Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Rip-offs, Act I: Bite Me (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ Chaotic Happenings ( Chapter 12 )

DISCLAIMER: We still don't own anything. But we're waiting for the loan to buy them!

 

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“Kurama's gonna kill me…” Yomi muttered, pushing back his hair as he nervously paced the cabin. He glanced over to Hiei, who had yet to burst back to life like in some sickening fairytale. “Yep. I'm dead. And buried. Dig a hole and drop me in. Goodbye, cruel world!”

 

The poor guy had been going on in this manner for the past half hour. He hadn't yet managed to convince himself to move Hiei's body.

 

“Okay, what are the options here? Cremation or burial?”

 

No reply.

 

“Cremation, I agree…Scatter the ashes over your ship, that would be appropriate…Of course, I'll gave to get my affairs in order before Kurama kills me…” He paused and looked down at Hiei's still form. “Do you want roses or lilies?”

 

Silence.

 

“Wait. What am I saying? I can't bring Kurama a dead Hiei! Let's see…how do I fix this…?” Again, he paused and looked down at Hiei. “Oh, I know, I know! I know how this is supposed to go!” He grimaced and looked at the sky. “Why are you smiting me?” Then, looking back down, he sighed. “You and Kurama had better appreciate this, you little brat.” And with that, he screwed his eyes tightly closed and leaned down to kiss Hiei gently, then pulled away quickly.

 

Nothing happened for a moment, and then a quiet voice, scarcely more than a breath, whispered. “Not…you…”

 

Yomi blinked in surprise, and placed his ear against the small chest. No heartbeat, and Hiei wasn't breathing. Odd…So he tried again, much as he hated to do so. Again, the voice issued from Hiei's mouth, somehow even quieter than before, this time saying, “Only…Kurama.” And again, no heartbeat accompanied the words. Yomi quickly grabbed Hiei's shoulders and shook him, crying, “Oh, fine! But you couldn't tell me about the flowers!” The only response he got? A loud, annoying, degrading raspberry. Yomi dropped his head against Hiei and moaned, “My life is a piece of crap.”

 

“You're tellin' us,” a voice said from the doorway.

 

Yomi jumped and listened hard for a clue to the source of the mocking. “Who are you? And more importantly, how did you find me?”

 

The man—who was, incidentally, Chu—said, “Well, we could smell his decomposition all the way from Florin. Oh, and—uh—oh, yeah…” Chu suddenly straightened and stood to full height. “You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

 

Yomi winced. “No, no, no, that was not at all threatening. It sounded….scripted,” he said with disgust.

 

“Well, actually, the gossip in down is that Kurama's back in Florin palace.” Yomi couldn't see that it was Kuwabara, but in his opinion, the voice sounded stupid. “And we wanted to go and rescue him, but not without the Mask. But…” Kuwabara stumped over and picked up Hiei's arm, then dropped it again, watching sadly as it fell limply back to the ground. “…The mask is dead…”

 

“But luckily,” Chu said, “we found you. So now I get to kill you! Mwahahahaha!”

 

“Okay, first of all—terrible maniacal laugh. Seriously, man, get a drama teacher. Secondly, you'll have to get in line. Kurama's got dibs. `Cause, you see, this—“ He indicated Hiei.

 

“Your fault?” Chu guessed.

 

“Mm-hmm. I sorta killed his man. I was trying to bring him back to Kurama to save him from marrying Karasu so they could live happily ever after, but then he sorta…died. Screwed up the plan in the worst way.”

 

Chu threw up his hands in frustration. “Aw, man, does that mean you've turned over a new leaf? You choose now, just when I've found you? I can't possibly kill you now!”

 

“Hey, did you try a potion?” Kuwabara asked suddenly, still crouched next to Hiei.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Spells?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Necromancy?”

 

“Gross! And Kurama would hate it!”

 

“The kiss of life?”

 

“Twice,” Yomi said tonelessly.

 

“Well, we could always take him to Miracle Yusuke's!”

 

“…Who's miracle Yusuke?”

 

XXX

 

“Keiko?”

 

No answer.

 

“Keiko!”

 

No answer.

 

“KEIKO!”

 

“YA DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT, YA OLD DUMBFART! I'M NOT DEAF!”

 

Miracle Yuusuke raised his eyes to the heavens as he replied. “Where's my eye of newt?”

 

A long moment of silence, and then, “…I ate it.”

 

“WHAT, WOMAN, YOU GOT TIRED OF YOUR OWN COOKING SO YOU DECIDED TO EAT MY NEWTS?!” Yuusuke thundered.

 

“Well, they're good with scrambled eggs!”

 

“…I will never feel comfortable eating anything you give me again.”

 

 

XXX

 

Shura: Why don't they just give him a phoenix down?!

 

Yomi: blinks

 

Shura: Save trouble, I mean.

 

Yomi: Why do you continue to speak?

 

Shura: I'm the sick one here! Remember? My needs?

 

Yomi: makes talking puppet with hand Blah, blah, blah, your needs…

 

Shura: imitates Blah, blah, blah, I'm old.

 

Yomi: grabs the Shura puppet and eats it

 

Shura: That's a dirty sock…

 

Yomi: gets sick and runs to the bathroom

 

Shura: Cool. picks up where Yomi left off in the book

 

XXX

 

Miracle Yuusuke's

 

“Dag nabbit, woman, I need a beer!”

 

“Get your own beer, ya smelly old prune!”

 

“Well, you're not doing anything!”

 

“I'm doing dishes! It's not like your job is so difficult! All you have to do is eat and sleep!”

 

“But it is difficult! Sometimes I sleep too long and miss a meal, or sometimes I eat too much and can't sleep! And sometimes, my butt itches really, really bad!”

 

Keiko lost her temper. “WELL, YA KNOW WHAT? FROM NOW ON, YOU DON'T SO MUCH AS EAT, SLEEP, OR SCRATCH YOUR BUM WITHOUT MY SAY-SO!”

 

“AHH-AH-AH-AH-AH!”

 

CRASH, BANG, THUD.

 

“OW!”

 

“Geez, Kuwabara, have you always weighed this much?”

 

“Um…yes? But that's not very polite, Chu…”

 

“You're right. I apologize, that was rude.”

 

“That's all right.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“GET OFF ME, YOU LOSERS!”

 

“Sorry, Yomi.”

 

“Yeah, sorry.”

 

Yomi let out a frustrated groan as, with difficulty, the group separated themselves. Kuwabara rolled to his feet and leaned over to poke the limp and ragged Hiei. “I think we squashed him…”

 

Chu looked up and saw Keiko then, and poked the other two. “Look…”

 

Yomi and Kuwabara looked at Keiko, and scrambled to their feet. At the same time, all three flung out their arms and said impressively, “WE NEED A MIRACLE!”

 

Keiko looked at each of them, then called flatly, “Yuusuke, it's for you.” Then she stumped over to the kitchen shelves took down a jar labeled Eye of Newt, tucked it under her arm, and turned back to the group. “Tell no one,” she growled, then left the room without another look.

 

A moment later, a man who could only be Yuusuke came into the room with a beer mug in one hand, scratching his large beer gut with the other. “Who're you people?” he asked loudly.

 

Yomi blinked. “This…is him?”

 

“Who?” the old man asked even louder.

 

“He's…old.”

 

“I ain't as old as I look, sonny!”

 

“Really?” Chu asked. “`Cause you look pretty freaking old.”

 

“Chu!” Kuwabara gasped, appalled.

 

“What? I'm sayin'!”

 

“Guys, we have to respect him,” Kuwabara said. “He's the king's miracle worker!”

 

“Well, I was,” Yusuke cut in. “Until the prince's grandfather put me on that Godforsaken spit of land…” He trailed off, muttering to himself.

 

“Wait, what?” Yomi demanded.

 

Yuusuke pondered for a moment. “Who we talkin' about?”

 

“No! No! The island! You were there?!”

 

“Well, yeah, I was there. Let's see, it would be about 60 years ago…” Yuusuke began, sitting in a rocking chair as the party of four minus the dead guy all sat on a rug by Yuusuke's feet.

 

Kuwabara pulled out some popcorn. “Go on.”

 

“So the king…he banishes me to this island, see. No apparent reason. Just happened.”

 

“That's wonderful. Now what really happened?” Yomi asked shrewdly.

 

“Well, okay, so in the twelve seconds we talked beforehand I may have called him one name. Or…nine.” Yuusuke shrugged. “Well, anyway, we're there for God knows how long, just wandering.

 

“And there's seven of us…” He looked suddenly at the three, as if expecting them to say something. “Don't you know what that means? Eh, never mind. What they're teaching you today, I'll never know…well anyways there's seven of us. And then one day, the four of us left after the millionaires and the skipper drop dead…we decide to escape.”

 

“I TOLD YOU TO FIX THE BOAT!”

 

“SHUT UP, WOMAN, I'M TELLING THE STORY!”

 

“Go die.”

 

“Well, anyways, so we set out swimming. Of course, the movie star's the first to go. She insisted on taking all her clothes and got dragged down. Me, Gilligan, and Keiko go on, and we finally make it to land. Keiko and I decide to get married. O' course, it was only after the wedding that I realized what a monster she was!”

 

Keiko's voice shouted, “Biggest mistake of my life!”

 

Kuwabara leaned over to Chu. “They're in love.”

 

“Clearly.”

 

“So what happened to Gilligan?” Yomi asked.

 

“He's the Village Idiot now,” Yuusuke said casually.

 

“But why?”

 

“Well, the island drove him crazy. Kept thinking he saw little blue men, yelling in Scottish.”

 

“What? But that's crazy!” Yomi protested. “Oh, you have a little blue man on your shoulder.”

 

Yuusuke grunted and brushed the thing off, and it ran off with a shout of, “CREVINS!”

 

“Well, anyways, you've been on the island,” Chu said.

 

“Yeah, that was the point of this narrative.”

 

“So you must know how to cure this,” Yomi snapped impatiently.

 

“I might, yeah.”

 

“So tell us, you old dingbat!”

 

“Well, there's only one way—” Yuusuke said, looking satisfied with their show of interest.

 

Eagerly, Yomi, Kuwabara, and Chu leaned forward to listen.

 

XXX

 

So! Meanwhile, Kurama's sitting over here, staring at Karasu, who has just breezed in, tossed Benji and Miguel into the dungeons for annoying him, announced that he'll be marrying Kurama the next day, and broken into a rousing chorus of “It's Raining Men.”

 

But let's begin at the beginning.

 

Koenma, Benji, and Miguel had been playing poker in the dining hall after everyone cleared out from supper. Miguel was surrounded by several small mountains of gold and jewels, and Benji and Kurama were digging in their pockets.

 

“I can't lose another round,” Benji muttered frantically.

 

“You? I've given him everything I have, and I'm engaged to a freaking prince! That sorta makes me rich by association, and I've got nothing left to give!”

 

Miguel smiled and laid down his cards. “Pretty,” he said happily, in English.

 

Benji groaned.

 

“Very well, Miguel, the palace is yours,” Kurama said glumly.

 

Miguel's smile grew. Carefully, he separated all of his winnings into three separate, equal piles, then gave one each to Kurama and Benji, keeping one for himself. He then stacked the cards neatly and passed them to Benji with an expectant look.

 

Benji raised his eyebrow. “The concept of gambling is completely lost on you,” he told his lover.

 

To that, Miguel simply nodded. “Want more lemonade,” he said in adorable, thickly accented, broken English.

 

Kurama groaned and dropped his head onto the table. “I can't play this game anymore,” he moaned in Spanish.

 

“We've done everything there is to do, played every card game known to man,” Miguel replied, in the same language.

 

“Well, not every one,” Benji cut in, a mischievous look in his eyes and a small grin on his face. “Do you guys remember that old game…fifty-two pick-up?”

 

Kurama blinked. “…Why?”

 

The grin grew, and Benji bent the cards slightly between his fingers. “Wanna play?”

 

Kurama groaned. “Oh, brother.”

 

It was then that they were interrupted by Karasu's arrival. He came sweeping in like a cross between an evil queen and a demented vampire from an Anne Rice novel. “Ah, there you are, my sweet,” he said upon seeing Kurama. Receiving no reply, he continued, “I don't suppose you've read any of my letters.”

 

“No,” Kurama replied flatly, refusing to show his surprise at Karasu's early arrival.

 

“Ah, that's really too bad. If you had, you would have known that I was coming home early and that our wedding is set for tomorrow.”

 

Kurama, of course, jumped immediately to his feet, Benji and Miguel only a fraction of a second behind him. “What?!”

 

“Yes,” Karasu replied, smiling coldly. “Now, would you be so kind as to tell me what these two are doing here, Kurama?”

 

“…Visiting.”

 

“Ah, how delightful.” Karasu surveyed Benji and Miguel, standing on either side of their friend, and his icy smile faded to a frown. “Get out.”

 

Benji and Miguel glanced at each other, and knew immediately that they were both thinking the same thing.

 

“Kiss my pirate boots, you arrogant bastard,” Benji said, drawing his sword.

 

“You must stay away from our Kurama,” Miguel added in English as he brought out his own blade.

 

Another malicious grin touched Karasu's face, and with a snap of his fingers, he summoned the guards—new, and very threatening, guards. (Hmm, where did he manage to get those…?) “Remove those two,” he ordered. “Leave Kurama with me.”

 

Benji's mouth thinned, and he took a tighter grip on his sword. “This should be interesting.”

 

In the moments that followed, the temporary captain of the Revenge and his not-so-temporary lover engaged Karasu's guards in a game of striking and dodging. There was no bloodshed yet, but Kurama had a feeling there would be soon and he'd be damned if he was going to miss out again. So, having no real weapons to speak of, the redhead jumped in with a whirl of kicks, punches, and dodges, assisting his friends when necessary and generally enjoying the look on Karasu's face.

 

Karasu, for his part, watched the fight with an air of desperation growing ever more pronounced around him. However, his apprehension turned to satisfaction when Benji found himself quite literally backed into a corner by four of the larger opponents, Kurama was soon caught in the same situation.

 

Miguel, on the other hand, was both willing and able to go on fighting. Obviously fearing for the lives of his allies, the little redhead grabbed Benji's sword, the forced removal of which resulted in the current state of affairs, and yelled his lover's name fearfully.

 

“I'll be fine, love! Keep on going!” Benji replied, before one of the guards cuffed the side of his head in annoyance, dazing him.

 

That was when Miguel spotted Karasu, standing off to the side with that sickening, self-satisfied grin on his face. And at that moment, something snapped.

 

Now, men with large fists and strong muscles can be very frightening when angered. They will break and bones and shatter the minds of their enemies with one well-placed blow. But those people are nothing compared to a tiny Spaniard whose lover's life is at stake. Beware the short people, for they are the ones who should truly be feared. When threatened, they will aim low and strike hard, and when they themselves as well as their lovers are in danger…well, you can imagine.

 

But Karasu couldn't.

 

All he knew was that one minute, he was pain-free and sure of victory, and the next, he was seeing white stars, pink elephants, magic dragons, and every other known pain-induced hallucination.

 

In short…

 

Miguel was a very, very, very angry little Spaniard.

 

“You…let…Benji…go…NOW!” he ordered, each word punctuated with a shard blow to a different and sensitive part of Karasu's body. “Bad man!” With that, Miguel brought his knee up between Karasu's legs. “Bad, bad man!”

 

All activity stopped. Karasu blinked. He whimpered. His eyes watered.

 

And Benji burst into a roaring fit of laughter.

 

Looking back, the captain figured it must have been the laughter that made Karasu so angry, though it could also have been the fact that he had just been rendered nearly unconscious and in extreme agony by an eighty-pound redhead with a Napoleon complex. Either way, the guy was not in a good mood, and when Kurama was finally brought over to Karasu and Miguel and Benji were put in chains by the guards, they figured they might have expected as much.

 

Benji, having expected his luck to run out sooner or later, was not overly concerned at the sudden turn of events. Miguel, however, had never even considered prison to be an option in his life. His fear quickly turned to panic when he found himself being dragged away from Benji. Eyes wide, he looked to his lover—his anchor, his strength—for reassurance.

 

Benji's heart wrenched at the sight. “It's okay, Miguel,” he called in Spanish, trying to keep his voice steady and failing miserably. “Just go quietly. Don't make a fuss. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too,” Miguel replied, in halting English.

 

And through all this, Kurama could do nothing from behind his invisible, gilded cage of obedience and a need to stop the confrontations before anyone else he loved got hurt.

 

It was a hard place to be.

 

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AN: Okay, it's official. We suck. Again. We're so mean! Over a month for update and such a short chapter…we never seem to update anymore, do we? No wonder we're not getting any reviews…sad Well, anyways, for those who are bearing with us—thanks a thousand thousand times!!!