Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ The Rose Bride - (Who Could Still Kick Your Ass) ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

This is another of my script-fics, rescued from the unholy bowels of the Website That Shall Not Be Named. Generally I hate crossovers, but I think I was a little sugar high when I wrote this and it really didn’t turn out too bad!! If you liked it back then… well, I think you’ll still like it. And if you didn’t read it then, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR READ IT NOW, DRAT YOU!

WARNING: Rampant bashing of both Zelda and Utena (for the sake of comedy, you hypersensitive weenies) and numerous jokes about some people’s sexual orientation. Also slight shoujo ai in the third chapter.


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Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru
A Zelda/Utena parody
By Galaxy Girl

A/N: Ultra-big thanks to Sailor Star Keeper for letting me borrow her Utena DVDs and helping with the story!

A/A/N: (another's author's note) I know, I know, I am absolutely MUTILATING the names here... but that's to create a better mix of things. Trust me, you can figure it out.

CHARACTERS:

Nabooru... as Utena (Nabootena)

Impa... as Anthy (Impthy)

Link... as Touga (Louga... it's pronounced "Toga" or "Loga". Like a Toga Party)

Ganondorf... as Miki (Uh... let's just call him Giki)

Some Random Gerudo named Kazoo... as Kozue

Saria... as Wakaba (Saraba)

Zelda... as Juri (Zuri)

Malon... as Shiori (Malori)

Rauru... as Saonjii (Rauonjii)

Ruto... as Nanami (Rutanami)

Darunia... as Akio (Dakio)

Skull Kid... as S-ko

The Windmill Guy... as G-ko

Tingle... as T-ko

Scary Mask Seller Guy... as M-ko

Navi... as Chuchu! (Nachu)

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PROLOGUE:

Galaxy Girl (The Narrator): (In a high squeaky voice) Once upon a time... there was a Gerudo princess who was very mad. She was mad because a group of robbers killed her mother and father!

(You see Nabooru's silhouette [her face and hands are colored black, but you can see her clothes and hair] standing up, fists clenched and steam lines drawn over her head.)

GG: After she hunted down the robbers and chopped off their heads for a wall trophy...

(Nabooru's silhouette pulls out a sword)

GG: She was crying by her parent's graves. When suddenly, a handsome prince on a white stallion appeared. He took her into a rose-scented embrace and wiped away her tears. Then he said...

(We see the outline of a guy in prince clothes with crazy brownish-blond hair hug Nabooru's silhouette)

Prince's Voice: Little Princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older.

GG: The prince gave the princess a ring with a Triforce symbol on it.

Prince's Voice: Someday, princess... someday this ring will lead you to me.

GG: And then he left. But that prince was so cool, he saved the princess from a lifetime of regret! In fact, the princess was SOOOO impressed with him, she decided that she wanted to become a prince herself!

(Pause.)

GG: Oh jeez, not LITERALLY, you sickos! BLEAH! Well, anyway... this is the story of a girl with the power to revolutionize the world! Um... not in a literal sense. Anyway... oh, will you STOP asking questions?!?! JUST WATCH THE SHOW!

(The theme song starts up, we see all the characters shaking their butts to the groovy song)

Chorus Singers:
She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something, you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Galaxy Girl: (races by screen, holding cue cards with name of episode)

@-->-------THE ROSE BRIDE! @-->-------

(Scene: The Farore Academy [AKA Hyrule Castle...]. This crazy school is full of weird customs and Triforce symbols, and it's practically in an alternate universe, so don't be surprised if nothing makes sense. At all.)

(Saria is sitting by a bridge, watching the river beneath and sighing. She's wearing a traditional Japanese school outfit, with a green skirt. Two girls walk by, and stare at her, puzzled)

Girl #1: Hey, Saraba! What are you doing?

Saraba: I'm waiting for my BOYFRIEND! She's late!

Girl #2: (scratches head) Um... You mean... He?

Saraba: NO! She!

Girl #1: ... Um, OK... (both walk away, shaking heads sadly)

Saraba: Hmmm...

(Finally, Nabooru walks up to Saria and taps her on the shoulder. Nabooru's school outfit is very different than Saria's, instead of a skirt she has her trademark parachute pants, and she's wearing a boy's uniform top.)

Nabootena: Saraba? Were you waiting for me?

Saraba: (spins around) NABOOTENA! MY BOYFRIEND!

(Saria glomps Nabooru)

Nabootena: OW! OW! YOU'RE PULLING MY HAIR! AND I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, YOU PSYCHO!

Saraba: Oh yes you are, Miss Nabootena! YES YOU ARE!

Nabootena: Why do I have to be your boyfriend? I'm not even a boy!

Saraba: ... That doesn't matter to me, Miss Nabootena!

Nabootena: It matters to me. I don't swing that way, girl.

Saraba: Huh? (drops off her shoulders) Swing... what way? Nabooru, I don't know what you're talking about!

Nabootena: (whispers) I'll tell you later... we're in character, Saria. The name's NABOOTENA.

Saraba: Oh yeah. Sorry. (grins)

Nabootena: Hey Saraba, uh, why don't you go be someone else's boyfriend!?

Saraba: (frowns darkly) Like who?

Nabootena: (looks around nervously) Uh... um... er... How about... That guy!?

Saraba: Huh, what guy?

(Nabooru points at Ganondorf, who is wearing a boy's uniform and has his hair dyed blue instead of red. He's holding a stopwatch.)

Giki: Hmm... So far, it's been 5 days, 14 hours, 52 minutes, 12 seconds since I started timing this leaf for no apparent reason... Hmmm...

Saraba: GIKI! MY BOYFRIEND!

Giki: What? (turns around just in time to be taken down by Saria) AGGGHHH!

Saraba: (jumping up and down on his chest, screaming) AAAAAAH! MY BOYFRIEND! HEE HEE HEEEHEEEEEEHEEE!

Nabootena: (shakes head, walks away) This school just keeps getting weirder and weirder...

(Nabooru gazes at a Triforce-signet ring on her finger.)

Nabootena: (thoughts) This ring... it's the last thing I have to remind me of my prince... He told me it would lead me to him. That's how I found this school... The Farore Academy, where the school symbol is a Triforce!

(Nabooru walks by the tree, where Saria is beating the crap out of Ganondorf in her excitement)

Nabootena: (thoughts) But honestly. How is a stupid ring going to help me find my prince?

(Zelda walks by, with Malon on her heels. Darunia pulls up in a very nice car in the parking lot, pulls over, gets out, and sits on the hood, looking very suave in his boy's school uniform)

Nabootena: (thoughts) Everyone here thinks I'm a weirdo because I don't want to wear the girl's uniform. But I hate dresses... These parachute pants are so much more comfortable. And besides, if you wear the school uniform, all the guys can look up your skirt.

(She sees a girl climbing a tree, and a boy trying to look up her skirt.)

Nabootena: HEY! PERVERT!

Boy: Huh? AAGGGH! IT'S NABOOTENA!

(Nabooru tackles the boy and starts beating him up. The girl sits on a branch of the tree, and watches with interest.)

Girl: Oh, Miss Nabootena! You're so cool! All the boys want you, and all the girls want to be you!

Random Boy: You're the best baseball player in the school, boy or girl! And you kick everyone's butt at basketball and horseback archery!

Random Girl: You refuse to wear a girl's uniform because you want to be a prince!

Random Boy: In... a figurative sense, that is.

Random Girl: You excel at all your classes, and all the teachers love you too!

Random Boy: AND YOUR CHICKEN-FRIED KEESE IS DELICIOUS!

Nabootena: (sticks head out of dust cloud where she is beating up the boy) Oh, thank you!

All Boys and Girls: MISS NABOOTENA IS A REVOLUTIONARY GIRL!

(Link is watching the fight from a corner through a pair of creepy little binoculars)

Louga: Yes... She is... that Nabootena really IS a Revolutionary Girl... (watch beeps) Oops, time for the Student Council scene! (races off towards elevator)

(Scene: The Student Council tower. You see the silhouette of an elevator, and Link's silhouette standing on the elevator. Every time the elevator passes a floor, another silhouette joins the group.)

Louga: (voice) If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick, and the world is our egg. Smash the world's shell...

Student Council: (voices) FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!

(The roof of the school, where the student council meets. Link, the leader of the student council, is playing cards with Zelda and Ganondorf. They're all wearing neato uniforms [Link's is green, Ganondorf's is black, and Zelda's is gold], and all are wearing Triforce signet rings)

Louga: (places down a card) Hmm... I'm out.

Giki: Me too.

Zuri: Ha! You boys are such losers. (takes all the chips from the center) Oh, by the way... what happened to your face, Giki?

Giki: (face covered in bruises and scratches) I have a "GIRLFRIEND!"

Louga: You? A girlfriend? Puh, don't be ridiculous. Who would date you?

Giki: This hyperactive little geek named Saraba. I'm more of a punching bag than a boyfriend. (rubs gut) Ow... (pulls out stopwatch) That's three seconds since I last said "Ow".

Louga: And... what's the deal with the stopwatch?

Giki: Character quirk. No one really knows. (looks at stopwatch) That's six hours since someone else asked me that.

Louga: (rolls eyes) Well guys, we've got another letter from End of the World.

Zuri: WHO!?

Louga: That strange and mysterious dude who sends us letters ordering us to do stuff that we do blindly even if it's a really bad idea because he told us to?

Zuri: Oh yeah. Well, what's he say now?

Louga: He says that there's to be another duelist!

Giki and Zuri: (gasp of terror) WHAT?!?!

Louga: We did a count last week, and there are exactly FIVE Triforce signet rings in the school. As compared to FOUR student council members. So that means that there's a new duelist.

Giki: WHAT?!?!

Louga: I said THERE'S A NEW DUELIST!

Zuri: ... what's a duelist?

Louga: Oy. A duelist is someone who possesses the Triforce signet rings! That means that they can duel for possession of the Rose Bride!

Giki: What's the Rose Bride?

Louga: We're going to find out in the next scene. So stop asking questions.

Giki: Hmm... (looking at stopwatch) According to this, it's been almost three years since we last had a new duelist.

Zuri: WILL YOU STOP WITH THE WATCH ALREADY!?!

Giki: I can't! It's a character quirk! That's what it clearly says in the script, Zelly! Miki's character quirk is his stopwatch and his obsession with finding his shining thing, and Juri's quirks are her disbelief in miracles and that screwy little locket you're wearing around your neck!

Louga: And how my character quirks are to act all mysterious and have babes hitting on me 24/7.

Giki: I don't see any difference there...

(Link scowls at Ganondorf, and looks over the balcony at a small greenhouse in the courtyard of the school.)

(Scene: The courtyard where that little greenhouse thing is. Nabooru is walking by, when she hears voices coming from inside.)

Nabootena: Well, all my classes are over for the day... and I haven't found any more princesses in need of rescue. So... I guess I'll try and figure out what is up with this ring. (stops by greenhouse, studies ring)

Male Voice: So what is this I hear about you talking to other boys, Impthy?

Female Voice: I'm sorry, Mr. Rauonjii... It wasn't my-

Sound FX: SLAP!

Nabootena: (gasps) What is going on in there?

Male Voice: You are engaged to ME, Impthy. I possess the Rose Bride! You are to talk to ME and only ME!

Nabootena: That's it! He can't treat anyone that way, fiancée or not! And besides! (faces camera) It's part of my character quirk to have this strange desire to become a prince not in a literal sense of course, and it is a prince's princely duty to rescue princesses from whatever troubles them and even if I am not a real prince and I don't swing THAT WAY I have to save her because it's my strange desire to become a prince because of this character quirk!

(Nabooru races over to the greenhouse door and kicks it open violently, pulling out a sword. She sees Impa and Rauru inside. Impa is wearing a girl's uniform with a purple skirt and sleeves, and Rauru is wearing a student council uniform. Rauru now has green hair [at least what's left of his hair, anyway...])

Nabootena: WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?!

Impthy: Oh!

Rauonjii: And just WHO are you? What are you doing in here? This place is off limits!

Nabootena: I heard that slap! What are you doing to her?

(Impa blushes and picks up a watering can, and starts watering roses around the greenhouse, as if nothing happened.)

Rauonjii: That's none of your business! This is between me and Impthy. Go away!

Nabootena: You ain't got no right to be slappin' her around like some misbehaving dog!

Rauonjii: Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I am Rauonjii! Student Council Vice-President and current dueling champion!

Nabootena: I don't care if you're Rush Limbaugh. You can't treat your girlfriend like that!

Rauonjii: Girlfriend? You really are clueless. She's not my girlfriend, she's THE ROSE BRIDE.

Chorus: DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...

Nabootena: And... that's supposed to mean something to me?

Rauonjii: YES! You ARE wearing a Triforce signet ring!

Chorus: DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...

Nabootena: WHO? WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? How did you know about my ring?

Rauonjii: You're... wearing it.

Nabootena: Oh... oh yeah. Doiii. Well anyway! You get your hands offa her, you SLIMEBALL!

Rauonjii: Was that a challenge?!?!?

Nabootena: Hmm? Challenge? What?

Rauonjii: I think it was! You're challenging me in the school's dueling arena, aren't you? GOOD! I'll see you there at 3:00 after school today! Bring a sword! And prepare to be defeated!

Nabootena: But- I'm not ALLOWED in the Dueling Arena!

Rauonjii: Yeah you are.

Nabootena: Since when?

Rauonjii: Since I saw that ring!

Nabootena: Who cares about my stupid ring?

Rauonjii: I don't know WHERE you got that ring... only student council members are supposed to have them! But now that I've seen it, you can GO anywhere and DO anything you want, because you're practically a member of the student council! And now you have to participate in the duels, too! AHAHAHAHAHAA! So be there tonight at 3, whoever you are! Or ELSE! MUAAHAHAHA!

(Rauru giggles maniacally and runs away. Impa watches him go and sighs.)

Impthy: Thank you... Miss... Miss...

Nabootena: Nabootena.

Impthy: Thank you, Miss Nabootena. I appreciate you coming along when you did. Though... I probably shouldn't speak about Mr. Rauonjii that way...

Nabootena: Why do you let him to that to you? Uh... uh...

Impthy: Impthy. Impthy Sheikahmiya is my name.

Nabootena: Impthy, why do you let him do that?

Impthy: I... have no choice, Miss Nabootena.

Nabootena: Stop calling me that. Just call me Nabootena.

Impthy: I cannot, Miss Nabootena. Not unless Mr. Rauonjii tells me I can...

Nabootena: HUH?!?

Impthy: I am the Rose Bride, Miss Nabootena.

Chorus: DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN...

Nabootena: And that means... what?

Impthy: I am the prize for the dueling champion of the school, Miss Nabootena.

Nabootena: WHAT?!?! You're a PRIZE? But you're a person! They can't do that!

Impthy: Why not? It is my fate, I am the Rose Bride.

Chorus: DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...

Impthy: (looks around, screams completely out of character) OK, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT DUN DUN DUN CRAP?! STOP IT!

Chorus: ... sorry...

Impthy: (clears throat) Ahem... Yes, Miss Nabootena. I must do what Rauonjii says. Because I am the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: But... WHY?!

Impthy: Why what?

Nabootena: Why are you the Rose Bride?

Impthy: I don't know.

Nabootena: Then why do you do it?

Impthy: What?

Nabootena: Be the Rose Bride?

Impthy: Because I have to. It is my fate.

Nabootena: Then why do you have to do WHATEVER your master or the champion or whoever tells you to?

Impthy: Because I am the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: (smacks forehead) Oy... just... never mind.

Impthy: Do not forget to come to the Dueling Arena, Miss Nabootena. You promised Mr. Rauonjii you would.

Nabootena: Why? What happens if I don't?

Impthy: You get expelled.

Nabootena: WHAT?! WHAT KIND OF MORONIC RULE IS THAT?

Impthy: I don't know. Goodbye, Miss Nabootena. See you at the arena. (Impa walks out)

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SHADOW PLAY PART!
(Has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it's just... there.)

(A big sheet hung on a clothesline. You see the silhouettes of the players behind the sheet. They jump around all over and... act weird.)

Skull Kid (S-ko): (hand up to his ear) Have you heard? Have you heard? Have you heard the news?

DWG (G-ko): (to the tune of "Song of Storms") What is it, what is it?

Tingle (T-ko): (dancing moronically) There's a duel behind the school today! A duel behind the school! Kooloo-Limpah!

Mask Man (M-ko): (pulls out sword) Someone ELSE has joined the fight for the Rose Bride!

S-ko: (hands on face in surprise) Someone ELSE wants the power to Revolutionize the World!

G-ko: WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?

T-ko: (puts finger up to lips) It's a secret! Kooloo Limpah! Kooloo Limpah!

M-ko: (grabs chalkboard and pointer stick) The winner of all the duels receives the power to revolutionize the world! I wonder if the winner will be the new duelist?

S-ko: (hands on hips) Who is the new duelist, anyway? Do you know, do you know?

G-ko: WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?

T-ko: I don't know! Kooloo-Limpah!

M-ko: By the way, what is up with this stupid shadow play? IT MAKES NO SENSE!

S-ko: I don't know! Do you know?

All Shadow Players: Do you know, do you know, do you really, really know?!?!

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(Uh... yeah. That didn't make much sense to me, either.)

(Scene: The hallway of the school, about 2:30 pm. Nabooru is walking along, when she sees a big crowd of people around a bulletin board. Saraba is in the back, looking upset)

Nabootena: What? What's going on?

Random Dude #1: Someone tacked someone's pants up on the board!

Nabootena: WHAAAT?

Random Dude #2: That and a love letter! AHAHAHAHA!

Saraba: (quietly sobbing)

Nabootena: (pushes to the front) Huh? Hey, someone's pants really are up there! And a love letter!
"Dear Rauonjii-
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a really hot guy
And I want to date you
Love, Saraba"

(Nabooru raises an eyebrow and turns to Saraba, who is crying)

Nabootena: Saraba? That's YOUR love letter? To RAUONJII??? EWWW!

Saraba: (sobbing) I sent it to him privately! I didn't want anyone else to see it! WAAAA!

Nabootena: But for the love of PETE, why RAUONJII?!?!? He's a jerk! And a creep! And a butthead! And jerky creepy butthead!

Saraba: THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Nabootena: RAUONJII is your boyfriend?

Saraba: GIKI TOLD ME I SHOULD ASK HIM OUT! WAAAAAA!

Nabootena: Well, that's just MEAN of Rauonjii to put that up on the public bulletin board! No one does that to my... scary little friend and gets away with it! DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Giki: (runs forward) 46 MINUTES, 23 SECONDS SINCE SOMEONE ASKED THAT LAST TIME!

Nabootena: Uh... no, I mean what time is it?

Giki: Oh. It's 2:38.

Nabootena: CRAP! I have 22 minutes to get to the Dueling Arena to fight Rauonjii! (speeds off)

(Scene: The gates to the top tower of the castle. Nabooru flashes her Triforce ring in front of the symbol on the door, and the door slides open. As she marches up into the tower, the Chorus Singers sing "Absolutely Random and Weird Song")

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
RANDOM SONG!

KOKIRI! COMPUTER!
ENRON! COMPAQ!
COTTAGE CHEESE!
BABY DUCKS!
CHICKEN WINGS!
CHICKEN WINGS!

EINSTEIN! CLINTON!
RUBBER PANTS!
DIVING BOARD!
GOLD-PLATED UNDERWEAR!
SPICY HORS D'OEUVRES!
MAGIC CURRY!
RICE AND CHEETOS STIR-FRY!
DENTAL FLOSS!
KITTEN!
DIAPER!
BRITNEY SPEARS!
CHAPSTICK!

(Nabooru reaches the top of the tower, and looks up in awe to see... another castle, exactly like Hyrule Castle, floating up above the castle. Upside down.)

Chorus Singers:
EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! SUBSITUTION! LOOKATYOUTION! WE DON'T MAKE NO SENSE-A-TU-TION! ... boom...

(A/N: The real version of the song is a lot like that one. The real name is Absolute Destiny Apocalypse, and it makes about as much sense as Einstein, Clinton, Rubber Pants and Diving Board... No kidding.)

Nabootena: HEY! WOW! What's with the castle!

Rauonjii: That is the castle where conformity dwells!

Nabootena: Don't you mean... Eternity?

Rauonjii: No, conformity. We had to pay an extra $60 to use the real name. The winner of all the duels gets to enter that castle... and inside is the power to revolutionize the world, you great nit-wit.

Nabootena: Now, now, no need to get rude... (thinks for a second, pulls out sword and starts screaming) ALL RIGHT PUNK! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO IMPTHY AND SABARA! I, THE REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO NABOOTENA PROMISE THAT YOU WILL PAY THROUGH YOUR NOSE, YOU STUPID DUMB-HEAD!

Rauonjii: Heh heh. That stupid little twerp, Saraba. I'm like, 60 years older than her and she still wants me to be her "Boyfriend". HAHAHA. Idiot.

Nabootena: You're going to lose!

Rauonjii: Hmmph, we'll see about that! IMPTHY!

(Rauru snaps his fingers, and Impa appears. She is wearing a long purple dress, wearing a silver crown, and carrying two roses: an orange one and a yellow one.)

Nabootena: Impthy? What are you doing here?

Impthy: Look, we already went over this, 'K? I'm the Rose Bride, this is my JOB. I mean... uh... (clears throat, speaking softly) Good luck, Miss Nabootena.

(Impa pins the orange rose to Nabooru's shirt, and the yellow one to Rauru's.)

Impthy: The first person who loses their rose loses the duel.

Nabootena: All right, I get it. Hey Rauonjii! Where's YOUR sword?

Rauonjii: You'll see. IMPTHY! (snaps fingers)

(Impa stand next to Rauonjii, and puts her hands together)

Impthy: ... Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and obey your master! ... ULP! AGH! OW!

(Impa gasps and falls over, and Rauru catches her, pulling a sword out of her chest. Ouch... how did that get in there?)

Rauonjii: (holds up sword) Give me the power to bring the world revolution!

Nabootena: (staring) ...

Impthy: (stands up, brushes off dress) Ahem, I'm OK! I'm ALL RIGHT NOW! All I need is a band-aid...

Nabootena: How? What? Huh? The sword... uh... OWWWW! Where did that sword come from?

Rauonjii: It is the sword of Lios, the mystical prince who you aren't supposed to know about yet but who is imprisoned in that castle up there and is, in fact the same prince that rescued you when you were little!

Nabootena: GASP!

Chorus Singers: DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...

Rauonjii: (scratches chin) Of course, they say that it's only Lios's princely SPIRIT that is imprisoned in the castle, and somehow the other part of him is still running around here somewhere, only it's evil because the good part is gone and... Oh, anyway... ENGUARDE!

Chorus Singers: (repeat annoying Chicken Wings and Baby Ducks song or whatever)

(It is a thrilling sword fight. Nabooru is quite a good duelist, better than Rauru though she would be. She is also assisted by the fact that her opponent is a really old fat guy. Impa watches in terror as the two battle)

Rauonjii: You fight quite well, Miss Nabootena!

Nabootena: Thanks... GRRR! (swings at Rauonjii's rose)

Rauonjii: It'll take more than- Oh... oh man... ugh... (pulls a Twinkie out of his pocket) Mmm... oh mmm... that's so good...

(Rauru fights Nabooru with one hand while eating a Twinkie with the other)

Nabootena: That's it! This next one is for Impthy AND Saraba! Take this, you big dumb jerk!

(She backflips all the way to the edge of the tower, then handsprings over and over again, screaming wildly, until...)

Nabootena: GERUDOOOOOO... SPIN ATTACK!

(She spins around wildly, and Rauru doesn't even see it coming)

Sound FX Guy: CHHHHHNK!

(Everything freezes. Nabooru hits the ground, and Rauru continues chewing the Twinkie. Impa watches with interest. Suddenly, there is a gust of wind and yellow rose petals fill the air)

Rauonjii: WHAAAA?!? HEY! MY ROSE! IT'S GONE!

Impthy: The winner is Miss Nabootena!

Nabootena: YESSS! UH HUH UH HUH UH HUHHHH! WOOOOO! (does touchdown shimmy)

(Brief scene change where we see Link watching the fight from a balcony on the other tower of the castle through those dumb little binoculars)

Louga: She WON! Ooh, baby! You've lit my pants on fire!

(... that was wrong. OK, back to the arena.)

Rauonjii: (is eating Twinkie as he collapses to his knees) NO! It can't be! I, Rauonjii... Vice President of the Student Council... Lost to this... this... GIRL!?!

Nabootena: Not just any girl! I'm a Gerudo!

Impthy: (suddenly full of spirit) And not just any Gerudo, she's a REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO!

Rauonjii: I... (chew chew chew) can't... LOSE! NO!

Impthy: (takes sword from Rauru) Goodbye... classmate Rauonjii!

Rauonjii: THAT'S MR. RAUONJII TO- uh... oh wait. AW, MAN! BUT IMPTHY! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

Impthy: That's what they all say, you oppressive pig. Come on, Miss Nabootena! You are the school's new dueling champion, and the new holder of the Rose Bride!

Nabootena: Um... no.

Impthy: Huh? Whaddya mean, NO?

Nabootena: I don't want to OWN you, Impthy. I want you to go about your business.

Impthy: But this is my business.

Nabootena: No, really, it's OK. I don't want to be part of this whole dueling gig. I just wanted to teach him a lesson for being mean to you and Saraba.

Impthy: But you won! You beat the school champion!

Nabootena: So good for me! OK, see you in class Impthy, bye.

Impthy: (steps in front of her) It doesn't work that way, Miss Nabootena. You are now engaged to the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: EEH!?

Impthy: Figuratively speaking, of course. And school rules say the winner of the duel has to remain engaged to the Rose Bride, as well as take up any other dueling challenges that come up.

Nabootena: And what if I don't?

Impthy: You get expelled.

Nabootena: WHAAA?! What kind of moronic rule is that?

Impthy: I don't know, Miss Nabootena.

Nabootena: All right, all right: First things first. Stop calling me Miss Nabootena. It's... Nabootena. Got it?

Impthy: Yes, Nabootena.

Nabootena: Rule #2... don't go around telling everyone we're engaged. I don't swing that way.

Impthy: OK.

Nabootena: Rule #3... you're allowed to do whatever you want whenever you want to. You don't have to ask me for permission for everything.

Impthy: Cool.

Nabootena: And Rule #4... you're free, I order you not to be the Rose Bride anymore.

Impthy: You can't tell me to do that.

Nabootena: Why not?

Impthy: Because I'm the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: UUHHGGGGH! Fine, fine... All right... Come on. Let's go back to our rooms...

Impthy: I don't have a room.

Nabootena: You don't?

Impthy: I have to stay in your room.

Nabootena: (rolls eyes) OK... OK... well, I'm in the East Dorm. First room in the door. Can't miss it. No one else is in the East Dorm.

Impthy: Yes, Mi- Er, Nabootena!

Nabootena: OK, go pack your stuff and move in or whatever you want to do... I need some coffee...

(Impa runs off to pack her things, and Nabooru walks away, mumbling about something. Rauru starts sobbing pathetically)

Rauonjii: OH GREAT- NOW I'M OUT OF TWINKIES AND I'VE LOST THE DUEL! WAAA!

Impthy: Oh, by the way Nabootena-

Nabootena: Hmm?

Impthy: As part of your job as school champion, you have to help me put this sword back in.

Nabootena: (eyes widen)

Impthy: I'll get the Neosporin, you bring some gauze, OK?

Nabootena: Uh... yeah... OK... sure...

(They both walk away, Nabooru shakes her head)

Nabootena: Holy crap, what have I gotten into NOW?! ALL I WANT IS MY STINKIN' PRINCE! AAGGH!


(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!


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