Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ Curried High Trip ( Chapter 6 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: OK, I cannot believe I've written 5 chapters of this mess already! WOO! And to tell you the truth, I haven't seen the rest of the Utena series... So, the entire rest of this series will be written using episode synopses from 15-36. Oh, and a little bit of my own... special additions. BAHAHA!

PS: The episode called "Curried High Trip" actually took place between the Juri and Nanami duels, but it never crossed my mind to write a chapter for it until I received a request. This is definitely one of the funniest episodes, so I'm putting it in now, even though it is out of order!

OK... It's time for the lesson about... The Akio Car.

On the show, Akio Ohtori is famous for his car, a bright red convertible with white leather seats. He's always seen shirtless on top of it, and in the movie he likes to roll over the hood and go, "CIAO!"
The thing you should know about the Akio Car is... Well... Akio is sorta the bad guy. And he's also a total playboy. So they made it a point in the series to point out... Everyone who is seen riding in the Akio Car ends up sleeping with him...
(The author vomits)
No, I'm not kidding... Everyone.
(Vomits again)
But of course, this is rated PG! So I WILL be toning down the little joke about the Akio Car. Way down.
But I just thought I'd let you know how weird Utena really is.
And BTW, if you ever see a red convertible with white seats, DON'T get in.

Another new character! Say hello to...

Medigoron Dressed As A Girl... as Kanae. (Ganae)
(... That's scary to think about. Just pretend that he really is a girl, OK?)


She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!

She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something; you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

@-->--------- @-->--------- @-->--------- @-->--------- @-->-------

(GG runs across the stage with a card that has the episode name written on it)

CURRIED HIGH TRIP- Plus- DAKIO'S NEW PLAN

(Scene: A high tower near the home economics wing of the school. Ruto and her lackeys, the Rosa Sisters and Anju, watch through binoculars as Impa and Nabooru prepare a dish in home ec class.)

Impthy: What do you think, Nabootena?

Nabootena: (takes a taste) Hmmm... it needs some more spice to it!

Impthy: You really think so?

Nabootena: Only a little bit. You wouldn't want Giki to burn out his throat!

(The two of them giggle girlishly)

Rutanami: Yes... yes... it's all going according to plan! (rubs her hands together evilly, and turns to her lackeys) You did what I asked, correct?

Meiko: That's right, Miss Rutanami.

Juko: We substituted the regular curry spice for ultra-super-hot-Goron curry spice, made from the ground-up lava of a volcano!

Anjuko: One bite of this, and Nabootena and Impthy will have to call 911 to put the fire in their mouths out!

Rutanami: Perfect... (grins evilly)

Impthy: Does it need more curry, Nabootena?

Nabootena: (takes a taste) I think so. Here, let me put some of this in...

(She sprinkles something out of a small can from the cabinet. Ruto grins evilly [uh... again], much like the Grinch in "How The Grinch Stole Christmas")

Rutanami: (evil laughter) You'll pay for defeating my big brother in the duel and putting him into depression, Nabootena!

Meiko: Depression?

Juko: What are you talking about?

Anjuko: Mr. Louga is depressed?!

Rutanami: Oh, I didn't tell you? My big brother has locked himself in his room, and has been there for a week! It seems that he's really taking his loss to Nabootena hard... THAT'S WHY SHE MUST PAY! (laughs evilly, thunder and lightning strike)

Lackeys: Yes, Miss Rutanami! (also laugh evilly, more lightning and thunder)

(The four of them watch the window carefully, and see Nabooru and Impa, still giggling girlishly. Impa reaches for the "special" curry spice and is about to sprinkle it in, when Nabooru hands her a fork. The two of them takes bites out of their curry, and make weird faces)

Rutanami: (grins) Oh, look at their faces! I hope their hair lights on fire! AAAHAHAHAHA-

Anjuko: Uh...

Rutanami: What? (spins around) WHAT?! I was in the middle of laughing wickedly, you don't have to interrupt me!

Anjuko: But Miss Rutanami... I have the ultra-super-hot-Goron curry spice right here in my pocket...

Rutanami: WHAAT?!

Meiko: (snatches it from her hands) That's impossible! We put this in the cooking classroom... didn't we?

Juko: But if this is the super-hot curry spice, then... what did we put in the cooking classroom?

(Ruto rips a bag from her pocket and pulls out what's inside)

Rutanami: Let's see... (looks at the receipt) We bought the super-hot curry spice... And a bottle of ultra-super-hot-ANCIENT-MAGIC-Goron curry spice! But the magic spice is gone!

Lackeys: Then that means...

(Suddenly, there is a gigantic explosion from the cooking classroom. A mushroom cloud rises over the wing of the school, and screaming is heard. Ruto and her lackeys' mouths drop open in shock)

Meiko: Super-hot...

Juko: Magic...

Anjuko: Ancient...

Rutanami: CURRY SPICE...!?

(They look back and forth from each other nervously, and walk away slowly, whistling innocently as they do. The scene fades out to the wailing of sirens)

(Scene: The elevator thingy again. Instead of Link, however, the speech is made by a tape recorder being held by Darunia)

Louga's Voice on Tape: If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born... We are the chick, and the world is our egg. If we cannot break the world's shell, we will die without ever truly being born... Smash the world's shell...

All: For the Revolution of the World!

(Scene: The tower. Ganondorf is pacing back and forth worriedly, and Zelda is playing solitaire. Darunia is talking on the phone with someone, and Ruto is filing her nails, whistling nervously and looking around like someone is out to get her.)

Dakio: (dials a number on his phone) CIAO! (sparkly sound effects) Yes, this is Dakio Farore... In the hospital? For another three days? Yes... Yes, I understand... thank you. Goodbye. (hangs up) Well CRAP!

Rutanami: (jumps up defensively) WHAT?!

Zuri: You figured out that it makes more sense just to have the tape recorder do the little intro speech, because it doesn't mess it up like Louga does?

Dakio: No! The entire Code of the Triforce Seal is in PERIL, all because of that accident in the cooking lab! The Rose Bride, as well as Nabootena Gerudo, the one she is engaged to, were injured in the blast...

Rutanami: (sighs, sits back down)

Dakio: If only we knew what caused it...

Rutanami: (pulls on her collar nervously) Uh... heh heh...

Dakio: This puts everything behind schedule! DARN! DARN THE LUCK, DARN IT! (mumbling) This puts my EEEEEVIL PLAN off until the two of them get better!

Zuri: What was that, Mr. Dean?

Dakio: Um... nothing. (grins nervously)

Giki: THIS! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! BECAUSE OF ME, MY DEAR SWEET- Uh, I mean, Impthy... AND NABOOTENA ARE IN THE HOSPITAL!

Dakio: What are you talking about, you idiot?! (snarling) Are you saying that YOU caused the accident?!

Giki: No, of course I didn't! It's just... I told Impthy that I loved her curry, but sometime I would like to try the hottest curry in the world... And then she and Miss Nabootena chose it for their cooking class project, and somehow when they were making it, the cooking classroom exploded!

Zuri: Don't be silly, Giki. It wasn't your fault. It was just an accident. (eyes Ruto) We think.

Rutanami: WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME?! WHEN MY BROTHER GETS OUT OF HIS FUNK, HE'S GOING TO-

Dakio: Calm DOWN and shut UP already! I need to think... WHAT on EARTH are we going to do?!

Zuri: Shouldn't we call your parents?

Dakio: Whatever for?

Zuri: Don't you think they'd like to know that your sister is in the hospital?

Dakio: Oh. (shrugs) Naaaaah. (mumbling) I had my parents murdered with an axe when they wouldn't buy me a pony...

Zuri: What was that, Mr. Dean?

Dakio: Um... nothing.

Rutanami: Have you told (gulps) my big brother yet?

Dakio: I called him, and he seemed to have slipped into a bigger depression.

Rutanami: (wails) WHYYYYY, WHYYYY MUST YOU BE THIS WAY, BIG BROTHER?

Zuri: It's not so hard to understand. He lost miserably to Nabootena after going completely and mysteriously insane... He's going to have to sort through the whole lawsuit thing once Nabootena and Impthy get out of the intensive care unit... (under her breath) And his sister is an incestuous fruitcake...

Rutanami: WHAT WAS THAT?

Zuri: ... nothing.

Rutanami: (genuinely milking it for all it's worth) OOOOH, WOE IS ME! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE IDIOCY OF MY STUPID LACKEYS, MY BROTHER MIGHT BE ACTING HIS NORMAL, beauuuuuuuutiful SELF!

(Realizing what she said, she clamps her hand over her mouth. But everyone has already heard her, and they turn towards her, raising their eyebrows)

Giki: What was that?

Rutanami: Um...

Dakio: (snarling) Are you saying that the accident was YOUR fault?! HMM?! HMM?!

(He corners her against a wall, and gives her a death glare)

Rutanami: Uh... (looks around, bursts out) YESSSSSSSS! I'M SORRY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Giki: WHAT?! Rutanami, are you serious?! There's no way you could have...

Zuri: (smacks Ganondorf out of the way) WOWEE! I always knew you were homicidal, but I didn't think you had it in you to blow up the cooking classroom!

Rutanami: IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT WAS MY STUPID LACKEYS! (bursts into tears) I was mad at Nabootena for humiliating my brother... So I hired my lackeys to replace the curry spice with ultra-super-hot-Goron curry spice! But they're so stupid... They threw a can of ultra-super-hot-MAGIC-ANCIENT-Goron curry spice in the bag!

Giki: (sighs) Oh boy...

Rutanami: And instead of the HOT curry spice... THEY GAVE NABOOTENA THE MAGIC SPICE! AND IT MADE HER GO BOOM!

Zuri: Boom?

Rutanami: BOOOOM! (sobs, clutches her face)

Dakio: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID, YOU FOOL? NOW WE MAY ALL HAVE OUR BUTTS SUED OFF!

Rutanami: (clutches Darunia's legs) PLEASE DON'T TELL MY BROTHER, MR. DAKIO! I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN! I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! I WILL! I WILL! PLEAAAASE?!

Dakio: Miss Rutanami, please get off of me. Scaly skin freaks me out. (pushes her away) And I'm gonna HAVE to tell Louga! What's he gonna say if-

Louga: I think I've heard enough.

Rutanami: (gasps)

(Everyone turns around to see Link standing in the elevator. He has a blanket around his shoulders, and big black bags under his eyes. His hair is decorated with badly-tied rainbow-colored hair bows. There seems to be candy wrappers stuck to his clothes, and his eyes are glazed over.)

Rutanami: BIG BROTHER!

Everyone Else: Mr. President!

Zuri: I thought you had slipped into depression.

Louga: Well, I had... (blows his nose) And I was ready to spend another day lying on the sofa, crying, drinking maple syrup and watching Murder, She Wrote... (sniffles, clears his throat) But then I heard that Impthy and Nabootena were injured in an accident, and I knew that it was my responsibility as president to deal things over with their lawyers.

Giki: That's wonderful, Louga! With your esteemed guidance as president of the student council, we'll get this whole mess sorted out in no time!

Dakio: Your efficiency amazes me, Mr. President. I'll have to admit, I always saw you as sort of an idiot, but you're really going to come through for the school. I thank you for knowing your responsibility.

Louga: (sniffles, blows his nose) And besides that, I ran out of maple syrup.

Zuri: (groans) Ewww.

Louga: (walks over to Ruto, eyes her angrily) So... what was this about curry?

Rutanami: I... er... It was an accident?

Louga: RUTANAMI! (snorts, hacks up a loogie and spits, gets a frog in his throat) You've GOT to get over this stupid crush on me! I am your big brother, NOT your boyfriend, and it's just creepy for you to keep "getting even" with people for talking to me!

Rutanami: But Big Brother, she humiliated you!

Louga: I humiliated myself, Rutanami! I don't know WHAT came over me last week, but I was not acting myself at all...

(Darunia blushes, and whistles a song nervously)

Zuri: Really? I could argue with that, Louga.

Louga: (turns red) SHADDUP!

Rutanami: I... (hangs head) I'm sorry, Big Brother...

Louga: Now, don't apologize to me! I'm driving you to the flower shop after the meeting, and you are going to buy 1 dozen yellow roses EACH for Impthy and Nabootena, and we're going to go visit them at the hospital.

Rutanami: (eyes shrink) NOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Louga: (glares at her) RUTANAMIIII...

Rutanami: (groans) Aww, fine.

Giki: Oh, Louga, can I go too?! After all, it was sort of my fault...

Louga: It wasn't your fault Giki, but certainly, you can come too. Zuri?

Zuri: Sorry, I've already made plans to rear-end Malori's car as she drives back from lunch.

Louga: OOOK... Mr. Dean?

Dakio: Hmm? ME?! (laughs) DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! Why would I, the richest and most powerful among us, hang out with YOU losers? (snickers) I'M going to an important meeting this afternoon... In fact, I should be going now.

(He heads towards the elevator, and rolls over the banister dramatically)

Dakio: CIAO! (sparkly sound FX as he disappears)

Louga: Well then! (claps his hands together) Now that that's settled... COME ON, Rutanami.

Rutanami: (sighs) FINE. But this doesn't change anything! I still hate her! And I'm still gonna get her someday!

Louga: Good, whatever. Let's get going.

Giki: Wait for me, wait for me! (pulls out his stopwatch) It'll only take about 12.65 minutes to get to the flower shop and back before-

(Link's cell phone rings, and he picks it up)

Louga: Excuse me- Hello? Yes? Yes, this is the president of the Student Council. What? They've been released? Are you sure you're talking to the right person? Impthy Sheikahmiya and Nabootena Gerudo have been released? Wow... that was fast. OK, thank you. (hangs up) Well, you lucked out Rutanami. It seems that Impthy and Nabootena have already been released from the hospital.

Rutanami: WOOHOO- I mean, DANG! That sucks! I was hoping to see Nabootena in some real pain... (grumbles)

Giki: But... how could they be out of the hospital already?

Louga: I guess we'll see, hmmm? (heads for the elevator) Let's meet the two of them at the entrance to the school. They're being dropped off in 5 minutes.

Giki: (checks his watch) Actually, that's 5.67-

Louga: (throws him an evil look)

Giki: All right, all right...

(Scene: The front of the school. Link, Ganondorf, and Ruto stand on the curb as a car drives up. The words, "ST. HOPEYERINSURED HOSPITAL" are on the side of the car.)

Guy In Car: Now remember you two... Drink lots of fluids, and get lots of rest!

(Impa and Nabooru step out of the car, without so much as a scratch on them)

Impthy: Yeah, yeah... whatever. (groans, rolls eyes)

Nabootena: Thank you for driving us, sir. (bows politely)

Guy In Car: You two take care of yourselves! (drives off)

Louga: Impthy! Nabootena! We were all so worried!

Rutanami: (groans) Well, not all of-

(Link smacks her)

Rutanami: OW!

Giki: Miss Impthy! Oh Miss Impthy, I'm so glad you're OK! (races over, gives Impa a big hug)

Impthy: Uh... Thanks, I guess.

Nabootena: I'm happy to see you again, Giki! (bows politely)

(Link, Ganondorf and Ruto watch the two of them confusedly.)

Rutanami: I DON'T GET IT! How come you got out of the hospital so fast?! You don't have bandages or anything!

Impthy: Jeez Rutanami, don't sound so happy.

Nabootena: I guess we got lucky! I'm just happy that no one else was hurt! (giggles) Did someone take care of Nachu for me?

Giki: (scratches head) Wow... that doesn't sound like something Nabootena would say.

Nabootena: Nabootena? (scratches her own head) What are you talking about, Giki?

Impthy: Yeah Giki, I'm over here!

All: HUH???

Louga: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT. Now... Let me see if I can figure this out... Nabootena?

Impthy: What?

Louga: Um, no. I said "Nabootena", Impthy.

Impthy: Why do you keep calling me that? I'm NOT Impthy! I'm Nabootena!

(Ruto, Ganondorf, and Nabooru gasp)

Rutanami: WHAT'S GOING ON?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY, YOU TWO!

Nabootena: Why, I don't know what you mean, Miss Rutanami!

Giki: They sound just like they normally do... but...

Louga: It would appear that that magic curry spice of yours did more than explode the cooking classroom, Rutanami...

Rutanami: (bites nails) What... What do you mean?

Louga: Let me try this again. Miss Impthy...

Nabootena: Yes, sir?

Louga: (groans, slaps forehead) I was afraid of this...

Giki: Afraid of what?

Louga: It appears that the explosion has caused Miss Nabootena and Impthy to switch bodies...

Rutanami: (gasps in terror) YOU MEAN...

Nabootena: Oh my goodness!

Impthy: WHAT?!

Louga: Impthy's mind is in Nabootena's body, and Nabootena's mind is in Impthy's body.

Impthy: (throws head back, screams in terror) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Giki: Miss... Miss Impthyyyy... (faints)

Nabootena: Oh dear...

Louga: You REALLY did it this time, Rutanami.

Rutanami: (cowers in shame) I... I'm sorry, Big Brother...

Louga: Tch. Don't apologize to me, I'm not the one whose life you've ruined.

Impthy: (kicking and screaming on the sidewalk) NOOO! I'M TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF THE ROSE BRIDE! WAAAAAAA!

Nabootena: (trying to wake up Ganondorf) Oh dear, Giki! I think I'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth...

Impthy: (pushes Nabooru away from Ganondorf) OH NO YA DON'T!

(Scene: The courtyard at lunch. Anju and the Rosa Sisters are standing at a table covered with photographs. Anju is holding a megaphone)

Anjuko: STEP RIGHT UP! STEP RIGHT UP! YOU'VE HEARD RIGHT! The Rose Bride and Miss Nabootena Gerudo have switched bodies!

Meiko: We've got pictures to prove it, oh yes we do!

Juko: That's right! Just take a look at these!

(She holds up a stack of pictures that show Nabooru watering the roses and cleaning up the dorm, and Impa jumping hurdles and playing basketball)

Anjuko: A chance to see these pictures will never come again!

Meiko: And they're cheap, too! Only 1 Rupee a piece!

(A crowd of students runs up and buys stack after stack of pictures)

Rutanami: (walks into the courtyard, hanging her head) Oh... when will my Big Brother think of the punishment for me? I'm WAITING in AGONY!

(She clasps her hands together and daydreams about Link, holding a large whip and dressed in a dominatrix outfit.)

Louga: Oh Rutanami, you've been a bad, bad girl... It's time for your punishment...

Rutanami: (giggles happily)

Juko: THEY'RE SELLING FAST! BETTER COME GET YOUR PICTURES NOW!

Rutanami: Huh? (turns to see her three lackeys auctioning off pictures of Nabooru and Impa) WAAAAACK! NOOOO!

(She races over and snatches all of the pictures out of their hands)

Rutanami: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Anjuko: But Miss Rutanami... Our plan worked out perfectly!

Meiko: We're humiliating Nabootena Gerudo by selling pictures of her body WATERING ROSES!

Juko: And trying on MAKE UP!

(The three of them giggle evilly)

Rutanami: NO, NO, NOOO! My brother is mad enough at me now! I don't need him to catch you selling these! He's trying to think of my punishment now, so don't ruin it for me!

Anjuko: What are you talking about?

Rutanami: You stupids... If you make him madder at me, he won't dress up in a sexy little dominatrix outfit and whip me-

(All three of their mouths drop open, and Ruto blushes)

Rutanami: And... er... ANYWAY, give me these pictu-

Giki: Why, Rutanami!

(Ruto freezes in terror and turns around to see Ganondorf, crossing his arms and looking at her angrily)

Rutanami: ACK! GIKI!

Giki: You should be ashamed of yourself, exploiting poor Nabootena and Impthy like this! They're trapped in each other's bodies, and you're not helping by making fun of them!

Rutanami: Oh no! Giki, it wasn't me! It was-

Giki: And you know what's even more shameful about these pictures... (bursts into tears)

Rutanami: PLEASE DON'T TELL MY BROTHER, PLEEEAAAASE!?

Giki: ... I bought 20 of them...

(He holds up a huge stack of pictures, all of them showing Impa [Nabooru] jumping over hurdles and playing baseball and things like that.)

Meiko: That'll be 20 Rupees, please.

(Ganondorf pays up, and starts to walk away, looking through the pictures.)

Rutanami: PLEASE GIKI, DON'T TELL LOUGA!

Giki: Oh... that reminds me. (spins around, still crying) Louga wants me to tell you that he's thought of your punishment. You and your lackeys are to report to his office ASAP.

Rutanami and Lackeys: (gulp)

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----
(Thought I forgot, did you? HMM? IT'S THE SHADOW PLAY SCENE!)

(Skullkid and the Windmill guy stand against the sheet. Skullkid grabs a chalkboard and a pointer stick)

S-ko: Remember what we said about divine justice? Well now we really mean it!

G-ko: WE MEAN IT! WE MEAN IT!

S-ko: If you're mean to someone else, bad things will happen. It's a sure thing.

G-ko: SURE THING! SURE THING!

M-ko: (pops in with an umbrella) It may rain on your birthday.

S-ko: No, worse.

T-ko: You may never be able to be a Forest Fairy!

S-ko: No, worse.

H-ko and D-ko: YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE WITH YOUR LOVE!

S-ko: No, WORSE!

All Shadow Guys: WORSE?

S-ko: Much worse.

M-ko: What could be worse than rain?

T-ko: Or not being a Forest Fairy?

H-ko and D-ko: Or BEING UNLOVED?!

S-ko: All of your favorite TV shows will be canceled and replaced by reality shows.

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

M-ko: That... T-that really can't happen, can it?

S-ko: I think they have a government agency set up to prevent that sort of thing... But I don't know.

G-ko: DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU KNOW?

All: DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU REALLY, REALLY KNOW?!

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

(Scene: Link's office. Nabooru and Impa are there, as well as Darunia and Ganondorf when Ruto and her Lackeys arrive.)

Dakio: Well, well, well... if it isn't the little criminals!

Louga: With all due respect sir, shut your face.

Dakio: (turns red)

Rutanami: (clears throat and bows down to her brother) Before you punish me, big brother... I'd just like to say that I'm very, very sorry... I didn't mean for it to get this bad...

Lackeys: (also bowing) WE'RE SORRY, PLEASE DON'T EXPEL US!

Impthy: (snorts) Expel them.

Nabootena: Uh... Miss Nabootena...

Impthy: DON'T call me MISS!

Nabootena: I'm sorry, Nabootena...

Impthy: (sighs) I'm sorry too... it's just that today has really SUCKED! I found all these pictures of me watering roses and doing girly stuff, and it's kinda pissin' me off.

Giki: (whistles innocently)

Louga: Now then, Rutanami... You realize that your actions are enough for me to expel all four of you.

Rutanami: Yes, big brother...

Louga: But because you're my little sister, I'm going to make a deal with you.

Rutanami: (eyes get big and dreamy) You're going to dress as a dominatrix and-

Louga: (makes a repulsed face) Uh... no. I think that our main focus should be to get Nabootena and Impthy back to normal.

Rutanami: And...?

Louga: So, I'm going to make you and your lackeys go find some more of this "magic ancient Goron curry spice", and bring it back here so we can fix this little... problem.

Rutanami: Oh. Is that all?

Dakio: WHAAT?! (stomps over to Link) With all due respect, Mr. President, I don't think that the punishment is fitting to the crime! After all, she did put my dear, sweet baby Sworn Sister in the hospital for-

Louga: And you're not going to come home until you find it.

Rutanami: WHAT?!

Lackeys: BUT... BUT...

Louga: I've bought bus tickets for the four of you to go as far as Death Mountain. I expect you to find enough of the secret spice to make more magic curry. And if you don't find it, I will expel you.

Rutanami: But big brother-

Louga: No buts, Rutanami. Get going! Your bus leaves in ten minutes.

Rutanami: (sighs) Yes, big brother...

Lackeys: Yes sir... Thank you, Sir...

(She and her lackeys race off to pack their bags.)

Dakio: (rolls his eyes) I can't believe you're going to send that wussy little girly-girl out on her own and trust her with an assignment as difficult as this one!

Louga: What choice do we have?

Giki: But HER? Come on Louga- why don't you make her clean your dorm and then send someone who can actually FIND the spice to get it?

Dakio: Exactly! That spaz will completely screw it up!

Nabootena: Not to worry, dear brother! I'm sure that Miss Rutanami will be the perfect girl for the job! She'll bring back the spice, and everything will be back to normal!

Impthy: I'm not so sure about that...

Nabootena: (scratches her head) Whatever do you mean? Don't you trust Rutanami?

Louga, Dakio, Giki, Impthy: Uh... NO.

(Scene: The bus station. Link is standing with Ruto, Maron, Judo, and Anju as the bus drives up.)

Lackeys: Farewell, Mr. President! (They carry their suitcases onto the bus)

Rutanami: Wait for me, Big Brother! I won't let you down!

Louga: Who's lettin' ME down? I just want Nabootena and Impthy back in their own bodies.

Rutanami: But if I'm successful in my mission, you'll give me a kiss, won't you?

Louga: ... Ew. No. Get on the bus and get outta here. And remember:

Rutanami: (sighs sadly) No coming home until I find the spice...

Louga: That's right. Now, good luck! (races away as fast as he can)

Rutanami: (strikes triumphant pose) NOT TO WORRY, DARLING BROTHER! I WON'T LET YOU DOWN! I WILL RETURN WITH THE SECRET SPICE, TURN NABOOTENA AND IMPTHY NORMAL AGAIN, AND THEN I WILL KISS YOU ON YOUR DAINTY LIPS THAT ARE THE COLOR OF ROSES IN THE SPRINGTIME, AS YOU HOLD ME CLOSE AND SAY, "I LOVE YOU, MY DARLING BABY SIS-"

(She stops as she realizes that everyone at the bus depot is staring at her with confused looks.)

Rutanami: Uh... TRUE LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU FOOLS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!

(As Ruto gets on the bus with her lackeys, she presses her nose to the window and waves a white hankie at Link, who is walking into the bus station's convenience store.)

Louga: Give me a gun... NOW.

(Scene: Some mysterious room at the school. Darunia backflips into the room, where King Zora is sitting. For some strange reason, King Zora has pink hair and is wearing a boy's school uniform, as well as a pair of John Lennon-style glasses with blue frames.)

Dakio: (backflips) CIAO! (bows) Welcome, Zokage, my old friend.

Zokage: It's a pleasure to speak to you again, Dakio. After your little accident with Mr. Rauonjii and the Rose Bride, I wasn't sure if I'd ever see you again.

Dakio: PUH! It'll take more than flashy lights to bring me down! (sinister laugh)

Zokage: You said you needed some help with one of the duelists.

Dakio: Nabootena Gerudo... (clenches his fist) She's a much better fighter than I thought...

(He pulls a small Nabooru action figure out of the desk and starts marching it around the table.)

Dakio: (sets up action figures of the Student Council) She's already beaten the entire Student Council... (knocks them down with the Nabooru doll) and pretty soon I'm sure she'll figure out that she needs to challenge and beat me. (grabs a action figure of himself.) Then she'll receive the power... (pounds the table) I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN!

Zokage: And Lios truly believes she is the girl?

Dakio: That's what really irks me... (mumbling, beating a small action figure of Lios against the table. [Too bad you can't see his face])

Zokage: (stands up REEEEEAAAAALLY slowly, paces around the room) Let's see... Have you any ideas?

(Darunia isn't paying attention, he's studying his action figure of himself very carefully)

Zokage: ... Dakio?

Dakio: I never realized how incredibly sexy this doll of me is...

Zokage: (disgusted) Oh, puke. OK, Dakio! I think I have a solution to your problem!

Dakio: You do? (drops the doll)

Zokage: (waddles over VEEERRRRRRY slowly and picks the Nabooru doll off the table.) You said that once Nabootena defeats all the duelists, she'll have to fight you.

Dakio: Yes.

Zokage: But what if there were more duelists?

Dakio: ...That's impossible! You can't duel unless you have a Triforce signet ring!

Zokage: And the only people who have those are in the Student Council, right?

Dakio: Right. Oh, and Nabootena.

Zokage: So obviously, my dear colleague, we must hand out MORE signet rings!

Dakio: ... HEY WAIT A SEC! We can't do that! Only the truly worthy are allowed to carry a ring! Or those who were elected onto the council with a 2/3 majority vote!

Zokage: (shakes his head, waddles VEEEEEEEERRRRRY slowly over to the window) You don't understand, Dakio. There are plenty of worthy people here in the school. You just haven't been looking for them.

Dakio: ... First of all, whaddya mean by "worthy"?

Zokage: When I say worthy, I mean willing to battle anyone and everyone in order to possess the Bride.

Dakio: Oh. ... Like who?

Zokage: That's easy. (presses a button, and a large film screen pops out of the wall. It counts down from 5 and then geeky 50's educational film music starts up.)

Film Announcer: Hello, and welcome to "DEPRESSED AND REVENGE-SEEKING STUDENTS OF FARORE ACADEMY: The Tour!" We're going to have so much fun learning about all the weirdos at this school!

Dakio: What the...

Zokage: SHHHH! (eating box after box of popcorn)

(A panoramic view of Hyrule Castle, that slowly zooms in on the courtyard.)

Voice: Welcome to Farore Academy, the place where weirdos attend school. Many of these weirdos are actually semi-normal.

(It shows a crowd of ordinary studentS)

Voice: Then there are the Student Council, the duelists. These charming fellows serve the roles as people who fight over the Rose Bride, Impthy Sheikahmiya.

(It shows the Student Council. They all wave nervously. It then cuts to a scene of Impa watering the roses)

Voice: And of course, Nabootena Gerudo. The most revolutionary girl at the school, and the current possessor of the Rose Bride!

(It shows Nabooru in her boy's uniform, grinning.)

Voice: BUT- There are other people at Farore who wish they could duel, but can't. So let me introduce to you... The Grudgers, or as they will soon be known as, the Black Rose Duelists! The people who HATE the duelists for one reason or another, and a brief backstory of their lives!

(The film shows Medigoron dressed up as a girl. [A/N: I completely ran out of women...] He... er, "she" has long, green hair and is wearing a fancy-looking silk dress.)

Voice: Ganae Farore. Everyone knows her. She's the fiancée of Farore Academy's student dean, Dakio Farore.

Dakio: ... Oops. I forgot, I'm engaged... (flips through his datebook) Guess I'll have to cancel with everyone on Friday...

Voice: Ganae enjoys gardening, eating rocks, and buying things that are way too expensive for her using her fiancé's checkbook.

Dakio: (eyes bug out) WHAT?!

Voice: The thing is, Ganae is very well aware that her fiancé is a total playboy jerkface. And she is also well aware about the dueling game and that his sworn sister is the Rose Bride. And that pisses her off.
Ganae thinks Impthy is a total weirdo. She wants to keep as far away from her as possible. This has something to do with the fact that Impthy once used Ganae's nicest scarf to wax her brother's car.

(The film shows Impa wiping down Darunia's car, while Female Medigoron sits inside [BUM BUM BUMMMMMM...].)

Voice: Ganae is also crazy in the fact that she wants to REPLACE Impthy as the Rose Bride. Her theory is that Dakio cares so much about his sister's job as the Rose Bride, if she could take it over he would care about her too. As such, Ganae hates anyone who thinks of Impthy as cool, as well as anyone who her fiancé is attracted to. This is a double standard in the case of Nabootena Gerudo. Ganae would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff. Followed by getting a sword pulled out of her chest.

Ganae: (high, overly-dramatic voice) I would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff! Followed by getting a sword pulled out of my chest!

Dakio: (blinks a few times) I didn't know she was that violent.

Zokage: Thinking of not marrying her?

Dakio: Are you JOKING? I never PLANNED on marrying her. I just proposed so that she would keep buying me bulk-size cases of Ding-Dongs.

Voice: Let's move on, shall we?

(The films zooms out on Female Medigoron and across the courtyard to a familiar young Gerudo with dark blue hair.)

Voice: This girl should ring a bell. Her name is Kazoo Dragmire, twin sister of Student Council secretary and Stopwatch of the Month club's most frequent customer, Giki Dragmire.

Dakio: Kazoo? But wait a sec she...

(The film watches Kazoo as she stands up, hops into Darunia's car with him [BUM BUM BUMMMM...], and starts to drive across the parking lot.)

Voice: Kazoo's hobbies are NOT playing the harmonica and NOT having much to do with her brother.
Kazoo was humiliated at a young age when her brother Giki got sick right before a music performance one day. The two child prodigies never played together again after that, as Kazoo was too embarrassed.
But the main reason Kazoo is on this filmstrip is, that a little itty bitty bit like Rutanami Hyliana, she kind of has... weird feelings for her brother. She became extremely jealous to learn that Giki had a crush on Impthy Sheikahmiya, and that she had replaced Kazoo as his "Shining Thing".
As such, Kazoo would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff.

Kazoo: (dramatic voice) I would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff!

Dakio: (blinking) These people really need to find better things to do with their anger.

Zokage: NO kidding. (opens a carton of jujubes)

Voice: Next comes Malori Lon-Lon. We've met her before, too. Her hobbies include stealing people's boyfriends and acting all innocent.

(The camera zooms out of Darunia's car and shows Malon racing towards the parking lot. Darunia throws Kazoo out of his car, and then lets Malon in. [BUM BUM BUMMMMM...])

Voice: Malori Lon-Lon was involved in a love triangle between Student Council Treasurer Zuri Zeldagawa and Sheika Sheikah. She stole Sheika, Zuri's boyfriend, and humiliated her, dumping her like a sack of wet garbage.
Zuri has never exactly... hesitated to take revenge on Malori. From placing bugs in her lunch to tripping her, from dumping Jello on her head to rear-ending her car whenever she gets the chance, Zuri has helped turn their friendship into a bitter war.
Since Zuri does NOT believe in miracles, Malori would love to prove her wrong by making one happen. Besides that, she wouldn't mind having the Rose Bride by her side to help her repaint her car. In truth, Malori would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and make Impthy wax her car!

Malori: I would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and make Impthy wax my car!

Dakio: That was predictable. (takes a sip of soda)

Zokage: Some of the rest of them are NOT. (eats a few Raisinets)

Voice: Ah, who's this young fellow here by the tree? Why, it's Katsuru... Katsuru... Katsuru who doesn't have a last name. His hobbies are doing psychotic things for love, and chasing older women.

(The camera zooms in on Kafei, leaning against a tree and plucking the petals from a daisy. Darunia drives up in his car, and gestures for Kafei to come forward... AGGGGHHH! [BUM BUM BUMMMMM...] That's DISGUSTING!)

Voice: Katsuru is most famous for in the 3rd and 4th chapters serving as Student Council President-in-Training Rutanami Hyliana's "Prince", protecting her from the person who was supposedly trying to kill her. Turns out, Katsuru was the little nutbar who was trying to do Rutanami in. In revenge, Rutanami threw him off the dueling arena. He was recently released from the hospital, and has returned to school.
Katsuru did what he did because he was madly in love with Rutanami, and he wanted to be like the object of her affection, her brother Louga. Um... ew. Rutanami didn't seem to understand though. Either that or she realized that it was really creepy anyway.
Katsuru seeks revenge on Rutanami, because he wants her to take him back. He also seeks revenge on Nabootena Gerudo, for being the person who brought him into Rutanami's life as her injury taker in the first place. Impthy Sheikahmiya is on his list too... He wants Rutanami to be the only real princess.
It's very true that Katsuru would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff! Followed by making out with Rutanami.

Katsuru: I would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff! Followed by making out with Rutanami.

Dakio: ... Ew.

Zokage: Man, you aren't discriminating when it comes to that car.

Dakio: YOU'RE DISGUSTING! I WAS DROPPING HIM OFF AT DAYCARE!

Zokage: Uh huh... Yeah, sure you were. Pervert.

Dakio: I'LL KILL YOU-

Voice: Shut up fellows, we're not done yet. Our next subject is this: Anjuko Alsodoesnthavealastname. She's most famous as the ringleader of Rutanami's three lackeys.

Dakio: Whaaaa?

Voice: Anjuko's hobbies are beating up innocent people and doing the bidding of her "master", Rutanami. She is currently out of town with her "master" and the other two lackeys, searching for the magic spice to turn Impthy and Nabootena back to normal.
Anjuko, like every other girl in the whole freakin' school, has a mad crush on Student Council President Louga Hyliana. She just can't get him to see past the fact that she is a literal slave to his sister, Rutanami. Knowing Louga, he probably doesn't give a crap about Anjuko, or any other girl who loves him. He only cares about Nabootena, and the Rose Bride Impthy. Of course, he really only cares about Impthy's POWER.
Anjuko would love to get revenge on Louga for ignoring her. The best way to get revenge would be to get rid of Nabootena and Impthy, the two girls Louga likes best. Then obviously, according to her thoughts, he would love HER instead! In a very real sense, Anjuko would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff! Then make out with Louga.

Anjuko: I would love nothing better than to beat Nabootena and shove Impthy off a cliff! Then make out with Louga!

Dakio: (crosses arms) What is it about Louga that everyone likes... I'm just as sexy as him!

Zokage: ...

Voice: Finally, we arrive at the final candidate... Saraba Kokiri!

Dakio and Zokage: WHAAAAAAAT?! (spitting soda out all over the place)

Voice: You know! Saraba Kokiri! Nabootena Gerudo's BEST FRIEND! Her hobbies include glomping people and finding new boyfriends.

Dakio: SARABA?! WHAAAT?!

Zokage: Why would she wanna duel?

Voice: You're forgetting boys, who is it that Saraba loves endlessly? Who would she die to be together with? Who is the creepiest person on the Student Council besides Rutanami?

Dakio: Rauonjii?

Voice: Very good! You get a treat later. Saraba is in love with Rauonjii. Though I don't see why. AAAAANYWAY Rauonjii can't stand her. He's also humiliated her several times, and knowing him, probably slapped her.

Zokage: ... so?

Voice: Who does Rauonjii Sage-O-Eechee actually have a crush on?

Dakio: Impthy?

Voice: That's right. And who also hangs out with her best friend Nabootena?

Zokage: Impthy?

Voice: Mmmhmm... Though Saraba doesn't hold a grudge against Impthy, she DOES hold a grudge against Rauonjii for embarrassing her so many times. A big enough grudge where she would love to take Impthy away from him, to make him realize that it is SHE who he should love, not Impthy "Rose Bride" Sheikahmiya! Poor Saraba is merely a girl in love with a boy who loves someone else who just happens to be the girl's best friend's friend.

Dakio: ... ah, I'm confused.

Voice: It's not that hard to understand. In order to win Rauonjii's love and prove herself worthy to him, Saraba is willing to defeat her best friend. And to get revenge, she's willing to take away the girl who Rauonjii really loves.

Saraba: In order to win Rauonjii's love and prove myself worthy to him, I am willing to defeat my best friend! And to get revenge, I'm willing to take away the girl who Rauonjii really loves!

Zokage and Dakio: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.

Dakio: They say love is blind.

Zokage: And in this case, it's REALLY true.

(They both shudder)

Voice: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us again later for, "DEPRESSED AND REVENGE-SEEKING STUDENTS OF FARORE ACADEMY: The Tour! Part 2: Everyone Who Is In Love With Louga". Now, get going with your sinister plan making! BAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

(The filmstrip shuts off. Darunia and King Zora sit in deep thought)

Dakio: I'VE GOT IT! I know what you're planning!

Zokage: You're precisely right. We're going to convince all six of those revenge-seeking students that they should be duelists, and I will present them with Black Rose rings: The rings of duelists that have died in battle.

Dakio: ... wait, duelists have DIED?

Zokage: 99 of them. They all fell off that stairwell thing leading up to the arena.

Dakio: Oh. Right, I forgot.

Zokage: Once they have the rings, they'll become even more vicious and revenge seeking! Then they'll all challenge Nabootena Gerudo at once, and there's NO WAY she'll be able to beat them all!

Dakio: It's perfect! What an unbeatable plan! Lios will be trapped in the castle forever, and Nabootena Gerudo will be TOAST!

(The two of them laugh evilly)

Zokage: But wait! Nabootena has switched bodies with Impthy! We can't do the plan!

Dakio: Not yet, anyway... Not unless Rutanami Hyliana succeeds in finding the magic spice!

(A brief scene change. We see Ruto and her lackeys getting off of the bus at Kakariko Village. They look around, and Anju pulls out a map)

Anjuko: If we're looking for a GORON spice, we should go to Goron City...

Rutanami: Hold on... Do you guys hear... rumbling?

(They are run over by a huge group of Gorons rolling down the mountain and squashed flat)

Rutanami: I'll find... that spice... no matter... what!

Meiko: Right now...

Juko: We need to find...

Anjuko: A Doctor!

(Back in the room with King Zora and Darunia.)

(The two of them think for a moment, and then burst into tears)

Both: WE'RE DOOMED! OUR PLAN IS RUINED!

(Scene: Nabooru and Impa sit in the courtyard with Ganondorf, being depressed)

Giki: Not to worry, girls! I'm sure Rutanami has already found the spice, and is on her way back as we speak!

Impthy: Yeah RIGHT. Rutanami couldn't find her nose if she had her finger on it. We're going to be stuck like this forever.

Nabootena: Please have faith, Miss Nabootena...

Impthy: Drop the MISS.

Nabootena: I'm sorry... Nabootena.

Impthy: (sighs, twirling a leaf in her fingers) I can't believe it... I can't believe all the insane stuff that has happened to me since I came here. I came here to find my PRINCE, not to revolutionize the world and have my body switched...

Giki: Don't worry, Nabootena. I know Rutanami better than all of you, and she won't let you down! She'll do anything for Louga to be happy with her again. (shudders) Ew.

(A brief scene change. We see Ruto and her lackeys hiking over the Death Mountain pass, gasping for air.)

Rutanami: I'll find that spice if it's the last thing I do!

Juko: Do you hear...

Meiko: Rumbling?

(A huge group of Gorons rolling down the hill runs them all over)

All four: AAGGGGHHH!

(Back at Farore...)

Impthy: That is one creepy sister Louga's got.

Nabootena: Speaking of creepy sisters, Mr. Giki, how is Kazoo doing?

Giki: She's been sneaking around a lot lately. I think she's up to something.

(Ganondorf gazes across the courtyard to where a large booth has been set up. A sign outside the booth says, "DARBHA- DUELISTS AND ROSE-BRIDE HATERS ANONYMOUS. Sign Up Today!" Kazoo looks around for a minute, then runs into the booth.)

Giki: Hmm. But anyway, would you girls like to go get some-

Rauonjii: Ahem.

(They all look up to see Rauru there, fresh back from his expulsion. He's eating a Twinkie and looking as pissed-off as ever.)

Nabootena: Oh, hello Mr. Rauonjii!

Rauonjii: My business is NOT with you, NABOOTENA. I've come to talk with Impthy. (glances at Ganondorf angrily) ALONE.

Giki: (snarls) Why, so you can kidnap her again?

Rauonjii: Quiet, you little maggot. I'm on a One-Strike-And-I'm-Out policy. I don't have time to argue with YOU. All I want is Impthy.

Nabootena: But Mr. Rauonjii, Nabootena-

Impthy: SHHH! (stands up, curtsies) It's my pleasure, Mr. Rauonjii... Sir!

Giki: Hey wait a sec, Naboo-

(Impa [Nabooru] winks at the two of them and Rauru grabs her arm, dragging her across the courtyard and into a storage closet)

Giki: ... What was that all about?

Nabootena: What... What is Nabootena doing?

(Meanwhile, in the closet...)

Rauonjii: Are you glad to see me, my love? It's been a long time... I'm so glad I've been unexpelled... I'll never be able to thank Louga enough for allowing me to rejoin you, my darling...

Impthy: (thinking) Jeez, what a fruit. But this means I'll finally be able to find out what Rauonjii does with Impthy... Maybe I can get him expelled again!

Rauonjii: I don't care what End of the World says. My love for you is true, darling! And I promise, I will win you back and leave that horrible Nabootena in the dust!

Impthy: (mumbling) Whatever...

Rauonjii: What was that?

Impthy: Oh, nothing, Sir.

Rauonjii: (grins) Good. And since I'm back... (starts unbuttoning his shirt) I think it's time we proved our love again.

(Impa's face contorts into a look of utter horror)

Impthy: OH... MY... NOOOOO!

Rauonjii: You know you want to, Impthy... One look at my sexy body and you know you want to prove our love again...

Impthy: (covers her eyes) OH MY FRIGGIN' EYES! AAGGGH, NO! KEEP IT ON, KEEP IT ON!

Rauonjii: Don't be a fool Impthy! This is the way it has to be!

Impthy: AAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! (covers her face with her hands)

(Suddenly, Rauru pulls something out of his shirt and places it in Impa's hands. She continues screaming, but then stops and looks at it)

Impthy: OH! A diary?

Rauonjii: (buttoning up his shirt [THANK GOD]) I haven't been gone THAT long, Impthy. You know about our exchange diary. Where we write our mushy-ooey-gooey words of love back and forth. I made another entry on the bus back to Farore, and now it's your turn.

Impthy: Oh! (blushes) Of course, Rauonjii.

Rauonjii: (grins, looks at her suavely) Rauonjii...?

Impthy: Rauonjii, my love!

Rauonjii: Good! That Nabootena hasn't gotten to you yet. Please make your entry by tomorrow night. I can't wait to read it! And until then... farewell, my darling...

(He opens up the closet and exits.)

Impthy: (takes off her glasses, and wipes them off) That was too close... But I wonder... what does Rauonjii write in this... BUT WAIT! I can't read it! It's private, between Impthy and Rauonjii... But I guess if he wants her to write in it, then she will have to... But what if he sees her writing in it and thinks that it's me? I guess he doesn't know about the accident. SO, I guess I'LL have to write in it!

(She grins maniacally and exits, heading back to her dorm, I guess.)

(Scene: High atop Death Mountain, Ruto and her Lackeys have come to question the great Goron guru Biggoron about the whereabouts of the magic spice.)

Rutanami: Let me handle this, girls. HEYYYY BIGGORON!

Biggoron: (great groan, sits up slowly) Whaaaa? Who said that?

Lackeys: DOWN HERE!

Rutanami: Hey Mr. Biggoron guy! We need to know about the magic spice so that we-

Biggoron: (turns around quickly, his arm smacks Ruto and Lackeys off the edge of a cliff) WHO SAID THAT? I can't see you, yell a little louder!

Rutanami and Lackeys: AAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Biggoron: (nods) Ah, now I can hear you! ... But where did you go?

(From down below, there is a huge SPLAT)

Lackeys: Our... SPLEENS!

Rutanami: Ugh... HEY! Look! A box of magic spice! Just lying here at the bottom of the cliff!

Lackeys: HOORAAAY- Ow.

Rutanami: But wait... do you hear... rumbling?

(A pack of Gorons rolling down the mountain runs over them and squashes them flat)

(Scene: In Nabooru and Impa's dorm, Impa [Nabooru] sits, flipping through the pages of Rauru and Impa's exchange diary.)

Impthy: Let's see... "Darling Impthy, I cannot stand to wait any longer before I am at your side..." "Dearest Impthy, someday I will read this diary and remember our beautiful white wedding..." BLEAH. I didn't know Rauonjii could be this sweet... And some of this stuff Impthy wrote is pretty mushy too. "Rauonjii, I dreamed of you last night..." Man, that dream must have been a nightmare.

(She chews on a pencil and continues flipping through it)

Impthy: I wonder what Giki would think of this... I know I'm supposed to be on his side as far as Impthy goes, but really... I didn't know Rauonjii cared this much.

(She turns to a page that has a sketched picture of Rauru and Impa hugging. [Um... GAG] In the picture, Rauru is stepping on Nabooru, and stabbing her through the chest with his sword)

Impthy: WHAAAAT?! What a rude picture!

(The next page reads, "Nabootena Must Die". That page is followed by a list entitled, "Ways To Kill Nabootena Gerudo")

Impthy: (clenches her fist) Why that little... GRRRR! (smiles smugly) OK, Rauonjii... you wanted to know Impthy's true feelings? OK...

(She starts to write in the book)

(Scene: Inside a small booth with the same fabric as the "DARBHA" booth from earlier. A confessional-like wall separates the booth into two halves, and Kazoo is seen sitting on a stool in one half)

Zokage: (on the other side of the wall) All right, my child. You may speak now.

Kazoo: (squirms) Well... it's not like I hate Giki or anything... he is my brother. But... I CAN'T STAND THAT STUPID IMPTHY SHEIKAHMIYA! My brother always said I was his shining thing, and now SHE IS! It's not fair, he knows why I don't like to play the harmonica! AND I'M A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN SHE EVER WAS!

Zokage: Calm down, my child. There is a way you can get revenge on Impthy AND your brother... Stick your left hand through the little door.

Kazoo: (examining the wall) Which little door?

Zokage: The little door right on the wall. In the middle.

Kazoo: ... Which door now?

Zokage: RIGHT HERE! (scraping and pounding noises) OPEN... YOU... STUPID... (a tiny door slides open) There we go! OK, stick your hand in.

(Kazoo sticks her hands through the door, and when she takes it out, a black Triforce signet ring is on her finger)

Kazoo: This... this is the same ring... as Giki has!

Zokage: Not quite...

(Kazoo's eyes glitter black)

(Scene: The same booth, Kafei is sitting inside)

Katsuru: And I love her very much... but I can't make her realize that... That it doesn't matter if I'm way younger than her and I also tried to kill her! That's why I hate that Nabootena! It's all her fault!

Zokage: Not to worry, my child. Place your left hand in the little door on the wall.

Katsuru: Which door?

Zokage: The one right there.

Katsuru: Eh?

Zokage: (groans, slides the door open) Now stick your left hand in.

(Kafei sticks his right hand in)

Zokage: Your OTHER left.

(Kafei sticks his left hand in. When he takes it out, a black Triforce signet ring is on his finger)

Katsuru: Rutanami has one just like it... (eyes glitter black)

(Scene: The same booth. Female Medigoron is inside.)

Ganae: I'm going to KILL that Nabootena Gerudo... I SWEAR I will...

Zokage: There is a way, Miss Farore... Just place your left hand inside the little door.

Ganae: Which door?

Zokage: (groans, props open the door with a stick) This one.

(Female Medigoron sticks his... er, HER hand in and when s/he removes it, there is a black Triforce signet ring on her finger)

Ganae: One of these? But I thought only duelists could have it... (eyes glitter black) Duelists like Nabootena...

(Scene: Do I really need to say it again?)

Malori: If she hits my car one more time, I won't hesitate to kill her.

Zokage: Not to worry, my child. You can have your revenge soon enough. Place your left hand inside the door.

(Malon receives a black Triforce ring)

Malori: It's just like Zuri's... (glittery eyes)

Saraba: Why doesn't he understand... I'm not just kidding around, I really like him! A LOT!

Zokage: I think you'll be able to make him understand with this, Saraba, my child.

Saraba: (sticks hand in the door) I'm not your... (pulls it out and sees the ring) But... wait... this is just like the one Rauonjii and Nabootena have!

Zokage: Exactly. You know what you must do, Saraba.

Saraba: (eyes glitter black) Yes, of course...

(She leaves the booth and King Zora pulls out a piece of paper and a pen.)

Zokage: (dictating a letter to himself) Let's see... "Dear Anjuko... Y'know how they... OK, you know how I say that if Louga doesn't love you you need to rub out the competition first? Well, I've got some good news for you..."

(Scene: Near the Rose Garden, the next day. Impa, Nabooru, and Ganondorf sit, waiting for Rauru)

Nabootena: What did you write in the diary, Nabootena?

Impthy: Oh... you'll know soon enough...

Giki: Hey, good news you two! I heard Louga talking with Zuri earlier, and it turns out that Rutanami is already on her way back home!

Impthy: REALLY?!

Giki: Her bus gets in tonight at 5! And she's got the spice, too!

Nabootena: That's wonderful!

Impthy: All riiiight. To tell you the truth, I was starting to have my doubts...

Rauonjii: AHEM...

(Impa stands up and curtsies to Rauru)

Impthy: Oh, there you are Rauonjii, my love! I've finished writing in our exchange diary!

Rauonjii: Already? I'm impressed! Did you dictate your true feelings for me into writing?

Impthy: Of course, my darling beloved!

Rauonjii: Let's go somewhere private where I can read it... (turns to Ganondorf and Nabooru) If you'll EXCUSE me, Mr. Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Losers and Miss Girl Formerly Known as Prince, Impthy and I have something PRIVATE to discuss.

(He walks away, dragging Impa behind him. Nabooru scratches her head and Ganondorf smirks.)

Nabootena: Shouldn't we tell him that Miss Nabootena and I have switched bodies?

Giki: Naah. Let him figure it out.

(Scene: The same closet as before)

Rauonjii: Oh, I can't wait to read it...

Impthy: Trust me, my darling... Every word of it comes from the bottom of my heart!

(Suddenly, the intercom clicks on and Link's voice rings out across the school)

Louga: Attention all students, attention: Will Miss Nabootena Gerudo and Miss Impthy Sheikahmiya please report to my office immediately? Nabootena Gerudo and Impthy Sheikahmiya, please report to my office. Thank you. (click)

Impthy: Oh dear!

Rauonjii: Don't worry, my love... I'll read it by myself, and then I'll reply immediately, so we can finally know each other's true feelings.

Impthy: (curtsies, trying to hold back giggles) Farewell, my love... (she scampers off)

Rauonjii: (opens the diary and flips through it) Oh yes... Almost there... And she wrote... "Dear Rauonjii..." WAHAAAAAAAT?!

(He drops the book in surprise. Written in bright red, sprawling ink across two pages is the word: @$$HOLE!!!)

Rauonjii: (tearing up) IMPTHY! NABOOTENAAAAAAAA!

(Scene: The front of the school. Ganondorf, Zelda, Link, Nabooru and Impa wait in suspense as a bus carrying Ruto, Anju, Maron and Judo pulls up to the school.)

Nabootena: I'm so happy!

Impthy: At last, we'll be back to normal!

Louga: I can't believe she didn't screw up! It's amazing!

Zuri: Well, she isn't off the bus YET.

Giki: Aw, come on Zuri. How could she screw it up now?

(Ruto steps off the bus, her arm in a sling and her head wrapped up in a bandage. She throws her arms out and screams, with no shortage of panache.)

Rutanami: BIG BROTHERRRR! I ARRIVE AT LAST, BIG BROTHER, MY BACKPACK CONTAINING A BOX OF THE VERY MAGIC SPICE THAT TORE US APART!

Louga: (rolls eyes) That's great, Rutanami! I was sure you were gonna mess it up. And look, besides a few minor injuries, you look just fine!

(The Lackeys collapse off the bus, bruised and bleeding and covered in bandages. Anju is wearing a black Triforce signet on her finger)

Rutanami: (digs in her backpack, grabs the box) Here it is! The magic spice!

(She races towards Link, and the scene fades into a strange dream sequence by Ruto. She and Link and standing in a field, and running towards each other)

Rutanami: LOUGAAAA!

Louga: RUTANAMIIIII!

Rutanami: MY LOVE...

Louga: RUTANAMI!

Rutanami: Eh?

Louga: Watch out for that-

(Ruto trips in a pothole and hits the ground, smashing the box of spice below her.)

All: GASP!

Rutanami: WHAT?! NO! (the wind blows all of the spice away)

Impthy and Nabootena: THE SPICE!

(Everyone stands in silence, staring at the smashed box of spice)

Lackeys: THAT WAS THE LAST BOX THEY HAD!

Rutanami: And they said... (bursts into tears) THAT IT WOULD TAKE 200 YEARS TO MAKE MORE!

(Ruto and the Lackeys burst into tears, followed quickly by Impa and Nabooru. Ganondorf joins in a moment later, followed by Link. Zelda continues staring at the box.)

Louga: THE LAWSUITS! OH SWEET END OF THE WORLD, THE LAWSUITS!

Giki: MY DARLING! YOU'RE GONE FOREVER!

Impthy: MY BODDYYYYYY...

Nabootena: MY BODYYYYY!

Rutanami: NOW I'LL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO COME HOME AGAIN!

Lackeys: US EITHER! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Zuri: ... Bummer.

(They all, except Zelda, get into one big group hug and start sobbing pathetically. Zelda looks around, shrugs, and walks away)

All: IT'S SO HORRIBLE! WHYYYYY... WHYYYY?!

(The hysterics continue for five more minutes and then Zelda returns, carrying a box.)

Zuri: OK, let's stop the waterworks for a moment.

All: WHY? WE'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN! WAAAAAAA!

Zuri: Why don't you look and see what I found in the cooking classroom? (she holds up a box of MAGIC SPICE)

All: (eyes bug out of their heads) WHAT?!

Rutanami: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!

Lackeys: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Nabootena: But how? Nabootena and I used all the magic spice in our curry!

Impthy: ... Didn't we?

Zuri: Guess not. The box is full and unopened.

Rutanami: BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I watched them put it in their curry with MY OWN EYES!

Lackeys: WE SAW IT TOO!

Nabootena: Did you look and see what exactly we were putting in the curry?

Impthy: No, did you?

Rutanami: I didn't see EXACTLY what... It was a box!

Giki: BUT THIS... This is incredible! If they didn't even use the magic curry spice, then what did they use?

Zuri: This might answer your question. (She holds up an empty box of ordinary curry spice)

Impthy: Regular spice? But...

Louga: That doesn't make sense! If the ultra-super-hot-ANCIENT-MAGIC-Goron curry spice wasn't used in the curry... then what made it explode?

(They all throw confused looks at Nabooru [Impa])

Giki: No way...

Impthy: Impthy, it was your COOKING!

Nabootena: It was?

All: HER COOKING?

Giki: Your cooking made the curry explode? (blinks a few times) Wow. Em... I think I'll pass on that super-hot curry...

Louga: Then that means there's still time! QUICK EVERYONE! TO THE EAST DORM!

(Scene: Inside the East Dorm. Everyone except Nabooru [Impa] sits at the table, discussing the wonders of Impa's cooking.)

Giki: That's amazing. Curry that explodes and makes you switch bodies when you eat it!

Louga: You should sell the recipe. I bet you could make lots of money.

Rutanami: AND SEE Big Brother? I told you I wouldn't screw up! It turns out I didn't do anything wrong at all!

Lackeys: AND WE'RE NOT IDIOTS!

Louga: I apologize, Rutanami. I'm sorry I made you waste all that time in Death Mountain.

Rutanami: Y'know how you could make it up to me, Big Brother? (twirls her hair playfully, grins)

Louga: ... No.

Rutanami: Awww...

(Nabooru emerges from the kitchen, holding a large bowl of curry.)

Nabootena: I hope this works, everyone...

Impthy: Remember, only Impthy and I can eat it.

Nabootena: But if you're hungry, I made some Hot Pockets for the rest of you!

(They all look at each other and shudder)

All: Uh... no, we'll pass...

(They sit down, and Impa and Nabooru take bites out of the curry.)

Impthy: It really does taste good... When you look past the strange mind-switching properties.

Nabootena: I'm glad you like it.

(Suddenly, they hear a knock at the window. They all look up to see Rauru standing there with the diary, looking REALLY pissed off)

Rauonjii: IMPTHY! HOW COULD YOU DESTROY OUR SACRED DIARY OF LOVE WITH THAT HORRIBLE, CRUDE MESSAGE!

Impthy: Oh... yeah, I forgot about that. Sorry!

Rauonjii: (rips out two pages of the diary) I ORDER you to write a full-page apology to me, as well as another entry! How could you treat me so cruelly?

(Everyone rolls their eyes)

Rutanami: (sinister grin) Oh... Rauonjii, how rude of us! Would you like some curry?

Rauonjii: (snarls, stares at the curry, and his mouth starts to water) Why not? I am a little hungry... And who am I to turn down a big plate of food?

(He sits at the table and starts pigging out on the curry.)

Nachu: NACHU! NACHU! (Leaps up onto the table and starts eating the curry with a fork)

Rauonjii: Get out of here, you little cretin! This is my curry and you can't... (stops) Can't... Impthy, why is the curry flashing?

KABOOOOOOOOM!



(Scene: Darunia's office. King Zora is in there with him again, discussing their plan)

Zokage: It's done, sir. All of the Black Rose Triforce rings have been handed out to the people the educational filmstrip suggested.

Dakio: Good. Tomorrow, then. Inform the Student Council that there will be another duel tomorrow. Nabootena is to report to the arena at midnight.

Zokage: Midnight tonight or midnight tomorrow night?

Dakio: (sighs) YOU KNOW.

Zokage: Of course, sir. But wait a sec... I thought End of the World was the only one who could request a duel to be had.

Dakio: He is. This order comes from End of the World himself.

Zokage: But Dakio sir, you ordered... (blinks, suddenly realizes something) GREAT JABU-JABU! YOU'RE End of the World, Dakio?

Dakio: I was wondering when you'd figure it out.

Zokage: But you can't be End of the World. End of the World is supposed to be seen only by the Headmaster...

Dakio: I AM the Headmaster.

Zokage: But I thought you were the headmaster's son!

Dakio: Didn't I say I killed my father with an axe? I AM the Headmaster, and I am also End of the World. And I am also the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker, in case you were wondering. Now issue the order for the duel, NOW. If Nabootena thinks she's going to get the power to revolutionize the world, she's got another thing coming...

Zokage: (looking confused, as usual) But sir, I thought that only Lios could decide who got the... (eyes widen) Good Lord. You're not...

Dakio: I am. I AM LIOS! BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Zokage: But it can't be! You can't be Lios! Lios is stuck in the castle!

Dakio: YOU FOOL! I thought you knew this story! Lios and I are one and the same! I am the EVIL, SEX-CRAZED half of him, and the GOOD, PRINCELY half is stuck in the castle!

Zokage: Oh... right. How did that happen?

Dakio: I think you'll find out soon enough. Because after all, tomorrow, NABOOTENA WILL FALL TO THE BLACK ROSE DUELISTS, AND LIOS WILL REMAIN LOCKED UP FOREVER! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! (lightning and thunder strike) AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Zokage: I... I'll go now. (waddles VEEERRY slowly out of the office, leaving Darunia to laugh evilly) Wow. Won't Ganae be surprised to find out that her fiancé is actually half of the prince that resides in the Castle?

(Y'know, that sounded like a REALLY IMPORTANT plot point to me!)





(Scene: The East Dorm. Impa and Nabooru are preparing themselves for bed)

Impthy: It's been quite a trying week, hasn't it, Miss Nabootena?

Nabootena: It CERTAINLY HAS! I never, EVER want to eat curry again for as long as I live!

Impthy: I can't blame you, Nabootena... I never want to MAKE curry again for as long as I live!

Nabootena: I just can't handle anymore weirdness this week... Tomorrow, I'm just going to sit on my butt all day and do nothing!

(... Or maybe not.)

Impthy: I might make some more curry...

Nabootena: But you just said...

Impthy: Yeah, I know. But I need to correct one little... AHEM- Problem. (she points at the floor)

(Nachu is dressed in a green wig and a little Kendo outfit, swinging a sword around and screaming)

Nachu: NACHU! NACHUUUUUU!

(Meanwhile, out on the school grounds somewhere, Rauru is climbing a tree and eating a banana.)

Rauonjii: Chu... chu... chu... (takes a bite out of the banana) Chu...

(The branch snaps)

Rauonjii: CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU! (THUD!) (muffled, as if in pain) Chuuuu...




(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!


@-->-----@-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->-----

NEXT CHAPTER OF GASPLOZ: REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO NABOORU...

GG's Voice: This is it folks, next comes the second to the last chapter of RGN! ... Actually, I should say third to the last because after I finish the series chapters I'll do one for the movie, but anyway...

Nabooru: Could you just get on with it?

GG: Oh, right. Zokage and Dakio have handed out more rings! These new duelists are the BLACK ROSE duelists, and they're really pissed off too!

Black Rose Duelists: (holding up swords) WE'RE REALLY PISSED OFF!

GG: All of them want to defeat Nabootena, and all of them stand in her way of finally setting Impthy free!

Nabootena: (holds up her sword) All of them want to defeat me, and all of them are standing in my way of finally setting Impthy free!

GG: WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO?!

Black Rose Guys and Nabootena: WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO?

GG: Can Nabootena actually defeat Kazoo, Ganae, Malori, Katsuru, Anjuko, AND Saraba all at once? Will she finally receive the power to revolutionize the world? How many people are going to get swords pulled out of their chests? And most importantly, will Nabootena be able to ward off the advances of Dakio, who we're now sure is a REALLY BAD GUY?

Find out the answers of some of these questions in the next chapter of REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO NABOORU:

The Black Rose Saga In A Nutshell -or- Dude, There's A Sword In My Chest!