Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Time for Healing ❯ I'm Sorry ( Chapter 17 )

Disclaimer: We do not own FAKE or its characters. They belong to Sanami Matoh, lucky girl! Any original characters belong to either Irish or Wildefyre.
Warnings: We're back to Shounen AI but it could become Yaoi at any given time. We'll always try and warn you when that happens. This may have the guys out of Character somewhat, so Gomen for that and we are taking some creative freedom on histories & backgrounds and lives as they are now... Deal with it! ^_~

Ryo spent the better part of the evening playing with both girls and even found several books that Lyn and Drew had on sign language that he used to help communicate with Keiry to some degree. Giving two girls a bath was a challenge in itself mainly because he had never done it before but he managed despite feeling slightly embarrassed. Finally he had them in their pajamas and was just putting Annie down when he heard the phone ring. Running out into the hall he shouted to Dee to get it since he was busy. "If it's Drew find out how Lyn is doing! Please?" He added and went back into Annie's room.

Dee grumbled as he fumbled for the phone. "Hello?"

"Dee? It's Andrew."

"Andrew. how is Lyn?"

"They've stabilized him and moved him to a room. If he wakes up in the next few hours we are good to go. If not... well..."

"W-What do you mean? Ryo's been worried sick about him. If I don't have a fully detailed report to give him he just may come down there and beat it out of the doctors." Dee laughed knowing that Ryo would never do that. He was simply trying in his own way to cheer Drew up.

Andrew cleared his throat. "Well, once his blood sugar levels are back to normal and have been for a while he should just wake up. If he doesn't then something more serious is wrong and he's not just unconscious he's in a coma."

"Son of a bitch! Drew I'm so sorry. Maybe if I wouldn't have been here then he would have eaten. He went up to work out because I sort of pissed him off. I'm sorry. I had no idea. No frigging idea." Dee sighed heavily. "If there's anything that I can do please let me know okay?"

"Don't worry about it Dee. I can be watching him like a hawk and he will miss meals. It's... It's a long story. I will call come back around midnight or so unless I call and say other wise. Thanks again for looking after the kids." Andrew's voice was exhausted and full of worry for his koibito.

"Well Ryo is the one to thank for that. He's spent the whole evening with them. Why I fell for a guy who loves kids is beyond me but no matter what he says. No puppies and no babies! I'm too damn selfish to share." Dee chuckled slightly. "You hang in there big guy and I'll be praying for both of you."

"Thanks Dee. Hopefully I will be calling with good news soon... but yeah." Andrew sighed heavily. "Well I'd better go and talk to a few more doctors. Thanks again."

"Okay bye." Dee hung up the phone and then stiffened when he sensed Ryo in the room. He could smell the combination of baby powder and Ryo's cologne as they wafted to his senses.

"I assume that was Drew? How's Lyn? Prognosis? Down time?" Ryo kept his voice even keeled even though his heart was eating madly with worry. He had also overheard the comment that Dee had made about kids and it cut deeply but he refused to let his hurt show.

"They have him stabilized. He'll either wake up in a couple of hours and be fine... or he's in a coma." Dee could hear the hurt in Ryo's voice and felt sorry for making the comments that he had.

Ryo sighed. "Damn! This isn't fair! I just hope to God that our problems had nothing to do with this. It's bad enough we're making each other miserable then to hurt our friends too..." Ryo walked over and knelt down in front of Dee. Taking his hand in his he held it.

"God Ryo if that's the case... I... I... Please try and understand that I'm not doing this to hurt you intentionally. I just need time." Dee sighed softly.

"I do want to understand Dee. It's just that you've been so vague about everything that I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to understand? I mean if this whole gay bashing has you freaked then maybe we can find an organization to get some help for us. I want to help you through this." Ryo kissed the back of Dee's hand as he sandwiched it between his own. "It just hurts being shut out like this."

Dee turned his face away. "I'm sorry Ryo. I... It... Dammit!" He felt tears in his eyes yet again for what must have been the third time that day. What was happening to him? He never cried all that much before yet lately that was all he was doing. God he felt weak. "I cant be any less vague! You know me Ryo. I don't beat around the bush. If I could talk about it, I would."

Ryo held Dee's hand against his cheek. "It's okay Dee. Don't be upset. I-I'm sorry about how this is affecting you. I just miss you so much. If waiting is what it takes then that's what I'll do. You're worth it Dee. Just remember that nothing could change how I feel about you... Nothing." Ryo kissed Dee's palm and then placed the hand gently back on Dee's lap.

Dee smiled for the first time since talking to Ryo. "Thank you baby. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry that it has to be that way. Thank you for trying to understand."

"Anything for you koi. You should know that." Ryo stood up. "I guess that I'm stuck here for the night ne? I'll take the couch of course. I should call Bikky though and let him know. Maybe he and Cal can come by in the morning to watch things while I run home to shower and change and then I can come back. It's not like I have a job to go to right now." Ryo sighed sadly. "I've heard that a decision will be made on the whole thing later this week."

"They wont keep your badge Ryo. You're the best damn cop there is." Dee offered up words of encouragement. "If the girls are in bed you can go get your stuff now if you want. I can handle the girls. After all I do look after them now and again you know."

"Actually I'd rather not drive at the moment. I'm feeling a little under the weather yet and I forgot my antibiotics today. I think I can hold off until morning." Ryo picked up the tray from earlier. "I'll go do these dishes and then if you want some coffee or tea just let me know. Okay?"

"Leave the dishes for now. If your not feeling well then lay down. I can take care of them." Dee offered and stood up carefully.

"It's okay really. I just need to stay busy. It keeps me from thinking too much." Ryo really didn't want to go into a deep explanation. He had found that burying himself in work helped ease the pain whereas being idle only served to heighten it. "You could always come out to the kitchen and keep me company. U-Unless that's too uncomfortable for you." Ryo's eyes fell onto Dee's form and he sighed. How he missed being held in his arms, having that strength surrounding him and warming his heart.

"No. I can keep you company." There was a silence that stretched a moment and then Dee reached out, pulling Ryo into his arms and held him tightly. "I've missed you baby."

Ryo sighed and then choked on a sob as Dee's arms encircled him. It felt all too good and he wanted this more than anything. "I've missed you too." Ryo wrapped his arms around Dee's waist, resting his head on strong shoulders and closing his eyes. "Feels so good Dee. Having you hold me like this I mean." He whispered against the flesh of Dee's neck.

Dee said nothing. He agreed, it did feet good, too good. But he knew that eventually it would be more then hugging. Ryo would want kisses and caresses and everything else. He just couldn't do that. He just couldn't ... What if he couldn't get it up ever again...? Dee shuddered at the very thought. Inclining his head he kissed the top of Ryo's head before stepping away.

Ryo sighed sadly as Dee stepped away even though he wanted to just go back into his arms and back to the warmth. It felt so cold and empty now. "I-I should c-call Bikky." Ryo stammered nervously as he reached for the phone. "I-I told him that I-I'd call him as soon as I knew how Lyn was. He's really taken a liking to him. He even brags about him to his friends." Ryo was fighting with every ounce of strength he had to hold it together.

"Yeah? Lyn's a pretty damn cool character." Dee led the way to the kitchen, his hand guiding him along familiar walls. "How is Bikky doing? He stopped by the other day with Cal."

"I had heard. He's doing really well." Ryo stopped when he heard Bikky pick up the phone. "Hey Bikky. I'm going to be here the rest of the night. Okay?"

"How's Lyn?" Bikky's worried voice resounded over the phone.

"He's hanging in there. We'll know more in a few hours. I'll call you in the morning and let you know okay?" Ryo sighed softly.

"Okay. Tell Drew that if he needs me to help with walking Duke or something I can do that."

"Will do Bik and thanks." Ryo smiled. "Now get ready for bed mister and that's an order."

"Yes dad!" He replied with a chuckle. "Can I speak with Dee for a minute okay? I... I uhm forgot to ask him something." Bikky was worried that Dee would mention all the things he and Cal had told him and then Ryo would get pissed off.

"Sure. Hang on." Ryo looked at Dee and smiled. "Dee? Bikky wants to speak with you." Ryo walked up to him and handed him the phone.

"Huh? Hello?" Dee puzzled into the phone, not trusting Bikky's motives for wanting to talk to him.

"Don't sound so worried bozo." Bikky chuckled. "I just wanted to tell you to not mention anything to Ryo about what Cal and I told you the other day. You know how Ryo is? He'll freak if he finds out that we said anything. Oh and be gentle with him okay? Lyn said that even though his fever broke last night it could return. He was really sick and should still be getting bed rest. We had to get the doctor to make a house call yesterday." Bikky added. "Tell Ryo not to worry and that I'll talk to him in the morning." Bikky hung up causing the line to go dead.

Dee turned to Ryo hanging up the phone. "Have you rested at all today? Bikky says that your fever only broke last night."

"Nani?" Ryo winced and realized what Bikky must have said. "Excuse Bikky Dee, he worried too much about me. I'm fine. Yeah I'm a little tired but I can manage." Ryo tried to stay positive. "You could finish the dishes for me though. The knives I kept on the counter to the left of the sink so be careful." Ryo said quickly, not wanting to worry Dee.

Judging by where his footsteps fell Dee reached out and snagged Ryo around the waist propelling him into a chair. "Oh no you don't. I will not be making another call to 911 today. Sit down! I'll see what kinds of over the counter medicines are here and you can choose what you need and then go lay down!" Dee grumbled

"Dee I'm not a child! I'm okay! I'm getting so sick and tired of people treating me like some weakling!" Ryo hissed and got up. "At least allow me the dignity of controlling my own life!" With that Ryo flew out of the kitchen, angry with himself and with being so foolish.

Dee followed more slowly. "Is that what this is about? Control? Christ Ryo! You're still sick and don't even try to tell me that you get over the flu in less then 2 days because that's bullshit! If you collapse then what are Bikky and I going to do?"

"You'll survive! You both have proven quite nicely that you don't need me around! Bikky has you, Lyn, Drew and Elena... All of you are quite capable of raising him!" Ryo turned to face Dee. "I feel like my life is hanging in limbo. I have no control over any of it! I had NO control over you being beaten to within an inch of your life! NO control over your loss of sight. NO control over you leaving me! NO control over them taking my gun and badge! NO control Dee! NONE! Zilch! Zip! All I could do was to stand by helplessly while it all happened!" Ryo held the tears at bay. "I said that I'd wait for you and I meant it! I'll wait for the rest of my life if I have to but please just let me live some sort of life in the meantime. A life I choose... Not you!"

"What's the point if there isn't anyone for me to come back to. Ryo? Come here. Please baby?" Dee held his arms open to Ryo, scared now. Truly scared for his lover's health and welfare. He could feel the heat coming off of Ryo while in the kitchen and knew that his fever had returned and in a big way too.

Ryo stepped forward slowly before just about flinging himself into Dee's arms. "Oh God Dee. That night that I-I found you. I hated myself so much. I kept thinking that if I had just gone to see you first instead of going home to shower and have a little something to eat that I could have stopped you from being hurt so badly. I could have saved you some of the pain. I-I can't stop feeling guilty." Ryo's resolve broke. He had fought so hard to stay strong but his own pain plus the fatigue his body was feeling became just too much. Tears started falling, fast and furious. "I have lived with the horror knowing the pain you went through and it's eating me inside. Every time I look at you and think about what you went through I become disgusted with myself. It makes me sick that I had no control over what happened to you." He subconsciously played with the hair at the nape of Dee's neck, taking comfort in the simple act.

Dee's arms came around Ryo and held him tight. "You need to rest Ryo. You have to or else you'll just get worse. Ryo if you had showed up that night who knows what would have happened? She might have hurt you too and then I would have no one to help me through this and Bikky wouldn't have his dad. I know that you say you would have switched places with me but... Ryo... the things she did... you don't know my pain...you cant possibly know what I endured." Dee trembled. He wanted to tell Ryo but he didn't want to tell Ryo.

"Yes I would have switched. Gladly! I can't rest Dee. Every time I try I have these nightmares. I see you lying on that floor unconscious and bleeding and me not knowing if you were alive or dead." Ryo's body shook with the force of his cries. "Every night Dee. I see you lying there. I know that I've seen worse in my job but the last time the nightmares were this bad was when my parents were murdered. I had to ID their bodies Dee. Now I keep having nightmares that I'm doing the same for you."

"RYO! listen to me! There is nothing that you could have done! Not a god damned thing! Stop blaming yourself. This is hard enough to live with I just won't be able to handle it if you destroy yourself over this too! You're sick and you need to take care of yourself... NOW!"

"Then let me help you too. Let me make it up to you for not being there for you! I should have been there for you Dee and I wasn't! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"Dammit Ryo!" Dee pivoted away, one arm wrapping around his own waist his other hand covering his face. He had no choice, he had to confess. "She... She practically fucking raped me okay? She kept trying to make me hard... Touching me... But I couldn't... I wouldn't... I kept thinking of you Ryo. I kept thinking about how there could never be anyone but you... That's when she got out the baseball bat. She told me that if I couldn't go straight then... Then I didn't deserve to live. I felt it every time that she hit me. I could hear every bone snap.... Oh GOD it hurt so bad... She finally left when she thought that I was dead... Hell I wasn't sure that I wasn't dead. I prayed Ryo. I prayed so hard that I would make it because of you and because of Bikky. I just wanted another chance to be a family...." Dee sniffled "Dammit! She ruined that too! Fuck her! Fuck her!"

"Dee... Oh God. You are my family Dee. You'll always be that to me." Ryo grabbed Dee and pulled him close to hold him tightly against his body. "You are everything to me Dee and we can overcome this. We must not let her tear us apart. If we do then she's won." Ryo cried along with Dee, both men sliding down the wall until they were seated on the floor. "I love you Dee... This changes nothing. I will always love you. She may have been able to do many things but she can't take away the love we have... No one can do that." Ryo stroked his hand over Dee's cheek trying to comfort him as best as he could.

"I love you too Ryo but that's... that's... I just... just can't be close to you right now. I can't! I feel...so..." He stopped shuddering. "Dirty! I feel so dirty. And I cant let that touch you."

"No Dee this isn't your fault. You're not dirty. You're not. You're beautiful Dee. Handsome, intelligent... You're everything to me Dee." Ryo tried to keep Dee in his arms but he could feel him pulling away. "Please Dee don't shut me out... Not again! Don't shut me out! Let me help you. We're a team baby. Partners... Together Dee."

"Not this time. I'm flying solo on this one. I have to Ryo! I have to! I don't want to but I'm barely holding on!" Dee turned suddenly his fingers finding Ryo's lips, then his mouth seized Ryo's branding him with his lips before he pulled away entirely then got to his feet. "Try and understand Ryo... I need you but I need time even more."

Ryo sat there in stunned silence as Dee walked away. "Please don't leave me again... I want to help... I want to make it better..." He cried to Dee yet got no response. Dee had closed himself off once again laving Ryo cold and lonely. "I do understand Dee... Because I love you baby." He whispered to the now empty room as he stood on shaky legs and made his way upstairs. Dee sat down on the couch in the living room, hearing Ryo's retreating footsteps but unable to do anything about it.

Dee hung his head. "Stop loving me Ryo. If you really want to help me then stop loving me. I don't deserve it. I'll never be worthy of your heart ever again." His voice was hoarse and whispered but it didn't matter because he had once more pushed away the very person he needed more then anyone and now was alone to bear his grief.

The door opened around midnight and Andrew limped in, exhausted drained and half out of his mind with worry. "Hey Drew, how's Lyn?" Dee asked as he sat there in the dark. He hadn't heard from Ryo for over 2 hours now and he had almost been tempted to go check on him but decided against it at the last moment. He couldn't show Ryo anything remotely resembling affection. If he was going to make a break, it had to be done swiftly and cleanly.

"He hasn't woken up yet. They will run more tests in the morning. Is Ryo still here?"

"Uh yeah. Up stairs I guess." Dee sighed. "He will be okay right? Ryo will be upset if... If... Well you know."

Ryo wouldn't be the only one. "We aren't too sure yet. I'll come back down in a minute. I'm just going to go check on Ryo and the girls."

"Sure." Dee didn't want to let on that anything was wrong. Drew had enough to deal with as it were.

Andrew paused, sorely tempted not to even ask. "So. What's wrong?"

"Dammit Drew you have enough going on." Dee ran his hand through his hair. "I-I told Ryo everything... I-I had to. He's blaming himself for me being attacked. Dammit I pushed him away again. All he wanted to do was comfort me and I more or less told him that I didn't want any of it." Dee blinked back the tears. "He's also sick yet. He's running another fever and he won't rest. I get this feeling that he's finally giving up... On it all."

There was a sharp thwack as Andrews fist pounded into the wall sending Duke skittering for cover next to Dee. "Dammit all to hell. You'll drown wallowing in self-pity Dee and you'll do it alone." Not another was word spoken as Andrew limped his way up the stairs.

Ryo held Annie as she slowly drifted off to sleep. A loud thump caused them both to jump and Annie once more began crying. "It's okay little one. Shhhh. Go back to sleep." Ryo kissed the top of her head as he stood there trying to soothe her. He heard footsteps walking into the room and judging by the sound of them, he knew that it was Andrew.

"How's Lyn?" Ryo asked as he rocked Annie.

Andrew looked like hell, a days worth of stubble roughening his jaw, his eyes were bruised with exhaustion and his limp was more pronounced then usual. "He... He hasn't awakened yet."

"I-I'm sorry." Ryo felt his chest tightening. "Why don't you try and get some rest. You won't do Lyn any good if you get yourself sick." Ryo said as he laid Annie back down. "Nite nite little one."

"Neither will you. Dee tells me that you're still running a fever." Andrew said off hand as he bent to kiss first Keiry and then Annie.

"Well Dee shouldn't be burdening you with our problems especially mine." Ryo replied sharply. "If Dee can handle the girls during the night I'll just go home and then send Bikky and Cal over in the morning. Cal is great with kids."

"Why aren't you taking care of yourself Ryo?" Andrew asked softly as he drew a blanket over Keiry's little body and flipped on the nightlight.

Ryo hung his head. "I-I'm okay... Please Drew... Just let me deal with this my way... This is hard enough as it were. I feel as though I have burdened you and Lyn enough." Ryo raised his head to the ceiling. "I was only trying to help Dee but he doesn't want my help or my love." Tears slipped down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. "Now if you're okay... I'll just leave. I won't be selfish and burden you with my problems"

"Ryo." Andrew tried to keep the weariness and frustration out of his voice. I would really appreciate it if you did not because then I will have to follow after you. My night has been long enough... Please? If you are running a fever and I can feel that you are, you shouldn't be out driving."

"I can drive just fine Drew. I feel guilty as it is that you have to hear this when you've just gotten home. Dee shouldn't have said anything. He had no right. This is my life... Not his! He's made it clear that I'm not welcomed in his anymore." Ryo felt horrible that this was happening. "You just worry about Lyn right now and after he's better we can get together and talk. Don't make the same mistake I made... Be with Lyn... Don't leave his side. If I had been with Dee that night..." Not being able to finish, Ryo walked out of the room quickly and leaned against the wall. His whole body was shaking. "Don't worry about me... Lyn needs you now. Worry about him."

"Ryo, Lyn isn't waking up in the next hour and probably not even in the next day. As soon as he's on his feet again he will make me sleep on the couch for a week if he finds out that I let you walk out of here while running a high fever. Besides. I can worry about you and Lyn at the same time... believe me there is more then enough worry to go around." Andrew took a deep breath. "Ryo. I can't be by Lyn's side all the time. I cannot protect him and watch over him all the time nor he with me. We are both grown men. He got hurt today. Could I maybe have prevented it if I was here? Possibly. Could he have prevented me getting queer bashed? Maybe. Bad things happen Ryo... especially to good people but we can't go through our live with a guilt trip hanging over our heads."

"It seems to always happen Drew. I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop my parents from being murdered or Dee from being beaten nor him leaving me. And now he's pushing me away again and I can't control that either! I feel so helpless." Ryo stood up straight when he saw Dee standing at the end of the hallway. "I feel as though I have failed everyone who has depended on me."

"You have not. Dee... well you let Dee handle Dee. He hasn't left you. He's just putting things on hold. He still needs you. The only reason he keeps trying is because he knows that when he finds his way again that you will be there for him."

"I can't help but feel that he hates me for not being there. That he somehow blames me for his blindness. If I had only confessed how I felt to him sooner he would have been at my place and not in a bar drinking away his pain. I did this to him! The only thing difference is that I didn't have the bat." Ryo slid down the wall to the floor, exhausted and weak from the fever. "I did this to him..."

"That's just not true Ryo. He doesn't blame you, not at all. That's like saying... Like saying that I am responsible for Lyn's accident. If I had not accepted an extra shift at work I would have been home to make sure that he ate. Hell I might as well pushed him down the stairs myself."

"But you didn't refuse him food. I refused to accept how I felt about Dee. I refuse to love him... Dee was seeking my love, he needed me yet I kept that from him and now I've lost his love." Ryo drew his knees to his chest and rested his head on them. "I allowed my fears to put Dee in danger. Your situation is different."

With a grunt Andrew lowered himself to the floor to sit next to Ryo. "You have to be strong for him Ryo. Lyn and I are trying to help you. We know we aren't the same as Dee but Dee just can't be there for you right now. There is nothing inside of him to give to you... What can we do Ryo? How can we help?"

It was then that it hit Ryo just how much he was using Lyn and Drew as crutch and that shocked him back to reality. "Drew I'm sorry. Jesus! Listen I'll be okay. Maybe just getting it off my chest was all I really needed. I'm sorry for this. Please forgive me." Ryo looked at him and then at Dee. "You've done more then enough for me, so has Lyn, and for that I'll be eternally grateful but it's about time that I stand on my own 2 feet... With or without Dee."

Ryo stood and then helped Drew to his feet, being mindful of the man's knees. "I think it's about time that I get home. I have a kid who needs me. I'll have Bikky and Cal come by tomorrow and help with the girls and anything else that needs to be done. They won't mind at all. They both adore you and Lyn. I just need to go home and get some rest. I'll be okay."

Andrew looked at him hard, trying to see if he was just fibbing to get away. "Are you sure Ryo?" He didn't quite trust the about face in mentality but prayed that it was genuine.

"Hey I'm supposed to be the strong one remember?" Ryo gave him a smile. "When Lyn wakes up tell him that I said thank you for all that he's done. I'll try and get in to seeing him but only if I have shaken this cold. That's the last thing he needs right now."

Ryo turned and headed down the hallway. "Get some rest Drew and take care of your family. I'm going home to take care of mine." Ryo walked past Dee, wanting so badly to stop and hold him but when he saw Dee stiffen he thought better of it. "Goodnight Dee." Was all that he said as he quickly made his way down the stairs. Drew watched after him shaking his head, but unsure of what else to do. He had a family he needed to take care of. He had to put his priorities some place and it had to be with his own family.

Andrew was half asleep in the chair rocking Annie's car seat with one foot while Keiry was in the hospital's daycare center. The last few days had been the first time in her life that she had been in daycare and she was having a blast. The quiet blipping on Lyn's heart monitor and the drip drip of his IV were white noise that helped lull Andrew to sleep. He had been dreaming of the beach. It was an odd dream to say the least after all it's not like New York had any really great beaches or anything. Plus Andrew was from Chicago. Not exactly a coastal city but beaches none the less were in his dream. The kind with bright sun and warm soft sand.

Lyn was resting next to him, the girls were playing in the surf and what the hell was that annoying beeping flat line? Flat line? Andrew sat straight up practically flipping Annie and her car seat over as he frantically tried to make heads or tails of what was going on other then the sound of the heart monitor flat lining.

"Lyn! Christ! No!"

"What?" His voice was gravelly with disuse and Andrew stared at Lyn in absolute shock. One blue eye and one green eye peered back at him. Blinking, Andrew looked Lyn over again. In one hand he held the plastic finger cover that had been monitoring his heart rate.

"Baka! Lyn!" Andrew cried throwing his arms around him as nurses rushed in to find out why every alarm in the nurse's station had just gone off. Pushing Andrew aside they then gave Lyn a very stern lecture for taking off his heart monitor finger cuff. It was at least two hours before the medical professions finally left Lyn and Andrew to themselves, assured that Lyn's heart was indeed beating. That he was not dead. That he was indeed awake and coherent. Andrew sat on the edge of Lyn's bed holding his hand gently. IV's were stuck in both wrists making it hard to even touch him for fear of nicking into one. Lyn was exhausted but not much worse for wear.

"How are you feeling koibito?"

Lyn smiled at the endearment. "Just peachy. I was thinking of getting up and playing a round of golf then shooting a few hoops. Then maybe trying to swim the English Channel. You know, just for kicks."

Andrew laughed softly. "Not too hot huh? You want some more water?" Lyn nodded and Andrew picked up the Dixie cup on the bedside table helping Lyn raise his head and dribbling the water into his mouth carefully. He knew that he was supposed to be feeding him ice chips instead but Lyn had begged for water.

"Thank you." Lyn panted as he rested back into the pillow. "God I feel like I got run over by a heard of cattle."

"No just a flight of stairs. You look terrible." Andrew observed that Lyn's normally pale skin was practically translucent with dark circles under his eyes. His slender frame looked skeletal under the sheets.

"Thanks babe." Lyn rolled his eyes. "How are the girls?"

"Keiry's been in daycare the last couple of days and Anne is at the foot of the bed asleep. They miss you but we're hanging on together."

"Good. And what about Dee Ryo and Bikky?"

Andrew sighed. "Truth be told... I'm not sure. They are all still alive. Ryo calls now and again to see how you are but you've been my main priority."

Lyn nodded. "Give them a call and let them know that I'm okay. Tell Bikky that he can come visit if he wants." Lyn's voice was fading as he sunk lower into the pillows.

"Sleep baby. I love you. Welcome back."

"Love you too." Lyn whispered before falling into a deep healing sleep.

"Com e on Dee! You're slower then a turtle!" Bikky smirked as they headed down the hall.

"Wait until you're my age and someone says that about you! You twerp!" Dee replied while smiling. He knew that it was his lack of sight slowing him down but he decided not to dwell on it. Cal was leading him as they went through the corridors and down the hall that they had been directed to.

"Hey look Dee they have the room numbers in Braille so even you won't get lost." Bikky cracked as he waited before going inside.

"WHY YOU!" Dee gritted his teeth. "I'd whack you with this cane but I need it so wait until I don't then I'll whack you."

"Would you two behave! Jeez! Lyn and Drew don't need to hear you two making such comments." Cal smiled brightly as Bikky opened the door for her and Dee. They all stopped when they found Lyn and Drew locked in what was clearly a passionate embrace.

"W-What's going on?" Dee said and then realized just what the sounds were that he was hearing. "Hey you two! There are children present!"

"Yeah and you wouldn't want to scar poor Dee for life now would you?" Bikky joked at the two.

Andrew sat up chuckling as he brushed Lyn's bangs off his for head. "Hey I'm just so happy that he's doing well. With any luck he will be going home tomorrow."

"Hey." Lyn objected. "The 'HE' in question is right here and perfectly conscious thank you. Hey Bikky! Hey Cal. Dee pull up a chair. You too kids."

"Cool!" Bikky walked over and handed Lyn a small plant. "It's from Ryo and I. He said that it's a Butterfly Bush and you should plant it in the yard. It'll get bigger and have all these cool flowers on it that attract butterflies."

"PRETTY! I'll have to stop by and see that when it blooms." Cal smiled and after giving Drew a kiss on the cheek she leaned down to do the same to Lyn. "You had us worried there for awhile."

"Oh we know why you were worried." Dee snickered. "Da dum dum dum/ Da dum dum dum." Dee did the wedding march, which had Cal blushing.

"DEE!" She hid her face behind her hands.

Lyn chuckled and held up his left hand wiggling his fingers and showing off the Claddagh ring on his ring finger the heart pointed in towards his hand. "Sorry Cal but I've already got a ring on that finger. Thanks for the plant Bikky." He took from him and set it on the bedside table. "Ryo couldn't make it?"

"Uh... No..." Bikky looked away. "So you may be coming home tomorrow huh? That's great." Bikky walked over to window and looked out. "Wow you're up high!"

Lyn exchanged a glance with Andrew and sighed. "Oh... I wish he had made it. I will have to call him later. Thank you all for being such a big help while I've been under the weather. It really means a lot to both of us."

"Why don't you tell Lyn the real reason Ryo can't make it in to see him?" Cal huffed then looked at Lyn. "He can't shake the fever he's had for days now and refuses to go back to the doctors. He insists that he's okay but he's sick as a dog! He can barely keep anything down and spends most of the day sleeping!" Cal confessed and wounded up getting glared at by Bikky for her efforts. She looked away from him, knowing that Bikky was more then angry with her.

"CAL!! THAT"S ENOUGH!" Bikky's face was red with anger. "They don't need to hear this! Ryo and I can take care of ourselves!" He started getting defensive, knowing that Ryo would be upset if he found out what Cal had said, especially since Lyn was still recovering.

Lyn sighed softly. "Don't yell at her Bikky. Remember what I told you about treating her like a lady?"

"Sorry but she should act like one then." He lowered his head. "It's just that I had asked her to not say anything to you about Ryo and she promised me that she wouldn't. Ryo will feel horrible if he thinks that you got upset." Bikky once again glared at Cal.

"Don't worry about it Bikky." Andrew could see that his Koi was flagging already. He dug in his pocket and produced a twenty and handed it to Bikky. "Why don't you two go grab some lunch and by the time that you come back I will probably have the girls up here." He grinned to Cal knowing how much she adored the little monsters.

"Sure why not. Time for the kids to leave so that the adults can talk. Funny though... They never say anything that makes sense. If Dee here would just get over whatever bug crawled up his ass and go to Ryo, the problem would be solved." Bikky grabbed Cal's hand and walked out in a huff.

Lyn fell back against his pillows exhausted. "Well he kind of has a point." That earned him a light rap on the thigh from Andrew and a light glare.

"Quiet Koi."

"He's just worried that's all. He doesn't know the full story and I can't tell a 12-year old about what happened to me." Dee managed to make it to a chair and sit down. "Sorry about that. Had I known the brat was going to pull a stunt like that I wouldn't have brought them."

Andrew sat down on Lyn's bed, helping Lyn to sit up a little then sliding behind him so that Lyn was resting back against him. "Yeah we know Dee. Ryo really does need to see a doctor. I'd tell you that too But I'm sure that you all ready know that." Andrew sighed heavily.

"Don't worry about the kids Dee. They're just... Just kids. Have you thought about... I don't know, maybe exchanging audio tapes with Ryo? Sort of like writing letters only vocally instead?" Lyn asked, absently fiddling with Andrew's wedding band.

"No... I haven't. Maybe I could include subliminal messages that would get the jerk to take care of himself! He's as stubborn as a mule and then some." Dee rapped his cane on the floor. "I guess that it's worth a try though... That's if he'll respond. I managed to drive that wedge deeper between us. I know it was stupid and all but I just couldn't stop myself."

"I suspect he will..." Lyn said with a sigh trying to keep his eyes open. "Just whisper sweet nothings to him..." Lyn trailed off leaning back more heavily on Andrew with his eyes drifting shut.

"Hey I'll let you two alone. You're exhausted and need your rest. I'll go find the kids and head out. I think I can manage this plus it'll be good practice." Dee stood. "Take care of him Drew. Love is a fragile flower that without the right care will whither and die." Dee commented as he made his way to the door.

Andrew looked down at his koi, already fast asleep in his arms. He tried to be tough and flip, tried to be chill and cool but Andrew knew that he had a heart of spun glass and a delicate build masked by his height. Love was indeed fragile. His love was fragile. Andrew bowed his head and kissed Lyn's brow. "I love you koi. Get better soon."

Dee sighed as he sat on the couch. The commotion giving him a headache. Duke was barking up a storm as Drew walked into the house with Lyn. Bikky and Cal were helping to carry in the flowers and balloons while Drew concentrated on Lyn and a small suitcase. "Hey welcome home." Dee gave a shout and then went back to his thoughts.

"Thanks Dee." Lyn said with a smile as he tried to settle the overly excited Duke intent on knocking him down.

"Up to the bedroom?" Andrew asked, his spare arm firmly around Lyn's waist.

"The study please mo rún. I've been flat on my back for days. And really, I can walk all on my own like a big boy. My blood sugar got a little low it's not like I had surgery."

"No you were only in a coma for three days that's all." Andrew sighed seeing Lyn's stubborn look.

"Fine but Bikky and Cal are going with you and I will make some tea."

Lyn nodded satisfied and kissing Andrew on the cheek before grabbing the banister and making his way slowly up the stairs. Bikky was about to grab Lyn's arm to help him but Cal beat him to it. "Hey Cal he's married remember? Besides he doesn't like girls! So there!" Bikky pouted as he walked behind them.

"You're just jealous Bikky Goldman... So there!" She stuck out her tongue at Bikky and then smiled at Lyn.

Lyn chuckled softly letting the little slip of a girl 'help him' up the stairs. "Thanks you two for looking after the girls so much this last week. Really, it's been a huge help." Lyn paused to catch his breath at the top of the stairs. "How is Ryo doing? I haven't had a chance to call him. Every time I think about it, I end up falling asleep instead."

"He's okay." Bikky replied quickly and glanced at Cal who quickly looked away.

"Do you need to rest here before continuing?" Cal asked afraid to meet Lyn's eyes.

Lyn shook his head and continued to the study at the end of the hall. "No I'm fine. How is he really Bikky? Come on you can tell me."

Bikky looked away for a moment. "Ryo told me to not say anything. He doesn't want you worrying." Lowering his head he felt embarrassed. "He can't seem to shake this cold. His fever breaks and it looks like things are getting better but then by the end of the day, it's back again. He can go back to work next week but I can't see how that will happen with him still so sick. He's not taking care of himself. He doesn't sleep well and still can't keep much of anything by the way of food, down." Bikky explained. "Just don't tell him that I told you. I promised that I wouldn't." Bright blue eyes looked up at the taller figure.

Lyn squatted down on shaky legs despite being worried he might not get back up. "I wont. It's okay Bikky. You did the right thing. We're all trying to help him. We'll get through this okay?"

Backing away Bikky scrubbed his eyes with his shirt sleeve. "Ryo seemed so happy. That night you got sick and he came here? He called and I heard it in his voice. Then... Then he came home sick and running a high fever. He hasn't been the same since."

"Bikky maybe Lyn doesn't want to hear this. The poor man just came home from the hospital. Let him rest for crying out loud! What Ryo needs is to get himself to the doctors but he's being stubborn about it." Dee was standing there now, listening to them. "Maybe you and Cal should go on home. Ryo needs you with him right now."

"It's your fault he's like this!" Bikky started advancing on Dee. "I really wanted to like you Dee! But now... Why are you hurting him like this? WHY?" Confused and hurt, Bikky just wanted to lash out somewhere... anywhere.

"Bikky..." Lyn stood a bit too quickly the world began spinning a bit as he snagged the stalking Bikky around the waist. "There's a lot that you don't know. All of us even Dee... especially Dee are doing the best that we can given the circumstances. Dee's been through a lot and your verbal abuse is the last thing that he needs right now."

"Fine! I'll leave the but do Ryo and I a favor and just stay out of our lives Dee!" Bikky jerked away from Lyn and raced down the stairs, tears flying off his cheeks. He nearly knocked Drew over as he ran past him.

"Damn brat doesn't know a thing! I warned Ryo that he'd be trouble! He should have let Juvenile Detention take care of him and be done with it!" Dee hissed. "Cal help Lyn and make sure that he isn't still dizzy." Dee ordered.

Lyn sighed, irritated with himself that he had upset Bikky, knowing that he had lost ground with him. He smiled to Cal as she steadied him. "Thank you Miss Cal. Go see if Bikky's okay, would you darlin'? I can make it to the study myself besides Dee's right here and Duke. We'll be fine."

"Okay. You take care." She smiled sweetly at him, giving him a kiss on the cheek and blushing from it before walking past Dee without so much as a goodbye.

"You do know that once Cal has a crush on someone she doesn't give up." Dee remarked trying to break the tension.

"Well, it will have to be an unrequited love. I'm rather committed to Andrew." Lyn Took Dee's elbow, whether it was to guide Dee or steady himself was unclear and rather moot as he headed down the hall. "He's just protecting Ryo, Dee. He doesn't understand."

"You don't know him like I do. That brat will do and say anything just to get his way. Ryo should have never taken him in. Too bad we weren't together then. I mean I've told Ryo... No puppies or babies and he accepts it. He has to." Dee led Lyn to the study. "You sure that you don't want to go lie down instead? I am sorry that Bikky started up. You don't need that right now."

"Yeah. I'm sure. Dee you love Bikky and you won't convince me other wise. You're just being tough because he hurt you just now." Lyn dropped heavily into an overstuffed chair.

"Yeah right..." Dee huffed. "I may be stuck with him if I want Ryo but there will be no more! I don't care what Ryo says."

"Uh huh. Maybe not right away but you adore the girls too, uncle Dee. Besides I never wanted children either. Had never even held one until I met Andrew." Lyn slumped in the chair more exhausted then he wanted to admit. "So never say never boy-o."

"Okay I like the girls but that's all you will get out of me. If he wants to play mommy then he can help Mother out at the orphanage or come here and play Uncle Ryo." Dee walked over and grabbed Lyn's wrist. Feeling for his pulse he frowned. "You should be resting."

"I am resting. Its not real extraneous to sit in a chair." Lyn huffed. "Besides I wanted to talk to you about something only vaguely related to Ryo and Bikky."

"Okay what's that?" Dee pulled up another chair and sat down.

"If they ever catch the bitch who did this to you I'm not sure how strong the case is. But depending on what charges are pending... Queer bashing carries notoriously low sentencing. Four seventeen year old kids got off with probation for killing a gay man in Georgia. But consider suing for damages. You probably wont get much money from it, just personal satisfaction. It's one more way to make sure the legal system does its job. I just wanted to mention it to you to keep in mind." Lyn steeple his fingers in front of his chest as he relaxed back.

"I-I'll keep that in mind." Dee shivered. "Damn! That bitch may have ruined my life and I don't even get the satisfaction of seeing her pay for it!"

"Hey I hate to say this but it bodes well for you that she's actually a serial murder. It means that they will try harder. After Andrew's report was taken it was dropped in a manila folder and filed away without getting more then a spell check. You're a police officer too. Assaulting a police officer carries heavy penalties. We don't like to see our boys in blue hurt." There was a hint of bitterness that Lyn couldn't keep from his voice. If they had caught the guys who had done this to Andrew he would have put them through the wringer so many times. Suing for damages was an easy way to circumvent double jeopardy. But because Andrew had been nothing more then one more fag to the police and legal system, Lyn had never got the chance to exact legal vengeance and Andrew never had closure.

"Now wait a minute Lyn! Not all police officers view gays as something sick! Don't think I didn't hear that in your voice. I know it sucks believe me I know! Being Bi isn't any better and being very open about it as I am, is worse. I deal with crap all the time and there are moments when I just want to bust someone's head open when they call me a fag! And this FROM my fellow police officers as well as the general public." Dee sighed. "At least in Drew's case he wasn't nearly raped! Thank your lucky fucking stars for that! It's hell! It's fucking hell!" Dee wiped at the tears sitting in his eyes.

Lyn reached over giving Dee's leg a squeeze. "Yeah I know. I'm sorry. I respect what you and Ryo do. I am amazed that you're willing to be out in the kind of job you have. And in the end it's gonna give you legal clout you wouldn't otherwise have. You've been hurt worse but you can do more damage back. You'll get your day in court and send that bitch where she belongs." Lyn's voice was quiet but intense. His face, had Dee been able to see it, was set in hard grim lines.

"Lyn I'm not even sure if I can resume a relationship with Ryo. I-I can't even get aroused. I just imagine that bitch's hands on me... Oh Christ." Dee lowered his head. "Ryo knows about it now. I broke and told him. Now I feel even more ashamed. I'm tainted."

Lyn leaned forward and took Dee's hands in his. "Dee I want you to listen to me real closely because I don't like having to say things twice." Lyn's voice had dropped down another decibel and he spoke with a quiet urgency. "You are not tainted. She touched you here." Lyn tapped Dee's thigh. "But nothing she could do could ever touch you here or here." He tapped Dee's chest over his heart, and then his forehead. "I know how shaming and demeaning it is. I know that it's even worse when your partner knows. But Ryo loves you anyway. And Andrew loves me anyway. We need to see ourselves through their eyes, not our own."

I want to Lyn... God I want to. That night he was here. God when he kissed me and practically begged me to make love to him... I wanted to so badly." Dee allowed the tears to fall. "I-I just can't do it yet. I'm not ready."

"What about just holding him? Could you do that?"

"After I told him about what had happened and he was holding me... I-I pushed him away. All he wanted to do was hold me and all I could do was to push him away. I think that I gave him the impression that things may be over between us." Dee looked up at Lyn feeling guilty about that. "I think that may be the reason he's not getting any better Lyn. He's... He's giving up"

"Damnú..." Lyn cursed under his breath before taking a deep breath and trying another route. "Why? Why push him away?" Lyn asked softly. Not for his own benefit but so that Dee could talk about it, think about it, wrap his mind around it when he wasn't alone and while there was someone there to ground him.

"I knew that it wouldn't stop there. He'd want me to kiss him and then touch him and it would just keep going. Ryo is sweet but naive as shit. If I had said anything about it to him he wouldn't have understood." Dee sniffled, giving off a shaky sigh.

"He might have. He may be naive but he isn't stupid. Have you tried sending him a tape yet?"

"Yeah I did and I got one back. It kills me to listen to it. He sounds so sick... So tired and dammit, so sad." Dee shut his eyes tightly. "He kept saying over and over about how he loves me and misses me... How he understands and wants to help me through this. 'Ai shiteru Dee' is how he ended the tape. The problem is, I can't say it back to him. All of a sudden I can't say it back."

Lyn nodded, remaining quiet for a moment. He didn't want to push Dee but it was like Dee had just stalled out. He wasn't making progress but he wasn't loosing ground either. He was just in a holding pattern. "I'm not sure what to tell you Dee. He needs you and I think that you need him even though you're scared of that. He won't get any better until he has you or at least your heart and you, I don't think, will make much progress without him on the sidelines cheering for you."

"Yeah I know but I can't help thinking that sometimes I'm holding on to nothing." Dee sighed and stood. "Listen Lyn you need to rest, not play psychologist with me. Granted, I am thankful for it and it does help but right now, you need to worry about yourself." He smiled at him. "I'm thinking that I may go ahead and move into the orphanage in a week or so. I hope that you and Drew can put up with me for at least that long." Dee started for the door. "Thanks for the talk. It really does help."

"You know that you're welcome to stay here for as long as you need to Dee. We sort of like having you around." Lyn sighed, completely exhausted but reminding himself to call Ryo before he fell asleep again.

"Thanks I like being around you guys too... And the girls. But I get this feeling that I'm not helping you two. I'd hate to see any problems develop between you and Drew. You're two of the nicest friends a person could have." Dee smiled and walked out actually feeling a little better about everything. No wonder Ryo latched onto him so easily. Lyn had this wonderful way of making you feel good about yourself even on your worse day.

Shaking his head Lyn rubbed his face then reached for the phone and punched in Ryo's number, waiting patiently as the phone rang.

"Moshi Moshi. County morgue. You stab 'em and we'll slab 'em." Ryo voice sounded weak, tired and hoarse as it came over the phone.

"Um...? See when I do it it's funny. When you do it it's just morbid." Lyn said with some humor but also a small shudder.

"Well that's life I guess. So what can I do for you?" Ryo asked though not in the mood to talk considering he had just spent the past few minutes hugging the toilet bowl and throwing up his breakfast.

"Uh. Apparently a brush off but hey whatever floats your boat. Have a nice day Ryo." Shaking his head Lyn hung up. "Gee should I go out and get the 'best friends' charm bracelets today or can it wait until tomorrow?" He asked the silent phone.

Sitting there stunned by the abrupt end to the phone conversation, Ryo stared at the phone still in his hand. "G-Gomen Lyn... I feel so sick my friend. I need help. God I need help." Ryo shut his eyes as the tears slipped out. Getting up and walking back into the bedroom he lay down. Curling into a ball. "So just take me all ready okay! DAMN YOU! Just fucking take me!" He shouted to the ceiling. He lost his potential lover and now he may have lost his best friend. What good was it to go on? Why should he? Lyn and Drew, even Dee could do a better job at raising Bikky so why was he needed at all? Sobbing softly he allowed himself to drift off to an ever familiar fever induced sleep.

Drew walked into the study and noticed the long face on his lover. Frowning, he sat down near him and waited for him to speak. Lyn smiled weakly to his husband. "I think that I'm ready to go lay down now." Andrew nodded and helped Lyn to his feet, guiding him to their bedroom and getting him settled before laying down next to him. Propped up on one elbow and looking down into Lyn's tired face he smooth the hair from his brow. "You ever have one of those days when you're really too tired to deal with anything but all you do is make more problems for yourself?" Lyn asked and Andrew nodded, stroking Lyn's cheek with the back of his hand.

"Having one of those days lover?"

"Yeah... Yeah I am." Lyn turned his face away from Andrew as tears welled in his eyes. "God I'm sorry. I'm still not one hundred percent."

"No need to apologize sweetheart. You're tired and it's been a rough month all the way around." Drew comforted and Lyn sniffed.

"Thanks An. You always make it better."

"Well I try anyways. You just take it easy. Do you want your tea? I left it in the study?"

"No. Just lay with me for awhile okay?"

"That I can do." Andrew said with a small smile as he pulled Lyn into his arms, spooning around him. No matter what had him so upset, Drew vowed to protect the man he loved, to comfort him and to always be there in whatever capacity that Lyn needed him in. This was the man he fell in love with, married and now was raising their kids with... This was his Lyn.

W ildefyre: Okay guys let us know what you think! We live for reviews so review, review and oh yeah... REVIEW! It's the only way we know whether something flies or if there's something we need to alter. We don't mind hearing your opinions in fact they really help us. We've only gotten one partially negative review thus far and that's great. As for the length of this thing... We're still not sure how we will work it. As I have said in the past, this is being done through AIM, and each window I save is more or less equal to 1 chapter. I have 50 plus windows saved. ^_^;; That's a lot of editing you guys!! Oy Vay! Oh and don't forget to check out both my and Irish's sites. In case you aren't aware, I now have the "Bishounen Bytes" page up where you can submit questions to be answered by your favorite characters. I plan to eventually add Ted and Drake into the picture and As of 4/12 Cal will be joining the team. If The guys don't get questions, they don't get to work and then I have to close them down!!

Irish: Whoa boy we're working our rear ends off and it's fun! For those of you panting after the next chapter of SOTF, I apologize that I have been slow getting it up... err... posting it. But I have been crazy with back log. Wildefyre and I are working on two story lines at once... And a lemon (Ryo/Lyn). I personally am working on SOTF, and augmentations for our second story line. Not to mention school work! I am still working and beg your patience. Woohoo. All right review! We love you! You're great!