Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ Gracefully Cruel - (The Everloving Duct Tape!) ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: OK, it's me again! (obviously) Guess what? Remember how I told you that if a character was good or evil in Zelda didn't mean that they would be good or evil in the story? This chapter is where it comes in. The two big ones are Link and Darunia. OK, the character of Touga isn't actually evil, but I'll say that these next two chapters are more ZELDA than Utena. So if you've seen these episodes before (or if you see them later), don't be surprised if I totally over-dramatize the whole thing. Thank you, have a nice day!

(I just realized that that didn't make any sense at all. -_-)

Another new character alert- He actually doesn't appear in this chapter, but I thought I'd introduce him anyway, because they do mention his name.

King Zora... as Mikage. (Zokage)

(The theme song begins. All characters appear on a stage and start randomly shaking their butts)

She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!

She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something; you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

@-->--------- @-->--------- @-->--------- @-->--------- @-->---------

(GG runs across the stage with a posterboard that has the episode name written on it)

GRACEFULLY CRUEL: THE ONE WHO PICKS THAT FLOWER -and- PERHAPS, FOR FRIENDSHIP'S SAKE

(Scene: The Student Council elevator)

Louga: If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick, and the world is our egg. Actually, the world is more spherical. It's not a complete sphere, mind you! It's an OBLETE SPHEROID. There is a different! A sphere is a set of points in space that are all the same distance from a certain point. An oblete spheroid is-

Student Council: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND DO THE SCENE ALREADY!?

(Up in the Student Council tower, Link is practicing his fencing with Zelda. His shoulder is still in a bandage. Ganondorf is building card houses, and Ruto watches on.)

Zuri: Very nice. You're getting better by the day, Louga.

Louga: Of course I am! I'm gonna have Nabootena's head on a platter! BAH HAH!

Rutanami: (overjoyed) Her head on a platter! OOH! Can I see it?

Giki: (scowling, puts a card in place on a small house.) You had better not, Louga! I don't care if you are the president! You're not allowed to kill the other duelists.

(Ganondorf eyes a card house on the other table proudly: It's a spectacular 50 stories tall, with a spiral pattern inside)

Louga: I KNOW that. I just really wanna beat Nabootena badly... (snickers) Even though she's a hottie...

Rutanami: (chucks a book at him)

Louga: HEY! Watch the shoulder! Jeez Rutanami, I thought you were over me!

Rutanami: Whatever gave you THAT idea?

Louga: (sighs) Great.

Giki: Oh, and Louga?

Louga: Hmm?

Giki: IF you win... (squirms, puts another card on) And I'm not saying you won't... But if you win... you'll still let me see Impthy, won't you?

Louga: And why wouldn't I, dear Giki?

Giki: I don't know... it's just that some of the rest of you guys are a little... (eyes Zelda and Ruto) ...anal retentive in that matter.

Zuri: WHAT was THAT supposed to mean?

Giki: NOTHING!

Louga: Don't worry, Giki. The only thing I want with Impthy is the power. Once I receive it, I'll set her free for you.

Giki: Do you promise?

Louga: When have I ever lied to you?

Giki: Well... (checks watch) Approximately 1 hour ago when we were playing cards, you told me that you didn't have any queens, and I really saw that you had 3 of them.

Louga: (turns pink, still dueling Zelda) Not true!

Giki: And about... 5 hours and 24 minutes ago, you told me that I could take your car to go get lunch, and that it was parked in space 9B, but that was really someone else's car, and they beat me up.

Louga: (blocks a thrust from Zelda) Oh, well there's that...

(Ganondorf turns away from him)

Louga: (still dueling her) Oh, gimme a BREAK! Come on Giki, you actually think that newcomer Nabootena is the one who's gonna win?! She couldn't set Impthy free if her life depended on it! You actually don't think I can do it, do you?

Giki: Hmmph. (crosses arms) I don't care WHAT you say, Louga. Nabootena IS the girl of the revolution, and she IS gonna win. (tops off his card house, grins)

Louga: OH YEAH? (turns away from Zelda) WELL WHY DON'T- GAAAH! (grabs shoulder) WILL YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE STABBIN' THAT THING?

Zuri: Pay attention, dorkface!

Rutanami: HMMPH. (mumbling) I hope just for MY sake that Louga wins. I'm sick of hearing all about NABOOTENA all the time.

(Darunia enters, rolling over the banister while accompanied with sparkly sound effects)

Dakio: CIAO! (poses dramatically)

Student Council: (great collective groan)

Dakio: (whips out a mirror and comb) Hello, darling Student Councilors!

Student Council: (groan) Hello, Mr. Dakio...

Dakio: Training, are we? I hear you're up next to duel Nabootena, Louga...

Louga: (scores a hit on Zelda) Yeah, so what?

Zuri: That was good.

Dakio: To tell you the truth... I always thought dueling was simply BARBARIC... until I saw Miss Nabootena's fine performance last week against young Miss Rutanami...

Rutanami: DON'T RUB IT IN, OR I'LL MAKE YOUR BIG FAT LIP EVEN FATTER!

Giki: Down, girl.

Dakio: Yes... (walks over to the table, sits right on Ganondorf's small card house)

Giki: (gasps, turns red) HEY!

Dakio: A fine sport, dueling is! It's so exciting... the SWOOSH of the blades... (whips his comb around) The WHIP of a finely executed slash... The CLANG of the swords... and the whirling of rose petals as the winner makes the final strike!

(He whips his comb quickly. It slips out of his hands and flies across the room, crashing into Ganondorf's huge card house and toppling it)

Giki: (eyes tear up) MY... HOUSE!

Dakio: And what a prize there is to win! Oh, the prize, the prize! An engagement to my dear Sworn Sister, the beautiful Rose Bride! The Rose Bride, who is in fact, the key to a treasure most wondrous!

Louga: (stops dueling, just as Zelda slashes his shirt) Treasure?

Zuri: Will you PAY ATTENTION!?

Rutanami: (drooling at Link's open shirt) OOHHH...

Dakio: The Power, of course. Not only does the winner receive a spectacularly beautiful bride, but-

Giki: (slams his fist on the table and stands up) That's enough!

Dakio: (eyes Ganondorf like he would a bug) Excuse me?

Giki: How can you do that!?

Louga: Giki! Don't yell at Mr. Dakio!

Dakio: Do... what? (slicks back his hair)

Giki: How can you talk about your own sister like she's some kind of trophy?!

Zuri: (making a cutting motion across her throat) GIKIIII...

Dakio: A trophy? But my dear Mr. Secretary, that's precisely what she is. A trophy, a key presented to the winner.

Giki: SHE'S NOT A TROPHY! The Rose Bride is a human being! And quit calling her "The Rose Bride", dammit! She has a name, and it's Impthy!

Dakio: My goodness! I didn't know you felt so strongly on the issue... (moves in towards Ganondorf) Do you have... feelings, for the Rose-

Giki: IMPTHY.

Dakio: All right, all right, IMPTHY?

Zuri: (waves hands wildly, shakes head, mouthing the word "NO!")

Rutanami: (looks hopeful)

Louga: (watches, appears to be thinking about something)

Giki: I... I...

Dakio: HMM? Do you have feelings for my sister, Giki Dragmire?

Giki: Yes! YES I DO! ("Sunlit Garden" plays in the background, as Ganondorf speaks triumphantly) She is the apple of my eye! The cream in my coffee! The keyboard on my computer! The "START" button on my stopwatch! She is the batteries in my clock! The solar panel on my calculator! She makes my motor rev, my heart flutter, and my head get dizzy, she does! Impthy is my BEAUTY, my BELOVED, my SHINING THING!

(Zelda slaps her head, Ruto starts laughing maniacally, and Link raises his eyebrows, but still appears to be thinking)

Dakio: Oh, REALLY!? That's quite interesting! (stands up) Considering that it is AGAINST school rules to have any sort of relationship with the Rose Bride unless you are the champion!

Giki: (clamps hand over mouth) Whoops...

Dakio: (laughs quietly) Oh, how very interesting...

Giki: I... I didn't... we're not like, GOING OUT, but-

Dakio: It doesn't matter, Mr. Secretary. Once the Rose Bride has left your custody, you are no longer allowed to have any sort of friendship or romance with her! If you do, I have the right to EXPEL you!

Giki: NO! PLEASE! DON'T EXPEL ME!

Dakio: BAHAHAHAHAHAA! (lightning strikes in background)

Giki: (thinks for a sec) But WAIT! Isn't it also the rule that Impthy must comply to WHATEVER the current champion requests of her?

Dakio: Correct. (grinning evilly)

Giki: Miss Nabootena told Impthy that she was to act like a normal person, and to work towards becoming a normal person. INCLUDING loving whoever she wanted to! Impthy isn't doing anything wrong! The compliance rule is Rule #1! The relationship rule is Rule #2! Therefore the compliance rule takes precedence over the relationship rule! HA!

Dakio: BUT- (stops, thinks about it) GAAH!

Giki: (snickers) Heh heh heh... So you CAN'T expel me. Mr. Hotshot Student Dean!

Dakio: Oh, au contraire, Mr. Secretary! The INSTANT Impthy is removed from Nabootena's custody... The next time you even SPEAK to her, I CAN expel you!

Giki: So? Nabootena's gonna win! And she'll keep on winning until End of the World's dueling game is shattered and Impthy is free, ALONG with whatever's in that castle!

Dakio: (looks horrorstruck, then looks angry) Well... well... well FINE THEN! (stomps towards the elevator) Louga, I want to speak with you in my office ASAP!

Louga: Of course, Mr. Dakio.

Dakio: (glares at Ganondorf) This isn't over, Giki Dragmire! I'm keeping my eye on you! One wrong move and... (makes the cutting motion across his throat) Now GOODBYE!

(He rolls over the banister, accompanied by sound FX)

Dakio: CIAO!

(The banister cracks under his immense weight, and he goes tumbling down the elevator shaft)

Dakio: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH- WHAM!

Giki: Hmmph. Geh heh heh...

Zuri: WHAT have you gotten yourself into NOW, Giki? What are you doing making him into your enemy?!

Rutanami: (giggling) Oooooohh... you are SO DEAD! I can't WAIT to see you expelled!

Giki: Huh, whatcha mean? You heard him. I'm safe unless Nabootena loses. (rolls eyes) And like THAT'S ever going to happen...

Louga: (still staring at the elevator shaft) The key...

Voice from Elevator Shaft: SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR! GAAAAAH, MY BACK!

Zuri: Louga? LOUGA! Will you just pay attention to the match already? (slices the shirt right off his back.)

(Ruto faints)

Louga: (still staring) The Rose Bride... is the key to the power...

(Scene: The East Dorm. Impa is serving Nabooru breakfast. She sets a vase of flowers on the table along with breakfast)

Impthy: Here you are, Nabootena! French toast, just the way you like it!

Nabootena: (staring straight ahead, looking blank)

Impthy: Um, hello?

Nabootena: (still staring)

Impthy: Naboooootena... Earth to Nabootena! Are you all right?

Nabootena: (STILL staring)

Impthy: HEY!

Nabootena: HUH!? (looks around frantically) OH! It's you.

Impthy: Of course it's me! Nabootena, is something wrong?

Nabootena: No. (stares off blankly again, grabs a fork) I'm fine... (spears one of the flowers on the table with the fork and eats it)

Impthy: I'm worried about you. Ever since Mr. Louga got injured, you haven't been yourself.

Nabootena: I'm fine... (drinks from the flower vase)

Impthy: (bites her lip) Are you sure? You know you can tell me.

Nabootena: Well... it's just...

Impthy: What?

Nabootena: You know about my prince, don't you?

Impthy: Excuse me?

Nabootena: You mean I never told you about my prince?

Impthy: I don't believe so, Nabootena. (sits at the table, starts eating)

Nabootena: When I was a kid... My parents were killed and I wanted to die with them. I laid down in a coffin and waited... Waited to die.

Impthy: Oh, how sad!

Nabootena: Then he came. My prince... He came, and he gave me my signet ring. (holds it up) And he said, "Little princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older".

Impthy: Wow...

Nabootena: Then he left... and ever since then, it's been my dream to be like him. A prince who rescues damsels in distress. My other dream was to find him... I don't remember anything about him. I forgot how he looked, what he was wearing... I even forgot his name. All I remember is what he said.

Impthy: So he could be anyone?

Nabootena: Someone at this school. He told me that the ring would lead me to him. And that's why I'm here.

Impthy: So why are you acting all weird?

Nabootena: Because last week after Rauonjii tried to open the castle... When he stabbed Louga... Louga looked at me and said, "Little princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older..."

Impthy: Oh my goodness! Do you think- Do you think HE might be your prince?

Nabootena: I don't know! But if he is- Oh Impthy, I have to duel him tomorrow! What am I supposed to do?! If I win, I will have defeated my own prince... and he will never want to love me again. But if I lose... I'll lose you, my best friend, and my dream of being a prince myself!

Impthy: Oh, Nabootena...

Nabootena: (wailing) WHAT DO I DOOO?! WHAAAAT DO I DOOOOOO?!

Impthy: You should try your best, Nabootena. And if you win, then you win. But if you lose, then you lose. But as long as you do your best, it'll all be OK.

Nabootena: (looks at her strangely) That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Impthy: (sighs) I'm sorry...

Nabootena: But you're right. I'm not SURE that Louga is my prince! It could be someone else entirely!

(An image of Darunia enters her mind)

Nabootena: (shudders)

Impthy: What was that about?

Nabootena: Dakio. (shudders again)

Impthy: You don't like my Sworn Brother, do you?

Nabootena: Well of course not. He's a doodoo-head. Can he ever talk about anything but himself? (mimics him stupidly) CIAO!

Impthy: (sighs) I'm afraid I agree, Nabootena... He used to be different. My Sworn Brother used to be a wonderful person. But suddenly, he became egotistical and selfish.

Nabootena: Hmm. (sighs) If DAKIO is my prince, I would rather not be rescued by him again.

Impthy: Brother Dakio? Why would you think that he is your prince? Like you said, he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Nabootena: I dunno... (stands up triumphantly) Thanks for talking to me, Impthy! I feel a lot better now. Don't worry, I won't let anyone turn you into a slave again!

Impthy: (smiles) Thank you, Nabootena.

Nabootena: No, thank YOU! (skips off, stops in the doorway.) Whoa- did this room suddenly start... spinning?

(Races to the bathroom and vomits up the flower she ate earlier)

(Scene: The next day, just before Link and Nabooru's duel. Link is in his dorm straightening up his dueling outfit, and Ruto watches.)

Rutanami: Big brother, PLEASE don't do this! Your arm is still hurt, and it was that awful Nabootena's fault in the first place! She'll try to hurt you again, I know it!

Louga: Don't be silly, Rutanami. I'll be fine. If that stupid Nabootena thinks that she's gonna beat me, she's got another thing coming! Even ZURI can't beat me! BAHAHAHAHAA!

Rutanami: But big brother, she-

Louga: ... is a rookie! What has she had, like 4 duels? As compared to my- (counts on fingers) Actually, I've never dueled for the Rose Bride...

Rutanami: Exactly! You're going to get yourself-

Louga: A beautiful Rose Bride... and the power to revolutionize the world! They'll both be mine!

Rutanami: But didn't you tell Giki that-

Louga: Giki? Giki is a fool to have given up his want to duel! Now there is one less person to get in my way!

Rutanami: You certainly are acting strange today, big brother. I think that you may have been using a little too much anti-bacterial-

Louga: CREAM her! I'm gonna CREAM HER! I'm gonna mop the floor with her carcass! AAAHAHAHAHAA!

Rutanami: (crosses arms, sounding indignant) Y'KNOW WHAT, BIG BROTHER?! I give up! I'm sick of trying to convince you that you're being dumb! I'm just going to stay in my room and watch TV all afternoon and just hope that you're still alive and able to use all of your limbs by evening!

(She is about to stomp off somewhere, when the doorbell rings)

Louga: Could you get that, Rutanami dear? I'm busy with my hair. (squirts some gel onto a comb and slicks back his hair)

Rutanami: (rolls eyes) This is serious. Even I'M disgusted with him... (runs over to the door and opens it)

Dakio: (with sound effects, backflips into the house) CIAO!

Rutanami: Oh jeez... not YOU again! (towards the sky) WHAT IS IT, IDIOT DAY?!

Louga: Mr. Dakio! (sweeps a bow) Hello, hello...

Dakio: Hello, Louga! Hello young Rutanami!

Rutanami: Go... away. (stomps out of the room)

Dakio: Ah, getting ready for the big duel, I see?

Louga: Why yes, Mr. Dean!

Dakio: OOOH! Hair gel! (gets excited) I don't suppose I could have some? (points at his hair) I'm running low...

Louga: Of course, Mr. Dean!

(The two of them spray hair gel all over their heads and rub it in until their hair is slick and shiny- and harder than a motorcycle helmet)

Dakio: Now then... why was it that I stopped in here? OH, of course! I understand that you really want this power to revolutionize the world, hmmm Louga?

Louga: By all means sir. (bows) I'll do almost anything to get it.

Dakio: Really? How interesting... (smiles) Because that's what I thought you would say.

Louga: Really, Mr. Dean?

Dakio: Oh please, call me Dakio. It has a nice ring to it...

Louga: Of course, Dakio.

Dakio: You see, Louga... Impthy Sheikahmiya is not only the Rose Bride... she's my sister. SWORN sister, that is.

Louga: Really?

Dakio: Yes, really. And you see... I've recently found out that another of the duelists... Giki Dragmire, has rather... STRONG feelings for her.

Louga: I knew that, sir.

Dakio: And you didn't tell me?

Louga: Er- (blushes) I'M SORRY SIR! (tries to kiss his shoes)

Dakio: Uh... no, no, don't do that. It's just that... well, I do care a great deal about my Sworn Sister... I have known her since I was a child. And I don't think that Mr. Dragmire could really give my sister everything that she needs to be happy.

Louga: What do you mean, sir?

Dakio: Well... that's not really what I'm trying to get at here. What I'm trying to say is- Nabootena Gerudo. She is a problem.

Louga: (raises eyebrows) Huh?

Dakio: Not only does she support Giki Dragmire in his attempts to win my poor sister's heart... She forces Impthy to do humiliating things. Things that no one as esteemed and honored as the Rose Bride should ever do.

Louga: (eyes get very small) Huh?

Dakio: (stares at him for a minute) GAAAH! No, not like THAT, you sicko! HORRIBLE HUMILIATING things! Like make friends! And learn to cook pasta! And play checkers! And ride a bike! And watch cartoons! And learn to operate both a Macintosh and an IBM computer!

Louga: ... NORMAL things?

Dakio: Yes, NORMAL things! Things that no sister of mine could ever be caught dead doing! Laughing! And smiling! And learning to interior decorate! Adopting stamp collecting as a healthy and productive hobby! And... (shudders) EATING PIZZA!

Louga: ...

Dakio: Mr. Louga, my sister was brought up under the same roof as me! A fine, wealthy roof! None of the Farore clan would even THINK about doing something like that!

Louga: But her last name's Sheihamiya!

Dakio: That's her maiden name. Nabootena Gerudo is a terrible influence on my sister, and while the rules say that I cannot take my sister away from the current champion, they also say that there is someone who can!

Louga: (on the edge of his figurative seat) WHO? WHO?

Dakio: (looks at him slyly, with evil oozing in his voice) LOUGA HYLIANA!

Louga: ME?!

Dakio: That's right, President Louga! YOU are the next to duel Nabootena- and YOU are the only one who can win my sister from the clutches of that terrible Nabootena!

Louga: But sir, I don't think you should favor me this way! In all fairness-

Dakio: FAIRNESS? PUH, the duels were never about FAIRNESS! They're about winning the fabulous prize for yourself! A power beyond that of ANYTHING you could ever imagine! The power to change the whole world by yourself!

Louga: Change the whole world...

Dakio: When I think of a name of someone fit to carry this title, the first name that comes to me is... LOUGA!

Louga: (dreamily) LOUGA!

Dakio: (puts his arm around Link's shoulder) HYLIANA!

Louga: HYLIANA! (drooling)

Dakio: YOU are the destined one, Louga! You have the power to defeat Miss Nabootena... now use it!

Louga: (salutes) YES SIR! I won't let you down!

Dakio: ME? Why Louga, you'd only be letting yourself down if you lost. It's all about you.

Louga: Yeah... me... All about me... (eyes glaze over) It's all about me...

Dakio: And Louga?

Louga: Yes? (day-dreaming)

Dakio: Let's keep this little chat a secret between us.

Louga: Oh, by all means, sir! (bows) Thank you sir!

Dakio: You're welcome. (winks) See you at the duel. (backflips out the door, accompanied by sound FX) CIAO!

Louga: (watches Darunia leave, mumbling to himself) Me... me... yes, he's right... I am the true champion... it's all about me... Secret... it's all a secret...

Rutanami: (clears throat, steps out from the hallway) AHEM.

Louga: Hi Rutanami! I'm off to the duel!

Rutanami: Oh no you're not! I heard the whole conversation with that jerk!

Louga: Rutanami, he had nothing to say but the truth. (slicks back his hair with more gel, humming the end theme song)

Rutanami: (crosses arms) I hope you don't duel very often after this. You act like a real jerk when you do.

(she heads out of the room, mumbling)

Rutanami: Stupid dueling... stupid, stupid dueling... if he wins, I'll- WAIT! (talking very quickly) I just heard a very, very important conversation that more than likely affects a plot point coming up later this chapter! If I tell someone what I heard, it may change the course of events! It may affect all of history! I may save someone's life! (gasps) AND I MIGHT MAKE LOUGA FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!!!! (giggles- then stops) No, wait- If I were to tell someone that Louga and Dakio are probably planning to cheat, that means that it would benefit Nabootena Gerudo who I despise more than anyone in the whole entire world! It may mean that she WINS the duel and the power, which would mean that my dear big brother does not win, which would mean that he would be sad! And if he is sad that probably means that he will not want to be loved, or love anyone else, which puts me in the awkward position that I've been in ever since I showed up on this show! GOOD GRIEF! I CAN'T TELL ANYONE! HA! (throws head in the air and walks into her room)

(Scene: The dueling arena- or at least the path to it. Nabooru marches triumphantly up the stairs, as the chorus singers sing the Long and Annoying Weird Song.)

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!

ARROWHEAD!
SPIDER'S WEB!
EIGHTH-GRADE YEARBOOK!
CHALK!
GORGONZOLA!
NESTLE QUIK!
BANANA!
BANANA!

LYNRD SKYNRD!
STEPPENWOLF!
DANCES WITH!
SHOP!
OSCAR-FEST!
LIGHTNING QUEST!
DOLLHOUSE!
GAMEBOY!

OFFICEJET!
FAX MACHINE!
SILK STOCKINGS!
FISH!
BEN & JERRY'S!
HARRY POTTER!
MISTLETOE!
MISTLETOE!

(Nabooru reaches the top of the tower, and finds 4/5ths of the Student Council, Darunia and Impa waiting for her. The deck chairs are out again, and Zelda returns with a container of nachos)

Chorus Singers:
EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! SUBSITUTION! RESOLUTION! LOOK-AT-YOU-TION! WE-DON'T-MAKE-NO-SENSE-A-TUTION! ... boom.

Impthy: Hello, Nabootena!

Louga: Ready to LOSE?!

Nabootena: Ready as I'll ever be.

(Impa gasps and Link snickers)

Nabooru: I MEAN, not to lose! Ready to duel!

Giki: (waving his Nabooru flag) GO NABOORU! GO NABOORU! GO NABOORU! GOGO!

Zuri: (pulls out her video camera) Now this I GOTTA see! This is gonna be the best duel ever! Too bad Rauonjii can't watch it.

Rutanami: He's still SUSPENDED! HA! (waving a Link flag) GO LOUGA-POO!

Dakio: (has brought a deluxe La-Z-Boy up into the arena) Ho hum. Let's get started, Impthy.

Impthy: (pins an orange rose to Nabooru's shirt and a green one to Link's) Whoever loses their rose first loses the duel. Nabootena?

Nabootena: Go ahead, Impthy.

(Impa downs a bottle of all-natural homeopathic pain pills and spreads out her hands)

Impthy: Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and obey your- WAAAA! MASTER! (bends over backwards with the sword popping out of her chest)

(Nabooru catches her and pulls out the sword, striking a dramatic pose)

Nabootena: Give me the power to bring the world revolution!

Student Council: OOOOH! AAAAAAH!

Impthy: OWIE WOWIE!

Dakio: Ho hum.

Nabootena: (drops Impa, and points her sword at Link) OK Louga, let's- Oh, sorry.

Impthy: IT'S UNDER CONTROL! (gags, crawls to the side) Go get'm, Nabootena!

Louga: Ready? (gets ready to strike)

Nabootena: (also gets ready) Ready...

Louga: 1...

Nabootena: 2...

Louga: 3...

Both: ENGAURDE! HIIIIIIIYA!

(The two of them lash out at the same time, both thrusting and guarding and blocking and clanking their swords together, much to the excitement of the other Student Council guys.)

Other Student Council Guys: MUCH TO OUR EXCITEMENT! WOOOO! YEAAAAH!

Giki: GO NABOOTENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS- Oh sorry, WARRIOR PRINCE OF LOVE!

Rutanami: YEAH! GO LOUGA! SHOW THAT STUPID NABOOTENA WHO'S BOSS!

Giki: (gives her the Death Look)

Rutanami: (gives him the Evil Eye)

(They tackle each other and start beating each other up)

Zuri: (videotaping it) THE SUSPENSE IS SO THICK YOU COULD CUT IT WITH A KNIFE! RAUONJII, YOU ARE GONNA BE SO SORRY YOU MISSED THIS! HAAAAA! LOOK AT 'EM GO!

Dakio: (watches in suspense) Come on, Louga...

Impthy: (clasps her hands together and looks worried) Oh, Nabootena! LOOKOUT!

(Nabooru narrowly dodges a strike by Louga)

Nabootena: GAH!

Louga: HIIIIIIYA! (clashes swords with her- they stay struggling to hold off the other's attack)

Nabootena: You're quite... skilled at dueling... Mr. Louga...

Louga: I certainly am...

Nabootena: I don't intend to lose...

Louga: Neither do I... My dear princess...

Sound FX: BADUM!

Nabootena: (heart pounds) WHAT?!

(Link pushes her so she almost falls over backwards)

Louga: (sounding sinister) It looks beautiful on you... That Triforce ring... as beautiful as it did when you first got it...

Nabootena: (sweating, pushes to try and regain her position) SHUT UP!

Louga: Funny... (tries to push her down again) How your sweat falls on the ground like your tears did... Only this time, not on roses... And this time, I can't kiss them away and comfort you...

Nabootena: (gasping) SHUT UP! PLEASE SHUT UP!

Louga: What's the matter? (clashes blades again) Does it bother you when I talk about your parent's deaths?

Nabootena: (struggling) ... (gasps)

/\/\/\/\/\ BRIEF FLASHBACK! /\/\/\/\/\

(A young Nabooru dressed as a princess sobs in a garden surrounded by rose petals. Two coffins are near her. A figure in prince clothes wraps his arms around her and kisses her)

Nabootena: PAPA! MAMA!

The Figure: Little Princess who is so noble and tempermental... (the shadow starts to fall away from his face)

Nabootena: Who... who are you?

The Figure: Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older...

Nabootena: But Mama and Papa...

The Figure: (more shadow fades to reveal half of his face) Someday, princess... someday this ring will lead you to me...

Nabootena: (holds up the ring on her hands, it flashes with a white light and reveals the shadow's face)

Louga: Nabootena, my princess...

Nabootena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Nabootena: (screams, pulls her blade away)

Louga: YAAAAAAAAAAAH-

CLINK!

(Everyone gasps as a flash of light appears from Link's sword. Nabooru falls to the ground and the Sword of Lios falls from her hands.)

Nabootena: NOOOOOOO!

Louga: Huh? (stops, look around) Nabootena?

Nabootena: DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU'RE NOT MY PRINCE! YOU CAN'T BE!

Louga: (smiles) I didn't touch you, Nabootena. (points to the ground near her face)

Nabootena: What? (looks to her left and sees a single orange rose petal) A ROSE PETAL!? (she looks at her shirt and sees that the rose is gone) NO!

Giki: WHAT?! (a few orange rose petals fly by him) NABOOTENA! You...

Zuri: (drops her video camera) SHE... CRAP, that camera cost 2000 RUPEES!

Dakio: Nabootena Gerudo...

Impthy: She LOST?! (gasps) What... what's happening to me?! (her eyes start glowing purple and she collapses onto her knees, her chest glowing)

Nabootena: NOOO! I couldn't have lost! IT CAN'T BE! (races to grab her sword, but it vanishes into a flash of light before she can touch it) Impthy, no!

(The light touches Impa and her chest stops glowing. She bows her head and pretty soon her eyes don't glow either. She stands up.)

Impthy: The winner of the duel is Mr. Louga!

Louga: OH YEAH! (starts dancing)

Impthy: Mr. Louga is the new champion and is now engaged to the Rose Bride... (she starts to walk towards him)

Giki: IMPTHY! STOP! (Races towards her, and is stopped by Darunia)

Dakio: AH-AH-AAAHHH! Remember the rules, Giki Dragmire! If you touch her or talk to her... you'll be expelled!

Giki: But-

Nabootena: (rushing to stop Impa) No Impthy, please! You're my best friend, I-

(Ruto steps in front of her)

Rutanami: No way, Nabootena! She's not your best friend anymore! You can't even talk to her! (giggles maniacally)

Nabootena: But- (eyes tear up) But your dream... What about being normal, Impthy? What about-

Impthy: The Rose Bride is not normal. She is the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: Don't talk like that! (jumps up) Stop saying thing like-

Louga: SHH. Don't bother the Rose Bride, Nabootena. I won, fair and square. She is now engaged to ME.

Nabootena: Quit acting like she's a prize! She's not a prize, she's a person.

Impthy: No, I'm not. The Rose Bride is not a person, Miss Nabootena. She is the Rose Bride.

Nabootena: (crying) QUIT MAKING HER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!

Louga: You idiot! I'm not making her say anything! What she's saying is the truth! You actually thought that YOU could make her normal?! Why are YOU so special?

Nabootena: I...

Louga: You're not a superhero, Nabootena! You're not a prince, either! You're just a stupid girl who thinks she can do miracles!

Nabootena: But she told me herself...

Louga: The Rose Bride has no free will of her own! She believes what her master wants her to believe, and says what she thinks will make her master happy!

Nabootena: Impthy... (drops to her knees) No, Impthy, don't go! You're my best friend, I can't just let you walk away!

Impthy: (looks at her blankly) Please do not be sad, Miss Nabootena. It was a very good duel. Maybe next time.

Louga: Come on, Impthy... let's go.

Impthy: Yes, Mr. Louga...

Louga: That's MASTER Louga.

Impthy: Of course, Master Louga...

Louga: NO! Master Louga With The Perfect Hair!

Impthy: Certainly, Master Louga With The Perfect-

Louga: And the Bulging Muscles!

Impthy: And the Bulging Muscles-

Louga: Who is the sexiest man alive!

Impthy: Who is the sexiest man alive!

(They walk out of the dueling arena, Link laughing maniacally. Ganondorf runs towards them, but stops at the stairway.)

Zuri: I can't believe it! YOU LOST! AND I broke my camera! JEEZ, what a day! (leaves)

Rutanami: (laughs evilly) OH LOUGA-POO! WAIT FOR ME! LET ME SHARE HER WITH YOU! COME ON, I HAVE SOME IRONING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! (leaves)

Dakio: Geh heh heh... Well, well... Nabootena Gerudo, the Prince... is nothing without her Rose Bride. (snickers and walks out of the arena)

Giki: Impthy! (turns to Nabooru, who is still kneeling on the floor crying) WELL!? Nabootena, don't just let him leave! Make him duel you again! Win her back for us!

Nabootena: ...

Giki: (exasperated) COME ON! Nabootena, you can still challenge him again before he leaves the tower! Nabootena, please!

Nabootena: I...

Giki: You're the Revolutionary Girl, the prince! You're the only one who can set Impthy free! Please, Nabootena! She's your best friend, and my shining thing! Don't let Louga have her!

Nabootena: I... (sobs) CAN'T!

Giki: AND WHY NOT?!

Nabootena: Because he's right... (collapses) I'M NOT A PRINCE... I'm nothing without the power of the Rose Bride... I... am not a prince...

Giki: (throws down his container of nachos angrily) NABOOTENA! You honestly believe what Louga said?! I don't believe this!

Nabootena: I believe it because it's the truth, you moron!

Giki: (looks at her in rage) If you're going to give up so easily, then Louga's right! You're no prince! (he stomps out of the arena, screaming in rage)

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----
(OH NO! NOT NOW! IT'S THE SHADOW PLAY SCENE!)

(Skull Kid staples a piece of paper to a telephone pole)

S-ko: BOOHOOOHOOOOO! WAAAAA! I'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN!

G-ko: WHY SO SAD?! WHY SO SAD?! WHY IS LITTLE S-KO SAD?!

S-ko: I've lost my best friend... My kitten!

M-ko: (steps in matter-of-factly) You should put up posters!

S-ko: I CAN'T! I WON'T!

T-ko: And why not?! KOO-LOO LIMPAH!

S-ko: BECAUSE IT'S HOPELESS! NO ONE EVER RESPONDS TO THESE THINGS ANYWAY! My poor little kitten is probably dead by now!

G-ko: HAVE SOME FAITH! HAVE SOME FAITH! HAVE SOME FAITH YOU LITTLE DWEEB!

T-ko: With that attitude, S-ko will never find S-ko's kitten!

M-ko: (shakes his head sadly) What a shame.

S-ko: BOOOHOOO! (his tears fill up the stage and all four of them float away)
@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

(Scene: The next day, in Nabooru's dorm. She is lying on the bed, utterly depressed. All of Impa's things are gone, as well as Nachu.)

Nabootena: I can't believe... I've wasted all this time... Trying to be someone I'm not...

(She hears a voice echoing in her head)

The Figure: Little princess...

Nabootena: I can't believe... my whole life... I've been nothing but a fake, a wannabe...

The Figure: Noble and tempermental...

Nabootena: Louga was right... I am a hopeless nothing...

The Figure: Someday... Someday...

Nabootena: From this day forward... I will never be a prince again...

(Scene: Link and Ruto's dorm. Ruto is cleaning Mr. Booboo's litter box, while Link lays on his butt scratching Mr. Booboo and watching Impa do his chores)

Louga: Ah, Impthy! Do be so kind as to vacuum my pants, too... I've spilled your fine curry all over them...

Impthy: Yes, Master Louga...

Rutanami: BIG BROTHERRRRR!

Louga: Hmm?

Rutanami: (stomps in from the other room, covered in cat litter dust) TELL YOUR STUPID CAT TO NOT POOP SO MUCH!

Louga: Oh come on, Rutanami. It's not so bad... (scratches Mr. Booboo) Yes, that's my good wittle kitty...

Mr. Booboo: Meow.

Rutanami: WHY DO I HAVE TO CLEAN THE LITTER?! IMPTHY'S the Rose Bride, make HER do it!

Louga: Impthy is busy, Rutanami. I think my own sister could do something nice for the SCHOOL CHAMPION once and a while.

Impthy: Oh no, I will do it, Master Louga... (takes the litter from Ruto and starts scrubbing the box)

Rutanami: HMMPH! See? She likes it!

Impthy: Yes, I like it, Master Louga.

Louga: I see... Do you also like to give foot massages?

Impthy: Of course, Master Louga...

Louga: Then why don't you let Rutanami finish the litter box and you come over here and give me a nice little foot rub?

Impthy: (bows) Yes, Master Louga... (starts rubbing his feet)

Rutanami: WHAAAAAT?! (throws down the litter box) I REFUSE TO BE OUT-FOOT-MASSAGED BY THAT MINDLESS IDIOT! Let ME rub your feet, big brother!

Louga: MMMM... (points at Ruto) Impthy, please tell Rutanami I find her repulsive and stupid and I wish she would go bother someone else. And I want her to wash my car.

Impthy: (sounding mean) Rutanami, you're repulsive and stupid! Why don't you go bother someone else?! Go wash Master Louga's car, or something!

Rutanami: (gasps) I HATE YOU EVEN MORE THAN I DID WHEN YOU WERE WITH NABOOTENA, IMPTHY!

Impthy: Very well, Miss Rutanami.

Louga: Good girl, Impthy. Now make me some more pancakes.

Impthy: Yes, Master Louga...

Louga: And tell Rutanami that if she wants to touch my feet so much, she can have the pancake that you cook with your bare, unwashed, covered-in-my-foot-fungus hands.

Impthy: Of course, Master Louga. (runs into the kitchen, calling) HEY RUTANAMI! If you wanna touch Master Louga's feet so much, you can have the first pancake! The one that I'll cook with my bare, unwashed, covered-in-his-foot-fungus hands!

Rutanami: (growling) I HATE BOTH OF YOU!

(She pitches the litter box against the wall, and races out of the room screaming)

Louga: Oh dear... Impthy, when you're done with my pancake, could you kindly clena up that nasty Mr. Booboo Kitty Box Poopy Mess all over the wall?

Impthy: As you wish, Master Louga... (bows)

Louga: (smiles) Oh, it's good to be the champion... (scratches chin) Now if only I could get that power...

(Scene: The bridge over the river by the castle. Saria is waiting for Nabooru, but Nabooru seems to be late.)

Saraba: Oh, where could she be?! She's never THIS late!

Girl #1: Hey, Saraba! What are you doing?

Saraba: I'm waiting for my BOYFRIEND! She's late!

Girl #2: (scratches head) Um... You mean... He?

Saraba: NO! She!

Girl #1: ... Um, OK... (both walk away, shaking heads sadly)

Saraba: Hmmm...

(Saria hears gasps of horror and quiet mumbling, and she sees someone parting the crowd up ahead)

Saraba: Oh, that's GOT to be Nabootena! No one else parts crowds like she does!

(Nabooru steps out of the crowd, hanging her head low)

Saraba: HI, NABOOTE- (sees Nabooru, screams) AAGGGGH! HOLY NABOOTENA IN A GIRL'S SCHOOL UNIFORM!

(Nabooru is wearing an orange GIRL'S school uniform! And NO PINK PARACHUTE PANTS! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!)

Saraba: AAGGGGGH, NABOOTENA! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!!

Nabootena: Clothes.

Saraba: Well YEAH, but they're... THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!

Nabootena: I am a girl.

Saraba: BUT NABOOTENA! You hate skirts! And what about your parachute pants?!

Nabootena: Saraba, are we going to lunch or not? I really would not like to discuss my wardrobe all day.

Saraba: (shuts up, follows Nabooru, shaking her head in shock)

(Scene: The courtyard. Nabooru and Saria are sitting at a table eating, and everyone keeps stopping to stare)

Saraba: But I don't get it, Nabootena! WHY THE SKIRT?!

Nabootena: It's what I'm supposed to wear.

Saraba: But you always wear a boy's uniform!

Nabootena: (snapping) Well today I decided to wear something different, OK!?

Saraba: OK, OK... No need to be rude.

Zuri: (stops at the table with her lunch, stares at Nabooru) Holy-

Nabootena: YES, I KNOW.

Zuri: (whistles) I never thought it'd happen... (walks away, shaking her head)

Nabootena: (stares at her ring, sighs)

Saraba: Aren't you going to eat, Nabootena?

Nabootena: (snapping) You think you could get off my case for ONE SECOND, Saraba?! I'm not hungry, OK?!

Saraba: (looks hurt) All right, all right. (starts eating again)

Rutanami: (walks by the table, sees Nabooru, stares for a second) Nabootena, you-

Nabootena: I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT FROM YOU, RUTANAMI!

Rutanami: EEEEAAIEE! (runs off)

Saraba: That was awful mean.

Nabootena: Yeah, well BOTHERING ME ALL DAY ABOUT MY OUTFIT is mean too!

(Ganondorf walks by and eyes Nabooru, sighing. He then stomps away across the courtyard and sits by himself to eat, joined a moment later by Kazoo)

Giki: (mumbling) Quitter.

Saraba: Hey, what's up with Giki? Isn't he gonna sit with us today?

Nabootena: I guess not! (sighs)

Saraba: Did something happen between you?

Nabootena: Is it any of your business?

Saraba: (scowls, keeps eating) I don't know what happened between you guys, Nabootena, but you don't have to be mean to me because of it.

Voice: Why hello, Nabootena!

(The two of them look up to see Link, with Impa at his heels, walking through the courtyard like he runs the place.)

Nabootena: Oh CRAP.

Saraba: Hi, Mr. President! Have you got Rauonjii back in school yet?

Louga: (looks at her, repulsed) I don't know WHY you find him so attractive, you idiot. He'd never want someone like you.

Saraba: (mouth drops) WHAT IS IT, JERK DAY?!

Louga: (snickers) Say hello to Miss Saraba and Miss Nabootena, Impthy.

Impthy: (bows low) Hello, Miss Saraba and Miss Nabootena.

Saraba: Hi, Impthy. Glad you finally made it for lunch! I've been saving a spot for you! (clears off her stuff)

(Impa eyes Saria like she was a piece of ABC gum, and steps behind Link again.)

Impthy: I'm not INTERESTED in sitting by you two losers.

Saraba: HUH?!

Louga: Maybe Impthy doesn't WANT to sit by the PRINCE and her- (sees Nabooru) What the-

Nabootena: (mumbling)

Louga: (rubs his eyes) Oh my- I never thought I'd see this! (eyes Nabooru) NABOOTENA GERUDO... in a GIRL'S uniform!

Nabootena: (mumbles)

Louga: What was that?

Nabootena: Eat me.

Louga: Oh my, in a bad mood, are we? You needn't be such a sore loser. You can take turns with the Rose Bride. Can't she, Impthy?

Impthy: (bows) Yes, Master Louga. You can take TURNS, Miss Nabootena.

Nabootena: (smacks her head into the table, groaning)

Louga: (shakes his head at Nabooru) If you're going to act like this because of what I said in the tower, maybe it's better that I DID beat you. What kind of a prince wears girly clothes and acts all weird all the time?

Saraba: The Artist!

Nabootena and Louga: (stare at her) ... WHAT?

Saraba: The Artist Formerly- Or wait, he's Prince again now. He dresses in girly clothes and acts weird.

Louga: (rolls eyes) Holy crap, THIS is why I don't eat in the courtyard. (turns back to Nabooru) Too bad you quit. Quitters can't be princes.

Nabootena: (takes a deep breath, lets out a wail)

Louga: Come along, Impthy. Let's leave Nabootena to her brooding.

Impthy: Coming, Master Louga.

Louga: And Nabootena- (winks suavely) You look very sexy without those goofy parachute pants.

Nabootena: (bursts into tears) EWWWWW!

(Link and Impa walk away, and Saria stabs a pickle in her chicken salad with a fork angrily)

Saraba: Who does he think he is, talking to us like that? Why didn't you stand up for us, Naboo- (sees her crying) JEEZ! What happened to you, Nabootena? Why are you so strange all of a sudden? Did you have a fight with Impthy? Why doesn't she want to sit with us like she usually does? Did you make her and Giki break up? Did you cheat off of them on a test? Did you have to duel Louga? Did you lose? Did Impthy get engaged to him? Is that why she's being so mean? Then why is Giki mad at you? Did you lose on purpose? Did you-

Nabootena: (fists shaking)

Saraba: ... Rose Bride? Did you make out with her brother? Is her brother actually YOUR brother and you knew all the time but didn't tell her? Whose line is it, anyway? Do you know the way to go to San Jose? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? What exactly can you do in Denver when you're dead? But most importantly, who wants to be a million-

Nabootena: (screams in rage) WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?! (smacks her upside the head)

(Everyone in the courtyard stops eating and gasps. Saria sits there, her mouth wide open in shock, and her face bright red. Nabooru is seething with anger)

Saraba: (gasps)

Nabootena: WHAT PART OF "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!

(Saria glares at Nabooru, jumps up onto the table, and punches her in the face. Nabooru screams and grabs her nose in pain, then slaps Saria with her free hand. Saria kicks Nabooru in the stomach, and Nabooru grabs her by the hair. Pretty soon the two of them are rolling around on the floor, beating the crap out of each other while others watch.)

(Both are screaming random profanities)

Saraba: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH-

Nabootena: ...JUST LEAVE ME ALONE-

Saraba: ... DON'T HAVE TO BE SO-

Nabootena: ... TAKE "NO" FOR AN ANSWER-

Saraba: ... @&@$&!

Nabootena: ... @&$%$* LITTLE #&$*%, JUST LEAVE ME THE ^%&*-

Saraba: ... GO TO ^$#$^# $%*#@&@*, YOU PMS-Y LITTLE @$#& $&%*@!

Both: @&$&@*^%&@%&@!*!*%&@&%#&!*!%&@#&%&! !!

(Ganondorf and Kazoo race over, and rip the two apart. Kazoo drags Saria, kicking and screaming, and Ganondorf pulls Nabooru by the hair)

Giki and Kazoo: STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Saraba: @&$*$!

Nabootena: @&$&%*&*@!!!

Giki: What the hell's the matter with-

Kazoo: -you two? Why are you fighting like-

Giki: -enemies?! You're BEST FRIENDS, you stupid-

Kazoo: -idiots! Why are you ripping out each-

Giki: -other's hair like you're-

Both: ENEMIES?!?!

Saraba: (fights out of Kazoo's grip) FORMER best friends, you mean!

Nabootena: (growling in anger)

Saraba: Now I don't know WHAT happened to you, Nabootena, but I don't like it at all! It's like the nice part of you is gone! Like someone's stolen a piece from the jigsaw puzzle that is you!

Nabootena: LEMME GO, GIKI!

Giki: Shut up, she's talking!

Saraba: If someone's taken something of yours, you FIGHT to get it back! The big reason I liked you before is that you were BRAVE! You were STRONG! You were a PRINCE! You didn't take crap from anyone, and you always said what was on your mind! Now, you're just bitter and cranky! Well, I'm not going to speak to you ever again if you don't shape up, take back what was yours, and BE NICE TO ME! (bursts into tears) OR IS IT BECAUSE I'M SHORT?! (stomps away angrily)

Nabootena: (speechless)

Kazoo: JEEZ! Do us all a favor and take your Midol before class, Nabootena! (stomps off) Coming, Giki?

Giki: Just a sec! (drops Nabooru, she falls to the ground and starts sobbing)

(He faces the crowd)

Giki: COME ON! THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Go eat your lunches, I'm sick of dealing with you!

(They all walk off. Ganondorf kneels next to Nabooru)

Giki: Nabootena, come on! This isn't like you at all!

Nabootena: SHE'S RIGHT! I HAVE LOST SOMETHING, I'VE LOST IMPTHY! SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND...

Giki: Yeah, I know, I know! Impthy was the realization of your dream, Nabootena! You're HER prince! You've got to challenge Louga again and get her back!

Nabootena: I CAN'T!

Giki: (rolls eyes) Oh jeez, not this again!

Nabootena: ... IMPTHY WAS THE ONLY THING THAT WAS HOLDING MY DREAM TOGETHER, AND NOW SHE'S JUST AS MEAN TO ME AS LOUGA!

Giki: (scowls) Then it wasn't your real dream then, was it?

Nabootena: Wha?

Giki: Your dreams come from YOU, not from someone else, Nabootena! If you don't have the initiative to take back your best friend- both of them, now that Saraba's sick of you- Then you're going to have to accept the consequences- being alone! (stands up angrily) I can't even stand to talk to you anymore!

Nabootena: (snarls) Why are you so angry at me, Giki?! It's not my fault that I lost! I'm sorry that Impthy's gone, but you just have to accept it! You weren't even the one fighting! You're the most selfish person I know!

Giki: It's not the fact that you LOST that irks me, it's the fact that you're giving up! (stomps off) If you won't get Impthy back... then I WILL!

Nabootena: (picks herself up, grabs her stuff and runs to her dorm in silence)

(Scene: Very late that night. Link is lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He hears voices in his head. Impa is asleep on the floor next to him, and we can hear Ruto snoring from the other room.)

Louga: ...

Voices: (all echo-y and mysterious) It's so close you can feel it, Louga. You can feel the power getting closer to you.

Louga: But I thought that once the Rose Bride was mine, I would HAVE the power!

Voices: That's not how it works, Louga... You've got to duel...

Louga: But I DID duel!

Voices: More, Louga... duel more! Defeating Nabootena was only the first step! Now you've got to PROVE that you're worthy of the power...

Louga: Worthy... prove I'm worthy...

Voices: You've got to prove that you can defeat Rauonjii... The true WORTHY one doesn't need any best friends like that loser... You've got to prove that you can defeat Zuri... She is the so-called champion of fencing, but she's nothing compared to the true champion of EVERYTHING...

Louga: Rauonjii and Zuri...

Voices: You've got to prove that you can defeat Giki... His temper is more violent than all of yours put together, and the champion can overcome ANY force, even the temper of a lovestruck idiot like him... You've got to prove that you can defeat Rutanami... Your own flesh and blood cannot even stand in your way for this great honor...

Louga: Giki and Rutanami... Yes, I must beat them all...

Voices: You don't have any time to lose... Challenge them! Challenge them all! The sooner all of them are eliminated, the sooner you can take what is rightly yours...

Louga: That's right! (sits up quickly) IMPTHY! WAKE UP, YOU MISERABLE SLAVE!

Impthy: Ughhh... (slips on her glasses) Master Louga, what is it?

Louga: GET IN YOUR ROSE BRIDE OUTFIT!

Impthy: Now?

Louga: Yes, now! I've got to win... Gotta get the power, gotta get it... (laughs maniacally) GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!

Impthy: (raises an eyebrow) Uh... whatever you say, Master Louga...

Louga: (putting on his dueling costume) GOTTA CATCH EM ALL... GOTTA CATCH EM ALL... (breaks the window open) THE CHAMPION NEED NOT USE THE DOOR!

(Ruto runs in)

Rutanami: A WINDOW BROKE, I HEARD IT! BIG BROTHER, IT'S A PROWLER! IT'S- Oh. It was you?! (raises her eyebrows) What are you doing?

Louga: GOTTA WIN... GOTTA CATCH EM ALL... GOTTA WIN... THE POWER... THE POWER IS MINE! BAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

(He grabs Impa by the arm and drags her out the window)

Impthy: Master Louga! Wait, I'm not changed yet!

Louga: NO TIME TO CHANGE, YOU WORTHLESS SERVANT! I'VE GOT TO CHANGE... THE WORLD! BAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Rutanami: (watching dumbstruck) Wow... That's the LAST time that Impthy makes curry for him! Huh? (sees a note on the dresser) What's this?

(She picks it up and reads it)

DEER DOOALIST ROOTANAMEE HYLIANA-

I AM THE CHAMPEON! I AM THE CHAMPEON! KOME TO THE DOOELING TOWUR AT MIDNYTE AND CHALLNGE THE CHAMPEON, LOUGA HYLIANA, WITH THE PURFECT HAYER AND BULJING MUSSLES WHO IS THE SECKSIEST MAN ALIVE! IF YOU DON'T COME, I WYLL POOSH THE ROWSE BRDE DOWN THE STARES UNTIL YOO DO. I WILL BE CHAMPEON! I WILL BE CHAMPEON!

LOVE,
LOUGA HYLIANA, WITH THE PURFECT HAYER AND BULJING MUSSLES WHO IS THE SECKSIEST MAN ALIVE AND THE CHAMPEON OF THE WURLD!

Rutanami: (stares at the note) Oh Lordy Lord...

(Meanwhile, outside the window, Darunia sits with a voice changer, a notepad, and a pen, watching Link heading for the tower with Impa and giggling maniacally)

Dakio: That's it, my little puppet... Go to the tower... I've got you just where I want you now, you stupid fool! (twiddles his fingers evilly) If all goes according to plan, the castle will never open, and Impthy will be the Rose Bride FOREVER! BAAAHAHAHAA!

(Scene: Nabooru's dorm. Once AGAIN, she is sitting there, staring at her ring and hearing the voice of her prince.)

Nabootena: I'm so confused... Saraba and Giki have got to be right...

The Figure: Little princess...

Nabootena: I'm not being myself...

The Figure: This ring will lead you to me...

Nabootena: But then...

The Figure: Please dry your tears, little princess... It's going to be all right...

Nabootena: Who AM I?

(A flashback to last chapter when Nabooru turned all glowy and saved Impa)

Nabootena: I always thought my prince would be warm and gentle...

(Flashback to the whole rosey-ringy-princey part)

Nabootena: Louga is mean and cranky and selfish... Or at least, he's been recently... How could he-

(Flashback to when the silhouette came out of the castle)

Nabootena: But wait... the castle opened when I came near, and... I felt so warm and safe... just like...

(flashback to the first chapter)

Rauonjii: (voice all echo-y) It is the sword of Lios, the mystical prince who you aren't supposed to know about yet but who is imprisoned in that castle up there and is, in fact the same prince that rescued you when you were little...

(There is a knock at the door just as Nabooru sits up and gasps)

Nabootena: I SUDDENLY REMEMBER THAT VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT THAT I CONVENIENTLY FORGOT IN THE SPAN OF THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS! THE THING IN THE CASTLE IS MY PRINCE! LOUGA CAN'T BE IT! HE WAS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE COLUMN WHEN IT ROSE UP AND THE SILHOUETTE CAME AND TURNED ME INTO A PRINCE AND LET ME SAVE IMPTHY!

(The knocking gets more frantic)

Nabootena: (eyes widening) BUT THEN THAT MEANS THAT MY RING DID LEAD ME TO MY PRINCE, NOW I JUST HAVE TO GET HIM OUT! AND THE FACT THAT I WAS ABLE TO SAVE IMPTHY REALLY MEANS THAT I CAN BE A PRINCE, BUT I WAS JUST SO DISCOURAGED WHEN I LOST THAT I FORGOT MY DREAM AND BECAUSE I DECIDED I COULDN'T DO IT, I REALLY COULDN'T AND-

(More, louder, frantic knocking)

Nabootena: GIKI AND SARABA ARE RIGHT! I'VE BEEN BEING AN IDIOT! I WORE A GIRL'S UNIFORM IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND-

(Even louder knocking, and some yelling)

Nabootena: (enraged) DO YOU MIND, I'M HAVING A REVELATION HERE!

Zuri's Voice: Open the door NOW, Nabootena! Something really bad is about to happen!

Nabootena: Uh oh- (races to the door and opens it)

(Zelda, Ruto and Kazoo speed into the room in their pajamas, gasping for air. Kazoo is holding a note)

Nabootena: What are you all doing here? (looks at Rutanami) I hate you. (looks at Kazoo) And I don't even know you.

Zuri: Nabootena, Louga's gone completely insane!

Nabootena: Huh?

Rutanami: He raced out of our dorm at like, 11:30 with Impthy, screaming about being the champion!

Nabootena: Well, that's not too different for Louga...

Kazoo: And then he stapled these letters to the doors of all the duelists, including Giki!

(Nabooru reads the note and gasps)

Nabootena: He's gonna do WHAT?!

Zuri: He wants to try and beat ALL of us in one night! If he does, he'll get the power.

Rutanami: That stupid power that he's obsessed with!

Kazoo: Yeah, and then what are we gonna do with a psycho guy with power running around?!

Nabootena: So... Does Dakio know about this?

Rutanami: We can't find him!

Nabootena: That's weird. ANYTHING that has to do with that castle freaks him out... maybe he already went up there.

Rutanami: Oh please, Nabootena, you've gotta help us! Louga's not himself, you have to stop him!

Nabootena: (chuckles) Huh. That's funny coming from YOU, Rutanami. You hate me.

Rutanami: Well, there's no time for that now! My brother may be in danger!

Nabootena: And that also doesn't explain why you're here, Kazoo. You're not a duelist.

Kazoo: I know, but Giki is! And when he saw the note, that moron went and did something REAL stupid!

Nabootena: Eh?

Kazoo: He threw on his dueling outfit, grabbed his sword, and ran off screaming, "I WILL VANQUISH THAT EVIL LOUGA AND SAVE YOU FROM HIS CLUTCHES, MY IMPTHY, MY DARLING, MY SHINING THING!"

Nabootena: Oh boy...

Rutanami: What?

Zuri: Giki SUCKS at dueling. Well, at least against Louga or anyone with talent. (looks at Ruto)

Rutanami: HEY!

Kazoo: If Louga's off his rocker, he may actually KILL him!

Nabootena: Oh jeez... All right, I'll do it.

Rutanami: Now THAT'S strange coming from you, Miss "Boo-Hoo I'll Never Be Happy Again Cause I'm A Sore Loser"!

Nabootena: (races into the closet) Shut up and give me a minute, you three! I've gotta get my parachute pants on!

Zuri, Kazoo, Rutanami: WOOHOOO!

Saraba: (races into the dorm randomly, hands on her face and eyes all big) THAT'S MY NABOOTENA! SHE'S BACK!

(Scene: Nabooru races up the stairs to the dueling tower, as the Random Weird Song from earlier in the chapter plays. She holds a sword in one hand, a first-aid kit in the other hand, and a kitten in her pocket)

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!

Zuri: (voice echoing in Nabooru's mind) Louga's got your sword now, so you can use mine... It's only failed me once... And that was a miracle. I hope it serves you well!

Nabootena: (voice echoing) Thank you, Zuri... I thought we were rivals.

Zuri: Anything to help the prince back on her feet. Hey, does that make me a prince too?

Nabootena: Yes. But only for a minute. You're being nice for a big change of pace.

Zuri: (grumbling)

Chorus Singers:
I'M GETTING!
REALLY SICK!
OF WRITING!
NEW VERSIONS!
OF THE SAME OLD!
SOOOOOONG!
ALL THE TIME!
ALL THE TIME!

Kazoo: (voice echoing) My brother may be annoying, but he's my brother, and I don't want him to get hurt. Besides, I hear that getting a sword pulled out of your chest is real painful. Take this first aid kit with you.

Nabootena: Thanks, girl I don't know.

Kazoo: I'm Kazoo. And... I figured that if Impthy was going to be Giki's girlfriend again, we might as well be friends. So I stuck some all-natural homeopathic pain pills for her. I hear she likes them.

Nabootena: Well, the regular kind makes her get delusional.

Kazoo: Oh...

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!

IT GETS!
IRRITATING!
TRYING TO!
THINK OF!
RANDOM THINGS!
ALL DAY!
ALL DAY!

Rutanami: (voice echoing) Now, don't get me wrong, Nabootena! I still hate you, and I'm still going to destroy you someday. But for now, I want my brother back. So I'm giving you possibly the only thing that'll bring him back to his senses: His dumb kitten, Mr. Booboo.

Nabootena: Aw, thanks Rutanami. And I still hate you, and I still think you're disgusting.

Rutanami: Aw, thanks Nabootena. HEY! (grumbling) Now, you take good care of Mr. Booboo! My darling Louga will kill me if anything happens to him! (baby talk) Goodbye, Mr. Booboo... Take good care of-

Mr. Booboo: REWWOOOOEERRR!

Rutanami: AAAGGGGGH! GETTIM OFF MY FACE! AGGGGGH!

Chorus Singers:
THIS IS A REALLY BIG DUEL FOR NABOOTENA!
IF SHE LOSES, IMPTHY AND GIKI MIGHT DIE!
PLUS LOUGA WILL STAY INSANE FOREVER!
AND THAT WOULD MAKE BISHONEN-FANS CRY!

SO ARMED WITH HER COURAGE!
AND ARMED WITH A BIG SWORD!
AND ARMED WITH A KITTEN!
AND ARMED WITH SOME PAIN PILLS!
SHE GOES!
FORWARD!
TO WIN BACK HER FRIEND!
SHE GOES!
FORWARD!
TO WIN BACK HER FRIEND!
TO WIN BACK HER FRIEND!
TO WIN BACK IMPA FROM LINK WHO IS CRAZY BUT MAYBE THAT'S NOT HIS FAULT AFTER ALL DAKIO WAS THERE-
TO WIN BACK IMPA FROM LINK AND TO PREVENT ALL THE DUELISTS FROM BECOMING INSANE JUST LIKE LINK!!

I KNOW THAT THIS ONE WASN'T HALF AS RANDOM AS THE REST OF THEM BUT THAT'S TOUGH BECAUSE-
I RAN OUT OF THINGS ON MY DESK TO WRITE DOWN AND USE WORD ASSOCIATIONS ON TO THINK OF THINGS!

EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! RESOLUTION! SUBSITUTION! LOOK-AT-YOU-TION! WE-DON'T-MAKE-NO-SENSE-A-TUTION... boom.

(Nabooru reaches the top of the tower, and she sees Link standing over a crumpled figure on the ground, holding the Sword of Lios to the figure's neck. Impa is in the background, glowing bright purple)

Louga: Geh heh heh... Get up, you fool! Why are you a duelist at all if you suck so much? Get up!

Giki: OYVENHAVENLAYVEN.

Louga: I said GET UP! Listen to the champion! ME! THE CHAMPION! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Nabootena: That's enough, Louga.

(Link turns to see Nabooru striking a very dramatic pose, as lightning and thunder crash behind her and random rose petals fly through the air.)

Louga: (his voice has a sinister air to it) Nabootena Gerudo! (the sword vanishes from his hand in a flash of light) Why, I NEVER expected to see you here! After that... EMBARRASSING display in the courtyard!

Nabootena: (icily) Shut up! I've had it up to here with you and your stupid champion routine! I'm here to defeat you and get Impthy out of that slavery you've bound her with!

Giki: (face smashed into the roof by Link's foot) WHATABOUTMEEEE?!

Nabootena: (snorts) And him too.

Louga: HMMPH! Is that so? (chuckling evilly) Well, Nabootena... So it's come down to this! One prince versus another! You versus your prince!

Nabootena: You're not my prince, Louga! Not in the least. We met on the day my parents died, but it wasn't you who comforted me and gave me my signet ring... I can prove it, too.

Louga: (scowling) Oh, so you think you know the truth? HA! The truth is a fickle thing, Nabootena. It can change depending on who you ask...

Nabootena: The truth is always the same. It's the people who twist it that make it fickle. And the truth is... that Impthy is my best friend, and I am going to defeat you to free her!

Louga: OH YEAH!? WITH WHAT SWORD?!

Nabootena: With this one! It belongs to my friend Zuri, and I'm going to use it just like I would my other sword!

Louga: OH YEAH?!

Nabootena: And also with a first aid kit and your kitten, Mr. Booboo. (holds up Mr. Booboo)

Mr. Booboo: Meow.

Louga: YOU'RE GOING TO DEFEAT ME WITH A STUPID KITTEN?! I HATE CATS!

Nabootena: (gasps in terror) Dear LORD, what happened to you, Louga?!

Louga: I've woken up! I now realize that this stupid dueling game will get us nowhere! The only way for me to receive the power that is SO justly mine is to BREAK the rules, not uphold them!

Nabootena: You're not yourself. You've got to wake up, Louga! It's like you're under a... (looks at Impa) Spell...

Louga: MAYBE! But I know one thing for sure!

Nabootena: What's that?

Louga: You trying to drive Impthy's spell out is going to spell out something else- YOUR DOOM!

(Link starts cackling evilly and he snaps his fingers. Impa races to his side and pins a green rose to his shirt. She waves her hands and an orange rose appears on Nabooru's shirt. She then opens up her hands.)

Impthy: Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and obey... your... GYEEEAAAAAH!

(She falls over backwards and Link catches her, pulling the Sword of Lios out of her chest)

Louga: Give me the power to bring the world revolution!

Student Council: (sticking their heads in from nowhere) OOOOOH! AAAAAAH!

Dakio: (ditto) Ho hum.

Nabootena: (gets ready to duel) Bring it on! I know how that sword works!

Louga: Oh, but you DON'T Nabootena! You have no idea exactly what the Power of Lios can do! Do you know why the sword comes out of Impthy?

Nabootena: (shrugs) Uh... someone really needed a sword block, so they used her?

Louga: No! Because as the Rose Bride, the sword is a PART of her! DUUUH! Which explains why she can do THIS! IMPTHY!

Impthy: (helplessly raises her hands again, and her chest starts glowing) Yes, Master...

(The Sword of Lios starts to glow purple, and Impa's eyes go completely blank. She stands there, glowing like a neon light, and Link holds up the sword.)

Louga: She can transmit her power INTO the sword! HIIIIIIIYA!

Nabootena: AIEEEEEEEEEE!

(The duel begins. Nabooru is mostly running around in circles, trying to avoid the magic glowing tip of the sword)

Louga: BAH HA! BAH HA! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Nabootena: (turns to camera) I'm starting to think he's not quite acting himself.

Louga: (eyes glowing, cackling wickedly) BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! (slashes at her)

Nabootena: All right! (stops after about her 32 lap around the tower to avoid the sword) This is getting silly!

Louga: I agree. If you'd hold still, it would be much easier for me to beat you.

(He tries to stab her, but she leans out of the way just in time. He stabs to the left, and she leans right. Vice versa. Etc, etc, etc)

Nabootena: (thoughts racing) Impthy is controlling that sword because Louga ordered her to... If I could knock the sword out of his hands...

(Nabooru slashes wildly at Link with her sword)

Nabootena: HAAAIIIIEEEEEEYAAAAAA!

Louga: (holds up his sword, Nabooru's breaks in half over it.)

Nabootena: (gasps, staring at the broken half a sword she's holding) HOLY CRAP!

Louga: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA! You see, Nabootena?!?! YOU'RE TOO WEAK! If I WASN'T the one who was supposed to take the power in the castle, YOU would be the one winning! AND NOW YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SWORD! AAAAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Nabootena: (shakes her head at the broken sword) What's up with this sword, anyway?!

(She looks at the label)

Nabootena: "MADE BY MEDIGORON INDUSTRIES"?!? DAMMIT!

Louga: (crosses arms smugly) Well, if you can't find a sword, then you're DONE FOR!

Nabootena: OH YEAH?! (she races over and grabs Ganondorf's sword out from under him) HERE!

Louga: (with one swift slash, he snaps Ganondorf's sword in half)

Nabootena: CRAP! (looks at the sword's label) "MADE BY MEDIGORON INDUSTRIES"?!? DAMMIT! What's with all the MEDIGORON CRAP AROUND HERE?!

Louga: That's it. It's time for you to take your place... (charges at her) AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS TOWER! BAAHAAHHAHAHAHAA!

Nabootena: Uhhh... uhhhh... AGGGH! (thinks quickly) I'VE GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING QUICKLY!

(... No, really?)

Nabootena: (looks up at the castle) HEY! HEY, LIOS, OR WHOEVER YOU ARE!

Louga: (slows down, pointing the glowing sword at Nabooru's neck)

Nabootena: PLEASE! You are my real prince, I'm sure of it! And I promise, I will set you free of whatever is keeping you up there, just PLEASE! Help me win this duel! Impthy and Giki- all of the duelist's lives depend on it!

Louga: (snickers, points his sword at the rose) Goodbye, Nabootena.

Nabootena: (drops to her knees, sweating) COME ON! YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH HERE! ANYTHING! PLEASE, JUST SEND DOWN WHATEVER HELP YOU CAN, LIOS!

(A beautiful hymn starts out of the background, and the window of the castle opens up. A glowing, silhouetted hand reaches out of the window, and throws something golden and glowing down toward the arena. Link stops his charge immediately and stares, stupefied, at the glowing object. Nabooru stands up and reaches for it)

Nabootena: That's... it's got to be something that can help...

Louga: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

(Nabooru takes a flying leap and grabs the golden object. She starts to glow golden too, and when she lands on the ground again, she holds it up triumphantly)

Louga: WHAT IS THAT?!

(Nabooru grins and holds up a shining, golden, beautiful... roll of duct tape?!)

Nabootena: The Duct Tape of Lios! (angelic voices sing)

Louga: DUCT TAPE OF LIOS?! (angelic voices sing)

Nabootena: YES! DUCT TAPE OF LIOS! (angelic voices sing) The mystical Duct Tape of Prince Lios, that when applied to a broken object, makes it as good as new!

(Nabooru picks up the two halves of Ganondorf's sword and applies the mystic golden duct tape to the broken part. It is magically whole again.)

Louga: WOW! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR! WHY DO YOU GET MAGIC DUCT TAPE FROM THE CASTLE?!?! I should get it! GIVE IT TO ME! I AM THE CHAMPION! IIIII AM THE CHAMPION, MEMEMEMEMEEE!

Nabootena: Not only does the Duct Tape of Lios (angelic voices sing) repair objects, (enthusiastically) it looks really cool when I wrap it around my arms like some kind of neato dueling glove! (she does so)

Louga: (scowls wickedly) NOT TO WORRY! I'm not afraid of your duct tape! So what if you've repaired your sword with mystic duct tape from above?! You can't take away the power of my sword, can you?!?!

(Nabooru pulls off a piece of the mystical Duct Tape of Lios [angelic voices sing] and walks up to Link, casually sticking it on his forehead.)

Louga: (screams, grabs at the tape) AIEEE! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Nabootena: Didn't I say that it would fix EVERYTHING?

Louga: NO! NO! It CAN'T BE! (starts struggling to remove the duct tape) NEVER! I AM THE CHAMPION! DUCT TAPE CANNOT DEFEAT ME! DUCT TAPE, DUCT TAPE, DUCT TAPE, NEVER!

Nabootena: (takes Ganondorf's newly repaired sword and steps back a few feet) Hold still, Louga.

Louga: (collapsed onto his knees) THE TAPE! THE TAPE, IT BURNS!

Nabootena: GERUDO SPIN ATTACK!

(Like in the Matrix, everything slows down and Nabooru spins through the air, her deepened, slowed-down voice screaming like Xena: Warrior Princess. Link's VERY deepened voice screams random cuss words as he tries to rip the duct tape off his forehead.)

Nabootena: (ultra-slow) FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAA AAH!

Louga: (holds out his arms to stop her) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(There is a bright flash of light, and things return to normal speed as Nabooru lands in a whirl of green rose petals. Link has collapsed onto his knees and is staring forward blankly, the duct tape fluttering in the wind. Impa stops glowing and collapses onto the ground, unconscious. The sword disappears from Link's hand)

Nabootena: (panting, gasping) I... Did I...

(The Duct Tape of Lios [angelic voices] vanishes in a flash of gold as angelic voices sing and a deep voice echoes through the air)

Lios: I wait for the day when you will set me free, my princess, my Nabootena.

Nabootena: (stands up dramatically, green rose petals fly through the air) Lios... Thank you... my prince.

(The silhouette of Lios appears on the horizon, and Nabooru nods her thanks)

Louga: NO... IT CAN'T BE... I CAN'T LOSE! (looks at his rose) BUT... BUT... I AM THE CHAMPION! I AM, I- BYAAAAAAH!

(An explosion of blackness surrounds Link, knocking him to the floor unconscious. The blackness hovers for a moment, and then shoots off into the air, disintegrating as it does.)

Nabootena: (slings Ganondorf's sword over he shoulder) Yep, thought so. Evil spells seem to be rather popular around here recently.

(Nabooru hears a slight groan from the other side of the arena, and then she hears another voice say something.)

Impthy: The winner of the duel, and the one I am now engaged to, is Miss Nabootena Gerudo!

Nabootena: IMPTHY! You're OK! (runs over to her and gives her a hug) I'm so relieved!

Impthy: Of course I'm OK! I'm so glad you won! That was a such a hard fight! But you did it, with the help of Lios!

Nabootena: That's right! And that's because- (chords of the theme song play, and she strikes a pose) I'M A REVOLUTIONARY GIRL!

Impthy: (dreamily, towards the sky) Maybe now I can finally be free...

Nabootena: (stops her little theme-song moment) You mean- you remember? You remember saying that you wanted to be free now?

Impthy: I remember. But you know, Nabootena... Louga was right. I am only saying this because I am connected to you. I believe what you believe, and so on.

Nabootena: I know. But it's all right. I'll set you free anyway! I promise, I won't ever lose again!

Impthy: You did your best, and I thank you for that.

Nabootena: (spies Zelda's broken sword) But Zuri's gonna be mad at me that I broke her sword... And I lose the Duct Tape of Lios (angelic voices) too!

Impthy: It's OK! I'll just explain what happened to her, and she'll-

Giki: OWWW! MY FWIGGIN' BACK FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN WUN OVER BY A FWIGGIN' TWUCK!

Impthy: GIKI!

Giki: (sits up, nose bleeding, face all kicked up, black eyes) IMPFY! (spits out a tooth) YOU'RE ALWIGHT!

Impthy: Oh Giki! You're all beat up! (runs over and gives him a big hug) You're so sweet to risk your life to come up here when you thought I was in trouble!

Giki: (grins like a hockey player) Awww... It was nuffin.

Impthy: Come on, we've got to get you to a nurse! It's late!

Nabootena: And all three of us have got to be getting to bed.

Louga: (muffled grunt)

Impthy: What about Louga?

Nabootena: (shrugs) Does anyone really care?

(Impa and Nabooru hoist Ganondorf up and head for the stairs to the bottom of the tower, and Nabooru looks up at the castle dramatically)

Nabootena: (in her thoughts) Thank you, Lios. You really did save me this time...

(Scene: At the bottom of the tower, the three of them run into Ruto, Kazoo, and Zelda who are waiting anxiously)

Kazoo: GIKI! YOU STUPID IDIOT! What were you THINKING going up there?

Giki: I'm sowwy, Kazoo... I just had to wescue my bewoved Impfy! (spits out another tooth)

Kazoo: (looks at him disgustedly) I still cannot believe that my twin brother is such an idiot. Come on... let's get you to a doctor. And I'm not going to be able to live with that lisp for a very long time.

Giki: Whateva you say, deaw sistew.

Zuri: Thank goodness you and Giki are all right, Impthy!

Impthy: Thank you for being concerned, Miss Zuri. I really have to thank Nabootena, though... she was the one who saved us all!

Nabootena: Oh, it was nothin'. Just part of my job!

Kazoo: (picking up Ganondorf's teeth as he spits them out) Oh? And what job is that?

Nabootena: I... AM A PRINCE! And I don't ever intend to give up my title, either! I'm gonna keep on winning until Impthy and Lios are free!

Zuri: ... Who's Lios?

Kazoo: Yeah, who is Lios?

Nabootena: (smiles mischievously) Oh... just a friend... (she gazes at the castle, and the same angelic music plays)

Rutanami: SCREW LIOS AND NABOOTENA!!! WHERE'S MY BROTHER?!

Nabootena: He's back at the top, unconscious.

Giki: He feww down, go boom.

Nabootena: And what's more, I was right! He WAS under some sort of spell...

Zuri: That's incredible! Who... who do you think could have done it?!

Nabootena: I have an idea... (glares at no one in particular)

Impthy: How... how do you know, Nabootena?

Nabootena: (pulls Mr. Booboo out of her pocket) Well... he said that he hated cats.

All: (gasp of utter terror)

Kazoo: You're right! Something was SERIOUSLY wrong with him!

Mr. Booboo: (big sad eyes) Meow...

Impthy: (scratches his chin) Don't worry, little friend... Your master will be good as new in no time!

Giki: (clears his throat) Meow... (looks at Impa with sad eyes)

Impthy: Uh... sorry, Giki.

Giki: (snaps his fingers) Wats!

Rutanami: (seems to be just catching on to the conversation) ...A SPELL?! HE FELL DOWN AND WENT BOOM?!?! BIG BROTHEEEEEERRRRR! HE WILL NEED MY COMFORT AND CARE! I'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM! I MUST SUCCEED!

(She snatches the first aid kit from Nabooru and races up the stairs)

Nabootena: (rolls her eyes, cuddles Mr. Booboo) Well, it looks like things are finally getting back to normal around here!

Zuri: NORMAL!? Farore Academy... NORMAL!?

(They all burst out laughing.)

(Scene: Check this out: INSIDE the magic upside-down castle! A mystic-looking room that resembles the Chamber of Sages. Bright, glowing light in all different colors shines all around, and angelic voices are echoing through the hall. Rainbow-colored bubbles with pictures of the Farore Academy students are bouncing all around. There is suddenly a loud slapping noise and an unidentifiable grunt.)

Dakio: (standing on what appears to be nothing) YOU FOOL!

(Hundreds of feet below Darunia, there is a large, transparent color-changing bubble. Inside, all huddled up is a silhouetted figure in prince clothes, with his head ducked down so you can't see it)

Dakio: I bet you thought you were being SOOOO clever, sending down that duct tape to help her! WELL YOU WEREN'T!

(Lios says nothing. The bubble changes colors several times, and he remains inside, spinning around helplessly)

Dakio: You think that SHE is actually the one who will free you and Impthy? You're an idiot if you think that. She's nothing! Just a stupid girl with a dream in her head and no room for brains!

(Lios still says nothing. A bubble with Nabooru's picture on it floats near the large bubble that he is stuck inside. He tilts his head upwards just enough to see it- but not enough so that we know who he is. Darn the luck!)

Dakio: Now tell me... my brother... am I really that bad to you? I'm NOT, am I!? I give you this nice... safe castle to preserve yourself inside... And I take good care of the body! I do, you see?! (shows off his muscles) I eat protein! I take vitamins! I do 60 sit ups every day! (his gut sticks out) OK, maybe not 60, but...

Lios: ...

Dakio: You know what?! I'm tired of talking to you. You never answer me. (scratches head) Oh wait. You can't answer me. I'M the one with the body! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Oh... I see what's wrong. You're angry at me... For destroying your princely reputation and for changing the way the body looks so that it fits me better. Well that's my right as the one with the body, Lios. Get over it.

Lios: ...

Dakio: IS THIS STILL ABOUT NABOOTENA!? You need to face it! As long as I walk this earth, as long as I'm the one with the body and the power to use it... You... will stay here... FOREVER!

Lios: (points at Nabooru's bubble. It floats up towards Darunia, as well as 5 other bubbles with pictures of the rest of the student council on them, and another with Impa's.)

Dakio: It's true, she's talented... (the Rauru bubble comes forward, along with the Impa bubble) She defeated the Duel of Justice. Freeing the Rose Bride from the control of the tyrant Rauonjii Sage-O-Eechee.

(The Ganondorf bubble rises up)

Dakio: And she won in the Duel of Love. She stood in the way of true love, in order to protect it, and made a lifelong friend of Giki Dragmire.

(The Zelda bubble is next)

Dakio: The Duel of Miracles. The torn and ripped spirit of Zuri Zeldagawa was also no match for the blade of Nabootena. She helped her to believe in miracles, too...

(The Ruto bubble rises)

Dakio: The Duel of Revenge. Revenge can be a terrible thing... But even Nabootena was able to master and bring down the somewhat... OK, actually, not very-talented Rutanami Hyliana.

(And finally, the Link bubble rises up)

Dakio: And of course, the Duel of the Past. Nabootena lost that one. But made up for it in the Duel of the Future, where she dominated the spellbound Louga Hyliana.

Lios: ...

Dakio: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'm stupid for casting a spell on him?! It would have been the best thing yet if he had succeeded with my plan. Killing ALL of the duelists in one night? Well, he wouldn't have received the power, but he would have locked you up for good, Lios. If only Zuri wasn't as smart as she was... And if only Nabootena wasn't so TALENTED!

Lios: (holds up his hand. The Nabooru and Impa bubbles come back towards him) He tries to reach out and touch them, but the bubble stops his hand)

Dakio: Don't even think you're coming close to being free, Lios. Sure, your prince Nabootena has defeated all the trials so far! But there are many more trials along the Road to Revolution! And the road to your freedom...

Lios: ...

Dakio: ALL RIGHT, now that's just rude! You don't have to tell me to stick that THERE! Come on!

Lios: ...

Dakio: AND MY HEAD IS NOT FAT! It's your head too, you moron!

Lios: ...

Dakio: Oh, "I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE, HUH?" You are SO IMMATURE! (turns on his heels)

Lios: ...

Dakio: Fine, have faith in her if you want to. But I'm being realistic. (starts to head out the door of the castle)

Lios: ...

Dakio: Who's gonna stop her? I'll tell you who! People who are close to her! Zokage and I have got a plan that's UNBEATABLE!

Lios: ...

Dakio: WHAT IF SHE DOES BEAT IT?! SHE WON'T!

Lios: ...

Dakio: But what if she does, huh? PUH! If she does- and she won't!- then she'll be the greatest duelist ever- which she's not!- and then, if she does beat it- and she won't!- YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO STOP HER?

Lios: ...

Dakio: I AM! I WILL STOP HER MYSELF, WITH MY BARE HANDS! END OF THE WORLD WON'T TAKE ANY OF NABOOTENA'S CRAP, SO I WILL STOP HER MYSELF! STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, EH?!

(He slams the door and stomps down back to Farore, presumably. The camera zooms in on the bubble where Lios is trapped. The Student Council bubbles float around him, and he tilts his head up again, reaching out to touch one: The Nabooru Bubble. As angelic music slowly comes to a close, a single, glowing tear falls out of the large bubble and splashes to the floor.)

Lios: ... My princess...

(Lios' dreaming is interrupted by a shriek of sheer terror and agony from far below)

Louga: AAGGGGHHHHHH! RUTANAMIIII! WHAT ARE YOU DOING CUDDLING ME WHILE I'M UNCONSCIOUS?!

Rutanami: I WASN'T, I SWEAR!

Louga: YEAH RIGHT! YOU'RE DIGUSTING AND SICK AND MENTALLY UNHINGED!

Rutanami: I AM NOT! I WAS NOT CUDDLING YOU!

Louga: THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING, EH?

Rutanami: I WAS CHECKING TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR INJURIES WERE NOT TOO SEVERE TO CARRY YOU DOWN THE TOWER!

Louga: CHECKING ME BY CUDDLING ME?!?!

Rutanami: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WAS PULLING THAT STUPID GOLD DUCT TAPE OFF OF YOUR FOREHEAD! (ripping noise)

Louga: GAHAAAAAAH! RIP OFF MY EYEBROWS, WHY DON'T YA?! GAAAH, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

(Lios sighs dejectedly, grabs his forehead in pain [ya still can't see his face])

Lios: ... My head...



(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!


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