Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Unforgivable ❯ I need to be beaten ( Chapter 40 )

"Leave me."

"M… master?"

"Leave me."

I curl around myself, whimpering. Again. Again. Again. Master has thrown me out again. What am I doing wrong? I am, I know I am. He is displeased, disappointed. I could tell. It was in his eyes, in his voice. I could hear his disgust. What have I done? I tried to please him. I've been trying all week, and all week he has sent me away.

I cannot think. I have done everything perfectly. Obeyed every order, gone to his bed. And he sends me away. Why? I have tried everything, haven't I? I know so much about him, know the things that please him. Why can't I please him? Why is my world spinning out of control again?

I fear him. Each time he sends me away, I expect him to come and beat me again. Beat me for my failure. Beat me because I cannot please him. Because I am so stupid that I cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. I am so stupid! He used to always say that. Low class baka, a fool, stupid, ignorant, simple.

He is right. I am stupid. I must be, or I would know how to make him happy. I would know what to do to please him. I would… I would… I'm stupid. That's all there is too it.

I curl under the thin, dark blanket. It will not show the blood so well as the bright one did. I threw it away… I couldn't get the stains out. It was warmer, but I deserve this thin one. The dark colors, I deserve them. I deserve to be beaten. I just wish he would hurry up and get it over with. I can feel the tremors that wrack my body. Cold, and fear.

And I am terrified to face him tomorrow. He will kill me. I didn't want it to happen, I swear I didn't. But it did. And… I could… I could… I could take care of it. Before he finds out. I could do that. Couldn't I? I can do that, can't I?

No. I can't. I can't leave the room. I can't. I… won't. It is not my place to change anything. I am the slave, I may make no decisions. My master must decide. Perhaps this time, his fury will be so great that I will finally die of the injuries. Perhaps this time, there will be no bean. I only have one, tucked into the bag at the bottom of the box at the far end of the closet. Perhaps I won't be able to get to it. Perhaps this time, I won't try.

I wish he would come. I need to be beaten. I need him to kill me.

Why does he send me away? What did I do wrong?

He… was not angry. At all. Sad. Disappointed. But not angry. But he sent me away again. Brought me to the peak of ecstasy, made me scream for more… and sent me away. What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? My tail is thrashing now, I have no control over it at all. I used to, when I was… a child. When I was someone else. When I was who I first pretended to be. When I truly was Goku.

I watch it, curling, twitching, smacking into the floor, the mattress; feel it when it smacks me. The sting is sharp, quick, leaving behind a dull ache. It feels good. When did I begin to crave pain? I no longer remember. My tail is in a frenzy now, lashing about. The pain is greater, the ache no longer dull but blazing. I seem to have regained some control, the only thing I hit now is myself. I give myself the beating I know I deserve. I pull myself from the ball I have curled into, allowing my tail free access to more than just my back. It is torture for me, my tail lashing viciously against my unprotected body, but I need to do it, I need to…

Red welts rise all over my body, a few of them are even bleeding. The pain is intense, the pain from my tail even more so. I think the force of the blows has broken some of the bones. My knees weaken, I fall, landing heavily on my hands, but I do not allow myself to stop my self-inflicted pain. I will continue this until I understand. Until I know. Until I must become that other once again, the simple, smiling fool. Tears run down my face, I ignore them. I will…. I must muffle a cry of pain as my tail whips across my eyes. Most of me is in pain now, and I know I deserve to be. But… a small part of me wants to know why. Why do I need to hurt?

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Okay, 1st pov now over. I'm tired of it. (for now)

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Vegeta leaned back against the satin covered pillows on his bed, listening absently to the soft music playing on the radio. Kakarot had his tail back. Kakarot. Goku had never had one, that Vegeta had seen, and Kuroichi certainly didn't. Far too subservient to be a proper Saiyan, and with the tail, well… Kakarot. Right?

No. He is still that… thing. Not Goku, not Kakarot, not Kuroichi. What happened to him, anyway? I understand that Kakarot became Goku when he lost his Saiyan memories. I understand how Goku became Kuroichi. I do not understand why - or how - Kuroichi became this… toy. An unfeeling thing that morphs into Goku once a week.

No, that's not right. He is not unfeeling. I'm not sure what he is. Desperate to please, certainly. Immaculate. Completely subservient, completely willing to do, or try to do, anything I might tell him. He ate Bra's cookies! Kuro would never do that, not after I got him to that first time. He flat-out refused. And, Kuro was enjoying our time together. He'd initiate if I didn't. This… puppet he's become… only reacts. There's no true participation. He withdraws, somehow, being distant while still doing everything he is expected to do. I can tell the difference, but he doesn't seem to even realize what he is doing.

I'd rather have that smiling clown around.

Perhaps I should let him go.

Vegeta sat forward, one knee coming up to be clasped by both hands. His chin rested on his knees, eyes closing as he considered sending his pet back to his wife. I'd at least have someone to spar… no. He's too weak, physically. I know perfectly well he's ridiculously strong otherwise, but his physical state is precarious. And his mental state… Vegeta sighed. He's far safer with me. He comes back from her each time even more fragmented. If I hadn't given my word that he would have time off, I would confine him to his room again until… until he recovered.

I wonder why his family hasn't noticed? Vegeta stretched back out. Tomorrow, when…he went home, he'd go pay a little visit. Besides, it was damn well time Goten went home for awhile. He needed to face his mother.