Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Portrait Without Sin ❯ Dee's View ( Chapter 6 )

Disclaimer: FAKE, nor any of it's characters belong to me…* sigh *… those rights all belong to Sanami Matoh.

Warning: Not your 'nice' everyday fanfic of your favorite couple. Very strong language / Humiliation (depending on how you look at it) / Angst / Lime, Lemon / Yaoi. Rating will tend to go up in later chapters.

Summary: How would it be if the one person you trusted with your heart was found to have betrayed it? Seeing him there, with… 'him' was nearly more than he could bare. He never thought that he would do something like this. He never thought that he would be betrayed by him.

Yes, the character's might seem a little out of character, but then how would you react?

Take above Warning seriously.

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Quotation marks "." = talking

Italicized words or apostrophes ' ' = stressed emphasis

Italics, apostrophe marks 'like this' = thoughts to oneself.

********** = skips of moments, time, views, and such

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Portrait Without Sin

By: Ryoan

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Part 6: Dee's View

Dee didn't even want to look at him when he came in to work that day. It was hard enough just being there to work, knowing he was only a few feet away. He was still unable to blot out the image that had burned itself into his brain. The image of Ryo and 'him'.

It didn't matter what he had tried to do, it just wouldn't go away. He had cried most of the entire day that first day, falling to sleep every now and then, from tired eyes, in restless slumber. He didn't eat either, even though Mother had brought a tray at lunch and supper since he hadn't shown up for the meals themselves. There were no lectures for missing meals and mass, no words of grand wisdom to ease his pain… not that he wanted to hear either at the time… there was just a quiet respectfulness for the time he needed to have alone.

Once, while he was sitting there on the bed, with a pillow between his chest and curled up knees, arms linked around them with his face hidden in it plumpness, she had quietly came over and kissed the back-top of his head, then smoothed the ruffled strands of hair down with a withering hand. He appreciate the comfort she offered and gave, he really did, but at the moment he felt so… unworthy… that he couldn't even make himself reach out to accept it.

The second day wasn't much different, although he sported a headache and a sickening twist in his stomach. He had pulled himself together a bit and left late in the night, to hit a liquor store, but knowing he could not take it inside the orphanage, let alone get back inside without alerting Mother, Dee sat in his car. Alone. Drinking. Trying to forget, but not even that helped. All it did was allow his head to lose control with his thoughts which only brought other images to mind. Ones of Ryo and 'him' together, and how Ryo must have looked as they……

No, no, no! He wouldn't go there! Not now. Not today!

No, the liquor definitely only helped him hurt more instead of less, and he sat there crying and getting more drunk until finally he passed out sometime in the early morning hours. And that's how Mother found him after morning mass. If he didn't feel bad already…!

She didn't chide him, then, either. Instead, she looked to have a worried relief upon her face that she had found him after all. Dee had mumbled an 'I'm sorry' and a 'It didn't help' as she helped him get out of the vehicle. They got no more than a couple feet away, when, with a groan, he doubled over. Falling to his hands and knees, he threw up.

It wasn't bad enough, the state he was in. It wasn't bad enough that there was a huge gaping hole in the middle of his chest, and a rock lodged in the pit of his stomach. Nope, he had to further the pain with humiliation that Mother stood quietly next to him as he puked and then had a bout of dry heaves; helping him to sit back up when he was finished. Dee felt close to tears again, when the withered hand held up his damp face and wiped the hem of her white apron over it and his mouth.

"I'm sorry," he murmured again, not able to look directly at her. Her worn features displayed a sorrowful, but loving expression upon him, which he had missed.

Dee managed mostly on his own to stand up again, but Mother tucked an arm around him, supporting him as much as possible, helping as she could as she continued to lead him back into the room that he was using. And even in as horrible a shape as he was, he knew he was in so much trouble with her later whenever things did get settled!

By the time Tuesday rolled around, Dee had began to feel more distant about the whole matter, even after Mother had told him about the visit Ryo had made. She offered a bit of encouraging hope to the dark haired young man, but Dee had already started to build a wall around his heart. He knew he had to go back to work. He knew he had to face Ryo there too. He just had to find a way to get him through without breaking down.

************

Pulling out every file he had on hand, he started going through them, diligently making sure they were as complete as he could make them. He wanted something -- anything -- that would put up a barrier between him and his…… umm…… between him and…

He was at a lost. Who and what was the half Japanese man with dark eyes and sandy brown hair that sat at his own desk being more aloof rather than concentrating upon work at the moment, to him now? The man had been his partner, first at work and then in bed. He had been the love of his life. He had chased him for two long years, finally catching him to make him his…… or so he had thought. They hadn't even made it to a year together. Just another few short weeks before their anniversary and he catches him naked in the arms of another man!

Before that incident, Dee remembered the moment the 'thought' hit him, and he had frowned in disbelief. He knew Ryo had been taking off, going somewhere; giving faint excuses to do so, but when Dee had given thought to his partner's mild nervousness and coy attempts to turn his attention elsewhere, it started to tip off his detective curiosity.

For the past two weeks, he had started following him.

He watched as Ryo made his way to a building several blocks away and disappear inside, but before entering, he would look about cautiously; twisting his head from side to side and glancing behind him -- as if he was making sure no one saw him going in. Once he was there, it was never less than an hour and a half. Twice it ran nearly up to three hours before he came out. Yep, Dee sat there the entire period waiting. Timing it.

That first time…… that damn, fucking first time he had followed, watching and waiting…!! Ryo had left there not quite as kempt as he had been when he went inside. He was tucking part of his shirt back into his pants that he had absently forgotten, in what looked to be a hurried attempt to get away from there. Then he ran his fingers through his tousled hair in an attempt to straighten it into some order. Dee couldn't have been more crushed at that moment than if a damn ton of bricks fell on him!

He was glad of where he had hidden himself -- just opposite the street from where Ryo would be passing -- because he couldn't move. Hell, he couldn't even breath! It felt as if someone had put him into a vise and had started to tighten it around his chest. If the aim was to crush his heart, it was sorely off target, because it had already fallen to lodge like a huge lead weight in the pit of his stomach.

From being in the state of shock as he was, he did not make it back to the apartment before Ryo, of course. Instead, he stopped in at a convenient store and picked up a couple packs of cigarettes before heading back home. Home… heh, not even that word sounded right at the moment! But, still, it gave a good excuse as to why he was out when he displayed them as an answer to the question, 'where did you go?' once he did get back.

His angelic faced lover attempted the same thing by mentioning about having gotten some specialty ice cream he heard was really good and dishing out a bowl of it to him.

Dee had smiled, allowing Ryo to believe he had gotten away with what he had really been out doing, all the while he had been amused that they both had the same mind to deceive the other of the truth.

That day he walked in on them…… that day would brand itself in his mind forever. Even though all the signs were there, he still did not want to believe Ryo would betray him. He prayed that he was wrong, but then…… there he was…… and the world shattered around him.

Dee squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing them hard with his thumb and forefinger, before pinching the top part of his nose that was between them. NO, he didn't want to think! He didn't want to remember it!

Returning to his work, he began scribbling down information, pressing the pencil against the paper too hard, and snapping the tip off. Giving it an irritating toss, he reached for another one in the cup holder there on his desk and proceeded to reign his thoughts with the work that was before him.

Ryo's twitching kept capturing Dee's attention, and having good peripheral vision, he did not need to directly look up at him. He could see his partner glance over at him several times, probably studying him to see if he would be receptive to any advancements. It took a while, but then he started to walk over. Without glancing at him, Dee stood up, looking studiously at an open file and moved away. He walked out of the open office that first time, and one other time as well before the other man got the hint not to come near him.

By the end of the day, Dee was so relieved to get out of there. He threw his hand up in parting, trying to be as casual as possible as he went out the door. Had he stayed there any longer, he didn't think Ryo would be anything less than sprawled out on the floor.

For two days he had kept himself busy; dragging out files to review, update, or just close out. The only times he did speak to Ryo was to clear something up in whatever file he was doing, and even that was quick and terse, sanctioning no room for idle chit chat. If anyone noticed anything amiss, he didn't care, but at least no one bothered him with questions about it.

Dee couldn't help notice the sudden response Ryo had the moment Berkley Rose came out with information on a call for them to take.

No fucking way was he going on a call that involved having to spend time alone with… that… unfaithful……! He wasn't about to allow the man a chance to pled his sorry ass to be forgiven; he wasn't about to allow him to twist what feelings he had for him, into giving in.

'Stay the fuck away from me, Ryo. I'm not ready to forgive you yet.' He seethed silently, but with all that he could muster, he calmly spoke up, "Could you send someone else in my place?"

He saw Ryo head snap around, as did the commissioner's head upward, as both cast their own shocked gaze at him. The hurt in Ryo's eyes was unmistakable, while Rose pinned him to the spot with his.

Dee quickly offered an excuse and a stand in solution as casually as possible, but it did not help the uncomfortable quietness that settled in the room… nor Rose's inquisitiveness.

It was Ryo that 'saved the day', so to speak by stepping in, covering for him, and defusing the bomb that was set to go off inside him.

'You're nervous, Ryo. I can sense it, if no one else can! Who are you really protecting? Me… or yourself?'

The blonde commissioner pierced Ryo with a analytical gaze, but instead of pressing matters he shoved it aside……for the time being anyway. As long as the job was done, it didn't matter to him what was going on, but it did give him a secret thrill to think that things were not so bright in the two lover's lives.

When the commissioner finally walked away, Dee immediately focused his attention back upon the papers in front of him. He didn't want to see the expression on Ryo's face. He didn't want to see Ryo's face period.

The pressure calmed a few degrees when Ryo followed tentatively behind Ted. It gave him some breathing space, and yet… he felt somewhat at a loss not having him there.

************

Why he found himself heading toward the apartment that evening, he really didn't know. It hadn't been a sudden urge to do so, not any particular reason either. His hands just turned the steering wheel and there he was traveling the familiar streets which lead toward ho…… the apartment.

He was chastising himself, thinking how stupid he was to be doing this when he caught sight of a well-known backside. He couldn't possibly mistake that figure or gait. It was Ryo.

He was carrying a bag that must have been groceries he just picked up, but -- and Dee's stomach felt a knife plunge into it and twist around -- he wasn't alone. There was a shorter, wiry man, with long dark hair pulled into a pony tail, walking along beside him, chatting away. Dee would never forget his backside either, having been the one that was presented to him the day he walked in on Ryo's little indiscretion!

So, despite his partner's pleading that day he had left, despite his nervous glances and attempts to approach him, despite keeping peace and smoothing things over at work, his unfaithful lover still kept his new companion close by too. Perhaps closer, now that he was gone from the apartment. In fact, with the groceries, the man walking along side of him, and the direction they were going, it was obvious just where they were headed.

Was this what he was meant to see? Did some unknown force direct him to drive this way just to see this? Just to let him know how pathetic his pain was over someone that disregarded his innermost feelings? Whatever reason Ryo had to need this other man too, Dee didn't care; he didn't want to share, but it was clear that Ryo didn't want to settle with only one.

There wasn't anything else he could do except drive past them, but as he did so, he cast accusing, glaring eyes at the couple. That's when unfathomable brown ones met his. The moment was so brief, yet it was an eternity looking into their darkness. For his own sanity he had to keep going, he had to get away from there.

Only determined will kept him traveling on past, keeping his speed the same as it was. He wouldn't make a show of how much it truly gutted him.

Dee knew what he needed to do now, but that would have to wait until at least tomorrow.

************

It was less than an hour after Ryo got to work that Dee took off, barely mumbling a reason as to why. Then he was gone before anyone could spark any questions as to further detail his leave.

When he inserted the key into the lock, he felt as if he were breaking and entering. He didn't feel that he had a right to be there any longer.

'So much more a reason to pack my stuff and get the hell out of here!' he thought despondently to himself.

Moving over to the sink, he opened the cabinet below it where the box of trash bags were kept. He hadn't come prepared, only set to remove his stuff.

After taking out three of the bags, he closed the door and headed, first, into the bed room. Jerking open the closet door, he began taking out his clothes, not caring too much whether they were folded well enough or not as he stuffed them in the bag. Pants, shirts, sweaters… even shoes, which were carelessly tossed on top, but not all of the articles were removed. Some of it was left hanging.

He wasn't taking anything that connected Ryo to it. He was going to start clean……

'Heh!' He gave a grimacing chuckle. He didn't know if he could start again, let alone even want to. He just wanted to be numb. He just wanted to stop hurting.

Moving over to the dresser, Dee yanked open the bottom drawer and scooped up socks by the handful, dumping them all in a second bag. The second drawer revealed his underwear, and he unceremoniously did the same to them. A blue streak caught his attention, though, as the clothing fell, and he reached down to find the particular object, then tossed it back into the drawer. He definitely wasn't taking those with him! The last drawer he was a bit more careful, separating two of the shirts from the others to leave them behind as well. Now, all he had to do was dig out a few hidden items stored away under the bed, and he would be finished there.

With determined intentions of doing just that, Dee shoved the drawer back shut, and that's when his gaze fell upon the picture that sat there in a dark mahogany frame. Unable to break the trace it had on him, he stood there staring at it.

It was a picture of him and Ryo.

The plastic bag slipped from his hand, and he stood there a moment or so before, slowly, he reached up and took hold of the framed photograph. Everything else seemed to be forgotten as he stared at the smiling face of the man standing against him.

Ryo. His Ryo.

Of their own accord, his feet shuffled toward the bed where he sat down heavily upon it. His heart started breaking all over again.

"……I'll never lose you to another guy." Were the words that he had told Ryo that second night they had been together… the first night after Ryo had told him that he loved him more than anything.

"I thought I had told you enough." he murmured, his eyes burning from unshed tears. "I thought I showed you enough. What did I do wrong, Ryo, to make you turn away from me? To make you find someone else? How… How did I fail you?"

Finally he couldn't hold back the flood as the tears coursed down his cheeks. Ryo. He had such a gentle, angelic face. And his smile…… it could just melt your heart. But it was his eyes that had really first caught his attention. Eyes so dark you could lose yourself in the depths of them. He was kind, and so giving……

The splatter of liquid hit the glass, brought him somewhat out of his stupor. Clutching the frame to his chest, Dee's dark head fell forward and he cried in earnest. His world had crumbled apart.

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No, I do not know much of anything about Catholic religion. I've heard of mass, morning mass, evening mass, and I've heard that it can take many hours. But in this story, when I mention mass, I'm hoping to convey prayers/service that doesn't take all morning. That's what they are, that's what I don't know about, and that's where it is!

To All those that have been reading this story, thank you. To those that have left reviews, I truly Thank You So Much!