Fan Fiction ❯ Big Brother Darunia ❯ Love Stinks! ( Chapter 3 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
Ganondorf decides to profess his undying love to Impa, while Saria and her fairy decide to help Ruto get over her lust for Link!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 10 | Words: 4.8K | Visits: 909 | Status: Completed
Ganondorf decides to profess his undying love to Impa, while Saria and her fairy decide to help Ruto get over her lust for Link!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 10 | Words: 4.8K | Visits: 909 | Status: Completed
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA: Show Three
Love Stinks
By Galaxy Girl
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(Scene: Big Brother Title TV room. The Goron city song plays, and our favorite little host,
Little Link walks in.)
LL: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to Big Brother Darunia, the reality fan fiction series that
was voted number one last week on www.thisstuffsucks.com (not really)! Last week, a horrible
crime occurred, leaving us without our senior contestant, Rauru the Sage. We have received an
update from the Hyrule National Medical Center that Rauru is going to recover with no problems!
He has, however awakened from his coma with a severe case of amnesia. According to Dr. Nuts, they
are attempting to replace his memory with that of Elvis Presley. His attacker, the deranged guy
from the windmill, now known as "Mr. Monkeypoop" has been sentenced to life in prison with no
parole and will receive the "Hanson Penalty" twice a day for the rest of his miserable existence.
Anyway, this week, the group has been locked in the castle for almost three whole weeks.
Almost everyone has developed opinions on every other contestant, and we are goin to share them
with you through personal interviews and brilliant filming. So, enough chitchat. Let's get
to the show!
(Scene: Hallway. Link is on his way to the garden at 12:00 at night.)
Cameraperson: So, Link. WHY again are you going out there?
Link: Today at breakfast, I got a note from a secret admirer. They told me to meet them
outside at midnight tonight. I can't wait to see who it is!
Camera: But, what if it's Ruto? Don't you hate her?
Link: Don't be silly. Ruto is NOT a secret admirer! Everyone knows she likes me! What kind of
idiot leaves a note signed, "Your secret admirer" when everyone including myself knows who they
are? Even Ruto's not that dumb!
(The camera follows Link through the bowels of the castle out to the center courtyard. He stands
by the window near the throne room and waits. The camera is set near the right window, and
watches Link.)
Link: Hmmm... this is boring. Maybe I'll sing for a while. Tinky-Winky... Dipsy-Wipsy! Laa-Laa...
Po! Teletubbies... Teletubbies! Say hello...
Mysterious Voice: Hello Link... I've been waiting for you...
(Link stands up and a shadowy figure moves towards him. It steps into the moonlight, and it's...
SHEIK?)
Link: Sheik? But... you... Zelda!
Sheik: Let me explain...
Link: But you are Zelda in disguise! You don't even exist! How are you my secret admirer?
Sheik: I do not exist. I am once again a disguise...
Link: But who are you? Who is in disguise?
Sheik: Guess who!
(Sheik unwraps his... uh, her... its turban, to reveal the face of...)
Link: RUTO?!?!?!?!?!
(Hm. So maybe Ruto is that dumb...)
Ruto: Oh, Link! I know I got mad at you last week when you told Nabooru you loved her before she
left... but I'm willing to make amends! I know you are my fiancé and I...
Link: Ruto, first of all, I did NOT tell Nabooru I love her! I'm like, TEN YEARS YOUNGER than
she is! And second of all, I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO MARRY YOU!
Ruto: You say that now, but I know you're lying!
Link: GET IT THROUGH THAT BIG, FISHY HEAD OF YOURS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR STINKING GUTS! YOU
MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH! I NEVER HAVE LIKED YOU, I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER WILL LIKE YOU!
YOU ARE A BIG, STUPID, UGLY FISH PRINCESS, AND I ONLY RESCUED YOU FROM JABU-JABU BECAUSE YOU HAD
THE SPIRITUAL STONE! THAT'S THE ONLY REASON! THAT IS IT! I HATE YOU, RUTO! IT'S OVER!
(Ruto's mouth hangs wide open. Then, she bursts into tears.)
Ruto: Please don't say that, Link... don't say you love me!
Link: I DIDN'T!
(He screams in frustration and stomps back into the castle.)
(Scene: Garden, the next morning. Saria is getting ready to tend to her flowers that she
planted last week.)
Saria: Isn't it a lovely day?
Saria's Fairy: Oh yes! It is so lovely out! The perfect day to fly a kite, or go swimming, or
kill monsters, or pick flowers, or eat hot dogs, or have a barbecue, or walk your dog, or your
goldfish, of your ferret, or go biking, of fishing, or go to the zoo, or to the museum, or to
the desert, or to the lake, or to the forest, or to the mountain, or to the fountain, or go to a
restaurant, or go hiking, or biking, or have a fistfight, or cook, or make chocolate mousse, or
duck ala rouge, or honey baked ham, or cheese and crackers, or turkey, or a PBJ, or make some
OJ, or go gardening, or have a tea party...
Saria: Uh, yeah. Oh my gosh!
(She sees Ruto laying facedown on the ground near the steps. She is very pale...)
Saria: Ruto! Are you alright?
Ruto: (singing quietly) Aaaand I'm glaaad I didn't know... the waaay it aaaall would end! The
waaay it aaall would goooooooooOoooooo!
Saria: What happened to you? You look dehydrated!
(Saria pours water on her with her watering can.)
Ruto: STOP IT! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE!
Saria: Tell me what happened.
Ruto: HE DUMPED MEEEEE! MY FIANCE DUMPED MEEEEEEEE!
Saria: Link? Oh Ruto! You poor thing! Tell you what. Just because I'm your friend, I will help
you out. I will help you get over Link, and forget about him forever!
Ruto: No you won't... I'm a pathetic little fish girl! NOBODY LIKES MEEEEEE!
Saria: Sure I will. And my fairy will help me!
(Scene: Interview room. Ganondorf gives a report.)
Ganondorf: I CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER DAY! I want her! I want her like a dog wants a bone! She is my
one true love! I CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT HER!
Camera: Who?
Ganondorf: Impa! She's perfect for me! She's beautiful, and young, and smart! She's even the
Sage of SHADOW! SHADOW! That's my domain! I am the King of Evil! As in SHADOWS! I NEEEEED HER!
Camera: One small problem. From what I've seen, she hates your guts.
Ganondorf: That's OK! Women raised me! I know exactly what women want! I am irresistible to them!
One date with Impa, and I'll be fine! She will want me so bad!
(Scene: Later, Ganondorf decides to ask Impa out on a date. She is in Zelda's suite, watching
the movie SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Zelda is with her.)
Zelda: Impa, I need a glass of water!
Impa: Oh, alright. Hold on just a second.
(She leaves the room and brings back a glass of water.)
(Five minutes later, Zelda has another request.)
Zelda: Impa, I need a bowl of pretzels.
Impa: Whatever you say, princess...
(She gets a bowl of pretzels and returns.)
(Five minutes later...)
Zelda: Impa, I need more water!
Impa: Be right back!
(She gets back.)
Zelda: This water isn't cold enough. Try again.
(Five minutes later...)
Impa: Here you are.
Zelda: Brrr! This water is WAY too cold! I have sensitive teeth. Make it warmer this time.
(Five minutes later...)
Impa: There.
Zelda: Now it's too hot again!
Impa: AAARRRRRGH! Zelda, I'm getting sick of this! I haven't had a single vacation in my entire
life! I need a break from you!
Zelda: BUT! But... WHO WILL WAIT ON ME?
Impa: Someone else! I need a break! I'm on vacation for the rest of this week! You can get your
own water! (She stomps out of the room.)
(Impa walks down the hall, looking for another room with a vacant TV. She looks in Ruto's room,
but the TV has been covered in Link Action Figures, most of which now have their heads ripped
off. She looks in Malon and Saria's room, but Malon is watching POKEMON. She doesn't even try
Ganondorf's room...)
Impa: Hmm. Hey! I bet Link and Darunia wouldn't mind if I use their TV!
(She goes into their room, where Darunia is sound asleep in an armchair, watching the
Teletubbies.)
(She quietly changes the channel to the movie channel and settles into the other armchair to
watch her movie.)
Impa: Ah! This is perfect! Hey, why does Link get a stereo in his room?
(Impa gets so wrapped up in the movie, she misses the pair of eyes watching her from the doorway.
Minutes later, the King of Evil walks into the room.)
Impa: Oh, crap. Just when my vacation was going good...
Ganondorf: Oh, Impa! You are such a hot sack of loving!
Impa: WHAT?!
Ganondorf: You make me drool, bay-bee!
Impa: Why of all the...
Ganondorf: Will you go out with me?
Impa: GRRRRR!
(She walks over and knees him in the groin.)
Impa: GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU STUPID $^#&*%^!
Ganondorf: (In a squeaky voice) What... did... I...dooooo?
(Meanwhile, Saria and Ruto are trying to start Ruto's Anti-Link Therapy.)
Saria: Now. Here, we have all of your Link posters and action figures and mannequins. We are
going to take them outside. You will walk up to them, say, "I am NOT in love with Link" and you
will set them on fire.
Ruto: OK... I guess...
(They take the Link memorabilia outside and Saria motions for Ruto to go.)
Ruto: OK... I can do it! I... am...
Saria: Go ahead!
Ruto: I... am... I am...
Saria: It's alright! Just say it!
Ruto: I... am... am... MADLY IN LOVE WITH LINK!
Saria: NOOOO! You hate him! You like him as a friend, but not any other way, because it's just
too weird!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah! He's kind of a nice guy but would make a horrible husband because he's
always traveling and killing stuff and he has major issues, and he dresses like a twerp and he's
really ugly, actually he's kinda cute but I shouldn't say that because I'm a fairy and I have no
chance whatsoever with him cause he's big and always traveling and killing stuff and he has
major issues and he dresses like a twerp and...
Ruto: DOH! I can't say it!
Saria: Alrighty then. I'll just light these on fire, and...
(She lights a match and is about to light a poster, when...)
Ruto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(She makes a wild leap onto the pile, sending posters and action figures everywhere. Ruto
uncovers the Link mannequin, and starts kissing it passionately.)
Saria: OH MY GOSH! That's not right! (Covers eyes, and groans)
Ruto: LINKY BOY! Never ever leave me again!
Saria: This is gonna take a while... I'm gonna need to call Malon!
(Scene: Zelda's room. Zelda is becoming accustomed to the fact that Impa is on vacation and will
NOT wait on her!)
Zelda: Oh man, I'm hungry! But what am I going to do? I can't call Impa, so...
(She stands up and goes into the kitchen to get a snack.)
Zelda: Hmmm... A hot dog sounds good! I'll just use the microwave! There we go! Now that's not
so hard!
(She takes a hot dog out of the fridge and puts it in the microwave. She examines the buttons on
the microwave front, and pushes "MINUTES" then taps in 60 on the keypad.)
Zelda: 60 seconds ought to do it! Now, I'll just go back upstairs and wait! Ha! Who needs Impa?
(Scene: Inside Link and Darunia's room. The pair are watching an old Kung-Fu movie.)
Link: This dubbing really sucks!
Darunia: Oh, I don't know! They're speaking pretty good english to me!
Link: You don't know what dubbing is, do you?
(Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Link goes over and opens it to find a pitiful Ganondorf
crying outside.)
Link: What happened to you?
Ganondorf: IT WAS AWFUL! (Sniff) I am madly in love with (sniff) Impa, but she (hack) hates me!
I need help! Even if it's from (cough) you!
Darunia: Look no further! Link and I are the Love Gods! We know everything about women!
Link: What are you talking about? You live in a city with NO women in it!
(Darunia makes a slitting motion across his throat, and Link turns to Ganondorf.)
Link: Excuse us... (Slams door) Now what?
Darunia: Do you honestly think I want to help HIM out? After he locked up my people in the Fire
Temple and tried to kill me? I say we give him some advice... some really, REALLY good advice!
(He winks at Link)
Link: Ohhh! OK, let's give him some advice!
(Link opens the door again.)
Link: Alright, Ganon. We'll give you some advice! On one condition!
Ganondorf: ANYTHING!
Darunia: You have to go to dinner tomorrow night wearing this!
(He holds up an adorable little pink skirt with hearts and teddy bears on it.)
Ganondorf: DOH! Oh, fine!
Link: And you can never try to take over Hyrule again!
Ganondorf: WHAT? That's my job! I can't just NOT do it! I still have almost three games to go! I
can't just stop!
Darunia: Alright then... NO ADVICE!
Ganondorf: Oh... FINE! Have it your way!
Link: (Him and Darunia walk over and put their arms around Ganondorf's shoulder.) This is going
to be the best date you'll ever have!
Darunia: Pleasure doing business with you!
Link and Darunia: (Giggle maniacally.)
Ganondorf: This is not a good sign!
(Scene: Malon and Saria's room. Malon has teamed up with Saria to help the depressed Sage of
Water.)
Malon: It's really OK Ruto. Every girl has problems with men eventually!
Ruto: I have more than problems! My problems have problems! My problem's problems have problems!
Saria: We are going to help you get over that Link. And we are going to do it if it kills us!
Ruto: Trust me, it will!
Malon: We're going to do a little psychological exercise in which Saria's Fairy will hold up an
ink blot, and you will tell us what it looks like to you.
Ruto: Sounds easy.
Saria's Fairy: Here's number one! Whaddya think, hmm? Whatzit look like? Whatzit look like?
Ruto: Link.
Saria: Number two!
Ruto: Link's Master Sword
Malon: And number three...
Ruto: Link on his horse!
Saria's Fairy: Number four.
Ruto: A common hartebeest. Wait! No, it looks like Link holding his bow!
(Scene: Zelda's room. The Princess of Hyrule is still trying to cope with Impa's absence.
Zelda: I... NEED... IMPA! This is ri-gosh-darn-diculous! I'm 17 YEARS OLD! I do NOT need a nanny!
I NEED A GLASS OF JUICE!
(She goes down to the kitchen to check on her hot dog.)
Zelda: Ew! It's all swelled up! Oh, I'll put it in for another 60 seconds.
(She once again hits "MINUTES")
(Impa comes into the kitchen.)
Impa: Oh. Hello Zelda. How are you doing?
Zelda: Just fine without you! I actually think that I may not need you anymore!
Impa: That's good. I'm having a nice vacation so far. OH NO!
(Ganondorf is visible in the hallway. He is wearing a small pair of headphones and is
communicating with Link and Darunia who are back in the room.)
Ganondorf: I see her in the kitchen. Now what?
(A muffled ramble comes from the speaker.)
Ganondorf: What else?
(More rambling)
Ganondorf: OK... Here I go!
(Impa knows pretty much what's going on, and thinks the princess should leave.)
Impa: This may get violent, Zelda. Go on out of here.
Zelda: OK. (She leaves.)
Ganondorf: Uh, hello Impa. Your butt looks wonderful today.
Impa: WHAT?
Ganondorf: And you can't even notice that you had dandruff last week! (He winks, but it looks
more like he has something in his eye.)
Impa: (Eyes him evilly)
Ganondorf: Uh... I, uh... (Singing in a loud, horrible voice.) I don't wanna clooooooose my
eyes! I don't wanna FAAAAAAAALL asleep! Cause I miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thaaang!
Impa: Are you trying to sound like that?
Ganondorf: I've got a lov-e-ly buncha coconuts! There they are a-standing in a row!
Impa: Good afternoon, Ganon-dork!
Ganondorf: WAIT! Uh, Impa... you have the most beautiful hips of any woman in the Legend of
Zelda!
Impa: (Blushes) Really? You really think so?
Ganondorf: Yeah... And your hair looks really good!
Impa: Oh Ganon! I've never seen this side of you! You always seemed so... evil! But now I know
you're just... dark! I like that in a guy, you know... being the Sage of Shadow...
(The pair look into each others eyes, and are about to kiss, when there is a rumble from the
microwave.)
Ganondorf: What the heck?
(The microwave door flies open and hot dog shrapnel flies across the room, blasting Impa and
Ganondorf.)
Impa: (Wiping meat from hair.) ACK! You jerk! How could you play a trick on me like this?
Ganondorf: IT WASN'T ME! HONEST!
Impa: You are the most horrible person I've ever met! Prepare to suffer, foul creature!
(Impa's eyes turn white like Storm in the X-Men. Lightning starts to crash around her, and she
starts to look a bit like Carrie. She hurls her hands into the air, and KAPLOWIE!)
(Ganondorf is thrown back at least 30 feet. Impa settles down.)
Impa: NEVER EVER TICK OFF A SAGE, #&%^*$@!
(She turns and runs.)
(Ganondorf lies still a minute, and then sits up. He picks up his microphone from the ground a
few feet away, and puts it up to his ears to talk to Link and Darunia.)
Ganondorf: Hey, are you guys still there?
Link and Darunia's Voices: WHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! WHAAAAAAAHAHAH
AHA! (breath) WHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Scene: Malon and Saria's room. Ruto is finally showing signs of recovery.)
Ruto: I did it! I did it! I have no liking for Link whatsoever! I'm free! I'm OK! I'm freeee!
Saria: Good job, Ruto! Doesn't it feel good to know you're free? Now you can walk by Link
without drooling!
Malon: What a success story! That's great, Ruto!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah! She's free! Liberated! Released! Let go! Awakened!
Ruto: Thanks, you guys! I'm going back to my room to watch TV!
(Ruto smiles and leaves. She walks down the hall and into her room.)
Ruto: (To camera) I am SO happy! I've never felt this way before! I feel absolutely wonderful!
(She sits down and turns the TV to a channel.)
TV: Planet Universe Comix Co is online! Visit us for excellent comic books, games, game tips,
and great LINKS to fan fiction sites!
Ruto: (Changes channel)
TV: Lonely Hearts Dating Service helped me make LINKS to other people!
(Ruto changes channel)
TV: And then, the village blacksmith makes his chain, the unbreakable LINKS hold together like...
(Click)
TV: What does LINK.com have? LINKS! LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS!
Ruto: AAARRRRGGHH!
(She stands up, and races over to the closet. She pulls out a huge box, locked and sealed with
about every lock you can think of.)
Ruto: Gimme gimme gimme!
(She tears open box, and breathes sigh of relief.)
Ruto: Ahhhh!
(A pile of Link posters, pictures, and dolls are inside.)
Ruto: (To camera) You really didn't think I would give up my collection just because they told
me to, did you?
(Scene: That night, Impa and Zelda's room.)
Impa: He's horrible, and I want you to keep away from him!
Zelda: Alright, Impa. Hey, want to watch some TV?
Impa: Sure. I need to relax after today!
Zelda: Hey, do you smell hot dogs?
Impa: No way! I just took a shower!
(Suddenly, the two hear a pounding on the balcony window. A large rock thuds against the window.)
Impa: What the hey?
(She goes to the window, and sees Ganondorf standing outside in the courtyard holding a
microphone.)
Impa: OH NO!
Ganondorf: Impa! Wait! I want to say something!
Impa: WHAT IS IT?
(Ganondorf fumbles around with the microphone, and signals to someone in a nearby bush. Then, a
song starts to play.)
Ganondorf: You're just too good to be true... Can't take my eyes off of you! You'd be like heaven
to touch! I wanna hold you so much! You're just too good to be true! Can't take my eyes off of
you!
(Waves hands at bush. Link and Darunia pop out to play the bridge on the ocarina and drum.)
(Ganondorf dances around like a dork, with Impa watching on.)
Ganondorf: I LOVE YOU IMPA! AND IF IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, I NEED YOU IMPA TO... uh, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH SOMETHING BLAH! Um, YADDA, YADDA!
Impa: (Rolls eyes) That's not gonna work, you spaz! I know you got that from 10 Things I Hate
About You!
Ganondorf: Did not! Bah da, bah da bah da DA DA DABah da bah da bah da BA BA BA Bada, bada...
Darunia: (Stops) I TOLD YOU! Women hate that song! They prefer this one!
(Takes out recording of Saria's Song, and starts to dance.)
Darunia: OH! OH OH! COME ON! COME ON COME ON COME ON! YEAH! WHOOOOOOA! YAHOOOOOOOOO!
Impa: (Dazzled) OH WOW! That's incredible! What wonderful dancing! Now that's how a real man
dances! (She starts to shake it like Darunia)
Ganondorf and Link: WHAAAAAAA?
Zelda: That's spectacular! What a beat!
(The other girls show up.)
Saria: Marvelous! Unbelievable!
Ruto: Stupendous! Incredible! (under breath) Just like Link...
Malon: Inventive! Sexy!
All Girls: AWWWWWWWW!
(Scene: Later... Interview room. The room is dark, and we hear a beat playing in the background.)
Darunia: (Voice) Here's a little old school from Darunia to you!
(Spotlights shine, and Darunia starts a terrible music video remake of Aaron Carter's
"Come Get It" Darunia is dressed in an Aaron Carter outfit, and the girl are wearing sparkly
spaghetti strap T-shirts in their own personal color.))
Well, one day I'm here, sittin' in my room.
And this Ganon guy, who reeks of doom!
He struts on in, demands my rock!
I refuse then I get quite a shock!
He seals up my cave and the Gorons hide,
He says "Now just try and get inside!"
Should I give him Goron's Ruby?
Zelda: (Voice) No, give him a bloody nose!
Darunia: And that's the option I think I chose!
Now this kid walks in, a little stinker.
I ask his name, he say's it's Link-er.
I get all mad and he plays this song,
I start to dance, and I can't go wrong.
Do we think that Link's the man?
Saria: Nobody shakes it like Darunia can!
Darunia: Hylians c'mon, you got to!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Everyone together, dance around!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Twirl all around, come on!
Girls: What?
Darunia: What? Play it again!
Hylians c'mon, you got to!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Play Saria's Song and dance around!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Jump all around, come on!
Girls: Come shake it! Come shake it! Come shake it!
All: Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Hey hey hey! Blah blah blah
blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Hey hey hey...
Little Link: WHAAAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOING? THIS IS A GAME SHOW!
(Music stops, and dancers turn towards Darunia's son, who has just opened the door.)
LL: COME ON! That's a horrible song! Now, get dressed and come downstairs for the nominations!
For Pete's sake, we've got a SHOW to do here!
(Scene: Downstairs, the remaining seven contestants are ready to hear the nominations.)
LL: OK, everyone, the author has spoken! And two of you are now going to be nominated to leave
the castle and miss out on the mystery cash prize! The envelope, please...
(A stage crew dude takes out the envelope, and LL opens it...)
LL: The nominees are... Ganondorf and Ruto!
Ruto: NOOOOOOOO! Why am I nominated? I'm the most popular character in this game! WHY? WHY
PEOPLE, WHY?
Ganondorf: It's about time! All these good-guys are making me sick! Except for...
Impa: Say anything and I'll kill you right here.
Ganondorf: OOOOK...
Link: YESSSSS! WHAT EXCELLENT NOMINEES! I on behalf of everyone here, thank you, the readers for
helping the author decide to evict those two! I've been dealing with them for years! THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
LL: OK, guys, that's enough comments.
Saria: Oh Ruto! I'm sorry!
Ruto: Don't worry! Everyone likes ME much better than Ganon-dork! I'm sure to stay here another
week!
Zelda: Remember, that's up to the readers, Ruto.
Ruto: Oh, I know! But like I said... (Turns to camera) OK guys... I know I've been sort of a
pain lately, but if you don't vote me out, I'll make the author pay you all twenty bucks!
Seriously!
Galaxy Girl: (Voice) RUTO! NO BRIBING THE READERS! Or ELSE!
Ruto: Sorry, Galaxy Girl, I just...
(Ruto is suddenly zapped with a blue ray gun, and she stands up and bows down to the camera.)
Ruto: Oh great and powerful author! I have not meant to offend thee!
Galaxy Girl: Good. That goes for the rest of you, too!
(Ganondorf spins around and pretends that he didn't just give the stage crew dude a hundred
rupees.)
Galaxy Girl: GANONDORF! It's the pink ray gun for you!
Ganondorf: NO! NOT THE PINK RAY GUN!
(Ganondorf is hit by a pink ray gun, and he is suddenly dressed up in that tight red jumpsuit
featured in the Britney Spears video.)
Ganondorf: WAAAAAAAAA!
Galaxy Girl: Good. Now, I'm going to do the closing statement today.
Link: Hey, you can't write yourself into the story!
Galaxy Girl: Can too!
(POOF! I appear next to Little Link on the couch.)
Galaxy Girl: OK, everyone! Remember to vote, and join us next ime on BIG BROTHER DARUNIA! Big
Brother...
All: (Except Ruto and Ganondorf, who are bowing down and singing "Oops! I Did It Again",
respectively)
HE'S WATCHING YOU!
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BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, FOLKS!
(Scene: Kokiri Forest. Koume and Kotake are asking around about Link's whereabouts. I told you
it'd be continued!)
Koume: So, he's gone?
Mido: Yeah. He's been gone a long time. I haven't seem him since our last poker game a month
ago.
Kotake: HE MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!
Mido: No way! Link'd never want to speak to two ugly hags like...
(They grab him by throat)
Mido: ...YoooooOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!
Koume: You're no use to us, you pathetic little wimp! (She and Kotake pitch Mido like a softball
across the forest, and he crashes into the Forest Temple. Into the first room... with the
Wolfos...)
Mido: (Voice) Uh oh! Niiiiiice Wolfos! Niiiiiiiice Wolfos! OH! OW OWOWOWOWOWOW! OUCH! OW!
(Mido flies out of Forest Temple and into branches of Great Deku Tree. He bounces off every
branch, and kits the ground.)
Mido: Owwwwwwoooooooooo...
(Finally, that little $&% gets his just desserts!)
Kotake: Hm. Where else does that little dweeb Hero like to go?
Koume: Where have we seen him...
Koume and Kotake: LON LON RANCH! EEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
(The hop on their brooms and fly away!)
TO BE CONTINUED...
<><><><><><><& gt;<><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><>< ;><><><><><><><><>
< br> This game has been screwed up by: Galaxy Girl!
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co!
www.angelfire.com/co3/kellcomix
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the world with cheapo comics!
Legend of Zelda: (c) of Nintendo of America
THIS STORY IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY. NO INFRINGEMENT OF COPYRIGHT IS INTENDED. I AM NOT MAKING
A CENT OFF OF THIS, PEOPLE! SO CHILL OUT!
Love Stinks
By Galaxy Girl
Zsa-Zsa's Mega Poe Emporium brings this week's Big Brother to you!
Poes for every occasion!
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Bully your brother!
Frighten your family!
Scare your spouse!
Horrify your husband!
Wipe out your wife!
Poes are the perfect gift for the little wiseguy in your family!
ZSA-ZSA'S MEGA POE EMPORIUM! LOCATED CONVENIENTLY NEAR HYRULE CASTLE!
A branch of SCARES R' US!
(Scene: Big Brother Title TV room. The Goron city song plays, and our favorite little host,
Little Link walks in.)
LL: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to Big Brother Darunia, the reality fan fiction series that
was voted number one last week on www.thisstuffsucks.com (not really)! Last week, a horrible
crime occurred, leaving us without our senior contestant, Rauru the Sage. We have received an
update from the Hyrule National Medical Center that Rauru is going to recover with no problems!
He has, however awakened from his coma with a severe case of amnesia. According to Dr. Nuts, they
are attempting to replace his memory with that of Elvis Presley. His attacker, the deranged guy
from the windmill, now known as "Mr. Monkeypoop" has been sentenced to life in prison with no
parole and will receive the "Hanson Penalty" twice a day for the rest of his miserable existence.
Anyway, this week, the group has been locked in the castle for almost three whole weeks.
Almost everyone has developed opinions on every other contestant, and we are goin to share them
with you through personal interviews and brilliant filming. So, enough chitchat. Let's get
to the show!
(Scene: Hallway. Link is on his way to the garden at 12:00 at night.)
Cameraperson: So, Link. WHY again are you going out there?
Link: Today at breakfast, I got a note from a secret admirer. They told me to meet them
outside at midnight tonight. I can't wait to see who it is!
Camera: But, what if it's Ruto? Don't you hate her?
Link: Don't be silly. Ruto is NOT a secret admirer! Everyone knows she likes me! What kind of
idiot leaves a note signed, "Your secret admirer" when everyone including myself knows who they
are? Even Ruto's not that dumb!
(The camera follows Link through the bowels of the castle out to the center courtyard. He stands
by the window near the throne room and waits. The camera is set near the right window, and
watches Link.)
Link: Hmmm... this is boring. Maybe I'll sing for a while. Tinky-Winky... Dipsy-Wipsy! Laa-Laa...
Po! Teletubbies... Teletubbies! Say hello...
Mysterious Voice: Hello Link... I've been waiting for you...
(Link stands up and a shadowy figure moves towards him. It steps into the moonlight, and it's...
SHEIK?)
Link: Sheik? But... you... Zelda!
Sheik: Let me explain...
Link: But you are Zelda in disguise! You don't even exist! How are you my secret admirer?
Sheik: I do not exist. I am once again a disguise...
Link: But who are you? Who is in disguise?
Sheik: Guess who!
(Sheik unwraps his... uh, her... its turban, to reveal the face of...)
Link: RUTO?!?!?!?!?!
(Hm. So maybe Ruto is that dumb...)
Ruto: Oh, Link! I know I got mad at you last week when you told Nabooru you loved her before she
left... but I'm willing to make amends! I know you are my fiancé and I...
Link: Ruto, first of all, I did NOT tell Nabooru I love her! I'm like, TEN YEARS YOUNGER than
she is! And second of all, I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO MARRY YOU!
Ruto: You say that now, but I know you're lying!
Link: GET IT THROUGH THAT BIG, FISHY HEAD OF YOURS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR STINKING GUTS! YOU
MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH! I NEVER HAVE LIKED YOU, I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER WILL LIKE YOU!
YOU ARE A BIG, STUPID, UGLY FISH PRINCESS, AND I ONLY RESCUED YOU FROM JABU-JABU BECAUSE YOU HAD
THE SPIRITUAL STONE! THAT'S THE ONLY REASON! THAT IS IT! I HATE YOU, RUTO! IT'S OVER!
(Ruto's mouth hangs wide open. Then, she bursts into tears.)
Ruto: Please don't say that, Link... don't say you love me!
Link: I DIDN'T!
(He screams in frustration and stomps back into the castle.)
(Scene: Garden, the next morning. Saria is getting ready to tend to her flowers that she
planted last week.)
Saria: Isn't it a lovely day?
Saria's Fairy: Oh yes! It is so lovely out! The perfect day to fly a kite, or go swimming, or
kill monsters, or pick flowers, or eat hot dogs, or have a barbecue, or walk your dog, or your
goldfish, of your ferret, or go biking, of fishing, or go to the zoo, or to the museum, or to
the desert, or to the lake, or to the forest, or to the mountain, or to the fountain, or go to a
restaurant, or go hiking, or biking, or have a fistfight, or cook, or make chocolate mousse, or
duck ala rouge, or honey baked ham, or cheese and crackers, or turkey, or a PBJ, or make some
OJ, or go gardening, or have a tea party...
Saria: Uh, yeah. Oh my gosh!
(She sees Ruto laying facedown on the ground near the steps. She is very pale...)
Saria: Ruto! Are you alright?
Ruto: (singing quietly) Aaaand I'm glaaad I didn't know... the waaay it aaaall would end! The
waaay it aaall would goooooooooOoooooo!
Saria: What happened to you? You look dehydrated!
(Saria pours water on her with her watering can.)
Ruto: STOP IT! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE!
Saria: Tell me what happened.
Ruto: HE DUMPED MEEEEE! MY FIANCE DUMPED MEEEEEEEE!
Saria: Link? Oh Ruto! You poor thing! Tell you what. Just because I'm your friend, I will help
you out. I will help you get over Link, and forget about him forever!
Ruto: No you won't... I'm a pathetic little fish girl! NOBODY LIKES MEEEEEE!
Saria: Sure I will. And my fairy will help me!
(Scene: Interview room. Ganondorf gives a report.)
Ganondorf: I CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER DAY! I want her! I want her like a dog wants a bone! She is my
one true love! I CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT HER!
Camera: Who?
Ganondorf: Impa! She's perfect for me! She's beautiful, and young, and smart! She's even the
Sage of SHADOW! SHADOW! That's my domain! I am the King of Evil! As in SHADOWS! I NEEEEED HER!
Camera: One small problem. From what I've seen, she hates your guts.
Ganondorf: That's OK! Women raised me! I know exactly what women want! I am irresistible to them!
One date with Impa, and I'll be fine! She will want me so bad!
(Scene: Later, Ganondorf decides to ask Impa out on a date. She is in Zelda's suite, watching
the movie SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Zelda is with her.)
Zelda: Impa, I need a glass of water!
Impa: Oh, alright. Hold on just a second.
(She leaves the room and brings back a glass of water.)
(Five minutes later, Zelda has another request.)
Zelda: Impa, I need a bowl of pretzels.
Impa: Whatever you say, princess...
(She gets a bowl of pretzels and returns.)
(Five minutes later...)
Zelda: Impa, I need more water!
Impa: Be right back!
(She gets back.)
Zelda: This water isn't cold enough. Try again.
(Five minutes later...)
Impa: Here you are.
Zelda: Brrr! This water is WAY too cold! I have sensitive teeth. Make it warmer this time.
(Five minutes later...)
Impa: There.
Zelda: Now it's too hot again!
Impa: AAARRRRRGH! Zelda, I'm getting sick of this! I haven't had a single vacation in my entire
life! I need a break from you!
Zelda: BUT! But... WHO WILL WAIT ON ME?
Impa: Someone else! I need a break! I'm on vacation for the rest of this week! You can get your
own water! (She stomps out of the room.)
(Impa walks down the hall, looking for another room with a vacant TV. She looks in Ruto's room,
but the TV has been covered in Link Action Figures, most of which now have their heads ripped
off. She looks in Malon and Saria's room, but Malon is watching POKEMON. She doesn't even try
Ganondorf's room...)
Impa: Hmm. Hey! I bet Link and Darunia wouldn't mind if I use their TV!
(She goes into their room, where Darunia is sound asleep in an armchair, watching the
Teletubbies.)
(She quietly changes the channel to the movie channel and settles into the other armchair to
watch her movie.)
Impa: Ah! This is perfect! Hey, why does Link get a stereo in his room?
(Impa gets so wrapped up in the movie, she misses the pair of eyes watching her from the doorway.
Minutes later, the King of Evil walks into the room.)
Impa: Oh, crap. Just when my vacation was going good...
Ganondorf: Oh, Impa! You are such a hot sack of loving!
Impa: WHAT?!
Ganondorf: You make me drool, bay-bee!
Impa: Why of all the...
Ganondorf: Will you go out with me?
Impa: GRRRRR!
(She walks over and knees him in the groin.)
Impa: GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU STUPID $^#&*%^!
Ganondorf: (In a squeaky voice) What... did... I...dooooo?
(Meanwhile, Saria and Ruto are trying to start Ruto's Anti-Link Therapy.)
Saria: Now. Here, we have all of your Link posters and action figures and mannequins. We are
going to take them outside. You will walk up to them, say, "I am NOT in love with Link" and you
will set them on fire.
Ruto: OK... I guess...
(They take the Link memorabilia outside and Saria motions for Ruto to go.)
Ruto: OK... I can do it! I... am...
Saria: Go ahead!
Ruto: I... am... I am...
Saria: It's alright! Just say it!
Ruto: I... am... am... MADLY IN LOVE WITH LINK!
Saria: NOOOO! You hate him! You like him as a friend, but not any other way, because it's just
too weird!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah! He's kind of a nice guy but would make a horrible husband because he's
always traveling and killing stuff and he has major issues, and he dresses like a twerp and he's
really ugly, actually he's kinda cute but I shouldn't say that because I'm a fairy and I have no
chance whatsoever with him cause he's big and always traveling and killing stuff and he has
major issues and he dresses like a twerp and...
Ruto: DOH! I can't say it!
Saria: Alrighty then. I'll just light these on fire, and...
(She lights a match and is about to light a poster, when...)
Ruto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(She makes a wild leap onto the pile, sending posters and action figures everywhere. Ruto
uncovers the Link mannequin, and starts kissing it passionately.)
Saria: OH MY GOSH! That's not right! (Covers eyes, and groans)
Ruto: LINKY BOY! Never ever leave me again!
Saria: This is gonna take a while... I'm gonna need to call Malon!
(Scene: Zelda's room. Zelda is becoming accustomed to the fact that Impa is on vacation and will
NOT wait on her!)
Zelda: Oh man, I'm hungry! But what am I going to do? I can't call Impa, so...
(She stands up and goes into the kitchen to get a snack.)
Zelda: Hmmm... A hot dog sounds good! I'll just use the microwave! There we go! Now that's not
so hard!
(She takes a hot dog out of the fridge and puts it in the microwave. She examines the buttons on
the microwave front, and pushes "MINUTES" then taps in 60 on the keypad.)
Zelda: 60 seconds ought to do it! Now, I'll just go back upstairs and wait! Ha! Who needs Impa?
(Scene: Inside Link and Darunia's room. The pair are watching an old Kung-Fu movie.)
Link: This dubbing really sucks!
Darunia: Oh, I don't know! They're speaking pretty good english to me!
Link: You don't know what dubbing is, do you?
(Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Link goes over and opens it to find a pitiful Ganondorf
crying outside.)
Link: What happened to you?
Ganondorf: IT WAS AWFUL! (Sniff) I am madly in love with (sniff) Impa, but she (hack) hates me!
I need help! Even if it's from (cough) you!
Darunia: Look no further! Link and I are the Love Gods! We know everything about women!
Link: What are you talking about? You live in a city with NO women in it!
(Darunia makes a slitting motion across his throat, and Link turns to Ganondorf.)
Link: Excuse us... (Slams door) Now what?
Darunia: Do you honestly think I want to help HIM out? After he locked up my people in the Fire
Temple and tried to kill me? I say we give him some advice... some really, REALLY good advice!
(He winks at Link)
Link: Ohhh! OK, let's give him some advice!
(Link opens the door again.)
Link: Alright, Ganon. We'll give you some advice! On one condition!
Ganondorf: ANYTHING!
Darunia: You have to go to dinner tomorrow night wearing this!
(He holds up an adorable little pink skirt with hearts and teddy bears on it.)
Ganondorf: DOH! Oh, fine!
Link: And you can never try to take over Hyrule again!
Ganondorf: WHAT? That's my job! I can't just NOT do it! I still have almost three games to go! I
can't just stop!
Darunia: Alright then... NO ADVICE!
Ganondorf: Oh... FINE! Have it your way!
Link: (Him and Darunia walk over and put their arms around Ganondorf's shoulder.) This is going
to be the best date you'll ever have!
Darunia: Pleasure doing business with you!
Link and Darunia: (Giggle maniacally.)
Ganondorf: This is not a good sign!
(Scene: Malon and Saria's room. Malon has teamed up with Saria to help the depressed Sage of
Water.)
Malon: It's really OK Ruto. Every girl has problems with men eventually!
Ruto: I have more than problems! My problems have problems! My problem's problems have problems!
Saria: We are going to help you get over that Link. And we are going to do it if it kills us!
Ruto: Trust me, it will!
Malon: We're going to do a little psychological exercise in which Saria's Fairy will hold up an
ink blot, and you will tell us what it looks like to you.
Ruto: Sounds easy.
Saria's Fairy: Here's number one! Whaddya think, hmm? Whatzit look like? Whatzit look like?
Ruto: Link.
Saria: Number two!
Ruto: Link's Master Sword
Malon: And number three...
Ruto: Link on his horse!
Saria's Fairy: Number four.
Ruto: A common hartebeest. Wait! No, it looks like Link holding his bow!
(Scene: Zelda's room. The Princess of Hyrule is still trying to cope with Impa's absence.
Zelda: I... NEED... IMPA! This is ri-gosh-darn-diculous! I'm 17 YEARS OLD! I do NOT need a nanny!
I NEED A GLASS OF JUICE!
(She goes down to the kitchen to check on her hot dog.)
Zelda: Ew! It's all swelled up! Oh, I'll put it in for another 60 seconds.
(She once again hits "MINUTES")
(Impa comes into the kitchen.)
Impa: Oh. Hello Zelda. How are you doing?
Zelda: Just fine without you! I actually think that I may not need you anymore!
Impa: That's good. I'm having a nice vacation so far. OH NO!
(Ganondorf is visible in the hallway. He is wearing a small pair of headphones and is
communicating with Link and Darunia who are back in the room.)
Ganondorf: I see her in the kitchen. Now what?
(A muffled ramble comes from the speaker.)
Ganondorf: What else?
(More rambling)
Ganondorf: OK... Here I go!
(Impa knows pretty much what's going on, and thinks the princess should leave.)
Impa: This may get violent, Zelda. Go on out of here.
Zelda: OK. (She leaves.)
Ganondorf: Uh, hello Impa. Your butt looks wonderful today.
Impa: WHAT?
Ganondorf: And you can't even notice that you had dandruff last week! (He winks, but it looks
more like he has something in his eye.)
Impa: (Eyes him evilly)
Ganondorf: Uh... I, uh... (Singing in a loud, horrible voice.) I don't wanna clooooooose my
eyes! I don't wanna FAAAAAAAALL asleep! Cause I miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thaaang!
Impa: Are you trying to sound like that?
Ganondorf: I've got a lov-e-ly buncha coconuts! There they are a-standing in a row!
Impa: Good afternoon, Ganon-dork!
Ganondorf: WAIT! Uh, Impa... you have the most beautiful hips of any woman in the Legend of
Zelda!
Impa: (Blushes) Really? You really think so?
Ganondorf: Yeah... And your hair looks really good!
Impa: Oh Ganon! I've never seen this side of you! You always seemed so... evil! But now I know
you're just... dark! I like that in a guy, you know... being the Sage of Shadow...
(The pair look into each others eyes, and are about to kiss, when there is a rumble from the
microwave.)
Ganondorf: What the heck?
(The microwave door flies open and hot dog shrapnel flies across the room, blasting Impa and
Ganondorf.)
Impa: (Wiping meat from hair.) ACK! You jerk! How could you play a trick on me like this?
Ganondorf: IT WASN'T ME! HONEST!
Impa: You are the most horrible person I've ever met! Prepare to suffer, foul creature!
(Impa's eyes turn white like Storm in the X-Men. Lightning starts to crash around her, and she
starts to look a bit like Carrie. She hurls her hands into the air, and KAPLOWIE!)
(Ganondorf is thrown back at least 30 feet. Impa settles down.)
Impa: NEVER EVER TICK OFF A SAGE, #&%^*$@!
(She turns and runs.)
(Ganondorf lies still a minute, and then sits up. He picks up his microphone from the ground a
few feet away, and puts it up to his ears to talk to Link and Darunia.)
Ganondorf: Hey, are you guys still there?
Link and Darunia's Voices: WHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! WHAAAAAAAHAHAH
AHA! (breath) WHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Scene: Malon and Saria's room. Ruto is finally showing signs of recovery.)
Ruto: I did it! I did it! I have no liking for Link whatsoever! I'm free! I'm OK! I'm freeee!
Saria: Good job, Ruto! Doesn't it feel good to know you're free? Now you can walk by Link
without drooling!
Malon: What a success story! That's great, Ruto!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah! She's free! Liberated! Released! Let go! Awakened!
Ruto: Thanks, you guys! I'm going back to my room to watch TV!
(Ruto smiles and leaves. She walks down the hall and into her room.)
Ruto: (To camera) I am SO happy! I've never felt this way before! I feel absolutely wonderful!
(She sits down and turns the TV to a channel.)
TV: Planet Universe Comix Co is online! Visit us for excellent comic books, games, game tips,
and great LINKS to fan fiction sites!
Ruto: (Changes channel)
TV: Lonely Hearts Dating Service helped me make LINKS to other people!
(Ruto changes channel)
TV: And then, the village blacksmith makes his chain, the unbreakable LINKS hold together like...
(Click)
TV: What does LINK.com have? LINKS! LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS, LINKS!
Ruto: AAARRRRGGHH!
(She stands up, and races over to the closet. She pulls out a huge box, locked and sealed with
about every lock you can think of.)
Ruto: Gimme gimme gimme!
(She tears open box, and breathes sigh of relief.)
Ruto: Ahhhh!
(A pile of Link posters, pictures, and dolls are inside.)
Ruto: (To camera) You really didn't think I would give up my collection just because they told
me to, did you?
(Scene: That night, Impa and Zelda's room.)
Impa: He's horrible, and I want you to keep away from him!
Zelda: Alright, Impa. Hey, want to watch some TV?
Impa: Sure. I need to relax after today!
Zelda: Hey, do you smell hot dogs?
Impa: No way! I just took a shower!
(Suddenly, the two hear a pounding on the balcony window. A large rock thuds against the window.)
Impa: What the hey?
(She goes to the window, and sees Ganondorf standing outside in the courtyard holding a
microphone.)
Impa: OH NO!
Ganondorf: Impa! Wait! I want to say something!
Impa: WHAT IS IT?
(Ganondorf fumbles around with the microphone, and signals to someone in a nearby bush. Then, a
song starts to play.)
Ganondorf: You're just too good to be true... Can't take my eyes off of you! You'd be like heaven
to touch! I wanna hold you so much! You're just too good to be true! Can't take my eyes off of
you!
(Waves hands at bush. Link and Darunia pop out to play the bridge on the ocarina and drum.)
(Ganondorf dances around like a dork, with Impa watching on.)
Ganondorf: I LOVE YOU IMPA! AND IF IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, I NEED YOU IMPA TO... uh, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH SOMETHING BLAH! Um, YADDA, YADDA!
Impa: (Rolls eyes) That's not gonna work, you spaz! I know you got that from 10 Things I Hate
About You!
Ganondorf: Did not! Bah da, bah da bah da DA DA DABah da bah da bah da BA BA BA Bada, bada...
Darunia: (Stops) I TOLD YOU! Women hate that song! They prefer this one!
(Takes out recording of Saria's Song, and starts to dance.)
Darunia: OH! OH OH! COME ON! COME ON COME ON COME ON! YEAH! WHOOOOOOA! YAHOOOOOOOOO!
Impa: (Dazzled) OH WOW! That's incredible! What wonderful dancing! Now that's how a real man
dances! (She starts to shake it like Darunia)
Ganondorf and Link: WHAAAAAAA?
Zelda: That's spectacular! What a beat!
(The other girls show up.)
Saria: Marvelous! Unbelievable!
Ruto: Stupendous! Incredible! (under breath) Just like Link...
Malon: Inventive! Sexy!
All Girls: AWWWWWWWW!
(Scene: Later... Interview room. The room is dark, and we hear a beat playing in the background.)
Darunia: (Voice) Here's a little old school from Darunia to you!
(Spotlights shine, and Darunia starts a terrible music video remake of Aaron Carter's
"Come Get It" Darunia is dressed in an Aaron Carter outfit, and the girl are wearing sparkly
spaghetti strap T-shirts in their own personal color.))
Well, one day I'm here, sittin' in my room.
And this Ganon guy, who reeks of doom!
He struts on in, demands my rock!
I refuse then I get quite a shock!
He seals up my cave and the Gorons hide,
He says "Now just try and get inside!"
Should I give him Goron's Ruby?
Zelda: (Voice) No, give him a bloody nose!
Darunia: And that's the option I think I chose!
Now this kid walks in, a little stinker.
I ask his name, he say's it's Link-er.
I get all mad and he plays this song,
I start to dance, and I can't go wrong.
Do we think that Link's the man?
Saria: Nobody shakes it like Darunia can!
Darunia: Hylians c'mon, you got to!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Everyone together, dance around!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Twirl all around, come on!
Girls: What?
Darunia: What? Play it again!
Hylians c'mon, you got to!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Play Saria's Song and dance around!
Girls: Come shake it!
Darunia: Jump all around, come on!
Girls: Come shake it! Come shake it! Come shake it!
All: Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Hey hey hey! Blah blah blah
blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Hey hey hey...
Little Link: WHAAAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOING? THIS IS A GAME SHOW!
(Music stops, and dancers turn towards Darunia's son, who has just opened the door.)
LL: COME ON! That's a horrible song! Now, get dressed and come downstairs for the nominations!
For Pete's sake, we've got a SHOW to do here!
(Scene: Downstairs, the remaining seven contestants are ready to hear the nominations.)
LL: OK, everyone, the author has spoken! And two of you are now going to be nominated to leave
the castle and miss out on the mystery cash prize! The envelope, please...
(A stage crew dude takes out the envelope, and LL opens it...)
LL: The nominees are... Ganondorf and Ruto!
Ruto: NOOOOOOOO! Why am I nominated? I'm the most popular character in this game! WHY? WHY
PEOPLE, WHY?
Ganondorf: It's about time! All these good-guys are making me sick! Except for...
Impa: Say anything and I'll kill you right here.
Ganondorf: OOOOK...
Link: YESSSSS! WHAT EXCELLENT NOMINEES! I on behalf of everyone here, thank you, the readers for
helping the author decide to evict those two! I've been dealing with them for years! THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
LL: OK, guys, that's enough comments.
Saria: Oh Ruto! I'm sorry!
Ruto: Don't worry! Everyone likes ME much better than Ganon-dork! I'm sure to stay here another
week!
Zelda: Remember, that's up to the readers, Ruto.
Ruto: Oh, I know! But like I said... (Turns to camera) OK guys... I know I've been sort of a
pain lately, but if you don't vote me out, I'll make the author pay you all twenty bucks!
Seriously!
Galaxy Girl: (Voice) RUTO! NO BRIBING THE READERS! Or ELSE!
Ruto: Sorry, Galaxy Girl, I just...
(Ruto is suddenly zapped with a blue ray gun, and she stands up and bows down to the camera.)
Ruto: Oh great and powerful author! I have not meant to offend thee!
Galaxy Girl: Good. That goes for the rest of you, too!
(Ganondorf spins around and pretends that he didn't just give the stage crew dude a hundred
rupees.)
Galaxy Girl: GANONDORF! It's the pink ray gun for you!
Ganondorf: NO! NOT THE PINK RAY GUN!
(Ganondorf is hit by a pink ray gun, and he is suddenly dressed up in that tight red jumpsuit
featured in the Britney Spears video.)
Ganondorf: WAAAAAAAAA!
Galaxy Girl: Good. Now, I'm going to do the closing statement today.
Link: Hey, you can't write yourself into the story!
Galaxy Girl: Can too!
(POOF! I appear next to Little Link on the couch.)
Galaxy Girl: OK, everyone! Remember to vote, and join us next ime on BIG BROTHER DARUNIA! Big
Brother...
All: (Except Ruto and Ganondorf, who are bowing down and singing "Oops! I Did It Again",
respectively)
HE'S WATCHING YOU!
<><><><><><><><& gt;<><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><>< ;><><><><><><><><><&g t;<>
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, FOLKS!
(Scene: Kokiri Forest. Koume and Kotake are asking around about Link's whereabouts. I told you
it'd be continued!)
Koume: So, he's gone?
Mido: Yeah. He's been gone a long time. I haven't seem him since our last poker game a month
ago.
Kotake: HE MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!
Mido: No way! Link'd never want to speak to two ugly hags like...
(They grab him by throat)
Mido: ...YoooooOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!
Koume: You're no use to us, you pathetic little wimp! (She and Kotake pitch Mido like a softball
across the forest, and he crashes into the Forest Temple. Into the first room... with the
Wolfos...)
Mido: (Voice) Uh oh! Niiiiiice Wolfos! Niiiiiiiice Wolfos! OH! OW OWOWOWOWOWOW! OUCH! OW!
(Mido flies out of Forest Temple and into branches of Great Deku Tree. He bounces off every
branch, and kits the ground.)
Mido: Owwwwwwoooooooooo...
(Finally, that little $&% gets his just desserts!)
Kotake: Hm. Where else does that little dweeb Hero like to go?
Koume: Where have we seen him...
Koume and Kotake: LON LON RANCH! EEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
(The hop on their brooms and fly away!)
TO BE CONTINUED...
<><><><><><><& gt;<><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><>< ;><><><><><><><><>
< br> This game has been screwed up by: Galaxy Girl!
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co!
www.angelfire.com/co3/kellcomix
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the world with cheapo comics!
Legend of Zelda: (c) of Nintendo of America
THIS STORY IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY. NO INFRINGEMENT OF COPYRIGHT IS INTENDED. I AM NOT MAKING
A CENT OFF OF THIS, PEOPLE! SO CHILL OUT!