Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned) ❯ Attack of the Mary Sue ( Chapter 3 )

Dende Must Be Crazy (or Stoned) III

Disclaimer: None of the series depicted in this fanfiction belong to me, and I make no money from this work of fanfiction.

2000 A.D.

Man found God at the South Pole.

God was not happy to be found.

Therefore, Dende blew everything straight to Hell.

~*~*~*~*~

"You didn't," Dende deadpanned.

"I did," said the authoress.

"You are writing a spoof of DBZ and Evangelion? Dammit, I want Larania back," Dende groused. He looked at this new person, who adjusted her knew blood colored glasses on her nose.

"She's retired for a while. I'm taking her place. Other than some physical differences, we are the same person," Asha tried to console him.

Dende coughed. "SOME physical differences? Right, you're blue, furry and have green hair and the mark of the void on your forehead. You have yellow eyes. And a white tail. Of course... You are a bigger psycho..."

"Uh huh!" the aforementioned psycho nodded.

~*~*~*~*~

Alarms went off all over the city of Tokyo-3. In the old, flooded city, a massive figure swam. It was to bring a catastrophe bigger than the Second Impact of 15 years before. It ignored the devastating forces the UN tried to throw at it, like it was a fly.

Barney had finally arrived.

~*~*~*~*~

"Damn it, where is she?" snarled a certain flame haired figure. "When I get my hands on that stupid dragon... How dare she cast me as this- this- spineless wimp!"

As he said this, the city shook with the author's displeasure. A great voice called out-

"It's this, or back to the magical girl costume!"

Vegeta froze. There was no way, NO WAY he was going to be Fuu again...

"Did I say I was mad at the dragon? Who, me? No. I like the dragon, more power to her!"

"She's not here right now," said the voice, as it faded- and klaxons took the voice's place.

Vegeta winced at the noise. "GAH!" he yelped, covering his sensitive ears. He was about to scream more profanities when a blue car squealed down the road, for a moment entirely on its right tires as it swung around- and he blinked as he realized he recognized the driver.

"Chichi? What is Kakarrot's crazy woman doing here?" he nearly yelped. He'd never been a fan of the Eva story, and now he was starting to regret it...

"Are you Ikari Vegeta?" Chichi said, leaning over and opening the door.

"Yes," the Saiya-jin prince answered, getting in the car. "Are you here to take me to my father?"

"Yup," Chichi chirped. "I'm here to take you to NERV." With the smell of burnt rubber, Chichi floored the ignition, and they shot off-

"Stop the car! I'm gonna be sick!" Vegeta said, suddenly clutching his stomach.

"Don't be such a baby!" Chichi sneered- and they could see the giant Barney monster that was rapidly approaching. There was much shaking and quaking of pavement and buildings, and this time Vegeta really did puke. Could you blame him? I mean, faced with a giant Barney that had come to reunite with Dende and cause the destruction of humanity...

The UN kept attacking, but it was useless against Barney's A.S field.

"Isn't that supposed to be A.T Field?" Vegeta asked, wiping his mouth as Chichi mourned her black skirt.

"No, its not. At least, not yet. And stop breaking the fourth wall," Asha yelled.

"Then what does it stand for?" Chichi said, after cussing Vegeta out.

"Annoying Singing Field." The aforementioned purple dinosaur Shito broke out into a rendition of the "I Love You" song and both Chichi and Vegeta covered their ears and dived for cover.

"BRING OUT THE N2 MINES!"

KAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

~*~*~*~*~*~

"We got it!" cheered the people in the UN- most of which had been forced to watch Barney as children and held a grudge against the purple monster. They were then in a sensor blackout from the backwash of the N2 mine. After several minutes... It came back up...

"Dear god, its still alive?" gasped one of the generals. The Beast was charred- but it was also regenerating.

The generals all turned to the smirking form behind them.

"Alright, Ikari, I guess you get your chance," the head hissed, annoyed to have to ask anything of this... person.

"That is what NERV was created for," Ikari murmured, smirking from behind his folded hands, sitting at his desk.

"Dear god man," whispered Ikari's sub-commander. "You can't be serious about this…"

"Rei's not dead yet," Ikari barely frowned. "And a back-up pilot is on the way."

"No- I mean your pants. Please, put them back on. Everyone else might not see you, but I can- and the view of your ass is making me sick."

~*~*~*~*~

A cry came from the wilderness-

"RECAST!"

Ikari glared at Asha. "This is not in the prescribed scenario."

"I told you to wear pants."

"I must get Yui back!"

"I TOLD YOU TO WEAR PANTS!"

"This is for the betterment of human kind!"

"I TOLD YOU TO WEAR PANTS!!!"

"But I like being free to the breeze!"

The entire world paused, as they realized this egotistical megalomaniac was still not wearing any pants…

Asha sighed- and had the nice burly young men in the white coats drag Gendo Ikari off. This was a long time in coming… The poor crazed loony needed therapy. So what if he made her want to torture him like Akio and Frieza?

"Crud… someone else has to play Gendo. Who else could be the twisted, so callous of feeling? Who could treat his own family like that?"

~*~*~*~*~

Thus, the universe was changed.

Again.

"One, two, three!" Chichi and Vegeta grunted, rolling her blue car back over onto its wheels.

"Thanks," Chichi muttered. "Oh, by the way, I'm Katsuragi Misato. You can call me Misato if you want to."

Vegeta blinked. What the hell? She didn't remember being Chichi? Crazy author…

"We're going to see my father now?" Vegeta asked, feeling ambiguous about the whole thing…

Chichi nodded. They were then speeding off, after, eh, borrowing some battery packs…

"What does my father do here?" Vegeta asked, nervously this time. Dammit, this Shinji personality was getting to him…

Chichi glanced over at him, as they made their way into headquarters. "Didn't he tell you?"

"No, I wouldn't be asking if I knew, now would I? But the asshole always has his reasons. He wouldn't call me just because he wanted to get together for Christmas."

Captain Katsuragi frowned. This 'kid's' mouth was getting to her. However, it didn't matter- as they soon reached the Geofront.

They wandered and wandered and wandered some more (making Vegeta wonder if they were in a Ranma ½ fanfic staring Ryouga) until Chichi finally sweat-dropped and used the intercom to call for Dr. Piccolo to come to their elevator- which they had been riding up and down for the past twenty minutes.

After five more long minutes of waiting, the elevator finally opened, onto a rather annoyed green face, above a white lab coat and- and black male bikini?

Enter the first fan service of the fic!

"Lost again Katsuragi?" Dr. Piccolo said in a flat, bored tone. Chichi just sweat dropped again and laughed. Not before checking out his bikini, however. The 'special' modifications the earlier fics had made were still there, apparently…

"Captain?" Vegeta poked her. She snapped out of her dazed state and wiped the drool off her chin.

Piccolo and Chichi discussed what was going on, which was basically inane babble about numbers and devils and other weird crap that he ignored. He was not looking forward to meeting the person he called father. He was looking forward even less to the other weird crap, and the pilots involved and the Shito. What the hell were those things? Dammit, he wished he were back in his gravity room training… Though he had to admit Piccolo DID look good in a bikini, nice ass on that Namek…

Then darkness that descended was terrifying for a moment, until the lights returned- and Vegeta wished the lights had stayed off.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"That," Piccolo said, with a tone of satisfaction, "Is the biomechoid being called Evangelion Unit 01. It was created here, in secret. It is the best hope for human kind against the Shito."

"Screw the humans, this wasn't in the script!"

"Vegeta," Chichi hissed.

"You will pilot it, Third Child," came a voice from an overlook above the giant Evangelion.

All the people on the bridge looked up- to see Gendo Ikari.

At least, it was the person playing Gendo. This person was wearing the trademark red tinted glasses (and pants, to everyone's relief), white gloves, and the NERV uniform.

"Uh," Vegeta was about as speechless as he could get. "When did my father have sex change? When did she become furry and blue, with green hair?"

"I was the only person who could play Gendo on such short notice, Third Child," Asha said, in a flat voice.

"Screw you, you just want me to pilot it!" Vegeta hissed, trying to power up, then realizing that for this story, he was basically human. "God damn it!"

Without acknowledging Vegeta, Asha/Gendo turned to monitors in her overlook.

"Bring out Ayanami," she whispered. On the monitors, her sub-commander, Gohan, tried to protest.

"She's the only usable pilot right now," ordered Asha. Gohan nodded reluctantly.

"Bulma," Asha said gently over the intercom. "We need you."

There was a rush of wheels, as a hospital bed, carrying a small, lithe form was rushed out to bridge in the cage of EVA Unit 01. The figure on the bed whimpered softly in pain, as she tried to get off the bed. Vegeta was aghast- it was Bulma, but Bulma was short, straight hair and blood red eyes, her skin pale as skim milk. What the hell was the author up to? She was covered in bandages…

The horrific strains of the Barney Song drifted throughout Terminal Dogma. Vegeta couldn't bring himself to move, as the building shook- causing debris to fall directly at them-

Then the EVA moved.

There was a great ripping screech, as the restraints that held the EVA in place were torn- and a massive hand sheltered Vegeta from the shrapnel. Everyone in the EVA cages paused to stare-

"It sheltered him," Piccolo whispered. "Without anyone being in the entry plug! That should be impossible!"

Vegeta looked up at Asha, a smirk on her face. He suddenly had this overwhelming desire to rip her face off…

"I'll do it," he snarled, looking back at Bulma, who smiled weakly at him. The next thing he knew he was in a metal tube thing- and there was yellow liquid being flooded into the tank. It was the color of piss…

"This is disgusting!" he yelped, as his head was covered in the stuff.

"Its called LCL," Piccolo told him. "Relax, it will oxygenate you blood directly."

"Easy for you to say, you aren't in a tube of pee…"

"Its not pee," Chichi interrupted, rolling her eyes. In the tube, there was a bright, colorful light that flashed- and Vegeta couldn't tell he was immersed in that… LCL.

"EVA LAUNCH!" Chichi roared- and Vegeta was turned into a pancake against his chair by the G-forces.

Vegeta reached the city streets of Tokyo-3, blinking and looking around.

"Just concentrate on walking," he heard Dr. Piccolo tell him, and Vegeta nodded, thinking walk- walk- walk- it seemed to work until he tripped and landed on his face. This was bad; because that was when Barney decided to show up and decide the giant dragon looking robot thing needed a BIG HUG!

"DEAR KAMI!" Vegeta screamed. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" He could feel the sugary sweetness that assaulted his EVA like it was his own body! The agony, the horror! He was then thrown into a wall from the force of Barney's happy dance. Then Barney gave him a GREAT BIG KISS!

"The brain case is damaged! We need to get Vegeta out of there!" Chichi yelled, trying to maintain a straight face.

"The YODA give his survival to be 0.000000009%," yelled Krillin, one of the bridge personnel.

"Oh, shit," Dr. Piccolo muttered- "Oh my KAMI!" he yelled, as the Eva came back on line.

"Its- its gone berserk!" someone whispered.

"What? Why is it-"

"ITS SINGING MARYLIN MANSON SONGS! They're eroding the Shito's A.S field! DEAR LORD that thing can rip!"

Somewhere Vegeta's EVA had gotten a giant EVA sized guitar and was making it snarl, and the A.S. Field eroded, almost completely. Then it started to slam the instrument over Barney's head, over and over again.

"OH NO!" Barney wailed, "This poor child needs another HUG!" The purple evil ran towards Vegeta's EVA, hugging it- and self-destructed!

Flames flash-fried the city- and a charred 01 showed up.

"Is that," Piccolo whispered.

"The Evangelion's true form?" Chichi finished, staring, as the massive faceplate fell from the mechanical monster.

Vegeta slowly woke up, realizing he was still in the piss tube, that his limbs were intact- and that he was staring at the face of his EVA-

Which looked one hell of a lot like Buu-

Vegeta screamed-

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Saiya-jin prince woke up in the hospital, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. He grimaced, thinking about what had happened. Things weren't right. This was supposed to be a humor fic… He'd nearly gotten killed in a humiliating manner. Sure, some humor elements were still there… Getting to his feet, he sighed at the hospital gown, before looking for his normal clothes. To his relief, someone had left his bags in his room, so he could shower in the nearby bathroom and get the LCL out of his hair.

He thought, as the hot water flowed over him, making his usually stiff hair fall around his shoulders.

Bulma shouldn't have been hurt. That was wrong, not funny at all. He'd felt the pain coming from the damned giant robot. There was one hell of a lot more going on here than he liked. He exited, dried himself off, and wandered down the halls. He'd memorized the maps he'd been given when he'd been brought here, when Chichi had been lost. It was no trouble to find the "commander's" office.

She was sitting behind her desk, eyes staring through him.

"You aren't usually this dark, onna," Vegeta said softly.

"You are talking of Larania. I am her shadow," Asha said softly and shrugged.

"What? You're her evil side?"

"No, I'm something worse. I existed for far longer than she did. I have gone through multiple transformations and crossovers. I am…"

"Satan?" Vegeta said sarcastically. Asha just grinned.

"I am a Mary Sue…"

Vegeta stared in horror. He knew this was bad- but how could he have guessed this? No wonder…what the hell was in he for now?

Asha just smirked at him- and laughed.

To be continued!

A/N: Special thanks to the author's of "I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug" and "Vengeance" for their inspiration!