Fan Fiction ❯ Beneath Angel's Wings ❯ Stage 3: True Confessions I ( Chapter 3 )

Proem

Longing for the truth

In words that only I can hear

Desire for a tender touch

You want it, but outside- fear

But deep within I know you need it

Just to carry on each day…

Close you eyes in peaceful sleep

As long as you want to

As long as you have to

Stay…

-Matthew Adair

***

Beneath Angel's Wings - Stage Three: "True Confessions I"

***

"C'mon Johan, get up already."

"Unhhh…"

Chris's eyes narrowed in frustration. "It's 12:30, Johan. In the afternoon."

Johan pulled the bed sheets up over his head. "It's Saturday…Just let me sleep a little more, damnit…" Sighing, Chris kneeled by the bedside, lifting the blanket enough to see Johan pressing his face into a pillow, eyes scrunched together to blot out the afternoon sunshine coming in through the window.

"Fine. I made a good breakfast, so if you don't want to haul yourself out of bed, there'll just be more for me."

"Ohh." Johan rolled his eyes, snatching the blanket back out of Chris's hand. "I'm crushed."

"Just wake up already!!" With one pull of his hand, Chris yanked the sheets out of Johan's grip, throwing them from the bed. The boy's eyes went wide in disgust, much to Johan's confusion. "You pervert!!!"

"What? I've got shorts on, what the hell's you're…" muttered Johan as he examined himself, making sure he hadn't somehow wiggled out of his clothing the previous night. Suddenly though, he stopped. Johan's eyes blinked a few times, and then turned to Chris, who had taken a few steps away from the bed. "Ahhh…that…"

"That's just sick! I can't believe you'd do something like that with a guest over!"

"Hey, look now…" Johan stammered, trying to explain himself in the least painful way possible. He never had the chance though as Chris interrupted his train of thought.

"So that's what the hell I was hearing last night…"

"So I talk in my sleep, big deal. You probably do too."

The boy's fists clenched tightly at his sides, his body tense in anger. "At least I don't moan and gasp in my sleep…"

Johan cursed himself under his breath. He'd assumed Chris couldn't hear him in the other room. Indeed, he'd almost forgotten the boy was there last night. "Ah, well…um…" he stammered, blundering his way through an answer. "Look, at least I didn't do it in front of you or something! It's not like I'm that sick…and in any case, what I do in my bedroom is my business, you got it?"

"It becomes my business when the name you're muttering in your sleep is my own."

Well damn you and your hearing then. "Seriously, I wasn't getting off thinking about you, okay? Have a little faith in me. Besides…" He raised his hands up in front of the boy, fingers spread. "Do these even look wet to you?"

Groaning in disgust, Chris smacked Johan's hands away, storming towards the bedroom door in a huff. The door slammed behind him, giving Johan a good jolt when the room seemed to shake. He studied over his hands, taking tiny licks at them, and finally shrugged. He knew what he did and didn't do last night. Chris should just learn to relax.

With a good stretch he pulled himself out of bed, grabbing the nearest article of clothing as he headed to the door.

***

"You know…" Johan raised a forkful of waffles to his mouth, savoring the sweet taste. "…You're not too shabby of a cook. I haven't had homemade waffles in years."

"Hmph."

He inhaled another bite of food, and then leaned forwards slightly to look at Chris. "Look, I'm really sorry if I pissed you off this…"

"Don't." The table shook when Chris's hands slammed down on it, knocking the fork off Johan's plate. He stood up partially, getting face to face with the young man. "I made this breakfast, and I intend to eat it and enjoy it. What I don't need is you apologizing or saying anything about how you were jacking off last night!"

"I just told you, I wasn't doing anything!" Johan protested. "I was just having a really good dream last night, that's all! Can't I enjoy a little fantasy now and then?"

"Oh, you really expect me to believe that??"

"Sheesh, give me a break." Johan's eyes rolled upwards, propping his head up with one arm. "You gotta be able to sympathize with me somehow here. I mean…haven't you ever had a dream like that? Dreaming of someone you really wanted, that you liked a lot…you know, something like that? Fantasizing about them, wanting to touch th--!"

"No!!" Chris's sudden cry jolted Johan backwards, nearly making him tip over backwards with his chair. "Why the fuck would I? I'm not some crazy pervert like you, and besides…" He turned his back to Johan as he continued. "…Even if I did, why would I tell you? If what you do in your bedroom is none of my business, then what happens in my mind is none of yours. Got it?"

Picking himself back up, Johan stood, taking a few small steps towards Chris. "Hey, look, I'm just messing around with you. I do that to everyone…just chill out and relax kid, laugh a little bit."

"Well guess what. I'm not laughing, and I don't think it's funny. I'm not a toy, and I don't like to think of anyone that way."

"I never said you…!"

"Your actions are screaming over your words, Johan." Chris started towards the apartment door. "You're quite the actor, you know that? I thought you really cared, really wanted to be a friend, when I saw that note you wrote the other night."

Johan's jaw dropped. How the hell could Chris be saying this to him? After everything he had done… "Whoa, whoa, cool the melodrama! I do care about you man, just listen to--!"

"I should of known better than to stay here." With that Chris left, throwing the door back behind him. Stunned and dazed, Johan lingered in the kitchen, frozen in a state of disbelief. What in the world could set off Chris this badly? He was just making a joke, after all. Then again…Greg had said the boy had a reputation for being unstable. Even so, even after tracing back through his words, he couldn't find anything.

He had to go find Chris though. He nearly killed himself once, after all. His wounds spoke as a poignant reminder of that. Johan abandoned the kitchen table, grabbing his coat and keys as he set of in pursuit.

***

A small car, it's age slightly noticeable by the wear on the paintjob, ground to a halt deep in downtown Crossroads. Frustrated and tired, Johan's head hit against the wheel, only to be jolted backwards again by the sudden blaring of the car horn. His search had turned up nothing. Already he'd been to over two-thirds of the sprawling city without any trace of the boy. For someone who was supposed to be some sort of infamous celebrity, Chris certainly kept a low profile.

The young man weighed his options carefully. He could continue searching the remainder of the city, but the odds were he wouldn't find anything before it got late. Besides, for all he knew, Chris could be someplace outside of town, or worse.

He shuddered to consider the thought. Surely the kid learned something from last time, right? He'd never pull anything as insane as that again, would he? Given Chris's tendency to fly off the handle though, he refused to disregard any possible conclusion.

Johan's eyes shifted to the glove compartment. He always stashed the phone the college had provided for students in there when he went out, in case of emergencies and such. While Chris probably didn't have his, he knew someone who did who might be able to help him. Sighing, he snapped open the door, starting to dial the phone as he pulled it out.

***

"Hello, Gregory Spuzowki, who is…"

"Hey, Greg, just the guy I wanted to hear!"

"…oh, hey Johan."

Johan frowned at his friend's irritation. "What the hell's your problem?"

"I'm in the middle of some very important work at the school, and I could of done without an interruption right now."

"Whatever, I need your help though. This is a life-and-death situation I'm in here!"

There was a long pause, leaving Johan anxious, not to mention confused by the wait. "…Johan, you didn't seriously try wanking off with a Chinese Finger Trap, did you?"

"Bastard!!" Johan made sure his yelling was loud and shrill enough to cause appropriate amounts of pain to Greg's ears. "Don't fucking try to screw around with me like this right now, this is serious!"

"Yeah, yeah, so's every mess you get yourself into. So what or who have you gone and done now, hua?"

"You know that Kessoku kid?"

Another long pause. Someone was going to have to do something about the lag time in Greg's brain, Johan thought to himself as he waited. "Johan, what'd you go and do to him now?"

"That's just the thing, I don't know! We got into some sort of argument this morning and he stormed off in a huff on me. I've been searching for two hours all over the city for him and no one's got a clue where he is."

"What do I look like, a radar? How the hell should I know where he's run off to?"

"Because you know more about this lunatic than I do, damnit! Now tell me, if you wanted to get away from everything, and you where Chris Kessoku, where would you go to?"

"Any place outside the city, probably, particularly by the ocean. He supposedly has this thing for the ocean, I don't know why. That's what I've gotten from interviews and such with people he knew. That's probably your best shot, Johan, alright?"

Johan leaned back in his seat, sighing in relief. "Good…hopefully you'll be right."

"Oh, and one more thing Johan."

"Hua? What's that?"

"Don't expect me to keep bailing you out if you get any deeper into this. I only know so much about Chris. You're going to have to start dealing with him on your own if you're serious about this screwball idea of yours, got it?"

He sat speechless. Since when did Greg become his parents? He had no right to be bossing him around like this… "Listen, don't be giving me another one of your lectures. I'm only one man. I can't handle everything on my own, alright?"

"You can't handle anything on your own Johan. This isn't high school anymore pal. This is the real world. You're twenty-two. You need to start managing your life without someone hanging over your shoulder to guide you all the time. Quit calling me to clean up your disasters, got it?"

"Yeah, I get the point. Goodbye, Greg." Johan mashed down the End button on his phone, tossing the device into the seat next to him. The last thing he needed right now was to be bitched at. He had a life at stake here, not to mention what remained of his good name, and he didn't have time to waste it on another of Greg's monologues. With a quick look to ensure he wouldn't be smashed by oncoming traffic, he smashed down the accelerator, racing towards the far end of town as fast as his car could carry itself.

***

Legs dangled over the sheer edge of the cliffs as Chris stared out into the sky. Once or twice before, he had considered jumping off the side, but he knew better now. Even if he would of wanted to he couldn't end it all here. He'd be stopped one way or another, and he'd be right back where he started. So instead he simply came here to escape nowadays.

It was beautiful escape. Foam sprayed upwards where the waves broke against the cliffs, and a soft breeze made the bangs that hung in front of his face sway back and forth like a child's swing set. The grass he sat on was nice; growing a bit wild the further you got from the city and the fight stadium. He could lay back here, staring up at the sky, the only sight visible the blue and the pale gray clouds. The only break in the natural scenery from that perspective was the almost infinitesimally thin thread of the Nexus Tower soaring overhead into space.

An almost perfect balance of two extremes, Chris thought to himself: the sea of water far below him, and the sea of air and space reaching higher and higher. He felt like he was flying, in a way, a thought that seemed to sever all the wires tying him back.

And yet, for once, he didn't want to. The flight was disorienting instead of soothing this time, a sensation that disrupted his view of things. Why? What had changed? Nothing had, he told himself. Things were the same as they always had been- he was alone, unable to relate to anyone. His dear Hirameki was long since gone, disappearing into the void to another life, another man, a better life than what was possible in the maddening world of Nexus. Alexi was too wrapped up in himself and his omni-directional rage to every be anything more than a housemate to him. And Johan…

He wondered to himself. Had he jumped to too hasty a conclusion? There was no evidence to him, upon further examination, that the young man was trying to deceive him. His face also bore a sort of sincerity to its shock, almost…a look of pain? How could he of hurt Johan? They barely knew each other, and there he was, standing across the table reeling in amazement at his outburst.

He made a determination right then. He'd go back to Johan and get to the bottom of all of this. He needed to know. He had to know.

But not yet. He didn't want to leave his place just yet.

***

The massive clock hanging over the entry to the arena's main tower called out its message to the bustling city. One, two, three, four o'clock. In what seemed like a poor attempt to maintain the timepiece's rhythm, Johan's foot kicked a small aluminum can across the length of the parking lot. His voice muttered out every curse he knew at everyone he could think of. They were all assholes, every last one of them for messing with him in a situation like this.

Damn them.

Damn the pricks that bottlenecked traffic on the Crossroad's Loop for holding up traffic. Damn the cop who busted him for speeding when he tried to take another route around town. "I'm fully justified!" he had cried at the officer as he stood there writing out the ticket. "That's what they all say, kid," he muttered, handing over the slip of paper, "That's what they all say." Damn Greg for taking an eternity of the phone to answer a simple question. Damn the idiot at the entrance to parking lot who bitched at him as he fumbled around looking for correct change in his wallet. Damn Greg again for that Chinese Finger Trap remark of his. Damn Chris for-

Chris for…for…

Johan stopped, letting his can roll to a stop on the asphalt. The gears within his mind ground against themselves as he searched for something to curse Chris for. Despite it all, despite the mess he had gone through that day because of the boy, he couldn't blame Chris somehow. After all, it'd been his fantasizing about the boy that had caused Chris to run off. If he hadn't acted like he did, Chris would…

Johan shook his head, rubbing his eyes to try to relieve the headache he was getting. Since when did he become so prone to guilt tripping? Especially over someone he barely even knew…

Suddenly he caught sight of a form out the corner of his eye. It was a solitary silhouette against the sky, staring out over the ocean below. He was too far to identify the figure by sight, nor see its face, but he didn't need to. He already knew what waited for him.

"Chris?"

***

Shita Tenshi no Uxingusu - Beneath Angel's Wings

***

"Chris?"

Johan approached slowly, part of him afraid to startle the boy by walking up too quickly or speaking too loudly. As he closed within a few feet, a light wind blew up, catching Chris's winding locks of blonde hair, making the curtain of gold draping down onto his back wave like the ocean he stared out silently upon.

His voice finally came, barely rising above a whisper.

"I lied."

"Hua?" Johan took a seat on the edge, a small space between him and Chris…once again, just to be safe. "What do you mean you lied?"

"At breakfast…when you asked…when you asked me if I had ever thought of someone like…" The boy's cheeks began to blush, bowing his head in embarrassment. "It was about a year or so ago. I knew this girl, and I thought…I thought she was very nice, and beautiful, and I…"

He liked to jump when he felt an arm lightly rest itself on his shoulders. He turned, and saw Johan staring back at him. The young man's eyes were deep, colored in shades and tones of a forest green. "I don't need the details Chris." Johan answered softly, a smile of hopeful kindness on his face. "It's like you said, it's none of my business."

They sat looking at each other for several minutes, neither taking their eyes off the other. Neither of them understood why, they just…they just felt as though there was nothing else there that really demanded their attention that much. Finally, Johan took a deep breath, and asked "Chris…is that why you ran off today? Because I embarrassed you?"

Chris nodded, his hair swaying back and forth with the motion. "Look…what did I tell you the other day? You can't get yourself worked up over stuff like this. It's not healthy!" A trickle of laughter slipped out from behind his light grin. "I don't want you keeling over on me now, you know? Besides, if you think I'm embarrassing…what are ya gonna do when someone tries to make out with you, hua?"

His face burning brighter, Chris joined Johan in quiet laughter, sitting a little closer to him. "Well, ah…I…I don't really know, actually. I'd hate to scare them to death by dying right as it started to get interesting, ya know?"

"You have to admit though," added Johan, starting to get carried away by the conversation, tapping a finger against his lips in mock contemplation, "It wouldn't be all that bad of a way of going out of the world, you know? Especially if you die right at the height of it all!"

They both laughed much louder that time. "But what if…" Chris sputtered out between gasps for breath, "What if the one dies before the other?"

"Then if the shock of it didn't kill me, I'd make sure to do the job myself," came Johan's answer, sticking a finger in his open mouth, doing his best look of disgust. Once their laughing subsided, Johan extended his hand to Chris. "C'mon, lets head back. It's a nice spot and all, but I'd feel a bit better if we were back someplace warmer."

"Sure," nodded Chris, letting Johan help lift him back to his feet. Just then though, he paused, causing Johan to look back at him in surprise. "Wait…can we stop by my old dorm for a minute?"

The young man blinked in surprise. "Hua? What for?"

"Mind if I stay with you for a little while? I think I could use the change of pace."

A wide smile crossed Johan's face. "No problem, kid."

***

After their trip all over the city, it felt wonderful to be home again. Johan stretched out, making sure not to smack Chris over the head as his arms swung out to either side. "Ahh, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!" he called out, a sentiment that Chris answered with a nod as he set down two suitcases of belongings. "I thought was gonna get a cramp or something if I stayed at your dorm any longer. " he went on, setting a bag down on the living room table, "I forgot how tiny those rooms were…"

A shrug from Chris came as an answer. "Never bothered me before."

"For that matter, I can't see how you can manage to survive living out of just those two bags."

"Just because you have a small library of dirty magazines and manga…" Chris called back as he stashed his belongings someplace out of the way for the time being, "…doesn't mean everyone does."

"Hey, it's a perfectly natural thing for a guy my age to own at least some porn. Hormones and all of that, after all." Johan kicked off his shoes as he answered, reclining on the sofa. Right then, it dawned on him that he tended not to keep his hentai lying around the house. "Wait…you've been rooting around in my room, haven't you?"

Returning, Chris took a seat on whatever space he could find on the sofa. "You left me here by myself with nothing to do." He quipped, slipping his feet out of his sneakers to rest them on the table. "I got bored." Realizing how he must sound to Johan, he face quickly blushed again as he added, "Not that I was reading any of them, of course."

"Of course not." Johan gave him a knowing wink, then sat back up until he was side by side with Chris. "Next time you decide to play explorer though, ask me first, okay? I don't appreciate people going through my stuff when I'm not around."

"And when you are…?"

He said nothing back at first, producing a small bottle from the bag he'd brought in with him. "Tia Maria, good stuff. Potent as hell though." Opening it, Johan took a small drink and set the bottle back on the table. "Anyway…if you feel the urge to go poking around while I'm here, just ask me and I'll help you find whatcha need. Mmmmmkay?" He flashed a wink at Chris, taking another sip.

Chris's eyes narrowed, glaring at Johan. "You're doing it again."

A hand dangled the bottle in front of Chris's face, offering the boy a drink. "You want some? Just be careful…like I said, the stuff's got a bit of kick to it."

"Yeah, sure." Chris accepted, swallowing a mouthful of alcohol, only to choke and topple forwards as it burned down his throat. "Gaahh….goddamnit…" he sputtered as Johan's hands helped him sit back again. "Ughhh…now…now before I gag again, you wanna tell me what's so funny about me that you keep laughing like that?"

"Like what?"

This was going to be harder that Chris thought. "You know what I mean…that stupid little grin or smirk or laugh you do when I say things sometimes. I know I'm not making a joke, so what's going on?"

"Alright, alright…" replied Johan, exaggerating his movements as he gathered his composure. "I'll let you in on my little secret…if you tell me about this little fight that scrambled you up so much."

"Hua?"

Johan pointed two fingers at Chris's chest, hovering the tips just over the spots where Chris's wounds were. "I'm talkin' about these, kiddo. Something tells me you don't get deep scars like that piloting a spaceship, so fess up."

"You really want to know?"

"You really want to know why I keep messing with you like this, kid?"

Chris sighed, realizing he'd get nowhere otherwise. Pulling his shirt up, he turned his back towards Johan, revealing two more scars on the opposite side of his body from the ones on his chest. "My…my god…" stammered Johan, jaw hanging down as he gently touched the wounds. "How did…?"

"I don't know." Chris shivered as Johan's fingers graced his back. "I…I was plugged into my ship through this thing I installed before the fight. Some woman who was on the Cylis…Inanis, or something they told me her name was after I came to again…attacked me. Inside the ship's computer. Again, don't ask me how, `cause I don't know."

Chris had Johan's full attention as he continued onwards. "She bound me up on this huge cross, and then…" Johan could see Chris shudder as he pulled up his memories. "…and then she stabbed me with this…lance, or something. The doctors said the shock in my brain gave me the wounds on my body."

Johan had to grip the sofa to keep from falling over, his emerald eyes wide in amazement. "Did…how did you…"

"I told you, I don't know. I blacked out after she stabbed me." Chris took another, smaller swig from the bottle to calm himself down as he spoke. "I've had the wounds ever since. I don't know how I lived through it all, but…here I am." He rested the bottle back on the table and looked up at Johan. "So that's my story."

The two sat there in silence for a long time. Chris was blank, waiting for Johan to continue onwards, but the young man was still reeling from what he'd been told. He'd underestimated Greg- Chris really was as deeply disturbed as he'd heard. All the more surreal was the fact that he was sitting here talking to someone who, by the normal rules of reality, ought to be dead. But there Chris was, very much alive as he sat on the sofa.

"Alright…" Chris sighed, finally breaking the silence. "It's…it's your turn now, Johan. So talk."

Gulping down a breath of air to sooth his nerves, Johan leaned in a little closer to Chris. "To be honest…I'm surprised you haven't figured it out by now. Especially after this morning."

"I thought I'd asked you for an answer."

"And what sort of answer do you want then, hmm?"

"Oh, I don't know…" Chris's reply had a biting tone to it, edging back from Johan, slightly uncomfortable. "A straight answer as to why you keep laughing at me would be nice."

Johan couldn't help but laugh at the boy. He really was clueless, wasn't he? Johan wanted to fall off the couch in hysterical laughter, but the sight of Chris backing up a bit was a bit too tempting. "You really are naive," he said with a smirk, leaning over the boy. His face lightly bumped up against Chris's, the soft wispiness of his breath making Chris shiver. "Then let me spell it out for you, young man. I. Like. You."

Chris's eyes struggled to stay open, shivering as Johan's breath tickled down his neck, slipping past the collar of his shirt to brush against his chest. "I like you a lot, Christopher."

And they kissed. Chris's tense body collapsed all at once, feeling Johan's body press down against his own. He didn't struggle this time, however. The sensation of Johan's lips touching his own, the young man's tongue playing with his, was amazingly soothing too him, more so than the time spent gazing into the boundless oblivion of his cliff-top perch. Almost without realizing it, he raised his arms and wrapped them around Johan, holding him close.

Johan broke their kiss softly, biting at Chris's neck with his lip. "Do you understand what I mean now, little Christopher?"

A tiny gasp escaped Chris, who shivered as Johan took more small nips at his long, thin neck. "I…I th…think so…"

A hand slid up one side of Chris's body, starting to pull up the boy's shirt. Gently rubbing his face against the steep curve at the base of Chris's neck, Johan's hand stroked the boy's chest, fingertips massaging the pale, smooth skin. Lifting his head, he was about to touch his tongue to the boy's slender body, only to be stopped when Chris lifted Johan's face from his body with a gentle movement of his hand.

"Nmm…what is it, Chrisy?" Johan gazed deep into Chris's eyes, trying to pick out why the boy would stop him from his play.

"N…not yet…"

Strangely, Johan felt no disappointment, no sadness as Chris's broken, whispered words urged him to stop. He slid up onto the boy, planting a gentle kiss on Chris's cheek. "Okay then…" whispered Johan into Chris's ear. "But you can't avoid it forever…I know you want this as badly as I do."

"I won't avoid it forever…I…I just need time…I just don't think I can handle it yet…" Chris took a deep breath, the rising of his chest making it rub against Johan's inciting a sigh from inside the both of them. "It…it'll be worth though…right?"

Johan smiled. "Of course it will, Chrisy…of course."

***

Chris's eyes opened to the darkness of Johan's room and the warmth of Johan's body against his cheek. He could feel the young man's arms holding his long, slender body close, his ears taking in the sound of Johan's heartbeat. There was no other sound except for that of Johan-Lee's breathing.

A sound that was music to Chris's ears. The answers to his questions. This is why, he told himself, he didn't want to run away again. Because this is what he wanted. The presence of another. Someone to hold him close. Someplace to go…

He closed his eyes again, pressing a tiny kiss over Johan's heart before drifting off to sleep again, one single word on his lips as the world faded away.

"Home."

***

To Be Continued…