Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction ❯ Episode 1: The Past Is Present Directors Cut ❯ Chapter 4
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: scryer666 
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Action / Angst | Type: Self Insertion | Uploaded On: 07.18.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 225 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Action / Angst | Type: Self Insertion | Uploaded On: 07.18.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 225 | Status: Completed
he walked down the hallway solemly to the lounge room and sat down on the back porch, muttering to himself "why, why is it i push them away when they try to get close?" "joshua-san, are you alright?, do you need someone to talk to?" he turned to see bell, she looked concerned. he turned and said "nothing belldandy, nothing at all". she frowned for a moment before she left the room, leaving him to his thoughts.
he looked up to the sky for a minute as a voice from a distant memory said "you're fucking weak joshua!!!, you'll never amount to anything!!!! you'll always be a goddamn worthless piece of shit!!!"
he was immediately transported back to when he was only seven; he'd broken a window and was sitting in his room crying because his father had hit him hard, 5 times.
the young josh sat on his bed, crying and nursing a bruised jaw from where his father hit him
"i guess he was right" said josh "i am a worthless peice of shit. i don't even know what i'm doing here anymore, maybe i should've died there instead of her" he touched a finger to his cheek and saw that it was a tear, which meant one thing; he was crying. he put his arms around his chest and hunched over as he cried, not knowing that urd was standing in the hallway behind him, watching the whole thing, hearing his thoughts, so she heard his recollections.
Josh leant against the post as he stopped crying and was just sobbing quietly.
-I am a plastic man
wish I can be the one you could be proud of-
a noise next to him alerted him, so he sat up and saw urd sit on the back porch next to him "Urd, What're you...?"
-I知 losing heart again
wish I could show you what you think I知 made of-
"come here josh" she said as she wrapped her arms around him and held him close, saying "it's alright josh, you can tell me what is troubling you. let it all out"
-Someday I know I値l find my place, -
he sat back and with tear-filled eyes, he said "i've got nothing left to fight for, nothing left to believe in, to care about or even live for. i live every day for the chance to die, this pain i feel just gets to much to bear sometimes. i fail everyone and everything, so i don't bother anymore. whenever i've had a problem, i've always been alone in dealing with them. like for example; i was depressed a lot and i told my mother and father and they shrugged it off, no one cared about me or my problems; as long as i could do what they wanted me to do, they didn't care, because of that i've contemplated suicide many times and tried it three times."
-someday I know this pain will fade,
I Am a perfect sale,-
"i've never had any luck with the ladies either. no girl wanted anything to do in any way with me, so i've been lonely and depressed because no woman would love me, heh, why would they, not like i have anything going in my favour"
-just wrap me up with your bow and flowers
I will neglect to tell,
I値l sell your story that we love each other-
"not true joshua, there's plenty" josh looked up into those sparkling emerald eyes of hers as he asked "like what? who would want an absolute loser, an abused miserable, depressed suicidal loser?" "me, for starters" "what do you mean?" "we're a lot alike, you and i josh, thats why i feel a connection every time i'm around you" "what're you trying to say urd?" she leant in close, so that their faces were almost touching, making josh start to inwardly shake with fear.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I know this pain will fade-
before he could react, she kissed him on his lips <mm, her lips..so soft> he thought as he subconciously reached a hand up to the back of her head to pull her deeper into the kiss.
-Why don't you let me be, and I値l pretend I知 well
舛ause you池e too blind to see, and I知 too tired to tell
And in your apathy, your head begins to swell-
they lingered for a minute, before they slowly seperated "i guess what i'm trying to say is, i love you and i want to help you"
-Another tragedy, but you池e too cold to feel-
she noticed his look of confusion and distrust, so she asked "what's wrong?" "i've never been in this situation before, so i don't know how i'm supposed to react to this and i also dont like being played with" urd just looked into his eyes and said "you don't have to react to it right now, when you feel ready. i'll always be there for you so you can tell me when you're ready, alright honey? i really do love you with all of my heart" as she kissed him on his cheek.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I know this pain will fade-
they both turned out and watched the moon as it shone, illuminating the entire city as she rested her head on his shoulder.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I値l sing my last refrain-
"he used to beat me and verbally abuse me, telling me that i would never amount to anything worth of a dog's turd. if i tried to say something, he would often tell me to shut the fuck up or hit me. my mother and my sisters were not much better though" urd turned to him as he turned to her and said "my father. half of the time, he was a rotten father, but it was understandable; i mean, he was in the vietnam war and never really got over it" he looked out to the night sky, got to his feet and headed inside, laying out onto the couch "if you want to you can stay out here with me, if not, i won't blame you. i wouldn't sleep near me either" urd watched him fall asleep, so she headed back into her room where she fell asleep shortly afterwards.
the next morning, urd came out to the lounge room only to find that josh'd already left for the college, so she sat down onto the couch and turned the television on.
as he sat in his morning class, he found he couldn't concentrate because his thoughts would often wander back to urd "i love you josh" she had told him <shit, why did i have to act like that. here is a sexy woman who is any mans fantasy and she wants to be my girlfriend, and i act like a dickhead, god i'm such a fucking retard> he thought to himself as a friendly nudge knocked him out of his thoughts "josh" he turned to see keiichi and belldandy "what is it keiichi?" "what's with you? ever since this morning you've been acting strange, especially around urd or when i mentioned her this morning" josh blushed slightly and said "it's complicated"
lunchtime came 'round, so josh found a quiet little spot on the roof where he laid with his arms behind his head, looking up to the sky "josh, what're you doing up here?" he sat up and saw chihiro; she was standing a few feet away from him "nothing, just thinking" her expression changed to curiousity as she asked "oh really, what about?" as she sat down next to him "Urd" "you mean Belldandy's older sister? why?" "last night we were sitting on the back porch and she kissed me and told me that she loved me" "good on you josh, i'm happy for you" "that's where the problems surface" "why?" "because of my history with women i can't trust them straight away, and it pains me. i wish to god i never had that horrible past, that way, i wouldn't be so afraid to get romantically involved with urd. she's the third person i've ever told my past to"
chihiro just looked to him and said "Josh, maybe you just need to take your time with her, maybe you two need to get to know each other a little better. go on a date or something with her" "maybe, i don't know. i just don't want to put my heart out on the line only to have it broken, i've had enough heartbreak to last me a lifetime and i'm sick of it. i'm sorry if i was carrying on a bit there chihiro, it's just that i don't know what to do anymore. i mean, she's the first woman who's told me that she's interested in me in any way, so i'm not sure what to do anymore, and i can honestly say that it frightens me that i don't know" chihiro shook her head and said "you weren't josh, now that you've told me, maybe i can help you with your problem. as i was saying before, just take it one step at a time with her, just don't rush things" josh turned to her and said "thank you chihiro. i might drop round to the shop after classes and give you guys a hand if you need one?"
she shook her head again and said "no, don't worry about it. you need to sort things out with urd anyway, so i want you to take some time off and get to know each other a little better. take her some place romantic, just don't try too hard. i know how you always said that you don't want to be something you're not" "maybe i will take her out someplace nice, i really don't know. i have to re-pay her for what she's done so far for me. i'll see you later" he said as he got to his feet and walked away.
when he finished for the day, he decided to head to a bar. he sat down on the stool and ordered a drink as he looked around "so harry, hows buisness been mate?" harry as he was known as, or harold sampson was a burly australian like josh who'd migrated to nekomi 3 years ago and managed to create a bar from scratch. he was 6ft 7' and dressed in a bar suit and tie. he was the one that paid for joshua to come over to japan to study at nekomi tech because he was well connected in the right places, if you wanted season tickets to the basketball, he could get it for you. if you wanted a crate of guns, he could get that too for you, he was the ultimate concierge of criminals.
harry was a good man, just he had to do the wrong things for the right reasons, like for example; he had to sell twenty grams of cocaine in order to get josh over to makuhari for a new life, that's why josh considered him to be his mate, his best friend. "just fine mate, how's things with you?" "fucking miserable" he frowned and said "i see, the usual then?" josh nodded and harry said "want to talk about it?" "not right now, sorry harry" harry nodded and said "don't worry bout it mate, i have faith that you'll sort yourself out. you've managed to do so in the past eh" "thanks harry, guess i'll see you later huh?" "alright, take care josh" "you too harry. tell stella i said hi" "will do" he said as josh put down a five dollar note on the bar top and left.
he walked along the dimly lit street, clutching his black jacket to himself as he headed to god-knows-where. a half-hour later, he drove out to a plateu overlooking the city and leant onto the railing, thinking "what the fucking hell do i do now? she loves me, but i can't return that love. i want to, but i've been broken enough to have the capacity to love be removed from my heart. i want to love but i can't because of what happened to me" he grabbed a guitar out of the car and sat on the bonnet as he began playing:
"I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup"
tears rolled down his eyes as he played and looked out to the city, spotting the temple in the distance.
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said
[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
I won't give up if you dont give up
I won't give up if you dont give up
thoughts of urd filled his mind; her smell, her hair, the entire package which made up the norn of the past
I won't give up if you dont give up
I won't give up if you dont give up
she was intoxicating to be around, she made him feel alive for once, gave him hope for the future, she actually gave him sonething or someone to give a damn about-
"I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me"
but then he felt it was all bullshite, all a big goddamn joke that was being played out with him as the patsy. he knew he probably had very little chance with the norn of the past. he felt that he should leave and walk away from it all, from her; but a piece of his mind wouldn't allow it, wouldn't allow him to live with it.
"And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels
Calling all you angels
"josh" a voice behind him called. he turned and saw urd, she was dressed in a light purple bed robe and wore an expression which meant that she was worried "Josh, if you need my help, all you need to do is to let me inside your heart and let me help you, because i love you and i really want to help. every time i see you like this, i can't help but feel saddened and helpless by how you won't let me in to help" he looked out and said sadly "i want to urd, believe me i want to. it's just that i've been been hurt too many times. the walls come up before i can do anything" "i know josh, that's why i want to help, please josh, let me help you" she said as tears began to fall from her eyes. he saw this and collapsed against the railing feeling gutted, so he said "you see, this is what i'm talking about urd, anytime someone tries to get close to me i end up upsetting them or putting up walls to push them away because of my past, of the abuse, that's why i'm afraid that can't love you so easily. i'm sorry urd, i'm so sorry if i've hurt you. i'll leave if you want me to" he climbed to his feet and began walking towards and past urd, but not before a weak-sounding voice stopped him
-D' you breath the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
n' taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed,
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, till' you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill-
"when i was born, my mother was said to have abandoned me, leaving me with my father. like you, when i was in Yggdrasil, i would often get abuse from the other gods and goddesses because of what i was. one day, my father sat me down and told me all about my mother. her name is hild and she is the Daimakaicho of hell, the leader, so in essence i am half goddess on my father's side and half demoness on my mother's side, so i had to make a choice; live as a demoness in hell or be a goddess in heaven. as you can see, i chose to be a goddess. occasionally i would have to struggle to control my demon side, but lately, seeing you like this has just made it harder for me to control my demoness side. that's why i need you josh, we're two of a kind, we've both suffered a life time of pain and we can help each other"
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust-
she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning her around to face him and look into his eyes
"Urd, let me make this clear to you so you can understand; i love you, it's just that i can't express it as easily as you can, i'm sorry" he said as he kissed her on her forehead, before he held her close and stroked her long soft platinum coloured hair, fighting the rather strong urge to run "i'm sorry if i've hurt you urd, i know you don't deserve it. you don't deserve to be around someone like me who's only going to hurt you more, and i won't be able to live with myself knowing that i was the one that hurt you"
-Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust,
oooohhhhh-
he let her go and began walking away, before he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and a voice saying "Josh, please stay, i need you. i feel happier when i'm with you" he let out a breath and said "alright, not like i had anywhere else i could go anyhow" they walked back out to the lookout and stood in silence for a few minutes, before josh spoke first "urd, i'm sorry if i hurt you in anyway with my actions this past week, it's just that you love me and i've never had a woman tell me that they're even remotely interested in me, so it makes me more than a little suspicious to find that a woman claims she's interested in me"
-It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before-
urd grabbed his hand and held it softly and close to her bosom "Josh" she said "i genuinely love you, and i really want to help you come out of your shell, those two things should be all that matters between us. josh, if i can help you come out of your shell, will you try and show me the love you feel inside?"
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust-
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust, oooohhhhh-
josh turned to her and said "if you really can help me, then i will try to. i just don't want to be hurt anymore, i just can't take it" Urd leaned over so josh could see into her sparkling emerald eyes. josh looked into those eyes and saw truth, the love she felt for him and also her broken past that she had to live with.
-Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning-
when he looked into her eyes, he also felt an emotion that he hadn't felt before. it felt like butterflies were fluttering around his stomach and his head was swimming, so he told her.
-Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning-
"ah, i know what it is. it's love, you're beginning to experience love" she said as she kissed him on the lips, passionately as they held each other close, fearing that if they let go of each other, they would be lost again. at that moment, the two didn't know that they were being watched by a shadowy figure, who crossed their arms and said "all according to plan" before they dissapeared into the shadows.
as they walked back, josh was hesitant at first "it's alright josh, nothing's going to happen yet unless you want it to" urd said softly as she held his hand. <her hand's so soft> he thought as he felt her fingers intertwine with his. as they walked together under the moonlight, he didn't want to let go of her hand because he feared he'd loose all he held dear, which now included urd. they approached the temple and josh took in a deep breath, saying "so what do we tell them about us?" urd stopped, turned to him and smiled softly, saying "easy, that we're together and that's all that should matter, right?" josh nodded and said "yeah, guess you're right" "listen josh, i don't expect you to open your heart to me right away, but i want you to let me help you reconcile you with your past. maybe that way you can begin to feel a little more, but we'll take it one step at a time. as you feel more comfortable we'll move on to the next step" josh smiled, nodded and said "yeah, thanks urd"
he looked up to the sky for a minute as a voice from a distant memory said "you're fucking weak joshua!!!, you'll never amount to anything!!!! you'll always be a goddamn worthless piece of shit!!!"
he was immediately transported back to when he was only seven; he'd broken a window and was sitting in his room crying because his father had hit him hard, 5 times.
the young josh sat on his bed, crying and nursing a bruised jaw from where his father hit him
"i guess he was right" said josh "i am a worthless peice of shit. i don't even know what i'm doing here anymore, maybe i should've died there instead of her" he touched a finger to his cheek and saw that it was a tear, which meant one thing; he was crying. he put his arms around his chest and hunched over as he cried, not knowing that urd was standing in the hallway behind him, watching the whole thing, hearing his thoughts, so she heard his recollections.
Josh leant against the post as he stopped crying and was just sobbing quietly.
-I am a plastic man
wish I can be the one you could be proud of-
a noise next to him alerted him, so he sat up and saw urd sit on the back porch next to him "Urd, What're you...?"
-I知 losing heart again
wish I could show you what you think I知 made of-
"come here josh" she said as she wrapped her arms around him and held him close, saying "it's alright josh, you can tell me what is troubling you. let it all out"
-Someday I know I値l find my place, -
he sat back and with tear-filled eyes, he said "i've got nothing left to fight for, nothing left to believe in, to care about or even live for. i live every day for the chance to die, this pain i feel just gets to much to bear sometimes. i fail everyone and everything, so i don't bother anymore. whenever i've had a problem, i've always been alone in dealing with them. like for example; i was depressed a lot and i told my mother and father and they shrugged it off, no one cared about me or my problems; as long as i could do what they wanted me to do, they didn't care, because of that i've contemplated suicide many times and tried it three times."
-someday I know this pain will fade,
I Am a perfect sale,-
"i've never had any luck with the ladies either. no girl wanted anything to do in any way with me, so i've been lonely and depressed because no woman would love me, heh, why would they, not like i have anything going in my favour"
-just wrap me up with your bow and flowers
I will neglect to tell,
I値l sell your story that we love each other-
"not true joshua, there's plenty" josh looked up into those sparkling emerald eyes of hers as he asked "like what? who would want an absolute loser, an abused miserable, depressed suicidal loser?" "me, for starters" "what do you mean?" "we're a lot alike, you and i josh, thats why i feel a connection every time i'm around you" "what're you trying to say urd?" she leant in close, so that their faces were almost touching, making josh start to inwardly shake with fear.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I know this pain will fade-
before he could react, she kissed him on his lips <mm, her lips..so soft> he thought as he subconciously reached a hand up to the back of her head to pull her deeper into the kiss.
-Why don't you let me be, and I値l pretend I知 well
舛ause you池e too blind to see, and I知 too tired to tell
And in your apathy, your head begins to swell-
they lingered for a minute, before they slowly seperated "i guess what i'm trying to say is, i love you and i want to help you"
-Another tragedy, but you池e too cold to feel-
she noticed his look of confusion and distrust, so she asked "what's wrong?" "i've never been in this situation before, so i don't know how i'm supposed to react to this and i also dont like being played with" urd just looked into his eyes and said "you don't have to react to it right now, when you feel ready. i'll always be there for you so you can tell me when you're ready, alright honey? i really do love you with all of my heart" as she kissed him on his cheek.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I know this pain will fade-
they both turned out and watched the moon as it shone, illuminating the entire city as she rested her head on his shoulder.
-Someday I know I値l find my place, someday I値l sing my last refrain-
"he used to beat me and verbally abuse me, telling me that i would never amount to anything worth of a dog's turd. if i tried to say something, he would often tell me to shut the fuck up or hit me. my mother and my sisters were not much better though" urd turned to him as he turned to her and said "my father. half of the time, he was a rotten father, but it was understandable; i mean, he was in the vietnam war and never really got over it" he looked out to the night sky, got to his feet and headed inside, laying out onto the couch "if you want to you can stay out here with me, if not, i won't blame you. i wouldn't sleep near me either" urd watched him fall asleep, so she headed back into her room where she fell asleep shortly afterwards.
the next morning, urd came out to the lounge room only to find that josh'd already left for the college, so she sat down onto the couch and turned the television on.
as he sat in his morning class, he found he couldn't concentrate because his thoughts would often wander back to urd "i love you josh" she had told him <shit, why did i have to act like that. here is a sexy woman who is any mans fantasy and she wants to be my girlfriend, and i act like a dickhead, god i'm such a fucking retard> he thought to himself as a friendly nudge knocked him out of his thoughts "josh" he turned to see keiichi and belldandy "what is it keiichi?" "what's with you? ever since this morning you've been acting strange, especially around urd or when i mentioned her this morning" josh blushed slightly and said "it's complicated"
lunchtime came 'round, so josh found a quiet little spot on the roof where he laid with his arms behind his head, looking up to the sky "josh, what're you doing up here?" he sat up and saw chihiro; she was standing a few feet away from him "nothing, just thinking" her expression changed to curiousity as she asked "oh really, what about?" as she sat down next to him "Urd" "you mean Belldandy's older sister? why?" "last night we were sitting on the back porch and she kissed me and told me that she loved me" "good on you josh, i'm happy for you" "that's where the problems surface" "why?" "because of my history with women i can't trust them straight away, and it pains me. i wish to god i never had that horrible past, that way, i wouldn't be so afraid to get romantically involved with urd. she's the third person i've ever told my past to"
chihiro just looked to him and said "Josh, maybe you just need to take your time with her, maybe you two need to get to know each other a little better. go on a date or something with her" "maybe, i don't know. i just don't want to put my heart out on the line only to have it broken, i've had enough heartbreak to last me a lifetime and i'm sick of it. i'm sorry if i was carrying on a bit there chihiro, it's just that i don't know what to do anymore. i mean, she's the first woman who's told me that she's interested in me in any way, so i'm not sure what to do anymore, and i can honestly say that it frightens me that i don't know" chihiro shook her head and said "you weren't josh, now that you've told me, maybe i can help you with your problem. as i was saying before, just take it one step at a time with her, just don't rush things" josh turned to her and said "thank you chihiro. i might drop round to the shop after classes and give you guys a hand if you need one?"
she shook her head again and said "no, don't worry about it. you need to sort things out with urd anyway, so i want you to take some time off and get to know each other a little better. take her some place romantic, just don't try too hard. i know how you always said that you don't want to be something you're not" "maybe i will take her out someplace nice, i really don't know. i have to re-pay her for what she's done so far for me. i'll see you later" he said as he got to his feet and walked away.
when he finished for the day, he decided to head to a bar. he sat down on the stool and ordered a drink as he looked around "so harry, hows buisness been mate?" harry as he was known as, or harold sampson was a burly australian like josh who'd migrated to nekomi 3 years ago and managed to create a bar from scratch. he was 6ft 7' and dressed in a bar suit and tie. he was the one that paid for joshua to come over to japan to study at nekomi tech because he was well connected in the right places, if you wanted season tickets to the basketball, he could get it for you. if you wanted a crate of guns, he could get that too for you, he was the ultimate concierge of criminals.
harry was a good man, just he had to do the wrong things for the right reasons, like for example; he had to sell twenty grams of cocaine in order to get josh over to makuhari for a new life, that's why josh considered him to be his mate, his best friend. "just fine mate, how's things with you?" "fucking miserable" he frowned and said "i see, the usual then?" josh nodded and harry said "want to talk about it?" "not right now, sorry harry" harry nodded and said "don't worry bout it mate, i have faith that you'll sort yourself out. you've managed to do so in the past eh" "thanks harry, guess i'll see you later huh?" "alright, take care josh" "you too harry. tell stella i said hi" "will do" he said as josh put down a five dollar note on the bar top and left.
he walked along the dimly lit street, clutching his black jacket to himself as he headed to god-knows-where. a half-hour later, he drove out to a plateu overlooking the city and leant onto the railing, thinking "what the fucking hell do i do now? she loves me, but i can't return that love. i want to, but i've been broken enough to have the capacity to love be removed from my heart. i want to love but i can't because of what happened to me" he grabbed a guitar out of the car and sat on the bonnet as he began playing:
"I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup"
tears rolled down his eyes as he played and looked out to the city, spotting the temple in the distance.
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said
[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
I won't give up if you dont give up
I won't give up if you dont give up
thoughts of urd filled his mind; her smell, her hair, the entire package which made up the norn of the past
I won't give up if you dont give up
I won't give up if you dont give up
she was intoxicating to be around, she made him feel alive for once, gave him hope for the future, she actually gave him sonething or someone to give a damn about-
"I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me"
but then he felt it was all bullshite, all a big goddamn joke that was being played out with him as the patsy. he knew he probably had very little chance with the norn of the past. he felt that he should leave and walk away from it all, from her; but a piece of his mind wouldn't allow it, wouldn't allow him to live with it.
"And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels
Calling all you angels
"josh" a voice behind him called. he turned and saw urd, she was dressed in a light purple bed robe and wore an expression which meant that she was worried "Josh, if you need my help, all you need to do is to let me inside your heart and let me help you, because i love you and i really want to help. every time i see you like this, i can't help but feel saddened and helpless by how you won't let me in to help" he looked out and said sadly "i want to urd, believe me i want to. it's just that i've been been hurt too many times. the walls come up before i can do anything" "i know josh, that's why i want to help, please josh, let me help you" she said as tears began to fall from her eyes. he saw this and collapsed against the railing feeling gutted, so he said "you see, this is what i'm talking about urd, anytime someone tries to get close to me i end up upsetting them or putting up walls to push them away because of my past, of the abuse, that's why i'm afraid that can't love you so easily. i'm sorry urd, i'm so sorry if i've hurt you. i'll leave if you want me to" he climbed to his feet and began walking towards and past urd, but not before a weak-sounding voice stopped him
-D' you breath the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
n' taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed,
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, till' you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill-
"when i was born, my mother was said to have abandoned me, leaving me with my father. like you, when i was in Yggdrasil, i would often get abuse from the other gods and goddesses because of what i was. one day, my father sat me down and told me all about my mother. her name is hild and she is the Daimakaicho of hell, the leader, so in essence i am half goddess on my father's side and half demoness on my mother's side, so i had to make a choice; live as a demoness in hell or be a goddess in heaven. as you can see, i chose to be a goddess. occasionally i would have to struggle to control my demon side, but lately, seeing you like this has just made it harder for me to control my demoness side. that's why i need you josh, we're two of a kind, we've both suffered a life time of pain and we can help each other"
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust-
she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning her around to face him and look into his eyes
"Urd, let me make this clear to you so you can understand; i love you, it's just that i can't express it as easily as you can, i'm sorry" he said as he kissed her on her forehead, before he held her close and stroked her long soft platinum coloured hair, fighting the rather strong urge to run "i'm sorry if i've hurt you urd, i know you don't deserve it. you don't deserve to be around someone like me who's only going to hurt you more, and i won't be able to live with myself knowing that i was the one that hurt you"
-Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust,
oooohhhhh-
he let her go and began walking away, before he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and a voice saying "Josh, please stay, i need you. i feel happier when i'm with you" he let out a breath and said "alright, not like i had anywhere else i could go anyhow" they walked back out to the lookout and stood in silence for a few minutes, before josh spoke first "urd, i'm sorry if i hurt you in anyway with my actions this past week, it's just that you love me and i've never had a woman tell me that they're even remotely interested in me, so it makes me more than a little suspicious to find that a woman claims she's interested in me"
-It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before-
urd grabbed his hand and held it softly and close to her bosom "Josh" she said "i genuinely love you, and i really want to help you come out of your shell, those two things should be all that matters between us. josh, if i can help you come out of your shell, will you try and show me the love you feel inside?"
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust-
-Come feed the rain
Cos I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
Cos without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust, oooohhhhh-
josh turned to her and said "if you really can help me, then i will try to. i just don't want to be hurt anymore, i just can't take it" Urd leaned over so josh could see into her sparkling emerald eyes. josh looked into those eyes and saw truth, the love she felt for him and also her broken past that she had to live with.
-Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning-
when he looked into her eyes, he also felt an emotion that he hadn't felt before. it felt like butterflies were fluttering around his stomach and his head was swimming, so he told her.
-Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning-
"ah, i know what it is. it's love, you're beginning to experience love" she said as she kissed him on the lips, passionately as they held each other close, fearing that if they let go of each other, they would be lost again. at that moment, the two didn't know that they were being watched by a shadowy figure, who crossed their arms and said "all according to plan" before they dissapeared into the shadows.
as they walked back, josh was hesitant at first "it's alright josh, nothing's going to happen yet unless you want it to" urd said softly as she held his hand. <her hand's so soft> he thought as he felt her fingers intertwine with his. as they walked together under the moonlight, he didn't want to let go of her hand because he feared he'd loose all he held dear, which now included urd. they approached the temple and josh took in a deep breath, saying "so what do we tell them about us?" urd stopped, turned to him and smiled softly, saying "easy, that we're together and that's all that should matter, right?" josh nodded and said "yeah, guess you're right" "listen josh, i don't expect you to open your heart to me right away, but i want you to let me help you reconcile you with your past. maybe that way you can begin to feel a little more, but we'll take it one step at a time. as you feel more comfortable we'll move on to the next step" josh smiled, nodded and said "yeah, thanks urd"