Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Seven: The Final Battle & Tower Escape ( Chapter 27 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Beaten to death by Galaxy Girl!

CHAPTER/SCENE 27: The Great Big Final Battle of Climacticnessnessness -OR- The Tennis Match of DOOM -OR- I Thought We Were Done With That Dumb Joke.

In this scene...

Link, the peppy little Hero of Time!
Navi, his peppy little fairy sidekick!
Ganondorf, GREAT KING OF TEH EBIL!
Zelda, Princess and Game Namesake!
Several Random Monsters!

A/N: Hey hey, everyone! Perhaps you may have guessed (or I said something) but I’m planning on extending Hey, Ocarina!’s musical goodness into a sequel, “Twenty-Four Masks For Young Link”, off of Majora’s Mask. It will be a while before it comes out (after I finish H,O! and some other things I NEED TO FINISH), but in the meantime, it’s time you had a say on some of the songs I might parody in their. I try to meet requests that people give me if I know the song, so I figured I’d give you guys a chance to tell me what you’d like to see in the sequel!

Here are some guidelines for me:

1. I hate rap. Hate it. HAAAATE IT. I will rarely, if EVER parody a rap song.
2. It’s more entertaining if a lot of people know the song you want me to parody. That is… I adore Nightwish and Sonata Arctica, but I don’t want to parody them because none of you will know what the hell I’m parodying. ^_^ Try to suggest music that I (and others) will have heard of.
3. I CAN do parody lyrics to instrumentals… but it’s very hard, so go easy on me. T_T
4. And no repeats of H,O! songs (unless they were major, repeating ones- “Nowhere Man”, for instance.)

So, send in your reviews with songs you’d like to see in the MM musical (and just to get this out, I’m more likely to consider your request if you give me a comment about H,O! in addition to your request. I love big, fat reviews.)

Without further adieu, ON WITH THE SHOW!



(Scene: The INTERMISHUN sign from last chapter. The sign is splashed with gasoline and then the hand holding it lights a match, promptly sending both the hand and the sign up in flames. The owner of the hand screams and withdraws it, and the curtain rises.)

[Link and Navi are standing before the great iron doors outside Ganondorf's Inner Upper Inner Inner Sanctum. A fog machine has been turned on and the stage is all misty and cool-looking, with blue and purple lights and ethereal voices echoing all across the stage. From inside, we hear dark and somber organ music.]

Link: This is it, Navi...

[His voice echoes.]

Navi: Are you ready, Link?!

[Her voice echoes]

Link: I'm as ready as I'll ever be, Navi!

[Yeah, you know.]

Link: [deep breath, then a pause]

Navi: [looks to Link] Ready when you are.

Link: [yells loudly] ECHOOOO!

[His voice echoes several times.]

Link: [giggling idiotically] HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH.

Navi: ... LIIINK.

Link: [prods Navi with an elbow] You know you want to.

Navi: I will not sink down to your immature level of- ECHOOOOO!

[Her voice also echoes.]

Navi: WHEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!

Link: [singing loudly]
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...

Echo:
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...

Navi:
CHILIIIIIII'S BABYBACK RIBS!

Echoes:
CHILI'S BABYBACK RIBS!

Link: [low voice]
Barbecue sauce!

[The echoes and Link and Navi hum for a moment, then...]

Chorus, Echoes, Link and Navi:
I WANT MY BABYBACK-

Ganondorf: [screaming irately from inside, accompanied by a banging on the organ keys] OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF AND GET IN HERE!

[The room silences. Link coughs]

Link: TIME TO SAVE THE WORLD!

[Wildly triumphant music plays for a moment before being overshadowed by foreboding organ music as Link and Navi finally enter Ganondorf's... um... ::checks script:: Inner Upper Inner Inner Sanctum. The Lord O' Darkness himself sits at his organ, playing the foreboding tune of "In a Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly with his back towards the door. And hanging from a lovely set of handmade wind chimes, still encased in her FABULOUS pink crystal, is Zelda!]

Ganondorf: [over his organ music, slightly to the beat]
So we finally meet again, Mr. Hero.
It's been a long time since we met, indeed
I believe you were just a punk kid back then
And to think, you've grown to oppose me...

Link: [points at him with the Master Sword, also kinda sorta singing]
We've all had enough of you, King of Evil
It's time you hung up your crown and stepped off!
Release the princess and raise your hands up
And I won't be forced to chop your head off!

[Ganondorf chuckles under his breath and plays a scale up his organ, rather impressively, now just playing generic evil music rather than classic rock songs that none of you have probably ever heard and can't identify even if you had.]

Ganondorf: [snickering] Well, well... I suppose I ought to congratulate you, Hero of Time. It takes a lot more than guts for a moron of your caliber to make it all the way to my Inner Upper Inner Inner Sanctum without so much as a scratch... I thought for sure you'd have gotten your ass whupped several chapters back.

Link: [laughs cockily] HAHAHAH, but you were WRONG now, WEREN'T YOU, GANON-DORK?!

Navi: Actually, Link, if I remember right-

Link: [coughs] IXNAY ON THE ICKING-ASS-KAY.

Ganondorf: [taps out "Heart and Soul" on the organ] You're probably SO proud of yourself for conquering my temples, slaughtering my demonic hoards and awakening all the Sages...

Link: You betcha!

Ganondorf: ... when really, you haven't come far at all!

Link: [face sinks] Ehhhh?

Ganondorf: [snickers] It's so obvious. I've only just met you again and I can already tell... you have the intellect of a 10-year-old!

Navi: HE IS A 10-YEAR-OLD, DUUUH!

Link: [glares at Navi] Navi... you're making me look bad!

Ganondorf: [snorts] You're making yourself look bad. You have a short attention span, you're whiny, you're immature and perverted, and you're DUMBER THAN VERMICELLI.

Link: [pauses] You mean the worm, or you mean the spaghetti?

Ganondorf: [stops playing] ... The spaghetti, Hero of Time.

Link: I love noodles.

Ganondorf: [pauses, glances back over his shoulder and shakes his head in disgust] Holy mother of DIN.

Zelda: [banging frantically on the crystal] LIIIINK! LIIIIINK, SAVE ME, LIIINK! AIIEEE! I'M RUNNING OUT OF OXYGEN IN HERE! I'M RECIRCULATING THE AIR FOR THE FOURTH OR FIFTH TIME! I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!

Link: [gives Zelda a cocky gesture and a wink] One moment, my love! First, I must dispatch the evil bad guy!

Ganondorf: [snorts down at his organ and shakes his head, continuing to play] Idiot.

[There is an awkward moment of silence as Ganondorf plays "Chopsticks" again. Navi and Link look back and forth at each other and cough a few times, and finally, Link speaks up.]

Link: Um... HELLOOOOO?

Ganondorf: [pauses, and lifts up his left hand] Do you feel that?

Link: [pauses] What?

Ganondorf: That pleasant pulsing feeling as we get closer to each other...

Link: [pales and backs away] ER... UM...

Navi: [gasps] OH GOD!

Ganondorf: The power... The unbridled, fiery power flowing through both of us...

Link: AAAAAGGGGHHHH! [turns around and claws at the door] LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!!

Zelda: LINK! YOU BETTER NOT BE CHICKENING OUT DOWN THERE!

Link: [spins and points in terror at Ganondorf] HE'S GONNA MAKE A YAOI LEMON OUT OF MEEEEE!

Ganondorf: [slams his hands on the organ] ... WHAT?! [he spins around and points at them indignantly] I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE TRIFORCE, YOU SICK BASTARD!

Link: [points back at him] YEEEAAH, SURE you were you pedophile, you! You slimy green child molester! I bet you've been WAITING up here for my hot young body!

Ganondorf: [gags] As IF. I have but ONE TRUE LOVE, and it SURE AS HELL ISN'T YOU!

Navi: Ooooh, who is it?!

[Ganondorf smacks his fist on the organ, revealing the sliding door that covers the Impa Shrine, and gestures to it grandly]

Ganondorf: IMPA!

Zelda: ... [pauses, makes a face] EWWWWWHEWHEWHEWHEWWWW! THAT'S MY NANNY YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Link: [shakes his head in awe] Wow.

Ganondorf: [glares at him] Wow WHAT?! You dare to drool in awe at the glory of my Impa Shrine?!

Link: To think... how could a sexy babe Shadow Sage like Impa EVER like a despicably ugly evil bastard like YOU?

Ganondorf: [slams one hand on the keyboard] THAT'S IT. For the LAST TIME, that is a completely different story, entitled "Never My Destiny" and it, as well as many other fine fanfics can be found under Galaxy Girl's profile!

[Awkward pause as the Self-Insertion Sign drops from the ceiling and the characters study it, nodding their approval]

Ganondorf: [after the sign has been lifted away] FWAHAHAHAH! I'M GOING TO BUST THROUGH SOME EVIL EXPOSITION AND THEN I'M GONNA RIP YOU TO SHREDS, HERO OF TIME!

Link: Ho-hum. [eats popcorn]

Ganondorf: [standing up, evil-sounding music plays in the background] As I said before, the Triforce pieces are resonating... they are beginning to become one again, even as we stand here! Those two pieces I could not possess seven years ago... I didn't expect they'd be hidden in you two! But now they are reunited and I have both of you in my clutches...



Zelda: [taps on crystal] Really, I'm more "Tossed Aside" right now.

Link: [raises hand] And I'm sort of "Conveniently Nearby".

Navi: Er... yeah, I wouldn't exactly say "in your clutches"!

[Ganondorf glares sourly at the good guys and whips his cape around all threatening-like... only not, because his cape looks sort of like a towel.]

Ganondorf: THESE TOYS ARE TOO MUCH FOR YOU! I COMMAND YOU RETURN THEM TO ME!

[Dramatic, operatic music plays loudly in the background as Link and Ganondorf stare each other down. The organ disappears backstage as our handy Stage Crew pulls it away, grunting and screaming the whole time. Misty, foggy black stuff fills the stage and the Chorus Singers and Navi start coughing, but Link and Ganondorf are too busy staring each other down to the point where their eyes are twitching to care much.]

Navi: ACK!

Link: [blankly, not really paying attention] What is it, Navi?

Navi: [Captain Kirk voice] CAN'T... GET... CLOSE... DARKNESS... EATING... BRAIN... GOING... TO STAY... IN YOUR HAT... ONLY... NOT REALLY...

Link: What's that Navi, sorry, didn't hear over the crashing cymbals in the background...

Navi: [CK voice, louder, in Link's ear] I. CAN'T. GET. CLOSE. TO. GANONDORF. BECAUSE. HE. IS. ALL. EVIL. AND. STUFF. YOU'RE. ON. YOUR. OWN. FOR. THIS. BATTLE. I'm sorry about that, incidentally! [she zips back behind him for protection]

Link: MEEP! [spins around] NAVI, NOOO! I CAN'T FIGHT WITHOUT YOU! YOU'RE MY GUARDIAN FAIRY! [drifts off] Granted, you never really did anything to protect me besides stopping me from sticking small nuts and berries up my nose, and you're actually a bit naggy and kind of irritating, and you repeat the same advice constantly over and over and over again no matter how many times I've read it until I finally go do what you tell me to and you're basically like dragging my non-existent older sister around in my hat with me all the time...

Navi: [making an angry face]

Link: [falls to his knees, pleading with her] BUT I'VE GROWN SO DEPENDENT ON THE Z-TARGETING SYSTEM THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY GET THROUGH THE HARDEST MEASLY KIND OF EASY ALTHOUGH FOR DRAMATIC PURPOSES I'LL SAY THAT IT'S THE HARDEST BATTLE OF MY LIFE... OF MY LIFE!

Navi: [whimpers] I'm sorry Link, but if I go near him something horrible will happen to me!

Link: You'll die?!

Navi: [shakes head]

Link: THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED?!

Navi: No! I'll turn into Tatl!

[HUGE GASP OF TERROR FROM ALL.]

Ganondorf: GOOD GOD! Keep that thing away from me!


Navi: [nods sadly, sniffling]

Link: ... who's Tatl?

Navi: You don't wanna know.

Link: [swallows heavily] I-i-it's okay, Navi... I-I can make it through one battle without you! [sits up bravely and the music changes to a vaguely familiar but very dramatic melody] Because you're my friend, and throughout this journey I've grown closer to you... and we share the greatest weapon of all through our friendship, Navi! OUR HEARTS! MY HEART IS STRONG BECAUSE IT IS UNITED WITH YOURS! AND WITH A STRONG HEART... I CAN ALWAYS FIND LIGHT EVEN IN THE DEEPEST DARKNESS! BECAUSE KINGDOM HEARTS IS-

Navi: [groaning] Oh for God's sake, "Sora", knock off that mushy-gushy "power of the heart" crap!

Link: But Navi-

Navi: You're gonna make Ganondorf vomit himself to death and this scene will be a disaster!

Link: [nods] ... right! [pulls out the Master Sword and whips his head back to throw his bangs out of his face] Let's get it on!

Ganondorf: [stretching out his shoulders and cracks his knuckles] SO! How you wanna do this, Hero of Time?! Good old fashioned beat-down? Or up for something a little... original?

Link: [stammering, now sounds not at all sure of himself] Well... er, actually... I was thinking maybe we could avoid direct combat.

Ganondorf: Oh, goody. [claps his hands] Does a well-choreographed musical battle sound better to you? After all... I AM the Great King of Evil... but first and foremost, I'm the King of Thieves... The Gerudo Thieves who are, as you recall, the greatest mistresses of the musical arts ever to grace Hyrule!

Link: [suddenly QUITE up for it] BRING IT ON, GANON-PORK!

Ganondorf: [raises his hands up in the air and shakes his head, the music strains expectantly] I hope your singing is better than your insults... otherwise, this is gonna be PRETTY SHORT.

Link: Grrr...

[Ganondorf whips his arms down. Suddenly there is a maddening explosion of operatic music and evil-sounding LATIN SINGERS!!11 REEH REEH REEH REEH! A large half of the chorus appears behind Ganondorf, singing to the tune of "One-Winged Angel" from Final Fantasy VII. Ganondorf does some threatening-looking magic attacks in time to the music and Link must fight them off, screaming like a girl.]

Chorus Singers:
CHECK OUT HIS GREEN SKIN AND LEGGINGS OH-SO TIGHT!
CHECK OUT HIS GREEN SKIN AND LEGGINGS OH-SO TIGHT!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!

SEE HIS EVIL GLOW AND HIS NOSE, REALLY BIG!
SEE HIS EVIL GLOW AND HIS NOSE, REALLY BIG!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!

[Ganondorf takes a pause from his evil magic attacks and sighs deeply. He snaps his fingers and some hot Gerudo babes appear with a Gerbilade and a towel for him. They massage his shoulders and wipe him off and he drinks his Gerbilade as the singers continue.]

KING OF THE THIEVES...
BIG EVIL DUDE...
HE'LL BEAT YOUR ASS...
HE'S JUST THAT RUDE!

LATER HE WILL POSSIBLY BECOME A PIG!
LATER HE WILL POSSIBLY BECOME A PIG!
GANONDORF!
GANONDORF!

AAAHHHHH...AHHHHH...OOOOOHAAAAH!

[The music becomes a dreamy orchestration as Ganondorf pauses his attack and laughs]

Ganondorf: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! Can you beat THAT, HERO-BOY?!

Link: [gulps] Well... we'll see about-

[Suddenly the music abruptly changes to "Hero" by Chad Kroeger (from Spider-Man, remember?) and now the spotlight is on Link, singing his heart out as the other half of the chorus backs him up]

Link: [singing dreamily]
I am so high...
I can hear EVERRRRRR...

Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...

Link: [charges up an attack with his sword]
I will not die!
I'll fight on FOREVEERRRRRRR...

Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...

Link:
DON'T EVER...
NO NEVER...
IGNORE MEEEEEEEEEEEE...

[A wildly dramatic chorus bursts up, and Ganondorf backs away quickly as Link sings his heart out with the chorus to back him up.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
THEY'RE ALL SAYIN' A HEEEERO WILL SAVE THEM-
SPECIFICALLY, THE HERO OF TIIIIIIIIIIME!
AND I'VE SWORN THAT I WON'T LET THEM DOWN, I'LL-
KEEP FIGHTING TO REPENT MY CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[The music drops off and Link croons beautifully, bouncing Ganondorf's evil beams of evilness back at him with the occasional Light Arrow]

Link:
Someone told me, I was just a zero!
But the Deku Tree, he made me a heroooo!
NOW I'M DONE WITH THIS KILLING! AND BLOOD SPILLING!
BECOMING DERAAAANGED...

[Little angels fly all around Link as he sings again.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
THEY'RE ALL SAYIN' A HEEEERO WILL SAVE THEM-
SPECIFICALLY, THE HERO OF TIIIIIIIIIIME!
AND I'VE SWORN THAT I WON'T LET THEM DOWN, I'LL-

KEEP FIGHTING TO REPENT MY CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[Ganondorf interrupts up quickly and the music shorts out.]

Ganondorf: Oh, cry me a river, ya big weenie!

[Drums bring us into the next song in the BIG PHAT BATTLE MEDLEY, "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by The Offspring (more specifically, "Pretty Fly For A Rabbi" by Weird Al... because I dun have that particular mp3. o_o;; )]

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts]
OKAY! OKAY!

Link: WAGGGHHH!! [blood spurts from his eyes and he falls to the ground]

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts]
OKAY! OKAY!

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts]
OKAY! OKAY!
And all the people say I'M PRETTY FLY-

All:
FOR A BAD GUY!

[Heavy rock and roll guitars and drums accompany Ganondorf and the 1st half of the Chorus' wild headbanging. Meanwhile, Link claws at his eyeballs, desperate to remove that terrible vision from his mind]

Female Chorus Singers:
Sorry Mr. Hero, but GOOD HAS GOTTA GO!

Ganondorf: [does a choreographed dance to the song, the chorus follows him]
Nintendo's had its fair share!
Of bad guys in the past!
After their first game's over
They all go up in a blast!
There's only one that's lasted
And found loopholes how not to die
Though I'm ignoring Bowser-
NO REPTILES NEED APPLY!

[Mosh Pit Mode! Ganondorf and the Chorus jump around like crazy, screaming out the chorus.]

Ganondorf and Chorus:
HE'S CLASSIC MEAN!
THOUGH HIS SKIN IS GREEN!
HE'LL STEAL YOUR CROWN-

Ganondorf:
AND THEN I'LL KICK YOU IN THE SPLEEN!

Ganondorf and Chorus:
HE ONLY GOT MORE SOUR
WHEN HE GOT THE TRIFORCE OF POWER!

Ganondorf:
THE WORLD IS MINE!
THE WORLD IS MINE!

Ganondorf and Chorus:
HIS NAME IS WEIRD AND LONG
AND HE BURSTS INTO SONG!
AND YOUR EYES WOULD BURN IF YOU COULD SEE HIM IN A THONG!

Link: AAAAAGGGHHHH!

Navi: YOU CRUEL, EVIL BASTARD!

Ganondorf: [grins]
So ditch your Master Sword, and-

HEY! HEY! HAIL THE EVIL KING!

[A short pause, as Ganondorf walks over and electrocutes Link with his mad crazy evil magic.]

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts RIGHT AT LINK]
OKAY! OKAY!

Link: AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts]
OKAY! OKAY!

Chorus Singers:
HOW'S IT HANGIN', GANON?

Ganondorf: [pelvic thrusts]
OKAY! OKAY!
AND EVERYBODY SAYS I'M PRETTY FLY-

Female Chorus Singers:
FOR A BAD GUY!

Ganondorf:
I live in a big castle
With spikes seven feet long!
I'm the ruler of the monsters
What my zombies do looks wrong!
Depending on the fanfic
I'm either sad or pissed or crude!
And in some of them, like this-
I'M JUST A COLDBLOOD EVIL DUDE!

Ganondorf and Chorus Singers:
HE DOES HIS EVIL THANG!
AND FROM THE PITS, YOU'LL HANG!
HE FLATTENS TOWNS-

Ganondorf: [eeeevil smile]
With just a smile and a BANG!

Ganondorf and Chorus Singers:
SHOW UP AT HIS DOOR
HE'LL SMEAR YOU ON THE FLOOR!

Ganondorf: [shakes his head threateningly]
Not interested...
In long-distance!

Ganondorf and Chorus Singers:
YOU CAN DO THE MATH!
YOU BETTER FEAR HIS WRATH!
STAND UP TO HIM AND ALL YOU'LL REALLY DO IS MAKE THE SUCKER LAUGH!

Ganondorf: [steps on Link, crushing him to the floor]
So go back to your mom, and-
HEY! HEY! HAIL THE EVIL KING!

Link: [stepped on] AIEE! OW!

Ganondorf: [laughs maniacally] AHAHAHAHAHA! You're PATHETIC, boy! THIS is the best those foolish Sages could send at me?

Link: [grabs Ganondorf's foot] TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, FOOL!

[A rapping rhythm starts up in the background and Link trips Ganondorf and stands up strutting around with the Chorus mimicking his moves. Why, it's "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith and Run DMC!]

Link: [nudges his hat] Navi, if you please...

Navi: My pleasure... [she dons a pair of sunglasses]

Ganondorf: What the-

[An electric guitar starts up in the background as Link and Navi rap, alternating lines]


Link:
GET THIS NOW!
Backwater-

Navi:
-Fighter
Pulled a couple-

Link:
-all nighters just to-

Both:
TOPPLE AN EVIL KING...

Navi:
He may seem-

Link:
-kinda hopeless-

Navi:
-But behind all the-

Link:
-mopin'-

Both:
HE BEEN WORKIN' ON CHANGIN' HIS WAAAYYYS!

Link:
So I fought-

Navi:
-his way up here-

Link:
-My mind's out-

Navi:
-of the gut-teer-

Both:
AND HE'S FINALLY GOT SERIOUS!

Navi:
Now he's laid down his lovin'-

Link:
-To save my phat Hylian cousins-

Navi:
And his sleeve's hidin' up an ace-

Both:
CUE THE BASS!

[The bass line starts up again as Link beats on Ganondorf with his sword, knocking him down. ... for pete's sake, imagine your own fancy choreography. I'm not gonna do all the work, you imagination-deprived people!]

Ganondorf: OW! OW! OW! STUPID LITTLE BRA-

Link:
My sword starts-

Navi:
'SWINGING!

Link:
Victory bells be-

Navi:
RING!

Link:
With the Sages fightin' on at my side!
I gotta big-

Navi:
HUNKA MUSCLE!

Link: [grins cockily as he kicks Ganondorf's feet out from under him]
So the bad guy better-

Navi:
HUSSLE!

Link:
I'm gonna take you on a painy ride!
We're both now

Navi:
HALF-WAY DEAD!

Link:
You better get it through your head
I'm not a kiddie who has come here to play!

Navi:
Princess Zelda done told us
And we never gonna fold-us
And she told us how to fight this way, she said-

Link: [screaming at the top of his lungs]
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT THIS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Navi: [echoes, one finger in her ear]
Fight this waaaayy...

Link:
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT THIS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Navi:
Fight this way...

Link: Yeah, she told me to-
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT THIS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Navi:
Fight this waaaayy...

Link:
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT THIS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Navi:
Fight this way...

Link: [grins and winks heroically]
I'M JUS' SAVIN' THE DAAAYY!

[As the song continues, Link bobs his head and dancers wearing white angel robes gather around him, dancing hip-hop style in perfect synch.]

Ganondorf: [glares and crosses his arms] OH YEAH?! WELL, I GOT DANCERS TOO, PAL!

[Ganondorf whistles and "This Love" by Maroon 5 blasts in the background, over Link's song. Sexy Gerudo dances dressed in black stand behind him and mimic his funky dance movements as he sings.]

Ganondorf: [synchronized hip-hop dancing]
I was so high I did not recognize
A revolt beginning to rise
Hatred of me through all the land...

Gerudos:
BUM BUM BUM!

Ganondorf:
The Triforce escaped me that fateful day
Otherwise it'd all be goin' my way
If I had all three parts...
OH!

[Cooler dancing that you'd expect from the Lean Mean Evil King In Green runs through the chorus.]

Ganondorf and Gerudos:
THIS! BOY! HAS! WORN OUT HIS WELCOME HERE!
I'd hoped you'd die- so many times before!
YOU'VE! GOT! A! RELIC I KIND OF NEED!

Ganondorf:
So I have no choice!
I just gotta ream your ass to the floor...
On the floor.
Even more.
On the floo-OOOOOOR!

I tried my best to fill my appetite
Beatin' down the people every night
Keep my ambitions satisfied... WHOA-
You cleared the temples like this was a game
To try to make the world the same
To make Zelda the Queen again... HOHO!

Ganondorf and Gerudos: [doing acrobatic moves]
THIS! BOY! HAS! STARTED TO ANGER ME!
Surviving my odds- a couple times or four!
YOU'VE! GOT! THE! TRIFORCE PIECE THAT I NEED!

Ganondorf:
So it's a nice choice!
I've gotta beat your ass to the floor...
To the floor.
Even more!
On the flooo-OOOOOOR-

[Ganondorf is interrupted as Link snaps HIS fingers and the Strobe Light of Time begins to flash on Zelda's crystal, making a neat disco ball effect all around the room.]

Link: [singing in a effeminate, falsetto voice to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" ... oh GOD.]
FIRST I WAS AFRAID!
I WAS PETRIFIED!
I DIDN'T THINK A WIMPY IDIOT LIKE ME'D SURVIVE!
And then I spent so many nights locked in those temples near and far
And I raised the bar!
My ultra skillz you'd never mar!

[A full-out disco rhythm starts and Link and his backup dancers and his half of the chorus get jiggy with it.]

Link:
And so I'm BACK!
From the Sacred Realm!
To find out the world of Hyrule's got a psycho madman at its helm
I could have chickened out and run, I could have wimped and peed my pants
But I rose up to meet my destiny and now I sing and dance!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEESSSTIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYY!

Link:
So go on, go!
Get out the do'!
I think I speak for all of us, we don't want you here anymore
Go get your butt back to the desert, take your chance now and take flight
Because I'm not afraid to finish singing and start up a fight!

Singers:
DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO!

Link: [singing in a range very wrong for him]
OH NO, NOT I!
I WILL SURVIVE!
AS LONG AS I GOT SAGES AND MY FRIENDS, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE!
YEAH, I GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE!
[pelvic thrusts towards Zelda] AND I GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE!
OH NO, NOT I!
I WILL SURVIVE!
HEY-HEY!

[Link and his dancers get down and get funky. Suddenly, the music cuts out and it's Ganondorf turn to show him up. Ganondorf points off in a corner and suddenly, a scratchy record starts up in the background and suddenly, "Theme from Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky plays on a piano. Ganondorf ushers his dancers and singers back away from him and begins a graceful ballet dance.]

Link: ...

Zelda: ...

Navi: [sniffles and nods respectfully]

Link: You- [opens his mouth to say something]

Navi: SHHH!

Ganondorf: [dreamy-eyed, skipping around, plie-ing and jette-ing and twirling like a fairy princess]

[All the lights dim and a spotlight shines on Ganondorf as he dances, humming the melody]

Ganondorf:
Doo-doo-doo
DOO! Dun da doo doo DUN! DA DUN! DA DUN!
Da dun da dun da dunnn...

[Finally, the piece closes with some quiet piano chords and Ganondorf takes a bow. Navi claps, and Link just stares some more.]

Link: ... WHAT. WAS THAT?

Ganondorf: [clears throat and laughs evilly] It's called CULTURE. And it's also my DEATH-BLOW!

Link: TCH! [has serious expression]

Ganondorf: [laughing maniacally] BECAUSE I AM COMFORTABLE ENOUGH WITH MY SELF-IMAGE AS A GREAT EVIL KING OF MUCH POWER AND MASCULINITY THAT I CAN LOWER MYSELF DOWN TO THE LEVEL OF A FAIRY PRINCESS! YOU, MY MOST HATED NEMESIS, ARE NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO HUMILIATE YOURSELF THAT BADLY! Thus, I HAVE WON THE BATTLE!

Link: [deep, throaty gasp] ... NUH UH!

Ganondorf: Yuh huh.

Link: NUH UH!

Ganondorf: [nods] Yuh huh.

Link: NUH UH!

Ganondorf: Prove it.

Link: OKAY, I WILL! HIT IT!

[The lights go out. When they come back up, Link has ripped open the front of his tunic to reveal two small nipple rings on each nipple. Loud dance music is playing in the background and he bops to it enthusiastically.]

Chorus Singers:
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
OH, YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE!
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL TO ME!
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
OH, YOU'RE IRRESISTABLE!
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
A MIRACLE TO ME!

[Link prances around the room in a "pimp-walk" (IE: Skipping gaily and waving his arms about), stopping only to sing and boogie in Ganondorf's face]

Link: [dancing wildly, shaking his bare chest at the audience]
Hold me...
I wanna feel your arms around me!

Chorus Singers:
OOH LA-LA OOH LA-LA!

Link: [licks his finger and touches his butt, making a hissing noise]
Kiss me...
Cuz' only you can make me happy!

Chorus Singers:
OOH LA-LA OOH!
OOH LA-LA OOH YA HEY YA!

Link: [in a girly falsetto]
Oh Mr. Wonderful!

Chorus Singers:
OOH LA-LA OOH YA HEY YA!

Link: [drops to his knees]
ARE YOU FOR REAL?!

Chorus Singers:
OOH LA-LA OOH YA HEY YA!

Link: [hops back up, shaking his butt]
It's not impossible!

Chorus Singers:
OOH LA-LA OOH YA HEY YA!
OOH-WA! OOH-WAAAAA!

[Link dances Elaine Benis ("Seinfeld") style all around the room, does the monkey and the cabbage patch as the chorus repeats itself.]

Chorus Singers:
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
OH, YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE!
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL TO ME!

[Link dances in a humiliating fashion as water splashes all over him from below]

Chorus Singers:
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
OH, YOU'RE IRRESISTABLE!
HEY, MR. WONDERFUL!
A MIRACLE TO-

[The song shorts out as the room is filled with a giant explosion that sends Link flying. He screams as he slams into the wall of the room and then crashes down.]

Ganondorf: ENOUGH!

Navi: HEY MAN, YOU THREW OFF HIS GROOVE!

Ganondorf: [furiously] ENOUGH of this foolishness! How dare you, a little punk kid, come waltzing in here and acting like a doofus, expecting to defeat me?! ME! THE GREAT EVIL KING GANONDORF!

Link: [sits up from a pile of rubble, rubbing the back of his head, covered in wounds and cuts] OW! Dude, the dancing was YOUR idea?

Ganondorf: [raises his hands to blast Link again, but then pauses] ... Oh yeah.

Link: [stands up, waving his hands] Calm down there, buddy... I'll put a shirt on if you want me to! I didn't know nipple rings offended people that ba-

Ganondorf: SHUT UP! [whips his hands]

[There is another tremendous explosion and a scream of agony from Link, who flies back across the room yet again and slams into the wall.]

Link: [beat-up looking] ... OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Navi: ACCK! LINK! [flies over to his side] Get up, Link! You can do it! You can beat him! Just think of another song and-

Link: [gasps in horror] I CAN'T!

Navi: ... Why not?!

Link: [points to the upper left corner of the stage] LOOK! MY MUSICAL METER IS ALMOST COMPLETELY DEPLETED!

[Sure enough, a random purple meter at the top of the stage is dwindling towards empty]

Link: [sobs out] I'VE USED ALL OF MY POWER! WAAA!

Navi: ACK! ... b-b-b-but... LINK! You can still fight him the old-fashioned way, right? Swords and stuff?!

Link: [bursts into tears and sobs heavily]

Navi: ... Is it really worth crying over?

Link: [sobbing] NO! THE RUBBLE IRRITATED MY NIPPLE RINGS!

Navi: ... ah.

[Suddenly, there is another explosion and Link is tossed across the room again. This time, he lands spread-eagle on the floor with a dazed look on his face.]

Ganondorf: [smirking evilly as he walks over to Link] You sicken me, boy. Here I thought you'd be worthy competition... you can sing and dance, but that's all. You can't fight me the real way... hahahahahahhaa!

Link: [bleeding out the nose, sits up and glares at Ganondorf] GANON... DUDE... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN? YOU USED TO BE COOL...

Ganondorf: [snorts] We weren't getting anywhere with that musical battle. I'm never going to kill you that way... so I figured I'd better get started killing you the other way.

Link: [gasps] But you're the King of Music-

Ganondorf: [interrupts] WRONG! I may be the King of Musical Thieves... but I am first and foremost a bad guy! This is why I have prepared this little song... for you, my dear hero!

Link: [swallows hard]

Navi: [flies over again] KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY LINK, GANONDORF YOU-

[Soft rock music plays as Ganondorf swats Navi away, bashing her against the side of the wall and knocking her unconscious. He picks Link up by the front of his ripped shirt and sings to him, to the tune of "Take It Outside" by the Barenaked Ladies. This is off their new CD... great tune, check it out.]

Ganondorf: [singing as he swings Link around by his collar, bashing him into random rubble]
Ooooh-ooohhh I...
I watched you roam the town.
Cloooo-ooooosed eyes...
Ignored you were around...
Theee-eeen you...
Came here, you stupid clown...
To try...
And bring yours truly dooooown-

[Sweet music plays as Ganondorf flies up and slams Link against the wall, watching him slide down the wall with a pained look on his face gleefully. Then he leans over Link and sings the chorus.]

Ganondorf:
Oh, any other bad guy...
Would wanna play your death up
But I'd never even try...
I think I'd rather take you out!
Any other bad guy...
Would wanna drag it out some
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIE!

[Ganondorf disappears from behind Link, and Link hops to his feet. He reaches back behind him and grabs his sword, wobbling around to try and find Ganondorf. Suddenly, Ganondorf reappears and sweeps Link's legs out from under him, knocking him down yet again and stepping on him.]

Ganondorf:
Tuuu-uuurn round...
And say it to my face!
You wiiiish I'd leave...
You wish I'd be erased!
But thiiii-iiiis crown...
I rather like this place
So I'll take you down...
And leave not a trace!

[Ganondorf electrocutes Link, who twitches around spastically and screams like a woman as Ganondorf turns around and checks his nails, singing.]

Ganondorf:
Oh, any other bad guy...
Would wanna play your death up
But I'd never even try...
I think I'd rather take you out!
Any other bad guy...
Would wanna drag it out some
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIE!

[Ganondorf releases Link and watches him drop, laughing hysterically]

Ganondorf:
So this is the Mighty Hero of Time!
Come to take me in for my crime!
You'd think the Triforce would do something that [pauses, looks confused] sort... of... RHYMED...

[Link lays on the ground, coughing and twitching with his eyebrows singed crispy. Ganondorf isn't done with him yet, though. He picks Link up in his arms romance-movie style and twirls around with him.]

Ganondorf: [singing joyously at the top of his lungs]
Oh, any other bad guy...
Would wanna play your death up
But I'd never even try...
I think I'd rather take you out!
Any other bad guy...
Would wanna drag it out some
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIE!

[Ganondorf suddenly drops Link and pile-drives him, then picking him up one more time and spinning him around fast]

Ganondorf:
Oh, any other bad guy...
Would wanna play your death up
But I'd never even try...
I think I'd rather take you out!
Any other bad guy...
Would wanna drag it out some
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIE!

[Ganondorf waves at Link and then tosses him against the wall, hard.]

Ganondorf: [opera-like]
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIE!
But I'd RAAAAATHER WAAATCH YOU DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

[As the last chords of the song fade out, Ganondorf's wild laughter rings across the stage.]

Ganondorf: SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT HERO OF TIME! FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!

[Link is lying on his back, breathing heavily across the room. Slowly, Navi crawls over to him and sits on his chest, also panting]

Navi: [soft, squeaky voice] L-Link! L-Link... Link! S-s-speak to me, buddy!

Link: [quiet, labored, serious for the first time ever] N-Navi... I...

Zelda: [screeching from up in the crystal] NOOO! LINK, DON'T DIE YET! I'M NOT RESCUED YET! IF YOU DIE, HE'LL RAVISH ME LIKE IN THE FANFICS!

Ganondorf: [indignantly] I WILL NOT EITHER!

Zelda: [points] SHUT UP, YOU! THIS IS A POIGNANT DRAMATIC SCENE!

Ganondorf: HMPPH! [crosses his arms and smiles joyfully] Gripe all you want, Princess... that boy is done for!

[Navi flies up in the air and frantically beats on Link's chest]

Navi: Hang on, Link! You can make it... you can make it Link, please hold on!

Link: [smiles idiotically] N-Navi... I feel warm...

Navi: NOOO! [frantically] STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT, LINK! DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT! DON'T DO IT! DON'T LISTEN TO ANY VOICES YOU HEAR!

Link: [silence, blinks a little]

Navi: ... ER, EXCEPT MINE! LINK, YOU HAVE TO STAY ALIVE! YOU'RE THE HERO OF TIME! IT'LL ALL HAVE BEEN FOR NOTHING IF YOU DIE!

Ganondorf: [standing a good 10 yards away, watching calmly] It's no use, fairy! Look, his health meter only has a fourth of a heart left! I could kill him by blowing on him at this point!

Navi: Your breath could kill anyone, you big evil bastard!

Ganondorf: [gasps] Why you-

Link: [blinks deliriously] Oh... my... the light... it's so... so beautiful... And it's coming towards me...

Navi: AAAIEE!! LINK, NO! You can't leave me, Link!

[Descending from above the curtain on an obvious rope is a dazzling, shining light that is glowing so brightly we cannot see what's causing it.]

Link: [watery eyes] Look at the light, Navi... it's so shiny... [eyes widen] ... what the...?

Navi: [shaking her head] Nononono! There is no light, Link... it's just some death-induced hysteria... [long pause] Wait. What am I saying?! YOU'RE NOT DYING LINK! YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE, LIIIIVE! [stands up dramatically] DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!

Link: [drooling at the very obvious light now coming towards him] Pretttyyyyyy.

Navi: [sobbing] Stop drooling at nothing, Link! Stop it, STOP IT! I WON'T LET YOU DIE ON ME! I'VE NEVER LOST A KID YET, AND YOU WON'T BE MY FIRST!

Zelda: [up above, banging on her crystal] Oh Nayru! Look at that beautiful light!

Ganondorf: [also staring at the light] It's like... Impa herself... descended down from heaven, to me...

Navi: Eh? [looks behind her] ... SWEET MOTHER OF THE DEKU TREE! A CREEPY LIGHT FROM BEYOND!

All: Oooooooh... Aaaaaaah...

[The light continues to descend, now accompanied by beautiful angelic music. The light pulls towards Link and comes to a stop in the air in front of him.]

Navi: ... That's not light from beyond, Link...

Zelda: [squints] What... what is it?

Ganondorf: Yes! I demand you show yourself, Creepy Bearer of Light From Beyond!

Link: [eyes watering] GOOD GOD... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S... IT'S...

[Suddenly, the light fades away very slowly and it suddenly dawns on everyone.]

Zelda: It's a roll of golden duct tape!

Ganondorf: It's a laptop!

Navi: IT'S AN EGG-SALAD SANDWICH!

Link: [sobbing] NO! NO, NO, NO! IT'S...

[The light fades away to reveal a shape floating in midair. It's a tiny Poe, with glowing yellow eyes, a purple and gray hood (mostly) covering a pointy blue face, and a tiny lantern enclosed in one... fin?]

Link: [sits up immediately] THREE GOLDEN GODDESSES! IT'S HYMIE!

[Yes. He's back. AGAIN. Hymie the Poe Fish, in all his undead aquatic glory! He stares blankly at Link and glubs for air.]

Zelda: ...HYMIE?!

Ganondorf: ... HYMIE?!

Navi: [slaps forehead] OH GOD. NOT AGAIN!

~~~~ TONY-AWARD WINNING SCENE ~~~~

[Beautiful, happy music plays in the background as Link sits up, crawls towards the ghost of his pet fish, and cries out a monologue.]

Link: Hymie... oh, Hymie, my sweet beloved Hymie! I've missed you so much... I cried for days and days after that demonic beast from hell mercilessly devoured you!

Navi: You cried for YEARS, and the "demonic beast from hell" was the Sage of Water.

Hymie the Poe Fish: [glubglub]

Link: [ignoring Navi] When you died... it was like a part of me was ripped out and thrown in a garbage compactor, then collected and dropped into a food processor set on "liquefy" and then poured into the mouths of hungry Zoras, never to be seen again! I was... I was so lost without you there to guide me, my dear friend Hymie... I felt like I could never live again! But now... now I see!

Ganondorf: [staring blankly, in disbelief]

Zelda: [rolling her eyes]

[Link crawls towards Hymie and reaches out to him with a bloody hand. Hymie reaches out with a little ghostly fin and touches Link.]

Link: [yelling triumphantly, tears in his eyes] NOW I SEE THAT YOU WERE WITH ME ALL THE TIME! AND NOW YOU'VE COME TO HELP ME ONE LAST TIME, IN MY TIME OF NEED! YOU FELT MY SOUL CRYING OUT FOR AIDE AND YOU WERE ABLE TO BREAK BEYOND THE BARRIERS OF THE GRAVE TO COME TO ME! YOU ARE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, HYMIE! I LOVE YOU!

Hymie the Poe Fish: [tears in his little glowing eye sockets] ::glubglub::

Navi: [sniffles]

Zelda: [staring, doesn't... GET IT.]

Ganondorf: [sobbing wildly into a hanky] OH MAN! OH MAAAAAAAN!

Link: HYMIE! [hugs the ghost of his pet fish]

Hymie the Poe Fish: [glubglub, hugs Link]

Audience: [sobs wildly. Go on! SOB!]

~~~~~~ END OF TONY AWARD-WINNING SCENE ~~~~~~

[Suddenly, Hymie floats upwards towards Link's mouth.]

Link: [blinks] Whaddya doin', Hymie?

[Hymie glubs once more and then FLINGS HIMSELF INSIDE OF LINK'S MOUTH! Link gags and makes a choking noise, but swallows and then falls over on his hands and knees coughing.]

Link: ACK! ACK! HACK HACK, COUGH!

[Short pause, then Link sits up]

Link: H-HYMIE?! WHERE’D YOU GO, HYMIE?! OH NO!

Navi: ... YOU ATE HYMIE?! [twitch, twitch]

Link: [whimpering, looking around searching for some kind of answer] N-no, he just... he just- [suddenly, Link glows a strange greenish blue color and begins to float in the air] ... Whoaaaahohohoho.

Zelda: What's happening?!

Link: [instantly, his hair is fixed, his shirt repairs itself, his wounds mend and all the blood disappears from his body] ... I... I... WHOA! I'M HEALED!

Navi: ... WHAT?!

Link: [stands on his own two feet, looks down at himself and gasps out] HYMIE, YOU DID COME TO SAVE ME! YOU USED YOUR LITTLE FISHY ECTOPLASM TO RESTORE ME FROM THE ABYSS OF DEATH BACK TO PERFECT HEALTH SO I COULD FINISH THE BATTLE IN YOUR HONOR! OH, WHAT A DUTIFUL FISH YOU ARE, HYMIE! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR SACRIFICE! I LOVE YOU, HYMIE!

Ganondorf: Whoa. WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! STOP THE SHOW! STOP IT!

[The glow around Link cuts out and the soundtrack stops. Ganondorf stomps forward and points at Link.]

Ganondorf: WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? Do you HONESTLY THINK THAT ANYBODY IS GOING TO BUY THAT?! YOU RECYCLED THE SAME DAMN JOKE FROM ABOUT SIX HUNDRED OTHER CHAPTERS AND THEN YOU USED IT AS SOME KIND OF A LOOPHOLE TO ESCAPE THE BEATINGS I SUBJECTED YOU TO?!

Link: Heeeey! [points at Ganondorf] I didn't do it! Hymie GAVE HIS... AFTERLIFE to restore me!

Ganondorf: But that doesn't make ANY sense!

Zelda: [shrieks] NEITHER DOES ANY OF THIS! THIS IS ALL A BIG JOKE! [ripping her hair out in frustration]

Navi: Hold on, hold on... [reading an LOZ: OoT Game Guide] Wait a second...

[Everyone waits patiently for Navi to finish. She reads the page, then nods.]

Navi: Ah. It makes sense, actually.

Ganondorf: How do you figure?!

Navi: "When you have a Poe in a bottle to give to the Poe Seller, be sure you get close enough to him so that he can see the bottle when you equip it to C. Otherwise, Link will eat the Poe and it will either restore him back to full health or drain him down five hearts."

[There is a long silence.]

Ganondorf: ... uh... huh.

Link: [poses triumphantly, with triumphant music to back him up] HAHAHAH! I HAVE CLEVERLY EVADED DISASTER AT THE HANDS OF MY OWN STUPIDITY ONCE AGAIN! NOW, HAVING COMPLETED THE FULL "HEROIC QUEST" DIAGRAM FOR ANY ENGLISH CLASS, IT IS TIME THAT I LAID THE ROYAL SMACKDOWN ON YOU! Hymie and I are fighting as a single entity and I won't let him down! I WON'T LET HYRULE DOWN! I WILL DEFEAT YOU, EVIL KING GANONDORF, AND ALL OF THE WORLD WILL FINALLY REALIZE THAT I, LINK, AM SOMEBO-

[Link pauses and screams girlishly, leaping back as Ganondorf makes a running attack at him]

Link: -DY! HIYAAAA!

[Dramatic battle music plays as Link and Ganondorf fight, sword to fist. In fact, this fight, in order to satisfy all you action fans, will be the climactic battles of every movie I can think of right now.]

["Underworld"]

Link: HYUUUUP! [lunges at Ganondorf]

Ganondorf: GYARRRGGGH! SOMEONE LIKE YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO EXIST!

[Ganondorf sends Link flying an impossibly long way backwards, he slams into the wall and hits the ground unconvincingly.]

Ganondorf: [hisses, suddenly has vampire teeth]

Zelda: NOOO! I WON'T LET YOU KILL HIM, GANONDORF! I LOVE HIM!

Ganondorf: [points at Link] HE IS A FREAK OF NATURE!

[Link suddenly appears behind him and kicks him in the back, knocking him down and for some reason, growling loudly]

Navi: [lying in corner for some reason] You may kill me... but my will is done!

Link: [growls again]

Ganondorf: [hisses]

["Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"]

[Link and Ganondorf are suspended on wires, floating around and climbing up walls and the like.]

Link: [suddenly loses Master Sword, it appears in Ganondorf's hands] You cannot handle that sword! [suddenly badly dubbed]

Ganondorf: [badly dubbed in a female voice] Yes I can! I am stronger than you are! I can handle this sword!

Link: Give me the Master Destiny!

Ganondorf: NUUUUU! [plays keep-away]

[Finally, Link kicks Ganondorf in the face and steals the sword back. He holds it up over the cliff in the center of the room]

Ganondorf: NOOO! [leaps as Link prepares to drop it]

["Beauty and the Beast" (Disney Version)]

[Ganondorf topples over the edge]

Ganondorf: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

Link: [leaps out and grabs him by the arm, snarling again... ??] GRAGGH!

Ganondorf: HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME UP, PLEASE!

Zelda: [looks angsty from up above]

[Link sits for a minute before pulling Ganondorf up, pulling him close to his face and saying in a very commanding tone]

Link: GET OUT. AND NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.

Ganondorf: [steps back in fear, stumbles away] MEEP! MEEP! MEEP!

[Link turns away from him and towards Zelda]

Link: [whispering] Zelda...

Zelda: Link!

[Ganondorf pops up from behind with a knife]

Ganondorf: HAHA!

["Robin Hood: Men In Tights"]

[Ganondorf runs at Link with a knife]

Link: Master Sword... you've served me well. [kisses it, sets it under his arm]

Ganondorf: YEAAAARRGH- [suddenly stops] URK!

[Link pauses and wiggles his sword, Ganondorf wiggling with it]

Ganondorf: ... ERK...

Link: [turns around to see that Ganondorf is completely run through on the sword] ...OW.

Zelda: [makes a face] Eek!

Ganondorf: [stumbles backwards, touches the sword and winces] Oh... OW... well... it's... it's not so bad!

[Short pause.]

Ganondorf: [makes a pained face] ... I WAS WRONG!

[Ganondorf flops over on the ground.]

Link: ... WOOHOO!

["Devil May Cry"]

[Ganondorf is pinned to the ground by the Master Sword. He suddenly pulls himself off of the sword, THROUGH HIS BODY, and sits up, none the worse for wear]

Ganondorf: HA-HA!

Link: ... THAT'S NOT FAIR! "DEVIL MAY CRY" IS A VIDEO GAME!

Ganondorf: Tell that to the stage directions! FWAHAHAHA! [lunges at Link to battle again]

["Dragonball Z" (YUCK.)]

[Ganondorf and Link are now on opposite sides of the stage, screaming at the top of their lungs.]

Ganondorf: FWAHAHAHAHA! I NOW HAVE SUPER ULTRA GERUDO POWER! YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!

Link: OH YES I WILL! KAME HAME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[There is a tiny explosion near Ganondorf. Ganondorf pauses, and flicks his wrist at Link, who then explodes in a giant fireball.]

Link: ACK! CAN I EVER DEFEAT THE SUPER ULTRA GERUDO POWER?!


[Short pause]

Link: [pokes his tummy] ... Yes, actually. SUPER ULTRA MEGA GIANT GRAVITY GIGATON PINACCLE FLARE EXPLOSION OF SOOPA FURY!

[Ganondorf EXPLODES INTO AN EVEN BIGGER FIREBALL.]

["The Matrix"]

[Ganondorf and Link, now wearing sunglasses, fight in ridiculously fast kung fu, so fast you can barely see this part of the fic. Oh well!]

["Any NC-17 fic about Link and Ganondorf"]

[Suddenly, Link is on his hands and knees on the floor with his skirt pulled up, Ganondorf has his hands in the back of his (Link’s) tights, and both of them are quite confused.]

Link: ...

Ganondorf: ...

Both: AIEEEEGGGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[“Moulin Rouge”]

[Music bursts in from the background very loudly, and Link and Ganondorf embrace, singing at the top of their lungs.]

Chorus Singers:
NO YOU WON’T… FOOL… THE CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUUUUUUUUTION!

Ganondorf: [high voice]
ONE DAY I’LL FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY… AWAAAAAAAAAYYY…

Link:
MY GIIIIIIIIIIIIFT IS MY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

All:
NA NA NANA NANA NANA NANA! THE CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION!

Link and Ganondorf:
COOOOOME WHAT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I WILL LOVE YOU!
UNTIL MY DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIING… DAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!

[Link and Ganondorf gaze at each other and realize that they are hugging. Making gagging noises, they push each other away quickly and dust off their clothes.]

[“The Princess Bride”]

[Lively music plays as Link points his sword at Ganondorf.]

Link: My name… is Link Somebody! You killed my kinda sorta father the Deku Tree and took over my land! Prepare to die!

Ganondorf: [smirks] Hahahahaha. I am not afraid of you. I killed your Deku Tree and took over your land, and I will kill you and take over you as we- [pauses]

Link: [eyes wide] …

Ganondorf: … I DIDN’T MEAN THAT!

Link: [sobs] YOU MADE ME FEEL DIRTY! EEEEEH! [lunges to attack Ganondorf]

[“

X: The Motion Picture”/”Kill Bill”]

[Link and Ganondorf are fighting hand to hand and both of them are absolutely drenched in blood. The room is drenched in blood. Zelda’s crystal is soaked in blood, and so is Navi. Flower petals are flying around for some reason, and the bodies of all Link’s friends lie, horribly maimed, on the floor]

Link: [pauses, looks down at the floor] … JEEEEEZ. Squicky!

Ganondorf: [scrapes something off his shoe] Cripes, I don’t like this one and they call me “Bloody Ganon”.

Link: [frowns] No they don’t.

Ganondorf: … [mumbling] They SHOULD call me “Bloody Ganon”.

[“Braveheart”]

[Ganondorf and Link stand on opposite sides of the room. Link is wearing a kilt and half his face is painted blue. Ganondorf is dressed in a red coat.]

Link: [long pause, then yells at the top of his lungs:] FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Ganondorf: [face wrenches in fury] GRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

[“The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”]

[Heartbeat sound effects pound loudly through the theater as Link and Ganondorf lunge to attack. Suddenly, they read the subtitles and stop, landing and staring down at it in confusion.]

Link: …

Ganondorf: … Okay, how the hell do you want us to do THIS one?

Link: [shifting uncomfortably] I’m confused…

Ganondorf: What, we just… act in… [gulps] “character”?

Link: I think it means I just kill you.

Ganondorf: … huh?

[Link makes an angry face and stabs Ganondorf]

Link: DIE YOU SCUMBAG POOP!

[The creepy boss battle music ends as Ganondorf screams and pulls back away, clutching at his new stab wound. The heartbeat noises pick up again and he breathes heavily and glares at Link]

Ganondorf: OH NO WAY. NO FREAKING WAY CAN I, THE GREAT KING OF EVIL GANONDORF, BE DEFEATED BY SUCH A… SUCH A…

Link: [poses] Stud?

Ganondorf: … FREAKING MORON?!

Link: … HEEEEY!

Ganondorf: Gyah… no… [muttering] CAN’T… BE TRUE… NO, CAN’T BE TRUE… URK… MUST… FIGHT ON… [bleeding quite badly] URK… CANNOT… FALL NOW… MUST… KEEP… FIGHT- [vomits blood] … well now, that does look bad. Huh… I have the strangest pain from my chest cavity and I… erk… Man… What color is that?! [vomits blood again] …HOO, WOW, TWICE NOW… BETTER CALL A DOCTOR… I AIN’T FEELIN’ SO- [collapses to his knees] … SO… G-GOOD… NURSE… SERVANTS… MOMMY! LIIIIIIINK!

Link: Hey, don’t look at me! I ain’t gonna help you!

Ganondorf: [muttering under his breath] THAT WAS AN ENRAGED SCREAM.

Navi: Didn’t sound like it!

Ganondorf: WELL, I CAN’T EXACTLY FEEL MY LUNGS RIGHT NOW SO I THOUGHT I’D… ERK… [coughing quite badly] THIS… ISN’T… GOOD! GYAAAAH… IMPA, MY LOVE!

[Ganondorf collapses down on his hands and knees]

Link: … [eyes Navi and whispers] Is it over? Did I win?

Navi: … I… don’t know, Link!

Ganondorf: I GOT ONE MORE MOVIE FOR YA, PUNK!

Link: Eh?

[“EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER”]

[Ganondorf screams murderously and an explosion rockets through the tower. Link also screams and leaps away from it in slooow motion!]


Ganondorf: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The tower begins to rumble and crumble, and the stage blanks out in whiteness as Link and Ganondorf continue to scream wankily.]

[Now, back to our regularly scheduled musical.]

[When the lights dim again, Link is on his butt, cowering in terror a few yards away from Ganondorf, who is posing with his hands up in the air, shivering in what is suddenly the night air.]

Ganondorf: [looks at the audience, blood all over his face and clothes] … REMEMBER ME… FOR MY… HIPPIE… HAIR… ERK!

[He collapses to his knees and drops face-down to the ground, presumably dead. Heh. Yeah RIGHT. Oh, and his cape somehow moves THROUGH his body to land below him.]

Link: [still cowering with his eyes closed] … IS IT OVER?!

Navi: [short moment of silence] Holy… LINK… YOU DID IT! GANONDORF IS DEAD! YOU WON THE FINAL BATTLE! OH LINK, I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!

Link: [opens his eyes] … I DID IT?! [stands up and sneaks over towards Ganondorf’s dead body. He pokes it with his sword] … Ganon-dork? Ganon-dork? Gaaaaanon-dooooork… [poking continuously]

Navi: [chuckles nervously] Er hey, Link, maybe we’d better not TRY to make him wake up…

[Triumphant music plays, and Link pokes Ganondorf (who giggles) one more time before he and Navi look up. Zelda is using her mystical Sagey powers to lower her crystal down and it eventually fades away. She looks up with a serene expression on her face, before she crosses her arms and blows a gasket.]

Zelda: Okay. Okay. WHO IN THE HELL PLANNED THAT LAST SCENE?! THAT WAS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF IDIOTIC CRAP I’VE EVER SEEN, EVER!

Navi: Whaddya mean?

Zelda: [ranting at Link, Navi, and some stage crew guys] YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT SOMEHOW, GANONDORF WAS ABLE TO BRING DOWN THE ENTIRE TOP OF HIS TOWER AROUND US WITHOUT US BEING SQUASHED TO DEATH!? OR WITHOUT THERE BEING ANY RUBBLE IN SIGHT?! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT SOMEHOW, ALL THE HOLES MADE IN THE FLOOR DURING THAT FINAL BATTLE WERE “PLUGGED UP” WITH NON-EXISTANT DEBRIS!?

Stage Manager: … uhm… [checks his clipboard] … Yes.

Zelda: … IDIOTS.

Stage Crew: [shrug] Blame the author!

Zelda: [glares up at the sky] … IDIOT!

[She takes a deep breath and then turns back to Link, determined to finish this musical with some sort of sanity. She does not see the author draw a mustache on her.]

Zelda: Link, you did… [sighs dreamily] You did so wonderfully! I was so scared that it was all over there in the middle, but you pulled through… and you finally killed Ganondorf!

Link: [shakes his head] I couldn’t have made it by without all the help from my friends, the Sages… and Hymie…

Navi: [cough]

Link: … And Navi, I suppose.

Navi: [beams]

Zelda: [turns towards Ganondorf’s dead body and walks over to him] Hmmph… Ganondorf. Pitiful man. He was too weak to possess the power of the gods… [short pause, then she starts kicking him] TAKE THIS YOU STUPID BASTARD! AND THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS IS FOR KILLING MY DADDY, AND THIS IS FOR RIPPING DOWN MY CASTLE, AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME FLEE, AND THIS IS FOR OBSESSING OVER IMPA IN FRONT OF ME, AND THIS IS FOR HURTING LINK AND HIS FRIENDS, AND THIS IS FOR TAKING OVER THE WORLD AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME SCARED THAT YOU WOULD RAVISH ME LIKE IN THE FANFICS!

[Zelda pants for a moment and then sighs deeply]

Link: [wide eyes] … feel better?

Zelda: … Much!

[Suddenly, there is a loud, ominous rumbling from beneath their feet and dust begins rising from the castle’s foundation. All three of our heroes gasp.]

Link: Wh-what’s THAT?!

Navi: THE CASTLE IS COLLAPSING! Ganondorf must have used his last breath to crush us in the remains of the castle!

Zelda: [stomps her foot, screaming again] THAT’S MORONIC! GANONDORF’S LAST BREATH WAS TEN MINUTES AGO! YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT IT WAS ON SOME KIND OF TIME-RELEASE THING ONLY SET TO GO OFF WHEN I FINISH TALKING?!

Stage Manager: … [glances at his clipboard, then nods] Yes.

Stage Crew: [also nod]

Zelda: [HEAVING sigh] Oh good freaking grief… [then clears her throat and acts noble] We’ve got to escape, Link!

Link: A-DUUUH! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [runs towards the edge of the tower with his arms over his head, screaming]

Navi: LINK, YOU IDIOT! [she flies over and stops him before he leaps off, dropping him back onto the ground with a plop]

Link: [whimpering in terror]

Zelda: [crosses her arms] WE have to escape, Link. I know the way out, so please, follow me!

Link: [leaps to his feet] OKAY, ZELDA! I FACED MY FEARS AND KICKED GANONDORF’S ASS, AND DAMMIT, THERE’S NO WAY I’M GONNA LET ME BE CRUSHED TO OBLIVION BY A BIG CRUMBLING TOWER!

Zelda: [grins] That’s the spirit, Link!

Link: You go first.

Zelda: … [sighs heavily and heads down the tower.]

[Rather inappropriate for the moment guitar chords echo through the theater as Link, Navi and Zelda begin their Great Escape! Rocks are falling all over the place, the floor is rumbling, and things generally don’t look good for our heroes. But luckily, they still have time to sing “Steve McQueen” by Sheryl Crow for you on their way out!]

Link: [starts out the song as he pushes Zelda out of the way of some falling rubble]
Well, I went to sleep in Hyrule and I woke up in Ganon Land
But now the big bad King of Evil’s dead, and in it I had a hand!
And I don’t wanna die… so we gotta fly…

Zelda: [uses her mystical magicness powers to open a locked door]
This ain’t gonna be our final party, I still wanna have some fun
And I’m not gonna let the rocks smash us and then have the game be done
So we gotta run… We gotta run…

[They reach the room where all the jugs were and stop to belt out the chorus for us, those nice heroes! All the while they are stepping out of the way of deadly falling chunks!]

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
WE JUST KILLED THE EVIL KING
NOW WE WANNA GET OUT ALIVE!

Chorus Singers:
OO-OO!

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
SEE US AS WE RUN AND SCREAM
ONLY UNLIKE HIM, WE WON’T DIE!

All:
OOO-OOO-OOH!
OOO-OOO-OOH!

[They speed down into the next room, where they race across by leaping over flaming chunks of rubble and unlocking the next door, screaming like maniacs the whole way and waving their arms. After another quick trip on one of the many catwalks outside- I mean, come ON, Ganondorf, your castle would be EASY to escape from with all the routes you provided!- anyway, they’re back inside, racing down a long hallway.]

Navi:
I don’t wanna be a pancake, though I must admit they’re good
I’d rather bust out of this joint, escape this place, escape this hood
Before we’re outta time… we gotta fly…

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
SO MUCH FOR HIS KIDNAPPING
WE JUST GOTTA GET OUT ALIVE!

Chorus Singers:
OO-OO!

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
ONE OF US IS THE FUTURE QUEEN!

Link: [as they arrive outside on another catwalk thing]
… And GOOD GOD THIS LEDGE IS REAL HIGH!

All:
OOO-OOO-OOH!
OOO-OOO-OOH!

[More comical Scooby-Doo style running and screaming and flailing, in and out of doors inside, and then there’s a little battle with some Stalfos as Zelda is, in traditional fashion, held prisoner by a big useless wall of fire. But we don’t care about that, do we!? All we gotta know is now, our three heroes are bobbing and weaving through an army-style obstacle course formed out of rubble, continuing their song.]

Link:
Well, we got rocks fallin’ around us
And the way’s shut by iron doors…

Navi:
We got narrow ledges leading down through at least a thousand floors…

Zelda:
And our hero is a little bit lacking up in his brain…

[Short pause in the song as Link stares at her.]

Zelda: … what?

Link: [sighs, then bursts into song again]
Well you can offer me a cookie or tell me that you are my mom…
But I’m SO DONE with all this fighting, it’s time for me to be long gone!

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
WE JUST KILLED THE EVIL KING
NOW WE WANNA GET OUT ALIVE!

Chorus Singers:
OO-OO!

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
SEE US AS WE RUN AND SCREAM
ONLY UNLIKE HIM, WE WON’T DIE!
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
SO MUCH FOR HIS KIDNAPPING
WE JUST GOTTA GET OUT ALIVE!

Chorus Singers:
OO-OO!

Link, Zelda, Navi:
LIKE STEVE! MCQUEEN!
SEE US AS WE RUN AND SCREAM
ONLY UNLIKE HIM, WE WON’T DIE!

Chorus Singers:
OOOH! OOOH! OOOH!

[And we get a view of the exterior of Ganondorf’s castle, as Link, Navi and Zelda come racing out of it, screaming bloody murder and flailing and running as fast as their feet can carry them.]

[… Followed by an extremely big-budget shot of the castle collapsing on itself, with lots of colorful explosions and fireworks and the “Ode to Joy” playing in the background. Just… act impressed, okay?!]












[A long moment of silence. Finally, we see our three heroes again, standing a few hundred yards away from the center of the ruined tower, on the edge of the island that Ganondorf’s Castle had been on. They glance at each other, then at the ruins of the tower.]

Zelda: … OH HOLY MOTHER OF THE GODDESSES…

Link: [sighs] What is it now, Zelda?

Zelda: DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT A CASTLE COULD COLLAPSE UPON ITSELF INTO A PERFECTLY FLAT, ROUND THING APPROPRIATE FOR A FINAL BATTLE?!

Stage Manager: … yes?

Stage Crew: [shrug]

Zelda: GAH. I GIVE UP. [clears throat] … It’s over… it’s finally over…

Navi: [buzzing around] HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP, LINK…

Link: What?

Navi: We did it! We killed the Evil King! YOU DID IT, LINK! YOU REALLY ARE THE HERO OF TIME!

Link: [looks ecstatic] I DID DO IT, DIDN’T I?!

Navi: Yes, YES! YOU REALLY ARE THE HERO OF TIME!

Link: [eyes watering] I’M SOMEBODY! AM I SOMEBODY, NAVI?!

Navi: Yes, Link! YOU ARE LINK SOMEBODY, THE HERO OF TIME!

[Triumphant, Lion King style music plays in the background as Link falls to his knees for a monologue.]

Link: AFTER ALL THIS TIME, NAVI, ZELDA! SARIA, DARUNIA, IMPA, NABOORU, HYMIE!

Navi: [cough] Ruto?

Link: [ignoring her] AFTER ALL MY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS, ALL THE LAUGHTER AND THE TEARS, ALL THE FRIENDS AND ENEMIES WE MET ALONG THE WAY… THROUGH THE COMPLETION OF MY HEROIC CYCLE, NAVI, I HAVE AT LAST FOUND TRUE HEROISM! MY LEGEND IS COMING TO CLOSE, A SUCCESSFUL, WONDERFUL CLOSE! I AM AT LAST, SOMEBODY! I HAVE RISEN FROM MY MEASLY POSITION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE KOKIRI FOREST FOOD CHAIN EXCEPT FOR THAT KID WHO PICKS HIS NOSE AND EATS IT-

Navi: That was you, kiddo. [giggles nervously]

Link: - TO RISE UP AND BECOME A TRUE HERO! I AM SOMEBODY, NAVI! I AM SOMEBODY…
[bursts into song from the very first chapter]
Well I’ve seen the sights of Hyrule
And I’ve fought along the way
But just like I said, I would grow up and be someone someday
AND NOW THAT GANONDORF’S RULE HAS FALLEN…
I THINK IT’S SAFE TO SAY…

Navi and Chorus:
SAAAAFE TOOOO SAY!

Link, Navi, Zelda, Chorus:
SOMEDAY… IS POSSIBLY TODAAAAAAY!
SOMEDAY… IS POSSIBLY TODAAAAAAAY!
SOMEDAY… IS POSSIB-LY… TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

[The stage explodes in musical happiness and the soundtrack instantly changes to “We Like To Party” by the Venga Boys. All of our heroes and the chorus dance spastically to it, expressing their magical happy joy!]

Link: [dancing idiotically] But isn’t it a little strange?

Zelda: What?

Link: Well… er… why are we still here on the little floaty island thingy? Shouldn’t we go somewhere else to party?

Zelda: … huh. And it’s also strange that there is still some kind of creepy ominous feeling in the air, mostly coming from that stack of towers, over THERE.

Navi: Yeah, and it’s really weird that we’ve seen the last of the bad guy already even though if there’s one way to kill someone where it’s always convenient to make them not dead, it’s by hurling them off a cliff or a tall tower or crushing them in a building…

[The music pauses for a second.]

All Three: … naaaaaaaaaaah.

[“We Like To Party” starts over and our three heroes dance blissfully, idiotically, out of this chapter… But of course, we’ve all played Ocarina of Time and we know there are at LEAST two chapters left, so we’ll stick around a while longer.

… aw, but look. They’re so happy. Let’s just… let them dance for a little while, then we’ll come back and burst their bubble at the rebirth of Ganondorf as GANON, the great demon pig from beyond! Bubble-bursting is FUN!]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 26 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~