Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned) ❯ When she's sick, she's really sick.... ( Chapter 1 )

Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned)

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z does not belong to me; it belongs to Toei and Funimation. Ugh.

Warning: Rampant OOC. This is a parody.

Piccolo woke up.

Something was very wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it. The day was sunny, the birds were singing, and the flowers on his nightstand were a lovely shade of blue. Frowning, he pushed back his fluffy comforter to look around his snug house.

He couldn't get it. Everything was the way it should be, right?

Ah, well, maybe things would look different after a shower. Finally getting all the way out of his comfy bed, he paused in front of the mirror, noticing something was very wrong.

He had a dick.

Thump.

Piccolo's contemplating of what was wrong with the universe abruptly stopped, as he had a meeting with the ground.

~*~*~*~*~

"Pup, get me a beer," called a voice from the garage. It was rough and harsh, full of crude disregard for the person being yelled at. The small figure on the way to the kitchen stopped, and fumed for a few moments, before going to get the demanded beer.

"Took you long enough, Vegeta," said Bulma, taking a long drag of her cigar and blowing it in into the Prince's face. The blue haired inventor snatched the beer and popped it open, guzzling half before letting out a long burp. Vegeta's delicate face twisted in a grimace of distaste.

"You can be so disgusting, Bulma," he said quietly, luminous eyes filling with tears. Bulma snorted and went back to working on her machines.

"You're so MEAN!" Vegeta yelled, and ran off, heading to his Gravity Room, where he trained and knitted and made all sorts of beautiful throw pillows.

~*~*~*~*~

Goku woke up, wondering what was wrong that morning.

Everything was as it should be.

"Hey, Gohan, checked on your mother this morning?" he called, getting out of bed and heading over to his closet. He frowned at his clothing. His usual orange gi wouldn't do today of all days…

"Yeah, she's fine! She stopped trying to chew through the straightjacket this morning after I put the muzzle on her. It didn't look like she damaged it that badly, so I didn't get her a new one. She goes through them so fast. I doubt she could get out of her padded room anyways."

Goku yawned leisurely. "So long as she can't get out and ruin my day, I don't care," he replied absently, making his clothing choices.

"Mind if I molest Goten later?"

"Sure, whatever," Goku said, not hearing. He jumped into the shower, before donning his new clothes…

~*~*~*~*~

Piccolo fought his way back to consciousness, knowing that SOMETHING had to be very, very wrong. Especially after that horrible nightmare.

His eyelids fluttered open, and he looked around, and his eyes fixed on the mirror.

"Oh, thank Dende," he muttered, seeing nothing protruding from his groin. Sighing with relief, he poked himself. Then stopped and blinked. Heart thudding with sudden horror, he sat in front of the mirror and spread his legs, seeing two flaps of skin, and a hole…

The green giant screamed like a girl (which she now was) and passed out again.

~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta scowled as someone interrupted his needlework. Dammit, didn't people know how hard counted cross-stitch was?

Getting up and huffing in annoyance, he opened the door to his Gravity Room, and there stood the man of his dreams.

Goku leaned languidly against the door jam, eyes smoldering as he took in the lithe form of Vegeta, who stared bashfully back. Vegeta had never seen such a manly man before. He was dressed in snug black leather pants, and a black silk shirt, with a ruffled collar and cuffs and open to the waist, showing off his manly chest. The small prince was absolutely stunned by his manliness.

"Hello, Vegeta. My, you look, just, delicious," SSJ Kakarrot said, licking his lips and prowling up to victim. Vegeta's face turned white with fear, and he crumpled to the ground. Kakarrot suddenly went from being the sexual predator to conciliatory companion.

"Oh, Vegeta, what's wrong? Come on, you can tell your Kakarrot," he cooed to the sobbing Prince.

"Its just that… I had a rotten childhood!" he wailed. "Frieza, he, he-"

"He what?" said the righteous Kakarrot, his eyes blazing with rage.

"He gave me a TIME OUT and sent me to the CORNER and wouldn't let me have a SNACK when I was hungry! Then Zarbon, he, HE TOLD ME A DIRTY JOKE! AND SAID A BAD WORD!"

"MONSTROUS!" Kakarrot declared, scooping up Vegeta into his arms, who curled up like a kitten. "You have every reason to have been an evil son of a bitch and destroyed planets for the fun of it. Why, I can't comprehend such horror! You poor little prince, let me, your manly Kakarrot, take you away from this and ravish you!"

Vegeta's face was transformed by this act of kindness. "I've waited my entire life to be dominated and overpowered by such a manly Saiya-jin! Ravish me and pound my ass bloody!"

"With pleasure," Kakarrot purred, and exploded out of the Gravity room, burning many of the lovely colorful throw pillows that Vegeta had been working on.

~*~*~*~*~

"Would you look at that?" laughed Bulma, guzzling another beer and smashing it against her head, and burping at the same time. "Damn, I gotta get me a real woman some time, looks like fun. Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrp. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hey, Mom!" said a voice, and Mirai Trunks walked in. "Can I molest my younger self?"

"Sure, have fun, just remember to tape it this time, okay?"

~*~*~*~*~

Piccolo awoke once again, praying he had been dreaming.

Dende must have hated him.

Now… He looked, and saw that he had a dick, and a vagina.

"DAMMIT! THAT IS ANATOMICALLY IMPROBABLE! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??"

~*~*~*~*~

Dende snorted another line of cocaine, and laughed hysterically.

"You're right, Larania, torturing them IS a lot of fun!"

Meanwhile, a feverishly sick and drugged up Larania continued to type…

~*~*~*~*~*~

The cage door was open, gnawed through at the hinges. Blood dripped from where the muzzle had been gnawed through. Insane laughing could be heard throughout the forest…

Vegeta looked around fearfully.

"Are you sure this is safe, Kakarrot?" he asked, looking around.

"Its perfectly safe, my kitty cutie honey baby," Kakarrot soothed. "No one is around to hear us for a thousand miles."

"Oh, I'm being silly," Vegeta smiled, so brightly that his teeth shone brighter than a flash bulb, momentarily blinding Kakarrot. "You are right, of course. You're always right!"

"Of course I'm right," the larger and manlier Saiya-jin male said with Touga like confidence, meaning he just wanted to get into Vegeta's pants. "Lets go and get something to eat… we'll need it," he said seductively.

"YEAH!" Vegeta said, brightly of course, and again blinding Kakarrot. Happily, they ran to the small cottage. As soon as they entered, however, Vegeta screamed.

"Kakarrot! HOLD ME!"

"What is it, Vegeta-honey-sweetie-pie?"

"THE HORROR!" he moaned, holding his manly male. "Oh, the HORROR!"

Kakarrot wanted to scream as well, when he realized what had happened. The house was spotlessly clean. Top to bottom, it smelled pleasantly of lemon pledge and Pine sol. They knew what this had to mean.

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

They paused, hearing an unfamiliar sound. It became steadily louder-

VrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"OH DENDE!" Vegeta screamed, as a chainsaw erupted from Kakarrot's back. Grabbing his fallen almost lover, he started to drag him away, still screaming hysterically. There was a sudden loud CRACK-

"DAMN! My high heels! They broke!"

Looking over his shoulder, Vegeta saw the torn straightjacket clad form of Chichi, wearing a hockey mask and carrying a bloody chainsaw, pacing slowly behind him.

"Don't you die on me," Vegeta wailed to Goku. "I need you, you big lug! Don't die on me!"

They approached the lake where they were going to have their merry skinny-dipping, and Vegeta could no longer carry Goku's limp form.

"Vegeta, I have something I need to tell you," Kakarrot whispered, his eyes full of unshed tears. The Saiya-jin Prince kissed him tenderly.

"What is it, my love?" he said tearfully.

"You have a really great ass- but Yamcha's is better," he said, then croaked.

"You, you PLAYBOY!" Vegeta wailed, again, and started to kick Goku all over.

VVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NO!" Vegeta screamed, running from the still slowly walking Chichi. She held the Bloody Chainsaw of Doom over her head, and advanced, slowly, at Vegeta.

The prince stood, helplessly, despite the fact that Chichi was moving so slowly-

~*~*~*~*~*~

Piccolo moaned as he stroked his giant hard dick and moved his brand new vibrator in and out of his vagina.

"So… THAT'S why I have these!" he said, and continued to play with himself.

~*~*~*~*~

Bulma laughed drunkenly as she watched the home porn made by Yamcha, Tien, and Krillin.

"Amateurs," she mocked, and puffed on her cigar.

~*~*~*~*~

Dende stared at Larania. "Aren't you going to finish it? What happens to Vegeta?" he demanded.

"I don't know," Larania shrugged.

"Why are Mirai and Gohan molesting people?" Dende yelled.

"I don't know."

"Why are you writing this crap??"

"I felt a deep psychological need to express my inmost desires in print, but that has nothing to do with this story."

"You're sick, you know that?" Dende snarled, throwing his hands up in the air and stomping away, ignoring that his cocaine had blown off and into the skies around the Lookout.

Larania shrugged. "I know that."

~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta woke up wondering why he suddenly wanted to subscribe to Better Homes and Gardens.

Goku woke up wondering why he idolized movie Akio.

Gohan, Goten, Trunks and Trunks woke up wondering why the hell they had watched Legend of the Overfiend.

Chichi woke up with a chainsaw. That was nothing new, but this time it was actually CLEAN.

Bulma decided to take up porn again.

Piccolo woke up neuter, and decided to hunt down a certain authoress who should have never been allowed near a computer…

And all was well with the world.

The end.