Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Nineteen and a Half: Biggoron's Sword Fetch Quest ( Chapter 20 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA!- The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Dementedly Written by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER 19.5: Gettin' Biggy With It AKA The Half-Ass Biggoron's Sword Chapter!

In this scene...

Link, our shexshay Hero of Time!
Navi, the fairy!
The Chicken Lady!
Cojiro, the blue chicken!
Creepy guy in Lost Woods who hates everything!
Granny, the Creepy Potion Shop Witch with Pet Tiger!
Kokiri Girl Who Is Evil Incarnate!
Biggoron, the... big... Goron!
King Zora, the tremendously fat fish thing!
Queen Zora, his angry and partially digested wife!
Some Little Naked Angel Babies!

And a stupid cameo by the author herself as a sadistic lunatic!



(A/N: This chapter is an apology for my recent bout of writer's block and slowness of getting chapter 21 out. Plus, someone pointed out that I should probably write a Biggoron's Sword chapter... so... yes! Think of this as a sort of an interlude chapter, as nearly the entire thing is set to the song "Gettin' Jiggy With It" by Will Smith. It will probably be brief, and also probably be very dumb, but hey, it's something, isn't it? T.T)

(Scene: Our big blank stage, where the narrator once again glides out in the middle of the fog and raises his/her/its hands and sings)

Narrator:
Now in order to understand
This interlude...
You must know that Link and Navi
Have talked to this Medigoron dude...
They bought his new sword
And now they will fight...
But something will come
Of this battle tonight...

[With a whoosh, the narrator disappears and the curtain rises along to a funky beat, that is Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy With It". I am making up this rap entirely, as I don't actually have a copy of the song to listen to (except for a really bad midi with the beat on it), so please forgive me.]

[Link and Navi stand in the center of the stage and Link has a huge two-handed sword in his hands. The two of them bob their heads back and forth, except for Link, who occasionally stops and lops the head off of some unfortunate monster, groups of which keep coming at them from all sides. Suddenly, as he stops bobbing to do a fancy sword move against a Stalfos, his sword shatters into pieces on the ground and the music shorts out.]

Link: ... [stares at the handle of the broken sword in his hands]

Navi: ... [glances back and forth from the broken sword to the Stalfos]

Stalfos: ... GRAAAGGGH!

Link: [screams like a girl and runs] AAAGGGGH!

[As the Stalfos chases Link across the stage, Navi begins to rap as the beat starts up again]

Navi:
On your mark, ready, set let's go!
Link your sword just broke I know
That seems like a rip because
We just shelled out 200 Rupees for it, because
We thought a "Giant's Knife" sounded like a hit, because
We thought it'd help us a lot, you see
We could use all the help we'll get dealin' with your Destiny!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEESTIIIIINYYYYYY!

Link: AAAAAAAAYYYYYY! [runs across the stage, flailing and screaming]

Stalfos: GRRARRGH!

[Link pushes a button on the wall that is rather obviously labeled "Trap Door". A trap door opens in the middle of the stage and the Stalfos falls down it, as he stops to catch his breath]

Navi:
Now that crap is in pieces!
Lying here on the floor!
And the guy who had wielded it
Is on his way out the door!
I don't know why we tried
To get the generic fit
We should have just gone ahead and...
[Bright flash of lights]
Gotten Biggy with it!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link: [bright flash of lights, he blinks like it's blinded him]
Gotten Biggy with it?

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Both:
GOTTEN BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NA!

[There is a couple of bright flashes and our heroes are suddenly in Kakariko Village, strutting along to the same beat, until they reach the Chicken Lady, who stops them with her own musical number to the tune of "Love Or Let Me Be Lonely" by The Friends of Distinction.]

Link: So we're going back to Death Mountain?

Navi: I thought that was the plan!

Link: But why?

Navi: [cooing voice] So we can give that adorable Little Link of the Gorons a nice big kiss on the cheek and another autograph!

Link: AWWW! [glowing with happiness]

Navi: [beats her fist in her (invisible, fairy) hands] AND so we can kick that lousy Medigoron's ass for selling us such cheap crap!

Link: Yeeeeessss... [evil smile, twiddling his fingers]

[Bright trumpet music]

Navi: ... What is that music?

Link: IT'S CLASHING WITH OURS!

[The music gets louder as the Chicken Lady comes into sight]

Chicken Lady:
I'm...
Allergic to chickens!
So I bred this new kind... I can touch!
But there's this one...
Who I can't make happy...
And the work... Is becoming too much!

Link: I'm sorry to hear that.

Navi: Sounds sort of like a personal problem to me...

Chicken Lady: Don't you suppose you could help me though? [big, sad eyes and tragic violin music cuts into the old 70's music of the song]

Link: Sorry, no time! We're on our way to...
[music switches]
GET BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link: [shimmies]
GET BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

[The rap beat cuts out and the chicken lady stomps over and grabs Link by the collar, pulling a small Cucco out of her pocket and shoving it in his face]

Chicken Lady: NOW LOOK, PAL! I'VE GOT A BABY CHICKEN HERE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO FREAKING RAISE IT FOR ME BEFORE I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU FOR IT!

Link: [tries to wrestle his collar away] You're ALREADY yelling at me for it!

Chicken Lady: ... Oh yeah. Well, anyway...
[Drum beats as we get into the chorus]
I could take care of this chicken if I wanted to
Cause that's what I do!
But I don't want to, so I leave it up to you to wash away its blues!

[Two trumpet notes]

Chorus Singers and Chicken Lady:
SHE COULD HAPPY-FY THIS CHICKEN IF SHE WANTED TO, BUT HERE'S THE WAY THINGS GO!
JUST ANOTHER SILLY RPG TRADING SEQUENCE FOR YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE HERO! OH-OH!

Chorus Singers:
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...

[The Chicken Lady waltzes off happily, and Link and Navi are left holding the baby chicken.]

Link: ... What... the heck.

Navi: Well... erm... we have a chicken now!

Link: [throws the chicken down on the ground like he's spiking a football] I don't WANT a freaking chicken! I want SIX FEET OF BLAZING GORON STEEL TO KICK SOME ASS WITH-

[A shot rings out, and seconds later, Link is lying on the ground with a hole in his forehead]

Navi: AAGGGGH! LIIIINK!

PETA Member: [standing on the roof of Impa's house, holding an assault rifle] TAKE THAT YOU CHICKEN-BEATING SON OF A DEKU SCRUB!

[Another shot rings out and the PETA Member screams and falls from the roof. On top of the observation tower is a small Deku Scrub with an assault rifle]

PETDS Member: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT, YOU CHEAP GERUDO SCUM?!

[There is a metallic SWOOSH noise, and the Deku Scrub falls off of the observation tower as he's chopped in half by a flying Gerudo stealth sword. flung by a Gerudo woman in camouflage parachute pants.]

PETG Member: YOU LOUSY LITTLE PUNK, I'LL TEACH YOU TO MALIGN THE GERUDO!

Navi: ... This is getting a little bit stupid.

Link: [rubbing his forehead] GETTING stupid?

Navi: ... Wait a minute! Link, you're all right! But you just got shot in the head!

Link: Don't worry. I was wearing my seatbelt.

[Dramatic music plays and Link face the camera, proudly displaying his seatbelt. (?)]

Link: Remember, everyone. Click it or ticket! Seatbelts save lives!

Navi: Oh, good for you... I'm so happy you're alive, my friend... [hugs him]

Link: Thanks, Navi... [scoops up the small, now injured chicken and cradles it gently] Come, my little chicken... Let us go and...
[rap beat!]
GET BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link and Navi:
GET BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NA!

[Don't worry, everyone. We all know that rifles don't exist in Hyrule, and especially not assault rifles. All of the people who died in the previous scene did not die, and afterwards they went to the cast lounge and enjoyed a nice chocolatey YooHoo.]

[Someone, either Link or Navi, gets the bright idea to stop inside the hideous man-woman thing's house, where we all know that Talon is sleeping peacefully, murmuring things like he does.]

Link:
So we got this chicken now?
How's that gonna assist?
I want a big-ass sword, man
Now I'm getting pissed!

Navi:
Not like you don't have the Master Sword
To chop up some things
You are just lusting for the power
That a Goron sword brings

Freaky Man-Woman Thing:
Hey you two guys keep it down!
People are sleepin' round here!
Especially that fat guy
Asleep right there, with the beard
He's had it rough you see
His ranch got taken away
So he sleeps all of the night
And he sleeps all of the day

Link:
You mean Talon?
That Mario-clone?
Hey, Malon's dad, we busted Ingo
Several chapters ago!
Wake up you stupid man
Your daughter wants you to come back
[to Navi, under his breath]
Though we both know all he'll do
Is take a nap in the shack...

Navi: [poking Talon as hard as she can]
Hey Link I hate to be the bearer of some bad news
But no matter how I poke him, this lard-butt will still snooze
He's out like a light, like he was hit over the head
He's sleeping like a log...

Link:
Are you sure he isn't dead?

Navi:
Hey, try your chicken!
I know they like to be a pain
And they like wake up people
At 3:00 in the mor-nayng
See if that will work
See if you move this fool a bit
And then we'll move on...
And get Biggy with it!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link:
GET BIGGY WITH IT!

Link, Navi, and Creepy Man-Woman Thing:
YEAH! NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NA!

[The little chicken crows with all his might and Talon leaps to his feet, bashing his head on the ceiling]

Talon: WHOT IN TARNATION, GAWLEEE CAYN'T A PERSON GET A LIDDLE SHUT-EYE 'ROUND HERE?!

Creepy Man-Woman Thing: Sir, you've been sleeping like a coma for two years now.

Talon: Oh yeah... [sees Link] Heeyy... wait a gosh-darned cotton-pickin' minute!

Navi: Look, Link! Our token hick!

Talon: You's is that little punk that went an' woke me up outside the castle all them years ago!

Link: Thaaaat's me.

Talon: 'Ey, I thought it was you! Say, boy, would you mind doin' me a favor?

Link: What favor?

Talon: I was hopin' maybe... since yer a good kid n' all... maybe ya could set my little Malon free from that skinny-ass loser Ingo?

Link: Hey, uh, yeah, about that... I did that five chapters ago.

Talon: ... No kiddin'?

Link: No kiddin', pardner.

Talon: Well golly gee, that sure is good of ya... Now I cin go back to mah ranch and sleep my ass off all the day long!

Link: Yep.

Talon: Weee-yah! I'm off ter sleep n' sleep some more! [runs like a demented penguin out of the house]

[Link and Navi glance back and forth to one another.]

Link: ... FREAK.

Navi: Stupid freaky NPCs...

[The hippie trumpet music plays loudly again and the Chicken Lady randomly kicks the door open and strolls inside, bobbing back and forth and singing to "Love Or Let Me Be Lonely" again]

Chicken Lady: [snatches the chicken out of Link's hands]
Hey boy! I see you've made him happy!
They like to wake people up, don't ya know?
Now I got another one, a blue chicken this time
Who won't crow for anyone but my bro...

Link: [says very quickly] NO.

Chicken Lady: No?

Link: NO! Lady, we do NOT have the time to be looking for your brother with our only witness being a stupid chicken!

Navi: We're BUSY! We have to go to Death Mountain to get Link a new Goron sword...

Link: Mmhmm, right! Then I have to awaken two more Sages and save the world from Ganondorf!

Chicken Lady: [not paying attention, bursts into her song]
I could go look for my brother with this chicken of blue
If I wanted to!
But I don't want to, so I leave it up to you to go and find the clues!

Link: WAAGH!

Chorus Singers and Chicken Lady:
SHE COULD GO AND FIND HER BROTHER IF SHE WANTED TO, BUT HERE'S THE WAY THINGS GO!
JUST ANOTHER SILLY RPG TRADING SEQUENCE FOR YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE THE HERO! OH-OH!

Chorus Singers:
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOO DOOT DOO..
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOO DOOT DOO...

[The woman corners Link, even though he is trying to back away]

Link: NO... NO... [her shadow covers his face] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[BRIGHT flash of light]

[Scene: Link and Navi are strolling, carrying Cojiro the blue chicken, begrudgingly through the beginning of the Kokiri Forest, with the rap beat in the background again.]

Navi: So, uh... why are we back here?

Link: Because I need to get a bloody pair of gloves before this stupid hostile depressed chicken pecks my hands off...

Navi: Aren't you WEARING gloves?

Link: [holds up his scratched, badly bleeding hands]

Navi: I see...

Cojiro: COCKADOODLE DOOOOOOO!

Link: [jumps a foot in the air, scaring Cojiro and making him poop all over Link's tunic] AIE!

Navi: Link! Cojiro! He crowed!

Link: HE CRAPPED ON MY TUNIC! STUPID BLOODY- [prepares to spike the chicken on the ground again, suddenly hears someone cocking a rifle and stops immediately, stroking the chicken lovingly] I mean... cute little guy!

Navi: The Chicken Lady said that Cojiro would only crow for her brother!

Link: ... so?

Navi: And he just crowed!

Link: ... so?

Navi: THAT MEANS THAT THE CHICKEN LADY'S BROTHER IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!

Link: ... It does?

Navi: Yes!

Link: YAY!

[Big bright light, and here goes the rap beat again!]

[Link and Navi wander into a clearing and see, leaning against a stump, a skinny, pale Gollum-esque young man who is not looking too healthy at the moment.]

Link:
Ouch, jeez, I've never seen
A guy who looks so young lookin' quite so green
Something's wrong with him!
Does he got the flu, or malari?
I've seen healthier people in a mortuary

Navi: [points at Cojiro, who is scratching Link like crazy]
He's tearin' up your clothes!
How great, the chicken knows!
That must be the lady's brother, by the way he crows!
Let's go wake him up!
It'd do him some good!
And besides we told the chicken lady that we would

Link: [stops Navi]
All right, so we wake him up
And hand over the bird
But this is all that I'm sayin'
This is my final word
NO MORE FAVORS now
NO MORE ERRANDS then
After this, back to Death Mountain
To go shopping again!
I don't care if it's important!
I don't care if they throw a fit!
After this we're heading onwards...
And gettin' Biggy with it!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Navi:
Gettin' Biggy with it?

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NA!

[The rap beat sort of fades into the background as Link and Navi tiptoe over and Cojiro crows loudly right in the ear of the creepy young man]

Creepy Guy: WAGH! [wakes up, looking around] WHAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WOKE ME UP!?

Navi: Oh yeah... the DISGUSTING kid!

Link: Did we meet him?

Navi: We chorused it out, but yes, he did. He said we were disgusting.

Creepy Guy: [glares at them, doesn't notice Cojiro] People are disgusting.

Link: That's right, Ruto is disgusting.

Creepy Guy: My own father and mother are disgusting.

Navi: If your mother is that man-woman thingy, I'd have to agree.

Creepy Guy: You must be disgusting, too.

Link: I RESENT THAT REMARK, YOU LITTLE- [prepares to spike Cojiro at the creepy guy]

Creepy Guy: [eyes pop out] EH!? C-COJIRO?!

Link: Oh, you know each other?

Creepy Guy: [motioning wildly with his hands] QUICK, GIVE HIM TO ME!

Link: Okay. [hands him over]

Creepy Guy: [cradles Cojiro to his chest and strokes him] OH... OH... MY BELOVED... MY DARLING BLUE CHICKEN, I'VE MISSED YOU SO... YOU'VE COME TO COMFORT ME IN MY DARKEST HOUR...

Navi: Whaddya mean?

Creepy Guy: You know the curse of the Lost Woods, right? I'M TURNING INTO A SKULL KID!

[Link and Navi examine him for a moment, and Link reaches over and taps him on his pale, clammy head]

Link: Too late, in my opinion.

Creepy Guy: I've been lost here for too long... I'm too weak to leave... in just a little bit, I'll become a monster...

Link: I think a Skull Kid is hardly a monster... I find their playful, impish ways sort of cute, actually.

Creepy Guy: THEY ARE NOT CUTE! Have you read the script to the sequel?

Link: Sequel?

Creepy Guy: Twenty-Four Masks For Young Link- The Majora's Mask Musical?!

(A/N: Thank you to Chris186 for correcting me on my title... there are twenty-FOUR masks in Majora's Mask, not twenty-eight unless you count the four boss masks. ^_^ That could have been embarrassing.)

Link: THERE'S GONNA BE A SEQUEL?! SWEEEEEEET!

Creepy Guy: But there's no time for that now! P-please... Mr. Nice Guy...

Link: [snorts, crosses his arms] I thought I was DISGUSTING.

Creepy Guy: Cojiro only likes nice guys... you must be a nice guy...

Link: [glances briefly at the heavy bleeding on his torso as a result of Cojiro's claws, but stays quiet]

Creepy Guy: Please... you're my only hope! Please take this Magic Mushroom to the old lady at the potion shop in Kakariko Village...

Link: NO!

Creepy Guy: PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU! If I don't take the potion made from that mushroom in time, I'll become a Skull Kid!

Link: Sorry, pal, we got too much to do... I really have to get going to Death Mountain now, before I...

[Hippie music starts again]

Creepy Guy:
So you come here with the chicken I raised!
On this, the very worst of my days!
Can you do me a favor, my friend?
Otherwise, this could very well be my end!

Link: Oh, DIN.

Creepy Guy:
I'd go and get my potion this curse to undo
If I were able to!
But I'm unable to, so I leave it up to you to bid the curse adieu!

Chorus Singers and Creepy Guy:
HE WOULD GO AND GET THE POTION WERE HE ABLE TO, BUT HERE'S THE WAY THINGS GO!
JUST ANOTHER SILLY RPG TRADING SEQUENCE FOR YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE THE HERO! OH-OH!

Chorus Singers:
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...

[As Link takes the mushroom and stomps off, there is a dance number in which the Creepy Guy and Chicken Lady appear and dance together with an entourage of dancers, high-kicking and smiling cheerily]

Chorus, Creepy Guy, Chicken Lady:
OH! IT'S A TRADING SEQUENCE!
ANOOOOTHER SILLY TRADING SEQUENCE!
THE SILLIEST THINGS ARE GIVEN AWAY!
ANOOOOTHER SILLY TRADING SEQUENCE!

[Bright lights flash and our heroes are back in Kakariko Village, where Link trudges angrily up the stairs to the second potion shop and throws the door open.]

Granny: [filing her nails] Oh? How may I help you today, child?

Link: [reading rather begrudgingly out of the script] Hello. I am Link. I come from Kokiri Forest. Is this the second potion shop in Kakariko Village?

Granny: Correction, you little punk. This is the FIRST potion shop in Kakariko Village! That wenchy little squatter next door only came here when she got her sorry ass chased out of the castle town!

Navi: Well, whatever, lady... We're here on an important mission!

Granny: [examines the nail file with one hand, strokes her pet... tiger? with the other] What sort of mission would that be... eee? [she sniffs heavily]

Navi: Bless you.

Granny: ... What is that smell?

Link: Sorry.

Granny: NO... that smells... like one of those potent magic mushrooms from the Lost Woods!

Link: Oh yeah. That's cause it is one. [holds up the magic mushroom, which is wafting green smelly spores all over the place]

Granny: [leaps out of her seat and onto the table, punching the air and scaring the poop out of her poor... tiger] LAND SAKES! SAKES ALIVE! GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST, IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE SEEN ONE O' THEM THINGS!

Link: Oh... uh... thank you.

Granny: [leans on the counter, after removing the... tiger from the ceiling fan] How much you want for it, young man? I'll give you good money for that thing!

Link: [looks quite charming] I won't take any less than 300 Rupees for-

Navi: [hits him in the forehead] LINK!

Link: OW! What?!

Navi: You can't SELL that thing!

Link: Why not?!

Navi: IT'S ILLEGAL TO SELL MUSHROOMS IN HYRULE!

Granny: Oh, come now, little fairy. Everyone's doing it. I make loads of money off of them.

Link: Hur, yeah, Navi, don't be a party pooper! [is about to hand over the mushroom in exchange for a fat purse full of Rupees]

Navi: But... Link! THIS MAKES YOU A DRUG DEALER!

Link: ... [makes an odd face] ... Morals... tugging... at... me...

Granny: Oh, come on, kid!

Link: [clutching forehead, dropping the mushroom on the floor] MUST... NOT... LISTEN... TO... GLOWING... TENNIS BALL... CONSCIENCE...

Navi: [bursts into song from the movie "Pinocchio"]
AAAAAND ALWAYS LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE!

Link: DERN. [takes the mushroom back] And anyway, lady... This isn't my mushroom anyway.

Granny: [whacks Link over the head with a conspicuously placed umbrella] TRYING TO CHEAT AN OLD LADY, EH?!

Link: OW! [grabs his head in pain] ARRRGH! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THIS, BUT
[rapping again]
Look, I didn't want to come here
You stupid old bat
I'm running errands for losers
And I really resent that
So I tried to make my way home
To get a pair of gloves
When I get mauled up by this chicken
And ordered by the dude he loves
To bring this mushroom
All the way back to this place
Cause in a little bit
He isn't gonna have a face

Granny: [Hey! Rapping Granny! COOL!]
That stupid fool!
That little brat!
Goodness me, how many times
Did I tell him that?!
They ought to lock him up
I ought to throw away the key
But will you let me have the magic mushroom?

Link: [hands over the mushroom]
Yessiree.

Granny: [takes it, takes a deep whiff, and continues to rap]
Well, that stupid kid's my grandson
So I suppose it would be nice
If I could whip up that there potion
In... oh, a minute will suffice
Just park your butt right there
And I will boil it down
And then you hurry it back
To that disobedient clown

Link:
And after that, THAT'S ALL I'M DOING!
That is all I'm gonna pry!
All I wanted was a sword
To make the evil monsters die
And I've been sent on several detours
But I promise, this is it!
After this, Navi...

Navi:
WE'RE GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link and Navi:
GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NA!

[BLAM! Another extremely bright flash of light]

[Scene: Link and Navi are once again in the opening section of Kokiri Forest, on the way to drop off the weird potion (which looks like a brown ping-pong ball in an eggroll wrapper) to the very unhealthy looking creepy guy.]

Link: Ah, it feels so good to help out a citizen in need!

Navi: All you've been doing today is whining about having to run errands for those citizens in need, Link.

Link: Raising a chicken is not quite what I'd call a citizen in need... but we are saving a life, Navi! We are helping to stop a man from becoming a monster!

Navi: I thought we went over that Skull Kids do not count as monsters.

Link: ... HYUSH!

[But as Link and Navi arrive in the grove where the creepy anemic guy had been waiting, he is nowhere to be seen. The log that he once occupied is empty and instead, a dark shadow can be seen behind it...]

Link: ... Where'd he go?

Navi: ... Mister... Sickly Creepy Guy? Are you... are you here?

Link: [walks around the log, raises an eyebrow] ... He must have moved, or something...

[Suddenly, a very small hand pokes Link in the shoulder]

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! [leaps a foot in the air]

Navi: Relax, Link! It's just that one Kokiri girl with the pigtails...

Kokiri Girl: [gives a sinister little smile, says with the inflection of those girls from "The Shining"] Hello, Mister...

Link: [swallows heavily] Oh, um... hello!

Kokiri Girl: That guy... he is gone. He isn't here anymore... he has left this place.

Navi: A little redundant, isn't that?

Link: SHHH! [hushes her]

Navi: What?

Link: [whispering very loudly into her ear] DON'T QUESTION HER... THAT'S CRAZY SAMMY... SHE'S CRAZY!

Navi: She's standing right there, Link. That's awfully rude.

Crazy Sammy: [smiles demonically at Navi] Hello... Fairy.

Link: [whispering loudly again] Don't make any sudden movements... she's nuts! She used to use her evil psychic powers to make our lives miserable when we were kids here in the forest!

Navi: Are you off your nut? She's just a...

Crazy Sammy: Talk to me, Mister... [her eyes glow]

[The stage lights suddenly dim, and Link goes rigid.]

Link: [muttering gibberish, as though he has been possessed] GOTCHABAGUSE! GOTCHABAGUSE!

Navi: L-Link!?

Link: GOTCHABAGOTCHABAGOTCHABAGUSE...

Crazy Sammy: HEE HEE HEE... [she releases Link from her scary powers, and he slumps down in a heap on the ground]

[Navi snaps to attention]

Navi: [big, fake, cheesy grin] W-well hello there, little girl! Could you please tell us where that man went?

Crazy Sammy: [very calmly] He's not here anymore. Anyone who gets lost in the forest will become a Skull Kid... Anyone. Skull Kid. He got lost. He's anyone. He became a Skull Kid...

Link: [sits up] We were too late!?

Crazy Sammy: Yes. Too late... Too late... [She suddenly closes her eyes and begins to sing in a scary voice] Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day...

Navi: N-NOW NOW... er... No need to go craz- er... Um...

Crazy Sammy: [notices the potion (?) in Link's hands] That potion is made from forest mushrooms.

Link: ERK...

Crazy Sammy: Give it back.

Link: [throws it at her, terrified for his life]

Crazy Sammy: Thank you... Mister... HEE HEE HEE HEE... [she suddenly reaches into her pocket and pulls out a hacksaw]

Link: [leaps into Navi's arms] AAAAAAARRRGGGGH!

Navi: PUT THE HACKSAW DOWN! HACKSAW DOWN, IT'S OKAY, LITTLE GIRL!

[Link and Navi both burst into tears and plead Sammy to spare their lives. The innocent little girl just raises her eyebrows and sets the hacksaw down at Link's feet]

Crazy Sammy: That man left this here. I don't want it. Take it away from me.

Link: [stops screaming, glances down at the saw and removes himself from Navi's person, picking up the saw and smiling] Don't mind if I do.

[Yay, more hippie music!]

Crazy Sammy: [singing in her monotonous, scary voice]
So he became a monster and left this place
And he left his saw by the tree
I don't want it here, so take it away
Before you feel the wrath of me! [thunder]

[Trumpet chords]

Crazy Sammy:
I would get rid of that hacksaw, yes it's very clear
If I could get out of here
But I cannot leave so I ask you for reprieve now take the thing away! Hey hey!

Link and Navi: [sighing heavily, sitting, boredly waiting for the song to get going]

Chorus Singers and Crazy Sammy:
SHE WOULD TAKE THE THING AWAY WERE SHE ABLE TO, BUT HERE'S THE WAY THINGS GO!
JUST ANOTHER SILLY RPG TRADING SEQUENCE FOR YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE THE HERO! OH-OH!

Link: [stomping away with the saw in his hands, glaring viciously at everything around him]

Crazy Sammy: Hee hee... are you... too? TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [FINALLY!]
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI RAN ABOUT A MILLION MORE ERRANDS FOR A MILLION MORE PEOPLE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Death Mountain. Broken Goron Sword in hand, Link and Navi march, skipping along to their rap beat finally on their way to "Get Biggy With It".)

Link:
Well the damn errands took real long!
But now that we are reachin' the end of this song
We know we gonna have ourselves a real good time
Soon we're gonna have The Biggy and it will be mine...
Six feet of Goron Steel
Smithed by finest in the land
Worth at least a hundred Rupees
If not a whole grand
With a blade that could cut hairs in half
And a reach that's just divine
We're gettin' Biggy with it Navi
The sword will finally be mine!

Navi:
But you realize, Link
That on we may have to troop
After all, the author's
Got this song playing a loop
It's already too long for the original thing
That's why there's seventeen pages
On this half-chapter fling
You know I have this sinking feeling
And it's making me queasy
Our quest to get this Biggy Sword
It just seems to easy...

Link: [gasps, points at her with the broken sword]
YOU LIE! (You lie!)
YOU JEST! (You jest!)
How could you, Navi my friend?
Trivialize that whole quest?
Running errands for the world, it took an hour or more!
Name twenty people in Hyrule we didn't do nothin' for!

Navi: [counts]
Well there's the... um...
...........................

Link:
My thoughts exactly!

Navi:
But people who've played the game already've
Probably caught on
That only ONE more errand took place
During that chorus song!

Link: [gasps]

Navi:
All you did was drop the saw off to the Carpenter Boss!
And he gave you that broken sword, sorry Link, you're at a loss!
We've still got more to do
And we can never quit
Another trading sequence 'fore...
We get Biggy with it!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link: [bursts into sobbing tears]
LET ME BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

[They at last reach the top of Death Mountain, where there is a tremendous, sleepy rumbling noise as a tremendous Goron stands up, his eyes shut tight.]

Biggoron: [yawns widely, making the earth shake] MMMMM... Hello? Isssssssss someone therrrrrrrrrre?

Link: YEAH! DOWN HERE!

Biggoron: Hmm? [moves his head downwards towards Link] Who ssssssssssaid that?

Navi: BIG GORON, OVER HERE!

Biggoron: Hang on a ssssssssssssecond... Let me ssssssssssssssee here...

[Reaching out two gigantic hands, Biggoron feels around the top of the mountain to try and find Link and Navi, in the process smashing them flat on their faces]

Biggoron: [finally detects Link] Ah, therrrrrrrrrre you arrrrrrrrre... ssssssssssssso, how may I help you?

Link: [muffled noises]

Biggoron: Ssssssssssssssorrrrrrrrrry, what was that?

Link: AAGH THE PAIN! AAGH THE PAIN!

Biggoron: Hmm?

Navi: [frantic tone] Excuse me Mister Big Goron Sir...

Biggoron: Yessssssss, my name is Biggorrrrrron.

Navi: Okay, Mr. Biggoron Sir, if you don't mind, you're smashing my charge into the dirt with your pinky finger.

Biggoron: Oh. Ssssssssssssorrrrrrrrry. [he lifts his finger]

Link: [sits up, his face is one big bruise, but speaking quite cheerfully] Greetings, my gargantuan Goron friend. I am Link, the Hero of Time. I understand that you run a blade store?

Biggoron: [thinks for a long moment] Why yesssssssss, asssssss a matter of fact, Mrrrrrrr. Link, I am a blackssssssssmith. It'sssssss in my blood... My brotherrrrrrrrr is alssssssssssso a blacksssssssssssmith.

Navi: Okay, no offense, but could we cut it with the long S's and R's? It's getting a leeeeetle beeeeet annoying.

Biggoron: Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Navi: ...

Link: [clears his throat, applies Neosporin to his severe injuries] Anyhoo, I understand that you make something called the Biggoron's Sword, which kicks total ass.

Biggoron: [thinks for another long moment] Why yes, as a matter of fact! The Biggoron's Sword is my greatest seller, as well as my ONLY seller.

Link: Yeeeesss... [eyes are big and dreamy]

Biggoron: [sounding like a brochure as he speaks quite fluidly] The Biggoron's Sword is 6 blazing feet of the finest steel to be found on Death Mountain, with a fine blue stone handle that won't break and an exquisitely detailed signature of the Goron Tulip inlayed with 24 kt gold. It has been proven in field trials to whomp the life out of any evil monster your heart could desire to whomp.

Link: SOLD! [stomps his feet and throws his hands up in the air]

Biggoron: [scratching behind his head] Yes, er... well... how can I say this?

Navi: A rap?

Biggoron: Good idea.
[Gettin' Jiggy With It]
Well ya see little Hylian dude
I'd like nothin' better than to sell one to you
But you see policy says to me that I can't

Link:
Brother Goron, why not?
I'll give you all that I got
I wanna get my hands on that sword a whole lot!
I wanna smash things!
I wanna cut things in half!
I wanna make all the monsters in Hyrule feel my wrath
But I can't, you see!
Until you sell that sword to me!
The Master Sword just can't fulfill my fantasy

Biggoron:
But I made this deal with my brother, y'know?
That would give him a chance for his business to grow
His name is Medigoron...

Navi:
Oh, that particular chap?
I hate to tell you this, buddy, but his swords are all crap

Biggoron: [dancing]
And so I told him that I wouldn't make any more
Until he'd at least sold a couple of swords
And I said that I'd be content in doing repairs
Until my brother gets back on his feet down there

Link:
Well that's fine with me
My big Goron friend
I've got a sword that's in pieces
And it's yours, to that in
Can you fix it for me, Biggoron?
And maybe, complimentary?
And if you need some kinda payment
I could sell you my fairy!

[Navi slugs Link, and Biggoron takes the sword from his hands and feels it]

Biggoron:
Oh yes...
This sword is made by me
But I can't fix anything right now, don't you see?

Link:
AND WHY NOT?!

Navi:
WHY NOT?!

Link:
Why not give it a shot?

Biggoron:
You see, I'd love to fix it for you but I can't see a lot
When the big swirly cloud thingy got sucked away
A big eruption shook the mountain on that wonderful day
And it shot fire and magma rock, to my surprise
Now all the shrapnel from Death Mountain's irritating my eyes!

Link: NO!

Biggoron: [puts on some Bigsunglasses]
I'm as blind as a bat!
And pretty helpless, at that
I can't do any more work until my vision comes back!

Link:
Well can I help you buddy?
Is there anything I can do?

Biggoron:
Why actually, there is
I need some eyedrops, it's true
And all the best eyedrops all come from Zora's Domain
If you could take down this prescription-

[The rap beat shorts out and Link gives a violent scream of agony]

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Biggoron: [puzzled] What is it?

Navi: [sighs, inserts earplugs]

[Link begins an interlude, which isn't to the tune of anything in particular.]

Link:
That's it!
That's enough!
No more favors!
I said I was done!
I'm not an errand boy, great Din!
This stupid quest I'll never win!
I raised the chicken!
I found her brother!
I delivered the mushroom!
I returned the potion!
I took away the saw!
I picked up the broke sword!
And I took it up here!
But there was all a point to that
I'm not that nice of a guy
All I want is a sword!
A sword!
ALL I WANT IS THE BIGGORON'S SWORD!
ALL I WANT IS TO SAVE THE WORLD!
ALL I WANT IS TO STOP RUNNING ERRANDS FOR YOU I AM FINISHED IT'S TRUE ALL I WANT IS A WEAPON THAT'S TALLER THAN ME, AND IF POSSIBLE, FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I AM DONE WITH THIS CRAP!
MY RESOLUTION IS LIT!
AND BY NAYRU I WON'T STOP UNTIL REAL DEAD I DROP OR WHEN THAT SWORD IS MINE ALL I WANT ANYMORE IS MY HANDS ON THAT SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!

Navi: [cuts in] To get Biggy with it?

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Biggoron:
GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

[The rap leads immediately into the hippie song again. This is getting repetitive. I'll hurry guys, I promise.]

Biggoron:
Eyes, my eyesight has left me!
And eyedrops they will do the trick!
If you want that sword, you'll have to be patient
And to this sequence you will have to stick!

I could fix your sword if I wanted to
Cause I'm a blacksmith, dude!
But I can't see too well, so my services can't sell themselves to you!

Chorus Singers and Biggoron:
HE COULD FIX UP YOUR SWORD IF HE WANTED TO, BUT HERE'S THE WAY THINGS GO!
JUST ANOTHER SILLY RPG TRADING SEQUENCE FOR YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE THE HERO! OH-OH!

Chorus Singers:
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...
DOOT DOOT DOO DOO...

[Biggoron, the Carpenter Boss Man, Granny and Crazy Sammy the Kokiri randomly appear onstage for a dance number.]

Chorus, Biggoron, Carpenter Boss Man, Granny and Crazy Sammy:
OH! IT'S A TRADING SEQUENCE!
ANOOOOTHER SILLY TRADING SEQUENCE!
THE SILLIEST THINGS ARE GIVEN AWAY!
ANOOOOTHER SILLY TRADING SEQUENCE!

[The song begins to patter out, but something tells us it'll be back]

Biggoron: So, do you think you could... um... [silence] ... Hello?

Navi: Link's long gone. I think he left down the mountain right at the beginning of your song.

Biggoron: ... Impatient sssssssssssorrrrrrt of fellow, isssssssn't he?

Navi: Oh, you have no idea. Try getting him to pay attention during those stories Sheik keeps telling us.

(Scene: Link is riding Epona across the field as fast as he can, with Navi- who has caught up- close behind. Fast paced music is playing and Link reaches back into his backpack and pulls out a Red Bull. He pops the top and sticks it on a beer bong into Epona's mouth.]

Link: [singing to the face-paced music]
I didn't wanna go run errands
All wanted was to own that sword!

Navi: [butts in]
And you don't.

Link:
I don't wanna go run errands!

Navi:
But you have to to get it-

Link: [ignores her completely]
So I won't.
I'll settle this problem the American Way!
[thinks for a minute] Even though this is Hyrule, I will do it that way
ALL THAT I'VE GOT TO DO IS TO HURRY IT UP GET TO ZORA'S DOMAIN!

Navi:
If you don't mind my asking, my friend, what's "American Way"?

Link:
That's when I put half-ass effort into everything that I say-
I'll do.
Then I reap the rewards and I laugh and I flee
With six feet of sharp steel that is taller than me!
And I race to the rescue and defeat Ganondorf
So everyone forgives me for the lies told before
With the Biggoron Sword I'll save the LAAAAAAAAAAAND!
... Or at least, that's what I've got planned.

Navi: Should you be giving Epona that much Red Bull?

Link: Why not?

Epona: [eyes are bloodshot, tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth and she sounds like she's hyperventilating]

Navi: ... That's why.

Link: Don't worry. It gives her-

[Come on, everybody who's seen those commercials. You can guess what happens next. I'll give you three parentheses.]

[]


[]


[]

[Good job. Epona starts running really, really fast. ... What did you think I'd give her WINGS? Come on, THAT never happened in the game!]

Link: [flung backwards and almost off of the saddle -WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

Navi: [flying at top speed to keep up with them] GREAT IDEA, IDIOT!

Link: [his cheeks are flying out] NOOOOOOOO KIDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIING, EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH?

(Scene: Zora's Domain. Big Fat King Zora has decided that he is hungry, so he is once again heading across his little throne area towards his mini fridge.)

King Zora: Ruto- Hang on in there, Pookie... Almost to the-Ruto- mini-fridge...

Queen Zora: [still within her husband's tremendous gut] For NAYRU'S SAKE, don't you think you've had enough, you big fat fatty fat fathead!?

King Zora: [blushes] Pookie... -Ruto- There's no -Ruto- need to yell.

Queen Zora: OF COURSE THERE IS! YOU ATE ME, YOU STUPID SELF-RIGHTEOUS FAT PIG! AND I HAVE TO YELL IF I WANT THE SOUND TO PENETRATE THROUGH YOUR BIG, FAT, STUPID LAYERS OF FAT!

King Zora: [scowls as he continues moving at a rate of about 1 cm per ten million years, about the same as the universal gravitation] Shouldn't you be digested by now, Pookie?

Queen Zora: YOU ONLY WISH, LARD-ASS! [pause] Hey, quit moving for a second, will ya?

[King Zora stops moving (though really, it's sort of hard to tell when he's come to a complete stop, now isn't it?)]

King Zora: ... -Ruto-. What is it, Pookie?

Queen Zora: I can hear it. Someone's coming.

King Zora: Who is it, Pookie? Ruto.

Queen Zora: [apparently listens very carefully, which is quite a feat, considering that she's a fish and se has no ears, and she is inside of her husband's tremendous digestive system] Hmmm... It sounds like a young Hero and his guardian fairy... mmm... riding this way on a horse drunked up on Red Bull and going about 1/8th the speed of light.

King Zora: What color is the horse?

Queen Zora: YOU IDIOT, HOW SHOULD I KNOW THAT BY LISTENING?!

[Sure enough, a few seconds later, Link, Navi and Epona (?) come speeding into the throne room, jumping up and down and in severe hyperdrive]

King Zora: Oh! Will you look, it's the fellow who saved-

Link: [bloodshot eyes, has apparently taken some Red Bull for himself] HEYTHEREKINGZORA, HOWYADOIN'MAN, ICOMEFROMDEATHMOUNTAININTHENAMEOFYOURFRIENDBIGGORONANDHENEEDSSOMEEYEDROPSSO IFYOUCOULDPLEASEGIVEMEANEYEBALLFROGIGOTTAHURRYANDDROPITOFFSOGIMMEONENOW,PLE ASE!

Navi: [also in hyperdrive, already in King Zora's mini-fridge, digging around and pulls out a live Eyeball Frog] HEYLOOKITLINKIFOUNDONE!

Link: OKAYTHANKSALOTMANWE'REOUTTAHEREWE'LLGIVEBIGGORONYOURLOVE!

Epona: NEEEEIGH!

[And with a little dust cloud and a WHOOSH noise, they are gone.]

King Zora: .........

Queen Zora: .........

King Zora: [explodes with fury] I WAS GONNA EAT THAT! THOSE -Ruto- ... THOSE... AARRRGGGH!

Queen Zora: Oh for the love of DIN... AUTHOR! GET THIS OVER WITH!

GG: Whatever!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
THE AUTHOR'S SICK OF THIS SO IT'S TIME FOR LINK TO FINALLY GET HIS BIGGY!

Link: YAAAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Back at the top of Death Mountain, Biggoron waits patiently for his delivery boy to return. Link appears from the climbing wall, with big bloodshot eyes, not looking too healthy. He is carrying a small star-shaped bottle of something.)

Biggoron: Oh boy... you arrrrrrrrre back?

Link: [panting heavily]

Biggoron: ... I guessssssssss... I GUESSSSSSSSS you'rrrrrrrrrre back?

Link: [lifts his head and opens his mouth to speak, just gags and falls back to a prone position]

Navi: [equally tired, but able of speech] HUFF... PUFF... Y-yeah... we're back...

Link: [holds up the bottle] WITH EYEDROPS!

Biggoron: [gasps, gets excited] RRRRRRRRRRRRREALLY? You rrrrrrrreally brrrrrrrrought them?!

Link: [picks himself up off the ground and hobbles over to him] Yeah... Herrrrrre ya go. [tosses the bottle to Biggoron]

[Biggoron attempts to catch them, but they hit him in the forehead and he ends up losing his balance, tumbling backwards and off of the mountain like a metric ton of bricks]

Biggoron: OOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- WHOMP!

Link: [suddenly regains all energy, speeds over and stares down the cliff] WH-WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BIGGORON! BIIIIGGGOOOOOROOOOOOON!

Navi: [speeds over his shoulder, looks down at the massive crater] OH MY GODDESS! HE SLAMMED INTO KAKARIKO VILLAGE! Oh, the HUMANITY! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! EVERY ONE OF THEM! AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

Link: [grabs Navi] WHAT ABOUT BIGGORON?! IS HE ALL RIGHT?!

Navi: [looks away] Agh, Link, he landed on his head... Of course he's not all right! [squealing, on the verge of tears] OHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE! WE JUST LOST HALF THE NPCS IN THIS GAME!

Link: BUT WHAT ABOUT MY SWORD?!

Navi: [knocks him in the head] LINK! There are more IMPORTANT things to worry about than your stupid sword! [sobbing] It's so terrible... So very terrible...

[Something bad is happening to Link. He stumbles back, away from the cliff edge, clutching the sides of his head and mumbling things. Suddenly, something in his fragile, angsty, 17-year-old brain snaps and he glares viciously at the camera, panting heavily, foaming at the mouth]

Navi: [notices this] Ah... Link...? You okay?

Link: [extends a shaking finger at the camera] YOU...

Navi: Link... calm down... calm down, Linky-Boy... it's okay, it's okay...

Link: [in a low, deadly voice] YOU... DID... THIS... TO... ME...

Navi: Link! Deep breath! 12 Steps Link, come on, remember the 12 Steps! Count to 10! Count to 10 buddy, you're all right... aren't you?

[Suddenly, Link bursts out into a loud, terrible scream of rage and draws his sword, leaping at the camera]

Link: AUUUUTHOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Navi: LIIINK! NOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE! THAT'S THE AUDIENCE! YOU CAN'T GO THAT WAY, LINK, CALM DOWN! GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT, MISTER!

Link: RAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!

[Link speeds through the crowded auditorium where the musical is taking place, slobbering the drool of insanity all over everybody in there. Which means you, reading this right now. Wipe your face.]

(Scene: A small, dark computer room in an undisclosed secret location. A dark shadow sits, tapping keys. She has big, crazy, swirly-eyes and is grinning maniacally)

GG: [giggling evilly, making up a little song]
Tappy, tappy, tappy keys...
Everything is as I please...
I'm such a loser... yes, I am
I spend all my time in the basement
Where I type and type and type and type
And ruin people's lives, yes...
I type and type and ruin lives
I mess up video games and make people sing
I'm such a loser, I don't have a life
I'll never be somebody's wife
Tappy, tappy, tappy keys...

Link: DIE PESTILENT SCUM OF THE EARTH!

GG: [looks up from her computer for ONCE] Eeeehhhh?

Link: [standing over her, wielding the Master Sword]

GG: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! [clutches the computer monitor as to protect it] MINE! MINE! IT'S MINE! MY STORY! YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT, IT'S MY CREATION! YOUUUU ARE MY CREATION!

Link: I'LL KEEEEEEEEEEEEELL YOU! YOU TOOK MY BIGGORON'S SWORD!

GG: You can't keeeeell ME! I'M THE AUTHOR!

Link: WATCH ME, YOU DELUDED SADISTIC LITTLE-

GG: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK BRUTALLY BUTCHERED THE AUTHOR UNTIL SHE PROMISED TO REWRITE THE END OF THE CHAPTER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: So, um... sorry about that. ^____^ I was just kidding, really. So now that the Unsent Author is back on her feet [and her feet are back on her body], she promises that she shall write the chapter the way it's supposed to go.)

Biggoron: Aaahhh... [drips two huge drops into his eyes and blinks, opening them] WOOOWWW! Thesssssse are worrrrrrrrrrrrrking grrrrrrrrreat! I feel ssssssso rrrrrrrelieved!

Link: [sane again, salutes proudly] Glad to be of service my big Goron friend!

Navi: Hee hee!

Biggoron: Now I can finally get back to worrrrrrrrrrrrrrk! And forrrrrrrrr my firrrrrrsssssssssst project, I sssssssssshall fix your ssssssssworrrrrrd.

Link and Navi: YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Link: [and finally, he shall close out the rap]
Finally!
I never thought I would see
The day when my broken big-ass sword would finally be made!
I ran half a million errands to earn this thing
And when I finally receive it I'll be Hero KING
Smashing monsters wherever I go
They'll learn to fear me baby, as the great Hero!
All of the bosses in the temples will go down without a fight
When I get six feet of Goron steel added to my might

Navi:
And so the lesson here is
You gotta go and never quit
If your life's only goal is to...
Get Biggy with it.

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link:
GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Navi:
GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!

Link and Navi:
WE'RE GETTIN' BIGGY WITH IT!

Chorus Singers:
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA!
NA NA NA NA NA-NA-NA! NA NA NA NA NA-NA! NANANA!

Biggoron: [interrupts, as the music cuts out] I'm done, ssssssssirrrrrrrrr.

Link: [stops dancing to the rap] You are?

Biggoron: Yessssssssssss, ssssssssssirrrrr.

Link: WOW! [hopping up and down] OOOOOOOOH, GIVE IT TO ME, GIIIIVE IT TO ME!

Biggoron: Trrrrrrrrrrrrade for claim check.

Navi: Give him your claim check, Link!

Link: Er, okay! [digs in his pockets, pulls out a crinkled piece of paper] HERE! HERE! GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME!

Biggoron: [takes the claim check from him and examines it] ... Why issssssss it ssssssssticky?

Link: Oh, er... I had to blow my nose, and I didn't have any other paper...

Navi: Link, that's disgusting.

Link: I thought it would be appropriate to make the claim check dance, though.

Navi: ... What are you talking about?

Link: I put a little boogie in it.

[Pa-dum, CHIIIIIII!]

Biggoron: ... Jussssssssst take the sssssworrrrrrd. You'rrrrrre one weirrrrrrrrrd Hylian, sssssssssirrrrrrrr.

Link: THANK YOU! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!

[Biggoron sets the most beautiful big-ass sword Link has ever seen, blade down into the dirt in front of him. Link is on it faster than art museum security guards on a photographer at a special exhibit.]

Link: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...

Navi: If you're going to turn into Gollum because of that thing, I'm taking it away.

Link: [strokes it, his eyes are watering and angelic music plays in the background] Oh... Oh God... I've never... never touched anything so beautiful in my entire life...

Navi: What about the Megaton Hammer?

Link: THIS IS DIFFERENT! [strokes the sword] Oh, my bliss at this moment... I can't describe it... I think the only way... would be to... to...

[A light, airy, hippie beat starts up in the background. Again.]

Navi: Oh NO.

Link: ... SING.

Biggoron: [watching out of the corner of one eye] Ssssssstrrrrrrange boy you got therrrrrrrrre, fairrrrrrry.

Navi: Oh, you have no idea.

[Link is prancing about, cradling the sword like it was his first-born child, and singing to "Good Morning Starshine" by Oliver. This song used to be on Sesame Street a lot. You will only understand the true hilarity of this if you find this song... This has got to be one of the biggest hippie song I've ever heard (not as bad as "Age of Aquarius", but that was chapter 16. ^_^)]

Link: [twirling around and clutching the sword close to him as guitars strum]
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...
La da da DA da da DA da da DA da da da da da la...
La da da DA da da DA da da DA da da da da da la...
[drum beat, he holds it up to the light]
Good morning, Steelshine...
And I love you so!
When I swing you above me...
When I swing you below...
Good morning, Steelshine...

Little Naked Angel Babies: [appear out of nowhere]
STEELSHINE...

Link:
It took me so long!
But now you're mine, and I sing...
My Biggy-loving hippie song...

Navi and Biggoron: [watching, with sweatdrops]

[Link dances about with the sword in his arms, occasionally kissing it as he sings]

Link and Angel Babies:
Diddy doot diddy diddy diddy doot doot da da la lo lo...
Swishy clangy swishy stabby stabby stabby ow ow ow, oh oh...
Doo-bee doo-bee wadda, doo-bee-doo-bee wadda
Biggy-loving hippie song...

Link: [steps out to the edge of the mountain, holds out his sword as to show it to the whole land]
Good morning, Steelshine!
There's love in your shine!
Reflecting the sunlight
In your owner's eyes...
Good morning, Steelshine!

Angel Babies:
STEEEEELSHIIIIIIIINE!

Link:
So happy to be
Holding you near me as I sing...
My Biggy-loving hippie song!

Link and Angel Babies:
Monsters better watch it, or else they'll find themselves impaled on your blade!
Biggoron says that you're the best thing that he has ever had made!
Doo-bee doo-bee wadda, doo-bee-doo-bee wadda
My Biggy-loving hippie song!

[A musical interlude, as Link does the tango with his sword, trying out a couple of moves on invisible monsters. A heavenly ray shines down on him as the sun begins to rise... even though it's daytime... Okay. Sparkly little things surround him, making for a very magical and very 1969 appearance.]

Link:
CAN YOU HEEEEEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
Singing a song of the sword that I spent all my time on so long...
Loving the sword that can splice up a gourd or give a monster EL-KABONG...
Sing the song, of the sword...
SWORD, SWORD, SWORD SIIIIIING, SING, SING, SING, SWOOOOOOOOORD!

Link and Angel Babies:
SWORD, SWORD, SWORD SIIIIIING, SING, SING, SING, SWOOOOOOOOORD!

[The music begins to fizzle out as Link kneels, bowing to the Biggy and stroking it lovingly]

Link:
Sword, swoooord song... my Biggy song...
Sing, sing, sing sword song, sing the song...
Sing, sing, song, my sword song...
SIIIIIIIING...

[There is a long pause as Link holds his finishing pose and Navi slowly comes over to him.]

Navi: Are you quite finished?

Link: Yes. [points with the sword down the mountain] QUICKLY NAVI! SO I CAN TRY THIS SWEET BABY OUT!

Navi: On what?

Link: Um... [thinks, scratching his head] ... Lessee... um... Well, we were on our way to Kakariko Village to find the next Sage half a chapter ago.

Navi: You can't kill anyone in Kakariko with that.

Link: I know... but where else can I... [suddenly gets an evil glance, and looks at the camera] ... Oh...

Navi: ... who are you looking at?

(Scene: GG's computer room.)

GG: [typing, still singing dementedly, though now she has a band-aid on her face]
Lazy, lazy, lazy
I'm so lazy
I wrote half a chapter
Though it's really probably as long as one should beeeeee
I'm so lazy
I won't write
I make them wait
And they can't do anything about it
Cause I'm evil
And I'm the author
And I write the story...
They're all at my mercy
Until I decide to set them freeeeeeeeeeeee...

[The sound of a door being kicked open]

GG: Eh?

Link: BLOODY AUTHOR SCUM!

GG: YYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Squeamish sounds of six feet of shiny Biggoron steel dismembering the already Unsent author rather gruesomely]

Navi: [standing in the stairwell, one eyebrow raised] Well, I hope she finished chapter 21 before he did that.

Link: [strolls back over, whistling cheerfully] Okay, that was fun. Let's go to Kakariko Village now!

Navi: Think we should call 911 for her?

Link: ... Naaaaah.

[And so, our favorite hero and his fairy march off to the already-completed and posted for three weeks chapter 20 of Hey, OCARINA! The Cheesy Zelda Musical!]


[Meanwhile, GG performs some home surgery and gets back to work on chapter 21, in which she will get revenge for her double murder.]


~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 19.5 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~