Fan Fiction ❯ Behind the Scenes: LOTR Commercials Uncensored ❯ Chapter 2: Contact Lenses ( Chapter 2 )

Episode 2

Disclaimer: I SHALL REPEAT MYSELF. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING TO DO WITH LOTR.

Dedications: I think this chapter should be dedicated to … Of the Stars, my little sister, (she's not on FF.net) for pushing me to write this chapter.

The Second Episode: Contact Lenses

L.H.: O.K. people, welcome back. I hope you're ready to film another great commercial.

Frodo: I thought you said the last one was the cheesiest thing you ever saw?

L.H.: Shut up!

Merry: Yeah that's-

L.H.: Shut up!! (smiles) Now, let's continue on. Do you have your scripts?

Frodo: Um, no.

L.H.: *sigh* SCRIPTWRITER!!!

The same bearded, unfed and dehydrated man rushes onset.

Scriptwriter: *hack* Here's the script.

L.H.: Good good. Here, have a sandwich and some water.

S.W: (bursts into tears) Th-thank you! (scrambles away with sandwich and water)

L.H.: 0.o Oookay. I guess we should feed him more often, huh?

Sound effects technician: Um, yeah.

L.H.: I'd better write that down right now or I'll forget. So what does the script say?

Frodo: I dunno, I haven't read it yet.

L.H.: Well go! Read! Read!

Frodo runs off.

L.H.: Uh, you left your script behind.

Frodo: (runs back) Yoink!

L.H.: If you're going to procrastinate at least do it right.

Frodo: Whatever. (runs off again)

L.H.: (shakes head) Oi. Why is my life such hell?

Legolas: You sold your soul to the devil for a Snickers bar remember?

L.H.: Oh yeah. And it was a damn good Snickers too.

Legolas: 0.o

L.H.: Oh, go read your script.

Legolas: But I don't say anything.

L.H.: (glares) I said read the damn script.

Spy Cam: The Mushroom Thief

The Spy Cam ventures all around the set. It stops at the food tent, and peers inside. Merry and Pippin are inside, sitting at a table, each with a plate of mushrooms. Someone calls Merry and he turns away. Pippin looks from side to side, then casually reaches his hand over and scoops half of Merry's mushrooms onto his plate. Merry turns back to his plate and notices that half of his meal is gone. He turns to Pippin and they start arguing, then start slapping each other when Merry tries to take them back. Little Hobbit rushes into the middle of the argument, getting a few slaps herself. She grabs them both by the hair and pulls the still thrashing hobbits apart.

Camera Person: Riiight.

The screen goes black.

~~~

L.H.: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Merry: He took my mushrooms!

Pippin: Did not!

Merry: They were on your plate!

Pippin: Let's not drag an innocent plate into this!

L.H.: Oh shutup! What are you guys, like 30? You sound like 2 year olds!

Pippin: (sticks out lower lip) No we don't.

L.H.: *sigh* Yes, you do. You're fighting over mushrooms for gods sake!

A bolt of lighting zaps her in the butt.

L.H.: Ouch! Oh yeah, I forgot about the soul thing. I'm not allowed to talk about … Him, anymore.

Merry: We fought once before, about a firework.

L.H.: A firework.

Merry: Yep. Firework.

~Flashback~

Bilbo's Eleventy-first birthday party

Merry gives Pippin a boost into the cart. Pippin holds up a large firework.

Merry: No no, the big one, big one.

Pippin: This is a big firework!

Merry: There's a bigger one right there!

Pippin: I don't care!

They start slapping each other and they try to stuff lit fireworks down each others pants.

~End of Flashback~

L.H.: (mouth hanging open) Why are you here?

Pippin: We're here to film a commercial.

L.H.: No, why are you here on earth?

Merry: Don't ask me, ask the big guy. (points at ceiling)

L.H.: I told you, I can't talk about Him, or to Him. He was a little miffed about the soul thing. I apologized, but He wouldn't listen.

Merry: (tears of pain in his eyes) Can you please let go of my hair now?

L.H.: Oh! Right.

She lets go of both their hair.

Pippin: Thank you.

L.H.: Go away.

They run off.

L.H.: Alright, you've had long enough. Get ready for the first take.

TAKE ONE

Frodo shuffles in front of the camera and holds out his hand, palm up. There's nothing there.

Frodo: See these?

Pippin: No.

L.H.: CUT! You idiot! We didn't even get past the first line!

Frodo: We?

L.H.: How are we supposed to film a commercial with people interrupting?

Frodo: We?

L.H.: Of course you can't see anything, BECAUSE THEY'RE CONTACT LENSES! You CAN'T SEE contact lenses!

Frodo: We? And yes you can.

Pippin: What's wrong with you?

L.H.: I took too much of my medication this morning. And we had to watch a T.V. show at school and a guy had his arms cut off.

Frodo and Pippin: 0.o

L.H.: Oh leave me alone!

Frodo and Pippin: 0.o

L.H.: Stop it!!

Frodo and Pippin: 0.o

L.H.: Do that again and you're not getting paid!

Frodo and Pippin: -_-

L.H.: That's better.

TAKE TWO

Frodo: (holding out hand, this time actually holding contact lenses) See these? They're the new Clearsee contact lenses. They're eathy… Eathy? Great, now I'm thpeaking with a lithp. Thith thuckth.

L.H.: (covers her face with her hands)

Frodo: Hey! It'th not my fault! You think I wanna thpeak like thith?

L.H.: AAH! SOMEONE FIX HIM!!!

She runs into the washroom screaming.

Frodo: What'th her problem?

Legolas: Too much medication.

Frodo: Oh, right. Can thomebody fixth my tongue?

Gandalf walks over, pulls Frodo's tongue and lets go.

Frodo: OW!!!! Hey! It worked! See!

L.H.: (walks out of washroom) Hey, where'd you come from?

Gandalf: Elrond, Haldir and I decided to drop by when we heard you were making a commercial and HADN'T ASKED US TO BE IN IT!!!!!!

L.H.: Uh, um. Actually it's our second commercial.

Gandalf: (closes eyes, slowly turns red) I see.

Elrond: (pats Gandalf on shoulder) Its O.K. Remember your therapy sessions. Just breathe.

Haldir: How come you didn't ask me to be in the shampoo commercial? I have great hair!

L.H.: Well, it was between you and Legolas, so we took a vote and we chose Legolas.

Haldir: I'm hurt, I really am.

L.H.: Well you can be in our next commercial. (whispers) And I'll pay you extra.

Haldir: You're forgiven.

L.H.: We're getting ready for our next take people!

TAKE THREE

Frodo: (holds out blah blah blah) See these? They're the new Clearsee contact lenses. They're easy to take care of and don't hurt your eyes. Clearsee contact lenses also come in many different colours.

The camera zooms in on Sam's eyes.

Frodo: Beautiful Brown.

The camera zooms in on Merry's eyes.

Frodo: Ocean Blue.

The camera zooms in on Pippin's eyes.

Frodo: Meadow Green.

The camera zooms in on Legolas's eyes.

Frodo: And Ice Blue.

Legolas blinks.

L.H.: CUT! I I I I I don't believe it! Youblinkedyoublinkedyoublinked! AHAHAHAHAHA you BLINKED! (starts laughing maniacally then abruptly stops) We have to film it again.

Legolas: But I just blinked, couldn't we just-

L.H.: Uh uh uh, no no no. We're filming it over. FILMING IT OVER! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Still laughing she once again goes into the washroom. Maniacal laughter can still be heard.

Legolas: I don't think that's just too much medication; she is stoned.

Gandalf: Yep. I'd have to agree.

Elrond: And drinking too I'd guess.

Spy Cam: No Words To Describe This

The Spy Cam peers into many rooms, but nothing. It seems people are prepared this time. But let's not forget that there are three new victims on the set today who have no idea about Spy Cam. *evil laugh* The Spy Cam spots someone turned the other way. Perfect. The Spy Cam moves closer. It's Elrond. Hmmm. Nothing particularly interesting here. Then Elrond reveals something horrible. It seems he's been sucking in a gut that makes him look like a woman that's 6 months pregnant.

Camera Person: AAAAH!

Elrond turns around.

C.P.: AAAAH!

Once again the camera falls to the ground and you can hear the camera person running away. Then you can hear him fall to the ground.

Elrond: (starts walking towards fallen camera person) Are you O.K.?

C.P.: AAAAH! OH MY GOD STAY AWAY!!!

It seems that Elrond steps on the camera, thus there are sparks and the screen goes black.

(Note: For more information on Elrond's obesity, see Saruman's Fan Mail Hour. Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SFMH. REIKON DOES)

~~~

After a series of heart attacks the camera person was taken away in an ambulance. The Spy Camera was also ruined. Sadly, there won't be any Spy Cam for a while.

Legolas: (shakes head) How sad. I wonder what happened. I guess we'll never know.

Elrond: (shifty eyes)

Legolas: (turns to Pippin) Hey, you don't have green eyes, do you?

Pippin: No I actually had to wear those Clearsee contact lenses and they're really hurting my eyes.

Legolas: Uh huh. I sympathize. (pats Pippin on the head and walks away)

L.H.: *sigh* Let's try this again.

TAKE FOUR

Frodo: (blah blah you know the hand thing) See these? They're the new Clearsee contact lenses. They're easy to take care of, and they don't irritate your eyes. Clearsee contact lenses also come in different colours.

The camera zooms in on Sam's eyes.

Frodo: Beautiful Brown.

The camera zooms in on Merry's eyes.

Frodo: Ocean Blue.

The camera zooms in on Pippin's teary eyes.

Frodo: Meadow Green.

The camera zooms in on Legolas's eyes.

He accidentally blinks again.

Legolas: Oh crap.

L.H.: AHAHAHAHAHA! GUESS WHAT? THAT'S RIGHT! WE FILM IT AGAIN!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Legolas: *whimpers*

TAKE FIVE

Frodo: (blah this is getting boring) See these? They're the new Clearsee contact lenses. They're easy to take care of, and they don't irritate your eyes.

Pippin: (mumbles, luckily L.H. doesn't notice) Yes they do.

Frodo: Clearsee contact lenses also come in different colours.

The camera zooms in on Sam's eyes.

Frodo: Beautiful Brown.

The camera zooms in on Merry's eyes.

Frodo: Ocean Blue.

The camera zooms in on Pippin's still tearing eyes.

Frodo: Meadow Green.

The camera zooms in on Legolas's eyes that have been taped open.

Legolas: Ouch.

L.H.: Cut. (starts crying) I'm too tired for this! Film it again.

Uh, you know how the commercial goes. And besides, after the filming we had to put Little Hobbit in the hospital, 5th floor, the floor for the mentally unstable. She should be fine by the next filming.

A/N: O.K., a few things to say. First, I know it was really long, but I couldn't stop writing. Second, I have to give my friend Angathol Ironhelm some credit for the Legolas blinky thingy because we made that part up together. And last, thank you SOOOO much to Tersa, Ivory Tower, Oddwen, and loveit for the good reviews, I'm glad people liked it. I don't really get many reviews.

(P.S.: Thanx for the idea loveit)