Fan Fiction ❯ Evil-O-Matic 3000 ❯ Ganondorf: The Ecstatic Evil-O-Matic Fanatic -and- Ganondorf: The Dramatic, Climactic End of the Ecs ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

CHAPTER FIVE: GANONDORF- THE ECSTATIC EVIL-O-MATIC FANATIC

THURSDAY-

"Why even bother Impa, it's not going to work!" Zelda groaned, following Impa down the dark corridor into the castle infirmary.
"We can try!" Impa said triumphantly. "Are you coming, Nabooru?"
"Give me a break Impa, this box weighs at least 100 pounds!" Nabooru whined, lugging a huge cardboard box behind her.
The day before, Zelda had called the Sages and oh-so-casually explained to them the circumstances of Ganondorf's... problems. After a hearty laugh, they learned he would be stuck that way forever unless they could fix it. Then, after a hearty sob, they all offered to pitch in and help.
Since Nabooru had known the King formerly known as Evil since he was a kid, she was the first to volunteer to bring him back into reality. She had raided his room, dungeons, and high school yearbook storage boxes and gathered the best reminders of Ganondorf's evil lifestyle to show to him, hoping he would remember how much fun it is being mean.
"He's in here," Impa said, pushing open the door to the infirmary.
Nabooru pushed the box into the doorway, only to be greeted by Ganondorf, who was in the middle of watching Rolie Polie Olie on TV, wearing a rainbow colored helicopter beanie over the Evil-O-Matic.
"He's Rolie Polie Olie! HOWDY! HOWDY! HOORAY! HOORAY!" he sang joyfully.
"Sweet mother of pearl, it's worse than I thought!" Nabooru gasped, shaking her head sadly.
Ganondorf looked up. "Oh! Visitors! How lovely!" he giggled, switching off the TV and removing his beanie, bowing gracefully. "It is my honor and privilege to invite you into my home! Please make yourself comfortable! May I take your coats?"
Nabooru blinked. "Ganondorf!"
"Yes?" he replied sweetly.
"It's REALLY worse than I thought..." Nabooru whispered to Impa.
"I know, I know... Just... see what you can do!"
"Time to work my magic!" Nabooru chuckled, rubbing her hands together.
Impa and Zelda shut the door quietly, and took seats in front of it.
Nabooru set the box next to another chair, and pulled up one for Ganondorf. "OK, Ganny-Poo. Have a seat."
"Thank you kindly, miss." Ganondorf said happily, sitting down.
Nabooru sat across from him and put on a pair of sophisticated-looking glasses.
"Those look lovely on you, miss!" Ganondorf cooed.
"Let's get down to business! Do you remember who I am?" she said slowly, as if to a child.
"Of course. You're Nabooru, the fabulously beautiful leader of the Gerudo Thieves and the brave Sage of Spirit!" Ganondorf answered.
"Oh, thank you." Nabooru blushed. "And do you remember who you are?"
"I'm Ganondorf Dragmire." Ganondorf said proudly.
"That's right. And what's your job?"
"Making the world a better place!" Ganondorf said, even prouder.
Nabooru shook her head.
"Um... making people happy?" Ganondorf guessed.
She shook her head again, and crossed her arms.
"Making people... slightly pleased?"
"No. You're an Evil King." Nabooru told him.
"Who, me? Don't be silly!" Ganondorf laughed. "I'm not evil! Not in the least!"
"Yes, you are Ganondorf! You're mean... NASTY... CRUEL... and all around AWFUL!" Nabooru said in a dramatic voice.
"Oh, come now, now Miss Nabooru, there's no need to make accusations."
"I'm serious! You are a really bad guy!" Nabooru said, a little bit agitated. "And I've got all this stuff from your room in your giant evil castle to show you that it's true!"
Ganondorf rocked back and forth in his chair nervously, watching Nabooru's every move.
Impa and Zelda looked on intently. "This ought to show him!" Impa said.
Zelda yawned and leaned back in her chair. "Yeah, yeah... the sooner he gets evil again, the sooner I can put him back to good ol' fashioned work and humiliation!"

Nabooru pulled out a Hyrule High School yearbook, and flipped to a marked page.
"Here. This is you in your freshman year!"
She handed him the book and pointed out the picture. Ganondorf looked quite the same, only he had a full head of red hair, and a pair of thick Drew Carey-style glasses that were taped together.
Ganondorf nodded, and read the caption below the picture. "Math Club, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiad, Tech Ed Club, Home Ec Club, DECA, and Knitting Club."
Zelda and Impa pulled their chairs over for a closer look, and the two of them and Nabooru all scratched their heads in confusion.
"Wow! You were a total GEEK!" Zelda giggled wildly.
"We prefer the term BRAIN, actually." Ganondorf pointed out. "And it's a proven fact that Brains are better kissers."
Impa gagged.
Nabooru quickly threw the yearbook back in the pile. "That wasn't the one I wanted to show you... ah, here it is! This is you in senior year!"
The pictures were dramatically different. This Ganondorf looked a lot like he did now... half-balding, bulging muscles, an evil sneer and several tattoos, in addition to a large cape.
Ganondorf read the caption again. "Wrestling, EVIL club, Curses and Black Magic honors student, Monsters Inc, and... Knitting Club?"
"Look, here you are in the wrestling picture!" Impa said excitedly.
Senior Ganondorf was about to squeeze a younger, slightly scragglier wrestler's head off.
"And here you are in the Curses and Black Magic class picture!" Nabooru pointed out.
It showed Ganondorf holding up his (evilly glowing black) hands up, surrounded by an assortment of students who were covered in boils, rashes, spots, hair, and all sorts of terrible things.
"Monsters Inc!" Zelda said, pointing to a picture of Ganondorf holding the leash of something large, hairy, and vicious as the other students ran away.
"And... Knitting Club." Impa sighed. Then her eyes popped out.
The picture showed Ganondorf about to stab another student with a pair of knitting needles that looked more like swords.
"I remember that. He was trying to steal my spool of pink yarn that I was using." Ganondorf murmured. "Oh, what a vicious brute I was! I wish I could relive it all and undo all those terrible things!"
"NO YOU DON'T!" all three women shrieked at him.
"And I have more! I found these things in your room! If you're not mad and insane and evil, tell me what these are!" Nabooru snapped.
She held up a thick leather whip with a steel handle and nine lashes.
"A slave driving whip? For use on unruly prisoners of war and disrespectful tyrannically ruled subjects?"
"Of course not! That's a tow cable, silly!" Ganondorf giggled.
"... what?" all three girls said at the same time.
"For tying my boat rig to my horse, so I can go on a relaxing fishing trip in the mountains, surrounded by nature and all that is peaceful," he answered innocently.
"OK, then how about this?" Nabooru demanded, holding up a iron mace, with extra large extra sharp spikes and a reinforced steel chain. "A mace, for brutally killing anyone who opposes your evil rule?"
"A meat tenderizer, for when I cook steak!" Ganondorf explained.
Nabooru sighed deeply, then cried, "ALL RIGHT, SMART GUY! LET'S SEE YA DEFEND YOURSELF WITH THIS ONE! I HAVE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU FOR THE CRIME OF USING THIS ON SOMEONE!"
She grabbed a huge beaker of something black and smelly. On the label was printed:
"WHAM-O Brand IRON KNUCKLE POTION. For SLOWLY and PAINFULLY transforming IMPERTINENT former followers into GIANT, SINISTER METAL MINIONS with HUGE AXES and an IQ of about 34, as well as a HIDEOUS TEMPER and NO KNOWLEDGE OF THEIR PAST LIVES OR EXISTANCES! Got a pesky HERO OF TIME problem? Use WHAM-O Brand IRON KNUCKLE POTION and your PROBLEMS will be SOLVED!"
Then she glared at Ganondorf with a look of utter hatred. "YA REMEMBER USING THAT, DON'T YA?"
Ganondorf closed his eyes solemnly. "Alas, I do... sweet Nabooru, may those seven years of your life that I enslaved you be taken off of mine, you poor thing... If only I could turn back time! A lovely, innocent young girl such as yourself should not have remained transformed into a hideous beast by me for such a time! The abomination of my deeds aches my heart Nabooru, and I know it serves as no comfort to you, but may the higher powers allow you to remember this: I fling myself at your feet in remorse... I bow solemnly to your presence, great honored lady, and I grovel to your feet each time I see you from now on, the weight of my actions weighing me down like the bird with its wings clipped..."
Then he threw himself to the floor and bowed to Nabooru, crying as he did.
Nabooru was utterly shocked. She dropped the bottle, her glasses, and her hands were shaking. "Wh... WHAT?"
"We knew each other in our childhood days, Nabooru... and never did I imagine that such a witty, beautiful girl as yourself would fall hapless prey to my demonic power-hungry ways... May we remember those sweet days of youth, and shed a tear for torn friendships and carefree days of summer spent together, not knowing what would come to pass..."
Nabooru burst into tears and gave Ganondorf a big hug. "OH GANONDORF! I HAD NO IDEA... WHEN WE WERE KIDS, AND... THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL! I FORGIVE YOU, I REALLY, REALLY DO! AND THE TRUTH IS, WHILE I WHINED ABOUT HATING YOU SO MUCH AND EVEN THOUGH YOU TURNED ME INTO A GREAT BIG, UGLY AND HORRIBLE MONSTER AND PUT ME THROUGH YEARS AND YEARS OF PAIN, I REALLY LIKE YOU! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!"
Then the two of them shared a good sob.
Impa blinked in shock.
And Zelda stood, speechless, as the two Gerudo burst out singing, "Why Can't We Be Friends?".

SUNDAY-

Impa sat in her room early in the morning, eyes wide open in fear. Her hands were shaking nervously, and a cold sweat was soaking the pillowcase and melting her guacamole mud mask right off onto the sheets.
"It's almost 6..." she thought to herself. "Any second now..."
Every second seemed to take an hour. And each tick... tock of the clock on the wall seemed to echo over again and again, taunting Impa with its nagging procession along the clock face.
"One more minute..." she thought, clutching the blankets and sliding down further under them.
Tick... tock... tick... tock... tick...
"Five more seconds..."
Tick... tock... tick... tock... t...i...c...k...
WHAM!
The door to Impa's room slammed open and Ganondorf appeared in a brightly colored rainbow plaid suit that made him look quite a bit like a used car salesman. He had a wide stupid grin plastered on his face, and he was pushing a large tray heaping with food.
"IMPAAA!" he cooed cheerily, skipping merrily into the room. Impa groaned and sat up slowly, her hair turban falling onto the floor.
"... what?" she snapped.
"It is I, your faithful breakfast boy, here to slake your thirst and ease your hunger!" he grinned, whipping out a large table. "But FIRST- The Morning Song!"
"Oh... NO..."
Ganondorf pulled out a microphone and a karaoke machine, and he began singing to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", with a dance routine to match.
"'It is morning!' someone cries! Wipe the sleep out of your eyes! Time for juice and time for tea! Or a gallon of coffee!"
Impa rolled her eyes sadly as he finished the song spastically.
"Time for bacon, time for eggs! Take a walk and stretch your legs! 'It is morning!' someone cries! Now you get a big surprise!"
He leaned over to give Impa a big kiss, but she had already stomped into her closet to get changed.
"Miss Impa? Oh Miss Impa!" Ganondorf called. "Where did you go?"
"I'm getting changed." Impa snapped.
"Oh! Would you like my help, Miss Impa?"
"NO, I would NOT like your help!"
"Are you sure, Miss Impa?"
"Stop it with the 'Miss' crap! And YES, I'm positive and if you knew what was good for you you'd drop off my breakfast and get out of here!"
"Yes, Miss Impa..." Ganondorf said, turning on the burner of his portable breakfast-making cart. He donned a Benihana-style hat over his helmet and an apron, and a couple of spatulas. Then he set to work making Impa her usual omelet.
As he beat the eggs, he heard shuffling from inside the closet and several sets of body armor identical to Impa's came flying out. "Man, where are my socks?"
"She needs help! I'm coming, Miss Impa!" Ganondorf declared triumphantly, setting down his spatulas and speeding into the closet.
Seconds later...
(Huge gasp)
"Miss Impa! You called for help! What can I do for you?"
"GANONDORF, I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT ON!"
"Miss Impa! Are you in danger? Do you need help finding something? I think this silvery set would look good on you today, what do you think?"
"... I THINK I'M GOING TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF NOW..."
"What was that?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! GET OUT OF MY CLOSET, YOU PERVERT!"
"What was that Miss Impa, I didn't- OOWW!"
Ganondorf sped out of the closet, thousands of pairs of high heel shoes came flying out after him, several hitting him in the sensitive areas.
"Ouch! Miss Impa! Wait! Your breakfast! It's-"
"I'LL GRAB SOME CEREAL IN THE KITCHEN, JUST GET OUT NOWWW!"
He swept a little bow and ran out of the room as fast as he could.

Later, Impa (who was still in a sour mood from her little negligee incident) answered the castle door to find Darunia, who was right on time for his appointment with the reformatted king of evil.
"Hi, Impa," Darunia said, handing her a 400 pound box of equipment, which she promptly dropped. "Am I on time?"
"Yeah... OUCH!" Impa groaned. "What is all this stuff?"
"Equipment!" Darunia said. "You say you have an evil king who needs evilifying?"
"Yeah, but how is a WWF wrestling ring going to help?" Impa asked confusedly.
"You'll see..." Darunia smiled.

"Thank you for coming to visit me, Mr. Darunia, but honestly, I'm right in the middle of the most exciting chapter of 'Les Miserables'! Can't this wait?"
Darunia raised a giant Goron eyebrow, and shook his head sadly.
"It's worse than I thought!" he said disapprovingly.
"Yeah, that's what Nabooru said too. And half an hour later, they were singing together." Impa said, rolling her eyes.
"Yes... Singing with the lovely Nabooru was quite an honor- her soprano is a sweet tune not often heard... But even a soprano so fine as hers does no justice to your spectacular alto-soprano, darling Impa..." Ganondorf said suavely, kissing her hand.
Impa ripped her hand away in disgust. "Hurry up Darunia, I don't know how much more of this I can stand!"

Five minutes later, Darunia had built up a large replica WWF wrestling ring in the infirmary. "Perfect!" he said, clapping his hands. "All right, you pathetic excuse for a former evil king! Get in there!"
"Who, me?" Ganondorf asked confusedly. "Ah, I'm sorry, your honorable Big Brotherly-ness, sir... I do not approve of any sport that involves bloodshed."
"You don't know how weird it is to hear you say that..." Darunia mumbled. "You used to be a big, strong, physically fit and extraordinarily powerful evil master of darkness!"
"Uhh... no." Ganondorf said meekly.
Darunia frowned, scratched his head and said, "All right then... Before your accident, the two of us would have been quite an even match. Me, 7'2", 2000 pounds of sheer muscle and Goron brute strength, with some handy Fire Sage powers to back me up. And you, 6'3", an immensely powerful evil sorcerer with the Triforce of Power in your hand and quite a grip to match. So, we're going to see how you do now... It won't hurt you to learn how to take a punch, and I just might score another crotch shot to turn you back to normal."
"Uhh... no." Ganondorf said again. "I'm sorry good sir, but I would quite prefer NOT to partake in battle with you..."
"Come on!" Darunia whined. "How are you going to be evil again if we don't beat some toughness into you?"
"Easy, I'm not! I'm not proud of what I did before, and I'm quite happy now!" Ganondorf said defiantly.
"IT'S THE HELMET TALKING!" Impa cried to Darunia.
"I know..." Darunia said smugly. "OK, I'm going to ask nicely now. Please?"
"No." Ganondorf said, turning the page of his book.
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"Please, before I beat your skull in?"
"No sir, I must humbly back out."
Darunia sighed, and shook his head. "I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do this."
He walked casually up behind Ganondorf's chair, grabbed him by the waistband of his tighty-whities, and lifted him out of the chair.
"ACK!" Ganondorf shrieked.
"GET IN THE RING, NOW!" Darunia barked in his full Goronese fury.
"OYVENHAYVENLAYVEN..." Ganondorf squeaked, his voice a full two octaves higher than normal.
"That's what I thought," Darunia said, setting him down inside the ropes.
Impa paused, and bit her lip. "Darunia... I don't know if this is the way to go about this..."
"Aw, come on Impa! If he doesn't take another shot to the pills, I don't know what else is going to shock him back to normal!" Darunia whined. "And besides, I've been waiting a long time to do this!"
Impa sat down on a cot in the infirmary, and sighed. "This should be interesting..."
Suddenly, the door slammed open, and Zelda raced in, accompanied by Saria and Link, who were both gasping for breath.
"LOOK!" Zelda cried, pointing triumphantly. "I TOLD you Impa was going to have Darunia beat some sense into him!"
"Oh WOW! Cool!" Saria said in awe.
"GO DARUNIA! WOO!" Link cheered.
"Hey! I cannot have you guys distracted him or me from our work!" Darunia said sternly, rubbing some Tiger Balm on his arms and doing push-ups at the same time.
"Oh, we won't. We just want to watch you kill him!" Zelda grinned, as she, Link and Saria took seats next to Impa on the cot.
Impa frowned. "Zelda..."
"I promise, we won't distract them! Really! Just PLEASE LET US WATCH?" Zelda begged, making the puppy-face.
Impa rolled her eyes. "Fine."
Darunia stood up, cracked his knuckles, and hung a towel over the side of the ring. Then he hopped inside with Ganondorf, who had just fixed his underwear.
"Someone make the ding-ding noise," he requested.
"DING-DING!" Link cried.
"OK Ganondorf, you might want to get ready now..." Darunia said, smiling maliciously.
"Oh sir, MUST we carry on like this?" begged Ganondorf. "I've just straightened out my underwear, and..."
POPPOPOPOPOPOP.
Darunia stopped in his tracks, and turned irritably to Zelda, Link, and Saria, who were cooking a bag of microwave popcorn over the bedside heater.
"AHEM."
"Oh, sorry," Saria said, turning off the heater and tearing open the bag.
Darunia and Impa rolled their eyes, and Ganondorf tried to jump over the ropes and get out of the ring. Darunia caught him by the foot.
"Ah-ah-AAAH! We're not even started yet!"
"That's the idea!" Ganondorf pleaded. "Please, my good man, I assure you I have nothing against you, and nothing would make me want to hurt you, ever! I wouldn't hurt a flea!"
"But if you're not a flea, you'd better watch out!" Link called. Zelda and Saria burst into giggles.
"HUUUUSH!" Darunia whined. "Turn on my theme music, if you're going to talk!"
Impa pushed the PLAY button on the large stereo Darunia had brought with him. A loud techno remix of "Saria's Song" began to play out of it.
"OK Ganondorf, let's see you block this punch!" Darunia said proudly, pounding his fist into his hands.
"Big Brother Sir... PLEASE?!" Ganondorf wailed pitifully.
"NO! Come on. The sooner you do that, the sooner I can leave you alone."
Ganondorf stepped nervously up in front of the Goron King, and covered his face with his left hand, punching weakly with his right.
"OK, block this:" Darunia said, pulling back his fist.
"WAIT! I'M NOT-"
POW!
Ganondorf's eyes got very big, and he whimpered like a little baby and looked at his hand. "You broke... my... HAND!" he squealed.
"Oops, sorry..." Darunia said, covering his mouth.
Saria, Zelda and Link howled with laughter.
"COME ON DARUNIA! Give the man a... BREAK!" Zelda shrieked with laughter.
"Looks like he needs a... HAND!" Saria added, giggling uncontrollably.
"Maybe he should have been better... ARMED!" Link snickered.
"You GUYS!" Impa snapped. "OK Darunia, maybe some other time, we need to get that hand wrapped-"
"No, no, no!" Darunia said, shaking his finger. "If you baby him, he'll never learn to be tough and if he never learns to be tough, his chances of being evil again are KAPUT!"
Impa sat down again, sighing.
Ganondorf had contorted his face into a look of sheer agony, and he threw pleading looks at everyone around.
"Sorry about that, Ganondorf," Darunia said sheepishly. "All right, let's work on your sparring."
"I'd rather NOT." Ganondorf snapped. The Evil-O-Matic gave him a minuscule zap.
"THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE WAY YOU ACT EVIL!" Darunia cried. "OK, get your fists up like this... and punch me!"
"With an Earthquake Punch!" Link called. "Like you did when you fought me!"
"No way!" Ganondorf whined. "I'm going to hurt you!"
"Not with a stance like that you're not. Come on, go!"
Ganondorf sighed, and pulled back his left fist, squinting his eyes shut tight and shaking nervously. "OK..."
"Let me have it!" Darunia said proudly.
"If I do this... will you leave me alone and stop trying to make me evil?" "Sure," Darunia said, shrugging. "But you haven't done it yet. Let's see you try."
Ganondorf, with the promise of getting back to his favorite book hanging overhead, quickly got into a fighting stance and pulled back his left fist again.
"Here... I... GO!" Ganondorf cried.
POW!
THUD!

"Wow... that was a good punch." Impa commented.
"Yeah, too bad it hit HIM instead of Darunia!" Link howled with laughter. Ganondorf lay on his back on the mat, looking very dazed as his nose gushed blood.
"Well... I guess that's KIND of the way to do it," Darunia said idly. "Only next time... can you hit ME?"
"He looks pretty thirsty... Why don't you get him some... PUNCH?" Zelda giggled.
"Zeldaaaa," Impa groaned. "Stop with the puns."
Saria couldn't say anything: she was laughing too hard.
Darunia helped Ganondorf off the floor, and handed him a box of Kleenex, two of which he promptly stuffed into his nose.
"OK, enough punching. Why don't you give a Dark Kick a try? That neato move you use in SSB Melee?" Darunia suggested.
"I don't want to... I'll hurt myself..." Ganondorf wailed.
"Come on! Have a little faith!" Darunia scolded.
"And a little aspirin may not be a bad idea either," Saria snickered.
Darunia threw her a Look, and pushed Ganondorf onto a stool on the side of the ring. "OK, let me show you..."
He did a sort of clumsy jump, and rapidly kicked the air.
"My legs are too short to actually do it, you have to figure out the rest!" Darunia explained.
Ganondorf sighed, and then complained, "Hey, you said I could be done if I did the punch!"
"You punched YOURSELF. Not ME." Darunia said simply. "Now kick."
Ganondorf sighed, and then said triumphantly, "OK! I AM GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME! I WILL NOT MAKE AN IDIOT OUT OF MYSELF AGAIN!"
"Awww..." Saria, Link and Zelda whined.
Impa threw them all the same Look.
Ganondorf took a few steps back, ran forward and...
POW!
WHUMP!

-Followed by the sound of the cot collapsing under the weight of Saria, Link and Zelda, all laughing so hard they could barely breathe and clutching their stomachs in mirth.
"YOU GUYS!" Impa snapped, standing up. "That's not funny!"
"HE KICKED HIMSELF IN THE FACE!" Zelda shrieked hysterically.
"I'll have to admit, that was pretty funny," Darunia chuckled.
"AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD?" Link screeched with laughter.
Darunia grabbed a basin of water from below the ring, and splashed it all over the unconscious Ganondorf, who sat up sputtering helplessly.
"GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN ON THE GROOOOOOOOOOUND GET AROOOOOOOOOUND AND GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN DOOOOOOOOWN LOWWWWWWWW... YOU KNOOOOOOOWWWW... GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN... MY UNDERWEAR IS BROWWWWWWWWWWWWWN, I'M WEARING A FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN, I'M UPSIDE DOOOOOOOOOWN... DOOOOOOOOOOOWN... DOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW-"
And with that Darunia smacked him over the head with the empty basin. "Get a hold of yourself, MAN!"
Ganondorf stopped immediately, and stood there stupidly for another minute or so, while Saria, Link and Zelda gasped for air and gradually calmed down.
Impa jumped up into the ring and looked at Ganondorf's eyes. "His pupils are dilated! He's got a concussion!"
"Oh, OK," Darunia said, lifting up the basin again and smacking him in the head with it.
"NOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL HIM?" shrieked Impa, snatching the basin away from him.
"Hey look guys! They're CROCK fighting!" Saria snickered.
Link and Zelda looked at her confusedly.
"Uh... Basin? CROCK? A BASIN of this? A CROCK of that?"
"Oh... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" they both howled.
"Yeah Darunia, you're going to make him KICK the BUCKET." Link giggled.
Then the three of them got started into a laughing frenzy again.
"Ganondorf! Can you hear me?" Impa yelled into his ear.
"OW... ENOUGH... SCREAMING..." Ganondorf mumbled.
"OK... thanks Darunia, but I think he'd better lie down for a while now..." Impa said, lifting Ganondorf over her head and setting him down on one of the other cots.
"Uh... OK..." Darunia replied as he packed up his wrestling ring.
"Please, come again Darunia!" Zelda giggled.
"Yeah, I could use a good laugh every once and a while!" Saria added.
Then the two of them and Link were on the floor howling with laughter again.


TUESDAY-

"Just you wait, Impa! There's no way he'll be able to STAND being good again after I'm done with him!" Saria said proudly.
"And this is coming from you, the one who was laughing at him the other day." Impa grumbled. "And why did you need the dungeons for your plan anyway?"
"You'll see," Saria said happily. "Where'd Link and Zelda go?"
"I sent them to get Ganondorf ready to go." Impa replied, pushing open the door to the infirmary...
To see Link and Zelda laughing hysterically as they watched Ganondorf perform the Chicken Dance.
"I DON'T WANNA BE A CHICKEN! I DON'T WANNA BE A DUCK! I JUST WANNA SHAKE MY BUTT!" he sang merrily.
"ZELDA!" Impa cried.
"WHAAT?" she shrugged innocently. "You never told us what exactly to do!"
"Yeah, you just said to go." Link added.
Impa sighed, and then said, "I told you to make sure he was dressed and everything!"
Upon seeing Impa, Ganondorf raced over to her and swept a low bow, kissing her hand again. "Good morning Miss Impa... and isn't it a lovely morning?"
"Just peachy." Impa snapped.
Saria dragged a boom box out of the closet and slipped in a tape, and waited for Impa to give her the signal.
"Oh by the way Ganondorf, something terrible has happened!" Impa said in monotone.
"WHAT?!" he gasped.
Saria pressed play, and dramatic music blasted out of the stereo. Then she ran up to Ganondorf and wailed even more dramatically.
"OH GANONDORF! IT'S THE MOST TERRIBLE THING! THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!"
"Huh?" Ganondorf asked confusedly, scratching the Evil-O-Matic helmet. "But... Zelda's right here..."
"The OTHER PRINCESS!" Saria gasped in terror. "The ghost of Dark Link has taken her down to the dungeons, and he's going to kill her if you don't hurry and rescue her!"
"Oh dear! Don't you think I should stay here and protect Miss Impa and yourself, Miss Saria? Mr. Link should definitely go after the monster!" Ganondorf said quickly.
"No, he can't go! He's got... a Charlie Horse!" Saria said, winking obviously at Link.
"Huh? Oh yeah... OWWW!" he screamed, clutching his leg in pain and falling over.
"Very well then!" Ganondorf said triumphantly. "I must do what I can to uphold the forces of good and righteousness! I MUST SUCCEED!"
And with that he sped out of the infirmary and down to the dungeons.
"OK, we've only got a few minutes before he gets to the dungeons! Hurry up and get to your places!" Saria barked.
Zelda and Link nodded, and the two of them, Saria and Impa slipped through a secret passage in the back of the infirmary.

Ganondorf pushed the dungeon door open as quietly as he could, even then making a huge squeak. The damp, dank dungeons were glowing with a strange blue light.
"I must succeed!" he cried. "But how will I succeed without a sword?"
"GAAAANONDOOOOOORF..." a wailing voice called.
"Who said that?" he said, jumping.
"Over here! Straight! Then left! Then right! Now a little more left... RIGHT HERE! STOP!"
Ganondorf followed the directions, and then screeched to a halt to find a small puddle of water that was glowing purple.
"Whoa..." Ganondorf said in awe.
Suddenly, rising out of the puddle with the help of Shadow Sage powers came a beautiful woman who mysteriously resembled Impa draped in a sheet with her hair down.
"IMPA?!?! YOU'RE A GHOST!" Ganondorf gasped.
"No... I am not Impa! I am the Priestess of the Puddle... Here to present to you the mighty sword Extinguisher!" Impa said in her wailing voice.
Impa threw Ganondorf a sword, and he bowed chivalrously.
"Thank you, dear Priestess of the Puddle... I WOULD fight for your honor, but I must fight for the honor of my true love, my dear sweet beloved, the object of my desires IMPA the Sage of Shadow and the-"
"Yes, yes, good, good!" Impa snapped angrily. "Just go!"
Grabbing the sword, Ganondorf raced down the slimy dungeon corridor.
Suddenly, Zelda leaped out at him, with her face painted green and a pair of novelty vampire teeth. "HOOWA!" she snarled. "THE PRINCESS' BONES SHALL LAY IN THE DUNGEONS FORE- OW!"
That was Ganondorf courageously kicking Zelda in the face, knocking her flat and unconscious against the wall with a huge imprint of his boot across her face.
"BACK, FOUL CREATURE!" he screamed. "I must succeed!"
Running down another corridor, the brave evil king was confronted by a series of passages with boulders rolling back and forth across small ramps.
"I must succeed!" he called again, completely oblivious to Darunia, who was busily running back and forth along the rows, pushing all 16 boulders back and forth.
"Pant... pant... pant..." Darunia sighed. "Saria's just lucky that this was my talent in high school..."
"No problem!" Ganondorf cried, forming a great orb of black energy in his hands and using it to crush each and every boulder in his way in one great blast of rubble...
Leaving Darunia standing in the middle of the corridor, his eyes glowing in the blue light and a deer-in-the-headlights look on. "BWA!" he shrieked, running away.
"Another creature falls to me!" Ganondorf said triumphantly. "Hey... wait a sec... since when can I create great big orbs of dark magic? I've never been able to do that be-"
Just then, Saria dropped from the ceiling in equally cheesy-looking makeup, landing on Ganondorf's head and snarling. "EEEHHHAAAH! HAR HAR- KLUNK!"
Ganondorf knocked her over the head with the blunt end of the sword, and she fell to the floor like a sack of wet mice.
Finally, Ganondorf reached a blue glowing door with a big lock on it. "This must be where the Princess is!" he said heroically. "I must succeed!"
"I don't think so!" an eerie voice hissed.
Link stepped out from the shadows, covered in black paint and wielding the freshly black-painted Master Sword.
"DARK LINK!" Ganondorf gasped. "You were created as an evil monster by my former evil self... now I will destroy you in the name of all that is gorgeous! ... Impaaaaa..." he drooled.
Link leaped at him with the Master Sword, but Ganondorf stepped out of the way and stuck out his foot.
"What the- OUCH!" Link snapped, just before he slammed face-first into the wall and dropped unconscious to the floor.

Ganondorf held up Extinguisher dramatically and screamed, "I have succeeded! Princess! Oh Mysterious Princess! Are you all right?"
He chopped the flimsy lock off of the door with the sword, and swung it open as quickly as he could. Misty blue fog spilled out of the room, and Ganondorf coughed. "Princess? Are you in there?"
Suddenly, a silhouette appeared against the smoke. A glowing blue silhouette...
"YOU SAVED MEEE!" shrieked Ruto, leaping out of the room and glomping the very confused Ganondorf. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses. "MY HEEEERO!"
Grabbing a can of breath freshener out of her pocket, Ruto gave herself two sprays, grabbed Ganondorf's face, and...
"Princess Ruto! Wait- Please, don't... "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-mmpgppgpphppphpphhh!" he screamed, followed by muffled kissing noises.

In the shadows just beyond the door where Ruto was... rewarding her rescuer, Link, Saria, Zelda, Darunia (all beaten up and bloody) and Impa were watching shaking their heads.
"Man... I thought seeing that happen to Ganondorf would be cool... but it's just... TOO... TOO CRUEL!" Link sobbed, wiping his nose that was dripping blood.
"I told you he'd want to be evil again!" Saria said proudly, rubbing a huge bump on her head.
Zelda was trying to use some concealer to cover up the huge boot-mark on her face. "We don't know for sure yet, Saria. Don't be so cocky. Just enjoy the moment..."
"If anything, he took a big step forward. He knows how to use his evil powers again!" Darunia said happily, taking care of his singed hair.
Impa was in the middle of tying her hair up again. "Well, I just hope... what the... HOLY SHAMOLEY! SWEET CHEESE, IS THAT A TENTACLE?!"
"WHAT?" Link cried. "WHERE?"
"AAAGGGHHH!" Zelda screamed. "STOP, STOP RUTO! IT'S TOO GROSS!"
Saria blinked confusedly. "Whaaa?"
"Just kidding..." Impa giggled. "OK, let's go get her off of him now."
The four of them raced forward and snatched Ruto off of poor Ganondorf, who had turned green.
"Ruto, Ruto that's enough!" Zelda snapped.
Shaking and sweating, Ganondorf tried to look triumphant again, but just ended up looking pathetic. "I... have... succeeded... Ugh..."
Ruto now pulled out a can of disinfectant, and coated herself with a healthy layer of it. "EWEWEWEWEWEEWWW! I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID THAT!" She threw off her sunglasses, and Saria picked them up.
"Hey... these have a picture of Link pasted onto both frames!" Saria said.
Impa patted Ganondorf on the back. "Good job, Ganondorf! You saved her!"
Ganondorf let out a pitiful sob, and collapsed into Impa's arms. "I think I need to lie down..."
"Looks like it worked!" Impa mouthed to Saria, who wasn't paying attention. She had put on Ruto's glasses and was pointing at people going, "HI LINK! HI LINK! HAHAHA!"
"Thanks for saving me, Ganny-Poo!" Ruto said in a fake sweet voice.
"Come on Ganondorf... let's go put you to bed. You've had a hard day saving people and fighting for righteousness." Impa said, leading Ganondorf back through the dungeons. He was crying.
"I need to go put something on this, I think," Zelda said, motioning to her face. "Come on, you guys... let's go celebrate Ganondorf's return to evilness!"
"Yay!" Link said happily, trying to leave. Suddenly, a scaly hand grabbed his shoulder.
"Ahem."
"Oh, hi... Ruto..." Link gulped.
She held out her hand, palm up. "Come on. You said you'd pay me."
He placed a gold Rupee in her hand. "OK, better go now..."
"Nope. You said you'd pay me... SOMETHING ELSE." she said threateningly.
"But Ruto..." Link wailed. "The bloody nose... the pain..."
She shook her head rapidly.
"... Please no!" Link wailed again.
"Ah-ah-AAAHHH... you promised!"
Link swallowed hard, and called to Saria, Zelda and Darunia. "I'll... I'll catch up with you later..." Then he let out a strangled sob.
The three of them stopped and turned around just in time to see Ruto grab Link and force him into a great big kiss.
"Ewww..." they shuddered.
"Well, a promise is a promise, I guess." Darunia said.
Zelda nodded. "Yeah, and... HOLY SHAMOLEY! SWEET CHEESE, IS THAT A TENTACLE?!"
"WHAT? WHERE?" Link gasped.
"Shut up, Link! You're ruining the mood!" Ruto snapped.
"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE, IT IS A TENTACLE!" Darunia shrieked.
"... whaa?" Saria mumbled confusedly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" Link screamed, when he saw the tentacle on his shoulder.
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, LINK?" Ruto warned. "NOW KISS ME, YOU FOOL!"
"NOOO! ZELDA, DARUNIA PLEASE! SAVE- MPPHFGHGGGHHMMM!!!"
"WHOA! EWWW, THAT'S NOT RIIIIIGHT!" Zelda and Darunia groaned.


WEDNESDAY-

The next morning, Impa woke up with a fresh and happy outlook on life. Finally... the cursed Evil-O-Matic's defectiveness had been defeated, and Ganondorf was back to his repulsive, disgusting self!
She was sure of it. The day before, when she had led him back to the infirmary and tucked him in, he had sobbed pathetically: "I NEVER WANT TO SAVE A PRINCESS AGAIN!"
That was good enough for Impa. She was ready to go, wake up Ganondorf, and issue him a pardon for his crimes, then happily send him out the door back to Gerudo Valley where he could plot some more evil.
"Finally... he's going to leave!" she cooed as she brushed her hair. "This means I have to give Ruto and Saria great big birthday presents!"
Then, she grabbed her handy criminal pardoning kit and rushed off to Zelda's room, to find her still asleep.
"ZELDA!" she cried.
"AACK! WHATWHATWH- Impa!" Zelda shrieked. "You scared the crap out of me! What do you want this early in the morning?"
"Sign this, please," Impa said, handing her a slip of paper.
Zelda rubbed her eyes groggily and scanned over the paper.

THIS DOCUMENT WHEN OFFICIALLY SIGNED BY ZELDA, PRINCESS OF HYRULE, SERVES AS A CRIMINAL PARDON FOR: Ganondorf Dragmire
WHO WAS ACCUSED OF THE CRIME OF: Messing up Zelda's inauguration
AND SENTENCED TO: Two months of indentured servitude under the Evil-O-Matic 3000 brand punishment device
WE'RE SORRY WE HAD TO PUT YOU THROUGH ALL THAT: Ganondorf Dragmire
GO HOME, GET BACK TO YOUR NORMAL LIFE, AND: Quit messing up inaugurations, 'K?
SIGNED: ____________________ Zelda, Princess of Hyrule
WITNESS: Impa, Sage of Shadow


"OK... wait- What is this? A PARDON?! FOR GANONDORF?! Impa, whaddya nuts?"
"No, I am not!" Impa said. "He's back to normal now. So let him go."
"Nooooo, I don't want toooo!" Zelda wailed. "He still owes three weeks of servitude! I will NOT be suckered out of my well-spent 29.95 Rupees plus shipping and handling!"
"Don't you think having your personality changed is punishment enough?" Impa snapped.
"For that lying, low-life scumbag? Uh, NO!"
Impa gave Zelda The Look.
She groaned, threw her hands up in the air, and grabbed her official document signing pen. "FINE, IMPA. I'll sign it, OK? Jeez..."
She scribbled her loopy signature on the line, and handed the pardon back to Impa.
"Go have fun telling your boyfriend to go home." Zelda snarled.
"He is NOT my boyfriend." Impa retorted.

Impa practically raced down the hall to the infirmary, planning exactly what she would say to Ganondorf to make him leave. Throwing the door open, she cried, "GANONDORF! PACK YOUR BAGS, YOU JERK! YOU'VE BEEN PARDONED, NOW GET OUTTA-"
"PLEASE, Miss Impa... I'm trying to figure out this crossword puzzle!"
Impa stopped in her tracks and stared into the infirmary.
Ganondorf was sitting in a plushy over-stuffed upholstered chair wearing a pair of sophisticated reading glasses and reading the New York Times, working out the crossword puzzle with a dull pencil. The radio was playing soft classical music, and he was drinking a cup of fine English tea.
Impa gasped. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Miss Impa, with all due respect, you shouldn't shout like that!" Ganondorf scolded calmly.
"I thought... I thought you were..."
"Were what?" asked Ganondorf. "Oh, you mean yesterday? My dear lady, the Princess Ruto was only showing me her gratitude at the fact that I had saved her from those horrible creatures in the dungeons! It hadn't anything to do with her feelings for me... It was just an automatic reflex of gratefulness. Certainly, being frenched by a fish-woman was not high on my list of things I wanted to do in life, but I respect Princess Ruto's opinions in the matter and I do not prosecute her actions as an insult!"
The pardon slipped through Impa's fingers and hit the floor. Then she collapsed against the wall, sobbing. "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAAAAIR..."
"Oh dear!" Ganondorf cried, leaping to his feet and giving Impa a big hug. "My dear Miss Impa, I am sorry if I have said anything to make you angry or upset! Can I make it up to you?"
"STOP... BEING... SO... NICE!" she growled.
"But... Miss Impa, I..." he stammered, patting her on the shoulder.
"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU SLIMEBALL!"
"Oh, sorry Miss Impa..."
She jumped to her feet and crumpled up the pardon into her pocket. "I'm FINE, Ganondorf. You just... ENJOY your stupid crossword puzzle, OK?!"
Then she stomped out of the room angrily, leaving Ganondorf wondering what he said.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." Impa said angrily as she stomped through the corridors of the castle. She reached the door to the library, flopped down in a chair, and pulled out a notepad and a pen.
She thought long and hard about some way to turn Ganondorf back to normal...
"Ganondorf, both before and after the accident, has one gigantic weakness that I can use to my advantage... He's madly in love with me!" she pondered, jotting it down on the paper. "If I could use that... but how?"
It was about 20 minutes before Impa was struck with an epiphany.
"Yes... that might work! Yes, it will work! It's going to take a while, but..." She grinned maniacally, and scribbled the details of her plan onto the paper.
"It's not going to be easy..." she said, "It's not going to be AT ALL fun... It'll probably be slightly disgusting... But if I can pull it off before Zelda's birthday next week... it will be perfect!"

CHAPTER SIX: IMPA'S PERFECT PLAN -or- GANONDORF: THE DRAMATIC CLIMACTIC END OF THE ECSTATIC EVIL-O-MATIC FANATIC

FRIDAY-

Two days later, Impa's perfect plan went into effect.

It began as a normal day for the cheerful, non-evil evil king. He woke up, ate a hearty breakfast of pancakes, brushed his teeth for two minutes and flossed, then sat down to read the comics.
"OH MAN! I love that Family Circus!" he giggled. "It's so INNOCENT! HAHAHAHA-"
"Hello, Ganondorf."
He jumped out of his chair and ripped the comics in half in surprise when he saw Impa standing in the doorway wearing a sun hat.
"Why, good morning Miss Impa! I haven't seen you since Wednesday... I was afraid I had said something wrong!"
"Oh, not at all!" Impa cooed. "It just got me to thinking... I really don't see you enough. You're a guest in Zelda and my home, and we hardly even talk to you! You poor thing, cooped up in this tiny little room all the time..."
"Oh, I don't mind!" Ganondorf said cheerfully. "It's really a rather nice room."
"No, really," Impa replied. "You need to get outside once and a while. See the garden... feel the sunshine... nice things like that, you know?"
"I... guess so, Miss Impa."
"Please, just Impa," she grinned, winking. "Come on. I'm going on a walk in the garden. Would you like to come with me?"
"Well... sure!" he giggled, jumping out of his seat.

The couple strolled through the garden as planned, and engaged in a lively conversation about which type of peanut butter they preferred, Chunky or Creamy.
"I like Creamy myself..." Impa said shyly.
"Really? Me too! I like it because it reminds me of your beautiful creamy complexion..." Ganondorf said sweetly.
"Oh, how cute!" Impa giggled. "You know what else I like? Scrabble. Scrabble has got to be the most entertaining board game in the world."
"I love Scrabble!" Ganondorf cried. "Would you like to come back up to my room and play it with me?"
"Of course!" Impa swooned, falling into his arms.

Zelda was watching from an upstairs window. She had been a bit concerned when she saw Impa WALKING with Ganondorf without punching him, but became even MORE concerned when she let him touch her without punching him.
But it wasn't until she saw them playing footsie by the pond that she became EXTREMELY concerned.
"Something is OBSCENELY wrong..." she said worriedly. "I'd better call Link..."


SATURDAY-

On Saturday, the Hyrule Carnival came to town on the castle grounds, and everyone came to play overpriced impossible to win games, ride overpriced rides, and make themselves sick on cotton candy.
"Where should we go next, you guys?" asked Saria happily as she, three other Sages, Link, Malon and Zelda got off the roller coaster.
"No more rides..." Darunia groaned, clutching his stomach. "I feel sick..."
"We could play some games," suggested Malon. "I'm really good at the dart toss."
"I bet I'm better," Zelda replied haughtily.
"Don't fight, you two!" Link scolded. "Why don't we go to the makeshift boardwalk and see a show?"
"Sounds good to me!" Ruto giggled. "Anything that Link wants, I want it too..."
Nabooru rolled her eyes. "Anyone want to enter a pie-eating contest with me?"
Darunia turned green.
"Well, we've got to decide on SOMETHING to do." Link said.
"Impa would know..." Zelda said forlornly. "It's too bad she didn't want to come with us..."
"Yeah, what's up with her lately anyway?" asked Nabooru.
"I didn't think she'd be THAT upset when my plan didn't work," Saria pondered out loud.
"But she hasn't wanted to talk to any of us for almost a week! How weird..." Ruto said.
The group reached the Tunnel of Love, and Link immediately tried to take off in the other direction. But three pairs of arms grabbed him before he could go anywhere.
"Come on Link... let's go, it'll be fun!" Zelda giggled.
"No way Zelly! He's going with ME." Malon snapped. "I can serenade you with my singing."
"You're both washed up!" Ruto cried. "I'll take my beloved Linky-Poo into the Tunnel of Love, and he'll immediately decide to marry me!"
"I'd really rather not..." Link wailed.
"You wanna go with me, Nabooru?" asked Darunia.
"Uh... sorry Darunia... I think I'll go enter that pie-eating contest now... No offense, but you'll probably tip the boat over." Nabooru said quickly.
As the three girls squabbled over who would ride with Link, Saria poked him on the shoulder. "Wanna ride with me, as friends, Link?"
"YEAH, I'LL DO THAT!" he said quickly.
The other three stopped arguing and stared angrily at Saria.
"Just let me finish my lemonade first," Link said, taking a big gulp of it.
Suddenly, his eyes popped out and he sprayed a mouthful of lemonade all over Zelda, Malon and Ruto.
"EWW, Link!" they whined.
"HOLY FRUITS! YOU GUYS! LOOK AT THAT!" he shrieked as he pointed in the direction of the Tunnel of Love.
"What?" asked Darunia.
"Was it necessary to spray us with lemon- WHOAA!" Malon gasped. "THERE'S IMPA RIGHT THERE!"
"Where?" asked Saria.
"OVER THERE! IN LINE FOR THE TUNNEL OF LOVE!" Nabooru cried.
"In line? With who?" Ruto yelled, pushing Nabooru aside.
"IN LINE WITH GANONDORF!" Zelda squealed.
"You're joking, RIGHT?" Saria gasped, squeezing between Ruto and Nabooru's legs for a better look. "Is she really in line with him, or..."
"They're HUGGING." Malon wailed.
The seven of them blinked several times, rubbed their eyes in disbelief, and stared at the sickening sight before them.
Impa and Ganondorf, hugging and giggling, were getting into a boat on the Tunnel of Love...
Zelda couldn't hold it in anymore. "AGH! That is DISGUSTING!"
"What does she think she's doing?" Link cried.
"That is so creepy!" Saria shuddered.
"GANONDORF and IMPA..." Nabooru wailed.
"Ewww..." Darunia groaned.
Malon just murmured blankly.
Ruto shook her head sadly. "That's it. Impa's lost her mind..."
"We can only hope... they can cure that, you know!" Link said quickly. "Let's just... wait until they come out, and see what..."
For three agonizing minutes, the disgusted seven waited by the side of the ride, just waiting for the boat carrying the two to come out.
Finally, the tip of boat #4 emerged...
"What are they doing?!" Zelda gasped. "Can anyone see?"
The boat moved into the sunlight, and seven mouths dropped open in disbelief.
GANONDORF... AND IMPA... WERE MAKING OUT...
And a collective scream of terror shot across the castle grounds.


SUNDAY-

"BUT WHY IMPA, WHYYYYYY?" Zelda begged to her nanny, who was making her lunch. "WHY HIM? WHYYYYY? There're THOUSANDS of people in Hyrule! THOUSANDS! And you fall in love with the most repulsive... DISGUSTING... manners-lacking lowlife SLUG in the whole world!"
"He is not repulsive, disgusting, manners-lacking, a lowlife, OR a slug!" Impa snapped. "He's a kind and gentle man scarred by what happened to him in his childhood and when he was evil! He's changed Zelda, and it's my own decision if I love him or not!"
"But GANONDORF! The EVIL ONE?" Zelda wailed.
"Yes! OK? I LOVE GANONDORF!" Impa shrieked dramatically. "And nothing you say or do is going to stop me!"
"But what if you get married?! My nanny-in-law is going to be a repulsive, disgusting, manners-lacking, lowlife SLUG!"
"I told you he wasn't like that at all," Impa snapped, throwing Zelda a cheese sandwich and starting on another one.
"But what'll people SAY, Impa?" Zelda sobbed. "Princess Zelda: Charge-In-Law of GANONDORF the evil king!"
"They'll say that he's certainly changed, and that he is indeed a gentle, caring man!" Impa retorted, squirting mustard and horseradish on the sandwich.
Zelda shook her head sadly. "What did he do to you Impa? What did he say? Did he brainwash you?! I bet he did! He gave you some of that black stuff in the bottle that he used on Nabooru, didn't he?"
"He didn't do anything to me," Impa said calmly, sticking that sandwich into a bag and starting on another one.
"I don't believe it... I do NOT believe it..." Zelda groaned, clutching her hair.
"Believe it Zelda, I'm in love, and for once you're NOT the only person in my life I give a crap about."
Zelda's mouth dropped open and she was silent for a few minutes. Impa made several more sandwiches, and packed them all into bags.
Finally, Zelda cleared her throat and spoke. "By the way... why are you making all those sandwiches? I only wanted one."
"Ganondorf and I are going on a picnic lunch," Impa replied.
Zelda groaned and collapsed into a chair.


MONDAY-

"We have GOT to do something about this!" Zelda cried, pounding her gavel on the table. She had called an emergency Sage meeting, and they had all showed up, except for Impa and Rauru, who doesn't like going to that sort of thing. Link was filling Impa's empty chair.
"I agree!" Link cried. "It's outrageous! The Sage of Shadow... hanging out with that creep!"
"I still say she's lost her mind!" Ruto said angrily. "We can't have a Sage of Shadow that's balmy! I say we revoke her Sage license!"
"We don't HAVE Sage licenses," Nabooru calmly reminded her.
"Oh yeah..." Ruto said, scratching her head.
"But still! We cannot have one of our own Sages, devoted to all that is good and righteous dating that creature!" Darunia said. "I hate Gerudos!"
Nabooru scowled.
"Oh, no offense, Nabooru... just the evil ones!" Darunia said quickly.
"Better," she snapped.
"Listen, you guys... My birthday is this Wednesday, and Impa is going to be invited to do the honors of cutting my cake... I don't want her coming if she's going to bring Ganondorf!"
"You guys..." Saria interrupted. "I know we all hate Ganondorf and all, but Impa has got a point- He has changed."
"He's too unpredictable," Link argued. "It said in the instruction guide that ANY SECOND after a head injury, it may reverse... the slightest movement or touch could change the Evil-O-Matic's control on his brain. And then we're stuck with an evil sorcerer parading around the castle."
The Sages all nodded.
"But..." Saria interrupted again, "Poor Impa! She's never dated in her life, and now she finally finds someone she likes. It would be selfish of us to take him away from her, just because he used to be evil until you got him in the crotch the other day!"
There were several mumbles of appreciation.
This statement reminded Zelda of the day before... when Impa had said to her, "Believe it Zelda, I'm in love, and for once you're NOT the only person in my life I give a crap about..."
Did Impa really think she was that selfish?
"You know what I think..." Zelda said, Impa's voice still echoing in her head. "I think, that if we could figure out some way to make it so Ganondorf NEVER changed back... then we wouldn't have to worry! Impa could date him, we could all relax, and half the evil forces in the world would be gone."
"Can we do that, though?" Nabooru asked worriedly.
"Sure, just take off the helmet!" Zelda said happily.
"But I thought we WANTED Ganondorf to be evil again!" Ruto said. "Why else in the name of heaven would I EVER have made out with him?"
"You guys... think about the past few weeks!" Zelda cried. "Link, have you feared for your life even ONCE since Ganondorf's been nice?"
"Well... no." Link shrugged.
"Saria, the forest has been peaceful since then. No worry about monsters or anything at all."
"True," Saria nodded.
"Darunia! Have your Gorons been afraid of something coming out of the Cavern or the Mountain and eating them?"
"Not at all!" Darunia told her.
"Ruto, you got to make out with Link because of him!"
"Very true..." Ruto smiled smugly.
"Nabooru, you made PEACE with him!"
"I... well... I guess so." Nabooru agreed.
"And me! I haven't laughed so hard in my life!" Zelda giggled. "And Impa's fallen in love with the new Ganondorf. Is it really so bad that his evil side is gone?"
"NO!" they all cried.
"The way I see it, we're seeing the REAL Ganondorf. The one uncorrupted by a bad childhood or some guy running over his dog, or something like that." Zelda explained. "Why not let the REAL Ganondorf live the rest of his life in peace? On Wednesday night... The Evil-O-Matic 3000 will be removed, and Ganondorf will be nice for good!"
"YAY!" the Sages all cheered.
Zelda began to preach. "That's what I think! No more evil!"
"YAY!"
"No more fearing for our lives!"
"YAY!"
"No more monsters!"
"YAY!"
"No more Evil King!"
"YAAAAY!"
"And... NO MORE RUINED BARBECUES!"

An hour after the meeting, Zelda was up in her room writing out the plan for Operation Helmet. She gazed out the window and saw the silhouettes of Impa and Ganondorf kissing up on the roof.
"Just you wait, Impa!" Zelda said. "On Wednesday, I'm going to give you a birthday present you'll never forget! Only it's MY birthday and not YOURS!"


TUESDAY-

The Great Hall was bustling on Tuesday as thousands of caterers and florists and interior decorators swamped the castle, decorating for Zelda's grand birthday banquet the next night. Impa was in charge of decorations, and she was even letting Ganondorf help with the floral arrangements.
"How is this, my love?" asked Ganondorf sweetly, showing her an arrangement of baby's breath and lilacs.
"It's beautiful..." Impa said dreamily. "Zelda will absolutely love it!"
"It's so wonderful to celebrate someone's birthday!" Ganondorf grinned happily.
"Oh yes, it is..." Impa sighed. But her mind was racing.
"Finally..." she thought, "At last, I can finally get Zelda that birthday gift she's been whining about all month... Tomorrow, the Evil-O-Matic will turn Ganondorf back to normal, and tomorrow, Zelda's going to get the birthday present she'll never forget!"
And Ganondorf, completely in the dark about the whole thing, was getting to work on another floral arrangement.

Meanwhile, up in her room, Zelda was calling all the Sages to tell them their part in Operation Helmet.
"Are you sure this will work, Zelda?" asked Saria nervously. "I still don't know if we should do this."
"Of course it'll work!" Zelda smiled. "My plan is foolproof! I thought of it when I was watching a movie last night!"
"So, what do I have to do again?"
"You're in charge of guarding the podium to make sure that Ganondorf stays there until Darunia and Link are ready, OK?"
"Got it!" Saria said. "I can't wait..."
"Yeah, me either..." Zelda smiled smugly, watching Impa and Ganondorf carrying in boxes of flowers as Ganondorf made her a daisy chain.


WEDNESDAY- (Evening, the day of the party)

Zelda was all dressed up in her finest for the big birthday banquet by 6:00. And the rest of her comrades in Operation Helmet were there early too, also in their finest, but all prepared for the plan...
Guests from all over Hyrule were shuffling into the Great Hall and taking their seats. EVERYONE who was ANYONE was there- King Zora and the other Zoras (sans Ruto, who was preparing a "special" party punch), the Gorons (sans Darunia, who was setting up a rope and pulley system), the Gerudo (sans Nabooru, who was helping Link prepare a huge slingshot), and even the Kokiri (sans Saria, who was changing the programs to make room for a long speech by Ganondorf) had all come to celebrate.
Zelda sat in her seat at the front of the room by a big speech podium. After what seemed like forever, Impa, Ganondorf, the other Sages and Link joined her at the front table of honor.
She turned to Nabooru and mouthed, "Are we OK?"
Nabooru winked, and pointed to her watch.
On three, all six of them synchronized their watches.
At 6:30 on the dot, the band began to play a lively tune, and Impa walked up to the front podium. "May I have your attention please?" she said.
Everyone continued mumbling.
"I said MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!"
Everyone shut up.
"Thank you, and welcome to Princess Zelda's birthday banquet! I am Impa, your host and the Sage of Shadow, and I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate our fair Princess' special day!"
(Insert applause)
"We have several activities planned for the night, starting at 7:30, when we will begin the speeches. But until then, I want you all to eat, drink, dance, be merry, and have a good time!"
(Insert applause)

Drinking, eating, and dancing went on for a while, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Ganondorf led the men in a rousing rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", and Zelda told all the women how she got her hair so shiny.
Every once and a while, Zelda or Impa would look at their watch nervously and then around at everyone in the room.
At about 7:16, Impa was picking at her food nervously, silently hoping that after all her hard work, her plan would go as planned. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Impa darling, may I have this dance?" asked Ganondorf suavely.
"Of course," she giggled, taking him by the hand and heading out onto the floor.
As the happy couple dance, the rest of the Sages, Zelda and Link all wiped away a little tear.
"I hope Impa will like our surprise," Ruto said.
"SSHHH! Don't ruin it, Ruto!" Nabooru hissed.

At last it was 7:30. Everyone returned to their seats, and Impa stood up front at the podium.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Zelda will now make her annual birthday speech!" Impa said proudly.
Zelda stepped up to the podium, took out a lot of notes, and put on her classy glasses again. Then she cleared her throat.
"My fellow Hylians... thanks for coming, stay in school, don't eat soap, and always, always, always ask your children who they will be with, where they are going, when they are going, and what they will be doing. Thank you."
Then she sat down again.
Four Sages and Link clapped ecstatically. Everyone else looked at Zelda confusedly.
"Um... OK..." Impa said. "And I guess the next speech will be by Ganondorf Dragmire."
That was the signal to go. Link and the four Sages stood up quickly, and rushed off to perform their duties.
Ruto passed out large cups of punch to every guest. Secretly though, the punch was laced with a prescription drug used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder, and it would keep the audience hanging on Ganondorf's every word, so they wouldn't pay attention to what was happening around him.
Saria stood next to Ganondorf with a wine glass and a fork in her hand.
Darunia, Link and Nabooru sped off to the left side of the stage where a large ice sculpture of a slingshot was set. Darunia placed a rubber band around both ends of it, and Link and Nabooru climbed into the rubber band. Darunia stretched it back, and fired Link and Nabooru up into the rafters above the podium. Then, Darunia raced next to the podium, also grabbing a wine glass and fork.
Ganondorf blushed, and spoke into the microphone. "Um, hello? Is this thing on? Ah, yes! HELLO EVERYONE! And welcome to our beautiful Princess Zelda's birthday party!"
There was silence across the room. Ganondorf noticed that almost the entire audience's faces were frozen into looks of sheer terror. No one left, however, as the party punch was starting to take effect.
Ganondorf looked at all the faces, and then said, "Oh. I know what this is about. You're... you're afraid of me. Because of who I used to be, aren't you? Well first of all, let me tell you: I am a changed man, my good people! I have not committed an evil deed in almost a full month and a half!"
There was a great collective gasp.
Zelda watched nervously as Link slipped on a rope harness and Nabooru attached the pulley to the loop. Then they waited for her to give the signal as Nabooru attached the pulley to the ceiling.
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses to keep Ganondorf going.
"And you know WHY I have changed? Two reasons... this helmet on my head. The Evil-O-Matic 3000... it has changed who I am! I have an entirely new outlook on life... And the other reason I have changed is... the young lady with the silver hair sitting next to the Princess."
Impa gasped. But inside, she was smiling. Her plan WAS working!
"Impa, my darling, I am madly in love with you. You are the fairest creature in the kingdom, both in looks and in soul! Your heart is so pure that you could overlook my hideous past, and love me for who I truly am: The man I have become!"
Everyone "Awwwww"ed.
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses again.
"You are the sun in my life, Impa... and I don't want to spend another minute of my life without you by my side! I want to grow old with you, Impa!"
Ganondorf pulled a small box out of his pocket, pulled Impa up onstage, and handed her a gorgeous diamond.
"Impa, will you marry me?"
Everyone "Awwww"ed again.
Impa smiled beatifically. A single tear slid down her cheek, and she took the diamond.
This was it: Zelda signaled to Link and Nabooru. Link jumped down from the rafters, and Nabooru slowly lowered him down over Ganondorf's head, and he reached for the helmet, but was too far to the left. Nabooru struggled to lower him into the right spot.
This was it: The final part of Impa's plan came now. She pocketed the ring, put a haughty look on her face, and said smugly, "No way in hell."
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses so hard they broke, and then stared at Impa in shock.
Everyone gasped, and Ganondorf looked positively stunned. "What... why Impa, what... why not?"
"Because I hate you," Impa said icily. "I hate you more than acne. You rank just above mud and just below head lice on my list of things I like. You're the ugliest, stupidest, most gullible jerk in the kingdom!"
Zelda did a double-take. She couldn't BELIEVE what she was hearing.
"Impaaaa..." Ganondorf wailed. "Impaaa... why?"
Impa laughed wickedly, and held up her checkbook. "I've stolen your checkbook and I've been bouncing checks all over the place, just waiting for you to figure it out. But you're so stupid and so in love with me, you didn't even notice! And the ONLY reason I even talked to you at all was so I could make Zelda angry and get into the heart of the man I really love: Big Brother Darunia Goron!"
Ganondorf choked on his own words, and began sputtering like a baby.
Impa pulled Darunia over to her and gave him a big kiss. He was as stunned as Ganondorf, who was wringing his hands nervously and trying to keep himself from sobbing.
"And you know what else...?" Impa said quietly and maliciously. "I wish Zelda would have gotten it over with and executed you like she was planning on." Ganondorf broke down into dry, racking sobs, and Link finally got a hold on the helmet. He adjusted his grip, and Nabooru began to pull him up...

Ganondorf was shaking in agony. He burst into tears and started wailing like a two-year-old.
Impa, quite satisfied with how her plan was going, suddenly noticed Link about to pull the helmet off. Panicking, Impa got right in Ganondorf's face and screamed, "And you know what else, you great blubbering buffoon? I... HATE... SCRABBLE!"
That did it. Ganondorf choked on his tears. His face turned BRIGHT... bright red, almost as red as his hair, and his eyes widened and his face contorted into a look of absolute, endless, SEETHING HATRED.
"HURRY UP LINK!" Nabooru shrieked.
Link pulled as hard as he could on the helmet just as Ganondorf lost it.

Across Hyrule echoed a terrible sound: "YOU MISERABLE, CONNIVING, DOUBLE-CROSSING, BACK-STABBING, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, STREET HARLOT B*$&%!!!!!!"
Followed almost immediately by another terrible, terrible sound:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Which was accompanied by a gigantic:
BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZT!

The smoke cleared from the room, and everyone was coughing madly.
"Impa!" Zelda shrieked. "Impa, WHAT was that all about?"
"My master plan to turn him evil again," Impa explained. "Good grief, you thought I actually was in love with HIM?"
"Uh..." Ruto stuttered.
"Wow, great plan Impa!" Saria giggled.
"You... kissed me!?!?" Darunia gasped.
"Don't look too much into it," Impa said. "You were the first person I saw."
Nabooru jumped down from the rafters. "Did it work? Did it work?"
The smoke cleared from the room, and everyone stood up, gasping.
Lying on the floor, twitching every couple of seconds with hair and eyebrows singed, was Ganondorf. The Evil-O-Matic lay a few feet away from him, sizzled beyond repair.
And next to Ganondorf, still wearing a rope harness, twitching every couple of seconds with hair and eyebrows singed, was LINK.
"Oops..." Impa said, biting her lip. "I guess Link was touching the helmet when it went off..."
Everyone crowded around the two bodies on the floor, and Impa poked Ganondorf with a stick. "Ganondorf? Ganondorf?"
His eyes fluttered open, and he blinked a couple times. "Whaaa... what the..."
"Ganondorf!" Zelda gasped.
"WHAT IN THE FREAKIN' HELL IS GOING ON? WHY IN THE HELL AM I AT YOUR FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU B*%&^Y EXCUSE FOR A PRINCESS? I DON'T OWE YOU NUTHIN' FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, MISS "Oh, Let's Put Corrective Headgear On Him" ZELDA! IF YOU EVER TRY BULL$&%* LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, I'LL SLICE YOUR BRAINLESS @$$ INTO FETTUCINE!"
"He's back!" Impa said, overjoyed.
"WOOHOO!" Saria cheered.
"Man, what were we THINKING turning him into a good guy?" Nabooru cried.
"Yeah, every GOOD story needs a bad guy. Thank heavens Nabooru can't work a rope!" Darunia said.
"A GOOD GUY?! A GOOD GUY?! YOU DUMB$&^*S WERE GONNA TURN ME INTO A GOOD GUY?!?! LIKE HELL YOU WERE! YOU EVER TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL GO MEDIEVIL ON YOUR @$$ES!"
"I'd never thought I'd be so happy to hear such terrible profanity!" Ruto swooned.
"AND YOU! YOU EVER KISS ME AGAIN AND I WILL FRY YOUR @$$ UP LIKE AN APPETIZER AT RED LOBSTER!"
Ganondorf panted wildly for a few seconds and then calmed down a bit. "Impa... Tell me the truth though... do you really hate me?"
"Somewhat," Impa said nonchalantly.
"Oh... so the kiss thing... never..."
"When Zora's Domain freezes over," Impa said.
"That could be arranged..."
"Uh, NO." Impa said quickly.

::::: MORAL TIME :::::

Ganondorf scowled and crossed his arms. "All this mess because you jerks don't got a sense of humor for me playing a harmless prank!"
"That's right." Saria nodded. "A sense of humor can help you get through the tough times in your life."
"And anyone who doesn't have one is very, very, desperately sad." Nabooru agreed.
"It's a sense of humor that could have avoided this whole thing!" Darunia said.
"Sometimes it's best to just sit back and laugh at things!" Ruto added.
"Gee, maybe I was wrong to react that way to your prank..." Zelda said, scratching her head.
"Yes, maybe we all needed to take a few steps back and have a good laugh." Impa replied.
"I'm sorry, Ganondorf! I'll never punish anyone cruelly and unusually because I haven't got a sense of humor ever again!" Zelda said, giving him a big hug.
"It's all right..." Ganondorf said, giving her a big hug. "And from now on, I'll be more sensitive to the feelings of others when I play pranks."

::::: END OF MORAL TIME :::::

Ganondorf pushed Zelda away quickly. "Ugh, yuck, I got cooties..."
Then he turned to Impa. "How about it Impa... you wanna hug and make up?"
"No." Impa said quickly.
"Aww..." Ganondorf sighed. "By the way! I never got to tell you what I wanted to tell you before I got hit in the Mommy/Daddy Button!"
"You wanted to tell us something, Ganondorf?" asked Nabooru. "What was it?"
"That Rauru is the chairman and CEO of Cranky Old Geezer Monthly Magazine AND of Senile Old Clod Catalogue of General Youth-Deterring Products!" Ganondorf announced.
"WHAT?! Wow, really?" gasped Saria.
"That's right!" Ganondorf said. "And HE is the one who sold you the defective Evil-O-Matic!"
"WHAAT?!" Zelda gasped. "It was defective? How do you know?"
"Easy," Ganondorf said. "I ordered one myself the first night after you put it on me, and I took it apart to see how it worked so I could maybe figure out how to get it off. I noticed that the one I was wearing was missing a small part that goes here:" He pointed to the main electrical shock components near the spinny thing on top. "The 'doohickey' I believe it was called. Or a 'thingamabob'."
"Aaah," everyone nodded appreciatively.
"I read the instruction manual some more, and it said that the 'doohickey' or 'thingamabob' was used to control the amount of electricity that the machine was allowed to put out when it's on a high setting. But since mine didn't have one, when I yelled the F-word it zapped me with a potentially deadly amount of electricity, thereby creating the 'Goody-Two-Shoes Effect' and turning me into a disgustingly mild-mannered idiot for a month and a half." Ganondorf finished.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Impa cried. "We could have avoided the whole incident!"
"I thought about how Rauru was probably trying to set me up for disaster, and the stupid helmet didn't like that thought, so it forced me to throw the other Evil-O-Matic out of the window into the moat. You never would have believed me!"
"So is THAT why you could tie me to the bed without getting punished? It was defective?" asked Impa.
"I guess so," Ganondorf shrugged.
"Rauru! He set us up!" Zelda growled. "We have to get him for that..."
"But how..." Nabooru pondered.

The group sat in silence for a while. Suddenly, there were signs of stirring from Link.
"He's getting up!" Ruto gasped. "Linky-Poo! Linky-Poo! Are you all right?"
"Oh my goodness!" Link said groggily. "Whatever happened? I suddenly don't feel quite right at all... perhaps a few too many crumpets... Oh dear, oh dear... Ah! Ruto, my good woman! I do believe I did not fulfill my promise to you the other day... I interrupted my payback for your favor... My wrongs must be righted!"
He then grabbed Ruto and gave her a big... LONG kiss. Ruto was blissful.
Everyone else was sickened.
"Oh no... Link was touching the helmet, now he's..." Saria groaned.
"Wait! I've got an idea..." Ganondorf snickered in his usual (wicked) manner.


EPILOGUE: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 2!

"And so, I hereby pardon Ganondorf Dragmire of any and all crimes committed on the date of June 24th, the day of my inauguration party," Zelda said, signing another official pardon.
Ganondorf took the paper proudly, bowed to Zelda, and then sat down at the prosecution bench of the Room of Judgement.
"I now call to the stand Rauru the Sage of Light," Zelda said.
Darunia and Impa dragged Rauru in, kicking and screaming.
"Rauru!" Zelda snapped, eyeing the Sages in the jury box, "You are hereby charged with false imprisonment of Ganondorf Dragmire, and of setting us up for a month and a half of absolute HELL. What have you got to say for yourself?"
"HE DESERVED IT!" Rauru screamed. "YOU DESERVED IT! You cocky young ingrates, leaving me to handle all the crap in the Sacred Realm that YOU should be doing! And making so much noise I can't even sleep! You all deserved it! I'm GLAD he turned nice for a while! Teach all you stupid morons to uphold responsibility! Sages should not be allowed to leave the Realm! It's the old way, and that's how it should stay!"
"Mr. Rauru, I realize it is very rare for a judge to editorialize like this, but I think you're a worn-out senile creepy old fart who needs to get with it." Zelda said.
Nabooru, the lead juror stood up. "Your honor, the jury feels we don't need to hear anymore from the defendant. We declare him guilty on all counts."
"WHAT!? But I don't even have a lawyer! You can't throw me in jail unless I have a lawyer to make it a fair fight!"
"Mr. Rauru, PLEASE. Where do you think we are, the United STATES?" Zelda chuckled.
"And you can't throw me in jail! You're not a jailer!"
"Not THIS again..." Impa groaned.
"I AM the jailer Rauru, and I'm also the executioner, the judge, the princess, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker AND the interior decorator. Now get your hairy old butt back to the Sacred Realm for your punishment."
"What... what's my punishment?" asked Rauru worriedly.
"Oh, nothing TOO bad," Ganondorf said, placing an Evil-O-Matic on Rauru's head.
"WHAT!?" Rauru shrieked. "NO! NOT THAT!"
Then Ganondorf removed the "doohickey"/"thingamabob" from the top of the helmet. "Have a good time with your new friend!"
"What... what new friend?"
"Rauru, I sentence you to four months in the Sacred Realm with a defective Evil-O-Matic and with the monster you and your defective helmets have created!" Zelda cried, snapping her fingers.
Link jumped out from behind the judge's podium, wearing a brightly colored apron, carrying a vacuum cleaner, and carrying a bunch of very sophisticated classic works of literature. "Why hello there, roommate! I do say, we'll have a splendid time in our four months together! The dear princess has assured me if I stay with you for these four months, they'll fix my brain! But we'll have such a jolly good time! Do you like Scrabble?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rauru shrieked in terror. "NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Ganondorf smiled blissfully, and turned to Impa next to him. "Ain't democracy FUN?"
"It certainly is, Ganondorf. It certainly is..."
"Wanna date next Friday?"
"No."
"Aww..."

:::::: THE END ::::::