Fan Fiction ❯ Big Brother Darunia ❯ The Saga Begins! ( Chapter 1 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
Watch in amusement as the 10 contestants move into the castle and get situated, under the watchful eye of Little Link!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 7 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
Watch in amusement as the 10 contestants move into the castle and get situated, under the watchful eye of Little Link!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 7 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA: A REALITY FAN-FIC
Written by Galaxy Girl
Show One: THE SAGA BEGINS
Our sponsors bring BIG BROTHER DARUNIA to you...
Deku Nuts: 40 Rupees
Hylian Shield: 80 Rupees
Bombchu: 200 Rupees
Triforce: Priceless...
There are some things Rupees can't buy. For everything else, there's Master Sword.
Master Sword: Accepted in dungeons everywhere.
(Scene: A small dark room. A large stack of TVs all with the "BIG BROTHER DARUNIA" logo
all plastered on them is in the back of the room. A strange remix of the Goron City song
plays from two huge speakers in the corner. Suddenly, Little Link [The Goron one] walks into the
room and up to the camera.)
LL: Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to Big Brother Darunia, the new Reality Fan
fic remake of a bad TV show that's got everybody talking! I'm your host, Little Link,
and on this fic, we've locked 10 of Hyrule's most prominent and popular citizens in Hyrule
Castle for 3 months. Every show, the producer and the contestants elects two of them to be
evicted, and you, the faithful viewers will e-mail in your votes for which you want out. Then,
on the next week's show, we let you watch the festivities as your least favorite character hits
the road! Well, except for week two when the producer decides, but anyway...
Let me explain some more about the rules and the contestants.
Here are the rules:
1. Each contestant gets one suitcase full of whatever they want to take with him or her.
2. Nobody is allowed to leave the castle grounds until the last person is gone.
3. NO OUTSIDE CONTACTS!
4. And when you e-mail in to vote out a contestant, please put "BIG BROTHER DARUNIA" in the
subject line and write who you want in your message. Please mail it to
galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
LL: Alright, now for the contestants!
1. Link: Age 17, Hero of Time
2. Zelda: Age 17, Princess of Hyrule
3. Saria: Age 17, Sage of Forest
4. Darunia: Age 45, Sage of Fire
5. Ruto: Age 17, Sage of Water
6. Impa: Age 35, Sage of Shadow
7. Nabooru: Age 30, Sage of Spirit
8. Rauru: Age 487, Sage of Light
9. Malon, Age 17, Ranch owner's daughter.
10. Ganondorf, Age 55, Evil guy
LL: OK, now this week's tapes show the contestant's own thoughts and stuff on moving
into the castle. Enjoy the show everybody!
(Scene: Outside Castle. The ten contestants stand each with a single suitcase outside
the actual castle gates. Little Link is there too, and he chats with the contestants before
they enter the castle.)
LL: OK, everyone. Remember the rules, and everybody have a good time!
(He turns around and leaves.)
Darunia: Dibs on the royal suite!
Zelda: No way! I get the royal suite! I'm royalty!
Ganondorf: (Walks up to Zelda) Well, I should get it! I after all, was royalty for a while!
(We hear a wild whoop, and a fist hits Ganon in the back of the head and he falls over flat.)
Impa: STAY AWAY FROM THE PRINCESS YOU LOUSY A@#!
(Meanwhile, Saria and Ruto are having a conversation... sort of.)
Saria: (Staring at Ruto)
Ruto: Whaddya lookin at? Haven't you ever seen a Zora?
Saria: That's not it. Your suitcase is huge! What do you have in there?
Ruto: (Looks around nervously, and opens suitcase to reveal stack of Link posters thicker
than the Watergate Case files.) It's my Link poster collection. I couldn't leave without them!
Saria: Ah, Ruto?
Ruto: I stare at them every night, and they completely cover the wall of my room, and the
ones with the mouths faded are the ones I make out with every day!
Saria: Ruto! Hello?
Ruto: And the ones with the mouths cut out are the ones I feed three times a day so my
Linky-Boy doesn't get hungry! Now, what did you want?
(Saria points behind Ruto at Link, who stands with his mouth hanging wide, open.)
Link: YOU FEED MY POSTERS?
(Rauru and Malon are talking too.)
Rauru: Do you enjoy history specials, my dear?
Malon: Not really.
Rauru: That's the trouble with youth these days! When I was your age, I was fighting in
the Great Wars of Hyrule, and I saw people die everyday! I ate bird poop when I had to, and you
don't even want to know what I drank, and I wore nothing but paper towels stapled together that
I taped to my underwear and...
(Scene: Inside the main hall of Hyrule castle. The groups are starting to dissipate into the
halls of the castle, and we start to see personal editorials from the contestants.)
Cameraperson: So, Nabooru. How did you take the time off from your Sage duties to enter this
competition?
Nabooru: We all are getting comp time for this, since it is considered a Sage duty.
Camera: Game shows are a Sage duty?
Nabooru: Shh! Don't talk about it! Rauru will come over and whine about it! It's a
clause we added to the Sage Liberation Association one-day while he was on the crapper!
Cameraperson: So I take it none of you guys like Rauru?
Nabooru: No way! He's an old windbag that does nothing but whine and order us around! A few
of the others told me they wouldn't mind seeing him dead!
(This comment becomes extremely important later in the show!)
(Scene: Royal suite. The roommates have been chosen, and Zelda and Rauru have ended up as
roomies.)
Zelda: Aww man! Why do I have to be with HIM?
Rauru: You, young lady, have extremely bad manners! In my day, princesses were graceful and
silent. They were perfect royal children, who never whined or screwed stuff up or gave all the
credit to a cute kid who supposedly saved the world when it was actually me, and...
Zelda: (sweatdrops)
(Other people are also despairing over their roommates, for at that minute, Ganon is finding out
the wrath of a motherly figure first hand.)
Impa: THIS IS FOR FOOLING THE KING! AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ZELDA RUN! AND THAT'S FOR ZELDA
AGAIN! AND THAT IS FOR TRAPPING ME IN THE SHADOW TEMPLE! AND THAT IS FOR BEING EVIL! AND THAT I
S FOR TRYING TO KILL LINK! AND THIS IS FOR TAKING OVER HYRULE! AND THIS IS FOR ZELDA ONCE AGAIN!
Ganon: OOCH! OUCH! EECH YEOUCH! YEOW! OOH, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY! OW, THAT HURTS GOSH DARNIT!
(Saria and Malon are also hard at work unpacking into their new room.)
Saria: Well. This is a nice room!
Malon: I'll say! So, what do you have in your suitcase?
Saria: Nothing much. But I have this awesome... OH NO!!!
Malon: What?
Saria: My guardian fairy! I thought I told her to stay home!
Malon: Oh...
(Saria's fairy flies out of her bag and flies around the room, screaming,
"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY LOOK! THERE! WHERE! HEY! LOOK! This is obviously a problem with fairies.)
Malon: She's ah, charming.
Saria: Hey! Now you leave Malon alone, OK? If you make a problem, you are so out of here!
Fairy: HEY LOOK! A sink! It's a nice sink, Saria! Looks like a Peerless!
HEY LOOK OVER THERE! A bathroom! It's awful small! Hey look! A toilet! It looks like you can
flush it! You must press this lever. WHOOSH! That's so cool! HEY LOOK! Those little bathroom
soaps! I ate one of those once! HEY LOOK!
(Nabooru and Ruto get used to each other in their room at this very second.)
Nabooru: So. You collect anything?
Ruto: Posters of my beloved. How about you?
Nabooru: Severed carpenter heads.
(Link and Darunia are together in their room, right next door to Ruto and Nabooru.)
Link: (Listening to Ruto talking through the wall.)
Ruto: He's so dreamy! And he saved me from inside a giant fish, and from the Water Temple,
and he's the Hero of Time, and he's SOOOOO CUTE!
Darunia: Hey, brother. What are you listening to?
Link: The girl who's stalking me at this very second!
(Suddenly, a drill bit surfaces through the wall next to Link and drills a huge hole in
the wall. Potato chips start falling in through the hole.)
Link: WHAT THE?
Ruto: (Voice) OH, there we are my beautiful little lover boy! Have a nice potato chip!
There we are! And here's a Twinkie, and a cookie, and an egg roll, and some carrot sticks!
Heroes of Time must eat their vegetables!
Link: Oh man! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE ROOM NEXT TO HER!
Ruto: OH! You're in the room next door? I'll be right over!
Link: D'OH!
(Later, the chef rings a gong and the ten contestants arrive in the dining hall for dinner.
We use this as an opportunity to interview a few of the contestants. Each of the contestants was
prepared food special from their part of the world.)
Link: (sitting down next to Zelda) Oh boy! Have I had a long night!
Zelda: Why?
Ruto: (voice) LIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKY BOY! OH MY DEAR SWEET BELOVED! YOUR FISH PRINCESS IS HERE!
(Link groans, and Ruto takes a seat next to him.)
Ruto: Shame on you, Link, for trying to hide from me! Now, what do you have for dinner?
(The chef places a huge plate of lobster before Link, and he licks his lips and ties a napkin
around his neck.)
Link: Yummy! My favorite!
Ruto: Oh, you don't mind if we share until I get my meal, do you?
Link: No, uh I guess not...
Ruto: Oh good!
(Ruto snatches the lobster and takes a huge bite off of the front, shell and all.
She chews loudly, spraying Zelda, Link and Impa across the table with bits of seafood. Link's
dinner disappears in about three bites.)
Ruto: BRAAAAAAAAP! Oh, excuse me! That was tasty Link, what did you think?
Link: It didn't seem like there was enough...
(Meanwhile, down the table, Ganondorf and Nabooru witness the divine dinner rituals of the
Goron race.)
Darunia: (Eating a rock) CRUNCH! CRUNCH! MUNCH! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE GULP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW
CHEWCHEW!
Ganon: That's disgusting!
Nabooru: I think I just lost my appetite...
Darunia: Really? Can I have it?
(He steals Nabooru's plate of chicken-fried leever and takes a tiny taste of it)
Darunia: YEECH! That's disgusting! I'd rather have a rock!
(Malon and Impa are seated to the left of Ganon, with Impa right next to the king of thieves.
They attempt to have a pleasant conversation, regardless of the bits of fish and rock flying
across the room)
Malon: So, you're a Sheikah, huh?
Impa: Yes.
Malon: I've always thought you guys were kind of well... gothic!
Ganon: (cutting in) I've always thought you were a royal pain in the butt!
(Impa thwacks him on the head with her fist, and he falls unconscious into his plate of baked
Keese snot.)
Impa: A lot of people think we're gothic, but actually, we're more of beatniks!
Malon: Ohhh! Those guys who dress all in black and drink coffee!
Impa: Yeah. We're quite poetic. Like this: Ganondorf, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...
(Ruto and Link continue their um... DATE.)
Link: At least I ordered another entrée.
Ruto: Ooooh! What is it?
(The chef puts forward a plate of delicious-looking food. At the center is a freshly
steamed trout stuffed with vegetables, with bacon-wrapped scallops and clam strips around it and
a delicate cheese/wine sauce spread over it.)
Link: Mmmmmmm...
Ruto: Mmmmmmm...
(The two eye each other, and without warning, dive for the trout. Link stabs Ruto in her eye
{The one on the side of her head} with a fork and digs in.)
Ruto: AAA! I'M THIRD EYE BLIND!
(She retaliates by bashing his head with a glass of ice water and throwing him out of his
chair. By the time Link gets up, he is drenched with cheese sauce and his dinner is gone!)
Ruto: (wiping cheese off of her face) That was delicious, sweetie! Did you order anything else?
Link: Nooo... but the broiled Zora with clam sauce is starting to sound very good...
(The chef puts a plate of worms and fish in front of Ruto, her real meal.)
Ruto: Oh, no thanks Garcon! I'm full up!
Link: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!
(Later, the groups are heading to bed, and we have a chance to interview a few of them on
their opinions about their roommates.)
(Malon is in a small, soundproof booth, voicing her opinion on her roommate.)
Malon: Well, don't get me wrong! Saria is a really great person. I think we can share a lot of
things that we have in common, but there's just one tiny problem with her...
(Video cut to a film of Malon watching TV in her room.)
Saria's Fairy: Hey look! That's a good show there! I watch that all the time! HEY LOOK!
They have HBO! Let's watch some HBO Malon! Come on! I like HBO! Look! They're playing
The Shining! I like that movie! Let's watch it! HEY LOOK! They have Cartoon Network! That's even
better! My favorite show is the Cow and the Chicken! And IT'S ON! Let's watch it Malon,
can we please? Come on Malon! This is an awesome channel! HEY LOOK! An animal program on
horses! You like horses, right? I LOVE HORSES! But Saria never gets to ride horses cause she's a
Sage and she's not supposed to leave the Temple but she does anyway cause she's a cheat but
she's not as bad a Ruto cause Ruto sneaks out at night to watch Link in his sleep and Navi
told me that Link really hates Ruto but she's really in love with him and he hates her and
that's a problem cause Ruto disobeys her Sage duties to go see him and he hates her and she can
get her Sage license revoked for that! Because Sages aren't supposed to leave the Temple that
they belong in but they do anyway cause it's a stupid rule that Rauru made up and he's a stinky
old fart and he hates us all because he says we're not really Sages and we're just sorry excuses
and actually, I'm not really a Sage because I'm just Saria's fairy and Saria is a Sage but I
think that should count because I'm her guardian fairy and I'm with her all the time and I'm
really really close to her and we're best friends, we really really are!
Hellooo? Malon? Are you awake? HEY! HELLOOOOOO?
(Next, Nabooru is brought in to give the camera the scoop on her roommate Ruto.)
Nabooru: I've known Ruto for a while, but I never knew she was this weird! I mean really!
The other day...
(Video cut to Nabooru walking through the castle hallway to her room carrying a bowl of ice
cream.)
Nabooru: Oh, this "Ice Cream" stuff is so good! I must tell my Gerudo sisters about it!
(Nabooru opens the door to her room and drops the ice cream in shock.)
Nabooru: HOLY CRAP? WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE ANCIENT SAGES ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN?
(We see Ruto dressed in a tight red gown making out with a giant life sized Link mannequin on
Nabooru's bed.)
Ruto: Ohhh Link...
(Back to Nabooru's interview)
Nabooru: (Shudders) That was just plain nasty!
(Cut to Darunia's Room. Link and him are preparing for bed. Link is wearing a big cotton night
tunic and a pair of bunny slippers, and Darunia is wearing giant red footy pajamas.)
Darunia: So, Link. What's with this Ruto girl?
Link: She's an absolute freak and she's in love with me, but I hate her.
Darunia: Ah, love... I'm SO glad that I don't have any girls in my life!
(Suddenly, a pile of junk food falls through the hole in the wall behind Ruto's feeding
poster and into a metal bucket that Link had placed strategically beneath it.)
Link: Yo, 'Runia! Want a midnight snack?
Darunia: I'll take a Twinkie!
(Cut to video of Link talking about his unwanted admirer.)
Link: I appreciate Ruto's love for me... I also despise it. I mean, really! She's obsessed!
This is ri-gosh-darn-diculous! I mean really! You could feed half the land of Hyrule with all
the food she's put through the wall! I saved her from Jabu-Jabu, but if I had a chance to do it
again... I hate to say it, but I definitely would not do it again!
(We hear Link's voice as we view a video clip from earlier that day. Link is combing his hair
in the mirror and suddenly, he sees Ruto pop her head up from inside the shower. He screams,
slips on the shaving cream he accidentally spilled on the ground, and knocks himself unconscious
on the bathtub.)
Link: We're just not meant to be! I thought I was free when she became the Sage of Water,
but nooo! Some idiot with a computer and a sick sense of humor has to torture me further by
putting me in a stupid game show reality fan fiction!
{I am not an idiot, you stupid freak! I'll fix you!}
(Camera shifts back to Link in interview room. Link yammers on some more, and his tunic
transforms into a pink poodle skirt with a giant embroidering of the purple Teletubby and an
"I love Princess Ruto" bumper sticker on it.)
Link: I can't help but get the feeling Saria and the others are laughing at me because of this
predicament!
(He walks out of interview room in his poodle skirt, and appears not to notice his new style.)
(Camera shows Ganondorf in the interview room. He has a Kleenex stuffed in his nose, sopping
with blood and a black eye.)
Ganondorf: Impa? Well, what can I say about her?
(We hear Ganon's voice as we watch film clips of Impa and Ganondorf on the first day.)
Ganondorf: She's unlike any girl I've ever met! She's... incredible!
(Impa is watching TV with Zelda, Ganon approaches couch and Impa punches him in the nose.)
Ganon: She has such a sweet disposition! She wouldn't hurt a fly!
(We see Impa gently releasing a spider into the garden outside. Ganon walks up. She kicks him in
the groin and runs inside.)
Ganon: And I really don't know how to say this... but Impa's the most beautiful girl I've
ever met!
(We see Ganondorf sneaking into the room after being out late. Impa appears in a guacamole
mud mask and big ugly curlers in her hair, pouring a pot of coffee and grunting. She takes one
look at him, he faints, and she says, "Jeez! What's a matter?")
Ganon: I think that I'm really, really in love with her...
(Impa opens the door to the interview room boiling and seething with anger.)
Impa: GANONDORF! What's this the Princess tells me about you putting dead frogs in her sheets?
Ganon: It was just a joke!
(Impa runs over, turns the camera away from the King of Evil, and we hear shrieks and groans and
fists hitting flesh.)
(Scene: The main hall. Little Link has arrived at the castle for the first nominations for
evictions.)
LL: Quiet everyone! (Darunia continues laughing loudly at a bad joke by Malon.) You too, dad!
Darunia: Sorry son...
LL: Alright everyone! The author has spoken! Now, in this envelope are the names of two people.
One of you will be kicked out of the house next week. It all depends on our lovely readers, who
must vote on who will be next to go.
(LL opens envelope and attempts to read names.)
LL: And the nominees are... hold on! I can't read this! Who wrote this? This looks like a piece
of toilet tissue! Come on people, how am I supposed to read the names on national internet if
they were written by my dad?
(A stage crew person runs out and reads the names silently. He shrugs, and two more come out.
Finally, the group is able to decipher the writing.)
LL: The nominees are... Nabooru and Saria's Fairy!
Nabooru: I demand a recount! That chad is obviously dimpled!
Ganondorf: Yeah! It can't be accepted!
Link: No way! That's a pregnant chad if I ever saw one!
Malon: As if! It's not even marked!
Darunia: Are you sure it's not hanging?
Ruto: It's fully attached, stupid!
Rauru: I can't believe this! Only in Hyrule could this primitive of a voting system exist!
Zelda: You do better, @&#$!
Impa: Zelda! Don't cuss!
Zelda: I can't help it! He's being an #*%&$!
Rauru: Am not, you %*^&!
Link: Don't insult the princess you stupid old %*^*$!
Ruto: LINK! DON'T USE THAT WORD!
Link: Shut up you stupid %&^*#! I am not your fiancé!
Ruto: BUT LINK! I THOUGHT YOU LOOOOOOOOOVED ME! DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE
THIS, YOU TERRIBLE $&%^##@*$@$(!($#@*@&@#!
Saria: Hey wait a second! My fairy isn't even a contestant! Therefore, she cannot be evicted!
(The argument stops.)
Darunia: Hey! That's right!
LL: That's it! Alright, who voted for Saria's fairy?
(Eyes wander around the room, and Malon raises her hand weakly.)
LL: Malon? You voted for Saria's Fairy? How could you do such a heartless thing?
Saria's Fairy: Yeah Malon! I'm not even a contestant so you can't vote me out even though you
might really want to and I can't see why you'd want to cause I'm such an adorable little
sugarpie, and I'm quiet and gentle and I never ever yammer on and on and on and on like some
OTHER annoying guardian fairies I know of and I'm like your best friend Malon and I can't believe
you would ever do something like this to me because I'm so cute and sweet and pretty and I glow
in the dark and I am nice to talk to and I never ever never ever ever get annoying, right?
LL: I'm sorry Malon, but Code #46583473847483929 of the Big Brother Darunia Game Show Reality
Fan Fiction states that voting for a non-existent contestant is illegal.
Malon: I know. In fact, I'll make up for my deceit by volunteering to be the second nominee!
LL: Why, thank you Malon! That's wonderful! Now we only need to solve the other argument...
Nabooru: DIMPLED!
Link: PREGNANT!
Darunia: HANGING!
Ruto: IT'S ATTACHED YOU MORON!
Zelda: RAURU, YOU STUPID #$&$%!
Rauru: $@#&@&%$#&%$#(%&$@#!(%&@#(!&%$#^@%^!&%^@!%& #!^%$@&!%#^@&%^@#&%#@^!%&#@%^#@&%^#@!%!
Zelda: #&@$^@^!%#@&!%&@!%*@#!*%&@!%*#@*!%&@#%&@#!*%@#& !%^!@%$&~!$^~%^#@&%!^%#@&!#%^&@!^%#@&!%^
@!&@#% !@%^!@&%@#^!^%#@!&%#&!!!
(Pots and pans and furniture start to fly across the room and Little Link sighs to the camera.
All the contestants get into a giant fistfight, and poor LL tries to yell over the carnage.)
LL: I'm sorry, people! Anyway, next week on BIG BROTHER, we'll find out who you the readers
voted to be evicted from the castle. E-mail the high and mighty author at
galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com and vote for your least favorite character. Who will it be?
Nabooru, the Gerudo queen and the Sage of Spirit, or Malon, the rancher, horse trainer and
daughter of Talon? Tune in next week to find out. And remember! Big Brother Darunia...
Darunia: (Breaks out of giant fistfight and speaks into the camera.)
HE'S WATCHING YOU!
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MASTER SWORD: WEAPON OF A NEW GENERATION AND A NEW MILLENIUM!
There are some things Rupees can't buy... for everything else; there's Master Sword.
________________________________________________________________ ___________
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THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TM of Nintendo of America.
These characters are being used for entertainment purposes only. No infringement of copyright
was intended.
THIS GAME HAS BEEN SCREWED UP BY:
Galaxy Girl!
Questions, comments, R&R can be sent to:
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
http://www.angelfire.com/co3/ kellcomix- PLANET UNIVERSE COMIX CO.
Galaxy Girl: President and Webmaster.
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the World with Cheapo Comic Books!
Written by Galaxy Girl
Show One: THE SAGA BEGINS
Our sponsors bring BIG BROTHER DARUNIA to you...
Deku Nuts: 40 Rupees
Hylian Shield: 80 Rupees
Bombchu: 200 Rupees
Triforce: Priceless...
There are some things Rupees can't buy. For everything else, there's Master Sword.
Master Sword: Accepted in dungeons everywhere.
(Scene: A small dark room. A large stack of TVs all with the "BIG BROTHER DARUNIA" logo
all plastered on them is in the back of the room. A strange remix of the Goron City song
plays from two huge speakers in the corner. Suddenly, Little Link [The Goron one] walks into the
room and up to the camera.)
LL: Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to Big Brother Darunia, the new Reality Fan
fic remake of a bad TV show that's got everybody talking! I'm your host, Little Link,
and on this fic, we've locked 10 of Hyrule's most prominent and popular citizens in Hyrule
Castle for 3 months. Every show, the producer and the contestants elects two of them to be
evicted, and you, the faithful viewers will e-mail in your votes for which you want out. Then,
on the next week's show, we let you watch the festivities as your least favorite character hits
the road! Well, except for week two when the producer decides, but anyway...
Let me explain some more about the rules and the contestants.
Here are the rules:
1. Each contestant gets one suitcase full of whatever they want to take with him or her.
2. Nobody is allowed to leave the castle grounds until the last person is gone.
3. NO OUTSIDE CONTACTS!
4. And when you e-mail in to vote out a contestant, please put "BIG BROTHER DARUNIA" in the
subject line and write who you want in your message. Please mail it to
galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
LL: Alright, now for the contestants!
1. Link: Age 17, Hero of Time
2. Zelda: Age 17, Princess of Hyrule
3. Saria: Age 17, Sage of Forest
4. Darunia: Age 45, Sage of Fire
5. Ruto: Age 17, Sage of Water
6. Impa: Age 35, Sage of Shadow
7. Nabooru: Age 30, Sage of Spirit
8. Rauru: Age 487, Sage of Light
9. Malon, Age 17, Ranch owner's daughter.
10. Ganondorf, Age 55, Evil guy
LL: OK, now this week's tapes show the contestant's own thoughts and stuff on moving
into the castle. Enjoy the show everybody!
(Scene: Outside Castle. The ten contestants stand each with a single suitcase outside
the actual castle gates. Little Link is there too, and he chats with the contestants before
they enter the castle.)
LL: OK, everyone. Remember the rules, and everybody have a good time!
(He turns around and leaves.)
Darunia: Dibs on the royal suite!
Zelda: No way! I get the royal suite! I'm royalty!
Ganondorf: (Walks up to Zelda) Well, I should get it! I after all, was royalty for a while!
(We hear a wild whoop, and a fist hits Ganon in the back of the head and he falls over flat.)
Impa: STAY AWAY FROM THE PRINCESS YOU LOUSY A@#!
(Meanwhile, Saria and Ruto are having a conversation... sort of.)
Saria: (Staring at Ruto)
Ruto: Whaddya lookin at? Haven't you ever seen a Zora?
Saria: That's not it. Your suitcase is huge! What do you have in there?
Ruto: (Looks around nervously, and opens suitcase to reveal stack of Link posters thicker
than the Watergate Case files.) It's my Link poster collection. I couldn't leave without them!
Saria: Ah, Ruto?
Ruto: I stare at them every night, and they completely cover the wall of my room, and the
ones with the mouths faded are the ones I make out with every day!
Saria: Ruto! Hello?
Ruto: And the ones with the mouths cut out are the ones I feed three times a day so my
Linky-Boy doesn't get hungry! Now, what did you want?
(Saria points behind Ruto at Link, who stands with his mouth hanging wide, open.)
Link: YOU FEED MY POSTERS?
(Rauru and Malon are talking too.)
Rauru: Do you enjoy history specials, my dear?
Malon: Not really.
Rauru: That's the trouble with youth these days! When I was your age, I was fighting in
the Great Wars of Hyrule, and I saw people die everyday! I ate bird poop when I had to, and you
don't even want to know what I drank, and I wore nothing but paper towels stapled together that
I taped to my underwear and...
(Scene: Inside the main hall of Hyrule castle. The groups are starting to dissipate into the
halls of the castle, and we start to see personal editorials from the contestants.)
Cameraperson: So, Nabooru. How did you take the time off from your Sage duties to enter this
competition?
Nabooru: We all are getting comp time for this, since it is considered a Sage duty.
Camera: Game shows are a Sage duty?
Nabooru: Shh! Don't talk about it! Rauru will come over and whine about it! It's a
clause we added to the Sage Liberation Association one-day while he was on the crapper!
Cameraperson: So I take it none of you guys like Rauru?
Nabooru: No way! He's an old windbag that does nothing but whine and order us around! A few
of the others told me they wouldn't mind seeing him dead!
(This comment becomes extremely important later in the show!)
(Scene: Royal suite. The roommates have been chosen, and Zelda and Rauru have ended up as
roomies.)
Zelda: Aww man! Why do I have to be with HIM?
Rauru: You, young lady, have extremely bad manners! In my day, princesses were graceful and
silent. They were perfect royal children, who never whined or screwed stuff up or gave all the
credit to a cute kid who supposedly saved the world when it was actually me, and...
Zelda: (sweatdrops)
(Other people are also despairing over their roommates, for at that minute, Ganon is finding out
the wrath of a motherly figure first hand.)
Impa: THIS IS FOR FOOLING THE KING! AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ZELDA RUN! AND THAT'S FOR ZELDA
AGAIN! AND THAT IS FOR TRAPPING ME IN THE SHADOW TEMPLE! AND THAT IS FOR BEING EVIL! AND THAT I
S FOR TRYING TO KILL LINK! AND THIS IS FOR TAKING OVER HYRULE! AND THIS IS FOR ZELDA ONCE AGAIN!
Ganon: OOCH! OUCH! EECH YEOUCH! YEOW! OOH, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY! OW, THAT HURTS GOSH DARNIT!
(Saria and Malon are also hard at work unpacking into their new room.)
Saria: Well. This is a nice room!
Malon: I'll say! So, what do you have in your suitcase?
Saria: Nothing much. But I have this awesome... OH NO!!!
Malon: What?
Saria: My guardian fairy! I thought I told her to stay home!
Malon: Oh...
(Saria's fairy flies out of her bag and flies around the room, screaming,
"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY LOOK! THERE! WHERE! HEY! LOOK! This is obviously a problem with fairies.)
Malon: She's ah, charming.
Saria: Hey! Now you leave Malon alone, OK? If you make a problem, you are so out of here!
Fairy: HEY LOOK! A sink! It's a nice sink, Saria! Looks like a Peerless!
HEY LOOK OVER THERE! A bathroom! It's awful small! Hey look! A toilet! It looks like you can
flush it! You must press this lever. WHOOSH! That's so cool! HEY LOOK! Those little bathroom
soaps! I ate one of those once! HEY LOOK!
(Nabooru and Ruto get used to each other in their room at this very second.)
Nabooru: So. You collect anything?
Ruto: Posters of my beloved. How about you?
Nabooru: Severed carpenter heads.
(Link and Darunia are together in their room, right next door to Ruto and Nabooru.)
Link: (Listening to Ruto talking through the wall.)
Ruto: He's so dreamy! And he saved me from inside a giant fish, and from the Water Temple,
and he's the Hero of Time, and he's SOOOOO CUTE!
Darunia: Hey, brother. What are you listening to?
Link: The girl who's stalking me at this very second!
(Suddenly, a drill bit surfaces through the wall next to Link and drills a huge hole in
the wall. Potato chips start falling in through the hole.)
Link: WHAT THE?
Ruto: (Voice) OH, there we are my beautiful little lover boy! Have a nice potato chip!
There we are! And here's a Twinkie, and a cookie, and an egg roll, and some carrot sticks!
Heroes of Time must eat their vegetables!
Link: Oh man! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE ROOM NEXT TO HER!
Ruto: OH! You're in the room next door? I'll be right over!
Link: D'OH!
(Later, the chef rings a gong and the ten contestants arrive in the dining hall for dinner.
We use this as an opportunity to interview a few of the contestants. Each of the contestants was
prepared food special from their part of the world.)
Link: (sitting down next to Zelda) Oh boy! Have I had a long night!
Zelda: Why?
Ruto: (voice) LIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKY BOY! OH MY DEAR SWEET BELOVED! YOUR FISH PRINCESS IS HERE!
(Link groans, and Ruto takes a seat next to him.)
Ruto: Shame on you, Link, for trying to hide from me! Now, what do you have for dinner?
(The chef places a huge plate of lobster before Link, and he licks his lips and ties a napkin
around his neck.)
Link: Yummy! My favorite!
Ruto: Oh, you don't mind if we share until I get my meal, do you?
Link: No, uh I guess not...
Ruto: Oh good!
(Ruto snatches the lobster and takes a huge bite off of the front, shell and all.
She chews loudly, spraying Zelda, Link and Impa across the table with bits of seafood. Link's
dinner disappears in about three bites.)
Ruto: BRAAAAAAAAP! Oh, excuse me! That was tasty Link, what did you think?
Link: It didn't seem like there was enough...
(Meanwhile, down the table, Ganondorf and Nabooru witness the divine dinner rituals of the
Goron race.)
Darunia: (Eating a rock) CRUNCH! CRUNCH! MUNCH! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE GULP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW
CHEWCHEW!
Ganon: That's disgusting!
Nabooru: I think I just lost my appetite...
Darunia: Really? Can I have it?
(He steals Nabooru's plate of chicken-fried leever and takes a tiny taste of it)
Darunia: YEECH! That's disgusting! I'd rather have a rock!
(Malon and Impa are seated to the left of Ganon, with Impa right next to the king of thieves.
They attempt to have a pleasant conversation, regardless of the bits of fish and rock flying
across the room)
Malon: So, you're a Sheikah, huh?
Impa: Yes.
Malon: I've always thought you guys were kind of well... gothic!
Ganon: (cutting in) I've always thought you were a royal pain in the butt!
(Impa thwacks him on the head with her fist, and he falls unconscious into his plate of baked
Keese snot.)
Impa: A lot of people think we're gothic, but actually, we're more of beatniks!
Malon: Ohhh! Those guys who dress all in black and drink coffee!
Impa: Yeah. We're quite poetic. Like this: Ganondorf, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...
(Ruto and Link continue their um... DATE.)
Link: At least I ordered another entrée.
Ruto: Ooooh! What is it?
(The chef puts forward a plate of delicious-looking food. At the center is a freshly
steamed trout stuffed with vegetables, with bacon-wrapped scallops and clam strips around it and
a delicate cheese/wine sauce spread over it.)
Link: Mmmmmmm...
Ruto: Mmmmmmm...
(The two eye each other, and without warning, dive for the trout. Link stabs Ruto in her eye
{The one on the side of her head} with a fork and digs in.)
Ruto: AAA! I'M THIRD EYE BLIND!
(She retaliates by bashing his head with a glass of ice water and throwing him out of his
chair. By the time Link gets up, he is drenched with cheese sauce and his dinner is gone!)
Ruto: (wiping cheese off of her face) That was delicious, sweetie! Did you order anything else?
Link: Nooo... but the broiled Zora with clam sauce is starting to sound very good...
(The chef puts a plate of worms and fish in front of Ruto, her real meal.)
Ruto: Oh, no thanks Garcon! I'm full up!
Link: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!
(Later, the groups are heading to bed, and we have a chance to interview a few of them on
their opinions about their roommates.)
(Malon is in a small, soundproof booth, voicing her opinion on her roommate.)
Malon: Well, don't get me wrong! Saria is a really great person. I think we can share a lot of
things that we have in common, but there's just one tiny problem with her...
(Video cut to a film of Malon watching TV in her room.)
Saria's Fairy: Hey look! That's a good show there! I watch that all the time! HEY LOOK!
They have HBO! Let's watch some HBO Malon! Come on! I like HBO! Look! They're playing
The Shining! I like that movie! Let's watch it! HEY LOOK! They have Cartoon Network! That's even
better! My favorite show is the Cow and the Chicken! And IT'S ON! Let's watch it Malon,
can we please? Come on Malon! This is an awesome channel! HEY LOOK! An animal program on
horses! You like horses, right? I LOVE HORSES! But Saria never gets to ride horses cause she's a
Sage and she's not supposed to leave the Temple but she does anyway cause she's a cheat but
she's not as bad a Ruto cause Ruto sneaks out at night to watch Link in his sleep and Navi
told me that Link really hates Ruto but she's really in love with him and he hates her and
that's a problem cause Ruto disobeys her Sage duties to go see him and he hates her and she can
get her Sage license revoked for that! Because Sages aren't supposed to leave the Temple that
they belong in but they do anyway cause it's a stupid rule that Rauru made up and he's a stinky
old fart and he hates us all because he says we're not really Sages and we're just sorry excuses
and actually, I'm not really a Sage because I'm just Saria's fairy and Saria is a Sage but I
think that should count because I'm her guardian fairy and I'm with her all the time and I'm
really really close to her and we're best friends, we really really are!
Hellooo? Malon? Are you awake? HEY! HELLOOOOOO?
(Next, Nabooru is brought in to give the camera the scoop on her roommate Ruto.)
Nabooru: I've known Ruto for a while, but I never knew she was this weird! I mean really!
The other day...
(Video cut to Nabooru walking through the castle hallway to her room carrying a bowl of ice
cream.)
Nabooru: Oh, this "Ice Cream" stuff is so good! I must tell my Gerudo sisters about it!
(Nabooru opens the door to her room and drops the ice cream in shock.)
Nabooru: HOLY CRAP? WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE ANCIENT SAGES ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN?
(We see Ruto dressed in a tight red gown making out with a giant life sized Link mannequin on
Nabooru's bed.)
Ruto: Ohhh Link...
(Back to Nabooru's interview)
Nabooru: (Shudders) That was just plain nasty!
(Cut to Darunia's Room. Link and him are preparing for bed. Link is wearing a big cotton night
tunic and a pair of bunny slippers, and Darunia is wearing giant red footy pajamas.)
Darunia: So, Link. What's with this Ruto girl?
Link: She's an absolute freak and she's in love with me, but I hate her.
Darunia: Ah, love... I'm SO glad that I don't have any girls in my life!
(Suddenly, a pile of junk food falls through the hole in the wall behind Ruto's feeding
poster and into a metal bucket that Link had placed strategically beneath it.)
Link: Yo, 'Runia! Want a midnight snack?
Darunia: I'll take a Twinkie!
(Cut to video of Link talking about his unwanted admirer.)
Link: I appreciate Ruto's love for me... I also despise it. I mean, really! She's obsessed!
This is ri-gosh-darn-diculous! I mean really! You could feed half the land of Hyrule with all
the food she's put through the wall! I saved her from Jabu-Jabu, but if I had a chance to do it
again... I hate to say it, but I definitely would not do it again!
(We hear Link's voice as we view a video clip from earlier that day. Link is combing his hair
in the mirror and suddenly, he sees Ruto pop her head up from inside the shower. He screams,
slips on the shaving cream he accidentally spilled on the ground, and knocks himself unconscious
on the bathtub.)
Link: We're just not meant to be! I thought I was free when she became the Sage of Water,
but nooo! Some idiot with a computer and a sick sense of humor has to torture me further by
putting me in a stupid game show reality fan fiction!
{I am not an idiot, you stupid freak! I'll fix you!}
(Camera shifts back to Link in interview room. Link yammers on some more, and his tunic
transforms into a pink poodle skirt with a giant embroidering of the purple Teletubby and an
"I love Princess Ruto" bumper sticker on it.)
Link: I can't help but get the feeling Saria and the others are laughing at me because of this
predicament!
(He walks out of interview room in his poodle skirt, and appears not to notice his new style.)
(Camera shows Ganondorf in the interview room. He has a Kleenex stuffed in his nose, sopping
with blood and a black eye.)
Ganondorf: Impa? Well, what can I say about her?
(We hear Ganon's voice as we watch film clips of Impa and Ganondorf on the first day.)
Ganondorf: She's unlike any girl I've ever met! She's... incredible!
(Impa is watching TV with Zelda, Ganon approaches couch and Impa punches him in the nose.)
Ganon: She has such a sweet disposition! She wouldn't hurt a fly!
(We see Impa gently releasing a spider into the garden outside. Ganon walks up. She kicks him in
the groin and runs inside.)
Ganon: And I really don't know how to say this... but Impa's the most beautiful girl I've
ever met!
(We see Ganondorf sneaking into the room after being out late. Impa appears in a guacamole
mud mask and big ugly curlers in her hair, pouring a pot of coffee and grunting. She takes one
look at him, he faints, and she says, "Jeez! What's a matter?")
Ganon: I think that I'm really, really in love with her...
(Impa opens the door to the interview room boiling and seething with anger.)
Impa: GANONDORF! What's this the Princess tells me about you putting dead frogs in her sheets?
Ganon: It was just a joke!
(Impa runs over, turns the camera away from the King of Evil, and we hear shrieks and groans and
fists hitting flesh.)
(Scene: The main hall. Little Link has arrived at the castle for the first nominations for
evictions.)
LL: Quiet everyone! (Darunia continues laughing loudly at a bad joke by Malon.) You too, dad!
Darunia: Sorry son...
LL: Alright everyone! The author has spoken! Now, in this envelope are the names of two people.
One of you will be kicked out of the house next week. It all depends on our lovely readers, who
must vote on who will be next to go.
(LL opens envelope and attempts to read names.)
LL: And the nominees are... hold on! I can't read this! Who wrote this? This looks like a piece
of toilet tissue! Come on people, how am I supposed to read the names on national internet if
they were written by my dad?
(A stage crew person runs out and reads the names silently. He shrugs, and two more come out.
Finally, the group is able to decipher the writing.)
LL: The nominees are... Nabooru and Saria's Fairy!
Nabooru: I demand a recount! That chad is obviously dimpled!
Ganondorf: Yeah! It can't be accepted!
Link: No way! That's a pregnant chad if I ever saw one!
Malon: As if! It's not even marked!
Darunia: Are you sure it's not hanging?
Ruto: It's fully attached, stupid!
Rauru: I can't believe this! Only in Hyrule could this primitive of a voting system exist!
Zelda: You do better, @&#$!
Impa: Zelda! Don't cuss!
Zelda: I can't help it! He's being an #*%&$!
Rauru: Am not, you %*^&!
Link: Don't insult the princess you stupid old %*^*$!
Ruto: LINK! DON'T USE THAT WORD!
Link: Shut up you stupid %&^*#! I am not your fiancé!
Ruto: BUT LINK! I THOUGHT YOU LOOOOOOOOOVED ME! DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE
THIS, YOU TERRIBLE $&%^##@*$@$(!($#@*@&@#!
Saria: Hey wait a second! My fairy isn't even a contestant! Therefore, she cannot be evicted!
(The argument stops.)
Darunia: Hey! That's right!
LL: That's it! Alright, who voted for Saria's fairy?
(Eyes wander around the room, and Malon raises her hand weakly.)
LL: Malon? You voted for Saria's Fairy? How could you do such a heartless thing?
Saria's Fairy: Yeah Malon! I'm not even a contestant so you can't vote me out even though you
might really want to and I can't see why you'd want to cause I'm such an adorable little
sugarpie, and I'm quiet and gentle and I never ever yammer on and on and on and on like some
OTHER annoying guardian fairies I know of and I'm like your best friend Malon and I can't believe
you would ever do something like this to me because I'm so cute and sweet and pretty and I glow
in the dark and I am nice to talk to and I never ever never ever ever get annoying, right?
LL: I'm sorry Malon, but Code #46583473847483929 of the Big Brother Darunia Game Show Reality
Fan Fiction states that voting for a non-existent contestant is illegal.
Malon: I know. In fact, I'll make up for my deceit by volunteering to be the second nominee!
LL: Why, thank you Malon! That's wonderful! Now we only need to solve the other argument...
Nabooru: DIMPLED!
Link: PREGNANT!
Darunia: HANGING!
Ruto: IT'S ATTACHED YOU MORON!
Zelda: RAURU, YOU STUPID #$&$%!
Rauru: $@#&@&%$#&%$#(%&$@#!(%&@#(!&%$#^@%^!&%^@!%& #!^%$@&!%#^@&%^@#&%#@^!%&#@%^#@&%^#@!%!
Zelda: #&@$^@^!%#@&!%&@!%*@#!*%&@!%*#@*!%&@#%&@#!*%@#& !%^!@%$&~!$^~%^#@&%!^%#@&!#%^&@!^%#@&!%^
@!&@#% !@%^!@&%@#^!^%#@!&%#&!!!
(Pots and pans and furniture start to fly across the room and Little Link sighs to the camera.
All the contestants get into a giant fistfight, and poor LL tries to yell over the carnage.)
LL: I'm sorry, people! Anyway, next week on BIG BROTHER, we'll find out who you the readers
voted to be evicted from the castle. E-mail the high and mighty author at
galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com and vote for your least favorite character. Who will it be?
Nabooru, the Gerudo queen and the Sage of Spirit, or Malon, the rancher, horse trainer and
daughter of Talon? Tune in next week to find out. And remember! Big Brother Darunia...
Darunia: (Breaks out of giant fistfight and speaks into the camera.)
HE'S WATCHING YOU!
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MASTER SWORD: WEAPON OF A NEW GENERATION AND A NEW MILLENIUM!
There are some things Rupees can't buy... for everything else; there's Master Sword.
________________________________________________________________ ___________
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THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TM of Nintendo of America.
These characters are being used for entertainment purposes only. No infringement of copyright
was intended.
THIS GAME HAS BEEN SCREWED UP BY:
Galaxy Girl!
Questions, comments, R&R can be sent to:
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
http://www.angelfire.com/co3/ kellcomix- PLANET UNIVERSE COMIX CO.
Galaxy Girl: President and Webmaster.
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the World with Cheapo Comic Books!