Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Six: Ganondorf's Tower ( Chapter 26 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical!
Butchered by Galaxy Girl!

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-SIX: Onward to Ganondorf's Badass Castle! - OR- The Bells of Notre DAMN - OR- The Big Bad Filler Dungeon O' Doom!

In this scene...

Link, the mighty Hero of Time!
Navi, his fairy sidekick!
Ganondorf, the King o' Evil!
Zelda, the Princess/Queen thingy of Hyrule!
The Six Sages!
Some random rehashed dungeon monsters!


(Scene: Ganon's Castle, exterior. The old castle grounds have gained quite a lively sheen now with the black, inky darkness and the gothic architecture and the molten lava pit thing. Link stumbles onto the grounds and takes in a heavy gasp.)

Link: GASP!

Navi: ... HOOOOLY SHAMOLEY... Look, Link! That horrible Ganondorf... look what he did to the beautiful castle... HE IRON-PLATED IT AND ADDED SPIKES AND DUG A HUGE LAVA MOAT OF PERIL!

Link: ...

Navi: Scared silent?

[Navi glances over and sees that Link actually hasn't seen the castle at all yet- as he stumbled onto the scene, he gasp as he tripped and slammed face-first into the ground, where he is still lying.]

Link: WHO TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT?!

Navi: ... [groans, flies down and kicks Link in the head] Idiot.

Link: [sits up, spits out dirt and looks around] Whaaat? AAAGGH! [gasps in horror and points at the castle] LOOK WHAT THAT HORRIBLE GANONDORF DID TO THE BEAUTIFUL CASTLE...

Navi: Is it possible that somehow, over the break between chapters, you lost 20 IQ points?

Link: Maybe. [shrugs, and stands up, clenching his fists] But idiot or not... Ganondorf's time in this world has come to an end. It's time I take my place as Hero of Time and bust his ass for good!

[As Link speaks, the clouds open up and a beam of light shines down upon him from up above. Ethereal, angelic chorus singer voices surround him as he continues]

Link: I've sat back and waited for this day long enough... Today is the day when evil ceases to control this realm and good finally makes a comeback! Prepare yourself, Ganondorf, because I won't exit that castle until you are DEAD and/or HORRIBLY MAIMED BEYOND THE POINT OF RULING ANYMORE!

Chorus Singers:
AAAAHHHHHH!

Navi: [shrugs] Hey, at least he's not running away in terror this time.

Link: [points at the castle like he means business] TO THE BIG EVIL CASTLE OF DOOM, NAVI!

Navi: RIGHT BEHIND YA, BUDDY!

[Triumphant music plays as Link runs towards the stairway to Ganon's Castle, a determined smirk on his face. Navi follows him, a determined smirk on her... um... well, she's determined, okay?]

Link: [starts humming along with the triumphant music] Dum da dum da dun-da-dum, da DAAA da dum, da dun-da-dum, da-da DUM da-da-da da-DUM, DA-DA-DAAAA-

[Suddenly, over Link's triumphant music rises the voice of Rauru, who is echoing creepily throughout the theater from an unknown location.]

Rauru: Link, the Hero of Time...

[The triumphant music shorts out and Link stops in his tracks as he hears Rauru's voice.]

Link: YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHAAAGGGHAHAHHAHAAHHHHHHHH!

Navi: [stops immediately] AIE! Link, what is it?!

Link: [bloodshot, bugging out eyes, pale, trembling face, looking quite insane] THE VOICES!! WAAGGGHHH, THE VOICES ARE SPEAKING TO ME!!

Rauru: ... Link, the Hero of Time...

Link: [drops to the ground and covers his head with his hands, screaming bloody murder] IT'S THE VOICES OF THE MONSTERS I KILLED, COME TO TORTURE ME INTO A SLOW INSANITY!

Navi: ... SLOW insanity? That came on pretty quick if you ask me.

Rauru: [sounding annoyed] Link, you idiot, this is Rauru.

Link: STOP TALKING TO MEEEEEEE!!! AAAGGGHHH!

[He crawls over to a convenient cow skeleton nearby and throws himself across it, sobbing wildly]

Navi: ... [stares up at the sky] I'm sorry.

Rauru: Would you please kick him, Fairy?

Navi: Gladly. [kicks Link in the butt, he snorts and stops crying]

Rauru: Link, you dumbnut, it's just ME, Rauru!

Link: ... [looks up at the sky very childlike] ... Oh.

Rauru: [clears his throat] This is the moment we have waited for, Hero of Time... the moment when you will vanquish the Evil King!

Link: [stands up, grins, and acts like the last part of the scene did not happen] HAHAHA.

Rauru: [speaking in a very grave tone] Ganondorf's Palace is full of many perils, puzzles, tests of wit and reflexes, booby-traps, tricks, dangers, pitfalls, jeopardous situations, torture-chambers, psychotic Gerudo women, depraved demonic guards, laser death-rays, evil curses, and mediocre cafeteria food. It will be a dangerous mission to reach the Evil King's inner sanctum, and then there's the whole difficult battle against the most ludicrously powerful mortal sorcerer the world has ever known, powered-up by a third of a holy sacred relic that grants supposed invulnerability and insane amounts of bad-asstitude.

Link: [deep voice] BRING IT ON.

Rauru: And as the Hero of Time, you must defeat these trials with naught but your courage, athleticism, wisdom and inherent dumb luck.

Link: Check, check, half a check and DOUBLE check.

Rauru: And as the Hero of Time, you must face them without the help of we Sages...

Link: CHEEEC- Hey, WHAT?! I was told that you would "always be with me"!

Rauru: We lied.

Link: [sounding pissed] DOOOOOHHH.

Rauru: YOUR MISSION IS AS FOLLOWS:

Link: [grumbling, stands at attention and listens]

Rauru: You are to break into Ganondorf's Castle, make your way to his chamber upstairs, defeat him in battle, rescue Princess Zelda and assist the Sages in successfully locking Ganondorf in the Sacred Realm.

Link: [sounding bored, kicks the dirt] Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Rauru: Your failure means the end of goodness, purity, light, the world and all that kind of thing as we know it, and the end of your $4 billion dollar 9-game contract with Nintendo of America and of Japan.

Link: [suddenly quite enthusiastic] BY GUMMI, I'LL DO IT!

Rauru: Thatta boy. Now... we Sages will do our part to grant you entrance into this forbidden fortress...

Navi: Thank you, Sages!

[The stage lights suddenly darken and the ethereal chorus singing starts up again. Rainbow-colored light bursts off the stage in the shape of a hippy-dippy rainbow bridge, which is exactly what it is! The Sages have combined their power to create a HIPPY-DIPPY RAINBOW BRIDGE!]

Chorus Singers:
LAAAA... LA LA LAAAAAAAAA!

Link and Navi: [admire the shiny bridge] Oooooh, aaaaaaah.

Link: Is that all the Sages can do when they're together?

Rauru: Mostly, yes.

Link: ... Riiiight. Well. [stands up, takes a step onto the bridge and smiles broadly.] Thank you for the hippy-dippy rainbow bridge, Sages... but it's time I begun fighting for myself... When I enter this castle, the days of people helping me out will be behind me...

[Sappy piano music starts up in the background]

Navi: I'll be by your side, Link!

Link: [smirks] Yes, but... It'll be up to me to defeat Ganondorf... I'm finally taking things into my own hands...

Navi: I smell a musical number.

Link: Oh yeah.

[Link drops to his knees on the rainbow bridge as pretty piano chords continue in the background. He smiles beatifically, and sings perfectly in key to "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John.]

Link:
Time for evil to go DOWN...
Time to liberate the land...
Time to gather my heroic charm
It's time to rise up and beat the MAN!

[He stands up and slowly walks up the bridge, stopping a moment later to continue singing.]

Link:
I can't be a screw-up forever...
People depend on me, too...
I've had them backing me up on the way, but
I've come too far in this thingy... to-

[Link and the chorus singers sing together, a very pretty melody. Well, hear the song to know what I mean.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
LOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOSE...
AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAAA-AAAA-AAAAAAHHHH...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...

Link: [stepdances on the bridge]
So goodbye, trippy Sage road!
Goodbye people standing at my back...
It's time I showed I'm a hero...
It's time to pick up the slack!
[He gazes up at the sky]
Time to go forward and fight for my life...
Time to defend my old HOOOOOOME.
Oh, I've finally decided to buckle down
And leave the trippy Sage-

Link, Navi and Chorus Singers:
ROOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOAD...
AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAHHHH...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAHHHHHH...
[All give a thumbs up sign]
YAAAAH.

[Link smiles at Navi and grins, as he continues his song]

Link:
You've always been a good friend
With you, I have a brain...
You nag a lot but when it really comes down
About you I can't COMPLAIN.

Navi: Awww. [blushes]

Link:
But I can't count on everyone else now...
This is how my fate should be...
I can't be letting you do all the work when
Everybody will be counting... on-

Link and Chorus Singers:
MEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEE...
AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAHHHH...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAHHHHHH...

Link:
So goodbye, trippy Sage road!
Goodbye running away like a girl
It's time I stop acting stupid!
It's time that I saved the world!
[He slides out on his knees and continues]
Time to stop nosebleeding when I see girls...
Time to stop being a CHOOOOOOOOAD.
Maybe I've finally stopped being an idiot...
Maybe, I left the Sage-

Link, Navi and Chorus Singers:
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOAAAAD!
AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAHHHH...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAHHHHHH...

Navi: [finishes up, shaking her head]
NAAAAAH.

Link: ... Meh, well it was worth a shot.

Navi: So you're throwing your whole song out the window, and you're gonna keep acting like a moron?

Link: Sounds good to me!

Navi: Whatever floats your boat, I suppose!

[Link nods triumphantly and heads inside the castle]

(Scene: Inside Ganondorf's Castle. OOOOHAAAAHSCARY! The chorus singers are humming scary-sounding tunes in very low voices, and there is the occasional horrified scream from prisoners down in the dungeon. The entrance hallway is long and dark, lit only by torches, with cute little skull insignias all down it. On the walls you can occasionally see framed Dragmire family pictures, including one of baby Ganondorf in a diaper with Koume and Kotake beside him. Link steps down the hall, very quietly inching along the wall.)

Link: [sticks his fingers in his ears] What is that ungodly noise?!

Navi: The tortured screams of prisoners?

Link: No... worse...

Navi: The growling of vicious demonic monsters?

Link: No... [rubs his ears, and winces] OWWWW.

Navi: Britney Spears' singing voice?

Link: Not that bad.

Navi: Oh... YAH! [now hears it as well, covers her own ears] YEEESH, THAT'S HORRIBLE!

Link: Sounds like Ganondorf getting organ lessons upstairs.

[The noise gets loud enough so that the audience can hear: it is someone playing "Chopsticks" on an organ. Very, very badly.]

Link: I MUST PUT A STOP TO THIS HORRIBLE EVIL.

Navi: Atta boy!

Link: [points ahead of himself, triumphantly] TO THE INNER SANCTUM!

[He bursts off running down the hall]

Navi: [freaks] WAAGH! LINK! NO, DON'T RUN!

Link: [singing, very loudly]
HEEEEEEEERE I COME, TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!

Navi: [chases after him] YOU IDIOT, WHAT ABOUT THE MONSTERS?! THE MONSTERS OF SEVERE PAIN AND DEATH LASERS?! OR THE CURSES?! THE CURSES OF IMMENSE SUFFERING AND TORTURE?

Link: [stops in his tracks] ... EH!?

Navi: [stops over his head, breathing heavily] Well come ON, Link... This is Ganondorf's HOUSE. I'm sure he keeps it guarded by some kind of horrible tricks and traps. Remember what Rauru said?

Link: About the monsters?

Navi: Yes... about the [she pulls out a long, long list of things and reads off of it] many perils, puzzles, tests of wit and reflexes, booby-traps, tricks, dangers, pitfalls, jeopardous situations, torture-chambers, psychotic Gerudo women, depraved demonic guards, laser death-rays, evil curses, and mediocre cafeteria food. [tucks her list away] So don't go running carelessly down any-

[She turns to see Link, running carelessly towards the exit]

Navi: ... LIIIINK.

Link: [stops and turns to stare at her] WHAT?!

Navi: You didn't let all that stop you before!

Link: But I wasn't INSIDE before!

Navi: Oh, COME ON! Be brave! You've seen all varieties of sick and disturbing monsters bent on bloodlust and destruction. What worse could Ganondorf possibly throw at you?

Link: How about a psycho homicidal hentai tentacle monster with a penchant for slash fanfics involving cute green-clad heroes?

Navi: ... Okay, that is worse.

Link: My thoughts exactly. G'bye!

Navi: But Link, there can't be a monster like that. This game/musical is rated E for Everyone!

[Link stops in his tracks, stomps back over to Navi with a severely dark look on his face]

Link: Come ON. You expect me to believe THAT?! This musical has had more sex jokes, nudity jokes, tentacle jokes, puberty jokes and double entendres than ANY OTHER STORY IN THE ENTIRE ZELDA SECTION, EVER.

Navi: [blinks, and flutters along the hallway towards the doors to the inner sanctum- Link follows her] But it's quite wholesome entertainment.

Link: YOU CALL RUTO LUSTING AFTER MY BODY "WHOLESOME"?

Navi: This is the THEATER, Link! The theater has a great history of entertaining the masses, ever since Ancient Greece! Why, the theater has moved the masses... inspired them, broadened their horizons and opened their eyes to a big wonderful world of new ideas...

Link: Are you talking about "theater" or about "musicals"?

Navi: I- [drifts off] ... Good point.

[As musical connoisseurs the internet over fling sharp pointy objects at the author, Link shrugs and ends up following Navi further down Ganondorf's Long and Ominous Welcome Hallway of Peril.]

Link: Well, I think for the sake of plot contrivance, I'll just find a backbone and keep going.

Navi: Good plan, good plan!

[Finally, after dispatching a few Beamos that the author is too lazy to make much of a big deal about, Link and Navi are standing in front of a shiny blue door that rather clashes with the rest of the black and gray and death motif.]

Link: Well... this is it, Nav... this is the door to the inner sanctum... Are you with me?

Navi: Right behind ya all the way, Link!

Link: Good... no matter what kind of horrible, mind-bending puzzles and annoying room gimmicks I may have to complete?

Navi: I'll never leave your side, Link!

Link: [spiritedly] No matter what kind of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters and demons I may have to slay mercilessly?

Navi: [voice drifting off a bit] Yeah, I'll be there, Link!

Link: [getting enthusiastic] No matter HOW MUCH PAIN AND TORTURE AND NASTY GANONDORF AND ME SLASHER FANFICS AND ANGSTY GOTH POETRY AND LONG, FRUITLESS HOURS OF SEARCHING IN VAIN AND POSSIBLE MENTAL SCARRIFICATION AT THE SIGHT OF ZELDA'S MUTILATED CORPSE WE MAY HAVE TO FACE?

Navi: [in a very, very unreassuring tone] ... yeah... suuure.

Link: [not seeming to notice Navi's discomfort, kicks open the door and runs in, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

[Link races into the Inner Sanctum (the big room with the Sage doors) and rushes blindly towards the door to the Inner Inner Sanctum. If that isn't redundant, my name is Earl. For goodness sakes, how paranoid IS this guy?! I thought Ganondorf was TEH GREAT EVIL KING, why the hell does he need three reinforced layers of steel and A FREAKING MOAT to keep out intruders?! Many a Girl Scout must have perished here... I used to be a Girl Scout, y'know. Sure, the cookies are tasty, but do you know what WE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GET YOU THOSE COOKIES?! TEH PAIN! TEH PAIN AND THE COLD AND THE SNOW AND ALL THE MEAN PEOPLE WHO GO, "Sorry, I'm on a diet!" AND THEY'RE NOT AND-

Er... sorry.

Anyhoo, Link charges blindly towards the bridge to the Inner Inner Sanctum, not even noticing the flashy swirly Barrier o' Death blocking the way.]

Navi: LINK, LOOK OUT FOR THE-

[Too late. Link slams face-first into the barrier, there is a tremendous electrical burst, and seconds later our hero is lying on the floor with his eyebrows and hair singed crispy.]

Navi: ... Ouch.

Link: [twitches] WHAT WAS THAT?!

Navi: I think it's a flashy swirly Barrier o' Death.

Link: GUARDING WHAT?!

Navi: Looks like I was wrong... this is just the Inner Sanctum. That must be the Inner Inner Sanctum.

Link: ... [sits up, squinting and rubbing his hair, which is falling out by the handful] What a paranoid loser! He honestly thinks someone is THAT determined to off him?!

Navi: You're determined to off him, Link.

Link: ... Oh yeah. [he reaches into his backpack and pulls out the mighty Hair Gel of Time, slicking it over his head and immediately restoring his hair to its natural, lustrous sheen] Well CRUD. How are we gonna get in there?

Rauru: Link...

Link: [screams bloody murder] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH THE VOICES ARE BACK!

Navi: Link, it's just Rauru.

Link: ... Oh.

Rauru: [speaking in a voice over] Oh for DIN'S SAKE. Link... it is as your fairy said. An impenetrable Barrier o' Death blocks the road to Ganondorf's Inner Inner Sanctum, aptly named Ganon's Tower. Six beacons that are sucking the power of the Sages are feeding the barrier to power it.

Link: Hey, can't YOU guys stop it? It IS using YOUR power, y'know.

Rauru: ... No. Everything difficult is your job, Link. Haven't you figured that out yet?

Link: ... DOOOOOOH.

Rauru: If you were to enter the six rooms surrounding the Inner Inner Sanctum on the outside wall of the Inner Sanctum...

Navi: So, they're in the... Outer... Inner... Sanctum?

Rauru: ... I think so.

Navi: Okay, gotcha.

Rauru: [coughs] If you can enter the Outer Inner Sanctum, pass through the trials and power down the beacons, the barrier will shatter and you will be able to enter the Inner Inner Sanctum. Do you understand?

Link: I have a question.

Rauru: Yes?

Link: Where is the Powder Sanctum? I have to take a leak.

Rauru: ... Down the stairs on the right, underneath the bridge you're standing on. The door is to the south. Can't miss it.

Link: Thank you, my good man.

Rauru: Good luck, Link! [his voice echoes away]

Link: [stands up, claps his hands triumphantly and rubs them together] SO! Now, we break into the six rooms and power down the beacons...

Navi: See the seals over the doors?

Link: [eyes the room to his left] Yep, Spirit Sea- ... Wait. The Spirit Seal?

Navi: That one's Forest.

Link: [going around counter-clockwise] Water... Shadow... Fire...

Navi: [points at the yellow seal] And Light.

Link: ... Why are the rooms named after the temples?

Navi: Didn't Rauru explain that?

Link: ... [his face grows serious] ... I just got a horrible feeling about this.

Navi: What?

[Link runs over to the Spirit Room and opens the door, taking a peek inside. He lets out a dejected groan of anger and stomps back into the Inner Sanctum.]

Link: WELL CRAP.

Navi: Crap what?!

Link: THESE ROOMS ARE ALL REHASHINGS OF THE PUZZLES IN THE TEMPLES!

Navi: Oh NOOOO!

Link: [clenches his fist] I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THOSE STUPID THINGS!

Navi: OH DRATITALL!

Link: [fuming as he stomps back towards the Spirit Room] AGGH... I HATE REPEATING MYSELF! THIS MAKES ME SO MAD... SO MAD I COULD... I COULD...

[Two loud rock guitar beats slam as Link enters the room.]

Link: [yelling to a drum beat as he smacks his forehead]
OY! OY! OY!

[Link crosses his arms and stops angrily down the corridor of the Spirit Room, shaking his head fitfully and singing to the drum, low piano and bass beats of "Hit That" by The Offspring. This may very well be the most modern song I've ever done in this musical. WOO. I like this song, it's cool!]

Link: [grunting, as he shoves Armos statues around]
How's that for fortune?!
That's really lame!
Most bad-ass dungeon...
It's such a shame...
Here I was thinkin'
It'd be real hard
But then the game designers go and pull the "Review" card, say-

[To save time, Link busts the Spirit Barrier and receives a shrug of apology from Nabooru, who then transports him back out into the Inner Sanctum. The place is suddenly looking like a nightclub, with bright rainbow-colored lights and strobes all over the place, as Link does a rock-style dance and goes into the chorus]

Link and Navi: [yelling to heavy drums and guitars]
JEEZ, WHAT A BORE!
THIS DUNGEON IS A SNORE!

Link:
These are all puzzles...
I've done before, now I say-

Link and Navi:
I'M NOT IMPRESSED!
THIS REALLY IS THEIR BEST?!

Navi:
Jeez, we already did that!
Yes we already did that, did that-

[The scene cuts forward, now Link is very carefully trying to balance over the fans and skinny platforms in the Forest Room, finally reaching the end of the room and kicking the door in]

Link: [quickly fires a Light Arrow at the beacon]
ALL OF THE WORLD lives in fear of this place!
I'D LIKE TO GET IN THE designer's face!

Navi:
But that's the way that
That's the way things GOOOO-OOO...

Both: [pelvic thrust in time to the beat]
OY! OY! OY!

[Saria appears, shakes her head, and seconds later, Link and Navi are back out in the Inner Sanctum, amid the same flashing rave lights, heading towards the next room.]

[Instrumental. Link is now pushing the giant ice block around through the Water Room, and slipping and falling down a lot.]

Link: [singing in a very sarcastic tone]
Oh, it's so novel!
Oh, it's so new!
[normal tone]
Don't mind me saying...
But we got screwed.

Navi:
Repeating old stuff
Just isn't fun
Look on the bright side, at least we'll hurry and get done say-

[Ruto appears briefly to give Link a snobby glance (she doesn't like him yelling in songs, you see) and teleport him magically back outside where his dance continues.]

Link and Navi:
SOME FINAL TEST!
IT'S JUST LIKE ALL THE REST!

Navi:
Except the puzzles...
Have been watered-down and compressed, MAN-

Link and Navi:
JEEZ, WHAT A BORE!
WE'VE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE!

Link:
Yes, we already did that
Yes, we already did that, did that-

[Link and Navi wander carefully through the Shadow Room, feeling around for where the floor is and very nearly tumbling off a few times]

Navi:
GANONDORF'S obviously lost his touch!
IS A HARD challenge asking way too much?!

Link: [shakes his head and scowls, bringing down the Shadow beacon]
That's the way that
That's the way things GOOOO-OOOO...

Both: [pelvic thrust]
OY! OY! OY!

[Impa sighs dejectedly and teleports them back outside. They somehow reach inside the Fire Room before the music slows down, and Link and Navi do a little trade-off duet thingy of sorts.]

Link: [clinging to a rock island in a room filled with lava]
This is so-

Navi:
MESSED UP!
Really sucks, really such a shame...
They can't-

[Darunia appears long enough to clap his hands, and then Navi and Link are in the Light Room, running away from a boulder]

Link:
INVENT STUFF!
Like I said, everything's the same...
If this is-

Navi:
SUPPOSED TO!
Be a test, last one in the game...

[Link shoots down the Light beacon, and Rauru appears to shake his old-ass booty for a moment, then teleport them back out into the Disco Inner Sanctum]

Link: [kneeling on the floor]
Well...
Now that I've tried it...
I can't deny it, I say-

[The Inner Sanctum becomes filled with headbanging Lizalfos, Wolfos, Stalfos and other Zelda monsters whose name end with the suffix "fos", as well as a few Iron Knuckles. The Sages are in a dance line behind them, doing as best they can to can-can (But Rauru's old, Saria's short, Darunia's fat... yeaaah.)]

All in Room:

JEEZ, WHAT A BORE!
THIS DUNGEON IS A SNORE!

Link:
These are all puzzles...
I've done before, now I say-

All:
I'M NOT IMPRESSED!
THIS REALLY IS THEIR BEST?!

Navi:
Jeez, we already did that!
Yes we already did that, did that-

Link and Navi:
ALL OF THE WORLD lives in fear of this place!
I'D LIKE TO GET IN THE designer's face!
But that's the way that...
That's the way things GOOOO-OOOO...

All: [pelvic thrust]
OY! OY! OY!

[On the third pelvic thrust, the Barrier o' Death vanishes, shattering into a million pieces. The disco lights and Sages also disappear, leaving Link and Navi in the Inner Sanctum with at least a hundred monsters.]

Link: [still posing, looks around at the monsters]

Navi: Um...

Monsters: GRRR!

Link and Navi: [scream like girls] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!

[And they shoot off into the Inner Inner Sanctum as fast as their little legs can carry them.]

(Scene: The Inner Inner Sanctum, aptly named Ganon's Tower. Link enters a dark room with winding stone stairs on the left, and ominous organ music plays from up above. Link looks up to see a whole flock of Fire Keese swarming around, just waiting to tangle themselves in his hair and ignite that oh-so-flammable wad of Hair Gel of Time.)

Link: [grunts, and tightens his grip around his bow]

Navi: All right... now, we are in the Lower Inner Inner Sanctum. If the game guide is correct, all we have to do is kill a bunch of random bad guys on our way up to the top tower where Ganondorf is waiting.

Link: The Upper Inner Inner Sanctum.

Navi: Exactly.

Link: [sniffles, and wipes away a tear as he takes aim with the bow. Wait... how is that possible] Jeez...

Navi: What's wrong Link? Nervous?

Link: No... I... I just realized that... after today, my reasons for mindlessly killing everything that moves that I come upon will no longer be justified.

Navi: Kinda oblivious to all the rest of your games, aren't you, Link?

Link: ... wha?

Navi: Erm... Ah. I'm so sorry, Link... [looks mournful]

Link: It'll be so hard to say goodbye...

Navi: Well, why don't you really savor these last few bloody slaughters? That way, they can be with you always.

Link: [sniffles] That's so deep, Nav... I think I will.

[Extremely inappropriate soft piano music starts up, as Link begins sniping Keese out of the room. They fall to the ground dead, and Link voice-overs over their squeals of agony.]

Link: [in a neat echoey voice]
I've been having... these weird thoughts lately.
Like... does this make me a psychopath, or not?

[The eerie piano music continues, and Link races up the stairs only to find more Keese. He loads up a Light Arrow (just for the heck of it) and aims it at one Keese in a circle of them.]

Link: [takes a very, very deep breath and prepares to sing]
Ooooooooh...

[He fires the arrow and in a neat and physically impossible chain of events, the single Keese explodes which causes all the rest to explode in blood and guts and screams of agony. At that precise second, magical music starts up and Link pours his heart and soul into a medley appropriately dub "Sweet Memories of Blood and Pain". First up it's "Simple and Clean" from Kingdom Hearts, by Utada Hikaru! HAHAHAHAHA.]

Link: [singing very dramatically as he offs Keese]
WHEN YOU'RE PISSED LIKE ME
YOU'LL BE FILLED WITH GLEE
Violence... is the way... to go!
SIMPLE AND CLEAN IS THE WAY THAT I FEEL WHEN I'M KIIIIILLING THINGS...
It's hard to let it go...

[The music silences, and Link rushes into the next room, where he is confronted by an inferno of fire around a treasure chest and a variety of Dinolfos (Like Lizalfos that suck less) aiming to kill him. He begins to slaughter them in a beautiful dance, as the melody picks up with a saxophone and the song changes to "Careless Whisper" by WHAM!, Tamia, or George Michael, depending on what you listen to. It was in "Night at the Roxbury".]

Link: [in a sappy voice, tears running down his face, and blue lights and disco balls all around him as he maims the monsters]
Time can never mend...
The anger of a kid like me, with no friends...
My heart and mind...
In time, were left behind...
I'm still technically a youth...
My rage may seem uncouth...

It made me feel better...

[Link puts down his sword and runs up to one unsuspecting Stalfos, twirling him and dancing gracefully. The Dinolfos gets a dreamy look in his eyes, as one usually does when dancing with Link.]

Navi and Chorus: [singing backup]
Oooooooooooh...

Link: [dipping and twirling the Dinolfos]
But now I'm not sure
If my hobby of mindless slayings can endure
After Ganon dies, I won't be surprised
If I receive some kind of thing...
That'll make me say goodbye...

Navi and Chorus:
OOOOOOOOOOO-WAAAAH!

[Link pushes the Dinolfos to the floor, whips out his bomb back and the rubber glove we saw earlier. He sings soulfully as he brings new meaning to the phrase "lower digestive trouble]

Link, Chorus and Navi:
I MAY NEVER GET TO KILL AGAIN...
I TOLD THOSE MONSTERS THAT I'D GET 'EM...
BUT IN POLITE SOCIETY
TO SLAUGHTER ISN'T COOOOOOOOL...

Link: [stands up and sings, while there is a terrible groan from the floor followed by an explosion of ground beef]
I should've known that my happy days would end!
That blessed right that I'd been given...
So I'll never get to kill again...
[he reaches down and picks up the Dinolfos' abandoned helmet]
No killing freaks like yoooooooou...

[Off on the side, a random man plays the saxophone as Link dances with all the grace of a ballerina towards the door and up the stairs outside. Ganondorf, upstairs on his organ, just happens to be playing the same song on his organ. As Link kicks in the next door, the song switches back to "Simple and Clean".]

Link:
My destiny...

Chorus Singers: [like they'd forget]
DEEEESTIIIINYYYYYY!

Link:
Allowed leeee-nien-cy
To slay things...
Oh, whoa
They'd take one look at me...
And say-

Stalfos: [fall on their knees in a line around Link and plead]
PLEASE DON'T CUT OFF OUR ARMS NOW!
WE'RE NOT THE BIG GUYS, ONLY CAN...NON FODDER!

Link: [nods to them appreciatively]
When you're in my shoes you'll uuuuunderstand
How it feels to TAKE IT OUT
On monsters who really don't deserve it!

[Sparkly sound effects bring Link into the next part. In a single slash, he decapitates the Stalfos with a spray of blood and dances around on their corpses.]

Link and Chorus:
WHEN YOU'RE PISSED LIKE ME...
YOU'LL BE FILLED WITH GLEE...

Link: [singing sweetly, as blood drips off of his hands and tunic]
Violence... is the way... to go!
SIMPLE AND CLEAN IS THE WAY THAT I FEEL WHEN I'M KIIIIILLING THINGS...
It's hard to let it go...

Oh, so simple and cleeeeeean...

[He steps towards the door and two sexy Gerudo women with a hose wash him down in time for the blue disco lights to start up again. Link skips merrily up the stairs and into the next room, which contains Iron Knuckles.]

Link: [still to "Simple and Clean"]
The little things...

Navi: [explaining helpfully]
Like Deku Scrubs and Keese and stuff...

Link:
Used to keep me... busy...
Ooooocassiionnnalllyyyy-yy-yyyy.
I'D KILL A BOSS OR THREE...
But now-

Iron Knuckles: [singing together as they stomp forward with their axes]
IF YOU CAN EVEN GET THROUGH
YOU'LL HAVE TO OBEY THE LAWS OF LAND... AND WATER!

Link: [sobbing angrily as he pulls out the Biggy and points it at them]
I won't believe it
The Heeeerrooo of Time
Is immune from stupid things
Like police and first-degree death crime!

[Navi and the Chorus Singers take this line as Link leaps upon the Iron Knuckles and a big dust cloud rises up, blocking our view from Link dismantling them gruesomely.]

Navi and Chorus:
WHEN YOU'RE PISSED LIKE HIM
THINGS ARE LOOKING GRIM...
Violence... is the way... to go!

Link: [emerges from the tussle victorious, with some shiny jewelry made out the the IK's metal]
SIMPLE AND CLEAN IS THE WAY THAT I FEEL WHEN I'M KIIIIILLING THINGS...
It's hard to let it go...

[The song sweeps up and the lights in the room dim to that blue disco thing again. Link sings soulfully, to "Careless Whisper" again.]

Link: AND IT SUCKS, BECAUSE-
I MAY NEVER GET TO KILL AGAIN...
I TOLD THOSE MONSTERS THAT I'D GET 'EM...
BUT IN POLITE SOCIETY
TO SLAUGHTER ISN'T COOOOOOOOL...

Link, Navi and Chorus: [swaying back and forth gracefully]
I should've known that my happy days would end!
That blessed right that I'd been given...
So I'll never get to kill again...
No killing freaks like yoooooooou...

[The dramatic music begins to slow down, as Link does a funky little John Travolta-esque disco number and sways back and forth.]

Link: You heard me...
I MAY NEVER GET TO KILL AGAIN...
I TOLD THOSE MONSTERS THAT I'D GET 'EM...
BUT IN POLITE SOCIETY
TO SLAUGHTER ISN'T COOOOOOOOL...

Link, Navi and Chorus: [swaying back and forth gracefully]
I should've known that my happy days would end!
That blessed right that I'd been given...
So I'll never get to kill again...
No killing freaks like yoooooooou...

[The saxophone guy makes a reappearance and plays wildly, and Link walks over to him and snaps his fingers dramatically, doing some... um... poetry.]

Link:
Oh baby...
Killing made me happy...
I'm not a serial killer, you see...
I'm just a hero...
Tryin' to save the ladies, especially...
It makes me so sad...
When they tell me I need to spend some time...
In a padded room...
But I saved them from their doom...
If it weren't for me...
This world'd be in gloom...
[singing again]
I MAY NEVER GET TO KILL AGAIN...
I TOLD THOSE MONSTERS THAT I'D GET 'EM...
BUT IN POLITE SOCIETY
TO SLAUGHTER ISN'T COOOOOOOOL...

Link, Navi and Chorus: [swaying back and forth gracefully]
I should've known that my happy days would end!
That blessed right that I'd been given...
So I'll never get to kill again...
No killing freaks like yoooooooou...

[Link nods to acknowledge the saxophonist again, and begins wiping the monster blood off his body with a Wetnap as the soulful music continues. Finally, he slings the Master Sword back in its sheath, and heads towards the final door leading into the Upper Inner Inner Sanctum.]

Link: [turns around one more time as the music fades] Signing off... Link, the Monster Hunter.

[He exits the room. Oh, the drama! OH, THE PASSION! Oh, I'll never forgive myself for doing that to Utada Hikaru. @_@]

(Scene: A few seconds later, in the Upper Inner Inner Sanctum, the room with all the pots in it. Navi gazes at the locked Boss Door ahead of them, and nods officially.)

Navi: Link... you ready?

[Over her shoulder, Link is gleefully laughing and smashing every pot he can get his hands on by kicking them or sitting on them.]

Link: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! WOW, THIS IS THE COOLEST ROOM EVER!

Navi: LINK! Those are supposed to be reinforcement supplies for the battle against Ganondorf! Don't waste them all now!

Link: AWWW, BUT THEY'RE FUN!

Navi: FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! YOU'RE MINUTES AWAY FROM THE PIVOTAL BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!

Link: [nods officially and rejoins Navi in front of the door] RIGHT. FOCUS LINK, FOCUS...

Navi: Gee, you know what really helps me to focus when I'm nervous?

Link: What's that, Nav?

Navi: Product placement.

Link: ... [blinks] Whaddya mean?

(Scene: A few seconds later, triumphant music plays and we have a view of inside the Upper Inner Inner Sanctum Staircase. Link is running like a marathon runner up the stairs as fast as he can, sweating and panting.)

Navi: YOU CAN MAKE IT, LINK!

Link: GRRR! [looking tired]

Navi: COME ON, YOU'VE ALMOST GOT IT!

Link: GRRRRR!! [really looking tired]

Navi: LINK! [holds up a bottle of sports drink]

Link: [grins and takes the bottle from her, chugging it all in one drink and beginning to sweat purple] YEAH! I FEEL LIKE A MILLION RUPEES, ONLY SHINIER!

[The triumphant music climaxes as Link reaches the top of the stairs where he stops, spins towards the camera/audience, and grins cheesily. He pulls out another bottle of sports drink, and guzzles it.]

Link: Link, the Hero of Time, drinks GERBILADE! DID YOU DRINK ANY?!

[A large Gerbilade corporate logo zooms in around Link as he and Navi pose cheesily.]

Commercial Director: And... CUT!

[Link throws away the bottle of Gerbilade and whips out his sword again.]

Link: THAT IS SOME NASTY JUICE.

Navi: Well now, don't you feel better about your impending doom?

Link: [glances at her strangely]

Navi: Er... your impending PROBABLE doom?

Link: [kinks an eyebrow at her]

Navi: ... Your SUCCESS?

Link: [sighs] Actually, I don't feel better at all. How was that supposed to help?

[Link is suddenly handed a big fat purse full of golden Rupees. His eyes widen and he grins even wider]

Navi: How about now?

Link: [suddenly very happy] LET'S GO KICK SOME EVIL KING EVIL ASS!

[Ominous music plays as Link stands in front of the door to Ganondorf's Inner Upper Inner Inner Sanctum- OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS! Anyway, Link and Navi stand before the great door, evil organ music and laughter emanating from inside.]

Link: [voice-overing] This... this is it... This is the moment I have been waiting for since he beat my punk ass when I was a kid... This is the moment when all Hyrule places their hope and their future on my shoulders... I can't screw it up! I mustn't screw it up! I WILL DEFEAT GANONDORF. I MUST DEFEAT GANONDORF. I-

Navi: All right, all right, Yuna, we get it.

Link: [grumbling, but still voice-overing] Will I be able to save the world? Everyone is trusting in me... I can't let them down...
[now he yells]
GANONDORF, HERE I COME!

Navi: But first...

Link: [glances at her disdainfully] WHAT?! I've waited long enough!

Navi: [whispers something in his ear]

Link: [listens carefully, then his eyes widen]

[Link clears his throat and glances at the audience, smiling.]

Link: I will defeat Ganondorf and beat his shiny hiney to kingdom come... after these messages!

[A large sign printed in crayon reads: INTURMISHUN. 1930's style ragtime plays in the background, and the scene fades out.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 26*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~~~ END OF ACT 2~~~









(A/N: ... Sorry. I haven't the willpower to write out the ENTIRE Ganondorf battle in this chapter. ^___^;;; Besides, that would ruin my plan to have 30 chapters. 30 is a nice, round, even number, don't you think? CHAPTER 27 IS COMING SOON, ALL YOU LUCKY PEOPLE!!

Love
~GG )