Fan Fiction ❯ Behind the Scenes: LOTR Commercials Uncensored ❯ Chapter 3: The Protest ( Chapter 3 )

Episode 3

Disclaimer: *SIGH* I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING TO DO WITH LOTR DISNEY WORLD OR SANTA CLAUSE

Dedications: I'm dedicating this chapter to Angathol Ironhelm for telling me the idea for this chapter.

Episode 3: The Protest

L.H.: (dressed in formal evening gown) Hello, and welcome. This is a very special episode. I don't remember what it's about, but it's very special.

A crumpled up piece of paper hits her in the forehead.

L.H.: Ow! (reads paper) Oh, right. Today's episode is about Protesting Against Stereotypical Elves and Dwarves. P.A.S.E.D. We decided we've put up with these stereotypes and prejudice for far too long. When some people think of dwarves, they think of those small fat white-bearded people. Well they're NOT. And when some people think of elves they think of green-clad overly happy midgets. Well they're NOT. And today, we are going to show all those people what real dwarves and real elves are. And we're filming it all.

Gimli and Gloin walk in front of camera.

L.H.: These, are dwarves.

Legolas, Haldir, Glorfindel, Galadriel, Celeborn, Elrond and Arwen walk out in front of the camera beside Gimli and Gloin.

L.H.: And these are elves. Got that people? (points at Gimli and Gloin) These, dwarves. (points to elves) These, elves. And to further our protest, one group is going to Santa's Workshop. That's by far the most prejudiced place in the world. And no we're not going to the North Pole. We're going to the Workshop they set up downtown. Another group will be going to Disneyworld and protesting in front of the ride Snow White's Adventures.

Aragorn: Woo-hoo! Disneyworld!

L.H.: You're not going on any rides, you're protesting.

Aragorn: Oh.

L.H.: Oh yes, and we have two guests for today's show. My two good friends, Tomoe and Angathol Ironhelm.

Tomoe and Angathol walk onset.

They both grin and wave at the camera.

L.H.: Now we have to choose who's in what group.

Legolas: What group are you going to be in?

L.H.: Oh, I'm not in a group. And neither is Tomoe or Angathol. We're going back and forth between groups to see how things are going. And there's been a slight change. Both groups are going to Orlando Florida, it seems there's a Santa's Workshop there near Disneyworld as well.

Elves: Woo-hoo!

L.H.: No rides! Protest!

Elves: -_-

L.H.: Before we leave I have to change out of this damn gown. *shudder* Ugh, I hate dresses.

Little Hobbit, Tomoe and Angathol go into their dressing rooms, and come out wearing denim shorts and purple T-shirts with Mickey Mouse on them that say `I'm going to Disneyworld!'

L.H.: O.K. people, let's go!

All rush offset, climb into limo, drive to airport and hop onto a plane destined for Orlando Florida.

L.H., Tomoe and Angathol: (singing) I'm goin' to Disneyworld, I'm goin' to DisneywoOorld!

Merry: Hey, I thought you said no rides?

L.H.: (shifty eyes) I did.

Pippin: (suspicious look)

Angathol: I've never been to Disneyworld before ^_^

Tomoe: Neither have I ^_^

Angathol: I'm SOOO excited!!!

Tomoe: So am I!!!

Angathol: Stop it! Go get your own emotions!

Tomoe: How about no.

Angathol: Fine! Be that way!

Tomoe: I will.

Angathol: Grrr! Don't make me bite you!

Tomoe: Don't make me hurt you!

Angathol: (thinks for a minute) Hmm. How to make her stop. Aha! Tomoe needs hugs! (goes towards Tomoe with open arms)

Tomoe: AAH! No!

She runs to the front of the plane and locks herself in the washroom.

Angathol: Bahahahaha.

Little Hobbit goes to the front of the plane and knocks on the washroom door.

L.H.: Toomooe, you can come out noow. The hugs are gone.

Tomoe: No more… hugs?

L.H.: No.

She throws open the door.

Tomoe: Good. (glares at Angathol) Don't hug me.

Angathol: Hee hee.

A few minutes later a stewardess comes over.

Stewardess: Does anybody need anything?

Sam: Some ale would be nice.

Pippin: Mushrooms!

Merry: Ooh! Pipeweed!

Bilbo: I could use a book.

Gandalf: I need a pillow, my back is aching.

Frodo: Of course it is. You're old and senile. That can be your name! Senold!

Gandalf: -_-

Saruman: Could I have a nailfile? I've chipped one of my perfectly manicured nails.

Gandalf: (who happens to be sitting beside him) 0.0

Elrond: I need tweezers. My eyebrows are going out of shape.

Haldir: (sitting beside him) 0.0

Gimli: Food.

Gollum: Fisshhh, preciousss.

Glorfindel: …

Legolas: Here Sally, you can borrow my nailfile. (pause) Actually you can have it.

Saruman: Thank you. And don't call me that.

Arwen: Shampoo. For Aragorn.

Aragorn: I have shampoo, thank you.

Arwen: Silly.

Aragorn: -_-

Glorfindel: …

Celeborn: I want wine. And crackers.

Galadriel: No! Don't give it to him! He's addicted to wine and crackers! For the love of god DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM!!!

Stewardess: 0.0

Glorfindel: …

Gloin: Zzz.

Gimli: Food.

Haldir: Advil. Asprin. Anything. Oh, and a glass of water.

Silence.

Stewardess: (scared look) Uuuh. O.K., you want ale, mushrooms, pipeweed, (??) a book, pillow, tweezers, food, fish, shampoo, and pain killers.

Everyone nods, amazed. Except Celeborn, looking a little crazed and disgruntled.

The Stewardess leaves. Runs.

Angathol: Hey! What about us?

L.H.: Ah, we'll catch her when she comes back.

Celeborn: Need, wine, crackers.

Galadriel: Quick! Throw me some rope!

Sam rummages around in his bag and tosses Galadriel a rope. She promptly ties Celeborn to his airplane seat.

Celeborn: (struggles weakly for a minute, then grunts and stares straight ahead)

Glorfindel: …

Tomoe: For gods sake say something!

Glorfindel: …

Tomoe: (glares) Say something!

Glorfindel: …

Tomoe: (pulls out flame thrower and presses it to Glorfindel's nose) Say something or I'll blast you from here to kingdom come!

L.H.: (whispers) Tomoe, you can't do that, you'll set the whole plane on fire!

Tomoe: That's the point! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

L.H.: Tomoe, put the weapon down.

Tomoe: NO! AHAHAHA! Not until he says something!

L.H.: (whispers to Glorfindel) Just, say something! Or we're all gonna die. And then you'll never get to see Disneyworld!

Glorfindel: …

Tomoe: He's not SAYING anything!

Glorfindel: Oh, put down that bloody thing before I make you!

Tomoe: (blinks then puts down flame thrower, sits beside Glorfindel and they start having a conversation.

L.H.: (shakes head then sits down beside Angathol)

Angathol: What was that all about?

L.H.: Oh, nothing, the pyromaniac inside just resurfaced, that's all.

Angathol nods.

The Stewardess returns with a cart, full of items.

Stewardess: Ale?

Sam raises his hand.

Stewardess: Mushrooms?

A blur goes shooting past her and when its gone the mushrooms have disappeared.

Stewardess: Riiight. Pipeweed?

Merry: Woo-hoo!

Stewardess: Book?

Bilbo: Over here.

Stewardess: Pillow?

Frodo: Over here, to the old and senile guy.

Gandalf: -_-

Stewardess: Tweezers?

Elrond: (eyebrows are now all bushy) Thank you.

Eyebrows poke Haldir in the eye.

Haldir: Ow!

Stewardess: Food?

Gimli: Took you long enough.

Stewardess: Fish?

Gollum: Yes, yessss!

Stewardess: Shampoo?

Arwen: Good!

Aragorn: I don't need shampoo!

Arwen: Silly.

Stewardess: Painkillers and water?

Haldir: (eye swollen) Right here.

Stewardess: And I think that's it. (turns to Little Hobbit, Tomoe and Angathol) Do you need anything?

Tomoe: I'll have a Coke.

Stewardess: Um, I don't think we have Coke.

Tomoe: (whips out flame thrower) COKE! BAHAHAHAHA! COKE!

Chases screaming Stewardess down the aisle of the airplane.

3 hours and 3 insane Stewardesses later, the plane lands.

Pippin: Yay! We're here!

L.H.: Alright, first of all we have to rent two vans, then decide who's in what group.

~10 minutes and 2 vans later~

L.H.: O.K., the Dwarf group is, Gimli, Gloin, Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Gandalf, and Saruman. They get the red van. The Elf group is, Aragorn, Arwen, Elrond, Glorfindel, Haldir, Galadriel, Celeborn, Legolas, and Gollum. They get the green van.

Sam: How are you guys going to get around?

L.H.: Never you mind. Now go! Protest!

The two groups climb into the vans and drive away.

Little Hobbit, Tomoe and Angathol wave to the vans, then jump into a silver convertible and drive off themselves.

The Dwarf group soon arrived at the Magic Kingdom, and was trying to get in.

Disney Personnel: I'm sorry, but to get into the park you'll need a ticket.

Gimli: Well we don't have tickets!

D.P.: Then I'm sorry, but you can't get into the park.

While Gimli is arguing with the Disney Personnel, Pippin sidesteps away from the group and quickly ducks under the turnstile. Frodo Sam and Merry do the same. They run off and explore the park, the other members of the group oblivious. Gimli and the Disney Employee fought for 10 more minutes before someone intervened.

Saruman: *sigh* (goes over and pokes Disney Personnel in the eyes with his staff)

The group climbs over the turnstile and heads towards Snow White's Adventures.

The Elf group has gotten lost.

Elrond: Where are we?

Aragorn: (shifty eyes) I know where I'm going.

Legolas: Do you think we went past it?

Galadriel: Oh sure, we just happened to miss a huge red and white building with huge candy canes in front of it. (rolls eyes)

Legolas: Well so-rry!

Arwen: Pull into that gas station there and ask for directions.

Aragorn: (stares at road) I said I know where I'm going!

Arwen: Oh please! You have no idea where you are! Now stop being a man and ask for directions!

Aragorn: O.O? What? But what am I-

Celeborn: Don't do it man! Fight the Hithril Angren! I didn't and look at me!

Galadriel hits Celeborn on the head.

Celeborn: Ow! Sorry pumpkin.

Arwen: Just pull into the gas station and ask for directions.

Aragorn: But then I'll look stupid, asking where `Santa's Workshop' is! (pouts)

Haldir: Don't do it! Fight the evil!

Arwen: Shut up!

Legolas: C'mon! Don't do it for us! Except for me and Gollum, we've all fallen victim to marriage. Fight for the single guy inside!

Arwen: (rolls eyes)

Haldir: (looks at gas station) Hey wait a minute! That's not a gas station, it is Santa's Workshop!

All turn to Arwen.

Aragorn: I told you I knew where I was going!

Legolas: Hyuk hyuk? Say it Arwen! Say it!

Arwen: Heh, heh, uh. Just pull in.

The Dwarf group, minus the hobbits, has chained themselves together and then to the posts outside the ride, thus preventing people from lining up.

Disney Employee: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Gloin: What does it look like? We're protesting!

D.E.: Protesting. Against what?

Gloin: You're not very smart are you? We're protesting against stereotypical dwarves!

D.E.: They're not dwarves. (points to Gandalf Saruman and Bilbo)

Gimli: The five little ones are hobbits. The other two are wizards. They're protesting with us.

D.E.: But there's only one little person.

Gimli: What?! (groans)

Saruman: One of us should go find them. (shifty eyes)

Gandalf: Good idea. I'll go.

Saruman: Oh no you don't! It was my idea, I'll go!

Gandalf: You just want to go on all the rides!

Saruman: Oh like you weren't going to do that!

Bilbo: So what are we supposed to do? We can't just let them have fun when they're supposed to be protesting like us!

Gimli: I guess we can just tell Little Hobbit when she comes.

The Elf group has also chained themselves together, and then chained themselves to the large candy canes outside the house. Before they did so, Aragorn phoned a T.V. news place and told them that someone at Santa's Workshop was on the roof about to kill himself. They said they'd be right over.

Aragorn: Just to get publicity.

Legolas: They're gonna be surprised when they find out there's no one here trying to kill himself.

Aragorn: Who says there's no one here trying to kill themselves?

Legolas and Aragorn look around at the rest of the group.

Haldir is trying to hang himself with the chain, but its not working. Elrond pulls a gun out of his dress, er, robe, and holds it beside his head. He pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.

Elrond: Damn! Need more bullets.

Glorfindel climbs to the top of one of the giant candy canes. He then jumps off, but the chain (which is tied around his waist) is too short, and he stops, inches from the ground.

Glorfindel: -_-; Crap.

An hour later Little Hobbit hasn't shown up, therefore the Dwarf group can't tell her about the four hobbits.

Gimli: *grumble grumble*

Bilbo: X_X

Saruman: Zzz.

Gandalf: Wake up you old fart, you're drooling.

Saruman: *snort* wha?

Gimli: Where is she? We've been suffering for an hour and they've been out partying for an hour!

Gloin: She'll be here soon.

~15 minutes later~

Little Hobbit, Tomoe and Angathol walk over to the Dwarf group, each wearing Mickey ears and a sunburn. In one hand they hold a Mickey Mouse ice-cream bar and in the other they hold a hobbit by the ear, Merry was holding Pippin's hair so he couldn't escape without him.

Gimli: Excellent, you've found them!

L.H.: Yeah, I did.

Gimli: Where were they?

L.H.: They were fighting wit the employee's running Rockin' Roller Coaster because they said they were too small to ride.

Merry: That is so not fair.

Frodo: We're just as old as the other people going on that ride, probably older.

Sam: Speak for yourself.

L.H.: Whatever. Since you missed an hour and ten minutes of protesting you'll stay an hour and ten minutes after the rest of the group.

Hobbits: >.<

Little Hobbit, Tomoe and Angathol chain Frodo, then Sam, then Merry to the rest of the group. Pippin tries to run again, but Little Hobbit grabs him by the hair and chains him to the group.

L.H.: You never stop do you?

Pippin sits cross-legged, crosses his arms, scowls and shakes his head.

Tomoe: Chicken!

L.H.: 0.0

Tomoe: Shut up! I'm hungry!

Angathol: You just had a cheeseburger, a milkshake and a Mickey Mouse ice-cream bar!

L.H.: Don't worry, we'll get you some chicken after we check up on the Elf group.

Music plays as the three head over to Santa's Workshop.

L.H.: (looks at Glorfindel who's still hanging from candy cane) What are you doing?

Glorfindel: Oh nothing, just hangin' out.

L.H.: -_-; I see.

Angathol: (drooling over Legolas)

Legolas: (trying to run away, but chain's holding him back) Help. Me.

L.H.: Angathol, stop harassing the protesters!

Angathol: ^_^

Tomoe: (looks at Workshop, eye starts twitching) Too. Much. Gayness. Must. Kill!

She pulls out the flame thrower and, laughing maniacally, sets Santa's Workshop on fire.

All: 0.0;

L.H.: Let's get outta here!

Elf group takes off chains and runs back to Magic Kingdom.

They run to Snow White's Adventures and quickly unchain the Dwarf group.

Gimli: Zzz *snort* wha?

L.H.: Come on, we're getting outta here. We're on the run!

Frodo: I thought we were protesting?

Tomoe: You can stay here if you want!

Frodo: So who are we on the run from?

They run into the crowd and off to some rides where the fire department will never find them.

L.H.: Mind your business or we'll leave you as a sacrifice.

Frodo: Shutting up.

A/N: So, what did you think? I know it was longer than the last two, but you can't do anything about it.