Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Five: Temple of Time & Sheik ( Chapter 25 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
This chapter is CHOCKFULLASPOILERS! Like, for example, Link has *** ******** ** *******! And Navi ***** *****'* ******! But he's actually * ******, more specifically ******** *****! And Ganondorf *** *** *** **** *** **** but she ***** ******* ** ** **** ***! THE SCANDAL.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 08.12.2004 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 17 | Words: 8.3K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
This chapter is CHOCKFULLASPOILERS! Like, for example, Link has *** ******** ** *******! And Navi ***** *****'* ******! But he's actually * ******, more specifically ******** *****! And Ganondorf *** *** *** **** *** **** but she ***** ******* ** ** **** ***! THE SCANDAL.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 08.12.2004 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 17 | Words: 8.3K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Mishmashed by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER/SCENE 25: Scandalously Shocking Secrets about Sheik! -or- De Day O' Destiny Approaches -or- Damn, Zelda, Where You Been?
In this scene...
Link, our lovable Hero of Time!
Navi, his lovable fairy!
Sheik, Shekshay Sheikah of the Year
Zelda, Princess M.I.A.!
The Voice of Ganondorf, Creepy Evil King Man Dude!
The Six Sages!
King of Double Entendre, Perverted Poe Guy!
Watch your ass, it's a few random Redeads!
~~~~~~~SPECIAL AUTOGRAPH FOR HIME~~~~~~~~~~~
Hiiiii, Himemiya!!! I love you! (in a non prison-movie sort of way!) You'll always be my Rose Bride, and there's no one I'd rather cripple horribly by yanking a sword out of their chest.
^___________^ LOVE, PEACE, AND VASH THE STAMPEDE!
~GG-sama!!!!
2-10-04 (THIS IS A STICKER OF AUTHENTICITY RIGHT.... HERE!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Today in the Author's Note, it's time for GG's patented "RANT ABOUT FAN SLASHERS". This is merely my own opinion, you are not required to read it or look into it at all. I am not a homophobe, nor do I discriminate against people of any specific sexual orientation or people who like to write about people of any specific sexual orientation. If this rant insults you in any way, the author suggests that you immediately throw both hands in the air and scream at the top of your lungs, "OH MY GOD, THE LLAMAS ARE COMING!", then proceed to run screaming to the nearest supermarket. Head to the aluminum foil aisle and make yourself a full body foil suit, then march to the deli and tie yourself to the meat slicer and threaten all who come to arrest you off with a stale loaf of French bread and a homemade catapult launching potato salad at the approaching cops. When they arrest you, behave absolutely normally and deny any implications of assault with a deadly baked good or unlicensed use of aluminum foil as undergarments.
This won't make you any less insulted, but I think it'd be pretty funny to read about in the newspaper.
I have nothing against fan slashers. It's insane fan slashers that make me want to cry. The ones that figure, "Hey, there's a canon couple, but wouldn't it be more fun if they were gay?!" The ones who pair up COMPLETELY RANDOM INDIVIDUALS AND HURT MY WEE LITTLE BRAIN! AAGGH!!! JUST BECAUSE HAMEL AND RAIEL/SIRIUS AND REMUS/LINK AND MIDO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS/ENEMIES/IMPARTIAL TO EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE SUDDENLY GAY AND HAVING WILD MONKEY SEX ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
And no living person should ever be subjected to a Harry/Dumbledore fanfiction. I mean... GOD, THAT'S WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL EVER.
... thank you. Without further adieu, the chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
(Scene: Right in front of Hyrule Castle, staring at the broken drawbridge and lovely gothic architecture off in the distance is our friend, Link, clutching his sword and staring determinedly. Navi flutters over his shoulder.)
Navi: Well...this is it, Link ol' buddy ol' pal. Just a hundred yards away is the Temple of Time, the person we're supposed to meet, and your destiny...
Link: ... [silent]
Navi: [getting dramatic] This is the moment we've prepared for... the Six Sages are awake, and you are finally the real Hero of Time! But... now... I wonder...
Link: ... [still silent, scratching his butt]
Navi: I wonder... now that we've given you all the help we can... Can you do it, Link?
Link: ... [still silent, sniffles and wipes his nose]
Navi: ... Link...?
Link: ... [still silent, picking his nose]
Navi: ... are you listening to a word I'm saying?
[But suddenly, Link removes his hand from his nose and spins around, bursting into song as soft piano chords enter in the background.]
Link: [to the tune of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen (You know, actually, this is the last Queen song until the finale!)]
Toniiiiiight...
I'm gonna prove myself... Hero of Time...
I feel aliiiiiiiii-hiiii-hiii-hiiiiiiiiiive!
And the wooooooooorld'll turn right inside ouuuuuut, yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy... so-
Chorus Singers: [high voices]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOOW...
DON'T! STOP! HIM!
Link: [points at himself, grinning]
Cause I'm the Hero of Time, the Hero of Time!
[The stage ignites into a huge musical number, complete with women in fruity feathery costumes, wire dancers, confetti, flashing lights, and the Sages in the background doing an organized dance number.]
Link: [shuffles around as beautiful dancing women in sparkly outfits appear around him]
I've spent so many days out on the road, like a drifter
With my little fairy named Naviiiiiii
So many temples passing us by, cleared them like a sifter
And now I go, go, go, there's no stopping MEEEEEEE-
My path's in front of me!
Six Sages I saved, that's why they call me Mr. Destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYYYY!
Link:
That Ganondorf'll finally seeeeee!
I'm gonna make a-
Link, Chorus Singers:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
Chorus Singers: [dancing, gospel choir style]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
I'm a studly Hero of Time...
I'm having a ball!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link: [does a fancy dance]
If you wanna have the day saved...
Just gimme a call!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Cause I'm the Hero of Time!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Yes, I'm the Hero of Time!
I don't wanna stop at aaaaaaall, yeah!
Navi: [interrupts] LINK, BUT DID YOU HEAR WHAT I ASKED-
Link: [completely ignores her, continues his lively song]
I'm a 10-year-old lookin' so adult!
It's not my fault you know. I'm so innocent. And out of control-
I'm a sex machine ready to reload!
Females on Stage: [faint] UNNNHHH!
Males on Stage: [trip over the unconscious females, and bring the entire dance line crashing down in a big heap]
Link:
Like a studly bomb ready to
Link and Chorus:
WHOA... WHOA... WHOA... WHOA... WHOA EXPLOOOOOOODE!
Link:
My path's in front of meeeeeee!
Six Sages I saved, that's why they call me Mr. Destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYYYY!
Link:
That Ganondorf'll finally seeeeee!
I'm gonna make a-
Link, Chorus Singers:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
[Link struts about, stepping over the fallen dancers and snapping his fingers. Meanwhile, Navi eats popcorn.]
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM...
Link: HEY HEY HEY!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... WOOO OOOH OOH!
Link: I LIKE IT!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM...
Link: Hero of Time, of Time-
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[Link slides out on his knees and jams out some air guitar, as the female dancers are helped to their feet by the males, and handkerchiefs are passed out. Navi sits idly by, counting lights. Suddenly, Link is lifting into the air on a wire, so he's flying around and doing fancy pants tricks as part of the routine. He spins around and continues singing]
Link: [pretending to run in midair]
OOOOOOOHHHH... MY PATH'S IN FRONT OF ME!
SIX SAGES I SAVED, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MR. DESTINY!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYY!
Link:
THAT GANONDORF'LL FINALLY SEE, I'M GONNA MAKE A-
Link and Chorus:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOOW!
Link: [shimmying]
I'm a studly Hero of Time...
I'm having a ball!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link: [shakes his butt]
If you wanna have the day saved...
Just gimme a call!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Cause I'm the Hero of Time!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Yes, I'm the Hero of Time!
Link and Chorus:
I don't wanna stop at AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL...
Link:
La la la la la laaaaa... la la la laaaaaaaaa... laaaaa laaaahahahaaaa... lalalaaaaa...
[The dancers and bright lights slowly fade away, and Link points triumphantly towards the castle]
Link: LET'S GO TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME, NAVI!
Navi: You're still on your wire, Link.
[Sure enough, Link is still hovering a few feet in the air, suspended on a wire harness.]
Link: Eh? Oh... Wire team, let me down now please!
Link's Wire Team: [currently on coffee break]
Link: ... [suspended in the air, blinks and groans] DRAT!
Navi: Can't you just jump?
Link: The harness is done up over underwear and under my tunic...
Navi: So you're stuck?
Link: ... [sighs] Looks like it.
Navi: ... well... um... I could cut you down.
Link: [whining loudly] That would hurt!
Navi: Fine! Then we just get to wait until your wire team gets back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK'S WIRE TEAM RETURNED ONLY TO BE FIRED THUS ASSURING THAT HE WILL NOT BE AIRBORNE FOR THE REST OF THE PRODUCTION AND THEN LINK AND NAVI HEADED INTO THE CASTLE TOWN...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Scene: The dreary, crashed-out, decaying zombified castle town, occupied by our favorite sexual predatory undead. Link flattens himself against a building and peers suspiciously across the way.)
Navi: How's it look, Link?
Link: Buildings smashed, grotesque zombified souls of the damned walking about, everything looks normal.
Navi: Good... now... if we just make it across the courtyard without being brutally attacked from behind by-
[Suddenly, Link is brutally attacked from behind by... ]
Link: [grabbed around the neck, screams like a woman] AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S GOT ME NAVI AAAAAAHHHH LET GO OF ME STAY AWAY FROM MY BUTT YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP-
Navi: LIIIINK- HIYYYYAAAAAAAAA!
[With more force than seems possible, Navi flings herself wildly at the attacking figure and karate kicks him/her/it in the nose. The figure screams and falls over backwards, landing on the ground in a heap]
Link: [breathing heavily] Thanks Nav... pant... pant... pant...
Navi: [claps hands] No problem. NOW WHO ARE YOU YOU-
[They turn around and see a pale, clammy, one-eyed, freaky little man in a tattered robe, rolling around and clutching his eye in pain. Why, it's Perverted Poe Guy!]
Perverted Poe Guy: OWWWWW!!! MY EYEEEEE!!
Link: ... Oh. It's just you... that... creepy... Poe... thing.
Navi: And whaddya mean, your eye? I clearly hit you in the nose! It said so in the stage directions!
PPG: I DON'T HAVE A NOSE YOU LITTLE TOAD!! OW! OWIE!! Oh... CRUD, I have double-vision! I haven't had double-vision since I mutated! WAAHHH...
Link: [whispering] What do you want? We're busy trying to meet someone at the Temple of Time... and it's already taken more time than it should have, considering that we could have just WARPED there.
PPG: [wobbles up to his feet, waving a hand in front of his face] CRUD... I've lost my depth perception! I'LL SUE YOUR ASS FOR THIS, FAIRY!
Navi: Um... you only have one eye. You didn't have any depth perception to begin with.
PPG: ... [scratches his head] Oh yeah. Well... how can I... [pause, in a seductive voice] HELP you, my boy?
Link: ... [shudders] Um... you bothered US?
PPG: ... Oh... so I did... [hobbles forward on his cane] Hmm. So... you say you were... BOTHERED?
Link: You are one sick little cycloptic mutant.
PPG: Why thank you. I try.
Link: Look, freako... What did you want? We have to hurry up and get across the square.
PPG: Ah, yes. I was wondering... if you remembered the... DEAAAAAL we made.
Link: ... what deal?
PPG: The DEAAAAAL.
Link: [glares at Navi] WERE YOU SIGNING STUFF WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AGAIN?
Navi: [indignantly] NOOOO!
Link: [turns back to the PPG] Whachou talkin' 'bout, Willis?
PPG: Didn't I ask you to collect the 10 Big Poes and bring them to me so I could release them upon the author's computer?
Link: ... oh YEAAAAAAAAH. Thaaaaaat. Got it covered, my good man...
PPG: Eeeexcellent. [rubs hands together]
Link: Gimme a sec to find it! [digs in his pockets]
Navi: ... [clears throat] What are you talking about? We didn't spend ANY time catching ghosts, Link.
Link: Um... [digs out a one of his bottles, which is filled with pocket lint] Er... no, that's my lint collection...
PPG: [waits patiently]
Link: [digs out another bottle, filled with flower petals with a stick on it that says "Hymie"] No... em... It's gotta be in here somewhere...
Navi: Link, don't lie to the nice... erm... man. [eyes PPG] You don't have any of his Big Poes.
PPG: [still waiting]
Link: [pulls out his third bottle, which has a bug in it] Ooh! Buggy! Hello buggy! Buggy buggy buuuuggy...
PPG: Where are my Big Poes?
Link: [takes off his boot and pulls out an overstuffed envelope, wriggling and moaning] Aha, here they are. [hands the envelope over]
PPG: ... [sniffs the envelope, shakes it] You fit all 10 of them in here?
Link: Yup.
Navi: [dumbstruck, whispers in his ear] Link... WHAT is in that envelope? You didn't catch any ghosts!
Link: Of course I did, Navi! They were easier to catch than all them Skulltula thingies.
Navi: ... YOU DIDN'T KILL ANY SKULLTULA THINGIES!
Link: [indignant] Of COURSE I did, Navi! How else do you explain them?
[He points towards the entrance to the castle, where the five Skulltula kids and their dad stand, perfectly normal, waving happily.]
Navi: [mouth drops open] BUT-
PPG: [giggles maniacally] Oh, THANK YOU my good lad... I'll definitely... [pause] USE these... eeheheheheheheheheheheh...
Link: [grins, places hands on hips] All in a day's work. Now... [glares at PPG] You said you'd make me a very happy man.
PPG: [loops his arm through Link's] Oh yes, about that... please, step into my office.
Link: [follows obediently] Whoakay!
Navi: AAUUUGGGHHH! LIIINK! [flies over and grabs him by the tunic, dragging him backwards] BAD! BAD BOY! NOO, HE'S GOING TO DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO YOU!
Link: [gasp] YOW! Let's go, Navi-
PPG: [horrible Seymour Guado pedophile voice] Want some candy, little boy?
Link: [spins around towards PPG] Yes please!
Navi: [whacks him] COME ON! DON'T FALL FOR THAT!
PPG: But I have your reward!
Link: [stands with his hands on his head, screaming] AAGGGH I'M CONFUSED!
PPG: [groans] FINE. Here, I've got something for you right here, little boy... it's nice and shiny and pretty... [sets to open his cloak, a dramatic orchestration rises up]
Link and Navi: [scream and cover their eyes] AAAGGGHHH, FLASHER!
[PPG pulls out a nice shiny bottle, and hands it to Link, who is still covering his eyes and screaming]
PPG: Here you are. Make... gooooood use of it. Eeheheheheheheheh.
Link: AAGGHHH- [opens eyes] Oh. Thanks. [dusts it off and examines it] A bottle? A measly little bottle for all that trouble?
Navi: All WHAT trouble?
PPG: Now then. I suppose I'd better get back to my... BUSINESS.
Link: You do that, Mr. Weird Guy. See ya later. [pockets the bottle, motions at Navi] Let's go, Nav. [whistles as he walks off]
PPG: REMEMBER! I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE A NEW... CUSTOMER!! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE- [vanishes]
Link: [whistling Zippe-dee-doo-da or however you spell it] NOW we can get to the Temple of Time!
Navi: Wasn't there something we were supposed to remember?
Link: ... er... what?
Redead: [sneaks up behind Link, moaning] AAGGGHHHHHHH!
[singing]
I... am... a Re-e-e-edead...
I... want... to bite your head...
And... suck your brain out too...
But it looks like something nasty... That attack... I... do...
Link: [pales] NAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH- [shoots off at lightning speed]
(Scene: The Temple of Time. Link and Navi enter the doorway, to very soft orchestral music. They look around mysteriously.)
Link: Navi wha-
Navi: SHH.
Link: Oh. [shushes]
[From behind them comes a familiar voice.]
Sheik: I've been waiting for you... Link, the Hero of Time.
Link: [whirls around] No you haven't. If you had, why did you appear behind us?
Sheik: ... [pauses] Oh shut up.
Link: I knew it'd be you, Sheik mah man. So what's-
Sheik: [interrupts him, singing]
I never thought you'd make it.
I never thought you could...
Awaken all the Sages...
Though something told me you would.
And now your mission's half-complete
The Sages are a whole...
But now the day of Destiny [Chorus Singers: DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIINYYYYYYY!]
Comes down to... one... bat...tle...
[Orchestrations pick up, and Sheik and Link burst into a musical number]
Sheik: [backed up by chorus]
Today is the breaking of silence!
Today a soft voice will be heard!
Today all the darkness will vanish!
Today evilness will be blurred!
Today is the day foretold so long ago
When the Hero of Time would descend...
Today is the past and the present, the future
As we stand at the journey's end...
Link: [breaks in, also backed up]
Today is the day that I prove myself!
Today is the day that I win!
Today is the day that I serve up my penance
And make up for my stupid sin!
Today with my sword and Sages at my back
I will rise up across sacred ground...
Today is the day that I fulfill my fate
And bring Ganondorf right on down...
Sheik and Link:
Today is the day that the truth is revealed
Today's when it all comes to pass...
Sheik:
Today is the day we're no longer concealed...
Link: [holds up a day planner with today circled in red]
Today's when I kick Ganon's ASS!
Sheik and Link:
Today is the day that the curtain shall fall
To reveal the finale at last!
Link:
Today's when the future is cleared up for all...
Sheik:
Today we make up for the past.
Link, Sheik, Chorus:
TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE CHALLENGE THE WORLD
AND TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE TRY TO UPHOLD!
TODAY IS THE DAY WHERE THE WARMTH OF THE LIGHT
WILL STAND UP AGAINST DARKNESS AND COLD!
TODAY IS THE DAY THAT THE BAD GUY WILL FAIL
AND WE CEASE EVIL GANONDORF'S CRIME!
TODAY IS WHEN EVERYTHING COMES TO A CLIMAX-
Sheik: [interrupts]
But before that part comes STORYTIME.
[The orchestrations back off a little bit, and become softer. Link sits down cross legged and leans back on his hands, Navi rests on his shoulder, and Sheik pulls out a large storybook.]
Sheik: [a new melody starts here]
You've heard of the Triforce and goddesses.
You've heard of the Sacred Realm thing.
But there is still a part of that ancient legend
That nobody's bothered to sing...
[clears throat]
[The left side of the stage darkens out, and a big holography Triforce appears, spinning around, as Sheik reads dramatically.]
Sheik: [doing hand motions and everything]
Should a mortal hand the Triforce touch
Before the power's in their clutch
The great weighing of souls will take place
If Power, Wisdom and Courage are balanced in that soul
Then the Sacred Realm changes its face.
But if one force outweighs both the others
Then the Triforce will not remain whole
It'll split into thirds and the other two parts
Will cease to remain with the soul.
The one who touched the Triforce gets the part that's most in place
And the other two go to the predestined pair who have the other traits...
[Sheik closes the book, and the Triforce vanishes from the other side of the room. A groovy, sort of jazz piece starts up]
Link:
Wait.
Are you saying-
Ganon DIIIDN'T get the whole?
Sheik:
Of course not.
His lust for power
Dominates his evil soul.
Navi:
SO THEN-
That means...
The other two parts remain at rest?
Link: [leaps to his feet, clutching his forehead]
OH MY GOD-
SAY THIS ISN'T-
THE START OF A WHOLE NEW FETCH QUEST?!
[Music rips out]
Sheik: Of course not.
Link: [sighs deeply] PHEW.
Sheik: [snaps his fingers to get the beat started again]
So you know
Ganondorf
Only has the power piece
Which was good-
Made him king.
But didn't satisfy him in the least.
He wants more
Which is why
He's got this whole vendetta against you
Link: [wails]
BOO-HOO!
WAIT A SEC-
Are you saying...
Sheik: [points at him]
The one with Courage is YOU.
[The music fizzles out again]
Link: ... HAMUNAWHATNOW?
Sheik: You heard right. The holder of the Triforce of Courage is you, Link.
Link: ... [blinks] ... I have a piece of the Triforce?!
Sheik: Look at the back of your left hand.
[Link looks at the back of his hand, where there is suddenly a triangular mark.]
Link: ... WOULDYALOOKATTHAT?! Check it out, NAVI!!! I'VE GOT A SACRED GOLDEN RELIC IN MY HAND! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
Navi: [raises hand] Hang on! QUESTION!
Sheik: Shoot.
Navi: You said that the Triforce pieces would go to the predestined ones who most have the traits of Wisdom and Courage, right?
Sheik: Yeah?
Navi: [twitch] Are you sure that Link has the Triforce of COURAGE?
Link: Yeah, why do- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Sheik: Well, he most certainly doesn't have the Triforce of Wisdom.
Link: Yeah Navi, I- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Navi: Are we sure it's not the Triforce of Wanktitude?
Link: Yeah, the Triforce of- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Sheik: I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's true. Link has the Triforce of Courage. Which is partially the reason why Ganondorf has been after him.
Link: He could tell that I had the Triforce of Courage?
Navi: [snorts] I sure couldn't.
Link: SHADDUUUUP!
Navi: But... erm... Sheik?
Sheik: Yes?
Navi: Who's got the Triforce of Wisdom, then?
Sheik: Simple... the legend foretells that the possessor of the Triforce of Wisdom is the seventh Sage...
Link: [mouth drops] SEVENTH SAGE?! JEEBUS, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE ANOTHER TEMPLE!
Sheik: Will you QUIT INTERRUPTING ME?
Link: ... sorry.
Sheik: [clears throat] The Seventh Sage, who is destined-
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEEED!
Sheik: NEXT PERSON INTERRUPTS ME GETS A NEEDLE IN THE THROAT!
[Silence falls over the temple.]
Sheik: [gets back into silent, calm ninja mode] The Seventh Sage, who is FATED to be the leader of them all...
Link: Who?
Navi: Yes, who?
Sheik: Haven't you guessed that plot point yet?
Link: ... who?
Navi: ... yes, who?
Sheik: [holds up his hand to reveal a gleaming triangular mark] Duh.
Link: WHOAAAAAA!
Navi: WHOOAAAAA!
Link: MAN, THAT CAME RIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD!
Navi: HOOOEEE, TALK ABOUT A SURPRISE!
Sheik: I hope that's sarcasm.
Link: Whaddya mean? I had NO IDEA THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!
Navi: I'm so proud of you, Sheiky-Weiky!
Sheik: ... Heh. [The mark starts glowing extremely brightly]
Link: Ow. [covers his eyes] Yo, Sheik, tone it down a bit. I forgot my Ray-Bans of Time back in the desert.
[The light covers up the whole stage.]
Link: OW. I SAID TONE IT DOWN!
[When the light fades, shocking music plays... and... (sniff) GUESS WHO IS STANDING (sniff) IN SHEIK'S PLACE!!! (sniffle, sniffle) She has long blonde hair and a fancy pinkish dress, and we all already knew this.]
Zelda: ... Hi, Link.
Link: [opens his eyes, stares blankly ahead]
Zelda: ... I said HI, Link.
Link: [blinks] Who's there? I got eye floaters and I can't see you.
Zelda: [crosses her arms impatiently] It is I, Princess Zelda.
Link: [double-takes] WHAAAAA?!
Navi: [mouth wide open, eyes popping out] ... WHAAAAAAAAT?!
Link: DUDE! ZELDA! YOU'RE A DUDE!
Zelda: [nods, giving a little curtsy] I'm sorry, Link... Ganondorf was searching for me because of my Triforce, and I wanted to help you. I was forced to meet you in disguise as a Sheikah boy.
Navi: [murmuring indistinctly in disillusionment] HMMDA! MMDAAA! AMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAA... DSAAAA!! POOJYAHAHH! MAMADADADADDAAAADDDDMAMMAAAA-
Zelda: ... [points at Navi] There's something wrong with your fairy.
Link: [nudges her] Nav... hey, you okay?
Navi: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME... [zips forward and grabs Zelda by the collar] YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SHEIK DOESN'T EVEN REALLY EXIST?!
Zelda: Er... [eyes Navi] no.
Navi: [screams in horror and drops] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: Well, except off in corner of my imagination.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... [thinking] And in a schizophrenic alter-ego of mine, at least, according to all them angst fanfic writers.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... And in a bunch of AU yaoi slasher fics with Link.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... And in Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Link: Can we please get on with it?
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!111 !111!!!11!!!!!!!1111111!
[Navi lies, a sobbing, panting mass on the floor, and Link and Zelda continue their conversation.]
Zelda: You really are a hero now, Link.
Link: [points accusingly] You got some serious 'splainin' to do, Zelly!
Zelda: About what?
Link: About LOCKING ME IN THE SACRED FREAKING REALM? And about letting Ganondorf take over the world?!
Zelda: Um... that was you.
Link: Under YOUR REQUEST!
Zelda: I made a mistake, okay? [puts her hands on her hips] I'm TRYING to apologize! I had no idea that Ganondorf was really that psycho... And I didn't know that you were the Hero of Time and that the Sacred Realm would lock you in like it did.
Link: Well... erm... IT DID.
Zelda: I know... and I apologize. Ganondorf attacked the castle that day... he murdered my father and his guards, and Impa and I barely escaped with our lives.
Link: But... why did he snap like that?
Zelda: [uplifting voice] That's a completely different story, Link... It's called "Never My Destiny" and it, and many other fine fanfics can be found under Galaxy Girl's profile!
[Brief break for elevator music and the flashing "SHAMELESS SELF-INSERTION" sign.]
Zelda: As we fled, I threw you the Ocarina because I thought it'd be safer with you...
Link: Zelly?
Zelda: That's PRINCESS Zelly to you. And what?
Link: You'll learn quickly, no breakable object is safe with me.
Zelda: Ah. [twitch] But now, the Six Sages have been awakened and at last, Ganondorf's evil rule can come to an end!
Link: Now this is talk I can live with. [claps his hands] SO! How d'we whack him, Zelda?
Zelda: I've got a great plan. [grins] We lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm and then the Sages use their power to seal him in there, taking him out of Hyrule forever! I call it, "Operation Lure Ganondorf Into The Sacred Realm Then The Sages Use Their Power To Seal Him In There, Taking Him Out Of Hyrule Forever"!
[Crickets chirp.]
Navi: [has removed herself from the floor] I see a tactical problem with your plan.
Zelda: [turns to Navi sweetly] Yes?
Navi: Lure him inside with WHAT?
Zelda: The other parts of the Triforce.
Link: ... HOW?
Zelda: [frowns] Simple. We set them inside the Sacred Realm and when he goes in to get him we lock him in.
Navi: But that's an awful idea! Then Ganondorf'll be locked in with all three parts of the Triforce. He'll just put them together and make a wish to get himself OUT.
Zelda: ... NO HE WON'T!
Link: And the Triforce parts are in our HANDS. Unless you know how to get them out.
Zelda: Er... well... we'll just go in there ourselves, Link! That way, he won't be able to get them.
Link: But then WE'LL get locked inside.
Zelda: ... er... Okay then, ixnay on the Triforce thing... we'll... WE'LL LURE HIM INSIDE WITH... WITH A SANDWICH!
Link: ... A sandwich?
Navi: What kind of sandwich?
Zelda: A BLT.
Link: Sorry, Zelda, but that's my favorite kind. I'll run in there to get it before he will.
Zelda: ... [glares at him]
Navi: And besides, wouldn't he just be able to get a sandwich out of his kitchen, rather than coming all the way in here to the Sacred Realm?
Zelda: ... Son of a... [murmuring] ... Okay... then... we... WE LURE HIM INSIDE WITH SOMETHING! Something I haven't thought of yet!
Link: But I think the whole luring idea is a bit iffy. I mean, come on... Ganondorf may be an idiot, but he's not STUPID.
Navi: Yeah, don't you think he'd figure out that maybe the Sages were trying to lock him up?
Zelda: [huffy] Well if YOU TWO are so smart, why don't YOU WAIT AROUND SEVEN YEARS AND THINK OF A PLAN!
Navi: ... that plan took you SEVEN YEARS?
Link and Navi: [giggle]
Zelda: [crosses her arms] Shut up!
Link and Navi: [still giggling]
Zelda: If you don't stop giggling, I won't give you my ultra-cool evil-busting weapon of minimal destruction.
Link: [silent]
Navi: [still giggling]
Link: [fwaps her]
Zelda: That's better.
Link: LEMME HAVE IT LEMME HAVE IT PLEASE OH PLEASE?!
Zelda: First I have to make a speech. [clears throat] Link, I need you to protect me while I do my part in the really horrible plan. In order to down the Evil King's defenses, you'll need this hippy-dippy magical Light Arrows. Take them as a thank-you for freeing the Sages... and for saving Hyrule.
Link: GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME-
Zelda: Down boy! [she holds up her hands, and the Light Arrows appear amidst dramatic music]
Link: [snatches them] WOOOOOOT! LIGHT ARROWS FOR THE HERO, Y'ALL!
Zelda: [scratches her nose] Glad you like them.
Link: [drools over them] SHINYYYYY...
Zelda: ... [leans over to Navi] I think those seven years in the Sacred Realm did more to his mental well-being than we thought.
Navi: [snorts] You think this is bad? You weren't around for Hy-
Link: [perks up] WHAT'D YOU SAY?
Navi: ... [whispers] I'll tell you later.
Zelda: Ah. [nods] So... uh... Link... [winks at him] You like anybody in particular?
Link: [paying attention] Oh yeah, baby. [winks back at her]
Zelda: [giggles] Ooooh... can I get a name?
Link: [grins suavely] Nabooru.
Zelda: Oooh, Nab- ERK. [gasps] LINK!! WHAT ABOUT ME?!
Link: What about you?
Zelda: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEEE!
Link: You? Sorry hon, but my heart belongs to Malon and Malon alone!
Zelda: YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND AGAIN!
Link: Zelda, baby, I could never change my mind away from you!
Zelda: ... Er...kay... Gee. What's that sudden, ominous rumbling?
Link: Hmm... it's very mysterious.
Navi: Terribly mysteriou-
[Suddenly, our gang is interrupted by dust and rubble falling from the Temple ceiling, and then a bright pink FLASH- and suddenly, Zelda is encased in a pink crystal]
Zelda: YEEEK!!! PINK CRYSTAL OF DOOM! [she bangs on it] LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!
Link: EH?!
Ganondorf: [voice booming] At last I've found you, Princess Zelda! Seven years later, I've finally tracked you down!
Zelda: GANONDORF! YOU SCUM! LET ME GO!
Navi: Grrrr... LET HER GO, YOU GERUDO JERK!
Link: [pokes the crystal] Oy Ganon... why'd you use a PINK crystal?
Ganondorf: ... Why does it matter, Hero of Time?
Link: [giggles] I think he likes PINK magic, Navi.
Ganondorf: [sputters] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
Link: [still giggling]
Navi: Link... I SWEAR...
Ganondorf: SHUT UP OR I'LL SMITE HER RIGHT NOW!
Link: [shuts up]
Ganondorf: Now. Where was I? Oh yes. AHEM. AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! You eluded my capture for seven years... But I knew if I let this little runt run around, you would eventually show yourself... That's why I didn't just materialize and whack him in the first place.
Link: Either that or he was SCAAAAAAAAAAAAARED.
Ganondorf: SILENCE!
Link: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, STUPID DISEMBODIED VOICE! NYA NYA NYA NYA NYAAAAA-
Ganondorf: SILENCE OR I'LL SMITE HER RIGHT NOW!
Zelda: Link, SHUT UP!
Link: Sorry, Ganon-DORK, I switched crushes again.
Navi: LINK!
Ganondorf: [dripping with sarcasm] Ooooh. Ganon-DORK. How tremendously clever. Did you think of that all yourself, Link?
Link: SHAADDUUUUUP!
Ganondorf: Heheheheheh... I must admit, though, punk... I underestimated you...
Link: [grins]
Ganondorf: No- I underestimated the power of the Triforce of Courage...
Link: [gasps] YOU SHMUCK! COME HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!
Ganondorf: [ignoring him] And now, another piece of the Triforce is MINE! Zelda, you will pay for your treason against me!
Zelda: OH GOD! WHATT'RE YOU GONNA DO TO ME?!
Ganondorf: Well, that depends who you ask. [sinister giggle] According to the game storyline, I just extract your Triforce and then do away with you. But according to the FANFIC writers, I'm a horny son of a monkey and-
Link: Damn, them some ugly kids.
Zelda and Ganondorf: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
Link: [grins, and shuts up]
[Zelda's crystal begins to rise up towards the ceiling, and she looks down]
Zelda: LINK! LINK, HELP ME!
Link: [squints] Zelda, I can see your panties!
Zelda: [not amused] HELP ME YOU STUPID SON OF A-
Ganondorf: [coughs] Well ANYWAY. I'm going to kidnap Zelda, and if you want her back, Link, Hero of Time, GET YOUR ASS OVER TO MY CASTLE AND CHALLENGE ME, MAN-TO-MAN!
Link: [waves his hands] Oooooh, kidnapping PRINCESS ZELDA. What a TERRIBLY ORIGINAL PLOT! It's almost like you haven't done so in almost EVERY GAME IN THE SERIES THUS FAR!
Ganondorf: If you don't SHUT UP DOWN THERE-
Link: [grins again]
Navi: You know, you're really pushing it for someone who's gonna have to kick his ass in a little bit.
Link: ... [eyes pop out] CRAP.
[Zelda vanishes in a burst of light]
Zelda: IF YOU DON'T SAVE ME I'LL RIP ALL YOUR HAIR OUUUUUUUUUT- [ping!]
Link: Grrrr... [dramatic music starts up in the background] My beautiful hair will not be torn to shreds because of YOU, Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: Won't it? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA-
Link: [interrupts] Don't get cocky! THIS GAME ISN'T OVER YET, GANONDORF! THE GAME IS STILL ON!
Ganondorf: ... Was that supposed to be a song cue?
Link: DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? [bursts into song, to "The Show Must Go On" again. And technically, this is not NEW Queen, so I didn't lie in my note before. ^_~]
You think you've won now?
You think I'm on the floor?
You would be wrong, then!
You haven't checked the score!
ON... AND ON...
Not gonna let you be the Evil King no more!
Ganondorf: [growls, and sings his own part]
Another hero...
Who thinks that he can win
It's so pathetic!
I'm gonna laugh again!
ON... AND ON...
You look more idiotic than you did before!
Chorus, Link and Ganondorf:
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
Link:
I've still got six more Sages!
Ganondorf:
We just hit 21 pages
Both:
BUT THE CHAPTER... STILL GOES ON!
[Because the author is lazy, they cut to the bridge]
Link: [drops to his knees and points at the ceiling angrily]
My fate was set before me, now it must be realized!
Ganondorf: [laughs haughtily]
A fairy tale like yours could end right as the hero dies...
Both:
I'VE GOT TO TRYYYYYYYYY-YYIIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIIIII UNTIL THE END-
Chorus and Both:
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
Ganondorf:
You're never gonna win!
Link:
I'm never givin' in!
[A dramatic instrumental ends with the stage darkening and a spotlight falling on Link]
Link:
I'LL PROVE MY WILL!
Ganondorf:
YOUR ASS I'LL KILL!
Both:
I'VE GOT TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON... WITH THE...
Chorus Singers:
ON... WITH THE...
All:
OOOOOOOOOON... WIIIIIIIITH... THEEEEEEEE...
[Music pauses, they all take a very deep breath]
... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!
[The spotlight vanishes and Link is left in dim light, kneeling on the temple floor]
Link: Navi, you still there?
Navi: Always, buddy!
Link: ZELDA, I'M COMING! TODAY'S THE DAY, EVERYONE! TODAY IS THE DAY THAT I BECOME SOMEBODY! I AM LINK SOMEBODY! AND TODAY I FOLLOW MY DESTINY!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYY!
Link: LET'S GO NAVI!
[We see Link, who is still in very dim light, stand up and run towards the door. He smacks face-first into the frame (having missed the opening and falls over)]
Link: OOF!
Navi: ... OW.
PPG: [out of nowhere] Now you know how it... FEELS.
Link: AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
[The lights go out.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 2-
Navi: WAIIIIIIIIIIT! NOT YET IT'S NOT!
[Oh dear God. Navi gets her own Omake today. She's dressed in a big sparkly headband next to a microphone.]
Navi: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYRUUUUUUULE!
Audience: ... o_o
Navi: I GOT A STORY T' TELL YA, EVERYONE! A STORY ABOUT A LOVE THAT I LOST... A TRAGIC STORY... A SAD STORY... BUT A GOOD STORY... EVERYBODY LISTEN UP NOW! This is a medley... dedicated to... HIM.
[Off in the corner, a guy in a tuxedo plays a piano very softly. In fact, it sounds just like "My Immortal" by Evanescence. It's all over the radio, of course, and plus, it's mainstream music, so hey, PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THIS ONE!]
Navi: [singing very sweetly]
The one I love's no longer here...
Left without a word, without a single tear...
I know he had to leave... I wish he didn't leave...
Because his presence lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...
This feeling in my nose...
The blood in endless flows...
These fangirl urges that I cannot face-
[Link appears on the side of the stage, playing a violin very dramatically as Navi continues]
Navi: [sniffling]
I saw you only a couple of nights!
You made me so hot when you wore those tights!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then you left...
Oh... Sheik...
[Link and the guy on the piano continue to play as Navi sniffles]
Navi:
My love was eternal you see, but it could not be realized...
Considering I'm 1/50th your size...
Your face was veiled... Mine's drowned out by my glow
Your voice was soft and tragic... Mine is obnoxious and sweet
This feeling in my nose...
The blood in endless flows...
These fangirl urges that I cannot face-
You taught him songs then vanished with a glance!
Oh what I'd give to get into your pants!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then you left...
Oh... Sheik...
[The music picks up very dramatically, and Navi croons it out]
Navi:
I... tried... so hard to tell myself it wasn't true!
But then something happened that I couldn't dispute!
[Link and the piano man sway back and forth, getting very into it]
Navi:
You were a ninja with hot blood-red eyes!
But then you gave me a nasty surprise!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then... [wails]
Oh, SHEIK... Oh... SHEIIIIIIIIIIK...
[The music begins to fade out in dramatic wailing, and Navi suddenly sits up and snaps her fingers]
Navi: HIT IT.
[The dramatic music fizzles out into bagpipes as "Centerfold" makes a reappearance. HOLY CRAP. AGAIN! Navi shakes her booty, and a line of dancing Sheikah ladies appear in the background]
Navi: COME ON!
Sheikah Ladies:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi:
He was tall! He was dark!
Talk about complete!
That sexy Sheikah studmuffin had pulled off quite a feat!
He met us near the temples
And he taught us different songs!
I bled a lot as I imagined him
In a little purple thong...
Sheikah Ladies:
WOOOOOOOO!
Navi:
Chapter 25 the rug was pulled from under me...
Turns out my man was stricken with a false identity!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
My angel was a chick in drag!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
WHERE ARE YOU, BABY?!
All:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
Navi: [bobs back and forth]
Dressed in navy blue spandex
With eyes that caught me like a hex
I was shy, I turned away...
I felt like I could die
Sheikah Ladies:
OH NO!
Navi:
I was shaking in my wings
He revealed his lack of certain things
And when I learned the awful news
I dropped from flight and cried!
That mysterious air about him made me bleed right out the nose...
Now they tell me my man was just a chick in ninja clothes!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
My angel was a chick in drag!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
I STILL REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi:
It's okay, I understand...
She just wanted to save the land...
Maybe if Ganondorf was gone
My date with Sheik would be back on
We'll rent a car, oh, yes we will!
My Sheikling's gonna drive it...
We'll take it to the forest
And there we'll do something private!
Sheikah Ladies:
GASP!
Navi:
A part of me has just been ripped
My wings are tired, my mind has slipped
I keep trying to deny it...
BUT IT'S NO USE, I HAVE TO BUY IT!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
MY ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
All:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [breaks down onstage] 1-2-3-4!
All:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
[The Sheikah ladies wander off, leaving Navi onstage in a sobbing heap.]
Navi: IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY?! WHYYYYYYY, NINTENDO, WHYYYYYYYYYY?!
[Link tiptoes over to Navi and taps her on the shoulder]
Link: Nav... you gonna be okay?
Navi: [sobbing] That's tentative.
Link: ... Well, look on the bright side, Nav. You still have me.
Navi: [looks up, blinks, then cries harder]
Link: ... WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 25*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mishmashed by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER/SCENE 25: Scandalously Shocking Secrets about Sheik! -or- De Day O' Destiny Approaches -or- Damn, Zelda, Where You Been?
In this scene...
Link, our lovable Hero of Time!
Navi, his lovable fairy!
Sheik, Shekshay Sheikah of the Year
Zelda, Princess M.I.A.!
The Voice of Ganondorf, Creepy Evil King Man Dude!
The Six Sages!
King of Double Entendre, Perverted Poe Guy!
Watch your ass, it's a few random Redeads!
~~~~~~~SPECIAL AUTOGRAPH FOR HIME~~~~~~~~~~~
Hiiiii, Himemiya!!! I love you! (in a non prison-movie sort of way!) You'll always be my Rose Bride, and there's no one I'd rather cripple horribly by yanking a sword out of their chest.
^___________^ LOVE, PEACE, AND VASH THE STAMPEDE!
~GG-sama!!!!
2-10-04 (THIS IS A STICKER OF AUTHENTICITY RIGHT.... HERE!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Today in the Author's Note, it's time for GG's patented "RANT ABOUT FAN SLASHERS". This is merely my own opinion, you are not required to read it or look into it at all. I am not a homophobe, nor do I discriminate against people of any specific sexual orientation or people who like to write about people of any specific sexual orientation. If this rant insults you in any way, the author suggests that you immediately throw both hands in the air and scream at the top of your lungs, "OH MY GOD, THE LLAMAS ARE COMING!", then proceed to run screaming to the nearest supermarket. Head to the aluminum foil aisle and make yourself a full body foil suit, then march to the deli and tie yourself to the meat slicer and threaten all who come to arrest you off with a stale loaf of French bread and a homemade catapult launching potato salad at the approaching cops. When they arrest you, behave absolutely normally and deny any implications of assault with a deadly baked good or unlicensed use of aluminum foil as undergarments.
This won't make you any less insulted, but I think it'd be pretty funny to read about in the newspaper.
I have nothing against fan slashers. It's insane fan slashers that make me want to cry. The ones that figure, "Hey, there's a canon couple, but wouldn't it be more fun if they were gay?!" The ones who pair up COMPLETELY RANDOM INDIVIDUALS AND HURT MY WEE LITTLE BRAIN! AAGGH!!! JUST BECAUSE HAMEL AND RAIEL/SIRIUS AND REMUS/LINK AND MIDO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS/ENEMIES/IMPARTIAL TO EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE SUDDENLY GAY AND HAVING WILD MONKEY SEX ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
And no living person should ever be subjected to a Harry/Dumbledore fanfiction. I mean... GOD, THAT'S WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL EVER.
... thank you. Without further adieu, the chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
(Scene: Right in front of Hyrule Castle, staring at the broken drawbridge and lovely gothic architecture off in the distance is our friend, Link, clutching his sword and staring determinedly. Navi flutters over his shoulder.)
Navi: Well...this is it, Link ol' buddy ol' pal. Just a hundred yards away is the Temple of Time, the person we're supposed to meet, and your destiny...
Link: ... [silent]
Navi: [getting dramatic] This is the moment we've prepared for... the Six Sages are awake, and you are finally the real Hero of Time! But... now... I wonder...
Link: ... [still silent, scratching his butt]
Navi: I wonder... now that we've given you all the help we can... Can you do it, Link?
Link: ... [still silent, sniffles and wipes his nose]
Navi: ... Link...?
Link: ... [still silent, picking his nose]
Navi: ... are you listening to a word I'm saying?
[But suddenly, Link removes his hand from his nose and spins around, bursting into song as soft piano chords enter in the background.]
Link: [to the tune of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen (You know, actually, this is the last Queen song until the finale!)]
Toniiiiiight...
I'm gonna prove myself... Hero of Time...
I feel aliiiiiiiii-hiiii-hiii-hiiiiiiiiiive!
And the wooooooooorld'll turn right inside ouuuuuut, yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy... so-
Chorus Singers: [high voices]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOOW...
DON'T! STOP! HIM!
Link: [points at himself, grinning]
Cause I'm the Hero of Time, the Hero of Time!
[The stage ignites into a huge musical number, complete with women in fruity feathery costumes, wire dancers, confetti, flashing lights, and the Sages in the background doing an organized dance number.]
Link: [shuffles around as beautiful dancing women in sparkly outfits appear around him]
I've spent so many days out on the road, like a drifter
With my little fairy named Naviiiiiii
So many temples passing us by, cleared them like a sifter
And now I go, go, go, there's no stopping MEEEEEEE-
My path's in front of me!
Six Sages I saved, that's why they call me Mr. Destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYYYY!
Link:
That Ganondorf'll finally seeeeee!
I'm gonna make a-
Link, Chorus Singers:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
Chorus Singers: [dancing, gospel choir style]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
I'm a studly Hero of Time...
I'm having a ball!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link: [does a fancy dance]
If you wanna have the day saved...
Just gimme a call!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Cause I'm the Hero of Time!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Yes, I'm the Hero of Time!
I don't wanna stop at aaaaaaall, yeah!
Navi: [interrupts] LINK, BUT DID YOU HEAR WHAT I ASKED-
Link: [completely ignores her, continues his lively song]
I'm a 10-year-old lookin' so adult!
It's not my fault you know. I'm so innocent. And out of control-
I'm a sex machine ready to reload!
Females on Stage: [faint] UNNNHHH!
Males on Stage: [trip over the unconscious females, and bring the entire dance line crashing down in a big heap]
Link:
Like a studly bomb ready to
Link and Chorus:
WHOA... WHOA... WHOA... WHOA... WHOA EXPLOOOOOOODE!
Link:
My path's in front of meeeeeee!
Six Sages I saved, that's why they call me Mr. Destiny!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYYYY!
Link:
That Ganondorf'll finally seeeeee!
I'm gonna make a-
Link, Chorus Singers:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
[Link struts about, stepping over the fallen dancers and snapping his fingers. Meanwhile, Navi eats popcorn.]
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM...
Link: HEY HEY HEY!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... WOOO OOOH OOH!
Link: I LIKE IT!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM...
Link: Hero of Time, of Time-
Chorus Singers:
DON'T STOP HIM... DON'T STOP HIM... WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[Link slides out on his knees and jams out some air guitar, as the female dancers are helped to their feet by the males, and handkerchiefs are passed out. Navi sits idly by, counting lights. Suddenly, Link is lifting into the air on a wire, so he's flying around and doing fancy pants tricks as part of the routine. He spins around and continues singing]
Link: [pretending to run in midair]
OOOOOOOHHHH... MY PATH'S IN FRONT OF ME!
SIX SAGES I SAVED, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MR. DESTINY!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYY!
Link:
THAT GANONDORF'LL FINALLY SEE, I'M GONNA MAKE A-
Link and Chorus:
FALLEN OVERLORD OUTTA HIM!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOOW!
Link: [shimmying]
I'm a studly Hero of Time...
I'm having a ball!
Chorus Singers:
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link: [shakes his butt]
If you wanna have the day saved...
Just gimme a call!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Cause I'm the Hero of Time!
Chorus Singers: [rock back and forth]
DON'T! STOP! HIM! NOOOOOW!
Link:
Yes, I'm the Hero of Time!
Link and Chorus:
I don't wanna stop at AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL...
Link:
La la la la la laaaaa... la la la laaaaaaaaa... laaaaa laaaahahahaaaa... lalalaaaaa...
[The dancers and bright lights slowly fade away, and Link points triumphantly towards the castle]
Link: LET'S GO TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME, NAVI!
Navi: You're still on your wire, Link.
[Sure enough, Link is still hovering a few feet in the air, suspended on a wire harness.]
Link: Eh? Oh... Wire team, let me down now please!
Link's Wire Team: [currently on coffee break]
Link: ... [suspended in the air, blinks and groans] DRAT!
Navi: Can't you just jump?
Link: The harness is done up over underwear and under my tunic...
Navi: So you're stuck?
Link: ... [sighs] Looks like it.
Navi: ... well... um... I could cut you down.
Link: [whining loudly] That would hurt!
Navi: Fine! Then we just get to wait until your wire team gets back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK'S WIRE TEAM RETURNED ONLY TO BE FIRED THUS ASSURING THAT HE WILL NOT BE AIRBORNE FOR THE REST OF THE PRODUCTION AND THEN LINK AND NAVI HEADED INTO THE CASTLE TOWN...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Scene: The dreary, crashed-out, decaying zombified castle town, occupied by our favorite sexual predatory undead. Link flattens himself against a building and peers suspiciously across the way.)
Navi: How's it look, Link?
Link: Buildings smashed, grotesque zombified souls of the damned walking about, everything looks normal.
Navi: Good... now... if we just make it across the courtyard without being brutally attacked from behind by-
[Suddenly, Link is brutally attacked from behind by... ]
Link: [grabbed around the neck, screams like a woman] AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S GOT ME NAVI AAAAAAHHHH LET GO OF ME STAY AWAY FROM MY BUTT YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP-
Navi: LIIIINK- HIYYYYAAAAAAAAA!
[With more force than seems possible, Navi flings herself wildly at the attacking figure and karate kicks him/her/it in the nose. The figure screams and falls over backwards, landing on the ground in a heap]
Link: [breathing heavily] Thanks Nav... pant... pant... pant...
Navi: [claps hands] No problem. NOW WHO ARE YOU YOU-
[They turn around and see a pale, clammy, one-eyed, freaky little man in a tattered robe, rolling around and clutching his eye in pain. Why, it's Perverted Poe Guy!]
Perverted Poe Guy: OWWWWW!!! MY EYEEEEE!!
Link: ... Oh. It's just you... that... creepy... Poe... thing.
Navi: And whaddya mean, your eye? I clearly hit you in the nose! It said so in the stage directions!
PPG: I DON'T HAVE A NOSE YOU LITTLE TOAD!! OW! OWIE!! Oh... CRUD, I have double-vision! I haven't had double-vision since I mutated! WAAHHH...
Link: [whispering] What do you want? We're busy trying to meet someone at the Temple of Time... and it's already taken more time than it should have, considering that we could have just WARPED there.
PPG: [wobbles up to his feet, waving a hand in front of his face] CRUD... I've lost my depth perception! I'LL SUE YOUR ASS FOR THIS, FAIRY!
Navi: Um... you only have one eye. You didn't have any depth perception to begin with.
PPG: ... [scratches his head] Oh yeah. Well... how can I... [pause, in a seductive voice] HELP you, my boy?
Link: ... [shudders] Um... you bothered US?
PPG: ... Oh... so I did... [hobbles forward on his cane] Hmm. So... you say you were... BOTHERED?
Link: You are one sick little cycloptic mutant.
PPG: Why thank you. I try.
Link: Look, freako... What did you want? We have to hurry up and get across the square.
PPG: Ah, yes. I was wondering... if you remembered the... DEAAAAAL we made.
Link: ... what deal?
PPG: The DEAAAAAL.
Link: [glares at Navi] WERE YOU SIGNING STUFF WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AGAIN?
Navi: [indignantly] NOOOO!
Link: [turns back to the PPG] Whachou talkin' 'bout, Willis?
PPG: Didn't I ask you to collect the 10 Big Poes and bring them to me so I could release them upon the author's computer?
Link: ... oh YEAAAAAAAAH. Thaaaaaat. Got it covered, my good man...
PPG: Eeeexcellent. [rubs hands together]
Link: Gimme a sec to find it! [digs in his pockets]
Navi: ... [clears throat] What are you talking about? We didn't spend ANY time catching ghosts, Link.
Link: Um... [digs out a one of his bottles, which is filled with pocket lint] Er... no, that's my lint collection...
PPG: [waits patiently]
Link: [digs out another bottle, filled with flower petals with a stick on it that says "Hymie"] No... em... It's gotta be in here somewhere...
Navi: Link, don't lie to the nice... erm... man. [eyes PPG] You don't have any of his Big Poes.
PPG: [still waiting]
Link: [pulls out his third bottle, which has a bug in it] Ooh! Buggy! Hello buggy! Buggy buggy buuuuggy...
PPG: Where are my Big Poes?
Link: [takes off his boot and pulls out an overstuffed envelope, wriggling and moaning] Aha, here they are. [hands the envelope over]
PPG: ... [sniffs the envelope, shakes it] You fit all 10 of them in here?
Link: Yup.
Navi: [dumbstruck, whispers in his ear] Link... WHAT is in that envelope? You didn't catch any ghosts!
Link: Of course I did, Navi! They were easier to catch than all them Skulltula thingies.
Navi: ... YOU DIDN'T KILL ANY SKULLTULA THINGIES!
Link: [indignant] Of COURSE I did, Navi! How else do you explain them?
[He points towards the entrance to the castle, where the five Skulltula kids and their dad stand, perfectly normal, waving happily.]
Navi: [mouth drops open] BUT-
PPG: [giggles maniacally] Oh, THANK YOU my good lad... I'll definitely... [pause] USE these... eeheheheheheheheheheheh...
Link: [grins, places hands on hips] All in a day's work. Now... [glares at PPG] You said you'd make me a very happy man.
PPG: [loops his arm through Link's] Oh yes, about that... please, step into my office.
Link: [follows obediently] Whoakay!
Navi: AAUUUGGGHHH! LIIINK! [flies over and grabs him by the tunic, dragging him backwards] BAD! BAD BOY! NOO, HE'S GOING TO DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO YOU!
Link: [gasp] YOW! Let's go, Navi-
PPG: [horrible Seymour Guado pedophile voice] Want some candy, little boy?
Link: [spins around towards PPG] Yes please!
Navi: [whacks him] COME ON! DON'T FALL FOR THAT!
PPG: But I have your reward!
Link: [stands with his hands on his head, screaming] AAGGGH I'M CONFUSED!
PPG: [groans] FINE. Here, I've got something for you right here, little boy... it's nice and shiny and pretty... [sets to open his cloak, a dramatic orchestration rises up]
Link and Navi: [scream and cover their eyes] AAAGGGHHH, FLASHER!
[PPG pulls out a nice shiny bottle, and hands it to Link, who is still covering his eyes and screaming]
PPG: Here you are. Make... gooooood use of it. Eeheheheheheheheh.
Link: AAGGHHH- [opens eyes] Oh. Thanks. [dusts it off and examines it] A bottle? A measly little bottle for all that trouble?
Navi: All WHAT trouble?
PPG: Now then. I suppose I'd better get back to my... BUSINESS.
Link: You do that, Mr. Weird Guy. See ya later. [pockets the bottle, motions at Navi] Let's go, Nav. [whistles as he walks off]
PPG: REMEMBER! I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE A NEW... CUSTOMER!! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE- [vanishes]
Link: [whistling Zippe-dee-doo-da or however you spell it] NOW we can get to the Temple of Time!
Navi: Wasn't there something we were supposed to remember?
Link: ... er... what?
Redead: [sneaks up behind Link, moaning] AAGGGHHHHHHH!
[singing]
I... am... a Re-e-e-edead...
I... want... to bite your head...
And... suck your brain out too...
But it looks like something nasty... That attack... I... do...
Link: [pales] NAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH- [shoots off at lightning speed]
(Scene: The Temple of Time. Link and Navi enter the doorway, to very soft orchestral music. They look around mysteriously.)
Link: Navi wha-
Navi: SHH.
Link: Oh. [shushes]
[From behind them comes a familiar voice.]
Sheik: I've been waiting for you... Link, the Hero of Time.
Link: [whirls around] No you haven't. If you had, why did you appear behind us?
Sheik: ... [pauses] Oh shut up.
Link: I knew it'd be you, Sheik mah man. So what's-
Sheik: [interrupts him, singing]
I never thought you'd make it.
I never thought you could...
Awaken all the Sages...
Though something told me you would.
And now your mission's half-complete
The Sages are a whole...
But now the day of Destiny [Chorus Singers: DEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIINYYYYYYY!]
Comes down to... one... bat...tle...
[Orchestrations pick up, and Sheik and Link burst into a musical number]
Sheik: [backed up by chorus]
Today is the breaking of silence!
Today a soft voice will be heard!
Today all the darkness will vanish!
Today evilness will be blurred!
Today is the day foretold so long ago
When the Hero of Time would descend...
Today is the past and the present, the future
As we stand at the journey's end...
Link: [breaks in, also backed up]
Today is the day that I prove myself!
Today is the day that I win!
Today is the day that I serve up my penance
And make up for my stupid sin!
Today with my sword and Sages at my back
I will rise up across sacred ground...
Today is the day that I fulfill my fate
And bring Ganondorf right on down...
Sheik and Link:
Today is the day that the truth is revealed
Today's when it all comes to pass...
Sheik:
Today is the day we're no longer concealed...
Link: [holds up a day planner with today circled in red]
Today's when I kick Ganon's ASS!
Sheik and Link:
Today is the day that the curtain shall fall
To reveal the finale at last!
Link:
Today's when the future is cleared up for all...
Sheik:
Today we make up for the past.
Link, Sheik, Chorus:
TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE CHALLENGE THE WORLD
AND TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE TRY TO UPHOLD!
TODAY IS THE DAY WHERE THE WARMTH OF THE LIGHT
WILL STAND UP AGAINST DARKNESS AND COLD!
TODAY IS THE DAY THAT THE BAD GUY WILL FAIL
AND WE CEASE EVIL GANONDORF'S CRIME!
TODAY IS WHEN EVERYTHING COMES TO A CLIMAX-
Sheik: [interrupts]
But before that part comes STORYTIME.
[The orchestrations back off a little bit, and become softer. Link sits down cross legged and leans back on his hands, Navi rests on his shoulder, and Sheik pulls out a large storybook.]
Sheik: [a new melody starts here]
You've heard of the Triforce and goddesses.
You've heard of the Sacred Realm thing.
But there is still a part of that ancient legend
That nobody's bothered to sing...
[clears throat]
[The left side of the stage darkens out, and a big holography Triforce appears, spinning around, as Sheik reads dramatically.]
Sheik: [doing hand motions and everything]
Should a mortal hand the Triforce touch
Before the power's in their clutch
The great weighing of souls will take place
If Power, Wisdom and Courage are balanced in that soul
Then the Sacred Realm changes its face.
But if one force outweighs both the others
Then the Triforce will not remain whole
It'll split into thirds and the other two parts
Will cease to remain with the soul.
The one who touched the Triforce gets the part that's most in place
And the other two go to the predestined pair who have the other traits...
[Sheik closes the book, and the Triforce vanishes from the other side of the room. A groovy, sort of jazz piece starts up]
Link:
Wait.
Are you saying-
Ganon DIIIDN'T get the whole?
Sheik:
Of course not.
His lust for power
Dominates his evil soul.
Navi:
SO THEN-
That means...
The other two parts remain at rest?
Link: [leaps to his feet, clutching his forehead]
OH MY GOD-
SAY THIS ISN'T-
THE START OF A WHOLE NEW FETCH QUEST?!
[Music rips out]
Sheik: Of course not.
Link: [sighs deeply] PHEW.
Sheik: [snaps his fingers to get the beat started again]
So you know
Ganondorf
Only has the power piece
Which was good-
Made him king.
But didn't satisfy him in the least.
He wants more
Which is why
He's got this whole vendetta against you
Link: [wails]
BOO-HOO!
WAIT A SEC-
Are you saying...
Sheik: [points at him]
The one with Courage is YOU.
[The music fizzles out again]
Link: ... HAMUNAWHATNOW?
Sheik: You heard right. The holder of the Triforce of Courage is you, Link.
Link: ... [blinks] ... I have a piece of the Triforce?!
Sheik: Look at the back of your left hand.
[Link looks at the back of his hand, where there is suddenly a triangular mark.]
Link: ... WOULDYALOOKATTHAT?! Check it out, NAVI!!! I'VE GOT A SACRED GOLDEN RELIC IN MY HAND! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
Navi: [raises hand] Hang on! QUESTION!
Sheik: Shoot.
Navi: You said that the Triforce pieces would go to the predestined ones who most have the traits of Wisdom and Courage, right?
Sheik: Yeah?
Navi: [twitch] Are you sure that Link has the Triforce of COURAGE?
Link: Yeah, why do- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Sheik: Well, he most certainly doesn't have the Triforce of Wisdom.
Link: Yeah Navi, I- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Navi: Are we sure it's not the Triforce of Wanktitude?
Link: Yeah, the Triforce of- [pause] ... HEEEEEEYYYYY!
Sheik: I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's true. Link has the Triforce of Courage. Which is partially the reason why Ganondorf has been after him.
Link: He could tell that I had the Triforce of Courage?
Navi: [snorts] I sure couldn't.
Link: SHADDUUUUP!
Navi: But... erm... Sheik?
Sheik: Yes?
Navi: Who's got the Triforce of Wisdom, then?
Sheik: Simple... the legend foretells that the possessor of the Triforce of Wisdom is the seventh Sage...
Link: [mouth drops] SEVENTH SAGE?! JEEBUS, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE ANOTHER TEMPLE!
Sheik: Will you QUIT INTERRUPTING ME?
Link: ... sorry.
Sheik: [clears throat] The Seventh Sage, who is destined-
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEEED!
Sheik: NEXT PERSON INTERRUPTS ME GETS A NEEDLE IN THE THROAT!
[Silence falls over the temple.]
Sheik: [gets back into silent, calm ninja mode] The Seventh Sage, who is FATED to be the leader of them all...
Link: Who?
Navi: Yes, who?
Sheik: Haven't you guessed that plot point yet?
Link: ... who?
Navi: ... yes, who?
Sheik: [holds up his hand to reveal a gleaming triangular mark] Duh.
Link: WHOAAAAAA!
Navi: WHOOAAAAA!
Link: MAN, THAT CAME RIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD!
Navi: HOOOEEE, TALK ABOUT A SURPRISE!
Sheik: I hope that's sarcasm.
Link: Whaddya mean? I had NO IDEA THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!
Navi: I'm so proud of you, Sheiky-Weiky!
Sheik: ... Heh. [The mark starts glowing extremely brightly]
Link: Ow. [covers his eyes] Yo, Sheik, tone it down a bit. I forgot my Ray-Bans of Time back in the desert.
[The light covers up the whole stage.]
Link: OW. I SAID TONE IT DOWN!
[When the light fades, shocking music plays... and... (sniff) GUESS WHO IS STANDING (sniff) IN SHEIK'S PLACE!!! (sniffle, sniffle) She has long blonde hair and a fancy pinkish dress, and we all already knew this.]
Zelda: ... Hi, Link.
Link: [opens his eyes, stares blankly ahead]
Zelda: ... I said HI, Link.
Link: [blinks] Who's there? I got eye floaters and I can't see you.
Zelda: [crosses her arms impatiently] It is I, Princess Zelda.
Link: [double-takes] WHAAAAA?!
Navi: [mouth wide open, eyes popping out] ... WHAAAAAAAAT?!
Link: DUDE! ZELDA! YOU'RE A DUDE!
Zelda: [nods, giving a little curtsy] I'm sorry, Link... Ganondorf was searching for me because of my Triforce, and I wanted to help you. I was forced to meet you in disguise as a Sheikah boy.
Navi: [murmuring indistinctly in disillusionment] HMMDA! MMDAAA! AMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAA... DSAAAA!! POOJYAHAHH! MAMADADADADDAAAADDDDMAMMAAAA-
Zelda: ... [points at Navi] There's something wrong with your fairy.
Link: [nudges her] Nav... hey, you okay?
Navi: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME... [zips forward and grabs Zelda by the collar] YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SHEIK DOESN'T EVEN REALLY EXIST?!
Zelda: Er... [eyes Navi] no.
Navi: [screams in horror and drops] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: Well, except off in corner of my imagination.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... [thinking] And in a schizophrenic alter-ego of mine, at least, according to all them angst fanfic writers.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... And in a bunch of AU yaoi slasher fics with Link.
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Zelda: ... And in Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Link: Can we please get on with it?
Navi: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!111 !111!!!11!!!!!!!1111111!
[Navi lies, a sobbing, panting mass on the floor, and Link and Zelda continue their conversation.]
Zelda: You really are a hero now, Link.
Link: [points accusingly] You got some serious 'splainin' to do, Zelly!
Zelda: About what?
Link: About LOCKING ME IN THE SACRED FREAKING REALM? And about letting Ganondorf take over the world?!
Zelda: Um... that was you.
Link: Under YOUR REQUEST!
Zelda: I made a mistake, okay? [puts her hands on her hips] I'm TRYING to apologize! I had no idea that Ganondorf was really that psycho... And I didn't know that you were the Hero of Time and that the Sacred Realm would lock you in like it did.
Link: Well... erm... IT DID.
Zelda: I know... and I apologize. Ganondorf attacked the castle that day... he murdered my father and his guards, and Impa and I barely escaped with our lives.
Link: But... why did he snap like that?
Zelda: [uplifting voice] That's a completely different story, Link... It's called "Never My Destiny" and it, and many other fine fanfics can be found under Galaxy Girl's profile!
[Brief break for elevator music and the flashing "SHAMELESS SELF-INSERTION" sign.]
Zelda: As we fled, I threw you the Ocarina because I thought it'd be safer with you...
Link: Zelly?
Zelda: That's PRINCESS Zelly to you. And what?
Link: You'll learn quickly, no breakable object is safe with me.
Zelda: Ah. [twitch] But now, the Six Sages have been awakened and at last, Ganondorf's evil rule can come to an end!
Link: Now this is talk I can live with. [claps his hands] SO! How d'we whack him, Zelda?
Zelda: I've got a great plan. [grins] We lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm and then the Sages use their power to seal him in there, taking him out of Hyrule forever! I call it, "Operation Lure Ganondorf Into The Sacred Realm Then The Sages Use Their Power To Seal Him In There, Taking Him Out Of Hyrule Forever"!
[Crickets chirp.]
Navi: [has removed herself from the floor] I see a tactical problem with your plan.
Zelda: [turns to Navi sweetly] Yes?
Navi: Lure him inside with WHAT?
Zelda: The other parts of the Triforce.
Link: ... HOW?
Zelda: [frowns] Simple. We set them inside the Sacred Realm and when he goes in to get him we lock him in.
Navi: But that's an awful idea! Then Ganondorf'll be locked in with all three parts of the Triforce. He'll just put them together and make a wish to get himself OUT.
Zelda: ... NO HE WON'T!
Link: And the Triforce parts are in our HANDS. Unless you know how to get them out.
Zelda: Er... well... we'll just go in there ourselves, Link! That way, he won't be able to get them.
Link: But then WE'LL get locked inside.
Zelda: ... er... Okay then, ixnay on the Triforce thing... we'll... WE'LL LURE HIM INSIDE WITH... WITH A SANDWICH!
Link: ... A sandwich?
Navi: What kind of sandwich?
Zelda: A BLT.
Link: Sorry, Zelda, but that's my favorite kind. I'll run in there to get it before he will.
Zelda: ... [glares at him]
Navi: And besides, wouldn't he just be able to get a sandwich out of his kitchen, rather than coming all the way in here to the Sacred Realm?
Zelda: ... Son of a... [murmuring] ... Okay... then... we... WE LURE HIM INSIDE WITH SOMETHING! Something I haven't thought of yet!
Link: But I think the whole luring idea is a bit iffy. I mean, come on... Ganondorf may be an idiot, but he's not STUPID.
Navi: Yeah, don't you think he'd figure out that maybe the Sages were trying to lock him up?
Zelda: [huffy] Well if YOU TWO are so smart, why don't YOU WAIT AROUND SEVEN YEARS AND THINK OF A PLAN!
Navi: ... that plan took you SEVEN YEARS?
Link and Navi: [giggle]
Zelda: [crosses her arms] Shut up!
Link and Navi: [still giggling]
Zelda: If you don't stop giggling, I won't give you my ultra-cool evil-busting weapon of minimal destruction.
Link: [silent]
Navi: [still giggling]
Link: [fwaps her]
Zelda: That's better.
Link: LEMME HAVE IT LEMME HAVE IT PLEASE OH PLEASE?!
Zelda: First I have to make a speech. [clears throat] Link, I need you to protect me while I do my part in the really horrible plan. In order to down the Evil King's defenses, you'll need this hippy-dippy magical Light Arrows. Take them as a thank-you for freeing the Sages... and for saving Hyrule.
Link: GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME-
Zelda: Down boy! [she holds up her hands, and the Light Arrows appear amidst dramatic music]
Link: [snatches them] WOOOOOOT! LIGHT ARROWS FOR THE HERO, Y'ALL!
Zelda: [scratches her nose] Glad you like them.
Link: [drools over them] SHINYYYYY...
Zelda: ... [leans over to Navi] I think those seven years in the Sacred Realm did more to his mental well-being than we thought.
Navi: [snorts] You think this is bad? You weren't around for Hy-
Link: [perks up] WHAT'D YOU SAY?
Navi: ... [whispers] I'll tell you later.
Zelda: Ah. [nods] So... uh... Link... [winks at him] You like anybody in particular?
Link: [paying attention] Oh yeah, baby. [winks back at her]
Zelda: [giggles] Ooooh... can I get a name?
Link: [grins suavely] Nabooru.
Zelda: Oooh, Nab- ERK. [gasps] LINK!! WHAT ABOUT ME?!
Link: What about you?
Zelda: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEEE!
Link: You? Sorry hon, but my heart belongs to Malon and Malon alone!
Zelda: YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND AGAIN!
Link: Zelda, baby, I could never change my mind away from you!
Zelda: ... Er...kay... Gee. What's that sudden, ominous rumbling?
Link: Hmm... it's very mysterious.
Navi: Terribly mysteriou-
[Suddenly, our gang is interrupted by dust and rubble falling from the Temple ceiling, and then a bright pink FLASH- and suddenly, Zelda is encased in a pink crystal]
Zelda: YEEEK!!! PINK CRYSTAL OF DOOM! [she bangs on it] LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!
Link: EH?!
Ganondorf: [voice booming] At last I've found you, Princess Zelda! Seven years later, I've finally tracked you down!
Zelda: GANONDORF! YOU SCUM! LET ME GO!
Navi: Grrrr... LET HER GO, YOU GERUDO JERK!
Link: [pokes the crystal] Oy Ganon... why'd you use a PINK crystal?
Ganondorf: ... Why does it matter, Hero of Time?
Link: [giggles] I think he likes PINK magic, Navi.
Ganondorf: [sputters] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
Link: [still giggling]
Navi: Link... I SWEAR...
Ganondorf: SHUT UP OR I'LL SMITE HER RIGHT NOW!
Link: [shuts up]
Ganondorf: Now. Where was I? Oh yes. AHEM. AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! You eluded my capture for seven years... But I knew if I let this little runt run around, you would eventually show yourself... That's why I didn't just materialize and whack him in the first place.
Link: Either that or he was SCAAAAAAAAAAAAARED.
Ganondorf: SILENCE!
Link: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, STUPID DISEMBODIED VOICE! NYA NYA NYA NYA NYAAAAA-
Ganondorf: SILENCE OR I'LL SMITE HER RIGHT NOW!
Zelda: Link, SHUT UP!
Link: Sorry, Ganon-DORK, I switched crushes again.
Navi: LINK!
Ganondorf: [dripping with sarcasm] Ooooh. Ganon-DORK. How tremendously clever. Did you think of that all yourself, Link?
Link: SHAADDUUUUUP!
Ganondorf: Heheheheheh... I must admit, though, punk... I underestimated you...
Link: [grins]
Ganondorf: No- I underestimated the power of the Triforce of Courage...
Link: [gasps] YOU SHMUCK! COME HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!
Ganondorf: [ignoring him] And now, another piece of the Triforce is MINE! Zelda, you will pay for your treason against me!
Zelda: OH GOD! WHATT'RE YOU GONNA DO TO ME?!
Ganondorf: Well, that depends who you ask. [sinister giggle] According to the game storyline, I just extract your Triforce and then do away with you. But according to the FANFIC writers, I'm a horny son of a monkey and-
Link: Damn, them some ugly kids.
Zelda and Ganondorf: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
Link: [grins, and shuts up]
[Zelda's crystal begins to rise up towards the ceiling, and she looks down]
Zelda: LINK! LINK, HELP ME!
Link: [squints] Zelda, I can see your panties!
Zelda: [not amused] HELP ME YOU STUPID SON OF A-
Ganondorf: [coughs] Well ANYWAY. I'm going to kidnap Zelda, and if you want her back, Link, Hero of Time, GET YOUR ASS OVER TO MY CASTLE AND CHALLENGE ME, MAN-TO-MAN!
Link: [waves his hands] Oooooh, kidnapping PRINCESS ZELDA. What a TERRIBLY ORIGINAL PLOT! It's almost like you haven't done so in almost EVERY GAME IN THE SERIES THUS FAR!
Ganondorf: If you don't SHUT UP DOWN THERE-
Link: [grins again]
Navi: You know, you're really pushing it for someone who's gonna have to kick his ass in a little bit.
Link: ... [eyes pop out] CRAP.
[Zelda vanishes in a burst of light]
Zelda: IF YOU DON'T SAVE ME I'LL RIP ALL YOUR HAIR OUUUUUUUUUT- [ping!]
Link: Grrrr... [dramatic music starts up in the background] My beautiful hair will not be torn to shreds because of YOU, Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: Won't it? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA-
Link: [interrupts] Don't get cocky! THIS GAME ISN'T OVER YET, GANONDORF! THE GAME IS STILL ON!
Ganondorf: ... Was that supposed to be a song cue?
Link: DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? [bursts into song, to "The Show Must Go On" again. And technically, this is not NEW Queen, so I didn't lie in my note before. ^_~]
You think you've won now?
You think I'm on the floor?
You would be wrong, then!
You haven't checked the score!
ON... AND ON...
Not gonna let you be the Evil King no more!
Ganondorf: [growls, and sings his own part]
Another hero...
Who thinks that he can win
It's so pathetic!
I'm gonna laugh again!
ON... AND ON...
You look more idiotic than you did before!
Chorus, Link and Ganondorf:
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
Link:
I've still got six more Sages!
Ganondorf:
We just hit 21 pages
Both:
BUT THE CHAPTER... STILL GOES ON!
[Because the author is lazy, they cut to the bridge]
Link: [drops to his knees and points at the ceiling angrily]
My fate was set before me, now it must be realized!
Ganondorf: [laughs haughtily]
A fairy tale like yours could end right as the hero dies...
Both:
I'VE GOT TO TRYYYYYYYYY-YYIIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIIIII UNTIL THE END-
Chorus and Both:
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
THE GAME IS STILL OOOOOOOOON!
Ganondorf:
You're never gonna win!
Link:
I'm never givin' in!
[A dramatic instrumental ends with the stage darkening and a spotlight falling on Link]
Link:
I'LL PROVE MY WILL!
Ganondorf:
YOUR ASS I'LL KILL!
Both:
I'VE GOT TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON... WITH THE...
Chorus Singers:
ON... WITH THE...
All:
OOOOOOOOOON... WIIIIIIIITH... THEEEEEEEE...
[Music pauses, they all take a very deep breath]
... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!
[The spotlight vanishes and Link is left in dim light, kneeling on the temple floor]
Link: Navi, you still there?
Navi: Always, buddy!
Link: ZELDA, I'M COMING! TODAY'S THE DAY, EVERYONE! TODAY IS THE DAY THAT I BECOME SOMEBODY! I AM LINK SOMEBODY! AND TODAY I FOLLOW MY DESTINY!
Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYY!
Link: LET'S GO NAVI!
[We see Link, who is still in very dim light, stand up and run towards the door. He smacks face-first into the frame (having missed the opening and falls over)]
Link: OOF!
Navi: ... OW.
PPG: [out of nowhere] Now you know how it... FEELS.
Link: AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
[The lights go out.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 2-
Navi: WAIIIIIIIIIIT! NOT YET IT'S NOT!
[Oh dear God. Navi gets her own Omake today. She's dressed in a big sparkly headband next to a microphone.]
Navi: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYRUUUUUUULE!
Audience: ... o_o
Navi: I GOT A STORY T' TELL YA, EVERYONE! A STORY ABOUT A LOVE THAT I LOST... A TRAGIC STORY... A SAD STORY... BUT A GOOD STORY... EVERYBODY LISTEN UP NOW! This is a medley... dedicated to... HIM.
[Off in the corner, a guy in a tuxedo plays a piano very softly. In fact, it sounds just like "My Immortal" by Evanescence. It's all over the radio, of course, and plus, it's mainstream music, so hey, PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THIS ONE!]
Navi: [singing very sweetly]
The one I love's no longer here...
Left without a word, without a single tear...
I know he had to leave... I wish he didn't leave...
Because his presence lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...
This feeling in my nose...
The blood in endless flows...
These fangirl urges that I cannot face-
[Link appears on the side of the stage, playing a violin very dramatically as Navi continues]
Navi: [sniffling]
I saw you only a couple of nights!
You made me so hot when you wore those tights!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then you left...
Oh... Sheik...
[Link and the guy on the piano continue to play as Navi sniffles]
Navi:
My love was eternal you see, but it could not be realized...
Considering I'm 1/50th your size...
Your face was veiled... Mine's drowned out by my glow
Your voice was soft and tragic... Mine is obnoxious and sweet
This feeling in my nose...
The blood in endless flows...
These fangirl urges that I cannot face-
You taught him songs then vanished with a glance!
Oh what I'd give to get into your pants!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then you left...
Oh... Sheik...
[The music picks up very dramatically, and Navi croons it out]
Navi:
I... tried... so hard to tell myself it wasn't true!
But then something happened that I couldn't dispute!
[Link and the piano man sway back and forth, getting very into it]
Navi:
You were a ninja with hot blood-red eyes!
But then you gave me a nasty surprise!
You waited for me for seven years...
But then... [wails]
Oh, SHEIK... Oh... SHEIIIIIIIIIIK...
[The music begins to fade out in dramatic wailing, and Navi suddenly sits up and snaps her fingers]
Navi: HIT IT.
[The dramatic music fizzles out into bagpipes as "Centerfold" makes a reappearance. HOLY CRAP. AGAIN! Navi shakes her booty, and a line of dancing Sheikah ladies appear in the background]
Navi: COME ON!
Sheikah Ladies:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi:
He was tall! He was dark!
Talk about complete!
That sexy Sheikah studmuffin had pulled off quite a feat!
He met us near the temples
And he taught us different songs!
I bled a lot as I imagined him
In a little purple thong...
Sheikah Ladies:
WOOOOOOOO!
Navi:
Chapter 25 the rug was pulled from under me...
Turns out my man was stricken with a false identity!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
My angel was a chick in drag!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
WHERE ARE YOU, BABY?!
All:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
Navi: [bobs back and forth]
Dressed in navy blue spandex
With eyes that caught me like a hex
I was shy, I turned away...
I felt like I could die
Sheikah Ladies:
OH NO!
Navi:
I was shaking in my wings
He revealed his lack of certain things
And when I learned the awful news
I dropped from flight and cried!
That mysterious air about him made me bleed right out the nose...
Now they tell me my man was just a chick in ninja clothes!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
My angel was a chick in drag!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
I STILL REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi:
It's okay, I understand...
She just wanted to save the land...
Maybe if Ganondorf was gone
My date with Sheik would be back on
We'll rent a car, oh, yes we will!
My Sheikling's gonna drive it...
We'll take it to the forest
And there we'll do something private!
Sheikah Ladies:
GASP!
Navi:
A part of me has just been ripped
My wings are tired, my mind has slipped
I keep trying to deny it...
BUT IT'S NO USE, I HAVE TO BUY IT!
IT'S CRUDE, IT'S BAD!
TURNS OUT MY DUDE IS NOT A LAD!
MY ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
Sheikah Ladies:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
ZELDA HAD A TRYST!
Navi:
TURNS OUT MY SHEIK DOES NOT EXIST!
[speaking]
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
All:
ANGEL WAS A CHICK IN DRAG!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
Navi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [breaks down onstage] 1-2-3-4!
All:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!
[The Sheikah ladies wander off, leaving Navi onstage in a sobbing heap.]
Navi: IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY?! WHYYYYYYY, NINTENDO, WHYYYYYYYYYY?!
[Link tiptoes over to Navi and taps her on the shoulder]
Link: Nav... you gonna be okay?
Navi: [sobbing] That's tentative.
Link: ... Well, look on the bright side, Nav. You still have me.
Navi: [looks up, blinks, then cries harder]
Link: ... WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 25*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~