Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Portrait Without Sin ❯ To Forgive? ( Chapter 13 )

Disclaimer: FAKE, nor any of it's characters belong to me…* sigh *… those rights all belong to Sanami Matoh.

Warning: Not your 'nice' everyday fanfic of your favorite couple. Very strong language / Humiliation (depending on how you look at it) / Angst / Lime, Lemon / Yaoi. Rating will tend to go up in later chapters.

Summary: How would it be if the one person you trusted with your heart was found to have betrayed it? Seeing him there, with… 'him' was nearly more than he could bare. He never thought that he would do something like this. He never thought that he would be betrayed by him.

Yes, the character's might seem a little out of character, but then how would you react?

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Quotation marks "like this" = talking

Italics, apostrophe marks 'like this' = thoughts to oneself.

Italics, Quotation marks "like this" = talking as in remembrance

*********** = skips of moments, time, views of people, and such

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Portrait Without Sin

By: Ryoan

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Part 13: To Forgive?

Waiting. It was always the worse, no matter what the reason may be. But… this… This just truly had to be the worst. The pacing back and forth, even from room to room, the leaning against the wall, the door archway going into the kitchen, the counter. The lounging and sitting. It was like an eternity passing by.

A shaky hand ran through his ebony locks, as he released a heavy breath.

Ryo had shut him out. The door closed between them while he thought over things that had transpired between them. Hell, he didn't blame him. How could he blame him?

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"You still love me, Ryo?" He asked, watching him so intently. "You still love me this much?"

There was a pause enough for him to answer, but he hadn't.

"I wouldn't blame you if you don't." Dee waited again, hoping for a response -- any response, yet for a second time, there was none. "After shutting you out like I did, I don't have a right to expect anything from you." His fingers tightened their grip upon the edge of the portrait he held. "But I… I just want… I'm asking you give me another chance. Whether you do or not… is completely up to you."

When the dark eyes turned away from him, it had nearly shattered all the hope Dee had had.

"I… I need some time alone to think, Dee. I…"

"Sure," He quickly returned, trying to keep the air of understanding about him, all the while he desperately wanted to press him for an answer. "no problem. Whatever you need, Ryo."

He felt strange over the words he spoke, as he realized that he was only now willing to give Ryo time, something which he should have done weeks ago.

He moved to retrieve the larger painting, intending to take them out with him, but then Ryo said, "No, leave them here."

His movements froze for a second or two, then green eyes looked up at the man sitting on the bed. A questioning expression crossed Dee's face as he wondered why Ryo wanted them there, and what he would do with them. Remembering his conversation with Armon, the artist had said that Ryo did not care what happened to the painting; he had told him to go ahead and burn it if he wanted to.

"I… I'll just set them over…"

"No," Ryo stopped him again. "that's alright."

What choice did he have?

Reluctantly, Dee set the painting he held in his hands, against the bed, along side the other, then took one last look before he turned and walked away.

Ryo didn't say anything to him as he left. Maybe that alone was something to hang on to, or maybe he had just expected him to leave the apartment completely, thinking that he would contact him when he came to a decision. But Dee wasn't going anywhere… at least not unless the man made it so vehemently clear to do so, yet when the door clicked shut, and he leaned against the cool panels, a desolate feeling came over him as to what the answer was going to be.

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Ryo was giving him more than he had given to him.

A grimacing smile touched one corner of the lips that had been set in a thin line. His own actions had been automatic, instantaneous, with no room for considering anything… not even to give the one he loved more than anything else in the world, the opportunity to redeem himself. The smile turned further into a contemptuous scoff at himself. Ryo would have never been able to redeemed himself had he even given him the time to speak. He was that set against him that nothing would have mattered what he said.

Fingers slid into his hair again as he cupped a hand against his forehead, his elbow stabbing into his thigh to support his bent head. Puffing out his cheeks, Dee then gave another deep release of breath, staring at the rug on the floor beneath his bare feet. There was a mild sting in his eyes just before liquid beads bled over to the bridge of his nose between them, to drip off and soak into the carpet. Broad shoulders began to shake, but he kept silent of any sound.

His stomach felt even more of a sickening twist as it churned over at the knowledge of what he had caused his partner to go through… seeing him there as he did when he came in, remembering the hurt expressions over the past weeks. He thought… He thought he was right. He followed him, he saw him, but even that wasn't enough. Sometimes, no matter how much 'proof' there is right before your eyes, it still isn't what the truth was; it could still be wrong. He found that out, never the more truer, himself, in very much a hard way.

Gritting his teeth, he remembered the times when he was glad… GLAD… that Ryo was miserable.

Pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes, Dee tried to shut out the painful images. He should have known. He should have known Ryo was better than that. He DID know he was better than that! It wasn't Ryo's nature to betray him like that. It had taken him so long to win the man, and in the end, Ryo had chosen him -- only him.

So how…? How could he not give him the chance?

"I am just a fuck up," he murmured. "I don't deserve you, Ryo."

Wiping his eyes, Dee searched his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. He placed one between his lips after shaking it out; lighting it as he glanced toward the closed bedroom door for the millionth time before shoving himself up from where he sat.

Walking across the floor to get the ash tray that…

"Damn," he swore softly, noticing -- and remembering -- there wasn't any. He had taken them with him when he packed his things. Ryo didn't smoke, so things like that were his. It was just one more thing that reminded him of how much removed he was from there. From Ryo. He had taken away everything of himself from his dark eyed, half Japanese lover. And now, it was his turn to find out whether that very same person was going to do the same to him.

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Dark eyes stared at the portrait that had wound up being the cornerstone of so much trouble, so much heartache. He looked at himself laying there against the covered couch -- the very one Armon had made his advances just moments before Dee had walked in. He wasn't sure if he could look at the painting and not remember all that had happened because of it. The reason why he blamed the painting was because if he hadn't came up with the idea to do it, he wouldn't have been at Armon's, then Armon wouldn't have kissed him, and he wouldn't have lived through a month and a half of hell. So… yeah… it was because of that painting. Yet he was unable to look away from it right then.

The expression upon his painted face was quite captivating with it's shy look of sated happiness as he laid sprawled out in front of… Dee. He still couldn't believe how the man could create something so… real.

He remembered the thought that went through his mind when he had decided to do this. It was something Dee would never have thought of in a million years, nor would he have expected anything like this from him. It was because of that -- that heady sense of giving Dee such an erotic shock, which spurned him into doing this. He was so much more a reserved person about 'things' than Dee was, that his daring recklessness doubled the excitement factor.

His eyes wondered over to that of the slightly darker man with his smooth olive skin tone. He had kept his gaze purposely away, not knowing or ready to think of what the man had confessed to him just a short time ago. It was something that he had been praying for, for a long time now that he hadn't thought about anything else. And now Dee wanted him to forgive him. It was what he wanted, but… could he? Should he?

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Pressing his back against the wall, Dee stretched out his arm, placing his palm against the door. Closing his eyes, he willed for the person that was on the other side of the barrier between them to accept him back. He prayed like he never had before that the guy would be a better man than he was. Hoping beyond hope that Ryo had it in his heart to consider giving him another chance.

'I could never tell you enough how sorry I am.'

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Dee. His dark hair was a bit messy, but the smile on his face and the look in his eyes spoke volumes as to how the man felt, despite it being a painted face. If Armon could capture his, then he certain had Dee's also. It showed the softer side that he would expose to him.

Dee had opened up to him about a lot of things that he kept inside, private things, which had deepened Ryo's love for him. Those moments of allowing him to 'know' showed that he offered something special, even when he thought some parts were dark. It made for strong ties.

Brash, obnoxious, in your face,… a definite a horn dog; brilliant smile, incredible eyes,… and for the most part… honest -- despite the times that he said he didn't care or it didn't matter.

Ryo breathed out a heavy breath as he sat back upon the floor.

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The wide shouldered, dark haired form slowly sank quietly down to the floor; his hand never leaving the cool wooden surface of the door as if it were a life line connection. Draping his other arm over top one of his bent knees, he leaned his forehead against it.

'I miss my baby, Ryo. Let me come back home.'

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Turning toward the smaller portrait, Ryo stare at himself. Not just at the painting of himself, but straight into the eyes that seemed to be looking back into his. How could anyone be so distinctive as to make a painting look so… alive?

Ryo was almost afraid that if he asked the question aloud, the damn thing would answer back!

Armon indeed had exceptional talent, which he hadn't even given full credit to until he sat staring at the portrait of himself. He wondered as to why he had given it to Dee since it happened to be what the artist wanted in compensation for the other painting. Was it his way of saying he was sorry, or a way of paying for guilt he felt?

Ryo didn't want to think about the what or why's for now, and he switched his attention back to the image that gazed back at him; seeing clearly, by the expression of the painted face, just what he had been thinking about as he sat there for hours while Armon painted. His thoughts had only been of Dee.

Dee had said he loved that one more than even the one he had commissioned to be done. What did he see in it? Why did he favor this one? He had asked if he still love him that much, so could he see, what he did, as clearly?

For some reason, as if being pulled to do so, Ryo reached out and took a hold of the portrait. At first he studied the painted surface a bit closer, then he turned it around. On the back was a label that Armon had attached, which drew forth a soft gasp.

'In Love With Dee'

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With a heavy sigh, Dee dropped his hand away, and pushed his way back upward, keeping against the wall. Would he forgive him? Could Ryo let go of all that had happened to him and be able to move on, or would he move on alone without him?

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Could he forgive him? Could he let it go completely and move on, or was the pain too deep to release? He didn't want to be with Dee and have resentments rear it's ugly head only to tear them to pieces bit by bit. To forgive was a big thing for him. It was like a code of honor. Forgiveness wasn't just words. One had to be willing to forget. Forget whatever wrong had been done. That was the only way true forgiveness was. You didn't really forgive if it was brought up for blame later. It was the only way to really move forward with that person.

His decision had to be what he would be able to do. It had to leave behind one thing or another. Despite knowing that he still loved Dee, could he really let it go? If he couldn't, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he had to let him go rather then destroy them further piece by piece.

How much time did he need to really make the choice on such a life altering decision? It took two years to decide about Dee in the first place. Could he make the right now or was he going to need more time with it? After all, Dee had been the one to push him away…

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When he opened the door, Ryo had not expected to come face to face with the very person that he had been mulling a decision about for over the past two hours. He thought perhaps Dee had left, but there he stood.

Actually, it wasn't a face to face confrontation. Dee was definitely standing right in the doorway, with his back slightly toward him; his left arm was stretched out as his hand grasped the frame edging. His upper arm had been a resting place for the side of his forehead at the time the door was opened, but he had lifted his head only enough to show wary emerald eyes. That's the way he just stood there, staring at him, until Ryo spoke.

"I thought you had left." He said, watching as Dee brought his head up, along with dropping his arm to his side, as he straightened his body to face him.

"Did you want me to?" He stood there like a man waiting for that last cigarette before a firing squad, accepting that there wasn't a damn thing he could do to avoid the bullets that would soon be shot at him.

"I've come to a decision."

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Upon the door opening, Dee raised his eyes to look straight into those dark one's of his partner. He almost wanted to laughed at the thought of calling him that now, since for the past few weeks he had referred to him as his 'ex'. Still, other priorities overrode that momentary insane thought, and by Ryo's expressionless face, he couldn't tell, at the moment, just what he was thinking.

'Don't think that's a good sign, Dee.' He told himself as he clenched his teeth together so tightly that he thought they might start to break any moment.

"I thought you had left." Even the tone of his voice was without expression other than slight surprise.

He straighten to face him and whatever resolution he had come to, be it good or bad.

"Did you want me to?"

"I've come to a decision," were the words that came from lips that didn't curve up or down. Dee tried to swallow, but the lump that had formed there was making it hard to do so.

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He had expected Ryo to just blurt it out, and he'd find himself on his merry - miserable - way out of his life… or he would have found himself groveling at his feet to give him another chance. He certainly wasn't beneath pleading. But instead, Ryo had taken a step back and receded further into the bedroom until he stood between the door and the bed. There he stood, facing the dresser where he had set the two paintings, staring down at them. He didn't say anything, and Dee tentatively entered the room himself, coming to stand only a couple of feet away from him.

"Why did Armon give you that portrait?"

Looking at the one being spoken about, Dee answered straightforwardly, "He said that he couldn't keep something such as that and not want to have it for himself."

"Oh." Came Ryo's response, a slight warmth coming to his cheeks. That was a pretty bold admittance Armon had made, especially to Dee.

"He has the hots for you, you know." He added, trying to make light of it.

"I kind of got that impression when he… umm… kissed me." Ryo returned, crossing his arms in front of his chest; an uncomfortable silence stretched between them.

Finally Dee spoke again, but a bit softer, "He also said that it belonged 'to the person that the expression was expressed for'."

Ryo made no sound of or comment at that announcement, only bent his head forward a little.

"And you love this one more?"

Whipping his head toward the other man, Dee found him just staring at some place on the floor in front of himself.

"Hey, don't get me wrong. I love the one you had done for me. It's beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything better. It's just… I…"

He fell silent for but a moment, but long enough to cause Ryo to glance up at him and find that his gaze was upon that of the smaller portrait.

"It's the expression I've seen you have when I've caught you, at times, looking at me." His voice was a bit stupefied as he spoke. "It's… It's the expression I've seen after I've kissed you that tells me that you want me. It's the expression I've seen on your face right after we make love."

Before Ryo knew it, Dee was looking straight into his eyes, capturing them with the intensity of those emerald orbs.

"It's almost the look," Tanned fingers reached upward, toward the blushing paleness of Ryo's cheek, "that you have on your face right now." But then, before he even touched him, he curled his fingers back and dropped his hand to his side.

If Ryo's cheeks happened to be a little warm before, they were red hot now over Dee's declaration.

Looking away again, Dee continued. "I got a bit upset when Armon first showed it to me." He admitted with stiff frankness. "He would have been the only thing you would have been looking at while he… painted you. I couldn't figure out how he could have captured that look so well……"

"I only thought of you."

"Yeah," Dee agreed with a grumble, half embarrassed because he had been so wrong about Ryo over the past few weeks. "He told me that, too. He told me all of it."

Another hush fell upon the room as the two men, which stood so near to one another, felt that there was a whole world distance between them.

With a nervous stroke of his hand through his hair, Dee asked uneasily, "Do you still love me, Ryo?"

"I… I never stopped."

Closing his eyes, Dee had to turn his face completely away. There was hope bursting within his heart, causing his chest to ache, but it did not rid him of the uncertainty or worry, nor did it take away the knotted pain in his gut just yet. In fact, it made it a little worse, for he knew this was it. He knew that this was the moment that he would know one way or the other.

'Please, Dear God, if you're up there listening…' He offered the small prayer.

"Ryo… I… I don't… deserve anything from you." Dee started, his voice dropped to a deeper tone, yet the nervous edge could not be mistaken upon each word. And he was still not able to face the man next to him. "I can't… begin to tell you how sorry…" Cutting himself off, he made a small, but scornful sound. Such a paltry offering could not compare to the magnitude of hurt he had inflicted. "I want to come back, Ryo… if you will still have me. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for hurting you like I've done?"

There wasn't any reply, and the longer the silence, the more hope Dee lost. Fists tighten at his sides in an effort to keep himself under control. Teeth, once again, clenched tightly together as lips pressed into a hard, thin line. Eyes that he had just closed earlier, now were squeezed shut. He should just go. He knew where this was going to end up at.

"It's my fault too."

Dark lashes parted, as eyes snapped open wide to reveal startled green. Twisting his dark head around, Dee stared at the retreating back of the other man.

"I kept a secret from you," Ryo began again as he stood near the bed. He did not raise his head nor turn back around. With a shrug, he went on. "I mean, secrets aren't always bad, but this one… I didn't tell you… anything. It caused you to worry, and gave you doubts about me, which brought us to the point of… you… walking in that day, which, again, by the way, was the one and only time that ever happened."

"Ryo…"

He pivoted around to face the man that had his sights trained directly upon him.

"I wanted to give you something really special for our first anniversary; something that you would never have dreamt about. I was so caught up in the excitement that I didn't think." He shook his blondish-brown head. "I didn't think. And I was so afraid that if I even gave you the slightest hint that I was doing something, it would tip you off right away as to what it was. It was really hard trying to keep it a complete secret, but I--I didn't want to spoil it."

Dropping his eyes away from Dee's, Ryo's hands went out slightly from the sides of his body, and fell back with a slap against his hips. "It just seems so stupid now, looking back, to not tell you anything. I don't see the harm anymore in saying, 'Dee, I'm going out. I want to do something for our anniversary, but it's a surprise.' See? How difficult was that? As if, even mentioning our anniversary would ruin the surprise, too. You wouldn't have known what it was, and you wouldn't have wondered what I was up to… well, you might have wondered, but not in the sense that I made you. You wouldn't have walked in on that scene there at Armon's, and we… we would have celebrated our first anniversary together like we should have. You would have had your present, and we would have been happy, and…"

"Whoa, whoa, Ryo. Stop." Dee's impeding command brought those dark eyes back up to his face. "I made the mistake, too. You can't turn this completely around and blame it all on yourself."

"But if I…"

"No buts, Ryo. Who's to say I wouldn't have been curious even if you had told me? You know me. I've always came looking for you even when you've told me to wait. And there's about a hundred and one things that I'm at fault with, too. I didn't give you… I wouldn't give you the chance to say anything. I cut you off, I walked away, I was… even glad that you hurt." It was his turn to look down, but it was only a moment as they came right back up to lock with Ryo's, and he said a bit more forceful, "So don't you be standing there, ready to take me back, just because you've twisted it around to make it out all your fault!"

Throwing his hands up into the air, to emphasis the lack of care, he continued. "Yeah, so you didn't tell me you had some big secret surprise! Yeah, because of it, I took things the wrong way even though it looked like I was completely right! And, yeah, it fucking hurt like hell! Okay, so bad, Ryo, bad! But before you stand there, and tell me that I'm forgiven," With a thumb pointed fist to the middle of his chest, he jabbed himself as he bit out, "you better take a good look at what I did, and what I caused you to go through before you do anything stupid like that!"

Green eyes glittered almost angrily as he stared at Ryo, then snapped his own head back after realizing the words that he spilled out. Wasn't he trying to get back with this man? Wasn't this the golden moment he had been praying for? The damn door was open, and he had to go say something that could very well get it slammed back in his face.

Ryo just stood there seeming like a loss for words, or at a loss what to do next. He had carefully deducted just why and where this all started from in the first place, and he felt the blame was rightfully his, but Dee was not allowing him to take that route of choice.

The look of confusion was too much to take, and Dee really didn't want the man to be going in a direction he didn't want him to go.

"But whatever you want to think, just to let you know," Dee's voice became milder, gentler. "Even if Armon hadn't shown up today,…even if I… " He gave a momentary glance toward the paintings and a wave of his arm in gesture. "hadn't found out about all this…" With eyes that had taken on the dull luster of a repentant person that accepted responsibility of their own regretful actions, he returned his gaze back to Ryo's. "I'd… I would have been at your door step by this weekend anyway."

Taking a step closer, he continued to speak. "I was sitting there thinking about it, when he showed up. And I said some harsh, even crude, things to the guy just because it was him. It aggravated the hell out of me listening to him say anything about you. I think I went with him, hoping that something was up, so I could beat the crap out of him."

Another step, as he glanced away with an embarrassed sort of chuckle. "After seeing that painting… and Armon confessing, everything started falling in place. I couldn't believe what an ass I've been to not give you any chance…"

"You were hurt, Dee."

Raising his dark head, green locked on nearly black. "Yeah, I was. My whole world shattered."

Silence. Stare.

"And I shattered yours in return."

"I'm sorry, Dee."

With an arm that shot out so quickly, Ryo wasn't able to do anything, except stumble, as Dee's hand caught him around the back of the neck. He was pulled forward until he was pressed against him, and Dee's other arm came up around his back to hold him there. Nothing was said between them. Ryo was so startled, crushed within Dee's embracing hold, that his arms only dangled at his sides for the first few moments. They then twitched and slowly,… hesitantly,… moved until his hands grasped at the sides of Dee's shirt as if to help kept him steady, then tentatively they slid around to his back to return the embrace just as much, holding the other man close to him as well.

Dee rested his cheek along side of Ryo's head, and with a small movement, pressed his lips against the softness of the light brown head of hair; taking in the clean scent of the shampoo that was used, along with that which was unmistakably Ryo. With a gentle nudge of his face, and a slight pull from the hand at his neck, Dee was able to move the man within his grasp, to place another kiss along side his ear. The movements were slow, but it didn't take much of an effort for his lips to slide caressingly against the skin of Ryo's cheek. Instead of dipping downward, toward the mouth he so much wanted to take hold of with his, Dee continued trailing kisses to the bridge of the man's nose, from there he simply pressed his forehead against Ryo's.

Keeping his eyes closed, Dee just stood there holding the man that had his heart, feeling his breath fan across his face as he breathed a bit faster than his own steady, but controlled, pace.

"Ryo…" he murmured quietly. "Do you…? Am I…?" He still needed to hear those words come from his partner's mouth. He didn't want to wake up and by some cosmic jest find out that he had taken it all wrong, to find out that he wasn't.

He felt the slight tenseness of the muscles in Ryo's neck where he still had his hand, and merely a moment later he was pulling back away from him.

Ryo looked up into Dee's face, his own a bit uncertain, then he smiled gently as his dark eyes took on a somewhat glassy sheen.

"Yes, Dee." He gave a nod. "I don't want to be without you anymore, koibito."

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NOT THE ENDING!… I'd like your review on the chapter, as always, please. PLEASE don't be too harsh about not getting any cookie with the cream just yet. Guess you've got the idea already what's coming next (and that was definitely not a pun!). Sorry I can't hold your surprise back -- Heh, kind of like a Ryo thing, huh? Trying so hard not to let you find out until the end, but don't quite make it there. Promise to make it worth your while, though. This is my first male/male fanfic. Play nice with me, and I'll play nicer. Heh!

Shuu -;- KyleBrofloski3 -;- Neinusan -;- tertai -;- Oblivious gal -;- wakinyan -;- siren Circe --- I Thank You so much for reviewing the prior chapter. Here's hoping that you enjoyed this one also.