Fan Fiction ❯ Big Brother Darunia ❯ Ganondorf Gets Lucky ( Chapter 5 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Big Brother Darunia: Show Five
Ganon Gets Lucky! (Or Not?)
A Reality Fan Fiction
By Galaxy Girl

Big Brother Darunia is brought to you by the following sponsor!

Announcer's Voice: From the people who brought you such games as Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask comes a new source of mindless entertainment!

Link and Navi had fun last night! A little too much fun...

(Scene: Link's house. Adult Link walks out of the house with Navi and they walk into Hyrule Field. They look at each other and smile, then look around the field.)

Link: Dude, where's my horse?

Announcer's Voice: Link and Navi partied all night! And now they can't remember where in Hyrule they left Epona!

(Link and Navi are asking around. First, at Lon-Lon Ranch.)

Link: Yo Malon, have you seen my horse?

Malon: I saw the back end of it!

Navi: Ew! Why were you looking there?

(Now at Gerudo Valley)

Navi: Nabooru, dude, have you seen Link's horse?

Nabooru: Maaaaaaaaybe! (Her and Gerudos concealing some large brown object.)

(Now at Ganon's Castle)

Link: Ganon, dude, have you seen my horse?

Ganondorf: I SHALL KILL YOU! MUUUUAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!

(And finally, at Kakariko Village)
Link: Yo, Windmill dude, have you seen my horse?

Windmill Dude: (Singing) It's around! It's around! It's around around around!

Navi: Dude, but where?

Windmill Dude: Go to heck! Go to heck! Go to go to go to heck!

Link: Dude, why won't you tell us?

Windmill Dude: Hate your guts! Hate your guts! Hate your stupid hero guts! I don't wanna tell! So just go to he... ck!

Announcer: DUDE, WHERE'S MY HORSE? Coming soon to a theater near you! And look for the sequel soon, DUDE, WHERE'S NAVI?

(Scene: Big Brother Title Room. Little Link sits, with a bubble pipe and in his bathrobe.)

LL: Good evening, and welcome to Big Brother Darunia, the reality fan fiction that everyone is talking about! Last week, as you know, Princess Ruto was evicted by a popular vote. A report from the Hyrule Home for the Reality Challenged states that Ruto is getting along rather well, and they have reduced her medication to only 12 depressants an hour. Also in last week's events, Link came down with an aggravated case of "YUCKY-FISHY-FRENCHY-ITIS" because of his insatiable desire for Sweet N' Low, and Malon conquered her fear of dead people. This week promises to be much less exciting than last week, but not a bit less fun. So, stick around and see what happens!

(Blows a single bubble out of his pipe, and watches it pop on his nose.)

(Scene: Living room. The results of last week's votes are in, and the contestants have gathered to learn who will be the next to go. Zelda, Impa, and Link are all on the sofa, Saria and Ganondorf share the loveseat, and Darunia sits behind his son in the chair.)

LL: So, let's see who will be the next to go!

Link: Oh man! I hope, I hope, I hope I can stay!

Ganondorf: Not with me around, pal. Women can't get enough of my sexy body!

Impa: (Sticks finger in mouth as if to gag.) As if!

LL: And the evictee this week is...

(Suddenly, Darunia sneezes, spraying the paper with sneeze residue.)

Darunia: AAAACHHHOOOOOO!

LL: Ew! (Tosses paper on floor) That is vile!

Darunia: Sorry. I got a cold.

LL: (Picks up paper) DAD! You smeared all the writing! Now what am I supposed to read off of?

Zelda: Call the stage crew!

(A stage crew guy comes out and whispers something into Little Link's ear.)
Stage Crew Dude: Pssst, psst, psst!

LL: What? You mean that was the only copy of the results?

Stage Crew Dude: Psst, pssst, pssst, whisper psst!

LL: And that no one had read them before today?

Stage crew Dude: Psst, psst.

LL: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Come on! Do we really need to be that secure? Good grief! Now what? Did we save the ballots? Please say we saved the ballots!

SCD: Psst, psst.

LL: YOU DIDN'T SAVE THE BALLOTS?

Saria: Now what are we going to do? Who's getting evicted?

Link: What's going on? Are we all from Florida here?

Crew: YES! (Balls of paper and various blunt objects fly at Link)

Link: Whoops! I'll shut up now...

LL: Well, I guess we'll have to do a re-vote. Tonight, I need somebody to give me a hand with the ballots. The rest of you, I guess can go do whatever you want, rather than having the going-away party I thought we were having.

All: YAY!

LL: Except for one person, who has to help me re-count the votes. Who wants to do it?

(Silence)

LL: Come on! We need somebody to do it!

(Zelda sighs and raises her hand)

LL: Thank you, Zelda. The rest of you can go, I guess.

Darunia: Can we go in the North Rooms?

Zelda: ABSOLUTELY NOT! You may NOT go in the North Rooms!

Ganondorf: What's in the North Rooms?

Zelda: None of your business!

Saria: Is that where you keep the Ocarina of Time? And all the treasure?

Saria's Fairy: And all your valuables, and your clothes, and your stuff, and your spare bedrooms, and your...

Zelda: Uh, no... the North Rooms are where we keep the... HEY, I'm not telling you!

Link: Oh, come on! At least tell me! I'm the Hero of Time!

Zelda: Well, uh...

Impa: NO fair! I'm your guardian AND the Sage of Shadow, and I don't even know what's in the North Rooms!

Zelda: But Link is...

Saria: I DON'T GIVE A SPOOT WHO LINK IS! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THOSE ROOMS, %&%^ *$&#*!

(The contestants stare at the tiny Kokiri's angry outburst, and she blushes.)

Saria: I mean, PLEEEEASE?

Zelda: Well, alright. The North Rooms are where we keep the restaurant.

All: RESTAURANT?

Zelda: And the Movie Theater.

All: MOVIE THEATER?

Zelda: And the Bowling Alley, and the Arcade, and the Ice Cream Tasting Room.

All: BOWLING ALLEY? ARCADE? ICE CREAM TASTING ROOM?

(The group sits in silence for a minute, and then all scream at once.)

All: I WANT IT! I WANT IT!

Zelda: No way! Nobody can go in unless you're a Royal Family member!

Malon: But Zelda, aren't we your friends?

Zelda: Well...

LL: Come on! Let's all act like the sensible adults...

Darunia: You're three years old.

Saria: And I'm still a kid.

LL: ... Sensible PEOPLE we are, and stop acting like we want to be Zelda's friend just for her Arcade.

Zelda: Actually, I have an Ice Arena and a Swimming Pool too.

LL: Hey that DOES sound neat!

Zelda: OH FINE! Go in my North Rooms and eat my food and watch my movies and play my games and swim in my pool! I don't care! Just quit bugging me!

All: YAY!

(Zelda sighs and flops herself onto the couch while the group dissipates and heads for the formerly locked door to the North Hallway.)

Zelda: So, where's the votes?

LL: Right here!

(A forklift drops a pile of votes taller than the accidental Buchanan votes in the 2000 election.)

Zelda: ... THAT'S ALL THE VOTES?

LL: We're popular!

Zelda: It's going to be a looooong night!

(Scene: Main North Room Corridor. Impa stands, digging in her wallet for some cash to play her favorite arcade game, "MARVEL SUPERHEROES VS US GOVERNMENT". Suddenly...)

Impa: Let's see... 26, 30, and 55... Darn! I need 20 more cents!

Ganondorf: May I pitch in?

Impa: Oh no! Just when I thought I was going to have a good night!

Ganondorf: I'll play you!

Impa: Under what circumstances?

Ganondorf: A little wager, say... If you win, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the week. If I win, you come out on a dinner date with me tonight.

Impa: Hmm... You're on!

Ganondorf: Goody! (He hands Impa two dimes.) I'll meet you there in five minutes!
(He enters the room of glowing video game screens.)

Impa: (To camera) I've never lost a game in my life! There's no way I'll lose!

(Scene: Outside movie theater. Link and Darunia are trying to figure out what movie to watch.)

Link: I suggest an epic drama, such as "Last of the Mohicans" or "The Mask of Zorro"!

Darunia: No way! I'd rather watch a heart warming romance, like "You've Got Mail" or "Gone With the Wind"!

Saria: (Walks up with fairy) Hey guys! Can we join?

Link: Sure. What do you want to watch?

Saria's Fairy: How about... "Titanic"?

Darunia: NO way! I hated that movie! It stunk worse than I did after a hard day of rock digging!

Link: Yeah! That movie bit the big one!

Saria: No, no, NO! She meant, we should... WATCH "Titanic"!
(Saria's Fairy flies over to a film reel next to Darunia. He picks it up.)

Darunia: (Reading) "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie"...

(In video game room, we see Malon busily taking her pick of over a hundred games.)

Malon: Should I play "TEKKEN XXXVVIIXX" or "The Magic Happy Rainbow Bears Meet the Evil Assistant Principal in Evil Awful Bad Nasty School Land"?

(Suddenly she hears a video game voice blasting out over all the others)

Video Game Voice: DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BEAT THE MASTER PUZZLER? OR ARE YOU A LOOOOSER LIKE THE REST?

Malon: Huh?

Video Game: DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF TO SOLVE THE HARDEST PUZZLES IN THE MASTER PUZZLER'S COLLECTION? AND DO YOU HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR INITIALS UP ON THE MASTER PUZZLER'S MIGHTY MAGIC INITIAL BOARD OF HONOR AND GLORY? WELL, DO YOU? DO YOU?

Malon: I do! I do!

Video Game: Then play... MEGA FIGHTER ULTRA PUZZLES LUDICROUS SUPER POWER FIGHTERS!

Malon: Ooooooh!

(She walks over to a large video game and stares at the screen. It shows a large black box with small colorful shapes moving around.)

Malon: Seems easy enough! (She slips in 25 cents, and puts her hands on the joystick. Annoying game music starts playing.)

(She plays for about five seconds, and...)

Video Game: HAHA! YOU LOSE! Loser, loser, loser, loser...

Malon: No way! I'll win next time, definitely! (She puts in another quarter.)

(Five seconds later...)

Video Game: HAHA! YOU LOSE! You shall never beat the Master Puzzler! Loser, loser, loser, loser...

Malon: Grrr! (Puts in another quarter.)

(Back in another corner of the game room, Impa and Ganondorf are hard at work attempting to dominate the other's politician or superhero.)

Impa: HA! If you knew anything, Ganondorf, you'd know that Janet Reno's Whine-O-Matic Attack only works at a close range!

Ganondorf: Au contraire, Mademoiselle! Janet Reno's Whine-O-Matic attack works DOUBLY good on Al Gore! His Politician Morph-O-Matic stands no chance against her Ugly Shock attack!

Impa: Grrrr! Fine, I'll have to use my SECRET WEAPON!

Ganondorf: Oh no! Not Kenneth Starr!

Impa: What the heck are you doing?

Ganondorf: You'll see...

Impa: ACK! Ross Perot? How did you unlock Ross Perot? He's the best!

Ganondorf: It's simple, dear. If you defeat Bill Clinton at the Green Room arena, you get a chance to go to the Annoying Millionaire Secret Stage!

Impa: OH no! Kenneth Starr's Phat Fat attack doesn't work on Ross Perot's Super Ear Shields! I'm doomed!

(The Video Game mirrors Impa's statement)

Video Game: (In Abe Lincoln's voice) I am sorry. You've been impeached, Republican Player! Democrat Player wins!

Ganondorf: YES! I get a date!

Impa: OH MAN! And then the clouds opened up, and the Goddesses said, "WE HATE YOU, IMPA!"

Ganondorf: (Snickers) So, can I expect you in the restaurant in your finest dress in half an hour?

Impa: ...

Ganondorf: Well?

Impa: YES! A bet's a bet. But I want you to remember that that is the ONLY reason I am going out with you.

Ganondorf: Oh, I understand.

(She sighs and heads for her bedroom.)

Ganondorf: WOOOHHOOOOO!

(Scene: A dark theater. The silhouettes of Link, Saria, Saria's Fairy and Darunia are seen moving towards the screen.)

Link: Ow! I stepped on someone!

Saria: Me! Watch it!

Darunia: Hey, cool! I'm stuck to the floor!

Saria's Fairy: Shut up and sit down! I want to watch the movie!

(They sit down, and the movie starts)

Old Rose: Yes, I know the girl in the picture. It's me.

Link: Aren't I darn sexy?

Guy: That's you?

Saria: EW! EW! EW! BAAAAAD IMAGE!

Guy: And what about the necklace?

Darunia: Oh, that old thing? I pawned it years ago.

Guy 2: Who drew the picture?

Saria's Fairy: I DID! I specialize in nude self-portraits.

Link: Is it even possible to do a nude self- portrait?

Darunia: With a really big mirror?

Saria: What's with all the nude humor?

Link: Yeah! Shouldn't they call it TIT-anic?

Saria's Fairy: (Slaps him) Don't say that! This is a family show!

Old Rose: I remember it like it was yesterday...

Darunia: Wait! It WAS yesterday!

(Scene: In the game room. Malon is still working.)

Malon: Come ON! Smiley face, smiley face... NO! Not a pink heart! SMILEY FACE! SMILEY FACE!

Video game: HAHA! YOU LOSE! You shall never beat the Master Puzzler! Loser, loser, loser...

Malon: Oh yeah? JUST WATCH ME!

(She pops in another 25 cents, totaling her at 576 quarters. Video game music starts again)

Malon: I WILL CONQUER!

(Scene: Chez Zelda Restaurant. Ganondorf sits alone at a table for two, wearing a fancy solid black tux. Finally, Impa comes in.)

Ganondorf: Ah, Impa! You look lovely!

(She is wearing a solid black evening gown)

Impa: Shove it.

Ganondorf: Now come on! Are you going to make it worse for yourself by griping all night?

Impa: What are you talking about?

Ganondorf: Are you going to try and have a good time? Or are you going to whine all night and automatically have a terrible time?

Impa: Gee, I never thought about it that way!

Ganondorf: See? Everything gets better if you have a positive attitude!

Impa: I've never seen this side of you before! I always thought you were so... mean.

Ganondorf: Yes. Many people have that misconception. Actually, I'm quite a philosophical person when you get to know me.

Impa: I'm sorry. Perhaps it's my Sheikah nature that makes me so gothic and pessimistic.

Ganondorf: More than likely. But it's not what you are that makes you you; it's how you show the world what you feel and think inside.

Impa: That's so... deep! I think we might start to get along now that we've had this conversation.

Ganondorf: I certainly hope so.

Impa: (Looks into his eyes dreamily) Me too... Ganny-Poo!

Ganondorf: Gee! Nobody's called me that in years! That was my nickname as a child!

Impa: I like it. I think it's cute.

Ganondorf: Me too... did you have a nickname?

Impa: I was called (says lots of weird noises) bawkbaksqueakYEEEEAAAAAAAAOOOOOWWWTAbboomboomeeeek!

Ganondorf: (Eyes popped out.) Uh yeah... how about Impy-Wuvvy?

Impa: I love it! Ganny-Poo...

Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy...

Both: (Sigh)

(Meanwhile, back in the living room)

Zelda: One for Ganondorf... one for Link... Another for Ganon... Another for Link...

LL: Don't sound so depressed! It's actually kind of fun!

Zelda: What exactly DO you Gorons do for fun?

LL: Well, usually we eat rocks, or roll down cliffs, or something.

Zelda: Jeez, you guys would think this is fun!

LL: Yep! This is a blast!

Zelda: Gorons! Can't live with them, can't eat them.

(Back in the theater)

Jack: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!

Link: Oh great! Having Leonardo Di-Craprio as king would be worse than having Pat Buchanan for President!

Darunia: Is that even possible to have something worse than President Buchanan?

Jack: WOOOOHOOOOOO!

Saria: And then the ship goes through a low tunnel.

Saria's Fairy: BONG! There go the piano lessons!

Cal: Come along, Rose.

Link: That Hal guy is starting to tick me off.

Darunia: It's Cal.

Link: Whatever. Let's definstrate him!

Saria: What's that?

Link: Throw him out the window.

Darunia: That's my new word of the week.

(Back in the restaurant)

Ganondorf: And then she says, "Hey Ganondorf! Get off my sword!" And I say, "That's not a sword! That's my nose!"

Impa: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Ganny-Poo! You're so funny!

Ganondorf: But looks aren't everything, Impy-Wuvvy!

Impa: WHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't know any other guys who would make fun of themselves for a laugh!

Ganondorf: I'm not like most guys!

Impa: I know...

(The waiter steps up with their dinners)

Ganondorf: Oh! Baked Keese Snot Omelet! My favorite!

Impa: I'm rather partial to Chicken Fried Tektite myself.

Ganondorf: Well, you are what you eat.

Impa: WHAT? Are you calling me a Tektite? How could you?

Ganondorf: Oh no! I meant that you are like a Tektite in your ways, you know? You're both jeweled, and very pretty when you're not biting off someone's ear.

Impa: That's so sweet! But you just called yourself Keese snot!

Ganondorf: I am just Keese snot. Nobody loves me!

Impa: I love you.

Ganondorf: Really? Truly?

Impa: I guess so, yeah.

Ganondorf: That's so nice! The last people to love me were my mothers. I wonder what they're doing right now...

(Actually, Koume and Kotake are in Kakariko Village, interviewing a few villagers about Link's whereabouts.)

Koume: So, you have seen him?

Deranged Guy from Windmill: He's around! He's around! He's around, around, around! He's been around here! Maybe drinking beer!

Kotake: You make no sense. Where is he?

Deranged Guy: He's around! He's around! He's around, around, around! I have seen the klutz! Shooting chicken's butts!

Koume: Pleeeease! Just tell us where he is!

Deranged Guy: He's around! He's around! He's around, around, around! He's been to this place! I've seen his ugly face!

Cop 1: Ladies! Move back! This guy's escaped from the Hyrule Home for the Reality Challenged! He's armed and dangerous! Watch out! Get back!

Cop 2: Please move away, ladies! He'll kill you!

Kotake: Who, this sweet fellow? He wouldn't hurt two sweet old ladies like us!

Deranged Guy: AAAAIIIIEEEEEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEE! DIE, WITCHY SLIME!

(He pulls out his chainsaw and leaps forward at Twinrova)

Twinrova: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Cop 1 pulls out a stun gun and gives the guy a shock.)

Deranged Guy: 'Lectric shock! 'Lectric Shock! I just got a 'Lectric shock! Got it in the rear! For trying to kill these ladies here!

Koume: NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY! NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY!

(She whacks him in the head with an umbrella repeatedly.)

Kotake: Let's be moving on sister, shall we?

Koume: If only we could find that little brat Hero of Time!

Cop 2: Link? Oh, I've seen him hanging out around Lake Hylia! Why didn't you say so?

Kotake: Lake Hylia, huh? Oh, hee hee hee! Thanks officer!

Koume: Tee hee hee! Goodbye!

(The witches hop their brooms and fly away)

Cop 1: Sweet old ladies. Too bad this nut tried to kill them. This guy's really got a few screws loose.

Cop 2: Oh yeah? You haven't seen that fish princess gal, have you? She's really flown over the cuckoo's nest!

Cop 1: I wonder what makes people go crazy so suddenly like that.

Deranged Guy: Stupid kid! Stupid kid! Stupid, stupid, stupid kid! Played that song a bid! He'll be sorry that he did!

(Scene: Game room. Malon has made herself quite comfortable in the room, by moving in a cot, a box of donuts, and a thermos of coffee.)

Malon: Come and try me again, Master Puzzler! I've made it to the Super Duper Ultra Hard Puzzle Bonus Round! If I score at least 500 points, I'll be able to take you on myself! So, back off!

Video Game: Ha ha ha. No one has ever beaten the mighty Master Puzzlers' Super Duper Ultra Hard Bonus Round! You will not be the first!

Malon: JUST WATCH ME!

(The annoying music starts up, and Malon quickly starts moving the joystick around.)

Malon: I'm almost there! YES! I DID IT! I BEAT THE SUPER DUPER ULTRA HARD BONUS ROUND! I get to face the Master Puzzler! YAAHOOOO!

Video Game: Very well. But now that you have defeated my Master Puzzler Apprentices, you have to face me! And I will not be so easy!

Malon: I'm ready for you!

Video Game: Here we go!

(Annoying music starts)

Malon: Ha! You seem to be faltering, Master Puzzler!

Video Game: Not hardly, weak one!

Malon: YEOW! You just got rid of five rows all at once!

Video Game: That's why they call me the Master Puzzler!

Malon: Ha! Beat that!

Video Game: NO! How could you get rid of seven rows?

Malon: I AM THE TRUE MASTER PUZZLER!

Video Game: NO! YOU HAVE WON! I HAVE LOST! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!

Malon: YAY! YEAH BABY, YEAH! I am the winner! I am the winner!

Video Game: Very well. You have earned the honor of putting your initials on the Master Puzzler's Mighty Magic Initial Board of Honor and Glory!

Malon: YES! Here I am, up on the first slot! M... L... L! TADA! Malon Lon-Lon's initials shall forever remain up upon the Mighty Magic Initial Board of Honor and Glory! I AM FOREVER REMEMBERED!

Video Game: Yes, but you have lost over $1,948,870 in quarters inside my coin slot. I still am the winner!

Malon: $1,948,870? HOW COULD I SPEND THAT MUCH? Dad's gonna kill me! Drat!

(She kicks the side of the video game, and a door on the other side flies open.)

Video Game: Uh oh! Ignore that door! Ignore that door! There's nothing for you in there!

(Malon goes to the other side and peers in the door. A little man in a green coat sits, pulling levers and pushing buttons and speaking into a microphone. A huge pile of quarters is stacked up behind him)

Malon: HEY! What are you doing in there?

Guy: Oh no! You found out the secret of the arcade games! The others are going to kill me!

Malon: I know that voice! You're the Master Puzzler!

Master Puzzler: Yes, it's me. And before you say you hate me, I know. Everyone hates me!

Malon: Maybe if you weren't so rude to everyone who plays your game, people will like you more.

MP: Rude? How was I rude?

Malon: (In a mocking voice) Ha ha! You lose! Loser, loser, loser, loser!

MP: OK, I'm sorry. You are the true Master Puzzler, and I will never mock you or people who play me ever again!

Malon: It's alright. I was getting pretty violent myself. So, uh Master Dude... can I have my quarters back?

MP: Hmmm... NO! (Slams door shut)

Malon: WHAT? You cheap little dirtbag! Open up! Open up! Open up! I am the MASTER PUZZLER! LET ME IN! LET ME IN! Come on! Open up! Let me in, you creep! GIVE ME MY MONEY!

(Scene: Living room)

LL: One for Link! One for Ganon! One for Link! One for Ganon! One for Ganon! WOOHOO! THIS IS SO FUN!

Zelda: ... grumblegrumble...

(Scene: Theater)

Rose: I feel as if I could fly!

Link: Go for it! Jump! Save the rest of the movie!

Saria: While you're at it, take Jack with you!

(Scene: Restaurant again. Impa stares dreamily across the table to Ganondorf, who is playing a small banjo and singing.)

Ganondorf: You are so beautiful to me! Can't you see? You are so beautiful to me! Yes indeed! You're everything I hope for! You're everything I need! You are so beautiful to meeeEEEEEEE!

Impa: That is so wonderful! Before, your singing always sounded so... bad. But now, I know it's just the way it comes off as. If you really listen, it's beautiful! You have the voice of an angel!

Ganondorf: No I don't. I have horrible singing.

Impa: Why are you always putting yourself down? You must have a terrible self-esteem! Why do you do that?

Ganondorf: It's a long story. It all started when I was a kid. When I was born, my mom died of a bad case of acne, and my father walked out when I was 2 minutes old. So Koume and Kotake decided to raise me.

Impa: That's terrible!

Ganondorf: And they always were good, and they spoiled me with all the games and toys and stuff I could want. But when I turned 10, they just started to neglect me. I was on my own, cooking, cleaning, and buying my own clothes. Finally, I figured out they were neglecting me because of my excruciatingly severe BO. So I took my first bath, and I've been traumatized for life.

Impa: Aww!

Ganondorf: When I was 12, I got my first pet, Mr. Bojangles. And we had so much fun! Then one day, Mr. Bojangles got run over by me on my scooter.

Impa: That's so sad. I've never known what it's like to lose a dog.

Ganondorf: Mr. Bojangles was a hamster.

Impa: Um, still.

Ganondorf: Well that's about it. You know the rest, became King of the Gerudos, got evil, tried to take over the world. (Sniffs) I've had such a hard life! And then when my mommies died, I cried and cried for days! NOBODY LOVES ME!

Impa: I love you.

Ganondorf: Really?

Impa: Yeah, we went over this already.

Ganondorf: But last time you said, "Yeah, I guess so." Is it still "Yeah, I guess so"?

Impa: Actually, I don't think so. You're the most incredible man I've ever met! I want to spend the rest of my pathetic little life with you!

Ganondorf: Oh Impy-Wuvvy!

Impa: Ganny-Poo...

Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy...

Impa: Ganny-Poo...

(BLEAH! Well, moving on, Link and CO are still watching Titanic)

Jack: Rose, promise me you'll survive! Promise me you'll grow up and have lots of children!

Rose: Jack, don't talk like that!

Saria: Talk like Mr. T!

(She realizes the guys are silent)

Saria's Fairy: Hey, are you guys going to make any more jokes?

Link: (Sniffs) No way! This is SOOOO SAD!

Darunia: Poor Rose! WAAAAAAAAAAA!

Link: WAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAA!

(Cheesy Titanic music starts, and Link and Darunia become inconsolable.)

Link: Doo doo DOOOOOOOO doo dee dooo doooOOOOOO! Doo dee DOO-oooooo doo doooo!

Darunia: Doodee Doooooo do do do DOOOOOOO do de DOOOOOOOOOOO do DOODe doooooo!

Link: Every night in my dreams! I see you! I feel you! That is how I know you go on...

Darunia: Love was when I loved you...

Link: NO! It's "Far across the distance with spaces between us"

Darunia: Yoooou have come to show you go on!

Link: Near...

Darunia: Far...

Both: WHEREVER YOU ARE! I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO ON!

Saria: Oh brother!

Darunia: Once more...

Link: You OOOOOOPEN THE DOOR!

Darunia: And you're here in my heart and...

Both: MY HEART WILL GO ON AND ON!

Saria's Fairy: Stop being babies! Act like the men you are!

Saria: Come on, let's go. These two are starting to scare me.

(The girl and her fairy leave. Link and Darunia continue to sing)

Link: Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime!

Darunia: And never let go till we're gone!
Far across the distance with spaces between us!

Link: NO! We sang that part already!

Darunia: But it's so pretty!

Both: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Scene: Restaurant. The couple is about to suck face. EW!)

Impa: Ganondorf...

Ganondorf: Impa...

Impa: Ganondorf...

Ganondorf: Impa...

Voice from off camera: GANONDORF!

Both: Huh?

(Two cops rush in and throw Ganondorf to the floor. They slip on handcuffs, and lift him up)

Ganondorf: WHAAA? What's going on?

Cop 1: Ganondorf Dragmire, you are under arrest for bribery and cheating in the Big Brother Darunia Game Show!

Impa: WHAT?

Cop 2: It's true! This guy's been paying the stage crew guys to tell him who's getting voted off on the next show!

Impa: Ganondorf, are these men telling the truth?

Ganondorf: (Blushes) Yes... but before you get mad, I need to explain...

(The lights go out and a single spotlight shines on the Evil King. A recording of BSB's "The Call" plays in the background.)

Ganondorf: Here's the story about the bribe that changed my destiny!
I got on the Big Brother show and I was in real misery.
Was about to go out with Impa and there he was in front of me he says
"Hi. I know who's going off the show. Wanna know?"
I should have said no. Impa was waiting for me!
But I paid him up and now I'm saying
Listen Impa I'm sorry. Just wanna tell you not to worry.
I'm going to jail so don't wail when you visit me!
What there's no bail? Well that's not fair my lady's over there!
And if you care
I couldn't not accept that bribe. I couldn't not accept that bribe!
Impa dear.

(Cop 2 hits him with night stick, and music stops)

Cop 2: That's enough out of you, lover-boy!

Impa: Oh Ganondorf!

Ganondorf: Please, don't be mad at me!

Impa: I'm not! That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me! You were just trying to protect me from being evicted!

Ganondorf: Uh, yeah! That's right!

Impa: Do you have to go?

Ganondorf: I've gotta go. Sometimes a fellow's just got to go with the cops. I've got to get in jail, go to trial, and get parole.

Impa: Will I ever see you again?

Ganondorf: I don't know. But if you don't I just want you to know that... that...

Impa: Yes?

Ganondorf: You're the most beautiful girl in the world, and I want to marry you.

Impa: Really? Of course! I'll marry you!

Ganondorf: Really? Oh Impa! I'll be real good in jail! Maybe I'll get parole!

Impa: And when you get out, I'll be waiting for you!

Ganondorf: I love you Impa!

Impa: I love you too, Ganondorf!

(She runs into his arms and they kiss)

Cop 2: That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen!

Cop 1: Yeah. Too bad.

(They continue for about 20 seconds, and finally the cops get grossed out.)

Cop 2: Come on, Romeo! You can give Juliet a letter from prison!

Ganondorf: Goodbye, my love...

(Impa watches her soul mate slip away into the patrol car, and she sits down at the table.)

Impa: Goodbye, Ganon... (Sniffs) WAAAAAAAAA!

(Scene: Upstairs. Little Link and Zelda have finally finished the votes, just as the group returns from the North Rooms.)

LL: OK everyone, the votes have been recounted. And the evictee is Ganondorf!

Zelda: Where is Ganondorf anyway?

(Impa bursts into tears)

Link: (Sniffs) Impa, is he... gone?

Impa: Yes.

Darunia: Just like in Titanic!

Link, Darunia and Impa: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Malon: Ow, my eyes hurt...

Saria: Wow Malon, your eyes are completely red!

Saria's Fairy: Cool! Lemme see! Lemme see! Lemme see! Lemme see!

LL: OK, did I miss something?

(The contestants sit for a minute, with no speech except for Link, Impa and Darunia's crying.)

LL: Um, OK. Well, I guess that's all for this week's show. Please tune in next week for more wacky mis-adventures in the Big Brother castle! Once again, I'm Little Link for Big Brother Darunia signing off. Remember... Big Brother Darunia...

Darunia: (In teary voice) He's watching you! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Saria: Oh brother! You'd think they'd never seen a sad movie before!

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This game has been screwed up by: Galaxy Girl
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co.
http://www.angelfire.com/co3/kellworld

Legend of Zelda: OoT and all related Indicia are property of Nintendo of America. No infringement of copyright is intended.

Titanic and all related indicia are property of... whoever. I know I didn't follow the script exactly, and I know I stink at MST-ing. But, um, let's just pretend I know what I'm doing.