Fan Fiction / Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ DST3K ❯ Disaster and a Movie Part II: Return of the Blinking! ( Chapter 3 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Digitally Screwed-
Up Theater 3000

Chapter three: Disaster and a Movie
(Part two)

On a really screwed-up planet (Ooooo!)
In the mist of cyberspace (La-la-la!)
There was this dude called Squuaaaall,
Who was caught in a nasty place! (La-la-la!)

He must survive, Chaoticmon's wrath!
Just a sticky ol' 'mon who never takes a bath!
From his castle below with Seph and Demi in his face
He tries to torture all the captives on Ken's old base
(Squall: Get… me… DOWN!!!)

Chaoticmon: I'll send them cheesy fanfics (Ooooo!)
The worst I can find! (Seph and Demi: La-la-la!)
They'll have t' sit and read them all
'Till it ruptures their minds! (La-la-la!)

Now keep in mind, Squall can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La-la-la!)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his Digimon friends!

………Digi-Gang Role Call:
Diamon! (We're the chicks?)
Squall! (Kewl!)
Wormmon! (What's a foe?)
Ken! (Humph!)
Veemon! (How y'all doin'?)
Daaviiiiiiss!! (WAAZZUUUUUUPP!!!)

So if you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other good questions (La-la-la!)
Talk to Izzy 'cause really I just don't know.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention…

This is Digitally Screwed-Up Theater 3000! (…Twang!)

In the week of absents, dust had collected on just about everything in the room. As there
was no one to maintain the room, the dust simply sat there and continued to collect over
time.
Suddenly, the automatic door left of the theater, slid open, upsetting the dust on
everything within range of the gust kicked up by this action. After it had open, a very
tired and somewhat ragged-looking Squall walked in, Diamon perched on his shoulder.
He took a quick look around the room before immediately fainting.

"Hey, Squall! You okay?" was the first thing the boy heard as he slowly faded back into
consciousness. The voice belonged to Davis.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Squall responded as he weakly opened his eyes, leaning up from the
satellite's couch as he held his throbbing head.
Davis extended a hand to Squall and the baseball-capped boy took it as the neo goggle
boy helped him stand back up. Squall looked around and saw Ken standing nearby. He
also noticed that (apparently) the other two boys had tidied up a bit while he was out. The
large amount of dust had been somewhat driven back and now it was a little easier to
breathe.
"So, did you two find anything while on your journeys?" Ken asked.
"I'll say!" Davis spoke up. "I learned the true meaning… of Monday!"
"I found out we have a basement… and that it was flooded…" said Squall. "Me 'n
Diamon nearly got killed by a pack of about a million really pissed Magikarp!"
"Well, I found out that this thing is powered by an antimatter fusion core. And that, oddly
enough, it's right next to the bathroom," Ken relayed.
"You found a bath room!" Veemon called.
"Yes. It's right through there," Ken replied, pointing to the door he chose when they
decided on this outing.
"Good, 'cause I really gotta go!!" Veemon was off like a shot.
"And then I learned the true meaning… of Thursday!" Davis continued. No one was
listening.
"Well, now that we've got that little excretion out of the way, think we should call
Chaoticmon and them?" Squall interjected
"I do not see any other course of action," said Ken with a shrug.
Squall proceeded to punch at a few of the buttons on the control panel, and an image of a
trio of grease-covered villains appeared.
"We did it! We fixed it!" DemiDevimon shouted to them.
"Ah man!" Davis groaned.
"Yup! Which means you guys are heading back into the theater!" Seph informed them
with a superior smirk.
"And you're going to finish that God-awful story you were reading last time,"
Chaoticmon explained.
To this, everyone groaned.
"Groan all you want but you don't have a choice!" Seph taunted. "Now get you're asses
back in the theater!!" was his last shout before the image went blank.
As soon as the image faded, the all too familiar lights and buzzers went off.
"I was hoping I'd never have t' say this again…" Squall began. "But, we got fanfic
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNNN!!!!!!!…"

(7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… *beep*)
(The boys enter the theater and take their seats.)

>Davis: Here comes another round of blinking, giggling and farting!
>Ken: …
>Squall: (Deadpan) Oh, goodie…

Tai and Izzy took the place of Foxi and Cuno, the former now wearing his goggles on his
head.

>Ken: Tai collapses as the oxygen ceases to reach his brain.

"Look, I have no idea who you two are or what you mean by 'inside a movie,'

>Davis: (Tai) Or why I'm, "inside" of Foximon.
>Ken: Must I give you a taste of what I gave Squall?
>Davis: (Shakes his head nervously)

but we've got some serious problems here.

>Davis: (Tai) The fairies are everywhere and we're running out of brownies!

Gennai says this Digimon or virus or whatever is one tough customer, and Agumon and
Tentomon are getting ready to enter the Internet to fight him."

>Squall: (Tai) He's so tough I have t' speak of him in run-on sentences!

For Jenn, this was déjà vu.

>Ken: The conversation just kept going in horrible circles.

She remembered Matt telling her about the battle with Diaboromon a long time ago.

>Squall: In a galaxy far, far away…

But he certainly didn't mention Foximon and Cuno joining the battle!

>Squall: Cuno joined the battle to find his missing "mon."

They couldn't be talking to the Tai and Izzy of the past; the two boys would have
recognized the girls on the screen.

>Ken: And why would that be?
>Davis: Turns out everyone met in an alley behind a sleazy club.
>Squall: The "ally" introduced them!

Her mind came up with the same solution as Lexx's had:

>All: FAIRIES!!!

they must have made contact with some alternate world.

>All: Or that…

As Jenn was thinking,

>Ken: Her head exploded…

Izzy explained to Lexx that Agumon and Tentomon wouldn't be online immediately.

>Ken: Because he had a 56K AC-Link Voice Modem.
>Squall: Piece of crap…

Tai left to make some phone calls,

>Ken: Prank calls…
>Squall: (Tai) Isabel Ringing here?
>Ken: (Tai) Al Coholic in?
>Davis: (Tai) Anita Cunt here?

trying to get a hold of the six other Digi-Destined.

>Ken: By dialing "1-800-Hyphens"

"Am I correct in assuming that you, too, are Digi-Destined?"

>Squall: (Lexx) No, we're Digidestined. There's a difference…

asked the redhead. "I base my hypothesis on the fact that these two Digimon seem to
know you."
"Of course they are!" Cunomon snorted

>Davis: Crack.

impatiently. "I'm Cunomon, this is Foximon, and that's Lexx and Jenn.

>Squall: (Sarcastically) Oh, sure! Now everything's much clearer!

I already explained that!" He glared at the boy sitting next to him. "I think our Izzy
catches on a lot faster."

>Davis: (Cunomon) Maybe slipping him some brownies was a bad idea…

He blinked.

>Ken: Blinking, in this fic, it's just as important as breathing or having your heartbeat.

"Your Izzy?"

>Squall: Yes, Izzy! Turns out your parents didn't want you after all and sold you into
slavery.
>Ken: The great Izzy Izumi forced to be the slave of an idiotic brownie-munching
dragon? Talk about bitter irony.

Lexx sighed. "Never mind him, he's an idiot.

>Ken: You just figure that out?

Yes, we're Digi-Destined."

>Squall: (Lexx) See my crest of hyphens?

Jenn held up her digi-vice as proof.

>Davis: The new "D-Hyphen."

He was back on track at that.

>Squall: (Izzy with blonde hair) Duh… come again?

"Good, then you can use your digi-vices to send these two to help Agumon and
Tentomon . . .

>Ken: Help them, of course, by throwing hyphens, dots and brownies at the enemy.

or, you could if you have a Digimon Analyzer."

>Squall: (Lexx) I have a Poké-Dex. Will that work?

He was interested in knowing just what these new Digi-Destined had, and what their
experiences were. Did they witness the battle between Greymon and Parrotmon as well?

>Squall: Actually, they saw Blinkimon fight Gigglesmon and that's how they wound up
with Foxi and Cuno as partners.

The black-haired girl's shoulders slumped. "No such luck," she muttered. Then her eyes
brightened.

>Davis: She's on crack!
>Squall: No, no. They only do brownies.

"Wait, I've just thought of something!"

>Squall: And we all know that can't mean anything good.

Her fingers flew over the keyboard.

>Ken: Into the screen and she was electrocuted… the end.

"What are you doing?" Jenn asked.

>Squall: A question I've often asked myself while reading this fic.
>Davis: Actually, we've been asking "what the F$%& are you doing!?!"

"Well, you see, Cuno and I were never regular Digi-Destined;

>Squall: (Lexx) That's why I use a hyphen every time I say it.

we were kinda just temps.

>Squall: Guess there's an agency where you can hire Digidestined for the day.
>Davis: I'd like to hire a temp with blond hair and big boobs!
>Ken: Lawsuit city. Population: You!

So when we left Digiworld I had to give my Crest and digi-vice back to Unimon.

>Squall: (Lexx) I had to give the hyphens back, too.

That was four years ago, but recently I received an e-mail from some strange guy.

>All: Oikawa!!!

I opened it

>Squall: (Lexx) 'Cause opening weird e-mails from strangers is always a good idea…

and this-"

>Squall: Ugh! Insert hyphen joke here.
>Davis: You're gettin' lazy, dude.

Lexx finally found the folder she had been searching for and pointed to it with a flourish.

>Ken: Typically on a computer you point to things with an arrow.
>Squall: Gettin' a little too nit-picky there, Ken

"-was attached!"

>Ken: (Lexx) Excellent! A hyphen! I shall use it everywhere! Even places where it
doesn't actually go!

Her friend leaned forward to read the title.

>Squall: (Jennifer) Hmm… "Get Bent." Strange?

"Digi.vce?

>Squall: The new D-Period!
>Davis: Too bad it only works once a month.

I don't get it. What kind of program is a .vce file?"

>Ken: Bill Gates's "Vicious Child Experiment" file?

"When I clicked on it,

>Davis: (Lexx) I got a LOT of hentai.

a D3 came out of the computer. See?" She reached into her purple vest and withdrew her
D3. It was light lavender in color.

>Davis: With a big triangle on the top.

Izzy's face registered interest in the little window on the screen.

>Davis: (Izzy stuck on stupid) Ooooo! The colors…

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

>Ken: Her D-3, which is the only thing that deserves a hyphen that did not get one.

"Another kind of digi-vice,"

>Squall: (Lexx) Which is another way to say "digivice"!

Lexx explained. "But the file was still there after I had my D3, so I kept it in a folder.

>Davis: (Lexx) And I shoved the folder up my ass!

I never tried clicking on it again, but I've often wondered what would happen. Maybe
it'll help us now!"

>Squall: Maybe it'll exploded, kill everyone and end this story…
>Ken: One can only hope…

Jenn shrugged. "Well, it can't hurt."

>Ken: (Crossing his fingers) Please hurt! Please hurt! Please hurt!

"Actually, I've kinda been afraid it might. That's why I haven't tried it before now."
Lexx gave a nervous grin.

>Ken: And Jenn's heart nervously melted.

Cuno was back in the window of the computer room in the movie.

>All: Huh? (They reread the previous sentence) Ow!

"No time like right now to find out!" he told her with a brave grin. "Go for it!"
Foximon's voice chimed in from the background, saying the same thing.

>Ken: By saying something completely different.

"All right. Hold your digi-vice up to the screen, Jenn."

>Squall: (Lexx) I'll use the backspace key to remove the hyphen.

When both devices were ready Lexx took a breath, held it,

>Ken: Choked and died…

and then clicked the button.

>Squall: Unfortunately it was one of the buttons on her shirt.

Bright light exploded from both screens,

>Ken: Setting everyone aflame…

causing all three children to shield their eyes.

>Squall: And the epilepsy begins!

It faded in an instant, and as the two girls blinked stars from their eyes

>Squall: (Blinking Lexx with blond hair) Like, I'm seeing stars and some junk!
>Davis: (Blinking Jennifer with blond hair) Jennifer Lopez! Keanu Reeves! P-Diddy!
Tom Cruise! Carson Daily!

the sound of running footsteps came through the speakers.

>Davis: Run! Run! Run! Trip! Trip! Fall! Explode!!

Tai plopped down beside Izzy.

>Ken: And exploded on impact…

"Hey, where'd those two Digimon go?"

>Squall: (Izzy) Up my ass and around the corner!

"Foxi's gone!?" yelped Jenn, leaning forward.

>Squall: Falling over-
>Davis: Hitting the ground-
>Ken: Dying on impact…

Izzy waved his hand dismissively.

>Squall: (Ghetto Izzy) Talk to the palm 'cuz you ain't da bomb!

"Don't worry. They're right here on the screen, next to Agumon and Tentomon.

>Squall: (Izzy) In the recycling bin.

I don't know how, but it worked! All four Digimon are now on the Internet!"

>Squall: (Gomamon) If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
>Ken: At least, that's what everyone seems to be thinking.

Jenn and Lexx

>Ken: Died?

cheered.

>Ken: Damn…
>Squall: C'mon, guys. Lets take a quick brake.
>Davis: I hear y'! I could use one!
>(They exit the theater.)

(1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… *beep*)

The three boys exited the theater to find Diamon and Wormmon lounging about rather
than running the satellite, as they should've been.
"Shouldn't you guys be running the satellite or something?" Squall asked.
"Actually, the satellite pretty much runs itself. We just have t' keep an eye on it every
now and then," Diamon explained. Suddenly, an explosion rocked the satellite as a soot-
covered Veemon raced in, short of breath. "What the hell happened??" Diamon shouted
more than asked.
Veemon caught his breath before answering. "Well, the toilet was kindda backed up so I
just kept flushing and flushing and I kindda drained all of the coolant out of the reactor
core."
Everyone else sweat dropped and fell over.
"Great! Now we gotta fix that thing before it overloads and we all get blown to Hell!!"
the goggle and baseball cap clad boy yelled before turning to Ken. "Ken! Do you know
how to repair an antimatter fusion reactor core?"
"Oddly enough, I do," he answered.
"I am not surprised," Davis commented.
"Well, get on it before we all get blown up!" Squall shouted.
Ken quickly complied and exited the room.
Diamon suddenly noticed a flashing yellow light on the control panel. "Umm, Squall,
either we're getting a call or that little light means 'check engine'," he said, directing
everyone's attention to it. Squall pushed the button and an image of Seph appeared on the
main monitor.
"'Sup, guys!" said the boy with the long silver hair.
"'Sup Seph…" everyone in the room said in a not very enthusiastic fashion.
"Anyway, just called to tell y' something. See, the big guy got his hands on these little
critters called Nanomon a while back and sent them up to the satellite about a month
before we kidnapped you three."
"How many are there?" Davis asked.
"Well, let me think." Seph rested a hand on his chin and thought hard. "He sent two up
there, so now there must be about a few billion of them."
"Holy hell!! They multiply faster than rabbits!" Davis shouted in amazement. "Where
have I heard that before?" he said a moment later.
"Wait! How can there be billions of them? We've been all over this satellite and we
haven't even seen one of them yet! And what the hell do they do, anyway?" Squall asked.
"Ah! That's the beauty of them," Seph explained. "See, Nanomon are microscopic little
Digimon who are designed to constantly make copies of themselves at an alarming rate.
And they can all work together to fix minor and sometimes even major problems with the
satellite."
"What perfect timing!" Squall beamed. "How do we tell them what to do?"
"Just use that thing." Seph pointed to a space just above Squall's head.
The boy looked up to see a periscope like device he hadn't noticed before. As Seph's
image vanished from the screen, Squall pulled the periscope down and looked through it.
He saw an extreme close-up of some unknown area of the ship with a tiny robotic looking
Digimon standing there. Finding a microphone on the periscope, Squall began to talk
through it.
"Hello down there!" he greeted kindly.
"Hi, Mac! What can I do y' for?" it replied in a strangely New York sounding accent.
"Yeah, see, our reactor core is about to blow 'cause all the coolant's been drained from it.
We got one of our boys down there fixing it now, but we were wondering if you guys
could head on over there and give him a hand."
"Is it a Union job?" said the Nanomon.
"Hell no!" Squall replied.
"Damn it! Well, we'll let this one slide but from now on we want contracts! Anything
else?"
"Well, there is one thing," Squall began. "See, we're kindda being held prisoner on a
satellite in space and we were wondering if you guys could cut control from our captors
and hand it over to us."
"Sure Mac! Just sign on the dotted line."
Squall pulled away from the periscope and looked down on the desk beside him to find a
piece of paper with a pen. He picked up the pen and put down his John Hancock before
turning back to the periscope.
"I signed it like you said," he said.
"Good. I'll send the boys to help with the reactor, and the teamsters 'ill get on switching
control of this baby to you when they friggin' feel like it, HA!" and with that the
Nanomon scurried away.
"Awe man," Squall said with disappointment.
Suddenly, lights and buzzers flashed and sounded throughout the satellite. Squall turned
to the Digimon as he said "Uh-oh! We got fanfic SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNNN!!!!!!! You guys
better get into the theater. We can't go without Ken and it would probably be better for
all of us if I stayed here and tried to reason with the Nanomon."
"Yeah, right! You just wanna get out of having to read the fic!" Diamon said accusingly.
"Actually, you don't have t' worry about that!" said Seph as his image suddenly
reappeared on the screen. "See, during the week while we were fixing the projector, the
boss had the Nanomon screw with you digivicess."
"He didn't turn them into digi-vicess, did he?" Squall asked.
"No, no!" Seph defended. "What he did was he made it so that even when the Digimon
are in the theater, you guys will still feel the torment and vice versa. That way, the
experiment won't get screwed up."
"Goodie…" they all said at once with incredibly low enthusiasm.
"So anyways, GET YOUR ASSES INTO THE THEATER!!!" Seph shouted as his image
vanished.
The three Digimon stood up and quickly entered the theater.

(7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… *beep*)
(The three Digimon take the seats previously occupied by their human partners.)

>Veemon: Once more into the breach, right guys?
>Wormmon: …
>Veemon: Right guys??
>Diamon: This sucks…

* * *

>Diamon: And somewhere in the world, Pegasusmon attacks…

"Does this information superhighway have a restroom? I've got to go potty!"

>Wormmon: I will assume that Tentomon said that.

Tentomon complained, zooming down a long corridor of bright colors.

>Veemon: (Tentomon stuck on stupid) Ooooo! The colors…

The orange dino

>Diamon: 'Dino?' I love the Flintstones™!!

zooming right along beside him answered impatiently, "You should have gone before we
left. Just hold it!"

>Diamon: (Deadpan) Wow… it's like that was ripped that right from the actual movie or
something…

They were joined by a third voice.

>Veemon: (Third voice) Hi guys!
>Diamon: (Other voices) Get lost, dude! Cunomon's head is too crowded as it is!!

"Never fear boys, help has arrived!"

>All: (Deadpan) Yay…

Another corridor appeared right beside theirs. Flying down it were two other Digimon,
Agumon and Tentomon noticed with some surprise.

>Diamon: Because it was Third-Voice-mon!! A Digimon born from one of the voices in
Cunomon's head!
>Wormmon: I've heard lamer origin stories…

Shock was more like it.

>Diamon: Or was it lust?

"What are Cunomon and Foximon doing here?"

>Diamon: (Chuckling) Blinking and giggling, most likely.

cried Tentomon. He had never met them before

>Wormmon: Join the club…

(this Tentomon hadn't, anyway)

>Veemon: I don't wanna meet the Tentomon who has…

but Digimon had a habit of recognizing one another easily.

>Wormmon: 'Cause sometimes you just gotta go where everybody knows your name.
>Diamon: (Condescendingly) Digiworld, Cheers, same difference!

"What's it look like?" the dragon Digimon shot back, grinning wildly.

>Diamon: (Cunomon) I'm melting your hearts, duh!

"Check it out, Foxi! I'm flying! Whoo!"

>All: (Deadpan) Whoopee…

"Do you work for Keramon?" demanded Agumon.

>Diamon: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY!!!!!
>Veemon: (Pleading) Fanfic! Please stop going in horrible circles!

"Don't be silly, Agumon.

>Diamon: (Foximon) That would just be silly (blink-blink fart-fart).

We're here to help you!"

>Veemon: (Foximon) Wanna brownie?
>Wormmon: Not a good idea when one is about to fight Keramon.

insisted Foximon. The four Digimon flew down the corridor abreast,

>Veemon: I prefer "a boob."
>Diamon: You and me both, buddy.

and suddenly a line of windows appeared above them.

>Wormmon: Just as long as it isn't a line of Macs.

Tai's face appeared.

>Diamon: And everyone went blind…

"You're gonna need a password!"

>Veemon: Does this count? (Flips off the screen)

His face was replaced with Izzy's.

>Wormmon: 'Izzy's' what?
>Veemon: Izzy's… hentai?
>Diamon: Probably…

"You can use mine to get on the Internet. Prodigious!"

>Diamon: (Bitter sarcasm) Didn't see that one comin'…

"Prodigious!"

>Diamon: Y' know, if you rearrange the letters in "prodigious" y' get "door I pig us".
>Wormmon: What does that mean?
>Diamon: Nothing. I just thought it sounded cool.

the four Digimon shouted as the corridor opened up into a huge white world, colorful
wheels spinning on the walls.

>Diamon: What're they doing in Robin William's house?

"They're in!" gasped Jenn's voice.

>Veemon: (Jenn) Is it in?
>Diamon: (Snickering) Stop it, Veemon!

"So this is the Internet," murmured Agumon.

>Diamon: (Agumon) This sucks…

"They could use new wallpaper."

>Veemon: (Agumon) Hentai from around the world just isn't working…

Cunomon did a loop-de-loop, laughing. "Who needs wings in a place like this? Wheee!"

>Diamon: Cuno de-aged quite a bit, didn't he?

The other three Rookies gave him dirty looks.

>Veemon: If they're dirty, why don't they just wash 'em? Lazy bums…

Chuckling, he stopped goofing off.

>Diamon: (Cunomon as Goofy) Duh…Uh-Hyuck!

They were here for a reason, after all.

>Diamon: To find the much needed brownies!

Lexx's voice echoed quietly in the vast world.

>Diamon: As she shrieked at the top of her lungs!

"There he is."

>Wormmon: (Lexx) I found Waldo!
>Diamon: (Jennifer) I thought we were looking for Keramon?
>Wormmon: (Lexx) Oh yeah…

Indeed, far below was a small gray shape. A string of data trailed into his mouth and he
sucked it up like a long strand of spaghetti.

>Diamon: (Singing) On top of spaghetti! All covered with data…

"He doesn't know we're here yet," whispered Tentomon.

>Diamon: (Keramon) White walls, colorful spinning wheels, four rookies, Myotismon,
those pimps from the street outside of Lexx's house, Waldo, more colorful wheels…
nope! Nothing unusual!

"Let's sneak up on him quietly," agreed Agumon.

>Wormmon: But where is the fun in that?

"Quietly is for wimps," snorted Cunomon.

>Diamon: (Cunomon) 'Cuz only dorks and wussies think things out strategically before
acting!

"Rolling

>Diamon: Stones?

Spines!"

>Diamon: Oh…

The Digimon suddenly became a round blue blur, shooting down from the "sky"

>Diamon: 'Cause he was up in the "air…"
>Veemon: The thing we all "breathe…"
>Wormmon: This joke really "sucks…"

like a launched yo-yo. Only this one didn't have a string attached to yank him back up
and away from danger.

>Wormmon: He did, however, have a bowtie you can strangle him with.

Foximon's eyes widened.

>Diamon: The new batch of brownies just kicked in.

"Cuno, no!" She lunged for him, missed,

>Wormmon: Died?

then plummeted after him.

>Wormmon: Damn…

Agumon sighed. "So much for quietly."

>Diamon: So much for saving the dying plot…

"Huh?"

>Veemon: Duh…?

Keramon dropped the data stream and looked up, spotting the twirling ball of spikes that
was Cunomon just in time to sidestep the attacking Digimon.

>Diamon: It's like I always say: Diaboromon is the only smart villain in all of Digimon.

His round green eyes followed with interest as Cunomon shot past him and continued
downward.

>Wormmon: Slamming into a wall and breaking his neck… the end.

Which was why he missed Foximon's attack entirely.

>Diamon: I take it back! He's not that bright!

"Hurricane Blaster!" The powerful blast of air slammed into Keramon, stunning him.

>Veemon: My question is, "which end did it come from?"

As Foximon sailed clear Tentomon let loose with a Super Shocker,

>Veemon: He just pulled out a tazer and zapped the crap outta him.

engulfing the evil virus in blue electricity.

>Diamon: Which is orange on the show but blue in the movie for some reason.

Agumon followed that with a couple of Pepper Breaths.

>Veemon: That was actually mace!
>Diamon: This isn't a Digimon fight; it's a mugging!

Below, Foximon had caught up with Cuno, who had managed to untangle himself and
slow down. "See that, Foxi? We got him!" he shouted triumphantly.
The smoke cleared. Keramon, whole and unhurt, turned to glance up at the two Digimon
above him. He had a big grin on his face.

>Wormmon: Everyone's trying to melt someone else's heart in this story.

* * *

>Veemon: I'd have that third eye removed if I were you.

Tai growled

>Diamon: (Tai) Uh… grr?

in frustration as the screen showed the results of the battle.

>Diamon: (Digimon World game message) Game Over…
>Veemon: (Tai) Damn! And I'm outta quarters!

"That should have worked, but it didn't!

>Veemon: (Tai) Damn you, Waldo!!

Hey, Keramon's sending us an e-mail!

>Diamon: (Tai) HOLY CRAP!!! IT'S SPAM!!!!!!

It says, 'So, you like to play games, huh?'"

>Wormmon: (Keramon) 'Cause I have a copy of Diablo II.

"We've got the same one!" Lexx replied tensely.

>Diamon: (Lexx) Well, actually, ours says, "So, you like to write bad fanfiction, huh?"

* * *

>Diamon: It's a star struck Cyclops!

Cunomon and Foximon flew upward to regroup with Agumon and Tentomon.

>Veemon: For the mass orgy!
>Diamon: (Rolling his eyes) Oh please…

More windows popped up as Tai reported Keramon's note.

>Veemon: Hey! If Tai played Keramon's e-mail backwards, do y' think he'd get evil
messages?

"I've got a bad feeling about this, Agumon," the brown-haired boy added.

>Diamon: (Tai) No wait, it was just gas.

"You'd better digi-volve, all of you! Now!" insisted Izzy.

>Veemon: (Izzy) And when you're done with that you better digivolve!

"He's right! Go for it, Foximon!" shouted Jenn, her fist clenched.

>Wormmon: Around Tai's neck for some reason.

"Mop the floor with him," Lexx snarled, caught up in the battle.

>Diamon: Cunomon digivolve to… Janitormon!

"Agumon digi-volve to. . . ."

>All: SkullGreymon!! SkullGreymon!! SkullGreymon!!

"Tentomon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Diamon: (Shrugs) What the Hell?
>All: SkullGreymon!! SkullGreymon!! SkullGreymon!!

"Foximon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Veemon: Ultra-fart-and-giggle-mon!!

"Cunomon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Wormmon: Mega-brownie-mon!!
>Diamon: Or maybe just, Arti-Cunomon! Get it?
>Wormmon and Veemon: …

"Greymon!"

>Wormmon: Skull Greymon?
>Diamon: Nope, just Greymon.
>Wormmon: Damn it…

"Kabuterimon!"

>Diamon: Unfortunately, Keramon was equipped with a can of Raid™.

"Glorymon!"

>Wormmon: What a shame…

"Sartomon!"

>Diamon Which backwards is "Nomotras".
>Wormmon: That doesn't mean anything!
>Diamon: Well, if you say it phonetically it kindda sounds like "No martyrs".
>Veemon: Wow! You really do get evil messages when you play stuff backwards!

* * *

>All: (Singing) Good morning Star shine! The Earth says hello! You twinkle above us!
We twinkle below!

All over the world, children of every nation

>Diamon: (Singing) Jesus loves the little children! All the children of the world!!

watched in amazement as the four new Champions entered the scene.

>Wormmon: They saw Cunomon and rightly clawed their eyes out.
>Diamon: I'm gonna say "ouch" for Cuno…

* * *

>Veemon: Kiss my asterisks!!

"Go get him, Glorymon!" shouted Jennifer.

>Wormmon: (Jennifer) I'll sit here and contemplate life safely from the real world while
you do all of the dangerous work so I can get all the credit.

"Trash that bug!" added Tai from the other end of the screen.

>Diamon: Greymon! Kills bugs… dead!

The Champions lunged forward and showered their enemy with a series of attacks.

>Diamon: They just threw a lot of brownies and misplaced hyphens at him.

"Nova Blast!"

>Diamon: (Sarcastically) Oh sure, that'll work!

"Electro Shoker!

>Wormmon: (Kabuterimon) I'll throw the "c" at you, later!

"Raging Cyclone!"

>Diamon: She just pulled out a big vacuum cleaner and started tidying up the place.

"Star Shooter!"

>Veemon: When did Pegasusmon join the fight?

Each attack covered the little virus in a cloud of smoke.

>Veemon: He inhaled the smoke and got a major high!
>Diamon: (Keramon stoned) I'm so F$&%ed up right now…

"I think they got him!" announced Jenn.

>Diamon: Well, you got 'em stoned. Will that work?

"You guys make this stuff look easy," added Tai.

>Wormmon: While our authors made this story seem very stupid…

But just as the smoke cleared away, there stood

>Diamon: Waldo?

Keramon,

>Diamon: Oh…

still unharmed.

>Diamon: Except for the fact that he now had lung cancer.
>Veemon: Wow! Second hand smoke is deadly!

"Not even a dent," stated Lexx, eyes wide open at the screen.

>Diamon: Eyes wide shut!

"Uh oh," added Jenn, pointing to the screen.

>Wormmon: (Jennifer) We missed a place to misplace a hyphen.

Lexx sighed, "What is it now?"

>Diamon: (Lexx) Can't you see my eyes are wide open at the screen?

"He's digi-volving again!" gasped Izzy.

>Diamon: (Izzy) And even worse, he's digivolving!

* * *

>Wormmon: It's three crests of light lined up in a row!

"Keramon digi-volve to . . . Infermon!"

>Veemon: (Infermon) The power of the misplaced hyphens has made me invincible!!
MUWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

"Infermon?" Sartomon sneered.

>Diamon: (Sartomon) Got any brownies?

* * *

>Diamon: Scenes… changing too fast… can't keep up… gonna faint… (Passes out)

"He's at the Champion level now, just like our Digimon!" said Izzy.

>(Diamon wakes up)
>Diamon: (Izzy) And he doesn't even need brownies for power!

Tai continued to look on in amazement.

>Veemon: (Tai stuck on stupid) Ooooo! The colors…

Jennifer and Lexx were just as shocked.

>Diamon: Damn, Kabuterimon! Quit shooting "Electro Shocker" at them!

At that exact moment, Infermon sprung.

>Veemon: He had a good look at Glorymon!

The spider-like virus Digimon leaped from place to place, outrunning the four Champion
Digimon.

>Diamon: It's not really that difficult to out run four stoned morons.

"He's stronger than a Champion!" said Greymon.

>Wormmon: No, he's just not stoned is what he is!

With this new information, Izzy quickly began yet another one of his theories.

>Diamon: Get comfy, guys. Here it comes…

"I've got it figured out now!"

>Wormmon: (Sarcasm) Really? I thought Tai would be the one to figure it out.

he shouted. "He's bypassed the Champion level and went straight to Ultimate!" Jennifer
and Lexxy were listening to Izzy's theory as well.

>Diamon and Veemon: (Jennifer and Lexx) …zzzzzzzZZZZ…

"Then that means that our Digimon aren't strong enough," said Lexx.

>Diamon: (Izzy) No sh*t, Sherlock!

Tai and Jennifer chimed in. "Then they're just going to have to digi-volve again!" the two
of them commanded together.

>Veemon: Cool! I never knew Tai and Jennifer had a telepathic understanding!
>Wormmon and Diamon: (Jennifer and Tai chiming in together) Right after they
digivolve!

Tai blinked.

>Wormmon: Great! Now they've got him doing it!

"Hey, how'd you know I was gonna say that?"

>Wormmon: (Tai) I thought Lexx and Cuno were the psychic ones.

Jennifer shrugged. "Um . . . woman's intuition?"

>Diamon: (Jennifer) Um… lousy excuse?

Tai folded his arms. "Riiiight. . . ."

>Diamon: Good idea, Tai! Just smile and nod!
>Wormmon: Hey guys, let's see how Ken and the Nanomon are doing with the reactor.
>Veemon: Good idea, Wormmon!
>(They exit the theater)

(1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… *beep*)

"So how'd it go, Squall?" Diamon asked his partner.
"Bad. They still say they'll get around to it when they damn well feel like it," he
explained.
"Oh well. Anyway, how's the reactor?" Veemon asked.
Then, as if on cue, Ken walked into the room covered in grease and oil.
"Did y' fix the reactor?" Squall asked him.
"Yes indeed. The Nanomon and I have it functioning again," the blue haired boy
confirmed.
"That's good," Davis said from the nearby couch.
"Hey Squall, I just thought of something," said Diamon, turning to his Digidestined.
"What's up, Dia?" Squall said, calling his Digimon by his nickname.
"All those dots and misplace hyphens, I think they're some kind of Morse code," Diamon
hypothesized.
"Really? That sounds like an interesting idea," Squall said.
"Yup! So the guys and me were talking and we thought that maybe we should figure that
out while you guys are in there reading the fic." The rabbit/opossum like Digimon
smiled.
"I should have known there was a catch," commented Ken.
"Oh, c'mon guys! It won't be that bad if we stick together!' said Squall. "Remember,
we're a team. All of us, the Digimon included. If we work together we can beat this! I
think this is the best way to do it. Switching back and forth from us to the Digimon and
vice versa. If we just keep double teaming the bad fanfiction, we can beat it!"
"Squall's right! This is the best way to do it! It ain't no biggie, it's just some crappy
stories. We can lick it, no problem!" Davis voiced his agreement.
Ken smiled. "Well, I can't argue with that kind of optimism," he said. "I'm ready! Let's
do this!"
And that's when the lights and buzzers went off.
"We better be!" Squall began. "'Cause ready or not, we got fanfic
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNNN!!!!!!!..."
The boys raced into the theater.

(7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… *beep*)
(The boys take their seats)

>Squall: Here we go, guys! Hold it together!

* * *

>Ken: Ready… aim… fire!

"Greymon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Davis: Here it comes! SkullGreymon!!!

"Kabuterimon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Squall: A big cockroach with the power to blow up a planet!

"Glorymon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Davis: Kindda-okay-mon?

"Sartomon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Squall: Umm, Waldomon?

"Not so fast," said Infermon, getting into position.

>Davis: (Makes a "running away, getting in a car and driving away then getting in a
plane and taking off" sound)

"Come on, faster!" cried Lexx,

>Davis: (Lexx) Faster! Faster! YES!!!
>Squall: (Deadpan) Fun…

popping up in another window. Something was slowing down the digi-volving process!

>Squall: It was that needlessly lengthy digivolving animation.

"Why are they digi-volving so slowly?" asked Jenn.

>Squall: (Jennifer) Could it have something to do with all these misplaced hyphens?

Foximon's ability to digi-volve was never very stable,

>Squall: Maybe she should try digivolving instead?

but this was ridiculous.

>Ken: The fanfic? Yes it is!

"Spider

>Squall: Man?

Shooter!"

>Squall: Oh…

Infermon blasted them with an attack. Unfortunately, the four Champions we still in the
process of digi-volving.

>Davis: And getting rid of those needless hyphens.

The kids watched as their Digimon were hit, one by one.
"Kabuterimon!" cried Izzy.

>Squall: (Izzy) You suck!

"Greymon, no!"

>Ken: (Tai) I wanted SkullGreymon!

"Oh no! Glorymon!"

>Davis: (Jennifer) You've brought shame upon me!

"Sartomon!"

>Squall: (Lexx) …What they said…

Infermon took this opportunity to make his escape.

>Ken: He found a way out of this fanfic?
>Davis: WAIT!! TAKE US WITH YOU!!!

The Champions were now back to their Rookie forms.

>Squall: Infermon bummed out their high…

"Agumon, speak to me!" Tai pleaded.

>Davis: (Agumon) F$%& you!!

"Don't take me out, coach," the Digimon groaned.

>Squall: (Homer Simpson™) Agumon, you're cut! …

"Tentomon, are you okay?"
"I'm fine! Just one question . . . who's Tentomon?"

>Ken: I told you marijuana affected the memory.

Jennifer and Lexx tended to their Digimon as well.

>Ken: Selfish bastards…

"Foximon!"
"Cunomon?"

>Davis: Brownies!

"Man, did anyone get the number of that truck?" he responded.

>Davis: The one that hit me that first fic?
>Squall: Man, that guy's everywhere!

* * *

>Ken: (Singing) Twinkle, Twinkle in the sky. How I wish they all would die…

"This is bad," said Jennifer.
"Very bad," agreed Lexx.

>Squall: (Jennifer) I mean, this fanfic is just bad!

Just then: "Hey, look you guys," Izzy interrupted.

>Davis: (Izzy) Brownies!

"We're getting e-mails from all over the world.

>Squall: (Izzy) They all want some of my hentai!

Here's one from Willis,"

>Ken: (Izzy) It's a death threat addressed to Henry Wong!

he announced, as he began reading the message aloud.

>Squall: (Izzy) Hmm, "Get bent." Odd message to send…

" 'Dear Izzy, I'm sorry. This is all my fault.

>Squall: (Willis) I wrote this horrible fic…

Find a way to slow him down.'"

>Ken: Ritalin… duh!
>Squall: He means Infermon, not Cunomon.
>Ken: Oh…

"What does he mean, his fault?"

>Ken: (Tai) Jennifer and Lexx wrote this crap they're passing off as fanfiction.

asked a very aggravated Tai. But before Izzy could answer. . . .

>Ken: They started receiving a message in Morse code.

"Infermon is sending us an e-mail," announced Izzy as he opened the file.

>Davis: (Tai) It says, "So you like to eat brownies, huh?"

"Why is he saying 'Hello!' over and over again?"

>Squall: Because saying "Goodbye" over and over again would just be silly…

Lexx joined in on the conversation. "Look at the address you guys!"

>Squall: You mean those long strings of at signs that are always in Diaboromon's e-
mails?
>Ken: What would happen if you actually typed that into an address bar and looked it up?
>Davis: Umm… Spam?
>Squall: Somehow… I doubt it…

Izzy gasped.

>Davis: (Izzy) Spam!!
>Squall: Guess you were right…

"The phone compnay!"

>Davis: Huh? "Compnay?" Must be some kindda French word…

Sweat dripped down the boy's forehead.

>Ken: He got winded using a computer?
>Squall: Izzy never was a very athletic guy…

"He's taking over all the phone lines. We'll loose our connection to the Internet!"

>Squall: (Izzy) My precious hentai!!

"Then we're done for," said Lexx.

>Squall: See, this is why you get DSL.

"Wait just one minute here!

>Squall: (Jennifer) This whole adventure makes absolutely no sense!
>Ken: (Lexx) That just hit y'?

Come on Lexx, what are we worrying about? It's just a movie, remember? We already
know that we'll win," said Jennifer.

>Davis: (Sarcastically) Thanks for blowing the ending for us!
>Ken: If they're already going to win, then why does the story continue? Please end now.

"I have a question.

>Squall: Please hold all questions until the end of class.

If this is 'just a movie,' was this in the script?"

>Squall: Actually, in the director's cut, everyone dies within the first three paragraphs.
>Ken: I wish we could have read that version.

asked Tai, just as confused as ever.

>Squall: Well, Tai seems to be in character.

"Look around you, Jenn!" snapped Lexx.

>Ken: Snapped her neck, that is…

"Does this look like make-believe to you?"

>Davis: (Jennifer) There are lots of fairies flying around, does that count?

Jennifer sighed. "I'm sorry Lexx, you're right."

>Squall: (Jennifer) This does suck…

Immediately feeling bad about snapping,

>Ken: Jennifer's neck…

Lexx touched her friend's

>Davis: Yes!

shoulder.

>Davis: Oh…

"I didn't mean it like that.

>Davis: (Lexx) I meant it more like "F$%& you!"

Actually, in theory, it should all work out. The thing is, since we're here, we've messed
up the timeline. Our presence might change the outcome of this whole thing!"

>(Davis seizures, Squall passes out and Ken actually comprehends what has just been
said)

She sighed too. "I'd suggest pulling Cuno and Foxi out of there, but we've already
influenced things."

>Squall: Just use the backspace key to erase any mentioning of them, duh!

"Look," shot Tai,

>Squall: Someone shot Tai?
>Ken: He took the easy way out…

annoyance in his voice.

>Davis: (Tai) It's really annoying being shot, y' know!

"If it's just a movie for you, that's all fine and swell.

>Davis: (Tai) But jimmakie-jillickers, Batman!

But this is real life over here, and we need all the help we can get!"

>Davis: (Tai singing) Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know
I need someone! HEEEEEEEEEELLP!
>Squall: (Smacks Davis)
>Davis: Ow!
>Squall: NEVER quote The Beatles in my presence!

"I know, I know," Lexx returned.

>Davis: (Lexx with blond hair) Duh… come again?

"We have to stay and make sure this all works out!"

>Ken: (Sarcasm) Yes. For our "benefit."

Izzy had that familiar thinking expression on his face.

>Squall: The one that says, "Get comfy. You're gonna be here a while."

"It's possible we're on the same timeline, and you two are from our future. However,
based on the facts I've gathered since Cunomon and Foximon showed up in Tai's
bedroom, I'm betting we exist on totally separate worlds. Parallel dimensions, maybe."

>Squall: Thank you, Izzy. Now excuse me while my head explodes like one of
Gallagher's watermelons.
>Davis: Lucky thing I brought this plastic rain cover!

Lexx grinned. "That was exactly my idea too!" she exclaimed.

>Ken: Someone, please, shoot them both…

"Oooooo,

>Davis: (Jennifer) The colors…

Lexx. Looks like-"

>Squall: (Jennifer) A hyphen! WEE!!

Lexx elbowed Jenn.

>Ken: And another trouble youth turns to violence to solve her problems.

"Don't even say it," she snorted.

>Davis: Crack…
>Squall: No, no! Brownies, remember?

Tai held up the cordless phone to the screen.

>Davis: (Tai) Here's a phone! Call someone who cares…

"Bad news guys," he reported, sounding desperate.

>Squall: (Tai) It's official, this fic sucks…

"The phones are dead.

>Ken: (Tai) I killed them all myself!

All I get is a busy signal . . . and an annoyed operator.

>Davis: (Tai) Who screams, yells and bitches like she's on the rag or something.

Not a single call can get through!"

>Squall: (Tai) Which means no pizza…
>Davis: (Foximon and Cunomon) Aw man…

Just then the phone in his hand rang. Tai looked surprised, then answered. "Hello, this is
Tai."

>Davis: (Tai) Hold on, I'll check. Hey guys, Ivona Tinkle here?
>Squall: Wow! We were just joking about that.

Izzy beside him and the two girls on the computer screen watched as the brown-haired
boy's face slowly transformed into one of fear.

>Squall: (Person on phone) Hello, Mr. Kamiya. Are you happy with your long-distance
carrier?
>Davis: (Tai) HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP FINDING ME!?!?!?!?!

"It's Infermon. . . ." he breathed.

>Squall: (Tai) And he's calling collect…
>Davis: (Izzy) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Izzy stared, but his head whipped around as the laptop beeped. His hands flew over the
keyboard, then froze.

>Davis: (Izzy) HENTAI!!!!!!

"What?" asked Tai.
"Connection . . . terminated."

>Davis: Well, Diaboromon's dead! Let's leave!
>Squall: That wasn't Diaboromon.
>Davis: Damn it…

Izzy was aghast.

>Ken: Not even he can comprehend the sheer awfulness of this story…

"What next?" Tai moaned.

>Davis: I don't know what he's moaning about but I think I'd like to try some!

Jennifer's voice came over the speakers. "What's happening?" she demanded.

>Ken: (Chuckling) You're in no position to demand anything, missy!

Both boys jumped. "You're still here!" Izzy gasped.

>Squall: (Izzy) I'm going to insist on a refund from that hit man!

"Of course," snorted Lexx. "Our computers are connected to each other, not the Internet.
And our side didn't crash. I think Infermon caught on that you were the ones who sent the
Digimon to fight. He can't get us over here."

>(Ken attempts to simplify Lexx and Izzy's explanations to Squall and Davis through the
use of colorful charts and graphs)
>Davis: (Stuck on stupid) Ooooo! The colors…
>Ken: (Sighs) This… could take a while…

"Great! Where are the Digimon?" Tai wanted to know.

>Davis: (Lexx) Up my ass and around the corner!

Lexx's green eyes widened.

>Davis: (Lexx) Need… brownies…

"I don't know! Your computer was the one monitoring them! We were just piggybacking
your signal!"

>Davis: (Lexx) The kindda piggybacking me 'n Cuno do when no one's around!
>Squall: Ugh! Davis…

"Great." Tai groaned again, then fell backward as Izzy suddenly stood up.

>Squall: Sounds like they're playing that Whose Line game where someone always has to
be sitting, standing or bending.

"Hey, where are you going?" he shouted as the redhead bolted for the door.

>Squall: Izzy can't take it anymore and he's making a break for it!
>Davis: TAKE US WITH YOU!!!

"Be back in a nano!"

>Squall: He's coming up to the satellite to get one of our Nanomon?

Izzy called back as the door slammed.

>Davis: (Tai's mom) Were you raised in a barn!? You go back and close that door right,
young man! And furthermore-
>Squall: For the love of God shut up!!

"No one tells me anything anymore,"

>Ken: That's because we all hate you…
>Squall: Yeah, Tai! You suck! MATT RULES!!!
>Davis: I wonder if he's still lying in front of Jennifer's door for no apparent reason?

the goggled boy grumbled.

>Ken: (Looks at Squall and Davis) Which one??

"Well, the phones are dead, we can't get online to help our Digimon. Anyone got any
bright ideas?"

>Ken: I have one. How about you all commit mass suicide?
>Squall: That would be nice…

Jenn's image on the computer screen cocked her head thoughtfully.

>Davis: (Jennifer) Now, how many brownies would I have t' eat to find this fic enjoyable
and would my body be able to survive ingesting that amount?

"Didn't you say a while ago that you were going to get the other Digi-Destined?"

>Squall: (Tai) No, I said I was going to get the other Digidestined. I have no idea what
you're talking about!
>Ken: Actually, he didn't say anything about it.

"No luck." Tai shook his head. "Kari's at a birthday party and refuses to come home,
Joe's in summer school, Matt and T.K.'s grandmother hung up on me, and according to
the postcard my mom gave me Mimi's in Hawaii."

>Ken: In other words, they were all smart enough to stay FAR way from this fic…

He sighed. "We used to be such a team."

>Squall: (Tai) It all started going down hill when Joe started taking steroids and Kari
clubbed Mimi in the kneecaps…

"What about Sora?" Lexx asked.

>Davis: What about Sora? All she's gonna do is bitch like she's everyone's mother.
>Squall: That and lust after Matt.

"Oh . . . Sora? She's . . . uh, kinda not speaking to me."

>Squall: She'd talk to you more often if you brushed your teeth every now and then.

Jenn smirked. "What did you do, Tai?" she drawled.

>Davis: (Tai) Copped a feel.
>Ken: I would not be surprised…

"I didn't do anything! I can't believe she's still mad at me!"

>Squall: (Tai) Okay, so maybe getting her edible panties for her birthday was a bad idea,
but still-

The Digi-Destined leader covered his face with one hand.

>Ken: The shame of being in this fic was too much to bear.

"This whole thing started over a lousy hair clip!"

>Squall: A hair clip!?! Good God, man!! Don't you know that's what started the gulf
was!?
>Ken: I thought it was a dispute over oil prices?
>Squall: Yeah, well, you're probably right. I don't pay that much attention to politics.

Lexx just looked perplexed, but Jenn was obviously trying very hard not to laugh.

>Squall: (Jennifer, deadpan) Ha… ha… please stop… my sides are splitting…

Tai, fed up, stood from the floor.

>Davis: (Tai as Cartman) Screw you guys! I'm going home!
>Squall: He already is home!
>Davis: Well, that was a short trip!

"I'm going to go see how far Diaboromon's destruction reached.

>Squall: Wait a minute! He hasn't evolved into Diaboromon yet! The Digidestined don't
learn that that's what he's called until he actually evolves that far!
>Ken: Just let it go, Squall. Ignore the blatant anachronism and let it go…

Hang tight you guys." He too left the computer room.
On the other side of the connection, Lexx rolled her eyes. "Swell. Now what do we do?"

>Ken: Roll over and die?

"Wait for them to get back, I guess," Jenn sighed, sitting back and rubbing her shoulders.

>Squall: (Jennifer) Damn this Icy-Hot™!

"I'm getting stiff sitting on the floor like this, hunched over

>Davis: Yes!

a laptop."

>Davis: Oh…
>Squall: Maybe you should let the sentence finish before you react?

Just then her stomach gurgled,

>Davis: (Makes farting noise)
>Squall: (Lexx) Good God!! What jumped up your ass and died!? You're worse than
Foximon!!

and she checked her watch.

>Davis: The sports watch she got for sponsoring an Ethiopian child!

"Man, it's already midnight!

>Squall: (Jennifer, childishly) Time me go night-night.
>Davis: (Jennifer, childishly) Mommy! Can I wear the jam-jams with the feets?

All this action is making me hungry."

>Davis: All this action is making me hor-
>Squall: IT'S BLACKWARGREYMON!!!!!
>Davis: Where!?!
>Squall: (To himself) Phew! It worked…

"Too bad there's nothing

>Ken: (Lexx) In your head.

. . . ."

>Davis: (Jennifer) Can we eat these dots?
>Squall: Not unless they're Pac-man.

Lexx's voice trailed off when she realized they were locked in a movie theater.

>Squall: Well maybe if you didn't eat so many damn special brownies you'd have some
long-term memory!

Jenn grinned as she realized the same thing. "Wanna raid the lobby?" she asked.

>Squall: But that would be breaking the seventh commandment. They'd go straight to
Hell…
>Ken: See, that's why we're Buddhist.
>Davis: I'd rather come back as a cockroach then go to Hell.

The two girls left the laptop in the aisle and headed for the doors of the room.

>All: (Singing) Let's all go to the lobby! Let's all go to the lobby! Let's all go to the
lobby!! And steal ourselves some snacks!

"But isn't that kinda stealing?" the black-haired girl couldn't help but ask.

>Squall: Ah! The voice of morality!
>Davis: Yeah. I hate her…

"We're trying to save a world here, Lexx!" insisted Jenn.

>Squall: Saving the world justifies anything, doesn't it?
>Davis: YOU JUST KILLED A BUS FULL OF NUNS!!!
>Ken: I did it so save the world.
>Davis: Oh! Okay then…

She pushed open the doors and hopped behind the counter, pulling open

>Davis: The cash register…
>Ken: They're already breaking and entering, loitering and pilfering goods. Might as well
add petty larceny to the charges…

the popcorn machine. The smell of butter-coated, salty popcorn assaulted both of them.

>Davis: Wow! They got mugged by popcorn!
>Ken: It could only happen to these two…

Scooping the still-warm snack food into two bags,

>Squall: Wow! Their partners had to choke down stale-ass popcorn while they munch on
freshly popped kernels.
>Ken: They're not setting a very good example for their Digimon, are they?

she handed one to Lexx as she continued.

>Davis: "Insert lame excuse here…"

"We deserve sustenance at least. And besides, with all the excitement that happened here
earlier, I doubt anyone is going to notice some missing popcorn."

>Squall: (Condescendingly) Way to rationalize a sinful act, Jenn.
>Davis: Next thing y' know, she'll talk Lexx into stealing a case of beers with some
excuse like "our brains will function better under the influence of the alcohol."

She munched some of the crunchy kernels and leaned against the glass counter.

>Ken: She choked on one of her ill-gotten kernels and died!
>Squall: Now that's what I call "irony." Alanis Morissette, eat your heart out!

Her friend looked surprised, but popped some into her mouth too.

>Ken: And Lexx gives in to peer pressure!

"What excitement?" she asked as she swallowed.

>Davis: (Doofy) Lexx swallows!!!
>Ken and Squall: (Disgusted)
>Ken: Please! The Cunomon part of that was bad enough!

"That's right, you weren't here yet!" Jenn nodded, just remembering now.

>Squall: (Jennifer) Turns out Hell froze over while you were out.

"I heard the ushers talking about it while I was waiting for you. Apparently the last
showing of Digimon: The Movie developed 'technical difficulties.'

>Ken: (Jennifer) People watching it developed blinking and giddiness.
>Squall: That would explain a lot…

There was a boy

>Squall: It's the blonde kid!
>Davis: My favorite character so far!
>Ken: Maybe it was "Just a boy?"
>Squall: "Just a boy?"
>Davis: "Just an ordinary boy?"
>Squall: "Was he looking to the sky?"

looking for his mom in the lobby

>Squall: (Jennifer) He was also there to get himself some snacks!

who told me lightning bolts were shooting everywhere.

>Davis: As the movie theater screen god desperately tried to smite Cunomon and
Foximon.
>Ken: It was a valiant effort but, unfortunately, he failed…

Caused quite a panic.

>Squall: (Jennifer) The lack of brownies, that is…

I'm guessing that's when the portal opened and sucked Cunomon and Foxi into the
movie world.

>Squall: Foxi went along to find her missing 'mon.'

Didn't you notice how the movie theater was closing early? Ten o'clock isn't exactly
normal closing time for a theater."

>Davis: Of course, after then is when they give my favorite movies…
>Ken: Quite…

"I had some other things on my mind,"

>Ken: I find that difficult to believe…

Lexx reminded her. "But if it was so dangerous, like you said, why didn't they call the
police and stuff? Or the news?"

>Squall: Or the Power Puff Girls™?

Jenn shrugged. "I think they're trying to keep it quiet, so they won't get in trouble.

>Davis: The IRS has been on their back for a while now!

I saw them giving refunds and free passes to the people who were in the theater.

>Squall: Paying off the right people… silencing the others… making them an offer they
can't refuse…
>Davis: Movie production does have mob ties!

Then they closed down real quick.

>Squall: Desperately trying to hide the stash.

You and I sneaked in just in time." She finished off her popcorn and tossed the bag in the
garbage can next to the counter.

>Ken: Let me get this straight. They've already got breaking and entering, loitering, petty
larceny, pilfering goods-
>Squall: (Sarcastically) But God forbid they litter!

Lexx did too, then they both returned to the room with the faintly glowing movie screen.
Familiar voices came from the laptop on the floor.

>Davis: The laptop was one of her dearest friends…
>Ken: And considering she has friends like Jennifer, it was also the only one she could
have intelligent conversations with.

"Well, do you know what a semiconductor is?"

>Squall: Those AOL messages just keep getting weirder and weirder…

"A guy who works part-time on a train?"
"Never mind."

>Ken: Well, there goes the authors' pathetic attempt to relate this fic to the actual movie.

"You're back!" cried Jenn,

>Ken: (Jennifer) Damn…

sitting back down in front of the mini computer with Lexx.

>Squall: She sat down on Lexx's lap and Lexx asked her what she wanted for Christmas.
>Davis: I know what I want! (Evil grin)

"So're you!" returned Tai,

>Squall: (Tai) And that would mean something if 'so're' was a real word!

grinning from the window showing the two boys. "And Izzy's gonna hook us back up to
the 'Net!"

>Davis: (Tai) He's got the hook-up, G!
>Squall: (Jennifer) Word…!

"All right!" cheered Lexx. Though she was sure the four Rookies would keep out of the
Ultimate's way, she was still worried and anxious to check in on them.

>Squall: (Lexx) Cuno has had privacy for three minutes!? I MUST PUT S STOP TO
THAT!!!

"It's gonna take a minute," the boy in the orange shirt reported, tapping away on his
keyboard.

>Ken: For some reason he tapped the "6" button three times.

"In the meantime, check the messages to see if anyone called back."

>Squall: Moe Sizlack from the Simpsons called back to yell at them about the prank calls.

"Oh! I forgot!" Tai snatched up the phone once again, and the two girls watched as Tai
and Izzy listened in.

>Davis: (Scream) Do you like scary movies…?
>Ken: (Scream) Do you like bad fanfiction…?

"It's Matt!" Izzy told them.

>Squall: (Matt) Hi guys! I've been lying in front of Jenn's front door!

"I knew somebody on the team would pull through," Tai grinned, punching

>Squall: Izzy…
>Davis: Great! No more brain numbing explanations!

in a number to leave a new message.

>Squall: (AOL voice) You've got mail!

"And what are we, chopped liver?"

>Ken: In a word, yes!

Jenn demanded,

>Ken: I said it before and I will say it again: you're in no position to demand anything,
missy!

but the boys weren't listening.

>Ken: Good plan! Ignore them and maybe they'll go away!

Matt and T.K. must have been waiting by their phone, because another message came
back almost immediately.

>Squall: It was the call to action! To the Bat-mobile!

"Dum dee dum.

>Davis: (Jennifer singing) I'm blue! Duh buh dee, duh buh die! Duh buh deeeeee! Duh
buh die!! Duh buh dee, duh buh die!

Guess we'll just sit here while they play phone tag,"

>Squall: 'Cause playing phone hide-and-go-seek would just be silly!
>Davis: Depends on where they hide it…

muttered the girl.

>Ken: Which one?
>Squall: Yeah! We need names!

"At least we have help to fight Infermon now," Lexx pointed out.

>Davis: Hell! At this point, anyone who doesn't blink, giggle or fart would be a big help
now!
>Ken: In other words, all Mimis and Koromons need not apply.

"Matt and T.K. are searching for

>Davis: Waldo?

a computer,"

>Davis: Oh…

Izzy told them, hanging up the phone. The sound of the computer dialing for the Internet
came on.

>Squall: Izzy has a dialup modem?
>Ken: They're going to be there a while…

"The uplink's working! We're back online!"

>Davis: Izzy's computer suddenly crashed and the hard drive exploded.
>Ken: Killing them all… The End.

Lexx typed furiously, and a window showing the status of the four Digimon popped up
on the screen.

>Squall: Cunomon had confusion, Foximon had paralysis, and all of their H.P. was at
zero.
>Davis: Unfortunately, Lexx had a pocket full of Max-Revives, Phoenix Downs and
Full-Restores.
>Ken: Damn…

"We're back up too!" she exclaimed happily. But her face fell a moment later.

>Squall: Ouch! It just fell clean off for no apparent reason!

The four Digi-Destined Digimon were showing all right, but. . . .

>Squall: They had all turned into dots!
>Davis: And hyphen!

"Hey, where's Infermon?" Jenn asked, hitting the nail on the head.

>Ken: If he was smart, he hopped on a plane and got as far away from this fic as possible.

Izzy started typing. "He's left the phone company," he reported tersely. "He's . . . in
America!"

>Squall: He just wanted to be free…

Lexx blinked.

>Squall: Yes. There's been a lot of that going around, lately…

"America? What the heck is he doing over there?"

>Squall: (Lexx) Is he trying to get a green card?
>Davis: (Lexx) And why the F@%& am I saying, "heck?"

"Taking a tour of the White House?" smirked Jenn.

>Davis: (Tai) That's my line, bitch!

Both girls had originally lived in the United States, and had moved to Japan.

>Ken: Well, not moved so much as being deported…

The thought of a dangerous virus Digimon running around in their hometowns was
unsettling.

>Davis: Then they remembered the popular blond girl who made fun of them and
wouldn't let them join the cheerleader squad so they started praying that Infermon would
blow the place to friggin' Hell!
>Squall: When teeny-bop movies get out of hand…

"We've got another e-mail!" Tai announced.

>Ken: Umm, Tai. You do know that the AOL voice guy can do that for you? You don't
have to do it yourself.

" 'I'm close to him.' Close to who?"

>Squall: Turns out Infermon just really wanted to meet George Lucas.
>Davis: He's hoping he can get the part of the guy who kills Jar Jar in episode three.
>Ken: Unfortunately, that role is reserved for me!

"I don't want to know," groaned Lexx.
"Bill Gates,"

>Squall: Oh! I get it! Infermon wants to buy an X-box!

the other female snickered.

>Ken: Finding the idea of Microsoft's dark lord amusing.

Lexx rolled her eyes. "Jenn, this is serious," she insisted.
"You're right, you're right. Sorry."

>Davis: (Jennifer) You suck, you suck. Sorry.
>Squall: (Jennifer) Please leave, please leave. Sorry.

"It looks like he's in the New York systems," Izzy muttered,

>Squall: (Jerry Seinfeld) WHAT is WITH these evil Digimon in our systems? Who ARE
these people!?

reading information as it scrolled across his screen.

>Squall: (Izzy) Hmm, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…"

"He's eaten all the data at Kennedy Airport

>Davis: He was the third gunman on the grassy knoll!!!

and he's heading for the subway system.

>Squall: He's headed into New York's subways? Hope he has some kick-ass life
insurance.
>Davis: Or a really big gun!

"Good! That'll definitely slow him down," Tai nodded.

>Squall: (Tai) Getting mugged in the subway, I mean.

"That gives Matt and T.K. time to get to a computer and send Gabumon and Patamon to
help."

>Davis: (Sarcasm) A lotta friggin' help they'd be!
>Squall: Yeah. Patamon would just revert back into a Digi-egg and Gabumon would just
lick himself.

Just then the computer bleeped.

>Squall: Y' know, come to think of it, I've never actually heard a computer "bleep"
before.
>Davis: (Tai) Damn all this annoying bleeping! I'm setting this thing to vibrate!

Yet another window popped up on both Lexx's laptop and Tai's father's computer
screen.

>Squall: Man! They must have hella-good processing speed! My computer slows to a
crawl if I open more than two windows!

Two familiar blond faces appeared.

>Squall: It's that weird blonde kid again, and now he's cloned himself!

"Matt!" gasped Jennifer.

>Squall: (Matt) You left me lying in front of your door, y' mook!!

The boy in the dark red shirt looked confused. "Er . . . do I know you?"

>Davis: Matt suddenly remembered the one nightstand he had and ran like hell!

Jenn looked shocked, but covered it up a moment later.

>Ken: Yes! Please cover everything. I certainly do not wish to see any of 'that.'
>Davis: Heh, I do!

"Long story,"

>Davis: (Tai) And it has a lot to do with fairies for some reason.

cut in Tai.

>Ken: …With a butcher knife.

"They're Digi-Destined.

>Squall: (Tai) Whatever the Hell that is…

They're here to help!"

>Ken: How? By blinking, giggling and wasting group time? Humph! I some help…

He left out the part about them being from another dimension for now.

>Squall: Tai's gonna go t' jail for withholding evidence.
>Ken: I'd much rather be there then here reading fanfics.

They had no idea when or where Infermon would attack next. No time for chitchat!

>Ken: But that is almost all they have been doing.
>Davis: SSSSHH!! Don't jinx it! Maybe they'll shut up for three seconds!

"We've got the digi-vices!" T.K. put in helpfully.

>Squall: He put the hyphen in hoping it would help.

"All right!" said Tai. "We'll tell Gennai to upload Gabumon and Patamon onto the 'Net!"

>Ken: If the old coot's not too busy downloading badly forged Britney Spears porn.
>Squall: He gets it from his e-mail buddy, Master Roshi!

"You can do that?" marveled Matt.

>Squall: Okay, guys! On the count of three! One… two… THREE!!
>All: ON BROWNIES ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!!!!!!

Lexx was about to explain about the battle the four Rookies had had with Keramon, and
later Infermon,

>Davis: But she realized that that would make Matt's head explode.

but suddenly an unfamiliar voice came over the line.

>Squall: And Cunomon discovered yet another voice in his head…

"That sounds like fun. Usually I just play solitaire on that thing," a somewhat dopey
voice said from the background.

>Squall: Then Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezey, Bashful, and Doc voices adlibbed
agreements.

The thing was, Lexx couldn't figure out which window it was coming from.

>Davis: She could have sworn it was coming from the recycling bin.

She had three going simultaneously on the laptop screen.

>Ken: Her laptop crashed and exploded, killing the all… end.

It occurred to her that if she tried to do too many things at once, the system might crash.
It was an older model, after all.

>Squall: Hell, my comp is brand-new and I get the blue screen of death if I try to do
anything more complex then downloading while more than one window is open.

The strange voices continued. "Careful Floyd! You almost cut my ear off!"

>Davis: Cunomon has some fruity conversations with himself, doesn't he?

"Kids are so smart these days."

>Ken: (Looks at Squall and Davis) Depends on whom you are referring to…

"I still can't set the timer on my VCR!"

>Davis: Those things are friggin' complicated.
>Ken: I set mine.
>Squall: I'm not surprised…

By the embarrassed grimaces on Matt's and T.K.'s faces, it was soon apparent where the
voices were coming from.

>Squall: (Matt) Damn… they found us out…

". . . .Uh, Matt? Who are those weird people?" Jenn asked.

>Ken: (Tai) Quit stealing my lines, you horrid girl!

"They're not weird. They're my best friends!"

>Squall: (Sarcasm) Sure! Everyone's Matt's friend!
>Ken: Well, he does have the crest of friendship. He might as well make use of it.

he retorted, mustering an offended look. With a more hushed tone he added,

>Ken: (Matt) I hate you all…

"Considering this is the only computer in town!"

>Davis: "Matt exploits the elderly" Interesting concept for a fanfic.

The other four Digi-Destined snickered.

>Squall: The hyphen jabbed into them was tickling them.

"Gennai's transfer of the Digimon is almost complete," Tai told them,

>Davis: (Tai) Just one last piece of hentai to delete…

and everyone was serious again. It was time for battle!

>Squall: (Mr. Referee from Metabots) ROOOOOOO-BATTLE!!!!!

"Hang in there, Cuno," muttered his dark-haired partner. She glanced at Jenn as the other
girl gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

>Davis: I'd rather she squeeze something else!
>Squall: Davis…

"You hang in there too, Lexx. Our Digimon will show Infermon a thing or three."

>Squall: Yes. They'll show him how to fart and giggle.

"Yeah!" Tai grinned. "That bug better watch out, because a whole lotta digi-raid is
heading his way, with an attitude!"

>All: (Deadpan) Yay…

* * *

>Squall: Someone threw three ninja-stars at our authors!

"Well, here we go again!" Cunomon announced gamely.

>Squall: (Deadpan Cunomon) Whoopee…

He was still enjoying the sensation of sailing down the Internet tunnels, all four feet off
the ground.

>Davis: Pissing all over the place…

Not that there was much ground. He turned to bestow a smile

>Davis: (Cunomon) I give to you the gift of smiles!
>Ken: (Foximon) Thank you! I shall use it to melt hearts and butter!

on his orange and cream-furred

>Squall: Waitress! There's a hair in my cream!

"date."

>Davis: The "date" he paid for.

"We're gonna kick some digi-tail, right Foxi?"

>Squall: (Foximon) Only if it's yours.

She grinned back. "Right beside you, Cuno."

>Squall: And that's exactly when she turned and ditched him!
>Davis: (Foximon) How do you like it!

Tentomon, although he didn't have a real expressive face, still somehow looked

>Squall: Disgusted?
>Davis: Lustful?
>Ken: Dead?

exasperated.

>All: Oh…

"Not to butt in, but were Izzy and Tai unsuccessful in finding anyone else?"

>Davis: I'm with you, dude!
>Ken: At this point, Michel would be more helpful than these two.

"I guess so," Agumon answered, but he looked more determined than ever. "The four of
us will just have to try to beat that thing by ourselves."

>Ken: If all else fails, they can always throw Foxi and Cuno's corpses at Infermon.

Suddenly the tunnel widened considerably.

>Ken: Not even the tunnel wants to be near those two.

"Sorry we're late," a blue and white-furred canine called out.

>Squall: (Gabumon) We also caught a ride from Davis.

"I was surfing the 'Net and I wiped out!"

>Squall: (Stoned) Duuuuuuuuuude…

joked the winged Digimon with him. "Hey, you guys must be the help!"

>Davis: (Patamon) Damn tempts…!

"We're here to serve," Foximon quipped.

>Ken: Serve everyone else up on a platter to Infermon, that is.

"Hey, Gabumon!"

>Davis: (Matt) You suck!

A row of windows along the top of the tunnel sprang into life.

>Squall: They got up and ran away!
>Ken: With Foxi and Cuno there I don't blame them.

Matt's eyes were wide and excited

>Squall: It's official. Cuno has somehow managed to slip EVERYONE a brownie.

as he hailed his old friend.

>Ken: He threw ice rocks at him?

"Patamon!" cried T.K. in greeting.

>Davis: When is TK not crying?
>Squall: Hey! You cried when Willis told you his sob story!
>Ken: Wimp!
>Squall: And you cried when Wormmon died!
>Ken: …
>Davis: Oh yeah! Well… you cried when Wizardmon died!
>Squall: WHO DIDN'T!!!!!!
>Davis: Uh…
>Ken: Touché…

"Say hello later," Izzy commanded.

>Davis: Those assertiveness classes are paying off!

Lexx was next. "Yup. We've got work to do!"
As the windows vanished

>Ken: The blue screen of death came up…

Tentomon helped himself to furthering the narration.

>Squall: Go ahead, Tentomon! It's not like these two are doing a very good job.

"Keep your arms and wings inside the ride at all times!" he exclaimed.

>Ken: When they finally meet Diaboromon it will undoubtedly become a "log" ride.
>Squall: I never thought I'd say this but that was disgusting, Ken!

Jenn's voice filtered into the 'Net.

>Squall: (Jennifer) Clean up on isle three.
>Davis: Yeah! Foximon was just there.

"Keep focused, you guys!"

>Ken: Henceforth, Jennifer can only speak in sentences that are meant to be spoken by
Tai and Izzy.

Then there wasn't time for warnings or jokes or encouragement,

>Squall: How 'bout one last, "you suck"?

because the tunnel ended

>Ken: And they all slammed right into a wall… at 75MPH!

and a world of steel girders and beams filled their vision.

>Squall: It's a really lame amusement park.

Somewhere amongst all this was their foe.

>Davis: Curse you, Waldo!
>Ken: When did that joke start, anyway?

The six Rookies fanned out, searching warily, bobbing this way and that.

>Squall: Blinking here, giggling there-
>Davis: Pissing and farting in the corner over there…

They didn't want to be taken by surprise by the virus Ultimate.

>Squall: (Infermon) Hello!
>Davis: (Cunomon) Holy $#%+!! Don't do that!!!

"There!" Gabumon called out.

>Squall: (Gabumon) That's where I'll mark my territory!

The others converged on him as the red and white spider Digimon was revealed.

>All: (Deadpan) Ta-dah…

A spinning window whirled beside him.

>Ken: Because it simply had nothing better to do.

"I'm looking for the programmer," snarled Infermon. "Don't interfere!"

>Squall: (Infermon) Bill Gates must be stopped at all cost!

The Digi-Destined appeared in their own windows.

>Squall: Followed by the Digidestined.

"He's teasing us!" said Lexx.

>Squall: (Matt) Quit stealing our lines, you friggin' harpies!!
>Ken: Wait! How is he teasing them? All he said was, "I'm looking for the programmer,"
and "Don't interfere."
>Davis: He must've stuck his tongue out and pulled down his lower left eyelid when he
said it.
>Squall: Why do anime characters consider that to be such an insult, anyway? I think it's
just stupid!

"Oh yeah? Then let's get him!" Tai shouted.

>Squall: (Tai) We'll hold him down while you guys punch him in the stomach!

"It's time to digi-volve!"

>Ken: Actually, it's time to digivolve.
>Squall: I can see by the hyphen on the wall that the fights about to begin!

Agumon and Gabumon surged forward as the others fell back.

>Squall: (Foximon) Screw this! We're outta here!

"Gabumon. . . ."
"Agumon. . . ."

>Davis: Brownie…

"Warp digi-volve to. . . ."

>Squall: Funny, Infermon attacked them earlier when they were Digivolving but he
doesn't do anything here.
>Davis: He just stares at them like a friggin' deer caught in the headlights!

"WarGreymon!"
"MetalGarurumon!"

>Squal l: Since when does Gabumon digivolve into WarGreymon while Agumon
digivolves into MetalGarurumon?

"Whoo! Kick tail, guys!" Foximon cheered,

>Squall: (Foximon) We'll just hang back and chill while you guys do all the work!

swishing her big tail.

>Davis: Beating the living Hell outta Cunomon!

The Mega Digimon sailed through the Internet world after Infermon,

>Squall: (Styx) I'm sailing away! Set an open course for virgin sea!

who was making a hasty exit.

>Squall: (Digimon World game message) Can't escape.
>Davis: (Infermon) Damn it!

Matt and Tai, along with the other children and their Rookie Digimon,

>Davis: Made plans for the orgy.
>Squall: Cut it out, Davis!

watched in anticipation as WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon swooped down from
above Infermon and sent him reeling with well-placed blows.

>Ken: Two Megas on one Ultimate? Talk about overkill…

"All right!" exclaimed Tai.

>Squall: He says that a lot, doesn't he?

T.K. looked to his little friend. "Patamon, you'd better digi-volve!"

>Squall: (Patamon) I can't, TK. This hyphen's in the way!

he said, convinced this battle wasn't going to be as easy as it looked.

>Ken: It was actually easier.

"Right," nodded Patamon in agreement. "Patamon digi-volve to. . . ."

>Davis: AngeBabymon? AngeDinosaurmon? AngeSoccerPlayermon?

But T.K. was right.

>Ken: When he said this fanfic was stupid? Yes!

From down below Infermon saw the chance to strike and leapt upward. The spider
tucked in his legs, becoming a shooting missile.

>Ken: In that he exploded on impact.

"Infermon digi-volve to . . . Diaboromon."

>Davis: Hyphens are invincible!!!

The Digimon's voice deepened into a throaty growl

>Squall: I would hope so. It'd be weird if Infermon sounded like Mimi.

as an evil-looking black Digimon took his place.

>Squall: Hi! I'm the stuntman. I'll be filling in for Infermon today.

Before Patamon could finish his transformation Diaboromon thundered, "Cable
Crusher!"

>Davis: Diaboromon found out about his pirate cable.

Like a whip, his arm snapped out and a hand topped with razor-sharp claws slammed
into the little winged Rookie.

>Squall: Diaboromon's really into bondage and S&M stuff, ain't he?

"Look out, Patamon!"

>Squall: Messages delivered a little late…

T.K. cried in horror as his Digimon was hurled and pinned against one of the metal
girders.

>Squall: But will the ref allow it?
>Davis: (Mills Lane) I'll allow it!

"We'll save him!" Tentomon, Cunomon and Foximon yelled bravely,

>Ken: Patamon's as good as dead…

diving down on the Mega.

>Davis: They're going down on him…
>Squall: Davis!
>Davis: To hit 'em low, sheesh!

The three Rookies were slapped away and sent spinning into the wide Internet world by
Diaboromon's other hand.

>Davis: (Diaboromon) Talk to the hand!!

Their human partners called to them, but they were weakened by the strong attack of the
virus Digimon.

>Squall: (Foximon) He's too strong! We need brownies for power! (Fart!)

Diaboromon still had Patamon pinned to one of the beams. T.K.'s window appeared next
to him.

>Davis: (Sting and The Police) Don't stand so close to me!!

"Patamon, are you all right? Speak to me! Get up! Say something!"

>Davis: (Patamon) Umm, pudding?

But the little creature's eyes were closed, and he was unmoving.

>Ken: Because he was crushed and quite dead!

* * *

>Davis: Quite staring at us!!

As the customers of the barbershop watched in consternation,

>Squall: Whoa! Big word…
>Ken: The authors' attempt to fake intelligence.
>Davis: It probably took them all day t' find that word in the dictionary.

the little blond boy shouted at the computer,

>Davis: Now that blonde kid is running around yelling at computers!
>Squall: He just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

tears in his eyes.

>Davis: So what else is new?

"I'm coming, Patamon!" he wailed. "I'll come get you!"

>Squall: Yes! Hug him! Love him! …Call him George!

Matt was torn

>Ken: Right in half!

by his younger sibling's pain,

>Ken: Actually, it was more like "delighted."

and well knew what it felt like to have your Digimon hurt and you unable to do anything
about it.

>Squall: Well, he didn't seem THAT shaken up when Myotismon was beating the living
Hell out of WereGarurumon.

"T.K.," he said gently,

>Davis: (Matt) Shut up!

"you can't. But he can!"

>All: GO, BLONDE KID!!!!!

On the screen MetalGarurumon snarled angrily and charged at Diaboromon.

>Davis: (MetalGarurumon) Where's my money, bitch!

* * *

>Squall: At the speed these scenes keep changing, if it really was a movie people really
would get epilepsy from it.

"Wipe him out!"

>Ken: (Tai as Darth Sidious) Wipe them out! All of them…

Tai called from his window as the two Digi-Destined Megas attacked.

>Squall and Davis: (WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon) HYPHEN ATTACK!!!

"Ice Wolf Bite!"

>Squall: Tell me, guys. Is it "Metal Wolf Claw" "Ice Wolf Claw" "Ice Wolf Bite" or are
they just three completely separate attacks?
>(Ken and Davis shrug)

MetalGarurumon's full impressive arsenal exploded toward Diaboromon.

>Squall: MetalGarurumon has more missiles than a third world country!

The virus abandoned his hold on Patamon,

>Davis: Great! Now Patamon has to deal with abandonment issues.
>Squall: (Needy Patamon) Wait! Don't leave me, Diaboromon!

who floated unconscious as Diaboromon evaded most of the missiles fired at him.

>Davis: And MetalGarurumon regrets turning down the Contac lenses.

He burst from the coating of ice the attack covered him in, then retaliated with a blast
from the cannon on his chest.

>Ken: He shot his heart at them and died from blood loss… end.

"Red Wrecker!"

>Davis: If he's talkin' 'bout Jennifer, I think he means to say "Home Wrecker".
>Squall: Why does that sound familiar?

The three Megas moved farther and farther away,

>Ken: Utterly repulsed by Cunomon and Foximon.

drawn away from Patamon by MetalGarurumon and WarGreymon.

>Squall: Not drawn so much as running away.

While they were distracted in battle, Tentomon, Cunomon, and Foximon swooped in and
circled the little guy protectively.

>Ken: He was safer when he was being held by Diaboromon.

T.K.'s window still hovered by his Digimon. "Is he okay?" he whimpered fearfully.

>Ken: Yes… in the sense that he is quite dead!

"He was hit pretty bad," Foximon murmured,

>Squall: As her tail continued to pummel the poor little guy.

giving the knocked-out Digimon a gentle shake.

>Squall: Shaking him like a British nanny!

He remained unresponsive.

>Davis: (Sarcasm) Way t' go, Foxi! Y' KILLED PATAMON!!!

"Patamon, open your eyes!"

>Ken: (TK) It will make it easier to place the coins over them for your funeral.

T.K. pleaded.

>Ken: Hump! He pleads while Jennifer demands! I'm starting to think these girls come
from a dimension that lacks simple manners.

For a moment there was silence.

>(Everyone applauds)

No one moved, including Patamon.

>Ken: Rigger-mortis set in.

"He needs someone to watch over him,"

>Squall: Y' know it's a sad thing when an angel needs a guardian angel.

was Tentomon's opinion.

>Davis: He can keep his friggin' opinions to himself!

He didn't like the fact that one of their number was down while three Megas-level
Digimon fought not that far away.

>Squall: Yeah! The 69 was just floating around while WarGreymon and
MetalGarurumon did all the work.
>Davis: Well, it was doing that among other things…

"Absolutely," Cunomon agreed with a sly grin. "Thanks for volunteering. C'mon, Foxi."

>Davis: You go, sir Ditch-a-lot!

"What?" Tentomon exclaimed as the two Rookies began to leave.

>Squall: Cuno display their special attack, "Run like Hell!"

"Hey, that's not what I meant!" The little bug waved his sickle-hands in agitation.

>Davis: Flipping them the bird…
>Squall: How?

"When Patamon wakes up, he'll feel better with a friend,"

>Squall: If Tentomon was the first thing I saw when I woke up, I'd be so scared I'd pass
out again!

Foximon assured the insect Digimon before following Cunomon.

>Squall: Wow! Cunomon finally lead her somewhere!

"Well, when you put it that way. . . ."

>Davis: (Tentomon) It still sucks!

grumbled Tentomon, but he took up a protective stance that said he took this job
seriously.

>Squall: The day Tentomon takes ANYTHING seriously is the day Digimon characters
stop playing soccer.

"I'll be back soon, Patamon," T.K. swore.

>Davis: (TK) #%<%>&%<@#>%*<&#%@#<%^!!!!!!!!!
>Squall: That's not what they meant by "swearing."

His window disappeared, leaving Tentomon and his charge alone. The Mega battle had
moved far into the distance, and Cunomon and Foximon were rapidly sailing away.

>Squall: Because they were really big Styx fans!

* * *

>Ken: No, no! This story should be rated with negatively valued stars.

Lexx was finding it difficult to keep track of three windows at once,

>Ken: She also had ADD.

and by Jenn's frustrated mutterings she was too.

>Squall: Please take some F$%&ing Ritalin, already!

The largest depicted

>Davis: Hentai?

WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon as they fought Diaboromon;

>Davis: Oh…

the smaller two showed the four Digi-Destined boys shouting encouragement to their
friends.

>Squall: Their friends being the Digidestined.

T.K. was frantic about something, but she couldn't tell what it was.

>Davis: They were all out of Pokémon cards at the store.

"Where are the other Digimon?" she asked the girl next to her.

>Squall: Off somewhere blinking and giggling, most likely.

Jennifer admitted she was just as clueless.

>(Everyone chuckles)
>Ken: No need to admit it. We kind of figured it out.

"Something's wrong,"

>Ken: With this fanfic? Yes!

she said lowly.

>Davis: I like it when she talks solo. So-low you can't hear her! HA!
>Squall: And you say some of my jokes were stupid.

"They're too slow!"

>Squall: In the head…

Lexx's green eyes darted back to the screen.

>Squall: Ouch! They flew right outta their socket and spattered themselves on the screen!

She still couldn't see the Rookies,

>Ken: It is difficult to see anything when one's eyes have left their sockets and smashed
themselves against a screen.

but the two Megas were behaving slower than usual, and Diaboromon easily sidestepped
their attacks.

>Davis: That was until WarGreymon threw a soccer ball at his head.

"What's going on?" the black-haired girl wondered. Her mind searched for an answer at
lightning speed.

>Ken: Then her head suddenly burst into flames…

Maybe they were reacting badly to the interaction with the Internet?

>Davis: Maybe they were just nauseous from being in this fic?

Jenn gasped, and Lexx once again focused on the laptop. One of the windows was gone!

>Squall: Davis broke it with another soccer ball.
>Davis: I can't help it if I was accidentally playing soccer indoors.
>Ken: How do you accidentally play soccer indoors?

"What happened to Tai and Izzy?"

>Ken: They were smart enough to escape from this fic.

Jenn demanded frantically.

>Ken: If she demands anything one more time I am going to slap her…

"They're window just disappeared!"

>Davis: It got up and ran away from them!
>Squall: Everything runs away from them.

"What were they doing?"

>Squall: Well, Izzy went to the bathroom and I don't think you want to know what he
was doing in there.

demanded Lexx.

>Ken: Now she's demanding things! I think these girls are just plain rude!

"I don't know! I was watching the fight!"

>Squall: It was Hollifield vs. Trinidad. She couldn't miss it!

"Tai, where'd you go?" Matt asked from his window.

>Ken: (Matt) How dare you leave me alone with these insane girls!

"WarGreymon has practically stopped moving!"

>Ken: That was because he was quite dead…

It was true.

>Squall: He was dead!

On the screen the orange Digimon-who had lost the armor coverings

>Davis: Oh no!

of his arms

>Davis: Oh… phew!

and hands somehow in the fight-

>Squall: He traded his Dramon destroyers for hyphen destroyers.

could only float amongst the debris the battle had kicked up.

>Squall: Hmm, the debris is singing "Let's kick it up."

"MetalGarurumon too!" Jenn gasped, pointing to the likewise still wolf.

>Davis: "Still" what?
>Squall: (Condescendingly) Yes Jenn. He's still a wolf.

Diaboromon gave a low, gravelly chuckle on the screen,

>Squall: Diaboromon laughs a lot in this fic.
>Ken: He finds the fic's sheer awfulness amusing.

circling the two Megas warily. He was waiting to see if this was some sort of a trap.

>Squall: They're playing dead!
>Ken: No "playing" necessary.

And when he found out it wasn't, he was going to finish them off.

>Squall: Saving them from the horror of having to read or be in anymore of this fic.
>Davis: Lucky bastards…!

T.K. suddenly leaned forward.

>Davis: Slammed his head against the computer screen and died!
>Ken: Normally, I would say things like that.
>Davis: Well too bad 'cause I got the killing TK market cornered!
>Squall: You got something against T-oh yeah! You do…

"We've got an e-mail!" he said,

>Squall: TK picked a bad time to audition for the part of the AOL voice guy.

at the same time one popped up on the screen of Lexx's laptop.

>Squall: Whoever made Lexx's laptop did a Hella-good job of it! Its got better
processing speed than a brad-new desktop!

"We've got it too," affirmed Lexx.

>Davis: The hentai has been delivered…

"It says, 'Do you think the likes of you can defeat me?'"

>Squall: Huh? (Flips through the movie script and scratches his head) He never said
that…
>Davis: I liked it better when Diaboromon, y' know, didn't talk so much.

Jenn deleted it with disgust.

>Ken: Why didn't she delete this fic while she was at it?

No sense talking with the virus.

>Davis: Compared to this fic, he made too much sense…

"I'm liking this less all the time," muttered Matt,

>Davis: I'm with y' Matt. I didn't like this story to begin with.

his eyes fastened on Diaboromon, waiting to see what he would do.

>Squall: Diaboromon pulled out a hat and cane and started shuffling off to buffalo!

The black Mega

>Davis: Don't you mean, "Da black Mega, G!"?
>Squall: Watch it with jokes like that, Davis. We'll get in trouble…

laughed,

>Squall: Cunomon and Foximon's giggling fits are contagious!

and the sound curled the stomach of all four Digi-Destined watching.

>Davis: (Makes a farting noise)
>Squall: Diaboromon's laughing gave them gas!
>Ken: That and the hyphen impaling them.

He had made up his mind about something.

>Ken: Killing our authors? Definitely a good idea…

And it wasn't good.

>Squall: No worse than Tai's mom's cooking.

"Red Wrecker!" WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon never had a chance.

>Squall: The fanfic had finally killed them…

The blasts slammed into them just as Izzy and Tai's window popped back into existence.

>Squall: The fic has now become an episode of VH1's Pop-up Video.

As the two boys stared in shock at the deeply injured Digimon, Diaboromon laughed
once more,

>Davis: Villains laugh too much.
>Squall: They had to give 'em something to do a lot of.

then called up an exit tunnel and slipped away.

>Squall: Diaboromon flees almost as much as Foxi and Cuno.

"WarGreymon!" Tai cried, not caring a bit about the evil virus.

>Ken: He might start caring when those missiles start dropping.

"Hey guys, where were you?"

>Squall: Thanks to Tai's mom, Izzy had to make a quick offering to the porcelain god.

Matt's voice was heavy with defeat over the speaker. "You sure picked a lousy time to
take a lunch break."

>Squall: He's just mad 'cause Tai can woof down more food than he can.

Tai was barely listening.

>Ken: So Matt became angry and punched him again.
>Squall: How?
>Ken: Don't worry. He'd find a way.

"What happened to him? WarGreymon! WarGreymon?"

>Ken: SkullGreymon?

A low groan came from the great Digimon.

>Squall: …Who was standing right next to WarGreymon.

"Tai . . . I can't move!"

>Ken: That tends to be one of the side effects of being dead.

Two more gasps came from the main window,

>Ken: Damn… they can still breathe…

and Lexx and Jenn let out sighs of relief as Cunomon and Foximon glided into view.

>Squall: (Disappointed) Oh… damn…
>Ken: (Disappointed) They're still… alive…

"What took you two so long?"

>Davis: (Foximon) We were blinking so much we couldn't see where we were going.

demanded Jennifer.

>Ken: (SLAP!!!)
>Squall: Dude!
>Ken: I warned her, didn't I?

"Patamon's hurt,"

>Ken: (Foximon) And by that I mean he's dead!

her Digimon explained tensely. "Tentomon's watching after him. We came as soon as
we could!"

>Davis: (Foximon) Well, we came as soon as we finished off the brownies.
>Squall: No one with half a brain would take on Diaboromon without first being stoned
outta their minds.

"Obviously not fast enough," muttered Cunomon, edging up to the damaged form of
WarGreymon.

>Davis: WarGreymon rolled over and crushed him.

The little Rookie floated next to the Mega's head. "What happened to him?"

>Squall: He heard The B52s were gettin' back together and he couldn't take it!

"Diaboromon happened," muttered Lexx. "Something's slowing them down! If we're
going to have a chance at stopping him, we have to figure out what's causing this and fix
it.

>Squall: (Lexx) It couldn't be the brownies, could it?

We-whoa!

>Davis: (Lexx) This hyphen just got me where the sun don't shine!
>Squall: Eww…

Hold on a sec, Cuno."

>Davis: (Lexx) I gotta fart!

He nodded. "We'll keep an eye on things here."

>Squall: (Cunomon) Let's see... steal girders, spinning wheels, pimps, dead Patamon,
Myotismon, Waldo, more dead Patamon… nope! Nothing unusual!

The girl's attention had been caught by

>Ken: Shiny objects?

one of the other windows on the screen.

>Ken: A shiny window?

At first she thought she was seeing things,

>Davis: Brownies 'ill do that to y'…

but . . .

>Squall: She was actually seeing in Morse code!

Tai was attacking Izzy!

>Squall: It's a new FOX™ special. "When Tai attacks!"

"Tai, what are you doing!?" she cried.

>Squall: God forbid anyone mess with her boy toy, Izzy.

"I was reading an e-mail from another kid!"

>Squall: (Izzy) He was sending me hentai, you dork!

shouted the redhead, staring the goggled boy in the eye angrily.

>Squall: (Hurt) Gee, Izzy. Me 'n Davis didn't mean to make you mad.
>Ken: Wrong goggle boy…

"Well you didn't have to read it so well!"

>Ken: And Jennifer and Lexx didn't have to write this fic, but some people are just
inconsiderate.

Tai snarled back, releasing his hold on Izzy's shirt.

>Ken: Izzy fell to the ground and shattered into a million pieces.

"Hey you two, this isn't a time to be fighting!" Matt interrupted.

>Squall: (Matt) Fight time is from six to eight!

"Yeah, like we don't have more important things to worry about!?" Jenn seconded.

>Davis: (Jennifer) We ARE running low on brownies…

"Stupid e-mails,"

>Ken: (Tai) Yes! Stupid e-mails that will end up saving the world. How dare they!

grumbled Tai, turning back to his father's computer. Just in time, too, as yet another e-
mail from Diaboromon appeared.

>Ken: Get ready, guys. Diaboromon will now say something completely out of character.

" 'Who can count backwards from ten?'

>Davis: 10, 9, 8, 7, umm… 7, umm… Damn it!

What's that supposed to mean? Is he giving us a math test?"

>(Everyone is suddenly holding pieces of paper while scribbling on them with pencils.)
>Ken: (Three seconds later…) Done!
>Squall: God! I just wrote my name!

"Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what he's doing," Jenn said sarcastically.

>Squall: Jennifer Morton: A.K.A. the bastard child of Davis Spade.

Her snide expression fell as

>Ken: Everyone else shot her!

a giant red counter suddenly filled the laptop screen,

>Davis: It's a counter counting down 'till their fifteen minutes of fame are up.
>Squall: You mean their still not up?

blocking out the two windows of the Digi-Destined and the main one of the Digimon.

>Ken: Tai, Izzy, Matt and TK could finally open their eyes, as they no longer had to look
upon the two horrid girls.

The connection was still there though, as evidenced by Matt's voice.

>Davis: Screaming curse words at them!

"Hey, what's with the timer?"

>Squall: Diaboromon is counting down until the next Star Wars movie premiers.

Another situation presented itself, as the image of Diaboromon behind the timer split in
two, and then again into fours.

>Ken: The sheer torture of this fic is causing him to rip himself apart.

"He's making copies of himself! Multiplying!" Tai warned.

>Squall: (Diaboromon) Copy, Paste, Copy, Paste, Copy, Paste, Copy, Paste, Copy, Paste,
Copy, Paste...

Lexx groaned. "This can't be good."

>Davis: (Lexx) Tai's mom is in the kitchen!

"Is anything about this situation good?" came Izzy's voice.

>Ken: Is anything about this fanfic good?

"Good point."

>Ken: Mind if I stab you with it?

"Well, too bad it gets worse. The USA just launched two nuclear missiles!"

>Squall: It's not so bad for us!
>Davis: Yeah! It means that one way or another, this fic's about to end!
>Ken: We're hoping for "the other."

"What!?" Jenn and Lexx exclaimed together.

>Davis: What, do they need a visual aid or something? Two big missiles are about to
blow you to friggin' Hell!

"Are they going to hit us?" T.K. worried.

>Ken: No, but the fallout will.

Izzy explained the predicament quickly.

>(Everyone groans)

"Willis says the government has no explanation for it,

>Squall: With George W. Bush in office I'm not surprised!

but he found out Diaboromon's in the Pentagon's computers!

>Ken: (Izzy) And if it were not for the fact that he lacked nuclear launch codes that
would mean something.

I hope I didn't lead him there with my satellite uplink.

>Davis: Maybe you shouldda spent more time watching your connection and less time
downloading hentai.

One's heading to Colorado,

>Squall: (Izzy) So in other words, it's harmless.

and the other's zeroing in on us! They're going to land in less than ten minutes!"

>Squall: (Deadpan) The excitement… whoa…
>Davis: (Deadpan) I'm on the edge of my seat…
>Ken: (Deadpan) I think I shall take a nap…

"That explains the timer," sighed Matt.

>Davis: (Matt) Now if we only had something to explain the awfulness of this fic…

"If those missiles hit, thousands of people are going to die," Lexx whispered fearfully.

>Squall: No sh*t, Sherlock!
>Davis: Yeah. Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Tai's angry glare could be heard

>Ken: Funny. I find it rather difficult to hear a facile expression.

in his words, even if it couldn't be seen. "Not like you have anything to worry about!"

>Squall: (Tai) As the authors you can just use the backspace key and erase the missiles
from the story!

"That doesn't mean I don't care!" she shot back.

>Ken: We don't care. Does that count for anything?

"Can't the military stop it?" T.K. cut in desperately.

>Davis: Yes! In the sense that they can ram it through several buildings…

"Every country is trying to intercept them, including Japan.

>Squall: (Chuckles) How, with samurai swords and ninja stars?
>(Ken and Davis glare at Squall)
>Squall: Hey! You guys made ethnic slurs, too!

But Diaboromon's thought of that already.

>Davis: (Izzy) He didn't actually do anything about it. He just thought about it.

He's infiltrated their computers and is rerouting them to land harmlessly in the ocean
near Hawaii.

>Squall: What is it with the Japanese and bombs landing in Hawaii?
>(Ken and Davis punch Squall)
>Squall: Ow! Okay, okay! I'll cut it out!

And the e-mails are coming in again." He sighed, reading a few of them.

>Ken: Not a good time to be checking one's e-mail.

"I'm trying to save the world, and you're reading fan mail!" Tai exclaimed, exasperated.

>Squall: Could be worse. He could be reading fanfics.

"Maybe the question we should be asking isn't how to stop the missiles, but how to stop
Diaboromon,"

>Squall: (Bitter sarcasm) Nooooo… Y THINK!!!

Lexx pointed out. "Wouldn't that stop the counter?"

>Ken: Would it not be more fun to let the missiles blow them up?

"That's right!" Izzy shouted. "If we could destroy the original, that should work!"

>Squall: (Diaboromon) Oh $#*+!!! Copy! Paste! Copy! Paste! Copy! Paste! Copy! Paste!
Copy! Paste! Copy! Paste! Copy! Paste!

"Well, how many are there so far then?" asked Matt.

>Squall and Davis: (Bill and Ted) 69, man!!

Izzy groaned. "Oh no. . . ."

>Ken: He saw how long this fic is.

"Spit it out, Izzy!"

>Squall: Why does Tai want him to vomit into his hand?

Tai demanded impatiently.

>Ken: Now He's in a position to demand something.

"How many are there?"

>Davis: (Izzy) Hold on! I have t' take off my shoes to help me count!

". . . .There are over seventy-five thousand and counting."

>(Everyone yawns)
>Squall: Big deal…

Heavy silence descended over all three pairs

>Ken: Smothering them all…

as the impossibility of the situation sunk in.

>Davis: This fic being impossibly awful!

Something gave a low groan.

>Davis: Followed by a loud fart!

At first it seemed to the girls like a sound of despair,

>Ken: Their fic had destroyed another innocent soul…

but that was proven false as WarGreymon coughed and spoke.

>Ken: More like, "Coughed and died."

"Tai. . . ." he gasped. "Tai, have faith. I'll find the original."

>Davis: (WarGreymon) I'll find a first edition Charizard! Trust me!

Lexx typed away at the keyboard and the screen with the counter and Diaboromon copies
minimized,

>Squall: Good idea, Lexx! Just X out of that window and pretend nothing happened…

revealing the three other windows underneath. There was WarGreymon, his armor badly
cracked, but moving. Barely.

>Ken: Dead, but still moving…

"I'll help you," vowed MetalGarurumon.

>Ken: (MetalGarurumon) Yes… help you DIE!

Both Megas wearily righted themselves.
"We'll help too!" insisted Cunomon.

>Squall: (WarGreymon) Where the F$%& were you guys earlier!

"Lexx!"
"Jenn!" Foximon added.
"We need to digi-volve!" they finished together.

>Davis: The hyphen allows them to DNA digivolve into the worst incarnation yet!

* * *

>Squall: The Internet has horizontal traffic signals.

In the Internet world,

>Ken: Patamon's corps was grinded into hamburger meat by those spinning wheels…

it was obvious to both Rookies that WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon needed help.

>Squall: They were holding "Help Wanted" sighs.
>Ken: The two Megas were smart enough, however, to add, "All blinkers need not
apply."

They could hardly move, let alone fight!

>Ken: Let alone continue to live…

"They'll need someone to watch their backs,"

>Davis: They can have them! I'll stick with watching Jennifer and Lexx's backs! (Evil
grin)

said the little dragon Digimon to the fox.

>Squall: This fic is turning into a weird fable.
>Davis: The moral being, "Always eat your brownies!"

"And we're the only ones here," she agreed.

>Squall: (Foximon) Well, us, Myotismon, Waldo and those pimps.

"We're ready!"

>Davis: (Jennifer as Sponge Bob Square Pants™) I'm ready! I'm ready!

Jenn and Lexx's windows appeared, and were replaced with images of their digi-vices.

>Squall: (Lexx) Now the power of the hyphens will serve us!

"Cunomon digi-volve to. . . !"

>Ken: Will Gallantmon please show up and slay this dragon?

"Foximon digi-volve to. . . !"

>Squall: Dot-dot-dot Exclamation point mon!!!

"Sartomon!"
"Glorymon!"

>All: (Deadpan) Whoopee…

A twilight-colored dragon with wings like the night sky and a humanoid figure with a fox
tail and green, leafy clothes took up position on either side of the two Megas.

>Ken: Humph! Now we find out what they look like.
>Davis: Don't worry! My vivid imagination drew me satisfactory picture of what
Glorymon looked like. (Evil grin)

Before the four Digimon a wide exit tunnel, like the kind the virus Digimon had used,
opened.

>Davis: No fair! They get to leave and we have t' stay here!

Izzy's window appeared. "WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon are so slow,"

>Squall: (Izzy) They're not moving very fast, either.

he murmured, thinking. Suddenly a look of shock passed over his face.

>Ken: His laptop malfunctioned and electrocuted him.

"It's because of all the e-mails!"

>All: 'BOUT FRIGGIN' TIME THEY FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!

he gasped, finally stumbling

>Ken: Over something and cracking his head open on the floor.

onto the answer.

>Squall: The answer… is twelve.

Jenn's window popped into existence and she smacked herself in the forehead.

>Ken: With a hammer…

"That's right! It was the e-mails! Why can't I ever remember anything important?"

>Squall: (Jennifer) Could it possibly be all the brownies?

"They're slowing down the Digimons' processing speed!" Izzy continued.

>Squall: (Izzy) Well, it's either that or the fact that WE'VE GOT FIVE FRIGGIN'
WINDOWS GOING ALL AT ONCE!!!!!!

"I've got to write to everyone and tell them to

>Davis: (Izzy) Send more hentai!!

stop e-mailing us until our Digimon are up to full strength!"

>Squall: (Izzy) Damn this Spam!!
>Davis: Hey! That rimes!

Tai's window was next.

>Ken: …To die.

"Are you crazy, Izzy?

>Squall: Tai began to get worried when he noticed Izzy wasn't wearing any pants.
>Davis: I'd be a little worried myself if that happened.

Do you know how long that will take?"

>Ken: I do!
>Davis: We know…

"It's the only chance we've got," Lexx responded grimly. "But Tai's right; we don't have
the time. There's only about seven minutes left on the timer!"

>Davis: (Lexx) Did I say "minutes"? I meant "seconds"…

"Then we'd better get moving!" Sartomon growled,

>Davis: (Sartomon) And by that I mean we better RUN LIKE HELL!!!!

and the four Digimon plunged into the tunnel that would take them to their enemy.

>Squall: Waldo! That fiend!

* * *

>Ken: This Cyclops is the only one who has yet to blink.

In a dark movie theater,

>Davis: A very naughty movie was playing.

two girls watched as their Digimon

>Ken: Died…

were about to take part in a battle that, to them, had happened four years ago.

>Squall: They realized how boring it was and left…

* * *

>Squall: Diaboromon has strategically place shiny objects to distract Foximon and
Cunomon.

In another dimension,

>Davis: Two kids and a bunch of other weird people searched for a place called
"Galidor."

two boys sat in a city apartment and watched as wave after wave of e-mails poured into a
small yellow laptop.

>Squall: (Digimon) E-MAIL WAVES!!!
>Davis: What a lame attack for a Digimon…

* * *

>Davis: (Stuck on stupid) Ooooo!! The colors…

In a tiny village barbershop,

>Squall: Floyd finally screwed up and cut that poor guy's ear off!

two brothers watched the screen in intense concentration, not daring to think

>Ken: About how truly awful this fic is.
>Squall: Thinking really isn't anyone's strong point in this fic.

of what might be the outcome of this adventure.

>Ken: If the outcome in anyway involves the deaths of our authors/protagonists and their
partners then please do think about it.

* * *

>Ken: (Eye twitching) Great Buddha! I think I actually am contracting epilepsy!

And all around the world, people of every nationality, every color and language and
background, watched four creatures who were their planet's only hope.

>Squall: (Kids around the world) We're doomed…

* * *

>(Everyone seizures)

As the multicolored

>Davis: (Stuck on stupid) Ooooo!! The colors…

corridor ended, the four Digimon found themselves surrounded in darkness.

>Squall: What're they doing in Cher's house?

"Er . . . who turned out the lights?" muttered Sartomon.

>Davis: That blonde kid is playing with the light switch.
>Squall: He just wanted a bigger part in this fic.

This was the darkest he had ever seen this Internet world. Usually it was bright white and
full of color.

>Davis: Other than that it was pretty dull.

Glorymon cocked her head, listening to a low repeating sound.

>Davis: (Makes farting noises)

She couldn't identify it, but it made her shiver with dread.

>Ken: Good. Now just remove that "r".

"This place gives my Goosemon bumps,"

>Davis: Gives her "Goosemon Bumps" what?
>Squall: R.L. Stine's new book series!

she murmured softly. Together the Digimon slowly floated out into the middle of the
mammoth room.

>Ken: What're they doing in Mammothmon's room?

WarGreymon looked to the left and right,

>Squall: Looking carefully before he crossed the street.

staring suspiciously. His green eyes widened.

>Davis: Dilating pupils are a big theme in this fic.

"Their copies! Copies of Diaboromon!" he rumbled in alarm.

>Squall: (Diaboromon) Yeah! And my fingers are sore from hitting "Ctrl. C, Ctrl. V" so
many frggin' times!

Sartomon groaned. "Swell."

>Squall: (Sartomon) Gee, jilliggers! We're in trouble!

He could now make out the many voices of the virus copies, repeating the same words
over and over again, overlapping and distorting.

>Squall: (Diaboromon) Brownies…
>Ken: (Diaboromon) Hyphens…
>Davis: (Diaboromon) F$%& you…

"Don't interfere . . . don't interfere . . . don't interfere. . . ."

>Squall: (Diaboromon) I'm almost done typing out my Morse code!

Behind the four Digimon, six windows blipped open.

>Ken: Diaboromon pushed them out of the windows and they fell to their deaths… end.

"How many are there now?" Matt wondered desperately.

>Davis: (Izzy) Umm… a $#*+ full?

"To be honest, I don't know," Izzy returned. "I stopped keeping track a while ago. It's
gotta be well over a million!"

>Squall: (Regis Filbin) Who WANTS to be a millionaire!

Sudden silence fell,

>Ken: Crushing them all…

as the "well over a million" Diaboromon copies stopped talking and zeroed in on the
Megas and Champions in the center of the room.

>Squall: (Diaboromon) Hold very still… maybe if we ignore them they'll just go away…

The cannons in their chests began to glow.

>Davis: Yeah, my cannon starts to glow whenever I see a hot girl, too.
>Squall: Umm, Davis. That's not what they mean…

"Digi-volve again!" screamed Jenn and Lexx.

>Squall: (Jennifer) On second thought, that won't accomplish much. You should
digivolve instead.

"Sartomon digi-volve to. . . !"

>Davis: Whaddaya think he'll digivolve into?
>Ken: Something with a lot of hyphens that constantly munches brownies.

"Glorymon digi-volve to. . . !"

>Ken: And ironically, she'll become something that will bring shame and dishonor upon
us all.

The dragon reared up on his hind legs, body twisting and

>Ken: Snapping in half…

changing. His body and wings lightened, from navy blue and black to a lighter shade and
sky blue. His spines disappeared, and a wild mane of red head flowed down his neck.

>All: Huh?
>Davis: So… a buncha heads with red hair went down his neck?
>Squall: Maybe that's where all the other voices came from?

A leather sash crossed his chest.

>Squall: He's getting into his S&M gear?
>Davis: Cool! He's into bondage!

Bandanas appeared around his arm, wrist and tail.

>Ken: Cutting off the circulation and killing him…

"DracoSartomon!"

>Squall: (Draco from Dragon Heart) I'm suing your ass for copyright infringement!

Glorymon's green outfit

>Davis: Fell off! (Evil grin)
>Squall: (Condescendingly) Yeah… sure…

flowed into a beautiful silver dress, her hair bleaching into the same color.

>Squall: Funny. Normally when one bleaches their hair it turns blond.
>Davis: Maybe she used a Hell of a lotta bleach?
>Ken: So much so that the bleach leaked into her brain and she died.

Her humanoid face pushed outward,

>Davis: And exploded!

becoming a muzzle.

>Ken: A muzzle to keep her from talking…

Lastly, her pupils faded away, leaving pure silver orbs.

>Davis: (Sarcasm) Great! Now she looks like Mobeious™ from Legacy of Kain!
>Ken: DracoSartomon gouged the eyes out and sold them for quite a mint.
>Squall: (DracoSartomon) Ha! Payback, missy!

"PolarGlorymon!"

>Squall: Can someone turn up the heat?

The Diaboromon copies attacked.

>Squall: He flipped them the bird.

The children's windows closed as the four Digimon leaped

>Ken: Off of a cliff…

to evade the powerful blasts. Spinning, dodging, darting,

>Ken: Blinking-
>Squall: Giggling-
>Davis: Farting…

they danced

>Squall: Oh! This is the time in fanfiction when we dance!

between the meteors

>Squall: Meteor? I wonder if Diaboromon has the Black Materia.

of energy hurling at them.

>Ken: "Hurling"? Diaboromon just started vomiting on them?

DracoSartomon yanked the sword of energy from his back with a cry of, "Blade of the
Dragon!"

>Squall: (Lexx as Sisco) Y'all niggas gonna make-
>Davis: (Backup singers) Unleash dragon!
>Squall: (Lexx as Sisco) I don't even really wanna-
>Davis: (Backup singers) Unleash the dragon!

Whenever a Red Wrecker got too close he slashed at it with his sword.

>Ken: Strike one!

Waves of snow and hail flowed from PolarGlorymon, as if she were suddenly caught in a
blizzard.

>Davis: Needless to say, her nipples were-
>Squall: Davis!!

The blasts that shot her way were wrapped up in the snow and ice and frozen. "Polar Ice
Storm!"

>Davis: Shoot that thing at Kari or Mimi! (Evil Grin)

Then a roar of pain caught their attention,

>Squall: Doesn't always take shiny objects, does it?

and they turned just in time to see MetalGarurumon hit several times.

>Ken: Strike two!

The armored wolf howled and disappeared into a thick cloud of smoke.

>Davis: They must have shot him in the lung.

"MetalGarurumon!" The Digi-Destined windows were back.

>Squall: With a vengeance!

Tai gasped as WarGreymon was hit just like the other Mega had been.

>Ken: Strike three! You're out!

"WarGreymon has started to slow down again!" T.K. cried.

>Davis: Died…

"It's the e-mails." Izzy's voice was tense. "They're coming in faster than ever!"

>Squall: They're slamming right into his face!

"Then stop them!" Jenn urged,

>Ken: (Sarcastically) Because it is just that easy…

watching as PolarGlorymon narrowly missed being struck.

>Davis: By that truck from the third part of the movie!
>Squall: Palmon should really go back to driving school.

"He can't.

>Squall: The Spam is too powerful!

The only way to stop getting e-mails is to disconnect, and if he does the Digimon will
lose their connection to the Internet and stop moving entirely, like last time."

>Squall: And my head is going to explode, just like the last time we sat through an
explanation!

Lexx shut her eyes against the sight

>Ken: Of Jennifer…

of DracoSartomon fighting for his life,

>Ken: When he should be fighting for their deaths!

desperately trying to think of something that would help.

>Squall: What would help us is if you didn't think at all.

"They're sitting ducks out there!" yelled Tai.

>Davis: As he capped a few right between the eyes!

The two Ultimates saw the Megas getting pounded by wave after wave of attacks.

>Squall: Didn't really do anything about it. They just broke out some popcorn and
watched.
>Davis: Unfortunately, it was that stale-ass bag from earlier.
>Ken: They got food poisoning from eating it and died…

Without hesitation they flew

>Ken: Away…
>Davis: They still have that "Flee Attack" apparently…

to help. Unable to see anything

>Squall: They realized that they really shouldn't blink so much.

within the clouds of smoke

>Squall: Smoke? I guess they burned their brownies.
>Davis: Wow! Even I couldn't make that sound more disgusting!

caused by the attacks, PolarGlorymon and DracoSartomon still plunged right in.

>Squall: The "never give up" and "never think things through clearly" attitude of these
Digimon is inspiring!
>Ken: Yes… they inspire me to vomit…

And didn't come out.

>All: Yay!

"PolarGlorymon!" gasped Jenn.

>Davis: (Jennifer) From now on I will call you FlamingShamemon!

"DracoSartomon!"

>Squall: (Lexx) Sean Conary called. He wants his Draco back!

Sensing victory,

>Squall: Diaboromon did the "Ash Ketchum" pose.

the viruses stopped their attacks.

>Ken: It would be rather odd if they continued to fire long after the battle was over.
>Squall: (Diaboromon#282) I think we won!
>Davis: (Diaboromon#69) Wait! That one twitched! (Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Shoot!)

The dust settled.

>Squall: The brownies… were ruined…

Four broken figures floated dead in space.

>Davis: Action figures!
>Squall: Oh no! Diaboromon killed G.I. Joe!
>Ken: I must rest after this.
>Squall: Good idea, Ken. Let's split. (They exit the theater)

(1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… *beep*)

The boys exited back into the satellite's main room to find their Digimon standing around
one of those Enigma machines from World War II.
"You guys figure out the Morse code?" Squall inquired.
"Almost," Diamon replied. "Just gotta wait for this thing to make the last few
calculations."
Just then, the Enigma machine began a print out. The gather group waited with baited
breath. Davis tensed, Ken looked on with interest, and Squall licked his lips with anxiety.
At that very same moment, the view screen crackled to life and our three villains
appeared upon.
"What the hell are you doing??" Seph shouted, aggravated.
"We're waitin' for this Enigma machine to printout what all the dots and dashes translate
to," the neo-goggle boy answered.
"Oh…" said Seph with interest peeked.
So the three villains joined in the excited observation of the Enigma machine. And when
the machine had finally finished its work, Diamon stanched up the paper, looked at it
and-

TO BE CONTINUED

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to own Digimon: Digital Monsters or any
characters or story lines there of. Nor do I own the idea of making fun of stuff (i.e.
MST3K). They both belong to their respective trademark holders. I also don't own Seph
and Chaoticmon (they belong to my step nephew). I also don't own the story that was
being MSTed, but I do own Squall and Diamon.

Squall Note: This fic turned out to be quite a bit longer than I anticipated, so I have t'
break it into yet another part. The last part, however, may be too short to stand on its own
as a fic, so I may have the gang MST another short story after they finish off this one.
'Till next time, all!



Tentomon, although he didn't have a real expressive face, still somehow looked

>Squall: Disgusted?
>Davis: Lustful?
>Ken: Dead?


~~Squall