Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Nine: The Grand Finale ( Chapter 29 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! – The Cheesy Zelda Musical!
Defiantly written by Galaxy Girl!

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-NINE: And In The End… -OR- The Grand Finale –OR- ‘Till The Next Game! –OR- Scriptfics are GOOD FOR YOU! –OR- Too Many Titles!

In this scene…

Adult Link, the Hero of Time!
Young Link, the Small Hero of Time!
Navi, the Fairy!
Adult Zelda, the Princess!
Young Zelda, who has green eyebrows!
Rauru, the Light Sage!
Saria, the Forest Sage!
Darunia, the Fire Sage!
Ruto, the Water Sage!
Impa, the Shadow Sage!
Nabooru, the Spirit Sage!
Epona, the Horse!
A whole buttload of random side characters!
… EVERYBODY.

A/N: So, this chapter is not available for viewing at FF.N. That’s because this story was reported by a troll who shall remain nameless. I could just give you his name and you could kill him with flames, but that would be infantile and stupid and it’s not like it would help anything. Not like he actually has any fics, the little puss. … ahem. ^__^;;

Ahem. Anyway, since you’ve obviously found me over here, thank you very much for sticking with me even after the chaotic move! ^_^ The rest of H,O will be posted here on MediaMiner, as well as on NEMO when it finally gets rolling. Also, for a special bonus for you guys who followed me here, I’ll have a nice downloadable surprise for you next time.

Here goes nothing. An ultra-large thank you for all the nice emails I’ve been getting and for anybody who has actually had the strength to read this entire stupid fanfiction from beginning to end. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

(Scene: Mystical Floaty Cloud World. After floating around through darkness for a good month and a half back there while I was trying to finish this chapter, Link, Navi and Zelda have arrived in a strange, drug-induced land that appears to be up in the clouds. No floor, no walls, no ground, just clouds. *PUFF*.)

[Happy, fluffy pretty music plays as our three heroes settle down in Mystical Floaty Cloud World, and Zelda warms up her voice for the beginning of the big musical finale-ish chapter.]

Zelda: [to the tune of Her Own Lullaby]
Hero of Time…
Hero of mine…
Everything is fine…
Ganon’s gone…
I’m kidnapped no longer
And now we’re in the sky…

[A spotlight shines on Zelda, making the sheer brightness of this scene too much for Link, who is squinting already]

Zelda: [holds out her arms and really belts it out]
It seems that finally
The day of destiny-

Chorus Singers: [swell up in the background]
DEEEESTIIIIINYYYYYY!

Zelda:
Has returned everything back right!
[much less showy, the spotlight has faded]
But it’s true
It’s all thanks to you
Link, chosen divine…
Without you
I’d never see it through
Peaceful dream of mine!

[Once again, an ultra-fluorescently bright spotlight of retinal-burning pain lights up and the chorus singers rise up from behind Zelda in congregational robes, church-style backing her up.]

Zelda and Chorus:
THREE STONES AND SAGES SIX!
HUMOR AND SONGS WERE MIXED!
NOW YOU ARE WRAPPING UP THE FIIIIIGHT!
YOUR STARDOM IS LEGENDARY!
IN MANY MORE GAMES YOU’LL BE!
BUT ONLY ON NINTENDO CONSOLES BECAUSE JUST THINK BACK HAVE THEY EVER LOANED OUT THEIR RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS?!

[The risers drop back below the stage with the chorus singers still on them, with a crash and a lot of screaming. The light tones down again and Zelda completes the opening song.]

Zelda:
Thank you Link
You’ve made me
The happiest princess… aliiiive…

[Soft piano chords close out the song.]

Zelda: [smiling softly] Link… thanks to you, the Evil King Ganondorf has been sealed away deep in the Sacred Realm, never to return until the next time people bitch about getting a new Zelda game and the writers at Nintendo find another brilliant but incredibly lame way of busting him out.

Navi: Gotta hand it to those lame writers, though. They’ve managed it at LEAST six times!

Zelda: The Six Sages have been awakened, the temples freed, the fanboys satisfied and thus peace will reign in Hyrule… until the next person thinks of some very generic way to get the world in trouble and writes a fanfiction about it.

Navi: Well, that won’t be long…

Link: [blinking oddly] I have eye floaters like you wouldn’t BELIEVE.

Zelda: … Have you even heard a single word that I’ve said?

Link: Something about fanfiction?

Zelda: … Meh, close enough. In any case, Link… you have truly come of age as the Hero of Time… and I want to thank you.

Link: [eyes sparkle triumphantly] Thank you Zelda… [clears throat and triumphant music plays as he begins a monologue] Ever since this musical began… I’ve been striving towards a goal… The goal of being somebody… Link Somebody! And as I’ve already reiterated multiple times… At last, my goal is-

[The music suddenly fades as Zelda holds out her hand]

Link: … Whuh?

Zelda: Ahem.

Link: … I don’t owe you money!

Zelda: Not money. The Ocarina of Time.

Link: [deep inhaling gasp] GAAAASP! NEVER! [clutches it to his chest like it’s his child]

Zelda: Oh, come on, give it up, twerp!

Link: MINE MINE MINE!

Zelda: No, it’s MINE!

Link: [inhales deep breath then lets out a long, whining moan] WHY I GOTTA GIVE IT BACK NOW?! I’M THE HERO OF TIIIIIII-YUUUUUM!

Zelda: [crosses arms matter-of-factly] I need it back because with it, I can return you to your original time, where you are supposed to be, the way you are supposed to be.

Link: … [blink blink] Huh?

Zelda: I need the Ocarina of Time, Link. Because when peace returns to Hyrule, it will be time for us to say goodbye.

Navi: You mean…

Link: SHSHHH! [hushes Navi and Zelda] Screw that, what do you mean “the way I am supposed to be”?

Zelda: [cocks eyebrows] Link, you’re ten years old. You should NOT have a buff teenage body like that.

Link: [panicked face] YOU WANT TO TAKE MY GORGEOUS BISHORIFFIC BODY AWAY?!

Zelda: Well no, I just… [wiggling fingers nervously] … Yes.

Link: NEVER!

Navi: Come on, Link… you were the one singing all the angsty songs about how you wanted to be a kid again. Now you get the chance and you say no?

Link: I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THE BENEFITS BEFORE! [feeling himself up] I NEVER KNEW WHAT ROCK HARD ABS AND GORGEOUS EYES COULD DO FOR YOU IN THE DEPARTMENT OF WOMEN!

Navi: … And what exactly DID they do for you in the department of women?

Link: Check out my harem! [points at the computer screen, fangirls across the world scream wildly]

Zelda: Well, irregardless… It’s time for it to go bye-bye.

Link: “Irregardless” isn’t a word.

Zelda: … wha?

Link: You mean “Regardless”.

Zelda: Oh who cares?

Link: I don’t think the Ocarina of Time should be in the hands of someone without the slightest grasp of the English language.

Zelda: THIS GAME WAS MADE IN JAPAN, LINK!

Link: Wull STILL.

Navi: [rolls eyes] Just give her the damn ocarina, Link.

Link: BU-B-BU- NO, YOU SEE-

[Slow piano chords start up, as Link begins weakly trying to defend his new buff body against the evils of Zelda trying to make the world right again, to “Suddenly Seymour” from Little Shop of Horrors]

Link:
Lift up your head!
Check out my pectorals! [flexes]
Look at my hair swoosh! [tosses his hair model-style]
Glance at my physique!
Why would you ever
Trade in this sex temple
For my “real life” body
So scrawny and weak?

[Thundering piano chords as the sky darkens and Link belts it out]

Link:
MY PUBESCENT BODY!
So sexy and sculpted!
With these pecs and these buns
I did save the world!
I’M SUCH A HOTTIE!
Nobody consulted
I don’t want my old one!
It doesn’t get girls!

Zelda: [hangs her head ashamedly slowly stepping towards Link with her hands out]
I admit, you’re gorgeous
I do want your ass, bad
You did save the world and
Avenged my poor dad
But space-time continuum
Just wouldn’t take kindly
To me letting you run
Away with those abs!

YOUR PUBESCENT BODY!
Just can’t stick around here!
It’s got to go back now!
To wherever it came!
I FEEL SO GUILTY!
But even more I fear
I’m sorry, but that’s how
I must end the game!

Link: [doing a kinda sorta sexy vamp walk in an attempt to seduce Zelda]
You know that feeling
Could last forever
Just lay off the clay thing
And keep me this way

Zelda:
Please understand that
It’s not that it’s my fault
But it says in the script
I must make things okay!

[The piano chords really pick up. Navi looks bored in the background.]

Zelda:
YOUR PUBESCENT BODY!

Link: My pubescent body!

Zelda:
Just can’t stick around here!

Link: Why not, it’s so sexy?

Zelda:
It’s got to go back now!

Link: Who says it must go back?

Zelda:
To wherever it came!

Both:
IT’S SCULPTED AND GORGEOUS…
BUT ISN’T THE RIGHT ONE…

Link:
We can compromise, here!

Zelda: We can’t compromise here…

Link:
Come on, let’s make a deal…

Zelda: We can’t argue with it…

Link:
JUST GIVE ME AN HOUR!

Zelda: [simultaneous with Link]
OFF WITH IT MAAAAAAN!

Link:
I LOOK LIKE A MAAAAAAN!

[As the song fades out into slow piano chords, Zelda crosses her arms in frustration.]

Zelda: Oh for the LOVE of the GODDESSES. Can you please, just for once, act like the hero everybody thinks you are?

Link: NO!

Zelda: I’ll give you candy!

Link: … [frowns] What KIND of candy?

Zelda: Um… [digs in pockets] … I’ve got a piece of lint that might taste good.

Link: NO DICE.

Navi: [points behind Link] OH MY GOD, LOOK! IT’S THE PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH!

Link: WHERE?! [whirls around]

[As he spins to see the pretend Playmate, Navi shoves him in the shoulder and he pitches backwards, falling through a convenient hole in the clouds and dropping the Ocarina. It goes flying through the air and lands in Zelda’s outstretched hands.]

Zelda: [clutches Ocarina and looks all dramatic] When peace returns to Hyrule…

Link: [falling below the clouds] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEIEEEEGGGGHHH!

Zelda: … [tears up] It will be time for us to say goodbye…

Navi: Think you ought to hurry it up there before he hits the ground?

Zelda: You people do not know a thing about drama.

[Zelda plays her own lullaby and a blue light shines across the stage. The Ocarina notes fade into piano chords again, and Link slowly rises up from below the clouds, gazing at his hands and then glaring at Zelda as Navi flies up to join him.]

Zelda: Goodbye, Link! [sniffles and lowers the Ocarina]

Link: BITCH.

[Ignoring his insult, Zelda begins another song that will nicely transport us into this chapter’s HUGE-ASS FINALE MEDLEY. It’s “Bright Lights” by Matchbox 20!]

Zelda: [singing softly]
Heading rather fast…
Through a portal to the past
You’re giving up your fame
To be a child again, things the same
Now that things in this world again make sense
It’s time to repay you for the workings of fate…

[The piano chords pick up and are joined with a drum line in anticipation for THE DRAMA quickly approaching. Link closes his eyes as he’s swept up into the ceiling and offstage. The lights lower and Zelda really belts it out]

Zelda:
So Link, the Hero of Time
Now that your duty’s done, now you’ve saved me
From all the evil darkness in this world
Link, the Hero of Time
Though I’d never lie, I’d love to keep you
But now the blue light must receive you
And you can regain your real form and go on home…

[Mystical Floaty Cloud World and Adult!Zelda vanish into thin air and suddenly, with the help of his newly-hired wire team (take that, person who asked last chapter), is flying across the sparkling stage, engulfed in a blue light like a comet. The song picks up along with him, piano, guitar, rock stuff… you know.]

Link: [singing in protest as he flies across the stage and out across the audience]
But being old’s so sweet now!
I’ve got some scars I can brag about
So many cute girls chasing me
I really love being a hot teen…

[Navi flutters along behind him, singing her own part]

Navi:
But in our own home world, well, that don’t make sense
And some things you don’t love until they leave you…
Then they’re things that you miss, and hey-

Chorus and Navi:
Link, the Hero of Time!
Now that your job is done, now you’ve saved things
From all the evil darkness in this world!

Link: [singing along with the piano lines]
I got to wait
I can’t fight fate!

Chorus and Navi:
Evil tried and tried but couldn’t find a thing that could defeat you
Now that the blue light has received you
You get to get back your old body and go home!

[As the song hits its best part in the middle, Link is once again over the stage. His body is sparkling (or maybe that’s just the glitter lotion he’s been inconspicuously rubbing all over himself since the song began) and beautiful blue drama lights are shining all over the audience and stage, which is otherwise dark.]

Link: [yelling rock and roll style]
AND THE PORTAL TOOK ME IN!

Chorus and Navi:
YOU’RE GOING HOME!

Link:
AND WHEN THE PORTAL SPITS ME OUT!

Chorus and Navi:
YOU’LL BE AT HOME!

Link:
AND THIS HOT BODY’LL BE SHRUNK DOOOOWN!

[Brief guitar solo. Link looks around suspiciously, then eyes the beautiful lights around him.]

Link: …
FOR GOD’S SAKES, TURN AROUND!!

[Though he tries to struggle against the light, there’s no stopping it. Finally sighing in resignation, Link decides to finish his last musical number as an adult with some panache. He waves his arms around artfully as he swings on his wire and slowly begins to descend to a trap door opened up in the stage. Meanwhile, Navi riffs out a sweet guitar solo on a tiny electric guitar.]

Chorus and Navi:
Link, the Hero of Time
Now that your job is done, now you’ve saved things
From all the evil darkness in this world!

Link: [singing along with the piano]
I guess this is
What I need to do, whoa-oh, HOOOOO…

Chorus and Navi:
Evil tried and tried but couldn’t find a thing that could defeat you
Now that the blue light has received you, yeah…

[Link takes one last spin around the stage, doing his best to ham it up on the wire]

Chorus and Navi:
YOU GET BACK YOUR BODY AND GO ON HOME!

Link: [singing vaguely with the best of his ability]
See you backstage, ladies I’m takin’ my leave from this here production!

Chorus and Navi:
YEAH, GO ON HOME!

Link:
Autographs are free if you can first give me a little sugar, ladies!

Chorus and Navi:
GO ON HOME!

Link:
I hope I get paid well for this… My agent said it’d be a big risk…

Chorus and Navi:
GO ON HOME!

Link: [sinking down, almost through the trap door, waves at the audience one more time]
PEOPLE IN THE CHEAP SEATS, CLAP YOUR HANDS! THE REST OF YOU, RATTLE YOUR JEWELRY!

Chorus and Navi:
GO ON HOME!

Navi: [as the song begins to fade out into piano chords again] See you in a bit, people! [disappears down into the trap door with Link.]

[Unfortunately, you may remember that Link was wearing a wire when he descended. The trap door closes around this wire, and we can hear echoing, grunting noises before a stage hand runs out and cuts the wire. Damn. Bad luck with wiring on this show.]

[As the piano chords continue, they transform slowly into the OoT ending credits song. You know, the really pretty remix of Zelda’s Lullaby? We see various locales of Hyrule.

(A/N: I don’t care if they’re out of order. GET A LIFE, NEEERRD!! … I’m a hypocrite, aren’t I?)

The newly repaired bridge in Gerudo Valley (where Link learned that seatbelts are always good), just as a frightening owl-demon is hit by a low-flying Cessna…

An empty, panning shot of the Gerudo Fortress (where chocolate pudding once filled the halls), silent except for somebody’s alarm clock CD-player set to go off to “Jellicle Cats”…

The quiet little burg of Kakariko (where a quartet of carpenters once caused a lad’s ears to bleed), with shiny and newly-installed fire alarms on every building…

The sweeping Death Mountain Trail (where Link learned that walking uphill is harder than it looks), where a forgetful Goron has forgotten that he dribbled chocolate sauce all over a few of the rocks…

Darunia’s Room in Goron City (where Link witnessed the most frightening sight in video game history), littered with rocks and a well-worn VHS box for Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”…

A beautiful shot of the Lost Woods (where Link slaughtered Moblins a’plenty once upon a time), where a cute little Skull Kid is lighting another cute little Skull Kid’s hair on fire while said cute little Skull Kid is moping (wonder who THAT could be!)…

A sweep across Kokiri Forest (where Link first met his best pal Navi), and a brief view of a pile of charred remains where a pile of stuff once sat in the center of the village…

A quick shot of Lake Hylia (where the little fish named Hymie first came into our hearts), sparkling in the early morning sunlight…

A view of King Zora’s throne (where Link grew his first facial hair), where an indignant and regurgitated Queen Zora is packing her bags…

And finally, a beautiful landscape of Hyrule Field (where Link encountered the singing rabbits), where a familiar horse is running as fast as she can to get to a certain rockin’ party at a certain ranch…

WHERE WE FADE IN.]

[My GOD! It’s a regular FIESTA here! Every single NPC from the game (except a few and we’ll get to that) has gathered around a huge flaming bonfire for a party, celebrating the end of the musical and the end?? Of that nasty Evil King Ganondorf. This place is a regular Happy Camp of happy people, who will now perform for your pleasure a whole bunch of songs, a lot you’ve probably never heard, about getting down with your bad self, dancing, and celebrating.]

[The piano chords from the song are fading into a very gentle song by REM entitled “Shiny Happy People” as the villagers and everyone dance together, preparing one hell of a musical number.]

Biggoron: HEY!

[The people gather in a circle and join hands, dancing around a group of singing characters in the middle.]

Bomb Shop Guy: [cuddles a few people]
Meet me in the crowd!

All:
PEOPLE! PEOPLE!

Perverted Poe Guy: [hissing as he dances, sounding quite dirty]
Throw your love around!

All:
LOVE ME! LOVE ME!

Anju the Chicken Lady: [cradling a few chickens]
Evil’s out of town!

All:
HAPPY! HAPPY!

Kokiri Shopkeeper: [skids out on his knees between Anju’s legs]
We are all so proud
Now the party’s on!

All: [waving their hands over their heads]
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH…

Aveil: [shouting through a megaphone as she leads a group of Gerudo]
Our king’s dead, but that’s fiiiiiiiii-iy-iyne!

[The Gerudo perform a very hot dance routine and they clap as the chorus plays]

All:
SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS!

Giant Bazaar Man: [in a lovely soprano]
Shiny happy people holding HAAAAA-AAAAAAANDS!

All:
SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE LAUGHING!

[Through the guitar chords come what sounds like a church organ and clapping as a gang of Gorons and Zora break in with their own interlude to the happy song, “It’s All Too Much” by The Beatles. WOOWOO! The Hylians and Gerudos clap along and do a dance as they sing]

Zora Chorus:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH!

Goron Chorus:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH!

Zora Soloist:
When we look back on the past…
It really was quite bleeeeeeak

Goron Soloist:
But now the clouds have up and left
In what seemed like a weeeeeek

Zora and Gorons:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH FOR US TO TAKE
THE HIPPIE PARTY ALL AROUND US!
THE LOVE THAT’S GROWING, WE DID MAKE
WITH HOPE AND PEACE, IT’S ALL TOO MUUUCH!

[The two choruses converge into one massive marching-band-esque performance with waving flags and hand clapping]

Hylian Soloist:
Floating down the stream of time
Our hero sailed to victoryyy-yyy!

Gerudo Chorus:
And though we seemed to like the guy
We’re glad Ganon is Resting in P!

Hylians and Gerudos:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH FOR US TO TAKE
THE EPICNESS OF THIS WHOLE STORY!
WHIP OUT CHAMPAGNE, WHIP OUT THE CAKE
IT’S TIME TO PARTY WAY TOO MUCH!

[Trumpeters blast a melody in the background as the dance party continues with lots of drinking, making merry, and… stuff.]

Goron Soloist:
Tell your daughter, tell your son…

Zora Soloist:
Tell everyone we’re freeeeeeee

Hylian Soloist:
And though it means the story’s done…

Gerudo Soloist: [checking her schedule book and Palm Pilot]
My agent says it’s good for me!

All:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH FOR US TO TAKE
THIS PIXELLATED SUPER HAPPY!
AND THOUGH OUR JOY IS REALLY FAKE
WE HOPE YOU’LL PARTY WAY TOO MUCH!
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH FOR US TO TAKE
THE PRIDE THAT’S SWELLING UP INSIDE YOU!
HOPE YOU KNOW IT’S NOT A HARD GAME
SO DON’T GET COCKY, NOT TOO MUCH!
IT’S TOOOOO MUCH!
IT’S TOOOOO MUCH!

[As the chords of the song fade out, one more can be heard fading in behind it as one NPC steps out into the center of the celebrating circle, wearing a beret and sucking on a lollipop. Why look, it’s a cute little Kokiri kid! Wait… OH GOD, IT’S CRAZY SUSIE FROM KOKIRI FOREST! AIIEK!! She steps to the center of the circle, wielding a hacksaw and a microphone for her big solo number.]

Crazy Susie: Hello.

All: AGGGH!

Crazy Susie: I have come here to this party. Though I don’t like parties. I have come because I was given the task of reading this [holds up a slip of paper] to you. It’s a disclaimer. The disclaimer would be up top, but the author thought it would work better in song format. So you’ll hear it from me… or else.

All: [paying attention immediately]

Crazy Susie: This is a word of warning for anybody who thinks they might know about the story and characters of Ocarina of Time a little better than the author… Follow this advice… Or I’ll find you.

[The next song is fading in as she speaks. She rocks back and forth with the hacksaw and sings to Queen’s “Play The Game”. Ah, Queen. How I missed thee.]

Crazy Susie:
“Zelda musical?” you thought, and clicked inside
Thanks for giving this big piece of crap a try—

All:
BUT IT’S SO EEEEAAAASYYY…

Crazy Susie:
To bitch about the script, and—

All:
IT’S SO EEEEASSSYYY…

Crazy Susie: [eyes going bloodshot, screaming hysterically]
WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR PURIST WANK!

All:
GO PLAY THE GAME!
ALL YOU PURISTS, PLAY THE GAAAAME!

Crazy Susie: [giggling horrifically]
And shut up! Oooooooh, yeah!

[Someone plays a sweet guitar solo as Susie prepares her next verse.]

Crazy Susie:
When your self-esteem and your self-liking is low!
You may feel like writing a flame to show what you know

All:
BUT WE DOOOOOON’T CARE…

Crazy Susie:
This is GG’s work, so—

All:
WE DOOOOOOON’T CARE…

Crazy Susie: [SHRIEKING again, howling with maniacal laughter afterwards]
Don’t flip a tantrum and be a jerk!

All:
GO PLAY THE GAME!
ALL YOU PURISTS, PLAY THE GAAAAAME!

Crazy Susie:
And SHUT UP! Oooooh, yeah!

[As the song continues, there is a quick shot of GG in her computer room, still wearing her swirly-eyed nerd glasses, still in the dark, STILL mumbling incoherently… but enough to sound like a song]

GG: [singing in a creepy voice]
My magnum opus almost done!

All:
HOPEFULLY READERS LIKE WHERE IT GOES!

GG:
This story has hijacked my brain!

All:
PLAY THE GAME!

GG:
It’s driven me insane!

All:
ALL… YOU… WHI… NERS…
PLAY THE GAME! PLAY THE GAME!
PLAY THE GAME! PLAY THE GAAAAAAME…

[One of the Gorons… HEY! IT’S THE ROCKHEADS! Anyway, he jams out a sweet electric guitar solo again as the cast dances with N64 controllers, twirling the wires and kicking and all that fancy Broadway crap.]

All:
PLAY THE GAME!
WHINY PURISTS, PLAY THE GAAAAAAME!
AND SHUT UP!

GG:
THIS IS MYYYY TAKE!

All:
DON’T BE A PISSY GEEK!

GG:
IT’S A FREEEEEE WORLD!

All:
WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR PURIST WANK!
PLAY THE GAME!
ALL YOU WHINERS, PLAY THE GAAAAAME!
AND SHUT UP!
DON’T LIKE THE JOKES?

GG:
REMOVE STICK FROM ASS!

All and GG:
IT’S A FREE WORLD!
WE DON’T WANNA HEAR IT SO SHUT UP
AND PLAY THE GAME…
WHINY PURISTS PLAY THE GAAAAAME!
AND SHUT UUUP… OOOOOOH, YEAH…

[Oooh, but our big almost the finale scene isn’t over yet. There’s two more songs… one of which we will see… NOW!

As the Queen song fades out, one little NPC is not having such a good time over at the other end of the ranch…]

Random NPC Child: What’sa matter Mr. Goron?

[SQUEEEEEE IT’S LL!! MY FAVORITE!! LL is sitting on the ground in front of the bonfire, tapping his foot and looking in deep thought.]

LL: [shakes head] I was thinking about this ending scene here… how they put all us NPCs here to be celebrating and partying, and how the players can probably identify each of us by name. Or at least, title, like Random NPC Child.

RNPCC: What about it?

LL: It’s just… so different from the usual!! Usually in games, the NPCs are seen once and then forgotten, or killed off in a horrible disaster! I think we’re really lucky to be given special treatment like this.

RNPCC: We are!

[Happy, unusually frightening drums start up in the background as LL goes into a little monologue, slowly pulling on a little boyband outfit.]

LL: This song is in appreciation of the Zelda people! Because without them… not only wouldn’t we exist, but we NPCs would still be unappreciated, soulless, personalityless little chunks of pixels!

[LL suddenly bursts into song, an adorable little soprano edition of…
MMMBop by Hanson. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, this song is completely extraneous. But shut up. It makes my story longer.]

LL: [adorably prancing around]
Ooh!
OOOH-OH-OOOH!
HOOO, OH!
Oh, yeah!

[The rest of the cast gathers around him, marching in a circle and doing different formations… like band, y’know, as LL performs his little number]

LL:
You meet so many characters in this game
Only one or two will last
They went through the trouble to animate us
Then the hero talks and our scene is past!
Oh yeah!

Female NPCS:
OUR SCENE’S GONE SO FAST!

LL:
Yeeaaah!
And so few game designers really care

Male NPCS:
USUALLY THEY MAKE US JUST STAND THERE

LL:
They take all this time to pixellate our hair
Can you tell me why don’t they CAAAARE?

All:
CAN YOU TELL US WHY THEY DON’T CARE?

LL: Ooh, baby! [boy-band dances along to the chorus]

All:
NNNPC!
WE’RE EXTRANEOUS
NOBODY REALLY NEEDS US
SOMETIMES THEY DOOOOO!

LL:
Whoooa-oo-oooh!

All:
NNNPC!
LIKE A TRADING SEQUENCE
OR MAYBE WE’RE FACETIOUS
OR PROVIDE A CLUUUUUE?

LL:
Yeaaaah-ee-yeaaaah!
We’re just NPCs to them!
Ohh-hey!
Yeaaaah-ee-yeaaaah!
Through video game history we’ve rose

All: [pointing at a stack of really, really old video games]
DIDN’T EXIST IN ANY OF THOSE

LL:
Starting in the sequel our small part grows!

All:
IT’S ABOUT TIME MR. MIYAMOOOOOTO!

LL:
Hats off to Shigeru Miyamoto!
Oh, oh!
MIYAMOTOOOO-OOOH-WHOOOA!

All:
NNNPC!
CAN’T GET TO KNOW US
WE’RE LUCKY THAT THEY SHOW US
AND IF THEY DO-

LL:
Whoooa-oo-oooh!

All:
NNNPC!
WE’RE NOT IMPORTANT
WE ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END
NOT OUR FAULT WE DO

LL:
Yeaaaah-ee-yeaaaaah!

All:
NOW THE NPCS ARE SHOWN!

LL:
Now the NPCs are all here!

All:
NOW THE NPCS ARE SHOWN!

LL:
Now the NPCs are AAAAALL HEEEERE!
Yet they pixellate our hair…
Oooh-ooh, But they don’t care!

All:
NNNPC!
WE’RE EXTRANEOUS
NOBODY REALLY NEEDS US
SOMETIMES THEY DOOOOO!

LL:
Whoooa-oo-oooh!

All:
NNNPC!
LIKE A TRADING SEQUENCE
OR MAYBE WE’RE FACETIOUS
OR PROVIDE A CLUUUUUE?

LL:
Eee-yeah-ee!

[The NPCs do an impressive formation dance routine around LL as he sings in all his pre-pubescent Goron glory]

All:
BUT NOW WE’RE MOVING!

LL:
Thanks to Shigeru Miyamoto!

All:
LOOK AT US GROOVING!

LL:
All thanks to Shigeru Miyamoto!

All:
WE’RE IMPORTANT!

LL:
Thanks to Shigeru, at least moreso!

All:
WE GET TO BOOGIE!

LL:
Thanks to that chap Miyamoto!

All:
BUT NOW WE’RE MOVING!

LL:
Thanks to Shigeru Miyamoto!

All:
BUT NOW WE’RE GROOVING!

LL:
We’re getting better Miyamoto…
MIYAMOTOOOO!

All:
MIYAMOTO! MIYAMOTOOO-OO-WHOOA!

LL: ONE MORE TIME GUYS!

All:
NNNPC!
KNOW US!
SHOW US!
DOOOO!

LL:
Sing it louder!

All:
NNNPC!
IMPORTANT!
SHORT END!
DOOOO!

LL: … I LIED, ONE MORE TIME!

All:
NNNPC!
WE’RE EXTRANEOUS
NOBODY REALLY NEEDS US
SOMETIMES THEY DOOOOO!

LL:
Whoooa-oo-oooh!

All:
NNNPC!
LIKE A TRADING SEQUENCE
OR MAYBE WE’RE FACETIOUS
OR PROVIDE A CLUUUUUE?

LL:
Eee-yeah-ee!

All:
NNNPC!
CAN’T GET TO KNOW US
WE’RE LUCKY THAT THEY SHOW US
AND IF THEY DO-

LL:
Whoooa-oo-oooh!

All:
NNNPC!
WE’RE NOT IMPORTANT
WE ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END
NOT OUR FAULT WE DO

LL:
Yeaaaah-ee-yeaaaaah!

All:
WE’RE UP AND COMING!

LL:
Might get our own games, we don’t know!

All:
UP AND COMING!

LL:
You might like us if you got to knoooooow…
Like us if you got to knooooow…
Us.

[But alas, not all the NPCs are celebrating in this happy little mob. Two of them are sitting off by themselves, gorging on sour cream and onion potato chips in their misery. Why, it’s our old pal Mido and his new portly friend King Zora!]

Mido: [yelling obnoxiously at the other NPCs] AN’ WHAT’RE YOU ALL SO HAPPY ABOUT?

King Zora: Ruto! I ag-Ruto-ree! HOW CAN YOU RUTO ALL BE CELEBR-Ruto-RATING WHEN… WHEN… WHEN MY BELOVED RUTO…

Mido: And my dear sweet Saria…

Both: HAVE VANISHED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET?!

[Sad, depressing doo-wop style piano music starts up as Zora and Mido lament.]

Mido: Oh, Saria… It was just a normal day… We were all being mobbed and massacred by plants and horrible forest monsters spawned by the Evil King… And I was doing my duty of hiding from the monsters in the Lost Woods under the guise that I was watching for something!
[begins singing]
And all of a sudden this dude dressed in green
With the stupidest hairdo I ever had seen
He came out from a log and he played me a song
That I’d heard my Saria play all the day long
So I let the punk by and an hour or so passed
And the monsters had vanished away very fast
So I ran to the temple my girl for to see!
And alas…
She was gone…
My sweet dear…
My Sari…
A target…
A victim…
An innocent thing…
In the plot…
In the scheme…
Of the fellow… in green!

[Dramatic tango-esque music starts up in the background. Mido stands up and belts out a chorus, doing a swell little dance number.]

Chorus:
AAAAAHHHH…

Mido:
Oh, that man all in green!
Yes, the man who wore green!
Bore a sword and a shield
And a mask, his true nature unseen!

Chorus:
BAT DAT DA!

Mido: [really belting it out]
Yes, the man all in green!
HE WAS A MAN WHO WORE GREEN!
You folks say that man was the Hero of Time
And he saved all our butts, insert a word that rhymes!
But with Din as my witness he’ll pay for his crimes!
My Sari…

Chorus:
WAAAAAAA-AAAAAAH-AH!

Mido:
TAKEN BY THAT MAN IN GREEN!

[The tango beat fades back into a piano and King Zora picks up, mercifully rid of his speech impediment for my own sake.]

King Zora: So there I was! Sitting in my throne, as usual, water cascading down my gigantic butt, contemplating what I’d eat for my next meal, when all of a sudden there came this flash! A flash of red, evil light!! Suddenly, my entire domain was frozen into a huge block of ice…
[singing now]
And when I awoke, unfrozen from my own ice
A lad dressed in green, and his tights sure looked nice
He requested a tunic, so of course I complied
But knowing his motives I would have denied
He was off to the Water Temple at the lake
At least a couple hours he did seem to take
And the next thing I knew, I was waiting at home!
But alas…
My daughter…
Ruto, sweet
My little gnome
A target…
A victim…
An innocent thing…
In the dark…
Twisted plot…
Of that fellow… in green!

[Here comes the tango again. But of course, King Zora can’t walk, much less dance… in fact, how the hell did he get here? Anyway, he sways back in forth.]

[Dramatic tango-esque music starts up in the background. Mido stands up and belts out a chorus, doing a swell little dance number.]

Chorus:
AAAAAHHHH…

King Zora:
Oh, that man all in green!
Yes, the man who wore green!
Bore a sword and a shield
And a mask, his true nature unseen!

Chorus:
BAT DAT DA!

King Zora: [really belting it out]
Yes, the man all in green!
HE WAS A MAN WHO WORE GREEN!
You folks say that man was the Hero of Time
And he saved all our butts, insert a word that rhymes!
But with Din as my witness he’ll pay for his crimes!
Ruto, sweet!

Chorus:
WAAAAAAA-AAAAAAH-AH!

King Zora:
TAKEN BY THE MAN IN GREEN!

[The tango fades out again back into the depressing piano music.]

Mido: How am I ever to go on…

King Zora: I can’t Ruto live another-Ruto second!

Mido: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

King Zora: IT’S HOPERUTOLESS!

Mido: I’M GOING HOME TO CRY AND WATCH “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE”!

King Zora: I’M GOING TO EAT ICE CREAM UNTIL I BURST AT THE SEAMS!

[But suddenly, green and blue sparkles in front of them in addition to the sweet piano notes distract Mido and King Zora from their pity party. They both look up confusingly in time to see a pair of lights, one blue, and one green moving through the sky.]

Mido: … HOLY CRAP WHAT’S IN THAT FIREWOOD? I’M GETTING HIGH!

King Zora: … IT MUST BE THE LEGENDARY RETURN OF THE GREAT LORD HYMI-

[No, actually it’s Saria and Ruto in shiny Sage form. They begin a sweet song that will take us out of this section of the finale. It’s “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera!]

Saria: [sweet voice]
Think of us…
Think of us fondly
Though we say goodbye…

Ruto:
Remember us…
Once in a while
Please promise me you’ll try!

Saria and Ruto: [together, as they appear on wires in their balls of glowing light]
Though we were vague
When somebody did say
We’d have to stay out of this world!

Saria:
We’ll probably be back

Ruto:
But ‘till then remember… your girls.

[A dramatic orchestration fills the stage and three more colored lights cross the stage along with the blue and green lights. Why, it’s the Sages, traveling… SOMEWHERE!]

Mido: THE LIGHT!

King Zora: Look every-Ruto-one! It’s beautiful!

All: AWWWWWWE! [glance at the sky in awe]

Sages: [all together]
WE NEVER SAID
OUR TASK WAS PERMANENT
BUT THAT’S THE WAY YOU’RE ALL ACTING!
BUT FOR PURPOSES OF DRAMA
STOP AND THINK OF WE…

[The NPCs clear the stage and the stagecrew works to set up the Death Mountain scene. Or I guess if this is on video, we see the lights heading towards Death Mountain in the distance. I was pretty vague about whether or not this fic took place on video or in a theater, wasn’t I?]

Sages:
Think of all of the songs and all our scenes
And think about the laughs we tried to bring!

Impa: [appears in her Sage light]
Think of us
Think of us leaving
Then refuse to cry!

Nabooru: [ditto]
Think of us
Think of us and all
That we sacrificed!

Impa and Nabooru:
We never said
This gig would never end
Through all the chapters we did do…

Impa:
So act like we’re really leaving

Nabooru: [sounds awkward]
Though… it… just… ain’t… TRUUUUUUUUUE!

[Meanwhile, Rauru runs along behind them, too fat to hover anymore]

Rauru:
Can it be!?
Did they forget me?!
DAMMIT!
[huffs and puffs along]
An outrage!
I can’t believe they did
Not even try to wire me!
Well, screw you all!
Because I just won a Tony! [whips out his Tony Award for Best Super Supporting One Scene Followed By Voice Overs Unimportant But Important Character and kisses it, before running back offstage]

[On top of Death Mountain, the Sage all appear, gazing out into the sunrise with big, triumphant smiles on their faces. Darunia pounds his chest, Saria sits on his shoulders, Nabooru and Ruto grin at each other, and Impa stands off to the side. Why is she standing off to the side? Well, that’s a completely different story. It’s called “Never My Destiny” and it, as well as many other fine fanfictions, can be found under my profile.]

Darunia: [taking us out in style!]
We never said this stint’s undeviating
We just said that it was neat!
So for the time being
It’s fine for you to think…
[operatic. Like, soprano. Like, extremely opera.]
AAAAAH-AAH-AHHHH-AAAAHH…
AAAAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH-AAAH-AAAAAH…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
OOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOF!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[And with that, the audience bursts into riotous applause for our five favorite Sages and that fat guy down there with the Tony award. There is a flash of amazing light effects across the stage, and then it all goes dark! WELL! Good NPC Party Finale Musical Number! Good job, me. I’m getting a snack]

[Okay, back.]

(Scene: Inside the Temple of Time. Presumably. The only light onstage is a blue pillar shining down on the Pedestal of Time, where a young Link is slowly floating down to join the Master Sword, already stuck in the stone. Navi floats down after him.]

Link: [lands, blinking confusedly and shaking his head] … That was a RUSH! JEEZ… Next time I go through puberty, it’d better be permanent. I don’t think I can handle another round of… [shivers] Well… Navi, have you ever gotten horny BACKWARDS?

Navi: [gazing at the window in the back, being unusually quiet for her]

Link: [looks at his hands] I guess it’s over… I’ve fulfilled my duties as Hero of Time, I’ve come back to my own body in my own time, and I’ve finally… become somebody.

Navi: [still gazing quietly out the window]

Link: [yawns, and checks his watch] Well! If I leave for home now, I might get there in time to watch Arrested Development. Come on, Nav… Let’s hike it to the forest!

[Quiet piano music fades in and Navi starts to sing under her breath. I’ve written another of those useful dual-usage songs! If you’ve seen Full Metal Alchemist, this is the song “Brothers” that plays… all the time. If not, this is a generic ballad! But really, go download that song. Now.]

Navi: [smiles]
Link, we’ve had our fun, it’s been so grand
Always slacking off, I held your hand!
Remember the time you tried to stand
On hoverboots of gold?

Link: [grins] Yeah, that was SWEET!

Navi:
Remember the time your fish was eaten
And you dwelled on it obsessively?
And the time you had a big nosebleed
From seeing cleavage de Gerudo?

Link: [nods] Good times, good times.

Navi and Chorus:
Now, for no reason I can name
I take my leave from this videogame
I’ve been your fairy oh-so-long
And all I leave you’s a song!

Navi: [showing off her vocal prowess]
Link, don’t take it personally!
I’d stay if it weren’t for the thing
In my contract that gives me three mil
If I leave, and inspire a sequel!

Link: [eyes wide open in shock as an instrumental plays] What?! Navi… You can’t leave! You’re… you’re my best friend! My best friend in the whole world?

Navi: What about Saria?

Link: Screw Saria!! SCREW HER!
[singing]
I love the way you nosebleed on me
And how you would always yell and shriek
When I acted dumb immaturely
You were like a mother to me!

Navi: [sniffles] Awww, Link…

Link:
There must be a way I’ll make you stay
I’ll give you three million bucks someday
Just don’t let it end, my dearest friend
Someday we’ll adventure again!

Link and Chorus:
Navi, is there a thing to say
To convince you that you should stay?
Don’t exit window, turn away
Or promise I’ll see you someday!

Navi:
Adventures we’ve had, it’s true!
And over others, it’s you!
My favorite charge, my boo…
[pause] … What does that mean, anyhoo?

[Dramatic chorus swells as Navi heads for the window]

Navi and Chorus:
A promise, my friend, it’s a deal!
The man that I loved wasn’t real!
I’ll find him one day and then
Return to you, Link, my friend!

[Soft piano chords close out the song, as Navi flies down and kisses Link on the cheek.]

Link: [gasp]

Navi: I’ll be back someday, Link. Somebody’s got to keep your horny ass in line.

Link: [tearing up] NAVI…

Navi: There, there, Link… I promise, I’ll return!

Link: YOU STOLE MY VIRGIN KISS.

Navi: … Did I?

Link: YES.

Navi: … I FEEL DIRTY.

Link: … [eyebrows rise] Well… here’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

Navi: … what?

Link: Navi… you sure you wanna go? After all… in about 7 years… I’ll be a real filly between the sheets.

Navi: … [EYES BUG OUT] OH MY GOD, ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME?!

Link: You must have sensed all this tension between us through all these adventures.

[Suddenly, a huge white hand appears in midair and gives Link a whack upside the head he soon won’t forget. He goes flying up and then crashing back down in a faceplant on the ground as Navi explodes]

Navi: NOW LISTEN HEAR, LINK SOMEBODY!! THERE HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY NO INDICATION WHATSOEVER THAT I, YOUR FRIEND AND GUARDIAN FAIRY, HAVE EVER, EVER BEEN ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN YOU! WE ARE FRIENDS AND PARTNERS AND WE SHALL REMAIN THAT WAY! NEITHER OF US HAVE GIVEN EVEN THE SLIGHTEST INKLING NOR HINT THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN US, AND THE FIRST TIME I HEAR OTHERWISE FROM YOU OR FROM ANYBODY IN THE FANDOM FOR ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME, THERE IS GOING TO BE HELL TO PAY! YOU HEAR ME?!

Link: [murmuring] Yes ma’am!

Navi: Good! [gazes back at the window] … Where… um… where was I? Oh yeah. The advice. NOW you remember what I say, Link! You remember every piece of advice I ever gave you, y’hear!?

Link: [sits up] Yes ma’am!

Navi: “Unless you wish to become meat!-”

Link: “- Look both ways, then cross the street!”

Navi: “One surefire way to rub a girl wrong:”

Link: “Ask if she’s wearing a thong!”

Navi: “When your nose begins to bleed:”

Link: “Pinch the top and count to three!”

Navi: “When do you use Clorox Bleach?”

Link: “Only on whites, son of a beetch!”

Navi: “And when in prison, hold this hope:”

Link: “DON’T EVER PICK UP THE SOAP!”

Navi: [pats Link on the shoulder] I’ve taught you well.

Link: [sniffles] Goodbye, Navi!

Navi: [sniffles]
Goodbye Link…
Though you face a daunting task
Of trying not to cry…
Just remember how our friendship stood
When you get stuck chasing Majora’s Mask!

Link: … Whuh?

Navi: Nothing!

[An exceptionally dramatic orchestration blasts as Navi flutters towards the window and out, away into the world to… do whatever it is fairies do when they’re not guarding weird Kokiri kids. Then again, I hope Navi isn’t shoved inside a bottle and used to heal a dying guy. That would suck for her. Well, that’s not what really happens in MY version. You will see what fate awaits Navi eventually. ^_^ Gee, I’m a little sad. Navi was my favorite character… Goodnight, sweet Navi! May flights of angels sing thee to thy… vacation!]

[Left alone in the temple, Link watches Navi go, then glances at the sword in the Pedestal of Time. He gives a grim smile, pats it a few times and gazes into the horizon. He steps out of the Temple, singing. It’s “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of the Opera. Mmkay. I’m on a bit of a kick here, aren’t I? Only… imagine it gets faster as it goes. This thing’s going out with a bang!]

Link: [singing to the backup music]
Started off as no one
A boy from Podunk Land
I wished, hoped for a chance to
Get out and get to dance, too…

[The music picks up, and Link turns back to the Master Sword]

Link:
Now I know what I did
That was so weak and wrong
Just sat, waiting and biding
My time in my house, hiding

[The song picks up very dramatically. Because dammit, like I said, THIS IS GONNA ROCK. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ALMOST DONE!]

Link:
I promised someday I’d be Somebody!
Now that day has come and here I am…
Sitting, waiting for my dream to come, didn’t do
ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIIING… TO HELP ME ON MY WAY!
The “reaching” is something YOU must do!

[The song gets dramatic as Link skips out into the main room of the temple, the Door of Time closing up behind him as he dances across the red carpet and the altar.]

Link:
Whining didn’t help me
Bitching was useless too!
I needed to get off my
Ass and speak what I thought was true!
Staying silent, useless!
To venture, that is gold!
There’s no way they’ll deny you
If you go out and try you’ll really-

Chorus:
SAY YOU HAVE A DREAM YOU WANT TO FOLLOW!
LIKE TO WRITE OR BE AN ASTRONAUT!
WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT WILL NOT HELP YOU
YOU HAVE GOT TO GET OUT THERE AND PROVE
THAT YOU DESERVE WHAT’S COMING TO YOU!

[Link hops up on the altar, scooping up the Spiritual Stones and tucking them into his backpack as he belts out the finale]

Link and Chorus:
GO OUT THERE AND WITH YOUR HANDS, YOU’LL REACH IT
ANYTHING YOU’D EVER WISH TO DO!
IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT AND TRY IT

Link:
ANNNYYYYTHIIIIIIIIIIIING YOU WISH, IT CAN COME TRUE!

Chorus:
THAT’S REAL DISNEY OF YOU!

[An orchestration of the chorus plays as Link gives a speech]

Link: [grins at the audience] Well guys… We’ve had a really great time on this magical, musical mystery journey… But you know, you’ve got to keep the moral in mind here! Don’t sit on your ass and bitch and moan about how sad you are or how you wish things were different! Get up… AND SING. Any waking moment of the day! If you’re in class and you hate your homework, get up and sing about it! TELL THAT BITCH HOW YOU FEEL! If you’re madly in love with the girl next door, knock on her window, hold up a boom box a la “Say Anything” and SING HER YOUR LOVE! If the guy on the bus bumping into you pisses you off, BURST INTO SOULFUL METAL AND TELL HIM OFF! You may get yelled at, you may get arrested, you may get the crap kicked out of you by every single kid at your school, even the one who gets his head stuck in his own tuba every single day after band practice! But the point is, you’ll feel better and you’ll have helped to make this world a better place for all us weirdo musical geeks!

[The orchestration picks up and gets a slightly peppier feeling to it. Link starts tapping his feet and whips a microphone out of nowhere.]

Link: So let’s get down and get funky one last time before the end… Oh, oh… Oh GOD, let it end!

[It’s time for our last legitimate song parody. I’m getting a little teary. It’s “Don’t Let It End” by Styx! Link has a seat on the altar and sings like he’s starring in a nightclub production as the cast slowly marches out from the sides of the stage and waves, doing a curtain call.]

Young Link: [singing spiritedly]
What can I do?
I read this script, it made me cry!
Trying to get out of this gig
It was hard to do…
Some nights I’d wake up
I’d look at the cover
And cry an hour or two…
But I’d get up each day
Make myself an egg
And make my way onto the stage!
Now ecstasy fills me up inside
And my dream’s coming true!
If you’ll miss us I’m sorry for you
Because this thing sucks, it’s true…
Wait and see!
How this thing will backfire on me!
My career is so over!
Put it out of its misery!

All:
OH, GOD LET IT END!
PICK OUR DIGNITY UP OFF THE FLOOR!

Male Cast: [echoing]
FLOO-OOR!

Female Cast:
FLOO-OOR!

All:
GOD, LET IT END!
SO WE CAN ALL WALK OUT THE DOOR!

Male Cast:
DOO-OOR!

Female Cast:
DOO-OOR!

Adult Link: [appears next to his younger self with his own mic, rubs Young Link’s hair and sings]
I think my consent for this was a mistake
But dear agent, I’ll promise
I’ll do what it takes
I’ll listen to you next time
You’re always right
You’ve got my career’s best interest in sight

All: [line-dancing behind the two Links]
GOD, LET IT END!
WE’RE BEGGING YOU!
GOD, LET IT END QUICKLY!
GOD, LET IT END!
WE’RE BEGGING YOU!

Both Links: [really yelling it out]
GOD, LET IT END QUICKLAYYYYYYYYYY!

[The house band plays a guitar instrumental as the entire cast whips out their cell phones and palm pilots to consult their agents on their next piece of work, hoping it’ll be a lot better than THIS was!]

Young Link: [slides out on his knees as the crowd parts]
GOD, LET IT END!
PICK OUR DIGNITY UP OFF THE FLOOR!

Male Cast:
FLOO-OOR!

Female Cast:
FLOO-OOR!

Adult Link: [schmoozing his way suavely out front]
GOD, LET IT END!
SO WE CAN ALL WALK OUT THE DOOR!

Male Cast:
DOO-OOR!

Female Cast:
DOO-OOR!

Young Link:
God, let it end!
I’m begging you!
God, let it end quicklayyyyyyyy!

Adult Link:
God, let it end!
I’m begging you!
God, let it end quicklayyyyyyy!
No, no, noooo!

Young Link:
No, no, nooooo!

[The song fades out into piano chords, and both Links are once again facing each other in the center of the stage as the cast gathers around them, waving their arms in the air dramatically]

Both Links:
What will we do?
If there’s a Part Two?
I won’t do it, no way…
Author, please let it end…
Quick…laaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…

Young Link: [high, falsetto voice]
WHOAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…

[The cast falls to their knees, waving their hands towards the heavens as a familiar person in a long dark robe steps out… Why, it’s the little-seen narrator! The narrator faces the audience and checks his/her watch, seeming to be waiting for the song to end.]

[And as the song fades out into one last, uber-dramatic chord of musical finaleness, the narrator pulls off his/her hood, pulls out a looooooooooooong list of people, looks over it and says…]

GG/Narrator: [well who did you THINK it would be?] … See you in court!


-FIN-

------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------


A Galaxy Girl Fanfiction Production
All Original Songs and Parody Lyrics are Copyright Galaxy Girl, 2001-2004 (MY GOD THAT TOOK A LONG TIME), please ask before you use them.

All non-original music is copyright of the original artist… who will be listed in the giant ass Don’t Sue Me Thirtieth Chapter Spectacular. STAY TUNED FOR THAT, MAN, IT’S GONNA RAWK.


CAST CREDITS…

Marko Pizlikanikovstikov as Young Link
Gerard Huddleston as Adult Link
Faye Pixley as Navi
Tracy McGee as Young Zelda
Julia Pierce as Adult Zelda
Melvin Winston Chocobo Smith III as Ganondorf
Brooke Sandunn as Saria
Rudolpho Goronez as Darunia
Krystal Terrence as Young Ruto
Jane Doe as Adult Ruto
Christine Joesakicrobblakeputanendtothenhlstrike as Impa
Mina Haute as Nabooru
Marlon Brando as Rauru
Galaxy Girl as Herself

And introducing…

Esteban Goronez as Little Link of the Gorons


AUTHOR’S NOTE:

The author would like to congratulate Prince William Edward Alphonse Gustanov IV for the Nobel Prize awarded to him for his groundbreaking role as Hymie the Fish.