Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Rip-offs, Act I: Bite Me (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ THE FEET! ( Chapter 13 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

DISCLAIMER: Yep, you guessed it: it's not ours. Does this ever get old for any of you?

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An hour later, Karasu came into Kurama's room. “Alas, Kurama, my love, I've finally decided on our wedding song—” Before finishing, he broke into tears. “I'm getting married. I'm so happy.”

“Never thought this day would come?”

Karasu's face clouded over with thought, but then it cleared again. “So, our song will be `It's Raining Men.' Whaddya think?”

“…Die…”

“Oh, you don't know it? Well, it goes something like this…”

dun dun dun

XXX

Meanwhile, in the dungeons of Florin, two lovers—the only prisoners besides the forgotten remains of previous residents—were confined to separate cells and shackled to the walls of said cells. It was bad enough that now joining in a comforting embrace was just beyond their reach, but that was the least of their worries, in fact.

The lack of closeness wasn't what Benji feared the most. It was the fact that his confinement to the tiny cell had finally began to drill its way into his consciousness. Already the room began to grow smaller and his lover began to move farther away. And once Benji went into his phobia freak-out mode it would ensure the same fate for the little Spaniard boy.

Instead Benji had to keep focusing pm meaningless things and Miguel's voice to keep his mind tied to this world.

“Look, Benji, I can almost touch my toes!” Miguel sang.

Benji smiled. “Attaboy.” Making the best of things was one of Miguel's specialties and right now it was just what the doctor ordered.

Wonder what Erik's doing, anyway?

“Benji!!!”

“Huh?”

“I think it moved!” Miguel shrieked, pointing to his skeletal cellmate, who, as far as they knew, was called Spock. Above his head hung a plaque exclaiming, “Pirates, ye be warned!”

“If you don't look at it, it won't move. It only moved because you looked at it.”

“Oh, my God! Ew ew ewww!”

“Now what?”

“I can't stop looking at it!”

“Why not?”

“It's smiling at me…mocking me!”

“Don't encourage it!”

“It smells funny down here, like millions of feet. Gross feet, Benji!”

“It's okay. Just pretend you're somewhere else.”

“I need a bath.”

“Miguel!”

“What? I do.”

“Just close your eyes and humor me.”

“Fine, my attention is all yours.” The little redhead shut his eyes obediently and finally began to relax.

“Now, we're in Cuba. We have the fun drinks with the little umbrellas. And we're sitting under a palm tree…”

“Really? `Cuz in my Cuba everything's upside down and purple and you're wearing a funny hat and…oh, my God, it's Spock! And he's got sunglasses and…an ice cream cone!”

“Miguel!”

XXX

“So…we have to…what, now?”

Yusuke sighed in exasperation. “That's the problem with you youngsters these days. You don't listen. What the man needs is the kiss of life.”

Kuwabara paled. “The…what, now?”

“I am not kissing…that,” Chu added.

“Nah, it doesn't work, anyway.”

Yusuke blinked. “Eh?”

“Yeah. I tried it.”

“…You? You kissed him?”

“…Yeah, I kissed him…”

Yusuke made a face. “Ack.”

Yomi blinked. “…Twice.”

“Gah.”

“Without a breath mint.”

“Please.”

“And it didn't work. So take your little `kiss of life' and shove it.”

Yusuke heaved a great sigh. “Have you never heard of True Love's Kiss?”

“…No.”

Another sigh, and with the air of someone explaining that two plus two equals four to a very dumb toddler, said, “Take the lump man to the castle, get him in, and have Kurama kiss him and bring him back.” He glanced over at the body on the chair, and grimaced. “That is, if you didn't kill him completely dead.”

“I DO NOT HAVE BAD BREATH!”

XXX

Li: Cut!!! Okay! That was…really stinking bad, but we're going with it anyways because I'm bored. And WHERE is the Cheese Man with my espresso?!

Cheese Man: magically appears I set up a table for the cheese slices…displays a lovely row of cheese

Li: clenches fists GAH! Just SOMEONE get me an espresso!

Someone: hands her coffee

Li: Thank you…takes coffee and stares at it intently This…pours it over someone's head It has FOAM in it! Espressos…don't have foam. throws cup at someone's head Go and get another one! Triple caps! And this time no foam! Dangerously Or so help me God…

Someone: runs off with cup, crying

Li: stomps off And where is my Rico?

Ava: stands behind Li with tranquilizer gun made for elephants Aww, you made him cry…

Adara: You people have issues and I'm leaving. In that order.

Someone: comes back with coffee and a muffin, bowing to Li as he offers it to her

Li: takes coffee Thanks…takes sip

Someone: They actually put twice the amount of caffeine they put in a triple. So I don't know how it will taste…

Ava: Finally! Someone who understands our pain.

Li: nods This is…good. Why are you bowing?

Someone: Because…you frighten me, oh Princess of Chaos and Discord, Supreme Ruler of All That Is Dark and Caffeinated, Queen of the Underworld.

Li: shrugs `Kay. I'll take it! walks away, drinking her coffee SWEET MAMMA JAMMA!

Ava: ignores Why don't you just call her Li-chan, like the rest of us?

Someone: Because that is her first name. I don't want to be disrespectful…

Adara: Well, it's not invoking the Dark Prince, so I think it's preferable…

Li: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!

Hiei: I don't have a daddy…cries

Li: Hiei, lay back down. You're dead.

Hiei: Yeah, that's another thing. How long are you going to keep me dead? Kuwabara's dropped me three times already!

Li: blinks Do I know you…? waves hand Shoo!

Ava: Li?

Li: Yeah?

Ava: Ya know how you told me and Adara to get rid of some of the staff because we couldn't afford them on the payroll…ya know, just like three or four?

Li: Yeah.

Ava: Adara, you tell her.

Li: Tell me what, exactly?

Adara: glares at Ava Chicken. Well, see, Li, it's like this…we kinda sorta…locked half the crew in a room with Karasu…

Li: patient And what was the verdict?

Adara: very fast Twelve-people-and-Suzuka-quit.

Ava: And we have to start rehiring in the morning.

Adara: I think I can handle finishing my sentences on my own.

Ava: You bore me.

Adara: Go die, Ava.

Li: giggles You guys…

Ava: We should enjoy this moment while her brain is numbed by the caffeine.

Adara: Because she'll most likely remember in the morning…

Ava: True dat.

Karasu: Oh, Li! Brightly

Li: still dazed Wha…?

Adara: Oh, no!

Ava: He's gonna ruin everything!

Both: Karassssuuuu! slow motion Nooooooo!

Karasu: blinks What the…?

Benji: walks by and hits Sebastian on the head

Sebastian: Ow…

Karasu: Okay, so…I have this movie script I've been working on. And I want you to take a look. Make it into a Blockbuster classic.

Li: Lemme see. takes script All Shook Up, A Karasu Production

Ava: What? Does it have something to do with Elvis?

Karasu: Nope. It's an amazing love story. A tale of romance and deceit. All about a passionate love affair between a man and a BLENDER!

Adara: snatches script With this ring…I thee…blend…?

Ava: Are you serious?

Li: I wonder if we could get Elvis to play the blender…slurs

Adara: Oh, no ya don't. Don't let him suck you into his freak fantasy.

Li: Okay, Karasu, go die. Everyone else…TO THE SET, YE BILGE RATS!

XXX

“They'd better at least have decent food down here,” Benji grumbled, after the guard left them with small bowls of what they guessed was supposed to be called soup.

“And it tastes like feet!” Miguel said, tossing his spoon away in disgust.

“That's it, I'm killing myself.”

“Yeah, you go first so you can break my fall.”

“Whatcha doin'?” a bright voice asked from the cell doors, and Benji and Miguel looked up to see Kurama standing in the doorway with two trays in his hands. “They put you in separate cells? Why?”

Miguel cocked his head. “He has much food.”

“We shall build a cult around him.”

“And statue, many stories high.”

“We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing.”

Kurama laughed. “Please, don't do any of that. Hey, you, open the doors.”

“Wow, you're cranky,” Benji observed in Spanish, so that Miguel might take part in the conversation unhindered. Miguel, meanwhile, attacked his food as the guard left after opening the doors long enough for Kurama to give his friends the food.

“Just…a bad day,” Kurama replied. “Miguel, why are you cowering in the corner?”

Miguel, between bites off food, pointed a shaking finger at the wall opposite him. “I'm giving Spock his space.”

Kurama looked at where Miguel was pointing, and sighed in exasperation. “Miguel, go take a closer look. Go on.”

“But—”

“It's okay, I promise. Go on.”

So with trembling steps, Miguel went over to examine it gingerly. At last, he paused while looking at the bottom of the skeleton's big toe. “…Made in Taiwan?”

Kurama smiled. “Now check the price tag.”

Miguel giggled. “Silly, it doesn't have a price! It's—thirty-five dollars?”

Benji laughed.

“Karasu just put that there as a joke one Halloween. He told me. When I begging him not to.”

“Yeah, how's that going?”

Kurama sighed. “I don't want to talk about it, it'll just make me angry. So…” Kurama glanced over at Miguel, who was still examining the fake skeleton and ignoring the other two. Seeing that the redhead was well-distracted, Kurama turned back to his friend and whispered, “How are you doing?”

Benji forced a smile. “I'm fine. I'm completely and totally find and I'm—” Then he looked over at Miguel and he seemed to deflate. “So completely not fine.”

“Aw, claustrophobia's reared its ugly head?”

“You have no idea. You remember the time Hiei locked me in a closet back on the Revenge?”

“…Yeees…”

Suddenly, Benji's hand shot through the bars and yanked Kurama against them as he hissed, “This is worse. And I can't break down in front of Miguel, I won't do it. So get. Me. Out. Of. Here.” Benji emphasized each the last five words by pulling Kurama against the bars with each one.

“Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Okay! Stop! Once Benji had done so, Kurama took a deep breath. “Now, I don't think I can get you out myself, so we'll just have to find someone who can.”

“Erik,” Benji replied immediately.

“That'll do. But how do we get the message to him? Ever since he got back, Karasu's been reading my mail.”

BAM! As if on cue, the supply closet in the corner slammed open, and a tiny Korean woman leapt out with a large broom in her hand. “I. See. All.”

Benji and Miguel jumped at least a foot in the air, but Kurama simply smiled at the woman. “Hello, Mrs. Kim.” Then, seeing his friends' looks of confusion, he explained. “She's a closet hopper, and Miss Genkai's very dear friend. Oh! Maybe she could deliver your message!”

“What message?” Mrs. Kim asked, not cracking even the barest hint of a smile.

Kurama quickly explained the entire situation.

“Okay. I deliver message,” said the very frightening Korean woman as she turned and leapt into the closet. “AND NO BOYS!” she screeched over her shoulder, slamming the door.

“That. Was the second scariest thing, next to feet, that I've seen in my entire live.” Miguel blinked.

XXX

“Well, are you all just gonna stand there or am I gonna hafta go get my magic mojo…?” Yusuke asked.

“That won't be necessary…we were just…”

Thwack!

Just before Yomi could finish his sentence, he was hit in the head by Yusuke's closet door.

“Ow. What the hey…?” Yomi said, staring at Mrs. Kim.

“You know Kurama?” she asked, raising her broom.

“Yes, I know him,” Yomi offered.

“How you know Kurama?”

“I'm Yomi, I'm bringing Hiei back to him…”

An all-knowing look crossed Mrs. Kim's face as she nodded. Then she took a swing at Yomi's head, then his shoulder, continuing until she had him on the floor, beaten senseless. “YOU KILL HIM!”

“Lady's got a point…” Yusuke muttered.

“I know that! I'm bring back his body for Kurama to kiss.”

Mrs. Kim nodded. “Ah…so he kill you later.”

“No! I'm bringing Hiei to him! Why would he kill me?”

“He say because he's getting married tomorrow. And if he marries Karasu someone's going to pay. He say give you the message, the Korean lady said, and then jumped back in the closet.

“Tomorrow, huh? Well, we better get going,” Chu said, heading out the door.

Miracle Yusuke stood there with his hand open. “Tip…?”

Silence.

“…Well, okay.”

Yomi, Chu, and Kuwabara, who was holding Hiei now, were soon back on the road, where Kuwabara broke into yet another chorus of “On the Road Again”, which he only knew half the lyrics to.

“On the road again…na na na na road again…”

They came across a fork in the road, with a corn field to its left, complete with scarecrow.

“That's eerie…” Chu commented.

Kuwabara shakily lifted a cross and muttered, “The power of Christ compels you…”

“C'mon, Kuwa,” Chu said, yanking Kuwabara away from the scarecrow. They walked down the road with a sign reading, “Florin, 12 miles.”

Their eyes darted to the right road, where Yomi stood opposite them.

“Where d'you think you're going?” Chu asked.

“To…Guilder…so I can go get drunk with Gilligan,” Yomi said, shrugging.

“So…you're bailing on us?” Kuwabara asked, deflated.

“Well…yeah.”

Chu's face took on a serious change. “I've spared your life…but if we ever meet again…I'll kill you.”

Yomi chuckled. “You never will. There's nothing left to see.”

And then there were two.

XXX

Li: Their taller…and there's more of them…

Ava: Li, we've been through this. The cheeses are not growing or reproducing.

Li: They're multiplying. It's like the freakin' Matrix…

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We know, we suck. We're over it. Blame the shortness on the fact that it's summer and we NEED SCHOOL TO WRITE. We're going back to school, so we'll have even less time to update, but on the up side, the chapters will be better and funnier. So, anyway, please review!!!