Fan Fiction ❯ Evil-O-Matic 3000 ❯ The Evil-O-Matic -and- The Accident! ( Chapter 2 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

CHAPTER THREE: THE EVIL-O-MATIC


The next day, the Room of Judgement was again alight with activity. There wasn't another trial going on: A package had arrived for Zelda from the Senile Ancient Clod catalogue, a division of Cranky Old Geezer magazine, 9999 W. Sea-Bond St. Walla-Walla WA, 98765.
Inside, was an adorable metal silver and pink helicopter beanie with a matching remote control... The Legendary Evil-O-Matic 3000!
The remote included five settings for nice-ness standards. "Average Joe", "Nice Nancy", "Good Karma Karl", "Children's TV Show Star", and the ultimate setting... "The Pope". On the back of the remote was the list of punishments... "Electric Shock", "Charity Donations", "Banging Head Into the Wall", "Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness", and the deadly "Ye Olde Song and Dance".

"'While using the Evil-O-Matic, please keep in mind these three handy rules...'" Impa read from the manual.
"And we just plug this in... there! All done!" Zelda said, grinning.
"I look like an idiot in this!" Ganondorf whined, tapping the silvery pink helmet.
"Sorry, Ganny-Poo. Rules are rules!" she snickered.
"This isn't a rule! It's your demented idea of a punishment!" Ganondorf growled. "What kind of Democratic government is THIS?!"
"It's a constitutional monarchy, you dolt." Zelda shot back. "And no where in the constitution does it say I can't punish you like this."
"All I did was pull a prank! Nobody has a sense of humor anymore these days! JEEZ!"
"... '1. The Evil-O-Matic is activated when and ONLY when its wearer says or thinks something bad, as judged by the setting you have placed it on.'" Impa continued.
"I REFUSE to wear this on the grounds of you don't have the power to make me wear it!" Ganondorf whined.
"I'm the Princess of Hyrule! You're only the King of the Gerudos! I have more power than you, so I can do whatever I want!" Zelda shot back.
"You heard the woman, Ganon-dork." Link smiled smugly from across the room.
"OOH! What a creative nickname! Did you think that up all by yourself?" Ganondorf cooed stupidly.
"Shut up!" Link snapped.
"And by the way, what are you doing here ANYWAY?" Ganondorf whined. "You don't live here!"
"I invited him over to see the aftermath of the Evil-O-Matic!" Zelda giggled maniacally.
"... '2. In order to manually punish the wearer, press the handy red button on the back of the remote control,'" Impa read.
"Come on Impa, we know how it works!" Zelda whined.
"I ALWAYS read the manual!" Impa snapped. "'Last, but most importantly, Rule #3... NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THE WEARER TO...'"
Link interrupted her. "Whatever, whatever! Just turn the thing on already!"
Impa rolled her eyes. "Fine."
"Prepare to suffer, you barbecue-crashing creep!" Zelda shouted as she flipped the switch into the ON position. "Let's start on... 'Good Karma Karl'... and... 'Electric Shock'!"
The spinny doo-dad starting spinning, and Ganondorf scowled.
"Woo, what a big- YAAAAAAH!" he screamed, as he was shocked with a minor pulse of electricity. "OW! WHAT THE- YAAAAAAAAAH! This really- YAAAAAAAAH!"
Zelda and Link burst out laughing. Impa smiled weakly.
"That is too FUNNY!" Zelda howled with laughter.
"I can't even- YAAAAAAAAH!" Ganondorf shrieked, grabbing his head in pain.
"You'd better stop thinking nasty thoughts, pal." Link smiled.
Ganondorf dropped to his knees and starting screaming, "PUPPY DOGS! KITTY CATS! PINK FRILLY PILLOWS! BRIGHT CHRISTMAS PACKAGES TIED UP WITH STRING! RAINDROPS ON ROSES! AAAAAAA- ahhhh..."
The buzzing stopped. Ganondorf sighed in relief and crossed his arms smugly. "Ha! That wasn't so bad, you stupid- YAAAAAAAAAH!"
Link and Zelda howled with laughter, slapping their knees and crying with mirth. Impa merely rolled her eyes. "That's a bit sadistic!" she said disapprovingly.
"Aw, come on Impa! Think of the Shadow Temple he trapped you inside... the zombies... the mummies... the bats and the flaming skulls and the evil shadow creatures..." Zelda said mystically.
"And the drumming! That hellishly annoying drumming!" Link added. "BOOM- bum, bum, bum... BOOM- bum, bum, bum..."
Impa scowled and then a smile crept onto her face. "Yeah... the drumming... Lemme see that remote, Zelda."
Impa clicked up the punishment button to "Ye Olde Song and Dance".
"Wha- What are you doing?" Ganondorf said quickly. "SONG AND DANCE?! NOT THAT! PLEASE! Come on, it wasn't THAT bad! Think of that big cool boat thingy! Please? Don't you dare, you miserable..."
The helicopter beanie started to spin and Ganondorf froze. "Oh... no... not..."
Suddenly, his cheeks got rosy and his evil smirk grew into an adorable grin. Ganondorf began a Vaudeville-style tap dance routine, complete with song.
"I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! About skies of blue-a and tea for two-a!"
Impa laughed so hard she almost cried. "OH MAN THAT IS SO FUNNY!"
"IIIIIIII LOVE-A TO, IIIIII LOVE-A TO SIIIIIIIIIIING!"
Catching her breath, Impa mercifully turned down the punishment to "Bang Head Into Wall" and handed the remote to Link.
Link studied the buttons and scratched his chin. "Man... it's so hard to pick!"
Ganondorf stopped his singing and collapsed onto his knees in humiliation, clutching his head. Must... not... think evil thoughts... He thought to himself. Look at them! They love this... I won't give them pleasure from my embarrassment! They will suffer a quick and terrible death at my hands when I get this helmet off! And Impa... ooooooh, Impaaaaa... "AAACCK!"
He jumped to his feet, proceeded to the wall, and started banging his head into it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!! NO MORE! NO MORE! I'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING EVIL AGAIN! AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH... LET IT END NOW! I'M STILL UP FOR EXECUTION! BEHEAD ME! PLEAAAAAASSE... AGGGGGGH!"
Impa raised an eyebrow. "Man, I almost feel bad for him."
"Don't!" Zelda said simply. "He's a butthead."
"In more ways than one," Link smiled, watching as Ganondorf BUTT-ed his HEAD into the wall. (Groan and roll eyes accordingly)
"But still!" Impa said, with a hint of pity. "No one should have to suffer like THAT. And he really didn't do anything THAT BAD."
Ganondorf looked up at Impa with a look of absolute gratefulness. "You tell 'em, my beautiful- YAAAAAHHHHH!"
Zelda had turned the knob back to electric shock. "Shut up about my nanny!"
Impa marched over to her and snatched the remote away. "Zelda, I'm going to have to say no to this. You can't sit here and watch him like he's putting on a show for you, or like he's some kind of animal. I don't care if he is the Evil King, that's just terrible."
"But Impa!" Zelda wailed.
"You can change the settings ONCE every day. But after that, you leave him about his own business! You put him to work, didn't you?" Impa asked sternly.
"He's... he's our personal servant for a couple months, Impa." Zelda said quietly. "He gets to make your and my beds, and cook our dinners and stuff."
"WHADDYA, NUTS?!" Link gasped. "He'll kill you the first chance he gets!" "No I won't! All I did last time was play a stupid joke, and look where that got me!" Ganondorf snapped from his position on the floor.
"We want to punish him, not kill him with embarrassment!" Impa snapped. "Yeah..." Ganondorf agreed weakly.
"You shut up!" Impa said. "Don't get any ideas! I'm just standing up for you on the grounds of natural rights!"
Ganondorf scrambled to his feet, and Impa handed Zelda back the remote. "Set it for 'Children's TV Show Star' and 'Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness'. And then leave him alone," Impa said.
"You tell her, my beautiful, delicious, SENSUOUS Sheikah goddess of love..." Ganondorf cooed smoothly.
Impa stole the remote back from Zelda and pressed the Manual Punish button on the back.
"EEEEEYAAAAAHHH- OH! WHAT A HEAVENLY DAYYYY! I LOVE IT SO!" Ganondorf cooed.
"Don't say ANYTHING like that EVER again!" Impa growled at him, stomping out of the room.
Link shrugged at Zelda and watched Ganondorf pitifully, as the great green evil king did a little dance.
"That's just sad," he said.
"No kidding... I think I'm going to get sick of this sooner than I thought." Zelda replied.
Link nodded. "Sure, it's funny, but it's also a little depressing to see our greatest enemy sink to... THIS level."
"A DREAAAAAM... IS A WIIIIIISH- YOUR HEART MAAAAAAKES!"
"All right, all right, that's enough." Zelda said, pressing the Manual Punish Stop button just below the first one. "Go and iron my clothes. And do a good job, or we get to see some more of that good ol' Ganondorf Vaudeville."
"Yes, your highness..." Ganondorf snarled, stomping out the door, beanie-copter whizzing. "... and your ugliness... and your..." BLZZZT! "OW! THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUSIC!"

-MONDAY

Dawn spread its scarlet arms across the sky the next morning, Ganondorf's official first day in indentured servitude under Zelda and the pink helicopter beanie. The pleasant beams of light struck across the sky, and pierced through Zelda's window, gently nudging her awake.
"OWWW! SUN... BURNING... MY EYES!" she whined, sitting up. Zelda cleared her throat. "Ahhh... Imp- Oh wait! That's right..." she remembered, rubbing her hands together maniacally. "Ganny-Poo is working for us now..."
She reached over to her beside table and rang a small silver bell daintily. "Oh Ganondorf!" she cried sweetly. "Ganny-Poo!"
Zelda waited for several minutes, and when Ganondorf failed to show up, she rang the bell again, a little harder. "GANONDORF!" she screamed.
20 minutes later, Zelda was growing very impatient. She was starting to sweat and stain her pink silk pajamas. "GANONDOOOORF!" she shrieked.
"ZELDA!" someone yelled from the floor below.
"WHAAAT?" Zelda whined. "NO ONE'S COME TO GIVE ME MY COFFEE YET!"
"ZELDA!" the voice repeated.
"IMPA, WHERE'S GANONDORF? I'VE HAD TO YELL FOR HIM THREE TIMES!" Zelda yelled back to the voice.
"ZELDA, COME HERE!" The voice echoed again. It was Impa.
Groaning, Zelda stood up, threw on a pair of slippers, and stomped out of her bedroom through the drafty castle to the floor below.
"I can't believe I'm running through the castle IN MY UNDERWEAR at 6:00 in the morning!" she wailed, throwing open the door to Impa's private suite. "Impa, why are you-"
She froze in disbelief of what she was seeing.
Impa sat in her bed, wearing her nightdress, firmly tied to the posts. A piping hot tray of ultra-deluxe breakfast stood next to the bed. The entire room had a fresh coat of Sheikah-purple paint, all the rugs had been dusted out, and Ganondorf was hopping back and forth from the tray of food to the foot of the bed, where he was massaging Impa's feet. In one hand he had a coffeepot which he used to completely refill Impa's coffee after a mere millimeter or so had been evaporated into steam or cooled in temperature.
"Ganondorf..." Zelda said slowly. "What... in the name of the Sages... are you doing?"
"Catering to her every whim, of course!" Ganondorf said brightly.
"HE TIED ME TO THE BED!" Impa squealed.
"That's because I knew if you caught me in your room you'd back kick me into the door, break off both my arms and beat me to death with them." Ganondorf replied cheerfully.
"WAIT A SEC WAIT A SEC!" Zelda snapped. "I screamed for you THREE TIMES, Ganon-Dork! Why didn't you come!?"
"Because I'm busy!" Ganondorf said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I detect a milliliter or so of 103 degree coffee in that 104 degree cup..." He poured out the entire cup and refilled it.
"Look, bub! I'M the Princess! You can cater to Impa all you want, but when I call for you, you'd better get your shiny green @$$ up there and wait on me!" Zelda hissed.
"I wait on IMPA because at least she's nice to me. YOU, on the other hand, were the one making me dance around like a trained monkey yesterday!" Ganondorf said snootily.
"But I made you sing!" Impa retorted.
"I don't care, my love!" Ganondorf sighed happily. "Anything to make you smile!"
Impa rolled her eyes disgustedly.
"You untie her THIS INSTANT!" Zelda shrieked indignantly.
"Why don't you make me, you- AAGGGGHHHHHHH!" Ganondorf howled, as the Evil-O-Matic kicked in. "Oh! Gladly, my fair and honorable princess of beauty!"
He untied Impa merrily, while singing a medley of songs from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".
"And anything else, my beautiful lady?" Ganondorf giggled, blinking like a cherub of some sort.
"Yeah. Go get me some coffee and a fried egg." Zelda snorted, as the Evil-O-Matic's punishment began to wear off.
"Certainly." Ganondorf scowled, walking out of the room. "Up yours, you- YAAAAAA! Hee hee hee! LALALALALALALA!"
Impa stood up, dusted herself off, and threw the ropes off of her bed. "What a psycho!" she said, rolling her eyes. "It's only been 12 hours and he's already starting to creep me out."
"That was... weird..." Zelda said, scratching her head. "How come Ganondorf didn't get reprimanded by the Evil-O-Matic for tying you up? That's definitely not a normal thing to do. And last night I upped the setting to 'The Pope'."
"He shouldn't have been able to do that..." Impa agreed. "But the coffee was pretty good... lots of cream, lots of sugar, just how I like it..."
"We have to look into this!" Zelda said. "He may have already figured out some loophole in the Evil-O-Matic..."
"This could be a huge corporate scam!" Impa gasped.
"Or he could just have such a messed up brain the dumb thing broke," Zelda shrugged. "I'm hungry. Let's go order the singing dancing cherub to make us some French toast."

-TUESDAY

Zelda was up at the crack of dawn once again, suspiciously listening for sounds of Ganondorf painting Impa's room again. After a half-an-hour stakeout, she gave up and rang the little silver bell again.
"Dare I even ask... GANONDORF!" she screamed.
Seconds later, he shot into her room. "Yes?"
"THAT'S better," she said, smiling. "Could you go and get me a cup of coffee, no cream, lots of sugar?"
"Of course. Would you like spit with- AAAAAAH!" Ganondorf retorted, twitching as another electric shot got him.
"Save the sarcasm, your stupidness." Zelda snapped. "And get me a Nutra-grain bar, too!"
"Anything else..." Ganondorf mumbled angrily. "Your sadisticness- (click) OWW!"
That click was the sound of Zelda turning the knob over to "Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness".
"I mean- WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING ELSE, YOUR HIGHNESS?" he screamed quickly.
"Mm... let me think..." Zelda pondered, scratching her chin. "How about some fine Termanian blintzes?"
"What, are you NUTS?!" Ganondorf snarled. "Those are a delicacy! They take over SIX HOURS TO MAKE! I'm not getting ANYTHING like that for you, you stupid- YAAAAAAAAAH!"
Zelda smiled. "What was that you were saying?"
"Anything for you, princess!" Ganondorf grinned. "After all, you are the greatest ruler Hyrule has ever seen and that is certainly proved by your kindness in letting me work here and..."
"My unmade breakfast is getting co-ooooold..." Zelda warned.
Ganondorf blushed and pursed his lips innocently. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, your majesty! I'll get your breakfast immediately!"
He scampered out of the room, giggling like a schoolgirl.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE ACCIDENT

SUNDAY-

Zelda was dressed and she and Impa were out in the courtyard beginning their daily croquet practice.
"And... swing!" Impa instructed. "Excellent job, Zelda!"
"OWW! My wrists hurt!" Zelda whined, rubbing them gently.
"That's because I already told you, your stance is wrong."
"It is? Then... how do I do it?" she asked.
"Like this," Impa replied, demonstrating.
"Oh... OK... hey! I can't aim at all like this!" she griped.
"All you need is some practice." Impa said soothingly. "Now... what can you practice on?" She looked around the courtyard quickly.
"Oh, there's something!" Zelda grinned wickedly. She pointed at Ganondorf, who was washing windows.
"... Uh..." Impa stuttered.
"HEY! GANONDORF!" Zelda shrieked.
"You rang?" Ganondorf yelled back.
"C'mere a sec!" Zelda shrieked again.
"Oh no! Zelda, you can't!" Impa groaned, rolling her eyes.
"I can and I want to!" Zelda said snootily as Ganondorf arrived at their sides.
"What?" he asked. Then he saw the croquet mallet. "Up for a game?"
"Not exactly..." Zelda grinned mischievously. "Stand right there."
"... I don't like the sound of that!" Ganondorf wailed.
"Do it, come on!" Zelda whined.
Ganondorf sighed and stood "right there".
Zelda set down her croquet ball and prepared to give it a whack.
"WHOA! YOU'RE AIMING RIGHT AT ME!" Ganondorf shrieked. "WHAT THE HEL- EEEYAAAAIIIII!" he stopped in mid-sentence as the Evil-O-Matic sensed the dirty word.
His hand slid deep into his pocket and pulled out a 20 Rupee piece, and he threw it at Impa jerkily. "Keep... the... change..." he murmured blankly.
Impa caught it, wiped it off with her shirt, and snickered. "I could get used to that..."
Ganondorf scowled as his 20 went into Impa's purse, and he muttered something to himself. "Stupid da- EEEYAIIII!"
Another trip into his pocket, and another 20 Rupees, this time at Zelda. "Better watch what you say, Ganny-Poo..." Zelda giggled.
"For pete's sake, turn it off that setting!" Ganondorf barked. "I worked long and hard to steal that- AIEEEE!"
Zelda quickly flipped the remote switch to "Electric Shock".
"There! You happy now?!" she snapped. "Now hold still!"
"I... I don't want to!" Ganondorf wailed.
"Do it!" Zelda snapped again.
Ganondorf stood up straight as a board, and Zelda pulled back her mallet, let it down with a mighty WHACK, and...
BONK!
"AAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"OOH! Ouch!" Impa winced.
"Man... right in the family jewels!" Zelda commented, scratching her chin. "Just where I was aiming!"
Ganondorf collapsed to his knees, turning blue, clutching the recently hit "family jewels", and trying not to cry. He had to bite his tongue to keep this from slipping out:
"G@# D&$&%*! THAT F&%*^*&$ BALL HIT ME IN THE F&%&#*%^ CROTCH! OH... OH %&*@* THE F&%*%*^& PAIIIIIN!"
It's kind of gruesome to think what the Evil-O-Matic would to with THAT. "Ganondorf? You OK?" asked Impa.
"MMPPHHH..." he squelched.
"Ganny-dork? You all right?" Impa repeated. "Do you need an ice pack?"
"MMPPHHH..." he squelched again.
Finally, the pain was too much for the King of Evil...
"Ganondorf! Answer the woman!" Zelda snapped.
He fell down onto his side and from his green lips burst the loudest
profanity ever heard in Hyrule, HECK, the loudest profanity ever heard in ANY video game!
"F##############################################&&&&a mp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&a mp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&a mp;&&&&&&&&&&&&@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!"

Zelda gasped and clasped her hand over her mouth. Impa jumped back, startled.

The Kokiri children all suddenly demanded the Deku Sprout tell them what that word meant...
The Gorons all looked up from their busy bomb-flower mining work and winced...
The Zoras all poked their heads up from under the water, utterly shocked...
The Gerudo all stopped beating up a crowd of traveling men and gasped...
And the rest of the Hylians just froze in place.
There was silence throughout the land of Hyrule.
And then the silence was broken by some other sound... A terrible, horrible sound...
"... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
And simultaneously, a huge "BLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!"
And several minutes later, all was silent again.

Ganondorf lay unconscious on the ground, his hair and eyebrows singed crispy from the electrocution. Every few seconds he would twitch convulsively.
Zelda stared at him in awe and stepped over towards him, poking him with her shoe.
Impa just gasped and glared wide-eyed at Zelda.
"Wow... I didn't know it could do THAT!" Zelda giggled.
"You killed him!" Impa shrieked.
"Did not! He's still alive! Just... badly injured." Zelda grinned. "Man... that'll teach Ganny-Poo to mess up my barbecue!"
"We'd better get him inside..." Impa said quietly.
"Yeah, yeah, OK..." Zelda murmured nonchalantly, placing another croquet ball in the grass and smacking it through the nearest stained-glass window. "WOW! This shot is GREAT Impa! National Championship, here I come!"

WEDNESDAY- TWO WEEKS LATER

"Impa! Miss Impa! I think he's waking up!" the nurse called.
Impa rushed into the room, carrying a spatula from Zelda's unfinished breakfast and wearing her Kiss The Cook apron.
"Really?"
"Yes, look! He's moving his hand!" the nurse said again, pointing excitedly at the King of Evil.
Ganondorf had been in comatose for three days and two weeks. Impa was upset because his punishment had been to serve the princess, not to be injured and/or killed. And Zelda and Link were upset because it was making them miss out on more entertaining Ganondorf servitude.
"Ughh..." he groaned.
"Zelda! Link! He's waking up!" Impa called.
Link and Zelda rushed into the room, both carrying heaping piles of get-well-soon cards, balloons, and teddy bears. Link was crying.
"OH! Finally!" he wailed. "Finally, he's awake!"
"Let the servitude commence!" Zelda grinned maniacally.
Impa scowled at both of them. "YOU TWO! Really! To show such a lack of caring towards this poor, almost dead man! All you care about is ordering him around some more!"
"He's our greatest enemy, for cryin' out loud!" Zelda snarled. "We can be upset that he's not working for us!"
"... who?" Ganondorf murmured.
"Are you all right?" asked Impa.
"Ooh... dear me, I've never had such a shock in all my life! What could have caused it, I wonder?" he said in an English accent.
All three of his visitor's mouths dropped wide open.
"Ooh! Gifts! Why thank you ever so much, but Alas! I cannot accept them, as I am currently out of thank-you cards and ink..." Ganondorf continued.
"Did he... just say THANK YOU?" Link gasped in shock.
"What the HECK!?" Zelda snapped. "What happened!? He's supposed to be a despicable toad!"
"Who, me? Why your highness, I had no idea you felt that way! I present you with my sincerest, humblest apologies for anything I have done in the past to have insulted you in any way. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Zelda was speechless.
"Ah, and you Link, my boy..." Ganondorf said, patting his nemesis on the back. "A fine young fellow you are indeed! What a fool I was to cause so much trouble for you! My most sincere apologies, good sir. I can only hope that in the future, you will grace me with your strong, courageous presence for coffee or pastries."
Link chuckled nervously and dropped the whole pile of get-well gifts.
"And Impa... Ah! Impa, the name of the sweetest flower in the meadow! Blessed be the tree that gave the wood to make your cradle, my sweet... In your silver hair the moon does reflect, and the sparkling of amethyst speaks to me from your eyes! A fairer creature than you has yet to be born on this earth! Compared to a woman as beautiful as yourself, even the fair goddess Din is shamed and forsaken!"
Impa dropped the spatula and stood there, mouth hanging open. But when Ganondorf asked permission to kiss "the hand of the great Shadow Sage and Sheikah goddess of beauty herself", she screamed, "ALL RIGHT! WHERE'S THE INSTRUCTION GUIDE TO THE EVIL-O-MATIC?"

As Ganondorf composed sonnets about the sunrise, Impa, Zelda and Link consulted the instruction guide to the Evil-O-Matic to find out what had happened.
"I don't get it! He's so... sophisticated!" Zelda snapped. "He's supposed to be a horrible monster! How are Link and I supposed to have any fun if he's being NICE?!"
"He apologized! TO ME! He hates me! And he invited me over for coffee and pastries! Something is SERIOUSLY wrong!" Link pondered.
"Oh no..." Impa gasped, skimming over a page in the instruction guide.
"What?" asked Zelda, peeking over her shoulder.
It was the three handy rules page...
"The rules? What does that have to do with anything? We know the rules!" Link snapped.
"You never let me finish Rule #3..." Impa said. "And Rule #3 is...
'The Evil-O-Matic is guaranteed to help you discipline those nasty overall mean and sadistic bastards in your life. It is also guaranteed not to have any adverse effects, except for the said bastard to keep away from you for awhile. BUT: Remember, NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THE WEARER TO SUSTAIN A HEAD INJURY AS CAUSED BY A SEVERE ELECTRIC SHOCK! This may short out the circuits on the Evil-O-Matic, and cause the wearer's brain to be warped into a despicably cute, charming, sophisticated man about town. Of course, you may be aiming for that, but keep in mind, in 99 out of 100 cases of this, the effects are PERMANENT.'"
"The electric shock!" Zelda gasped.
"It shouldn't have been on so high that it shorted out the machine! What setting did you have it on?" asked Impa.
"Uh..." Zelda whispered quietly.
"What setting?" Link demanded.
"... the Pope..."
"THE POPE!?!?!" Link and Impa shrieked.
"I was getting sick of his arguing!" Zelda said desperately.
"Well great job Zelda, now we may have to put up with THAT forever!" Link snapped, pointing at Ganondorf, who was on one knee composing sonnets.
"I think that I shall never see, a thing as lovely as a tree!" Ganondorf recited.
"Is there any cure?" Zelda asked quickly.
Impa flipped through the index, and then her face lit up. "AHA! It says, 'Your only chance to reverse the effects of a head injury on the wearer is to cause another severe electric shock with the Evil-O-Matic. Unfortunately, everyone knows that despicably cute, charming, sophisticated men about town NEVER do anything bad enough to get the Evil-O-Matic to shock them again.'"
The trio gazed hopelessly at Ganondorf, who was now performing his own improvised tap dance rendition of "Puttin' On The Ritz".
"Well, screw that!" Link said, "I'm pulling off this headpiece and getting this over with NOW!" He stomped over to Ganondorf and prepared to rip off the pink helmet.
"NOOO!" Impa squealed. "It says in here that the worst thing you could do is take off the helmet! That will seal off his real brainwaves and replace them with the brainwaves induced by the Evil-O-Matic!"
Link and Zelda sat silent for a moment, and Ganondorf looked up at Link and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you have any Grey Pupon?"
"In... ENGLISH, please?" Zelda said sweetly.
"It means that if you take off the helmet, it'll basically wipe out Ganondorf's brain and replace it with the Evil-O-Matic's!"
"Well THAT would suck. A singing, dancing Ganondorf is a little sickening." Link said, immediately backing away from Ganondorf, who had decided to explain the symbolism of Ernest Hemingway's "The Old Man and the Sea" to no one in particular.
Then, he turned to them and said, "Pardon me, ladies and gentleman. But I have the strangest urge to perform a mock trial recreation of the Mayella Ewell trial from 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. Who would like to perform the role of Tom Robinson?"
Zelda looked at Link.
Link looked at Impa.
Impa looked at Zelda.
And the three of them screamed.