Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned) IV

Disclaimer: Any series used in this fanfic do no belong to me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction.

Warning/not: rampant OOC, insanity, yaoi and yuri eventually.

Vegeta stood there, his eyes twitching, a vein bulging from his forehead.

"You... want me... to WHAT?" he screamed, looking at Asha, who was still dressed as Gendo Ikari.

"You will be in my next fusion."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Vegeta hissed.

"I feel the need for more humor. It would be a refreshing break from the Evangelion story line," his tormentor answered.

"Or else," he walked up to the blue haired woman, poking her in the chest," you'll do what?"

"This," Asha answered, and produced a red dress. A red, Rose Bride dress.

"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Vegeta screamed, cringing away. He had seen Trunks in the background- dressed as Akio.

~*~*~*~*~*~

In all people's lives, there comes a time of closing. In this case... it was graduation.

"A-KU-RA-SU!" sang a voice, and a figure came skipping down the road.

"A-KU-RA-SU!" the figure started knocking people over, as it resolved itself into Vegeta, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, skipping happily. He seemed to be content to ignore the world and chant "A-KU-RA-SU!"

SQUEEALLLL-

CRASH!

"Oh dear god, he's dead! He's been caught dead cross-dressing!"

Sirens announced the arrival of the ambulance, who loaded Vegeta up, who was staring up at the sky, a goofy grin on his face, still trying to pronounce his favorite saying," ah, ah, ku..."

"Hold on, mister!" wailed one of the EMTs. "Don't go into the light! Oh god, this is bad, his life is flashing before his eyes!"

Even as that was said, the back wall of the ambulance faded away, showing scenes that... were drawn in crayon and looked like a five year old's rendition of manga...

"What the hell was he smoking earlier?" asked the other EMT, watching the flashback, appalled.

Vegeta, in one last-ditch effort to say something, saw a large green, poorly scribbled shape, which resolved itself into a green figure in white robes and a turban.

"Hay- hail lord Pic-"

He flat lined.

"OH SHIT!" screamed the EMT.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta floated serenely in a beautiful sea of stars.

"Vegeta... wake up Vegeta," called a feminine voice. Vegeta ignored it in favor of a really cool dream where he was king of the smurfs...

"You must not die, Vegeta," said that same voice. "Life is too valuable... and more importantly, I need to kick your ass for trying to ruin my story! What the hell were you smoking, anyways?" snarled Asha, standing in front of him. Vegeta realized he was back on the stretcher and looking up at the pissed off authoress.

"It was," he swallowed," just some cocaine that Dende gave me... he thought it would help me get into character..."

"Oh god," she muttered. "Well, with my great powers as Author, I will start this story over, and you had better get it right this time, or its the Rose Bride Dress for you!"

~*~*~*~*~

"That was messy," said a giant green man, seated in an enormous throne.

Vegeta just squirmed. Then he straightened and said "HAIL LORD PICCOLO!"

Piccolo, who had only gotten this role because he'd been threatened with having his genitals removed again, straightened and said, "This world is corrupt! And the only thing to make it better, is my secret ideological organization, ACROSS! Therefore-"

Whatever else he might have said was lost as Vegeta did a manic dance around the throne room, yelling variation of Piccolo's name.

"DYNAMITE FOR LOVE! YAY! LORD PICCOLO! Pi pi pi co co co loooo! What's the deal with that rope?" Vegeta asked, nervously, and rubbed under his nose to hide the white powder there, as Piccolo reached for a mysterious rope pull.

"Never mind- like I was saying, this world is corrupt, and we must unify the world-"

"YAY LORD PICCOLO!" Vegeta screamed and dived for him-

CRACK- Vegeta fell on to the floor, a bullet in his head.

~*~*~*~*~

Asha sighed, and restarted the story again. "You are not getting out of this so easily."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"As I was saying, we need to unify the world. To start, and so we don't strain ourselves, we will begin with this city," Piccolo said, pointing to a really cool map overhead thingy. "And to make things even easier, we will start with this part of the city," the green giant continued, really hoping he could have some quality time with the tentacle monster later.

"YAY! LORD PICCOLO! That is such a vain and grandiose plan! I'll do anything you ask of me, Lord Piccolo. If you want me to cross dress, I'll cross dress!" he said, changing back into his schoolgirl's uniform. "If you want me to throw up, I'll throw up!" he said, promptly gagging and puking. "As a loyal soldier of Across," he declared, then suddenly blushed and looked shy, "and as a bishounen in love with Lord Piccolo, I will go through raging puns, through flaming emails! OH, LORD PICCOLO! TAKE MEEEEEE!!!"

This time, when Piccolo killed him, he used a rocket launcher.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Asha sighed and pinched the skin between her eyes. "Why me?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"You shouldn't rely on that," Piccolo said flatly, because Asha had threatened the tentacle monster this time.

"Sorry!" Vegeta whined.

"You're mission actually has nothing to do with world domination," Piccolo said, scowling. "In fact... do you know what this is?" he snarled, pointing to a computer screen, which showed the web page fanfiction.net.

"FANFICTION!"

"Yes, and it shouldn't be confused with true literature. In ACROSS's brave new world, there will be no such need for materials that break the copyright laws. So- to get things started right, you will kill this person," and the cool map overhead thingy changed to show a red haired girl, with scales.

"This is Larania Drake, fanfiction author. Your mission tonight- is to OBLITERATE HER!"

"Yes, I will blindly obey! I will kill all those that stand in your way, be they authors or artists!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta bounced down the road down to a small apartment, far away from the city he was supposed to help conquer, holding up a broad sword and swinging it like it was a toy.

"OBLITERATE! DIE DIE DIE! In Lord Piccolo's World, there will be no need for such weird people like you! Woo hoo hoo! Because Lord Piccolo told me too! Joy is MINE!"

Sneaking in... sorta, the door wasn't locked... Vegeta crawled through the room, to see a girl sitting in front of a computer, happily typing.

"Oh! My name is Larania, I'm a fanfic author... la la la... I write a lot and I never finish a story... la la la... I get people telling me I'm worth crap! la la la..."

Vegeta, seeing this, stared at her, his eyes manic, when he saw the cute pic on her desk that was done by Larania's little sister, and he paused.

"Vegeta, you must not do this!" said a pleading voice, and a cute little pink Vegeta with wings pleaded with him. "No matter what Lord Piccolo says, its wrong to kill!"

Then a demon Vegeta with bat wings kicked the cute angel Vegeta over. "Who cares? She'll wind up dead anyways when Lord Piccolo takes over the world! DO IT!"

This started a knock down drag out fight between the two sides of Vegeta's conscience, and he wailed. "I CAN'T DECIDE!"

CRACK!

"The gun of Justice kick's evil's ass!" snarled good Vegeta, holding a .48.

"Justice fights dirty," Vegeta mumbled in surprise.

"Go forth, and do right!" Good Vegeta declared- and Vegeta nodded.

"WAHHHH?" screamed the formerly singing author. "Its- its- a cross-dressing Vegeta??"

"Um, no- I'm not a cross dresser-" Vegeta protested, holding up the sword. "I'm just here to kill you!"

~*~*~*~*~

Do the graphic nature of the following; please imagine that you are in a nice, sunny place, watching the ocean...

"HELP! HELP! THAT WAS MY ARM!"

That you are seeing pretty flowers blowing in the breeze...

"DIE BITCH! DIE!"

There are little kittens cutely playing at your feet...

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Took long enough," Vegeta muttered, as you can now see him again. Larania is now in several pieces at his feet.

"Vegeta," said a stern voice, and he turned to see Asha, glaring down at him. "You know, it's generally a bad idea to kill the original story author..."

Vegeta backed away, eyes wide with terror.

"I will reset the story, but you need to pay for what you have done, Vegeta," Asha continued, smiling cruelly. "You will wear the Dress, and I will cut off your coke supply from Dende..."

"NOOOOOO!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"ALL RIIIIIIGHT!" Vegeta screamed, now wearing a blue suit with a helmet and stood in front of a construction site.

"I GET TO DIRECT TRAFFIC!" he bounced around... and let's people see the piles of Surge bottles around him. "I may not have my coke but I have my CAFFINE! ALL RIGHT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT! Hey, you suspicious foreign car, go that way! You, police car, no speeding without your lights on! WORKITWORKIT!"

Vegeta fell over panting, exhausted.

"Hey, part-time short guy," the foreman, walking up from nowhere carrying a heavy load. "We got 12 tons comin', look out for-"

CRASH

"-it. Hey, you okay part-timer?" the foreman asked, crouching down by Vegeta, who was squashed flat.

"I'm JUST FINE!" Vegeta claimed, climbing up from a pool of his own blood. "If I wasn't we'd have to start the story over and I'd for SURE have to wear that dress..."

Asha then walked by him, shaking her head in despair. "This is not part of the proscribed scenario."

"And the Great Author would keep making bad Evangelion jokes!" the unnaturally hyper Vegeta concluded.

"Well, keep up the good work," the foreman said, and walked off. Looking around, Vegeta noticed a patch of stillness in this otherwise bustling construction site.

Sitting on the edge of an iron I-beam, sat Chichi, looking morose.

"HEY CHICHI" Vegeta yelled, coming up.

"HEY, VEGETA!" she shouted back, and they slammed fists together, laughing.

"What's gotcha down, Chichi," Vegeta said, and Chichi looked at him with watery eyes.

"Chichi has been in Japan for two years now," Chichi murmured, with an atrocious attempt at a Spanish accent. "Chichi misses- well, just look at the flashback," she said and they turned to look off into the distance, which seemed to change to a nice round house and a little boy with incredibly spiky hair. One of their coworkers didn't get out of the way in time and fell off, never to be seen again outside of flashback land.

"MAMA!" said the cute little boy.

"Gohan!" she yelled, catching him as he threw himself into her arms.

"Welcome home, Chichi," said a taller man, with even spikier hair. Chichi kissed him quickly. "Your son has missed you," he told her.

"I'm so happy you're back!" Gohan gushed cutely.

"I'm so happy to be back!" Chichi answered- and the flashback faded away.

"You're saying that you're homesick?!!" Vegeta exclaimed in disgust.

"Si," Chichi answered, looking miserable. "I miss my precious son and sexy husband..."

"YOU IDIOT!" Vegeta screamed, bitch-slapping her. He then proceeded to beat her senseless.

"Vegeta, why you beat Chichi?" she whimpered, crying, tears making rivulets down her face.

"BECAUSE! IF YOUR SON IS REALLY THAT PRECIOUS AND YOUR HUSBAND IS REALLY SEXY THEN YOU'LL DO ANYTHING IN YOUR POWER FOR THEM THAT IS WHAT THEY CALL TRUE LOVE!"

"True love?" Chichi said in amazement. "Why, I never imagined! Why thank you Vegeta! Chichi has now found the joy of working under the hot hot sun again! Thank you! My tears are running like waterfalls!"

Chichi joyously ran away, dragging some I-beams with her.

"You're working real hard today ain'tcha?" asked the foreman, seeing Chichi work.

"Chichi could do all of this before breakfast- of course, she has already had her lunch!" she said, winking.

"Damn, you've gotten those stupid Japanese work jokes! Well, I think I'll be given you something extra with your pay today- just don't tell that Yamcha!"

Yamcha, who had been listening in the background, sneezed and dropped the screws he'd been holding.

"Oh, really?" Chichi exclaimed, looking ecstatic.

Vegeta watched all this, a satisfied look on his face. "I'll work harder too! For LORD PICCOLO! ALL RIIIIIGHT!" he screamed, waving his baton around. "YOU IGNORANT AND INCOMPETENT MASSES! WORK FOR LORD PICCOLO! WORKWORKWORK LOOK LORD PICCOLO YOUR VEGETA IS WORKING HARD FOR YOU!!!"

The overly caffinated Vegeta was now doing his little dance, for his Lord Piccolo- and waving the baton about.

"What? He wants me to go on?" thought a semi, a sports car, a truck and a bus at the same time-

"HAIL!"

The semi went through the sports car.

"LORD!"

The truck and the bus slammed into the semi at the same time.

"PICCOLO!"

The pile up collided with the halfway built building, sending it up inflames while Vegeta threw up his arms in joy for his lord!

"Eh?"

Chichi, inside the inferno, was running outside- when her picture of Gohan fell from her pocket and underneath a fallen beam.

"GOHAN!" she screamed, running to find the picture.

"ITS HOT! ITS SO HOT!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta nervously bit his nails, watching the rescue workers try to get everyone out. "What should I do? What should I DO?"

"Go in and help!" said Good Vegeta, waving his finger around. "It doesn't matter what happens to you, there are tons of more people out there to help Lord Piccolo!"

"BUT! But but! I can't afford to be caught now!" he whimpered.

"Who cares?" Good Vegeta snapped back- before handcuffs were snapped around his wrists.

"Good Vegeta, you are under arrest for the murder of Bad Vegeta," said a small Chibi of Asha, who drug the Good Chibi Vegeta away.

"This was a freak accident! An act of god! There was nothing I could have done!" Vegeta exclaimed again. A sudden growling sound interrupted his protests of innocence.

"Ohhh… I'm so hungry," he whined. "I haven't eaten in four days! Poor Vegeta… This might be a test of my loyalty to lord Piccolo, but…"

A small, odd creature with bunny ears, looking rather like a small furry Hiei, crossed his path, and backed away. His cute furry creature instincts did not like the look that Vegeta was giving him…

THUS- Vegeta logic!

Bunny-creature= animal= MEAT!

"MEAT!" he snarled, getting to his feet, baring his teeth at it. "MEAT MEAT MEATMEATMEAT!!!!"

Bunny-chan ran away as his cute little paws could carry him, Vegeta chasing him the whole way.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Chichi," called a voice, as she floated serenely in a sea of stars. "Chichi."

"I'm feeling rather generous at the moment," Asha said, pushing up her glasses as while looking down at Chichi. "I'll take you back to precious son, and your sexy husband-"

"DIABLO!" Chichi screamed, trying to scramble away as she saw Asha.

"What?" Asha answered, offended.

"Hail Mary, full of grace," Chichi stuttered, still trying to get away.

"I haven't worked for that guy in ages! I'm a free agent, dammit!"

"GOD! HELP ME!" the poor construction worker screamed.

Asha's eyes turned cold. "He can't help you now…" Then grabbed the poor woman, who fainted. "Gah."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Piccolo looked down at Vegeta, who was bouncing around like an insane marionette, and cleared his throat.

"I have another mission for you, Vegeta," he said coldly, then smirked.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Oh! My name is Larania. I write fanfic, I'm scum of the earth and no-o-o one will care if I die! La la la!"

Vegeta snuck up behind her, holding his enormous sword, grinning diabolically.

"By order of Lord Piccolo, you will die!"

~*~*~*~*~

Episode Four:

The Author Went Home for the Holidays and Got Bored

Today's Experiment…

FAILED.

~*~*~*~*~

Vegeta sat on his throne, his eyes not really focusing on anything, with a golden crown, scepter and regal cape.

"Smurf! SMURF!" cried the little blue creatures in white that bowed before him.

"I've done it! I'm the KING OF THE SMURFS! MWHAHAHAHA! I have finally found true happiness!"

To be continued!