Fan Fiction ❯ Behind the Scenes: LOTR Commercials Uncensored ❯ Chapter 1: Shampoo ( Chapter 1 )

Behind the Scenes: LOTR Commercials Uncensored

Hello, and welcome to Behind the Scenes: LOTR Commercials Uncensored. This is where we show all of the commercials that were filmed by LOTR peoples. And we mean ALL of them. Outtakes, behind the scenes, surprise shots. And ALL of it is worth viewing. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING TO DO WITH LOTR. EVERYTHING BELONGS TO J.R.R. TOLKIEN WHO CREATED ONE OF THE BEST STORIES ON EARTH. ALL HAIL TOLKIEN.

Warning: Some scenes may be disturbing to young children. Aw hell let `em watch it anyway.

Dedications: I owe this whole damn thing to Tomoe for telling me the idea when I was completely stumped. Thanx. And if the show bombs, it's ALL YOUR FAULT! AHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. On with the show!

The First Commercial: Shampoo

Little Hobbit: O.K everybody, take your places!

Arwen: But we don't have the script yet!

L.H.: … *sigh* Where's the scriptwriter?

Silence

L.H.: I said WHERE'S THE DAMN SCRIPTWRITER!!!!

A person with a long beard looking underfed and dehydrated runs onto the set, panting.

Script Writer: *gasp* Here's *wheeze* the script. Can I have some water now?

L.H.: Mmmm. Maybe later.

S.W.: O.K. (walks away looking at floor)

L.H.: (going around handing out scripts) Alright everybody, you're getting your scripts you have 10 minutes to look over them. I need more sugar.

Spy Cam: Galadriel Unmasked

Spy cam is when my camera people sneak around on other people and, well, spy on them. You know, surprise shots. Don't look at me like that.

The Spy Cam is moving outside towards Galadriel's trailer. The door is slightly open. The camera moves towards the door, and the camera person opens it halfway. Galadriel is standing at her mirror, putting something on her face. Without warning, she turns around, facing the camera. It isn't a pretty sight. She has some sort of green substance on her face and cucumbers on her eyes.

Camera Person: Oh my god!

The camera falls to the ground and you can hear someone running away.

~~~

L.H.: O.K, now that you all know your parts, get into your places.

Bilbo: But what if we don't know our parts?

L.H.: I don't care. And action!

The camera turns on and zooms in on Arwen's face. She flashes a cheesy smile. Someone throws a bucket of water all over her head.

Arwen: AAAAH! MY HAIR!

Bilbo: (sidesteps onscreen) Something, wrong with, your, hair?

Arwen: Well duh there's something wrong with my hair! LOOK AT ME!

Bilbo: (stiffly) Then, you need, Evershine, shampoo.

Arwen: Why that shampoo? I like Pantene!

L.H.: CUT! That's not your line Arwen.

Arwen: I know, but I like Pantene better.

L.H.: I, don't, care. Just do the scene. And Bilbo, loosen up! The camera is not going to hurt you.

A camera behind them topples over on Gollum's head.

Gollum: Urk!

L.H.: Uh, ignore that.

TAKE 2

A second bucket of water is thrown on Arwen.

Arwen: FOR THE LOVE OF-

Bilbo: Something wrong… with your hair?

Arwen: No!

Bilbo: Then you need… (eyes go all zero-y and falls to the floor unconscious)

L.H.: CUT! Aw crap.

Two people dressed in white suits lift Bilbo onto a stretcher and carry him offset.

L.H.: Send him to therapy. He needs to learn how to cope in front of a camera. *sigh* This is going to take a while.

While our furry-footed friend is in therapy, I think it's time for:

Spy Cam: Arwen's Not So Perfect Side

The Spy Cam is moving around the set, searching for unsuspecting victims. It comes up behind Galadriel.

Galadriel: (whirls around) You want another closeup? Huh? Here! Closeup! (she presses her cheek on the lens) Closeup!

The camera backs away quickly, a cloth rubbing the lens. The cloth is then thrown at Galadriel. The Spy Cam moves on. It comes to yet another door that's partway open. How inviting. It goes over, the camera peeking through the space. Arwen is inside the room, her hair in gigantic curlers, and she appears to be picking her nose. A stifled laugh is heard. The screen goes black.

~~~

L.H.: O.K. people, Bilbo's back from therapy and we're ready to continue on. And action!

Another bucket of water is thrown on Arwen.

Arwen: (mumbles something inaudible)

Bilbo: Something wrong with your hair?

Arwen: Yes Bilbo, there is something wrong with my hair.

Bilbo: Then you need Evershine shampoo.

Arwen: (blinks) Uh… What?

L.H.: *sigh* Cut. Arrrweeen!

Arwen: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

L.H.: Will it happen again?

Arwen: No.

L.H.: Good, good. What won't you do?

Arwen: Forget my lines.

L.H.: Excellent. Have a cookie.

Just then Little Hobbit felt someone pulling her sleeve. She turned. It was Pippin, standing with Merry, both looking very tired.

L.H.: What is it?

Pippin: (raspy whisper) We're so booored.

Merry nods in agreement.

L.H.: It's not my fault your part is last.

Merry: Couldn't you just film our part now so we can go home and you can add it in later?

L.H.: No. That would involve effort.

Pippin: Well what are we supposed to do?

L.H.: I dunno. I'll have someone hide mushrooms around the set and you can go look for them.

Pippin and Merry: O.K!

They ran off.

L.H.: O.K., they'll be busy for a while.

Galadriel walks over.

L.H.: Don't tell me! You're bored. If that's the case, walk away right now, I don't want to hear it.

Galadriel: (looks at floor and walks away)

L.H.: *sigh* Alright, one more time from the top. Action.

Yet another bucket of water is thrown on Arwen.

Arwen: (bursts into tears)

Bilbo: Something wrong with your hair?

Arwen: (nods, still sobbing)

Bilbo: Then you need Evershine shampoo!

Arwen: What the hell is that? *sniffle*

Bilbo: It's a great new shampoo that-

He stops to watch Merry and Pippin run across the screen carrying sacks of mushrooms.

L.H.: cut. Meriadoc, Peregrin, get your BUTT'S OVER here.

They stop, turn slowly, and walk over.

L.H.: Stay. Off. The. Set.

They nod and leave. Quickly.

Arwen: I am NOT having another bucket of water thrown on my head.

L.H.: Yes you are.

Arwen: No I'm not.

L.H.: Yes, you are.

Arwen: No I'm not.

L.H.: Yes you ARE

Arwen: No I'm NOT

L.H.: ARE

Arwen: NOT

L.H.: ARE

Arwen: NOT

L.H.: ARE! END OF THE FRIGGIN' DISCUSSION! (storms off)

Arwen: (mumbles) not.

L.H.: ARE!

TAKE 25

Bilbo: Then you need Evershine shampoo.

Arwen: (through clenched teeth) What's that?

Bilbo: It's a new shampoo that moisturizes and rejuvenates your hair.

Arwen: (unenthusiastically) wow.

Bilbo: And, to prove to you that this shampoo actually works, here's some people who have used this shampoo.

Galadriel and Legolas walk out onto the screen.

Long pause.

L.H.: Where's Frodo? And Sam?

Legolas: They're not here yet.

L.H.: (sobbing into her hands) Why me? Why me? (she shakes her fist at the ceiling) Damn you!

~Ten minutes later~

Frodo: We're here!

L.H.: Where were you?

Sam: (points to Legolas) Well he was supposed to give us a ride, but he never showed up, so we had to take the bus, but it broke down so I had to call Rosie, but she had to go somewhere, so we had to walk the rest of the way.

L.H.: Oi. Just get a car.

Frodo: But I can't see over the steering wheel.

L.H.: Well, get a small car, like a Volkswagon Beetle. Pippin has one of those.

Frodo and Sam: PUCHBUGGY NO PUNCHBACKS!!!!!!

Frodo and Sam start slapping each other.

L.H.: What the hell?

Merry: Just ignore them. They'll get tired soon.

~Five minutes later~

L.H.: Alright people, this is the LAST TAKE!!! If we don't get through it this time, YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID!!!!

Legolas: Oooh, harsh.

THE LAST TAKE

The last bucket of water is thrown on Arwen.

Arwen: WAAAAAAH!

Bilbo: Something wrong with your hair?

Arwen: (nods) Uh-huh.

Bilbo: Then you need Evershine shampoo!

Arwen: What the hell is that?

Bilbo: It's a new shampoo that moisturizes and rejuvenates your hair.

Arwen: How do I know it works?

Bilbo: Well, I've brought in a few people who've used Evershine shampoo and had great results.

Galadriel, Legolas, Frodo, and Sam shuffle onscreen.

Bilbo: Just take a look at their beautiful shiny hair.

All flash cheesy grins.

Bilbo: We also have another guest.

Gollum rolls onscreen.

Gollum: We's used other shampoo, yes we did, and look at what it did to us, we wring their filthy little necks, yes yesss, preciousss.

The people in white suits carry Gollum offset.

Merry runs across the set carrying a sign that says `Evershine', and as soon as he disappears off the screen Pippin runs across the screen in the opposite direction carrying a sign that says `Shampoo'.

END

L.H.: (mouth hanging open) That was the cheesiest thing I have ever seen.

Pippin: We still get paid right?

L.H.: Y-es.

Pippin: I don't care then. (skips offset)

L.H.: (hand on her head) Oi. Just don't forget to come back next week for our next commercial.

END

A/N: So, how was it? If people like it I'll write more.