Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty-One: Shadow Temple ( Chapter 22 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA!- The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Presided over by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-ONE: Hey Ocarina's Legal! -or- Link Goes Goth -or- SHITE! Ze SHADOW TEMPLE! -or- The Chapter With Mostly Really Loud Metal Songs That GG Doesn't Like That Much (And some Queen, naturally.)

In this scene...

Link, super studly Hero of Time!
Navi, the fairy!
Bongo-Bongo, the evilly annoying drummer shadow monster thing!
Various random dead things!
Impa, buns-of-steel Sheikah!
Brief cameos by Ganondorf and Sheik!
And lots of scary spirit voices!

A/N: Several things for this chapter. First of all, this chapter is dedicated to the people who read this story, even though they've never heard practically ANY of the songs I've used. I have rather picky musical tastes, so naturally, I like to use songs I enjoy for the musical. Just makes it easier. ^_^

Second of all, I am going to be using some songs in this chapter that I'm not necessarily fond of. Think of it as a little present from me to all you stoic, steadfast, hearty readers who continue to read even though you don't know "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" from "I'm Going Slightly Mad" from "Blazing Saddles Theme Song". Though you probably should hear all those. Good tunes.

(Scene: The Kakariko Graveyard. The stage is dark, and heavy rain is still pounding down in puddles all around the old tombstones. We hear footsteps, and Link appears from behind a large gravestone with Navi lighting the way like a talking lantern in front of him. The Ocarina of Time is clutched in his hands, and he's wiping water out of his eyes and hair as he makes his way towards the gateway to the Shadow Temple... ooooooohhh! Just a little too late for Halloween!)

Link: [sneezes] This is MISERABLE! This SUCKS! What a rotten place to put a temple!

Navi: I'm sure the ancient ones didn't mean to cause you any inconvenience, Link.

Link: There is no WORSE place than this right now! [sneezes again, blowing snot all over his tunic. No wonder it's green.]

Navi: Well, I dunno. You could be one of the people IN the graveyard. Like, UNDER it.

Link: [glances at her as they reach the gate to the ledge upon which the temple sits] ... You're so comforting.

Navi: [gazes up at the huge gate blocking the ledge] Well, looks like there's no way in but to play that song!

Link: WATCH ME! [tucks his Ocarina away, spits in his hands and rubs them together, taking a few steps back]

Navi: ... WHAT are you doing?

Link: I'm jumping the gate, of COURSE.

Navi: Why are you doing that? That's what the song is for, you nut!

Link: I don't need no sissy Diddy of Darkness to help me in!

Navi: "Nocturne of Shadow", remember? And this is how you always end up hurting yourself, Link.

Link: Name one occurrence.

Navi: [pulls out a copy of the script] Let's see... [flips through, holding a small umbrella over it] Hmmm... Chapter 17, in the Fire Temple, the Gasoline of Time.

Link: ... I don't think you're allowed to do that.

Navi: What?

Link: Cite the actual story. Something tells me that that has to be some kind of space-time continuum violation.

Navi: No... [flips through the script] Now, if I had flipped to the end of the script and told you what happens, that would be a violation.

Link: [tries to take a peek at the script over her shoulder] What DOES happen?

Navi: [pretends to read off of the page] "Sheik: Oh Navi, I'd never thought I could have such a wonderful time with a fairy. Navi: Oh, Sheik, my love, let us make little winged ninja babies!"

Link: [gags] EW! You're making that up!

Navi: Okay, you're right. It's you and Sheik.

Link: [lets out a wild shrieking gasp of terror] WH-WHAT?!

Navi: I'm just kidding! And anyway, you asked! [slams the script shut and files it away into Hammerspace]

Link: [shakes his head and flicks her] Don't say things like that! If Malon heard you...

Navi: Oh jeez, not this again.

Link: Not WHAT again?

Navi: You and your crush switching! It's getting really annoying!

Link: I don't know what you're talking about. Saria is the only one for me. [bats eyes, pulls out his ocarina] Now, about that Nocturne of Shadow, eh...

Navi: Hey, what about you trying to comically make your way over the gate?

Link: Joke was dead. Plus, I know that's how I'll end up hurting myself. [pats the ocarina] That's right. No more traumatizing, painful, but nonetheless humorous accidents for me! I'm going to stick with the niiiice safe song...

Navi: Not all songs are safe, though, you know.

Link: How do you figure?

Navi: Well, for starters, I feel one coming on right now.

Link: DAMN.

[A spotlight cuts through the rain and darkness and shines on Navi, who does a sparkly little number and bursts into an original, albeit brief song. My, it's been a while since we've had one of those, hasn't it?]

Navi: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...
[lively piano rhythms]
We live in a land where the music is power
Oh yeah...
[piano rhythm]
It can make it be daytime any moment of any hour
Oh yeah...

Chorus Singers:
DOOT DOODLEDOODLE OOOOO...

Navi: [breaks into a dance number]
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING LINKY LINKY THAT YOU'VE GOT TO APPRECIATE!
For you, boy, songs are the devil! And they screw up your fate!

Chorus Singers:
OH YEAAAAAAAAAH!

Link: [leans boredly against the wall and tosses his ocarina up and down]

[A line of female Chorus Singers descend to the stage to join Navi in song]

Navi:
Zelda's Lullaby, makes romantics cry
Cause it's all about Hyrule as it was

Chorus Singers:
OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

Navi:
It opens up doors when you see the Triforce on floors
And it even lets you get past the fuzz!

Link: [plays Zelda's Lullaby, in time to the music]

Navi:
Epona's Song, you see
Calls the horsie straight to thee
So you can ride her off into the sun!
But Malon called you Fairy Boy!

Link: [cringes]

Navi:
You're too easy to annoy
And it's also got you run over once!

Chorus Singers:
CALL THE HORSIE LINKY!

Link: [plays Epona's Song]

Navi:
Sun's Song
It's a pleasant tune
That can call out the sun or bring out the moon

Chorus Singers:
YOU PRACTICALLY RUN THE WORLD!

Navi:
It also can freeze
Those humpy zombies
So you won't have to scream like a girl!

Link: [glares at her as he plays the Sun's Song]

Navi:
Saria's Song
Goes on for way too long
To meet you and your best friend's telepathic needs

Chorus Singers:
OH YEAH, JUST LIKE "THE SIXTH SENSE" OOH...

Navi:
It's helped you open some doors
And I think, one time before
Darunia's dancing to it made your eyeballs bleed!

Link: [cries as he plays Saria's Song]

Navi:
There's no denying the fact
That your music is whacked
Songs are the devil, and they mess up your fate!

Chorus Singers:
YEAH, YEAH!

[A brief piano interlude, in which Link and Navi argue]

Link: So? That's not ALL the stuff I can play!

Navi: What else do you figure?

Link: I looked up on the Internet, I can play "Greensleeves" now!

Navi: What good is that?

Link: It SOUNDS cool! SO THERE!

Navi: All right, all right... stop talking to me, I have to get ready...

Link: For what?

Navi: For the next part of the song!

Link: When?

Navi: Now- [deep breath]
The Song of Storms
Broke all of the norms
And it made you make a wacky man get worse

Chorus Singers:
IT DROVE HIM UP A TREE!

Link: [gulps]

Navi:
It makes it rain
And causes weird hermits pain
So we'll know it's you who's riding in the hearse!

Link: [plays the Song of Storms, looking around suspiciously]

Navi:
And the Song of Time
This was our great crime
We played it and the Door of Time opened wide

Chorus Singers: [humming to Song of Time]
OOOOOOOOOOOO...

Navi:
And we all know for a fact
What happened after that
You grabbed the sword and got us both locked inside!

Link: [plays Song of Time]

Chorus Singers:
LALALALALALALALALA!

Navi:
But there's no denying the fact
Linky, your music is whacked!
Songs are the devil and they screw up your fate!
We wouldn't be in this boat
If you couldn't play a note
Songs are the devil and they screw up your fate!
OH LINKY, WHY COULDN'T YOU
LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE KAZOO?
SONGS ARE THE DEVIL AND THEY SCREW UP YOUR FATE!

Chorus Singers and Navi:
OH YEAH!

[There is a pause as the Chorus Singers and Navi wait for someone to comment, or applaud their masterful performance.]

Navi: ... Link?

Link: Jeez, what's taking you so long?

Navi: Where'd you go- AH!?

[He's already standing on the ledge near the entrance to the Shadow Temple, tapping his feet impatiently]

Navi: Urk! Sorry! [speeds up to stand next to him]

Link: Tsk, tsk, Navi. Getting so caught up in a musical number that you don't notice that something important has happened.

Navi: [whips out her script] Chapter 13, Perverted Poe Guy in the middle of "I Wouldn't Be Trapped In This Body".

Link: [turns red and fumes] Stop it!

Navi: Hee hee... Anyway... ONWARDS!

Link: [points into the temple] ONWARDS!

[He throws his sword over his shoulder and he and Navi race into the first alcove-room entrance thingy of the temple and out of the rain.]

(Scene: The Chorus Singers sing a quiet, gothic-sounding song as Link and Navi arrive in the alcove, with a pedestal and ton of torches set around it in a circle, in front of a big door with the Sheikah eye on it. Link hops up onto the pedestal and takes a look around.)

Link: Let's see. Mystical pedestal, big giant door, a bunch of unlit torches. I wonder what I have to do here?

Navi: Heeey, why don't you use that Din's Fire you picked up?

Link: Din's what now?

Navi: Din's Fire. The big pink crystal thingy?

Link: And when did I get that?

Navi: Er... During a chorus song?

Link: Oh for Nayru's SAKE, I need to start making a list of things that we sung through so I know what items I have!

Navi: You also have the Biggoron's Sword.

Chorus Singers: [quick rap beat]
GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Link: [glances at Navi quizzically] ... I do?

Navi: Yeah, the author inserted a chapter 19.5. You made a really big deal out of it too.

Link: ... Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Navi: My thoughts exactly... and you can test it out, too, once you get INSIDE the temple!

Link: RIGHT! DIN'S FIRE, COMING RIGHT UP! [digs through his bag for the spell, and finally digs it out]

(A/N: Due to budgetary constraints and the fact that the author is too lazy to write a description, for musical purposes Din's Fire has been replaced by an extremely large diamond-shaped firecracker labeled "DIN'S FIRE! HEAVENLY FUN FOR KIDS 16 AND UP! ASK YOUR MOMMY BEFORE YOU LIGHT THINGS ON FIRE!".)

Link: [examines the large explosive] Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet... I beat the age requirement by one year!

Navi: Way to go, pal!

Link: [squint at the last part] But it says I should ask my mommy before I light things on fire...

Navi: Oh?

Link: [looks puzzled and sad] B-but Navi... my mommy is dead... D-does that mean that I am unfit to use the fireworks of the gods?

Navi: No, no, I'm sure you're exempt from that. You're the Hero of Time, after all!

Link: Um... can I ask my guardian fairy?

Navi: I'm sure that's allowed.

Link: Navi, can I light this on fire?

Navi: Yes, Link.

Link: Yay!

Navi: You have fun now.

Link: Okay, let's see here... Set it on the pedestal [does so], CHECK! Whip out the trusty Zippo Lighter of Time!

[Doing a Hamel spin*, Link whips out the trusty Zippo Lighter of Time and lights the fuse on Din's Fire.]

(A/N: * I bet about three of you got that joke.)

[The fuse of the firecracker starts hissing and spitting, and Link holds his ears and hits the deck]

Link: LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!

Navi: Quick, outside! We'll come back once all the torches are lit!

Link: TEE HEE HEE! [giggling maniacally, he scampers out of the alcove]

[Din's Fire begins to rumble, an ominous noise like something about to explode shakes the stage. The Chorus Singers burst out in a very dramatic tune as the firework goes off, and there is a tiny pop.]

[Long pause]

Link: [pokes his head back into the alcove] ... That's... IT?!

Navi: ... How lame!

Link: [stomps back into the alcove angrily] That was SO not worth having to look at that hideous Great Fairy for five min-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

[In a great exploding fireball with a subsequent mushroom cloud, the shiny golden figure of the goddess Din appears from the firework, laughing maniacally and blasting a flame-thrower all around]

Link: AAAGH!

Din: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! WITH MY FLAMING ARMS I BURN EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

[Then there is a shrill screaming noise as the firework wears off and everything vanishes, but sure enough, all the torches are lit and the door at the far end is slowly crawling open]

Navi: [removes herself from her position smashed into the floor] BLEAH! ... WOOOWEE, that was insane, wasn't it Link?

Link: ...

Navi: ... Link?

Link: I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!

[Navi turns around to see Link, having been knocked INTO the steps by the severe explosion. His eyes are wide open, but they have become completely blue, and there is no trace of his pupils at all.]

Navi: Oh my God! Link, where did your pupils go?

Link: [waving a hand in front of his face] I think they burned away!

Navi: [flies over to him, frantically waving] Can you see me, Link? Is anything coming back yet?

Link: [reaches out to try and feel around him] Hang on, I think I feel something... [splat] ... Navi, is that you?

Navi: MMPHHRRGHGFGHHM!

Link: Oh, sorry.

[He releases her from her place smashed into the wall, and she straightens out her wings]

Navi: Ooooh, this is TERRIBLE, LINK! You've gone completely blind! We can't have a blind Hero of Time!

Link: Hey, hey, don't worry about it, I can... KINDA see... [he stands up and walks towards the entrance to the Shadow Temple] Okay... I can see the door, there...

Navi: Honest to Din, what a stupid joke! How are you supposed to beat the Shadow Temple like this?

Link: I can see just FINE! And anyway, at least we'll be going into the dark... I seem to be able to see more when it's dark.

Navi: [sighs with relief] At least.

Link: [unsheaths his sword and points into the Shadow Temple] ALL RIGHT, BONGO-BONGO, YOU BIG, STUPIDLY NAMED SHADOW SPIRIT! YOU'LL PAY FOR GIVING ME A WEDGIE LAST CHAPTER! I'M COMIN' TO GET YA!

[He prepares to race into the temple, but misjudges his perception and slams right into the wall, face-first.]

Link: [from a new position on the floor] ... I hate Galaxy Girl.

Navi: Don't worry, Link. I've got an idea. Remember those eyedrops we had to make for Biggoron two chapters a-

[Sudden view of the entire land of Hyrule, with big green letters appearing in the sky over Kakariko Village]

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI ORDERED SOME EYEDROPS FROM THE HYRULE PARCEL SERVICE AND REQUESTED THAT WE NOT GET BACK TO THEM UNTIL THEY WERE ACTUALLY INSIDE THE TEMPLE AND AWAY FROM ANY IDIOTIC BEGINNINGS...

WHICH IS NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The first dark, creepy corridor in the Shadow Temple. A phantom drumming emanates from the walls, and slow piano music is playing as Link and Navi step carefully along, glancing through the Lens of Truth every so often.)

Navi: [sees the first illusionary wall, with the big creepy face on it] What a warm welcome.

Link: Everything about this place makes me all warm and fuzzy.

Navi: D'ya think it'll be worse than... [gulps] Inside the well?

Link: GYAACK! No... This is a graveyard. At least dead things are SUPPOSED to be in here!

Navi: And no one is drinking out of here, either.

Link: [leans up against the wall and glances through the Lens at the door] That door's a fake... we can walk right through-

Creepy Vincent Price Voice: SHADOW TEMPLE...

Link and Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Link: OMIGOD IT'S VINCENT PRICE EVERYBODY HIIIIDE!

Creepy VP Voice: YEEEEEEES... BE AFRAID... BE AFRAID OF THE SHADOWS... THE SHADOW KNOWS... YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS...

Navi: ... Calm down, Link. I think it's just a dead guy talking to us.

Link: That doesn't exactly sound like anything to be calm about.

Navi: Hey, dead people talk to me all the time.

Link: You hear dead people?!

Navi: I believe we used that joke... [voice gets quiet] And yes... If you'll just listen to the wind sometimes, you can hear them... especially in a place like this...

Creepy VP Voice: I BELIEVE I WAS STILL TALKING.

Link: [pays attention suddenly] Oh yeah, sorry Mr. Price. What's up?

Creepy VP Voice: SHADOW TEMPLE... HYRULE'S BLOODY HISTORY OF GREED AND HATRED COMES TO LIGHT...

Navi: ... Okay.

Link: Is that all?

Creepy VP Voice: YES.

Link: All right, whatever you say.

[As Link and Navi step through the illusionary wall, the piano music gets louder and everybody who hasn't been living under a rock without radio access recognizes it as "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence, just the first in a very long medley of creepy songs.]

Navi: [glances around uneasily at the cheerful decorating job of skulls lining the walls]
IIIII've never seen so many eyes
Like this before...

Link:
Neeeeeever seen so many dead guys
Behind a single door...

[Rock and roll guitars start up in the background as Link approaches the big rotating bird statue near all the skull pegs]

Link: [keep a close eye through the Lens of Truth as he spins the statue, which is triggering a bunch of creepy lighting effects across the stage]
I'll watch my soul!
I've never been somewhere so cold!
I'd never have guessed from outside
That there would be... so... much... mold.

[There is an explosion of lighting and sound as a bunch of dancers dressed as various creatures of the night pop out from all corners and Link draws his sword, sliding out on his knees and screaming]

Link: SO MUCH STUFF!

Navi:
THERE'S DEAD STUFF INSIDE!

Link: [screams] THEY'RE WAKING UP!

Navi:
THERE'S DEAD STUFF INSIDE!

Link: [points at a crowd of Redeads coming towards them] SAAAAAAVE ME!

Navi:
ONLY WE CAN CUT RIGHT THROUGH THE DARK!
[screams and points]
TURN YOUR HEELS AND RUN!

Link: WAY AHEAD OF YOU!

Navi:
BEFORE WE COME UNDONE!

Link: [pounding on the walls, searching for the illusionary one] SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEE!

Navi:
SAVE US FROM THE DEAD THINGS THAT ARE UN!

[A pause in the music as Link stumbles through the fake wall at last and finds himself in another burial area with lots of skulls in the walls]

Link: GYUUCK! Who in the HECK put all these dead people in here?!

Navi: Well, Dampé WAS the gravedigger.

Link: HE WAS ONE SICK LITTLE MONKEY! They're SKULLS, not LEGOS! [stares around at the walls with the Lens of Truth, nods and points at a fake one] Aha!

Navi: [shivering, sticking very close to him] L-Link, I sense something horrible around here...

Link: Don't worry, I'll protect you! [he kicks in one of the doors that looks like an insane asylum door... Don't they? DON'T THEY?] There's nothing in here that I can't-

Random Redead 1: AAAAGGGH!

Random Redead 2: UUUUHHHHNNNNN...

Link: [screaming like a woman] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEE!

Navi: YOW! HUMPY-ZOMBIES!

Link: [his face pales severely]
JUST NOT THOSE! NO-
[to the tune of "In The End" by Linkin Park]
THE ONE THING!
I don't know why!
The only monster that makes even me cry!
Those big creepy zombies with their rotting faces
Always found in the grime!

Navi:
Oh Link, calm down-

Link: [draws his sword, backs towards the door and jiggles the bar nervously]
I freeze in my boots unable to fight
I dream about those pedophiles every night!
I reminisce the time I learned the Sun's Song
And everything went wrong!

Navi:
It's not that baaaaaaaaaaad-

Link: [sweating, shaking, his heartbeat rises as the Redeads walk towards him]
Looked like a regular hole
And I stepped in the room and I didn't know
I tried to get away, but I didn't getta go
I was frozen in place cause I went too slow!

[Link closes his eyes, covers his ears and continues, rocking back and forth as the Redeads come closer, their creepy undead eyes glaring at Link like a piece of meat]

Navi:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link:
I tried to keep my fear inside!
And even though I tried it all fell apart!
When I see a zombie I'll eventually be
Screaming, with memory of that time-

Navi:
YOU HATE THESE THIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

[At this second, the Redeads grow tired of Link's rap metal and leap at him. He screams in terror and jumps out of the way, glaring at them and pulling out his sword to attack]

Link:
I HATE THESE THINGS!
THEY ATTACKED ME!
[points at his butt]
IN THE END-

Navi: [adds very quickly]
At least, that's what it looked like!

Link:
THEY SUCKED MY BLOOD!
AND MADE WEIRD NOISE!
[points at his butt again]
IN THE END-

Navi: [adds very quickly again]
At least that's what it looked liiiiii-iii-iiiiike!

Link: I HATE YOU THINGS! DIE! NOW!

[With a very impressive flip in the air, Link slams his sword down on one of the two Redeads, slicing it neatly in half lengthwise. The other one pauses and Link screams, slicing it in half widthwise. A treasure chest rises from the ground]

Link: [panting, with bloodshot eyes, face still extremely pale] TAKE... THAT!

Navi: ... Wow, Link. Way to face your fears!

Link: NOBODY... MOLESTS... ME... AS... A... CHILD... AND... GETS... AWAY... WITH IT!

Navi: [pats Link on the shoulder] There, there, my friend. It's okay!

Link: [tears up] I... I just kept seeing them in my head, and... and... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Scene: Blah, blah, blah, and then they reached the room with another Dead Hand.)

Link: [tiptoes into the room quietly] This seems oddly familiar.

Navi: ... [eyes widen] Are those ARMS poking up out of the ground?

Link: ... is this what I think it is?

Navi: I have a plan!

Link: [waves her off] Save it, you might need it someday!

Navi: [fwaps him] Like now, stupid... Peek through the Lens real quick.

Link: [does so, points at the ground a little ways off] There is a big black splotchy thing right there.

Navi: Throw a bomb at it.

Link: Hey, I like this plan! [reaches into his bomb bag and flings a lit bomb at the spot]

[For your reference, this actually works in OoT! On contact, there is a loud GREEARRGGHRRNNN! sound...]

Dead Hand: GREEARRGGHRRNNN!

[And Dead Hand comes popping up out of the ground in a big swirly explosion of dirt]

Dead Hand: [glances around, sees Link and narrows its eyes, begins dancing towards them]

Link: ... HEEEEEY! MARSHMALLOW-BUTT AGAIN!

Navi: AHAHA, I KNEW IT! Who da fairy?!

Link: You da fairy!

Dead Hand: GREEARRGGGHHHHHNNN! [waddling towards Link, apparently very angry]

Navi: ... Looks like someone wants to play.

Link: CUE GRATUITOUS SONG THAT WILL EVENTUALLY LEAD BACK TO THE MAIN ONE!

[Hard rock guitars slam in the background. It's "Satellite" by POD! Thanks to my sister for actually having this CD!]

Link: [whips out the Biggy, cause he feels like it, slides out on his knees and bursts out into a scream to begin the song]
SUB-BOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
SUB-BOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Every time!
I'm in a dungeon for a while
And I start to lose hope for the place
Only one thing is clear
Even though I think I'm wasting time
Once I get there, I know the thing is mine
It makes me so happy!
When I come in to see!
That there's some dumb big guy
Who wants a piece of me!
You know I can't run, once the fight has begun
It's a nice little warm up for an upcoming one
Sub-bosses aren't that bad!
It's really kind of sad!
They really try but
I know that they're total wimps!
[turns to Navi]
Navi, you got me, right?

Navi: MMHMM!

Link: [gestures for her to move]
Just move your light aside!
Hey monster, come face me!

Dead Hand: GREEAARRGGGHHH! [waddles over and lowers his head to bite Link]

[Link pokes Dead Hand in the forehead, and it stops, twitching for a minute and jiggling scarily. Oooh, see the terrifying jiggle. Flee all, flee!]

Link:
As I look over this guy today
Hey, pal, I see you lookin' down on me!
It brings a smile to my face again
S-S-S-SUB-BOSS FIGHT!

[Link whips out the Biggy and holds it over his head. Thunder and lightning crash in awe of the amazingly cool sword, and Dead Hand makes a terrified expression and tries to waddle away]

Link:
SUB-BOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
SUB-BOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
JUST WHACK IT-

BAM!

Dead Hand: GREEARRRG- [ka-DIE!]

[The music cuts out, and Link and Navi are left standing in an empty skull room with some melting whitish crap on the floor and a treasure chest at the far end.]

Link: [glances at the remains of Dead Hand curiously]

Navi: Link... no. You already tried eating that one.

Link: I wasn't gonna!

Navi: Yeah, sure you weren't.

Link: Well-well! [struts over to the treasure chest and whips it open] Let's see what kind of ancient weapon of mass destruction the powers that be have provided me with this time, eh?

Navi: [flutters over his shoulder] What is it?

Link: [pulls the Hover Boots out of the chest] ... Boots! With wings on them!

Navi: Oh! [claps her hands] Those must be the legendary Hover Boots!

Link: [rubs off a spot on one of them with his sleeve] Oooooh... what do they, like... float in the air, and then at my command, they fly over and kick the bad guy in the butt when he's not looking?

Navi: Um... no. They're boots.

Link: [examining them carefully] Oh, I get it. These are like, the sacred key to unlock some legendary shoe store... and inside are the Self-Kicking Boots!

Navi: [scratches her head] No, actually, Link, I think they're just boots.

Link: [glances at her like he doesn't understand] ... Do they explode?

Navi: No, I think they're just plain boots. You put them on your feet so that rocks and sticks won't poke you and make you hurt.

Link: ... Well THAT'S pretty lame!

Navi: But they are shiny!

Link: WHO CARES ABOUT SHINY?! [glares up at the ceiling, shakes his fist] GREAT JOB, YOU LAZY-ASS TEMPLE BUILDERS! I CAME ALL THE WAY IN HERE FOR THIS?! A PAIR OF SHOES!?

Navi: Not to get technical, but we've only been in this temple for about 10 minutes.

Link: ARGH!

[Link throws the boots to the floor, but instead of hitting the ground, they hover about 6 inches above it, with a neat shiny glow beneath them]

Navi: Hey, check it out!

Link: [glances down at the boots, and grins] Heeey, neat! Look, they're like... hovering!

Navi: That was a stretch.

Link: [picks them up again, quickly throws off his shoes and slips the Hover Boots on over his Pokemon socks] D'ya think, maybe, if I wear these, I'LL hover too?!

Navi: Oh, by all means!

[Very carefully, Link stands up and sure enough, he's hovering over the ground about six inches]

Link: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

Navi: How's THAT for a neat legendary treasure, Link?

Link: VERY nice! [he attempts to take a step, in one direction, but since he's hovering, he doesn't move] Um... let me figure this out... [steps at a more brisk pace, but he still remains in place]

Navi: Uh... Need some help?

Link: Absolutely not, I got it under control! [he starts to run, still going in place] AARRGH! DAMN THINGS! I WANT TO LEEEEEEAVE!

Navi: Hold up, hold up! Stop running! Let me check the switch...

Link: [stares at Navi as she flies down to look at the boots] What switch?

Navi: Oh, look. The switch is set from "GAME" to "PHYSICS".

Link: Oh. [slaps his forehead] No wonder they wouldn't work!

[Navi quickly switches them back, and miraculously defying all laws of physics and nature, Link is now walking a few inches off the ground as they make their way back to the first room of the temple, and further in]

Navi: Those should be useful!

Link: Ha, I'd like to see the author make me trip and hurt myself in these!

[As they walk through the skull room, there is now a message written in blood on the wall]

I CONSIDER THAT A CHALLENGE

Link: [eyes the message suspiciously] ... Was that there before?

Navi: Was what where before?

Link: Er... never mind.

(Scene: Fast-forward, and Link and Navi are racing through a dark hallway lined with Skulltulas and guillotines. "Bring Me To Life" is back.)

Link:
Now that I know my way around
I am on my way!

Navi:
We've got eyes that can see the truth
So we're not scared of... dead... things...

[The guillotines slash and chop up and down in a rhythmic chorus of noise, as the chorus picks up again and Link artfully dodges them all]

Link: Go chop-chop!

Navi:
THERE'S DEAD STUFF INSIDE!

Link: I can't be stopped!

Navi:
THERE'S DEAD STUFF INSIDE!

Link: [as a Skulltula hisses and pops down RIGHT in front of him] SAAAAAVE ME!

Navi:
WAKE THE SAGE AND SAVE HYRULE FROM DARK!

[They reach the really, really, really big cavern room with all the guillotine platforms and the Wallmasters that drop down. Link gulps nervously, leaps for the first platform, and grabs on, nearly slipping down]

Link: AH! HELP ME UP!

Navi: [pulls him up by the tunic]
BREAK INTO A RUN!

Link: [does so, ducking, dodging and weaving from the guillotines] Way ahead of you!

Navi:
BEFORE WE COME UNDONE!

Link: ARGH! [as he reaches the last platform, a Stalfos leaps out at him with its sword drawn] SAAAAAVE MEEEE!

Navi:
IMPA, WE'RE COMING TO SAVE YOU, HON!

[As Link battles the Stalfos, quite dramatically, the chorus and Navi back them up]

Chorus Singers, Navi:
SHADOWS... IN...SIDE...
WE'RE... IN... FOR... A... RIDE...

Creep Vincent Price Voice: [echoes over everything]
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE...
YOUR SOULS WILL BE MINE...

[The Stalfos finally falls, and Link hops onto the rising and falling platform, riding all the way to the top and then leaping off in a grandiose display of courage and heroic valor.]

(Scene: The room with the pair of spiked smasher thingies. Link swallows heavily when he sees them.)

Link: I have to get past... THOSE?

Navi: [twitches] Looks that way...

Link: [pauses for a moment to watch the two tremendous meat tenderizers slamming down alternately, way too fast for him to run] ... You gotta be kidding me.

Navi: ... Nope.

Link: ... I'LL BE GROUND UP INTO HEAD CHEESE!

Navi: [pokes him] More like head MEAT, actually...

Link: [swats her away, glaring] Not funny.

Navi: Well, actually... you've put on a few pounds, more like head LARD.

Link: [huffs, yells at her] DO YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE!? I'm about to risk my life to save a country I'm not officially a part of and a woman I've only met once before!

Navi: [is about to speak]

Link: [interrupts her] Though I realize that Kokiri Forest IS technically a PROVINCE of Hyrule, and that I AM a Hylian so this actually IS my country I'm trying to save... I also realize that Impa is incredibly muscular and hot, and I would probably be trying to save her anyway, even if I DIDN'T have to...

Navi: [interrupts him] Hey, look! [gestures to a cryptic sign] A cryptic sign!

Link: Oh, really? [he strolls over and glances at the sign] "Those with the eye of truth will be able to find the stone umbrella to protect them from the rain of blows."

Navi: How cryptic.

Link: And yet, extremely obvious! [he whips out the ol' Lens of Truth] Okay... stone umbrella... AHA!

Navi: What?

[Link runs over to the wall, where he grabs onto and pulls out a large crescent block, large enough for him to use to save himself from the great smashing things.]

Link: YAY! MY HIDE IS SAVED!

Navi: Well, kudos to the Temple Makers for providing such a good cryptic sign and subsequent life-saving trap-disrupter!

[Very carefully, stopping every once and a while to do the math equations, Link lines up the block so that it is directly in the center of the two walls on either side, and prepares to push it in.]

Link: Well Navi, wish me luck...

Navi: Good luck, Link! [hugs him] I hope you don't die!

Link: Not as much as I do... [sighs, spits on his hands, makes a determined face and grabs hold of the block.] READY, NAVI!?

Navi: READY, LINK! [she salutes]

[And with that, Link begins to shove the block down the passage. He makes a nervous expression as the smasher begins to slam down on the block, but then smiles as he realizes that it's working.]

Link: PHEW! It worked!

Navi: Oh, GOOD. [sighs with relief]

Link: Heh heh... Oh, MAN, was I nervous! [he pulls the block into place so that it's stopping both smashers from killing him]

Navi: For why?

Link: [chuckling to himself] I was afraid that the author was going to do something to make the block break.

Navi: But then you'd die... Why would the author want to kill you?

Link: Aah, back in Chapter 19.5... [he looks at the camera, and winks] Which is a VERY GOOD CHAPTER, by the way, and you should all read it and write many reviews!] ... I killed her.

Navi: ... YOU KILLED THE AUTHOR?!

Link: Yeah, twice.

Navi: YOU KILLED HER TWICE?!?!

Link: [still standing beneath the smashers, but near the safety of the block] Well... yeah... It was just a joke.

Navi: Link, I don't ever want to hear about you and the author fighting ever again.

Link: Yeah, well she deserved it, for continually torturing me, trying to make the readers laugh. [leans against the black casually] And she said something about her getting revenge on me, but HUH, looks like she's too-

[At that second, the crescent block becomes a 8-foot tall Marshmallow Peep. As the smashers fall down, they make a huge SQUISH noise as they begin to pound the nasty Easter candy flat]

Link: [hears the squish, and turns around] AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

Navi: [panics] AIEEEE! LINK, GET OUT OF THERE!

Link: [panicking, tries to run] AAARRRGH, NAVI HELP ME-

Navi: LIIIIIINK!

[But there is no hope for the hero as the Peep is squashed flat, and him along with it. The camera zooms in on Navi, who has a horrified expression frozen on her invisible, fairy face. Great splatters of blood and pink marshmallow are flying all over the place, and Navi bursts into a sob]

Navi: OH MY GOD... N-NAYRU... Say it's not... it's not true...

[Yep, Navi, it is true.]

[Navi quickly darts through the smashers and over to Link's smashed corpse, pulling his ripped hat out of the mess and holding it close to her, big tears falling down her face. A sad violin song starts up, and she sings.]

Navi: [to the tune of "Young Frankenstein" theme]
OH LINK WHY DID you kill her off?
"Sorry", you could have said...
But it's too late... The Peep's been smushed...
And now you're very dead...
You're lying there, crushed to a pulp
On the Shadow Temple floor...
I don't know if this means "The End"
If the story goes on more...
But I would try most anything
To bring my trusted friend
Out of that darkened abyss
And into the light again...

[Navi sobs into Link's hat, and there is an evil laugh from above.]

Ganondorf: Well, well... here is our mighty Hero of Time, crushed to death by spikes and a Marshmallow Peep!

Navi: [gasps, looks up at him] YOU! GANONDORF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Ganondorf: I just came to pay a tribute to the triumph of the "great" Hero of Time! HAHAHAHA... [scratches his chin] I suppose we should rename him the Hero of PANCAKES now! WAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Navi: ... That wasn't funny.

Ganondorf: [snarls at her] Hey, shut up! You'd better be nice to me, you little fairy brat! Lookie what I got!

[Ganondorf is hovering above the ground in a dark chariot, drawn by four black horses. Impa is next to him, clinging to his arm and smiling wickedly]

Navi: [gasp of terror, and dramatic music] IMPA!

Ganondorf: WAHAHA! [clutches Impa close to him] You're too late! I have rescued her from Bongo-Bongo and brainwashed her, and she's MADLY in love with me!

Impa: HMMPH! Foolish Hero of Time! [hugs Ganondorf's arm, smiles at him] Let's go home, darling. I can't wait to be the Evil Queen of the World.

Ganondorf: Whatever you wish, my dearest Impa! [waves to Navi] Goodbye, Little Fairy! I'll leave you here to let the ghosts eat you, while my new wife and I go and make very muscular, but extremely ugly children!

Impa: WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ganondorf: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Thunder and lightning crash, and Ganondorf and Impa disappear, leaving Navi all alone in the dark Shadow Temple.]

Navi: [whimpering] Link's dead... Impa's been brainwashed... [shivers, clutching Link's hat] I'm... I'm all alone...

[There is suddenly a flash, and Sheik falls to the ground a few feet away from Navi]

Sheik: [walking towards Navi, very sexily] Link is dead...

Navi: OH SHEIK! [she clings to him] SHEIK, MY DEAR! MY LOVE, SHEIK! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! IT'S SO HORRIBLE!

Sheik: [holds Navi close to him] There, there... poor little fairy... You poor little thing, all alone here, with your best friend's dead body...

Navi: Hold me...

Sheik: I will, Navi. I'll hold you as long as you wish me to.

Navi: [looks at the camera mischievously] Well, this ending has SOME advantages.

Sheik: [consoling her, petting her gently] I'll take you out of here and far away, my poor, sweet Navi...

Navi: [sighs] Ohhhh Sheik...

Sheik: Oh. But before I do, there's just one little thing...

Navi: [looks up at him] What is it?

Sheik: I need to tell you something.

Navi: What?

Sheik: [pulls off his mask, to reveal big pink lips and eyelashes] I'm a woman.

Navi: [short gasp, then dramatic music as the camera zooms out on her, screaming] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[There is a shattering noise, and the music stops as Navi gets a homicidal look on her face]

Navi: AUTHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

Creepy Spirit Voice That Sounds Like GG: What?

Navi: I'LL KEEEEEL YOU!

Creepy Spirit Voice That Sounds Like GG: Whoa there, whoa there... I'm just kidding! I wouldn't end the story like that! Link fangirls would kill me!

Navi: [sobbing] THAT WASN'T FUNNY! THAT WASN'T FUNNY AT ALL!

Creepy Spirit Voice That Sounds Like GG: Aww, don't cry, Navi... I'm sorry. Look, I'll go back in time and just skip this part, okay? I'll bring Link back to life, Impa hates Ganondorf, and Sheik is a man. All right?

Navi: [sniffles] Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
THE AUTHOR CUT THAT WHOLE SCENE OUT, AND SHE AND LINK DISCUSSED THEIR DIFFERENCES OVER AN ICE-COLD CHOCOLATEY YOOHOO AND MADE FRIENDS AGAIN BEFORE CONTINUING FROM THE NEXT SCENE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Starting from the last part of "Bring Me To Life")

[Link (ignoring most of this half of the temple) hops on the invisible, moving platform to ride across the bottomless pit, throwing open a door and stepping inside. A dramatic part comes into the song.]

Link: WHEEEEEEE! [leaps off, opens a door and steps in] Hey, that wasn't so bad... We've gotta be nearly done now!

Navi: [points around the room] ... Link...

Link: What? [glances into the room] ... ERK-

[Guess what's decorating this room in the corners!]

Link: ["In The End", his face pales severely]
JUST NOT THOSE! NO-
THE ONE THING!
I don't know why!
The only monster that makes even me cry!
Those big creepy zombies with their rotting faces
Always found in the grime!

Navi: [slaps him] Link, don't rap again!

Link: [taking deep breaths between singing, his palms sweat and he drops the Master Sword]
Their brown skin gives me the chills!
Watching it rot off like other dead things will!
Watch that hand reach out to take me away
To suck my life away!

Navi: JUST KILL THEM, DUMMY!

[Link sinks into a heap on the ground, holding his ears and rocking back and forth, as the interested Redeads moan and begin to walk towards him, very slowly]

Link:
Seeing their maggoty flesh
And their horrible eyes, definitely not fresh
Trying to keep my bladder control...

Navi:
And they're coming closer, just to let you knoooooooow!

Link: [The Redeads are less than four feet away from him as he starts freaking out even worse]
I CAN SEE THEM IN MY DREAMS AT NIGHT, UNENDING, CHILLING FRIGHT...
WHISPERING ITS NAME...
TIMES LIKE THIS WHEN I WISH I WAS IN THAT "RESIDENT EVIL" GAME, WITH A GUN! AND I-

Navi: [screams as one of the Redeads reaches out to grab Link] AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!

[Suddenly, Link snaps RIGHT out of his little terror-bubble, like he did before, flying up off of the ground and snapping out to kick with both legs, knocking both of the things back to land on the invisible spikes in the room, where they twitch and scream]

Link: [running over to one of them and butchering it with the Master Sword, a crazy, wild-eyed expression on his face]
I HATE THOSE THINGS!
THEY TORTURED ME!
[points at his bum again]
IN THE END!

Navi: [sighs, shaking her head]
At least, that's what it looked like.

Link: [gracefully backflips over to the other one, pulls out a bomb from his Bomb-Bag, slips on a rubber glove and grins maniacally at it]
TAKE SOME OF YOUR
OWN MEDICINE!
[laughs wildly]
IN THE END!

[Thankfully, the camera view changes to Navi, making a DISGUSTED expression as she sings over the sounds of a Redead in some severe pain, and Link laughing like a psychopath at it]

Navi:
At least that's what it looked liii-iiiiiii-iiiike.

[There is an explosion, and Navi is showered with chunks of zombie. She calmly wipes a few off of her face, and goes over to tap Link on the shoulder. He is cowered on the ground, covered in Redead guts, giggling quietly.]

Navi: ... Are you okay?

Link: [stands up, takes off the rubber glove and throws it away] Fine. Why do you ask?

Navi: Um... let's just keep going, okay?

Link: Okay. [shrugs, throws the discarded Master Sword over his shoulder, whistles "It's A Small World After All" as they head into the next area]

(Scene: As Link and Navi navigate through the long hall with the fans, "Do This Anymore" by Nickelback (Good tune, everybody go find it) plays in the background as the wind blows in his face)

Link:
All right, this place is dark
Makes sense, the "Shadow Temple"
Aside from the illusions
This place really is quite simple!

Link and Chorus:
WHEEEEEEEEN

Link:
Am I to be done?

Link and Chorus:
IIIIIMPA

Link:
Must be tired of waiting...

Link and Chorus:
NOOOOOOOT

Link:
That this temple's hard...

Link and Chorus:
BUUUUUUT

Link:
One thing I find myself hating...

Navi: [takes the bridge, as Link continues down the hall, making pounding noises with his Iron Boots]
I agree, I agree, yes you see!

[Loud drums come into the pair's singing]

Link:
Well I'm just BLOODY SICK of that DIN-DARNED DRUMMING!
And all the creepy undead voices humming!
It's been following me, coming through the walls!
When I find the source, I'm gonna deck HIS halls! [punches his open palm]
I won't... I don't...
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMORE!
I won't... I don't...
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMOOOOOO-WHOAAAAAAOOOOOOORE!
[spoken]
ENOUGH DRUMS!

[Sure enough, in the background, for this WHOLE DAMN TEMPLE there have been repetitive drumbeats, and annoying voices humming the whole time.]

Navi: [picks up where Link left off.]
And don't you know we're only half through it
The cobwebs and the spooks becoming boring
And every time they try to scare us off
We solve our problems by simply ignoring 'em

Navi and Chorus Singers:
WHEEEEEEEEEEN

Navi:
Are we done with it?

Navi and Chorus Singers:
IIIIIIMPA

Navi:
Must be tired of waiting!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
NOOOOOOOOT

Navi:
That this temple's hard

Navi and Chorus Singers:
BUUUUUUUUUT

Navi:
There's one thing I find myself hating

Link:
I agree, I agree, yes, you see!

Navi:
Well I'm just BLOODY SICK of that DIN-DARNED DRUMMING!
And all the creepy undead voices humming!
You'd think he'd rest, but it keeps going!
And it shows no signs of slowing! [covers her ears]
I won't... I don't...
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMORE!
I won't... I don't...
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMOOOOOO-WHOAAAAAAOOOOOOORE!
HEYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAH HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!
[spoken]
NO MORE DRUMMING!

[They drop down to the long walkway leading up to a door, with fans blowing from both sides as the song reaches an instrumental.]

Navi: [gasps, touches her head] Hey...

Link: What?

Navi: I can hear the spirits whispering in this room!

Link: Over that stupid DRUMMING?

Navi: Yes... they're saying something about the one with sacred feet being shown the way...

Link: Haha, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! [he sits down, careful not to be blown off of the walkway, and takes off his Kokiri Boots to change into the Hover Boots]

Navi: [sniffs] WHEW! Are you sure your feet are SACRED and not UNHOLY? BLEAH!

Link: Aaaaah, you try not changing your shoes for seven years and see how good your feet smell.

Navi: I don't wear shoes, I'm a divine creature.

Link: So divine creatures don't have stinky feet, but they fart with the best of them?

Navi: What the heck are you talking about?

Link: [as he puts on his boots, pulls out a copy of the script] Chapter Fifteen, in the Lost Woods, Navi gets "a premonition of something horrible" and then breaks wind in my hat?

Navi: NO FAIR! NO FAIR! IF I CAN'T CITE THE SCRIPT, NEITHER CAN YOU!

Link: All right, all right... calm down... We're both getting a little testy.

Navi: I can tell you why, too.

[Link stands up and the fan blows him into the secret passage that continues on through the temple.]

Link:
Because we know we're barely half through it
Getting annoyed, so we both wind up yelling

Navi:
We could just relax and laugh it off
But this place is starting to resemble Hell and...

Chorus Singers:
WHEEEEEEEEEEN

Link and Navi:
ARE WE DONE WITH IT?

Chorus Singers:
IIIIIIIIMPA

Link and Navi:
MUST BE TIRED OF WAITING!

Chorus Singers:
NOOOOOOOOOT

Link and Navi:
THAT THIS TEMPLE'S HARD!

Chorus Singers:
BUUUUUUUUUUT

Link and Navi:
ONE THING WE FIND OURSELVES HATING!

Link:
Make it stop...

Navi:
Make it stop...

Both: MAKE IT STOP!
Well we're just BLOODY SICK of that DIN-DARNED DRUMMING!
And all the creepy undead voices humming!
You think that they could find some different music!
Whoever wrote the score for this place is SICK!

Link:
I won't... I don't...
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMORE!

Navi:
I won't... I don't...

Both:
DON'T WANNA LISTEN ANYMOOOOOO-WHOAAAAAAOOOOOOORE!
YEEEEEEEAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAH!
YEEEEEEEAHHH AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
[spoken]
ENOUGH-

(Scene: In the time it took them to finish that last song, they have found their way to the room with the ferry in it. Both of them freeze and gaze up at it, in awe.)

Link and Navi: AWE.

Navi: A boat? What the heck is a boat doing all the way down here?

Link: [silent]

Navi: Well... er... I don't see any other way to get to the other side of that big, ominous-looking River of Death. Guess we'll just have to ride it.

Link: YAAAAYYYY!

[Squealing joyfully, he pulls over a crescent block and hops up to the boarding platform of the ship. He boards the ship, giggling happily and having a seat near the front.]

Link: [waving his hands over his head] WOOO WOOO! Get this baby going! I WANNA GO! I WANNA GO!

Navi: ... It's not moving.

Link: WELL IT HAD BETTER START! I WANNA RIDE THE BOAT! I've never ridden a boat before! It looks like so much fun!

Navi: It'll start, it'll start! We just gotta figure out how to make it...

Link: [whips out his ocarina and plays Zelda's Lullaby]

[There is a loud creaking noise, and the bells on front of the boat begin to ring as it takes off down the river.]

Navi: Hey, good job, Link! How'd you know how to do that?

Link: The Triforce I'm sitting on.

Navi: Wow, good for you!

Link: [leans back, smiling happily as the ship begins to take them to the other side of the temple] Ahh... I was starting to get worried.

Navi: About what?

Link: You know, every really GOOD action game has to have at least a little part with a ship in it...

Navi: Why is that?

Link: Because sea battles are apparently really exciting...

Stalfos: GRARGH!

[Link sits up quickly, and speak of the devil, two Stalfos appear on the ship from nowhere. He leaps to his feet and draws his sword, as purely nautical, pirate-ish music plays in the background]

Link: [cheesy smile] Ah! Stowaways!

Navi: You're not going to start doing a bunch of horrible nautical jokes now, are you?

Link: [points his sword at the two Stalfos] I'll shiver your timbers, you scurvy curs!

Navi: [rolls her eyes and stands back as a highly dramatic battle takes place]

Link: [singing along to the Gilligan's Island theme song as they fight]
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale about a fateful trip!
Of a Hero and his fairy who boarded this creepy ship!
They sat in joy waiting for the boat to finish up its course
When a couple nasty skeletons tried to take them out with force!
To take them out with force!
[spoken]
HA! Sorry gentlemen, I'll need to see your boarding passes!

Navi: [files her nails, bored]

Link:
But Link was a guy who could kick some ass
So he got up with his blade!
And he whacked off the Stalfos with a great fury
So they wished they weren't made!
They wished they weren't made!

[In a mighty, triumphant final thwack of the sword, Link offs the two Stalfos and raises his sword in the air]

Link: THANK YOU FOR RIDING LINK CRUISELINES, PLEASE COME BACK AND GET YOUR ASS KICKED AGAIN SOON!

[The ship finally reaches the other side of the temple, and it begins to rock back and forth uncomfortably]

Link: Whoa! [stumbles and falls down]

Navi: ULP! [looking seasick]

Link: [sits up] What was that?

Navi: [turning green] Ugh... It felt like the ship was changing directions...

Link: ... Is it just me, or is this part of the temple getting... taller?

Navi: [gasps] YIKES! THE SHIP IS SINKING!

Link: SINKING?! NEVER!! ARRGH, SHE IS A STRONG VESSEL!

Navi: ABANDON SHIP! GET TO A SAFE PLATFORM! [she flies off of the ship and over the exiting platform]

Link: [clings to the mast] NEVER! I WILL GO DOWN WITH HER! SHE'S BEEN A GOOD-

Navi: [throws a rock at him, it hits him square in the face]

Link: ... [snaps out of it] Coming!

[And with a mighty dramatic leap, Link exits the ship, and lands on safe ground just as it tumbles down into the misty river of death!]

Link: [sighs] PHEW...

Navi: [also sighs] That was close...

Link: [sniffles, wiping his eyes with a convenient hanky] She... she was a good ship...

[The theme from "Titanic" plays in the background]

Navi: There, there...

Link: Well, no helping it now... [points towards the door across the abyss thingy] ONWARDS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK RAN THROUGH A FEW MORE ROOMS AND NOW HE'S STANDING IN THE ROOM ABOVE WHERE BONGO-BONGO IS LURKING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The room above the boss battle room. The irritating drumming seems to have subsided, and Link is looking around cautiously)

Link: [calling] Impa? IIIImmmmpppppaaaaaaaaa...?

Navi: I don't see her anywhere...

Link: [gasps] Do you think that that Shadow Spirit offed her?!

Navi: I doubt it... she probably squashed it like a bug.

Link: [glances at the large hole in the floor] Well... I guess there's only one way to go now.

Navi: Down?

Link: [gulps] Yes... [scowls, clenching his fists] At last, we're going to find who that damn annoying drummer is!

Navi: Think it might be Bongo-Bongo?

Link: ... Yes, I knew that. [obviously did not]

Navi: So, um... go on. Get down there.

Link: No way! I'm not just going to jump!

Navi: [sighs deeply] We've already done this joke several times.

Link: Name one occ-

Navi: [cites her own copy of the script] Chapter 3, inside the Great Deku Tree, TWICE... Chapter 9, Dodongo's Cavern, in the Boss Room...

Link: [silences her] All right, all right already. [holds his nose and jumps, screaming] BAAAANZAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!

[With a very loud THUMP on a tremendous drum, Link lands, stumbling and falling over on his butt]

Link: OWIE I HURT MY BUTT! [rubs it]

Navi: ... wait a second...

Link: [still rubbing his butt] What?!

Navi: Link... do me a favor... hit the floor we're on.

Link: [slams his fist on the floor, it makes a THUMP noise] ... We're on a drum.

Navi: So THIS is where that stupid drumming was coming from!

Link: [stands up, looks around suspiciously] Now... where is the jerk who was playing it...

[Suddenly, there is a quiet whooshing noise, and Link and Navi hear a mysterious voice behind them, whispering.]

Mysterious Voice: [to the tune of "The Invisible Man" by Queen]
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND.

[Then there is a loud THUMP and Link and Navi go flying as a huge hand appears out of nowhere and bangs on the drum]

Link: What the-

Navi: AH!

Mysterious Voice:
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND.

[Another THUMP, and another hand comes into view right next to the first one]

Link: YOW! THE TV FUZZ GREW HANDS!


BONGO-BONGO: Phantom Shadow Beast



Bongo-Bongo: [reveals himself, suddenly he can sing... I guess]
Incredible how you can...
SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!

[He begins banging a groovy beat on the drum, sending Link and Navi flying all over the place]

Link: AIEE! IT'S SCARY!

Navi: Don't worry, Link! Just stand up, you're wearing your Hover Boots still!

[Link bravely stands up, and his eye twitches glaring at Bongo-Bongo, who has vanished and now only his hands are still visible.]

Link: [points at where he GUESSES Bongo-Bongo is] YOU! DAMN YOU AND YOUR DRUM! YOUR ANNOYING DRUM THAT'S BEEN TORTURING US ALL THROUGH THIS DUNGEON! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Bongo-Bongo: [apparently has a one-track mind, just keeps drumming and singing]
When you hear a sound...
That you just can't place...
Hear something move...
That you just can't place...
In the Shadow Temple...
I'm the meaning of fear
DON'T TURN AROUND!
When you hear me here!

[A huge hand comes swatting at Link, but he spins around and quickly shoots it with a well-aimed arrow. Bongo-Bongo howls in pain]

Bongo-Bongo: OWIE!
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
INCREDIBLE HOW YOU CAN...
SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!

Link: [fires an arrow at B-B's other hand, hitting it straight on]
Take that, Invisible Hand!
(THUMP)
Stupid Invisible Hand!
(THUMP)
Now watch my Biggy come out... [quick "Gettin' Jiggy With It]
AND GO RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

[Holding the Lens of Truth up over one eye and the Biggy in his other hand, Link squeals nervously as Bongo-Bongo comes rushing at him. The Biggy slices him in the eye, and he howls, falling down on the surface of the drum where Link beats on him]

Link: STUPID EH! STUPID EH! STUPID EH! PAIN IN THE EH! PAIN IN THE EH! PAIN IN THE EH!

Bongo-Bongo: STUPID HUMAN! RARRGH!!! [pushes himself up off the drum's surface]
[singing]
I'll crush your arm!
And I'll crush your head!
And I'll crush your country!
And I'll crush your bed!

Link: NOOOOO!

Bongo-Bongo:
[vanishes again and pokes him with one finger]
And I see you there!
Now I'll make you die!
And though you might get close!
You'll never take me alive!

[Link continues firing arrows at ol' B-B like mad, making the big... drummy thing... yell out in pain, even as he sings]

Navi: Way to go Link, keep it up!

Bongo-Bongo:
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
INCREDIBLE HOW YOU CAN...
SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
INCREDIBLE HOW YOU CAN
SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!

[Knocked down again, Link struts over towards B-B with the Biggy raised over his head]

Link:
Hu, hu, hu, Hello! [stabs him]

Bongo-Bongo: RARRR!

Link:
Hu, hu, hu, Okay! [stabs him again]

Bongo-Bongo: RARRR!

Link: [repeatedly stabbing and slashing him]
Hu, hu, hu, Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
Well, I've had to listen to
Your drumming this whole time
You don't know what I've been through
Now my fury unfurls!
SO YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
SO I CAN SAVE THE WORLD!
SO I CAN SAVE THE WORLD!
SO I CAN SAVE THE WORLD!

[An instrumental and a dramatic dance number goes here, with lots of dancers dressed up as ghosts and other freaky things, circling around the edge of the drum as Bongo-Bongo continues to play and Link does a funky shuffle with the Biggy]

Bongo-Bongo:
Now I'm behind your back!

Link: [spins around, but B-B has disappeared before he can hit him]

Bongo-Bongo:
Now I'm back behind!

Link: AH! [spins around again, but once again, B-B evades his gaze]

Bongo-Bongo:
And I'm on your back!

Link: AIE! [spins around again]

Bongo-Bongo:
I just keep on stalkin'!
I'm your darkest fear!
And you never are gonna
Get outta here!

[Hearing the singing from above him, Link looks up and sees a tremendous shadow spirit come flying down as though to land on him. He screams and covers his head]

Navi: [frantically] STICK HIM, LINK!

Bongo-Bongo: [as he comes down]
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
INCREDIBLE HOW YOU CAN...
SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!

Link: [holds up the Biggy right over his head] COME AND GET ME, LOSER!

Bongo-Bongo:
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
I'M THE INVISIBLE HAND!
(THUMP)
INCREDIBLE HOW YOU CAN...
SEE RIGHT THROUGH MEEEEE-OWWWWWWWWWWW!

[Link sticks Bongo-Bongo right through his big invisible body, and he snarls with pain and grabs his big invisible behind]

Link: [big, crazy eyes] HOW DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I MAKE THINGS STICK YOU IN THE BUTT?!

Navi: ... Ewww.

Link: NO, THAT'S IT, NAVI! I'VE HAD IT! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, SHADOW THINGY!

[Another funky dance number, as Bongo-Bongo tries to continue playing, but Link keeps kind of throwing himself at him angrily]

Bongo-Bongo: [big, creepy voice]
NO! OW! OW! OW! STOP IT! STOP IT! OUCHIES, YOU STUPID... OW! OWIEEEEEHEEHEEHEE!

[Finally, as the song fades out, Link scores the final blow, and with a loud scream, Bongo-Bongo starts banging on his drum even harder]

Bongo-Bongo: NO! [bang] NO! [bang] NOOOO! MY REIGN OF TERROR IN THIS VILLAGE HAS COME TO AN END! IT CAN'T BE, NOOOOOOO!

Link: [wiping sweat off of his forehead] It can be and it is, you big stupid... stupid... uh... whatever you are!

Bongo-Bongo: [big, sloppy tears fall from his huge, single eye as his body starts to fade] BUT ALL I WANTED WAS REVENGE FOR MY STUPID NAME!

Link: Get used to it, fool. We've ALL got pretty stupid names! Like MY name, which spell-checkers really hate for the capital L!

Navi: And my name, which is short for Navigate or Navigation! Get it, eh, eh?

Ganondorf: [his voice echoes into the room by magic] AND ME! THE LAST THREE LETTERS OF MY NAME CAN BE CHANGED INTO PRETTY MUCH EVERY INFANTILE GRADE-SCHOOL INSULT THAT EVER EXISTED!

Chicken Lady: [for some reason, is hanging off of some chains on the wall, as though she was taken prisoner] And me! I don't even get a name until the next game!

Tatl and Tael: [from next door, where they are filming "Twenty-Four Masks For Young Link: The Majora's Mask Musical"] YEAH, AND US! OUR NAMES ARE AN OBNOXIOUSLY CUTE MISSPELLING OF "TATTLETALE"!

Bongo-Bongo: [explodes with rage] WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU FOUR DOING TALKING?! This is MY overly prolonged death scene!

Ganondorf, Chicken Lady, Tatl and Tael: HMMPH. [vanish]

Bongo-Bongo: [staring at his hands as his body dissipates] But... but...
[weakly, to the way slowed-down tune of "Bang the Drum All Day" by Todd Rundgren]
I... don't wanna die...
I just want to play on me drum all day...
I... don't wanna go away...
I just want to play on me drum all day...

Navi: Ooooh no ya don't. We've had PLENTY enough of that.

Link: And besides. [tosses his head] You should have thought about that before you terrorized the village and messed up my hair and made me talk to that bonkers Windmill Guy.

Bongo-Bongo: ARRGH! I'M MELTING, I'M MEEEELTIIIING! OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD... [melts away into a little fuzzy smoky puddle of shadow beast]

[Long pause.]

Navi: [pulls out her copy of the script and a notepad, scribbles something down] That brings our total of absolutely horrible cliches in this chapter to six!

[The warp portal descends and Navi heads towards it, yammering on]

Navi: This is great, Link! Five out of Six Sages! We've only got one more life-threatening and terribly dangerous temple to go until we've got them all, and then we can sit back and relax and watch them beat Ganondorf into a- [she pauses when she realizes that Link is not with her.] ... Link?

Link: [jumping up and down, trying to land very hard to make the drum beat, laughing maniacally and singing]
I don't wanna work!
I just wanna play on me drum all day!
I don't wanna play!
I just wanna play on me drum all day!

Navi: [flies over and grabs him by the ear] Come on.

Link: OWIE! OWIE! NO, NO I WANNA PLAY ON THE DRUM!

[She drags him into the warp portal, and a few moments later our heroes leave the Shadow Temple behind on their way to the Chamber of Sages.]

(Scene: The Chamber of Sages. The Shadow Seal looks shinier now as Link and Navi descend and land on the Triforce. As they do, we can hear the voices and see the silhouettes of the other Sages, continuing the song that will never end.)

Rauru, Saria, Darunia, Ruto, Ancient Sage (There's only one left!):
HERO MAAAAAAAAN, NEARS THE END
YOU AND YOUUUUUUR FAIRY FRIEND
WAKING UP... THE SAGES ACROSS THE LAAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAAND!
YOU JUST FOUUUUUUUND THE FIFTH ONE
NOW JUST FIIIIIIIIND THE SIXTH ONE
AND GANONDORF... WILL SOON BE UNABLE TO STAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAAAAND!

[Link fixes his hat and checks his breath for bad smell as Impa rises up into the Chamber. Once she appears, he grins suavely at her and cocks his eyebrow.]

~~ THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS ALSO NOT BEEN NOMINATED FOR A TONY AWARD BECAUSE OF ONE CHARACTER'S DRAMA AND THE OTHER'S CONSTANT STARING AT HER BIG CHEST. PLEASE ENJOY. THANK YOU.~~~~

Impa: Link... Hero of Time...

Link: Hey, baby. [winks at her charmingly]

Navi: [rolls her eyes]

Impa: [glancing at him oddly] Do you remember me, Link? I was Princess Zelda's nanny, attendant and bodyguard back when King Nounevasees was on the throne, before the time of Evil King Ganondorf.

Link: Of course I remember... I never forget an ass- [chokes] erm... FACE. Face, yeah, I never forget a face!

Impa: [blinks, but continues] I only met you for a brief moment, but I remember watching you race off to Death Mountain in search of the second Spiritual Stone. The next time I saw you, I was escaping from Hyrule Castle on horseback with the princess...

Link: Yeah, and you almost ran over me. [makes a pouty face]

Impa: Seven years ago, after many decades of unfair treatment by the king, Ganondorf finally grew tired of it. Unhappy in his menial position as the Gerudo King, he broke into the castle and betrayed Nounevasees. I was there long enough to witness the king's dead, charred, smoldering carcass, and long enough for Ganondorf to profess his undying love to me and offer me to be his queen.

Link: [scowls]

Impa: [sighs] I was forced to obey my responsibilities and take Zelda to safety.

Navi: [curious] Meaning, you WOULD have stayed if you could have?

Impa: [makes a horrified face] Farore, NO. I hated that pasty-faced little twerp.

Navi: [whistles] Good thing.

Link: [also whistles] Damn, them would have been some ugly kids.

Impa: [glares at him]

Link: [quickly tries to recover] I mean... uh... Ganondorf's so ugly, y'know?

Impa: [points at him] Watch your green-skirted little ass, lad.

Navi: [pokes Link] She just called your tunic a skirt. You gonna take that?

Link: [pale, smiling nervously with terror] She can call it whatever she wants!

Impa: [clears her throat] Anyway... In those seven long years, it is evident that you have become a fine swordsman, and you truly are the legendary Hero of Time. Zelda was right about you.

Link: [places one hand on his hip, tosses his head] Got that right! WOOT!

Impa: The Princess... you are looking for her, correct?

Link: [punches his fist up above him] So I can kick her in the butt for all she's put me through!

Navi: LINK! Great thing to say to her bodyguard!

Impa: [shrugs] It's understandable. She can be quite trying. The number of times I had to wash that girl's bed sheets...

Link: You're kidding.

Impa: Nope.

Link: [giggles immaturely] Tee hee hee... I got dirt on the princess!

Impa: Well... fear not, brave Hero. Zelda is safe.

Navi: PHEW!

Link: That's good. Where is she?

Impa: In an undisclosed location.

Link: ... I'm the Hero of Time. Why can't you tell me? Isn't it sort of my business to know where Zelda is?

Impa: No. Ganondorf might be listening.

Navi: But this is the Chamber of Sages. Rauru said that this was the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil.

Impa: And you believed him?

Navi: ...

Impa: Nevertheless, I must thank you heartily for saving my life from that horrible shadow beast, and awakening me as the Sage of Shadow. I will stay here and protect the temple from that jerkass Ganondorf, but I will also help you to fight him. Take this medallion with my power, and use it to protect the princess!

Link: Why not say "to protect all of Hyrule?"

Impa: Hey, the PRINCESS is my job. Like I give a crap about the rest of the world.

[Impa raises her hands and the purple Shadow Medallion falls from the sky and hits Link in the head. He then picks it up and holds it up triumphantly, smiling widely]

Chorus Singers:
THOUGH WE ALL LIVE...
IN FEAR OF HER RAGE!
TURNS OUT THAT IMPA...
IS THE SHADOW SAGE!
AND NOW...
SHE ADDS HER POWER TO YOURS!

[A duet played on Sheikah harp, as Link and Impa sing together. The warp portal begins to whisk Link away.]

Impa:
Lad...
Young, courageous charming lad...
I'm glad it's you I pass
My job to watch the princess on to...

Link:
Lass...
Big, busty, kick-ass lass...
I swear I'll do my best
To uphold all that you've held true!

Impa:
I was just a sub-character
But one you could identify
And though my lines are growing few
I pass to you, the Hero of Time
My job... my due...
My responsibility
Please don't...
Screw up...
And make a bloody fool of me!

Link:
Though Zelda's gonna pay!
For what she did to me that day!
I promise that I won't mess up again!
I'll guard her with my life!
[winks at Navi]
After all, she'll be my wife!

Navi: UGH. [rolls eyes]

Link:
Until the day of Ganon's end!

Link and Impa:
But we won't worry...
We'll meet again...
Our connection shall prove true!

Impa:
After all...
I show up...
In more Zelda games than you.*

Link: [looks shocked] Hey, wait a sec- AAAAAAAAAH!

[Link is sucked away into the warp portal, leaving Impa to be... Sagey.]

(A/N: * I say this following the "Multiple Link Theory" that states that according to the game story lines, there are thus far about four different Links. One of the only repeating ones is the Link we know and love from OoT and MM. According to this, Impa HAS appeared in more Zelda games than THIS Link has. She was in the storyline of Zelda I, II and III [though she was dead in III], and the character was made younger and repeated in Ocarina of Time. I am such a nerd. ^_^

Don't correct me on this, because I was mostly saying it as a joke.)

(Scene: Kakariko Village Graveyard. The guy who is being laughed at walks around glumly, kicking rocks as the eternal rain in this part of the graveyard soaks him.)

Laughed At Guy: My life sucks. Our world is under the rule of an evil tyrant. My best friend always laughs at me. No one believes what I say. Maybe it would be better if I just got killed.

[He drops to his knees and stares up at the sky]

Laughed At Guy: GOOD GODDESSES, PLEASE SMITE ME NOW, O MIGHTY SMITRESSES! SEND ME PUNISHMENT FROM THE SKIES!

Link: [sounding far away, then close up] -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

[With a huge WHAM, Link lands right on top of the guy, and they are both still as Navi flies down, huffing and puffing]

Navi: Link, I told you the Hover Boots wouldn't work from that high up.

Link: [sits up groggily from the him-shaped hole in the ground, rubbing his head] Rub it in, why don't ya.

Navi: Aw, cheer up buddy! After all, we've only got ONE MORE TEMPLE TO FIGHT and ONE MORE SAGE TO RESCUE!

Link: [still rubbing his head] But where in the heck could it be? We're out of landmarks!

Navi: HAHA! Not quite, my friend! I've got a great idea!

[Navi flies down to Link's belt and hits the Pause button, and the Map Subscreen floats in midair in front of them. She points at a flashy dot.]

Navi: Know where that is?

Link: No. Where?

Navi: That's Gerudo Valley, a valley that leads into the desert on the western side of Hyrule.

Link: Oh yeah! [stands up] We haven't been there yet!

Navi: Actually, to be technical we have, because we had to give the Carpenter Boss his-

Link: [bops her] But THEY [motions at the readers] didn't see that!

Navi: Ah, yes. Anyway, that's where Ganondorf was born and raised. He was the King of the Gerudos originally, you know.

Link: Oh yeah. [shudders] I suppose they're all as ugly as he is.

Navi: [shakes her head] Nu-uh! Do you even know anything about the Gerudo?

Link: [scratches his head] Their leader is ugly as hell?

Navi: Well yeah, but that's just their leader. The rest are women.

Link: [sounding like Animal from the Muppets] WOMAN!?

Navi: Yeah, all the rest are women. They're all beautiful and exotic thieves!

Link: WOMAN!? BEAUTIFUL!? EXOTIC!? THIIIIEVES!? [hops up and down] LET'S GO NOW, LET'S GO NOW, LET'S GO NOW!

Laughed At Man: OW! OW! OW! QUIT JUMPING ON ME!

[Link glances down and realizes that he is still standing on the man.]

Link: Whoops. Sorry, dude.

Laughed At Man: [sobs]

Navi: Um, one little thing about the Gerudo, Link...

Link: [racing out of Kakariko, on his way to the "Woman" "Beautiful" "Exotic" "Thieves"] What?

Navi: They're mostly extremely loyal to Ganondorf.

Link: I can live with that. [still running at top speed]

Navi: And they hate men and kids.

[Link brakes, with a loud ERRRK noise.]

Link: ... They hate men? And kids?

Navi: [murmuring] Yeah... and, um... you're sort of both.

Link: [pauses for a moment as he reaches the gate of the city] ... Who cares?

Navi: B-but what if they kill you?

Link: They won't kill me. I'm too dead sexy and bishonen.

Navi: ... N-no, Link... you don't understand. They HATE men.

Link: [plays Epona's Song and rides off towards Gerudo Valley, completely ignoring Navi] It'll be a nice change of pace for them, to see a sexy man as opposed to a butt-ugly creep like Ganondorf!

Navi: Link... you DON'T UNDERSTAND. They don't CARE if you look good. They HATE MEN.

Link: [snickering, still oblivious] I'll have to hope they don't all go for me at once.

Navi: LINK. THEY HATE MEN. THEY ONLY BOTHER WITH THEM WHEN THEY NEED TO HAVE BABIES.

[Link suddenly halts Epona and stares at the horizon, his face frozen in deep thought. He looks like he is slowly grasping some concept.]

Link: They hate men... except for the purpose of procreation?

Navi: That's right.

Link: ... I can live with that.

Navi: [gasps] LINK!

[And with that, Link spurs on Epona full speed and goes racing off to meet the Gerudo! Exactly what kind of trouble our mackin' young hero will get into is ANYBODY'S GUESS! HOO HA!]



(But we have other worries. Meanwhile, the scene changes to Ganondorf's Tower, where he is seated at his organ, staring at his Impa shrine. This is the last G/I in here, I promise. ^_~)

Ganondorf: ... I failed... My Shadow Beast was slain by that cursed little brat Hero of Time... and Impa... Impa...

[Dramatic, depressing violin music starts up, and Ganondorf stands up, screaming loudly]

Ganondorf: [pacing back and forth, making wild hand motions] THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES THAT SILVER-HAIRED ANGEL HAS BROKEN MY HEART! FLED FROM MY CLUTCHES, THREE TIMES! FIRST IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEN SEVEN YEARS AGO, AND NOW... She leaves me again... She leaves me even after everything I could have offered her! She leaves me for THAT HERO! She left me to HELP THAT HERO!

[Extremely dramatic music goes here. Hum some.]

Ganondorf: [clenches his fists] I WILL NOT LOSE EVERYTHING I WORKED SO HARD TO TAKE FROM ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WORKED HARD TO MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE TO THAT STUPID BOY! He will PAY AND PAY DEARLY FOR WHAT HE'S DONE! He's heading onto MY HOME TURF! MY INVINCIBLE ARMIES OF SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN WILL PUT HIM AT THEIR MERCY, AND HE WILL PAY FOR HIS LIFE FOR THIS!

[Stomping back over to his Impa shrine, he falls to his knees and lifts up the picture of her (a nice pose, of her about to kick the photographer- probably Ganondorf- in the face) and clutches it to his chest]

Ganondorf: There is no way I could possibly use words to express what I've lost, my dear darling Impa... I guess an extremely out of character musical number is in order.

[The lights drop, a single spotlight shines on Ganondorf, and he snaps his fingers]

Ganondorf: HIT IT!

[A truly awesome 1980's rock song, "Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band starts up in the background. You HAVE to hear this song. If there is ANY non-Beatles or Queen song in here that you HAVE to hear, this is it. You will enjoy it, trust me.]

Gerudo Soldiers: [march into the room, playing what could only be described as Gerudo bagpipes, some of them singing]
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

Ganondorf: [grabs a microphone out of nowhere, looks a great deal like an 80's rock star as he sings]
COME ON!

Gerudo Soldiers:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

Ganondorf: YEAH!
[belting it out]
Perfect walk! Perfect talk!
I thought she was neat!
That sexy Sheikah senior
From the duplex down the street!
She was pure, like white sand!
No one could ever stain!
[clutches at his groin]
Too bad every time I spoke to her
She caused me awful pain...

Gerudo Soldiers:
OOOOOOH!

Ganondorf:
Years go by, I think of her
And make an evil plot...
[slides out on his knees]
THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT'LL MAKE IT WORK FOR CERTAIN-

Ganondorf and Gerudo Soldiers:
NOT!

Ganondorf:
I'VE BEEN UPSTAGED!
My heartbeat quickens into rage!
My angel is the Shadow Sage!

Gerudo Soldiers: [place their hands on their waists and shake it]
ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

Ganondorf:
We're enemies, ordained by fate!
[he stops singing to the beat and speaks the next line]
Impa, my love...

Gerudo Soldiers:
ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!

Ganondorf: [clutching the picture to his chest as he sings]
We went to prom! It really sucked!
She'd throw things at me, and I'd duck
I couldn't stop thinking about her-

Gerudo Soldiers: [interrupt him]
HEY!

Ganondorf: [blushes furiously and corrects them]
- Sexy blood red eyes!
I felt like I would just drop dead
Every time she flashed those-

Gerudo Soldiers: [glare at him with hatred]

Ganondorf: [corrects himself]
... charming reds!
Something had a hold on me
When Impa would walk by...

[The spotlight turns blue and Ganondorf sinks down, holding the picture close]

Ganondorf:
She always gave off this aura, too magical to touch...
But to see her on that purple seal is really, JUST TOO MUCH!

[He and the Gerudo do a fancy choreographed dance.]

Ganondorf:
I'VE BEEN UPSTAGED!
My heartbeat quickens into rage!
My angel is the Shadow Sage!

Gerudo Soldiers:
ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

Ganondorf:
We're enemies, ordained by fate!
[he speaks the line again]
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE GIVEN ME A CHANCE?!

Gerudo Soldiers:
ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!
[to bagpipe music
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA!

Ganondorf: YEAH! [saunters out to the middle of the spotlight and sings again]
It's okay, I understand!
Some Hero wants to save the land
And maybe when that PEST is gone
Our wedding date will be back on...
We'll do a public execution, yeah
My point, I'll really drive it...
Then we'll come back to my palace
And do something more private. [winks]

Gerudo Soldiers: HARUMMPH!

Ganondorf: [blushes]
Pardon me, my dream is ripped
Because that bloody monster slipped
Leave me alone, let me deny it...
[sobs and throws the picture of Impa on the ground]
NO! I CAN'T! I HAVE TO BUY IT!

[Ganondorf slides out on his knees again and the Gerudo dance]

Gerudo Soldiers: [as he sings]
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

Ganondorf:
I'VE BEEN UPSTAGED!
My heartbeat quickens into rage!
My angel is the Shadow Sage!

Gerudo Soldiers:
ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

Ganondorf: [sobbing like a baby]
WE'RE ENEMIES, ORDAINED BY FATE!
[small instrumental]
MY ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!

Gerudo Soldiers:
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

[The song gradually slows to a stop, as Ganondorf is reduced to a sobbing, big babyish Evil King mass on the floor.]

Random Gerudo #1: [pokes him with her spear] Lord Ganondorf... are you all right?

Ganondorf: [sits up] WE'RE NOT DONE YET!

Ganondorf and Gerudo Soldiers: [music picks up again]
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

Ganondorf:
I'VE BEEN UPSTAGED!
MY HEARTBEAT QUICKENS INTO RAGE!
MY ANGEL IS THE SHADOW SAGE!

NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!
NA NA NA-NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA, NA!

[The Gerudo begin to innocently walk off, whistling the "na-na" part as they uncomfortably watch their king turn into a big green baby in a black cape. Finally, it's just Ganondorf, huddled in the middle of the stage, humming the "na-na" part.]

Ganondorf:
Na... na... na... [looks up and realizes that all of his soldiers are gone.]

[Stoically, Ganondorf stands up, sniffles, and walks over to the window of his tower. He gazes down at the horribly darkened and evil wasteland that is his kingdom, clenches his fist, and then bursts out into a loud scream as the camera zooms out and away from him to end the chapter.]

Ganondorf: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII [voice cracks] ACK- [sound of a throat being cleared] Ahem! -IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK !

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY-ONE ~*~*~*~*~*~*~