Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ Rutanami's "Special" One - (And I Do Mean "Special") ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: More new characters this time! Let's hear it for-

Anju and the Rosa Sisters... as Nanami's Lackeys (Anjuko, Meiko, and Juko)

A random kitten... as Touga's first kitten (Chucklebubble)

Another random kitten... as Touga's kitten (Mr. Booboo)

And the shadowy, identity-less figure who is going to be identified later... as Lios, the Prince!

And he was in the first chapter, but now it's time to REALLY put him in-

Darunia... as Akio (Dakio)


(The theme song begins. All characters appear on a stage and start randomly shaking their butts)

She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something; you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

LAST TIME, ON REVOLUTIONARY GERUDO NABOORU...

GG: (in high voice) We learned the truth about the weird person called Zuri!

Zuri: MIRACLES?! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS?!?? THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!

GG: And we learned about her rough relationship with her former best friend Malori and her former boyfriend Sheika!

Zuri: (crying) I hate you! I hate you both!

GG: We also watched as Zuri gave our heroine Nabootena a run for her money in the duel- but a miracle saved her!

Nabootena: A miracle!

Zuri: NO! IT CAN'T BE! IT CAN'T BE A MIRACLE!

GG: And much to our delight, Giki and Impthy's relationship, as well as Nabootena's plan to turn Impthy normal again seem to be progressing well!

Giki: (eyes turn into big hearts) Yeah... a normal... loving... girl... (leans in for a kiss)

Impthy: Um... (stares at Ganondorf) Nabootena...

Nabootena: Right. GIKI! (slaps him) Down, horn-boy. I don't want you getting suspended.

GG: And as usual, Rutanami had come up with a nasty plan to foil Nabootena- to fool Nabootena into becoming HER prince with the help of a little boy named Katsuru!

Katsuru: I'm Katsuru, Rutanami's prince! And you'd better not mess with her!

GG: Now, it seems as though SOMEONE is trying to kill Rutanami! Looks like Impthy and Louga are to blame-

Impthy: But I feel kind of bad about killing them, Mr. Louga. After all, they-

Louga: I know, I know. But they're getting closer to me- A little too close. We'll try again tomorrow, and if we don't kill them then, we'll hire a professional.

GG: But does Louga hate his sister enough to KILL her? What's gonna happen? Will Rutanami kick the bucket? Will Louga succeed in his plan to defeat Nabootena? SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED THIS CHAPTER! But which ones? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! (dies from the suspense)

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

(GG runs across the stage with a poster board with the name of the episode on it)

TAKE CARE, MISS RUTANAMI! Part Two -and- RUTANAMI'S SPECIAL ONE

(Scene: The school grounds. More specifically, the west courtyard. Kafei is escorting Ruto, who looks notably worried.)

Katsuru: What's the matter, my princess?

Rutanami: Oh Katsuru... I think my plan may be working TOO well!

Katsuru: Whatever do you mean, Miss Rutanami?

Rutanami: The idea of the plan was to get Nabootena to want to be my prince- making Louga jealous. Then I was going to humiliate Nabootena, and Louga would see that I was really his true love!

Katsuru: That seems to be happening, though.

Rutanami: Yeah, but Louga is WAY TOO jealous! He's trying to kill me!

Katsuru: WHAT? How do you know? Are you sure?

Rutanami: I know he is! He was there seconds after both accidents that almost killed me. And I heard him talking with that horrible Impthy Sheikahmiya about killing someone! It's me, I know it! Plus, TWO cars have been following me around the parking lot!

Katsuru: Two cars?

Rutanami: Yeah- a black one with tinted windows, and a red one with Farore Academy license plates! I need you to protect me more than ever now, Katsuru! You may actually have to be my prince!

Katsuru: Oh, really? (looks interested. Suddenly, something up above catches his eyes) RUTANAMI, LOOK OUT!

Rutanami: AGGH! (shrieks in terror, drops to the ground covering her head with her hands)

Katsuru: (slow-motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (leaps in the way of a flowerpot almost bigger than him , stopping it from smashing Ruto into bits)

CRASH!

(There is an uproar from around them, and hundreds of students rush to Kafei's aid, completely oblivious to the screaming Ruto)

Rutanami: OH MY FREAKIN' GODDESS, MY LIFE JUST FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES!!!

Katsuru: (sits up, with a giant, bleeding wound on his head) I SAVED HER! call... an... ambulance... (passes out, having convulsions)

Rutanami: I THINK MY BLOOD PRESSURE JUST DROPPED 60 POINTS! Oh- oh, I feel faint! Oh- oh... I'm having heart palpitations!

Louga: (rushes out of the building) WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Rutanami: Big Brother!

Louga: (slaps forehead) Oh JEEZ. NOT ANOTHER ONE! Rutanami, WHAT happened now?

Rutanami: That flowerpot! It fell, and it almost killed me! Katsuru took the blow, though!

Louga: Katsuru? (sees Kafei on the ground) HOLY CRAP! Not him AGAIN! Rutanami, go to your dorm and stay there while I call the ambulance!

Rutanami: Why do I have to go to my dorm, brother?

Louga: Because I don't want to have to deal with you anymore!

Rutanami: You mean you're NOT concerned for my safety?

Louga: Why should I be? You're a complete drama queen! Now go to your dorm!

Rutanami: (grabs her books, runs to her dorm crying) HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE THAT I ALMOST DIED!

(She looks back to see a panicking crowd of students. Ruto catches a glimpse of Link giving Kafei mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.)

Rutanami: AND NOW HE'S KISSING MY PRINCE! AGGGGHHH- Katsuru, that little... maybe I should hire my lackeys to- (scratches chin) Oh. Oh, CPR! Never mind! (resumes crying, races to her dorm)

(Scene: Nabooru and Impa's dorm. Ganondorf has stopped by for an after-school tutoring session, and Impa has made shaved ice again.)

Giki: Delicious as always, my sweet Impthy.

Impthy: Mr. Giki-

Giki: Just Giki, Impthy.

Impthy: Oh. Well Giki, you'd better not call me "my sweet Impthy" anymore. If one of the other duelists hears...

Nabootena: Oh, I'll bail him out. As long as I'm the champion, I don't care what he does.

Giki: (raises eyebrows, bats eyelashes at Impa)

Nabootena: (sees the look on his face) Well, let me rephrase that...

Impthy: Uh... yeah.

Giki: Oh, by the way Nabootena... Zuri wanted me to tell you that you and Impthy are invited to a surprise birthday party for Louga on Thursday.

Nabootena: ZURI invited me to a PARTY? I thought she hated me!

Giki: Oh, no way! She totally digs you!

Nabootena: (raises eyebrows)

Giki: In a non prison-movie sort of way.

Nabootena: Oh.

Giki: She really likes your dueling style. You've proved yourself worthy of being her friend, now. And besides, she says that Louga would be HEARTBROKEN if you didn't come!

Nabootena: Huh?

Giki: (realizes what he said, gasps) What I mean is... (plucking at his collar) What I mean is, she saw you talking to him the other day, and she thinks he would like it if you could be there! Yeah, that's it!

Impthy: You were talking to Louga, Nabootena?

Nabootena: Yeah- he asked me about my parents. Turns out, I met him real soon after my parents died. Him and Rauonjii. I thought they looked familiar.

Giki: Really? That's weird.

Impthy: You knew them from before?

Nabootena: Well... (leans against wall) My parents were killed when I was real young... I remember being totally depressed for a while after I brutally took revenge on the murderers... and that's when my prince came.

Giki: Whoa- Nabootena, do you think LOUGA could be your prince?

Nabootena: He just might be! Now that I think about it...

(Scene: The gym. Link and Rauru are practicing their fencing and talking)

Louga: OW! Hey, watch where you're pointin' that thing!

Rauonjii: Sorry, Louga!

Louga: Rauonjii, good buddy... I have a confession. I've always wondered why you're so nice to me and so evil and mean to everyone else.

Rauonjii: DUUUH, Louga. We've known each other since we were kids.

Louga: ... Rauonjii, I'm 17 years old. You have to be at least 75.

Rauonjii: Oh. Well... er...

Louga: But you're right. We have known each other a long time.

Rauonjii: PARRY! THRUST! PARRY! (eats a Twinkie) MMM...

Louga: Gotcha!

Rauonjii: You did not!

Louga: I did too. Look. (his sword is about to cut off Rauru's head)

Rauonjii: (eyes Link slyly) Very good, Louga. You're finally learning.

Louga: I've been practicing for my duel with Nabootena. I'm next up, after all.

Rauonjii: (pulls out a box of Twinkies, starts unwrapping them) Hmmph. Well, beat her for me, then. I'm sick of that stupid chick running around winning all them duels.

Louga: Not to worry, Rauonjii. I know her weakness.

Rauonjii: What?

Louga: Nabootena Gerudo has one fatal weakness- and I know what it is! It's so obvious. Especially to us.

Rauonjii: Eh?

Louga: Don't you remember? I thought Nabootena looked familiar when she came to this academy. We met her a long, long time ago.

Rauonjii: We did?

Louga: Yeah. I was only 10, then...

/\/\/\/\FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK1!/\/\/\/\
(doodlydoopdoodlydoopdoodlydoopdoodlydoop)

(Scene: Gerudo Valley. Child Link and Rauru [who has got to be at least 68 years old] are pushing their bikes through the deep sand)

Young Louga: I TOLD you it wasn't a good idea to come this way! And why are you with me, anyway? You're 68 years old!

Young(er) Rauonjii: Bah! I'm still in tip-top shape! (tries to push bike through a sand dune, pops out his back) AGGH! MY BACK!

Young Louga: Oy... I have no clue where we are anymore.

Younger Rauonjii: We're in the desert.

Young Louga: DUUUH! But exactly where... I don't know anymore.

(The two push their bikes a little further, when they come upon a pair of Gerudos patrolling the area near the bridge)

Rauonjii: GERUDOS!

Louga: Do you think they're going to hurt us?

Rauonjii: You, maybe. They hate kids. (takes a bite of a Twinkie)

Louga: They hate men, too.

Rauonjii: (coughs in shock, sprays Twinkie all over) OOF! They do?! Hey... wait a sec, that means they'll REALLY hate you!

Random Gerudo: NABOOTENA!

Random Gerudo 2: NABOOTENA! WHERE ARE YOU?

Louga: It looks like they're looking for someone. Let's go see.

Rauonjii: Are you crazy, you stupid kid? They'll slay us!

Louga: (pays no attention, runs up to one of the Gerudos) Pardon me... what are you doing?

Random Gerudo: A KID? A MALE KID!? LET'S BEAT HIM UP!

Random Gerudo 2: We don't have time for that now! (turns to Link) Little kid, have you seen a little girl around here?

Rauonjii: (rushes up to join Link) Huh?

Random Gerudo: Yesterday, bandits raided our fortress and a little girl's parents were killed. We just had the funeral, and now we can't find her anywhere.

Louga: We haven't seen her, sorry.

Random Gerudo 2: Keep looking, could you?

Louga: Of course.

(About ten minutes later, the boys have somehow managed to wander into the Haunted Wasteland, and they reach a small stone fortress in the middle of nowhere)

Louga: WELL NOW YOU'VE REALLY GOT US LOST, RAUONJII!

Rauonjii: IT AIN'T MY FAULT! LOOK, IT'S ALMOST DARK!

Louga: LET'S GO INSIDE THIS FORTRESS FOR THE NIGHT! WE CAN SHARE YOUR TWINKIES FOR DINNER!

Rauonjii: NO WAY, MAN! THEY'RE MINE! MY TWINKIES! (huggles them) YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM!

Louga: (groans) FINE, THEN AT LEAST LET'S GO INSIDE.

(Parking their bikes by the fortress, the two climb down into the fortress [Rauru veeeeeery slowly] and into the dark.)

Louga: Can you see anything?

Rauonjii: No, but I have a match right here. (lights the match, and sees a torch next to him) Let's light this torch, 'K?

(Rauru lights the torch, and the boys are shocked to see three coffins set up near the other end of the room)

Louga: HOLY CRAP! This is a TOMB!

Rauonjii: Oh great, now the GHOSTS are gonna get us!

Louga: I'm more worried about the Gerudo whose relative's tomb we just broke into getting us.

(Suddenly, the boys hear a muffled wail from one of the coffins. Both of them freeze in terror)

Rauonjii: ZOMBIES! That's it, I'm leaving.

Louga: Don't be stupid... it can't be a zombie. (face white with terror) Can it?

Rauonjii: Of course not. LET'S GO!

Louga: No, wait- I want to see something first.

(Link slowly approaches the coffin in the center, which has a half-open lid. He freezes next to it, and then sets his hands on the lid)

Louga: Help me open this up.

Rauonjii: NO WAY! I've seen enough scary movies in my lifetime to know that you NEVER EVER open up a coffin!

Louga: Come on! What if there's treasure inside?

Rauonjii: Treasure, smeasure. I like being alive, thanks.

Louga: (in a singsong voice) What if it's Twinkies?

Rauonjii: (immediately perks up) Twinkies, you say? OK!

(With Rauru's help, Link pushes off the lid of the coffin, and...)

Voice from inside: AAAAAAAGGGGGH!

Louga and Rauonjii: (absolutely terrified) AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!

(A tiny figure leaps out of the coffin and holds a sword up to Link's neck)

Figure from inside coffin: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Louga: WHO ARE YOU?

(The shadows disperse, and Link finds a 10-year-old Nabooru staring back at him. Her clothes are covered in blood, and her face is red like she has been crying)

Young Nabootena: None of your business! Get out of my tomb!

Louga: But- you're just a little girl! WAIT! You're the girl that the Gerudos are looking for! Nabootena, was it?

Nabootena: SO WHAT? Get out of my tomb!

Rauonjii: This can't be YOUR tomb, you're not dead!

Nabootena: Yes I am! Now go away! (sniffles, looks angrily at them)

Louga: No... you look pretty alive to me. Except for the blood. (winces) Is that... your parent's blood?

Nabootena: No, it's the blood of the men who killed them! I cut off all their protruding body parts!

(Link and Rauru look at each other, and make the "EEEEESH" face)

Louga: Come on, stop playing around. The other Gerudos are real worried about you. They think you're dead. They'll want to know that you're alive.

Nabootena: I AM NOT ALIVE! I'm dead, just like Mama and Papa!

Louga: This is where your parents are buried, huh?

Nabootena: I said go away! (bursts into tears) Go away and leave me alone!

Rauonjii: Why are you down here, anyway? Stupid kid, don't you know that when the sand covers this tomb, you'll suffocate to death?

Nabootena: So what? I wish I was dead!

Louga: No, you don't! Why do you say that?

Nabootena: (collapses into coffin) My parents were all that I had... now they're dead, and I want to go with them!

Rauonjii: Pssh, fine, whatever you want.

Louga: RAUONJII! (pats Nabooru's back) Come on. Come on out of there.

Nabootena: Don't touch me! (sobbing) I just want to die in peace, not like they did...

Louga: (steps away from her) Rauonjii...

Rauonjii: Well SHE obviously isn't coming out anytime soon. Come on Louga, let's leave Little Miss Goth alone and go find someplace to spend the night.

Louga: But we can't just leave her!

Rauonjii: Watch me! (climbs up the ladder, VEEEERY slowly as he eats a Twinkie)

Louga: Come on, Nabootena. I'm sure you don't want to die...

Nabootena: GO AWAY, I SAID! GO AWAY BEFORE I CUT OFF ALL OF YOUR PROTRUDING ORGANS!

Louga: (makes the EEEESH face, climbs back up the ladder) OK, stay here. But I'm going to tell the other Gerudos where you are, Nabootena.

Nabootena: (screaming) THAT'S NOT MY NAME! (singing miserably) MY NAME IS MISERRRRRYYYYY... THAT IS THE NAME OF ME, IT'S MISERRYYYYYYYYY...

Louga: (shaking head) What a weirdo.

(A little later, Link and Rauru are heading out of the valley, when they pass a shadowy figure on a white horse heading into the valley)

Rauonjii: Don't worry about it, Louga. It's not your job to rescue damsels in distress.

Shadowy Figure: Excuse me?

Louga: Oh, nothing.

Shadowy Figure: No, what did you say?

Louga: We're just talking about the coffin girl. Her parents died and now she's lying down in a coffin so she can die too, she said. She's in the tomb in the middle of the desert. Can't miss it.

Shadowy Figure: (stares off into the distance) I see... Thank you, boys. (rides off into the valley)

Rauonjii: Hey look, Louga. That guy's got license plates on his horse.

(Sure enough, the horse has a license plate that reads LIOS. DUN DUN DUNNN!)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

(Back in the present)

Rauonjii: (fighting Link blankly) That creepy little girl in the coffin was NABOOTENA!?!?

Louga: I said the name six times! YES, it was her! And she kind of remembers that too. Not as well as I do, of course.

Rauonjii: Oh. Well, how is that going to help you defeat Nabootena?

Louga: (smiles) You'll see...

(The bell rings)

Louga: OH! Mail call! Wooohoo! (he races to the door and grabs a stack of envelopes) Bills... bills... bills... bills... HUH!?!

Rauonjii: What?

Louga: It's a letter from End of the World!

Rauonjii: REALLY? What's it say?

(Link opens the envelope and skims over the letter)

Louga: Holy crap!

Rauonjii: What?

Louga: He's got to be joking... no way! It can't be! Not... THAT!

Rauonjii: What is it?

Louga: There's a Triforce signet ring in this envelope!

Rauonjii: REALLY?! Why, did Zuri lose hers?

Louga: No! It says...

Rauonjii: Enough babbling, what does it say?

Louga: It says that there's going to be ANOTHER duelist!

Rauonjii: WHAT?! WHO!?!?

Louga: Another duelist... and it's going to be-

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SHADOW PLAY! SHADOW PLAY!
(Aw, MAN! AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOST SUSPENSEFUL PART!)

(Skullkid and Tingle are standing against a sheet.)

S-ko: Hum de dum de ho...

T-ko: (grabs a big iron pole and smacks Skullkid over the head with it)

S-ko: OWWW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

T-ko: It was funny! Koo-loo LIMPAH!

M-ko: (pops up out of nowhere) Ah-ah-AAH! What goes around comes around twice as hard!

G-ko: (ditto) GOES AROUND?! COMES AROUND?!?!

T-ko: What does that mean? Koo-loo Limpah!

M-ko: It means that when people do bad things to other people, they're going to be punished for it, only twice as hard!

T-ko: Is that true? Koo-loo Limpah!

M-ko: It certainly is! If you do bad things to others, bad things will happen to you!

T-ko: I hope not... Koo-loo Limpah!

(Skullkid grabs an even bigger iron pole and bashes Tingle in the head with it)

BOOOOOONG!

(Tingle falls over unconscious with a HUGE lump on his head)

S-ko: What goes around comes around, twice as hard!

M-ko: And twice as heavy, too! (examines the lump on Tingle's head) Hmm... do you think we should call a doctor?

S-ko: I dunno. Do you know?

All: DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU REALLY, REALLY KNOW?!?!

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

Louga: It's going to be- Oh crap, the ink is smudged out! I can't read the name!

Rauonjii: What horrible luck!

Louga: I guess we'll just have to wait until later this chapter when a new character will arrive and mysteriously inform us who the new duelist is!

Rauonjii: Darn the luck!

(Scene: Ruto is walking along the street on the way back to school from the local McDonalds)

Rutanami: (shivering) Jeez, it's cold! If Katsuru were here, I could make him give up his coat for me... Too bad he's still in the hospital, though. I'm glad he gets out tomorrow... So far, nothing else has happened to me... Yet.

(She grabs a few french fries out of the bag and eats them, still shivering. A black car pulls up behind her and starts slowly following her)

Rutanami: I don't get it, though. WHY would my beloved big brother want to kill ME? It's that horrible Nabootena, I'm sure of it! Don't worry big brother, soon my plan will go into phase 2, and I will free you from that siren's spell!

(The car behind her inches along slowly. We see a glimpse of the driver, who is in a dark shadow. He decides to turn on his headlights to send Ruto running.)

Driver: Heh heh heh... (reaches for the headlights switch, instead presses the "Lowrider" button.)

(Suddenly, the car leaps into "Lowrider" mode, hopping up and down uncontrollably and playing "La Cucaracha" out of the stereos)

Rutanami: (spins around, sees the black lowrider coming at her) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! KATSUUUUURUUUUUUUUUUUU! (runs off, screaming bloody murder)

Driver: DERNIT! STUPID LOWRIDER BUTTON! (bangs fist on dashboard, accidentally pressing "Rocket" button.)

(The car sprouts rockets out of its tailpipe, and it shoot off down the street at 10,000 miles per hour, as the driver screams bloody murder)

(Scene: The next night, at Link's birthday party in the rose garden. All of the student council and lots of the students are there, but it seems that Nabooru and Impa are late)

Louga: Oh Zuri, thanks so much for the party! I totally forgot that it was my birthday!

Zuri: Are you serious?

Louga: Yeah, I really did forget!

Zuri: You've been training too hard.

Louga: How else am I going to beat Nabootena?

Zuri: Easy, you're not. She's even better at dueling than I am! Or at least, she's got a good word in with the angels. It was a miracle that she beat me.

Louga: Yeah, yeah, we've all heard this before.

(Ruto scampers up to Link happily, holding a pink box with a bow on it)

Rutanami: HI, LINKY- Er, I mean, HIII LOUGA-POO!

Louga: (groans) Oh no...

Rutanami: Happy birthday, big brother! (hands him the box) I spent all of my money on it! I hope you like it!

Louga: Well, thank you, Rutanami. (slowly tears off part of the tape, carefully starts unwrapping the box)

Zuri: Um... what are you doing?

Louga: Saving the paper. I like to unwrap things slowly, and carefully, and- HEY!

(Ruto rips the box out of his hands and shreds the paper into bits, handing the box back to him)

Rutanami: You were taking too long!

Louga: Oh. (looks at the box) OH! It's from Bisho Depot! My favorite store!

Rutanami: Open it, open it!

Zuri: Yeah, open it! I wanna see!

(Link opens the box, and pulls out... a piece of slinky, green, male lingerie)

Louga: (face sinks) It's...

Zuri: (in shock) ... COMPLETELY inappropriate to give to your brother!

Rutanami: WHAT?! It is NOT!

Louga: Um... yeah... (holds it up to himself) Thanks Rutanami... I... guess.

Rutanami: You're welcome, big brother! (gives him a great big hug)

Zuri: (rolls eyes, walks away disgustedly)

Giki: (runs up to Link, stuffing his face with cake) Hey, great party, Louga! WOOOHOOOO! (chugs a can of root beer)

Louga: (unlatches Ruto from around his waist) Well, thanks for the present Rutanami. I'm going to go talk to Rauonjii for a while.

Rutanami: But... but who am I going to talk to?

Giki: (drooling, cake crumbs flying out of his mouth) Don't worry Rutanami, you can talk to me!

Rutanami: (eyes bugging out) I'm gonna have to pass, Giki.

Giki: OK then... why don't you talk to... my sister Kazoo?

Rutanami: Who?

Giki: (swallows lots of cake) KAZOOOO!

Kazoo: WHAAAAAT? (runs up to him) What do you want?

Giki: Talk to Rutanami!

Kazoo: But Giki, I was talking to Louga!

Rutanami: YOU WERE WHAT?!?! I'LL KILL YOU! (snaps fingers) HEY YOU GIRLS!

(Ruto's lackeys, Anju and the Rosa Sisters pop up out of nowhere)

Lackeys: You called?

Rutanami: Teach her a lesson for hitting on my brother!

Lackeys: Yes, Miss Rutanami!

(They all leap on Kazoo and start beating her up)

Giki: (swallows some more cake) OOK. I'm gonna go see if Nabootena and Impthy are here yet...

Rutanami: WHAT?! You mean THEY were invited TOO!?

Giki: Of course! Everyone was invited. (walks away, stuffing more cake in his mouth)

Rutanami: (clenches fist) GRRRRR...

Nabootena: Hi everyone! Sorry we're late!

(Nabooru walks in with Impa and Saria. Saria is holding a box)

Giki: Oh, HI Nabootena! (shyly) Hi Impthy...

Impthy: Hello, Giki!

Saraba: And let's not forget MEEE!

Giki: (gulps) Hi... Saraba... Wow, it's been... (checks watch) 3 chapters since we've seen you!

Saraba: Whaddya expect, I'm a supporting character. But my boyfriend Miss Nabootena promised that I could show up this time!

Nabootena: I'm not your boyfriend, Saraba.

Saraba: But... (eyes well up) Then... who is?

Nabootena: Uh... (scans crowd) There. Rauonjii is your boyfriend.

Saraba: MY BOYFRIEND! (shrieks, glomps Rauru, who nearly chokes on his Twinkie)

Rauonjii: AGGGH! LOUGA, GET'ER OFFA ME!

Louga: (steps away slowly) I think I'll leave you and Saraba alone now...

Nabootena: (hands the box to Link) Happy Birthday, Louga!

Louga: Oh, hello Nabootena, Miss Impthy. I'm glad you could come! A gift? You shouldn't have!

Impthy: Of course we should have, Mr. Louga! Miss- I mean, Nabootena found it for you outside our dorm!

Nabootena: I hope you like it!

Louga: ... whaddya mean "found it"?

Rutanami: (stomps over) Yeah, Nabootena, you gutter-trash! What did you get my brother?

Nabootena: Open it and see.

Louga: (looks apprehensive) If it's lingerie, I'm gonna hurl.

Rutanami: What was that?

Louga: NOTHING! (pulls off lid, gasps) Whoa! It's... it's a...

Rutanami: WHAT IS IT?!

Louga: (pulls an adorable gray kitten out of the box) IT'S A KITTY!

Rutanami: A KITTY?! I HATE CATS!

Impthy: Isn't he adorable?

Nabootena: I heard you liked cats, so I knew you would like him!

Louga: (speaking in baby talk, cuddling the kitten) OOOOOH, I JUST WUV WITTLE KITTIES! YES I DO! YES I DO! I WUV DA WITTLE KITTIES OH-SO-MUCH! YES I REALLY DO! WHAT A SWEET WITTLE KITTY YOU ARE, YES, YES! I'm going to call you Mr. Booboo! DAT'S WIGHT! YES I AM! YES I AM!

Rutanami: (looks furious) A kitten...

Louga: Oh, thank you, Nabootena, thanks Impthy! This is the best birthday present I've ever gotten. YES YOU ARE, MR. BOOBOO! YES YOU ARE!

Impthy: You're welcome, Mr. Louga!

(The three of them watch Link cuddling Mr. Booboo and talking in gibberish for a while, with Ruto looking progressively more pissed off. Impa and Nabooru chuckle sheepishly, and watch awkwardly as Link gets more and more infantile with the kitten)

Nabootena: (chuckles) Wow, you really do like cats, I guess.

Louga: OH YES I DO! YES, I WUV DA WITTLE KITTY! I DO, I DO, I DO! AWWW...

Rutanami: OH, WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!? (tries to snatch the cat away) We're not allowed to have pets!

Louga: Rutanami! Stop it!

Rutanami: (takes the kitten) I'm going to go put it in the pound where it belongs, the mangy thing!

Mr. Booboo: REEEOWWWWWRRRRR! (hisses, sinks claws into the side of Ruto's face)

Rutanami: AAAAACCCK! GETITOFF, GETITOFF! (flailing) ACCCKKK!

Louga: Rutanami, cut it out! Hold still! (grabs the cat, he immediately relaxes and falls asleep in Link's arms)

Impthy: Oh my gosh, Miss Rutanami, are you all right?

Rutanami: (bleeding profusely) AM I ALL RIGHT?! YOU IDIOT, I AM NOT ALL RIGHT! I'M GONNA KILL THAT CAT!

Louga: You will not! Rutanami, how could you be so cruel!?

Nabootena: Mr. Booboo was just playing, Rutanami! He didn't mean to hurt you.

Rutanami: PLAYING? THAT AIN'T NO ORDINARY KITTEN OVER THERE, THAT'S SATAN HIMSELF!

Louga: What's the matter with you anyway, Rutanami? You've been uptight all night.

Rutanami: I don't understand it! (screams, breaks something) I DON'T GET IT! WHY do you like HER SO MUCH, BIG BROTHER?!?!

Louga: Huh?

Impthy: Pardon?

Nabootena: What?

Rutanami: YOU, NABOOTENA GERUDO! WHY does everyone LIKE YOU SO MUCH? YOU'RE STUPID! AND UGLY! AND HORRIBLE, AND I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!

Louga: RUTANAMI! What a thing to say!

Rutanami: Oh, you should talk! I know you're trying to kill me big brother, and I never did anything to you! All I want from you is a little love!

Louga: WHAT?! I have NOT been trying to kill you!

Rutanami: Oh yes you have, you and Impthy! You're trying to knock me off! I heard you talking about the stampede right after it happened!

Louga: Huh?

Rutanami: I HEARD you telling her that you wanted the job done by TODAY, or you'd hire a professional! And then she was talking about the stampede! Trying to kill your own sister, you are, Louga!

Louga: Oh. THAAT. Rutanami, don't be ridiculous. I wasn't talking about YOU.

Impthy: Oh, Miss Rutanami! We were talking about the bugs in the rose garden!

Rutanami: Huh? Bugs?

Louga: There are bugs in the rose garden. Impthy's been trying to get rid of them with bug spray, and it hasn't been working.

Rutanami: Well what about the stampede, then?

Impthy: (holds up a bottle of bug spray that says "STAMPEDE brand BUG KILLER")

Rutanami: (blinks) Well, I... Someone is trying to kill me, then!

Louga: You're making a big deal out of nothing, Rutanami! And you have no reason to be mad at Nabootena.

Rutanami: I STILL HATE YOU! How dare you give my brother a kitten?! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU GOT A KITTEN, LOUGA?!

Nabootena: Rutanami, what are you talking about?

Rutanami: REMEMBER, LOUGA?!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\another FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

(Scene: About ten years earlier, a big mansion treehouse in Kokiri Forest. Child Link is sitting in a chair in a suit, with a pile of boxes around him)

Rich People: Happy Birthday, Mr. Louga!

Young Louga: Well, thank you... I only wish that Rutanami could have been here for the party.

(The door slams open, and a VERY young Ruto runs in, holding a box. She is covered in mud)

Young Rutanami: Big Brother! Big Brother, I'm here!

Their Mother: RUTANAMI! Look at you! You're absolutely COVERED in mud! Your new clothes are totally filthy!

Young Rutanami: But Mama, I-

Their Father: Go up to your room, Rutanami! Why can't you be like your brother?

Young Rutanami: But Papa, my present for Louga-

Young Louga: Wait! Mama, Papa, let her stay!

Their Parents: As you wish, our darling son...

(Link and Ruto roll their eyes. He takes the box from her)

Young Louga: Oh, where did you get it?

Young Rutanami: I found it in the ditch, big brother!

(Link opens the box, and pulls out an adorable calico kitten)

Young Louga: A KITTY! (reaction much like the one a couple paragraphs ago)

(Their parents and Ruto sit there for a moment, listening to Link making baby talk noises and murmuring in gibberish, and sounding like a complete idiot)

Their Father: (clears throat) Well... Rutanami, we can't keep a cat in the house.

Young Rutanami: Huh?! WHAT?! Why not?

Young Louga: NOO! I WANT TO KEEP IT!

Their Mother: Oh, children, it's absolutely disgusting and filthy!

Young Rutanami: It is not! It's cute!

Young Louga: Thank you, Rutanami! It's the best present I've ever gotten!

Their Mother: I'm serious, children! Lord only knows I HATE cats! Get that mangy thing out of here!

(Some of the servants come forward to try and take the kitten away, but Link has a heart attack and totally spazzes out)

Young Louga: NOOOOO! (clutches cat) I'LL NEVER LET YOU TAKE CHUCKLEBUBBLE AWAY FROM ME!

Their Parents: ... Chucklebubble?

Young Rutanami: That's right! I won't let you take him either!

Their Parents: ... Chucklebubble?

Young Louga: Come on, Rutanami! Let's go play with Chucklebubble!

Young Rutanami: HOOOWAAAYYY! (they run off with the cat)

Their Parents: ... CHUCKLEBUBBLE!?

(A few days later, Link is playing with the kitten and Ruto comes up to him)

Young Rutanami: Big brother, let's go look for worms in the ditch. I'm hungry.

Young Louga: Not now, Rutanami. I'm playing with Chucklebubble.

Young Rutanami: That's all you EVER do! Come on!

Young Louga: But he wants to play! Look at that face! (holds up the cat to show Ruto)

Young Rutanami: HMMPH! (flicks the cat on the nose)

Young Louga: HEY!

Chucklebubble: REWWOOOOOEEERRWWW!

(The kitten jumps up onto her face and starts clawing her all over. She runs around, flailing and screaming)

Young Rutanami: AAAGHHH, AAGGGGHHH, GET IT OFF!

Young Louga: HEY! (pulls cat off her face, she's bleeding) Rutanami, he was just playing!

Young Rutanami: STUPID CAT! I HATE IT!

Young Louga: It's a HE, not an it! And you stop it! I don't want to play with someone who hits my cat!

Young Rutanami: (gives the famous Ruto death glare to the cat)

(The next morning, Rutanami sneaks out of the house carrying a shoebox and a ball of yarn.)

Young Rutanami: (walking towards the river by the mansion, talking to herself, it seems) Shut up! It's your own fault, you stupid thing. You should have known better than to come between me and my big brother!

(She reaches the river, and opens the shoebox. Chucklebubble is inside, asleep)

Young Rutanami: You can look as cute as you want, you stupid cat. But I know that you're trying to take my brother away. So you have to go!

(She puts on the lid of the shoebox and ties it shut with the yarn. Then she stands over the river holding out the shoebox)

Young Rutanami: Goodbye, you stupid Chucklebubble! You'll never bother me or my brother ever again!

(Just as Ruto is about to drop the box in the river...)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Louga: (interrupts the flashback with a scream of horror as he hugs Mr. Booboo) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rutanami: WHAT?! I'm TRYING to tell you about the last kitten you had, big brother!

Louga: HOLY FREAKIN' MOLY, YOU DROWNED CHUCKLEBUBBLE?!

Nabootena: You DROWNED an innocent little kitten?!

Impthy: Oh my goodness!

Rutanami: Will you shut up and let me finish the story?

Louga: RUTANAMI! MY OWN SISTER... A COLDBLOODED CAT MURDERER! (bursts into tears, cradling Mr. Booboo) OH, MR. BOOBOO! I'LL PROTECT YOU FROM MY PSYCHOPATHIC SISTER!

Rutanami: SHUT UUUUUP!

Nabootena: I knew you had problems, Rutanami, but DROWNING A KITTEN!? You are seriously messed up, y'know that!? SERIOUSLY!

Rutanami: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU, NABOOTENA! (murderously glares at Link) AND SHUT UP ALREADY! I didn't finish the story!

Louga: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! YOU DROWNED MY ADORABLE LITTLE CHUCKLEBUBBLE!

Rutanami: OK, fine, don't listen! I'm going to finish the story anyway!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Young Rutanami: Goodbye, you stupid Chucklebubble! You'll never bother me or my brother ever again!

(Just as Ruto is about to drop the box, the string comes untied and Chucklebubble leaps out, snagging his claws onto her face and attacking her)

Young Rutanami: (screaming in pain, flailing) AAGGGGH! GETOFF! GETOFF! GET OFF, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DROWNING! LET GO OF MY FACE, YOU STUPID CAT! AAGGGGHHH!

Chucklebubble: REWOOOOWEEEERRRR!

(Chucklebubble jumps down from her face and scampers back to the house, completely unhurt. Ruto collapses by the river and cries her eyes out)

Young Rutanami: I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID CAT!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

(Scene: The present again. Link is inconsolable just at the thought of Ruto drowning his cat, and Nabootena is shaking her head sadly. Impa watches quietly)

Rutanami: I swear, Louga. You may be my ultra-hottie older brother, but you're an idiot! Chucklebubble lives at Mom and Dad's house, STILL! You found him that same morning, sitting in his little kitty bed like always!

Louga: (stops crying, thinks for a minute) Oh yeah. That's right, Chucklebubble is still alive...

Rutanami: I hated that cat... (glares at Mr. Booboo) And this cat I hate even more...

Louga: (sweeps Mr. Booboo into his arms as if to protect him) NOOOO! YOU WILL NOT TOUCH THIS KITTEN, YOU CAT-KILLER!

Rutanami: You know WHY I hate it, BIG BROTHER?!?! I HATE IT BECAUSE IT CAME FROM HER! (points at Nabootena, absolutely SEETHING with anger)

Nabootena: Rutanami, what on earth did I do to make you hate me so much?!

Rutanami: YOU FLIRTED WITH MY BROTHER, YOU SKANK!

Nabootena: (looks at Ruto confusedly) I did what now?

Rutanami: YOU FLIRTED WITH MY BROTHER!

Nabootena: I did not! Louga, did I ever flirt with you?

Louga: (still blubbering) No...

Nabootena: SEE?

Rutanami: You're flirting with him RIGHT NOW!

Nabootena: (is about to say something, pauses) I- I'm just TALKING to him!

Rutanami: You're flirting, and you know it!

Nabootena: (looks at Impa with a look of utter shock on her face) DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE HEARING?!

Impthy: Miss Rutanami... I don't think that Nabootena's intentions in talking to Mr. Louga have anything to do with-

Rutanami: (furious) AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOU, YOU FREAK!

Nabootena: Ya see, Rutanami? Maybe THIS is why you're not well liked around here! You're mean to anyone who even TALKS to your brother! Why, just a little while ago, you had your lackeys beat the crap out of Kazoo Dragmire for no good reason!

Kazoo: (crawling along the floor, bleeding profusely) Someone... call the doctor!

Rutanami: There was a good reason! She... she was... That's not true! I don't beat anyone up who doesn't deserve it!

Giki: (walks up to Link, who is still crying) Louga, do you have any spare napkins anywhere? We need to-

Rutanami: (explodes) MY BROTHER DOESN'T SWING THAT WAY, YOU SICKO! LACKEYS!

Anjuko: You...

Meiko: Called...

Juko: Miss...

All Three: Rutanami?

Rutanami: GET'M!

(The three of them leap onto the unsuspecting Ganondorf, beating him into a bloody pulp)

Rutanami: (claps hands) There, now where were we... Oh yeah! I NEVER BEAT ANYONE UP WHO DOESN'T DESERVE IT!

Louga: (sniffling) Rutanami, who are you to decide if someone deserves to be punished or not?

Rutanami: (tears welling up) I'm only trying to protect you from the girly scum at this school, big brother!

Nabootena: (sarcastically) Giki is neither girly, nor scum.

Rutanami: (gives Link a big hug) I'm the only girl at this school who deserves you, my darling...

Louga: GAH! (jumps back, holding out Mr. Booboo threateningly) GET BACK! GET AWAY FROM ME! Rutanami, you need some SERIOUS counseling! I'm your BROTHER, not your BOYFRIEND!

Rutanami: (wailing) But when we were little, you were my prince!

Louga: I was your big brother, Rutanami! Of course I was your prince! We're too old to play games like that now, it's just yucky! Find another prince, I'm your brother!

Rutanami: (bursts into tears, sounding vicious) IT'S HER AGAIN, ISN'T IT? (pointing at Nabooru) IT'S THAT SLUT NABOOTENA!

Nabootena: Will you just leave me out of it already?!

Rutanami: (gets right in Nabooru's face, grabbing her collar) You're nothing special! You know if it weren't for Impthy, you'd be a stupid, faceless nobody! You can't revolutionize the world! (to Link) WHY DO YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH!?

Louga: (freaks) I... I don't LOVE her!

Rutanami: That's not what you said when you were making out with your pillow last night!

(Everyone falls completely silent and stares at Link, who is almost as red the punchbowl. Then, they burst out laughing.)

Nabootena: (gives Link the death look)

Louga: I... I...

Rutanami: JUST ONCE, I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN YOU, NABOOTENA! I WANT TO BEAT YOU AT SOMETHING! I'LL SHOW YOU, LOUGA! I'M BETTER THAN HER! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL, NABOOTENA!

(Nabooru stands silently for a moment, then cracks up)

Nabootena: (gasping for air) YOU... DUEL... ME?! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Rutanami: WHAT'S SO FREAKIN' FUNNY?!

Louga: You're not allowed to duel, Rutanami. You're not a duelist. You don't have a ring.

Mysterious Voice: Oh, now I wouldn't say that...

(Everyone falls silent and looks at a figure looming from the shadows. Darunia steps into the light. He's wearing a bright red boy's uniform, and he is sitting on the hood of a shnazzy red convertible with white leather seats and Farore license plates. His hair is dyed a very light purple- almost lavender, which trust me, is a weird look for a Goron...)

Everyone: (gasp)

Rutanami: A red car with Farore plates! THAT'S IT! That's the car that was following me! (points at Darunia) It's you! You're the one who's trying to kill me!

Dakio: Don't be ridiculous, my dear girl. Perhaps you don't know who I am...

(Leaning against the car suavely, Darunia suddenly rolls over the hood, accompanied by sparkly sound effect)

Dakio: CIAO!

(As he rolls over the hood, his big fat Goron butt dents the car)

Dakio: Oh CRAP!

(Everyone is staring at him)

Dakio: (bites lip, clears throat) Where was I? Oh yes. Perhaps you don't know who I am...

Saraba: (steps forward, dragging Rauru by the ear) Wait a sec- why are you parked in the garden?

Dakio: The student dean of the school is usually allowed to do that.

Student Council Members: STUDENT DEAN?

Dakio: That's right. My name's Dakio Farore. I'm the headmaster's son. That makes me the student dean of the school. And from now on, my father has ordered me to stay in a dorm down here where I can keep an eye on all you students.

(Nabooru gasps, and stares at the ring on her finger, then back at Darunia.)

Nabootena: (thoughts) There's something about that man... I know I've never seen him before... But why... why is he so familiar?

Dakio: And when I heard that our student council president was having a birthday party, I just had to come... And then I heard that fascinating little squabble there between young Miss Rutanami and her brother...

(He walks up to Impa and Nabooru, and everyone is watching him closely. She looks spaced out, as if lost in thought, but she keeps her eyes on him)

Dakio: (bows to Impa) Hello, Impthy.

Impthy: Hello, Dakio. (nods a greeting)

(Darunia turns to Nabooru and smiles beatifically)

Dakio: And you must be the amazing Miss Nabootena Gerudo. I've heard so much about you. Three duels undefeated... and you already had a ring when you came to the school.

Nabootena: Uh... huh...

Dakio: Now then! This matter with young Miss Rutanami... (he walks up to Link, and sees Mr. Booboo) Ooh, a kitty! I love kitties!

Mr. Booboo: RREWOWOER! (bites him)

Dakio: OWW! (shakes off his fingers) Never mind... Louga, I believe you have an envelope in your pocket containing a single Triforce signet ring with a letter that states it should go to a new duelist, the name of whom is crossed out with an ink blot. You also have a stick of chewing gum and a cut-out mustache from the "Sgt. Pepper" album.

(Link sets down Mr. Booboo, throwing Ruto a look of venom. He digs in his pocket, and pulls out the envelope, a stick of chewing gum, and a cut-out mustache)

Louga: Wow, you're right! How did you know?!

Dakio: Poor, simple Louga. Haven't you figured it out? I know that "End of the World" guy PERSONALLY.

Student Council Members: (awestruck) YOU KNOW END OF THE WORLD?!

Dakio: Mmmmhmm. And I watched him send that letter. I know exactly who it was written for.

All: WHO? WHO? WHO?

Dakio: (walks up to Ruto, pats her on the head) It was addressed to Miss Rutanami Hyliana.

Louga: WHAT?!

Nabootena: WHAT?!

Rauonjii: WHAT?! (eats a Twinkie)

Giki: (nose bleeding) WHAT?!

Zuri: WHAT?!!

Louga: NO! NO! RUTANAMI CAN'T DUEL! I'M SUPPOSED TO DUEL NABOOTENA NEXT!

Rutanami: (gasps) AAAAAALLRIIIIIIIIIIGHT! YESSSS! WOOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOO! (dancing around) I GET TO DUEL! I GET TO DUEL! Hey wait- That means... (turns to Nabooru with an evil grin on her face)

Nabootena: Uh oh...

Rutanami: I GET TO DUEL NABOOTENA! BAAHAHAHAHAHAA! I CHALLENGE YOU, NABOOTENA! TO A DUEL, TOMORROW NIGHT AT 6! Say goodbye to Nabootena, Impthy, you stupid Rose Bride you! Because tomorrow, you're comin' with me! AAAHAHAHAHAHAAA! (thunder and lightning strike)

Impthy: Oh my goodness!

Giki: (holding a Kleenex to his nose) Oooooooooohhhhhhhh no she isn't! Nabootena's gonna win! I know it! (sticks his finger in Ruto's chest) Nabootena can kick your sorry Zora butt any day! She fights for truth, justice, and LOVE! (eyes Impthy) Mostly Love...

Rutanami: Trust me, Giki Dragmire! The FIRST THING I'm gonna do once I win the Rose Bride, I'm gonna have you EXPELLED FOR KISSING IMPTHY!

Giki: WHAT?! NO! (passes out from loss of blood and shock)

Impthy: Miss Rutanami, please!

Nabootena: Don't make such a scene!

Rutanami: We'll see who will be making a scene tomorrow, after I beat you, Nabootena! AAHAHAHA! (thunder and lightning) I WILL WIN YOUR HEART, DEAR BROTHER!

Louga: (shudders, cuddles Mr. Booboo)

Dakio: And that's why I was following you, dear Rutanami... To see if you really had the shtuff to be a Farore Duelist!

Rutanami: Then... who's trying to kill me?

Dakio: (chuckles nastily) Oh, now THAT I don't know. I can't see WHO would want to kill such a lovely young girl!

(Everyone grumbles)

Rutanami: (curtsies) Oh, thank you Mr. Dakio! Thank you so much! (giggles, then looks nasty again) Now if you'll EXCUSE me, I'm going to BED! I need my beauty sleep!

(Ruto grabs her ring from Link, and slips it on her finger happily, marching off to her dorm)

(Everyone stands silently for a moment, watching her go. Darunia clears his throat)

Dakio: Well then, students. It's getting late. This party's getting dull anyway. I'll be in my dorm... #643 in the SOUTH WING... BOTTOM FLOOR... the one with the FLAMINGOS in the yard...

(He stands near the hood of his car, and suavely rolls over the hood again, accompanied by sparkly sound effects)

Dakio: CIAO!

(makes another dent in the car)

Dakio: CRAP!

(He drives away.)

Several Female Students: WOOO! (race off to dorm #643 in the south wing, on the bottom floor, with the flamingos in the yard) OH MR. DAKIO, YOU'RE SO HOT!

Saraba: (sticks out her tongue) Him, HOT? BLEAH!

Impthy: (looks at Nabooru worriedly) Nabootena... Rutanami is-

Nabootena: Going to try and kill me, I know.

Impthy: Another duelist... what are you gonna do now?

Louga: (cuddling Mr. Booboo again) OH, YOU'RE SUCH A CUTE WITTLE KITTY! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE, MR. BOO-

Nabootena: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?!?! Come on, Impthy... Let's go to bed. I need to think for a while...

(Scene: The dorm. Impa is brushing her teeth, and Nabooru is already in the bottom bunk)

Nabootena: Impthy... who was that man?

Impthy: (mouth full of toothpaste) ThwsDakioFREWROY, hemsrrefdtjjfooo.

Nabootena: (scratches Nachu's head) In ENGLISH, please?

Impthy: (spits) That was Dakio Farore, the headmaster's son. He's the student dean. That means he's the only student at the school with more power than Louga.

Nabootena: Something about him was very familiar... I think I've met him before.

Impthy: I don't think so. Dakio keeps to himself, mostly. He attends private classes in the headmaster's office.

Nabootena: I've never even seen the headmaster, have you?

Impthy: Yes, I have. (grabs some floss)

Nabootena: What's he look like?

Impthy: A lot like Dakio.

Nabootena: (sighs, looks at her ring) Impthy, is Dakio a duelist too?

Impthy: Hm? I don't think so.

Nabootena: Then how did he know who you were?

Impthy: Everyone knows who I am, Nabootena! I'm the Rose Bride!

Nabootena: (shakes head) No, no, no! He said "Hi" to you. He didn't speak to almost anyone else, but me, you, Louga, and Rutanami.

Impthy: Well, it makes sense that he would talk to his sister...

Nabootena: (does a double-take) SISTER?! What?

Impthy: Dakio is my brother.

Nabootena: YOU MEAN- (jumps up) YOU'RE the headmaster's DAUGHTER?!

Impthy: No.

Nabootena: Wait a sec- then how can Dakio be your brother... HE'S A GORON! He can't be your brother!

Impthy: (giggles) Just because he's a Goron doesn't mean he can't be my brother. Look at Louga and Rutanami. And besides, he's not my REAL brother, Nabootena, he's my SWORN brother.

Nabootena: Ooooh. (looks confused) Don't follow.

Impthy: Never mind... He's SORT of like my brother. We grew up together.

Nabootena: Ah. Wait- Impthy, is THAT why you're the Rose Bride?

Impthy: Hm?

Nabootena: You're the student dean's sister. Is that why you're the Rose Bride?

Impthy: (sighs) He has something to do with it...

Nabootena: Did he put the spell on you?

Impthy: No, he didn't. But he had something to do with it.

Nabootena: What?

Impthy: (collapses on the bed, looks kind of upset) I don't remember...

Nabootena: HOW do you not remember having a spell put on you?

Impthy: I don't know. How does the winner of the duel become my master? Hmm?

Nabootena: Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose I am prying... It's just, if I knew who put the curse on you in the first place, it might help me break it.

Impthy: (takes off her glasses, gets in the top bunk) It's all right... Nabootena- you're different from the other duelists. You're the only person I've ever been engaged to who was really my friend... You and Giki are the only real friends I've ever had.

Nabootena: (smirks) Well, that's all going to change soon! You're already changing, Impthy! Haven't you noticed that you've been more confident lately? And you're starting to be happier, too!

Impthy: I think you're right! I really am turning normal!

Nabootena: That's right, and I'm not going to stop dueling until you're free of that awful curse, Impthy!

Impthy: Oh, thank you Nabootena! Thank you so much! You really are my prince!

Nabootena: (gives her an odd look)

Impthy: In a non prison-movie kind of way.

Nabootena: Good. G'night, Impthy.

Impthy: Oh, but what are you going to do about Rutanami's duel tomorrow?

Nabootena: Same thing that I do every duel... KICK SOME DUELIST DERRIERE!

(Scene: The next day. Kafei is walking Ruto, who is wearing a new dueling outfit, up the exterior stairs to the dueling tower at 5:30.)

Rutanami: Just you wait, Katsuru! I'll beat Nabootena and take the Rose Bride away from her so fast, her head'll spin!

Katsuru: (wearing a neck brace and his arm in a sling) I thought I wasn't allowed up in the dueling tower, Miss Rutanami!

Rutanami: I know. But I asked Louga to give me permission to bring you up here. Ever since my darling big brother proved his innocence in my attempted murder, I don't know WHO'S trying to kill me! So, I think I'd better have you, my prince, protect me.

Katsuru: Louga? Innocent?! Are you sure?

Rutanami: Well, last Tuesday when you got back from the hospital, he was walking WITH me when those water buffaloes stampeded through the hallway. He couldn't have done that. And last Thursday, he was practicing in the gym with Rauonjii when the bookshelves in the library toppled over almost on top of me. Good thing you were there to push me out of the way. Friday, he was at a poetry reading in town when the pop machine in the cafeteria exploded in a burst of shrapnel. I'm just lucky that you were there to take all the sharp bits. And it wasn't his car that swerved in the parking lot all three times on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus, he was still at his birthday party last night when I fell into that pit lined with spikes. Good thing I met you in the courtyard and landed on top of you.

Katsuru: I suppose you're right...

Rutanami: Nabootena's still the number 1 suspect... I think she may try to eliminate me before the duel! Of course, we all know that I'M gonna win, so she may try to kill me beforehand!

Katsuru: You're right... (sounds like he's digging in his pocket) And we can't have that...

Rutanami: That's strange... someone's painted a target on this stair! What's it for, I wonder? (stop to look at a big red bull's eye painted on the ground.)

Katsuru: LOOK OUT, MISS RUTANAMI! (pushes her forward)

Rutanami: OW! KATSURU, WHAT?!

(The two of them land on their faces a few feet away, and five seconds later a large bucket full of nails crashes down onto the stairs from the roof)

Rutanami: AGH! ANOTHER ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE! WHAT THE HECK IS- ... this rope doing here?

(She sees a rope lying on the ground, and she sees that it is tied to the handle of the bucket)

Rutanami: SOMEONE PULLED IT DOWN! But... WHO?!

(She stands up, and pulls the rope as she examines every part of it. Finally, she reaches the end of the rope, and there is something very heavy on the end)

Rutanami: HUH!? (holds up Kafei, who is hanging from the rope by his beltloop)

Katsuru: (looks terrified) Um... OH WOW! Look, Miss Rutanami! The killer tied the rope to my pants so that the bucket would fall with you underneath!

Rutanami: KATSURU!

Katsuru: (starts sweating) Um... yes, my princess?!

Rutanami: WHY is the rope that's tied to the bucket that planned to kill me tied to your pants?

Katsuru: Um... I dunno.

Rutanami: And why did you know that it was going to fall FIVE SECONDS before it did?!

Katsuru: I dunno... (shaking nervously)

Rutanami: (holds him upside down, shakes out his pockets) "I dunno", huh? Let's just see how MUCH you know, you little twerp!

(Several papers fall out of his pocket. She picks them up and reads them)

Rutanami: WHAT'S THIS!? "Sal's Stalking Service: One little black car to follow Rutanami Hyliana?!" "Wally's Wild Animal Delivery"? "Allison's Big Heavy Flowerpot Shop"?!

Katsuru: Um... those are... Gold C coupons?

Rutanami: YOU'RE the one who's trying to kill me! MY OWN PRINCE! And to think, I TRUSTED YOU! (holds him out over the edge of the stairs) Bye-bye, Mr. Serial Killer!

Katsuru: NO, WAIT! Rutanami, you gotta listen to me! I'm sorry I tried to hurt you, but you don't understand!

Rutanami: I understand! Your little "pre-teen angst" isn't gonna save you this time, Katsuru!

Katsuru: The only reason I did it is because I want to be your prince!

Rutanami: Hmm? (stares at him angrily)

Katsuru: You're so beautiful, Rutanami! And you're so smart, and so clever! I really like you, Rutanami! But... but, you only like people who are like your big brother Louga...

Rutanami: Correction! I ONLY like my big brother! (grins)

Katsuru: I knew that if I would ever have a chance with you, I'd have to be like your big brother, your prince! So, I set up dangerous situations and saved you from them... (rubs his butt) Hurting myself very badly in the process...

Rutanami: Are you serious?

Katsuru: I knew that if I could rescue you from danger like Louga used to do when you were little, you would like me too!

Rutanami: (drops him, kneels, and gives him a big hug) Katsuru, that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard! (kisses his cheek) You were a very good- if not a little psycho, prince!

Katsuru: Really?

Rutanami: Really, really.

Katsuru: Does this mean that I'm your boyfriend?

Rutanami: (quickly) No.

Katsuru: Huh? Why not?!

Rutanami: (picks him up by his underwear) You're a 4th grader. And a scary one, at that. Besides, you tried to kill me and I'm sorry, but I just can't put that behind me. (drops him off the side of the stairs)

Katsuru: AAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! BUT RUTAANAMIIIIIIIIIIIII! I LOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUU!

Rutanami: (snootily) HMMPH. (stomps up into the dueling arena)

(There is a loud WHAM from below.)

Katsuru: (groaning) I'm... OK! Wait- what happened to that bucket?

(There is a loud BOOOONGGG from below)

Katsuru: OW!

(Scene: At the bottom of the stairs, Nabooru opens the door to the tower using her ring, and she prepares her ascent. She takes a deep breath, and steps onto the first steps. Loud, wild rock-guitar chords blast from out of nowhere, and she jumps backwards in surprise)

Nabootena: GAAAH! (gasping for breath, looking around worriedly) What in the hell was that?

(Looking around suspiciously, she takes a single step forward onto the first step, and the same rock guitar chords explode. She steps off the step, and they start again.)

Nabootena: Oh, what the hey? (starts walking up the stairs, and the Long and Annoying Weird Song starts up.)

Chorus Singers:
HERE IT!
IS THE!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!

MARLON BRANDO!
SGT. PEPPER!
HOLLYWOOD HOGAN!
JOHN!
TEEPEE!
CREEPY!
SLEEPY!
BUBBLEGUM! BUBBLEGUM!

ARTICHOKE!
HOKEY-POKE!
WALL SOCKET!
PAUL!
SCORPION KING!
VIENNA CRÈME COOKIES!
RAISIN BRAN!
ROCKET PARK! ROCKET PARK!

GEORGE!
LENNY!
OF MICE IN MEN!
RINGO!
WHITE-WING DOVE!
CRANBERRY!
3 1/2 INCH FLOPPY!
AFRICA! AFRICA!

(Nabooru walks along the upper part of the stairs, and yells in pain as she steps on a nail. She hops on one foot the rest of the way, and sees Ruto, Link, Rauru, Zelda, Ganondorf, Darunia and Impa [in her Rose Bride outfit] waiting for her.)

Chorus Singers:
EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! SUBSITUTION! RESOLUTION! LOOK-AT-YOU-TION! WE-DON'T-MAKE-NO-SENSE-A-TUTION! ... boom.

Rutanami: (crosses arms angrily) HMMPH! Well, it took you long enough! Are you ready to lose?

Nabootena: (walks to stand next to them) Hi, Rutanami. Louga, what are you doing here?

Louga: (smiles smugly) I'm here to cheer for my sister.

(Link grabs Impa and leads her to the other side of the arena, whispering)

Louga: Look, it's obvious that Rutanami's gonna try and kill you, so I figured I'd- (sees that it's Impa he's talking to) OH! Um, wrong person!

(He leads the very confused Impa back over to where she was and grabs Nabooru)

Louga: Look, it's obvious that Rutanami's gonna try and kill you, so I figured I'd stay here and keep an eye on her.

Nabootena: Thanks, but I can handle it.

Louga: Fine.

Nabootena: (points at the other Student Council members who are lounging in deck chairs and eating popcorn) Well what are THEY doing here, then?

Zuri: We came to watch, a-duuuh.

Rauonjii: BAH! As if it's any of YOUR business, we've got courtside seats for this duel.

Giki: (waving a flag with Nabooru's face on it) Go Nabootena!

Dakio: (snickers) I don't know why you all like this "dueling" so much... it's too unrefined for my tastes... But of course, if I wanted to be a duelist, I could. My father, as well as ANYONE in their right mind would GLADLY let someone as gorgeous and sexy as me be a-

Zuri: Will you shut up already? I don't care if you are the headmaster's son, you're annoying!

Rauonjii: And get off of that deck chair! It's reserved for Louga!

Dakio: (stands up, grumbling)

Impthy: (walks up with an orange rose for Nabooru and a blue one for Ruto) The first person who loses her rose loses the duel. Please sit down, Mr. Louga.

Louga: (snorts, takes a seat by Zelda)

Impthy: (chokes back a sigh, eats a few aspirin like they were candy)

Nabootena: Excuse us, Rutanami.

Rutanami: SURE! I'll still be here waiting to BEAT YOU when you're done! AHA!

Impthy: Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and (winces) obey (winces) your... MASTER! AGH! (falls over backwards)

(Nabooru catches her and pulls the Sword of Lios out of her chest. Ouchies, I still say that would hurt.)

Nabootena: (dramatic sword pose) Give me the power to bring the world revolution!

Student Council: (ooh-ing and aah-ing) OOOH! AAAH!

Dakio: (yawns) Ho-hum.

Rutanami: WOO! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT TO DO THAT WITH THE ROSE BRIDE! HA! (dancing around) Impthy's a human sword block! Impthy's a human sword block!

Nabootena: (drops Impa, who grunts) ALL RIGHT RU- (looks at Impa) Oops, sorry!

Impthy: I've got it... under control...

Giki: Here, Impthy, let me help. (carries her to the side of the arena)

Rutanami: You'd better watch your butt, Giki! If I catch you touching her after I WIN, you're gonna get EXPELLED!

Giki: Aah, kiss my rosy red Gerudo rump.

(He lets Impa sit in his deck chair)

Rutanami: Now, NABOOTENA! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED! YOU'LL PAY FOR TAKING MY BROTHER FROM ME! HEEEYAAAAA!

Nabootena: WOOOOOCHA!!

(They both charge at each other, when suddenly, Ruto stops and stares at the upside-down castle)

Rutanami: WOW! I've never seen an upside down castle before! WHAT'S IN IT!?

Louga: RUTANAMI! NOT NOW!

Rutanami: Huh? (sees Nabooru) WACK! (leaps out of the way)

Nabootena: (stops just past Ruto) That castle is where the power to revolutionize the world is! There's something eternal in there, for the winner of all the duels! And whoever can open the castle can also set Impthy free, which is what I intend to do!

Rauonjii: Something eternal... (looks around suspiciously, eyes Impa)

Rutanami: WRONG-O I'M gonna win, just to make YOU look bad! Because I hate you, just like I hated Chucklebubble! And UNLIKE Chucklebubble, Nabootena Gerudo, I'm NOT gonna let you get away with stealing my brother! WAAAAAAYAAA!

Louga: (lips quiver) CHUCKLEBUBBLE! (pulls Mr. Booboo out of his pocket and pets him, crying)

Zuri: I THOUGHT that Chucklebubble was still alive, Louga!

Louga: He is, I just miss him! WAAAA! I WUV MY WITTLE MR. BOOBOO!

Giki: (looks at watch) That's 3 minutes and 21 seconds since he last talked in gibberish.

(Ruto comes at Nabooru fast, swinging her sword wildly. The duel continues)

Mr. Booboo: Mew.

Louga: Huh? OH! AGH! Mr. Booboo, you naughty kitty! You went tinkle all over my new tunic! (stands up, unbuttons his tunic) I'll just have to take it off...

Rutanami: HUH?! (stops in her tracks, stares wide-eyed as Link removes his tunic)

Louga: Uh-oh, it got on my undershirt, too! I'll just take these off and change later...

Rutanami: (drooling, staring blankly at Link)

Nabootena: Rutanami? RUTANAMI! (shaking her shoulder) Hey, are you gonna pay attention? RUTANAMI!

Rutanami: Big... brotherrrrrrrrr...

(In her mind, a BAYWATCH-type scene in which Link shakes water out of his flowing blond hair plays. He then flexes the muscles on his shirtless chest, and stares at Ruto with dreamy blue eyes)

Rutanami: (totally blank-eyed) OOOOOOH...

Nabootena: (rolls eyes) Jeez, that's disgusting. (shrugs, pokes Ruto's rose with her sword, and the petals all fall to the ground)

Impthy: The winner is Miss Nabootena!

Zuri and Giki: YES! AAAHAHAHAHA! WOOOHOOOOO!

Louga: (suddenly pays attention to the duel) Huh? OH!

Rutanami: Huh? (looks at the petals on the ground) NO! NO! NOOO, SHE BEAT ME AGAIN! (bursts into tears, shrieks in agony) NABOOTENA! YOU STUPID SLUT, I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BEAT ME... WHY, WHY WHYYYYYYY!??!

Nabootena: Rutanami... (tries to pat her shoulder)

Rutanami: STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME LIKE YOU TOUCH MY BROTHER! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...

Nabootena: I'm TELLING YOU, you PSYCHO, I DO... NOT... LIKE... YOUR... BROTHER!

Rutanami: (collapses onto the floor) I HATE YOU... WHY CAN'T I EVER BE THE PRINCESS, WHY?! WHY CAN'T HE BE MIIIIIIIINE?!

Nabootena: Does the fact that he's your brother have anything to do with it?

Louga: Rutanami... (taps her shoulder)

Rutanami: NO! NO, DON'T TOUCH ME, LOUGA! I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M A LOSER... JUST GO OFF WITH NABOOTENA AND... AND... AND DO WHATEVER! WE'RE TOO OLD TO PLAY SILLY PRINCE GAMES ANYMORE!

Louga: Rutanami. I'm still your prince. Just in a... a... (stumbles for a word)

Giki, Impthy, Nabootena: A non prison-movie kind of way?

Louga: That's it! (helps her up) Come on, Rutanami. You did the best that you could.

Rutanami: (collapses into his arms, cries into his chest)

Louga: That's it. It's all right. You're still my baby sister, and you're still my little damsel in distress. Just... not like that.

Rutanami: (The camera stays focused on her, crying)

(Nabooru, Zelda, Ganondorf watch, and Darunia combs his hair. Rauru is nowhere to be found)

Louga: After all, plenty of stories have brothers who rescue their sisters. Like... Greek mythology! (scratches chin) Uh, no... in those stories, the sister usually ended up having the brother's baby... Um... let's think... YEAH! In King Arthur! King Arthur's sisters were- oh wait, no... no... He had a baby with his half-sister... yeah... Hey, I think I saw this episode of Jerry Springer where- WAIT! What am I THINKING, the sister MARRIED her brother, yeah! Well... let's see... there must be some story...

(Ruto looks up at Link, and then notices that her face is right in his bare, muscular chest. She smiles widely, and cuddles his pecs)

(Nabooru, Ganondorf, and Zelda give each other confused looks)

Nabootena: Well, come on Impthy, we'd better get this sword back in and- (looks around, sees that Impa is gone) Hey, you guys! Where did Impthy go?

Zuri: Yeah, and where's Rauonjii?

Evil cackle from distance: That's right, my love! Something eternal is in that castle, and you and I are going to get it!

Impthy: (screaming) MR. RAUONJII, NO! We're not allowed- It's against the rules- I've got to... NABOOTENA!

Nabootena: What the hell?

Louga: (drops Ruto on the ground) HEY! RAUONJII'S RUN OFF WITH THE ROSE BRIDE!

Zuri: WHAT is he doing?!

Dakio: (yawns) It looks like he's trying to make Impthy use her powers to open the castle... (it suddenly dawns on him) OPEN THE CASTLE?! NOOO!

Giki: Why would he do that?! It's STRICTLY against the rules!

Louga: Don't you know, Giki? You're not the only one with a crush on Impthy!

Giki: Huh, what? (double-take) NOOOOO! IMPTHY!

Dakio: STOP HIM! SOMEONE STOP HIM, NOW!

Zuri: Why are YOU so worried?

(Darunia grabs her by the throat)

Dakio: DO NOT LET THAT IDIOT OPEN THE CASTLE! IF THAT CASTLE OPENS, IT WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME!

Zuri: GYAAH! Let go, you mentally-unhinged-crazy-man!

Dakio: (looks at the other student council members in terror) DON'T KET HIM REACH THAT CASTLE!

(The entire student council, Nabootena and Dakio race across the dueling arena to where Rauru is taking Impa)

Rauonjii: It's mine, you losers! MINE! MINE! MINE! And Impthy's too!

Nabootena: Rauonjii! (pulls out Sword of Lios, leaps forward to attack him)

(Suddenly, the tower shakes and a column rises up out of the ground right underneath Nabooru, Rauru and Impa. All three scream, and the column goes shooting up towards the castle. Impa is glowing purple)

Nabootena: HEY!

Impthy: AHHH! NABOOTENA!

Rauonjii: SAVE ME! SAVE ME! GET ME DOWN! (sees the castle getting closer) No, wait! LET ME UP! LET ME UP! (cackles wickedly)

Nabootena: RAUONJII! Leave Impthy alone! She's not in love with you!

Rauonjii: That's not what she said when I was engaged to her!

Impthy: Uh, hello, stupid, you made me say that.

Rauonjii: (scratches chin) Oh yeah... Well I don't care! I love you anyway, and when we get the power inside this castle, we will be together for eternity!

(He smiles when he sees the castle growing ever-closer)

Nabootena: Has it ever been brought to your attention that you need some mental help, Rauonjii?

Rauonjii: (cackling wickedly, grabs Impa's hand) Here it comes, my love- WAAH!

(The column screeches to a halt thousands of feet above the floor of the dueling arena, almost sending them flying)

Louga: (from below) HOLD ON, WE'LL GET YOU DOWN!

Zuri: HOW, YOU IDIOT?!

Louga: I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I FIGURE IT OUT!

Giki: IF YOU TOUCH MY DARLING IMPTHY, RAUONJII, I'LL POUND YOUR HEAD ALL THE WAY DOWN INTO YOUR SPHINCTER!

Dakio: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT CASTLE, RAUONJII! DON'T TOUCH IT! IF YOU TOUCH IT, I WILL SEE TO IT PERSONALLY THAT YOU DIE AT A YOUNG AGE, VERY SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!

Rauonjii: JUST TRY AND STOP ME, DAKIO! BAH HAH HAH!

(Rauru stomps on the bottom of the column, but it won't go up any further)

Rauonjii: Darn the luck! IMPTHY! Get us up there, NOW!

Impthy: Mr. Rauonjii, I can't! I'm not allowed to!

Rauonjii: OK... (steps towards Nabooru) Do it or I'll push her off.

Nabootena: WHAT!? Hey buddy, leave me out of this!

Impthy: Mr. Rauonjii, I'm telling you, I can't! Leave Nabootena alone!

(Rauru gets ready to push Nabooru, when suddenly, the castle starts glowing brightly. Light shoots from the windows and cracks in the drawbridge, and heavenly singing can be heard.)

Rauonjii: IT'S OPENING!

Dakio: NOOOOOO!

Rauonjii: (snickers) Well, well, Miss Nabootena... it seems I shall be the one with the power after all! (laughs evilly)

Nabootena: Yeah right, fat man. (pushes him off the column)

Rauonjii: (screams in terror as he falls)

Impthy: NABOOTENA!

Nabootena: WHAT? He tried to push me! And besides, he'll be fine. Just watch.

(A few seconds later, we hear a THUD! and a BOIIIING! and seconds after that, Rauru bounces all the way back up to the height of the column)

Rauonjii: WHOAAAAAAAA! (falls back down, crashes into the roof of the school and leaves a dent. The other people swarm around him)

Nabootena: Lard bounces.

Impthy: Nabootena, how will we ever get down?

Nabootena: I'll tell you when I figure it out.

(The light glows even brighter, and everyone covers their eyes)

Louga: Jeez, it's bright enough! What's that light?

Dakio: NO, IT CAN'T BE! NEVER! NEVER, NEVER, IT'LL NEVER ESCAPE!

Zuri: WHAT are you talking about?

Dakio: LIOS!

Louga and Zuri: HUH?

Dakio: Um... I mean, THE POWER IS ESCAPING! IT CAN'T! NOT UNTIL THE DUELS ARE OVER!

Giki: Screw the power, what about Nabootena and Impthy?!

Rutanami: (poking Rauru with her sword) Doesn't anyone care that Rauonjii's unconscious?

Giki: SCREW Rauonjii, what about Nabootena and Impthy?!

Rutanami: (crosses arms) HMMPHH! She really IS all you people care about!

(As the light hits the column, it starts to shakeand crumble)

Impthy: It's collapsing!

Nabootena: WE'RE GONNA DIE!

(The two of them clutch each other and scream)

Giki: IMPTHY! NABOOTENA!

Louga: They're gonna fall down and die!

Zuri: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!?

Rutanami: HEY! Why aren't you paying attention to ME!? I'm the one who just got defeated!

Dakio: WHO CARES IF THEY FALL?! JUST STAY AWAY FROM THAT CASTLE!

(The light from the castle gets brighter and brighter, and all of a sudden there is a flash of light like something shooting out of the castle)

Nabootena: What the...

(Suddenly, the silhouette of a figure in prince clothes descends. He seems to "merge" with Nabooru and suddenly, she sweeps Impa off her feet and jumps, glowing white)

Nabootena: (voice sounding weird) Hang on!

Impthy: NABOOTENAAAAAAAAA!

(Strangely, however, they don't fall and die. They remain floating in the air for a few seconds.)

Impthy: Nabootena! What's... what's happening to you?

Nabootena: (in a man's voice, soothingly) Little princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older...

Impthy: NABOOTENA?

Nabootena: (holds up her hand) Someday, princess... Someday, this ring will lead you to me...

Impthy: (clutches her head) That's it! I'm switching to a non-aspirin pain pill!

(Ok, NOW they fall and die. All right, they don't die, but the two of them drop like rocks)

Impthy: AIIEEEEEEE!

Nabootena: (still in a man's voice) Hold on, princess!

Student Council: (gasp) THEY'RE FALLING!

Dakio: (genuinely terrified) The light... don't let it touch me!

Zuri: QUICK, push Rauonjii underneath them! They'll bounce too!

Louga: There's not enough time for that! They're gonna hit the roof!

Giki: MY BELOVED! And THE OTHER GIRL TOO!

(Impa squints her eyes shut and prays, but Nabooru looks as calm as ever. As they approach the roof of the school, Nabooru move Impa directly over her and grabs her hands. Suddenly...)

WHAM!

(Chunks of shingles go flying, and a cloud of dust raises around the impact site. Ganondorf is wailing like a baby, Zelda and Link are freaking out, and Darunia is cowering on the floor screaming. Ruto is in disbelief)

Giki: Impthy, Nabootena!

Rutanami: THEY HIT THE ROOF?! YESSSS- oh, I mean, OH NO!

Louga: Holy...

Zuri: They're... dead! Both of them are dead! They've gotta be!

Rutanami: (whistling, doing her nails) We lose more Rose Brides that way.

Giki: MY LOOOOOOOVE! (bursts into inconsolable tears)

Dakio: THE CASTLE DIDN'T OPEN, DID IT?!

Louga: I THINK we have a little more to worry about than the castle, Dakio! One of our duelists AND the Rose Bride just feel 1200 feet to their deaths!

Impthy: OWW... MY... CHEST!

Nabootena: (stands up, brushes herself off, still in man's voice and glowing) Woo! Now THAT was a fall!

All: (gasp)

Louga: GHOSTS!

Zuri: (slaps him) There's no such thing! LOOK!

(Nabooru and Impa emerge from the dust cloud, Impa with her glasses broke and her dress ripped, and Nabooru a little bruised, but otherwise all right)

Giki: IMPTHY!

Louga: BUT HOW?!

Zuri: They fell A REALLY LONG WAY!

Rutanami: There's NO WAY! NO WAY could they be alive! But... they are! DARNIT! I mean... oh, good.

Dakio: THE CASTLE! THE CASTLE!

Louga: Will you (slaps him) SHUT UP!?

Giki: What happened?!

Impthy: I landed on Miss Nabootena! She took ALL the fall! I'm perfectly all right, but I don't know how she could be alive! It was like magic!

Giki: Are you sure?

Impthy: I'm positive! Look, she's STILL glowing!

(The white glow fades, and Nabooru collapses onto her knees.)

Louga: Nabootena!

Zuri: What's going on?!

Rauonjii: (stands up slowly, glares at Nabooru)

Giki: What happened up there?

Impthy: I don't know! Some kind of light came from the castle! And... suddenly, she sounded like a man!

Nabootena: Ugh- what happened?

Impthy: I JUST TOLD YOU! You were glowing and you sounded like a man!

(Everyone looks at Impa strangely)

Zuri: That's it. No more aspirin for you.

Rutanami: (crosses arms angrily) HMMPH. First she beats me, now she glows. GREAT.

Dakio: THE CASTLE! DID ANYTHING COME OUT OF IT!?

Impthy: Besides the light, no, Brother Dakio.

Dakio: (sighs in relief)

Rauonjii: DIEEEEEEEE!

Nabootena: Huh?

(Rauru races at her, pointing a sword at her chest.)

Impthy: Rauonjii, NO!

Zuri: You PSYCHO!

Louga: HEY! STOP!

(Link gasps and jumps in front of Nabooru, and is stabbed in the shoulder by Rauru)

Louga: AGH!

Nabootena: (gasps)

Rauonjii: Louga, you fool!

All: RAUONJII!

Rutanami: BIG BROTHER!

Zuri: HEEEEEEYA! (back kicks Rauru in the face, knocking him unconscious)

Louga: MY SHOULDER! MY BEAUTIFUL SHOULDER! MY DELTOIDS! I CAN FEEL THEM... I CAN FEEL THEM DEFLATING! CALL THE PLASTIC SURGEON, QUICKLY!

Nabootena: HOLD STILL, you dweeb! (pulls his head onto her lap) Call the doctor!

Giki: I'll be right back! (races to find a phone!)

Zuri: Hurry up, Giki! He's going unconscious!

Rutanami: OH BIG BROTHER! WAAAA! (kicks Nabooru aside, dropping Link's head on the ground) THIS IS A JOB FOR HIS SISTER!

Nabootena: Not NOW, Rutanami! Holy crap, he's gonna die if you keep dropping him like that!

Louga: Nabootena...

Rutanami and Nabootena: Whaa?

Louga: (dazed, looks at Nabooru) Little Princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please... do not lose... that strength... and want for revenge... as you get... older...

Rutanami: Huh?

Nabootena: (terrified) WHAT DID YOU SAY!?

Louga: Someday, princess... Someday this ring will lead you to me... (passes out)

Dakio: (sighs in relief, pulls out a mirror) Well, at least the castle didn't open...

(They all glare at him, and he shrugs)

Dakio: What?

(Scene: The next day, the elevator scene)

Louga: Shell, chick, egg, die, revolution, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Student Council: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!

(Link is petting Mr. Booboo in a wheelchair, with a large bandage on his shoulder. Ruto is redressing it, and Zelda and Ganondorf are playing cards.)

Zuri: I can't believe that Rauonjii went nuts like that.

Giki: I'm GLAD he was expelled.

Louga: Don't look too much- OW! Watch the flesh wound!

Rutanami: Yes, my darling brother!

Louga: I thought I told you to stop that.

Rutanami: After you almost died, I realized that I could not let you go so easily, my darling brother! I'll never leave your side again!

Louga: (groans) As I was saying, don't look too much into it. I'm writing an appeal to the headmaster to let him back in.

Others: WHAT?!

Giki: You're letting that backstabbing Impthy-thief back into the school? WHY!?

Zuri: He broke HALF the school rules with that crazy stunt!

Rutanami: And he nearly KILLED you, Big Brother!

Louga: Rauonjii's been my best friend for a long time. It wouldn't be right if I didn't try to help him get back in. However, Mr. Dakio informed me that he would see to it personally that Rauonjii never came back.

Zuri: He certainly did freak out when Rauonjii tried to open the castle, didn't he?

Giki: I wonder why.

Zuri: Think about it! Something miraculous happened up in that tower. And it scared the living daylights out of him. It was almost like... he thought something would come out and get him.

Giki: And he said something about Lios, too. Do you know who Lios is?

Zuri: No. But I bet Rauonjii does. Why else would he try to get up in that castle?

Giki: Cause he's out of his mind?

Zuri: Well, there's that too... Go fish.

Giki: DANG!

Rutanami: (pours some peroxide onto a cloth) Big brother, since Dakio said that Rauonjii couldn't come back, does that mean he WON'T come back?

Louga: No, I told Dakio that Rauonjii's family owns a yacht dealership and has their own million-dollar estate. He's begging Rauonjii to come back and be his best friend.

Giki: I hate that guy.

Zuri: Something about him is creepy.

Giki: And he said something to make Nabootena really freak out. She hasn't been herself the last few days.

Louga: (sighs) Hmm... Are you sure that it was him?

Zuri: Whaddya mean?

Louga: Just before I passed out, I said something that I've never said before, ever. It seemed to really scare her.

Giki: What did you say? It wasn't mean, I hope.

Louga: No... Something about a princess and a ring.

Giki: Hmmm...

Louga: (smiles widely) Well, at least if she's freaked out she'll be easy to beat when I duel her next week!

Rutanami: BIG BROTHER, NO! You're still hurt! You'll hurt yourself even worse!

Louga: I don't care. Since I saw what the power from the castle did to Nabootena, I want it even more than ever.

(The other three all sigh)

Louga: And I won't let Nabootena stand in my way... even if she is a hottie...

Rutanami: (slugs him in his bad shoulder)

Louga: AAGH! You're gonna make it get infected! Then I won't be able to duel Nabootena!

Rutanami: (enraged) Don't worry, big brother! THIS oughtta help! (splashes the bottle of peroxide on his shoulder)

Giki: (sighs, then yells over Link's screams of agony) Things are really starting to get weird around here.

Zuri: STARTING?! Have you taken a good look around, you moron? EVERYTHING here is weird!

Giki: (checks watch) That's 5 minutes and 56 seconds since you last called me a moron.

Zuri: (smacks forehead) I give up.

Giki: Well Louga, I don't care if you are the Student Council president. I want Nabootena to win.

Louga: (tears welling up from the peroxide incident) Oh, really. Then prepare to be disappointed! (leaps to his feet, laughs wickedly, then grabs his shoulder in pain) OW!

Rutanami: SIT DOWN! And quit wiggling your bandages! Your stupid cat keeps pawing at them!

Mr. Booboo: REWWOOOERRR! (jumps up and attacks Ruto's face)

Rutanami: AAGGGGH! WHAT, DO I SMELL LIKE FISH OR SOMETHING?! GET IT OFF OF ME! AAGGGH!

Louga: (smiles smugly, twiddles his fingers)

(Scene: the East dorm. Impa comes out of the kitchen with some food for Nabooru)

Impthy: Miss Nabootena, lunch is ready! Nabootena? (looks at Nachu) Where could she be?

Nachu: (points out the window) NACHU! NACHU!

(Outside, Nabooru is sitting on a bench and staring at her ring, then at the dueling tower)

Nabootena: He's such a jerk... but why does he seem so familiar?

(flashback. Darunia rolls over the hood of his car)

Dakio: CIAO! (whump) Oh, CRAP!

Nabootena: But... what about...

Louga's Voice: Little Princess who is so noble and tempermental... Please do not lose that strength and want for revenge as you get older...

Nabootena: LOUGA. He can't be my prince! It's impossible! He couldn't be... Could he?

(She stares at the ring, and the camera zooms in on the Triforce pattern. When the camera zooms out, it's suddenly Link's ring, and he is petting Mr. Booboo and chuckling)

Louga: Heh heh heh heh heh... heh heh heh heh heh...

(He looks out the window at the dueling tower with the castle floating above it, and the camera zooms in on the castle, and fades out)




(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!


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