Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Eight: The Final Final Battle ( Chapter 28 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
After all his trials and tribulations, at last Link inherits the power predestined to belong to him...
Not the Triforce, dummy. THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 08.12.2004 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 16 | Words: 10.0K | Visits: 1.3K | Status: Completed
After all his trials and tribulations, at last Link inherits the power predestined to belong to him...
Not the Triforce, dummy. THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 08.12.2004 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 16 | Words: 10.0K | Visits: 1.3K | Status: Completed
Hey, OCARINA! – The Cheesy Zelda Musical!
Maimed by Galaxy Girl!
CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT: The Cataclysmic Final Battle of Great Suspense! SUSPENSE!! SUSPENSE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! CAN YOU FEEL YOUR BLOOD BOILING, YOUR GUT TWISTING AND YOUR PANTS WETTING AT THE EXCITING SUSPENSE?! OH, YOU KNOW IT, EVEN THOUGH WE AAAAALL KNOW HOW OCARINA OF TIME ENDS, YOU’RE JUST ON PINS AND NEEDLES WAITING FOR ME TO GET DONE WITH THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG TITLE AND INTO THE CHAPTER! … SUSPENSE!
In this scene…
Link, the Mighty (cough) Hero of Time!
Navi, the Legendary Guardian Fairy!
Zelda, the Seventh Sage and Princess of Hyrule!
Ganondorf, the Great King o’ Evil!
GANON [DUN DUN DUN DUNNN…], Freaky Pig Thing of EVIL!
The Six Sages!
The Director!
And a special guest star!
A/N: Heeyyy guys! ^_^;; Holy crap… here we are, one chapter away from the grand finale (to take place in 29)! A big fat huge thank you cookie of love to everyone who’s had the willpower to read this massive piece of crap since the very beginning, and a second cookie to everyone who’s had the kindness to leave a nice review for each chapter. A third cookie to anyone who still read, even though they didn’t know ANY of the songs I used, and take a third cookie all of you who did know, too. ^_^
Anyhoo, like I just said, chapter 29 will be the grand finale of Hey, OCARINA! complete with dance lines, pyrotechnics and a climactic scene involving me dealing with the RIAA, once and for ALL. But don’t drop off after that- like I promised, there will be a chapter 30. Chapter 30 will be the Big Fat Don’t Sue Me Chapter full o’ bonuses! Along with a detailed list of all the songs I used and their artists (in case you’d like to find them for yourselves), chapter 30 will feature some of my famous outtakes, deleted scenes, bonus song parodies you won’t find anywhere else, random idiocy, and even a trivia quiz!
Also, if you have any questions about me or about the fic you’d like to ask and have answered in that chapter, leave them in your review (along with a comment about the actual fic… pleeeease people, I THRIIIVE on comments!)
So STICK AROUND AFTER THE CREDITS ROLL, BOYS AND GIRLS. AUNTIE GG’S GOT QUITE A RIDE IN STORE FOR YA!
PS: Don’t mind that I borrowed him, SSJ! ^_~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
(Scene: The torched ruins of what used to be Ganondorf’s Outer Upper Inner Lower Middle Inner Upper… oh, for the love of… GANONDORF’S TOWER. The party that we left off on last chapter has long since ended, and our three heroes, Link, Zelda and Navi sit on bits of rubble off towards the edge of the big floaty island thing, roasting marshmallows from nowhere over flaming, shrapneled bits of the tower.)
Link: [pulls Zelda’s marshmallow out of the fire] Now now! You only want it in until it turns a nice golden brown… Crispy on the outside, melty and gooey and tasty on the inside!
Zelda: Like this? [pulls out a flaming marshmallow]
Navi: Looks like my cousin Phil…
Link: Erm… Kinda… [stares in awe at the flames engulfing and destroying Zelda’s poor marshmallow]
Zelda: … Oh, poopie, I burned it.
Navi: [sniffles] Cousin Phil went the same way…
Link: So, um… Zelda… can I ask?
Zelda: [blowing on her marshmallow] Ask what?
Link: So… I awakened the Six Sages, right?
Zelda: Mmhmm… [waves her now-flaming stick around]
Link: And I defeated the Evil King Ganondorf with their help, right?
Zelda: Yep…
Link: Okay… and I saved Hyrule, right?
Zelda: Pretty much!
Link: Okay, then… can I ask?
Zelda: Ask away.
Link: [places his hands on his hips] Why have we been waiting here on this chunk of rubble for six hours?
Zelda: [glances at him indignantly] Well, OBVIOUSLY, Link. Look where we are! A giant, scientifically impossible floating island over a pit of hot liquid magma.
Link: Yeah…?
Zelda: You wanna try JUMPING?
Link: [sighs] But I’m sick of sitting here and I wanna go pee-pee, but you GIRLS are in the way!
Zelda: We’ll just have to wait here until we are retrieved by our valiant rescue crew!
Link: WHAT rescue crew?
Zelda: The rescue crew that will come and rescue us when they hear of our heroic valor and our totally lopsided defeat of Evil King Ganondorf!
Navi: LOPSIDED? [giggles] Link got his ass handed to him!
Link: I did NOT! If it weren’t for the sacrifice of my dear sweet Hy-
Navi: [covers Link’s mouth] NO MORE OF THAT JOKE. PLEASE. I’VE HAD ENOUGH.
Zelda: Nine chapters, for the love of Din! NINE CHAPTERS.
Link: Hmmph… [crosses his arms] SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR HEROES ANYMORE!
Navi: Link, you ARE the hero.
Link: … Oh yeah. Then… WHY HAVE I BEEN TRAPPED ON A FLOATING ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEA OF MOLTEN LAVA FOR THE PAST TEN HOURS?!
Navi: You said six a minute ago.
Link: [yanks at his hair] IT’S STILL BEEN TOO LONG! WHY CAN’T WE LEAVE?!
Zelda: [calmly] I told you! Our rescue crew hasn’t arrived with the ticker-tape parade yet.
Link: Ticker-tape parade?
Zelda: Well, YEAH! It’s my first public reappearance in Hyrule since Ganondorf smoked my daddy! And it’s your debut to your adoring public as the Hero of Time! I expect there’ll be a HUUUUGE parade.
Link: [eyes light up] A PARAAADE?!
Zelda: Yes, yes, with lots of music!
Link: [getting all giddy] Music!? MUSIC!! YAY!
Zelda: And tons of food!
Link: WHAT KIND OF FOOD?!
Zelda: [hops up and down like a schoolgirl] ONLY THE BEST! Funnel cakes and apple pies and snow cones and candy and ice cream and a big huge barbecue!
Link: I LOVE SNOW CONES!
Zelda: [squealing] YES, AND THEN WE’LL GET MEDALS! BIG, SHINY MEDALS!
Link: I LOVE SHINY!
Zelda: YES, AND WE’LL HAVE STATUES BUILT OF US AND WE’LL HAVE OUR PICTURES ON POSTAGE STAMPS AND GREETING CARDS AND ACTION FIGURES!
Link: [looks adoring] ACTION FIGURES, YAYEEE!
Navi: Hey guys?
Link and Zelda: WHAT?!
Navi: How is your rescue party going to know you’re here?
Zelda: EASY! Ganondorf’s DEAD! That’s gotta be BIG NEWS!
Navi: … Zelda, Ganondorf was the media. There ARE no newspapers anymore! No one knows we’re here… no one probably even knows that Ganondorf’s dead yet!
[OR IS HE?! No, he’s not. But play along like he is.]
Zelda: … Well DRAT! This puts a severe hitch in my plan!
Link: How so?
Zelda: How so? So, like… WE’RE GOING TO BE STUCK ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND THINGY UNTIL WE ROT!
Link: NOOOOOOO! I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO ROT!
Zelda: You?! Hush about you! I’m the freaking heir to the throne! ALL OF HYRULE WILL PLUNGE INTO DARKNESS IF I DIE!
[Link and Navi are staring at her.]
Zelda: Well, er… plunge into darkness AGAIN, for that matter.
Navi: Jeez you guys… RELAX. I’m sure we’re not STUCK here. The Sages can bail us out, right? With their mystical RAINBOW BRIDGE building powers!
Link: Yeah, yeah… [mumbling a bit incoherently, sits on a rock] Any minute now, the Sages will build us a mystical rainbow bridge and set us free of this floating magma prison…
[Quick cut-scene of the H,O Staff Lounge, where the Six Sages are currently engaged in a very rowdy party involving lots of liquor, meatball Spaghetti-Os, and several lampshades.]
[Back to the rubble. Link, Zelda and Navi are sitting there, staring back and forth to each other and sighing heavily every few seconds.]
Zelda: This is ridiculous. We’re four pages into the chapter already… SOMETHING has got to happen soon!
Link: Should we maybe sing?
Navi: About what?
Link: Um… I dunno… uh… Monkeys?
Zelda: … WHAT?
Link: Monkeys! Monkeys are cute and furry and they eat bananas! [grins idiotically]
Zelda: … I think you need a vacation, Link. All this Hero of Time business hasn’t been good for your psychological health.
Link: [grumbling] No kidding. It’s left me with a penchant for blood and killing things, a sophomoric sense of humor only matched by my low IQ, and I HEAR VOICES ALL THE TIME!
Navi: Don’t worry Link… we’ll get you all the help you need as soon as we get out of here.
Link: [whimpers] SEE?! I’M HEARING VOICES RIGHT NOW!
Zelda: That was your fairy.
Link: … Since when did Navi become a bass?
Navi: What the hell are you talking about?
Link: If it’s YOUR voice, why do you keep saying “Ouch”?
Navi: … Ouch? I’m not saying “Ouch”!
Link: Well it’s not me!
Zelda: And it’s not me!
Link: … hmmm… who could it be?
Resounding, Very Familiar Voice: OUCH!
[All three of our heroes leap about a thousand feet in the air when they hear a voice echoing out of the smashed rubble of Ganondorf’s Castle.]
Link: …
Zelda: …
Navi: Wh-what… what was that?
Link: [whispering] You can hear it TOO?!
Zelda: [points over at the tower ruins] I-It’s coming from over there…
Navi: Wh-what could it be?
Link: [face pales considerably] DO YOU TH-THINK… IT’S…
Navi: It couldn’t be…
Zelda: [whispering in a fearful voice] It couldn’t be… GANONDORF?!
Link: [loud, freakish girl scream] AAAAAAAAGGHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Navi and Zelda: SHHHH!
[They both clamp hands over Link’s mouth while he starts crying like a little girl]
Navi: B-but that’s impossible! He can’t be… he can’t be still alive! He was DEAD! We SAW HIM DIE! He fell over and gave a dramatic speech and everything!
Zelda: [hissing under her breath] Okay… okay… okay… I could buy the top of the tower caving in into a perfectly flat surface and patching up all the holes… I could buy Ganondorf’s last breath going off five minutes after he dropped dead… I could buy the entire castle flattening into a large floating island over a pit of lava… but [now screaming] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WILL EVER BUY THAT A MAN COULD GO TOPPLING OFF OF THE TOP OF A CRUMBLING TOWER, BE SMASHED IN THE RUINS, LAY THERE TO ROT FOR A GOOD SIX OR SO HOURS, AND THEN STILL BE ALIVE! IT’S NOT POSSIBLE! IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HEAVEN OR ON EARTH THAT ANYBODY, VIDEO GAME NERD OR NOT, CAN FANWANK THAT INTO MAKING SENSE! GANONDORF SHOULD BE DEAD! DEAD! DEAD AS A DOORNAIL, DEAD AS DISCO, DEAD AS MY FATHER, DEAD AS THE COMMODORE 64 SYSTEM, DEAD AS LINK’S SANITY, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Navi: Well, um… he DID have the Triforce and all.
Zelda: … GAAAAHHHH! [breaks down into a little sobbing lump on the ground]
Navi: … hokay. Considering I’m the only one of us with at least partial sanity left, guess I’m going to have to take charge here.
Link: [blubbering wussily]
Navi: Link… Link, ol’ buddy ol’ pal… [flies down in his face] You know what we gotta do, honey.
Link: NOOOO! NONONONONONONOOO! I WAS DONE! I WAS DOOOONE!
Navi: Yes, yes sweetie… we know you were done and I know you just wanna go home and maybe hang out with a lot of your fangirls, but we have another job to do!
Link: Yeeeeees… [whimpers]
Navi: Come on now, Link… You’re the Hero of Time! You should be JUMPING at the chance to fight another battle!
Link: Navi, I got my ASS HANDED TO ME before! I can’t do it! I can’t fight anymore, I caaaaaaan’t!
Navi: YES YOU CAN, BY GUMMI! As your guardian fairy, I will not sit here and listen to you bitch and whine and moan any longer! Hymie did not sacrifice his after-life to you so you could run away like a sissymary chickenwussy! You are going to stand up, fix your pants, march on over there and check out what that sound is!
Link: [sniffles again, then stands up, amid triumphant music] Yes… yes, you’re right, Navi… I have to be brave for Hymie…
Zelda: [crossing her arms] So you’ll do it for your dead pet fish… but you won’t do it for ME?!
Link: [snorts at Zelda] Yeah, Zelda… it’s OVER between us, okay? If you can’t turn into a male ninja anymore, I’m just not interested.
Zelda: [incredulously] WHAAAA-
Navi: [cuts her off] Please… just… DON’T ASK.
Link: [ignoring them both, already deep in Monologue Land] It was such a satisfying feeling that rushed over me… the knowledge that I had come full circle in my story and saved the world, finally able to rest… And now I know that my happy ending is not so far away! With my friends, the Sages and my dead pet fish standing by me, I do have the power I need to finish my story! But there is only one more task I have to do… ONE MORE MISSION I MUST UNDERTAKE! I must search deep within myself, march off to an uncertain future, and investigate the source of this scary and quite unusual noise! I COULD CHICKEN OUT! I COULD PEE MY PANTS! I COULD DO ANY NUMBER OF THINGS BUT ABOVE ALL, I WILL GO OVER THERE AND CHECK OUT THAT NOISE… BECAUSE I, AM THE HERO OF-
Zelda: WILL YOU JUST GO ALREADY?! [kicks him in the butt]
Link: Owie! [rubs his butt and draws his sword as he heads towards the big pile of rubble] Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess…
Navi: AH! [quickly covers Link’s mouth] THOU SHALT NOT QUOTE THE OLD CARTOON!
Link: … There was a cartoon?
Navi: WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT.
Link: … Ah. Ooookee.
[As Zelda sits behind to wait uselessly for Link to do all the dirty work, he (closely followed by Navi) carefully saunters off towards the huge pile of rubble in the center of the almost TOO perfectly formed “battle arena”. Scary, suspenseful music plays in the background]
Link: Wh-what do you think that noise was?
Navi: Ganondorf, probably…
Link: But don’t you think Zelda has a point? I mean… he should be dead… right?
Navi: Zelda’s obviously never played a video game. The bad guy NEVER goes down in one round. NEVER. They always come back big as life and twice as ugly, and more than likely with wings and a full-choir theme song with organ accompaniment.
[Suspenseful pizzicato violin strings play as Link and Navi very slowly make their way towards the large pile of rubble in the center of the floaty island of doom. Every time there is a strange noise, one or the other gasps loudly and leaps at the other for protection… and it takes a very, very long time. Finally, Link stands before the pile of rubble, listening to a faint groaning noise coming out from under one of the huge rocks.]
Link: [whispers to Navi] The voice is coming out from under THIS… ROCK. [points at it with the Master Sword]
Navi: [whispers back] Well, what are you waiting for? Lift it up!
Link: B-but what happens when Ganondorf leers at me from underneath it, covered in blood, big as life and twice as ugly with Final Fantasy bad guy wings and organ music?!
Navi: Um… well, either you kick him in the fact and proceed to defeat him, or you run screaming like a little girl.
Link: [seems to be thinking very hard about this] Decisions, decisions.
Navi: Just lift up the rock, Link! There’s always the chance it might NOT be Ganondorf!
Link: Oh who else would it be?
Navi: That Redead from the bridge?
Link: [pales] THAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE.
Navi: Well… erm… [pokes him] Go ahead, lift up the rock!
Link: O-Okay…
[Extremely suspenseful music plays in the background as Link very slowly leans down, takes a firm grip on the rock, and very slowly, very carefully lifts it up to reveal in a blasting crescendo of noise…]
Link and Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
Small Pink Kitten: … Mawww?
[The music all cuts out and Link stares at the most adorable pink kitten ever to grace this planet, his fur just a little dirty from the tower’s crash and his big, cute, button-eyes making the cute puppy- er… kitten face, in this case.]
Navi: … the HELL?
Link: … A kitty?
Kitten: Mewwwww! [soul-melting pleading glance]
Link and Navi: … [glance at each other] … AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Kitten: Mawww! ^_^
Link: [scoops up the kitten in his arms and pets it gently] What a KYOOOOOOOT WITTLE KITTY! AWWWWWWW! Did you survive that big nasty crash, little guy? Awwwwwwww! Were you kidnapped by that BAD, NASTY, UGLY, POOPY-PANTS GANONDORF, you SWEET LITTLE THING?!
Kitten: [meows adorably and plays with Link’s shirt with one paw] Mew!
Navi: Awwww! [buzzes around] Well, THAT’S a relief… it’s just a cute little kitten, not Ganondorf returned to life or anything like that…
Zelda: [yelling] WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON OVER THERE?!
Link: [yells back, turns to head back towards Zelda] DON’T WORRY ZELDA, IT’S JUST A CUTE LITTLE-
Menacing Voice Accompanied by a Creepy Green Hand Grabbing Link’s Ankle: SNARGLES!
[PSYCHO MUSIC!!! REEE REEE REEE REEE REEEEEEE!]
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH! [throws his arms up and sends Snargles the kitten flying]
Navi: YAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! BIG AS LIFE AND TWICE AS UGLY! [pointing frantically at the rubble]
[Sure enough, the large rock NEXT to where Snargles was hidden overturns itself and beneath it is Ganondorf, glaring venomously at Link and grabbing him by the ankle with one hand]
Link: AAAAAAGGGH! [stomps at Ganondorf’s hand with his other foot] OFF OFF OFF PEDOPHILE DIE DIE DIE!
Ganondorf: [menacing voice as he rockets out of the rubble, floating in midair] RELEASE MY KITTEN AT ONCE, YOU PUNK ASS PAIN IN THE NECK! I’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF HURT YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!
Snargles: Maww! [has since run off and magically found his way off of the Floaty Rubble of Doom- no animals were harmed in the making of this musical. Erm… except Hymie.]
Zelda: AIEEEEEEE!
[Extremely dramatic music plays very loudly as Link and Navi quickly back away from Ganondorf, floating in midair with little chunks of rubble floating all around him in a burst of electrical magic, glowing creepy eyes, and a brand new baritone voice complete with scary echo! No FF-bad guy wings yet, though.]
Ganondorf: [generally sounding pissed off] YOU FOOLS BREAK INTO MY TEMPLES! YOU KILL MY DEMONIC HOARDS! YOU FREE THE SAGES, YOU SNEAK INTO MY HOME, YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF MY EVIL POWERS, YOU KILL ME, YOU CRUSH MY TOWER AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO THINK THAT I WON’T GET REVENGE!? YOUUUUU STUPID INSIGNIFICANT MAGGOTS!
Navi: [commenting under her breath] What IS it with bad guys calling the heroes “insignificant” in the last battle?
Link: [freaking out] NOT A GOOD TIME FOR THE PEANUT GALLERY, NAVI!
Ganondorf: [points an accusatory finger at Link] BUT NOW YOU’VE ROASTED YOUR LAST MARSHMALLOW! YOU’VE PET YOUR LAST KITTEN, HERO OF TIME! BECAUSE THOUGH I WAS STRONG BEFORE, I HAD BARELY BEGUN TO TAP INTO THE POWER OF THE TRIFORCE OF… POWER! THIS TIME, I WILL UNLEASH MY FULL STRENGTH AND FURY UPON YOU AND CRUSH YOU INTO ITTY BITTY BISHIE BITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR BIGGEST FANGIRL FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!
Zelda: [blushing indignantly] I AM NOT HIS BIGGEST FANGIRL!
Ganondorf: [crosses his arms and speaks in a normal voice, just for a second] Are you kidding me? The entire time I had you kidnapped, all you could to is go, “OH LINK, MY DARLING LOVE, WHEN WILL YOU RIDE TO ME AND RESCUE ME LIKE A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?!”
Zelda: [eye twitch] I didn’t say it like that! I’m not THAT big of a fangirl!
Ganondorf: You have his face tattooed on your cleavage. Of COURSE you’re THAT BIG OF A FANGIRL!
Zelda: [turns BRIGHT red] SHUT UP, YOU BUTTNUGGET!
Link: … [turns to Zelda] Can I see?
Navi: [THWACKS him in the back of the head] LINK!
Link: Ow! [rubs his head] Don’t I get a last request?
Navi: … Wait a sec. How does HE [points at Ganondorf] know about a tattoo on your cleavage, Zelda?
Zelda: I DON’T HAVE A TATTOO ON MY CLEAVAGE!
Ganondorf: [the voice changer is back] OH PUH-LEEEEEASE. I’M A BAD GUY! OF COURSE I’M ALSO A PEEPING TOM!
Zelda: [mortified, just curls up in a little ball] Just KILL HIM NOW, Link.
Link: Erm… OKAY! [tightens his grip on his sword] NOW PREPARE YOURSELF TO DIE A MOST HORRIBLE DEATH, GREAT KING OF EVIL!
Ganondorf: YOU FIRST, WUSSY-BOY! CHORUS SINGERS, IF YOU PLEASE, MY REMIX?
Chorus Singers: [burst back with another rendition of “One-Winged Angel”.]
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Ganondorf: THANK YOU. AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU- GRRRAGGGGH!
[Holding up his left hand, the Triforce of Power glows gold and evil (is that possible?) and Ganondorf is suddenly consumed by a shiny blue light and right before our heroes’ eyes, he transforms into a bloodthirsty, vicious, 10-foot-tall, 1000-pound PIG-GOAT-DINOSAUR THING! Oh, you think I’m kidding? Go look at the game. He has a little piggy nose. BUT ANYWAY! Landing on the ground, roaring quite loudly and slashing around a pair of nastily ouch-looking swords, Ganondorf has transformed into GANON!]
GANON: [snorting out an evil roar] GREAAAGGGGGHHH!
[Link stands perfectly still, staring at GANON. Then he makes an odd face and turns to Navi.]
Link: Well, I’ve just soiled myself.
Navi: … Holy-
[Navi is cut off as GANON, swinging his swords wildly in an attempt to make mincemeat out of our heroes, is just barely stopped from killing them both by a spastic blocking motion by Link. The Master Sword goes flying out of his hand and lands sticking into the ground (oh, how convenient!) on the other side of a large and conspicuously placed ring of fire, right near Zelda. Who screams, as always.]
Zelda: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Link: … [eyes GANON one more time] …
Navi: Ah… Link! You shouldn’t have eaten all those pork rinds; they made your hands slippery!
Link: [panicking] DAMN YOU SKINS OF PORK!
GANON: GREEARRRRGGGGH! [charges at Link in an attempt to filet him]
Link: Excuse me, Navi…
Navi: What are you gonna do?
Link: [panicky voice] RUN AND SCREAM LIKE A GIRL! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
[The Chorus Singers burst into their new rendition of “One-Winged Angel” as GANON chases Link around in circles on the big floaty island of doom. Zelda stands uselessly off to one side, screaming every so often, but her screaming is NOTHING compared to Link’s. He is yelling like a 6-year-old in a haunted house.]
Link: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
GANON: GRAAARRRGGGH! [close behind!]
Navi: RUN LINK, RUN!
Chorus Singers:
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE COULDN’T LOOK FREAKIER!
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE COULDN’T LOOK FREAKIER!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
NOW HE IS A BIG MUTANT PIG SORT OF THING!
NOW HE IS A BIG MUTANT PIG SORT OF THING!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Link: [panting heavily as he dives and dodges over large chunks of rubble] MUST RUN! MUST RUN! MUST RUN!
Navi: LINK, BEHIND YOU!
Link: YIPES! [leaps out of the way just in time to avoid being chopped in half]
GANON: GREEARRRRGGGHHHHGYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Zelda: LINK! THAT’S NO WAY FOR A HERO OF TIME TO BEHAVE! TURN AROUND AND FACE HIM!
Link: YOU HAVE MY SACRED SWORD! THROW IT TO ME!
Zelda: … [eyes it] … Nah, it’s got cooties.
Link: [stops in front of her, just briefly] WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH-
GANON: RARR!
Link: MOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! [flees again]
Chorus Singers:
NOW HE’S GOT SWORDS!
THEY’RE REALLY BIG!
NOW FEAR HIS WRATH!
DINOSAUR PIG!
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE STEROIDS, KIDS!
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE STEROIDS, KIDS!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh…
AAAAH!
[A riveting orchestration plays as Link finally stops running around in circles- after about 42 times of doing so.]
Link: Wait a second!
Navi: WE DON’T HAVE A SECOND!
Link: Why am I running? I’m not unarmed! I have THE BIGGY! It’s about TEN TIMES COOLER than the Master Sword anyway!
Navi: … Y’know, that’s a good point!
Link: [turns around] I’M DONE RUNNING, GANON!
GANON: GREEAGGGH! [charges]
Link: TIME TO GET BIGGY WITH IT! WOOT! [whips out the Biggy, and lightning strikes!]
Chorus Singers:
RUNNING, RUNNING WOULD BE GOOD
RUNNING IS ADVISABLE
SCREAMING, SCREAMING LIKE YOU SHOULD
SCREAMING IS ADVISABLE
RUNNING, RUNNING WOULD BE GOOD
RUNNING IS ADVISABLE
SCREAMING, SCREAMING LIKE YOU SHOULD
SCREAMING IS ADVISABLE
Female Chorus Singers: [as the males repeat that top part]
THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN ESCAPE HIM!
ON THIS FLOATY ISLAND OF DOOM!
YOU MUST TURN AROUND AND FACE HIM!
MAKE THAT EVIL KING GO “BOOM”!
AND PROVE YOU REALLY ARE A HERO
AND SECURE YOUR OTHER GAMES AND
MAKE SURE THAT A “CHICKENWUSSY”
ISN’T WHAT THEY CALL YOUR NAME AND-
Chorus Singers:
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
GANON: GRRRRR, BABY! [lightning strikes behind him]
Chorus Singers:
GANONDORF!
[All the music cuts out except for a lone, dramatic violin. Link stands at one side of the arena, the Biggy flung over his shoulder. GANON stands at the other, breathing heavily and generally looking menacing. Finally Link speaks, yet another dramatic monologue.]
Link: I’m done running, GANON. I’m done running from you and I’m done running from my destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Link: [monologue-land dramatic music starts up] I was scared at first when I was told I’d have to undertake this quest! First the Spiritual Stones, and then the Six Sages… How could I do it, I wondered? I was just a little kid… inexperienced, and never having made my way through a rollicking musical fantasy adventure before… But along the way, I met many friends! Friends who threw their power in with mine and helped me to realize that I did have the strength! Friends like Navi… Zelda… Saria, Darunia, [gags a little bit] Ruto, Impa, Nabooru and Rauru! Friends who believed in me and as a result, helped me to believe in myself! I NOW KNOW, GANON! THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU OR THE TRIFORCE CAN DO TO DEFEAT ME! BECAUSE AS LONG AS MY FRIENDS ARE BY MY SIDE AND IN MY HEART AND AS LONG AS I DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF… I WILL NEVER BE TRULY DEFEATED! YOU CAN KNOCK MY SWORD AWAY OR TRAMPLE ME UNDERFOOT AND MASH ME TO A PULP, OR CARVE OUT MY EYES OR BREAK MY ELBOWS! YOU CAN SPLIT MY KNEECAPS AND BURN MY BODY AWAY, HACK OFF ALL MY LIMBS AND MANGLE THEM! YOU CAN SMASH MY HEAD IN AND CUT OUT MY HEART AND HAVE MY LIVER REMOVED AND MY BOWELS UNPLUGGED AND MY NOSTRILS RAPED AND MY-
Navi: [cuts him off] That’s enough, “Sir Robin”.
Link: [totally ignoring Navi] I KNOW NOW, GANON… THAT THE POWER I WAS LOOKING FOR TO DEFEAT YOU HAS BEEN WITHIN ME ALL THIS TIME! I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE HONED MY SKILLS ENOUGH TO RELEASE IT! THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS AS THE HERO OF TIME AND THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW! SO… NOW, WITHOUT ANY MORE RUNNING OR CHICKENING OUT OR HUMOROUS LAPSES IN BRAIN POWER ON MY PART… I’M GOING TO USE MY NEW POWER AND DEFEAT YOU! If Zelda could please throw me the Sacred Master Sword I sort of need for this?
Zelda: [eyes the sword disdainfully] But… it’s got COOTIES on it.
Link: Oh for the love of the Goddesses, just THROW IT TO ME. Make yourself more useful than you ever were in the game and save the author having to type out yet another long battle!
Zelda: … [siiiigh] But that would be breaking the Video Game Princess Code.
Navi: Princess Code?
Zelda: Yes! All princesses must be at the most important moment, TOTALLY HELPLESS AND GOOD FOR NOTHING.
Link: [grins] How about the princess throws me my Sacred Sword right now or else she won’t ever get a chance to see me naked?
[Split seconds later, the Master Sword lands in Link’s outstretched hand.]
Link: THANK you. [turns back to GANON] And now, GANON! Thank your for sitting around scratching your butt during that whole last exchange, because now it’s time FOR ME TO UNLEASH THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS! Hymie gave the strength to defeat Ganondorf… but now, it’s all up to me to destroy GANON! SAGES, BE WITH ME! HYMIE, BE WITH ME! NAVI AND ZELDA, BE WITH ME… HYRULE BE WITH ME! THIS IS IT! IT’S TIME TO DRAW ON MY POWER ONCE AND FOR ALL!
GANON: [growls skeptically] Graaagh.
Navi: [puts her hand on Link’s shoulder] Are you sure about this, Link?! He could still crush you pretty bad and, em… No one’s ever used the Mighty Power of Musicals before and lived to tell about it…
Link: Worry not, Navi! After THAT stirring monologue, no playwright could ever have the heart to make me die!
Navi: [sniffles] You’ve grown up so much, Link!
Link: [grins charismatically] Only seven years, Navi!
Navi: [enters her own monologue mode] Well… THERE’S NO WAY he’ll hold me back with his Evil Magic O’ Darkness again! This time, we fight together! I will rush to my death by your side, Link ol’ buddy ol’ pal!
Link: Thanks Navi! Now… [sticks the Master Sword into the ground and it starts to glow blue as he kneels next to it] I’M GOING TO SUMMON ALL MY POWER AND KICK YOUR ASS, GANON! SO WAIT RIGHT THERE, JUST A SEC!
[Link starts to glow a soft blue, and Navi, Zelda and GANON gaze back and forth to each other confusedly, because it seems to take a long time.]
GANON: … Greerrgh! [stomps over as if to let Link have it while he’s distracted]
Navi: AAAAH! No-no! [slaps GANON across the face] You can’t break the Bad Guy Code!
GANON: GREEARRGGHGHAHGHHGGH!?
Navi: You have to allow the good guys all the time in the world to do their dramatic monologues and goodbye speeches, and all their magic power summoning, too.
GANON: [grumbles in an annoyed tone]
[The stage is silenced as suddenly, Link stops glowing and slumps over on the ground like he’s inconveniently fallen asleep onstage. The other three all stare at him, and Navi flies over and pokes him. He falls over on his face like he’s dead.]
Navi: … OH GOD! LINK!
Zelda: … Did he DIE?!
GANON: [laughing] GRRAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Navi: N-no… he’s gotta be sleeping or something… [pokes him again. He twitches] Link… Link? LIIIIIIIINK?
[Suddenly, Link gives a soft groan. Navi sighs immensely as he starts to pick himself up off the ground, his head lowered so we can’t see his face.]
Navi: Link! Are you okay!? What about the power, did you summon the- [flies down low enough to see his face] … AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
[Navi zips away from Link and takes cover behind Zelda.]
Zelda: [eyes Navi] So much for fighting by his side?
Navi: OH MY GOD… THAT’S… IT’S… IT’S SO… SO… HORRIBLE… THE POWER IT’S…
[Link slowly stands up, his head still lowered so we can’t see his face. He stumbles over, picks up the Master Sword and stands there for a minute, head still lowered.]
Zelda: What’s happened to him?
Navi: [sobbing] I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH… OH… POOR… POOR GANON! IT’S… IT’S SO TERRIBLE… I MIGHT… I MIGHT JUST… JUST… THROW UP, OOOHHHHHH…
Zelda: What’s the power? [squints and tries to see Link through the wall of fire]
Navi: The Mighty Power of Musicals is…
GANON: GRRRGH? [tilts his head inquisitively and tightens his grip on his swords]
Navi: The Might Power is…
Link: …
Navi: It’s…
[…]
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[… Suspenseful, isn’t it?]
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[Link looks up at GANON and MY GOD HAS HIS FACE CHANGED. He now has big, adorable anime-style eyes, rosy cheeks, a stupid cherubic grin, and generally looks disgustingly cute. GANON roars in shock, Zelda gasps, and Navi sobs quietly into Zelda’s dress.]
Zelda: DEAR GOD!
Link: … [in a very soulful voice, singing]
JITTERBUG!
Navi: THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS IS… WHAM!
[That is, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! You absolutely MUST hear this song. Once you do, your life will be changed in disturbing ways, especially if you hear it as you read this part of the musical.]
Link:
JITTERBUG!
[Link begins shimmying back and forth adorably, using the Master Sword as a cane like an old-time song and dance number.]
Link: [snaps fingers twice]
JITTERBUG!
[As he snaps his fingers, rainbow-colored lights, disco balls and huge amounts of chorus singers and costumed dancers appear behind him on a random stage, making it a BIG-TIME ULTRA-BROADWAY SPECTACULAR MUSICAL NUMBER.]
Link:
JITTERBUG!
Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOOOOOOOH!
GANON: [VERY ALARMED, starts howling in agony] GREARRRGGGHH?!
Zelda: [tearing up] The humanity!
Navi: Oh, Link… what a power you’ve come to possess!
Link: [singing as he pirouettes around in a graceful dance that is doubling its usefulness as he slashes GANON’S tail with his sword at the same time]
You put the boom-boom into my heart!
Chorus Singers:
OOH-OOH!
Link:
You send my soul sky high when your loving starts!
You send the jitterbug into my brain!
Chorus Singers:
YEAH-YEAH!
Link: [thumps his hands on his head, singing in his very best George Michael impersonation]
It goes bang-bang-bang until my feet do the same!
[As the Chorus Singers back him up, Link slides out on his knees and sings directly to GANON, who is holding his huge head in two gigantic hands and screaming like he’s got the mother-in-law of all migraines.]
Chorus Singers: [repeating]
BAH-AAAAH!
BAH-AAAAH!
Link:
But something's bugging you!
Something ain't right!
[motions to Navi] My best friend told me what you did last night!
Left me sleepin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I-
Link and Chorus Singers:
SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH YOU INSTEAD!
[Zelda and Navi make uncomfortable faces as Link prances about, dancing enthusiastically as he is backed up by chorus singers and a variety of women in sexy clothing, bright lights and disco balls flashing all around.]
Link and Chorus: [doing side steps with hand motions]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[shimmying back and forth, doing the hand jive]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [slides out on his knees, between GANON’S legs, slashing his tail again]
And take me dancin’ toniiiiiiiiight!
[he does a tricky somersault and lands up on his feet again, behind the ailing GANON]
I WANNA HIT THAT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
YEAH YEAH!
[At this point, GANON is hurriedly trying to rush out of Link’s musical nightmare, which is filling up the entirety of the ring of fire with dancing, singing, little cherubs playing guitars, confetti, bright lights and pyrotechnics. Zelda and Navi stand off to the side, clutching each other in fear. GANON slams right into the ring-of-fire, which he inconveniently made solid, and howls in agony as he tries to escape while Link launches into the next verse.]
Link:
You take the gray skies out of my way!
Chorus Singers:
OOH-OOH!
Link: [comes up behind GANON, prancing about and throwing daisies]
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day!
Turned a bright spark into a flame!
Chorus Singers:
YEAH-YEAH!
Link: [hugs GANON’S leg]
My beats per minute never been the same!
GANON: GRRAGGGH! [howling like he’s being murdered, shakes his leg to get Link off of him as Link stabs his tail over and over again]
Link: [hugging GANON and rubbing his leg]
'Cause you're my lady, I'm your fool!
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel!
Come on, baby, let's not fight!
We'll go dancing-
Link and Chorus:
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT!
[GANON finally flings Link off of him and the entranced hero lands in a spectacular handspring, gathering up his backup dancers again.]
Link and Chorus: [doing fancy elaborate tap dance]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[Can-canning]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [slides out on his knees yet again]
And take me dancin’ toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
I WANNA HIT THAT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
[screaming]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! BABY!
Deep-Voiced Chorus Singer:
JITTERBUG!
JITTERBUG!
[And the show erupts into an amazing and slightly nauseating display of Link dancing his little heart out to the instrumental and a veritable three-ring circus of action going on in the background. GANON clumsily tries to commit seppuku, but his swords are far too big to serve any use for that. Meanwhile, Zelda and Navi discuss.]
Navi: This is amazing! I had no ideas that musicals could be this powerful!
Zelda: There are many strange and mystifying things involved with the ancient art of the musical… Yet, their power can be… HORRIFYING.
Navi: So what’ll we do when Link’s finished?
Zelda: [makes a serious expression] We will call upon the power of the Six Sages to seal GANON away in the Sacred Realm, away from Hyrule where he can’t cause anymore trouble… But I’m afraid just Link might not be enough!
Navi: What do you mean?!
Zelda: He does have the Mighty Power of Musicals, the ancient force that can corrupt the world into a huge song and dance number at your slightest whim… but with just his voice, I don’t know if we can win…
Navi: … OF COURSE! [shakes Zelda] We’ve got to help him!
Zelda: But HOW?!
Navi: We’ll add our power to his!
Zelda: But HOW?!
Navi: Hey, come on, you’re the mystical princess. You should know these things… Just wait until the song starts again and follow my lead! Tell the Sages to do the same!
Zelda: Okaaay… I hope you know what you’re doing…
Navi: I don’t.
Zelda: Didn’t think so.
[Back in the ring of musical hell, Link stands and is strutting towards GANON West Side Story style, snapping his fingers and waving around the Master Sword as he sings]
Link:
Cuddle up, baby, move in tight!
We'll go dancing tomorrow night!
It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed!
They can dance-
Chorus Singers, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
-WE’LL STAY HOME INSTEAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
[GANON lets out a roar of horrible pain and torture as suddenly, Navi, Zelda and the Six Sages all appear in Link’s dance line, their faces also corrupted to look cherubic and happy. The Great Evil King throws a temper tantrum, thrusting his swords this way and that in a pathetic attempt to rid himself of the musical misery.]
All except GANON: [shuffling back and forth, dancing in time with each other quite nerdily]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[Forming a dance line and dancing together]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [a beautiful singing voice bursts from his lungs]
TAKE ME DANCIN’ TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages: [doing a spectacular choreographed dance]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
Link:
Don’t you DAAARE leave me hangin’ on like a yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yoaaaah!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
Link:
TAKE ME DANCIIIIN’!
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
Link:
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
All:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link:
AND TAKE ME DANCIN’ TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
YEAAAAAAAAAH, YEAAAAAAA-
[And suddenly, in a great burst of light, the entire chorus, dance line and extra special effects as well as the Sages disappear, and Link is left standing (with his normal, sexy face back) with his arms up and his mouth wide open with the finishing note, Zelda and Navi crumpled behind him in exhaustion.]
Link:
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-[cough] AACK! GACKACKACKACKACAK! COUGHWHEEZEDIE!
GANON: [panting with exhaustion and a bit of relief at the other side of the arena]
Navi: Link! Are you okay?!
Link: [clutching his forehead] I… I think so… what came over me?
[Zelda and Navi look at one another.]
Navi: Um… I think you’d rather not know that at this point, honey.
Link: [pauses and shrugs] Okay!
Zelda: LOOK! The Evil King! He’s completely exhausted!
GANON: [quickly drinking an ultra-large Gerbilade]
Zelda: Link, hurry! [slaps him on the back] It’s almost over! With the Sacred Sword… you must run over and deliver the final blow!
Link: [stumbles forward, towards GANON with his sword drawn] Okay… I think I can do that…
[GANON and Link eye each other, as now Link is close enough to stab him.]
Link: Well… [coughs] It’s been fun, Ganondorf, but… You knew good would triumph in the end, didn’t you?
GANON: [roars right in Link’s face] GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!
Link: [now covered with GANON-spit] You gave it your best shot, man, and I give you props for that. Sorry, but I have to “kill” you now! But don’t worry- Nintendo will always find some way to bring you back!
GANON: GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAARGGGH!
Link: [raises the sword to triumphant music] TOODLES, GANNY-DOODLE!
GANON: GREREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
[Link then pokes GANON very lightly with the sword, which sends the giant pig dinosaur into another thrashing fit. Zelda drops to her knees and raises her hands.]
Zelda: SIX SAGES! NOW!
[The stage erupts in a burst of white smoke and the Six Sages appear from trap doors in the stage, all at attention and in front of the smoke… so it’s dramatic, see?]
Rauru: ANCIENT CREATORS OF HYRULE!
Darunia: Who?
Nabooru: THAT’S US! SHH!
Darunia: Oh, sorry!
Rauru: NOW, WITH THE POWERS YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH… LET US OPEN THE SEALED DOOR AND LOCK THE EVIL KING IN THE SACRED REALM FOREVER!
[Triumphant music starts up.]
Rauru: [strikes a pose] Light!
Saria: [ditto] Forest!
Darunia: [ditto] Fire!
Ruto: [ditto] Water!
Impa: [ditto] Shadow!
Nabooru: [ditto] Spirit!
All Six: [as riveting music starts up]
GO, SIX SAGES, HYRULE GO!
DAT DA DAAAA DADA DAT-DA, DUN DA-DA DAAAAA!
GO, SIX SAGES, HYRULE GO!
[And through the most remarkable of wire-team techniques, the five Sages (Darunia’s team has trouble for a moment, but finally he flies about a foot off the ground) soar into the air and glow their respective color, while the smoke onstage clears to reveal GANON, still thrashing about. Through another several million-dollar series of special effects, GANON turns back into Ganondorf and suddenly he is suspended in mid-air as well, but it looks like he is being sucked downwards]
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS CAN’T BEEEEE! MY GOAT PIG DINOSAUR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABSOLUTELY UNDEFEATABLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [stops screaming] Snargles, come!
Snargles: [leaps into Ganondorf’s arms] Maw.
Ganondorf: [stuffs the cat into his pocket as he gives his last monologue] THIS CANNOT BE! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU, ZELDA!
Zelda: [from within the smoke] Screw you too, Ganon-DORK!
Ganondorf: [booming, evil voice] CURSE YOU SAGES [then rushed] EXCEPTFORIMPAISTILLLOVEYOUMYDARLING!
Sages: [thumb their noses at Ganondorf from on high]
Ganondorf: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE YOU LIIIIIIINK!
Link: Thank you!
Navi: [nudges him]
Link: … Oh, CURSE YOU TOO, BUTTGNOME!
Ganondorf: AND MOST OF ALL… [screams very loudly] CURSE YOU, GEORGE MICHAEL!
George Michael: [conveniently in the audience, flips Ganondorf the bird]
Ganondorf: SOMEDAY, WHEN I ESCAPE FROM THIS WRETCHED PRISON YOU’RE ABOUT TO LOCK ME IN! THAT IS WHEN I WILL EXTERMINATE YOUR DESCENDANTS!
Link: Our DESCENDANTS? Oh, who gives a crap about THEM?
All: [laugh heartily]
Ganondorf: THEN THAT IS WHEN I WILL CAUSE A GLOBAL FLOOD THAT FOR SOME REASON, CEL-SHADES EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD! IT IS THEN WHEN I WILL KIDNAP RANDOM GIRLS IN THE HOPES THAT ONE OF THEM IS YOUR REINCARNATION, ZELDA, AND I WILL EAT MANY PORK RINDS AND GROW VERY, VERY FAT! FWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! AND I MAY ALSO MAKE A CAMEO IN THE SEQUEL TO SUPER SMASH BROTHERS IN WHICH I WILL BE ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE, YET MANY, MANY TIMES COOLER THAN CAPTAIN FALCOLN! SEE YOU IN GAMECUBE HELL, YOU LOSERS! FWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!
[All the lights onstage go out and we hear a sucking noise and Ganondorf screaming, as he is most certainly locked away in the Sacred Realm now. In the light mist that covers the stage, suddenly we see a woman’s silhouette, standing along, singing in a beautiful voice.]
Impa: [to “My Heart Will Go On”… AKA, the Titanic song]
Every night in my dreams…
I see you…
I feel you…
That is how I know you…
Go on…
Ganondorf: [in a deep, pretty voice, appears on stage, stepping towards her slowly]
Far across the distance…
And spaces…
Between us…
You have come to show you…
Go on…
Impa:
Near…
Ganondorf:
Far!
Both:
WHEREVER YOU ARE…
I BELIEVE THAT… THE HEART DOES… GO ON…
Impa:
Once…
Ganondorf:
More!
Both:
YOU OPEN THE DOOR…
AND YOU’RE HERE IN MY HEART AND…
MY HEART WILL GO-
[Music stops suddenly]
Director: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU TWO ARE DOING?!
Ganondorf: … Ah… erm… touching love theme?
Director: Wrong fanfic, bub. This song belongs in “Never My Destiny”! It and many other fine fanfics can be found in Galaxy Girl’s profile, y’know.
[The Self-Insertion sign drops down once again and Ganondorf, Impa and the director look at it, nodding their approval.]
Director: Now get back in the damn Sacred Realm!
Impa: Yes, and stop touching me!
[She kicks him in the groin and then he falls through a trap door, in a completely unconvincing redo of the “locking in the Sacred Realm” scene.]
Ganondorf: OW! I’LL BE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! [crashing noise] DAMMIT! MY SPLEEN!
(Scene: Magical Floaty World! Link, Navi and Zelda are floating through a dark stage, with the occasional little sparkle of glitter floating around them as well.)
Link: [whining] Am I done NOW?
Zelda: I… think so.
Navi: So NOW where are we going?
Zelda: The Grand Finale!
Link: Ooooooh… sounds like fun!
Zelda: But that’s not until next chapter.
Link: … WHAT?!
Zelda: Yeeeah, so we’re just going float up to Climactic Cloud Place in between chapters… and I guess that scene’ll be in with the Grand Finale next chapter.
Link: What a RIP OFF!
Navi: No, wait… there’s a bright light shining from a few pages below us.
Link: What is it? The rest of the story?
Zelda: That damn self-insertion sign again?
Navi: … No, I think it’s an omake.
Link: Oh. At LEAST.
Zelda: Well… erm… [faces the audience] You folks enjoy that omake down there, then, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter too, as much sense as it made… None, that is.
Navi: SEE YOU IN THE FINALE, EVERYONE! ^__^ [blows a kiss]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-
Ganondorf: NOT YET IT’S NOT!
(Scene: The inside of the Temple of Time. Ganondorf has somehow hooked up an A/V link to the inside of the Sacred Realm, and he is broadcasting an image of himself with a microphone on a large TV on the other side of the Door of Time)
Ganondorf: Before I was so RUDELY INTERRUPTED by that fat-ass director… I thought I ought to go out of this musical with a bang. That is, with one last song dedicated to my dear sweet darling sweetheart… Impa… Who is, by convenience, standing over there!
Impa: [has just walked into the Temple, freezes when she sees the TV] … DAMN!
Ganondorf: This song is for YOU, darling!
Impa: [facepalms, and sighs heavily]
[Soft, soulful music starts up in the background. Why, it’s “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal! It was in Batman Forever, you remember? I’m sure you’ve heard it at some point. Ganondorf holds up his microphone, snaps his fingers to turn off the lights in the Sacred Realm, and sings soulfully as a spotlight shines down on him.]
Ganondorf and Chorus:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ganondorf:
Theeeere
Was this sexy chick in high school, a sweet Sheikah maid
Sheeeee became
A minor obsession for me…
Partially…
The reason that I went crazy
And did you know?
To school I’d go
Hang her picture in my locker
Gaze at it and sigh longingly…
[Dramatic violin strings pick up]
Ganondorf: [really belting it out]
IMPAAAAAAAAAAA!
I COMPARE YOU TO A BURGER WITH EXTRA MAYONAISE!
OOH, THE BEAUTY OF THE THING CAN’T BE GIVEN WORDS, YEAH!
AND THOUGH I’M NOW LOCKED IN THIS ROOM!
YOUR FACE LIGHTS THE GLOOM EVERY DAY!
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
[Suddenly, Ganondorf is interrupted by Impa, who has grabbed her own karaoke microphone and is singing quite well in her own right back to him, near the TV.]
Impa:
Theeeeere
Was this cocky little asshole when I was at school
Geruuuuudo dude
QUITE AWKWARD, PATHETIC, AND LAME!
Ganondorf:
Aw, babaaaaayyy…
Impa:
To me it wasn’t a wonder no one would ask him out
Stupidly I felt sorry for him, maybe…
And did you know?
That date he showed
His tendency for evil
And the fact that he wasn’t for me…
[More dramatic violin strings]
Impa:
NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
EVERY TIME I SEE THAT BIG GIANT NOSE, I FEEL SICK!
OOH, YOU KNOW I’D NEVER EVER GO OUT WITH YOU AGAIN!
AND YET, THOUGH YOU’RE OUT OF THIS LAND!
THE RESTRAINING ORDER STILL STANDS!
Chorus Singers:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ganondorf: [pleading to her]
Come… on!
You can get me out of here!
Impa:
You might as well
Stop asking, I’m not listening…
Ganondorf:
But we…
Know each other from high school!
Impa: I won’t make it fall!
Ganondorf:
Get me…
Impa:
Get over it!
I won’t let you out of that DOOR!
Ganondorf: [back on the regular melody]
There is so much a man like me could offer a girl like you
And youuuuu remain-
THE SOURCE OF A LOT OF MY PAIN!
Chorus Singers:
MOSTLY IN THE GROIN!
Ganondorf:
To me you’re like almost a sister, but I wouldn’t mind
To get to know you little… better, baby…
Impa:
Stop trying now.
You stupid cow.
I’d rather cut out both my kidneys than date you anyhow…
Ganondorf:
BUT BAYBAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC IS THE FOUNDER OF GISOA!
OOOOH, SOONER OR LATER YOU’LL BE AFTER MY BODY AGAIN!
Impa:
Let’s just say if that day comes
I’ll beat her until she goes numb!
‘CUZ I COMPARE YOU TO A BAD CASE OF FOOD POISONING!
Ooooh, THE MORE OF YOU I SEE THE SICKER I FEEL, YEEEEAH!
Ganondorf:
Tell that to the author, you see.
In her other fics you end up with me!
Chorus Singers:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Impa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ganondorf: [finishes out the song very soulfully]
In all other fics by GG…
At the end… you end…
UP… WITH… MEEEEE!
FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!
[Ganondorf settles down his maniacal laughter and crosses his arms.]
Ganondorf: What do you have to say to that, Impy-Wuvvy, my-
[He looks out of the TV. Impa’s microphone is on the ground and there is an Impa-shaped hole in the wall directly behind him.
Ganondorf: … CURSES! FOILED AGAIN! [he spikes his microphone off of the TV screen; it bounces back and brains him] OWIEEEEEE! SNARGLES, GET DADDY A BANDAID!
Snargles: Mawwww!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Maimed by Galaxy Girl!
CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT: The Cataclysmic Final Battle of Great Suspense! SUSPENSE!! SUSPENSE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! CAN YOU FEEL YOUR BLOOD BOILING, YOUR GUT TWISTING AND YOUR PANTS WETTING AT THE EXCITING SUSPENSE?! OH, YOU KNOW IT, EVEN THOUGH WE AAAAALL KNOW HOW OCARINA OF TIME ENDS, YOU’RE JUST ON PINS AND NEEDLES WAITING FOR ME TO GET DONE WITH THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG TITLE AND INTO THE CHAPTER! … SUSPENSE!
In this scene…
Link, the Mighty (cough) Hero of Time!
Navi, the Legendary Guardian Fairy!
Zelda, the Seventh Sage and Princess of Hyrule!
Ganondorf, the Great King o’ Evil!
GANON [DUN DUN DUN DUNNN…], Freaky Pig Thing of EVIL!
The Six Sages!
The Director!
And a special guest star!
A/N: Heeyyy guys! ^_^;; Holy crap… here we are, one chapter away from the grand finale (to take place in 29)! A big fat huge thank you cookie of love to everyone who’s had the willpower to read this massive piece of crap since the very beginning, and a second cookie to everyone who’s had the kindness to leave a nice review for each chapter. A third cookie to anyone who still read, even though they didn’t know ANY of the songs I used, and take a third cookie all of you who did know, too. ^_^
Anyhoo, like I just said, chapter 29 will be the grand finale of Hey, OCARINA! complete with dance lines, pyrotechnics and a climactic scene involving me dealing with the RIAA, once and for ALL. But don’t drop off after that- like I promised, there will be a chapter 30. Chapter 30 will be the Big Fat Don’t Sue Me Chapter full o’ bonuses! Along with a detailed list of all the songs I used and their artists (in case you’d like to find them for yourselves), chapter 30 will feature some of my famous outtakes, deleted scenes, bonus song parodies you won’t find anywhere else, random idiocy, and even a trivia quiz!
Also, if you have any questions about me or about the fic you’d like to ask and have answered in that chapter, leave them in your review (along with a comment about the actual fic… pleeeease people, I THRIIIVE on comments!)
So STICK AROUND AFTER THE CREDITS ROLL, BOYS AND GIRLS. AUNTIE GG’S GOT QUITE A RIDE IN STORE FOR YA!
PS: Don’t mind that I borrowed him, SSJ! ^_~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
(Scene: The torched ruins of what used to be Ganondorf’s Outer Upper Inner Lower Middle Inner Upper… oh, for the love of… GANONDORF’S TOWER. The party that we left off on last chapter has long since ended, and our three heroes, Link, Zelda and Navi sit on bits of rubble off towards the edge of the big floaty island thing, roasting marshmallows from nowhere over flaming, shrapneled bits of the tower.)
Link: [pulls Zelda’s marshmallow out of the fire] Now now! You only want it in until it turns a nice golden brown… Crispy on the outside, melty and gooey and tasty on the inside!
Zelda: Like this? [pulls out a flaming marshmallow]
Navi: Looks like my cousin Phil…
Link: Erm… Kinda… [stares in awe at the flames engulfing and destroying Zelda’s poor marshmallow]
Zelda: … Oh, poopie, I burned it.
Navi: [sniffles] Cousin Phil went the same way…
Link: So, um… Zelda… can I ask?
Zelda: [blowing on her marshmallow] Ask what?
Link: So… I awakened the Six Sages, right?
Zelda: Mmhmm… [waves her now-flaming stick around]
Link: And I defeated the Evil King Ganondorf with their help, right?
Zelda: Yep…
Link: Okay… and I saved Hyrule, right?
Zelda: Pretty much!
Link: Okay, then… can I ask?
Zelda: Ask away.
Link: [places his hands on his hips] Why have we been waiting here on this chunk of rubble for six hours?
Zelda: [glances at him indignantly] Well, OBVIOUSLY, Link. Look where we are! A giant, scientifically impossible floating island over a pit of hot liquid magma.
Link: Yeah…?
Zelda: You wanna try JUMPING?
Link: [sighs] But I’m sick of sitting here and I wanna go pee-pee, but you GIRLS are in the way!
Zelda: We’ll just have to wait here until we are retrieved by our valiant rescue crew!
Link: WHAT rescue crew?
Zelda: The rescue crew that will come and rescue us when they hear of our heroic valor and our totally lopsided defeat of Evil King Ganondorf!
Navi: LOPSIDED? [giggles] Link got his ass handed to him!
Link: I did NOT! If it weren’t for the sacrifice of my dear sweet Hy-
Navi: [covers Link’s mouth] NO MORE OF THAT JOKE. PLEASE. I’VE HAD ENOUGH.
Zelda: Nine chapters, for the love of Din! NINE CHAPTERS.
Link: Hmmph… [crosses his arms] SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR HEROES ANYMORE!
Navi: Link, you ARE the hero.
Link: … Oh yeah. Then… WHY HAVE I BEEN TRAPPED ON A FLOATING ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEA OF MOLTEN LAVA FOR THE PAST TEN HOURS?!
Navi: You said six a minute ago.
Link: [yanks at his hair] IT’S STILL BEEN TOO LONG! WHY CAN’T WE LEAVE?!
Zelda: [calmly] I told you! Our rescue crew hasn’t arrived with the ticker-tape parade yet.
Link: Ticker-tape parade?
Zelda: Well, YEAH! It’s my first public reappearance in Hyrule since Ganondorf smoked my daddy! And it’s your debut to your adoring public as the Hero of Time! I expect there’ll be a HUUUUGE parade.
Link: [eyes light up] A PARAAADE?!
Zelda: Yes, yes, with lots of music!
Link: [getting all giddy] Music!? MUSIC!! YAY!
Zelda: And tons of food!
Link: WHAT KIND OF FOOD?!
Zelda: [hops up and down like a schoolgirl] ONLY THE BEST! Funnel cakes and apple pies and snow cones and candy and ice cream and a big huge barbecue!
Link: I LOVE SNOW CONES!
Zelda: [squealing] YES, AND THEN WE’LL GET MEDALS! BIG, SHINY MEDALS!
Link: I LOVE SHINY!
Zelda: YES, AND WE’LL HAVE STATUES BUILT OF US AND WE’LL HAVE OUR PICTURES ON POSTAGE STAMPS AND GREETING CARDS AND ACTION FIGURES!
Link: [looks adoring] ACTION FIGURES, YAYEEE!
Navi: Hey guys?
Link and Zelda: WHAT?!
Navi: How is your rescue party going to know you’re here?
Zelda: EASY! Ganondorf’s DEAD! That’s gotta be BIG NEWS!
Navi: … Zelda, Ganondorf was the media. There ARE no newspapers anymore! No one knows we’re here… no one probably even knows that Ganondorf’s dead yet!
[OR IS HE?! No, he’s not. But play along like he is.]
Zelda: … Well DRAT! This puts a severe hitch in my plan!
Link: How so?
Zelda: How so? So, like… WE’RE GOING TO BE STUCK ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND THINGY UNTIL WE ROT!
Link: NOOOOOOO! I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO ROT!
Zelda: You?! Hush about you! I’m the freaking heir to the throne! ALL OF HYRULE WILL PLUNGE INTO DARKNESS IF I DIE!
[Link and Navi are staring at her.]
Zelda: Well, er… plunge into darkness AGAIN, for that matter.
Navi: Jeez you guys… RELAX. I’m sure we’re not STUCK here. The Sages can bail us out, right? With their mystical RAINBOW BRIDGE building powers!
Link: Yeah, yeah… [mumbling a bit incoherently, sits on a rock] Any minute now, the Sages will build us a mystical rainbow bridge and set us free of this floating magma prison…
[Quick cut-scene of the H,O Staff Lounge, where the Six Sages are currently engaged in a very rowdy party involving lots of liquor, meatball Spaghetti-Os, and several lampshades.]
[Back to the rubble. Link, Zelda and Navi are sitting there, staring back and forth to each other and sighing heavily every few seconds.]
Zelda: This is ridiculous. We’re four pages into the chapter already… SOMETHING has got to happen soon!
Link: Should we maybe sing?
Navi: About what?
Link: Um… I dunno… uh… Monkeys?
Zelda: … WHAT?
Link: Monkeys! Monkeys are cute and furry and they eat bananas! [grins idiotically]
Zelda: … I think you need a vacation, Link. All this Hero of Time business hasn’t been good for your psychological health.
Link: [grumbling] No kidding. It’s left me with a penchant for blood and killing things, a sophomoric sense of humor only matched by my low IQ, and I HEAR VOICES ALL THE TIME!
Navi: Don’t worry Link… we’ll get you all the help you need as soon as we get out of here.
Link: [whimpers] SEE?! I’M HEARING VOICES RIGHT NOW!
Zelda: That was your fairy.
Link: … Since when did Navi become a bass?
Navi: What the hell are you talking about?
Link: If it’s YOUR voice, why do you keep saying “Ouch”?
Navi: … Ouch? I’m not saying “Ouch”!
Link: Well it’s not me!
Zelda: And it’s not me!
Link: … hmmm… who could it be?
Resounding, Very Familiar Voice: OUCH!
[All three of our heroes leap about a thousand feet in the air when they hear a voice echoing out of the smashed rubble of Ganondorf’s Castle.]
Link: …
Zelda: …
Navi: Wh-what… what was that?
Link: [whispering] You can hear it TOO?!
Zelda: [points over at the tower ruins] I-It’s coming from over there…
Navi: Wh-what could it be?
Link: [face pales considerably] DO YOU TH-THINK… IT’S…
Navi: It couldn’t be…
Zelda: [whispering in a fearful voice] It couldn’t be… GANONDORF?!
Link: [loud, freakish girl scream] AAAAAAAAGGHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Navi and Zelda: SHHHH!
[They both clamp hands over Link’s mouth while he starts crying like a little girl]
Navi: B-but that’s impossible! He can’t be… he can’t be still alive! He was DEAD! We SAW HIM DIE! He fell over and gave a dramatic speech and everything!
Zelda: [hissing under her breath] Okay… okay… okay… I could buy the top of the tower caving in into a perfectly flat surface and patching up all the holes… I could buy Ganondorf’s last breath going off five minutes after he dropped dead… I could buy the entire castle flattening into a large floating island over a pit of lava… but [now screaming] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WILL EVER BUY THAT A MAN COULD GO TOPPLING OFF OF THE TOP OF A CRUMBLING TOWER, BE SMASHED IN THE RUINS, LAY THERE TO ROT FOR A GOOD SIX OR SO HOURS, AND THEN STILL BE ALIVE! IT’S NOT POSSIBLE! IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HEAVEN OR ON EARTH THAT ANYBODY, VIDEO GAME NERD OR NOT, CAN FANWANK THAT INTO MAKING SENSE! GANONDORF SHOULD BE DEAD! DEAD! DEAD AS A DOORNAIL, DEAD AS DISCO, DEAD AS MY FATHER, DEAD AS THE COMMODORE 64 SYSTEM, DEAD AS LINK’S SANITY, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Navi: Well, um… he DID have the Triforce and all.
Zelda: … GAAAAHHHH! [breaks down into a little sobbing lump on the ground]
Navi: … hokay. Considering I’m the only one of us with at least partial sanity left, guess I’m going to have to take charge here.
Link: [blubbering wussily]
Navi: Link… Link, ol’ buddy ol’ pal… [flies down in his face] You know what we gotta do, honey.
Link: NOOOO! NONONONONONONOOO! I WAS DONE! I WAS DOOOONE!
Navi: Yes, yes sweetie… we know you were done and I know you just wanna go home and maybe hang out with a lot of your fangirls, but we have another job to do!
Link: Yeeeeees… [whimpers]
Navi: Come on now, Link… You’re the Hero of Time! You should be JUMPING at the chance to fight another battle!
Link: Navi, I got my ASS HANDED TO ME before! I can’t do it! I can’t fight anymore, I caaaaaaan’t!
Navi: YES YOU CAN, BY GUMMI! As your guardian fairy, I will not sit here and listen to you bitch and whine and moan any longer! Hymie did not sacrifice his after-life to you so you could run away like a sissymary chickenwussy! You are going to stand up, fix your pants, march on over there and check out what that sound is!
Link: [sniffles again, then stands up, amid triumphant music] Yes… yes, you’re right, Navi… I have to be brave for Hymie…
Zelda: [crossing her arms] So you’ll do it for your dead pet fish… but you won’t do it for ME?!
Link: [snorts at Zelda] Yeah, Zelda… it’s OVER between us, okay? If you can’t turn into a male ninja anymore, I’m just not interested.
Zelda: [incredulously] WHAAAA-
Navi: [cuts her off] Please… just… DON’T ASK.
Link: [ignoring them both, already deep in Monologue Land] It was such a satisfying feeling that rushed over me… the knowledge that I had come full circle in my story and saved the world, finally able to rest… And now I know that my happy ending is not so far away! With my friends, the Sages and my dead pet fish standing by me, I do have the power I need to finish my story! But there is only one more task I have to do… ONE MORE MISSION I MUST UNDERTAKE! I must search deep within myself, march off to an uncertain future, and investigate the source of this scary and quite unusual noise! I COULD CHICKEN OUT! I COULD PEE MY PANTS! I COULD DO ANY NUMBER OF THINGS BUT ABOVE ALL, I WILL GO OVER THERE AND CHECK OUT THAT NOISE… BECAUSE I, AM THE HERO OF-
Zelda: WILL YOU JUST GO ALREADY?! [kicks him in the butt]
Link: Owie! [rubs his butt and draws his sword as he heads towards the big pile of rubble] Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess…
Navi: AH! [quickly covers Link’s mouth] THOU SHALT NOT QUOTE THE OLD CARTOON!
Link: … There was a cartoon?
Navi: WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT.
Link: … Ah. Ooookee.
[As Zelda sits behind to wait uselessly for Link to do all the dirty work, he (closely followed by Navi) carefully saunters off towards the huge pile of rubble in the center of the almost TOO perfectly formed “battle arena”. Scary, suspenseful music plays in the background]
Link: Wh-what do you think that noise was?
Navi: Ganondorf, probably…
Link: But don’t you think Zelda has a point? I mean… he should be dead… right?
Navi: Zelda’s obviously never played a video game. The bad guy NEVER goes down in one round. NEVER. They always come back big as life and twice as ugly, and more than likely with wings and a full-choir theme song with organ accompaniment.
[Suspenseful pizzicato violin strings play as Link and Navi very slowly make their way towards the large pile of rubble in the center of the floaty island of doom. Every time there is a strange noise, one or the other gasps loudly and leaps at the other for protection… and it takes a very, very long time. Finally, Link stands before the pile of rubble, listening to a faint groaning noise coming out from under one of the huge rocks.]
Link: [whispers to Navi] The voice is coming out from under THIS… ROCK. [points at it with the Master Sword]
Navi: [whispers back] Well, what are you waiting for? Lift it up!
Link: B-but what happens when Ganondorf leers at me from underneath it, covered in blood, big as life and twice as ugly with Final Fantasy bad guy wings and organ music?!
Navi: Um… well, either you kick him in the fact and proceed to defeat him, or you run screaming like a little girl.
Link: [seems to be thinking very hard about this] Decisions, decisions.
Navi: Just lift up the rock, Link! There’s always the chance it might NOT be Ganondorf!
Link: Oh who else would it be?
Navi: That Redead from the bridge?
Link: [pales] THAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE.
Navi: Well… erm… [pokes him] Go ahead, lift up the rock!
Link: O-Okay…
[Extremely suspenseful music plays in the background as Link very slowly leans down, takes a firm grip on the rock, and very slowly, very carefully lifts it up to reveal in a blasting crescendo of noise…]
Link and Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
Small Pink Kitten: … Mawww?
[The music all cuts out and Link stares at the most adorable pink kitten ever to grace this planet, his fur just a little dirty from the tower’s crash and his big, cute, button-eyes making the cute puppy- er… kitten face, in this case.]
Navi: … the HELL?
Link: … A kitty?
Kitten: Mewwwww! [soul-melting pleading glance]
Link and Navi: … [glance at each other] … AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Kitten: Mawww! ^_^
Link: [scoops up the kitten in his arms and pets it gently] What a KYOOOOOOOT WITTLE KITTY! AWWWWWWW! Did you survive that big nasty crash, little guy? Awwwwwwww! Were you kidnapped by that BAD, NASTY, UGLY, POOPY-PANTS GANONDORF, you SWEET LITTLE THING?!
Kitten: [meows adorably and plays with Link’s shirt with one paw] Mew!
Navi: Awwww! [buzzes around] Well, THAT’S a relief… it’s just a cute little kitten, not Ganondorf returned to life or anything like that…
Zelda: [yelling] WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON OVER THERE?!
Link: [yells back, turns to head back towards Zelda] DON’T WORRY ZELDA, IT’S JUST A CUTE LITTLE-
Menacing Voice Accompanied by a Creepy Green Hand Grabbing Link’s Ankle: SNARGLES!
[PSYCHO MUSIC!!! REEE REEE REEE REEE REEEEEEE!]
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH! [throws his arms up and sends Snargles the kitten flying]
Navi: YAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! BIG AS LIFE AND TWICE AS UGLY! [pointing frantically at the rubble]
[Sure enough, the large rock NEXT to where Snargles was hidden overturns itself and beneath it is Ganondorf, glaring venomously at Link and grabbing him by the ankle with one hand]
Link: AAAAAAGGGH! [stomps at Ganondorf’s hand with his other foot] OFF OFF OFF PEDOPHILE DIE DIE DIE!
Ganondorf: [menacing voice as he rockets out of the rubble, floating in midair] RELEASE MY KITTEN AT ONCE, YOU PUNK ASS PAIN IN THE NECK! I’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF HURT YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!
Snargles: Maww! [has since run off and magically found his way off of the Floaty Rubble of Doom- no animals were harmed in the making of this musical. Erm… except Hymie.]
Zelda: AIEEEEEEE!
[Extremely dramatic music plays very loudly as Link and Navi quickly back away from Ganondorf, floating in midair with little chunks of rubble floating all around him in a burst of electrical magic, glowing creepy eyes, and a brand new baritone voice complete with scary echo! No FF-bad guy wings yet, though.]
Ganondorf: [generally sounding pissed off] YOU FOOLS BREAK INTO MY TEMPLES! YOU KILL MY DEMONIC HOARDS! YOU FREE THE SAGES, YOU SNEAK INTO MY HOME, YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF MY EVIL POWERS, YOU KILL ME, YOU CRUSH MY TOWER AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO THINK THAT I WON’T GET REVENGE!? YOUUUUU STUPID INSIGNIFICANT MAGGOTS!
Navi: [commenting under her breath] What IS it with bad guys calling the heroes “insignificant” in the last battle?
Link: [freaking out] NOT A GOOD TIME FOR THE PEANUT GALLERY, NAVI!
Ganondorf: [points an accusatory finger at Link] BUT NOW YOU’VE ROASTED YOUR LAST MARSHMALLOW! YOU’VE PET YOUR LAST KITTEN, HERO OF TIME! BECAUSE THOUGH I WAS STRONG BEFORE, I HAD BARELY BEGUN TO TAP INTO THE POWER OF THE TRIFORCE OF… POWER! THIS TIME, I WILL UNLEASH MY FULL STRENGTH AND FURY UPON YOU AND CRUSH YOU INTO ITTY BITTY BISHIE BITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR BIGGEST FANGIRL FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!
Zelda: [blushing indignantly] I AM NOT HIS BIGGEST FANGIRL!
Ganondorf: [crosses his arms and speaks in a normal voice, just for a second] Are you kidding me? The entire time I had you kidnapped, all you could to is go, “OH LINK, MY DARLING LOVE, WHEN WILL YOU RIDE TO ME AND RESCUE ME LIKE A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?!”
Zelda: [eye twitch] I didn’t say it like that! I’m not THAT big of a fangirl!
Ganondorf: You have his face tattooed on your cleavage. Of COURSE you’re THAT BIG OF A FANGIRL!
Zelda: [turns BRIGHT red] SHUT UP, YOU BUTTNUGGET!
Link: … [turns to Zelda] Can I see?
Navi: [THWACKS him in the back of the head] LINK!
Link: Ow! [rubs his head] Don’t I get a last request?
Navi: … Wait a sec. How does HE [points at Ganondorf] know about a tattoo on your cleavage, Zelda?
Zelda: I DON’T HAVE A TATTOO ON MY CLEAVAGE!
Ganondorf: [the voice changer is back] OH PUH-LEEEEEASE. I’M A BAD GUY! OF COURSE I’M ALSO A PEEPING TOM!
Zelda: [mortified, just curls up in a little ball] Just KILL HIM NOW, Link.
Link: Erm… OKAY! [tightens his grip on his sword] NOW PREPARE YOURSELF TO DIE A MOST HORRIBLE DEATH, GREAT KING OF EVIL!
Ganondorf: YOU FIRST, WUSSY-BOY! CHORUS SINGERS, IF YOU PLEASE, MY REMIX?
Chorus Singers: [burst back with another rendition of “One-Winged Angel”.]
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Ganondorf: THANK YOU. AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU- GRRRAGGGGH!
[Holding up his left hand, the Triforce of Power glows gold and evil (is that possible?) and Ganondorf is suddenly consumed by a shiny blue light and right before our heroes’ eyes, he transforms into a bloodthirsty, vicious, 10-foot-tall, 1000-pound PIG-GOAT-DINOSAUR THING! Oh, you think I’m kidding? Go look at the game. He has a little piggy nose. BUT ANYWAY! Landing on the ground, roaring quite loudly and slashing around a pair of nastily ouch-looking swords, Ganondorf has transformed into GANON!]
GANON: [snorting out an evil roar] GREAAAGGGGGHHH!
[Link stands perfectly still, staring at GANON. Then he makes an odd face and turns to Navi.]
Link: Well, I’ve just soiled myself.
Navi: … Holy-
[Navi is cut off as GANON, swinging his swords wildly in an attempt to make mincemeat out of our heroes, is just barely stopped from killing them both by a spastic blocking motion by Link. The Master Sword goes flying out of his hand and lands sticking into the ground (oh, how convenient!) on the other side of a large and conspicuously placed ring of fire, right near Zelda. Who screams, as always.]
Zelda: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Link: … [eyes GANON one more time] …
Navi: Ah… Link! You shouldn’t have eaten all those pork rinds; they made your hands slippery!
Link: [panicking] DAMN YOU SKINS OF PORK!
GANON: GREEARRRRGGGGH! [charges at Link in an attempt to filet him]
Link: Excuse me, Navi…
Navi: What are you gonna do?
Link: [panicky voice] RUN AND SCREAM LIKE A GIRL! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
[The Chorus Singers burst into their new rendition of “One-Winged Angel” as GANON chases Link around in circles on the big floaty island of doom. Zelda stands uselessly off to one side, screaming every so often, but her screaming is NOTHING compared to Link’s. He is yelling like a 6-year-old in a haunted house.]
Link: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
GANON: GRAAARRRGGGH! [close behind!]
Navi: RUN LINK, RUN!
Chorus Singers:
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE COULDN’T LOOK FREAKIER!
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE COULDN’T LOOK FREAKIER!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
NOW HE IS A BIG MUTANT PIG SORT OF THING!
NOW HE IS A BIG MUTANT PIG SORT OF THING!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Link: [panting heavily as he dives and dodges over large chunks of rubble] MUST RUN! MUST RUN! MUST RUN!
Navi: LINK, BEHIND YOU!
Link: YIPES! [leaps out of the way just in time to avoid being chopped in half]
GANON: GREEARRRRGGGHHHHGYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Zelda: LINK! THAT’S NO WAY FOR A HERO OF TIME TO BEHAVE! TURN AROUND AND FACE HIM!
Link: YOU HAVE MY SACRED SWORD! THROW IT TO ME!
Zelda: … [eyes it] … Nah, it’s got cooties.
Link: [stops in front of her, just briefly] WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH-
GANON: RARR!
Link: MOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! [flees again]
Chorus Singers:
NOW HE’S GOT SWORDS!
THEY’RE REALLY BIG!
NOW FEAR HIS WRATH!
DINOSAUR PIG!
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE STEROIDS, KIDS!
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE STEROIDS, KIDS!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh…
AAAAH!
[A riveting orchestration plays as Link finally stops running around in circles- after about 42 times of doing so.]
Link: Wait a second!
Navi: WE DON’T HAVE A SECOND!
Link: Why am I running? I’m not unarmed! I have THE BIGGY! It’s about TEN TIMES COOLER than the Master Sword anyway!
Navi: … Y’know, that’s a good point!
Link: [turns around] I’M DONE RUNNING, GANON!
GANON: GREEAGGGH! [charges]
Link: TIME TO GET BIGGY WITH IT! WOOT! [whips out the Biggy, and lightning strikes!]
Chorus Singers:
RUNNING, RUNNING WOULD BE GOOD
RUNNING IS ADVISABLE
SCREAMING, SCREAMING LIKE YOU SHOULD
SCREAMING IS ADVISABLE
RUNNING, RUNNING WOULD BE GOOD
RUNNING IS ADVISABLE
SCREAMING, SCREAMING LIKE YOU SHOULD
SCREAMING IS ADVISABLE
Female Chorus Singers: [as the males repeat that top part]
THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN ESCAPE HIM!
ON THIS FLOATY ISLAND OF DOOM!
YOU MUST TURN AROUND AND FACE HIM!
MAKE THAT EVIL KING GO “BOOM”!
AND PROVE YOU REALLY ARE A HERO
AND SECURE YOUR OTHER GAMES AND
MAKE SURE THAT A “CHICKENWUSSY”
ISN’T WHAT THEY CALL YOUR NAME AND-
Chorus Singers:
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!
GANON: GRRRRR, BABY! [lightning strikes behind him]
Chorus Singers:
GANONDORF!
[All the music cuts out except for a lone, dramatic violin. Link stands at one side of the arena, the Biggy flung over his shoulder. GANON stands at the other, breathing heavily and generally looking menacing. Finally Link speaks, yet another dramatic monologue.]
Link: I’m done running, GANON. I’m done running from you and I’m done running from my destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Link: [monologue-land dramatic music starts up] I was scared at first when I was told I’d have to undertake this quest! First the Spiritual Stones, and then the Six Sages… How could I do it, I wondered? I was just a little kid… inexperienced, and never having made my way through a rollicking musical fantasy adventure before… But along the way, I met many friends! Friends who threw their power in with mine and helped me to realize that I did have the strength! Friends like Navi… Zelda… Saria, Darunia, [gags a little bit] Ruto, Impa, Nabooru and Rauru! Friends who believed in me and as a result, helped me to believe in myself! I NOW KNOW, GANON! THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU OR THE TRIFORCE CAN DO TO DEFEAT ME! BECAUSE AS LONG AS MY FRIENDS ARE BY MY SIDE AND IN MY HEART AND AS LONG AS I DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF… I WILL NEVER BE TRULY DEFEATED! YOU CAN KNOCK MY SWORD AWAY OR TRAMPLE ME UNDERFOOT AND MASH ME TO A PULP, OR CARVE OUT MY EYES OR BREAK MY ELBOWS! YOU CAN SPLIT MY KNEECAPS AND BURN MY BODY AWAY, HACK OFF ALL MY LIMBS AND MANGLE THEM! YOU CAN SMASH MY HEAD IN AND CUT OUT MY HEART AND HAVE MY LIVER REMOVED AND MY BOWELS UNPLUGGED AND MY NOSTRILS RAPED AND MY-
Navi: [cuts him off] That’s enough, “Sir Robin”.
Link: [totally ignoring Navi] I KNOW NOW, GANON… THAT THE POWER I WAS LOOKING FOR TO DEFEAT YOU HAS BEEN WITHIN ME ALL THIS TIME! I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE HONED MY SKILLS ENOUGH TO RELEASE IT! THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS AS THE HERO OF TIME AND THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW! SO… NOW, WITHOUT ANY MORE RUNNING OR CHICKENING OUT OR HUMOROUS LAPSES IN BRAIN POWER ON MY PART… I’M GOING TO USE MY NEW POWER AND DEFEAT YOU! If Zelda could please throw me the Sacred Master Sword I sort of need for this?
Zelda: [eyes the sword disdainfully] But… it’s got COOTIES on it.
Link: Oh for the love of the Goddesses, just THROW IT TO ME. Make yourself more useful than you ever were in the game and save the author having to type out yet another long battle!
Zelda: … [siiiigh] But that would be breaking the Video Game Princess Code.
Navi: Princess Code?
Zelda: Yes! All princesses must be at the most important moment, TOTALLY HELPLESS AND GOOD FOR NOTHING.
Link: [grins] How about the princess throws me my Sacred Sword right now or else she won’t ever get a chance to see me naked?
[Split seconds later, the Master Sword lands in Link’s outstretched hand.]
Link: THANK you. [turns back to GANON] And now, GANON! Thank your for sitting around scratching your butt during that whole last exchange, because now it’s time FOR ME TO UNLEASH THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS! Hymie gave the strength to defeat Ganondorf… but now, it’s all up to me to destroy GANON! SAGES, BE WITH ME! HYMIE, BE WITH ME! NAVI AND ZELDA, BE WITH ME… HYRULE BE WITH ME! THIS IS IT! IT’S TIME TO DRAW ON MY POWER ONCE AND FOR ALL!
GANON: [growls skeptically] Graaagh.
Navi: [puts her hand on Link’s shoulder] Are you sure about this, Link?! He could still crush you pretty bad and, em… No one’s ever used the Mighty Power of Musicals before and lived to tell about it…
Link: Worry not, Navi! After THAT stirring monologue, no playwright could ever have the heart to make me die!
Navi: [sniffles] You’ve grown up so much, Link!
Link: [grins charismatically] Only seven years, Navi!
Navi: [enters her own monologue mode] Well… THERE’S NO WAY he’ll hold me back with his Evil Magic O’ Darkness again! This time, we fight together! I will rush to my death by your side, Link ol’ buddy ol’ pal!
Link: Thanks Navi! Now… [sticks the Master Sword into the ground and it starts to glow blue as he kneels next to it] I’M GOING TO SUMMON ALL MY POWER AND KICK YOUR ASS, GANON! SO WAIT RIGHT THERE, JUST A SEC!
[Link starts to glow a soft blue, and Navi, Zelda and GANON gaze back and forth to each other confusedly, because it seems to take a long time.]
GANON: … Greerrgh! [stomps over as if to let Link have it while he’s distracted]
Navi: AAAAH! No-no! [slaps GANON across the face] You can’t break the Bad Guy Code!
GANON: GREEARRGGHGHAHGHHGGH!?
Navi: You have to allow the good guys all the time in the world to do their dramatic monologues and goodbye speeches, and all their magic power summoning, too.
GANON: [grumbles in an annoyed tone]
[The stage is silenced as suddenly, Link stops glowing and slumps over on the ground like he’s inconveniently fallen asleep onstage. The other three all stare at him, and Navi flies over and pokes him. He falls over on his face like he’s dead.]
Navi: … OH GOD! LINK!
Zelda: … Did he DIE?!
GANON: [laughing] GRRAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Navi: N-no… he’s gotta be sleeping or something… [pokes him again. He twitches] Link… Link? LIIIIIIIINK?
[Suddenly, Link gives a soft groan. Navi sighs immensely as he starts to pick himself up off the ground, his head lowered so we can’t see his face.]
Navi: Link! Are you okay!? What about the power, did you summon the- [flies down low enough to see his face] … AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
[Navi zips away from Link and takes cover behind Zelda.]
Zelda: [eyes Navi] So much for fighting by his side?
Navi: OH MY GOD… THAT’S… IT’S… IT’S SO… SO… HORRIBLE… THE POWER IT’S…
[Link slowly stands up, his head still lowered so we can’t see his face. He stumbles over, picks up the Master Sword and stands there for a minute, head still lowered.]
Zelda: What’s happened to him?
Navi: [sobbing] I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH… OH… POOR… POOR GANON! IT’S… IT’S SO TERRIBLE… I MIGHT… I MIGHT JUST… JUST… THROW UP, OOOHHHHHH…
Zelda: What’s the power? [squints and tries to see Link through the wall of fire]
Navi: The Mighty Power of Musicals is…
GANON: GRRRGH? [tilts his head inquisitively and tightens his grip on his swords]
Navi: The Might Power is…
Link: …
Navi: It’s…
[…]
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[… Suspenseful, isn’t it?]
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[Link looks up at GANON and MY GOD HAS HIS FACE CHANGED. He now has big, adorable anime-style eyes, rosy cheeks, a stupid cherubic grin, and generally looks disgustingly cute. GANON roars in shock, Zelda gasps, and Navi sobs quietly into Zelda’s dress.]
Zelda: DEAR GOD!
Link: … [in a very soulful voice, singing]
JITTERBUG!
Navi: THE MIGHTY POWER OF MUSICALS IS… WHAM!
[That is, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! You absolutely MUST hear this song. Once you do, your life will be changed in disturbing ways, especially if you hear it as you read this part of the musical.]
Link:
JITTERBUG!
[Link begins shimmying back and forth adorably, using the Master Sword as a cane like an old-time song and dance number.]
Link: [snaps fingers twice]
JITTERBUG!
[As he snaps his fingers, rainbow-colored lights, disco balls and huge amounts of chorus singers and costumed dancers appear behind him on a random stage, making it a BIG-TIME ULTRA-BROADWAY SPECTACULAR MUSICAL NUMBER.]
Link:
JITTERBUG!
Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOOOOOOOH!
GANON: [VERY ALARMED, starts howling in agony] GREARRRGGGHH?!
Zelda: [tearing up] The humanity!
Navi: Oh, Link… what a power you’ve come to possess!
Link: [singing as he pirouettes around in a graceful dance that is doubling its usefulness as he slashes GANON’S tail with his sword at the same time]
You put the boom-boom into my heart!
Chorus Singers:
OOH-OOH!
Link:
You send my soul sky high when your loving starts!
You send the jitterbug into my brain!
Chorus Singers:
YEAH-YEAH!
Link: [thumps his hands on his head, singing in his very best George Michael impersonation]
It goes bang-bang-bang until my feet do the same!
[As the Chorus Singers back him up, Link slides out on his knees and sings directly to GANON, who is holding his huge head in two gigantic hands and screaming like he’s got the mother-in-law of all migraines.]
Chorus Singers: [repeating]
BAH-AAAAH!
BAH-AAAAH!
Link:
But something's bugging you!
Something ain't right!
[motions to Navi] My best friend told me what you did last night!
Left me sleepin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I-
Link and Chorus Singers:
SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH YOU INSTEAD!
[Zelda and Navi make uncomfortable faces as Link prances about, dancing enthusiastically as he is backed up by chorus singers and a variety of women in sexy clothing, bright lights and disco balls flashing all around.]
Link and Chorus: [doing side steps with hand motions]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[shimmying back and forth, doing the hand jive]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [slides out on his knees, between GANON’S legs, slashing his tail again]
And take me dancin’ toniiiiiiiiight!
[he does a tricky somersault and lands up on his feet again, behind the ailing GANON]
I WANNA HIT THAT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
YEAH YEAH!
[At this point, GANON is hurriedly trying to rush out of Link’s musical nightmare, which is filling up the entirety of the ring of fire with dancing, singing, little cherubs playing guitars, confetti, bright lights and pyrotechnics. Zelda and Navi stand off to the side, clutching each other in fear. GANON slams right into the ring-of-fire, which he inconveniently made solid, and howls in agony as he tries to escape while Link launches into the next verse.]
Link:
You take the gray skies out of my way!
Chorus Singers:
OOH-OOH!
Link: [comes up behind GANON, prancing about and throwing daisies]
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day!
Turned a bright spark into a flame!
Chorus Singers:
YEAH-YEAH!
Link: [hugs GANON’S leg]
My beats per minute never been the same!
GANON: GRRAGGGH! [howling like he’s being murdered, shakes his leg to get Link off of him as Link stabs his tail over and over again]
Link: [hugging GANON and rubbing his leg]
'Cause you're my lady, I'm your fool!
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel!
Come on, baby, let's not fight!
We'll go dancing-
Link and Chorus:
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT!
[GANON finally flings Link off of him and the entranced hero lands in a spectacular handspring, gathering up his backup dancers again.]
Link and Chorus: [doing fancy elaborate tap dance]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[Can-canning]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [slides out on his knees yet again]
And take me dancin’ toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
I WANNA HIT THAT HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!
[screaming]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! BABY!
Deep-Voiced Chorus Singer:
JITTERBUG!
JITTERBUG!
[And the show erupts into an amazing and slightly nauseating display of Link dancing his little heart out to the instrumental and a veritable three-ring circus of action going on in the background. GANON clumsily tries to commit seppuku, but his swords are far too big to serve any use for that. Meanwhile, Zelda and Navi discuss.]
Navi: This is amazing! I had no ideas that musicals could be this powerful!
Zelda: There are many strange and mystifying things involved with the ancient art of the musical… Yet, their power can be… HORRIFYING.
Navi: So what’ll we do when Link’s finished?
Zelda: [makes a serious expression] We will call upon the power of the Six Sages to seal GANON away in the Sacred Realm, away from Hyrule where he can’t cause anymore trouble… But I’m afraid just Link might not be enough!
Navi: What do you mean?!
Zelda: He does have the Mighty Power of Musicals, the ancient force that can corrupt the world into a huge song and dance number at your slightest whim… but with just his voice, I don’t know if we can win…
Navi: … OF COURSE! [shakes Zelda] We’ve got to help him!
Zelda: But HOW?!
Navi: We’ll add our power to his!
Zelda: But HOW?!
Navi: Hey, come on, you’re the mystical princess. You should know these things… Just wait until the song starts again and follow my lead! Tell the Sages to do the same!
Zelda: Okaaay… I hope you know what you’re doing…
Navi: I don’t.
Zelda: Didn’t think so.
[Back in the ring of musical hell, Link stands and is strutting towards GANON West Side Story style, snapping his fingers and waving around the Master Sword as he sings]
Link:
Cuddle up, baby, move in tight!
We'll go dancing tomorrow night!
It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed!
They can dance-
Chorus Singers, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
-WE’LL STAY HOME INSTEAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
[GANON lets out a roar of horrible pain and torture as suddenly, Navi, Zelda and the Six Sages all appear in Link’s dance line, their faces also corrupted to look cherubic and happy. The Great Evil King throws a temper tantrum, thrusting his swords this way and that in a pathetic attempt to rid himself of the musical misery.]
All except GANON: [shuffling back and forth, dancing in time with each other quite nerdily]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
[Forming a dance line and dancing together]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link: [a beautiful singing voice bursts from his lungs]
TAKE ME DANCIN’ TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages: [doing a spectacular choreographed dance]
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
DON’T LEAVE ME HAAANGIN’ ON LIKE A YO-YO!
Link:
Don’t you DAAARE leave me hangin’ on like a yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yoaaaah!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
I DON’T WANNA MISS IT WHEN YOU HIT THAT HIGH!
Link:
TAKE ME DANCIIIIN’!
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Chorus, Zelda, Navi, Six Sages:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
CUZ I’M NOT PLANNIN’ ON GOIN’ SOLO!
Link:
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
All:
WAKE ME UP! BEFORE YOU GO-GO-AH!
Link:
AND TAKE ME DANCIN’ TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
YEAAAAAAAAAH, YEAAAAAAA-
[And suddenly, in a great burst of light, the entire chorus, dance line and extra special effects as well as the Sages disappear, and Link is left standing (with his normal, sexy face back) with his arms up and his mouth wide open with the finishing note, Zelda and Navi crumpled behind him in exhaustion.]
Link:
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-[cough] AACK! GACKACKACKACKACAK! COUGHWHEEZEDIE!
GANON: [panting with exhaustion and a bit of relief at the other side of the arena]
Navi: Link! Are you okay?!
Link: [clutching his forehead] I… I think so… what came over me?
[Zelda and Navi look at one another.]
Navi: Um… I think you’d rather not know that at this point, honey.
Link: [pauses and shrugs] Okay!
Zelda: LOOK! The Evil King! He’s completely exhausted!
GANON: [quickly drinking an ultra-large Gerbilade]
Zelda: Link, hurry! [slaps him on the back] It’s almost over! With the Sacred Sword… you must run over and deliver the final blow!
Link: [stumbles forward, towards GANON with his sword drawn] Okay… I think I can do that…
[GANON and Link eye each other, as now Link is close enough to stab him.]
Link: Well… [coughs] It’s been fun, Ganondorf, but… You knew good would triumph in the end, didn’t you?
GANON: [roars right in Link’s face] GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!
Link: [now covered with GANON-spit] You gave it your best shot, man, and I give you props for that. Sorry, but I have to “kill” you now! But don’t worry- Nintendo will always find some way to bring you back!
GANON: GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAARGGGH!
Link: [raises the sword to triumphant music] TOODLES, GANNY-DOODLE!
GANON: GREREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
[Link then pokes GANON very lightly with the sword, which sends the giant pig dinosaur into another thrashing fit. Zelda drops to her knees and raises her hands.]
Zelda: SIX SAGES! NOW!
[The stage erupts in a burst of white smoke and the Six Sages appear from trap doors in the stage, all at attention and in front of the smoke… so it’s dramatic, see?]
Rauru: ANCIENT CREATORS OF HYRULE!
Darunia: Who?
Nabooru: THAT’S US! SHH!
Darunia: Oh, sorry!
Rauru: NOW, WITH THE POWERS YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH… LET US OPEN THE SEALED DOOR AND LOCK THE EVIL KING IN THE SACRED REALM FOREVER!
[Triumphant music starts up.]
Rauru: [strikes a pose] Light!
Saria: [ditto] Forest!
Darunia: [ditto] Fire!
Ruto: [ditto] Water!
Impa: [ditto] Shadow!
Nabooru: [ditto] Spirit!
All Six: [as riveting music starts up]
GO, SIX SAGES, HYRULE GO!
DAT DA DAAAA DADA DAT-DA, DUN DA-DA DAAAAA!
GO, SIX SAGES, HYRULE GO!
[And through the most remarkable of wire-team techniques, the five Sages (Darunia’s team has trouble for a moment, but finally he flies about a foot off the ground) soar into the air and glow their respective color, while the smoke onstage clears to reveal GANON, still thrashing about. Through another several million-dollar series of special effects, GANON turns back into Ganondorf and suddenly he is suspended in mid-air as well, but it looks like he is being sucked downwards]
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS CAN’T BEEEEE! MY GOAT PIG DINOSAUR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABSOLUTELY UNDEFEATABLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [stops screaming] Snargles, come!
Snargles: [leaps into Ganondorf’s arms] Maw.
Ganondorf: [stuffs the cat into his pocket as he gives his last monologue] THIS CANNOT BE! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU, ZELDA!
Zelda: [from within the smoke] Screw you too, Ganon-DORK!
Ganondorf: [booming, evil voice] CURSE YOU SAGES [then rushed] EXCEPTFORIMPAISTILLLOVEYOUMYDARLING!
Sages: [thumb their noses at Ganondorf from on high]
Ganondorf: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE YOU LIIIIIIINK!
Link: Thank you!
Navi: [nudges him]
Link: … Oh, CURSE YOU TOO, BUTTGNOME!
Ganondorf: AND MOST OF ALL… [screams very loudly] CURSE YOU, GEORGE MICHAEL!
George Michael: [conveniently in the audience, flips Ganondorf the bird]
Ganondorf: SOMEDAY, WHEN I ESCAPE FROM THIS WRETCHED PRISON YOU’RE ABOUT TO LOCK ME IN! THAT IS WHEN I WILL EXTERMINATE YOUR DESCENDANTS!
Link: Our DESCENDANTS? Oh, who gives a crap about THEM?
All: [laugh heartily]
Ganondorf: THEN THAT IS WHEN I WILL CAUSE A GLOBAL FLOOD THAT FOR SOME REASON, CEL-SHADES EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD! IT IS THEN WHEN I WILL KIDNAP RANDOM GIRLS IN THE HOPES THAT ONE OF THEM IS YOUR REINCARNATION, ZELDA, AND I WILL EAT MANY PORK RINDS AND GROW VERY, VERY FAT! FWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! AND I MAY ALSO MAKE A CAMEO IN THE SEQUEL TO SUPER SMASH BROTHERS IN WHICH I WILL BE ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE, YET MANY, MANY TIMES COOLER THAN CAPTAIN FALCOLN! SEE YOU IN GAMECUBE HELL, YOU LOSERS! FWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!
[All the lights onstage go out and we hear a sucking noise and Ganondorf screaming, as he is most certainly locked away in the Sacred Realm now. In the light mist that covers the stage, suddenly we see a woman’s silhouette, standing along, singing in a beautiful voice.]
Impa: [to “My Heart Will Go On”… AKA, the Titanic song]
Every night in my dreams…
I see you…
I feel you…
That is how I know you…
Go on…
Ganondorf: [in a deep, pretty voice, appears on stage, stepping towards her slowly]
Far across the distance…
And spaces…
Between us…
You have come to show you…
Go on…
Impa:
Near…
Ganondorf:
Far!
Both:
WHEREVER YOU ARE…
I BELIEVE THAT… THE HEART DOES… GO ON…
Impa:
Once…
Ganondorf:
More!
Both:
YOU OPEN THE DOOR…
AND YOU’RE HERE IN MY HEART AND…
MY HEART WILL GO-
[Music stops suddenly]
Director: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU TWO ARE DOING?!
Ganondorf: … Ah… erm… touching love theme?
Director: Wrong fanfic, bub. This song belongs in “Never My Destiny”! It and many other fine fanfics can be found in Galaxy Girl’s profile, y’know.
[The Self-Insertion sign drops down once again and Ganondorf, Impa and the director look at it, nodding their approval.]
Director: Now get back in the damn Sacred Realm!
Impa: Yes, and stop touching me!
[She kicks him in the groin and then he falls through a trap door, in a completely unconvincing redo of the “locking in the Sacred Realm” scene.]
Ganondorf: OW! I’LL BE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! [crashing noise] DAMMIT! MY SPLEEN!
(Scene: Magical Floaty World! Link, Navi and Zelda are floating through a dark stage, with the occasional little sparkle of glitter floating around them as well.)
Link: [whining] Am I done NOW?
Zelda: I… think so.
Navi: So NOW where are we going?
Zelda: The Grand Finale!
Link: Ooooooh… sounds like fun!
Zelda: But that’s not until next chapter.
Link: … WHAT?!
Zelda: Yeeeah, so we’re just going float up to Climactic Cloud Place in between chapters… and I guess that scene’ll be in with the Grand Finale next chapter.
Link: What a RIP OFF!
Navi: No, wait… there’s a bright light shining from a few pages below us.
Link: What is it? The rest of the story?
Zelda: That damn self-insertion sign again?
Navi: … No, I think it’s an omake.
Link: Oh. At LEAST.
Zelda: Well… erm… [faces the audience] You folks enjoy that omake down there, then, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter too, as much sense as it made… None, that is.
Navi: SEE YOU IN THE FINALE, EVERYONE! ^__^ [blows a kiss]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-
Ganondorf: NOT YET IT’S NOT!
(Scene: The inside of the Temple of Time. Ganondorf has somehow hooked up an A/V link to the inside of the Sacred Realm, and he is broadcasting an image of himself with a microphone on a large TV on the other side of the Door of Time)
Ganondorf: Before I was so RUDELY INTERRUPTED by that fat-ass director… I thought I ought to go out of this musical with a bang. That is, with one last song dedicated to my dear sweet darling sweetheart… Impa… Who is, by convenience, standing over there!
Impa: [has just walked into the Temple, freezes when she sees the TV] … DAMN!
Ganondorf: This song is for YOU, darling!
Impa: [facepalms, and sighs heavily]
[Soft, soulful music starts up in the background. Why, it’s “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal! It was in Batman Forever, you remember? I’m sure you’ve heard it at some point. Ganondorf holds up his microphone, snaps his fingers to turn off the lights in the Sacred Realm, and sings soulfully as a spotlight shines down on him.]
Ganondorf and Chorus:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ganondorf:
Theeeere
Was this sexy chick in high school, a sweet Sheikah maid
Sheeeee became
A minor obsession for me…
Partially…
The reason that I went crazy
And did you know?
To school I’d go
Hang her picture in my locker
Gaze at it and sigh longingly…
[Dramatic violin strings pick up]
Ganondorf: [really belting it out]
IMPAAAAAAAAAAA!
I COMPARE YOU TO A BURGER WITH EXTRA MAYONAISE!
OOH, THE BEAUTY OF THE THING CAN’T BE GIVEN WORDS, YEAH!
AND THOUGH I’M NOW LOCKED IN THIS ROOM!
YOUR FACE LIGHTS THE GLOOM EVERY DAY!
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
[Suddenly, Ganondorf is interrupted by Impa, who has grabbed her own karaoke microphone and is singing quite well in her own right back to him, near the TV.]
Impa:
Theeeeere
Was this cocky little asshole when I was at school
Geruuuuudo dude
QUITE AWKWARD, PATHETIC, AND LAME!
Ganondorf:
Aw, babaaaaayyy…
Impa:
To me it wasn’t a wonder no one would ask him out
Stupidly I felt sorry for him, maybe…
And did you know?
That date he showed
His tendency for evil
And the fact that he wasn’t for me…
[More dramatic violin strings]
Impa:
NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
EVERY TIME I SEE THAT BIG GIANT NOSE, I FEEL SICK!
OOH, YOU KNOW I’D NEVER EVER GO OUT WITH YOU AGAIN!
AND YET, THOUGH YOU’RE OUT OF THIS LAND!
THE RESTRAINING ORDER STILL STANDS!
Chorus Singers:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Ganondorf: [pleading to her]
Come… on!
You can get me out of here!
Impa:
You might as well
Stop asking, I’m not listening…
Ganondorf:
But we…
Know each other from high school!
Impa: I won’t make it fall!
Ganondorf:
Get me…
Impa:
Get over it!
I won’t let you out of that DOOR!
Ganondorf: [back on the regular melody]
There is so much a man like me could offer a girl like you
And youuuuu remain-
THE SOURCE OF A LOT OF MY PAIN!
Chorus Singers:
MOSTLY IN THE GROIN!
Ganondorf:
To me you’re like almost a sister, but I wouldn’t mind
To get to know you little… better, baby…
Impa:
Stop trying now.
You stupid cow.
I’d rather cut out both my kidneys than date you anyhow…
Ganondorf:
BUT BAYBAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC IS THE FOUNDER OF GISOA!
OOOOH, SOONER OR LATER YOU’LL BE AFTER MY BODY AGAIN!
Impa:
Let’s just say if that day comes
I’ll beat her until she goes numb!
‘CUZ I COMPARE YOU TO A BAD CASE OF FOOD POISONING!
Ooooh, THE MORE OF YOU I SEE THE SICKER I FEEL, YEEEEAH!
Ganondorf:
Tell that to the author, you see.
In her other fics you end up with me!
Chorus Singers:
Ba da daaaaaaa… da-da da-dum dat-da… dadada…
Impa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ganondorf: [finishes out the song very soulfully]
In all other fics by GG…
At the end… you end…
UP… WITH… MEEEEE!
FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!
[Ganondorf settles down his maniacal laughter and crosses his arms.]
Ganondorf: What do you have to say to that, Impy-Wuvvy, my-
[He looks out of the TV. Impa’s microphone is on the ground and there is an Impa-shaped hole in the wall directly behind him.
Ganondorf: … CURSES! FOILED AGAIN! [he spikes his microphone off of the TV screen; it bounces back and brains him] OWIEEEEEE! SNARGLES, GET DADDY A BANDAID!
Snargles: Mawwww!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~