Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twenty: Bottom of the Well ( Chapter 21 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Stabbed Repeate- er, Written by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE TWENTY: Back-ariko in Kakariko -or- TIME WARP! -or- Fun At The Bottom of the Well

In this scene...

Link, the studly manly Hero of Time!
Young Link, the soon-to-be-studly manly Hero of Time!
Navi, his fairy sidekick!
Sheik, studly, manly Survivor of the Sheikah!
Impa, the Other Survivor of the Sheikah!
Freaky Evil Shadow TV Fuzz AKA Bongo-Bongo!
Random Residents of Kakariko Village!
Random Residents of Hyrule Castle Town!
The Deranged Windmill Guy!
The Deranged Windmill Guy's future persona, AKA DWG 3000 THE MINION OF DARKNESS!
The Dead... Hand... Slimy... White... Thing.
Random monsters at the bottom of the well!

And an evil GG cameo by Ganondorf, the Evil King!


(Scene: Ganondorf's Castle. Ominous, evil music plays in the background as the camera zooms in on his creepy main tower. Ganondorf sits at his organ, playing a few notes boredly.)

Ganondorf: [face crinkled] Curses... curses, curses, CURSES... CURSE THAT INSOLENT FOOL HERO OF TIME...

[Ganondorf begins playing more sour, angry notes as he talks about Link]

Ganondorf: I never knew he would be such a nuisance... I never thought he would DESTROY my favorite ghost clone, I never thought he'd so easily SMITE my little pet in the mountain, I never thought he'd EAT my evil amoeba!

[Now just plain pissed, Ganondorf plays the same four notes over and over again, sounding like he's going to break into a musical number any second now... which he is. HAHA.]

Ganondorf: That little pest has already awakened THREE SAGES... only TWO MORE until he has the strength he needs to confront me! That little pain in the ass... That little punk... that little FOOL... HE'S REALLY STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES!

[Ganondorf bursts into song, a Queen Medley (thought I'd get my Queen spree for this chapter out by doing one long song) that will more than likely take up way too much space in this chapter for just one, not really plot-related song. Up first it's "I'm Going Slightly Mad"]

Ganondorf: [jamming on his organ as he sings]
When your ordinary peasant uprises...
I have no problem and have no fear
One thousand and one people like that I have killed
But now one of them is tough, curses...
I have tried to do a few things
But then what does that moron do?
He just overcomes every obstacle
And he takes me for some kind of fool...

[He continues the song, as chorus line girls dressed in black robes and fishnet arm socks step out of the side of the stage, dancing in time with Ganondorf's playing.]

Ganondorf:
I'm getting slightly mad.
I'm getting slightly mad.
It will never happen... happen...
He will never beat me... Oh no
But since he won't give up...
I'm slightly MAAAAADDD...

[Snarling evilly, he slams one fist on the keys and continues]

Ganondorf: CURSES.

Link: [his laughter echoes through Ganondorf's subconscious] HAHAHA.

Ganondorf: [still playing with a serious snarl in his voice]
My phantom went out without much fight
My dragon looked silly
My amoeba just went to heck
I'm not my usual evil self...
My hair's falling out more than normal...
My skin looks a bit too green!
This hero is getting old...
I feel like killing another tree!
CURSES!

Chorus Singers:
OOOOH!

Ganondorf:
I'm getting slightly mad.
I'm getting slightly mad.
It will never happen... happen...
He will never beat me, oh no...
But since he won't give up...
I'm slightly MAAAAAD... CURSES!

[Ganondorf plays an instrumental on his organ as he broods]

Ganondorf: They're headed to Kakariko now... searching for the Shadow Sage, I'm SURE... Little to they know, I already KNOW who the Shadow Sage is... I've known her for a long time... And I've had a crush on her since the fourth grade, when she first punched me in the nose for trying to look up her skirt...

[Reaching down to the bottom of his organ, Ganondorf pushes a button, and the music immediately speeds up and the tone of the organ becomes light and cheery, like a piano.]

Ganondorf: [playing a cheerful melody, he smiles and gazes at the ceiling] But maybe, this would be a perfect opportunity for her to... get to know me again... If I were to say, take her to the Shadow Temple and let her get eaten by my shadow beast in the well... I could brainwash her and convince her how much she should really love me!

[Ganondorf now sings to the lighter song. It's "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy". ^.^ I apologize in advance for pushing my Ganondorf/Impa propaganda on you.]

Ganondorf: [sighs] Impa, my darling...
[singing]
I could dim the lights and play you songs
On my organ
We could do the tango, just for two...
I could serenade and gently pull
On her heaaartstrings
Be a King of Evil just for you...

[The melody picks up even more, and a cute fedora-style hat drops onto Ganondorf's head, and the gargoyle demons from around his organ stand up and start to dance with the chorus line girls from before as he plays.]

Demons and Girls:
OOH, LOVE!
OOH... LOVER BOY!

Ganondorf:
She'll be mine tonight!

Demons and Girls:
OOH, HEY BOY!

Ganondorf:
She'll get alarmed, and love my charm
When I snatch her from the temple like her lover boy!

[Ganondorf rocks his head back and forth as he plays]

Ganondorf:
OOH... I remember prom night...

Demons and Girls:
DISASTER-SASTER!

Ganondorf:
OOH... She put up a good fight!
She stole a piece of my heart, kept it there
And even after all these years it's still there
After all, how could she resist

All:
A REAL EVIL KING?!

Ganondorf:
If she makes a wish, it will be my command!

Demons and Girls:
OOH... LOVE...
OOH... LOVER BOY!

Ganondorf: [taps a secret panel on his organ, a large, disturbingly intricate shrine of Impa including pictures, candles, and small action figures of her is revealed as the panel slides to the side]
Can't forget that girl!

Demons and Girls:
OOH... HEY BOY!

Ganondorf: [playing with one hand, points at objects in the shrine with the other]
These love letters, my Irish Setter [points at a photo of Ganondorf hugging a puppy whose collar says "Impa"]
Even hired some guy to invent the telephone!

[Ganondorf slows down, and sings sweetly]

Ganondorf:
When I'm not with her... I think of her always

Demons and Girls:
HE DREAMS ABOUT THAT BAD PROM NIGHT...

Ganondorf:
When she's not with me... she thinks of me always...

Impa: [appears in the mystical viewing crystal at the top of the organ, slides on her knees and sings]
I HATE YOU...

Impa, Demons, Girls:
HAAAATE YOUUUU...

[The demons and girls bend down and snap their fingers at the ground as they walk around Ganondorf]

Demons and Girls:
HEY, BOY!
Why don't you get a clue?!
HEY BOY, go get a life!

Ganondorf:
I won't ever stop until real dead I drop
Or when Impa is my wife!

[The song continues on, with Ganondorf playing an impressive piano solo before he sings again. The girls and demons perform a fancy pants dance number.]

Ganondorf:
Gathering Sages, that Hero of Time...

Demons and Girls:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, HERO OF TIME!

Ganondorf:
If that wouldn't screw me up, it'd be just fine...
Into the temple before she meets her doom, I'll do a nice thing
And take her here so that she could be mine!
Impy-Wubby!

Demons and Girls:
OOH... LOVE... (Dig his evil plan!)
OOH... (He will win her heart!) LOVER BOY!

Ganondorf: [hugs a plushy of Impa]
I'm her special guy!

Demons and Girls:
OOH... HEY BOY!

Ganondorf: [eyes narrow as he prepares to wind up this part of the song]
It'll be all right
Just hold on tight, Impa
And you'll see that I'm a perfect...

Demons:
PERFECT...

Girls:
PERFECT...

Ganondorf:
LOVER BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY-

[He cuts out the song with sudden dark organ music as he breaks into "The Show Must Go On"]

Ganondorf: BUT MY PLAN WON'T GO ANYWHERE IF THAT PESKY BOY SHOWS UP TO SAVE HER AND AWAKEN HER! I WILL DESTROY THAT HERO OF TIME BEFORE HE EVEN GETS A CHANCE TO AWAKEN IMPA AS A SAGE!
[singing]
I let my anger...
Discourage me too much
I must remember...
The Triforce that I clutch!
ON... AND ON...
That boy had better know what he is fighting for!
Another hero... [snarls]
Trying to stop my crime
I thought he'd be toast...
He's still alive this time!
ON... AND ON...
I've got to smite that boy and then settle the score!

[The demons and girls pose dramatically as Ganondorf plays, throws off his fedora and sings]

Ganondorf:
THE GAME IS STILL ON!
THE GAME IS STILL ON!
His spirit is still breaking!
And weakness I'm still faking!
But we still... both fight on...

[Suddenly, Link appears on the other side of the stage, as we see him walking towards Kakariko, singing a duet of sorts with Ganondorf as he picks up the song. Navi follows behind silently.]

Link:
So I'm still going...
And I still have a chance!
No time for stalling!
There's no time for romance!
ON... AND ON...
I gotta keep in mind what I am fighting for!
[scowls and gazes up at the mountain]
Whatever happens
I've got to be prepared
I cannot turn back!
Not even if I'm scared!
Ganondorf's hold may be breaking!
But I'm starting to realize what is in store for me!

THE GAME IS STILL ON!
THE GAME IS STILL ON!
YEAAAAAAH!
Inside my boots I'm shaking!
My courage may be flaking!
But I know... I must fight on!

[Ganondorf jams on the piano and Link drops to his knees and screams out some more of the song as it builds.]

Ganondorf:
I won't give up even when chased by pretty hero guys!

Link:
And with the power of the Sage, I hope I'll never die!

Ganondorf and Link: [both screaming very loudly]
I'VE GOTTA TRYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIYYYYIIIIIIII UNTIL THE END!

[The Chorus singers back them both up as they continue]

THE GAME IS STILL ON!
THE GAME IS STILL ON!
I'LL TRY MY BEST TO WIN!
I'M NEVER GIVIN' IN!
OOOOONNNN WITH THE GAAAAME!

[Wild electric guitar rhythms echo in the background as Link and Ganondorf bring us home.]

Link:
I'LL PROVE MY WILL!

Ganondorf:
HIS ASS I'LL KILL!

Link and Ganondorf:
I'VE GOT TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON...
OOOONNN WITH THE...
OOOONNN WITH THE...
OOOONNN WITH THE... [high and squeaky] GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

[There is an extremely loud shattering noise, and our connection to Ganondorf's castle is explodes from the squeaky note. Our connection is lost as Link jumps in surprise and the song cuts out]

Link: WHOA! What was THAT!?

Navi: [suddenly paying attention] I think the duet snapped!

Link: ... What duet?

Navi: I don't know.

Link: Ah. [looks around suspiciously] Hey... where did Epona go?

Navi: She found a carrot patch and ditched us like a dirty diaper.

Link: [snorts] Spoiled rotten little snot horse... [sighs] At least we're almost to Kakariko Village.

Navi: I dunno Link... Are you sure we should be going here?

Link: Why not? Maybe we'll find someone who knows something about the other two Sages. [shrugs] There was the Forest Temple, the Fire Temple and the Water Temple... those were easy. They match with the Spiritual Stones... But I'm completely stumped on where and what the last two temples could be.

Audience: OOOH! OOOH! WE KNOW!

Navi: Hey, that's some of the best logic I've heard you use through this whole musical, Link!

Link: Thanks! [sniffs as they climb the steps to Kakariko] Mmm... Hey, I smell barbecue.

Navi: Yeah, me too. [sniffs] Mmm... smells delicious. I smell hot dogs.

Link: And bratwurst and hamburgers... [licks lips] And I bet they taste like Morpha!

Navi: [grins] Hey, maybe after we cleared the Fire Temple and saved the village from being smashed, everyone finally got happy again! Maybe the barbecue is in celebration of our victory!

Link: [gasps, eyes glitter] That would be AWESOME! The people in this village are all so depressed! A party would do them some good, so their spirits will lift before something else bad happens!

Navi: That way, when something else bad DOES happen, they'll be perfectly normal!

[Link and Navi arrive at the gate to the village, and stop short in their tracks as they realize that the villagers are not having a barbecue... They are BEING barbecued. The entire village is on fire, with panicking peasants speeding around like chickens (mmm... barbecued chicken...) with their heads cut off.]

Random Villager: AAAGGGH!!! OH DIN, THIS IS IT!

Random Villager #2: ME HOUSE IS ON FIRE! ME HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Random Villager #3: ALL OUR HOUSES ARE ON FIRE!

Random Villager: [falls to his knees in front of Link] AAAGGGH, DELIVER US FROM THE FURY OF THE FLAMES, SWEET NAYRU! AAAGGGGH!

Link: [blinks, mouth drops open as he sees all the flames]

Random Villager: [is suddenly squashed flat by a burning chunk of rubble off of one of the houses that has freakishly flown through the air] OW!

Navi: [gasps] Link... the village...

Random Villager: I'M... OKAY!

Link: [face goes pale, eyes widen] N-Navi... you don't think... that Fire Arrow I shot...

Navi: [blinks] Oh, Link...

[Link and Navi stand and watch the chaos around them with the faces that only a cute hero boy and his fairy who have just accidentally caused the destruction of a small village (or so they thought) could have.]

Link: [swallows hard] Oh boy... I'm in trouble now...

Navi: [gasps] Wait, Link... I feel something!

Link: What is it?! THE COPS ARE COMING FOR ME, AREN'T THEY?!

Navi: Two completely opposite feelings are hitting me... I feel on one side, the terrible, chilling breath of an evil monster!

Link: A MONSTER?! [sighs] PHEW! Just as long as it's not my fault.

Navi: And on the other side, the warm, swelling, happy impulses of my Bishonen-Radar going off... That way! [points at the well]

Link: Hey, check it out! Sheik's over there!

Navi: [squeals with delight] YAYEEE!

[Sheik stands near the well, relatively calm about all this chaos around him as he stares into the murky depths of the pit below.]

Link: No time for that Navi, let's go talk to Sheik and see if we can help!

[They race towards Sheik, who is standing, still staring eerily into the well with a serious look on his face]

Link: Hey Sheik!

Sheik: [startled, suddenly leaps three feet in the air, spins around and karate chops Link in the throat] GYAAAAAH!

Link: [gags, falls to the ground choking to death]

Navi: [blinks dreamily at him] ... Whoa.

Sheik: [gasps] Whoops, sorry Link... You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, especially at a time like this!

Link: [can't breathe] GAAGGHGGAAGH...

[Sheik pulls Link to his feet by the front of his tunic, and then does some weird hand movement on Link's throat. Link lets out a loud honk and can suddenly breathe and talk]

Link: OWWW! LAY OFF THE STIMULANTS, SPARKY!

Sheik: Sorry... [glares seriously around the village] But you've come at a really bad time!

[Buildings crash in on themselves in their flames, townspeople run away screaming, evil omens flood the air.]

Link: [is very aware of this] ... No kidding.

Sheik: Something has gone wrong at the bottom of the well... The seal on the well has worn off, and the evil shadow creature is escaping!

Link: [gasps] Evil... shadow... creature?

Sheik: Yes, that's what started all these fires!

Link and Navi: [GIGANTIC sighs of relief, they wipe sweat off of their foreheads]

Link: PHEW.

Sheik: [glares angrily] That wicked monster found a Fire Arrow in a tree and set the whole village on fire!

Link: [goes pale again] UH...

[Suddenly, there is an unearthly howling noise from down inside the well. Link and Sheik leap backward in shock, both of them staring at the well with serious glances]

Noise From The Well: EERRAAAUAAGGGHHHHH!

Sheik: [prepares to fight] Link, get back!

Link: [nudges Sheik in the elbow] Who's the freaking Hero of Time here? I'll kill it right here!

Sheik: [pushes Link away] No, let me handle it! You're not strong enough yet!

Link: [shoves Sheik hard so he stumbles] What are YOU gonna do, ninja-flash it to death?

Sheik: [kicks Link in the shins] You must stay safe, Link, all of Hyrule depends on you!

Link: [kicks Sheik away from him with one foot, Sheik lands on his butt] Worry about your own self, Mr. Wonderful!

Sheik: [gasps, stands up, body-checks Link to the side] YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!

Link: [bitch-slaps Sheik] GET OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN SMITE THE SHADOW THINGY YOU STUPID SHEIKAH!

Sheik: [bitch-slaps Link right back] YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A WUSSY YOU COWARDLY LITTLE MAGGOT!

Link: I'LL KILL YOU YOU-

Sheik: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU-

[Navi watches in amazement, and the villagers even stop running in terror to watch two very attractive blond young men beating the poop out of each other in the middle of the village, right in front of the well, which has begun to glow purple and shoot out blood and murmur incantations from Linda Blair in "The Exorcist".]

Link and Sheik: [beating poop out of each other] WAAAGGGH! DIE, YOU BASTARD!

Villagers and Navi: ...

Noise From Well: GREEAAAGGGGGHHHHH! [The bucket frame of the well goes flying off and shatters into bits]

[Link is about to throttle Sheik's head off, and Sheik is about to poke Link in the eyes when they stop in mid throttle and poke and stare at the well with wide, frightened eyes.]

Evil Shadow Spirit: [comes slithering out of the well looking like TV fuzz, in all its scary bright purple and howling glory] GREEAAAGGGGGGHHHH!

Link and Sheik: AAAGGGGGHHH! [they both let go of each other and dive for safety on the ground, covering their heads]

[The Shadow Spirit goes soaring across the village, over flaming buildings and all over the ground, almost like it's looking for something.]

Sheik: [jumps to his feet, strikes a ninja pose] That's it, we've got to stop it NOW!

Link: [grabs his sword and jumps to his feet as well] IT GOIN' DOWN!

[The Shadow Spirit about-faces and charges straight at Link and Sheik, who are standing bravely before it, refusing to step down]

Link: [yells bravely] You ready Sheik?!

Sheik: Ready as I'll ever be! [eyes Link] You?

Link: It's coming closer and closer... I'M READY FOR IT, BABY!

Sheik: [nods, smirks] Yes... we'll take it down and save the village... [freezes, prepares to attack] Ready Link?

Link: [running away] AAAAAHHHHHH!

Sheik: [spins around throws up his arms] LINK, GET BACK HE-

[Just as he does this, the shadow spirit clobbers Sheik, knocking him into the air. Sheik screams in terror as the spirit begins whipping him around like a rag doll, and shaking him like crazy]

Sheik: [screaming like a woman] AAGGGHAAAGGGGHHHAAAGGGGHHH!

Link: [spins around, sees Sheik in trouble] YIKES! SHEIK!

Navi: [thumps him in the head] OH, NOW YOU CARE?!

Link: [eyes get narrow] I LOVE HIM, NAVI!

[The shadow spirit stops wringing Sheik's neck or whatever it's doing, and glances at Link oddly. But his confused look is nothing compared to Sheik's, with his one visible eye bulging out in utter terror and confusion.]

Link: [hurls himself at the monster] SHEEEEEEEEEEIK!

Sheik: N-no, wait! I changed my mind! Let the monster get me!

Link: I'LL SAVE YOU!

Sheik: [waving his arms frantically] NO! I'LL SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR HYRULE, IT'S REALLY OKAY!

Shadow Spirit: [looks confused, for a fuzzy purple thing] ... Grrrg?

[Navi watches, blinking]

Navi: ... Well, that coupling had to come sooner or later, I suppose, with the way you've been on and off liking every eligible character so far.

Link: [swinging like at madman at the shadow spirit, his sword is cutting right through its fuzzy purple body] WAAGH! DIE, DIE, and DIE!

Excruciatingly Cute Small Child: [in his mother's arms as the two of them flee the village] Mommy! Mommy, look! Who's THAT man?!

Mother: [gasps] Junior... I think it's the Hero of Time!

Excruciatingly Cute Small Child: Mommy, does that mean we're saved?!

Link: [getting frustrated, hurling himself at the Shadow Spirit with utter fury] AAGGGH, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE YOU TV FUZZ! DIE!!! WAAGGGHHH! [starts crying like a baby, flailing spastically, making whiny noises] EEEEHHHH, EHHHH!

Mother: [pauses, then continues to flee] No, Junior, we're still screwed.

Sheik: [getting flung around like a rag doll again] LINK! STOP ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT AND SAVE ME!

[The Shadow Spirit gets bored with the ninja boy (Wow, how on earth did that happen?) and flings him aside, deciding that he'd rather play with the other cute blond at the scene]

Sheik: [screams like a girl- not kidding, he really DOES!] WAAAAAGGGGHHHHH-OOF! [lands face down on the ground in a heap, doesn't get up]

Link: [steps backwards as the Shadow Spirit comes towards him] TCH!

Navi: LINK, HURRY, GET YOUR SHIELD OUT!

Link: [does so] COME ON AT ME YOU CHICKENWUSSY!

Shadow Spirit: [does so, snatches Link up starts throwing him around and kicks his ass]

Link: AAGGGH, I WASN'T SERIOUS! OOF! OUCH! YEEEOW! OWIE! WHAM-O! OUCHIES! WOW THAT HURTS! STOP IT, AAGGGHH! No... wait... not that... NOT THAT... NOT-

[The screen goes blank, and we hear Link scream in agony.]

Link: AAIEEEEEEEGAAAAGGGGHGGGGAAIIEEEEEYEEEKYAAAA!

[Wow, that is one interesting scream.]

(Scene: Kakariko Village. It's raining heavily on what before was a burning mass of houses... Miraculously, there seems to be no evidence that there ever was a fire here! Lucky for those lazy programmers, huh? Link is laid out in front of the well on his back, and Sheik and Navi are bending over him, checking his injuries)

Sheik: [sighs, wipes raindrops out of his hair] Doesn't look like he's hurt seriously...

Navi: [sighs] Thank goodness... but he's had a lot worse than that.

Sheik: Worse than being flung around by an evil shadow spirit?

Navi: Heck, yeah. He got hit by a humpy-zombie in a Long-Story-Short back in chapter 7.

Sheik: [whistles] Ouch.

Link: [moans] Unnnhh...

Sheik: [nudges him] Link...? You okay?

Navi: [flutters around spastically] Link ol' buddy ol' pal! Are ya hurt?

Link: [blinks a few times, continues staring up at the two]

Sheik: [shakes him] Link! Speak to us! Sit up, shake it off! You'll be okay!

Navi: Oh Link, I'm so happy you're all right! I was so scared!

Link: [still blinking, makes an odd face, starts to turn blue]

Sheik: [gasps] What's the matter with him?!

Navi: Why's he turning blue like that?!

Link: [gagging]

Sheik: [whips face up, stares at Navi worriedly] What if the shadow spirit cast a hex on him?!

Navi: What if he's slowly getting the life sucked out of him?!

Link: [turns blue, gagging, shaking like he's having a seizure]

Sheik: [starts screaming frantically] WHAT IF HE'S BEEN POSSESSED?!

Navi: WHAT IF THEY STOLE HIS SOUL AND ARE USING IT AS PART OF SOME EVIL VOODOO RITUAL!?

Link: [eyes roll back in his head, starts gargling up water]

Sheik: [grabs Link, lifts up his body, clutches him close] OH LINK! YOU'RE THE HERO OF TIME, THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO YOU! YOU MUST LIVE LINK, YOU MUST LIVE!

Navi: [flitting around like a lunatic] LINK, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! YOU CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS LINK, YOU CAN'T!

[Link stares up at Sheik, still gagging and shaking, moves his hand]

Sheik: What is it, Link?! What is it?! What's happening to you?!

Navi: Oh Link, please say something! We'll save you, I promise!

[All of a sudden, with a loud belching noise, Link coughs up a spray of water right in Sheik's face. Sheik pauses for a moment as Link starts coughing like crazy, then takes a deep breath and speaks]

Link: [raspy voice] WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! YOU DON'T LEAVE AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON FACE-UP IN THE RAIN!

Navi: ... LINK! [nearly tackles him with joy] YOU'RE OKAY!

Sheik: ... EW. [wipes Link spit off of his face]

Link: [coughs a few more times, sits up] OW... What... what happened?

Sheik: You got your little blond ass kicked by Bongo-Bongo, the evil shadow spirit of Kakariko Village.

Link: ... evil shadow spirit? And they named it BONGO-BONGO?

Sheik: In Sheikah, it means something like, "SWEET GODDESSES, STOP THAT GOD-AWFUL DRUMMING".

Navi: Oohh, the terror. [dripping with sarcasm]

Sheik: [shakes his head sadly] Good grief Link, you got your ass kicked... you looked like a total weenie out there.

Link: Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. [glares at Sheik out of the corner of one eye]

[Sheik's Theme begins to play in the background as the studly Sheikah begins to relate the tale of what happened.]

Sheik: [sighs] I know... I thought that with my power I could hold back the spirit at least until you got here... Apparently, I was wrong, though. [cracks his neck]

Link: What "power" of yours are you talking about?

[Sheik pulls a small tape recorder out of his pocket and presses PLAY; "Hey Mr. Wonderful" blasts out of it very loudly and a selection of Sheikah women pop out of random places around them. His shirt also begins to slowly come undone, and the rain in his hair begins to sparkle.]

Navi: [blows her nose, blood comes out] Well, who knew that it wouldn't like THAT?!

Link: Navi certainly does!

Sheik: [puts away the tape player] Yes... normally, my powers are unstoppable... [glares mysteriously and very sexily]

Navi: So, ah... besides... [seductive voice]... THAT... what exactly happened before we got here, Sheik? We show up and the whole place had gone south!

Sheik: It was a terrible, terrible turn of events... You see, about 5 years ago, when you were still asleep, an evil, malevolent shadow spirit straight from the bowels of you-know-where plagued the villagers. It seems that it was pissed off about its stupid name.

Link: Ganondorf's fault?

Sheik: More than likely. That evil wretch wanted to spread the pain he felt about his own easily made-fun-of name...

Navi: ... MONSTER...

Sheik: Bongo-Bongo continually terrorized the village, and it killed hundreds of people, before finally, someone managed to seal it at the bottom of the well.

Link: What kind of stupid place is THAT to seal something up?! All you need is one little Timmy falling down there...

Sheik: [shrugs] Well, it was THERE. Saved us some digging time... It was the first idea we had.

Navi: So you locked an evil shadow spirit down where you got your water?

Sheik: I didn't say it was a GOOD idea. And besides, we sort of decided it would be handy to seal it down there so it could protect an ancient relic that also lies at the bottom of the well.

Link: OOOH, WHAT, WHAT!? IS IT SHINY?!

Sheik: Exceptionally. It was also the only thing that could help defeat the spirit.

Navi: What was it?!

Sheik: I forgot.

Navi: ... You forgot?!

Sheik: Give me a break, purple fuzz just throttled me.

Link: ... Well anyway, why the well?

Sheik: The man who created the ancient relic used to live in that precise spot, when this was a Sheikah village... the well was built over the remains of his home, and it helped to protect that relic. You know, we built it to... ah... honor him.

Navi: ... You built over the remains of his house?

Sheik: He owed us all money.

Link: ... Ah.

Sheik: [sighs, scratching his head] But anyway, back to the spirit and the seal... As long as there was water in the well to keep the seal's stone moist, the spirit would remain trapped there... but somehow, seven years ago, the well was drained and never filled again, and then something happened to loosen the seal... Then bang-zoom, we've got killer purple fuzz on our hands.

Link: [in deep thought] Okay... so that's how the thing got here...

Sheik: [continues] The spirit escaped just as I was arriving here to check up on someone... It set fire to the village, and... well, you know what happened. After we were both knocked unconscious, the spirit fled to the Shadow Temple beneath the graveyard.

Link: Sh-Shadow Temple?

Sheik: Yes... that is the next temple you must free.

Link: [pales] Beneath the graveyard?!

Sheik: Yes.

Link: What a convenient place for a temple! [whining voice] THERE'LL BE DEAD THINGS DOWN THERE! DEAD THINGS THAT STINK!

Sheik: [shakes his head] Impa went there to seal up the monster...

Navi: EH?! [glows brightly] Impa?!

Link: As in, Zelda's nanny, Impa?!

Navi: As in, other Sheikah Impa?

Link: As in, fine piece of meat Impa?

[Sheik slugs Link very hard across the face]

Sheik: THAT'S MY AUNT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Link: OWIE... Well it's TRUE!

Navi: [gags]

Sheik: Be serious, Link! She'll be in danger without any help!

Link: So what are you saying?

Sheik: Impa is the Sage of Shadow, Link!

[BUM BUM BUUUUUMMMM! Dramatic music plays as Link and Navi snap to attention]

Link and Navi: EEEHHH?!

Sheik: [covers his mouth] Oops... I wasn't supposed to spill...

Link: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

Sheik: She IS my aunt, you know... Impa knows she's the Sage as well. She must only undergo her awakening before she can ascend to her Sagehood.

Navi: YOU MEAN YOU'VE KNOWN WHO ALL THE SAGES WOULD BE UP TO THIS POINT?!

Sheik: I didn't say THAT.

Link: [leaps to his feet] AHA! YOU LIAR! YOU DID KNOW! Remember, he saved Ruto from the ice, Navi!

Navi: BECAUSE HE KNEW SHE WAS THE SAGE!

Sheik: [backs away slowly] WAH! No, really, I didn't know!

Link: Yeeeaaaaah, sure ya didn't... [glares at Sheik with disgust] You're holding out on me... just like everyone else in this world...

Sheik: [clears his throat] Anyway... Link, there is only one way to enter the Shadow Temple, and that is to play the song that will draw you deeper into the darkness...

Navi: The Diddy of Darkness?

Sheik: No, we renamed it the Nocturne of Shadow.

Navi: Eh?

Sheik: [pulls his harp out of Hammerspace] Actually... we had a problem with people giggling when we announced its title.

Link: [slowly pulls out his Ocarina] Okey dokey, ready when you are.

___________________________________________
___<_______________________<_______________
________>_____>__________________>_________
______________________________________V____

____________________A______________________

[Thunder crashes and dramatic lighting effects attempt, but fail at distracting us from the two sexy blondes jamming in the middle of Kakariko. Navi rocks back and forth as she listens to the song, and finally, we assume Link has learned it.]

Sheik: Excellent... Now... I will stay here and take care of the village, and you may head for the temple whenever you see fit.

Link: [raises one hand] IMPA, I'M COMING!

Sheik: Except for now.

Link: ERK! Why not?

Sheik: Trust me, you'll get spanked if you go in there now... you need eyes that can see the truth in that temple.

Navi: What kind of god-awful metaphor was that?

Sheik: It's not god-awful. It's been doing a very good job of keeping out stupid commoners for a very long time now.

Link: Eyes that can see what now?

Sheik: The truth.



Link: Oh, you mean that relic thingy at the bottom of the well?

Sheik: [twitches] I didn't say that.

Link: [smirks and nods] Yep, that's what it is. Come on Navi, let's go get it!

Sheik: Hey, hey! I didn't necessarily say that it was the-


Navi: Oooh goody, I wonder if that relic is really as shiny as Sheik said it was?

Sheik: [a bit irked] What makes you think that the Lens of Truth is wha- [pauses, slaps himself in the forehead] D'OH!

Link: Jeez Sheik, for the Survivor of the Sheikah, you sure are rotten at keeping all their mystical secrets!

Navi: Hey, and since Impa's alive, you're not the Survivor of them anymore! You lost your title!

Sheik: [grumbles, turning around and stomping away]

Link: What was that?

Sheik: [pissed] GET YOUR ASS DOWN IN THAT WELL, GET THAT STUPID RELIC, GET YOUR ASS TO THE SHADOW TEMPLE AND SAVE IMPA!

[Sheik throws a mystic Sheikah marble and vanishes, thus skipping out on his promise to protect the village. What a slacker!]

Link: [adjusts his belt] Well Navi, looks like I've outsmarted him ONCE AGAIN!

Navi: Wouldn't quite say that...

Link: Aaah, yes... now... about that well...

[Link strolls over to the well and gazes down it. It is empty, but there is still a creepy cloud of purple gaseous stuff where Bongo-Bongo has left a bit of himself behind.]

Link: Boy... sure is creepy down there.

Navi: That's why they call it The Well of Three Features.

Link: They do?

Navi: Yes. "DARK! NARROW! SCARY!".

Link: They certainly hit the nail on the head.

[Link hoists one leg over the side of the well and gives Navi a salute]

Link: Well, here I go...

Navi: You're not going to jump, are you?

Link: [latches on to the ladder] Of course not!

Navi: Good... I was afraid we'd have another situation like we did a few chapters ago.

Link: [scratches his head with one hand] Whatcha talkin' about?

Navi: You know... that sick joke about the one boss...

Link: [begins climbing down the ladder] What boss?

Navi: You know, the one? In the Fire Temple?

Link: You mean Volvagia? [throws arms up] YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SPLAT!

[Reviving the sickly, long-since dead joke, Link tumbles down to the bottom of the well and lands flat on his back in a pool of yecchy-looking water.]

Navi: [winces as he hits the ground] ... That joke was SO dead.

Link: OWWWIEEEEEHEEEHEEEE! [clutching at his kidneys] I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PEE RIGHT AGAIN!

Navi: [shakes her head sadly as she goes down to remedy her charge] Sorry, Link! I really am... The author's getting lamer and lamer.

Link: [stands up slowly, wobbling, places one hand against the side of the well to hold himself up] Now, now, Navi, that's not very fair to the author...

Navi: ... Link, she's resorting to making jokes about her own lameness. THAT'S lame.

Link: But you should be ashamed of yourself, trivializing all the work that the poor author put into this fanfiction, all for the enjoyment of the readers!

Navi: [gasps] Eh?

Link: [rubs his kidneys with one hand and places the other across his heart] After all... she takes it upon herself to bring a little laughter into this dark and clouded world of ours... she takes it upon herself to make light of terrible situations, just to make us smile...

Navi: [sniffles] You're so right...

[Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake Theme" plays in the background, appropriately dramatic music for Link's speech. The stage darkens and a spotlight shines on Link, who drops to his knees to deliver his soliloquy. Flags with pictures of the author crying hard on the end of her bed unfurl across the room and wave in the breeze.]

Link: After all... The authors sacrifice many things for us... time... money they could have received by getting a job... their social lives... And all we can do... [sniffles, wipes away a tear] All we can do is NAG... NAG FOR MORE CHAPTERS... NAG FOR BETTER JOKES... NAG FOR SPECIFIC SONGS...

Navi: THOSE TERRIBLE PEOPLE!

Link: THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED! WE SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED FOR STRESSING OUT THE AUTHOR! THE BEAUTIFUL, MELODIOUS AUTHOR, WHO GIVES US SO MANY THINGS... THIS BEAUTIFUL... THIS... THIS BEAUTIFUL... MELODIOUS... WONDERFUL... THIS BEAUTIFUL...

Navi: [now riveting her attention to Link] Go on, go on!

Link: This wonderful... this spectacular... this... this...

Navi: [gasps, in anticipation of the finale]

[Link suddenly pauses and takes a deep breath. The serious look on his face slowly melts off]

Link: ... this place smells like poogas.

Navi: [sweatdrop] ... Nice finale.

Link: Thank yooooou. [strikes a triumphant pose and begins walking as fast as he can into the tunnel] Now, into the well to recover the-

BANG!

[Link is suddenly on the floor again, rubbing the side of his head.]

Link: GAAAAAH... [shakes his fist at the sky] WHEN THINGS GET LAME, LINK GETS HURT, IS THAT HOW IT GOES ALL HIGH N'-MIGHTY AUTHOR LADY?!

[Thunder ripples through the rainy sky, just to show Link that yes, that is the truth.]

Navi: I thought she was beautiful and exalted.

Link: I LIIIIED! I just want a bigger paycheck!

[Link's pants fall off.]

Link: [pulls them up indignantly] REAL MATURE, AUTHOR!

Navi: Can we get back to the reason you fell down now, please?

Link: [glares up at the sky, then turns to the thing he ran into]

[Well surprise, surprise. The tunnel leading into the bottom of the well is plugged up by a big cracked stone, which we can only assume is the seal that Bongo-Bongo cracked while making his escape.]

Link: ... We can't get in there?!

Navi: [lets out a deep, heaving sigh] UGGGGH... [smashes her body against the stone] Bad news, Link... this is a holy seal! We won't be able to break it no matter what we do!

Link: B-but Bongo-Bongo broke it!


Navi: Bongo-Bongo is not a weenie-boy in a skirt.

Link: AND NEITHER AM I! [takes out the Megaton Hammer, as I'm sure so many of us did]

Navi: [backs away as he gets that maniacal glint in his eye] L... L-LINK?!

Link: HAMMERTIIIIIME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
TWO HOURS LATER, LINK HAD OPENED THE SEAL... NOT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: At the top of the well, Navi sits, holding a small umbrella to keep the rain off of her, and listening to the agonized squealing of Link, who is down in the tunnel, apparently banging very hard on things to try and loosen the seal.)

Navi: [sips a lemonade] Done yet?

[We hear Link's body collapse at the bottom of the well]

Link: [gasping for breath] I... HAVE NOT... YET... BEGUN... TO... WHACK!

Navi: ... Riiight.

[There are more obnoxious pounding sounds as Navi begins pondering slowly to herself]

Navi: Well... let's think about this here... The only way we can get in there would be to get past that seal... and the seal has been there since five years ago, and the water was the thing keeping Bongo-Bongo sealed inside.

Link: [fires up a jackhammer]

Navi: [sipping her lemonade, still thinking] But for some reason, the water dried up... hmmm... The pump that brought the water into the well must have been destroyed somehow... But I wonder, where is that pump? It must be somewhere in the village...

Link: GRAA-AAA-AAG-GGG-HHH-HHHH! [We can only assume he is riding the jackhammer]

Navi: Someone here has to know something about... [she glances around the village at the villagers, who are standing out in the rain blankly staring around like they normally do in their little NPC way.]

[As she looks at the windmill, there is suddenly a tremendous crash of thunder and lightning, accompanied by terrifying organ music.]

Navi: ... The windmill...? [stares at it]

Thunder and Lightning: [crash around the windmill]

Navi: Could that possibly be the reason the well got drained...? The windmill... something happened to the- [gasp of realization] ... OH... [all color drains from her body]... NO.

Link: [crawls out of the well, extremely sweaty, with dust all over] DARN THE LUCK... That thing ain't gonna move, Navi... [sees her staring up at the windmill] Whatcha lookin' at?

Navi: [very nervous voice] Link... do you remember that terrifying man we met a little bit after we woke up and came here?

Link: [eyes get very small, his heart starts pounding quickly] Y-you mean... Deranged Windmill Guy?

Navi: Yes... Do you remember what he was talking about when he was singing?

Link: [gulps heavily] S-something about a kid with an Ocarina...

Navi: [also gulps heavily] I h-hate to say it, Link... b-but... I think we have to... t-to...

Link: [grabs Navi in one hand] NO! NEVER! I SAID I'D NEVER LET MYSELF GO IN THERE AGAIN!

Navi: B-but Link, that guy might know something about the well... And how we can get in...

Link: [squeezes her] NO WAY! NEVER! NUH-UH! NOPE! NYET! THERE IS NO WAY YOU'LL EVER FORCE ME TO TALK TO THAT PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER EVER AGAIN!

(Scene: Five minutes later, Link and Navi find themselves backed against the wall next to a pair of broken-down, bloodstained chairs in the windmill loft. Their host, the Deranged Windmill Guy 3000, brews a pot of tea (at least, I hope it's tea...) at a small stove across the way. He is still cranking his music box handle ceaselessly and giggling maniacally, muttering threatening phrases every few seconds.)

Link: [pale as death, too scared to move, breathing heavily] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FORCED ME TO TALK TO THAT PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER AGAIN...

Navi: [talking through clenched teeth] DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS...

DWG3000: [singing under his breath to a scary remix of the Song of Storms]
Brew the tea
Brew the tea
I have got some guests, you see
Come to hear account
Why I'm of my mind, out...
Stab 'em good
Stab 'em good
Make dinner and eat 'em good
If I hear that Song of Storms...

[Link and Navi smile extremely fakely as they wet their pants. The DWG 3000 turns around and carries over a chipped teapot filled with boiling... something.]

DWG3000: [sinister, but calm giggle]
Have some tea
Have some tea
While you sit and talk to me
I rarely have guests...
They get cardiac arrest
They're afraid
They're afraid
Of the evil plans I've made
To do with that stupid kid...

Link: [sits down in a chair, still absolutely stiff, wets his pants again, shaking like crazy as he takes a chipped teacup full of tea that looks suspiciously like wood chips] Er... y-yes s-sir... ab-b-bout that k-kid...

Navi: W-we were wondering...

DWG3000: [eyes go crazily bloodshot and he glares at Navi]
YOU ARE BRIGHT!
YOU ARE BRIGHT!
GLOWING WITH A MAGIC LIGHT!
TURN IT OFF BEFORE
I HAVE TO DO IT FOR... YOU!

Navi: [hides in Link's hat, wetting herself again]

Link: [no more skin color left in him, he is pure white with bloodshot, terrified eyes as he sips from his cup, spilling most of it in his lap] W-w-well anyway... M-M-Mr. Crazy Windmill G-G-Guy...

DWG3000: [maniac grin with big, shiny, sharp teeth]
YEEEEEEEEEEEEES?

Link: [bursts out as he wets himself again] WE WERE WONDERING ABOUT HOW THIS WINDMILL GOT MESSED UP AND DRAINED THE WELL!

[There is a tremendous crash of thunder as the DWG leaps out of his chair and onto the spinning part of the windmill, cranking his music box and lifting the top. He pulls out a variety of Kabuki masks and howling out his own musical number that is to the tune of... three guesses.]

DWG3000: [puts on a Kabuki mask that resembles his less-crazy self]
THERE I WAS!
ON THAT DAY!
I WOULD SIT HERE AND I'D PLAY
Just a normal song...
All of the day long...
It would sound!
It was ring!
And sometimes I liked to sing
To the song I had made up...

Link: [stops acting afraid, watches with rapt interest. Apparently, he is a fan of Kabuki Theater. Navi come out of his hat and perches on his shoulder]

DWG3000: [dons a young Link mask that for some reason has devil horns and evil eyes]
THEN ONE DAY!
THEN ONE DAY!
AS I GOT UP FOR TO PLAY!
A random little kid...
Came in here, he did...
PLAYED MY SONG...
PLAYED MY SONG...
BUT THE BASTARD PLAYED IT WRONG!
HE CALLED IT THE "SONG OF STORMS"!

Link: [raises an eyebrow] ... I did NOT.

DWG3000: [dons a mask that shows himself crying]
THEN IT BROKE!
THEN IT BROKE!
I THOUGHT IT WAS SOME KIND OF JOKE!
Up the windmill sped!
AND THEN THE BRAT FLED!
OUT IT RAN!
OUT IT RAN!
THEN THE WELL EMPTIED AGAIN!
ALL BECAUSE THE "SONG OF STORMS"!
[dons a vicious, crazy mask]
HOW DARE HE?
HOW DARE HE?
RUIN THIS PRECIOUS THING O' ME?
HE RUINED MY LIFE!
WHERE'S MY HOBO KNIFE?!
HIM I'LL STAB!
HIM I'LL KILL!
HE WILL PAY, OH YES HE WILL!
PAY FOR THAT DARN SONG OF STORMS!

Link: [slowly rises to his feet as the windmill guy turns to him and removes his mask] Navi...

Navi: That's it... The Song of Storms... whatever it is, you must have played it here when you were a kid, Link!

Link: NAVI...

Navi: Or... AHA. You must have gone back in time from now back to when you were a kid! And then you played the song and messed up the windmill... you jumped back to before the seal was in place and snagged the Lens of Truth from the well THEN!

Link: [grabs her] NAVIII...

Navi: I'm having an epiphany, and will you stop grabbing me?! What is it?

Link: I WANT TO LEAVE.

Navi: Why?

[Link points in front of them, where the DWG3000 is glaring them straight in the face with his bloodshot eyes, less than 3 inches from their faces.]

Navi: [freezes] EEP.

DWG3000:
YOU KNOW HIM!
YOU KNOW HIM!
YOU KNOW IF HIS NAME IS JIM!
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE
THAT KID KEEPS HIS LAIR?
POINT IT OUT!
POINT IT OUT!
SO THAT I CAN SCREAM AND SHOUT!
AND SO I WON'T CUT YOUR FACE!

Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!

[Link flings his cup of tea in the DWG's face, he screams in agony and clutches as the scalding hot liquid with wood chips in it hits him in the face. He falls over, grabbing his face with one hand and still cranking his music box with the other.]

DWG3000: GRAAGGGGGGGH!
OH MY FACE!
OH THE PAIN!
HOW MY LIFE WENT DOWN THE DRAIN!
SINCE I HEARD THAT SONG OF STORMS!
COME BACK HERE!
COME BACK HERE!
I AM GONNA SMITE YOUR REAR!
COME SO I CAN KILL YOU DEEEEAAAD...

Link: [heading for the door, his voice trails off] GOODBYEMISTERPSYCHOTICWINDMILLGUYIHOPEINEVEREVERSEEYOUAGAINI'MGOINGTOGOBACK TOTHEPASTANDDRAINTHEWELLNOWWHICHWILLCOINCIDENTALLYDRIVEYOUINSANEANDTURNYOUI NTOTHELUNATICYOUARETODAY! INCIDENTALLYI'MVERYSORRYABOUTTHATBUTLOOKIT'SFORTHESALVATIONOFHYRULESOIHOPEY OUCANFINDITINYOUTOFORGIVEMETHANKSFORTHETEAIGOTTAGONOWI'DRATHERLIKETOKEEPMYB ODILYORGANSINTACTFAREWELLHOPEINEVERSEEYOUAGAIN!

[The door SLAMS as Link and Navi flee for their lives and the windmill guy lies on the floor cackling madly]

DWG3000:
HE WILL PAY!
SHE WILL PAY!
EV-ER-Y-BO-DY WILL PAY!
ONCE I GET UP OFF THE FLOOR...
HOOOHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

(Scene: Link and Navi ride Epona off into the distance, running, running running as FAST as they can to the Temple of Time and away from the DWG.)

Navi: I just had a thought, Link.

Link: [glancing over his shoulder every few seconds] What's that, Navi?

Navi: We already learned the Song of Storms.

Link: [eyes slowly widen] ... What?

Navi: The first time we saw that nut... you wrote down the song he told us on a sticky note and put it in the pocket of your tunic.

Link: [holding the reins with one hand, reaches into the pocket of his tunic with the other and pulls out a sticky note with the Song of Storms inscribed on it] ... YOU... HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

Navi: [cowers]

Link: [eyes narrow] THAT... STUPID... AUTHOR... FORGOT... THAT WE... ALREADY... KNEW... THE SONG... OF STORMS...

Navi: Link... come on, now.

Link: THAT BIG FAT STUPID IDIOT AUTHOR MADE US GO IN THERE WITH THAT FREAKY-ASS KNIFE-WEILDING NUT FOR NO GOOD REASON?!

Navi: [backs away slowly] Eep.

Link: THAT AUTHOR... SHE... SHE... SHEEEEEE...

Navi: [plugs her ears]

Link: [crosses his arms, immediately calmer]... is going to get SUCH a pinch when all this is over.


Navi: ... is that it?

Link: [bursts out screaming irately] @*%!*%!&%& IDIOT!

[A bolt of lightning strikes Epona in the butt, sending her racing as fast as she can PAST the castle and towards a wall]

Navi: [watches the castle town go by] LINK, YOU MISSED THE TEMPLE OF TIME!

Link: WHOA HORSEY! WHOA! WHOAAAA HORSEY! AAAAAGGGHHHH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK SUFFERED SOME SEVERE INJURIES AND THEN GOT TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Inside the Temple of Time, soft rock and roll music seems to be building up in the background as Link walks towards the Pedestal of Time, past the Spiritual Stones, and on his way to go back in time like Sheik told him he could.)

Link: Navi... do you think this is actually going to work?

Navi: Well... since it was SHEIK who told us and not that moronic owl, I'm going to guess so...

Link: [gulps as he arrives in front of the Pedestal of Time, the Master Sword in hand] You th-think... this is gonna hurt?

Navi: I don't know...

Link: [gulps again] You th-think... this is gonna be confusing?

Navi: Really, I don't know... But I feel a song coming on.

Link: [eyes widen] Oh, really?

Navi: Yeah! And I have a feeling that I'm gonna start it... Any minute no- [cut off as she turns to the camera and speaks in a low, creepy voice]
It's astounding...
Time is... fleeting.
Madness... takes its toll.
A place where swords make...
Time start... receding.
Link... it's... time to roll.

[Yes. It's THAT song. "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, the SCARIEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! In a freaky sort of way, not a horror movie sort of way. Let's keep in mind I'm doing this song from memory, so don't stab me when I get it wrong. ^.~]

[Wild piano chords break into the song as flashing multi-colored lights come on and Link begins strutting around with the sword in his hands as he sings.]

Link:
I REEMEEEEEEMBERRRR!
DOIN' THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP!
TAKING... OUT THE SWORD ON THAT DAY!

Navi: [cuts in, fluttering over his shoulder]
Now a chance we be TAAAAKIN'!

Link and Navi:
NOW THE PAST'S AGAIN... CALLING...

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi: [screaming]
LEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WARP AGAIN!
LEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WARP AGAIN!

[Link holds the sword up over his head, preparing to plunge it into the Pedestal of Time when there is suddenly a great blue flash of light. A lot of pretty girls are suddenly standing around him, dressed in sparkly blue bikinis with thick makeup on their faces. He grins, then holds his sword like a Vaudeville cane and joins them in a dance]

Link: [Does the moves as he says them]
Just put your hands on the hilt...

Dancers, Link, Navi: [do some crazy hip movements]
AND SWIZZLE HIPS TO THE RIIIIIIIGHT!

Link: [dips]
Do a couple of dips...

Dancers, Link, Navi: [do some dorky kneeling then standing movements]
AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIIIIIIIIGHT!
AND THEN SOME PELVIC THRUUUUSTS
TO DRIVE THE FANGIRLS INSAY-AY-AY-AY-AYYYYNE!

Fangirls: [pass out]
UUUUHHHNNN!

Dancers, Link, Navi: [throw their arms up dramatically and scream]
LEEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!
LEEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!

[The lovely ladies and Navi perform an elaborate dance number as Link once again tries to place the sword back in the Pedestal of Time, but is interrupted as he hears his cue. Holding the sword up in the air proudly, he slides out on his knees and wails out his part.]

Link:
It's so DREEEAMY! CONFUSED ME COMPLEEEETELY!
Lost somewhere for... oh, SEVEN YEARS!
In another dimension... Stopping Ganon's intentions!
Now my true time has... COME TO CALL!

Navi: [dances around the Pedestal of Time]
With a bit of a wrist flip-

Link:
I'M BACK INTO THE TIME SLIP!

Navi:
Which makes this such a neato game!
With flashing blue lighted action...

Link: [backs towards the Pedestal again to do the dance number]
IT'S A MAJOR DISTRACTION!

Chorus Singers, Dancers, Link, Navi:
LEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!
LEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIME WAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!

[Insane piano chords, as Link proceeds to dance with the ladies and attempt to grab a few of their butts. We see them smacking him around as Navi sings her solo]

Navi:
Well I was flying through the trees an' listenin' to the breeze
When suddenly my patience had begun to squeeze
The Tree hooked me up, and took me by surprise
When I find myself a-guardin' this little hero guy
Then we picked up a sword and he went through a change
Time means nothin' to this kid, IT NEVER WILL AGAIN!

Chorus Singers, Dancers, Link, Navi:
LEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!
LEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!

[Link races over to the Pedestal, now TOTALLY ready to plunge in the sword, when suddenly, the music stops and waits for him to begin the chorus. He pauses for a second, looking around at Navi and all the dancers waiting for him expectantly, and sighs deeply.]

Link: [unenthusiastically, kind of wanting to hurry up and get it over with]
Just put your hands on the hilt...

Dancers, Link, Navi: [do some crazy hip movements]
AND SWIZZLE HIPS TO THE RIIIIIIIGHT!

Link: [dips]
Do a couple of dips...

Dancers, Link, Navi: [do some dorky kneeling then standing movements]
AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIIIIIIIIGHT!
AND THEN SOME PELVIC THRUUUUSTS
TO DRIVE THE FANGIRLS INSAY-AY-AY-AY-AYYYYNE!

Fangirls: [die]
AAHHHHHHNNN!

Dancers, Link, Navi: [throw their arms up dramatically and scream]
LEEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!
LEEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAIN!

[Crazy piano chords as Link finally does a mighty leap into the air and prepares to slam the sword down into the pedestal]

All:
LEEEEEEEEET'S DO THE TIIIIIIIIME WAAAAARP AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

Link: HWAAAAAAA! [sticks in the sword]

[As the sword is returned to the pedestal, there are some really cool sparkling blue light effects that shoot out of the floor and swallow Link up. He shouts in surprise and clenches his eyes shut as Navi ducks near him and is sucked in with him]

[And now for neat effects as the time warp goes into effect. Every chapter shall be replayed BACKWARDS!]









[Ha, just kidding. You think I'd actually do THAT much work?]







Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!








[Doodly doodly doo, doodly doo, doo doodly doo...]








Navi: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!










[Sparkle sparkle doodly doo, lalalalalalala, happy rainbow goldfish, lalalalala...]












Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-[voice cracks] AAIEEEEEEE!

Navi: HAAAAAAAAA LIIIINK YOUUUR VOIIIICE CRAAAAAAAACKED!

Link: [childish voice] SHUUUUTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUP!












[LLA EHT SRETPAHC PU OT SIHT TNIOP ERA YREV YLKCIUQ DETAEPER!]






WHAM!!!!

Link: OWWWWWWWWW!

[As the bright lights fade, we see a small indentation into the fine, but apparently very cheap marble that surrounds the pedestal. A small glowing bug is smashed against the floor next to the indentation. Navi slowly stirs and stands up.]

Navi: ... OUCH... [whines] MY WINGS GOT SMASHED... OWIE... WOWIE...

Link: [small grunt]

Navi: [gazes over at the indentation] Eh? Link?

Link: [slowly sits up, now a child again] I JUST PULLED SOME MUSCLES I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD...

Navi: [sighs] Phew... at least you're alive... but look at you, Link! You're a kid again!

Link: [blinks a few times, then gazes down at himself] ... Awwww MAAAAN. I'm not sexy anymore...

Navi: [takes to the air, shakes herself off] But if it worked right... we should now be back on the day you pulled the Master Sword out of the Pedestal of Time... the day Zelda left the kingdom... the day we royally screwed over all of Hyrule.

Link: Thanks for rubbing it in, oh great queen of good news.

Navi: Hey, no need to be so cranky, young man!

Link: Leave me alone... [sniffles, wipes his nose on the back of his sleeve] I just went through seven years' worth of backward hormones in 30 seconds!

Navi: Puberty BACKWARD? EEESH.

[Link makes a pouty face as he realized that a few more of the benefits of being an adult are now gone... that's when he notices his boomerang, slingshot, and Kokiri Sword laying near where he landed]

Link: HEY! All my favorite weapons! [cuddles them] I CAN USE THEM AGAIN! [checks the bottles in his backpack] AND MY MILK IS STILL DRINKABLE!

Navi: HEY YEAH! AND YOU'RE NOT WEARING TIGHTS ANYMORE!

Link: [looks at his bare legs] Looky Navi, now I can wear a skirt in my boyish innocence without people staring at me weird!

Navi: [gives him a thumbs up] WAY TO GO, HERO!

Link: [stands up and brushes himself off, saluting the Master Sword] I will be back for you, you awesome evil-whacking sword, you!

Navi: First, we gotta go to Kakariko Village, piss off the DWG, and retrieve the Lens of Truth from the well. Then we head back to the future-

Link: [clamps a hand over her mouth] NO! DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T SIC ANYMORE LAWYERS ON US!

Navi: [mumbling, in a squeak] SORRY!

[From the shadows, the Universal Studios lawyers snap their fingers and vanish back into the darkness from whence they came.]

Link: [heads out into the main room of the Temple] Look... Sunlight coming in through the windows, Navi!

Navi: Hey yeah, NO DARK CLOUDS OVER HYRULE! Not yet, anyway!

Link: [getting excited, races towards the door of the temple] NO EVIL KING GANONDORF YET!

Navi: [flitting around] NO EVIL SPIRIT IN KAKARIKO VILLAGE YET!

Link: [hopping up and down as he shoves open the temple door and heads out into the bright sunlight, shining down on the still kinda peaceful land of Hyrule] NO DEATH OR DESTRUCTION YET!

Navi: [points at the castle as they head down the steps of the temple] NO GIANT EVIL CASTLE YET!

Link: [walking backwards, clutching his Kokiri Sword in one hand and his Deku Shield in the other] AND BEST OF ALL, NO MORE PSYCHOTIC FREAKY UNDEAD PEDOPHILES PROWLING THE MARKET!

[As he arrives in the still-bustling market, he is suddenly pounced upon by a selection of the town's more colorful citizens.]


Pooch Lady: HAVE YOU SEEEEEN MY DOGGY?!!! MY PRECIOUS DOOOOGGGYYYYYYY!?!

Cucco Girl: WAAAGH, CATCH THE CHICKEN!

Honey: DARLING, MAKE OUT WITH ME!

Darling: YOU ARE ADORABLE, MY SWEET HONEY!

Itchy Woman: SCRATCHIT, SCRATCHIT, SCRATCHIT, SCRATCHIT!

Guy With Beard: MY BEARD IS BETTER THAN HERS! [gestures at the Pooch Lady]

Little Richard: [the dog, latched onto Beard Guy's legs] GRRRRR...

Happy Mask Man: [prancing around like an idiot] I AM EVIL, I AM EVIL, BUT I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY WAAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAJORA'S MASK! [holds up Majora's Mask]

Prop Master for the Majora's Mask Musical: [chasing HMM] GIVE THAT BACK!

Soldier Who Will Become Perverted Poe Guy: MY HAIR!!! MY BEAUTIFUL MAN-HAIR! [takes off his helmet and unfurls floor-length blond man-hair] NOW YOU CAN'T ARGUE THAT I HAD IT!

Link: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!! [flees the market for his sanity]

Navi: Well, at least they're not undead, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT BACK TO KAKARIKO VILLAGE AND WERE STANDING OUTSIDE THE WINDMILL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Kakariko Village, outside the windmill. Link stands, nervously holding his Ocarina in his hands and practicing playing the Song of Storms. A small raincloud is over him, and Navi is peeking in the keyhole of the windmill loft.)

Navi: Well... he's in there, all right.

Link: [nervously] Navi, I don't feel right doing this... That guy was a mildly eccentric local hermit before I... well, he's a mildly eccentric local hermit now...

Navi: Every village needs one.

Link: But if I go in there and play that song, I'll mess up his windmill and turn him into a viciously psychotic, knife wielding serial killer.

Navi: Every village needs one.

Link: Navi, don't you get it?! I'm going to ruin this man's life! I expect that he's not going to like that very much!

Navi: It's not a matter of what he likes, Link... if the world depended on what he liked, it would be ROUND, and it would do nothing but SPIN AROUND all day.

Link: [pauses for a second] ... But Navi... the world...

Navi: Come on, Link... just make it quick.

Link: But Navi, what if that crazy Windmill Guy was like... working on the cure for cancer or something? Or destined to be a great philanthropist?

Navi: Hey, don't whine to me... you're the one who has to screw up his miserable life.

Link: But, as my guardian fairy, don't you think you should feel obligated to STOP me from destroying people's lives?

Navi: Heck, I don't care. You already destroyed mine.

Link: [big teary eyes] Navi, you don't mean that...

Navi: You're right, I don't! [pushes Link in the door] GO ALREADY!

(Scene: Inside the windmill, we see the DWG, in his normal, less insane form, prancing about at the other end, singing along to his favorite song. Link makes an odd face and hops on the rotating inside section of the windmill, riding around to see him.)

DWG:
GO AROUND!
GO AROUND!
HERE IN KAKARIKO TOWN!
OH, THIS MILL I LOVE!
FITS ME LIKE A GLOVE!
I WILL PLAY!
I WILL PLAY!
MY SONG IN HERE ALL THE DAY!
HEAR MY GROOVY SONG OF STORMS!

Link: [gulps as he spins around on the inner thing, steps up to the DWG and taps him on the shoulder] Excuse me?

DWG: [turns around and sees Link, his face brightens]
Hello there!
Hello there!
Little boy without a care!
So happy to see
You've come to visit me!

[Link is brought back around to the other side by the rotating floor, then brought back over to the windmill guy, who continues his song as Link is near him.]

DWG:
What ya need?
What ya need?
Would you like some drink or feed?
You know I don't have no friends...
I'm so glad!
I'm so-

[Link once again is moved to the other side of the windmill. The music stops and the DWG waits patiently for him to come back around.]

DWG:
... GLAD!
I was feelin' kinda bad!
Didn't think anybody
Cared too much for me
Now you're here!
Now you're here!
Now I do not have to fear!
Say, how are you doing, kid?

Link: [pulls out his Ocarina, hangs his head] Look, Mr. Psycho Windmill Nut... I'm very sorry I have to do this to you, but the destiny of Hyrule depends on your mental imbalance!

DWG: [looks puzzled]

Link: [clenches his eyes shut, plays the Song of Storms]

Chorus Singers: [echo the song, singing in high angelic voices] AAAAHH... AAAAHH... AAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AA-AAA-AAAAHHH...

[There is a moment of silence as Link opens his eyes very slowly to see the windmill guy staring at him blankly, like he doesn't know quite what to think.]

DWG: ... ?

[Suddenly, the whizzing noise from the spinning of the windmill begins to speed up. Link is flung off of the thing and back against the wall, luckily near the door. There is a tremendous snap from inside the inner gears of the windmill, and as soon as the snapping sound has faded, it is replaced by the terrified scream of the DWG.]

DWG: WAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! MY WINDMIIIIILL! MY... MY... MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSS!

[The freaky remix of the Song of Storms that goes along with his creepy future persona starts playing- FAST. The DWG clutches at his bald head, his eyes go bloodshot, he falls to his knees and squirms, with one hand still cranking madly at his music box.]

DWG:
HOW COULD YOU?!
HOW COULD YOU?!
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HOW COULD YOU DO?!
IT'S GOING WAY TOO FAST!
IT WILL NEVER LAST!
STUPID KID!
STUPID KID!
LOOK AT WHAT YOUR PLAYING DID!
I AM GONNA RIP YOU UP!

[The song plays faster and faster as the DWG begins to FREAK OUT. Hopping around, waving his arms, screaming in a voice that's quickly becoming almost demonic-sounding, with beads of sweat appearing on his forehead and his blood vessels popping out, he begins to scream. Er... sing. Er... something.]

[Hey kiddies, why don't you show Mommy and Daddy how well you read and sing this next part for them so they can see what kind of great stuff you can find on the Internet? Don't be afraid to scream, it makes them more proud of you! Don't worry, you won't get in trouble!]

DWG:
REEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
REEEAAAAAARRREAAAAAGGGGHGHHHH, AAAAGGGH, AGGGGH, AAAAGGGGGHHHH!
OOOHGAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAGAGAGAGAGAGAGGAA!
WAAAHAAAGAAAAAAHAAAAGAAAAAAA!
REEEOEEEEEPPPOOOPOOOPOOOPOOOOAREEEAAAAGGGGH!

[I'm listening to CLASSICAL music as I write this! ^.^ ... Jeez, you know my writer's block is pretty bad when all I can do to make jokes is constantly comment in the stage directions. I need a hug.]

DWG: [pulls out his hobo knife, a chainsaw, a machete, a drill, a jackhammer, a rubber chicken and an electric nine-iron with a steel-plated head]
HOW DARE HE?!
HOW DARE HE?!
MAKE A BLOODY FOOL OF ME!
THIS MILL'S THE ONLY THING
I HAVE ABOUT TO SING!
SO HE'LL PAY!
SO HE'LL PAY!
I'LL MAKE HIM SUFFER FOR THIS DAY!
NOW COME HERE AND I'LL-

[The DWG pauses and whips his head around, searching desperately for Link. All he finds of our little hero is a hole in the wall where Link has made his quick exit, not even finding enough time to find the door.]

Link: [currently shuffling away from the door to the windmill loft, making his way down towards the well] I think he took it rather well, don't you, Navi?

Navi: Oh yeah, just peachy.

Link: [points triumphantly down into the well] NOW! THE WELL HAS BEEN DRAINED AND A TERRIBLE CHAIN REACTION OF EVENTS THAT I CAUSED HAS BEEN SET INTO MOTION!

Navi: Should you really be PROUD of that?

Link: ... Well, if it's to help save Hyrule.

Navi: Ah, whatever... QUICKLY LINK! INTO THE WELL! BEFORE THE AUTHOR RESORTS TO MAKING YOU GET HURT SOME MORE TO KEEP THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING!

[Link has fallen down the well and broken many bones. Some, more than once. On the same place, too! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!]

Link: [in a pitiful moan from the bottom of the well] NAAVIIII, I LANDED ON MY KEEEEYS!

Navi: ... Damn, too late!

(Scene: The Boooooootttooooooom of the Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell! Now that you're sufficiently creeped out by my lack of keyboard control, it's time to be creeped out by all the other pleasant things down here, like whispering spirits, dead bodies, skeletal hands sticking up out of murky pits of despair, and HUMPY ZOMBIES! Yay, what a nice place!)

[Link and Navi are practically clinging to each other as they descend into the first passage, a pleasant little number with some blood and some chains and some skeletons.]

Link: N-Navi...

Navi: What?

Link: Look at this place... it's... it's...

Navi: SCARY!

Link: [shivering as he spies a skeleton lying next to the door] THEY USED TO DRINK WATER OUT OF THIS THING?! GROSS!

Navi: NO WONDER EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN IS BIZARRE! They've caught some freaky DEAD GUY DISEASE from drinking the WATER!

Link: And to top it all off, THIS PLACE IS A DEAD END! [glares with fury at the wall that seems to be cutting them off]

Navi: [has stopped griping, is floating in midair, her body glowing extremely pale and shivering]

Link: [kicks the skeleton] STUPID DEAD GUY! YOU SUCK! YOU- ... Navi?

Navi: ...LINK...

Link: [races over to her, looking concerned] What is it, Navi!? What's wrong?!

Navi: LINK... I... AH! [covers her ears, starts rocking back and forth, humming loudly]

Link: What is it, Navi?! Are you okay?

Navi: Link...

Link: What?

Navi: [looks up at him in terror] Link... I...

Link: Spit it out already!

Navi: [flies over very slowly and hides under the folds of Link's hat] LINK...

Link: [impatient] I already said "What", Navi. What's going on?

Navi: I... I want to tell you... my secret...

Link: [suddenly gains a very calm, Bruce Willis-esque demeanor] ... Your secret?

Navi: Yes...

Link: [nods, listening very carefully]

[The music reaches a dramatic crescendo.]

Navi: I... hear... dead people.

Link: What?

Navi: I hear dead people... they're everywhere... they talk just like normal people... they don't even know they're dead.

Link: ... Sixth Sense jokes are SOOO 1999, Navi.

Navi: [smacks him in the back of the head] IT'S TRUE! I DO HEAR DEAD PEOPLE! THEY TELL ME TO DO THINGS!

Link: Like WHAT?

Navi: [flings fairy dust in his eyes]

Link: [clutches at his eyes, which are now sparkling pink] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!

Navi: They told me to.

Link: AGH!

Navi: [flies up close to the wall] They're telling me, Link... that this wall is not real.

Link: [rubbing his eyes] Well of COURSE it's real, Navi! If it wasn't real, could I do- [leans on the wall, falls right through] AAAAAH-SPLASH!

[A hard rock rhythm starts up in the background as Navi follows Link into the main room of the Bottom of the Well, the big one with all the fake walls and water and dead things. But then again, that could be any room in this god-forsaken hellhole of a dungeon.]

Navi: Link! [flutters around his head, as he floats face-down in the water pit just inside the door] Are you okay?!

Link: [sits up, singing very angrily to "Never Again" by Nickelback. GG has a shortage of hard rock songs, so leave her alone. T.T]
Here we go again!
It's time to fight!
I hate this place already
Yeah, that's right!
This looks like some
Crap out of "The Ring"
This won't be fun, you can tell by-

[Link takes a tremendous breath, interrupting the song as he does so, then screams out the chorus, nearly knocking Navi out of the air in his fury as he climbs out of the water]

Link:
AAAAAALLL THE DEEEEAAAAD THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!
LET'S GET OUT AS FAST AS WE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

[Link and Navi stomp around the corner, skewering a Green Bubble floating around as they do and searching for the way to shut off the water]

Link:
NEVER AGAIN!

[They reach the plaque in the back of the thing, the one with the freaky mouth doodad on it. Link kicks the wall very hard, stubbing his toe.]

Link: FREAKING-

Navi: AHEM. [gestures to the Triforce on the ground]

Link: [begrudgingly plays Zelda's Lullaby, the water stops flowing out of the thing's mouth] THIS DUNGEON SUCKS! I have never seen more signs of other people's FAILURES in all my life!

Navi: It must be positive reinforcement! You know like, "Turn back now or else you'll end up like these suckers!"

Link: Not what I want to hear as I'm treasure hunting. [makes his way back down the corner, a little jazzy dance in his step as he sings some more]
I keep hearing screams
From further in
I think our problems
Just started to begin
There's probably
Holes in the floor
And something waiting to rape me-

[Another tremendous breath as he runs back around the corner towards the front, having a theory about where to go]

Link: [inhaling]

Navi: [looks around, waiting patiently for him to finish]

Link: [inhales a bug, coughs]

Navi: [pats him on the back]

Link: [clears his throat, then-]
BEEEEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIND THE NEEEEEXT DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!
WHAAAAAAAAAAT ARE WE WAAAAAAAAAITING FOR?!
NEVER AGAIN!
BEEN IN DUNGEONS BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!
NEVER HAD TO PUT UP WITH CRAP LIKE THIS!
NEVER BEFORE HAVE I EVER
SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN IT THIIIS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
[gestures to what looks like the skeleton of a very tiny person on the floor, with wings]
NAVI I THINK THIS MIGHT BE YOUR DAAAAAAAD!

Navi: [glances at the skeleton, gasps, her eyes filling with tears] DADDY!

Link:
NEVER AGAIN!

[Spying a small hole at the bottom of the water basin, Link crawls inside, to his disgust finding the hole full of cobwebs and spiders the side of half-dollars. He bursts into a fit of screaming and begins the next part of the song]

Link: [screaming like a girl]
I'll just tell Sheik
That I got lost!
After all, the village is
Such a minute cost!

Navi:
Oh no ya don't!
Don't be a fool!
We have to do this
To save Hy-

[There is a long pause as the music pauses Navi inhales several times, each more deeply than the last, then exhales, then finally takes in one huge breath and screams out her part]

Navi:
-RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE FROM GANON!
WE MUST BEEEAAAAT THAT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
But still-
NEVER AGAIN!
BEEN IN DUNGEONS BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!
NEVER HAD TO SEE SCARY CRAP LIKE THIS!
NEVER SEEN A DUNGEON THAT WAS AS-
CREEEEEEEEPYYYYYYYYY, GROSS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND
MACABRE, OH MAAAAAAAAAAAN!
NEVER AGAIN!
NEVER AGAIN!

[Blah blah, long hall, blah blah, talking dead guys, blah blah, big spider, blah blah, DOOR! Just as the song reaches its interlude, Link prepares to open the door.]

Link:
Shadow's a Sage we haven't found yet.

Electric Guitar: BUM BUM BUM BUM!

Navi:
But to do that we need a treasure!

Electric Guitar: BUM BUM BUM BUM!

Navi:
I'm still not sure which dude's this house was...

Electric Guitar: BUM BUM BUM BUM!

Link: [unsheathes his sword and kicks the door open]
KICKING HIS ASS WOULD BE A PLEASURE!

[Inside, waiting for them, it what looks like a bunch of poles sticking out of the ground. In something related to the Shadow Temple? HA! Noooo, they are arms. Long arms. Pale, sickening, rotting, decomposing white arms with thick, blood red claws on the ends of the fingers. And their owner lies in wait for Link as he steps in the door.]

Link: What the-

Navi: AAH, LOOK OUT!

[One of the arms reaches over and grabs Link by the throat. He squeals in horror as there is an eruption from underground and the big, gray, slimy, marshmallow mass we like to call DEAD HAND pops up and... dances...? its way over to take a bite out of a hero.]

Dead Hand: [in time with the song]
RORAAAARRR!

Link: [ditto]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Navi: ... And WHAT on Din's green earth is THAT.

Link: [kicking and screaming as it gets closer] I DON'T CARE BUT IT'S ABOUT TO EAT ME, SAVE ME, SAVE ME, SAVE ME!

Navi: Oh yeah! It's Dead Hand, the marshmallow nougatty delicious rotting corpse zombie monster! All you have to do is whack him good in the skull.

Link: EEEH! EEEEEEH! EEEEEEEEH!

Dead Hand: [lowers its head to bite Link] REEARRRGGH... UNHHHHH...

Link: [twitching, throws out his sword hand and miraculously whacks the thing in the skull. Good, I might add]

Dead Hand: RRUNNNHHHHHNNN! [its little... stumpy... arm... things grab its head and it waddles away, disappearing back underground. Its arms release Link]

[Navi and Link stare for a moment at the sheer, unbelievable lack of terror they hold this Dead Hand thing in.]

Link: [points at where Dead Hand disappeared and sings again]
Hey, what a wimp!
Come out and fight!
I'm done with creepy nasty things tonight!

Navi:
Just grab your sword!
I've had enough!
It's time to see just how f-

[One whole beat too early, to block Navi's swear word, Link screams out the rest of the song as he launches himself at one of Dead Hand's arms, luring it out of the ground and proceeding to beat the snot out of it]

Link:
TOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH IS DEAD HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!
SMITE YOUR BUTT AS FAST AS I CAN!
NEVER AGAIN!
BEEN IN DUNGEONS BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!
NEVER HAD TO PUT UP WITH WIMPY CRAP LIKE THIS!
NEVER BEFORE HAVE I EVER SEEN
SO MANY DEAD THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS
THAT STIIIIINK AND SCARE MEEEEEEEEEEE!
NEVER AGAIN!
I WAS FINE AT FIRST, BUT NOW I'M PISSED!
I HAVE HAD JUST ENOUGH OF THIS!
THE AUTHOR IS SICK OF THIS CHAPTER SO
WE'LL EEEEEEND IT RIIIIIGHT HEEEEEEEEERE!
AFTER ALL THE TREASURE IS NEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!
NEVER AGAIN!

Link and Navi:
NEVER AGAIN! [stomping on Dead Hand's melting remains]
NO, NEVER AGAIN!

[They stand for a moment as the song ends, peering down and examining the whitish gray gunk all over their shoes that until about three seconds ago was trying to eat their brains. Link reaches down, dips a finger in the crap, and licks it.]

Navi: ... LINK, THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Link: ... It tastes like marshmallow and butt.

Navi: EEWWWWWWWWW!

[A treasure chest rises up out of the ground, and Link hurries over and kicks it open, still gagging at the taste of Dead Hand.]

Link: [removes something from the chest] Let's see, what... AAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Navi: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

A light so excruciatingly bright and shiny that everyone in the audience is subsequently blinded covers [the stage.]

Link: ACK! LOOK NAVI! SHEIK WAS RIGHT! IT IS SHINY!

Navi: VERY shiny! But... uh... what is it?

Link: THE LEEEEENS OF TRUUUUUTH!

["You Got An Item" music]

[Finally, the light fades and Link is sitting, holding a neato purple magnifying glass-looking treasure that's blue on one side of the lens and red on the other! Cool! Did we mention he was outside the well now?]

Navi: Wow... look how- [looks around] ... HEY WAIT A SECOND! We were inside the well just a minute ago!

Link: [yawns and stretches in the sun] No we weren't.

Navi: Yes, yes we were! You took the Lens of Truth out of the treasure chest and then it got all bright, and now we're outside!

Link: I made it outside the dungeon just then.

Navi: You expect anybody to believe THAT?!

Link: The Lens of Truth blinded them! For all they know, I DID make it out! [sticks his tongue out at her] What are they gonna do, say they DIDN'T see me leave?

Navi: Ahhhh, WHATEVER. So... how does that thingy work anyway?

Link: [looks at Navi through the Lens of Truth, singing briefly to "I'm Looking Through You" by The Beatles]
I'm looking through you!
You're standing there!
Suddenly I see
Your underwear!

Navi: [slugs him in the back of the head] DON'T BE AN IDIOT!

Link: [cuddles the Lens of Truth] IT'S SOOOO COOOL... I can stare at Malon's undies all day!

Navi: Not even gonna ask why you changed your mind.

Link: About what?

Navi: Earlier in the chapter you said you liked Sheik.

Link: GAH! [shakes his head rapidly] WHAT THE HECK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!? YUCK, NAVI!

Navi: YOU'RE the one who said it!

Link: Well ANYWAY... [fixes his pants, looks triumphantly ahead] Now we must return to the future with the Lens of Truth so that I can venture into the Shadow Temple and rescue the love of my life, Impa!

Navi: You can't tell me you don't know that you're DOING that, Link!

Link: Doing what?

Navi: AAAGGH... Switching love interests! You've gone from Zelda to Malon to Saria to Impa to ME, to Sheik to WHO KNOWS how many other girls?! It's ridiculous! Just pick one already!

Link: Navi, I'm the Hero of Time. That's not really important right now, is it?

Navi: Just play the Prelude of Light and let's go back to the futur-

Link: LAWYERS!

Navi: AGH! [shuts up] SORRY!

[The Universal Studios lawyers who have been disguised as bushes this whole time snap their fingers and go away]

Link: And we can't do that, Navi.

Navi: Do what?

Link: Go into the future.

Navi: Why the heck not?

Link: Because, as penance for such a sucky chapter, the author has decided at the last minute to go off on that tangent and put in another pointless, plotless song.

Navi: Oh dear GOD.

Link: But we can't do that until we end this one dramatically...

Navi: [begging the sky] PLEASE, AUTHOR! NO! NO MORE! JUST END THE CHAPTER BEFORE YOU-

Link: [grabs Navi, stuff her into his hat, his thoughts echo and the stage dims] Impa... Guardian of Princess Zelda... the last of the Sheikah... or so we thought. Your appearance here in Kakariko is the best clue we've got so far in the mystery of what happened to Zelda... if you know anything, Impa, we may be able to find her and I'll make her PAY FOR ALL THIS CRAP!

[Dramatic music plays as Link walks towards the exit of Kakariko Village]

Link: Sage of Shadow... Fine, foxy lady... I will do my best to rescue you, because I am the Hero of Time! And then, my dear beloved Zelda... [pauses, smirks] I will find you someday... I promise.

Navi: YOU DID IT AGAIN!

[Link stands, staring off into the distance as the wind whips through his hair and a faded image of Impa drawing her knife appears in the air above him]

Link: Impa, Sage of Shadow... I'm coming for you!

Navi: AUTHOR... HOW COULD YOU END THIS CHAPTER SO STUPIDLY!

GG: [voice from the heavens] Desperation. Writer's block. Fear of the readers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF SCENE/CHAP-

Young Link: HEEEERE WE GO!

[The stage's curtains rise and reveal Young Link, standing there in a white tuxedo with a small white hat in place of his trademark green one. He smiles mischievously at the camera and winks]

Adult Link: [rises up out of the stage next to him, wearing a black tuxedo and a black hat] I BID YOU ALL A GOOD EVENI-

Young Link: [stops] WAIT A SEC! How is that POSSIBLE?!

Adult Link: [glares down at him] What?

Young Link: How can we be here at the same time?

Adult Link: You've never played Majora's Mask, have you?

Young Link: What are you talking about? Neither have YOU.

Adult Link: [scratches his head] Oh yeah.

Young Link: But, um... we're here for a pointless, plotless omake... so... uh... LIGHTS!

[All of the lights in the house go out, and a single spotlight shines down on both Links, who are standing back to back in their swanky new clothes with their hats, and both of whom glance up at the camera and smile]

Young Link: Ladies and gentleman...

Adult Link: This is the Hero of Time.

[A jazzy, almost Latin rhythm starts up. Oh God. It's "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega. Dear sweet Jesus, I knew it'd be in here somewhere. Brightly colored lights flash and we see the silhouettes of 14 people in sparkly, different-colored outfits dancing in the background. A Latin band is playing the background over on the side.]

Young Link: HAHA!
[singing]
One, two... three four five
All the little girls in Hyrule, come on let's RIIIIDE to the
Fan fiction on the Internet
Where I get to have any girl I want, though I'm not old enough yet!

[He tap dances while Adult Link takes the melody]

Adult Link:
Don't matter that I save the world!
In the minds of the authors, I can get a girl!
I like Zelda, Malon, Nabooru, SARIA!
It always helps me pretend that my schedule is free-UH!

Young Link: [shrugs and steps backwards towards the line of dancing people, who are still in darkness except for their sparkly outfits]
So what can I do, I really don't have a say!
The romance authors just gotta have their way!

Adult Link: [steps towards the dancing people as well]
Anything flies!
It's all good, let me go through the list with a dance line!

[New spotlights shine on each dancer as they are revealed, with both Links behaving suavely towards them]

Links:
ALWAYS GOTTA HAVE A ZELDA, IN MY LIFE!

Adult Zelda: [both are in pink] Hmmph! [winks]

Young Zelda: Whee!

Links:
AND I WOULDN'T MIND MALON, FOR MAH WIFE!

Adult Malon: [in yellow] HOOO!

Young Malon: Fairy Boy!

Links:
A LITTLE LOVE FROM RUTO SCARES ME AWAY!

Adult Ruto: [both in blue] DARLING!

Young Ruto: TAKE ME NOW!

Links:
AND I WOULD GO FOR SHEIK IF I WAS GAY!

Sheik: [in silver, staring blankly] ... They said this was an audition for Soul Calibur II.

Links:
SARIA WOULDN'T BE HARD TO ARRANGE!

Saria: [in green] WAHOO!

Links:
NAVI, THOUGH THAT MIGHT GET A LITTLE STRANGE!

Navi: [in white] FIREFLY! WAHHAAH!

Links:
AND NABOORU EVEN OFFERED YOU KNOW!

Nabooru: [in orange] ... I'm not even IN this story yet!

Links:
IT'S HARD TO PICK ON WHICH SHIP WE WILL GO!

Adult Link: HIYYYYYA!

[The Latin band takes off into a snazzy rhythm, and both Links dance perfectly in sync with each other while the girls and Sheik dance in the background. Sheik keeps trying to leave, but keeps getting pushed back in line by two gorilla-like security guards.]

Young Link:
Who will be Mrs. of Tiiiiiiime?!

[Another funky rhythm. Sheik cracks both of the security guards' necks and attempts to flee, but is held in place by a shackle around his neck that he didn't notice before, keeping him connected to the floor]

Adult Link: [does a funky dance]
Scroll up and down!
Wave your cursor all around!
Scoot your chair to the center
Put your feet on the ground!

Young Link:
Ya click once on the left
And once on the right
CTRL-ALT-DELETE
And then override!

Adult Link:
Clap your hands once!

Young Link:
Clap your hands twice!

Links:
AND IF YOU FEEL EVIL, THEN GET READY TO WRITE!
ALWAYS GOTTA HAVE A ZELDA IN MY LIFE!
AND I WOULDN'T MIND MALON FOR MAH WIFE!
A LITTLE LOVE FROM RUTO SCARES ME AWAY!
AND I WOULD GO FOR SHEIK IF I WAS GAY!
SARIA WOULDN'T BE HARD TO ARRANGE!
NAVI, THOUGH THAT MIGHT GET A LITTLE STRANGE!
AND NABOORU ALREADY OFFERED, YOU KNOW!
IT'S HARD TO PICK ON WHICH SHIP WE WILL GO!

Young Link: YAAAAAAAH!

[Another funky rhythm. The girls dance, and Sheik works hard on sawing away at his chains. Finally, he snaps through one and does a little celebratory dance, quickly interrupted as a gang of attack dogs leap up onstage and go after him.]

[Adult Link dances in place while Young Link rotates around to all the ladies, taking their hands and dipping them or something romantic like that.]

Young Link:
Always gotta have a Zelda in my life! [kisses her hand]

Young Zelda: Hee hee!

Young Link:
And I wouldn't mind Malon for mah wife! [puts his arm over her shoulder]

Young Malon: Awww!

Young Link:
A little love from Ruto scares me away! [he passes her up completely]

Young Ruto: WHY YOU- [tries to glomp him, a shackle appears behind her neck rather quickly] AGH!

Young Link: [stares confusedly at Sheik's empty position]
And I would go for Sheik if I were gay!

Sheik: YAAAAAAAARGH! [fleeing from the dogs in the background, beating them away with his chain]

Young Link:
Saria wouldn't be hard to arrange! [hugs her]

Saria: Awww, Link!

Young Link:
Navi, but that might get a little strange! [taps her playfully, nearly knocking her down]

Navi: Darn right!

Young Link:
And Nabooru even offered, don't you know?! [bows suavely]

Nabooru: ... I... did?

Young Link:
IT'S SO HARD TO PICK ON WHICH SHIP TO GO!

[One more funky rhythm, as Sheik finally triumphs over the dogs and hobbles towards the exit door in the back. As he opens it, he is set upon by a pack of fangirls, who tackle him and try to steal sequins off of his outfit]

Adult Link:
Always gotta have a Zelda in my life! [waltzes with her momentarily]

Adult Zelda: Ohhh, so charming!

Adult Link:
And I wouldn't mind Malon for mah wife! [clenches her hand]

Adult Malon: Fairy Boy! UNNH!

Adult Link:
A little love from Ruto scares me away... [trips her and runs]

Adult Ruto: LINK, MY SWEET DARLING! [trying to help her younger self escape her chains] I'LL COME FOR YOU!

Adult Link:
And I would go for Sheik if I were gay!

Sheik: AAAAAGGGGHHH! [beating away the fangirls]

Adult Link:
Saria wouldn't be hard to arrange! [hugs her]

Saria: That's sort of kind of like a pedophile, Link.

Adult Link:
Navi, but that might get a little strange! [hugs her as well]

Navi: You ARE cute, but... no.

Adult Link:
And Nabooru already offered, don't you know? [dips her suavely]

Nabooru: Hubba hubba!

Adult Link:
IT'S SO HARD TO PICK ON WHICH SHIP TO GO! WAAAAAH!

Links: [singing together in preeetty man voices]
Heroes in love
Authors deal their opinions from above
I won't run; I won't ditch
Cause they won't stop until I get hitched! WAAAAAH!

[One more funky rhythm as there is a mass, in synch dance ensemble. Sheik escapes from the dog pile of fangirls, his clothing ripped to pieces, stumbling out front and attempting to dance along with the others, having finally submitted.]

All:
WHO WILL BE MRS. OF TIME!?
NA NANANA NA! NA!

Sheik: [falls over, bleeding profusely, crumples into a heap on the ground while the rest of the dancers take bows and the curtain falls.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 20 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~