Fan Fiction ❯ Adventures of Bastard Children: a Moment of Sorrow ❯ The Conversation ( One-Shot )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: firagabird 
A conversation at night between Hitori and Eriko when he's in his usual bad mood. Based on a true occurrence. Don't expect any plot whatsoever. Just lots of angst.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 02.24.2006 | Updated On: 02.24.2006 | Pages: 9 | Words: 6.0K | Visits: 381 | Status: Completed
A conversation at night between Hitori and Eriko when he's in his usual bad mood. Based on a true occurrence. Don't expect any plot whatsoever. Just lots of angst.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 02.24.2006 | Updated On: 02.24.2006 | Pages: 9 | Words: 6.0K | Visits: 381 | Status: Completed
I just found this lying in my hard drive yesterday. Apparently, I saved it from a chat I had with one of my friends. Somewhere in the back of my head, I thought it would be a good idea to post this up for others to see. Don't ask why. After you read this, please don't review too harshly.
Moment of Sorrow
8:25:05 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am starting not to enjoy going to Chunbara Mo'Hk and the Prostisan's Den…
8:26:31 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
My self-destructive tendancies are acting up.
8:26:41 PM:
Yukiko
How so?
8:27:07 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am spoiled, stubborn, and lazy…
8:27:21 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am a pity whore and crave attention…
8:27:32 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Always wanting to be in the limelight.
8:27:54 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
When there are others, I either strive to be above them or stay away from them.
8:28:15 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
In a Congregation, it is obviously a problem...
8:28:43 PM:
Yukiko
Yes. So, what are you to do?
8:29:00 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I can barely control it and let my good writing (occassionally) come out.
8:29:05 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
..? I cannot really do it...
8:29:09 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
do anything about it^
8:29:35 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
*sighs softly* My discipline is truly weak: I cannot go back.
8:29:36 PM:
Yukiko
What about Gukdor?
8:29:40 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:29:43 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I know...
8:30:04 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
At the very least, I suppose, I will have to force myself to go back for it...
8:31:26 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
*sighs heavily, looking down* Damn it...
8:32:16 PM:
Yukiko
If you really do not wish to do it, you could stop it like Lycanine did with SoC
8:32:29 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I do not think she really stopped...
8:32:51 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
She had also brought up two other Congregation threads that still are alive, had she not...?
8:33:06 PM:
Yukiko
No, I believe not; She had stopped one.
8:33:19 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Just one.
8:33:24 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Yet, she kept on going.
8:33:35 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
She is... she enjoys company more than I do.
8:33:59 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
…is able to enjoy such things that ordinary Congregationers love doing.
8:34:22 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
She loves getting into character and letting her character interact with other characters, as it should be.
8:34:27 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
And I...
8:34:38 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:34:55 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I truly am, and always will be, an outcast at heart...
8:35:32 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
No one is like me, no one can relate to me... Although, even if there were, it would still be of no relief or comfort to me.
8:35:46 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am one of a kind, a mental abomination.
8:36:04 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
…The world shall see my birth and my death. It will make not the slightest difference.
8:36:31 PM:
Yukiko
Wait now… You cannot think like that…
8:36:35 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I destroy myself, and I honestly cannot do much about that, besides ignoring it completely.
8:36:50 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...I have done so for the better half of the decade...
8:37:14 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
The stories I hum, the dreams I awake from...
8:37:35 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
They are all mere scraps of my eternal and internal tumult.
8:38:38 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
As I was always alone and had no company during my first two decades in adolescence, which was up until a fortnight ago, so I had turned to books.
8:39:38 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Incessantly, I have read fantasies that scorn me and scar me, provoking my desires and coming back to haunt me once I'd grown a conscience, traumatizing me from the very things I could feel pleasure from...
8:40:09 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Yet… they had also given me a wider imagination, more vivid and matured fantasies, and a knack for words...
8:40:31 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
`Twas a trade-off, I suppose...
8:41:00 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I now realize, and perhaps accept, that I cannot gain any form of relief that is actually worth the blood and tears.
8:41:21 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
So, I had decided to stop focusing on my own pleasure.
8:42:04 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I began to find ways of giving that to those who can relish it unlike myself, those who do not suffer my condition.
8:42:29 PM:
Yukiko
But, Hitori, I do not understand… How do you not gain pleasure?
8:42:37 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Oh, I do gain pleasure.
8:42:48 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
It is just always counteracted by my guilt and my shame.
8:43:01 PM:
Yukiko
How so…?
8:43:03 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
If that pleasure was a base and passionate one.
8:43:22 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
If I gained a higher plane of pleasure, however, a pleasure of the intellect...
8:43:43 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
My desires and cravings would upset it, ruining it by making it feel insufficient.
8:44:09 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
There is no way for me to gain both at the same time.
8:44:19 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
They are two sides, opposites.
8:44:34 PM:
Yukiko
I… see…
8:44:37 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
There is no overlap, no common interest.
8:44:47 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
So, you see, I am complicated...
8:45:02 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
And I am sick of it.
8:45:35 PM:
Yukiko
Well, everyone has their problems. You must find way to get through them. You just… have not found that yet.
8:45:54 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:45:58 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Forget it...
8:46:24 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Even if I found a way to get over it, I would have not the discipline to follow it, even less to keep it constant...
8:47:00 PM:
Yukiko
Hitori… That is a defeatist attitude
8:47:17 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:47:17 PM:
Yukiko
If you think like that, you cannot get better.
8:47:27 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
It is the attitude I usually carry...
8:47:42 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Of course...
8:47:53 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:48:15 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
To gain what I desire, I must shape myself into something I am not.
8:48:25 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I would have to become… normal.
8:48:44 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I would have to ignore these complicated, conflicting thoughts.
8:48:53 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
The same thoughts that define who I am.
8:49:19 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I'd have to give up my writing and my dreams, which are born from and conflict of my desires.
8:49:44 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I will then have to rid myself of desire, the one thing that can sometimes drive me to the only good I can contribute.
8:50:20 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I have to become normal, and vanquish all of these abnormal qualities.
8:50:25 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
And finally...
8:51:01 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
All I will be is just another face of the community, another soul bound by the laws made by others, the society that tears and rebuilds itself at a mechanical pace.
8:51:14 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I will be faceless.
8:51:28 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
So, it is also obviously a difficult trade-off.
8:51:41 PM:
Yukiko
..Oh…
8:51:48 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am still not sure if it is possible to circumvent these two...
8:52:07 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I do not know... if there even exists a point of neutrality...
8:52:16 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
There are two opposites and only one delicate balance.
8:52:51 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Between them is an infinity of uncountable paths, and only one thin elusive balance.
8:53:00 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I am two opposites; At least, I believe myself to be.
8:53:13 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I have taken two equally opposing roads, and much margin of falter between them.
8:53:40 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I can only choose one, however, to attain what I can: the line of Balance.
8:53:44 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
road
8:53:54 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
^
8:54:01 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Only one way, only one path.
8:54:06 PM:
Yukiko
Hitori, you are only upset…
8:54:18 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Where others are satisfied with several different ones, I can only have one.
8:54:27 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:54:31 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
*sighs softly*
8:54:49 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Someone like me shouldn't even exist.
8:55:04 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Yes, I am upset, that it must have had to be me that was like this.
8:55:24 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
There were others: Galileo, Newton, Nostradamus.
8:55:24 PM:
Yukiko
Do not say that…! That is, that is just wrong.
8:55:30 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Each had horrible, opposing sides.
8:55:55 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
But, somehow, through that, they were able to contribute something.
8:55:59 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:56:14 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I begin to wonder, what is so wrong about an anomaly in an imperfect system…
8:56:32 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
There will obviously be scraps from the imperfect balance of man.
8:56:45 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I just feel that I am one of those apples-gone-bad.
8:57:01 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
That is pretty natural, now that I think of it.
8:57:13 PM:
Yukiko
People can change… you must try to make the best of what you have…
8:57:48 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
And, in so doing, I must sacrifice my own being for the satisfaction of others.
8:58:21 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I'd have to kill myself off, slowly and silently, day by day, fighting my depression to contribute to 'society'...
8:58:42 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Sacrifice myself until the day I die, as an old and unwanted man.
8:58:53 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
...
8:59:00 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I cannot let Eriko love me...
8:59:07 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I cannot let her hold me...
8:59:26 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
I would just bring her, and everyone I care for and love, down with me to my destruction...
9:00:04 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
Of course, the idea of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for, is terrifying...
9:00:30 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
An idea I will eventually learn to carry...
9:00:42 PM:
Hitori, the Lonely
An empty feeling I will have to learn to live with...
…This is a true conversation I had once had during my usual bout of depression. I have changed the names, fixed the typos, and modified the text into the style my characters speak with.