Fan Fiction ❯ Bitter-Sweet Delusions ❯ Photographs ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

13 years. 13 long years since I have been locked away inside this bare room of torture. I have had no contact with anyone but those beings created by my hallucinations, no sunlight but the few bleak rays that managed to break through the dense foliage and shine sadly through my solitary window. No colors, everything here is either a sullen, dead gray or yellow tinted white. No ways to please my thirst for freedom and cure my restlessness. Nothing but me, my cot, my window, four walls, and the photographs. This is all there has been for 13 years. And that is all there will, and can, ever be.

I have long since come to except the emptiness of this half-life, but one does miss the joy of the world outside. Perhaps that’s why the photographs are so unbearable, so haunting. They remind me of the outer world, of the joy I came so very close to possessing, and the people who I have sacrificed my freedom for.

I must take back my former statement, those pictures are all the color I have left in my life. The photographs are spread out on my cot and floor right now, a jumble of brightly colored memories severing only to taunt me with what I so sorely miss. I glance over at them from my place at the window sill, wondering faintly if I was a masochist for keeping my greatest weakness so close to me that it could, and is, tearing at the sanity and hope that is left in me. That is, if there is anything even left.

I smile sadly at the pictures, although I can’t see them clearly from my current position. It doesn’t matter though, I know each and every one of them by heart. They are constant slide show playing in the dark recesses my mind, torturing my with their sweet scenes and the knowledge of my lost happiness. Each of them is held close, loved and cared for as my delicate memories of my past and the daydreams of a would have been reality.

I stand and walk over to the bed to fully take in the sight of my precious tokens of the past. There are too many to count, I lost track after the numbers reached into the third digits. All together they fill every inch my bed and over half of the floor, and I am careful not to step on one as I walk through my meager confinement.

I stare at them for a few moments, just taking in the glossy mound of pictures. Each one holds an event, person, or thing that is significant to me. Each photograph depicts my former life and the lives of my former comrades. Truly I wish I could gather more photos of their lives now, but I am stuck with these thirteen year old still frames that show happier times.

These photos were the only thing I was allowed to keep here with me during my imprisonment. It was a miracle the committee granted me even that. I brought nothing else, the guards provided me with my gray uniform and a wash towel set for bathing. I glance at the basin in the far corner, remembering that they had not sent water in at least four days. I revert my gaze back to my treasures, actives like bathing hardly held my attention anymore. Nothing but the photos and my thoughts can hold me attention anymore.

The first picture to catch my wary eye is my personal favorite, always at the top of my half sorted pile. I pick it up and hold it gingerly, not wanting to hurt the treasure. I smile softly and allow my eyes to wonder over the photo. I take in ever detail and file it away for the thousandth time.

“ Ren…” I whisper lightly, smiling fondly at the darling redhead in the photograph. I trace her delicate face with my finger. My smile grows as I look down at her preserved smile. “ My little, sweet Ren.”

Ren was only 16 when this photo was taken. I sometimes wonder if she’s changed and if she still remembers me. Even if it has 13 years I doubt she has forgotten me. Even though I realize her remembrance would be of an enemy, not a love or even a friend. But really what does it matter now? Everything I’ve done I have done for her.

I sigh contently and put down the picture of my brown-eyed Ren, only to pick another photograph. This one was taken at the lake 3 months before my so called ‘betrayal’. Everyone is present in the picture: Ren, Lila, Harry, Gina, Dexter, and myself. Even stubborn Terry showed up that day. And anyone who knows Terry, knows that that was a once in a lifetime occurrence.

I don’t even remember why we went to the lake that day, all I can remember is that I was happy then. Me. Happy. It seems a bit funny to say after all this time, but I was really happy back then. I was able to be, even if only for a little while, a normal person. A person who could be looked up to instead of down upon like I have been for most of my life. But as everything good thing in life my happiness could not last.

He had to ruin everything. It’s all his fault, he made me betray me friends, he made be hurt them. He is the reason I’m locked away. Because of what he did I can never be trusted again. He being of course my other self.

He told me to call him Master, but I don’t want to flatter him. I suppose it is fitting though. I have carried out his will for as long as I can remember. I have never disobeyed a direct order, never allowed anyone to find him. Truly I have spent my entire life severing him. And I feel that I always will serve him.

Always. The very thought scares me. I don’t want to under his control, I want to be free of my servitude to him. But I know I can’t be. And even if I was to rid myself of him I can’t make things right. It’s to late for that. Its like everything’s broken and I don’t have any more glue. Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

I smile softly and put the photo back down. I carefully walk back to my dark window and sit in the sill. The moon’s out tonight, I can tell from the few ray of light that are falling into the forest below. The stars must be out to and I bet it is late. Maybe around 10, and maybe even later. Who’s to care about the time, though? It’s not like I don’t have all the time in the world.

No, actually I do. I have plenty of time, all the time I’ll ever need or want. All the time between here and death is mine. For until the day that I die I shall remain in this tiny, dark room alone. That is my sentence, my punishment for betraying my friends. My punishment for hurting her…

No, I won’t think about that now. She’s fine now anyway. She survived and she’s doing well. Ren is perfectly fine, so there’s no need for me to worry about her. Ren isn’t hurt anymore, I made sure of that before I came here. And at any rate Gina and Dexter wouldn’t let harm come to her. They promised to protect her while I was gone.

And they will. Ren is safe within their care. Nothing will be able to hurt her ever again. Everyone who was at the lake that day will surely risk their lives before allowing her to suffer. That’s what they did before, and that’s what they’ll do in any attack or event in the future. I am confident in them, just like I‘ve always been.

Those guys have always looked after Ren. She was like the group’s adopted little sister, everyone protected her. Lila and Harry did their part, they gave her food and shelter. Even Terry protected her to some degree. But Gina and Dexter did the most for her. Dexter was her real brother so that shouldn’t come as a surprise, Gina however was her best friend. No matter what happened to themselves, no matter if they got hurt in the process, they sheltered Ren. Those two, and the rest, did love her.

I wonder how they are doing now, Gina and Dexter I mean. It has been such a very long time since I last seen them, such a long thirteen years. Gina, bless her soul, was even the last person I ever saw and as a result , she was the last real person I have talked to since I came here. Even now I can hear the words she said that day, as I can remember every detail from that day.

That day Gina was crying. She seemed depressed to watch me get locked away in this place. I suppose it would make sense for her to cry. Gina was the only one who really seemed to care, other then Ren of course. The others never really were close to me, they just blindly accepted me because of Ren did. Gina was the one who tried to become close and tried to care for me. So it makes sense that all that happened between us would hurt her.

But I was startled and confused because of her words. Really, I had expected her to be angry with me or to hate me, or at the least to be saddened over Ren’s and the other’s injuries. Instead she was sad for me. Gina was worried about my future and my welfare. She was actually sad for me. And she cried for me.

“ I know that I should be angry at you. Y-you hurt my friends. Ren, she’s…After what you did to her and the others I should hate you. But I, I just can’t. You were my closest friend, I’ve always looked up to you. And even after what you have done, I can’t help but to pity you and want you to be free. I don’t want you to be locked away forever! I want you to be happy! I- I love you.” That’s what she, Gina, said to me. Then she burst into tears and ran off, hurdling herself into Dexter’s waiting arms as she sobbed. It was almost beautiful. Painful and shocking, but beautiful.

At first I really didn’t know how to react to her words. It seemed , and still it seems, ludicrous that some one would say they loved me after I had betrayed them. Really, all it did was made me question the younger girl’s sanity. Still I probability should have said something to her instead of just standing there, gaping at her like a fool. I would not have been able to return her feelings of course, I love Ren, but I should have said something to calm down the poor thing.

But what could I have said that could change the course of my fate? Nothing. Nothing at all, could keep me from the fate that I had acquired. Nothing that can be said can alter my dark destiny. Perhaps, though I should have said something to clam her down. That way I could have a clear conscience.

The thought immediately makes me chuckle madly. Hah, me with a clear conscience? Me? It hardly seems believable. It’s laughable. I don’t deserve a clear conscience, not after what I have done. For my sins, I deserve to be tormented by my immense guilt and regret everyday for the rest of my life. And as I sit here staring into the deep forest, thinking deeply about my horrid crimes and about my beloved photographs, I realize that’s exactly what I will always do.