Fan Fiction ❯ Evil-O-Matic 3000 ❯ The Inauguration Barbecue -or- Crime And Punishment! ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Ganondorf and the Evil-O-Matic 3000
by Galaxy Girl


CHAPTER ONE: THE INAUGURATION PARTY

Everyone in Hyrule was very excited. Um... well, maybe not EVERYONE. The Gorons were actually fairly happy, and the Zoras were feeling all right, and the Kokiri were feeling rather average. But almost everyone else in Hyrule was excited!
Why, do you ask? Because it was the day of the inauguration party.
Every four years, in order to establish a more "Democratic" government in Hyrule, the Royal Family held elections to be the monarch of their fair land. And every four years, everyone would vote to decide who they wanted ordering them around ceaselessly.
Unfortunately, because of loopholes in the voting laws and exclusions of most major races from running, every year there was only one candidate: Zelda.
This year, her campaign was: "VOTE ZELDA. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE".
And since everyone in Hyrule was 1. Very pleased with the way Zelda was running things and 2. Too stupid how to figure out a way around the loophole, she was now entering her 5th term as Princess of Hyrule.
It was time for the big inauguration bash. Every time she was re-elected, Zelda would hold a big barbecue on the castle grounds to celebrate. EVERYONE who was ANYONE would be there. And it always turned out to be a colorful celebration (for more reasons than one). Because usually, Ganondorf (The only everyone who was anyone that was NOT invited) would always figure out some way to screw it up.
For her very first inauguration, when she was a 1-year-old, Ganondorf hired a clown to come in and entertain the guests. Unfortunately, Zelda's father the King was deathly afraid of clowns, and he ended up wetting his pants at the table and ruining the upholstered throne.
For her second inauguration when she was 5 and old enough to know what was going on, Ganondorf replaced the cake with another one, this one including a wild scantily-dressed Gerudo woman. When she popped out of the cake, she caused all of the MEN at the party to wet their pants and ruin the upholstered chairs.
For her third inauguration, when she was 10 (shortly before the Ocarina of Time), Ganondorf rigged the speakers to play nothing but Duran-Duran for six hours straight.
For her fourth inauguration at age 15, Zelda had planned an elegant formal dinner inside the great hall. Thinking that Ganondorf couldn't interfere from his new prison, she thought it was safe to give all the castle guards the day off. But Ganondorf ended up escaping that time, and he threw dissected frogs into the Jello salad and made it snow corn flakes.
This time, Zelda was CONVINCED not to let Ganondorf screw up her inauguration... Since she had allowed him to resume living in Gerudo Valley as long as he crossed-his-heart-and-hoped-to-die he wouldn't do anything evil, she was going to let security rest a little bit.

Zelda stood nervously by the barbecue in her summer outfit, greeting every guest that came to get a hot dog from Impa, wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron.
"Impa... I don't know if I should have- HELLO! Welcome! Thanks for voting for me!- let the guards have the day off today... After all, last- Welcome! Please have a good time!- time I did that..."
"I know, I know," Impa said, rolling her eyes and flipping a hamburger. "But you already made a big enough mistake trusting Ganondorf to stay away. Now all you can do is hope that he decides to keep his word."
"If he doesn't..." Zelda said quietly but threateningly, "I'm going to do something terrible to him."
"Zelda! Really!" Impa scolded, serving up a burger to Nabooru. "Making idle threats like that!"
"Idle threats about who?" asked Nabooru. She was wearing a sport visor over her normal big-jewel thingy and had a Frisbee in her pocket.
"Ganondorf! I hope he doesn't MESS UP my party like he did last time!" Zelda wailed.
"Oh, HIM? He's at home, sulking up in his tower." Nabooru laughed. "And please, make all the idle threats about him you want. He deserves it. Stupid ski-jump nose."
And with that, she threw back her head and sprayed a blast of horseradish and mustard on her burger.

Link sat nervously on his picnic blanket, trying to open one of those dumb little ketchup packets, and watching the castle grounds warily.
"Link, WHAT are you looking for?" asked Saria, who was munching on a bag of chips next to him. "Ganondorf would be an idiot to try and mess up another inauguration party." Saria was wearing a sunny summer tunic, and a green wide-brimmed hat.
"Who said anything about Ganondorf? I'm looking for Ruto." Link said warily. He was wearing his sunglasses, and (for a change) some shorts and sandals instead of his tights and boots.
He surveyed the goings-on of the party. The Gerudos, completely used to the summer heat and not at all used to the grass, were playing volleyball. Most of the Hylian men were watching the Gerudos... and the women were all playing blackjack at a table. The Gorons (sans Darunia who was getting food) were playing Roll-Down-The-Hill-And-Then-Get-Up-Again and Goron Soccer (in which a Goron is actually the soccer ball), and waiting for Impa to finish grilling their rock sirloins. The Kokiri had been granted leave from the forest for the day, and they were all huddled in the corner, scared to death of the Gorons and Zoras.
And speaking of the Zoras, they were all laying out on towels, trying to get tans, while they took turns hosing each other off from the heat. King Zora was at the end of a long buffet table, where he kept asking people loading up their plates if, "... they are going to eat that? And that? And that? And that?". No sign of Ruto, though.
Link sighed and took a big gulp of soda, when he heard it: The call of fear:
"YOOOOOHOOOO! LOVER-BOYYYYYY!"
He sat up, and spat out every sip of soda he'd had so far (stopping every once and a while to take breaths), and screamed.
Ruto was at the end of the buffet table, in a hat and sunglasses with a little bit of sunscreen on her nose, waving ecstatically. "I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, SWEETIE! JUST AS SOON AS I FINISH FEEDING THE DAD!" She took another plate of food and threw it at her father, who ate it whole.
This comment rose a stir of activity from the Hylian women table, where a young lady with red hair in overalls, a baseball cap and a t-shirt threw down her cards, and stood up, looking around. When she saw Link, she snickered, grabbed her poker chips, and said, "Hold my cards for me, girls... I'm going to go get some... meat." And with that Malon began marching towards the empty blanket next to Link.
Zelda's eyes sprang open when she saw Malon heading across the grounds. "Oh... oh NO SHE DOESN'T! LIIIIINK! SAVE ME A SPOT, HONEY!" she cried, loading a plate with food and scampering across the grass.
Link looked around frantically. Ruto was coming from the east, and Malon from the west... Zelda was approaching fast from the south.
"SARIA! SAVE ME!" he shrieked, grabbing her by the shirt.
"Ow!" she whined. "You made me swallow a chip the wrong way!"
Link was running out of time... the girls were gaining, and there was no other means of escape, except...
"DARUNIA, MY MAN!" Link screamed quickly. Darunia, who was looking for a place to sit in the northern part of the grass, span around. "COME AND HAVE A SEAT!"
"OOH! Don't mind if I do!" Darunia chuckled, racing over to the empty blanket and sitting down just as the other three girls reached it.
Ruto, Malon and Zelda looked at Darunia. Then at Link. Then at each other. All three of them sighed, and headed back to where they were sitting before.
Link sighed and popped open another soda. "Darunia buddy, you're always there when I need ya."

A couple hours passed without any sign of the G-meister coming to ruin the party. Zelda, even though she had lost her spot next to Link, was blissfully happy. It was finally time for her inauguration speech!
"Wish me luck, Impa!" she grinned, grabbing her speech notes and heading up to the microphone.
Everyone clapped as Zelda stood at the mike, fumbled through her notes, and spoke (after donning a classy pair of glasses).
"My fellow Hylians!" she said jubilantly. "And Gorons... and Zoras... and Kokiri. I hope you're all having a wonderful time at my soiree!"
There was mumbling throughout the crowd, followed by a collective, "WHAT!?"
"Soiree! Throng! Affair! Gala!" she continued. Zelda was met by puzzled looks.
"Grrr... PARTY!"
"AAH!"
She rolled her eyes and continued.
"As you all know, today is the day that I officially begin my fifth term as your beloved princess and oppressor!" she said. Suddenly, she froze. Was it just her, or did her mike just crackle out?
Everyone looked puzzled.
"Um, no, I didn't say oppressor!" she said quickly. "Er, anyway... This term, I plan to raise the wages of the Goron bomb-miners on Death Mountain-"
All the Gorons cheered happily.
"... Lower prices for fish and fish-by-products for the Zoras!"
The Zoras clapped and whistled.
"... Pay more attention to environmental issues for the Kokiri, provide more air-conditioning service for the Gerudo..."
The Kokiri and Gerudo celebrated.
"... and cure the fleas in my underwear drawer!"
Zelda gasped, and stared at the microphone. She did NOT say that.
Everyone burst into giggles, and Impa raised her eyebrows at Zelda. "Zelda! You have fleas in your-"
"No! I don't! Really!" she said quickly. "Someone is messing with my microphone!"
Everyone looked around confusedly.
"I hate you all! I wish you all would get lice and scratch until your bald spot was as big as the space between Darunia's ears!"
Everyone gasped, and Darunia stood up angrily, his face covered in rock-sirloin and barbecue sauce. "ZELDA! TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY MY SWORN SISTER?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU! NOW I'M REALLY... REALLY MAD!"
"DARUNIA! I... I didn't say that!" Zelda shrieked.
"Ruto's so ugly when she goes to the zoo, she has to buy two tickets- one to get in and one to get out!"
Ruto gasped, whimpered, and burst into tears. "I do NOOOOT! WAAAAA!"
"Ruto! Ruto come on, you gotta believe me! I'm not even touching the microphone!" Zelda gasped. "Look! Watch my lips!"
She stood there silently, and sure enough, her voice continued over the loudspeaker.
"Hey Link, when are you going to grow up and stop wearing Care Bears underpants?"
Link gasped in shock and turned bright red. "I... I do not!"
"Hey everyone, I heard that to earn extra money in the summer, Nabooru loans her pants to the NASCAR guys to use in the car races to slow the cars down at the end!"
Nabooru's eyes narrowed. "How did you know about- Uh... oops. Um..."
"Saria poops her pants!"
"NO I DON'T!" Saria cried indignantly.
By now, everyone was standing up and searching all over for the perpetrator, who continued blurting out awful insults and terrible secrets about everyone in the audience.
Except for one person...
"Her hair is like a silver-polished plate
Shining bright among all of my treasures!
She's muscular, fine, so hot she's just divine!
She's Impa! Embodiment of my pleasures!"
Impa turned completely red and sunk into a lawn chair near the podium, plugging her ears. "Oh sick, oh sick, oh sick..."
Suddenly, Impa heard a childish giggle from underneath the podium. She narrowed her eyes, stood up, and kicked the podium, knocking it over to reveal-
Ganondorf, tampering with the microphone wires and speaking into a voice-changer.
Impa glared at him, and he stopped giggling immediately and froze with a look of terror on his face.
Within seconds, everyone at the party had gathered around the podium, staring at Ganondorf with utter hatred in their eyes.
Except for Zelda. Her eyes were filled with a raw... venom... SEETHING anger.
"Uh..." Ganondorf muttered uneasily. Then he spoke into the voice changer again. "Uh... great party everyone! Heh heh... heh heh... uh... oh no..."


CHAPTER TWO: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

A few minutes later, the party guests were all inside the castle in the royal Room of Judgement, which hadn't been used in quite a while, considering that there was no judicial system in Hyrule.
Link and Darunia were holding Ganondorf handcuffed in the center of the room in front of a judge's podium, at which sat Zelda in a white powdered wig and black robe. The party guests, sans Sages were in the stadium-style seats all around, eating popcorn and eagerly awaiting the treat before them.
The Sages were sitting in the jury seats, glaring at Ganondorf.
Zelda narrowed her eyes at Ganondorf, and pointed her gavel. "Well. What do you have to say for yourself, hmm? You've ruined yet ANOTHER inauguration party of mine! And for no reason, too! You'd better have a GOOD excuse for this, Ganondorf!"
"I... er... jeez, I was just kidding around." Ganondorf snapped.
"KIDDING AROUND?! On this, the most specialest day of my entire life?!?!? MY INAUGURATION!?!?!"
"You've already been inaugurated FOUR... TIMES! You'd think you'd be used to it now! Or at least you would have learned to invite EVERYONE to your parties, because it's the nice thing to do!" Ganondorf protested.
"Invite YOU?! You, the King of Evil? The scummiest lowlife on the face of the planet?" Zelda snapped.
"That's unfair and untrue!" Ganondorf protested again.
"SILENCE!" Zelda barked, pounding her gavel over and over again. "I, PRINCESS ZELDA OF HYRULE AND REIGNING SOVEREIGN OVER THE LAND OF HYRULE SENTENCE YOU, GANONDORF DRAGMIRE, TO FIFTY BAJILLION YEARS IN PRISON!" she screamed maniacally, causing everyone to gasp in shock and then cheer loudly.
"HEY! HEY! HEY! You can't do that!" Ganondorf shrieked. "You can't sentence me! You're not a judge! You're a princess!"
"What a coincidence. The princess is allowed to serve in the role as judge." Zelda said smoothly. "Should I lock you up first for a while before the official sentencing? Hmm... I think I will!"
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" Ganondorf shrieked again. "You can't lock me up! Only a jailer can do that! And you're just a princess and a judge!"
"What a coincidence," Zelda snickered, pulling a ring of keys off her belt. "I'm also the jailer."
"I WILL NOT BE THROWN IN JAIL LIKE SOME COMMON CRIMINAL!" Ganondorf cried. "What I did was a stroke of GENIUS! A well-executed plan of MISCHIEF AND TRICKERY! AHAAHHAHA! That's not illegal!"
"We COULD throw you in jail for trying to take over the world," grumbled Nabooru. "And about a million other things. Brainwashing..."
"Thievery," Darunia spat.
"Bribery," Malon added, from the audience.
"Making our sacred deity sick!" Ruto shouted.
"Wrongful imprisonment!" Impa added.
"Murder!" Saria cried, pointing a finger at Ganondorf. "He killed our tree!"
All the Kokiri cheered.
"Hey! I did NOT kill the tree!" Ganondorf protested. "HE killed the tree!" He pointed at Link.
"But I was only trying to undo the curse you put on it with the intention of killing it, isn't that right, Dragmire?" Link snickered.
"... I'm taking the fifth amendment on that." Ganondorf said pompously.
"OK, how about being an evil, cruel, mean, and overall sadistic bastard? Does that work?" Link shot back.
"GUILTY AS CHARGED!" Ganondorf laughed wickedly.
"They have a point you know..." Zelda said, scratching her chin. "And I say... that we... EXECUTE HIM!"
"YAAAAY!" cheered everyone.
"WHAAAAAT!?" Ganondorf shrieked, jumping up. Darunia and Link both pushed him onto his knees again. "What!? I was only- You can't- I was trying to- What I mean is-"
"So what'll it be, hanging, arrow firing squad, or BEHEADING!?" Zelda giggled maliciously.
"Hey! You can't execute me!" Ganondorf shrieked. "You're not an executioner! You're only the princess, the judge, and the jailer!"
"What a coincidence," Zelda snickered, pulling on a black mask. "I'm also the executioner. SOMEONE BRING OUT THE GUILLOTINE! This is gonna be a BLAST!"
The whole audience cheered, and Link raised his hand. "OOH! Zelda, can I get his cape?"
"Sure, why not?" she said, opening a closet and pulling out a guillotine.
Ganondorf was sweating. "Hey man, really! Let's talk this over now... PLEASE?!?! COME ON! Don't kill me! I didn't do anything THAT BAD!!?! PLEASE?!?! HAVE MERCY, SOMEBODY!"
Suddenly, someone whistled for silence and stepped forward.
Everyone shut up.
And who else but Rauru- the wisest and crankiest of the Sages, and last of the Baby Boomer generation of Sages- stepped forward! He was in his nightshirt, and he was wearing a guacamole mask and has his thinning hair all up in curlers.
"YOU LOUSY KIDS!" he snapped, "HERE I WAS IN THE SACRED REALM, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP, WHEN YOU ALL START SCREAMING ABOUT SOME STUPID EXECUTION! IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T YELL ABOUT EXECUTIONS, WE JUST DID THEM AND THEN WENT OUT FOR COFFEE!"
Everyone was silent. He stared around, and then saw Ganondorf, pleading for mercy as Darunia stuck him in the guillotine.
"Oh, it's you, huh?" he sputtered. "I was wondering when they'd turn you in and give you the old one-two." He motioned cutting off his head with his hand.
"OH COME ON RAURU! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!?!?" Ganondorf wailed. "PLEASE! CONVINCE THEM TO HAVE MERCY ON ME! ALL I DID WAS PLAY A PRANK!"
Rauru groaned, looked back and forth from Ganondorf's pitiful puppy face to Zelda, still in her black mask, joyfully exercising her guillotine-pulling arm.
"Oh brother," he said, rolling his eyes.
"YES?!" asked Darunia.
"Not you. All right, all right. I got an idea," he said. "That's better than killing him."
"WOOHOO!" Ganondorf cheered.
"It's not any better for you," Rauru snickered. "I don't appreciate you stealing my ancient sacred relic right out from under my feet.
Ganondorf's joyful look sank, and Zelda's upset look lightened up.
"I'm a faithful subscriber to 'Cranky Old Geezer Monthly' magazine... and every couple months they send me the 'Senile Ancient Clod' catalogue of general youth-deterring products. Last month, I saw a particularly INTERESTING product in there." He pulled a rolled-up catalogue out of his pocket.
Zelda and Link both grinned wickedly and put their hands together in anticipation. Ganondorf turned completely white.
"What... what was it?!" said all three of them at once.
"It was this interesting product called the Evil-O-Matic 3000..." Rauru explained. "Looks like a cute little headgear appliance. We plug it into Dorfy's head here... and then the fun starts."
Ganondorf turned even paler.
Rauru handed Zelda the catalogue, which had the Evil-O-Matic 3000 circled in red ink.
"It's a non-lethal device. But it's meant to turn evil, cruel, sadistic, and overall mean bastards into productive members of society. Every time Ganny here has a nasty thought or starts to say or do something evil, he gets punished. How, I'm not sure. Maybe he gets an electric shock. Maybe he's forced to listen to an episode of Barney 50 times in a row. Maybe he has to do the Charleston for everyone in the room. Might even make him turn all the money in his pockets into the nearest charity bin. Horribly humiliating for him. Hilarious for us." Rauru continued.
Zelda scratched her chin. "Intriguing... VERY intriguing..."
Link giggled maniacally.
Saria smiled.
Darunia nodded quickly.
Ruto laughed.
Impa grinned.
Nabooru ran her fingers together and said, "Eeeeeexcellent..."
"Well then. It's settled. I'll order your new toy on rush delivery to be delivered tomorrow, Ganondorf." Rauru smiled. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." He marched back off towards the Sacred Realm, calling, "I'll have the mailman leave the package on your doorstep, Zelda."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ganondorf squealed pathetically. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF IMPA, PLEASE!"
"Don't use that expression," Impa growled.
"PLEASE! IF YOU HAVE ANY MERCY IN THAT WARM HEART OF GOLD OF YOURS ZELDA! DON'T MAKE ME WEAR THAT... THAT THING!" Ganondorf shrieked. He struggled out of Darunia's grip and raced over to the guillotine, sticking his head in the hole. "HERE! HERE! I CHANGED MY MIND! KILL ME! KILL ME! EXECUTE ME! ANYTHING BUT COMMUNITY SERVICE!"
"I changed my mind too..." Zelda grinned. "I'm gonna enjoy watching you sweat. You're going to wear this Evil-O-Thingy, and you're going to stay in the castle with Impa and me for TWO... MONTHS. AHAHAHAHAHA!"
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Ganondorf protested. "That's cruel and unusual punishment! No judge, jailer, OR executioner can do that!"
"Yeah, but a PRINCESS can. And I am, after all, first and foremost a PRINCESS." Zelda chuckled, removing her black mask.
"NOOOO!" Ganondorf wailed pathetically. A troop of Hylian guards ran over and grabbed his flailing form, dragging him off to the dungeons. "WAIT!" he cried. "And Zelda... what happens if I DO last two months with the thing on?"
"Then... I'll let you take it off." Zelda said simply. "And maybe something else. Depends on how much fun you are to watch."
"Good grief, you're wicked." Ganondorf scolded, shaking his head at Zelda.
"Oh no, Ganondorf sweetie. YOU are. That's why this is so fun!" Zelda grinned.
Ganondorf sunk into a heap and the guards dragged him off to the dungeon.
Link snickered. "Good call, Zelda."
Zelda stood back up on her podium, and nodded. "Court dismissed," she said. "Oh, and... LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE HYLIAN JUSTICE SYSTEM!"
"WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone screamed.
"SHUT UUUUUUUP!" Rauru shouted from the Sacred Realm.
Everyone immediately hushed.
"Let's hear it for the justice system!" Zelda whispered.
"Woooohooooooooooooo!"