Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-Three: Gerudo Valley ( Chapter 23 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical!
Whipped up by Galaxy Girl!

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-THREE: Groovin' in Gerudo Valley -OR- Link's Lifelong Dream Is Finally Fulfilled -OR- The Divine Secrets of the Hiya-Hiya Sisterhood

In this scene...

Link, the immature and hormonal but lovable nonetheless Hero of Time!
Navi, his amazingly patient and occasionally sarcastic fairy!
Epona, the horse!
Sheik, the calm, mysterious, all-around sexy Sheikah ninja!
Carpenter Boss Man!
The Broadway Carpenters!
Aveil, which I assume is the name of the Gerudo 3rd-in-Command!
A whole mess of pretty, musical Gerudo divas!
Freaky Man on a Flying Carpet!
The Poe of the Desert!
And random cameos from a lot of the cast!


(A/N: I'm only going to say this once... Let's see how many people this completely throws. This chapter is labeled "Chapter Twenty-Three" because it is being uploaded into the 23rd slot on the FF.N document. The misnumbered chapters caused by the insertion of chapter 19.5 (IE: 19.5, 20 and 21) were starting to annoy me. So don't ask me where chapter 22 went, because it does not exist. ^_^

And to Aoi Hikari, who asked in my reviews, yes, the big letters over Hyrule were a reference to Excel Saga. ^_~ LET'S HEAR IT FOR PEDRO!)


(Scene: Exotic, Spanish-sounding "Chariots of Fire"-style music begins in the background, as the sun rises over Gerudo Valley. The whole valley seems to be glowing a lovely red. Appropriately, the sounds of hoofbeats can be heard, and finally, a familiar guy, his rusty-brown horse, and his fairy guardian come riding into the area.)

Link: [wincing, grabbing his butt] OW! JEEZ, Epona, do you have to ride in time with the beat all the way across the field?!

Epona: Neigh.

Navi: Well, I guess that's what you get for humming the Gerudo Valley theme as we were on our way.

[Link halts Epona and stands up in the stirrups, fixing his tights and wincing as though he is in great pain]

Link: Remind me never to ride a horse in tights again! [grunts, and wails] I think I've got hemorrhoids!

Navi: [sighs, shakes sweat off of her] Thanks for sharing.

Link: First I kill the sacred deity of my hometown, then I unleash the flirting wrath of a homicidal fish princess, then I accidentally hand the world to an evil overlord on a silver platter, then zombies molest me, then I get hemorrhoids from my faithful steed... What other kind of bad crap could possibly happen to me?

Navi: Well, for starters... [zooms in to his face] You could be gang-raped and then brutally murdered by a group of unruly Gerudo thieves!

Link: [gives her a cock-eyed glance] There you go again with that "Evil Gerudo" thing. You really need to have a little faith in me!

Navi: Link, I've been telling you since last chapter, there's no WAY we're going to get in and out of Gerudo Valley without a really, really big fight!

Link: [scratching his nose] And why is that again?

Navi: The Gerudo HATE males. They HATE kids. They HATE MALE KIDS. You happen to be both MALE, and under 18, which makes you a KID.

Link: And the problem is...?

Navi: [indignantly] They automatically hate you! They don't exactly have a reputation for being nice people! In fact, I heard somewhere that any unwanted intruders into their fortress are robbed, thrown in prison, then dipped in boiling oil!

Link: [pauses, thinks about that for a minute] What kind of oil?

Navi: [whacks him in the skull] PERVERT!

Link: [shrugs] It was a viable question!

Navi: [getting excited, in the bad, nervous, upset way] And it gets worse than that! Then they chain you to a slab and beat you up, and then they break all your arms and legs and leave you out in the desert to rot like a papaya! Meanwhile they're back home, cozy and enjoying the good life with all the stuff they took from you!

Link: [appears to be in deep thought] Ah... sounds pleasant.

Navi: And that's only ONE of the rumors! I've heard other rumors about them brainwashing people and experimenting on them with dark magic and turning them into MONSTERS!

Link: [his eyes widen] SWEEEEEEET!

Navi: NO, NOT SWEET!

[Link is now riding Epona slowly in the direction of the Gerudo Fortress.]

Link: [waves her off, shaking his head] Relax, Navi. I can take any sort of enemy who crosses my path, and [pauses, makes a suave grin] Bee-yoooo-ti-ful thieves are no exception!

Navi: But Link, they're Ganondorf's own personal army! He was their king before he took over the world! He's trained them in every form of martial arts imaginable, and they've been known to kick the living doo-doo out of even the toughest Hylian Guards!

Link: But there's a difference, Navi!

Navi: What?

Link: [smiles as though he is relaxed] The Hylian Guards are AAAAAALL dead.

Navi: ... [glances at him, then at the audience, then back to him] ... Are you not HEARING what I'm SAYING, Link?

Link: Oh yeah, it is a nice day out... [glancing at the clouds dreamily]

[Finally, Navi decides to resort to the absolute last... resort.]

Navi: Did I mention that they castrate you before they do any of that stuff?

[Link slams on the brakes... Wait, horses don't have brakes! Anyway, he stops Epona in her tracks.]

Link: [makes a strangled gagging noise and turns deathly pale] WHAT?!

Navi: Yep, that one I'm sure of.

Link: [hiccups, swallows heavily and glances in a downward direction, then takes a deep breath and looks at Navi calmly] Well then... I suppose we'll have to resort to using one of my famous tactical plans, rather than just riding in there, sword a'-blazin' and screaming like a horny 10-year-old trapped in a 17-year-old body.

Navi: You've got to give yourself some credit for accuracy there.

Link: [looks puzzled, glances at her] Yeah, I know! Isn't that weird? All right, let's go Epona! HYA!

[Link spurs Epona into a run, and the dramatic music reaches a dramatic climax as he speeds towards the Gerudo Valley River Bridge... Hey wait a sec, there IS no Gerudo Valley River Bridge right now. It's broken!]

Epona: NEEEEEEEEIGH!!! [her eyes bug out]

Navi: [screaming bloody murder] AAAAAGGGGHHH!

Link: [looks at them] What's with you girls? It's almost like the bridge was- [sees it] WAAAAAAAIEEE!

[Once again, Link slams on the non-existent brakes and Epona screeches to a halt. Unfortunately, as the horse stops, Link is flung forward and over her, straight out and over the broken bridge, where he screams like a woman and falls.]

Link: AAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Navi: [panicking, flies down after him] LIIIIINK! I'LL SAVE YOU!

Epona: [sighs with relief, because she's safe at the top]

Navi: HANG ON LINK, I- ... [pauses] wait... I weight about 3 grams. What the heck am I gonna do?! ... EERGH, SO WHAT?! LIIIIIINK!

[Flipping around in midair, Link screams loudly and clasps his hands together in prayer]

Link: PLEEEEEAAAASE SOMEONE SAVE MEEEEEEEEE! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I REFUSE TO DIE IN SUCH AN IDIOTIC WAY! I'M THE HERO OF TIME, I NEED TO BE KILLED BY THE EVIL OVERLORD OR ONE OF HIS VICIOUS MONSTERS, NOT BY FALLING TO MY DOOM OFF OF A BROKEN BRIDGE!

Navi: [angrily, at the sky] THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE GAME!

Link: AUTHOR, I THOUGHT WE MADE UP OVER AN ICE COLD CHOCOLATEY YOOHOO! YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK A YOOHOO AGREEMENT, YOU VILE, WICKED, PESTILENT COMEDY WHORE! YOU DESPICABLE, GREEDY, LAUGH-MONGERING PAIN IN THE ASS-

Navi: Wait! [snaps her fingers] Link, I've got an idea!

Link: I'D APPRECIATE HEARING IT BEFORE I FALL TO MY DOOM!

Navi: [says in a very loud, very obvious voice] Hey Link! Were you wearing your SEATBELT?

Link: ... [pauses] ... YES! AAAAAHHH-

[There is a bright flash, and suddenly, Link is back on top of Epona, just before the break in the bridge, still screaming loudly.]

Link: -HHHHHHH... uh... [opens his eyes] ... What the heck?

Navi: Remember, Link? When you wear your seatbelt, you'll always be safe!

Link: [sighs deeply, smiles] PHEW. That was close.

Navi: So remember kids, buckle up for safety! CLICK IT OR TICKET!

(A Public Safety Announcement with GG putting on a seatbelt and winking flashes across the stage.)

[Link turns Epona around to back up, and then turns her back towards the broken bridge. He gives a heroic smile and spurs her on, and she gallops at top speed towards the bridge]

Navi: What exactly are you doing?

Link: JUMPING THE BRIDGE!

Epona: NEIIIGH! [Translation: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!?]

Navi: My thoughts exactly, Epona! Don't you know it's physically impossible for a horse to jump over a gap like that?

Link: Don't worry, I've got her in "GAME" mode.

Navi: Oh. Okay then! BANZAIII!

[The dramatic music gets even louder, Link gives a battle cry and Epona gives a neigh of terror as she leaps over the gap in a spectacular horse jump! The audience "OOHs" and "AAHs" in amazement! ... Well go on, OOH AND AAH!]

Link: WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

Navi: AIEEE! [clutching onto Link's hat]

Epona: NEIIIIIIGGGGH!

[And then with a mighty THUMP, Epona lands on all four hooves, stopping in a skid of dust and snorting in shock]

Navi: WOO! That was a trip! Link, you okay?

Link: [making a cringing face, clutching at his tights] OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Navi: ... You landed on your hemorrhoids, didn't you?

Link: OW. OW. OW. OW. OW. OW.

Epona: NEIGH. [Translation: THINK IT WAS A PICNIC HAVING YOUR FAT ASS LANDING ON MY SPINE?]

[Epona steps forward a few steps and Link, in a severe amount of pain, simply FLOPS off of her and lands on his side in the dust. Epona kicks some dirt onto him and waltzes off to find some grass or something.]

Navi: [hovers down next to Link and pokes him] You okay?

Link: [his eyes water] OW. OW. OW. OW. OW. OW.

[Link's moans of pain draw the attention of a familiar guy standing near a tent over on the right side of the valley. He glares at Link, then steps over and kicks him in the side]

Carpenter Boss: WHAT IN THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS GOIN' ON HERE?!

Navi: Oh, nothing, sir! Just a reproductive crisis on our hands!

Carpenter Boss: HMMPH! Lazy-ass kid! Lyin' on your butt in the dirt when there's all this work to be done!

Link: [wheezes] OWIE.

Navi: Um sir, he's seriously injured.

Carpenter Boss: PUH, excuses, excuses! If you ask me, excuses are like colons! Everyone's got one, and they're all full of-

Navi: HEY! This is rated PG!

Carpenter Boss: AHEM, AHEM! So what? [he glares at Link, but suddenly his glare softens and he raises his eyebrows] Wait a sec... I recognize this kid!

Link: [sits up extremely slowly, still clutching his tights] You... don't say?

Carpenter Boss: Yeah, you were that kid who my workers made 'is ears bleed seven years ago when we were on the Kakariko Village job!

Link: [eyes darken] YOUUUUUU... Your men traumatized me for LIFE!

Navi: His men and everyone else in this freaking country.

Link: [slowly stands up, sniffles, and shakes his head sadly] No kidding...

Carpenter Boss: [waves his hand nonchalantly] Don't you worry none, kid. My men aren't here right now.

Link: [scratches his head] What, did they all die?

Carpenter Boss: No, they ran off to join the Gerudo.

[Link is about to reply, but he suddenly pauses, opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again, and then repeats about three times.]

Link: Your... MEN. Went off to join... the GERUDO.

Carpenter Boss: [snorts disgustedly] Yeah, what a bunch of idiots, eh?!

Navi: ... How did they think THAT was going to work? The Gerudo are all female, and they hate men!

Carpenter Boss: [snorts disgustedly again] Those dummies! I TOLD them that, but they didn't listen t' me! They said it wasn't "cool" to be a carpenter, and they ran off to be thieves with the Gerudo.

Link: [glances at Navi] So does that mean they've all been castrated by now?

Navi: [gulps]

Carpenter Boss: [snorts yet again] Jeez, I can only HOPE. The thought of those morons having kids just scares me beyond all reason!

Link: And you just... LET them go?

Carpenter Boss: Well, it was sort of hard to argue with them... [scratches his chin] Let's see... No real better way to show you than with a flashback.

Chorus Singers:
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

(Scene: A misty-looking flashback of this very spot in Gerudo Valley. The carpenters are all in a line, as their boss yells at them)

Carpenter Boss: NOW LISTEN UP, YOU PANSIES! We're gonna fix that bridge over there, y'hear me?! And we're gonna do it FAST! And it ain't gonna take SEVEN YEARS, y'hear me?!

Carpenters: Yes, Boss...

Sabooroo: [raises his hand] Ooh! Ooh!

Carpenter Boss: [points at him] What?

Sabooroo: [crosses his arms] Boss, I'm sorry, but I am not going to help.

Other Three Carpenters: GASP!

Carpenter Boss: [stomps over to Sabooroo and whacks him in the back of the skull] What's the matter with you?! Of COURSE you're gonna help!

Sabooroo: [rubs his head] Don't use violence Boss, because it won't help! I'm done working as a carpenter!

Carpenter Boss: WHADDYA MEAN YOU'RE DONE WORKING AS A CARPENTER!?

Ichiro: [stuttering] Y-yeah, what do you mean? You're abandoning us?!

Sabooroo: I decided that I want to go join the Gerudo.

[The other carpenters glance at him for a moment like he's insane.]

Carpenter Boss: The GERUDO? The Gerudo are all female, you great big idiot! They HATE men! We're lucky to still have our... um... [clears his throat] with how close we've been to their fortress all this time!

Shiro: [also raises his hand] I-I'm with Sabooroo. I want to be a Gerudo too!

Carpenter Boss: WHAT?!

Jiro: [also raises his hand] I'm with those two!

Ichiro: [points at Jiro] And I'm with them too!

Carpenter Boss: You've GOT to be kidding me. And on WHAT basis are you making this decision?

[A reggae-sounding beat starts up in the background and the carpenters begin an obviously rehearsed musical number.]

Sabooroo: Well Boss, haven't you heard about the Gerudo?

[It's "Jamaican Jerk-Off" by Elton John! Another groovy tune, people! ^_~]

Carpenter Boss: [clutches his forehead] AW NO... NO... NO WAY... NO SINGING! NO SING-

[Sabooroo bursts into song as the other carpenters begin banging on conveniently placed drums of nails to make a very islandish-sound.]

Sabooroo:
When they wake up in the morning
It's the first thing that they do

Ichiro: YO!
[singing]
They all turn OOOOON the radio!
And dance for an hour or two!

[The carpenters sway back and forth]

Jiro:
There's nothin' like laying in the sun
Singin' songs all day!

Shiro: [throws his arms over his friend's shoulders]
So I got together with my friends
And we all like their ways!

[As the chorus starts up, the carpenters do a snazzy tap dance backwards, where a dance line of Gerudos has appeared, swaying and going, "AHH!" and looking sexy.]

Carpenters:
LET'S BE GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
MAKIN' MUSIC ALL DAY! (LA, LA!)
Too hot to do much else, so... (LA, LA!)
WE JUST LOVE THEIR MUSICAL WAYS!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenters: [can-canning together with the Gerudo]
COME ON, GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
LISTEN WHAT WE SAY! (LA, LA!)
[they point at their boss]
Workin' for this guy's a drag, so... (LA, LA!)
WE'LL GO JOIN THOSE GIRLS RIGHT AWAY!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenter Boss: [tries to argue, dumbfounded] QUIT THE SINGING! Knock it off! The Gerudo aren't THAT, great, haven't you-

Sabooroo: [interrupts, continues their song]
Well those ladies, they treat gentlemen
As rude as they want...

Ichiro: THEY SO RUDE!
[singing]
So we figure THAAAAT we'll sing to 'em
Our singing voices, we shall flaunt!

Jiro:
We'll join with the Gerudo, yeah!
And our dream will come right true!

Shiro:
We four will be Broadway stars!
And we won't have to work for you! [they point at him accusingly]

Carpenter Boss: YOU FOUR KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW BEFORE I-

Carpenters:
LET'S BE GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
MAKIN' MUSIC ALL DAY! (LA, LA!)
Too hot to do much else, so... (LA, LA!)
WE JUST LOVE THEIR MUSICAL WAYS!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenters: [doing a line dance with the Gerudo]
COME ON, GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
LISTEN WHAT WE SAY! (LA, LA!)
[they point at their boss]
Workin' for this guy's a drag, so... (LA, LA!)
WE'LL GO JOIN THOSE GIRLS RIGHT AWAY!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

[The Carpenters sway back and forth as they chatter with a few of the Gerudo girls, while their boss gets angrier and angrier.]

Ichiro: Do you guys do an annual play?

Gerudo #1: Always!

Shiro: Is it ever a musical!

Gerudo #2: ALWAYS!

Sabooroo: And anyone's allowed to try out?!

Gerudo #3: ALWAYS!

Jiro: [gasps] And do famous people get to watch it?

Gerudo #4: Lord Ganondorf, ALWAYS! He's a theater connoisseur!

Carpenters: THIS IS OUR DREAM COME TRUE!

Carpenter Boss: YOU IDIOTS GET BACK TO WORK NOW BEFORE I-

[He is interrupted as they sing the chorus again. The stage explodes in a burst of bright Caribbean music and decorations, and Gerudo flags wave all over.]

Carpenters:
LET'S BE GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
MAKIN' MUSIC ALL DAY! (LA, LA!)
Too hot to do much else, so... (LA, LA!)
WE JUST LOVE THEIR MUSICAL WAYS!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenters: [make a human pyramid with the Gerudo on top]
COME ON, GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
LISTEN WHAT WE SAY! (LA, LA!)
[they point at their boss]
Workin' for this guy's a drag, so... (LA, LA!)
WE'LL GO JOIN THOSE GIRLS RIGHT AWAY!

Gerudo: [gracefully leap down from the pyramid and pose]
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenters:
LET'S BE GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
MAKIN' MUSIC ALL DAY! (LA, LA!)
Too hot to much else, so... (LA, LA!)
WE JUST LOVE THEIR MUSICAL WAYS!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA LA!

Carpenters: [do fancy choreographed dances with the Gerudo]
COME ON, GERUDO! (LA, LA!)
LISTEN WHAT WE SAY! (LA, LA!)
[they point at their boss]
Workin' for this guy's a drag, so... (LA, LA!)
WE'LL GO JOIN THOSE GIRLS RIGHT AWAY!

Gerudo:
LA-LA, LA- ...

[The music shorts out, and suddenly, the dancing Gerudo scream]

Gerudo #1: ARRRGH! MEN IN OUR VALLEY!

Gerudo #2: ARREST THEM! ARREST ALL FOUR OF THEM IMMEDIATELY AND TAKE THEM FOR JUDGEMENT!

[The Carpenters are forced to the ground and handcuffed, then lead towards the Gerudo fortress by Gerudo with spears.]

Sabooroo: H-hey! What about our joint love of musicals?!

Gerudo #3: You ladies want to show them our love of musicals?

Gerudo #4: 1... 2... 3!

Gerudo #1: AAAHHH...

Gerudo #2: [higher] AAAHHH...

Gerudo #3: [higher] AAAHHH...

Gerudo #4: [highest] AAAHHH...

All Four Gerudo: [singing]
WE'LL CUT YOUR THROATS AND SKIN YOUR HIDE
AND USE YOUR HAIR FOR THREAD!
WE'LL SLICE YOU UP AND BOIL YOU DOWN
BECAUSE ALL MEN SHOULD BE DEAD!

Carpenters: ... [gulp]

[And the Carpenter Boss watches as his men are dragged off to the fortress to suffer a horrible fate at the hands of the vicious women.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! FLASHBACK OVER! FLASHBACK OVER! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP!

Carpenter Boss: And that's how it happened.

Link: [swallows hard] I... see.

Carpenter Boss: [huffs, glares at the bridge] Because those MORONS wanted to be in a Broadway musical so bad, the bridge is still broken, and they've probably all been used for target practice!

Navi: Bummer, dude.

Carpenter Boss: [sheepishly] So I was wondering... I'd really like to fix that bridge, and you looked like you were heading for the fortress anyway before you got whacked in the nards...

Link: [blushes]

Carpenter Boss: So if you don't mind, could you please bust my men out of jail? I can't really do much with the bridge without them.

Navi: [salutes] You can count on us, Carpenter Boss Man!

Link: He can?

Navi: Yes, he can.

Link: [shrugs] Okay. [and he points dramatically towards the fortress with his sword] QUICKLY NAVI! TO THE PRETTY SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN!

(Scene: Gerudo Fortress. A cozy, 23-bedroom stone-carved apartment building built into the side of the cliff face. The place is absolutely crawling with scantily clad Gerudo guards, as Link points out to Navi from his hiding place behind a rise in the rock.)

Navi: Now, let's buckle down, Link... The carpenters are in there somewhere, and we've got to find them and get out of here without being caught by the guards!

Link: [wide, glazed-over eyes, tongue hanging out of mouth, front of his tunic quickly becoming stained with sweat and drool] ... UH HUH... THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM, AREN'T THERE?

Navi: Yeah, there are... We'll have to be extra careful not to be seen!

Link: YEAH... I SEE 'EM...

Navi: [glances at him] Link, come on... Please keep your hormones in control! We can't afford to be caught because you're horny!

Link: [clutches at his forehead] I MUST... RESIST... THE CALL... OF HALF-NAKED WOMEN...

Navi: That's it, Link! You can do it! Self-control! Self-control is the name of the game, baby!

Link: I... I WANT... [begins to step out of his hiding place, arms outstretched towards the nearest guard] ... I WANT TO TOUCH IT...

Navi: NO LINK! [grabs him by the back of the tunic] DON'T! These women are loyal to Ganondorf! If they find out you're the Hero of Time, [hissing through her teeth] HIS GREATEST NEMESIS, they'll crush you like a grape!

Link: Grape... yes... crush me like a grape... must not... yeah, must keep control...

Navi: [sighs deeply, hovers out from behind the rock to get a look around] Okay, let's see... looks like the main entrance is over-

[She pauses, as she sees Link scampering off across the grounds]

Navi: ... D'OH! LINK!

Link: WOMEN! WOMEN! WOMEN! [unable to control his raging 10-year-old in a 17-year-old body's hormones, chasing after the nearest guard]

Gerudo 1: [standing on guard, holding her spear, filing her nails, when she hears someone screaming and running towards her] Hmm?

Link: WOMAN!! [takes a flying leap towards her]

[The Gerudo is not caught off guard. As Link comes hurtling towards her through the air, she lets out a high-pitched scream of "HIYAA!" and throws out her palm, thwacking Link in the nose and sending him sprawling out on the ground, unconscious]

Link: GOYHAVEN!! [drops like a sack of wet mice]

Gerudo 1: DIE MASCULINE SCUM! [pulls out a whistle and blows it as loud as she can] I'VE GOT AN INTRUDER IN SECTOR 5! INTRUDER IN THE COURTYARD, SECTOR 5!

[Navi flies over, waving her hands in a diplomatic manner]

Navi: Now hang on, ladies! Come on, ladies, give the man a break, he really can't help himself and-

Gerudo 2: [arriving to aid her comrade, pointing her spear at the unconscious Link] HA! He must be a spy for Princess Zelda, trying to bring down our great Lord Ganondorf!

Gerudo 3: [sees Navi, brandishes her spear] HALT, GLOWING BUGGY THING! You are under arrest for trespassing in the Gerudo's Fortress!

Navi: [raises her hands] Whoa there! Uncle, uncle, just don't hurt us!

Gerudo 1: Someone call Aveil and get the jail cell ready, we've got a torture tonight at 6!

All Gerudo: [beginning to gather around] YAY! TORTURE!

Navi: [sweatdrops] N-now ladies... come on! We're all women of the world here, we can settle this peacefully, without any torture now, can't we?

Gerudo 2: ... peacefully?

Navi: Yeah, you know... like, with PEACE?

Gerudo: [whispering to one another "Peace? What's that?" "What the heck is she talking about?" etc, etc,]

Navi: ... Jeez, Ganondorf's really got all your minds in a lockdown, doesn't he?

[There is an outraged scream, and all of the gathered Gerudo women brandish their spears at Navi]

Gerudo 4: WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT LORD GANONDORF?!

Gerudo 1: Lord Ganondorf is the finest ruler WE'VE EVER HAD! Anyone who insults or betrays him receives INSTANT DEATH BY TORTURE, BY ORDER OF THE GREAT GANONDORF!

Navi: ... How can you have instant death by torture?

Gerudo 1: ... er...

Gerudo 3: [swings at Navi with her spear] SHUT UP, GLOWING BUGGY THING!

Gerudo 2: [points at Navi accusingly] Perhaps the insolent buggy thing and her boy haven't heard about exactly what the Great Ganondorf has done for us!

All Gerudo: GANONDORF!

[They all give fangirlish sighs and drop to their knees, clutching their hands together near their hearts. They speak very quickly, as though they are reciting a poem.]

Random Gerudo: [throws some Rupees around] He's lifted us from poverty!

Another Random Gerudo: [displays her smiley-face tattoo] He's rid us of our misery!

Yet Another Random Gerudo: [throws a pair of handcuffs to the ground and stomps on them] He's given us our liberty!

Random Pregnant Gerudo: [pats her pregnant belly] He's gonna have a kid with me!

Random Gerudo: [thumps her on the head] For the last time, Misha!
[briefly singing to "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson]
Ganondorf is not your lover!
You're just some girl, claiming that he is the one!
But that kid is not his son!

Random Pregnant Gerudo: HMMPH! [pouts]

Hey, It's Another Random Gerudo: [motions at the fortress] He saved us from going on the run!

Guess What? Another Random Gerudo: [hobbling out of the Gerudo Pub, obviously drunk] He's made our lives a LOT more fun! -HIC-!

Gerudo 1: [steps on Link cruelly] He gives us prisoners to torture daily!

Gerudo 2: [at a mailbox, pulls out a letter] He's instituted postage mailing!

Gerudo 3: [gestures to all the Gerudo around, standing guard] He gives us guard duty so we're never bored!

All Gerudo: [sigh deeply, say in unison] THERE'S NO ONE GREATER THAN OUR LORD!

Link: [slowly coming to, sits up] Unh... My nose... [rubs his nose, whimpers] Did I miss anything?

Navi: [next to him, whispers] Depends what you mean by "anything".

Link: [hopefully] A strip-tease?

Gerudo 4: NO! [kicks him in the butt and pokes him with her spear] But you woke up JUST IN TIME to hear our famous "Ganondorf Kicks Ass" musical number!

Link: [hopefully] With a strip-tease?

Random Gerudo: [thwacks Link in the skull] SHADDUP! OR WE'LL TAKE OFF YOUR REASON FOR WEARING TIGHTS!

Link: [goes pale, nearly faints again]

Another Random Gerudo: [waving her arms frantically] SHHH! QUIET, EVERYONE! OUR ACTING GRAND MISTRESS O' MUSICAL NUMBERS IS COMING OUT TO LEAD US!

[An awed hush spreads across the Gerudo, who all bow down towards the fortress. A spotlight shines on an upper balcony, and Aveil (which was her name in MM, I dunno if they named her in OoT), dressed in green Gerudo-wear, steps out with a large, fancier spear]

Aveil: A-HEM!

All Gerudo: LADY AVEIL, GRAND MISTRESS O' MUSICAL NUMBERS!

Aveil: [sounding very proud and cocky] State the situation!

Yet Another Random Gerudo: [boots Link over on his hands and knees] MALE TRESPASSER WITH A GLOWING BUGGY THING, MA'AM!

Aveil: [snerks] I see... Chain him up for the musical number, then throw him in prison until we decide what to do with him!

[One of the Gerudo handcuffs Link and throws him to the ground, giggling maniacally as she does.]

Aveil: [bangs her spear on the ground] ATTENTION!

Gerudo: YES MA'AM!

Aveil: MUSICAL NUMBER FORMATION 96-B, "SPRINGTIME FOR GANONDORF!" ON THE COUNT OF THREE!

Gerudo: YES MA'AM! [turn to Link and Navi, salute] WATCH AND BE AMAZED AT OUR SUPERIOR MUSICAL SKILLS!

All Gerudo: 1... 2... 3...

[A loud, cheerful, classical musical-style piece starts in the background, and all the Gerudo break into a choreographed dance number. Why, it's "Springtime For Hitler" from the musical "The Producers"! Please nobody take offense at me using this song... it's a comedy, you're supposed to be able to laugh.]

All Gerudo:
Gerudo were having trouble, what a sad, sad story!
We needed a new leader to restore our former glory!

Gerudo on Left: [kneel]
WHERE OH WHERE WAS HE?

Gerudo on Right: [kneel]
WHERE COULD THAT MAN BE?

All Gerudo: [pantomime looking around]
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me!
[the beat slows down, and the Gerudo sing slower]
And... now... it's...

[A great big banner with a chibi image of Ganondorf winking repeatedly is unfurled in the background, and the Gerudo turn towards it and bow, then start dancing]

Gerudo 1: [tap dancing out in front, while the others form a dance line]
Springtime! For we thieves!
And Ganondorf! [does a flashy step]
The desert is happy and gay!

All Gerudo: [turn to the left and march]
This has become a much BET-ter place!
[turn to the right and march]
Look out! We're now the MAS-ter race!
Springtime! For we thieves!
And Ganondorf!

Gerudo 2: [tap dances out front with #1]
Winter for the rest of you freaks!

All Gerudo:
SPRINGTIME! FOR WE THIEVES!
AND GANONDORF!

Aveil: [in time with the beat, points at a few, screams into a megaphone]
YOU FOUR, THE DANCE YOU'VE PRACTICED FOR WEEKS!

[The beat speeds up, and Gerudo #3 and #4 dance out to join #1 and 2 in an intricate tap dance. Link and Navi watch, utterly stupefied as these sexy, extremely intimidating women ruin that with a cheesy musical number.]

Gerudo 3: [as the beat hits]
He's the answer to our fears!
The first male in a hundred years!

Gerudo 4: [as the beat hits]
Don't be stupid, be a smarty!
Serve Ganondorf, and life's a party!

[The music continues as the four Gerudo go into an obviously very rehearsed tap dance. The back dance line breaks into their own very impressive dance number.]

Link: ... Have they been... brainwashed?

Navi: ... They must have been. They're blind to all the destruction Ganondorf has caused!

Link: Either that or they don't CARE.

Navi: But this... this isn't right... the Gerudo were always chivalrous thieves seven years ago...

Aveil: [through the megaphone] SHUT UP DOWN THERE, WATCH THE NUMBER!

Link and Navi: SORRY! [shut up, watch in fear for their lives and... other things, in Link's case]

All Gerudo:
SPRINGTIME! FOR WE THIEVES!
AND GANONDORF!

[In the back, two Gerudo have wheeled out the carpenters on a cart with four sets of stocks on them. The ladies are holding whips, and they crack them on the backs of the carpenters to hit the rhythm.]

Carpenters:
OOCH! OUCH! YEEE-OUCH!

All Gerudo:
THE PLANET! WILL BE ALL HIS!
SOMEDAY!

Carpenters:
OOCH! OUCH! YEEE-OUCH!

All Gerudo:
NOW WE GERUDO HAVE MIGHT AGAIN!
BEING A THIEF'S ALL RIGHT AGAIN!
SPRINGTIME! FOR WE THIEVES!
AND GANONDORF!
YOU FOLKS! [point at Link, Navi and the carpenters]
WILL NOW FACE!
OUR WRATH!

Aveil: [grins, throws down her megaphone] Time for my big FINALE.

All Gerudo:
SPRINGTIME! FOR WE THIEVES!
AND GAAAAAAANONDOOOOOOORF!
[speeding up]
NOW, YOU INFIDELS ARE GOING!
YOU'VE GOT TO BE GOING!
TO JAIL FOR... TEN YEARS AND A... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLF!

Aveil: [does an amazing backflip down off of the fortress and lands on her knees with her arms out]
EVERYBODY HAIL THE GREAT LORD!

All Gerudo: HI-YAH!

[The musical number ends in a burst of sound, and the Gerudo sit as though they are waiting for Link and Navi to appreciate their amazing accomplishment.]

Navi: ...

Link: ...

Aveil: ... WELL?

Link: ... I can't believe a bunch of lovely ladies like you have nothing better to do in your free time than make up musical numbers to perform to your prisoners.

Aveil: [gasps in shock] HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR CHERISHED PASTTIME, OUR OVERLY DRAMTIC MUSICAL NUMBER THAT WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR WAY TOO LONG! Guards!

Link: [oblivious] I mean, honestly! Your training grounds have got to be the most famous and difficult ones around! And you don't use any of your free time in THERE? You look ridiculous!

Gerudo Guards: YES MA'AM!

Aveil: [points at Link, laughing spitefully] LOCK HIM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!

Link: HEY, HEY NOW, LET'S NOT GET JEALOUS JUST BECAUSE I- [he is whacked in the back of the head] OWIE!

[The Gerudo grab Link and begin dragging him off to the jail cell.]

Navi: [hissing at him] Oh, smooth move, Exlax!

Link: [whimpers] I thought honesty was the best policy!

Navi: Not when you're dealing with a bunch of spear-wielding PSYCHO WOMEN!

(Scene: A small jail cell carved into the fortress on the north side. We hear a tortured, girlish scream, and Link goes plummeting into it through a trap door in the ceiling. Navi follows close behind, and glares at the Gerudo who poke their heads in to yell at him.)

Gerudo Guard 1: Stay in there and keep quiet, stupid infidel!

Gerudo Guard 2: We'll come back to decide your punishment later!

Gerudo Guards: MWEEHAHAHA!

Link: [face-down in the dust, slowly raises his head and groans] ... WAIT...

Gerudo Guards: [stop, glare down at him]

Gerudo Guard 1: ... What do you want?

Gerudo Guard 2: We're not supposed to talk to the prisoners!

Navi: [hissing in his ear] Link... What the HECK do you think you're doing?

Link: [hisses back] Don't worry Navi, I've seen this work a million times! This is my plan to escape!

Navi: ... By talking to them?

Link: No... by pleading insanity and playing with their pity!

Navi: ... huh?

Link: [slowly rises to his feet, dusting himself off] Just watch and be amazed... These girls think they've seen a good musical? I'LL BLOW THEM AWAY!

[A rock whacks Link in the side of the head from above. He squeals, rubs his head, and glares at the two guards up through the trap door]

Link: OW!

Gerudo Guard 1: WHAT IS IT?

[Link clears his throat, brushes his hair back and smiles suavely at the Gerudo with a sweet, but very handsome gaze.]

Link: Ladies... Do you really need to lock me up like this?

Gerudo Guard 2: You're a trespasser, a man, and A MUSICAL HATER! OF COURSE WE DO!

Link: [gasps, as though he is offended, but speaks charismatic] A musical hater? Me? Oh, come now, ladies... I don't hate musicals! I love musicals!

Gerudo Guard 1: Outside you told us we were ridiculous!

Gerudo Guard 2: That's right! We're leaving you in here until you die!

Link: [clears his throat] ... Ah... outside... I'm sorry... I probably should have told you ladies before, but... [sighs deeply, gazes at them melancholically] I am certifiably insane.

[The guards are silent as they glance at each other, then back at Link cockily.]

Gerudo Guard 2: ... So? Most of our prisoners end up that way.

Gerudo Guard 1: [snickers] That just means we have less work to do on you!

Link: [glares at them, overdramatically] HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE TO ME?! I've had a terrible, horrible life! I'm so messed up in the head, I couldn't NOT break into your sacred fortress and try to overthrow your evil master's command...

Gerudo Guard 2: We don't CARE! [snorts] And besides! Just what kind of bad stuff could have happened to a dumb kid like YOU?

Link: [glances at her] You want to hear my story?

Gerudo Guard 1: [rolls her eyes] Just shut up and let us forget about you for a while, like, until you starve!

Link: [nods solemnly] All right then. [looks serious] I guess I'll have to do this in the only language you thieves understand...

Gerudo Guard 2: [gasps joyously] PAIN?!

Link: [gives her a cock-eyed look] No. Music. [snaps his fingers] MAESTRO! Cue overly dramatic musical number that I'VE been practicing for way too long!

Navi: [stumped] Link, what the heck are you-

[But before Navi can get her line out, all of the house lights turn off. A single, blue spotlight shines down on Link, who is now kneeling with his head bowed down towards the stage. Navi and the Gerudo guards stare at him like he's insane, barely visible on the side of the stage.]

Link: [whispering, as the chorus backs him up]
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide...
With no escape from reality...

Navi: ... OH.

Gerudo Guard 1: [stares at Navi] ... What?

Navi: [clutches her forehead] Of course... he's rehearsed this, wondering when to put it in through the whole musical so far! [punches the air] GO LINK GO!

Gerudo Guard 2: [eating popcorn]

[Link continues, slowly sliding up into an upright position, clutching his hands over his chest]

Link and Chorus:
Open your eyes...
Look up to the skies and SEEEEEEEEEE... [piano chords join in the song]

Link: [throws his arms out to the side, in a solo]
I'M JUST A YOUNG BOY!
I NEED SOME SYMPATHY!

Link and Chorus:
BECAUSE I'M...
EASY COME, EASY GO...
LITTLE HIGH, LITTLE LOW...

Link: [throws his arms out again]
AN-Y-WAY MY FATE GOES!
DOESN'T REALLY MA-A-TTER TO ME... [piano chords]
To-o me...

[Long, dramatic piano chords bring in THAT song. Yes. It's "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. This song is going to be a pain in the arse to parody, just t' let you know. ^_^;;]

[As Link sings lines, another spotlight lights up to his left, and the actress who played Link's mother back in chapter 15 is seen, pacing slowly, carrying a small baby in a green blanket.]

Link: [rises slowly to his feet, does intricate hand motions]
Mama...
She fled the land...
Couldn't stand the fire of war...
Came knockin' at the Deku's door...

[An actor dressed like the Deku Tree is seen in the left spotlight, as Link's mother falls to her knees]

Link: [building the drama]
MA-MA...
My life had JUST BEGUUUUN...
But before I knew it, you had gone... AWAAAAAY!

[Link's mother drops dead, and the tree carries the baby offstage. Link dances over to his dead mother and sings around her]

Link:
MA-MAAAAAAAAA!
OOOO-OOOOO-OOOH!
Went before the tree and cried!
"If I'm not here to care for him tomorrow...
Carry on, carry on..."
[looks glum, turns away as stage crew drags Link's mom away]
But life is sometimes like that...

[More soft piano chords. Gerudo 2, apparently a theater buff, has soft tears running down her cheeks. Navi is gazing on in awe, and Gerudo 1 is NOT impressed, staring at Link with a raised eyebrow.]

[In the left spotlight suddenly appears young Link. He is asleep on a makeshift bed, and a tennis ball with wings glued on, representing Navi, falls down on a very visible rope and hits him in the forehead as older Link continues]

Link: [paces back across the stage]
One day...
My fairy came!
And we left the forest green
To help some chick we'd never seen!

[Young Link and the tennis ball run until they run into young Zelda with Impa on a fake-looking horse, fleeing from Ganondorf on another fake-looking horse. Young Link looks very surprised when the Ocarina of Time comes flying at him, on another visible rope, and he catches it. The three Spiritual Stones rise up from his backpack.]

Link: [sinks down, looks ashamed as the whole Door of Time scene replays itself]
I triiiied, everybody...
BUT TO NO AVAIL!
I GAVE GANONDORF THE STUFF HE NEEEEEEDED TO RUUULE! [piano chords]

Gerudo G. 1: [bored] ... Oh, that was you?

Gerudo G. 2 and Navi: [waving lighters, sobbing heartily]

Link: [slides out on his knees]
THE NEEEEEEEXT- THING I-I KNEEEEEW! [piano chords]
Woke up in this time!
I NEVER GOT TO HAVE PUBERTY AT AAAAAAALL!

[He breaks down on his knees and cries as electric guitars light up the stage with fiery pyrotechnic effects. Navi flutters over and pats him on the shoulder, and even Gerudo 1 has to be impressed.]

Chorus Singers: [throughout the instrumental]
OOOOOH!

Link: I TRIED SO HARD!

Navi: Shhhsshhh, I know, I know!

Link: I DIDN'T WANT TO MESS UP EVERYTHING!

Navi: I know, you meant the best!

Link: I DESTROY EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I TOUCH!

Navi: That's not true, sweetie!

Link: I CAN NEVER TRULY LOVE!

Gerudo G. 2: [breaks down sobbing on the side of the stage] THAT'S SO TRAGIC! THAT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY TRAGIC!

Gerudo G. 1: [smacks her] GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

Link: [stops crying, whispers to Navi] Okay, get ready...

Navi: For what?

Link: For the plea!

Navi: Right!

[And then the song changes paces, to the infamous "I see a little silhouetto of a man" part! Rauru appears in the spotlight on the left, and sings.]

Rauru:
I see a sleeping teenage handsome Hero Man!

Chorus, Navi and Link:
ANCIENT SAGE!
ANCIENT SAGE!
WILL YOU TELL HIM HOW TO GO?

[Link runs over to the left spotlight and shoves Rauru out of the way, acting out his own part now as Sheik and Saria slide out to take up their parts]

Link: [whipping his head around to look at the cardboard cut outs of Ganon's Castle]
Zombie-humps and lightning!
VERY VERY FRIGHT-EN-ING!

Saria: [in an operatic voice, sounding shocked]
HE'S A HERO?

Sheik: [bored, lower]
He's a hero.

Saria:
HE'S A HERO?

Sheik:
He's a hero.

Saria: [faster]
HE'S A HERO?!

Sheik: [rolls his eyes and shakes his head]
Yeah, I know.

Link and Navi: [point into the audience]
AND NOW WE GOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OO-OO!

Link: [sinks to his knees, looks ashamed]
I'm just a young boy
Nobody loves me...

Chorus Singers, All Awakened Sages Thus Far, and Sheik:
HE'S JUST A HERO!
OUT FOR HIS DESTINY!

[Some chorus singers try to cut out to do the "DEEEESTIIIINYYYY!" thing, but the others stop them and keep them on the beat]

Saria:
SPARE-

Darunia:
-HIM-

Ruto:
-HIS-

Impa:
-LIFE-

Sheik:
-CAUSE-

Rauru:
-HE'S-

Navi: [fills in the rest]
-Really CRAY-ZEE!

[Link does the finger turning around his head "I'm crazy" sign and then goes on.]

Link: [glances up at the guards pleadingly]
Easy come, easy go...
Will you let me go?

Gerudo Guard 2: [sounds sorry]
Well, maybe-

Gerudo Guard 1: [irately]
NOOOO!
WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Sheik, Sages and Navi:
LET HIM GO!

Gerudo Guard 2:
Well, maybe-

Gerudo Guard 1:
WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Sheik, Sages and Navi:
LET HIM GO!

Gerudo Guard 2:
Well, maybe-

Gerudo Guard 1:
WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Link, Sheik, Sages and Navi:
LET ME GO!

Gerudo Guard 1:
WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Link, Sheik, Sages and Navi:
LET ME GO!

Gerudo Guard 1:
WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Link: [falls to his knees, begging]
NO, LET ME GOOOOOO!

Gerudo Guard 1 and some others who happened to be walking by:
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Link: [winks at Gerudo 2]
Mama mia, mama mia!

Gerudo Guard 2: [shrugs sadly, gestures to 1]
Sorry, it's her call, you know.

Gerudo Guard 1 and Chorus:
LORD GANONDORF!
GONNA HAVE A PROMOTION FOR ME!
FOR ME!
FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[And INSANE electric guitar chords blast as Link and everybody on his side head-bangs to the beat. Even the Gerudos are getting into it. In the middle, Link pulls out his sword and waves it threateningly]

Link: [hard rock style]
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, THE HERO OF TIIIIIIIME?
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP ME IN HERE TIL' I DIIIIIIIIIIIIE?!
WHOAAAAAAA, BABY!
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME BAAAY-BAAAAAAY!
JUST GOTTA GET OUT...
I JUST WANNA GET RIGHT OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEERE!

[Link, in an angry frenzy tries to jump up and attack the two guards, but he can't reach them. Gerudo 1 laughs at him heartlessly, though 2 looks sort of sad for him. He continues until he is panting and nearly on the floor in exhaustion, and the beat begins to slow down.]

Link: NO... I... MUST... ESCAPE!

[More electric guitars as Link pleads with the guards]

Link: PLEASE, PLEASE, I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE BAD THINGS!

Gerudo Guards 1: SHUT UP, BOY! You'll be in there until you rot!

[And finally, the beat REALLY picks up towards the finale as everyone, chorus included, pulls out lighters and waves them rhythmically.]

Chorus, Sages, Navi, Sheik:
OOH YEAH! OOH YEAH!

[Link makes a sad puppy face, and tears stream down his cheeks and he hangs his head as the two Gerudo guards turn to leave him.]

Link:
Life is such a challenge...
Nothing comes for free...
Life's a video game... [pause]
Life's a video game...
[looks up with a sweet, dramatic, heroic face]
FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

[Piano chords begin to fade, as do the images of all the Sages and people like that. Finally, it's just Link, pouting in his cell, and Navi in disbelief that such a dramatic song didn't work on them.]

Navi: I can't... I can't believe it! We're actually going to be in here until we-

Link: [takes a running leap, climbs up through the OPEN WINDOW on the other side of the cell, still singing]
Now we flee the win... DOOOOOOOOW...

[A gong rings, and the song ends.]

Navi: ... [in disbelief] That whole song was only a brilliant diversion to get the Gerudo to forget to check the open window?

Link: Yeah. What'd you think it was?

Navi: An attempt to make them pity you?

Link: [gasps] Please. I am a TRADITIONAL hero, not a TRAGIC hero.

[He snickers maniacally and pulls his bow out of Hammerspace, raising it into the air and getting an evil grin]

Link: I'm a lover, not a fighter, but when beautiful, scantily clad women THROW ME IN A PRISON CELL LIKE SOME COMMON CRIMINAL, THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY!

Navi: ... Please don't do anything stupid!

Link: HOO-HA! [He dives down into the courtyard of the fortress]

[A very loud commotion raises up from below. Navi sweatdrops profusely and waits there for a minute. Seconds later, Link comes crashing back into the cell from up above, his nose bleeding profusely.]

Gerudo Guard 1: YOU STUPID IDIOT! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY THERE?!

Gerudo Guard 2: DON'T MAKE US CATCH YOU AGAIN! HMMPH!

Navi: [flutters over to him, pokes him] ... What did I tell you?

Link: [giggles stupidly, blood spurting from his nostrils] I GOT IT!

Navi: What? The key to the cell?

Link: [reaches into his pocket and pulls out one of the Gerudo's SHIRTS.] HEE HEE HEE...

Navi: ... Oh sweet DIN, we're NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Link: [points at the sky] Yes we are.

Navi: ... Who says?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: DUN DUN-DUN DUN DUN DUN!

Navi: ... OH.

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI ESCAPED FROM THE CELL AND WANDERED AROUND THE FORTRESS FOR A WHILE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Inside the fortress, a little bit later. "Mission Impossible" music plays in the background as Link sneaks about, on his way to rescue the fourth carpenter... Jeez, I tired of that storyline pretty quick, didn't I?)

Navi: HIT THE DECK!

Link: [drops to the ground and covers his head with his hands]

[Both of them watch in suspense as a Gerudo guard moves across the hallway in front of them. Link very carefully and very quietly pulls out his bow and aims an arrow at her]

Link: Let 'er rip!

Gerudo: Huh? [she turns towards them, just in time to be THWACKED by an arrow right in the chest] AAAGGGGHHH! GACK-CHOKE-COUGH-HUUUU-*DIE*

[She drops to the ground in a heap.]

Navi: [flies out very carefully and pokes her] Yep, she's unconscious all right.

Link: [steps out behind her, making a face] That's a little bit graphic for an E-rated game. Shouldn't she be dead?

Navi: Nah. If we were going on a scale of actual injury severity, YOU would be dead about 10 times over by now.

Link: ... Zombie hump?

Navi: Yes.

Link: [shudders, turns back to the unconscious guard] Aww... she looks so sweet there on the ground asleep with an arrow in her chest...

Navi: But we have more important things on our mind right now! There's still one more carpenter for us to find!

Link: Hard to believe we've got THREE already, huh?

Navi: Yeah...

[They continue down the hallway, Link with an arrow notched in his bow and Navi checking around corners]

Navi: ... Hey Link?

Link: Yes?

Navi: You ever wonder if the readers feel ripped-off when we have the chorus fast-forward us through the tedious and boring parts of the scene?

Link: [shrugs] I dunno.

Navi: Like... maybe they really WANTED to see the overly gratuitous medley of Broadway songs, performed very badly by those first three carpenters.

Link: [cringes] They should consider themselves lucky.

[Link and Navi wander into a wide-open room with bars lining the wall. There is a frantic whistling from behind the bars]

Sabooroo: [waving spastically] Hey! Hey you, boy! Come here! Come here, boy, SAVE ME!

Link: Ah. Carpenter located!

Navi: Woohoo, then we can LEAVE!

Link: [stomps over to the cage peevishly] Yeah... We were supposed to be finding out some clues to the next temple, and all we've found is a group of very, very angry women.

Sabooroo: [sighs deeply as Link reaches the cage] Oh thank goodness you've come! I couldn't stand even one more day of Gerudo Pineapple Torture!

Navi: Pineapple Torture?

Sabooroo: [cringes] Yeah, it's when they take a pineapple and-

Link: [interrupts quickly] WHOA THERE, NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

Sabooroo: [reaches through the bars and grabs Link by the arm] OH I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! SO VERY HAPPY! ARE YOU HAPPY TO HAVE FOUND ME?

Link: [through his teeth] I'd be happier if you'd let go of me, NOW.

Sabooroo: [does so] I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but you must be pretty good to be able to get past all the guards around here!

Link: [slicks his hair back] That I am.

Sabooroo: Please, you, Mr. Really Pretty Good Mystery Boy... I shall sing to you my perils, in the hopes that you'll-

Navi: NOO!

Link: [interrupting again] Don't worry about it man, you don't have to sing! I'll let you out by myself!

Sabooroo: [beams] What a nice kid! I'm glad it's you who rescued me! [face drops] Oh, but there was something I was supposed to remember...

Link: [messing around with the lock, trying to open the door] What?

Sabooroo: Oh, there was something really important that I was supposed to tell anyone who tried to bust us out...

Navi: Really important? What was it?

Sabooroo: Ohhh, curses... hmm... ah... [thinking very hard] Oh! Oh yeah, I remember!

Link: What?

[A shadow falls across Link as Sabooroo speaks]

Sabooroo: You're supposed to be very careful when you're busting me out, because there's sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere... [pales] around... [gulps] ... here...

Link: [eyes widen] I don't like the way you dropped off like that.

Sabooroo: [screams and leaps away from the bars] WOO! WATCH OUT!

Gerudo Warrior: HIYAAAAA-

Link: AIE!

[And INCHES away from Link, a hooked Gerudo sword slams into the bars, very nearly chopping off his arm. He leaps backwards in shock, and draws his own sword]

Link: Holy crap!

Gerudo Warrior: [sneers at him, pulls out another hooked sword and dances around] What a foolish infidel, wandering around our fortress after we made it SPECIFICALLY CLEAR that he would be neutered if he did!

Link: [goes pale] -AH!

Navi: BEAT 'ER LINK, BEAT 'ER! Chop her up! Make her into feminist MEAT!

Gerudo Warrior: PREPARE TO BE CASTRATED, MASCULINE SCUM!

Link: [glares at her and snorts] I'VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU FEMI-NAZIS PICKING ON ME JUST BECAUSE I'VE ONLY GOT ONE X CHROMOSOME! YER GOIN' DOWN, BEEEEE-YOTCH!

[Fast-paced, techno-style version of the Gerudo Valley theme song as Link and the Gerudo Warrior break into a very theatrical, but very cool-looking fight sequence. Sabooroo is cowered in his cell like a wussy, and Navi is flying around, cheering them on]

Navi: GET HER LINK! WHACK HER! STAB HER! KICK HER IN THE HEAD! POKE HER IN THE EYE!

[The scene from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" goes here. And the fight scenes from all of the Star Wars movies. And the sword fight from "Pirates of the Caribbean"! And the duel with Knil from Chapter 19! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I AM SO LAZY IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!]

Link: [grinning, yelling as he fights] YEAH BABY! THIS is the kind of fight scene that I get into the hero business for! Here I am, defending myself against the violent advances of a beautiful woman with barely any clothes on!

Navi: It must be your dream come true. [rolls eyes]

Gerudo Warrior: [getting extremely cheesed off] AARRGH! YAH! YAH! HAAAA! [breathing heavily]

Link: [thinking] Weeeell... almost. I can think of ways to make it better.

[Suddenly, Link spots a switch on the wall labeled "W". He fights his way over to it and hits it with his elbow]

Gerudo Warrior: [suddenly stops attacking, goes rigid, then looks normal again] This is no way to prove which sex is truly greater!

Link: [confused] It's... not?

Gerudo Warrior: [throws her swords down] LET'S DO THIS HAND-TO-HAND!

Link: [blinks, then enthusiastically ditches the Master Sword] Whoa-kay!

[Navi watches, stupefied, as Link and the Gerudo begin wrestling each other. Link giggles stupidly the whole time.]

Link: [as the Gerudo grabs his butt] THIS IS THE BEST BATTLE OF MY LIFE!

Navi: ... You're sick. THIS is your dream come true?

Link: Actually... [pins the Gerudo to the ground, she kicks him repeatedly in the leg] I can think of ways to make it better.

Navi: Oh JEEZ.

[Leaving the Gerudo momentarily, Link runs over to the switch, which is now labeled "P". He hits it with his elbow, and suddenly, gallons upon gallons of chocolate pudding splash into the room.]

Navi: ... [disgusted] CHOCOLATE PUDDING?!

Gerudo Warrior: GERUDO PUDDING WRESTLING! YAARGH! [makes a flying leap at Link and throws him into the pudding]

Link: [covered in chocolate, wrestling with the Gerudo] THIS IS THE BEST BATTLE OF MY LIFE!

Navi: ... [rolls eyes] Can you please hurry up and win it?

Link: Oooooh not yet! [holding down the Gerudo in the pudding, he runs back over to the switch that now reads "G" and hits it.]

[Three more Gerudo drop into the room, they all make a flying leap at the first one, and THEY start wrestling in the pudding. Link stands back, tears flowing from his eyes, licking the pudding off of his fingers]

Link: THIS IS THE BEST BATTLE OF MY LIFE!

Navi: ... I think skipping puberty had more of an adverse effect on you than we thought, Link.

Link: [totally not paying attention] YEAAAAH! WOOHOO!

Navi: So this is your dream come true?

Link: [eyes the switch, which now reads "N"] Well... I can think of ways to make it-

[Navi slaps him so hard he spins around twice and then lands on the ground]

Navi: THIS MUSICAL IS RATED PG YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS WOMAN DEGRADING IDIOT!

Link: [bleeding out the nose] ... I got greedy.

All Four Gerudo: [stand up, dripping with pudding] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DID!

[And they all turn on him, kicking and squealing and beating.]

Link: OW! IT HURTS! STOP THE BEATING, STOP THE BEATING, OWIE, OWIE, OWIE! NO! STOP! PLEASE! I'LL DO- OW! ANYTH-

Navi: OFF LADIES, OFF!

[A fire hose (?) explodes from one corner of the room, and the four Gerudo warriors are sent flying out the nearest window from the force of the blast. The pudding is all washed away, and a moment later, Link's soaking wet figure is lying on the floor, twitching, still bleeding a lot.]

Link: ... [sits up very slowly] Am I dead?

Navi: [winding up a fire hose] No, you'll be okay.

Link: ... [eyes Navi suspiciously] Where did you get that?

Navi: Er... From next door.

Link: Next door where?

Navi: "Twenty-Four Masks For Young Link: The Majora's Mask Musical".

Link: ... There's no fire hose in Majora's Mask.

Navi: You want to argue? I could bring the Gerudo back-

Link: NO! THAT'S OKAY! [races over and gives Navi a hug] Oh Navi, you saved my life...

Navi: Awww. [hugs him back] Don't worry buddy... even when it looks like I hate you, I love you and you'll always be my best friend.

Link: Touching moment...

Navi: Yes... You're a good kid, if not a little off in the noggin, Link.

Aveil: [clears her throat from the other side of the room] AHEM.

[Link and Navi jump three feet in the air, and Link whips out the Master Sword when he sees Aveil standing in the corner]

Link: BACK! BACK VICIOUS DEVIL WOMAN, I'LL CHOP YOU UP!

Aveil: [gives him a backwards glance] RELAX, stupid-ass. If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it when you were hugging your fairy there.

Link: [blushes] Well, er...

Navi: [huffs] It's something you wouldn't understand, ya vicious little-

Aveil: Now, now, let's not resort to name-calling! [steps into the room, giving Link a smirk] You're pretty good.

Link: [eyes widen] I am?

Aveil: Yes. You're pretty damn good. I've been watching you sneak through this place... I saw you break out of your cell with that musical number, and I've been following you around.

Link: ... So you were watching as I busted up every single one of your guards, and you didn't do anything?

Aveil: Eh. [shrugs] But anyway, you're good. You're very good. You've got amazing fighting skills, and you MUST be a pretty good thief to be able to sneak around in here like that.

Navi: You missed that last battle, didn't you?

Aveil: What last battle?

Link and Navi: [sigh of relief]

Aveil: [shakes her hand impatiently] Anyway! I'm Aveil, Gerudo third-in-command, acting Grand Mistress of Musical Numbers, and two-time winner of the Funkiest Garment Colors in the annual Thieves' Guild Awards!

Link: Yes, green, a very nice choice!

Aveil: [whispering] Actually, my clothes change color when yours do.

Link: ... SWEEEET!

Aveil: [getting all riled up] But that's not important right now! I like you, kid. I like you a lot. You can sing like an angel... BUT FIGHT LIKE A DEVIL!

Link: Aw, thank you!

Aveil: And you must have come here to the fortress to show off to us, ain't that right?

Link: ... um... [glances at Navi] This is another one of those "Honesty Is Not The Best Policy" times, isn't it?

Navi: Yes, good boy.

Link: [lies through his teeth] YES!

Aveil: All RIIIIIGHT! [slaps him on the back] I'll tell ya what! You've impressed me so much, I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse!

Link: I'M GONNA BE IN THE MAFIA?!

Aveil: CLOSE! But no, I want you to join the Gerudo!

Navi: [gasps] Whoa!

Link: ... Do I have to wear the pants?

Aveil: [snorts] No.

Link: [sighs] COOL!

Aveil: [chuckles] But honestly! I used to think that all men- with the exception of the masterfully Great Ganondorf, of course- were useless and stupid... Just look at those idiot carpenters we caught a few weeks ago!

Navi: AAAAMEN!

Aveil: But now you've convinced me otherwise! We'd be honored to have a guy like you in our gang!

Link: YAY! NAVI, THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME!

Navi: GO LINK GO! [dances around]

Aveil: But of course-

Link: [halts] ... what?

Aveil: You'll have to go through our initiation first!

Link: [goes pale] ... What initiation?

Aveil: [pulls her veil over her face mysteriously] The most holy and sacred initiation that any Gerudo must go through... The most difficult task ever thought up by our most evil and prevalent leader, Lord Ganondorf!

Link: [swallows hard] Er...

Navi: [petrified] It's n-not... T-the fabled Gerudo Training Ground, is it?

Aveil: No, it's worse.

Link: [shaking] It's n-not... The Gerudo Pineapple Torture, is it?

Aveil: Hell no!

Link: So... what is it?

[As she speaks, the stage darkens except for a red spotlight, and Aveil's voice gets loud, echoey and dramatic]

Aveil: [screaming into her megaphone] "THE JUDGEMENT"! BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!

Link: [swallows hard] ... "THE JUDGEMENT"?

Aveil: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMM!

Navi: ... "The Judgement"?

Aveil: NO. With CAPITAL LETTERS.

Navi: Oh, sorry. "THE JUDGEMENT"?

Aveil: BUM BUM BUMMMMMM! YES! NOW, NEWCOMER- ... name?

Link: Er, Link.

Aveil: NEWCOMER LINK, WARRIOR OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN THE GREEN DRESS!

Navi: [sweatdrops] ... She DID see.

Aveil: PROCEED OUTSIDE IN THE COURTYARD FOR YOUR INITIATION, AKA "THE JUDGEMENT"! BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!

Link: [tiny little eyes] ... meep.

(Scene: Out in the courtyard. Link is sitting, tied up to a chair, in the middle of the entire Gerudo nation, who are amassed around him in a big circle. He's sweating like crazy, and Navi is floating above him. Aveil steps towards them, with ominous drum beats in the background.)

Link: N-Navi! They're... they're g-gonna get me!

Navi: DON'T WORRY, BUDDY! I won't let ANYTHING happen to you! If they try anything, I'll... I'll BEAT THEIR FACES IN!

Aveil: [bows to Link, motions for the drummers to play louder] Greetings, Newcomer Link, Warrior of Chocolate Pudding in the Green Dress!

Link: Um... hi!

Aveil: [picks up her megaphone, screaming into it while the others snap to attention] BEGIN INITIATION 231.5, FORMATION 24-B, HUSSLE GIRLS, HUSSLE!

Gerudo: [get into formation] READY!

[The drum beats begin to speed up, and Link is understandably about to wet his pants. Suddenly, it occurs to him that the drums are speeding up because the Gerudo are about to snap into another musical number.]

Link: ... the initiation is a song?

Navi: Shh... don't piss them off!

Link: [clams up]

[The Gerudo begin skipping around in a very organized march, to the drum beats which begin to sound like "Mickey" by Tony Basil. Oh GREAT SCOTT! CHEERLEADING GERUDOS!]

Aveil: [into megaphone] START CHANTING IN 3...
2...
1... NOW!

Gerudos:
OH, LINKY, YOU'RE SO FINE!
YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND
HEY LINKY!
HEY LINKY!
OH, LINKY, YOU'RE SO GREAT!
THOUGH USUALLY IT'S MEN WE HATE
HEY LINKY!
HEY LINKY!
OH, LINKY, YOU'RE SO FINE!
YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND
HEY LINKY!

Aveil: GREAT SOUND GIRLS, GET WITH THE MOVEMENT! EASY, NOW!

[The Gerudos all break into a fantastically organized dance number, and Gerudo 1 skips out in front of the others to do a solo]

Gerudo 1:
HEY LINKY!
You've been here for a night, and that's not very long!
You're a stupid kid all right, but why is that so wrong?
We think you're really cute, so you're welcome in our home, Linky!

Link: [blushing, grinning] They're singing an ode to me... [bursts into tears]THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Navi: ... THIS is the horrible initiation?

Gerudo 2: [joins the first one, doing her own tricky dance number]
Enemies we have to kill, when we see you we won't
Came looking for a thrill, with your fairy screaming "DON'T!"
But after what we've seen, we all think you're pretty COOL Linky!

[The song builds, and all the Gerudos do some impressive gymnastics moves. Gerudos 1 and 2 flock around Link and give him hugs, kisses on the cheek, and generally adore him.]

Gerudos:
Oh Linky! Ganondorf'll surely understand!
You kick some hefty ass, even though you are a man!
Oh Linky! You're so pretty, don't you understand?
YOU'RE ONE BUFF DUDE, LINKY!
So we like you Linky! Woo Linky! A dream come true, Linky!

Link: [smiling widely as the girls fawn over him] Remember what you said last chapter, Navi?

Navi: [not amused]

Link: I told you I'd win their hearts! I AM THE INVINCIBLE-

Gerudo 3: [right in his ear]
HEY LINKY!

Link: AGH!

Gerudo 3:
Might be the Hero of Time, but how would we ever know?
He's such an awesome sneak thief, which's what he's had to show
We beat him up a lot, but we really didn't know, Linky! [cuddles him]

Link: Oh, that's okay... [sighs]

Gerudo 4:
So we'll let you in our gang, just anyway we can
Though we're supposed to be exclusive, and hateful of a man
You're different from your kind, you've shown us so, Linky!

Link: YES! DANCE MORE NOW!

Aveil: NICE GOING, SOLOISTS! TAKE IT FROM THE CHORUS, ALTERATION 3 IN EFFECT NOW! BREAK!

Gerudos: [the front line are down on their knees swinging around, the middle ones are sliding back and forth, and the back row is doing gymnastics]
LINKY! Your sword lets off such shiny silver sheen!
It's nice to see a guy whose skin isn't olive green!
OH LINKY! We're up for a younger breeding man!
AND WE LIKE YOU, LINKY!
You are so cool Linky, woo Linky! A dream come true, Linky!

Link: [paling] ... NAVI... Did they just sing what I think they just sang?

Navi: They might be tiring of Ganondorf's tyrannical rule!

Aveil: [yelling into the megaphone at Navi] AND NO OFFENSE TO THE GREAT GANONDORF, BUT DAMN, HE UGLY!

[The other Gerudo glare at Aveil, and she glares back and yells]

Aveil: DON'T SLACK GIRLS, TWO VERSES TO GO! BRIDGE ON THREE! 1... 2...-

Gerudos: [a fantastical display of flashing lights and confetti]
OH, LINKY, YOU'RE SO FINE!
YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND
HEY LINKY!
HEY LINKY!
OH, LINKY, YOU'RE SO GREAT!
THOUGH USUALLY IT'S MEN WE HATE
HEY LINKY!
HEY LINKY!

Aveil: NOW GRAND FINALE, NICE JOB LADIES!

All Gerudo: [Aveil slips into one line]
Oh Linky! Ganondorf'll surely understand!
You kick some hefty ass, even though you are a man!
Oh Linky! You're so pretty, don't you understand?
YOU'RE ONE BUFF DUDE, LINKY!
So we like you Linky! Woo Linky! A dream come true, Linky!
LINKY! Your sword lets off such shiny silver sheen!
It's nice to see a guy whose skin isn't olive green!
OH LINKY! We're up for a younger breeding man!
AND WE LIKE YOU, LINKY!
You are so cool Linky, woo Linky! A dream come true, Linky!

[And the song gradually fades out as the Gerudo slow down one by one until they are all bowing at Link's feet. He's grinning like an idiot, and Navi is raising her eyebrows]

Navi: ... Once again, your good looks get us out of a scrape.

Link: Who da hero?

Navi: ... You da hero.

Link: YEAH MAN!

Aveil: [stands up from the crowd of Gerudos] AND NOW TIME FOR "THE JUDGEMENT"!

All Gerudo: BUM BUM BUMMMMM!

Link: ... That wasn't my initiation?

Aveil: It was part of it. NOW! "THE JUDGEMENT"!

All Gerudo: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!

Link: Er... what do I do?

Aveil: [runs up and whispers in his ear] You have to review our musical number.

Link: ... THAT'S "THE JUDGEMENT"?

All Gerudo: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!

Aveil: Yes! It is an ancient and sacred-

Link: It was great. Really great. I loved the part about not liking Ganondorf's green skin. It was on the beat and you guys dance really well.

Aveil: ... really?

Link: Yes, really.

Aveil: [into her megaphone, to the other Gerudos] HE LIKES IT!

All Gerudo: YAAAAY!! [celebrate enthusiastically, hugging and crying]

Link: [grins at Navi] I'm getting good at this lying thing.

Navi: You certainly are!

Aveil: [sighs deeply] That's good to know... We were going to perform that one for Lord Ganondorf next week.

Link and Navi: EEP!

Navi: [grabs her by the shirt] Erm... maybe you shouldn't do THAT one...

Aveil: [looks as though she is in deep thought] Yeah... maybe we could slip in that "Springtime for Ganondorf" one... he'll like that one a lot... Or something of the sort... something paying homage to the man...

Link: So... ah... [taps Aveil on the shoulder] Aveil...

Aveil: [looks up from her plotting] Yes, Sister Link?

Link: Um... that's "Brother" Link.

Aveil: Heh heh, no, it's Sister Link. Anyway, what?

Link: [cringes] I don't know what's worse, "Sister Link", "Fairy Boy", or "Soft Thing".

Navi: Fairy Boy.

Link: [cringes]

Aveil: [punches him in the gut] WHAT DID YOU WANT TO ASK ME!?

Link: OWIE! [rubs his gut] Yeah, er... I was wondering... can we go now?

Aveil: Oh, sure. You can come and go as you please to the fortress and our training grounds.

Link: Cooool.

Aveil: [stops, pauses] Oh... erm... I'm thinkin' maybe you should go pay your respects to Lady Nabooru first.

[There is a dramatic piano chord, like that was something very crucial.]

Link: Lady Nabooru?

Navi: Who's that?

Aveil: [thumps Link in the skull] WHO'S THAT?! She's only the second-in-command to the Great Ganondorf and the greatest Gerudo Thief EVER!

Link: Oh, RIIIIGHT... 'Cuz you're only third-in-command!

Aveil: The exalted Lady Nabooru lives in the Spirit Temple inside the Desert Colossus, which is an ancient sacred place to us Gerudo.

[BUM BUM BUMMMM!]

Navi: Spirit Temple?!

Link: WHERE IS IT?!

Aveil: [points at the huge gates across the compound] On the other side of the desert, past the [in a creepy voice] Haunted Wasteland!

Navi: [grabs Link by the hat] Link! This might be the last temple we were looking for!

Link: [crying] THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Navi: Avei-

Aveil: SISTER Aveil!

Navi: Um... SISTER Aveil! Can you tell us more about Nabooru and the Spirit Temple?

Aveil: Oh, certainly. Now that you're Gerudo, we can relay our secrets to you.

Link: Hee hee hee... [rubs his hands together]

Aveil: [picks up her megaphone] LADIES! "LADY NABOORU", IN 5! FORMATION 173T, I WANT A MASSIVE CHORUS ON THIS ONE, GOT IT?!

Gerudo: [hop to their feet] YES MA'AM!

Link: ... Do you have to sing it? Can't you just tell us?

Aveil: [grabs Link by the shirt] Listen, bub... It's so hot out here in the desert, we have nothing better to do than practice an endless number of musical... numbers. And if you don't sit like a good boy and watch them ALL, I'll make you fit in better with the rest of us by taking off something that the rest of us don't have!

Link: [gulps, has a seat silently]

Aveil: ONE! TWO! ONE, TWO, THREE AND-

[Lively piano music starts up, and it's "Lady Madonna" by The Beatles! It's been a while since we've heard the Fab Four, hasn't it? The Gerudo sing backup, and Aveil takes the solo.]

Aveil: [singing the main part herself, snapping her fingers]]
Lady Nabooru!
Second-in-command!
Lives in a giant woman across the sand!
She was a lone wolf
Thief back in the past!
Now as Ganondorf's servant she has been cast!
[snapping her fingers]
Seven years ago she was so gentle!
Then one day, her mindset had a change!
Now she's cruel and ruthless and quite mental!

Navi: [cuts in]
Doesn't that seem straaaaaaaange?

Aveil:
Lady Nabooru!
Dressed in gold and pink!
No one ever crosses her, now THAT would stink!

Gerudo: [singing the backup part as Link and Navi have a conversation. One of them plays the saxophone]
BAK BAK BAK BAKAW, BAKBAKBAK BAK BAK BAK!

Link: So she USED to be nice, but now she's evil?

Aveil: Yeah, she used to only steal from men, never women and children. Now it's all fair game, and she even kills people!

Navi: [whispering in Link's ear] This seems fishy to me.

Aveil: [proudly] Right now, she's working on a secret brainwashing project!

Link and Navi: [gasp]

Navi: That's horrible!

Aveil: [grins darkly] But still-
[singing again]
Doesn't that sound fuuuuuun?
Lady Nabooru!
Wise and pretty too!
She's what the rest of us all aspire to!

[More saxophone solos]

Aveil:
As long as orders Ganondorf's still sending
Nabooru will always back them, tough!
And if one of us needs some reprimanding...

All Gerudo: [ cringe and touch their backs, as though Nabooru had gotten to them]
SHE... GETS REAL ROUGH...
LADY NABOORU!
WHAT AN AWESOME GAL!

Aveil: [pats Link on the back]
Hope she likes you as much as we do, pal!

[The song ends in a saxophone and piano solo.]

Link: ... So... I have to go... TALK to this girl?

Aveil: Yep. Really, it's HER say whether or not you can be one of us!

Random Gerudo: I'd get going if I were you, Sister Link!

Link: [cringes]

Another Random Gerudo: Yeah, Lady Nabooru HATES IT when people are late...

Yet Another Random Gerudo: Ooh, don't forget to tell him about the two trials!

Link: Two trials?

Hey Guess What, Another Random Gerudo: Yeah... you must pass two trials in order to cross the desert!

Random Gerudo: [matter of factly] The first is the "River of Sand". You can't walk across it or else you sink in and rot into a mummy that they'll find years from now and hang you up in a museum!

Another Random Gerudo: The second is "The Desert Guide"! You have to follow it all the way to the Colossus or else you get lost and DEVOURED BY MUTANT CACTI!

Link: [gulps]

Yet Another Random Gerudo: But don't worry. You'll be fine!

[They all shove him out of their circle towards the gate.

Navi: [drags Link further out of the crowd of Gerudo] Come on Link, let's go to the desert.

Link: So, I'm abandoning a big cozy stone fortress full of beautiful women who love me to venture out into the desert and wander the endless barrens until I die... WHY?!

Navi: Because you're the Hero of Time, and our last temple is out there!

Link: [opens his backpack, pulls out the Light Medallion and glares at it] ... RAURU, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

Gerudo: [all waving at Link, yelling things like] GOODBYE! GOOD LUCK! DON'T DIE! WATCH OUT FOR THE RIVER OF SAND! CAN I HAVE YOUR MONEY?!

(Scene: Out in the HAAAUUUNTED WASTELAAAAND. Exotic music plays in the background as Navi fights her way through the blinding sandstorm, Link close behind)

Navi: ARGH! I can't see a thing!

Link: SAND IN MY EYES, SAND IN MY EYES!

Navi: We're supposed to follow the flagpoles until we get to the River of Sand!

Link: [rubbing his eyes] How are we supposed to tell the "River of Sand" from any of the rest of this sand?! There's SAND ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Navi: I don't KNOW... But supposedly, we can't walk across it!

Link: [frustrated, pointing around at all the sand] LOOK! SAND! Would you call that a river, Navi? LOOK! MORE SAND! AND SOME MORE SAND, AIEE, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN! QUICK NAVI, HELP ME FIND THE-

[Navi stops flying up ahead as she hears this. She spins around to see a green hat lying on the surface of the sand, and below it, a young hero's muffled screams.]

Navi: AIEEE! LINK!

Link: [muffled curse words]

Navi: [whipping her head around to look for anyone else] Ahh... ahh... Hang on, Link! I'll save you! I won't let the sand eat you!

Link: [lifts one hand, displaying the middle finger proudly out of the sand]

[Navi flies down and grabs the hat, yanking on it with all her might to try and get Link out of his predicament. Miraculously, she pulls hard enough for him to dislodge his head]

Link: BAAAH! [spits out a lot of sand] BLAAH! YEECH! Navi, HELP!

Navi: I'm trying, I'm trying... You're no powderpuff there, fathead!

Link: [makes a funny face, wriggles uncomfortably] THERE'S SAND IN MY PANTS!

Navi: There's gonna be sand in your LUNGS if you don't stop moving! [yanking as hard as she can on his hair to try and pull him out]

Link: No offense, Nav, but I don't think you're going to get me out of there by yourself.

Navi: Well, at least we found the River of Sand!

Link: [wriggling to try and free himself] Grrr... ah... if I can just get my hands on the Hookshot, I'll be good...

Navi: How do you figure?

Link: That conspicuously placed crate over there! [motions to it]

Navi: ... Oh.

[After a few good wiggles, Link pokes one hand with the Hookshot in it out of the sand, takes aim at the crate and fires]

Link: HERE'S HOPIN'!

[The Hookshot snags the crate and seconds later, with jet-force propulsion, Link is ripped out of the sand, across the River of Sand, and on his face in the sand on the other side. There's too much sand in this paragraph.]

Link: [head stuck in the sand bank] MMHPHHPHHHHMFGGGH!

Navi: This is a cheerful place!

Link: [pulls his head out, sneezes, blowing sand all over the place] WAAAAH, THERE'S SAND IN MY- [pauses] ... Okay, there's sand in pretty much everything on me right now.

Navi: Well that's one trial down! Now all we gotta do is find this "Desert Guide" thingy!

Link: And WHERE are we gonna look for that?

Navi: How about that tiny little fortress thing WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY off in the distance, past all this sand and all those flagpoles?

Link: ... This'll be a fun trek.

[Link stands up and brushes himself off, begrudgingly heading towards the next flagpole. An exotic beat picks up in the background, and a song that should be familiar (unless you moved into that radio-inaccessible rock from last chapter) begins to play. It's "Desert Rose" by Sting! The one with that crazy singing guy!]

Link: [singing, in a low, sort of angry voice]
Wish it would rain, oh-layee-ay-lay...

Crazy Carpet Guy: [randomly flies over a sand dune, and begins singing some backing vocals]
BOY SOME SHOWERS WOULD BE NICE-

Link:
Wish it would wash out all of this crappy grit
I'm in real pain, oh-layee-ay-lay...

Crazy Carpet Guy:
IT HURTS SUCH A LOT!

Link:
At this rate I'll have sand coming out in my-

Navi: [interrupts quickly]
QUIT.

Link: [squints to try and see past all the blowing sand, but glares at Navi]
I cannot see, oh-layee-ay-lee...
On top of that, there's no sign of any trees or grass!
There's only sand, oh-layee-ay-lee...
Sand that seems to like to lodge itself in my-

Navi: [interrupts, pointing at a flagpole that Link has missed]
PASS!

[Link continues along, continually sinking into the sand and having to yank his ankle out, getting his lips chapped, sand in his eyes and in every orifice of his body, and pretty soon he is NOT a happy camper.]

Link: [the exotic beat picks up and so does his singing]
This desert road, oh-layee-ay-lay!
Its destination, a guarded secret!
This desert route...
No in-between place has tortured me more than this!
The sand, it burns, oh-layee-ay-lay...
It gets into every orifice that I've got
IT REALLY BURNS!
It's so annoying- nothing's as it seems!

[Finally, Link seems to be RIGHT WITHIN DISTANCE of reaching the elusive fort- BUT IT'S A MIRAGE! He falls face-down in the sand, then sits up, a terrifying look in his eyes.]

Link: [continues the song]
This place just sucks, oh-layee-ay-lay...

Crazy Carpet Guy:
NOT A VERY GOOD PLACE TO BE!

Link:
I'm wandering round, in 6 square miles of sandy muck!
I'm out of luck, oh-layee-ay-lay...

Crazy Carpet Guy:
JUST DON'T GO TO VEGAS!

Link:
WHO BUILT THIS PLACE, CAN I PLEASE ASK THEM, "WHAT THE-

Navi: [interrupts, as the Carpet Guy flies low over them]
DUCK!

Link:
This desert road, oh-layee-ay-lay!
Its destination, a guarded secret!
This desert route...
No in-between place has tortured me more than this!

[A long instrumental, and Link is seen wandering around aimlessly for a while. Finally, absolutely given up, he collapses to his knees and lets out a wild, helpless scream and the last part of the song]

Link:
SWEET GODDESSES, OH-LAYEE-AY-LAY!
THIS PLACE IS HELL, IT'S HAUNTING ME TO DEATH!
I WANT TO GO HOME TO MY ROOM
BUT INSTEAD I'LL CRY AND SCREAM TIL' I'M OUT OF BREAAAATH!

Navi: Hey!

Link: [sobbing like a baby because he's lost] NAVI, WE'RE LOST!

Navi: ... we are?

Link: YES! WE'RE LOST! DOOMED TO FOREVER WANDER THESE SANDY BARRENS UNTIL WE DIE OF CHAPPED LIPS!

Navi: Um, but Link-

Link: DON'T TALK TO ME! I'M BUSY THROWING A TANTRUM! MAYBE SOMEONE WILL HEAR IT AND COME FIND US! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Navi: Link, you're right in front of that fortress thingy!

Link: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... eh?

[And sure enough, he is.]

Link: [hops up, a bundle of sunshine] YAY! Let's go inside so I can get the sand out of my tights!

Navi: [cringes] Ewww.

Link: And then, ONTO THE SPIRIT TEMPLE!

Navi: [raises fist in triumph] Yahoo!

(Scene: Five minutes later, Link has de-sanded his pants, and now stands atop the little fortress, squinting and trying to read a plaque on top of it.)

Link: "THOSE WITH EYES THAT CAN SEE THE TRUTH WILL BE LEAD BY THE DESERT GUIDE!"

Navi: Well, no worries there!

Link: I can't see ANYTHING, much less the Truth!

Navi: Oh, just try the Lens of Truth anyway.

[Link pulls out the Lens of Truth and looks through it, to his shock seeing... nothing.]

Link: [yelling over the sandstorm] I can't see anything!

Navi: Are you sure?

Link: YES, I'm SURE! There's no stinkin'-

[Suddenly, something cold and clammy taps Link on the shoulder]

Poe of the Desert: HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Link: ACK! [startled, leaps three feet in the air and whirls around]

[Hovering behind our hero and his fairy is a Poe... more specifically, the Poe O' the Desert, dressed in raggy clothing and carrying a lamp. He also has a small badge on his robes that says "HONORARY TOUR GUIDE"]

Poe of the Desert: -OOOOOOOO THERE! Welcome to [big dramatic voice] THE HAUNTED WASTELAND, Hyrule's Playground for the Doomed!

Link: [blinks, then glances at Navi] Um...

Navi: [points at the Poe suspiciously] Are you the desert guide?

Poe of the Desert: HOHOHOHO! [motions to his nametag on the other pocket of his robes] Yep, that's me, I'm the honorary Tour Guide for your Desert Vacation! But you can call me CARL!

Link and Navi: ... [wave very softly] Hi, Carl.

Poe of the Desert: [claps his hands] Hoo-hoo, it's been so long since I've had a tour group to work with! And a couple of live ones too, not the delirious, starving, thirsty suckers who end up dropping dead half way there...

Link: [gulps] Um... thanks?

Poe of the Desert: Oho, enough about me, TIME FOR THE ORIENTATION! SIT!

[Link and Navi obey, having a seat on the roof of the building]

Poe of the Desert: [pulls out a slideshow and elevator music plays in the background] Now then! Hello folks, I'm Carl, AKA Poe of the Desert, and I'll be your tour guide this afternoon! We're gonna have a great time today, okay? But first, we need to check over the simple guidelines posted for your safety!

Link and Navi: [nod, rapt with attention]

Poe of the Desert: [slide changes to show a nice landscape of the desert... SAND.] Now then, obviously, the desert is quite full of sand! Little sand! Hot sand, that blows in the wind and gets in your eyes and burns with the fire of a thousand suns! For that reason, I must request that you at no time LOOK INTO THE SANDSTORM!

Link and Navi: [nod]

Poe of the Desert: [slide changes to show some guy face-down in the sand] It is also, obviously, very hot in the desert! We should all be wearing cool, lightweight clothing in light colors to reflect the sun! We should also be drinking PLENTY OF WATER... At least, those of us who are still alive! And apply lots of sunscreen and chapstick, or else your skin will peel off and burn with the fire of a thousand suns!

Link and Navi: [nodding, checking everything off on a list]

Poe of the Desert: And here's the most important thing: I KNOW THE WAY AND YOU DON'T, so KEEP UP WITH ME AND DON'T GET LOST! I don't make special trips back to carrying your carcass to civilization, so let's not BECOME CARCASSES IN THE FIRST PLACE, EVERYONE FOLLOW?

Link: Yes, sir!

Navi: Got it!

Poe of the Desert: [straps some flight goggles down over his face] All right then, if we're all set and we understand the rules, let's get off this building and get through this thing, capiche?

Link: ... This guy's nuts.

Navi: Well hey, he's been dead for who knows how long. Give him a break.

Link: I hope he knows where he's going...

Poe of the Desert: Don't worry, Sir, I absolutely know the way like the back of my han- ... oh, wait... well, that's kind of a dumb thing to compare it to, considering that I'm just a shadowy figure and my skin all rotted off like 500 years ago... I know the way like my own fac- ... no, wait, there, again...

Link: [glances at Navi] We're doomed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT TO THE DESERT COLOSSUS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The Desert Colossus, AKA a really big statue of a woman surrounded by 1000 square miles of sand. A freaky apparition, the Poe O' The Desert, appears, waving his lantern to someone behind him. Link appears a moment later, looking absolutely WHIPPED- his face is red, his eyes are clamped shut, his clothes are filthy, and his lips are very badly chapped.)

Poe of the Desert: Well, here we are!

Link: [opens one EXTREMELY red eye, and glares at the huge monument] ... Joy.

Poe of the Desert: [in a very tour-guide-esque voice, reading off of a pamphlet] The Desert Colossus was built by the Gerudo people several thousand years ago to honor the desert goddess. Contained within her is the long and treacherous Spirit Temple, guarding the Gerudo women's two most valuable and ancient artifacts! It plays home to a pair of evil witches, a whole lot of creepy monsters, and most recently, Lady Nabooru, Gerudo tormentor of all things that walk!

Navi: Ooooh, aaaaah! [snapping pictures all over with the Pictograph Box]

Poe of the Desert: [tips his hood to Link and Navi] Well, folks, I hope you've had a lovely time getting here, and I wish you the best of times on the rest of your vacation in the desert! Goodbye!

Navi: Hey, wait a sec! What about when we go back?

Poe of the Desert: Sorry, Madame, I just handle the way here.

Link: [applying eyedrops] So how do we get back?

Poe of the Desert: Well, if you're going in to speak with Lady Nabooru, ya might not be COMING back, so no real need to worry about that!

Link and Navi: [gulp]

Poe of the Desert: CIAO! [vanishes away]

[Link stumbles forward in the sand, blinking and finally able to see again]

Link: I ain't gonna let no scary Gerudo lady keep me away from my last temple!

Navi: Way to go, Link!

Link: Let's hurry up and get this over with, shall we? We're already border-lining 50 pages...

Navi: [whistles] That's a LOT of crap.

Link: Yeeeep.

[Link and Navi venture across the sand, until he finally reaches nearby the huge statue lady. Dramatic music is playing in the background, and he whistles]

Link: Wow. She's got HUUUUUGE-

Navi: [slaps him]

Link: ... HANDS.

Navi: Just... go inside, will ya?

(Scene: Inside the first room of the Spirit Temple. The Spirit Temple theme is playing... DUH! Link ducks under the two evil pots that try to whack him, and runs up the stairs to where the path splits.)

Link: [glances to the left] Hmm... on this side, there is a hole. A small hole, that I will never fit through even if I tried.

Navi: Drat! There must be only one way in, on the other side...

Link: I COULD send you in there...

Navi: [snorts] Heck no! I'd be eaten!

Link: [whistles innocently, turns to the right] And on this side, there is a block. A huge block, that I could never push in even if I tried.

Navi: Which way are we supposed to go?!

Link: It's a PARADOX!

Navi: Argh... something's wrong... Something is very wrong.

Link: What?

Navi: Hidden temples heaping with treasure aren't supposed to be IMPENETRABLE! There has to be a way for sneaky people like us to BREAK IN AND GET THE TREASURE!

Link: ... that makes NO SENSE.

Navi: BUT IT'S A VIDEO GAME! THEY CAN'T JUST MAKE A TEMPLE THAT IS ACTUALLY, LIKE A REAL TEMPLE WOULD BE, IMPENETRABLE!

Link: Maybe we missed something... let's head back to the entrance and look for a switch or something.

[Link and Navi run back to the entrance, and for the first time spot messages scrawled onto the hoods of the two snake statues guarding the staircase]

Link: Aha! [points to them both] A clue!

Navi: [reading off of the left one] "If you want to proceed to the past, you must return here with the pure heart of a child."

Link: [reading off of the one on the right] "If you want to proceed to the future, you must return here with the power of silver from the past."

Navi: ... That doesn't make ANY sense.

Link: Maybe it's symbolic. Like, say... the LEFT side of the temple represents the past, and the RIGHT side of the temple represents the future?

Navi: ... [gasps with an epiphany] Whoa. That was... AMAZINGLY symbolic of you, Link!

Link: [grins] Why thank you.

Navi: Well... then I guess we have to come back here when you're a kid!

Link: But-

Navi: [heading for the exit] But what?

Link: [slowly thinking this out] The Gerudo HATE males. They HATE children. They HATE MALE CHILDREN. If I turn back into a kid, I'll be both MALE and a real CHILD. And no longer sexy...

Navi: ... CRAP!

Link: How are we supposed to get back here?

Navi: ... more importantly, how'd you get so smart all of a sudden?

Link: ... I'm gonna have to answer "Dunno" to both of those.

Navi: Oy... let's... just... go outside, shall we?

(Scene: Back outside. As Link appears from the temple, someone suddenly comes flying through the air and lands on the ground in front of him.)

Link: [gasps] Sheik!

Navi: [drools] SHEIK!

Sheik: [winks, clicks] WASSUUUUP?

Link: ...

Navi: ...

Sheik: [glances at them, puzzled] No, huh?

Link: Um... naah, I think you'd better just stick to your mysterious ninja shtick.

Sheik: [sighs] All right... just trying it on for size. [clears his throat, and looks mysterious] Hello Link. Hello, Navi... I see our paths cross again.

Link: Well, you ARE stalking us.

Sheik: [points] You do have a point.

Link: So! I take it you're here to solve this little conundrum of ours?

Sheik: I guess so... but first...

Link: Yes?

Sheik: Your fairy is... um... doing that thing again.

Link: [brushes the nosebleeding Navi off of his shoulder, she flops to the ground, twitching] Meh. She'll be okay.

Sheik: Right then... Well, Link, I must admit, I'm quite shocked that you've made it this far.

Link: [looks insulted] Well YEAH I've made it this far. I'm the Hero of Time, baby!

Sheik: But I was pretty sure you'd screw something up by now...

Link: [harumphs]

Sheik: If you can finish this temple, all six Sages will be awakened and it will be time for Ganondorf's evil rule to end!

Link: Yay!

Sheik: Anyway... we mustn't think too far ahead. I have another speech to make.

Link: Okay. [listens]

[Sheik's Theme begins in the background, and he speaks]

Sheik: Time flows like a river, never repeating itself, and you are never able to step into the same river twice...

Link: Like in Pocahontas?

Sheik: ... Yes. Like in Pocahontas. The Temple of Time is a ship with which you can traverse Time's river, and the Master Sword is used to navigate that ship.

Link: Tell me something philosophical and deep that I DON'T know.

Sheik: [glares at Link] Impatient, are we?

Link: Very!

Sheik: [sighs] In order to return here in your youth, you must learn this song: The Requiem of Spirit.

Link: [whips out the ol' Ocarina] Woot! Let's hear it!

Sheik: At least you like music.

[Link and Sheik jam the very pretty Requiem of Spirit. Requiem... isn't that fun to say?]

______________________________________________
__________________<___________________________
_________>______________>_____________________
______________________________V_______________

_A___________A________________________________


Link: [sniffles, as the song finishes] That was pretty. Thank you, Sheik.

Sheik: You're welcome, Link.

[They stand there in silence for a moment, and Link gives Sheik this... look.]

Sheik: ... what?

Link: [smiles very softly] Oh, I think you know.

Sheik: ... Oh Din, you're not doing that... that... [winces] THING again, are you?

Link: What thing?

Sheik: The THING where you keep switching crushes and... and...

Link: Oh, come on... you know it could work.

Sheik: Um... no, it couldn't.

Link: Why not?

Sheik: I'm not GAY.

Link: You expect anyone to believe that with THAT much spandex on you?

Sheik: Says the guy in TIGHTS and a SKIRT.

Link: [enraged] TUNIC! TU-NIC! [crosses his arms] Y'know what Sheik, IT'S OVER! I'll never have a crush on you again!

Sheik: Thank GOD.

Link: [sighs] I can't wait until Zelda comes back... I missed her sooooo much.

Sheik: [rolls his eyes] Oy. Well... Link, I guess I'll see you later.

Link: DON'T LEAVE ME, SHEIKLING!

Sheik: [backs FAR up, prepares a Sheikah marble thingy] BACK! BACK, YOU WEIRDO!

Link: [makes a dive for him...]

Sheik: AIEEE! [he flings the marble thingy at the ground and vanishes, leaving Link in a heap on the steps]

Link [sits up, grasping at where he vanished] MAAAALOOOOOON!

Navi: [has recovered since Sheik is gone, gets up, flies over to him and stares] I think those seven years asleep did more to you than we thought, Link.

Link: [leaps to his feet] Well! Now that we're both up and around and not-horny, let's HURRY TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME SO WE CAN HURRY BACK HERE AND FINISH THE SPIRIT TEMPLE!

Navi: [salutes] Aye-aye, sir! [grins] It's so great to see you so enthusiastic, Link! Usually, you're really whiny and looking for the way out. That, and your IQ seems to have gone up a WHOLE lot.

Link: Maybe I've finally matured...

[Link and Navi glance back and forth to one another a few times, and finally, both giggle.]

Link and Navi: Naaaaaaaah.

[And with that, they head back towards the entrance of the desert so they can warp back to the mainland of Hyrule... why are they doing that? Oh heck, who cares.]

Link: Something doesn't seem right, Navi...

Navi: What?

Link: It seems like it shouldn't be this easy to save the world.

Navi: Why not?

Link: I don't know... I feel like maybe we forgot something important... something we were supposed to do...

(Scene: Gerudo Fortress. Sabooroo is STILL in his cell, leaning against the bars miserably, slowly wasting away from hunger, even though there is splattering of chocolate pudding all over him.)

Sabooroo: HELLOOOOOOO... MR. HERO GUY IN GREEEEEEEN... WHERE DID YOU GO?! YOU SAID YOU'D LET ME OUT, AND THEN YOU RAN OFF WITH THE GIRLS... HEY MAN, I'M NOT GOING TO REWARD YOU IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT! YOU HEAR ME?! LET ME OUUUUUUUUUT! I'M WASTING AWAY! PLEASE, MR. HERO GUY, COME BAAAACK! DON'T FORGET ABOUT MEEEE!! Awww MAAAAAN... [sighs deeply, and begins humming "Look Down" from Les Miserables]

[A view of outside the fortress, where the Gerudo ladies are playing cards.]

Sabooroo: [screaming] THIS SUUUUUUUCKS!


~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 23 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~