Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Four: Spirit Temple ( Chapter 24 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Slaved over by Galaxy Girl!

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: Smells Like Spirit! -OR- Flame Me! Frost Me! TWINROVA'S FINALLY HERE! -OR- Link: Inside the Goddess of the Sand (*SLAP * BLOODY PERVERT!!!)

In this scene...

Link, our Hero of Time!
Young Link, his younger self!
Navi, the character who most deserves a raise in pay!
Nabooru, Gerudo Queen of Double Entendre!
Koume, Sorceress of Flame!
Kotake, Sorceress of Frost!
Twinrova, both of the above in burlesque form!
Uber-Nabooru, Scary Iron Knuckle!
A variety of fun, cuddly, bloodthirsty desert monsters!
And towards the end, our favorite cuddly overweight Sage, Rauru!

(A/N: ... wait. DARUNIA is our favorite cuddly, overweight Sage. Sorry. My mistake!

AND NOW, FOR THIS CHAPTER'S AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Sheik Controversy!

It's commonly debated whether Sheik is male or female... Being (coughZELDASALTEREGOcough) would give you the impression that s/he is female... But actually, in the context of Ocarina of Time, Sheik is MALE. MALE. THEY SAID IT. HE'S MALE. Ruto talks about a Sheikah BOY coming to save her. She asks Link to thank HIM. Navi talks about Sheik as a MALE.

Now, in SSBM, Sheik is a female. They give him a female voice. Not only that, but only in episodes of Sailor Moon Stars are people given the opportunity to watch a sparkly sex-change before their very eyes. I don't think Nintendo wanted to deal with the ESRB about THAT. (Can you not see the caption? "RATED T FOR TEEN FOR COMIC MISCHIEF, COMIC VIOLENCE, AND TRANSSEXUALITY") So, OoT Sheik is male, SSBM Sheik is female.

Which means it's okay for me to write Sheik stripping for the fangirls a few more times. FWAHAHA.)


(Scene: This scene opens on a dark stage, where sparkly blue special effects lighting is suggesting to us that perhaps we are in the Temple of Time, watching Link turn into a child again. And indeed, we are! The light fades out as the chorus singers burst out a dramatic reprise.)

Chorus Singers:
LEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!
LEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!

Link: YEAAAAH BAB- [voice cracks]-YYYY!

Navi: [bursts out laughing] BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-[clunk] OW!

[The light fades away and we see Link rubbing his fist as though he has just whacked Navi into the floor. And indeed, he has.]

Link: [a child now] It's not that funny!

Navi: Oh, yes it is. [flutters up, rubbing the back of her head]

Link: [places his arms on his hips] No, it's not! It's not nice to make fun of me for something I can't control.

Navi: But... er... Link? You CAN-

Link: SILENCE! [points at her accusingly] I can't wait until YOU go through puberty so I can make fun of you!

Navi: [pauses] ... Me? Go through puberty? HA.

Link: Well, you're not an old fairy now, are you? You sound just like a little girl.

Navi: Little girl?! I'm 1,624 years old, you punk!

Link: ... Oooh... so you're a fogey?

Navi: Grr...

Link: [waves his hands innocently as they head out of the back room of the temple] I'm just kidding, Navi... relax!

Navi: [sighs deeply] You're right... we're both a bit testy today.

Link: Can you blame us?

Navi: ... Can I?

Link: Well, come on. [gentle, happy drum beats begin in the background] We're so close to our goal! It's natural for things to get a little tense!

Navi: [suddenly happy] That's right! We are close, aren't we?!

Link: Yeah! Only one more Sage to awaken and then we're home free!

Navi: WOO! I suddenly feel like singing!

Link: FUNNY! ME TOO!

[Link leaps up onto the altar in front of the Door of Time and bursts into song! It's "Mother and Child Reunion" by Paul Simon, another one of them old songs I doubt hardly any of you will actually know unless you listen to music older than me. Sorry. ^^;; It's a good song, though.]

Navi:
Well, I don't wanna give you false hope
On this bright and happy day
But our reunion with Princess Zelda
Is only a chapter away!

[Link and Navi sway back and forth, and a bright beam of sunlight cascades in through the window and down on them. Three of the chorus singers, dressed in long, Sagey robes line up behind Link and Navi and provide backup]

Link: [sighs, smiles as he feels the sun on his face and generally feels good, singing]
Whoa-oh, little buddy of mine...
I can't for the life of me
Remember the darker days
When it was just you and me
But things have been going our way...
Through these last 24 chapters...
Over and over again...

[Bright, cheerful birdies singing and the sun shines, flowers bloom (indoors?), ahhh, what a happy scene! It's making me all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it! SHARE THE LOVE, EVERYONE!]

Link, Navi and Chorus:
Not to give ourselves that false hope! (NO!)
On this bright and happy day
But our reunion with Princess Zel-elda
Is only a chapter away!

[Navi rocks back and forth to the beat as she picks up the melody]

Navi:
Whoa-oh, bigger hero of mine...
I can't believe it's so!
Though it seems strange to say
I thought we'd be killed long ago!
We lived, now, and what the hey!
Through these last 24 chapters...
Over and over again...

Link, Navi and Chorus:
Not to give ourselves that false hope! (NO!)
On this bright and happy day
But our reunion with Princess Zelda (REUUUUUNION!)
Is only a chapter away!
Oohh!
Our reunion with Princess Zelda is only a chapter away!
Our reunion with Princess Zelda is only a moment away!

Chorus Singers:
Our reunion with Princess Zelda is only a chapter away!

[Link and Navi do a fancy shuffle together... it would look fancier if Navi wasn't just a glowing pair of wings. I know there's a body in there SOMEWHERE, but for Pete's sake, Nintendo, how lazy can you- ... er... anyway, they're doing a dance.]

Link: WOO!

Navi: WE'RE ALMOST THERE!

Link: We've almost done it!

Navi: YEAH BABY!

Link: [throws up his arms] I WILL BE THE VICTORIOUS HERO OF-

[Suddenly, Link is pegged in the face with a tomato, knocking him backwards and off the altar.]

Link: OW!

Navi: Huh?!

[From the corner (the Closet Door of Time), we can see the silhouettes of the four singing carpenters who do the Temple of Time music.]

Carpenters: [to the tune of the Song of Time]
Hey, you...
Stupid kid...
Hey, this our gig
Get your ass out, if you want to sing...

Link: [stands up, combing tomato parts out of his hair] Craaaanky.

Navi: Well... the fact that you sort of forgot to rescue one of them last chapter probably doesn't help.

Link: ... whoops.

Navi: Eh... who cares about them! We are still optimistic! Let's warp to the desert real quick so we can awaken that last Sage and SAAAVE THE WORLD!

Link: WOOO!

[Triumphant, heroic music plays as Link plays the Requiem of Spirit (which totally clashes) and vanishes in a burst of orange light.]

(Scene: The Desert Colossus. All is quiet. The wind blows, desert birds call across the scenery, and the Colossus is... colossal. Suddenly, there is a small flash of orange light in the sky)

Link: [voice sounds distant] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Like a streaking orange comet, Link goes rocketing downwards and RIGHT TOWARDS the Colossus, screaming with an interesting Doppler effect]

Link: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Then there is a tremendous explosion of sand.]

Link: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- OOOOOF!

[Once again, all is still.]

[A few minutes go by with nothing happening. Navi slowly crawls out from beneath Link's hat, shaken very badly. She flies up into the air and shakes off, tossing about 10 square pounds of sand out of her clothes]

Navi: ... That was NUTS. BLAH. [she looks around as though to get her bearings] Well... looks like the song worked! Good news, Link, we don't have to get into madcap, slapstick, hilarious hijinks while we walk to our next destination anymore! We can just warp!

Link: [silent, face-down in a big pile of sand]

Navi: ... Link?

Link: [sits up and looks at Navi, his face smashed and bleeding with sand stuck in big crusty lumps on his eyes] ... Did we make it?

Navi: [leaps backwards] NYAAAH!

Link: [tilts his head] I am in an amazing amount of pain.

Navi: I... see that. [twitch] Looks painful.

Link: [murmurs, sand comes out of his mouth] Do I look okay?

Navi: Er... [twitch] Y... [twitch] Yeah. Sexy as ever! [grits her teeth]

Link: OOOKAY! [wobbles to his feet and points to the temple] LET'S GOO!

Navi: ... [grabs him by the arm and drags him across the sand, to the left of the temple] Actually, buddy, maybe we'd better go over here...

Link: Where?

Navi: Here. [parks him on a large rock around an oasis] Play the Song of Storms.

Link: [blinks, wiping off sand and revealing two huge black eyes and a broken nose] ... Why?

Navi: [innocent chuckle] I think you could use a little healing before we head in!

Link: ... You said I looked fine.

Navi: If being hit by a rolling Goron is "fine", then... yeah.

Link: [grumbles and pulls out his Ocarina, playing the Song of Storms shakily]

[There is a crash of thunder and rain begins to fall around the parched desert. Unknowing of such an unusual thing, the local wildlife begins to panic and run around in circles in terror. The oasis fill up and with a burst of bright pink light, a bunch of fairies appear.]

Link: [stares, dazed at the fairies] ... Pretty.

Navi: [shoves him in with a big splash] In ya go!

[There are a few moment of silence as bubbles rise to the surface of the oasis, but suddenly, Link rises out of the water, sparkling and looking 100% better. In fact, he's even singing.]

Link: [strikes an extremely dorky pose]
... I've got the URGE.

[Bright Caribbean music plays, the sky darkens and bright neon lights flash as Link does a snazzy dance. Hot Gerudo women appear and start washing his hair]

Gerudo Women:
HE'S GOT THE UUUUURGE TO HERBAL!

Navi: ...

Link:
This is the first time that I've been clean!
Since all the way in chapter 19!

Gerudo: OOH!
HE'S GOT THE URGE!

Link: [voice drops a few octaves for some reason]
NATURAL, BOTANICAL!

Gerudo: [begin lifting up Link's tunic to give him a nice bath]
HE'S GOT THE-

[As Link's tunic comes up, more sand than would seem possible goes PLOMPH around him, completely filling in all of the water in the oasis, and leaving Link standing alone, sans daydream, in the middle of a pile of sandy mud.]

Link: Eh? Eh? Eh? [looking around]

Navi: ... What in the hell was that?

Link: ... NOOOOO! COME BAAACK! [bursts into tears]

Navi: [grabs Link by the back of the shirt and drags him out of the mud] Come on... Temple, Link, Temple!

Link: Women, Navi... Women...

Navi: Come ON.

(Scene: The first room of the Spirit Temple. Link strolls in, still looking a bit pouty.)

Link: Weeeeell, here we are! Back again!

Navi: Now that we did what the big creepy stone statue said, we can go into the "Past" side of the temple through the little bitty hole.

Link: HAHA, so much for the impenetrable temple! In your face, Ancient Gerudo-

[Suddenly, two ceramic pots lift up from their places on either side of the steps and go flying at our hero. He screams and hits the floor in time to watch them smack together and explode]

Link: ... that's new.

Navi: Be careful, Link. There might be a lot of booby-traps in here if the Gerudo treasure is really THAT sacred.

Link: [takes a deep breath as he reaches the top of the stairs, sighs and leans against one of the statues] Whew... that surprised me a bit.

Armos: GREERRRGGH.

Link: ... [glances at it, goes slowly white] ... It's alive, isn't it.

Navi: Um... Yeah.

Link: [turns on a dime, screams bloody murder and runs] AIEEEEEEEEEE!

Navi: LINK LOOKO-

Link: [turns around halfway] WHA-

[At that second, Link slams into something tall, soft, and scantily clad. He freezes in place with his arms out on both sides of whatever it is, like cartoon characters do when they hit a pole at high speed.]

Link: ... [wraps his arms around it, feeling] ... What... is this?

Navi: ... [white as a sheet] ... Link. Look up. Slowly.

[Link looks up very slowly and sees something that a lot of boys his age would pay a lot of money to see. He immediately screams and falls backwards with a huge nosebleed, unconscious on the floor]

[As you have probably guessed, Link has slammed head-first into Nabooru, and due to the size difference, his head ended up... well, use your imagination. She's a pretty Gerudo girl, the same age as or not that much older than Adult Link. She's dressed in pink clothes with long red hair, golden eyeshadow and pretty gold eyes.]

Nabooru: ... Can I help you?

Navi: [shaking in terror] OH MY GOD. OOOH MY GOD. OOOOOOHHH MY GOOOOOOD.

Nabooru: [glances at Navi with an eyebrow raised, nudging Link with her foot] Is this kid... yours?

Navi: [swallows heavily] Um... w-with all due respect, m-ma'am... Don't you think I'm a little small for that?!

Nabooru: ... Ah. [kneels down next to him and pokes him with one finger] Is he gonna be okay?

Navi: Just a nosebleed, ma'am. He did run head-on into your dirty pillows.

Nabooru: Huh. Pretty "active" hormonally for a 10-year-old kid, don'tcha think?

Navi: Er...

Nabooru: [winds up and kicks him] Heeeey WAKE UP!

Link: [is kicked] OW. [he slowly sits up] ... uuunnggh... Navi... I had the most wonderful dream... I slammed face-first into some Gerudo's b-

[He opens his eyes to see Navi and Nabooru both leaning over him]

Link: ... I wasn't dreaming, was I.

Nabooru: [hugs her chest] Don't think so. Either that or I just had a crazy hallucination that some 10-year-old kid had his face in my b-

Navi: [pulls Link to his feet] WELL! ISN'T THAT NICE. LISTEN, MISS VIOLENT KILLER LADY NABOORU-

Nabooru: [eyes widen indignantly] Violent? Killer? Who, me?

Link: [gasps in horror and points] I SLAMMED INTO LADY NABOORU'S B-

Navi: NICE TALKING TO YOU OKAY BY-

[Nabooru steps out in front of them to do her duty and guard the temple... NOW.]

Nabooru: [crosses her arms grumpily] You're not going ANYWHERE until you tell me what the hell you think you're doing here!

Link: [wets his pants] EXPLORING THE TEMPLE!

Nabooru: [getting furious] The temple is no place for a kid to be messing around in!

Navi: L-LOOKING FOR SAGES!

Nabooru: I don't know anyone like that... I think you'd better get out of here before I-

Link: [leaps to his feet, twiddling his thumbs] Well actually, Lady Nabooru type woman, we weren't doing anything!

Nabooru: [looks like she buys this even less]

Link: NOTHING AT ALL!

Nabooru: [grins suddenly] REEEEALLY?! That's great... It's a great thing that you've come along, I need you for something, kid!

Link: [eyes widen] What?

Nabooru: Come here... I gotta show you the hole... [grabs Link by the arm and runs back up the temple stairs]

Link: The WHAT?!

Nabooru: [winks at him] The hole!

Link: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. [face melts]

Nabooru: No, I'm going to show you the hole. For real.

Navi: HEY, WAIT! [protesting] Y-YOU CAN'T SHOW HIM THAT! HE'S MY RESPONSIBILITY! HE'S TOO YOUNG TO KNOW OF SUCH THINGS!

Link: NO ACTUALLY IT'S REALLY OKAY NAVI! [bliss has sunken into his face]

Navi: Oh GOD. Killer Gerudo pedophile has my charge... stay calm, Navi! [chases after them]

[Nabooru drags Link over to the left and points out the teeny weeny little hole]

Nabooru: THERE!

Link: ...

Nabooru: LITTLE BITTY HOLE, ISN'T IT?!

Link: [sighs deeply] Yeah. It's small.

Nabooru: [winks at him and nudges him with her elbow] Think you can fit in there?

Link: [crosses his arms] I'm sure I can. But I don't do favors for strange women.

Nabooru: ... Oh yeah. We haven't introduced ourselves, have we? [chuckles] Silly me.

Link: [puts out his hand] I'm Link and the fairy is Navi. You must be the evil baby killing Lady Nabooru.

Nabooru: [pauses, and slugs him hard in the face]

Link: OW! OW! CHILD ABUSE!

Nabooru: Who said I killed babies? And I ain't EVIL, either. Who the hell's been telling you that?

Link: Um... every-

Nabooru: [grabs him by the collar with one hand and pulls him up to her eye level] Every WHO?! It was Mina, wasn't it... That little SKANK! [faces to the side and snaps her fingers] I knew it. SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME, THAT JEALOUS LITTLE-

Link: [sweating bullets]

Nabooru: [continues her rant] SHE'S AAAAALWAYS wanted to one-up me... She's telling everyone that I'm such a horrible person, when she's such a nasty little wench herself-

Navi: Excuse me.

Nabooru: [turns to Navi] Hmm?

Navi: [points at Link] He can't breathe.

[Nabooru glances at Link, who is turning blue]

Nabooru: Ooh, sorry. [releases him]

Link: [coughing and gagging]

Nabooru: [points at herself dramatically] I'm Nabooru, all right, second-in-command of the great Gerudo Forces. But whoever's been telling you about me is a BLOODY LIAR! You mean you haven't heard any of the other stories about my greatness?

Link: ... um... just that you castrated more men than any other Gerudo has, ever.

Nabooru: [pause] ... Well, um... BESIDES THAT! Why don't I tell you a little about myself?

Navi: It's going to be in song form, isn't it?

Nabooru: I'm second-in-command of the Gerudo and the Mistress O' Musicals. Of course it is!

Link: I thought AVEIL was the Mistress O'-

Nabooru: [interrupts] -ACTING Mistress O' Musicals and don't you forget it! ONE! TWO A ONE TWO THREE FOUR-

[Nabooru bursts into a song, a reprise of "Lady Madonna" from the last chapter!]

Nabooru: [does a very impressive hip-hop style dance as she sings]
Nabooru, the lone wolf!
Or so that's what they say!
I uphold the sacred, ancient Gerudo way!
You don't steal from women!
Or kids, or from the weak
Only the rich, who can spare the change
Or a random geek.

[She snaps her fingers in time and shows her amazing, inborn abilities to perform a wham-bang musical number.]

Nabooru:
Champion of archery on horseback!
Stealthiest and most congenial, too...
[she whips out a pair of Gerudo swords]
I'll kick your ass with swords and make your skull crack!

Link: [crawls away]
NO... WE BELIEVE YOU!

Nabooru:
Nabooru, the lone wolf
Toughest girl in town!
Wonder how those rumors got passed around?

[A saxophone solo echoes out of nowhere. The three of them jump and look around as though they too, are wondering]

Link: ... That's a little bit scary.

Nabooru: ... No kidding.

Navi: LINK!

Link: [whispers] What?

Navi: Don't you get it? Nabooru ISN'T vicious! Something must have happened during those seven years to make her change!

Link: We have to stop it!

Nabooru: [pokes them] Ahem.

Both: SORRY!

Nabooru:
I'm almost done...
Nabooru, the lone wolf!
Second-in-command!
Most exalted of Gerudos throughout the land!

[Another short sax solo]

Nabooru: [snaps her fingers and dances]
Ganondorf, our king, I'm supposed to bow to!
But I think that he's up to some bad trick...
I'll never bow to a man like him, who...

Nabooru and Link: [sing together, sharing sentiments]
IS... SUCH A PRICK...

Nabooru:
Nabooru, the lone wolf!
Will fend off tears and sorrow!
Leading the Gerudo to a better tomorrow!

[The song fades out into Nabooru snapping her fingers repeatedly and bobbing her head]

Nabooru: Oh yeah. I still got it.

Navi: [shocked] Did I just hear right?

Nabooru: What?

Navi: Did you just say that you're NOT loyal to Ganondorf?

Nabooru: [snorts] Psssh. That idiot? No way. He's a total bastard.

Link: But I thought all the Gerudo were supposed to worship him!

Nabooru: Well... technically, we're SUPPOSED to. But I don't. And for good reason.

Navi: What wo-

[But before Navi can get the words out, Nabooru merges effortlessly into another song, "Killer Queen" by... three guesses. Queen! COOL song, and I've been waiting FOREVER to find a place to use it!]

Nabooru: [singing, VERY nicely]
He keeps a big shrine to Impa
In a metal cabinet
We don't need a leader
Who hasn't slept without his blankie yet!
NOT TO MENTION... HE'S SINISTER...
AND PAIN HE'LL... ADMINISTER...
To everyone...
Who doesn't follow his stupid commands!
The others bow like mindless twits
I've managed to keep my wits
Extraordinarily intact-

[Nabooru slides out on her knees and is backed up by the chorus]

Nabooru and Chorus:
He's a killer... KIIIIIING
I read him like a magazine!
Not to mention his skin is green!
We're in it deep if he sticks around-
WHAT A CLOWN!

Nabooru:
Ooh...
I know he is the only male
But as a king, I'm sure he'll fail...
What a tale!

[Groovy piano and electric guitar in the background as Link and Navi glance back and forth from one to the other, enjoying the song]

Link: [adds in]
If we don't find the Sages
The dork will take over the world
His evil monsters
Will then set loose and be unfurled!

Nabooru:
You've got to be kidding me!
I didn't think he'd ever be
Stupid enough
To go for the whole entire country...
Well, kiddies, that's it! I'm settled!
I've made up my mind to meddle!
I won't stand by and allow-

Nabooru, Link, Chorus:
Oh, that killer... KIIIIIIIING
I read him like a magazine!
Not to mention his skin is green!
We're in it deep if he sticks around-
WHAT A CLOWN!

[A long, groovy piano and guitar solo kicks in as Link and Nabooru discuss their common enemy]

Nabooru: He used to be a pretty normal kid, but there was always that freakish "I'm an evil villain in the making" glint in his eye!

Link: He knocked me on my ass with a fireball!

Nabooru: Jeez, I'm glad you're here! When this song is over, we'll mess up Ganondorf's plans, GOOD...

Link: Um... how?

Nabooru: This temple is being used as a hideout by Ganondorf and two of his minions! I'm going to sneak in and steal the treasure out from under them so they can't use it for themselves!

Link: GO GIRL!

Nabooru: One thing though...

Link and Navi: What?

Nabooru: I can't exactly fit through this hole...

Link: Um... the instrumental is ending, Nabooru.

Nabooru: I see. Here, kid, let's end this in style.



[Nabooru whips out three cabaret-style top hats and the screen flashes. She, Link, and Navi are suddenly in sparkly tuxedo-like costumes, strutting around the room with a large mirror ball above them and chorus dancers around to back them up.]

Link: ...SWEET.

[They break into an organized cabaret dance with chairs]

Nabooru:
They take off their hats and bow mindlessly...
Because he's the king and he's supposed to be...
But I see past his stupid game, and I don't support his stupid name
I'll spit on his posters with a smiiiiiiiiiiiile! PATOOEY!

Chorus, Link, Navi:
A SMIIIIIILE!

Nabooru: [winks and points at the audience]
Don't let him convince you!

All:
He's a killer... KIIIIIIIIIING
I read him like a magazine!
Not to mention his skin is green!
We're in it deep if he sticks around-
WHAT A CLOWN!

Nabooru: [strikes a sexy pose with one foot on the chair, Link and Navi do the same]
Ooh...
I know he is the only male
But as a king, I'm sure he'll fail...
What a tale!

[The piano and electric guitar chords take us out and Nabooru snaps her fingers. The Spirit Temple is returned to normal, and she, Link and Navi are in the center. While Nab and Navi have their feet set on random pedestals, Link has his foot on an Armos]

Link: ... Oh no.

Armos: GREEERRGGGH!

Link: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! [turns on a dime and runs towards Nabooru]

Nabooru: Yeah, nice try. [steps out of the way, Link trips and goes flying.]

Link: [face-down on the ground] It was worth a shot.



Nabooru: [claps her hands] ANYWAY! Let's get down to business, kid!

Link: [sits up] All right!

Navi: HUDDLE!

[The three of them huddle]

Nabooru: Okay... You're gonna go through this hole and upstairs through a bunch of rooms to the first treasure of the Spirit Temple... The Silver Gauntlets. They let you lift really heavy things without hardly any effort.

Link: [eyes sparkle]

Nabooru: [thwacks him in the head] No, no, no, kid! Don't even think about taking them for yourself. They wouldn't even fit a little guy like you!

Link: Rats.

Nabooru: Just head up there, protect yourself from any monsters, and bring me back the gauntlets! Then I'll head in on the other side and give Ganondorf and his minions a big surprise, huh?

Navi: [salutes] Sounds good to me!

Link: And maybe we'll find the Sage while we're at it!

Navi: [clears her throat very obviously, points at Nabooru] COUGHIT'SHERCOUGH.

Nabooru: [gives Navi a look] ...?

Link: [concerned] Navi, you'd better get that cough checked out. It sounds terrible.

Navi: Oy. [rolls her eyes]

Nabooru: Well... what are you waiting for? Hurry up! [gestures frantically at the hole] Go on, go on!

Link: [salutes] Nabooru, my sweet, I will return triumphant into your arms!

Nabooru: ... um...

Navi: And you like HER now.

Link: Yes...

Navi: Does it have anything to do with the fact that you ran into her b-

Link: [angrily and dramatically] MY LOVE IS PURE!

Navi: Okay, okay, whatever you say...

[Link and Navi head for the hole, but Nabooru stops them]

Nabooru: One more thing...

Link: Hmm?

Nabooru: If you can successfully bring me the Silver Gauntlets... I'll do something really special for you in return.

[Long pause.]

Link: ... EXCUSE ME?

Nabooru: You heard me! [winks] I'll do something really special for you in return.

Link: ... WHOA-KAY! [crawls into the hole as fast as his legs can carry him]

Navi: WAAAAIT A SECOND!!! WAIT! ONE! GOSH! DARNED! SECOND!

Nabooru: Yes?

Navi: DID YOU HONESTLY JUST OFFER HIM WHAT I THINK YOU OFFERED HIM?!

Nabooru: ... um... [looks around shiftily] ... Yes?

Navi: HE'S ONLY 10 YEARS OLD! HE'S WAY YOUNGER THAN YOU, YOU PERVERT! YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A POOR, SWEET LITTLE BOY LIKE THAA-

[A hand reaches out of the hole and grabs Navi, yanking her in]

Link: COME, NAVI! TO THE SILVER GAUNTLETS!

Navi: [muffled] MMPHHPGPGMGMHHMHHH!

Nabooru: [into the hole as they crawl away] GOOD LUCK, KID!

Navi: ONCE WE GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU, YOU SICK, SICK WOMAN!

(Scene: The first REAL room of the Spirit Temple, on the west side (child). Link emerges from the hole to find a Beamos and some more pleasant monsters waiting for him.)

Link: [whips out his slingshot and aims at a Keese] Heeeere we go...

Navi: Here we go what?

Link: My first kill of the final temple!

[There is a THWAP! noise as the bullet hits the Keese, knocking it to the ground dead.]

Link: WOO! No time to waste! Let's get those gauntlets and hurry back to Nabby-Darling!

Navi: ... Think she would mind if you called her that?

Link: Of course not. My charms are irresistible to women. They flock towards me.

Navi: Pardon.

Link: Yes?

Navi: You're 10 years old. Your current "charm" still comes from the fact that you're precocious.

Link: ... NUH UH!

Navi: Anyhoo, let's get on with it! HIT IT!

[The Spirit Temple music starts up! Well... the first part of it, anyway. It's "Walk Like An Egyptian" by the Bangles! Link and Navi shuffle to the right and into the door set on that side of the room]

Link: [gestures to the stuff around them]
All the old paintings and the traps
Are supposed to be sort of the same
As something we know...

Navi and Statues:
OH-WAY-OH!



Link:
They like something like this in every game!

[Link and Navi enter the room where they have to use the boomerang on the crystal switch to drop the walkway]

Navi:
It's just easier to relate
When you base a place on reality
It's supposed to feel...

Link and Statues:
OH-WAY-OH!

Navi: [leaps out of the way, nearly squashed as the walkway falls]
Real close to some nationality!

Link:
Then the human's rights groups say-

Paintings of Human's Rights Group Lawyers on the Wall: [turn towards the camera]
HEY, WHOA! HEY, WHOA! OOOOKAAYYYY, NOOOOO-NOOOOO...

Link and Navi: [face the lawyers]
It isn't Egyptian.

Lawyers: ... [glare suspiciously at our heroes]

Link: [assures them]
It isn't Egyptian!

Lawyers: [vanish]

[Link reaches the room in which he has to fight a Stalfos]

Stalfos: [appears] WAHAHAHAHA.

Link: AAAGGGGH, HEEEEELLLP!

Navi: It's just a Stalfos! Kill it!

Link: NOOOOOO!

Navi: [whacks him] COME ON, YOU WUSSY! It's just a walking, laughing evil undead skeleton monster with a big, bloody, crooked sword!

Link: [backed against the wall] WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE COMFORTING?!

Navi: Uh... [ponders that]

Stalfos: [approaches Link slowly, cackling maniacally]

Navi: LINK! DO IT FOR NABOORU!

Link: ... NABOORU? [cringes] EW, YUCK, SHE'S LIKE... WAY OLDER THAN ME!

Navi: ... Oh JEEZ, NOT THIS AGAIN.

Link: [whips out the Kokiri sword (WEAPON, you perverts!) and waves it threateningly... ish] BACK! BACK, SAVAGE!

Navi: [cheers him on] Yeah, that's it, Link! GET IT!

Link: I WILL PROTECT MY DEAR NAVI WITH ALL MY POWER!

Navi: ... o_O;;

Link: HIYAAAAAAAA!!!! [flings himself at the monster, slashing his sword wildly]

Navi: ... This is a new development.

[Blah blah, yadda, yadda, IT'S DEEEAAAD!]

Link: [sighs deeply, brushes off his tunic]

Navi: [looking at him very strangely]

Link: ... What's with the stink-eye?

Navi: [about to tell him, but then decides against it] ... Nothing.

Link: ... Okay. LET'S GO! [points further into the temple]

(Scene: A little big later, as Link climbs up the big climby wall that leads up into that cave-looking room. He jumps off the wall and sets eyes on that big creepy sun plaque on the wall. The Temple Medley continues with a fun, techno-y beat as Link and Navi bob up and down upon entry into the room. Little colored lights shine around. It's "The Sign" by Ace of Base!)

Link: [points at the sun] WE'RE GONNA SHINE ON YOU!

[Bright piano chords]

Link, Navi, Chorus:
... UP-

Link:
Here in the temple
Never done one of these as a kid before!
How could a person
My size not get killed?!

Navi, Chorus:
AAAH!

Link:
I saw the door locked! [looks glum]
And I was without a clue...

Navi, Chorus:
OOOOOOHHHH...

Link:
Then I read the game guide! [holds up the Versus Books guide]

Navi, Chorus, Link:
I SAW THE SUN!
AND IT OPENED UP MY EYES, I SAW THE SUN!

Link:
Trapped in the temple!
The solution is so simple!

[They all point at the scary sun plaque on the wall]

Navi, Chorus, Link:
SHINE ON THE SUN!
JUST WHIP OUT A BOMB AND SHINE LIGHT ON THE SUN!

[Link does this. The light shines into the room and onto the big scary sun plaque- it smiles dementedly and starts to spin around. WOO. That's the stuff nightmares are made of.]

Link: [winces at the creepy sun, then shakes his head defiantly]
No puzzle's gonna mess me up!
Headin' to put those gloves where they belong!

Navi and Chorus:
TO NAB WHERE THEY BELONG...

[Mystical, Arabian-sounding flutes light up the background as Link and Navi continue through to the snake lady room. The techno beat keeps up as they share their observations.]

Link and Navi: OOOOOOOH.

Link: Wow. I'd like to get my hands on-

Navi: [whacks him] -WHACK!

Link: OW! [rubs his face] THAT SNAKESKIN HOOD!

Navi: [disapproving] Yeah, RIGHT.

Link: WAAH. [looks around] This room is huge! How are we supposed to know where to go?

Navi: Well... If you really think about it...
[SONG MODE!]

Link, Chorus, Navi:
...WE-

Navi:
Just came from downstairs!
So there's obviously one way we must go.
Keep heading upwards...
We'll have those gloves to SHOW.
AH! [points up the stairs] I have just seen
A door up atop those stairs!

Link, Chorus:
OOOOOOOOOOOOHH.

Navi: [points]
Let's go over there!

Link, Navi, Chorus:
I SAW THE STAIRS!
AND THEY OPENED UP MY EYES, I SAW THE STAIRS!

Link: [rubs his butt]
This temple of theirs
Could really use some chairs!

Link, Navi, Chorus:
I SAW THE STAIRS!
AND THEY OPENED UP MY EYES, I SAW THE STAIRS!

Navi:
No big room'll trip us up!
Now let's go get those gloves where they belong!

Link, Chorus:
TO NAB WHERE THEY BELONG!

Link, Navi:
WHOA. WHOA-OHHHHH!

[Our dynamic duo sprints up the steps and slips up the spiral stairs inside. ALLITERATION IS YOUR FRIEND!]

[At the top of the steps is the scary "bottomless" room with the little floaty snake things inside of it. Link and Navi are bobbing to "Walk Like An Egyptian" again.]

Link: [points at one of the snake things]
Oh you're kidding me!
This is wrong!
Look at it, it looks like a mummy!

Navi:
Can't be accur-ate!

Statues:
OH-WAY-OH!

Navi: [whispering]
The lawyers would fricassee our butt!

Link and Navi:
You think that we won't understand
The inside joke and redundancy
Of naming them-

Statues:
A-NU-BIS!

Navi: [makes a weird little face]
Like that story with the male pregnancy.

Link:
It's a myth from a certain land, say-

Statues of Lawyers: [appear, shaking their fists]
HEY, WHOA! HEY, WHOA! OOOOKAAYYYY, NOOOOO-NOOOOO...

Link and Navi: [shrug, as Link sneaks out of the room the back way]
Must be Egyptian!
Got to be Egyptian!

[A long, groovy, desert-ish instrumental takes place as Link and Navi shimmy and shuffle their way through the temple. Statues and random monsters and Gerudo dancers appear to help them. At one points, ballet dancers dressed as pyramids leap across the stage, and the lawyer statues chase them, throwing things.]

(Scene: Link and Navi arrive in the so-called "Room of Three Challenges"!)

Navi: Ooooh!

Link: What?

Navi: This must be the legendary "Room of Three Challenges"!

Link: ... Three Challenges?

Navi: Yes! Three of the most shocking, horrifyingly difficult challenges EVER! Legends of how many people it has taken have spread all across the world!

Link: [glances around the room, which actually looks pretty serene and... NOT challenging.] ... Doesn't look so bad to me.

Navi: Oh no, it's BAD all right. The first challenge is THE CHALLENGE OF THE SHINY MONEY! [dramatic music]

Link: [paying attention now] SHINY?! MONEY?!

Navi: [in a really big creepy voice] YEEEEEEEEESSSSS! YOU MUST GATHER THE FIVE JEWELS OF SHINY WHITE!

Link: Done.

Navi: [whips her head to look at him] What?!

Link: Done.

Navi: You can't be done!

Link: I am!

Navi: YOU CANNOT BE DONE! THE CHALLENGE OF THE SHINY MONEY CANNOT BE COMPLETED SO QUICKLY!

Link: But I finished!

Navi: LIAAAAR! [she meanders over towards a lit torch] IF YOU WERE DONE, THIS TORCH WOULD BE LIT!

Link: ...

Navi: ... [glances at the torch] ... OKAY THEN! I'LL GIVE YOU THAT... BUT YOU ARE TRULY DOOMED NOW! FOR NEXT IS THE DREADED "CHALLENGE OF THREE PYROMANIACS"! YOU MUST LIGHT ALL THREE TORCHES IN THIS ROOM WITH ONE STICK!

Link: [blows out a Deku stick] Done.

Navi: [double-takes] WHAT?!

Link: I'm DONE.

Navi: YOU CAN'T BE DONE!!! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CHALLENGING, MEANING IT'LL TAKE LONGER THAN 10 SECONDS!

Link: [checks his Kokiri-brand Rolex] Actually more like 5.134 seconds.

Navi: ... WHOAKAY THEN! The third challenge is the infamous, deadly "CHALLENGE OF MOVING THE FREAKY SUN WITH BIG TEETH"!

Link: You mean this one? [gestures to one of the blocks that he is standing on]

Navi: Yes! That one! You must move it into the sunlight coming in through-

Link: THAT window? Done.

Navi: ... You lie.

Link: I'm done. [is leaning against the block, which is, in fact, in the sun]

Navi: ... This can't be happening.

Link: [filing his nails] Maybe you just can't admit that I'm such an amazing hero now that I don't need you and your stupid mystical advice. [blows on his nails, then grins and points at the door into the next room] Hey look! The door is open! WHEE, LET'S GO!

Navi: [looks at the map incredulously] The map says it's THE LEGENDARY-

Link: It was obviously printed before any Truth in Advertising laws went into effect.

Navi: [sighs deeply] Ugh... Okay... Let's go.

(Scene: The first Iron Knuckle room! GAASP! The Spirit Temple Theme [the real one] plays in the background as Link and Navi stroll in, eyeing the great metal behemoth in front of them in awe.)

Link and Navi: AWWEEEE.



Navi: [whispers] That's about the fourth time the author has used that awe-ful joke.

[PA-DUM, CHIII! (rimshot)]

Link: [tilts his little head at the monster, sitting docilely at the far end of the room] Wow... Navi, what is it?

Navi: Looks like a big giant iron statue.

Link: ... Just... a statue?

Navi: Of course not! You probably have to touch it.

Link: Why?!

Navi: In every temple like this there is a statue that you should, by no means, ever touch, or else it'll spring to life and invoke some sort of horrible ancient wrath on you.

Link: And you WANT me to touch it?

Navi: Yeah, sure. Why not?

Link: What about the horrible ancient wrath?

Navi: Aww, those legends are all talk anyway! The only thing ancient people could do to invoke wrath is really lame things, like spring-loaded rabid ferrets in a secret compartment, or releasing a swarm of vicious killer bees whose stingers have been dipped in venom...

Link: [gulps] That sounds pretty bad to me.

Navi: [going on] ... Or time-release pressurized acid that would splash out and melt your face off... or the germs of some ancient plague that would turn you into a raging cannibalistic zombie...

Link: [turns around and walks away, leaving Navi to brainstorm]

Navi: ... Or one of those ever-so-popular cursed people who will bring about the apocalypse, suck off all the body parts of the guys who touched the statue and attempt a human sacrifice of the hero's girlfriend at least once... Damn, Link, that would mean it'd kill like, half the women in Hyrule! Anyway, it might also awaken one of those flesh-eating mutant demon madmen that are in all those slasher movies... or Princess Ruto... or... [sees that Link is on his way out] HEY!! Where d'ya think YOU'RE GOING?!

Link: [about to head out the back door] I don't feel like invoking wrath today, thanks.

Navi: Oh no ya don't! [buzzes over and drags him back] You're the hero, you HAVE to invoke wrath every once and a while!

Link: I DON'T WANNA BE EATEN BY FERRETS!



Navi: [thinks for a moment] Well, you could run away, I guess... then you'd invoke Nabooru's wrath when you explain to her why you don't have the gauntlet-

[Before Navi can finish her sentence, Link is standing in front of the Iron Knuckle, kicking it in the shin repeatedly]

Link: WAKE! UP! WAKE! UP! WAKE! UP! INVOKE! WRATH! INVOKE! WRATH! INVOKE! WRATH!

Iron Knuckle: GRRRGGGHHH!

[There is a loud creaky noise, and the Iron Knuckle stands up, waving its tremendous axe up in the air and very nearly missing splitting Link in two. Link screams and leaps backwards, whipping out his sword and preparing for the thrashing of a lifetime]

Navi: YOW! IT'S AN IRON KNUCKLE!

Link: A WHAT?!

Navi: An IRON KNUCKLE! Watch out for that axe, it hurts a lot!

Link: [glances at the audience] ... Really.

[Link backs away from the Iron Knuckle and expects to be chased... but something's wrong. The Iron Knuckle is still standing there, with its axe over its head, preparing to smash Link into oblivion... but never moving.]

[Five minutes of silence pass. Finally, Link walks bravely over to the Iron Knuckle and bangs on it with his fist]

Link: Where's the wrath?

Navi: [flutters over to the Iron Knuckle and yells in its ear] HEEEEY! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Iron Knuckle: [murmuring] EEEERRGGGNNN!

Navi: [turns to Link, gesturing to the IK] It's rusted.

Link: ... RUSTED?

Navi: Hey, you try holding perfectly still for seven centuries and see how well you move.

Link: ... The great temple guardian of the Silver Gauntlets is rusty? How shockingly anticlimactic. And unimpressive.

Iron Knuckle: EERRRGGGHHNNN!

Navi: It said, "Oil".

Link: You speak Rust?

Navi: I'm fluent in four different dialects of it!

Link: Okay... um... oil... [spots an oil can sitting on the throne where the IK had been] Here we go.

Navi: Do its face first.

[Link squirts some oil onto the Iron Knuckle's mouth and helmet jaw.]

Iron Knuckle: Er... erm... AAAAHHH... Oh, that's so much better!

Link: It talks!

Iron Knuckle: Of course I talk! I'm not an IT, either! I used to be a Gerudo, you little punk!

Link: Holy crap... what happened to you?

Iron Knuckle: Invoked wrath.

Link: [eyes Navi]

Navi: Um... Just... finish oiling her.

[Link finishes oiling the Iron Knuckle, and she (?) starts to walk around, while Link stands back]

Iron Knuckle: Oh, it feels wonderful to be moving again... mmm, after seven whole centuries of imprisonment in this rotten temple! Thank you so much, little intruder boy!

Link: [not really sure what's going on] Yeah, su-

[Link is interrupted as the Iron Knuckle bursts into a short musical number. Poll Question: How many of you knew this was coming because you too, have seen The Wizard of Oz 600 or so times?]

Iron Knuckle: [to "If I Only Had A Heart" from The Wizard of Oz]
I've been sitting here for ages!
Through a couple rounds of Sages!
Of this place, I am a part... [little flute melody]
I used to be a woman
But they trapped me inside a can
If they only had a heart!
So I rusted and I froze there
Unable to brush my hair
Unable to depart...
Now I must guard the gauntlets
Forever, I'll be dauntless
If I only had a heart...

OH IIII... COULD TELL YOU WHYYYY-



Link: [interrupts her, the music fizzles out] So, um... you're guarding the Silver Gauntlets, I take it?

Iron Knuckle: [turns to him] Oh, yes. Those things. Yeah, I am.

Link: So... uh... I don't suppose you'd let me take them?

Iron Knuckle: Well, sure I'd- [pauses] Take them? What?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU CAN'T TAKE THE LEGENDARY TREASURE OF THE GERUDO!

Link: [incredulous] BUT I OILED YOU!

Iron Knuckle: So you did, and I'm very grateful... but I must request that you leave right now before I have to give you the chop. [gestures to her axe]

Link: Well, I'm sorry, Miss Scary Iron Knuckle Lady, but I need those gauntlets. Please try to understand!

Iron Knuckle: [charges, with her axe drawn] IF I ONLY HAD A HEART!

Link: DRAT. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!

[Link and the Iron Knuckle speed around in circles for a while, and finally, Link fights her like a man. He deals the final blow, and the Iron Knuckle collapses to her knees.]

Iron Knuckle: NO! I'VE FAILED!

Navi: But now you're free!

Iron Knuckle: ... Oh yeah. BUT I LOSE MY EMPLOYEE BENEFITS!

Link: What benefits could you possibly get sitting inside a dark, dusty temple for 700 years?!

Iron Knuckle: [as she burns up and vanishes] TAX EXEMPTION! ARRGGHH! [die]

[Navi sighs deeply, and points at the door that has just opened behind the throne]

Navi: Link, we did it! Now the gauntlets are OURS!

Link: [sitting in the throne, perfectly still]

Navi: What are you doing?

Link: Getting tax exemption.

Navi: Ohhhh no ya don't. Your current job has plenty of benefits.

Link: Like WHAT?! Hormonal issues, time travel, a constant parade of vicious monsters trying to kill me?

Navi: What about the weapons?

Link: [changes his mind instantly, leaps out of the throne] TO THE GAUNTLETS!

(Scene: Out the door in the back, Link and Navi suddenly find themselves outside the Spirit Temple, in one of the hands of the Colossus. Did anyone else think that that was really, really cool design? GOOD JOB GAME DESIGNERS! Bad job saving it until the very last temple!)

Link: Well, pretty good day so far, Navi! Got the temple finished in 26 pages, met a bee-yoo-ti-ful chick and got to see her... CLOSE UP. And we got to awaken an ancient statue without invoking any wrath whatsoever!

Navi: It has been a pretty good day!

Link: Now, to the treasure chest where-

Mysterious, Extremely Scary Voice: HOOT.

Link: [face pales, he looks up and screams in utter terror] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Navi: [clutches onto Link's hat] NOO! NOT YOU! NOT YOU, ANYBODY BUT YOU!!!

Link: IT'S THE WRATH NAVI, THE WRATH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH-

Psycho Music: REEE! REEEE! REEEE! REEEEEE! REEEE! REEEEE! REEEEE! REEEEE!

[Thunder crashes, lightning flashes, and sitting atop the treasure chest is that wretched tutorial, that irritating super-menace, that owl from the depths of Nintendo character hell, KAEPORA GAEBORA! [thunder and lightning] BACK! HERE! AFTER ABOUT 14 WHOLE CHAPTERS WITHOUT HIM!]

Kaepora Gaebora: HOOT!
[singing, to his own theme song]
Hello Link
It's really been a long time
Almost since chapter 10 now I think about it
I just thought
That you might want to see me
One more time before I go baaack to hell.
It's the fault
Of that dumb Sheikah ninja
He is so sexy and he's so not annoying
He just stole
My job right out from under
Me and I swear that I will ge-e-e-et revenge...

Link: [on his knees, sobbing, clutching Navi close to him]

Kaepora Gaebora:
Time for me to say something inspiring
The end of the game is nigh...
I see that you have become a great hero
Much, much better than I...
I didn't think that you would ever make it
After all, you're a dork.
But you have proved me wrong with your courage
Here, my boy, have a spork! [presents him with a plastic spork]

Link: GO AWAY... JUST... PLEASE... GO AWAY...

Kaepora Gaebora:
Before I
Crawl back to where I came from
I thought I'd be nice and give you some good advice
This temple is guarded by two witches
Who are butt ugly, even more than me
One is ice
And one of them is fire
Turn their powers back on each other, you'll see...
Well Link I guess this is the time where I
Fly off to the sunset now!
You're on your own, but I'll always be watching!
Does that scare you?

Link: [adds in]
AND HOW!

Kaepora Gaebora:
And one last time...
HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOOOOOOOOO!

[The Owl from Hell takes off and flies away into the desert sunset. Link and Navi cry tears of joy as they watch him go.]

Link: I'm so happy he's gone forever...

Navi: Me too, Link... me too.

Link: [jumps up, immediately recovered, whips open the treasure chest and reaches inside] OOOOOH, SHINY!

[He pulls out the Silver Gauntlets which are, in fact, very shiny and cool. He grins and holds them up to the light]

Link: Sweeeeeeet.

Navi: But remember, Link, you promised to give them to Nabooru.

Link: Now she'll be SURE to love me!

Navi: [now used to it] Mmm.

Sudden Scream from the Distance: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Link: OH NO! A SUDDEN SCREAM FROM THE DISTANCE!

Navi: Who was that?!

Nabooru: [screaming from down below] GET OFF ME, YOU HAGS!

Link: IT'S NABOORU! SHE'S IN TROUBLE!

[Link skids out to the edge of the giant hand, staring down at the ground below. Nabooru is down there, being assaulted by two monstrously ugly green witches on brooms. One of them is in red, one is in blue! It's Koume (red) and Kotake (blue) of course!]

Koume: SURRENDER, FOOLISH GIRL! HEE HEE HEE!

Kotake: We'll get you sooner or later! HO HO HO!

Nabooru: WWWWWWWWWWAAAIIIYAAAAH!

[As Koume and Kotake swoop in to attack Nabooru, she fends them off admirably with some amazing martial arts skills, punching and whacking and kicking and beating them off quite coolly.]

Nabooru: FACE THE WRATH OF MY GERUDO SKILLZ, BEE-YOTCHES! WAAIYAA! HOOOOCHYA! TAKE THAT! WAAAAAH!

Link: [glances at Navi] She's good.

Navi: Link, you have to help her! She can't hold them off forever!

Nabooru: [checks her manicure as she backhands Koume and triple roundhouses Kotake]

Koume: OUCH!

Kotake: COME EASILY AND WE WON'T- [kicked] AIEEEE!

Link: [eyes Navi] ... Are you sure about that?

Navi: JUST HELP HER!

Link: Oh, FINE. [yelling] HEEEEEY NABOORU!

Nabooru: [looks up and sees him, still beating off the witches] HEEEEY WHAT?

Link: I GOT THE GAUNTLETS!

Nabooru: [can't hear him for the shrill screaming of the witches] The WHAT?!

Link: [louder] THE GAAAAUNTLETS!

Nabooru: [still can't hear as she throws both fists back and whacks away both witches, Bruce Lee style] WHAAAAT?!

Link: [holds them up to the light] THE SILVER GAUNTLETS!

[In a freak stroke of light refraction, the light reflecting off the gauntlets gets right in Nabooru's eyes, temporarily blinding her. She flinches and covers her eyes]

Nabooru: OW! DAMN, THAT'S BRIGHT! WHY DIDN'T YOU-

[While she is distracted, both witches take the opportunity to strike and materialize shovels out of thin air, giving Nabooru the old El-Kabong.]

Sound FX: EL KABONG!

Nabooru: [flops to the ground like a sack of wet mice, face down in the sand with two big lumps on her head]

Link: [blinks] Oops.

Koume: JEEZ! [snaps her fingers, the shovel disappears] What an annoying girl!

Kotake: [also makes her shovel disappear] Took us 10 minutes over our average to get her!

Koume: [claps her hands together in determination] Let's go, Kotake.

Kotake: [nods officially] Oh, okay Koume.

[Both witches fly in a circle around Nabooru, and the sand below her starts to glow purple and swirl around. Nabooru sits up as she is sucked into the sand.]

Nabooru: AH! LINK!

Link: [still up top] YES?!

Nabooru: FORGET THE GAUNTLETS! GET OUT OF HERE! THESE WITCHES ARE USING THEIR BLACK MAGIC ON ME! AAAIEEEEE-

[There is a loud POP noise as Nabooru vanishes beneath the sand, except for her hand, poking out and struggling frantically. Finally, it stops moving and is sucked down with the rest of her.]

Link: NABOO-

Navi: [clamps over his mouth] SHHH! DON'T LET THE WITCHES KNOW WE'RE UP HERE!

Link: [squirming with big terrified teary eyes] MPPHHFLGHPHHHPGMHMHHHPHH!

Navi: [whispers] What?

Link: THEY CAN'T HAVE HER! I LOVE HER!

[Navi smacks him to shut him up, and the two of them watch the witches do a very elaborate high-fiving gesture before flying back into the temple]

Link: NAAABOOORUUUU!

[Once the witches are gone, Link does a wild kamikaze leap down and into the sand. He scrambles forward to the spot where Nabooru had been (indicated by the eye shadow stains on the sand where she face planted). He frantically starts digging]

Link: HANG ON NABBY-BABY!

Navi: She's gone, Link... the witches took her! [snaps her fingers] Of course! Link, that's what happened to make Nabooru evil! The witches capture her five seconds ago, and then they're gonna brainwash her! So then, in the future, she'll be evil!

Link: [six feet deep in the sand] I FOUND A GERUDO EARRING! [tosses a ruby gemstone the size of a soccer ball out of his hole] IT MUST HAVE BELONGED TO HER!

Navi: [flutters down] Link, calm down.

Link: [pops out of the hole with bloodshot eyes and sand all over] I AM CALM!

Navi: [smacks him] PLEASE! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!

Link: [blubbers]

Navi: Don't you get it? Link, we can't do anything for Nabooru now... we have to go to the future and use the Silver Gauntlets to bust into the other side of the temple!

Link: AND SAVE NABOORU!

Navi: And awaken the Sixth Sage!

Link: [scrambles out of the hole] COME ON NAVI! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Chorus Singers:
LEEEET'S DOOOO THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP AGAIN!

[Link plays the Prelude of Light and grins at the camera]

Link: Get a good look at me, ladies! This is the last time you'll see me as a child until the finale!

Navi: I actually think the ladies are going to be HAPPY about that.

Link: HEY!

[They vanish in a whoosh of yellow light.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
SEVEN YEARS PASSED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The Desert Colossus. All is quiet. The wind blows, desert birds call across the scenery, and the Colossus is... colossal. Suddenly, there is a small flash of orange light in the sky)

Link: [voice sounds distant] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Like a streaking orange comet, ADULT Link goes rocketing downwards and RIGHT TOWARDS the Colossus, screaming with an interesting Doppler effect]

Link: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Then there is a tremendous explosion of sand.]

Link: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- OOOOOF! [thousands of little crackling sounds like bullets popping]

[Once again, all is still.]

[Navi appears from the sand, shaking herself off. She glances down and pokes a bit of green fabric sticking up out of the sand.]

Navi: Did that work this time?

Link: [grunts, then sits up, wrapped from head to toe in bubble wrap] Yeah! I feel great! No sand in my butt crack either!

Navi: Good thinking, using the Bubble Wrap of Time!

Link: [pulls out a pair of scissors and starts cutting the bubble wrap off of him] I KNEW it would come in handy!

Navi: Now, come on! Back into that temple, and we'll rescue the girl of your dreams!

Link: ... Zelda's in there?

Navi: ... Right. ANYWAY! TEMPLE AHOY!

Link: First though, I must apply my new toys to my hands!

[Link pulls out the Silver Gauntlets and slips them onto his hands, adding a nice sparkly silver sheen to his wardrobe.]

Navi: Very fancy.

Link: Thank you! NOW ONWARDS!

(Scene: Back in the first room of the Spirit Temple. Things look much different... falling down, crumbling, dusty... yuck.)

Link: Now! [standing in front of the big giant silver block on the right side of the temple] To move this giant roadblock and venture further into the temple to save my dear beloved!

Navi: Nabooru?

Link: MALON!

Navi: Malon's not in there!

Link: ... Then who is?

Navi: Nabooru.

Link: ... MY DEAR BELOVED NABOORU! YAARGH!

[Link throws himself against the block and starts pushing on it as hard as he can. Absolutely nothing happens.]

Link: HRRG... GRRN... URK... ERRRGGGG... GRRRRNNN... CHE...

Navi: ... What are you doing?

Link: AERRGH... GGNNN... URRRK... ERRGGGG... CHEE...

Navi: They're not WORKING!?

Link: [stops, panting heavily] UUUHHH...

Navi: Are they ON?

Link: [glances at the on switch of the gauntlets] ... Oh. [turns them on]

Navi: Oh BROTHER.

Link: HIYAA! [he pushes the block barely for a second and it goes flying, all the way through the hallway, completely missing the drop hole and sending it crashing through the wall in the room PAST the hall.]

[Link and Navi run forward, jump over the drop hole, and eye the big hole in the wall and the carcasses of several monsters that were caught in the path of the block]

Link: ... Hey. Nifty shortcut!

Navi: Let's go!

(Scene: In that blatantly lazy attempt to blaze through the temple, Link has arrived at the room where you climb up the wall and then have to rotate the mirror.)

Link: Okay! [examines the room] Four suns on the wall, one ray of light, and one large rotational mirror. I'm guessing I have to pick which sun is the right one and shine light on it!

Navi: ... [pauses] Link...?

Link: [about to turn the mirror] Yes?

Navi: There's something in here with us.

Link: [whips his head around] I don't see anything.

Navi: [turns pale] ER... ER... LINK... [sweating]

Link: What? Navi, quit looking at me like that... what is it? You're making it think there's something behind m-

[Suddenly, Link is lifted into the air, squeezed very hard, and dragged around the room by something she can't see.]

Link: AAAAGGGHHH! AAAH, IT'S GROPING ME! AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! WHAT IS IT, WHAT IS IT, WHAT IS IT?!

Navi: USE THE LENS OF TRUTH!

Link: AAGGGHHH! [he whips out the Lens and gazes through it] ... OH SWEET FARORE! NOOOOO!

Navi: What is it?!

Link: IT'S A GIANT INVISIBLE GROPING ZOMBIE HAND!

Navi: A GROPING ZOMBIE HAND!

Link: AAAAAAGGGGH!

[Link is being whipped about, slammed into walls, squashed into the floor and squeezed in what we can only assume is some very uncomfortable places]

Link: LET GO OF ME! GET IT OFF ME! AAGGGH GET IT OFF ME PLEEEEEEAAASE! THIS IS A STEP DOWN FROM THOSE RAPING ZOMBIES! AIEEEEEE! UNWANTED TOUCHING, UNWANTED TOUCHING! MR. SAFETY TREE SAYS I CAN SAY NO! AAAAHH!

Navi: Well don't just float there and be a victim! KILL IT!

Link: AAAAAHHH! [pulls out his bow and loads up a Fire Arrow] EAT THIS YOU STUPID GROPEY GROPER!

[Link fires the arrow, and the big invisible hand ignites into flame and makes a howling noise... It's a hand, how in the hell does it make noise?! Well anyway, it drops Link and crawls off into a corner to die]

Link: PHEW. [stands up and shudders] That was nasty...

Navi: LIIINK!

Link: WHAT!?

[Suddenly, Link is knocked to the floor by three little bitty baby invisible groping zombie hands! Awww!]

Link: AAAH! AAAH! IT TICKLES! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! GET 'EM OFF ME! AAAAAAHHH!

Navi: [buzzing around spastically] KILL 'EM, KILL 'EM, KILL 'EM, YOU NUTBAR!

Link: [one by one, picking off the little hands and stepping on them] DIE! DIE! AAAHHHH!

[Finally, Link frees himself from the tiny touchy terrors and gets his chance to rotate the mirror. He luckily chooses the right sun, and the door at the far end of the room opens.]

Link: UHHHH. That was AWFUL! What a nasty puzzle!

Navi: Let's get going before another one of those nasty hand monsters comes after you.

Link: PHEW...

[Unfortunately, as he walks through the stream of light on his way to the door, his belt buckle reflects some sunlight onto one of the other suns, and...]

Mysterious Noise: WHOOOOOOSH...

Link: [glances down at a shadow appearing between his legs] ... Oh GOD.

[Suddenly Link is knocked to the ground and squeezed]

Link: AAGGGH! NOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! PLEASE! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-

Navi: LIIINK!

[Link is pulled up towards the ceiling and everything goes black]

(Scene: Back in the first room of the Spirit Temple.)

Link: [opens his eyes, pushes himself off the floor] ... AAAAAAAH NOOOO! I'M BACK AT THE BEGINNING! STUPID GIANT HAND THINGY!

Navi: [flies down after him] WHEW... Awww, this sucks! At least it didn't carry you away and eat you!

Link: [grumbling under his breath, stomps back over to the right hallway]

[Link arrives back in that room, where the giant hand that had tormented him so a moment ago is back, crawling around in its invisible glory.]

Link: [points his sword at it] YOU! DAMN YOU! IT'S TIME TO DIE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH-

[Five minutes later, Link is back at the entrance]

Navi: ... Maybe you ought to think of a new strategy besides-

Link: AAGGGH! [speeds back through the temple, back to the same room] STUPID HAND! I'LL KEEEL YOU!

[Five minutes later, Link is back at the entrance]

Link: [sobbing] AAAAAAGGGGH!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Navi: Link, really, maybe you should think this through before-

[Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Get a snack. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Potty break. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.]

[Finally, Link reappears in the sun mirror room, a maniacal grin on his face and his fists clenched at his sides]

Link: Come here, HAND.

Navi: [zips up after him] Link, what in the hell are you doing?!

Link: I'm going to make a certain hand pay for what it has done to me sixty or so times over...

Navi: Mind if I ask how?

Link: Certainly. [he opens up his tunic to reveal that he is strapped to at least 25 lit bombs and Bombchus]

Navi: [double-takes] ... ARE YOU INSANE?!!?!?!

Link: VERY!

[Link is lifted up into the air as the hand grabs onto him and he laughs maniacally]

Link: YOU'N ME ARE GOIN' DOWN, HAAAAND! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: LINK, NO-

[Suddenly, there is a tremendous explosion and Link drops to the ground in a burned, charred, smoking heap, and big chunks of gropey hand meat (Ground beef, for special effects' sake) go flying everywhere, plastering the room and audience with disgusting chunks o' monster]

Audience: [removing ground beef from themselves] EWWWWWWW!

Navi: Who says this musical isn't interactive?

Iron (Knuckle) Chef Hyrule: [in one of the aisles, with a hibachi out, reaches up and catches some of the ground beef in a baseball glove and flops it down on the grill in preparation for the post-musical barbecue.] HAI!

Navi: Heeeeyyyyy Eugene, can't WAIT! [winks at ICH]

Iron (Knuckle) Chef Hyrule: HAI! [cooks]

Navi: Um... now wasn't there something I was... oh... OH WAIT! MY GOD! [flies down near Link] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?! LINK! LIIIINK! SPEAK TO ME BUDDY, SPEAK TO ME! PLEASE!

Link: [sniffs, eyes flutter open] ... What happened?

Navi: That was THE STUPIDEST THING I have EVER SEEN YOU DO!

Link: [blinks] Oh, yeah... you've only known me since I was 10.

Navi: ... holy COW. I don't EVEN want to know what you did before then.

Link: Let's just say I was young, curious, and there were lots of sharp things around.

Navi: ...

Link: That's how I got this. [he rolls over and pulls down his tights, revealing a large scar that reads "LINK WUZ HEER" on his left buttcheek.]

Fangirls: [die]

Navi: ... How in the heck did you do that? ... Ugh, okay, you know what, it doesn't matter. What matters is you! Are you okay? Can you finish the temple?

Link: Well... maybe if I... [gets a big silly grin]

Navi: ... Oh no.

(Scene: Outside, in the little oasis thingy again, bright neon lights are flashing and Link is having his hair washed by a selection of beautiful women, with bright music playing in the background)

Link:
I'VE GOT THE URGE!

Women:
HE'S GOT THE UUUUUURGE TO HERBAL!

Navi: [off to the side, sighing deeply] Well... as long as he's okay.

Iron (Knuckle) Chef Hyrule: HAI! [now outside under a palm tree, barbecuing. He is joined by several other Iron Knuckles playing beach volleyball.]

Navi: ... For the love of the Goddesses, can we get on with it?

(Scene: Back inside the temple, in the Giant Snake Lady room again. Link does some exploring on the ledges on the side of the room, and has opened up the door to the next place already!)

Link: I OPENED THE DOOR! GOOD FOR ME!

Navi: Yes, Link! Good for you!

Link: And this is the last temple, Navi... I'm getting a bit nostalgic.

Navi: Me too! In fact... I think a song is in order.

Link: Indubitably!

[Slow, pleasant guitar chords start up and Link and Navi bob back and forth cheerfully. Why, it's "In My Life" by The Beatles! Great song!]

[Link and Navi enter the room with the thin pathways and the floating little snake things as Link sings.]

Link:
There are places I remember...
All my liiiiife
Though some have changed

Navi:
Some forever not for better
Some have gone... and some remain!

[Link and Navi drop to their knees and sing soulfully as the little snakey things surround them and hiss the background]

Link and Navi:
ALL THESE PLACES HAD THEIR MOMENTS...

Link: [images of the Sage's seals appear in the background]
With monsters and temples, I still can recall

Navi:
Some were hard and some were easy!

Link:
In myyyy life, I've loved them all!

[He sniffles and pauses only momentarily to unleash some nasty Fire Arrows to kill the snake dudes, then he dances carefully across the thin walkway]

Link:
But of all these ancient temples
There are no two that are the same
They all had their separate puzzles
Some were hard, and they hurt my brain...

Link and Navi:
THOUGH I KNOW WE SHOULDN'T GET TOO COCKY...

Link:
About all the Sages I've awakened and freed

Link and Navi:
WE'RE ALMOST DONE, IT'S TIME TO BE A LITTLE HAPPY...

Link:
Out of five, we've finished four!

[Link delicately dances to the instrumental across to the room on the right side, opening it and finding a whole bunch of Armos statues frozen around the switch to open the next door]

Link: Ha, I have a good idea!

Navi: What's that?

Link: [stands near the door and fires an arrow at the Armos on the far side, who comes to life]

Armos: GRRRGGNN!

[Link waits for the Armos to trip the switch, then he slips through the door and into another long room with columns on both sides]

Link: [continues singing]
THOUGH I KNOW I SHOULDN'T GET TOO COCKY...
About the Sages I've awakened and freed!
WE'RE ALMOST DONE, IT'S TIME TO BE A LITTLE HAPPY!
Out of five, I've finished four!

[The music slowly begins to fade, as Link decides to finish]

Link:
OUT OOOOOFFF FIVE...
I'VE FINISHED- [BONK] OW!

Iron Knuckle 2: ARRRGGGH!

Navi: AGGGH, LINK YOU IDIOT, PAY ATTENTION! YOU JUST INVOKED THE WRATH OF ANOTHER IRON KNUCKLE!

Link: DRAT! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! [he flees and runs around in circles]

Navi: DON'T BE STUPID! YOU HAVE THE BIGGY, NOW USE IT!

Link: ... Oh yeah. [he whips out the Biggy] GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Iron Knuckle 2: [freezes] GRERRNGGGNHHHN?

Link: HIIIYAAAAAA!

Iron Knuckle 2: GRRN! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGH! [flees and runs around in circles]

[One well choreographed fight later, Link is victorious and the IK falls!]

Link: HA! BOOYAH, TIN WOMAN!

[The Iron Knuckle vanishes, and the door behind the throne opens]

Link: Gee, Navi... I think we're about to find out what the second legendary treasure of the Gerudo race is!

Navi: Well, let's go! I bet it's cool!

(Scene: In the Colossus's other hand, where, thankfully, there is no mutant talking owl to harass us. A treasure chest appears, and Link very slowly opens it and peeks inside.)

Navi: No wrath in there, right?

Link: I don't think so... just something oh-so shiny.

Navi: Shiny is good! What is it?

[Triumphant music plays as Link whips out THE MIRROR SHIELD IN ALL ITS SHINY GLORY!]

Link: OOOOOH! Look how pretty, Navi! A new shield! And it's shiny! And mirrored!

Navi: All riiight! I bet you could reflect harmful magic and light back to where it came from with this!

Link: YOU MEAN... [eyes water] NO MORE ROTATING MIRRORS?!

Navi: NO MORE ROTATING MIRRORS!

Link: YAAAAAAAAYYY!! [he hugs the shield tight] And now I can check my hair whenever I want!

Navi: What a great treasure!

Link: Much better than those dumb Hover Boots.

(Scene: The Big Giant Wall of DEATTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH room. Link and Navi stand and float, respectively, staring up at it in awe.)

Link: I will not debase myself by doing that idiotic joke anymore.

Navi: ... wow.

Link: That is quite a Big Giant Wall of Deathhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Navi: Very impressive... Very deadly-looking.


Link: Man. I'd had to be the sucker who had to climb that.

Navi: [stares at him] What are you talking about? You ARE the sucker who has to climb that.

Link: Actually, I'm not!

Navi: You're not?

Link: NO! CHECK OUT MY LONGSHOTTING SKILLZ! [he whips out his Longshot, aims it at the very top panel, and catapults himself aaaaaaall the way up there to where he is clinging to the wall near the top, past all the killer spiders and spikes the size of his arm.]

Navi: ... [comes up after him] That was PATHETIC!

Link: What?

Navi: Why would they even bother putting a huge trap in here if a professional hero like you could whack past it in three seconds?!

Link: Because they're stupid. They also set up the so-called "Room of Three Challenges".

Navi: I should get a job designing temples. I'd actually be GOOD at it.

Link: ANYWAY! We're getting closer to Nabooru, I can feel it! LET'S HURRY UP NAVI!

(Scene: The rooms with the large network of mirrors. Link has finally set them all up so that the light shines down on the platform with the chains. He leaps down into the light and pulls out the Mirror Shield.)

Link: Ready, Navi?

Navi: Ready, Link.

Link: WE'RE COMING NAB! WOOOO! MIRROR SHIELD, ACTIVATE!

[Link aims his shield, glowing bright with light, at the sun on the wall off in the shadows. The light strikes it, and the sun grins maniacally and our heroes hear a loud CLANK.]

Link: ... What was that?

Navi: Gee. Sounded like a chain coming unlocked from its-

[At that second, the platform gives way and Link and Navi are sent PLUMMETING DOWNWARDS IN A VIOLENT FREEFALL THROUGH THE CEILING AND INTO THE SNAKE LADY ROOM!]

Link and Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Link: WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Navi: Wait a minute... I can't fall, I'm a fairy! [she flies] I'M SAVED!

Link: NAAVVIIIIIIII! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CLANK!

[Navi flies down after him and finds him face-down on the platform, which is now hanging up in the snake lady room, right in front of her face with the light still shining down.]

Navi: Hey, you okay?

Link: [reaches up and squeezes her in his fist] HOW DARE YOU ABANDON ME!

Navi: ACK! I WAS KIDDING!

Link: KIDDING, WERE YOU?! YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!

Navi: The chains were still attached, stupid, you weren't going to DIE!

Link: ... [pauses] [resumes] IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING! [chokes Navi]

Navi: AIEEE! NABOORU, WE'RE COMING!

Link: Ah! Nabooru, that's RIGHT! LET'S GO, NAVI!

[Link aims his Mirror Shield and the snake lady's face erodes away.]

Navi: That's what happens if you get too much plastic surgery, kids.

Link: Now to longshot inside...

(Scene: Meanwhile, we'll catch up with what's going on in the first Boss Room. Seated in a throne at the far end of the room is an unusual Iron Knuckle, who is much bigger than the other two were. Koume and Kotake sit in small throne on both sides of it.)

Koume: [sighs heavily] Oh, I'm BORED, Kotake!

Kotake: Relax, Koume.

Koume: That little punk Hero of Time that Lord Ganondorf told us about should be here soon.

Kotake: That he will.

Koume: Coming to rescue the girl, is he? Hee hee hee...

Kotake: And to awaken the Sage, he is. Ho ho ho...

Koume: Do you think he'll find our odd pattern of speech annoying, Kotake? Hee hee hee...

Kotake: I'm certain he will, Koume. Ho ho ho...

Koume: We'll deal with him easily, Kotake.

Kotake: That we will, Koume.

Koume: Our loyal minion will make short work of him.

Kotake: That she will.

Koume: Can we not speak in more than one sentence per line, Kotake?

Kotake: We may not, Koume.

Koume: That's what makes us so annoying, Kotake! HEE HEE HEE!

Kotake: Indeed, Koume! HO HO HO!

Koume: But before he gets here... what do you say we practice a musical number for him, Kotake?

Kotake: It is what we're best at, being former Gerudos, Koume.

Koume: I'll get it started. [clears her throat and kicks the Iron Knuckle] WAKE UP, STUPID!

Iron Knuckle: [low, deep voice] I am awakened, Mistress 1...

Kotake: Time for a musical number, minion!

Iron Knuckle: I shall do my best, Mistress 2.

Kotake: ... Mistress 2? Why am I Mistress 2? I should be Mistress 1!

Koume: It doesn't matter, Kotake. Hee hee hee.

Kotake: [points at her] KNOCK OFF THE DAMN LAUGHING, KOUME! It does TOO matter! IT MATTERS TO ME!

Koume: It's not that big of a deal, Kotake!

Kotake: IT IS TO ME, KOUME!!!! I'M OLDER!

Koume: You are not EITHER older. We're twins, stupid!

Kotake: I COME FIRST IN THE ALPHABET, KOUME! AAIEEE!

Koume: IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT MUCH, KOTAKE! AAIEEE!

[She leaps upon her sister in fury, and the two of them have it out around the throne. As they fight, beautiful orchestrations play in the background as the Iron Knuckle rises to its feet and sings in a beautiful woman's voice, still under orders to perform.]

Iron Knuckle: [singing to "I Want To Break Free" by Queen]
I want to break free!
I want to break free!
I want to break free of your lies and this iron disguise, I don't neeeeed it!
I've got to break free...
[drops to its knees (though I'm sure we know who it is)]
Din knows...
Din knows I want to break free!

[She pauses, and we can briefly hear the twins beating the snot out of each other in the background]

Iron Knuckle: [the stage darkens and orange spotlights shine on her]
I'm brainwashed and numb!
I'm brainwashed and numb, can't remember, can't make my decisions or feeeeel...
I'm brainwashed and numb...
Din knows!
Din knows I'm brainwashed and numb!

[Koume and Kotake stop their fighting and listen for a moment]

Koume: Oh, we trained her well, Kotake!

Kotake: Indeed we did, Koume!

Koume: Oooh, it's time for the bridge! HEE HEE HEE!

Kotake: Do you really think we should allow her to sing songs about seeking her freedom? HO HO HO!

Koume: Eh, what's the harm, Kotake?

Kotake: I suppose you're right, Koume.

Iron Knuckle: [sings the bridge, really belting it out]
It's strange but it's true... Yeah.
Can't control myself, I only obey you two
But someday, I am sure, I'm gonna punt out that door!
OH HOW I WANT TO BE FREE... YEAH.
OH HOW I WANT TO BE FREEEEE...
OHHHHHH HOW I WANT TO BREAAAAK FREEEEE!

[Koume and Kotake bob back and forth and play electric guitar on their brooms as the Iron Knuckle does a dance number, swinging around the columns in the room and being very graceful for a 1000 pound hunk of metal. Finally, the instrumental ends and the Iron Knuckle drops to her knees, making very dramatic hand gestures.]

Iron Knuckle:
My memories are gone!
I only live for orders they give, orders they give, orders they give me...
I've no heart...
AND I FEEL SO REAL ALO-OO-OWWWNNE!
DIN KNOWS!
I've got to wake up on my own!
So witches, can't you see?
I've got to break free!

Koume: [casts a spell on the Iron Knuckle to force her to sit down again] Nope.

Kotake: [um... ditto!] Sorry, sweetie, we need you a bit longer!

Iron Knuckle:
I'VE GOT TO BREEAAAAAK FREEEEEEEE!
I want to break freeeeeeeeee...
I want, I want, I want, I want to breaaaaaak freeeeeeeeee...

[Silence invades the lonely first boss room. Koume and Kotake glance back and forth from one to the other and nod in agreement.]

Both: We good.

[All of a sudden, the door at the far end of the room BURSTS open and Link appears, having kicked it in. The Master Sword is in one hand, the Mirror Shield in the other, and Navi floats helpfully over his shoulder.]

Link: [screaming triumphantly] HIIIIIIDE THE BEER! LINK IS HERE!!

Navi: WOOOOOT! HERIZZLE OF TIME IN THE HIZZ-OUSE, BIZZATCHES!

Koume and Kotake: [whip around] ARE YOU FO RIZZLE?!

Link: [points his sword at the two witches] SERI-IZZLE, MAH WIZZLES!

Koume: [points at Link viciously] LET'S SHIZZLE HIS NIZZLE, KOTIZZLE!

Kotake: [also does] FO RIZZLE, KOUMIZZLE!

(A/N: I am so sorry about all the idiotic gangsta slang in this chapter... it just happened. I think it's moronic, and thus, funny! ^_^;;;)

[Suddenly, a series of big thick books come flying in from offstage, whacking Link, Koume and Kotake in the heads. All three of them are knocked to the ground. A few moments later, they sit up, pick up the books and examine them.]

Link: The script...?

Koume: Bookmarked page, Kotake.

Kotake: Let's read it, Koume.

[All three of them take a moment to read the scripts, then they restart the scene, grumbling about how the director knows no creativity. Link stands up and shuffles out of the room again, mumbling his apologies to the stage crew. Koume and Kotake stand on both sides of the throne, facing away from the door]

[The door whips open and Link steps inside]

Link: [reading off his script] um... "Awed Silence"!

Navi: [hissing] THAT'S THE BLOCKING, YOU IDIOT!

Link: Oh. Then what's my line?!

Navi: YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, JUST PAY ATTENTION!

Link: Sorry, sorry!

[The lighting in the room dims, and Koume and Kotake's theme song starts up in the background.]

Koume: Looks like there's someone here, Kotake.

Kotake: Looks like it, Koume.

Koume: [looks over her left shoulder] He is brave and courageous, Kotake.

Kotake: [looks over her right shoulder] Looks like it, Koume.

[The two witches turn around to look at Link, who has a look of sedate apathy plastered on his face. He suddenly grins and waves at them.]

Link: Hiya, hags.

Koume and Kotake: [gasp of outrage] GASP!

Koume: [points at him ferociously] You just try saying that again, meathead!


Kotake: [also points at him ferociously] We'll grind you up into headcheese, punk!

Link: Look, um... old scary green crusty witchy things. Nice long introduction, and it's nice to have a boss I can talk to after all this time, but... erm... can we just skip to the part where I kick your asses and get the girl?

[Koume and Kotake glance at each other and laugh]

Kotake: What an outrageous fellow he is to intrude so boldly into our temple. Ho ho ho!

Koume: And what a stupid fellow he is to ask us such a stupid and obvious question! Hee hee hee!

Link: It was a legitimate question! And I'm NOT stupid!

Kotake: You are stupid, boy! Why would you ask THE BOSSES if you could take their temple by force that easily?

Koume: And you must be stupid if you read your blocking lines out loud! Why, when Koume and I were your age...

Navi: [points at Koume] Wait... aren't YOU Koume?

Koume: ... er...

Kotake: [whacks her in the skull] Idiot.

Koume: [pouts, rubbing her head] Well, that doesn't mean anything! When we were your age, boy, we could recite all the Kings of Hyrule there had ever been, in order!

Link: But of course, there were only 3 or 4 of them back then.

[Both witches double-take]

Kotake: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO US LIKE THAT?!

Koume: WE'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON, KOTAKE!

Kotake: OF COURSE WE WILL, KOUME!

Link: BRING IT ON, SAGGY HAGGY BAGGYS!

Navi: ... WHERE are you getting these insults?

Link: I THINK THEM UP WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO SHEIK OR THE SAGES OR THE BOSSES! POOPER DOOPER TROOPER! WAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: ... [rolls eyes]

[Dramatic music interrupts the idiocy]

Koume: [whips her broom into position] IT'S ASS-KICKIN' TIME, KOTAKE!

Kotake: [also does] I SECOND THE MOTION, KOUME!

Link: BRING IT ON, WITCHIES!

Koume and Kotake: OKAAAAY! [both suddenly poking the Iron Knuckle, music fizzles out] HEY MINION, WAKE UP!

Iron Knuckle: I have awakened, Mistresses.

Koume and Kotake: [point at Link] KICK HIS ASS INTO GRASS! [they vanish in blue and red puffs of smoke]

Iron Knuckle: [stands up] It shall be done, Mistresses.

Link: [little girl scream] AAAAAAH!

[The Iron Knuckle stomps forward and Link steps back, realizing that the thing is at least twice his size... Or at least, it's supposed to be. I didn't think it was all that big and scary. Weird lookin', maybe.]

Link: NYAAAA-AA-AAAAAA!

Iron Knuckle: GRRRR- [suddenly raises her arms, realizing that she doesn't have an axe] ...?

Koume: ... DRAT IT!

Kotake: NOW WE LOOK LIKE IDIOTS!

Koume: WHOSE FAULT WAS THAT, KOTAKE?!

Kotake: PROBABLY YOURS, KOUME!

[The Iron Knuckle snaps her fingers and a tremendous axe appears in her hands. She stomps towards Link slowly and very scarily]

Navi: Come on, Link... It's no scarier than the other ones!

Link: BUT IT'S BIGGER!

Navi: Big deal!

Link: EXACTLY!

Navi: JUST STAB IT!

Link: AIEEE, OKAY!

[Link races forwards and skids to a halt, looking like he is about to slam his sword down on the Iron Knuckle in a jump attack...

Instead, he pauses and pokes it very gently.]

Iron Knuckle: GREARRRRGGGGGGGG-[voice cracks and is suddenly high]-AAAAGGGH!

Link: ... what the-

Navi: ... THAT'S NO MONSTER, LINK!

[Suddenly, the armor falls off of the Iron Knuckle piece by piece, clattering to the floor uselessly. Dramatic music plays as Nabooru (WOW THAT WAS PREDICTABLE!) collapses out from where the IK had been, falling to her knees and breathing heavily.]

Nabooru: UNNNHHHH...

Link: HOLY HOT CHICK IN A SUIT OF ARMOR! IT'S NABOORU!

Navi: [zooming around] Those witches must have turned her into an Iron Knuckle when they captured her seven years ago! THAT'S why all the Gerudo said she's evil and were scared of her!

Link: [faces Navi, snapping his fingers] OH! And all those stories about the Gerudo attempting to brainwash people out here... It wasn't Nabooru's fault, it's the fault of those two ugly wit- Not now, Nabooru, get off me!

[Nabooru has crawled over and grabbed Link by the leg, trying to use him as a support as she catches her breath. He kicks her off and she falls over, shivering on the ground.]

Navi: [going up and down excitedly] Which means that the Gerudo aren't bad people at all! They're all under the control of the witches Twinrova, who BRAINWASHED Nabooru, who influenced them to make them THINK that Ganondorf is a good king!

Link: [hopping up and down with her] WHICH MEANS THAT THEY'RE NOT ALL EVIL WOMEN AND I DO HAVE A CHANCE TO JOIN THEIR CULT AND BE WORSHIPPED ALL DAY AND SANG SONGS TO AND- Nabooru, GET OFF! [he shakes her off of his leg]

Navi: AND YA KNOW WHAT, LINK, YA KNOW WHAT?! I bet Nabooru is the Sage of Spirit because THEN Twinrova would have been killing two birds with one stone and they could stop us AND keep control of the Gerudos at the same time!

Link: WHAT BRILLIANCE! It's all so complicated but it makes sense now! That Ganondorf must be one major bastard to- Nabooru, COME OOOOON- AAAGH!

[Nabooru reaches up and grabs him by the collar, yanking him down and glaring at him]

Nabooru: I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR EPIPHANY, LINK, BUT I NEED MEDICAL AIDE! WHERE THE HELL AM I?!

Link: Um... Spirit Temple?

Nabooru: [falls over on her hands and knees and gasps for breath] I thought... I thought... I thought I was done for...

[Suddenly, in poofs of red and blue smoke, Koume and Kotake, respectively, appear floating on their brooms in midair. They cross their arms and glare at Nabooru evilly.]

Koume: Looks like she's woken up, Kotake.

Kotake: Looks like it, Koume.

Nabooru: [turns around, glares at the witches] Y-YOU! YOU TWO! YOU WRETCHED HAGS, HOW DARE YOU CAPTURE ME AND USE ME FOR YOUR PLOT FOR SEVEN YEARS?!

Koume: It was easy, we just imprisoned you inside a statue and washed out your mind. Hee hee hee.

Kotake: [grins at Koume] She may be just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudos. Ho ho ho.

Koume: [pulls back her arm and charges up a fireball] Whaddya say we keep her under our control for a little longer, Kotake?

Kotake: [ditto, but with an ice crystal] We'll just have to capture her and brainwash her again, Koume!

Nabooru: [leaps to her feet to run] NOOOO!

[Suddenly, everything turns into slow motion. Koume and Kotake release their spells right towards Nabooru, who is running as fast as she can towards the door. Link's eyes widen, then he screams.]

Link: [low, distorted voice] NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. . . [he leaps to take the spell in Nabooru's place]

Navi: [low, distorted voice] LLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!

[Time returns to normal. The spell hits Nabooru and she screams and vanishes in a burst of orange light. Link hits the floor with a thump and skids a bit, landing in a daze. The two witches cackle maniacally]

Koume: See you later, Hero Boy! HEE HEE HEE!

Kotake: Don't worry, you'll see the girl again... IN AN EVEN BIGGER STATUE! HO HO HO!

[The two witches vanish in puffs of color-coordinated smoke. Link lies on the floor and reaches up breathlessly, his eyes wide and sad]

Link: Nabooru... no... [hangs head] I have failed you...

Navi: [flies in, speaking very quietly] Hey, nice try, Link. But... um... next time you're trying to take a spell or an arrow or something in someone else's place...

Link: [sniffles] What?

Navi: [raises an eyebrow] Try jumping TOWARDS them, not AWAY from them.

Link: ... Meh. [points into the air triumphantly] A simple technicality!

Navi: You pushed her INTO the spell on your way to jump OUT of the way of it.

Link: ... MUST YOU ALWAYS DESTROY MY HEROISM?

Navi: [chuckles] Well, sorry, Link, but usually your "heroism" is actually an attempt to save your ass and keep you from doing any work.

Link: [leaps to his feet, triumphant music plays in the background as he yells] THAT WAS IN THE OLD DAYS, NAVI! THAT WAS BACK BEFORE I HAPHAZARDLY UNLEASHED A HORRIFYING WAVE OF DARKNESS ON THE WORLD IN MY BOYISH NAIVITY! THAT WAS BEFORE I BECAME THE HERO OF TIME!

Navi: [taken aback]

[The room darkens, the dramatic music picks up, and a spotlight shines on Link as he falls to his knees and makes a speech worthy of George W. Bush. Without all the made-up words.]

Link: I slept... for seven years. I missed out on seven years of my childhood... I'm a 17-year-old man [Navi coughs "BOY!"] with the mind of a 10-year-old... I woke up in a world where I had no grasp on what had happened, no grasp of the horrible goings-on I had missed... NO GRASP ON MYSELF! [he clutches his hands together and tears fill his eyes] I was reluctant to follow this destiny-

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYYYYYY!

Link: [not even distracted] - that had been laid out before me... But I did, hoping that I would find the answers... The path was strewn with perilous obstacles, death and danger! Friends, enemies, other colorful characters each added their different forks in the road, decisions to be made... AND I MADE IT THROUGH NAVI! I MADE IT THROUGH! I finally found the answer to that which I was seeking! WHO I AM, NAVI! I KNOW WHO I AM AT LAST!

[Big Hylian flags unfurl in the background and everything REALLY picks up dramatically. Link rises to his feet and speaks with tears in his eyes]

Link: MY NAME IS LINK! I AM A HYLIAN! I'M 5 FOOT 10, WITH BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES, AND I WEAR A GREEN TUNIC, TIGHTS AND A FUNKY HAT! AND I AM THE HERO OF TIME! THE HERO OF TIME, DO YOU HEAR ME, GANONDORF?! [he falls to his knees again and yells] THE HEEEERROOOO OF TIIIIIIIIME!!! AND NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND MY DESTINY-

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYY!

Link: ... I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN! IT WAS LIKE THAT VERY FIRST SONG I SANG ALL THOSE YEARS AGO... I HAVE BECOME SOMEBODY, NAVI! AND THAT SOMEBODY IS A SOMEBODY WHO WILL NOT LEAVE A FRIEND TO PERISH AT THE HANDS OF A PAIR OF REALLY NASTY OLD HAGS! I AM LINK SOMEBODY!

[The music decrescendos and Link, elated, with tears streaming down his face, turns back to see Navi, sitting there, staring at her charge with wide, shocked eyes.]

Navi: ... Link, that was incredible! That was so dramatic and convincing! I SMELL A TONY NOMINATION, LINK!

Link: [tosses his hair] THANK YOU. I also want Nabooru to keep her promise about making me a man.

[The music fizzles out roughly]

Navi: [twitches] ... eh??

Link: [already on his way through the door behind the throne] TO DESTINY, NAVI!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYYY!

(Scene: A wide, elaborately decorated room with a tall, wide platform and a lot of columns lining it on all four sides. Link climbs bravely up onto the platform and races to the center of it, glaring furiously at no one in particular. Navi catches up to him as he raises his sword)

Link: ALL RIGHT, KOUME AND KOTAKE, YOU UGLY, NASTY, GREEN-FACED, ICKY, MOTHBALL-SCENTED OLD GRANDMA LADIES!

Navi: Hey Link, maybe you should save the insult-spewing for once we know that they're NOT immediately behind us ready to kill us?

Link: YOU WRETCHED, SENILE, STONE-AGE SACKS OF CRAP! COME ON OUT WHERE I CAN SEE YOU KNITTING YOUR SWEATERS AND FEEDING PIGEONS IN THE PARK, YOU DISGUSTING HAGS!

[Suddenly, Link is whacked in the back of the head by two tremendous house loafers, one red and one blue. He falls to the ground, clutching his skull and whimpering, as voices ring out across the boss room.]

Koume and Kotake: WELL I- ... WE'D NEVER!

Koume: ROTTEN LITTLE BRAT, DIDN'T YOU EVER LEARN TO SPEAK WITH RESPECT TO YOUR ELDERS?!

Kotake: THE NERVE OF THAT KID, WALTZING IN HERE AND MAKING CRACKS ABOUT OUR AGE!

Koume: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YOU LITTLE BASTARD, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRANDCHILDREN!

Kotake: THE TWO OF US ARE SWINGING BACHELORETTES WITH A GROWN-UP CHILD!

Link: [sits up quickly, double-takes] ... Hang on. You old rats have a KID?!


Koume: ... Well, he's technically not OURS-

Kotake: WE WERE SURROGATE MOTHERS!

[Silence invades the room.]

Navi: ... You said "he".

Link: ... are you telling me... that you two... are THE SURROGATE MOTHERS... OF GANONDORF?!

Koume: That we are! We love our little Ganny-doodle, too!

Kotake: We'll defend him and his big crazy world-domination idea!

[The stage darkens, and a blue and a red symbol appear on opposite columns across the room. Twinrova's theme song plays loudly.]

Koume and Kotake: WE WILL PRESENT THE HERO OF TIME AS A SACRIFICE TO GANNY-DOODLE!

Koume: [appears from the red symbol dramatically] With my flame, I will burn him to the bone! [she whips around and her hair and broom burst into flames] HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

Kotake: [appears from the blue symbol, equally dramatically] With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul! [she whips around and her hair and broom freeze into ice] HO HO HO HO HO !

Koume and Kotake: [float up into the air on their brooms] WHADDYA SAY TO THAT, KIDDO?

[The twins' threat falls on deaf ears. Link and Navi are collapsed in the center of the stage, laughing hysterically and slapping their stomachs in mirth, tears running down their faces.]

Link: GANNY-DOODLE!!! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA-

Navi: HIS MOTHERS HAVE TO COME TO HIS RESCUE! WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-

Link: AHA! AHA! AHAHAHAHAHAA- I'M GONNA CALL HIM GANNY-DOODLE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM!

Navi: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA- WHADDYA BET THEY SHOW US BABY PICTURES OF HIM?! AAHAHAHAHAA-

Link: AAHAHAHAHA-

Koume and Kotake: SILENCE!

Link and Navi: [stop laughing, pay attention] EH?!

[The two witches fly around in a circle and perform some very nice formation flight, laughing maniacally]

Link: YOW!

Navi: [fwaps him] THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION! The Boss Battle has started without us!

Link: Wha... what boss battle?

Navi: YOU KNOW! It's-


TWINROVA: Sorceress Sisters


[A very uncharacteristic hip-hop beat plays in the background, and Koume and Kotake both don sunglasses, and Koume whips out a remote control.]

Koume: A little battling music, Kotake?

Kotake: Certainly, Koume.

[Koume clicks the button and suddenly, squeaky organ notes echo through the room. It sounds almost suspiciously like "Just the Two of Us" by Will Smith. Only... um... it's out of tune. ^_^;;]

Link: [holds his ears] What is that god-awful music?!

Kotake: Not god-awful!

Koume: This is our dear Ganny-doodle at his first organ recital!

Kotake: We tape recorded it and we use it for our battle music, don't we, Koume?

Koume: We certainly do, Kotake!

Navi: ... AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA-

Link: NAVI, HUSH!

Navi: [shuts up] Why?!

Link: [pale, wailing like a sissy man] Because this is the part where I might die.

Koume: WORD! [begins rapping... oh sweet cheese. @_@ a rapping 400-year-old woman.]
From the moment we heard Ganny say you had to go-

Kotake:
We knew you were nothin' but a cocky little hero!

Koume:
You didn't know what you were gonna get yourself into

Kotake:
So we did not think we would have to deal with you

Koume:
But then that stupid Nabooru, she met up wich you!

Kotake:
And she told you of 'er plan and got you involved too!

Koume:
Now you're grown up and she's bye-bye but that doesn't matter much!

Kotake:
We may be older than dirt, but boy, we still have got the touch!

[Link stands in the center of the platform, listening to the painful musical ensemble, as the twins launch into the chorus.]

Koume and Kotake:
JUUUUST THE TWO OF US!
WE CAN MAKE THE HERO DIE, JUST THE TWO OF US!

Koume: [motions to her sister]
Her and I!

Koume and Kotake:
JUUUUST THE TWO OF US!
WE WILL NEVER LET YOU PASS, JUST THE TWO OF US!

Kotake: [points at Link, she charges up an ice beam]
We'll kick your ass!

Link: [face pales, eyes get very small as the ice beam launches at him] ... MEEP.

Navi: AIEEEEE! LINK, USE THE MIRROR SHIELD, QUICK!

Link: AAAAAAAGH!

[Link whips the shield into place in front of him, trembling and too afraid to look. In a bright blast of bluish white, the beam hits the shield and bounces off, amazingly in the direction of Koume.]

Koume: ... meh? [hit] AIEEEEEEEEHCHIICHIICHIII!! [she is knocked down in a big burst of freezing magic]

Link: [peeks out from behind his shield, raises his eyebrows] ... did I do that?

Navi: YEAH! WOOO, GO LINK!

Kotake: [removes her sunglasses briefly, expresses amazement] YOW!! HOW'D HE DO THAT, KOUME?!

Koume: [chattering her teeth, the flames in her hair and broom barely alive] SH-SH-SH-SHUT UP, KOTAKE!

Link: [raises hand] That is a fair question. How DID I do that?

Navi: The Mirror Shield, dumbnut! Remember?

Link: ... OH YEAH! HEY, COOL!!! WAHAHAHAH, I AM UNSTOPPA- [his taunt is cut short by another blast of ice from across the room, that barely misses hitting him] YOW!

Kotake: [helping Koume back onto her broom] A LUCKY HIT, YOU LITTLE PUNK!
[rapping again]
So you found out our weak spot, how could you have heard?

Koume: [snaps her fingers, lights her hair again]
I bet it was revealed by that damn annoying bird!

Kotake:
Well there's no need to be worried, sis, we still are number 1!

Koume: [charging up a fire beam]
Now he's got to deal with BOTH of us, and shouldn't that be fun?!

Link: [raises hands in argument]
Let's solve this peacefully! C'est la vie!

Navi: [whacks him in the head]
How could you resort to bribery?

Link:
EVEN SO! A hero I must be-
YOU LADIES WON'T DEFEAT ME!

Koume and Kotake:
JUUUUUST THE TWO OF US!
WITH OUR FIRE AND OUR ICE, JUST THE TWO OF US!

Link: YOWWWIEEE!!! [sees the fire beam heading straight for him]
THAT AIN'T NICE!

Koume and Kotake:
JUUUUUST THE TWO OF US!
WE WILL MAKE OUR GANNY GLAD, JUST THE TWO OF US!

Navi: [extremely quickly, obviously trying to fit it to the tune]
I've lost all respect for him I ever haaaaaaad.

[The rapping beat continues as Link shrieks like a girl once more and bounces the fire magic off of his shield and directly towards Kotake, who is charging up an ice beam.]

Koume: AAGGH! KOTAKE, FIRE!

Kotake: Fire!? Okay, Koume! [fires her ice beam] HA TAKE THAT YOU- [hit by the fire beam] OWWWWWWWWWWIEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEE!

[She hops up and down on her broom, fanning the flames on her]

Kotake: IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Koume: EEP! Sorry, Kotake!

Kotake: ICE, KOUME!

Koume: No, I'm FIRE, Kotake, YOU'RE ice- ... oh damn. [hit by that ice beam] BRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!!! OWWWWWWWW! IT'S COOOOOLD!

Link: [laughing cockily from across the room] AAHAHAHAHA! WHAT'S THE MATTER, WITCHES?! CAN'T HANDLE A LITTLE AIR CONDITIONING? AHAHAHAHAH-

Navi: Quit bragging! You'll make them do something really desperate!

Link: Liiiike WHAT? Get face-lifts?

Navi: No, like PULL OUT THEIR TRUMP CARD!

Link: Their- EEK! [flings his shield around in time to block TWO beams heading at him simultaneously... I know they never did that in the game, but it would be cool, wouldn't it?]

Koume and Kotake: ... CRIPES! [hit with the opposing beams] YOW!!!

Kotake: [beating out the fire on her robes] I LIKE WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT TRUMP CARDS, KOTAKE!

Koume: You're Kotake, idiot.

Kotake: ... right, ANYWAY! I LIKE WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT TRUMP CARDS, KOUME!

Koume: ME TOO, KOTAKE! LET'S GET SERIOUS!

Kotake: OKAY, KOUME! WE'RE GETTING SERIOUS NOW!

[The rap beat fizzles out as Twinrova spin around each other and disappear in flashes of fire and ice]

Koume and Kotake: [voices rapidly changing] KOUME AND KOTAKE'S ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE!

Link: [makes a face and backs up] Eeehhh... Navi, what's going on?

Navi: I... I don't know! It looks like they're preparing for some really good attack or something!

Koume and Kotake/Twinrova: [now speaking in one creepy separated voice] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LITTLE BUTTNUGGET! WE'VE DEVISED AN ATTACK THAT WILL REND YOU COMPLETELY ASUNDER!

Link: [gulps] And what would that be?

Twinrova: WE'VE STUDIED YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS, AS TOLD TO US BY OUR DEAR GANNY-POO! AND WE'VE FORMULATED A SPELL THAT WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT WEAKNESS AND LEAVE YOU LIKE PUTTY IN OUR HANDS!

Link: Naavviiiiiiii...

Navi: Don't worry Link... you can do it, just concentrate!

Twinrova: BE PREPARED FOR...

[In a big poof of red and blue smoke, Twinrova's single form- known as... "Twinrova" appears. AND DEAR GOD IT IS A TREMENDOUS WOMAN WITH GANONDORF-GREEN SKIN, HUUUUUUGE BOOBS, PARACHUTE PANTS THAT PUT NABOORU'S TO SHAME, EXPLOSIVE RED AND BLUE SPARKLY HAIR UNDER A TURBAN, AND MORE MAKEUP THAN MIMI BOBECK OF "THE DREW CAREY SHOW" FAME.]

Twinrova: MWAAAA! [blows a kiss] TWINROVA'S DOUBLE DYNAMITE BIG-BREASTED GERUDO FLOOZY WOMAN ATTACK!

Link: [we hear a small shatter in his brain] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [blood vessels in his eyes burst and he whips backwards, covering them and making loud gagging noises] AAAAAAAHGGGGHGHGHGHHHHH MY EYES!

Navi: ... holy mother of ONE UGLY BOSS!

Link: WHAT... WHAT IS THAT THING?! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A WOMAN?! AAAAGGGHHH... OH... OH GOD... I FEEL NAUSEOUS... OH... OH GGRAALFLLLGLHLLFGHHL! [vomits in his hat] BLECH! BLECH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

Twinrova: [places her hands on her hips] WHAT are you talking about?! We formulated this attack to be IRRESISTIBLE to a woman-crazy pervert like you!

Link: [grows weak in the knees, collapses to the ground and shivers like he's going to die] NAVI, I WANT TO BE GAY! LET ME BE GAY, NAVI, PLEEEEEEASE!

Navi: [shivering as well] Can't say I blame you, man... EWWWW. She looks like a green Joan Rivers!

Twinrova: [looks extremely pissed] HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?! That's it, it's time to end this once and for all! [she flies into the air and whips out Koume and Kotake's brooms, now looking more like magic wands] SAY GOODNIGHT, HERO!

Link: [stands up bravely] NOT TO YOU YOU BIG FAT UGLY... AAAAAHHHH...

[Loud beats bring us into the Twinrova boss song, a delightful medley of those wonderful (GAG) retro skanky bubblegum pop chick singer songs. Joy. Up first we have "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera, the skank who can SING.]

Twinrova: [does a skanky dance as she floats in the air, moans and sings]
Been serving for our son so long
We've had time to think up several songs
Waiting for someone... to hear them...
Broke into our temple and came our way
To save the girl we had brainwashed that day...
What a foolish herooo...

[Twinrova begins firing off three consecutive fire spells at Link, who does the brave hero thing and hides behind his shield, letting it take all the pain.]

Link: [moans with nausea]
OOOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOHHH...

Twinrova: [whispering]
We made this look for you, dear...

Link: [gets worse]
OOOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOHHH...

Twinrova:
Now our victory is clear... clear...

[The chorus starts up as the lights dim and Twinrova belts it out- with help from all her autotone machines. OOOOOHHH!!! SILENT STAB AT THE SKANKY POP GENRE!]

Twinrova: [backed up by chorus members disguised as statues]
If you wanna defeat me
Hero, there's a price to pay!
Gotta deafen out your hormones
Fight like you're not through pu-ber-tay!
You can't ogle, you can't drool
Can't act like a horny fool!
You gotta fight with celibacy
Something that you'll never do!

Navi: [flits around Link's head, just before the third fire spell hits]
You gotta ignore your hormones, Linky!
You gotta pretend that you don't care, honey!
You gotta look right past your hormones, Linky!
Come, come, come on, I know you can!

Link: YARRGGH! [catches the third fire spell and launches it right back at her]

Twinrova: ...eh? YAAAH! [catches a face-full of fire, wincing] A LUCKY BREAK!

Link: [pops a few Rolaids] I CAN DO IT!

Twinrova: HMMPH!
[continues singing, now charging and launching ice spells, and shaking her hips]
My hips are shakin' with my pants down low
Somewhere you wish that you could someday go...
Hero, hero, hero...

Link: OH SWEET NAYRU, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, WOMAN?! BLEEEEEH!

Twinrova:
Your hormones are racin' at the speed of light!
I can see it in your eyes, you can barely fight!
Hero, hero, hero...

Link:
OOOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOHHH...

Twinrova:
Part of you's thinking "Let's go!"

Link: [turns VERY GREEN]
OOOOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOHHH...

Twinrova:
But your duty's saying no! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[the chorus singers break in]
If you wanna defeat me
Hero, there's a price to pay!
Gotta deafen out your hormones
Fight like you're not through pu-ber-tay!
You can't ogle, you can't drool
Can't act like a horny fool!
You gotta fight with celibacy
Something that you'll never do!

Navi:
Now they're only playing mind games, Linky
You can kill them easily, honey!
Now they're only playing mind games, Linky!
You can, you can so psyche them out!

Link: [goes cross-eyed]
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...

Twinrova:
If you wanna defeat me
Hero, there's a price to pay!
Gotta deafen out your hormones
Fight like you're not through pu-ber-tay!
You can't ogle, you can't drool
Can't act like a horny fool!
You gotta fight with celibacy
Something that you'll never do!
If you wanna defeat me
Hero, there's a price to pay!
You gotta fight with celibacy
Something that you'll never-

Link: SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUPPPPPP! [he releases a blast of Arctic ice back at the DISGUSTING BOSS, and it knocks her down]

Twinrova: OOOH! OW! What... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU CAN'T-

Link: [whips out The Biggy] I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, TWINROVA!!! I WILL NEVER HAVE THE HOTS FOR YOU! BECAUSE I AM A HERO, AND I ONLY LIKE GOOD GUY GIRLS!

Twinrova: WHAAAAA?! NO!! OUR FAULTLESS PLAN, IS... IT'S...

Link: THIS IS THE STORY OF WHY YOUR PLAN FAILED!
[Now singing to "Lucky" by the Queen of All Horrid Music, BRITNEY SPEARS. [wretch.] [gag.]]
Princess Zelda!
Malon too!
Saria, Navi, [gags] Ruto.
Nabooru and
Impa too!
The girls I've loved in this show!

[The stage gets all sparkly as Link leaps over to where Twinrova fell down]

Navi:
AAREEEEEN'T THEY LOOOOVELY?
THESE... NON-EVIL GIIIRLS...

Link: But you see- [starts whacking away

Link and Chorus:
YOU'RE SO UGLY!
EVIL WRETCH!
When you shake your butt
It makes people kvetch, lay-days...

Link:
If you really want to win a prize-

All:
LAY OFF ON THE MAKEUP 'ROUND YOUR EYES!

Twinrova: OW! OH! OW! OW! JERK!! OWWW!

Link:
Your stupid challenge...
Didn't phase me!
Because I'm not that desperate!

Link and Chorus:
I'VE GOT LOOOOOADS OF FANGIRLS
WHO WILL HAPPILY TAKE ME-

Link:
Not to mention Sheik if he's up to it.

Navi: [glares at Link, nostrils flaring with jealousy]
AAAREEEEEN'T THEY LOOOOVELY?
THOSE NON-EVIL GIRLS...

Link: Listen up!
YOU'RE SO UGLY!
NASTY WITCH!
You're all green and old
And you're such a bitch, LAY-DAY!
If you want to defeat me like that-

All:
TRY WEAAARRING SOME PANTS NOT SO FAT!

[Link beats on Twinrova, who tries to beat him off]

Twinrova: YOU! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME SO?! AAGGH, I'LL KICK YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE-

Link: AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME SING A SONG BY BRITNEY SPEARS! WAAAAAAH!

Navi: [gazes at the sky] OH LORD, LET IT END NOW...

Twinrova: [WHACK] OWWW! OUCHIES!

Link: YAY!!! I BEAT HER!

Navi: My prayers have been answered!

[The music fizzles out, and BFUT (Big Fat Ugly Twinrova) rises out of Link's wrath and spins around, landing in two clouds, one red and one blue. Koume and Kotake emerge from the clouds.]

Koume: SHOOT!! WHAT A FRESH KID!

Kotake: THAT'S TWICE NOW, KOTAKE!

Koume: ... YOU'RE Kotake.

Kotake: Oh. THAT'S TWICE NOW, KOUME!

Koume: It's time to REALLY get serious!

Kotake: I second the- [pauses]

Link: ... uh...

Navi: Girls, um...

Koume: [points at Link and Navi] WE DON'T OWE YOU TWO RAPSCALLIONS A BIT OF OUR ATTENTION AT THIS POINT! WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, KOUME?

Kotake: ...YOU'RE Koume.

Koume: Oh. WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, KOTAKE?

Kotake: What's... [points at the halo over Koume's head] What is that thing over your head, Koume?

Koume: ... eh? [glances at Kotake and points at her halo] I don't know, but you have one too, Kotake.

[Brief pause. Then...]

Koume and Kotake: OH NO! WE'RE DEAD!

[For the most part, the next part's dialogue has been left intact because it was done so well. ^_^;;]

Koume: NOOOOOOOO! [drops to her knees, throwing a tantrum with her arms] THIS CAN'T BE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'M ONLY 400 YEARS OLD!

Kotake: [drops to her knees and throws a tantrum] AND I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'M ONLY 350 YEARS OLD!

Koume: [whacks Kotake in the head] WE'RE TWINS, STUPID! DON'T LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE!

Kotake: [whacks her right back] I'M NOT LYING! YOU MUST HAVE GONE SENILE!

Koume: SENILE?! SENILE?! IS THAT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR OLDER SISTER?

Kotake: WE'RE TWINS, YOU IDIOT, HOW CAN YOU BE OLDER!?

Koume: IDIOT? YOU'RE HEARTLESS!

Kotake: HEARTLESS?! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME! IF I'M HEARTLESS, YOU'RE SENILE!

Koume: SENILE?! YOU'RE HEARTLESS!

Kotake: SENILE!

Koume: HEARTLESS!

Kotake: SENILE!

Koume: HEARTLESS!

[Link and Navi watch them argue, and they slowly ascend up to wherever it is bosses go when they die.]

Koume and Kotake: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! STUPID HEROOOOO! WE'LL COME BACK TO HAAAAUNT YOUUUUUUUUU! [ping!]

[Link glances at Navi, who glances back at him. They embrace in a long hug]

Navi: Link, I'm so proud of you! You managed to defeat them even after they tried to use your love of women to their advantage!

Link: I'm proud of me too, Navi... but you know, they really didn't have a chance against me!

Navi: Why not?

Link: I switched to loving Sheik again before the battle started.

Navi: ... ah... WAIT A MINUTE!

Link: What?

Navi: YOU ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR CRUSH-SWITCHING! AHA! THAT MEANS YOU ARE AWARE OF IT!

Link: ... what are you talking about?

Navi: ... AAGGGH, I'LL CATCH YOU DOING IT SOMEDAY, LINK!

Link: ... wait... Navi... this means...

Navi: ... THIS IS OUR LAST TEMPLE.

Link: WE DID IT! WE DID IT, WE DID IT, WE DID IT! YAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: YAAAY! HURRY, LINK, TO THE CHAMBER OF SAGES!

[Link and Navi hop into the portal to the Chamber of Sages, blissfully forgetting Nabooru and all her troubles, leaving her to DIE A MISERABLE BRAINWASHED MONSTER... Well, if she wasn't the Sage of Spirit, that is.]

(Scene: The Chamber of Sages. As Link descends, the orange Spirit Seal lights up and Nabooru rises in to join him, smiling brightly.

~~~~ THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS ONCE AGAIN BEEN NOMINATED FOR A TONY AWARD BECAUSE OF ITS SHEER EMOTION AND DRAMA, NOT TO MENTION THE AUTHOR'S BIAS BECAUSE SHE IS, IN FACT, A LINK AND NABOORU SHIPPER. PLEASE ENJOY. THANK YOU.~~~~

Link: Nabooru! You're... you're all right!

Nabooru: [smiles] Thanks to you... I'm back to my old self, and those stupid witches will never play the Gerudo like puppets ever again!

Link: [sighs] We were so worried... we were worried that maybe you were a cruel and evil person... but you seemed so nice, and you were our friend...

Navi: It's good to have you back, Nab!

Nabooru: I... [looks embarrassed] I'm sorry, kid... I really screwed up all those years ago...

Link: Whaddya mean?

Nabooru: I was so thirsty to make Ganondorf look bad, I didn't think about the hitches in my plan... I dragged you into it as well. I was too weak and foolish to fight against those witches, and they brainwashed me. They transformed me into a monster and made me serve the very man I hated for seven years... I'm only beginning to remember what kind of horrible things I must have done.

Link: Nabooru... it wasn't your fault.

Nabooru: Yes... but it's kinda funny. Who would have thought that the Sage of Spirit could be someone like me? A thief and a scoundrel... heh... things are turning out all right after all.

Link: [grins]

Nabooru: I'm going to make Ganondorf pay and pay dearly for what his mothers did to me... as one of the Six Sages! HA!

Link: You go girl.

Nabooru: [grins back] And look at you! Who would have thought that the little hero would become such a studly, competent swordsman in those few years?

Navi: Nooooot me!

Link: [glares at her]

Nabooru: So... Link...

Link: ... yes? [eyes get very big]

Nabooru: Do you remember that favor I promised I'd do for you all those years ago?

Link: [drooling] Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes?

Nabooru: [gives him an odd glance] Instead of keeping that promise, I will present you with this medallion, filled with my power!

Link: ... Drat. [silent for a moment] Can I have both?

Navi: But Link, if you're allowed to do that with Nabooru, that makes it legal for you to do it with Rut-

Link: [claps his hands] WELL THAT'S TOO BAD, NABOORU! I'LL TAKE THAT MEDALLION NOW!

Nabooru: Heh. [winks at him] Thought you'd see it my way!

[Nabooru raises her arms and the orange Spirit Medallion falls into Link's hands.]

Chorus Singers: [to triumphant music]
NUMBER SIX!
COME ON, BABY, LET'S HEAR IT!
NABOORU!
IS NOW THE SAGE OF SPIRIT!
AND SHE ADDS... HER POWER... TO YOURS!

[Gerudo musical instruments pick up and Link and Nabooru sing a duet.]

Link:
Seven years ago when I hit your boobs
I didn't think that we'd be such friends!
I actually kinda thought that at your hands
I would meet my untimely end!

Nabooru:
And you were such a twerp when I met you!
But seven years have passed so quick
Now you're studly and manly and handsome-
Too bad I can't-

Navi: [clears her throat and blocks out the next line]
AAHEEEMAHEMAHEM!!

Link:
Now as a Sage you'll help me fight for right
And I'll march into battle with your might
But I'll never forget a Sage like you
And part of me will always wish we had-

Navi:
AHEMAHEMAHEMAHEMAHEM.

Nabooru:
If only I'd known you would be so handsome
I would have kept the promise I made!
So I'll back you as a Sage, don't mind the difference in age
I could have been the one to help you get-

Navi: [angry, louder this time]
AHEM!!!!

Link and Nabooru:
So Sage number 6
I have finally found...
On the Ancient Gerudo Sacred Ground...
And we'll always remember the promise that we made...

Link:
And I'll always wish that Nabooru...

Nabooru:
OOOOOH...

Link:
HAD GOT ME-

Navi: [slaps him]

Link: ... ow.

~~~~~~~~~~ END OF TONY AWARD-WINNING SCENE~~~~~~~

(... but not OF the scene, actually! There is suddenly a pounding of rhythms from around. Link and Navi look around worriedly, and suddenly, deep voices singing the Song of Time ring out...)

Chorus Singers:
OOOOO OOOOOOOO... OOOO OOOO OOOOOO... OO
OO-OOH-OOO-OO-O-O-O- OOOO OOOOOO OOO OOOOOO...

[Suddenly, the Sage Seals light up and one by one, the awakened Sages rise into the room to join Nabooru.]

Saria:
Forest...

Darunia:
Fire...

Ruto:
Water...

Impa:
Shadow...

Nabooru:
Spirit...

Rauru: [operatic voice]
LIIIIIIIIIIIII-HI-HI-HI-HI-HIIIIIIIIIIT!

All Sages: [in a great chorus]
LIGHT YOU'LL BRING BACK TO THIS PLACE, HYRUUUUUUUUUULE...
YOU HERO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE...

Link: ... HEY, THEY'RE GONNA SING AN ODE TO ME, NAVI!

Navi: Sweet!

Sages: [to "Nowhere Man", in a reprise!]
HE'S A REEEEEEAL HERO MAN...
WAKING SAGES ACROSS THE LAND...
NOW HE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS HIS DESTINY...

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYY!

Sages: [shuffling in sync, doing a dance]
THE FINAL BATTLE WILL SOON BE ON!
THIS LAD IN GREEN WITH HAIR OF BLOND!
HE'S BECOME SO BIG AND STRONG... FOR HIS DESTINY!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYY!

Sages: [singing as Saria takes a solo]
AAAAALALALALA...

Saria: [slides forward]
Hero Man... you've got it!
Followed on... our plot and
Pretty soon... peace will return to the laaa-aaa-aa-aaaand!

Darunia: [takes a solo during what would have been an instrumental... sorry, I need it.]
FOLLOWED ON YOUR DESTINY! [Chorus Singers: DEEEESTIIIIIINYYYYY!]
Six Sages here, so bright to see!
Gonna bring the evil king down to his knees! HAHAHA!

Sages:
HE'S AS STUDLY AS CAN BE!
EXPERIENCED WITH EXPERTISE!
WILL HE MAKE THE EVIL KING'S REIGN FALL?
AAAAALALALALA...

Ruto: [does her own solo]
Hero Man... outrageous!
Backed up by... we Sages!

Impa: [cuts in]
Ganon's rule... will not be able to staaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaand!
[she pauses, then sings the third verse]
We thought we were out of hope!

Nabooru:
But then you came along, and nope!
Up evil's butt you'll surely grope-

[The other Sages stare at her for her odd description]

Nabooru: ...
FOR DESTINY!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Sages:
AAAAALALALALA...

Rauru: [operatic voice]
HERO MAAAAAAAN, PLEASE LISTEN!
IN YOUR HANDS, OUR FATE GLISTENS!
DON'T LET US DOWN... THIS IS THE SAGES' DEMAAA-AA-AA-AAAAAND!

Sages:
HE'S A REAL HERO MAN!
HE CAN DO IT, YES HE CAN!
NOW WE'VE MADE HIM UNDERSTAND THE POWER HE HOLDS...

Link: [cuts in for one line]
AS A HERO, I SWEAR TO YOU, I'LL BREAK THE MOLDS!

All: [the song ends in a fabulously flashy finale, complete with alliterative description]
HERO MAN, YOU HAVE A HOLD ON DESTINY!

Chorus Singers:
DEEESTIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[The Sages all pose dramatically, and the echo music comes back into the chamber]

Link: [nearly in tears] Saria, Darunia... Impa, Nabooru, Rauru... [winces] Ru...to... You all came back to wish me congratulations!

Rauru: Indeed, Hero of Time, you have done well to awaken us all!

Saria: [grins] Great job, Link!

Darunia: Way to go, Brother!

Ruto: OUTSTANDING, SWEETLING!

Impa: Very good.

Nabooru: Tubular.

Link: [sighs, and crosses his arms] Yeeeep... now that my role of Hero of Time is over...

Impa: ... Over? What the hell are you talking about?

Link: ... I did what I was supposed to. I awakened the Sages! Now is when you guys topple Ganondorf's rule out from under him!

Darunia: Um... [twitches] I thought you were gonna help, Brother.

Link: HELL NO! I never said I'd help do the toppling!

Saria: Liiiiiink!

Link: [gazes at Navi incredulously] I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T, DID I?!

Navi: No, he didn't! He would never volunteer for work!

Rauru: You agreed to be the Hero of Time, didn't you?

Link: Yeah... and I agreed to awaken the Sages! I said nothing about marching into Ganondorf's castle and trying to kill him myself!

Nabooru: ... YES YOU DID!

Link: How would YOU know, you weren't even awakened yet!

Saria: Link, part of your duties as Hero of Time is defeating evil in any form!

Link: I was never told that!

Impa: [holds up a piece of paper] You signed the contract!

Link: I SIGNED NOTHING!

Darunia: Lemme see that! [levitates the contract over from Impa, reads off of it] "See Spot run over the hills and valleys of existence: Spot runs quickly over the broadening..."

Ruto: No, BELOW that, you idiot!

Darunia: Um... [squints] I don't see any contract.

All Other Sages: WHAT?!

Nabooru: You readin' that right?

Darunia: I don't know how to read ENGLISH!

All Other Sages: UUUGH!

Ruto: GIMME THAT! [she snatches the paper from Darunia and reads] "I, Link, the Hero of Time (tm), of sound mind and body, do hereby sign that I will defeat evil in any form thoroughly and completely during the course of my duties. Signed, Link Elizabeth Kokiri!"

Link: [winces] I NEVER SIGNED THAT!

[Everyone stares at him]

Nabooru: ... Elizabeth?

Link: I NEVER SIGNED THAT!

Ruto: You had to have, Linky-sweetums, it says so right here!

Link: [points at her] I DIDN'T SIGN IT, YOU WHACKED OUT FISHSTICK WITH LEGS!

Impa: Well SOMEONE must have signed it!

Navi: I SIGNED IT.

[Everyone looks at Navi.]

Link: [gasps] WHAAAT?! Wh... when did you sign that?

Navi: On our way out of the Chamber of Sages right after we woke up... just after Rauru gave us his medallion! The voices that be asked me if I would be a signed witness on the contract!

Link: So why did you FORGE MY NAME ON IT?

Navi: Because I knew you'd never AGREE to it. We'd never get out of there!

Link: [pouts] ... AAWWWW, I DON'T WANNA DEFEAT THE EVIL KING! I didn't sign that, I shouldn't have to!

[The room erupts into argument, except for Impa, who is rolling her eyes, and except for Rauru, who is reading from a thick book.]

Rauru: QUIET.

[Everyone is quiet.]

Rauru: [munches a Twinkie as he points at the thick book] I've got your consent right here, Link, Hero of Time.

Link: What?

Rauru: Chapter 13, page 6.

Link: ... grrr... NO CITING THE SCRIPT!

Saria: Sorry, Link... looks like you gotta defeat Ganondorf.

Link: [sighs deeply] No, no, it's okay... I was sort of wanting to anyway...

Nabooru: [raises an eyebrow] So why were you so adamant about not being the Hero of Time anymore?

Link: [glances hopefully at Nabooru] Well... um...

Navi: [whacks him in the back of the head] LINK.

Link: SORRY! [looks serious] But now... I know where my path lies. It lies in front of Ganon's Castle... I must go there and defeat him!

Sages: WOOT.

Rauru: Now, Link... before you go marching off to your doom-

[Everyone stares at him.]

Rauru: ... erm, well... okay, your PROBABLE doom-

[More stares.]

Rauru: ... your SUCCESS-

[Everyone relaxes]

Rauru: Someone is waiting for you at the Temple of Time. You must return their one more time to receive the weapon that you can use to defeat Ganondorf.

Navi: Someone waiting for us...?

Link: WEAPON...?

[The Sages begin sparkling in their color and they slowly begin to fade as the warp portal lifts Link out of the Chamber.]

Link: B-but wait! Sages! H-how am I going to defeat Ganondorf without you? Don't go away!

Saria: Link, didn't you figure that out yet? Silly!

Link: ... Figure what out?

Darunia: We're ALWAYS with you, Brother.

Link: ... Oh jeez, not another one of those dorky "I shall always be with you" endings...

Navi: Well, Link, there had to be one SOMETIME!

[The Sages wave to Link as he vanishes]

Rauru: Worry not, Hero of Time! For we shall meet again before it is all over!

Link: WHEEEEEN?

All Sages: AT THE AUTOGRAPH SIGNINGS!

Link: Oh. BYEEE SAGES!

All Sages: GOODBYE, HERO OF TIME! GOOD LUCK!

[The Chamber of Sages fades out as Link and Navi are spirited away in the warp portal. He floats through the air Superman-style to dreamy piano music as he takes us out of the chapter... FINALLY. This is the longest chapter so far, by the way.]

Link:
All the Sages said...
"Someone waiting for you"...
I wonder who?
Who could it be now?
"Someone waits for you..."

Navi:
Hurry up, hurry up!
Let's go fast! Let's go fast!
Let's meet the one who waits for you...

Link:
Everything seems to be closing in around me...

Navi:
We're getting closer to meeting our destiny...

Link and Navi:
I can't wait to see... who it might be...

Link:
Someone is there and waiting for you!

Navi:
Someone important's waiting for you...

Link:
Hurry to the Temple of Time...
Someone waits for the Hero of the same...

[The same dreamy piano chords continue as Link goes into Dramatic Hero Mode.]

Link: [thoughts] Someone waiting... Someone waiting to give me what I need to destroy Ganondorf's evil rule... Someone waiting for me at the Temple of Time... Could it possibly be... her? Princess Zelda? The one who pulled me into all this in the first place... If it is, by gummi, I'll kick her ass! But... she will have a lot to explain... The truth, perhaps... where she's been, and where the Triforce fits into all of this...
[speaking] Everything is beginning to make sense... Navi... My destiny is beginning to unfold!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEESSTIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Navi: DUCK!

Link: Huh? Where-

[But Link had not been watching where he is floating, and he slams face-first into the stage left balcony, bringing down a scaffolding, a bunch of spotlights, and all of the workers on that scaffolding]

All: AAAAGGGGGH-CRASH!

[The music shorts out, and Navi flies down to Link's arm, which is currently the only visible part of him. The rest is hidden beneath the scaffolding and the fat body of Ted, the lighting director.]

Navi: ... you okay?

Link: [points into the air] TO THE HOSPITAL OF TIME!

Navi: ...

Link: AND THEN TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME TO MEET THE ONE WHO IS WAITING FOR ME!

Navi: What a trooper!

[An ambulance pulls up, and two workers jump out. They lift the scaffolding and Ted onto a stretcher, then throw it in the back of the ambulance. As they pull out, they run over Link. They drive away.]

Link: ... [now bleeding internally] LITTLE HELP, NAVI.

Navi: [sighs, digs in his backpack for the First Aid Kit of Time] You still haven't changed, Link. And you'd better not plan on it, either!

Link: [grunting voice, like he's in pain] NO INTENTION OF IT, NAVI.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 24*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



(A/N: Holy CRAP THAT'S A LONG CHAPTER. Luckily, the next few chapters should come out much more quickly, because I don't have to write temples in them. They should be much shorter, too! ^_^)