Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Revolutionary Gerudo Nabooru ❯ Unfulfilled Zuri/Take Care, Miss Rutanami! - (Heck, I'd Kill Her Too) ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: Warning: This chapter, being a parody of the episode "Unfulfilled Juri" contains a single hint of shojo ai, a girl/girl relationship between the characters of Juri (Zelda) and Shiori (Malon).
Let me say this now- I'm not really a huge fan of shonen/shojo ai, and I'm not a fan of the Zelda/Malon pairing. But for the sake of accuracy [Lord only knows how I've mutilated the storyline thus far...] I will leave that hint in. It ONLY has to do with the fact that Zelda and Malon are playing those parts. I'm not a homophobe- and I'm not a sicko, either. That's just the way the series is.
Well, just thought I'd say that at the beginning. Oh- Don't worry, the hint is so subtle many of you might not even notice it. I'm just trying to avoid getting flamed to death.


Also, this chapter introduces some more characters- Let's hear it for...

Kafei... as Mitsuru (Katsuru)

Mikau, Darmani, and the Deku Scrub Link... as Nanami's admirers (Mikao, Darko, and Dekuko)

Sheik... as Ruka (Sheika)

Honey- as H-ko

Darling- as D-ko

(And this one was in the first chapter, but she never appeared, so I'll say it again:

Malon... as Shiori (Malori)


(The theme song begins. All characters appear on a stage and start randomly shaking their butts)

She's a Sage who lives heroically and big pants are her style!
(Really big pink pants!)
This is what happens when you badly mix up game and anime!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

Zelda was this ultra popular video game series
For systems by Nintendo
A great fantasy RPG-thing
All about this weird place called Hyrule

And Utena's an awesome anime
About a girl who wears a boy's uniform
And fights to possess this soulless girl
Who has to do whatever someone tells her to!
(INCLUDING GROSS THINGS!)

So I messed it up, So I screwed it up
I mixed both them all up
And now you cannot even tell
Which is which!
Let's see if anyone can understand a word of this fic!
I don't think so!
I screwed it up too bad!

So who is the prince? Who is the prince? I can't tell you quite yet!
But I'll tell you something; you'll know it! BY THE END!
So enjoy this fic about sword fights at school and evil-monkey-mice things!
She's Nabooru! Chick of the Revolution!

(GG runs across the screen with a posterboard that has the episode name scratched out on it.)

UNFULFILLED ZURI! Including TAKE CARE, MISS RUTANAMI- Part One

(Scene: The elevator thing again... oh no...)

Louga: If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick, and the world is our egg. I, however, am more concerned with the fact that it is disputable if eggs are good for your health. On the one side we have the whites, with protein and valuable vitamins and minerals for overall good health. On the other side, we have the yolks- laden with cholesterol and fat... So are they really good for you or not?

Student Council: (voices) FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE AMERICAN DIET!

(Scene: The Student Council tower. Ganondorf is standing against a wall, and Link is throwing knives at him. Zelda sits boredly at a table.)

Louga: Tell me again, Giki... why did you give up so easily against Nabootena?

Giki: (checks watch) That's 5.7 hours since someone else asked me... Easy. I had a cramp in my leg. Oh, and... (a knife sticks to the wall right above his head) YEOW! Watch it, Louga!

Louga: Oh, sorry. And...?

Giki: I realized that if I truly wanted to set Impthy free, I would have to leave her in Nabootena's capable hands.

Zuri: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Giki: What? (another knife almost skewers his arm) HEY! Louga!

Louga: Oops. I need to work on my accuracy.

Zuri: You heard me. You actually believe that the winner of the duels will receive the power to revolutionize the world?

Giki: Certainly.

Louga: Of course.

Zuri: That's a load of crap. It's so stupid, to believe in dumb things like that.

Giki: It is not!

Louga: End of the World says so!

Zuri: YOU GUYS! Will you listen to me for a second? Think about it... End of the World decides what we're going to wear... what we do in our free time... he tells us what to read, how to act, and what to think... This whole academy is just a cover for a religious cult!

Louga: Shut up! End of the World might hear you! (bows down to no one) I am sorry, great and fearless leader...

Giki: (stares at Link, rolls eyes) Not that I care what End of the World thinks, I believe there really is something magic up in that castle. And Nabootena will set it free!

Louga: Puh. Yeah right. You really don't believe it, Zuri?

Zuri: I really don't. I don't believe in miracles. There's no such thing.

Giki: That's a shame, Zuri. (checks watch) It's been 3 days since you last told us that you don't believe in miracles.

Zuri: Put the stopwatch away before I KILL you.

Giki: Yes, ma'am! (does so)

Louga: But then why do you fight in the duels?

Zuri: I like dueling. And besides, you make me, Louga.

Louga: Oh yeah, right. Well anyway, you're up to fight Nabootena.

Zuri: I AM? Aw, man. Well, I may as well get it over with soon. When's the duel?

Louga: Saturday at 12.

Zuri: OK, got it. Now if you'll excuse me, boys, I'm off to go to class. (grabs her bags, and leaves)

Louga: (picks up knife, waves at Zelda) Bye, Zuri! (knife slips out of his hands and flies towards Ganondorf)

Giki: YAAAIEEEEEE! OW! OWIE WOWIE!

Louga: Uh... oops... sorry about that, Giki.

(Scene: Zelda is walking down the hall, when she bonks into someone)

Zuri: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're... (gasps)

Malori: Hello, Zuri.

(It's Malon. A-duuuh.)

Zuri: Oh... hi... Malori... How are you?

Malori: Just fine. I just got back from seeing Sheika...

Sound FX: BADUM!

Zuri: (gasps, hands shake) Oh... is that so?

Malori: That's right. Well, I'd better be going now... I'm off to go see Sheika again... BAH HAH HA!

(Malon skips off merrily, Zelda clutches her books and stomps off down the hall)

Zuri: (muttering) Stupid harlot... Walking around like she owns the- YAH!

(Zelda crashes into someone ELSE.)

Zuri: HEY, I SAID WATCH WHERE YOU'RE...

Nabootena: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bonk into you!

Zuri: WATCH IT!

Nabootena: Wait a minute... You're Zuri, aren't you? The Student Council Treasurer?

Zuri: Uh, yeah, so what?

Nabootena: Wow, I finally meet you! Everyone's told me how excellent of a duelist you are! I heard that only Louga can beat you!

Zuri: Uh, yeah, so what?

Nabootena: I also heard that you're one of the crankiest people in the school. All the students are afraid to get on your bad side. I've heard that even teachers are afraid of you. Someone told me that if you were to get mad at a teacher, they'd quit rather than face your wrath!

Zuri: Oh... is that so?

Nabootena: Yep! Well anyway, it's great to meet you. I'm Nabootena Gerudo.

Sound FX: BADUM!

Zuri: You... YOU'RE Nabootena Gerudo?

Nabootena: Yep, that's me. Why?

Zuri: Because I had no idea how annoying you were.

Nabootena: (surprised) Wow, OUCH! It's the famous Zuri's temper! They were right, you really are scary!

Zuri: Who said I was scary? I'LL KILL THEM!

Nabootena: Oh, I'm sorry... it's not very nice of me to say that to your face. I'd better get back to what I was doing anyway.

Zuri: Wait- Aren't you the dueling champion? Where's the Rose Bride?

Nabootena: Oh, ya mean Impthy? She's back in our dorm waiting for me.

Zuri: Waiting for you for what?

Nabootena: Today I'm teaching Impthy how to glomp people so that when she's a normal girl again she won't be behind the rest of the girls at this school.

Zuri: Normal girl? Whaaa?

Nabootena: You haven't heard? I thought Giki would have told you guys. I'm going to turn Impthy back into a normal girl. It's not fair that she has to be the Rose Bride.

Zuri: And HOW do you figure you'll do that?

Nabootena: Oh, a lot of dueling, a lot of patience, and maybe a miracle or two.

Zuri: (vein pops out of forehead, trying not to show her anger) Oh... a miracle... how sweet...

Nabootena: And besides that, I'm just getting ready for the next duel. Do you know who's up, by chance?

Zuri: (clenches fist angrily) No... No I don't.

Nabootena: Oh. Well, I guess we'll have to see then! See you in class, Zuri.

(Nabooru skips off happily, and Zelda clenches her fist even tighter.)

Zuri: Stupid, stupid Nabootena... thinking SHE'S so special... little creep... I hope she gets clobbered in the duel...

(Zelda is walking some more, and she bonks into someone else)

Zuri: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH WITH-

Sheika: Zuri?

(Zelda has run into Sheik. They both blush awkwardly [though with Sheik it's hard to tell] and Sheik turns away)

Sheika: Um, I'm sorry... (runs off)

Zuri: (clenching fist, knuckles are white, absolutely steamed) You know what... I think I'll just stay in my room today... (stomps off to her dorm)

(Scene: Nabooru and Impa's dorm. Impa is cleaning things up, and Nabooru is trying to do her homework.)

Nabootena: Impthy... what's the matter with Zuri?

Impthy: Hmm?

Nabootena: You know, Zuri. The Student Council Treasurer. I ran into her in the hallway today, and she seemed like she was ready to murder someone.

Impthy: I'm afraid I don't know, Nabootena. I've only been engaged to her once or twice.

Nabootena: (shakes head, smiling)

Impthy: What?

Nabootena: Man, I feel sorry for the poor sap who read that last line and just started reading the story... He or she is going to be EXTREMELY confused... heh heh...

Impa: (out of character) Nabooru, could we be focused, PLEASE?

Nabooru: Sorry, but that's funny! OK, OK... (clears throat, back in character) That's strange. I haven't done anything to make her mad, I hope. I've heard she's a real (makes cat screeching noise).

Nachu: (crawls out from under table, looking very sickeningly cute) NACHU! NACHU!

Nabootena: Oh hello Nachu! Are you helping Impthy clean?

Impthy: He's actually messing up things more...

Nachu: NACHU! NA- (Navi pulls off the Nachu mask) HOLY FREAKIN' COW, IT IS HOT IN THAT SUIT!

(Nabooru and Impa throw her looks of anger)

Navi: Oh... we're filming, aren't we?

(Nabooru and Impa nod)

Navi: Sorry... (slips mask on again) NACHU! NACHU! (grabs Nabooru's pencil and bites it in half, eating one half and picking his teeth with the other.)

Nabootena: Now I need a new pencil...

Impthy: (giggles)

(Unbeknownst to Impa and Nabooru but beknownst to us, Ruto is watching from outside the window and hatching an evil scheme to take down Nabooru.)

Rutanami: Bah hah hah hah hah... Unbeknownst to you, Impthy and Nabootena, but beknownst to me, I am watching from outside the window... Little do you know, but I am currently hatching an evil scheme to take you down, Nabootena!

(Er... wow, that was redundant.)

Rutanami: NO ONE but NO ONE dates my brother but ME... WAIT! I know exactly how I am going to do it, too! Nabootena wants to be a prince, and she wants to protect damsels in distress... Well, all I've got to do is become a damsel in distress, and Nabootena will want to protect me. That's when I get my lackeys to... FINISH THE JOB! BWAHAHAHAA!

(She watches for a few more minutes)

Rutanami: No, WAIT! I've got it! An even BETTER plan! Instead of Nabootena being my prince... I'll find someone ELSE... Someone small and gullible... Someone who will protect me from distress and do a BETTER job than Nabootena! Then Nabootena will get jealous, and she'll demand that my prince hand me over to her... He will, then I'll go with Nabootena and get my lackeys to FINISH THE JOB! BWAHAHAHAHAA!

(Ruto thinks for a second)

Rutanami: Oh... wait... that plan's even longer than the first one. But I DON'T CARE! I will do it anyway! Now all I need is someone gullible enough to be my prince... Oh who, oh who could I pick...

(The camera shows the roof of the east dorm, right above Ruto. A flowerpot is set innocently on the edge of the roof, and a dark shadow is watching Ruto hatch her scheme. Suddenly, the shadow pushes on the flowerpot ever-so-slightly, and...)

Sound FX: (falling noises) ... POW!

Rutanami: (leaps backwards screaming bloody murder and barely avoiding a flowerpot to the skull) AAGGHHHHHH! HELP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP!

(I guess Ruto is a very good screamer, because not only Impa and Nabooru rush outside, but the entire student body AND Link, who conveniently is in the south dorm only a little ways away)

Impthy: Oh dear! Miss Rutanami!

Nabootena: What happened?

Rutanami: LOUGA?! WHERE IS MY BIG BROTHER?

Louga: What happened?

Giki: Impthy, Nabootena, what's going on? Who screamed?

Rutanami: (sees Link, creeps over to his side and collapses into his arms) OH LINK- er, I mean, OH BIG BROTHER! It was terrible! Someone's tried to kill me! Someone dropped a flowerpot off the roof and tried to kill me! It was YOU, Nabootena! Wasn't it?

Nabootena: ME? Don't be ridiculous, Rutanami! I was inside with Impthy!

Impthy: That's right! Nabootena is innocent, Mr. Louga!

Louga: I believe you Nabootena, don't worry. Rutanami, are you SURE that someone is trying to kill you?

Rutanami: I'm positive, Big Brother! Someone is trying to do your little sister in! Oh, Big Brother, this means I must sleep in your room tonight...

Louga: (eyes pop out) Dear Lord, NO!

Rutanami: But Big Brother, what if the killer tries to get me?

Louga: Ruto- I mean, Rutanami, you big dummy! It could have been an accident.

Rutanami: But... Big Brother...

Louga: Just never mind, everyone! Go back to class, she's fine!

(Everyone groans and heads back in to their classes, including Link himself)

Nabootena: Sorry about that, Rutanami.

Rutanami: You... you're trying to kill me...

Impthy: Don't be silly, Miss Rutanami. She was inside with me.

Giki: Are you going to be OK?

Rutanami: I'll be FINE, GIKI. (she stomps off angrily, in search of her prince)

Giki: (shakes head) MAN, I feel sorry for Louga. His sister's an absolute psycho. And she always has been.

Nabootena: You just noticed that?

Giki: No way. It says so in the ending theme song.

Impthy: Well now that you're here Giki, would you like to come in for some tea or curry?

Giki: Why yes, yes I would! (skips merrily inside)

(Scene: Zelda's room. She's sitting on the bed, holding her locket in one hand and a picture frame in the other)

Zuri: (talking to herself blankly) I hate you... I hate you, Malori. We were so happy, and then you had to steal him away from me...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/ FLASH BACK! FLASH BACK! \/\/\/\/\/\/\
(doodlydoopdoodlydoopdoodlydoopdoodlydoopdoodlydoop...)

(Scene: A fancy restaurant. Zelda is sitting with Sheik, and they are eating spaghetti and making goo-goo eyes at each other. Malon watches from the corner, frowning)

Malori: (voice echoing in background) You two always looked so happy together. And we were best friends too, Zuri. But I couldn't stand watching you two. The more I saw of you and him, the sicker I felt...

(The scene changes to Zelda standing against a blank wall with Malon on one side of her and Sheik on the other.)

Malori: You were my best friend. I know that. But you had something that I wanted. So I did what people do. I took him away from you. I told him bad things about you and took him away.

(Malon is holding one end of a tin-can telephone and Sheik is holding the other, listening to her talking. Zelda is now sitting in a chair in between them, as if nothing's going on)

Malori: You must hate me for what I've done. I don't care.

(Malon and Sheik make out over Zelda's chair, while Malon covers Zelda's eyes. Finally, the two of them just fall over on the floor making out, Zelda sees, and starts screaming angrily)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Zuri: I hate you, Malori. I hate you, Sheika. I hate you both.

@-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->----- @-->-----
COVER THE EYES OF THE YOUNG ONES! IT'S THE SHADOW PLAY SCENE!

(The shadow play studio... 0_0 The shadow dudes are hopping around crazily, and seem to be playing a soap opera scene)

T-ko: Oh John! I'm carrying your father's uncle's nephew's brother's daughter's son's former roommate's child! Kooloo Limpah!

G-ko: WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?

T-ko: I said...

G-ko: But YOU'RE A MAN! YOU'RE A MAN!

T-ko: No I'm not! At least, I don't think so... I'm confused!

S-ko: These soap operas are so complicated...

M-ko: If you miss one, you'll be lost for weeks!

H-ko: Darling!

D-ko: Honey!

H-ko: I'm sorry, Darling! But I'm going to have my spleen removed tomorrow!

D-ko: No! They can have my spleen! Save yours!

H-ko: I will not save my spleen! I am going to give it to you!

D-ko: Oh Honey!

H-ko: Darling!

S-ko: Does anyone know what's going on?

M-ko: DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU KNOW, DO YOU REALLY, REALLY KNOW?

@-->-----@-->-----@-->-----@-->-----@-->-----@-->-----
YOU CAN LOOK NOW; IT'S OVER...

(Scene: Ruto is walking around the grounds of the school proudly, when she runs into Impa and Nabooru.)

Impthy: Oh, hello Miss Rutanami! Are you feeling any better?

Rutanami: Better? Oh MUCH, Impthy.

Nabootena: But, aren't you still worried that someone's going to KILL you?

Rutanami: Why should I be, when I have a PRINCE to protect me?

Nabootena and Impthy: (utterly baffled) What?

Nabootena: A prince... where did you get a prince? (thinking) Could this prince... be my prince?

Rutanami: You heard me right! I've got a PRINCE, Nabootena! Ha ha! You spend all your time trying to be a prince, and I've already got one!

Nabootena: Who is it?

Rutanami: Oh, KATSUUUURUUUU...

(Kafei steps out from behind Ruto, only... he's a little kid 0_0. He's carrying all of her books and looking around fiercely.)

Katsuru: Hello, Miss Nabootena! I'm Rutanami's prince, Katsuru! Aren't you JEALOUS?

Nabootena: (sees that Kafei only comes up to her waist, snickers) Um... Katsuru, how old are you?

Katsuru: I'm 9!

Impthy: Oh, how cute!

Katsuru: I AM NOT CUTE! I am a PRINCE! And anyone who tries to hurt Miss Rutanami will get beat up!

Nabootena: By who?

Katsuru: BY MEEEEE!

(Nabooru looks at Impthy, and they both start laughing.)

Katsuru: What's so funny?

Nabootena: OK, Rutanami. Very funny. Now give this little kid his money and let him go home.

Rutanami: MONEY?! I'm not PAYING him! Princes don't accept payment!

Katsuru: And I'm not a little kid! I'm in the 4th grade, thank you very much!

Rutanami: Come on, Katsuru! We don't have to take this! Nabootena is just JEALOUS that someone's beat her to the punch!

(Ruto snaps her fingers, and walks down the hall snottily. Kafei follows, struggling under the weight of her books, and leaving Nabooru and Impa looking very puzzled.)

Rutanami: Can you BELIEVE how jealous Nabootena is, Katsuru?

Katsuru: Oh no, Miss Rutanami, I never figured she'd be that upset!

Rutanami: HA! That will teach her for hitting on my big brother!

(Suddenly, three shadowed figures step out of a dark corridor)

Three Voices: RUTANAMI!

(The shadows disappear to reveal Mikau, Darmani, and Deku Scrub Link, who all have dark blue hair and geeky glasses. They look at Ruto lovingly)

Mikao: Hello, Miss Rutanami!

Darko: What's this we hear about you getting a boyfriend?

Dekuko: We thought that WE were your boyfriends!

Rutanami: You three? No WAY! You guys are total geeks! And Katsuru is not my boyfriend; he is my prince and bodyguard.

Katsuru: That's right! So don't you give Miss Rutanami any of your crap!

All Three: (look at Kafei, raise their eyebrows) THIS is who you've picked to replace us?

Mikao: Very funny, Miss Rutanami.

Darko: We could take this kid down in seconds!

Dekuko: HA! I could take this kid down in seconds, and I'm two feet shorter than he is.

Rutanami: Katsuru, they're bothering me.

Katsuru: Yes, Ma'am! (throws down Ruto's books, takes a fighting stance) Come on you, chickens! I can take you!

(Mikau, Darmani and Deku Link give each other puzzled looks, shrug, and leap at Kafei, beating him to a pulp)

Rutanami: (watching intently) YOU CAN DO IT, KATSURU! Kick their shiny Zora, Goron, and Deku butts!

Katsuru: AAGGGH- MISS RUTANAMI, HELP!

(Five minutes later, Ruto is applying bandages to Kafei's extensive wounds)

Rutanami: Well, you tried.

Katsuru: Ow...

Rutanami: And that's all that matters! You showed those jerks that you really are my prince!

Katsuru: Ow...

Rutanami: Quit saying "Ow", you little baby. What kind of message is that giving to people who think you're my prince?

Katsuru: I think I've ruptured my spleen.

Rutanami: Oh, don't worry. If you pass out, THEN you've ruptured your spleen.

Katsuru: And I knocked out 6 teeth.

Rutanami: Not to worry. You're only 9 years old, most of them were probably baby teeth. Now come on! Grab yer nuts and act like a man! Show the world that you are my true prince and carry my science textbooks!

Katsuru: Yes, Miss Rutanami! (grabs all of her books, follows her down the hallway)

(Scene: The grounds of the castle, nighttime. Zelda is walking around by a fountain, when she sits down on the edge of it and pulls something out of her backpack.)

Zuri: (looking at her class picture) Hmm...

Malori: (voice echoing) I had to take him away from you. It was the thing to do. You had him and I was jealous. So I took him away. You must hate me for what I've done.

Zuri: That's right. I hate you...

(The picture shows Zelda standing next to Sheik, with her arm around his shoulder. On her other side, there is a blank spot where someone's picture has been cut out.)

(Zelda hears footsteps coming towards her. She looks up to see Nabooru on her way back to her dorm)

Nabootena: (humming the theme song) OH! Hi, Zuri! How are you doing?

Zuri: Why do you care?

Nabootena: Sorry, I was just worried that I'd said something to upset you the other day.

Zuri: No. I was just in a bad mood.

Nabootena: Oh. Mind if I sit down for a minute? I'm really tired...

(Without waiting for Zelda to answer, she sits down next to her, studying the Triforce signet ring on her finger)

Nabootena: You're a duelist too, right?

Zuri: The whole student council is. You're the only one outside the council with a ring.

Nabootena: Where did you get your ring?

Zuri: When I got elected into the council, Louga gave it to me. Stupid thing. The only point I see in dueling is practice for the fencing club. So where did you get your ring?

Nabootena: My prince gave it to me.

Zuri: Who?

Nabootena: My prince. When I was real little, a band of thieves killed my mother and father. I chased after them on horseback, beat them with sticks and cut off all of their protruding organs.

Zuri: (eyes widen) And people say I have a bad temper!

Nabootena: When I got back home, I buried them... I was really sad. In fact, so sad I wanted to just lay down in a coffin and die right with them. That's when he came. He found me crying by their graves, and he comforted me and gave me this ring. He told me that it would help me find him someday... that's how I found this academy. Its symbol is the Triforce- just like my ring.

Zuri: Cool, I guess.

Nabootena: (looks at the sky) Hmm... I wonder if I'll ever find him. Becoming a duelist has changed everything. And something tells me that if I keep on dueling, I'll find him.

Zuri: It's a big world, and there's probably thousands of people who could claim to be him. You honestly think you can find him?

Nabootena: Yes, I do. I think that if I can win all the duels and receive the power to revolutionize the world: that will be the miracle I need to set my prince free... wherever he is...

Zuri: Miracle?

Nabootena: Yeah. The miracle that will set him free, and that will also free Impthy from that awful curse. I'm sure I can do it!

(For no apparent reason, Zelda leaps up, grabs Nabooru by the throat, and start screaming wildly)

Zuri: MIRACLES?! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS?!?? THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!

Nabootena: OW! Zuri, what-

Zuri: (REALLY pissed off) I used to believe in miracles too! I used to believe that a miracle would keep us together, and a miracle would let us be friends forever! I knew she wasn't the person I thought she was, but a miracle would let us keep on being friends! BUT NOOOOOOO! MALORI THE EVIL WENCH OF HELL HAD TO STEAL HIM!

Nabootena: Zuri! What are you talking about?

Zuri: MIRACLES! THERE ARE NO MIRACLES! AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! THERE IS NO MIRACLE, THERE IS NO PRINCE, AND THERE IS NO END OF THE WORLD!

Nabootena: (digging in her pocket) Zuri, calm down!

Zuri: I'M NOT GONNA CALM DOWN, NABOOTENA, MISS PERFECT! Do you really think that you're so special, and that YOU can make miracles?! HA! You're an idiot, if you believe that! I'm going to take Impthy from you and prove that you're just as special as the rest of us! Not special at all!

Nabootena: (digging even more frantically) Zuri! You want to duel me?

Zuri: That's right! I want to duel you, you stupid idiot! And I'll prove that you're nothing! NOTHING! You're just another face in the crowd, just another Jane or Mary, just another sucker! You don't have the power to revolutionize the world, Nabootena! NO ONE DOES! BECAUSE MIRACLES ARE IMPOSSIBLE! THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES! (starts shaking Nabooru by the collar)

Nabootena: (pulls something out of her pocket) MACE! (sprays Zelda in the face)

Zuri: (gets mace sprayed in her eyes) AGGGH! (drops Nabooru)

Nabootena: Zuri, you're psycho! Fine, I'll duel you! This Saturday at 12! (runs off) I CAN be a prince! And I'll prove it!

Zuri: GET BACK HERE, YOU WEENIE! GAAAAH!

(Scene: The elevator to the Student Council tower)

Louga: (voice) If it cannot break its shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick, even though only one of the Student Council members is actually a chick. Female speaking, that is. And that's such a dated, stupid name... Where did anyone get the name "Chick" for a girl after all? It's so stupid! They aren't yellow and fuzzy! They don't eat chicken food and go "Peep peep!" Even though it'd be kinda cool if they did...

Student Council Voices: LOUGA, YOU NEED COUNSELING.

(At the top of the tower, Zelda is angrily slashing up a dummy made to look like Nabooru with her sword. Link and Ganondorf watch warily.)

Louga: Zuri...

Zuri: HIYA! HAAAI! HO! HA! TAKE THAT!

Giki: Um... (whispers to Link) I think she's lost it.

Zuri: HO! HA! TOOOOOOCHA! WAAA!

Louga: She just cut off Nabootena's head.

Giki: And now she's on the ground ripping out the stuffing with her teeth.

Louga: And setting it on fire.

Giki: Wow, I've never seen Zuri that upset before. At least... (checks watch) not in an hour a 56 minutes.

Louga: You should have seen her after she lost the fencing match against Rauonjii last year.

Giki: Really? What did she do?

Louga: Well... let's just say that Rauonjii doesn't have a full head of hair anymore.

Giki: She shaved his head with a sword?

Louga: His scalp, actually. It wasn't pretty.

Giki: (eyes widen, watches in amazement as Zelda starts stomping on the Nabooru dummy, slicing it into pieces with her sword, and throwing the charred bits off the tower) Wow... I wonder if Nabootena knows that Zuri is this mad at her... (runs off)

Louga: Hmm.

Zuri: Louga, can I borrow your car?

Louga: Yeah, it's conveniently parked at the top of the tower, right over there. Why?

(Zelda throws the remains of the Nabooru dummy over the side of the tower, jumps in Link's green Porsche, starts it up, and drives towards the edge)

Louga: Zuri... what are you... AAAAAAAGGGH!

(Zelda leaps out of the car just as it tumbles over the edge of the tower, smashing the dummy below into mush.)

Louga: MY CAAAAR!

Zuri: (panting in rage, clenching fist) I NEED MORE THINGS TO BREAK...

Louga: YOU OUTTA-YOUR-MIND-CRAZY-PERSON! YOU TOTALED MY CAR!

Zuri: I SAID MORE THINGS TO BREAK! NOW!

Louga: (cowers) OK, OK! There's a sledgehammer in the closet... Malori's car is that reddish-purple convertible down in the parking lot!

Zuri: (grins wickedly, grabs sledgehammer and runs towards the elevator)

Louga: (surveys the damage to the tower) Well THAT was a rather productive meeting... DESTRUCTIVE, that is.

(Scene: Nabooru and Impa's dorm. Ganondorf is there, warning the girls about Zelda.)

Giki: You should see her, Nabootena! She is PISSED! She might try to kill you!

Nabootena: Hmmm...

Impthy: Oh my goodness... All of this is because of me. I'm so sorry, Nabootena!

Nabootena: I doubt Zuri will actually try to kill me. But still... she's a pretty good duelist. I don't know if I can beat her.

Giki: But you have to, Nabootena! If you don't, then Impthy...

Impthy: Then I'll...

Nabootena: Yeah, I know...

Giki: Impthy will be a slave again. (looks at her lovingly) And we can't have that...

Impthy: I will be the Rose Bride again... I don't want to be the Rose Bride, I just want to be normal!

Giki: (eyes turn into big hearts) Yeah... a normal... loving... girl... (leans in for a kiss)

Impthy: Um... (stares at Ganondorf) Nabootena...

Nabootena: Right. GIKI! (slaps him) Down, horn-boy. I don't want you getting suspended.

Giki: (looks stunned) Oh yeah... right...

Nabootena: Well, it's too late to turn down the duel now... I'll just have to go, and hope for a miracle.

Impthy: Miracles got you into this mess, didn't they?

Nabootena: Yeah... and the fact that Zuri needs to take some Midol. Giki, why is Zuri so uptight, anyway? She was yelling at me about something with a friend- I don't know.

Giki: Oh. She was probably talking about Sheika and Malori.

Nabootena: Who?

Giki: Sheika is Zuri's old boyfriend. And Malori was Zuri's best friend. They were all friends, actually. Until...

Impthy: Until what?

Giki: Malori got jealous of Zuri... and she told Sheika AWFUL things about Zuri. So Sheika dumped her and started dating Malori instead.

Nabootena: That's terrible!

Giki: Now she hates both of them. Poor thing, all she really wants is some... (stares at Impa) Love...

Impthy: No wonder she's so angry all the time.

Giki: Yeah... angry...unforgiving... untrusting... unloved... (moves in for a kiss)

Impthy: Nabootena...

Nabootena: (slaps Ganondorf) Cut it out!

Giki: OW! Oh... sorry.

(Suddenly, from outside they hear screaming)

Random Delivery Guy: GET OUT OF THE WAY! THERE'S A STAMPEDING GROUP OF HORSES LOOSE ON THE GROUNDS! A STAMPEDE OF HORSES HAS BROKEN LOOSE!

Nabootena: Huh?

(Outside, Ruto and Kafei are walking through the courtyard by the East Dorm, when suddenly, a huge, thundering group of horses appears at the far end, racing right towards them)

Rutanami: Hurry up, Katsuru! I don't have all the time in the- (sees horses heading right for her) AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH! KATSURU, HELP! THOSE HORSES ARE GOING TO SQUASH ME!

Katsuru: Miss Rutanami! MOVE! (leaps at her, pushing her out of the way just as the horses pound him flat into the ground)

Nabootena: Oh my gosh! KATSURU! He just got flattened by those horses!

Impthy: Oh no!

Giki: Horses? Whaaaat? Where did HORSES come from?

(The three of them race outside in time to see the horses turn around and head the other direction)

Rutanami: OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWD- They're still at it! They're STILL trying to kill me! BIG BROTHER! SOMEONE'S TRIED TO KILL ME AGAIN! I just BARELY missed all those horses! AND I BROKE A NAIL, TOO! WAAAAAAA!

Nabootena: (runs over to Kafei's flattened, very badly injured form) Holy crap- Katsuru! Are you all right? Impthy, call the doctor!

Impthy: Yes, Nabootena!

Nabootena: Katsuru! Speak to me!

Katsuru: mmhmmgmgphhh...

Nabootena: What?

Katsuru: IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARYYYYYYYYYY! TO THE SWEETEST GIRL I KNOWWWWW!

(A rush of students comes out of the school, and Link pushes his way through)

Louga: What's happened now?!

Rutanami: Oh, big brother! Someone's tried to kill me AGAIN! And if it weren't for Katsuru, I'd be dead!

Louga: Who?

Rutanami: Katsuru! My prince!

Louga: RUTANAMI! What are you- Holy cow- what happened to that poor little kid?!

Nabootena: He got flattened by all those horses.

Louga: Oh man!

Rutanami: And I broke a nail, big brother! What am I supposed to do, I'm a woman with a broken nail and a stalker after her! What am I...

Louga: Will you move? I've got to get to Nabootena and see if Katsuru's all right.

Rutanami: But big brother...

Katsuru: (stands up, looking very battered) I'm... OK! You're welcome, Miss Rutanami... Tha's my job! Protecting my princess! Ugh... (falls over unconscious)

Louga: What is he talking about, Rutanami?

Rutanami: I hired him to protect me, since someone's out to kill me, big brother!

Louga: RUTANAMI!? How could you be so selfish? You're forcing this poor little kid to take falls for you? I'm VERY disappointed in you, Rutanami!

Rutanami: But-

Louga: Not now! This kid needs some serious medical attention. Oh, what a day... first Zuri totals my car, now this!

Nabootena: He's still alive- I think he's just been squashed.

Louga: OK... Is someone calling a doctor?

Nabootena: Yeah, Impthy went.

Louga: OK. Giki, go get an ice pack. Nabootena, you and I will keep an eye on him until the ambulance shows up.

Rutanami: Big brother-

Louga: GO AWAY, Rutanami! Haven't you hurt this kid enough?

Rutanami: (stomps off on her own) STUPID EEEH! How could Louga be ignoring me NOW?! I was almost killed! It's that temptress Nabootena! It's her tube top and her puffy pants! YOU'LL PAY FOR TEMPTING MY BIG BROTHER, NABOOTENA! I'll just have to put my plan into even FURTHER effect... Once Katsuru gets out of his coma, I'll be SURE to win my brother's heart!

(About 10 minutes later, an ambulance drives away with Kafei inside. The students start to disperse.)

Nabootena: How terrible. Poor little guy...

Giki: He's going to be all right, though. That's good.

Impthy: Hey, why don't I head inside and make some lunch?

Nabootena: Good idea. Louga, would you like to have lunch with us?

(Ruto, hiding in a bush nearby, nearly has a heart attack)

Louga: No thanks, Nabootena. I have to go study for a test. Oh wait, Impthy! Could I speak with you for a moment?

Impthy: Certainly. I'll be there in a minute, you two.

(Nabooru and Ganondorf head into the dorm, and Link pulls Impa aside for a little talk. Ruto listens carefully from behind a bush)

Louga: How's the plan coming?

Impthy: It seems to be working, Mr. Louga. They have no idea that they're about to die.

Rutanami: (thinking) DIE?!?! WHO'S GONNA DIE?

Louga: Well, we'd better hurry up and finish the job or they'll suspect something. How did it go today?

Impthy: I just missed them with my Stampede.

Rutanami: (thinking) STAMPEDE?!?! HOLY CRAP!

Louga: Darn... well, try again tomorrow. And if that doesn't kill them I'll do it one night.

Impthy: But I feel kind of bad about killing them, Mr. Louga. After all, they-

Louga: I know, I know. But they're getting closer to me- A little too close. We'll try again tomorrow, and if we don't kill them then, we'll hire a professional.

Impthy: Of course, Mr. Louga. (heads inside, and Link walks off)

Rutanami: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! MY BROTHER! My own brother is working with that HARLOT Impthy to kill me! My own brother... This means that Nabootena must be getting to him! I'll have to keep Katsuru VERY close to me from now on! It started as just a plot to get my brother's heart, but that little dope may actually have to protect me now!

(She paces back and forth worriedly)

Rutanami: Hmm... but not to worry. All I have to do is humiliate Nabootena just as I planned, and my dear big brother will change his mind about killing me! HAHAHAHHAAA! (looks around to make sure the coast is clear) Even so, I'd better watch out...

(The bush rustles)

Rutanami: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (runs away, terrified)

Bucky the Evil Squirrel: (pops out of the bush wearing camouflage make-up.) ~~I WILL HAVE THAT WATCH... OH YES, I WILL HAVE THAT WATCH! BAAHAHAHAHAHA!~~

(Scene: That Saturday at 11:56, Nabooru heads for the dueling arena, and steady beats in the background can only mean one thing: The Really Long and Annoying Weird Song has returned!)

Chorus Singers:
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!
REALLY!
LONG AND!
ANNOYING!
WEIRD SONG!

CHIPS AHOY!
VIENNA CREMES!
SAUSAGE FLAKES!
TOAST!
FRENCH FRIES DIPPED IN HONEY!
TIRE JACKS!
AND APPLE JACKS!
APPLE JACKS!

EQUATION!
MATCHBOX 20!
AKIRA SODOU!
BUBBLEGUM!
CARTOON MICE!
RUBBER PANTS!
SHINY THINGS!
SHINY THINGS!

PLEXIGLASS!
AUTOHARP!
SAXOPHONE!
MACARONI!
MP3!
ABC!
123!
123!
MICHAEL JACKSON!
NICKELODEON!
MIRCOSOFT(r) WORD 97 SR-1
COPYRIGHT(c) 1983-1997
MICROSOFT CORPORATION!

(Nabooru reaches the top of the dueling tower, where Zelda is waiting with a sword. Impa is wearing her purple dress and tiara again, and the entire Student Council is watching from the tower. The song speeds up and fades out.)

Chorus Singers:
EVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! EVERLUTION! SUBSITUTION! RESOLUTION! LOOK-AT-YOU-TION! WE-DON'T-MAKE-NO-SENSE-A-TUTION! ... boom.

Zuri: Well, here we are, Nabootena. Today is the day that you'll lose your precious friend Impthy. To ME!

Nabootena: Don't mind me saying this, but you're the scariest person I've ever met.

(Little does Nabooru know, but the character of DAKIO is going to show up next chapter. He makes Zuri look completely normal.)

Zuri: I don't mind at all! Now, HURRY UP, GETCHER SWORD and let me beat you quickly! I can't wait to see you crying!

Nabootena: Impthy, could you come here, please?

(Impa finishes taking her bottle of aspirin, and enters the arena. She pins an orange rose to Nabooru's shirt, and a golden-orange one to Zelda's. She then stands next to Nabooru)

Impthy: The person who loses her rose first loses the duel. Gulp... (Raises hands in air) Triforce of Hyrule Castle... Power of Lios that sleeps within me... Come forth and... obey... your... master... GAAAAAAAAH! (shrieks in agony as a sword handle pops out of her chest) GETITOUTGETITOUT!

(Impa falls over and Nabooru catches her, pulling out the sword)

Nabootena: Give me the power to bring the world revolution! (dramatic sword pose)

Impthy: (crawls off to the side, clutching chest in pain) OWWW... Good luck, Nabootena! OWWW!

Zuri: Now... YOU WILL LOSE! HIYYAAA!

Nabootena: WHOA!

(Zelda attacks ferociously, slashing and swiping her sword and obviously trying to hurt Nabooru, who is doing all she can to dodge.)

Nabootena: ZURI! STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!

Zuri: I'll do what I have to to prove that there-

Nabootena: WHOA!

Zuri: ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!

(From the student council tower)

Louga: (looking through binoculars) Wow- Zuri really is mad. Look at her go! Nabootena doesn't stand a chance!

Rauonjii: BAH! I could beat her.

Giki: Come on, Nabootena! Hold on!

Louga: What was that?

Giki: Er- nothing...

Zuri: GIVE IT UP!

Nabootena: OUCH! (falls onto the ground, struggling to stand up)

Zuri: (walking in dangerously, pointing her sword at Nabootena) Oh dearie dear... would you look at that? The brave, strong, powerful Miss Nabootena... has fallen down! Where are your miracles now, Nabootena?

Nabootena: Gotta stand up- (tries to stand up, but Zelda kicks her down) OUCH!

Impthy: Nabootena! Watch out!

(Nabooru crawls backwards, and is almost to the end of the tower. Zelda is still advancing)

Zuri: How pathetic. For all that tough talk, you really do suck at dueling. (jabs at Nabooru's rose)

Nabootena: (dodges quickly) No need to be rude... the duel's not over yet, Zuri!

Zuri: It's been over, Nabootena. It was over the second you stepped into this arena. I am the fencing champion of the school. Did you honestly think you'd win?

(Back at the student council tower)

Giki: NABOOTENA! DON'T GIVE UP!

Zuri: Say goodbye to Impthy, Nabootena. Because she's coming with me now. And I'm going to show you that miracles really can't happen. Without Impthy, you're NOTHING. No power, no revolution, no nothing! You're nothing but a pathetic dreamer!

Nabootena: (dodges another blow aimed at her rose) I am not!

Zuri: And Impthy will be a slave again! She'll be the Rose Bride FOREVER!

Impthy: Nabootena! Please, don't lose!

Nabootena: I can't lose! Impthy!

Impthy: Nabootena!

Nabootena: Giki!

Giki: Impthy!

Impthy: Giki!

Giki: Nabootena!

Nabootena: Zuri!

Zuri: Nabootena!

Nabootena: Impthy!

Impthy: Zuri!

Zuri: Nabootena!

Nabootena: Zuri!

Zuri: IMPTHY!

Impthy: Giki!

Giki: Louga!

Louga: Rutanami!

Rutanami: (pops in out of nowhere, as a sprinkler almost sprays her) KATSURU!

Katsuru: (steps in the way of the sprinkler, water spraying in his mouth) Rutanami!

Rutanami: LOUGA!

Louga: Burt Bacharach!

Burt Bacharach: Zuri!

Zuri: SHEIKA!

Sheika: (echoy, as if in a memory) Zuri!

Zuri: MALORI!

Malori: (ditto) Zuri!

Zuri: Impthy!

Impthy: Nachu!

Nachu: NACHU! GIKI!

Giki: President Bush!

President Bush: (pops in out of nowhere) Louga!

Louga: Rauonjii!

Rauonjii: Impthy!

Impthy: ZURI!

Zuri: NABOOTENA! Time to LOSE!

Nabootena: I don't think so! (jabs at Zelda's rose with her sword)

(Zelda laughs and knocks Nabooru's sword out of her hand and straight up into the air)

Nabootena: (gasps)

Impthy: (gasps, claps hand over chest, then screams in pain) OUCH!

Giki: NO!

Zuri: Oops- and there goes your sword. You're defenseless. There's nothing to stop me from taking your rose- (sticks sword right at Nabooru's rose) and sending it flying! You've lost, Nabootena! AAHAHAHAHAHA! And this just proves it!

Nabootena: (watching her sword start to fall down) What does it prove, Zuri?

Zuri: MIRACLES... CANNOT... HAPPEN! THEY ARE LIES! FALSE HOPES! MIRACLES ARE IMPOSSIBLE! BECAUSE IF THERE WERE SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES, YOU WOULD HAVE-

Nabootena: Zuri, look out!

Zuri: What? (stands up straight, just as Nabootena's sword plunges down into the roof less than 3 inches away from her) HEY! That almost impaled me right through the- (looks down at sword, gasps in terror)

Nabootena: ... right through the ROSE?

(Sure enough, Nabooru's sword fell RIGHT THROUGH Zuri's rose, scattering the goldenrod colored petals all over the ground.)

Zuri: NO! It can't be... I can't have lost! It's not fair! It's...

Nabootena: A miracle!

Zuri: NO! NOOOOO! MIRACLES- THEY'RE... THEY- (drops to her knees) They can't! It can't be!

Impthy: The winner is Miss Nabootena! Congratulations! Nice try, Miss Zuri.

Nabootena: Come on, Impthy. I have a feeling that Giki is going to want to hear about this.

Impthy: Coming! (pulls sword out of the roof) And also-

Nabootena: Yeah, yeah, I know. We'll get some Bactene on the way back to the dorm.

Impthy: (sighs, follows Nabooru down the stairs and out of the dueling tower, humming a Burt Bacharach song)

Zuri: (staring at rose petals) No... it wasn't a miracle... but then... how? HOW?! If there really are miracles then... (bursts into tears, buries face in hands)

(Student council tower)

Giki: HA! SHE WON! NABOOTENA WON! AAHAHAHAHAAAA! (does a victory dance)

Rauonjii: Beginner's luck! There's no other excuse for it! PUH. Stupid Nabootena. I could win against her if I tried again.

Louga: (throws down his binoculars) DARN! DARN THE LUCK! You're TOO GOOD, Nabootena! TOO GOOD! But I will still defeat you... there are no other duelists left! It's MY turn, Nabootena... and then we'll see what you can really do! (laughs evilly)

(Scene: Nighttime. Ruto and Kafei are walking through the grounds again. Kafei has a very large neck brace on.)

Rutanami: You did a very good job being my prince today, Katsuru.

Katsuru: Thank you, Miss Rutanami.

Rutanami: And it was so nice of you to leap in the way of that falling ladder!

Katsuru: You're welcome, Miss Rutanami.

Rutanami: (yawns) Oh boy... We'd better get back to our own dorms. Louga will wonder where I've been... Maybe tonight he'll finally decide that he loves me and not that hussy Nabootena!

Katsuru: Certainly, Miss Rutanami. I'll walk you back to your dorm!

(As they walk towards Ruto's dorm, Kafei pushes her out of the way of several piles of goose poop, stepping in the poop as he does. Finally, they reach Ruto's dorm, which she shares with her "brother" Link. We can see him through the window, doing a Tae Bo workout to the music of "Macho Man" by the Village People)

Louga: MACHO, MACHO MAN! I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHOOOO MAN! MACHO, MACHO MAN! I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN!

Rutanami: Well, here it is! Goodnight, Katsuru! I'll expect you back here BRIGHT AND EARLY to carry my books tomorrow! Say... 4:30? I'll be wanting some breakfast too.

Katsuru: Yes, Miss Rutanami!

(She enters the dorm, and we hear her squealing)

Rutanami: OH, BIG BROTHER! Have I ever had a long day! Could you please give me a backrub?

Louga: Not now, Rutanami- I'm getting in shape for my duel with Nabootena.

Rutanami: (great heaving sigh) Stupid Nabootena...

(Kafei walks back through the school grounds, passing Zelda, who is sitting on the edge of a fountain looking at the same school picture as before.)

Zuri: Why... why did you do that to me... a miracle was going to keep us together... but you had to tear us apart...

Malori: (voice echoing) I stole him from you, Zuri. I did it because I was jealous of you. You were together with him, and I couldn't stand seeing you together. So I took him. You must hate me for what I've done...

Zuri: (eyes the blank cut-out spot on the picture) Yes... Yes, it's true, Malori...

(Zelda takes the locket from around her neck and opens it up. Inside is a picture of Malon. More specifically, a picture of Malon that was cut out of the school picture she holds in her hand.)

Zuri: It's very true. I hate you. I hate you, Malori.

(Meanwhile, Kafei stops by a payphone, looks up a number, and inserts a quarter)

Katsuru: (to himself) She STILL won't pay attention to me... this is going to be seriously painful... but I've got to do it if I want to win her heart...

(The phone rings for a moment, and a muffled voice picks up on the other end)

Katsuru: Hello? Wally's Wild Animal Delivery? I need a shipment of 20 dangerous, wild water buffaloes delivered to Farore Academy by tomorrow afternoon. Hmm? Yes, tie them up with very cheap ropes. And make sure that they're in the second floor corridor and running wild at exactly 1:24 PM. Thanks! (he hangs up)

(Kafei dials another number)

Katsuru: Yes, hello? Is this Allison's Big Heavy Flowerpot Shop? I need your largest flowerpot delivered to Farore Academy by 4:53 on Wednesday. Make sure it's placed on the very edge of the highest roof above the west courtyard. Thanks! (he hangs up) Now, one more call to make...

(Kafei dials another number)

Katsuru: Hello, is this Sal's Stalking Service? I need a black car with tinted windows to follow a certain person around every time she leaves Farore Academy. Her name? Rutanami Hyliana...

DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

... TO BE CONTINUED!


(END THEME SONG! END THEME SONG!)

Chorus Singers:
It's missing TRUTH! The truth is gone!
This story's messed up really bad!
If you think that this fan fiction is ba-ad
You should see the anime!
I'm totally not kidding!
THE ANIME'S is JUST WEIRD AND TOTALLY WHACKED!

Nabootena's the lead, she's an all-around nice girl
Who don't like to see women picked on
Impthy's the Rose Bride, without a free will, without pride
Cause some crazy-arse spell is on her
LOUGA IS ALL STRANGE and a bit horny, too
RAUONJII IS A JERK! And he can't get enough junk food
Zuri's melancholy, Malori is real mean
Giki's obsessed with time and shining things!

(DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO!)

Nachu is a monkey-mouse! And he lives in Impthy's house!
Kazoo used to play a harmonica-AAA!
Lios is the missing prince!
Dakio smashes all his cars!
And Saraba... Who can't stop glomping everyone!

All these weirdos in one show!
It's plain kooky, don't ya know
But if you think all these people are weird ones
You just wait until you meet
Weird people all bow at her feet
Wait until... Rutanami comes on the scene!