Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ The Black Rose Saga In A Nutshell - (DUDE! There's A SWORD In My Chest!) ( Chapter 7 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N:

(Galaxy Girl walks out onstage)

GG: Hello everyone... I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but King Zora will no longer be able to join us here on RGN. Ya see... He ate a bad gallon of tuna-juice last night, and he's currently getting his stomach pumped. So instead, the character of Zokage will be played by Mikau. And since his name is so close to the real name of the character, Mikage, I'm changing the character's name to "Mikauge"

Mikau: (pokes his head onstage) Um... Hi?

GG: (throws a pink wig on him and hands him a boy's school uniform) Here, put this on and be ready in 5 seconds.

Mikau: Whaa?

GG: HURRY!

Mikau: WAA!

GG: Also... There will be some major discrepancies in this chapter of the story from the actual show. On the show, the Black Rose duels took place between episodes 14-29. And with mine, they take place between... One chapter. Heh heh... So, it really wasn't this insane on the show. I'm just doing this for comedy.

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She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something; you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

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LAST TIME, ON REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO NABOORU...


Zokage/Mikauge: (Instead of the chunky King Zora, is played by Mikau) You said that once Nabootena defeats all the duelists, she'll have to fight you.

Dakio: Yes.

Mikauge: But what if there were more duelists?

Dakio: ...That's impossible! You can't duel unless you have a Triforce signet ring!

Mikauge: And the only people who have those are in the Student Council, right?

Dakio: Right. Oh, and Nabootena.

Mikauge: So obviously, my dear colleague, we must hand out MORE signet rings!

Dakio: ... HEY WAIT A SEC! We can't do that! Only the truly worthy are allowed to carry a ring! Or those who were elected onto the council with a 2/3 majority vote!

Mikauge: You don't understand, Dakio. There are plenty of worthy people here in the school. You just haven't been looking for them.

Dakio: ... First of all, whaddya mean by "worthy"?

Mikauge: When I say worthy, I mean willing to battle anyone and everyone in order to possess the Bride...

(Cut scene to the booth where the Black Rose Duelists signed up)

Kazoo: I'll kill anyone... ANYONE... who betrays my brother's affections! Like YOU, IMPTHY SHEIKAHMIYA!

Ganae: I'll get my revenge on you, Nabootena Gerudo! No one takes my fiancé and gets away with it!

Malori: You'll pay for rear-ending my car, Zuri! I'll make you pay!

Anjuko: You love everyone else, but not me, Louga, you $#&%&#! SO IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN YOUR LESSON!

Katsuru: Why, Rutanami... Why don't you love me? I'll MAKE you love me!

Saraba: I'm sorry I have to do this, Nabootena... But Rauonjii is forcing me to!

(Cut scene to Darunia and Mikau's office)

Dakio and Mikauge: ... Eeeeeexcellent... BAHAHAHAHAHAA!

HOW WILL ALL THIS TURN OUT? FIND OUT IN THIS CHAPTER OF RGN:

(GG runs across the stage with a poster board with the episode name scribbled on it)

THE BLACK ROSE SAGA IN A NUTSHELL -or- DUDE, THERE'S A SWORD IN MY CHEST!

(Scene: The courtyard. It's a lovely Saturday morning, and Nabooru and Impa are out for a stroll)

Nabootena: It's a lovely day, isn't it, Impthy?

Impthy: Oh yes, Nabootena! It's gorgeous! And I'm happy that we finally got Nachu back in his own body!

Nachu: (perched on Impa's shoulder) NACHU! NACHU!

(The two of them walk by Rauru, who has a large bandage on his head from his little... "accident" in the tree)

Impthy: Good morning, Rauonjii!

Rauonjii: (gives Nabooru the look of death) ...

Nabootena: Hmm. Guess he doesn't feel like talking.

(The two of them shrug and keep walking.)

Impthy: Oh, look! It's Miss Saraba! Just in time for us to go to class with her! (waves) Hello, Miss Saraba!

Saraba: (turns slowly towards them, glares, then turns back around)

Nabootena: ... Rowr. What's the matter with her?

Impthy: I'm not sure, Nabootena... Do you think she's mad at us?

Nabootena: I don't know what I could have said... But whatever it was, it must have been bad if Kazoo's mad at us too.

(She sees Kazoo giving them the death glare from across the courtyard. Ganondorf goes over and waves hello to her, and she punches him in the nose, knocking him to the ground)

Impthy: And it really must have been bad if Malori is mad at us too.

Malori: (throws them the death glare from the parking lot, just as Zelda rear-ends her car. She leaps out of the car and into Zelda's, and starts hitting her mercilessly)

Nabootena: And it must have been downright HORRIBLE if Katsuru is mad at us too!

(Kafei throws them the death glare from the line he is standing in with his class of 4th graders. As Ruto walks by with her lackeys, he gives her a look of utter hatred.)

Impthy: Hmm... And it must have been horrible enough to insult half the people reading this right now if that one of Miss Rutanami's lackeys is mad at us too!

(Anju glares and shakes her fist at them, then sees Link approaching from the north. She throws him an even worse look, and he speeds up to get away from her.)

Nabootena: And it must have been as controversial as an Eminem song if that random woman I've never seen before is mad at us.

(Female Medigoron gives them the death glare, followed by one that could kill you if looks could kill.)

Impthy: I wonder what we said?

Nabootena: (thinks) Hmm... Oh well.

(Scene: The elevator thing)

Louga: If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick... Even though only two of us really are chicks. The rest of us are studs... Yeah... studly roosters... Ooohh...

Student Council: WILL YOU JUST GET ON WITH IT?

(Scene: The student council tower)

Louga: (holding an envelope, screaming) THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Rauonjii: It's outrageous!

Zuri: IMPOSSIBLE!

Giki: RIDICULOUS!

Rutanami: UNBELIEVABLE!

Louga: There CAN'T be another duel tonight at midnight, there just CAN'T BE! There are no more duelists!

Giki: Nabootena beat all of us, so why does she have to fight again?

Zuri: And even more weird, why do all of us have to go with her?

Rutanami: No WAY! I am NOT going up there again! I hate Nabootena, I hate dueling, and I hate that tower!

Louga: But Rutanami, we have to do what End of the World says!

Rauonjii: Says who? I refuse to take anymore orders from that idiot! If he really wants us to listen, why doesn't HE come down here and say it?

Giki: (collapses into a chair) Maybe... Maybe the duel tonight is the Duel Called Revolution!

Zuri: No way! You don't think... (grabs forehead)

Rauonjii: NABOOTENA? Fight the Duel Called Revolution? What a load of crap! No way!

Louga: It does seem early for the Duel Called Revolution...

Rutanami: ... What's the Duel Called Revolution?

Giki: It's the final duel. The last one of them all! If the possessor of the Rose Bride can make it all the way to the Duel Called Revolution and win... Then the Power will be theirs!

Rutanami: Oh. HEY WAIT A SEC! I don't WANT Nabootena to get the power! I-

Louga: Shut up, Rutanami, and let's discuss this like the intelligent, civilized people we are...

Zuri: INTELLIGENT? (looks at Ganondorf)

Giki: CIVILIZED? (looks at Rauru)

Louga: WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP?

(They all shut up)

Louga: ... Regardless of what we think, End of the World obviously wants us to go to the arena tonight with Nabootena. We'd better do it. And as for who she's dueling, I don't know that either. But we'll find out, won't we?

Zuri: He's right. We don't have a choice...

(They all sigh)

Rauonjii: But are we allowed to bring snacks?

(They all face-fault, except for Rauru)

(Scene: The East Dorm. Nabooru has just received a message that another duel must be fought that night)

Nabootena: No way... If all the Student Council duelists have been defeated... then who am I fighting this time?

Impthy: I have no idea, Nabootena! Maybe... Maybe this is the Duel Called Revolution!

Nabootena: You really think so?

Impthy: Yes! Maybe, if you win tonight, you'll unlock the Power to Revolutionize the World!

Nabootena: (falls back on her bed) That would be great... This means you're finally almost free, Impthy!

Impthy: (blushes) Oh... N-Nabootena?

Nabootena: Hmm?

Impthy: Why did you decide to set me free anyway? After Louga beat you... You could have just quit.

Nabootena: I decided to free you because I can't stand to see girls in trouble.

Impthy: Oh...

Nabootena: And, you're my best friend.

Impthy: Oh...

Nabootena: Don't be worried, Impthy. Nothing's gonna stop me from keeping my promise and setting you free!

Impthy: Thank you, Nabootena.

Nabootena: No problem at all! Mmm... (rolls over in her bed) Wake me up at 6, OK? I want to start getting ready for the duel then... And since I don't have anything else to do today, I want to take a nap.

Impthy: Of course, Nabootena! What would you like me to do until then?

Nabootena: (yawns) Mmm... I dunno... You could go see if Giki wants to play music again... Or you could go water the flowers. Or whatever you want to-

(The doorbell rings)

Nabootena: Oh, poo. Could you get that?

Impthy: Of course, Nabootena.

(Impa answers the door, and sees Darunia standing there)

Dakio: CIAO! Hello, Impthy.

Impthy: Hello, dear brother.

Nabootena: (sits up) You again?

Dakio: Yes, Miss Nabootena, me again. I was wondering if Impthy had anything to do this afternoon. I need her to help me do some things up in my office.

Nabootena: Oh... Impthy? Weren't you going to meet Giki?

Impthy: No, I'm not busy, dear brother.

Dakio: (smiles smugly) Good. OK then, we'll leave you to your rest, Nabootena... Unless... (suavely) unless you want to come too...?

Nabootena: Why do you want me to come? What, are you taking her on a date?

Dakio: Of course not. I just thought it might be nice for the two of us to... (winks) Get to know each other better...

Nabootena: (makes a disgusted face) Oh, gag me with a spoon.

Dakio: Fair enough. Come on, Impthy. CIAO! (backflips out the door)

Impthy: See you later, Nabootena!

(Darunia and Impa leave, and Nabooru settles back into her bed)

Nabootena: That guy is disgusting... Ugh... Wait a sec-

(She sits up quickly and runs to the window, looking outside. She sees Impa get into Darunia's car [DUN DUN DUNNN], and her eyes widen as they drive away.)

Nabootena: OH MY FRICKIN'... AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH! OH, GROSS! THAT'S DISGUSTING! IMPTHY RODE IN HIS CAR! EEWWW!

(Scene: The bottom of the steps to the dueling arena, that night at 11:30. Nabooru and Impa are there, and Link and the rest of the Student Council are right behind them)

Nabootena: So... how does this work?

Louga: I think Impthy goes first, then you, then the rest of us.

Nabootena: Ah. OK, go ahead Impthy.

Impthy: (nods) Yes, Miss Nabootena. (walks up the stairs)

Nabootena: And now... me?

Louga: That would be my guess.

(Nabooru takes one step onto the dueling arena stairs and guitar chords of the "Really Long and Annoying Weird Song" start up. Every step she takes, the song progresses further. Right behind her follows the Student Council.)

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING WEIRD SONG!

IT GETS!
IRRITATING!
TRYING TO!
THINK OF!
RANDOM THINGS!
ALL DAY!
ALL DAY!

LYNYRD SKYNYRD!
PETSMART!
LAS VEGAS!
HOLLYWOOD!
AMAZON!
AMAZON!

RUBBER DUCKS!
DONALD DUCK!
NANI DESU KAN!
SORCERER!
SORCERER!
EVERYBODY'S!
GOT SOMETHING!
TO HIDE!
EXCEPT!
ME AND!
MY MONKEY!

EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! RESOLUTION! SUBSITUTION! LOOK-AT-YOU-TION! WE-DON'T-MAKE-NO-SENSE-A-TUTION... boom.

(Nabooru and the student council reach the top of the tower, and they all stop, crashing into each other.)

All: WHAT THE...?

(Impa is standing in the center of the tower, looking somewhat confused. On the other side of the tower from the Student Council stand the Black Rose Duelists- in matching black dueling outfits. They are all smiling evilly, but they have no swords)

Nabootena: What the HECK is going on here?! Saraba, what are you doing here?

Giki: Kazoo?

Zuri: Malori?

Rutanami: Katsuru? Anjuko?!

Rauonjii: And Miss Ganae!

Black Rose Duelists: WE SWEAR BY THE BLACK ROSE TO BRING DEATH TO THE ROSE BRIDE!

Louga: (steps out in front of everyone, holding his hands out) WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, wait. I think an explanation is in order, you guys! What are all six of you doing up here in the dueling tower? Not only can only one person duel at a time, but you guys don't even HAVE signet rings!

Anjuko: Wanna bet? (holds up her hand, shows off her black ring)

Student Council: (gasp)

Zuri: MALORI! TELL ME WHERE YOU GOT THOSE RINGS!

Malori: I don't have to tell YOU anything, Zuri... All I need to say is that the Rose Bride and the power to revolutionize the world will be MINE!

Ganae: No, MINE!

Katsuru: (smacks her leg) No, MINE!

Anjuko: You little cretin! MINE!

Saraba: MINE!

Kazoo: YOU'RE ALL LYING! SHE'S MINE!

(The squabble goes on for a minute, and the Student Council guys all scratch their heads. Finally, Ganondorf decides to get some answers.)

Giki: (steps out in front) Kazoo... Why are you all doing this? Why do you want to kill Impthy?

Kazoo: (hysterical) BECAUSE I'M YOUR SHINING THING! Y'HERE ME?!

Giki: Kazoo! Stop this right this instant! (stepping towards her)

Impthy: Mr. Giki, don't! She's not herself!

Kazoo: (stomping towards Ganondorf) YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, YOU LITTLE WITCH! This is between Giki, Nabootena, and me!

Giki: Kazoo, I just want to know why you're all-

Kazoo: CAUSE I HATE YOU! (tries to slap him, he catches her hand)

Giki: Kazoo, come on! I'm your brother!

Kazoo: (smirks, sets her hand on his chest) You're not my brother... You're just my sword block!

Giki: What? (his chest starts to glow dark blue, the color of Kazoo's hair) WHAT THE- AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

(Ganondorf falls backwards, and Kazoo catches him, PULLING A SWORD OUT OF HIS CHEST.)

All: (.).(.)

Kazoo: (holds the sword up, we see that it's identical to the one Ganondorf used in his duel with Nabooru) GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Nabootena: HOLY FRIGGIN' HELL! GIKI'S A ROSE BRIDE!

Impthy: Oh my goodness!

Giki: (face contorted in agony, squeaks) MOTHER... (falls over unconscious)

Zuri: (steps forward) WHAT THE HELL!? KAZOO! HOW IN THE HECK DID YOU...

Malori: (smiles evilly) Don't act so surprised, Zuri! (walks up to her)

Zuri: YOU GET AWAY FROM ME! (panicking, backing away) WHAT DID YOU DO TO GIKI?

Malori: The same thing I'm gonna do to you! THIS IS FOR MY CAR, YOU @$&%&!

Zuri: Huh? (... Her chest starts to glow the same orange-red as Malon's hair) GAAAAH!

(Zelda falls backwards and Malon catches her, pulling a sword exactly like Zelda's out of her chest, then dropping her)

Malori: GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Zuri: SWEET MOTHER OF... THAT HURT! (falls over unconscious on top of Ganondorf)

All: (.).(.)

Nabootena: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Rutanami: Zuri's a Rose Bride TOO?

Rauonjii: Of course not! There's only ONE Rose Bride, and that's Impthy!

Rutanami: YOU IDIOT! (smacks him in the back of the head) DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT?!

Katsuru: (smiles, trots over to Ruto's side) Don't you remember me, Rutanami?

Rutanami: KATSURU! You... you stay away!

Katsuru: BUT RUTANAMI, I LOVE YOU! And that's why I hate to do this, but...

Rutanami: (her chest starts to glow the same color as Kafei's hair) HEY! THAT... KEEEYAAAH! (a sword handle pops out) AGGGH, NO! (she shoves it back in) I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE A ROSE BRIDE! I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE A ROSE BRIDE!

Katsuru: No argument here! NOW HOLD STILL!

Rutanami: NOOO! (scampers across the top of the tower, trying to hold the sword in her chest)

Katsuru: You're making this harder than it has to be!

Rutanami: WAH! (trips on Ganondorf's body, falls to her knees) YOU AND YOUR STUPID FAT BUTT, GIKI! AAGGGH... (the sword handle pops out again)

(Kafei catches Ruto over one knee, and pulls not one, but TWO swords, just like the ones Ruto used against Nabooru out of her chest)

Katsuru: GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Rutanami: BIG... BROTHER! (collapses, unconscious, on top of Zelda)

Louga: Well, whaddya know? My annoying, creepy little sister is a Rose Bride! ... That doesn't make any sense at all. (looks at Rauru)

Rauonjii: (shrugs, looks at Nabooru)

Nabootena: (shrugs, looks at Impa)

Impthy: (shrugs) Um... could you please explain what's going on?

Saraba: I'LL TELL YA! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU IGNORING ME, RAUONJII!

Rauonjii: YOU!? I already told you, you idiot! I'm in love with one person, and one person only! And she's standing right there! (points at Impa)

Saraba: (walks over to him, pokes his chest) I have a feeling you'll change your mind...

Rauonjii: (his chest starts to glow lime green, like Saria's hair) NOOOOO! MUST... RUN... MUST... RUN... (starts to waddle away, immediately stops) TOO... FAT... TOO... FAT...

(Rauru falls over backwards, smacking into the pavement before Saria can catch him. Shrugging, she grabs a sword out of his chest that looks just like Rauru's own sword, and holds it up in the air)

Saraba: GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Rauonjii: OH GODDESSES, I'D KILL FOR A TWINKIE... (passes out next to Ruto, Ganondorf and Zelda)

(Link and Nabooru give each other EXTREMELY confused looks, and Link clears his throat)

Nabootena: So... Rauonjii's a Rose Bride too?

Louga: (steps over Rauru's unconscious body) Um... listen, kids... This is kind of getting ridiculous, so could we please... Um... TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Anjuko: (walks over to Link, smiling) Hello, Louga... Could you please come here a second?

Louga: (goes white) UH, NO! YOU JUST... YOU STAY THERE!

Anjuko: Oh, but if I do that, Mr. President... I CAN'T DO THIS!

(Link freezes, as his chest start to glow dark red like Anju's hair)

Louga: Oh... no... (wails) I CAN'T BE A ROSE BRIDE, I'M A SEXY BABE!

Nabootena: (gags) RUN LOUGA!

Louga: FEET, DON'T FAIL ME NOW! (starts to run away, as the sword handle appears) OW! DAMN!

Anjuko: C'MERE!

Louga: NOOOO! (stuffs the sword handle back in) I WILL NOT BE A SWORD BLOCK! I'm too GORGEOUS to be a sword block! (runs as hard as he can)

Impthy: Mr. President, NO! Never run with a sword in your chest!

Louga: AND WHY NOT? (trips on Rauru, hits the ground face-first) UWAGH!

Nabootena: (gasps) Ewww...

(The sword is now sticking out of Link's back, giving the illusion that he was run through.)

Louga: AAGGH...

Anjuko: NOW MAYBE YOU'LL HOLD STILL! (throws Link over her leg, yanks a sword just like Link's out of his chest and throws him onto the pavement in a pile with the others) GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Louga: (just like Jerry Lewis) OY HAVEN LAYVEN, SAVE ME FROM THE LA-DY! (collapses, unconscious, on top of Ruto in the big pile)

Nabootena: NYAH! (steps backwards) Impthy, come here... (scratches head, surveying the bodies of all 5 Student Council members and the 5 armed Black Rose Duelists across the way) Well. Now I have seen everything.

Ganae: NOT EVERYTHING!

Nabootena: (looks at her chest, sees that it's glowing tan) Oh, damn. GYAAAAAH!

(Female Medigoron catches her, and pulls a replica of the Sword of Lios out of her chest. Of course, it's really small for Medigoron.)

Ganae: GIVE ME THE POWER TO BRING THE WORLD REVOLUTION!

Nabootena: YAAAAAAAAHHH... (collapses to her knees) Ok... NOW I've seen everything...

Impthy: Here you go, Nabootena. (hands Nabooru a bottle of non-aspirin homeopathic pain pills)

Nabootena: (swallows a few) WHAT on EARTH is GOING ON? The whole Student Council is lying probably dead in a big pile at my feet, there are six people who are not duelists across the tower from me, and I JUST GOT A DAMN SWORD PULLED OUT OF MY CHEST!

Anjuko: Why, I'd have thought you'd guessed by now, Miss Nabootena!

Ganae: We're the Black Rose Duelists!

Kazoo: AND WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU AND THE ROSE BRIDE!

Malori: AND Y'KNOW WHY WE'RE GOING TO DO IT?

Katsuru: BECAUSE YOU TORE US AWAY FROM THE ONES WE LOVE WITH THAT STUPID ROSE BRIDE OF YOURS!

Saraba: And now we want revenge!

Nabootena: There's something wrong with all of you! It's those rings, isn't it?! I thought you were all acting strange lately! Saraba, please...

Saraba: DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M YOUR FRIEND!

Nabootena: (stands up) ... You are my friend.

Saraba: ... Oh yeah. WELL ANYWAY! We're all going to duel you, whether you like it or not! And there's no way you can win against all 6 of us at once!

Nabootena: We'll see! Impthy, if you please...

Impthy: Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and obey your master! AIE!

(The only person who is supposed to get a sword pulled out of his/her chest gets the Sword of Lios pulled out of her chest.)

Nabootena: Give ME the power to bring the world revolution!

Black Rose Duelists: (point swords at Nabooru) GRR!

Nabootena: (points sword at Black Rose Duelists) GRR yourselves!

Black Rose Duelists: HIYAAAAA!

Nabootena: HIYAAAAAAAA!

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SHADOW PLAY! SHADOW PLAY!

(Scene: The shadow play stage. Honey is surrounded by the others, who are holding big sticks and knives and other various sharp things)

M-ko: Now you'll pay for the tricks you've played!

H-ko: It wasn't me!

G-ko: YEAH-YEAH RIGHT! YEAH-YEAH RIGHT!

T-ko: We will beat you and beat you and beat you until your momma don't know it's you! Kooloo-LIMPAH!

D-ko: Yeah, you'll pay for flirting with my Honey!

H-ko: But I am your Honey!

D-ko: ... I don't care!

H-ko: (suddenly wearing a Rose Bride dress, clasps hands together as if in prayer) OH BRAVE HERO! Will you save me from these mobsters? Or are they too much for you?!

S-ko: (swings down from above on a rope with an anvil tied to it, holding a sword) HIYAA!

(Skullkid impales all the other guys with his sword, and they all fall as if dead)

All other Shaodw Guys: UGH!

H-ko: Oh BRAVE HERO! You've saved me! But there are more dangers up ahead!

S-ko: More dangers? Don't be silly!

H-ko: Yes it's true, because remember...

S-ko: (is wiped out by the anvil as it swings back) OOCH!

H-ko: Everything you swing can come back again!

G-ko: (sits up off the ground) I KNEW THAT! I KNEW THAT!

T-ko: Did you know? Kooloo-Limpah?

All: DID YOU KNOW, DID YOU KNOW, DID YOU REALLY, REALLY KNOW?

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(Scene: Just as the duel starts, we see Mikau and Darunia watching it from Darunia's office.)

Mikauge: It's working out perfectly, Sir. Now, we sit back and watch her lose...

Nabootena: AGGGH! (engaged in swordplay with Kafei)

Dakio: Sorry, pal. Can't. I've got places to go and people to screw over.

Mikauge: (eyes widen, turns away from the screen just as Nabooru knocks the light purple rose from Kafei's chest. Kafei screams, and falls on the ground like he's dead) What? But didn't you say...

Dakio: I know what I said, Mikauge. But I'm changing my mind. I've got a date. Someone I think you know.

(Darunia pushes open the door to his office, and we see Lulu Zora, of Majora's Mask fame.)

Lulu: Dakio, are you- (sees Mikau) Oh... I... I'm sorry... (turns around, grabs Darunia's arm and pulls him out the door) Let's go, Dakio...

Dakio: CIAO! (winks at Mikau)

Mikauge: (gasps, sits silently) Lulu...?

(Mikau gazes back at the screen to see Nabooru having it out with Malon. Malon narrowly misses Nabooru's rose, and Nabooru pushes her to the ground as Kazoo attacks her)

Mikauge: Not Lulu... Dakio, please! (stands up, runs to the window)

(He sees Darunia holding the door of his car open for Lulu. BUM BUM BUMMMMM...)

Mikauge: (grabs his chest) Lulu! DAKIO! YOU BASTARD! (slams his hand on the desk, destroying a small glass statue of Darunia) YOU KNOW I'M IN LOVE WITH HER, YOU BASTARD! YOU BACK-STABBING FIEND!

(Mikau collapses onto the floor near the TV monitor, and bursts into tears. Catching one tear on his finger, [?] he holds it up to the glare of the TV monitor and starts breathing heavily)

Mikauge: ... You'll pay... I'm going to ruin you, you double-crossing bastard...

(He stands up, and races to the wall, plucking one of Darunia's prized replicas of 18th Century Scottish Army swords off of its holder. He unsheaths it, admires the Rose Signet on his finger, and stomps out of the office)

(Scene: Back at the dueling arena. Kafei lies unconscious, the Black Rose Signet on his finger completely disintegrated. Malon takes a whack at Nabooru's rose, and Nabooru ducks and wipes out hers instead. Malon screams and collapses, her ring disintegrating into dust)

Ganae: HIIIYIYA!

Nabootena: I TAKE OFFENSE AT HAVING A SWORD PULLED OUT OF MY CHEST! WAA!

(She does a spin-slash, and wipes Medigoron's very big rose out. Medigoron shrieks, and collapses, her ring disappearing.)

Kazoo: You're very skilled, Nabootena...

Anjuko: But so are we...

Saraba: And we won't let you beat us all!

Anjuko: YEAAAAAAAAAAH!

Nabootena: (holds out her sword, Anju accidentally impales her rose on it)

Anjuko: ... HEY! (screams and falls over, unconscious)

Nabootena: (smiles) And then there were two...

Kazoo: Stand back, Saraba! I'm going to teach her a lesson on my own!

(Kazoo engages in violent swordplay with Nabooru, who does all she can to keep from being blown away by her fellow Gerudo's amazing sword moves.)

Kazoo: YOUR STUPID ROSE BRIDE STOLE MY GIKI FROM ME!

Nabootena: Wow, what a coincidence! And you yanked a sword out of him! I don't think he'll like that very much...

Kazoo: SHADDUP! YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY BROTHER!

Nabootena: I do know one thing about your family, though.

Kazoo: Oh?

Nabootena: You and Giki are very clumsy. (sticks out her foot)

Kazoo: Wah? (trips, hits the ground) AIEEE!

Nabootena: Bye, Kazoo! (stabs Kazoo's rose.)

Kazoo: NOOOOOOOOOO! (faints, her ring disintegrating)

Saraba: And then there was one...

Nabootena: Saraba... Why?

Saraba: You know why, Nabootena... I'm in love with Rauonjii! And nothing will stop me from destroying Impthy so he will be in love with me too!

Nabootena: He's really not that great of a guy, Saraba. Look! (points at Rauru, who has made another dent in the roof of the school.) He just got back from being expelled! And we had to take special care that when he fell unconscious it wasn't on top of the others! He's so FAT.

Saraba: They say that love is blind, Nabootena...

Nabootena: And in this case, it's true.

Saraba: (glares) YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! YAAAAH! (rushes at Nabooru, who barely avoids her sword)

Nabootena: (thinking) She fights the same way as Rauonjii!

Saraba: I know what you're thinking... I'm just a little weenie, huh? Well I'll show you! I've been watching Rauonjii using kendo since I first saw him! And now I'll use HIS moves on you!

Nabootena: All except for the one where he pulls something out of his shirt, please.

Saraba: (eyes flare open, snorts) WILL YOU STOP BEING MEAN TO HIM? WAAA!

(Nabooru sidesteps her)

Nabootena: Come on, Saraba. There are plenty of other guys here! Everyone else seems to like Louga, why don't you?

Saraba: Because he's a jerk! And a creep! And a butthead! And a jerky, creepy, butthead!

Nabootena: (scratches chin) Where have I heard that before...

Saraba: IT'S WHAT YOU CALLED RAUONJII! NOW I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Nabootena: (sighs) I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, Saraba, but... (turns around, pats her own back) Come on! Glomp me! You know you want to, come on girl! Be a good little weird best friend and glomp me!

Saraba: (blushes) I... No!

Nabootena: Come on, my protests have never stopped you before. You want to glomp me and you know it! Think of how fun it is!

Saraba: (grits teeth) I won't do it!

Nabootena: Just pretend I'm Rauonjii... (puffs out cheeks, pretends to eat a Twinkie) MMM... TWINKIE...

Saraba: (loses it) AW, THE HELLWITHIT! MISS NABOOTENA, MY BOYFRIEND!

(Saria flings herself onto Nabooru's back with the force of a speeding car, and Nabooru plucks the rose from her chest)

Nabooru: Sorry, kid. (throws the rose on the ground)

Saraba: Hey, wait- AGGGGGHHH! (falls over backwards, and unconscious. Her ring disintegrates)

Nabootena: (sighs, wipes the sweat from her forehead) I did it! Impthy, look! I beat all of the Black Rose Duelists!

Mikauge: All, you say?

Nabootena: (turns around, to see Mikau holding his sword to Impthy's neck) HEY! WHO ARE YOU?

Impthy: MISS NABOOTENA! BE CAREFUL!

Nabootena: Hey, you! Pink-haired fish guy! Leave her alone!

Mikauge: My name is Mikauge! And I've come for the power!

Nabootena: What?

Mikauge: I want the power to revolutionize the world! And I want it NOW! Give it to me!

Nabootena: Hey man, calm down! Just leave Impthy alone, and we'll discuss it!

Mikauge: I'M SICK OF DISCUSSING THINGS! I want that power, and I'll kill anyone who gets in my way!

Nabootena: Oh, another one of those guys, are you? (motions to all the unconscious Black Rose duelists)

Mikauge: Actually, I'm NOT. I'm a close, personal... FORMER friend of the headmaster, and I want the power to revolutionize the world, because I'm going to kill him!

Nabootena: (eyes widen) Now, why would you want to kill the headmaster? His son Dakio would be awfully sad.

Mikauge: Of course he would! DAKIO IS THE HEADMASTER!

Nabootena: (blinks) What? He IS?

Impthy: He IS?

Mikauge: QUIET, YOU!

Impthy: OK, OK, sorry...

Mikauge: He stole from me the only thing I had left! And now I want to kill him!

Nabootena: Why do you have a ring?

Mikauge: I... I... (scratches head) Actually, I don't know why I have a ring! The Author hasn't watched enough of the series to know that! But I think it's because I'm... Oh, who cares? I JUST HAVE ONE, AND I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT POWER!

Nabootena: But... uh... Mr. Mikauge, I don't have the power.

Mikauge: Of course you don't! But you're going to get it if you win the Duel Called Revolution, which is coming up next if nothing else gets in the way!

Nabootena: Are you SERIOUS? I'm that close to setting her free? Impthy, didja hear that?

Impthy: (sweating) Uh yeah, great, Nabootena...

Mikauge: YOU'RE MILES AWAY! Because I'm going to beat you and take the power! Because once I take the power, I'm going to use it for a really GOOD purpose... To set Lios free!

Nabootena: ... Yeah... me too.

Mikauge: But I can't let YOU take revenge on Dakio... I WANNA DO IT! I'm going to set Lios free and kill him!

Nabootena: Why... why would that kill him?

Mikauge: (giggles) Don't act so naïve, Nabootena... Don't you know why Dakio is so terrified of the castle being opened?

Nabootena: (blinks) No.

Mikauge: It's because his other half is up there! Lios, the Prince!

Nabootena: (eyes pop out) WHAT?! DAKIO IS MY PRINCE?!?!

Mikauge: Yes... You see, Lios is truly Impthy here's Sworn Brother. But somehow, one day, they died... Actually, LIOS died... In dying, he saved Impthy's life. Lios is now imprisoned in the castle, his "reward" for sacrificing himself to save his Sworn Sister... Dakio is the evil, horny side of Lios... He is still quite alive... And if Lios is set free, then Dakio will cease to exist! THAT is the Revolution, Nabootena! There is no real power! The power is Lios!

Nabootena: (blinks) That sounded like a really major plot point... Impthy... is this... true?

Impthy: (looks sad, nods) If Lios is freed, I will be freed too... He is my free will. Until he is set free, though, I remain here, the Rose Bride, a living corpse.

Nabootena: ... Ew. And what about the sword?

Mikauge: (snorts) It's the only part of Lios that still remains with Impthy... the rest is either trapped in the castle, or part of that bloodsucking, worthless hunk of fat called Dakio!

Nabootena: (nods) Ah. I see... And how about the Student Council and me? How come we all have swords in our chests?

Mikauge: (snorts) Now THAT, you're on your own with. I had no idea that was going to happen.

Nabootena: I see... so you want to beat me so that you can set Lios free, killing Dakio? Why do you hate him so much?

Mikauge: HE STOLE MY LULU! HE KNEW I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER, BUT HE TOOK HER IN THE CAR ANYWAY!

Nabootena: ... Ewww... OK then! If you want to battle me, then get on with it and do it!

Mikauge: Gladly... (throws Impa down) BWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(The chorus singers repeat the Long and Annoying Weird Song as Mikau and Nabooru duel, dodging all the bodies on the ground.)

Impthy: (shakes head) All the violence... Tsk, tsk.

Mikauge: THE POWER WILL BE MINE, NABOOTENA!

Nabootena: NO WAY!

(Mikauge lunges at her, and she sidesteps him, tripping over Medigoron and falling down)

Nabootena: OOF!

Mikauge: AAHAHAHA! (jumps at her, trips over Kazoo and does a face plant) OOF!

Nabootena: (stands up, tries to wipe out Mikau, in the process trips over the pile of Student Council guys and lands on top of Rauru)

Mikauge: AHAHA! (heads for Nabooru, instead trips on Malon and lands on Kafei)

Nabootena: (sees that she has landed on Rauru) Saraba would KILL to be me right now... WAAAAACHA! (narrowly misses Anju, only to trip on the flailing body of Mikau and lands on top of Malon.)

Impthy: (watches the two of them tripping on all the bodies, and rolls her eyes)

~~~ TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT ~~~

Mikauge: (corners Nabooru) I'VE GOT YOU NOW!

Nabootena: Oh yeah? (kicks his leg, he stumbles)

Mikauge: Whoa... (trips on Kafei's body, smacks his face into the ground and his rose falls off) NO!

Nabootena: Sorry, buddy.

Mikauge: NO... NO... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nabootena: Hey... I'll make sure to get rid of Dakio for you, OK?

Mikauge: (bursts into tears) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Nabootena: Man, what a baby...

(She stands there for a moment, watching Mikau cry. Finally, she gets impatient and knocks him over the head with the hilt of her sword. It knocks him unconscious.)

Nabootena: PHEW! SEVEN duels in one night! That's quite enough of that.

Impthy: Nabootena... (points at the Sword of Lios, then at herself)

Nabootena: Gladly...

(The camera focuses on the lovely marble floor of the tower for a moment, and we hear Impa screaming in agony. Finally, all is quiet and Impa falls unconscious on the floor)

Nabootena: (sighs) Now to carry Impthy back to our room, and then I can finally get some rest... Huh?

(She sees the pile of Student Council guys, still unconscious. Nabooru turns around and sees the pile of discarded Black Rose Duelist weapons.)

Nabootena: (sighs) Oh. Well, it's the least I can do...

(Another shot of the floor as we hear Nabooru gathering up all the Black Rose duelist's weapons and her footsteps heading over to the pile. We hear a few bodies hit the floor as she unpiles them. Then...)

Louga: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Rauonjii: AYYYYYYYYAYAYAYAY!

Rutanami: KEYAAAHHH!

Zuri: OOOOOOOCH!

Giki: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWW!

Nabootena: And then... this one... Well, here goes... AAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (whump)

(Nabooru falls unconscious on the floor, adding up to 7 defeated duelists, 5 student council members, 1 Rose Bride and 1 main character girl, 14 total bodies unconscious at the top of the tower, and 50 total pints of blood transfusions needed. Wow. What bloodshed.)

(Scene: The next morning, one of the dorms. Kazoo is asleep in her bed. Suddenly, she wakes up and sits up slowly)

Kazoo: Agh... what happened?

Giki: (from the bathroom) Kazoo? Are you awake?

Kazoo: Yeah... what happened?

Giki: You mean you don't remember?

Kazoo: No... last I remember I was in this booth, and... Did I get sick?

Giki: Oh yeah, ya did.

Kazoo: Oh... thanks for taking care of me.

Giki: Don't mention it. That's what brothers are for!

Kazoo: (leans back) Will you make me a milkshake, please?

Giki: Sure... in a moment.

(In the bathroom, Giki is examining his chest)

Giki: Funny... you'd expect something like that to leave a mark... Hmm... (takes a handful of all-natural homeopathic pain pills, winces) Eehnhh...

(Scene: Another dorm. Malon is brushing her teeth, when the doorbell rings)

Malori: Hold on!

(She answers the door to see Zelda standing there, looking cheerful)

Malori: Oh, hi Zuri!

Zuri: Hi. Are you ready to go to class?

Malori: Yeah, just a moment... Boy, did I have the weirdest dream!

Zuri: Oh yeah? Maybe you could tell me about it on the way over to class. By the way... could I have a glass of water?

Malori: Sure!

(Zelda heads into the kitchenette, pulls out a glass and fills it with water. She pulls out a bottle labeled, "UNCLE ALBERT'S ALL-NATURAL HOMEOPATHIC PAIN PILLS" and takes 8 of them, swallowing them all at once.)

Zuri: (to Malon) You would not BELIEVE the heartburn I've been having...

(Scene: The Hyliana family dorm. Link and Ruto are both lying in their own beds, watching the clock. The clock turns to 9:00, and both of them sit up, racing to the bathroom)

Louga: BACK OFF, IT'S MINE!

Rutanami: I'M YOUNGER, I SHOULD GET IT!

Louga: IT'S BEEN FOUR HOURS SINCE I LAST TOOK MY DOSAGE OF ASPIRIN, YOU HAVE ANOTHER 5 MINUTES TO WAIT!

Rutanami: YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME! THERE'S ONLY ONE DOSE LEFT, ISN'T THERE?

(The camera zooms out of the hallway and into the living room, where the sofa has been made out into a guest bed. Both Kafei and Anju are lying there, eyes wide open, looking love struck)

Anjuko: I... SPENT THE NIGHT... IN LOUGA'S DORM!

Katsuru: I... SPENT THE NIGHT... IN RUTANAMI'S DORM!

Louga and Rutanami: NOTHING HAPPENED, YOU OUT-OF-YOUR-MIND-CRAZY-PEOPLE!

(Both Anju and Kafei giggle childishly)

(Scene: Rauru's dorm. He is collapsed on the couch, packing up box after box of Twinkies in a larger box)

Rauonjii: That's it... no more Twinkies for me! I didn't know they made THAT happen to you...

(As he packs the boxes, he suddenly slows down, then throws the box against the wall)

Rauonjii: Ah, who am I kiddin'? I'LL EAT 'EM ANYWAY! (scarfs down a bunch of Twinkies as the phone rings)

Rauonjii: (mouth full) Hello? Oh, hi Louga... I'm OK, I guess. As OK as you can be when you get a sword yanked out of your chest. I keep getting these KILLER chest pains... NO, THEY'RE NOT FROM A HEART ATTACK, YOU IDIOT! ... Hmm? Saraba? Yeah, I felt guilty, so I went to visit her this morning. She's just fine. And the funny thing is, she doesn't remember a thing...

(Scene: Darunia's office. Female Medigoron is sacked out on the couch, sleeping peacefully. Darunia is at his desk, writing something, and Mikau is pouting in the corner)

Mikauge: So she doesn't remember anything?

Dakio: Nothing at all. You'd think she and Nabootena were old friends... I'm worried, Mikauge. Your stupid plan failed. And next is the Duel Called Revolution...

Mikauge: (snorts) So I've heard. Well, you'd better write out your will then.

Dakio: What? What's that supposed to mean, you ingrate?

Mikauge: You know very well what it means. I'm outta here. You can save your own skin, you bloodsucking insect.

Dakio: Mikauge! GET BACK HERE!

Mikauge: I don't ATTEND this school, Dakio. You can't make me. (stands up, heads out the door) And there's no way that you'll beat Nabootena. She's incredible. She beat me, didn't she?

Dakio: What? When did YOU fight her?

Mikauge: That reminds me... here's your sword. (he hands Darunia a bent, rusty, ruined sword)

Dakio: (gasps) Why you...

Mikauge: Bye, Dakio. I guess this is the last time I'll ever see you... Oh- And say hi to Lios for me... (smiles smugly, walks away)

Dakio: (growls with rage) YOU TRAITOR! I'LL WIN! JUST WATCH! LIOS WILL REMAIN THERE FOREVER, WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE YOUR HELP! (slams fist on desk) THIS IS IT, NABOOTENA GERUDO! YOU'VE PASSED EVERY OTHER CHALLENGE... NOW, YOU PREPARE TO MEET ME! AND TRUST ME, I WON'T GO EASY ON YOU! (laughs evilly)

Ganae: WILL YOU SHADDUP, DAKIO?! I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP.

Dakio: (shuts up) Eech, sorry, darling...

Ganae: (rolls over, mumbling)

Dakio: (snickers, starts laughing evilly again, but very quietly)

(Scene: The East Dorm. Nabooru wakes up to Impa cooking breakfast)

Nabootena: Jeez... my chest is killing me...

Impthy: Good morning, Nabootena! What a crazy night we had, huh?

Nabootena: Yeah... 6 whole duels...

Impthy: 7.

Nabootena: What? (stumbles out to the table) No, there were 6, remember? Saraba, Anjuko, Katsuru, Kazoo, Malori and Ganae.

Impthy: And Mikauge.

Nabootena: Who now?

Impthy: ... Mikauge.

Nabootena: Who's he?

Impthy: He told you all about my brother, remember?

Nabootena: ... You must have had a dream, Impthy. There's no one named Mikauge here.

Impthy: (thinking) ... Getting the sword put back in must have made her lose her memory... She can't remember anything that happened 10 minutes before she did it... I wish I could tell her, but... Dakio...

(The door bell rings)

Impthy: Oh, I'll-

Nabootena: Oh no, please... let me get it.

(Nabooru opens the door and sees Darunia standing there.)

Dakio: CIAO! Good morning, Miss Nabootena... I was here to see if you wanted to come out for breakfast with me.

Nabootena: Oh, but Impthy-

Dakio: Oh, come now... You mustn't be afraid to have a little fun now and then. Come on. My treat.

Nabootena: But what about Impthy?

Dakio: Oh, you'll be fine, won't you Impthy dear?

Impthy: (nods) Of course, dear brother. Don't worry, Nabootena. I'll make breakfast for Nachu and me. You can go have fun with Dakio.

Nabootena: Oh thanks, Impthy! You're a doll! See you later!

Dakio: CIAO! (backflips out the door)

(Impa closes the door and watches through the window as Darunia lets Nabooru into his car... BUM BUM BUMMM... EWEWEWEWEEWWWWWW! DOUBLE EWWW!)

Impthy: (winces) Ewww... WAIT! Nabootena's completely forgotten about Lios and Dakio being the same person...

(Impa watches Nabooru drive off with Darunia, and she looks worried)

Impthy: What if... he tries to do something terrible...? Nabootena doesn't know that he... (gasps, drops her spatula) OH NO... This isn't good...

(Scene: On the highway, in the Darunia Car.)

Dakio: Ahh... feel that fresh morning breeze. Isn't it nice, Nabootena?

Nabootena: It's lovely, Sir...

Dakio: Oh please, please... call me Dakio.

Nabootena: Oh, OK. Dakio. It's very nice. And this is a nice car you have!

Dakio: Why thank you! Lots of people like this car... Lots of people have ridden in it too... Louga... (ACK!) Rauonjii... (DOUBLE ACK!) Even Mikauge. (... AAGGGGHHHH!)

Nabootena: Mikauge... that name sounds familiar. I think I had a dream about someone named Mikauge.

Dakio: Oh? And what was it about?

Nabootena: He was talking about you... Said some things... I can't remember though. I think they were bad things.

Dakio: Oh, don't be silly. Now that you've gotten to know me, I'm not really a bad guy, am I?

Nabootena: Why no you're not, Dakio. In fact... you're sort of cool. (leans back in her seat, smiles)

Dakio: (smiles smugly, chuckles evilly. Thinking: ) That's right. Get comfortable, Nabootena. It's time you and I got reacquainted with each other... FOREVER! (smiles, chuckles evilly again. Thinking: ) Wait. That doesn't make any sense... Oh well! (chuckles evilly yet again.)

Nabootena: (leans back, smiles even broader)

(The camera zooms out on the car driving across the highway, and a silhouette of Impa looking sad appears in the water of the bay along the highway.)

Impthy: (voice echoing) Please be careful, Miss Nabootena...


(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!


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