Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Nineteen: Water Temple ( Chapter 19 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Butchered... erm... written by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE NINETEEN: The Woes of the Water Temple (Here we go again with the titles...)

In this chapter...

Link, the hot Hero of Time!
Navi, his sidekick fairy!
Ruto, Ultra-Scary, Ultra-Naked Zora Princess!
Sheik, the hot Survivor of the Sheikah!
Dark Link, the hot evil Hero of Time!
Various evil water creatures!
Morpha, the Evilly Squishy Amoeba!
And guest-starring the Indigo-gos!
A random cameo by Ganondorf!

And again, in a random, pointless, plotless cameo... GERALDINE THE MUTANT ZELDA LASS!

A/N: Heh heh... in response to a review I received for the last chapter, I think I'd better clear this up. I am not writing a musical version of Majora's Mask at the current time, and any and all references to it in the story are jokes (IE: the pictograph in chapter 9, the giants in chapter 18). But that doesn't mean I might not write one in the future. ^.~

(Scene: The road to Lake Hylia. Cool rock guitars are jamming in the background as Link and Navi walk towards the lake. In fact, it sounds a good deal like "Dandy Life" by Collective Soul! The author is on a CS jive, in case you couldn't tell. They're an all-too-overlooked band, so feel free to go check some of their stuff out.)

Link: [in cheesy musical monologue mode] Here we go, Navi... another temple, another Sage...

Navi: This is starting to become routine for us, isn't it?

Link: [sighs, gazes up at the sky] Guess it's all in a day's work for me... A day in the life of a hero...

[Guitar and drum chords]

Link: [sings, facing the camera, reminiscing]
Took a walk to a forest green
A favorite place of mine...
Somehow...
I defeated a forest ghost
My best friend went away but it's all right...

Navi: [nods] Sing it, bro.

Link:
And I don't ever really understand all the things people say, but I try to anyway
Anyhow...

Just another day in me Hero Life.
Just another day in me He-ro Life.
Everything, everything, everything...

[Drum beats sound, and Link and Navi get really into the drama of the song, swaying back and forth, posing all over the place, and generally being musical.]

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link: [folds hands together]
Risking life everyday...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link: [shakes head sadly]
Always work, never play...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link: [looks melancholically off into the distance, towards the lake]
Just a lonely hero...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link: [looks triumphant]
Who must save the day.

[Continuing along the road, Link snaps his fingers rhythmically, continuing his song.]

Link:
Evil dragon, came to life
Temple with Gorons inside
I had to save them all and then I had to find another Sage, another friend of mine...
He was sent away...

Navi: [shakes her head] So sorry, bro...

Link:
I'm feelin' like I was born yesterday things were never this way when I was a kid at all...
But it's okay.

Just another day in me Hero Life.
Just another day in me He-ro Life.
Everything, everything, everything...

[Drum beats, Link does a dance routine through the chorus, accompanied by his little hand movement thingies from last time]

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Risking life everyday...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Always work, never play

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Just a lonely hero

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Who must save the... day...

[Electric guitar chords]

Link, Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO...
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO...
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO...

[The Chorus Singers line the road, pulling out lighters and waving them back and forth.]

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Risking life everyday...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Always work, never play

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Just a lonely hero

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Who must save the day...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Just a lonely hero

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link:
Who must save the day...

Navi, Chorus Singers:
WOHOOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOO...

Link: [drops to one knee, gazes off into the distance]
Risking life everyday...

[The song fades out, and Link continues looking melancholically off into the distance. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath.]

Navi: [fluttering about, as usual] Gee... poor Link. I didn't know you felt that way...

Link: Actually, it felt good to start out that way. [stands up, cracking his knuckles] 'Cuz now I've filled my contractual obligation to act like a real, mature hero for three pages per chapter.

Navi: ... [blankly] Meaning...?

Link: Now I get to whine and act immature and try to kill Ruto. [snickers maniacally]

Navi: [groans] DAMMIT, I thought you got that all out of your system in between chapters!

Link: [defiantly] NEVEEEER!

Navi: [sighs] But I hired special help for you and EVERYTHING!

Link: [shakes head] Now, no offense to Dr. Phil, he was a great help in getting out most of my psychological issues... [expression darkens] But I simply CANNOT forgive Ruto for this... this... um...

Navi: [suggesting] Unforgivable?

Link: THAT'S RIGHT! I cannot forgive this unforgivable offense! [blinks] ... Wait.

Navi: Link, have you stopped to think about what'll happen if Ruto is the Sage of Water?

Link: [smiles] She'll go away forever?

Navi: [glares at him] Until Hyrule is back to normal, yes.

Link: Oh, do the Goddesses really love me that much? [wrings hands together, stares up at the clouds] PLEASE, GOLDEN GODDESSES! SAY YOU LOVE ME THAT MUCH!

Golden Goddesses: [divine light shines as the clouds open, all three cough loudly]

Navi: Please, PLEASE, Link. Promise me that you won't attack Ruto when we see her...

Link: [shakes head] No promises. I cannot control what I do to her in the heat of passion.

Navi: [pauses for a moment] ... hee hee.

Link: [looks at her oddly] What?

Navi: Hee hee... you said...

Link: [panics] I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY! NOT THAT KIND OF PASSION YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!

[Link and Navi's arguing echoes across the lake, when suddenly, they both snap to attention as the lake comes into view. As we all know, it has been utterly drained of water.]

Link and Navi: HOOOOLY COW!

Sound FX: DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN!

Navi: Wh... what happened here?! The lake... it's nearly empty!

Link: [shakes his fist] THIS IS THE FAULT OF THOSE STUPID GIANTS FROM TERMINA, ISN'T IT?! COMING ONTO OUR SET AND DRINKING OUR SCENERY! THOSE BASTARDS!

Navi: This must be Ganondorf's doing. [sounds pissed] What a terrible man...

Link: HE told the Giants they could drink it!

Navi: Although, now that I look at it... [glances around the surface of the lake] It would make a pretty awesome skatepark now that it's all drained out.

Link: [rolls up his sleeves] Okay... are there any characters around here that we need to catch up with?

Navi: Nope. The author was too lazy and she just "long-story-shorted" them out.

Link: Eeeexcellent. Then... I assume that the doorway to the Water Temple is that large, ornately decorated arch at the bottom of the island.

[It is.]

Link: What a lame "secret" temple. I could have found that even if the lake was FULL.

Navi: [whistles] But getting there isn't going to be easy...

Link: Whaddya mean? [pulls the Iron Boots out of Hammerspace] We got the Iron Boots, remember?

Navi: Not that... check out the water around the door.

[Because the lake has been drained, the Lake Hylia fish population is experiencing a severe overcrowding problem, which centers around the door. At least 300 fish are jam-packed into the tiny amount of water, making a silver, tasty barrier around the door.]

Link: ... That's a lot of fish.

Navi: Ganondorf was too heartless to think of the environment!

Link: I bet they're all here because they heard Ruto was inside... [grumbles]

Navi: What's that supposed to mean?

Link: Hymie was... [sniffle] very popular... [sniffle] WITH EVERYBODY... [cries]

Navi: ... Liiiiink.

Link: WELL HE WAS! [blows his nose in his hands]

Navi: Enough about Hymie already. Now, THINK! How can we get those fish to disperse so we can get inside the Water Temple?

Link: I say we just jump in and push our way through.

Navi: [pokes him] Bad idea! Remember last time that we were here?

Link: ... Eeehh... [scratches his head] Refresh my memory.

Navi: A Zora ate me?

Link: No worries, Navi. Fish are way smarter than Zora. They can tell the difference between fairies and flies.

Navi: That wasn't very nice.

Link: Like I care. [pulls off his tunic to change]

[An extremely loud THUMP is heard as all female members of the audience faint.]

Navi: ... Oh BROTHER.

Link: [throws the Zora Tunic on over his bare, muscled, manly...

*THONK.*

[The author has had a nosebleed. The fan fiction is blank for a few moments, and then, groggily, words start to appear again. Anyway, Link gets dressed.]

Link: [points at the water] HERE I COME! [races off, making loud THUNK noises in the Iron Boots]

[Triumphant music plays as Link runs towards the water in the Iron Boots.]

Chorus Singers: [singing along to the triumphant music]
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...

[The music begins to slow, as does Link.]

Chorus Singers:
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...

[Soon he is gasping for air and clutching at his calf muscles in agony. Finally, he collapses.]

Link: [breathing heavily] OH... GODDESSES... IT'S... SO HARD... SO TIRED...

Navi: Bad news, Link-o.

Link: [gasping for air] WHAT... IS IT?

Navi: [points at the shoreline] You're only 20 feet away from the shoreline.

Link: [sits up, gazes back, realizes she's telling the truth] D'OH!

Navi: Uh oh. We're repeating jokes.

Link: Zzzzzz...

Navi: [slaps him on the butt] WAKE UP.

Link: [murmuring] MMM... HARDER, ZELDA...

Navi: [panics] OH MY GOD. WAKE UP, YOU SICK PERVERT!

Link: [wakes up] Hnnn... what did I say?

Navi: Something I won't repeat. And I thought, last update, you liked Saria.

Link: GROSS. Zelda's the only one for me.

Navi: [rolls eyes] COME ON, now, let's go to the temple!

[Link hoists himself off the ground and heads down towards the water, finally reaching the edge.]

Navi: [staring with disdain at all the fish] I... didn't know there were so many...

Link: Don't worry, Navi. I've got an idea on how to make you waterproof and fish proof.

Navi: ... I don't like the way you said that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK USED THE LAMINATOR OF TIME ON NAVI!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Navi: [shiny, wrapped tightly in plastic] ... I suppose I should be grateful.

Link: Yep. [dips his toe into the water, the fish scatter away] Okay... here goes nothing...

[Taking a deep breath, Link assumes the swan dive position and dives into the water with Navi close behind. He is in the water for about 4 seconds before suddenly, every fish in the lake turns belly-up and floats to the surface]

Link: [lands on the bottom with his Iron Boots, looks around in confusion] Navi... what happened?

Navi: [blinks] When was the last time you took a bath?

Link: ... Seven years ago.

Navi: 'Nuff said. At least this'll get you nice n' clean.

Link: Heeeyy... wait! [glares at the camera] HOW COME WE CAN TALK UNDERWATER!?

Navi: ... Good question. Maybe it's the Zora Tunic.

Link: I'll have to assume so. [snorts, pulls out his hookshot and hits the switch above the door, the one just beneath the carpet of unconscious fish] Hopefully we can still sing.

[The door creaks open eerily, and Link points inside]

Link: HOLD ON, RUTO, YOU SPASTIC PRINCESS! I'M COMING TO GET YOU!

(Scene: Inside the main room thingy of the Water Temple. Echoing, watery-sounding, music ripples [pun!] in the background, and Link gazes around the main room, quietly dipping his foot into the water)

Link: Jeez... that water looks deep...

Navi: Only three floors deep.

Link: Still DEEP. [glances around, frowning] Where oh where could that princess be...?

Navi: Let's make a note here and now that this is THE LAST time we will be hunting for Ruto in a dungeon.

Link: THAT'S RIGHT. [harumphs, stares around] I don't even know where to START looking!

Navi: Try getting in the water.

Link: [gasps, in a high-pitched voice] ARE YOU CRAZY?! You're not supposed to jump into water that you can't see the bottom of!

Navi: Who said THAT?

Link: [indignantly] MR. SAFETY TREE!

Navi: ... what?

Link: [proudly pulls down the edge of his tights to show off his Mr. Safety Tree boxer shorts] The most popular children's TV character in Kokiri Forest! I collect his toys!

Navi: ... Oh dear GOD. Just jump.

Link: No! [crosses his arms over his chest] Mr. Safety Tree said no! And so did... um... some other people! And you're just a fairy and you can't make me do it, either!

Navi: [points across the chamber quickly] LOOK, LINK! IT'S THE PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH!

Link: [snaps to attention] WHAT, WHERE?!

Navi: [shoves him roughly]

Link: [pitches into the water] AAAAAAAAGGGH-SPLASH!

[Sinking quickly, thanks to his Iron Boots, Link begins screaming and gesturing madly at Navi in his panic. He tries to swim back up, but cannot. He pantomimes someone strapping on a life vest, then breathing in and out, and then starts flailing wildly. By the time he reaches the bottom, he is lolling about in the water as though he has drowned.]

Navi: ... You have the Zora Tunic, Link. You can breathe underwater.

Link: ... [talks, bubbles come out] Oh yeah.

Navi: [chuckles] Dummy. [motions for him to come] Let's go find Ruto.

Link: Yess... let's...

[Link and Navi wander blankly around the bottom floor of the main room, finally finding a path leading off to the east. Link examines it carefully, then pulls out his Hookshot and follows the hallway carefully]

Navi: Now, remember, Link... The Hookshot is the only weapon that can work underwater, so you have to be extra careful not to get into any major trouble.

Link: What a stupid rule! Why doesn't the sword work?

Navi: ... I don't know. [thinks] If anything, I would imagine that the HOOKSHOT wouldn't work underwater.

Link: Eh, not to worry. Hopefully, all I'll run into is a couple of stupid little grunt monsters, nothing too terrible dangerous... I mean, it's the Water Temple. What kind of evil stuff lives in-

[They enter the room at the end of the underwater hallway, only to see the most frightening sight in the game aside from Darunia's dancing skills. A tall, skinny, shiny, absolutely NAKED full-grown and full-figured Zora woman stands at the far end of the room. Her head is swollen into an odd shape, her four malevolent eyes stare coldly at our hero, and her fins flap threateningly. Her eyes widen upon seeing our hero walk in.]

Ruto: [gasps] WAAH! WHO ARE YOU?! [points, with a trembling finger] YOU LOOK JUST LIKE...

[Music from the movie "Psycho"]

REEEN! REEEEEEN! REEEEEN! REEEEEEN!

Link: [eyes pop RIGHT out of his head, mouth opens wide, a thick spray of bubbles burst out of his mouth along with a soul-chilling scream] AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Navi: [stuttering] WUBBA... WUBBA... WUBBA...

Ruto: [gasps loud, yells in a squeaky voice] Link... AAAAWWMIGOD! Is that YOU!?

Link: [still screaming, clutching his hands to the side of his face, YANKING down, making his eye-bugging-out problem even worse] AAGH! OH... OHH GOD... MY EYES... MY GOD-FORSAKEN EYES! FOR THE LOVE OF DIN, MY EYES!

Ruto: [giggling happily, hopping up and down, making Link's visual scarring worse] AAHAHA! LINKY! LINKY-DARLING! Look how HOT you are! LOOK HOW BEAUTIFULLY YOUR GEEKY LITTLE BODY GREW UP!

Navi: [twitches] Ah... Ruto...

Link: AAAAAAAGGGGHHH! [falls down to his knees, slamming his face into the floor] AHHHH, GOD! NAYRU, SMITE ME NOW, MIGHTY SMITER! END MY SUFFERING! BURN OUT MY BLEEDING EYES, AAAGGGHHHH! WHYYY... WHYYYYY MUST THE FIRST NAKED GROWN WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN BE RUTO?! WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF FARORE, WHYYYYYYYYYY!?

Ruto: [places her hands on her hips] For goodness sakes, Linky-Poo, stop screaming! [scowls] You've got A LOT OF NERVE showing your face to me after you completely blow off our engagement for SEVEN YEARS!

Navi: That wasn't his fault, really, Ruto. And neither is the screaming.

Ruto: [sniffles] I was so lonely... SOO AFRAID! When Ganondorf took over, you weren't by my side to save me, Linky-darling-poopoo-face!

Link: [on the ground, huddled in a ball, slamming his head into the floor, clutching at his eyes and sobbing] AAAH... AHHHH GOD... WHY AM I TURNED ON BY RUTO?! WHY... DAMN MY TEENAGE HORMONES! DAMN THIS TEENAGE BODY! DAMN MY SOILED EYES, WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Ruto: [in full drama-queen mode] OH, LINK! I'VE MISSED YOU SO! I'm so ready to be married... SO READY FOR LOVE! So ready for you, Linky-diddums! It will be WONDERFUL! We'll have a beautiful blue wedding on the lake!

Navi: Is this really the time for that, Ruto?

Link: [dying of brain hemorrhage on the floor, Ruto doesn't seem to notice]

[Dreamy violin, bell and piano music starts up, and Ruto bursts into song, to the tune of "Last Christmas". Unfortunately, I don't know who does this song normally, my version is performed in Engrish by a Japanese woman from Sailor Moon o.o;; But it's a popular Christmas song, so people should be able to find it... I think. If you know who did it either way, please tell. ^.~]

Ruto: [singing cheerfully, as big pink bubbles shaped like hearts fill up the room and romantic lights flash]
Our laaaaast meeting
I gave you my sapphire
But the very next day...
You had gone away.
But Liiiinky
This time you won't flee!
Our wedding will be so special...

At our laaaaaast meeting
I gave you my heart
But you screamed and you ran...
As fast as you can. (Fast as you can!)
But noooo way
You can't get away!
Our wedding will be so special...

[The music continues as Ruto performs the monologue]

Ruto: [eyes get dreamy, she yammers on] Daddy and the other Zoras will line up across the water... our guests will go on as far as the eye can see! We'll say our vows on the island, then kiss to seal our love... And everyone will cheer!

[singing again]

Our first meeting...
I waaaaas shyyyyy.
I thought you were such
A stupid, jerky guy
[blows a kiss]
Tell me, baby...
Aren't I a beauty?

Link: [cuts in, still sobbing heavily]
I WISH...
SOMEBODY...
WOULD HURRY AND SHOOT ME...

[Navi zaps Link in the butt with what we assume is fairy pain-killing magic]

Ruto: [cuddles Link, whispers in his ear]
LINK, I LOVE YOU...
Though now my scales are shedding
Next month's the best time to have a wedding
I forgive you for how ruuude you've been...

Link: [reaches to Navi]
If you have any mercy, Navi
SHOOT ME AGAIN...

[Navi sympathetically does so.]

Ruto:
Our laaaaaast meeting
Didn't go too well
But I missed you so much...
I think you are swell.
Loooove me...
Love you, don't you see?
Our wedding will be so special...

Our laaaaaast meeting
I murdered your fish
Now a simple "I do"...
Is all that I wish. (All that I wish!)
Forgeeet him...
We'll call Pastor Jim
Our wedding will be so special...

[continues her dreamy monologue] Then we'll have the traditional tossing of the groom...

Navi: ... HUH?

Ruto: [giggles] When the Zora bride throws the groom into the water, of course! TEEHEE! [kneels down by Link, cuddles him as he slowly lapses into a coma] Then I'll come in after you, Linky-mushikins, and I'll lay my eggs all across Lake Hylia's shores!

Navi: [makes a disgusted face] WHAAT?!

Ruto: HEE HEE!
[continues the song]
The Evil King
Cannot darken my mood
He froze my city...
And he's OOONE nasty dude
OH LINK! You're the only
One I can rely on
Now... all I need is
A shoulder to cry on...

But when you didn't call me
It just tore up my heart
I wrote many letters
But I tore them apart...
TOOOOOORE ME APART!
Oooh-oohhh...

Link: [bursts in]
WAIT FOR ME, IN HEAVEN, HYMIE
SOON I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN...

Ruto:
Our laaast meeting
Bad, definitely
After all, my poopsie...
You tried to kill me. [giggles]
But this time...
I've paid for my crime
Our wedding will be so special...

Our laaaast meeting
You were at my throat
But now I've have got these! [gestures to her chest]

Link: [looks up, falls back over, choking on his tongue]

Navi: HANG ON, LINK! IT'S ALMOST OVER!

Ruto: [glares at them as she continues]
I don't like to gloat. (Don't like to gloat)
Swallow your pride!
And make me your bride!
Our wedding will be so special...

Link: HYMIE... HYMIE... [floating over the floor, twitching every so often]

Navi: [raises her hand] MEDIC! COME ON! WE NEED HIM UP AND AROUND BEFORE THE END OF THIS SONG!

Ruto:
But when you didn't call me
It just tore up my heart
I wrote many letters
But I tore them apart...
TOOOORE THEEEM APAAART!
But this time...
Our wedding will be so, our wedding will be so special...

[strokes Link's dead/dying body, adds one more monologue] Then, you'll... well... we won't go there. Teehee! And then everyone will eat the eggs we couldn't get to before you wore out, and...

Navi: [looks like she's going to vomit] Oh my GOD.

Ruto: [the song ends as Ruto counts on her fingers all the wonderful points of her and Link's imaginary wedding] And we'll dance together under the moonlit skies for seven days, until our eggs hatch, and then we take turns catching fish and puking them up for our darling babies! HEEHEE! [chatters on excitedly] I've thought of names for about 59 of them! There's Link Jr., then Link Jr. II, then Link Jr. III, then there's one named King, after Daddy, and one named Queen, after Mom... Then there's Biscuit, Twister, Sammy, Marmalade, Spot, Rover, Dave, Hamel, Raiel, Kelly, Max, Donald, Katie, Sora, Kairi, Riku, Auron, and Mackey... OOH, LINKY-SWEETUMS, I'M SO EXCITED!

Link: [is sitting up, sipping a beer slowly, while a medic pats him on the back]

Medic: You gonna be okay son?

Link: [takes a big swig, wipes a few tears away] If she stops talking about Zora sex... [sniffles]

Ruto: [snorts] Well, now that you're up and around, you'd better have a damn good excuse for why you abandoned me for seven years without so much as a note!

Navi: Ruto, Ganondorf took over the world!

Ruto: ... So?

Navi: And Link is the Hero of Time! Give the man a break!

Link: [now recovered, in no mood to play around with Ruto] I was asleep for SEVEN YEARS while you were screwing around planning our wedding that isn't EVER going to happen as long as I have a pulse!

Ruto: [gasps] You're the Hero of Time, DARLING?! [giggles spastically] Oooh GREAT! This is gonna be wonderful!

Link: [points at her] FORGET THE WEDDING! I WON'T MARRY YOU, EVER! EVEEEERR!

Ruto: Then why did you COME here if not to find me and marry me, Link-fuzzikins?

Link: [snarls] I CAME HERE TO AVENGE MY FISH!

Ruto: [gulps] Oh Link... NOT the fish again...

Link: AND I CAME HERE ON THE ORDERS OF SHEIK AND KING ZORA TO SAVE YOUR UGLY SLIMY ASS!

Ruto: [gasps] OH! That's RIGHT! It's funny you should come here as the Hero of Time, sweet darling... Because I need your help! SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED IN ZORA'S DOMAIN!

Link: ... [sighs] I KNOW.

Ruto: That jerk Ganondorf has turned Zora's Domain into a frozen WASTELAND! I got trapped under the ice with the others, but then a [eyes melt] DREAMY guy named Sheik saved me... And I came here to break the curse, but there's no way I can do it alone!

Link: [mumbles] Or at ALL.

Navi: [nudges him] Be nice.

Ruto: Linky-bobbidoodlefuzzyloveycheeks, will you please help me and defeat the evil monster in this temple?! Just like you did before, baby-poop?

Link: [sighs] On one condition.

Ruto: [squeals] ANYTHING, darling!

Link: FORGET THE WEDDING.

Ruto: [gasps] LINK! You know I can't do that! I gave you the Zora's Engagement Ring! The Zora's Sapphire! You agreed to take it! That means we have to get married!

Link: Ruto, babe, I USED you to get that stone. I only said I'd marry you so you'd give it to me!

Ruto: [gapes, looks oblivious still] Linky-farty-snarfy-warfy-bear... are you saying you don't love me?

Link: [explodes with fury] YES! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING! I DON'T LOVE YOU! I WON'T MARRY YOU! I'LL HELP YOU SAVE THE ZORAS AND AWAKEN THE WATER SAGE- who I HOPE is you, by the way- AND THAT'S ALL!

Ruto: ... [giggles] Linky-yummies, you're so silly.

Link: AAAGH! [falls to ground again]

Ruto: Well ANYWAY. [clears her throat] There are three places in this horrible, evil temple where you can change the water level. I'll show you the first one if you follow me now, Linky-baby-broccoli-head.

[Ruto jumps off of the ground and swims straight up the corridor.]

Ruto: [yelling down] DON'T STARE AT MY BUTT UNTIL OUR HONEYMOON, BABY!

Link: [throws up right there] AAGH... MY TUMMY...

Navi: [pats him on the shoulder] Just have patience, Link... You'll be all right.

[Link takes a deep "breath", and follows Ruto up the corridor. Strangely though, when he arrives at the top, she's nowhere to be found.]

Navi: Where on earth did Ruto go?

Link: [looks around hopefully] Maybe that big nasty monster ate her.

Navi: Link! That's a terrible thing to say!

Link: But isn't it true? [huffs, notices the Triforce on the wall] I take it that this is the place...

Navi: Play Zelda's Lullaby and see what happens.

Link: [he does]

Chorus Singers:
DOOO DOOO DOOOOO...
DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO...
WATER... GO... DOWN LOW...

[The water immediately drains out from the corridor, leaving Link and Navi somewhat stranded at the very top of the corridor. Link gazes down into the big, big, three-floor drop left behind and makes a face.]

Link: I think I'm starting to hate this temple.

[Groovy, oceany-sounding guitar melodies usher in the Water Temple song.]

Navi: [gestures to the side of the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, our guest musicians for this chapter, THE INDIGO-GOS!

[The Indigo-gos nod to Navi and continue their groove. Lulu is shaking a tambourine instead of singing, since this isn't her show. The main song is "Octopus's Garden" by The Beatles, but it also includes "Wipe Out" by some band I don't know (tell me if you do), and "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple.]

Link:
I'd like to go...
Anywhere, oh
But this crappy Water Temple, in the lake...

[They head into the room, where a good number of those creepy clam bitey-thingies are lurking. Link leaps backwards, pulling out his Hookshot and nailing a few of them as he sings]

Link:
The puzzles suck
But I'm out of luck.
In this nasty Water Temple, in the lake...

[He finishes killing the clams and raises his hands to sing]

Link and Navi:
WOULDN'T WISH ON...
MY EN-E-MYYYY
TO BE IN THIS HERE TEMPLE WITH ME!

Link: [heads back out, gazes down at the huge drop, and gulps as though he is doomed]
I'd like to go...
Anywhere, oh
But this sucky Water Temple, in the lake.

[gulps, and speaks] Ready, Navi?

Navi: Might as well be.

Link: GERONIMOOOOOO! [leaps down the drop] AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH-SPLAT!

[We here a tremendous cracking noise, and Link screaming bloody murder]

Link: MY LEG! AGGH! MY LEG!

Navi: [bursts into "Smoke on the Water"]
BLOOOOOOD ON THE WATER!

Link:
I THINK I'M GONNA DIE!

Navi:
BLOOOOOOD ON THE WATER!

[They both pause, and point off to the center structure, where the Indigo-gos have relocated themselves. Japas jams out the melody.]

Japas: [on his bass]
BUM BUM BUM.
BUM BUM BA-DUM.
BUM BUM BUM. BUM BUM.

["Octopus's Garden"]

Link:
The water's cold. [shivers]

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
OOOOOH.

Link:
It gets real old...

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
OOOOOH.

Link:
Have to change the water level all the time.

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
AAAAA-AAAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAA-AA-AAAAA!

Navi:
The programmer

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOH.

Navi:
Who made this er

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
OOOOOOH.

Navi:
Needs to be beat with a stick for this bad crime.

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
AAAAA-AAAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAA-AA-AAAAA!

[Link and Navi have somehow found their way all the way to the underwater room where all the shell things and spikes drop in on you when you hit the switch.]

Link:
WE WOULD SING AND DANCE AROOOO-OOOUND.
IF THE CURSE SOURCE COULD BE FOUND.

Link, Navi, Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
WE'D LIKE TO GO.
ANYWHERE, OH
BUT THIS AWFUL WATER TEMPLE, IN THE LAKE.

[The music changes quickly to "Wipe Out", and for the sake of preventing boredom (both yours and the author's), Link and Navi rapidly speed through the temple, solving evilly difficult puzzles, ripping their hair out when they find doors that they can't reach while the water level is down, killing random monsters in very cool and bloody ways, and finally reaching the central room and the second place to change the water level.]

Link: AT LAST! [plays Zelda's Lullaby to the Triforce, the Water Level raises to the middle]

Navi: Say... now that you did that, we can finally reach that door off to the west that we couldn't before!

Link: Hey, yeah! [speeds off, and arrives at the door] Wow, that was fast!

Navi: Okay, it's locked... got a small key?

Link: ...

Navi: ... Please say you have a small key.

Link: [twitches]

Navi: Oh JEEZ.

Link: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Navi: [sighs, and inserts earplugs]

Link: [kicks the door violently, squealing, flailing, slamming his face into it, etc, etc...] DAMN STUPID DOOR! DAMN, STUPID KEY! DAMN STUPID TEMPLE WITH YOUR DAMN STUPID DOOR AND YOUR DAMN STUPID KEY! FUTHERMUCKING BASTARD PROGRAMMER I'LL KEEEEEL YOU!!!

Navi: [gazes at her watch]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK HAD A BRIEF PSYCHOTIC EPISODE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: [severely flustered, red-faced, sweating, ranting] ... AND IT SMELLS FUNNY TOO! [takes a deep breath and shoves his hands in his pockets] Oh wait. Here's the key.

Navi: [drops to the ground] WHAT?

Link: Hee hee. Silly me. [giggles, opens the door]

Navi: ... BLATANT attempt at adding filler.

["Octopus's Garden" starts up again, but this time it's the instrumental. The Indigo-gos and all of the Chorus Singers take big drinks of water and gargle the melody.]

Link: [dances groovily through whatever part of the temple was here and finds the third water-level thing]

Navi: Oh, good! Here's the last one! Hurry and raise the water level, so we can find the treasure and kill the boss and get the HELL out of here.

Link: [plays "Zelda's Lullaby", which directly clashes with the music]

[The water level reaches the top.]

Link: [leaps into the water and starts a synchronized swimming routine with the various water monsters lurking around]
We would shout...
And swim about...
If only this temple didn't suck.

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
YEAH, THIS TEMPLE REALLY SUCKS...

Navi: [joins him, above the water]
Simple to face...
I hate this stupid place...
No chance for us to be happy or safe

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
HAPPY AND THEY'RE SAAAFE...

[Our heroes leap into the room with the big waterfall and moving platforms going down it, which is a very good spot for a musical number. They throw up their hands and sing]

Link and Navi:
WE WOULD BEEEE... SO HAPPY, YOU AND ME!
IF WE HAD A GUIDE TO TELL US WHAT TO DO!

We'd like to go-

Indigo-gos and Chorus Singers:
AAAAAAHHHH...

Link and Navi:
ANYWHERE, OH
BUT THIS EVIL WATER TEMPLE, WITH YOU!
BUT THIS EVIL WATER TEMPLE, WITH YOU!
BUT THIS EVIL WATER TEMPLE, WITH YOU!

[Scaling up the other sides as theatrical water effects entertain our simple minds, the Indigo-gos play an extended instrumental for a long time while Link and Navi continue on a finally reach a rather ominous room with a large tree in the middle of a misty, lake-looking thing.]

Link: [gazes around suspiciously] What's this place, Navi?

Navi: [pauses] I... I don't know... But I feel something really terrible in this room...

Link: Ruto?!

Navi: No. I mean like, actually terrible. Like A MONSTER!

Link: [grips his sword handle nervously] The source of the curse?

Navi: I don't know... I guess we'll see. But keep your eyes open, and be careful!

Link: [nods, as he passes the tree] Right.

[They continue walking and finally reach the door at the other side. Which is locked.]

Link: AGH! This is luck, ain't it?! How will we get in there now?

Navi: [freezes] L-Link...

Link: What?

Navi: [shivering with fear, points at the tree] There's... there's something there!

Link: The monster?!

Navi: [hides in his hat] SOMETHING TRULY TERRIBLE AND DARK!

Link: [cocks his head, his eyes narrow, clenching his sword and gesturing at the tree with it] All right... WHAT ARE YOU?! SHOW YOURSELF! I, the Hero of Time, am your opponent!

Ominous Yet Familiar Voice: And you are your opponent as well...

Link: [gasps at the familiar voice] What... who are you?

[Truly dramatic music rumbles through the room as a dark, shadowy figure steps out. We of course, know that it's DARK LINK!]

Link: [gasps in terror] WH... WHAT?!

Navi: OH MY GOD! IT'S MORE TERRIBLE THAN I THOUGHT! THERE ARE TWO OF YOU, LINK!

Link: That ain't nice, Navi. AHEM! [clenches his sword, glares at the shadow] WHO ARE YOU?! WHO?!

Dark Link/Knil: [chuckles darkly] I am Dark Link. But you can call me Knil.

Link: ... Knil?

Knil: That's Link backward, dumbass. I am the evil incarnation of you. A clone, if you will.

Link: You're a clone of ME?! I thought you looked witty and charming... [eyes narrow into slits] There's only room for one witty and charming hero here!

Knil: I was created by Ganondorf to destroy you... [wields his own evil Master Sword, as some dramatic opera plays in the background] I am your equal in every way.

Link: You're as good at fighting as I am?

Knil: Yes...

Link: [takes a step backwards] Y-you're as handsome as I am?!

Knil: Isn't it obvious? [his eyes glitter with evident bishonen-ness, and no one can argue that he is indeed handsome for an evil shadow]

Link: And you... you're as well rounded, charming, and comical as me?!

Knil: [snorts] Actually, I'm smarter than you are. Rather than making a fool out of myself for the enjoyment of a million people on the Internet, I spend my time here, writing soliloquies and sonnets and angsting about how I can never be the light side of our little pair...

Navi: [eyes are big hearts] Well, he was right about the charming thing.

[Link elbows her sharply, and points his sword right at Dark Link]

Link: [very pissed off] HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE?! AND MY POETRY IS DAMN GOOD! BETTER THAN YOURS!

Knil: [pulls out a slip of paper from his pocket and clears his throat] Ahem. [reads, accompanied by bongo drums]
"See spot run on the hill of life.
Spot runs fast over the broadening valleys of existence.
Run Spot, run. LIVE."

Link: [blinks] ...

Navi: Hey, his IS better than yours is, Link.

Link: Ch... SHUT UP, NAVI!

Knil: Thank you, Fairy.

Navi: [raises hand] One question though! Where'd you get the bongo drums?

Knil: Courtesy of MY fairy. Come, Ivan.

[A small, black, very sinister-looking version of Navi flies out of Dark Link's hat.]

Navi: [eyes bug out] IVAN?

Ivan: It's Navi backward, dumbass. [sticks her tongue out]

Navi: [vein pops over her forehead] THAT'S IT! LINK, LET'S TOAST THESE POSERS!

Link: I was hoping you'd say that! [leaps at Dark Link]

[Knil leaps backward to avoid the strike. Ivan knocks him in the forehead and points, as Link prepares to leap at Dark Link again.]

Ivan: KNIL! YOU GONNA TAKE THAT CRAP FROM THESE SISSIES?!

Knil: NEVEEEER!

[A tremendous explosion of orchestra music decorates the soundtrack as the duel song begins! It's "Duel" by Bond (awesome, AWESOME string quartet!). For the first time ever, I am taking a song that DOESN'T HAVE WORDS and putting words in it! REVEL IN THE HISTORY, PEOPLE!]

[A pounding rhythm of cellos and violins. The Chorus Singers cut in with opera singing.]

Chorus Singers:
DOO. DOO DOODOO DOOT.
DOO. DOO DOODOO DOOT.

Link: [sings along with the violin solo part #1]
I never thought I-
WOULD EVER SEE.
A monster who's mo-
-DLED AFTER ME!
But now I don't have a choice!
I have got to raise my voice!
And fight...

[Link and Knil engage in very exciting swordplay, choreographed by a panel of expert Hollywood fight coordinators, none of whom realize that I am making you visualize their work rather than writing out my own. Navi and Ivan fly around screaming at each other.]

Chorus Singers:
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.

Knil: [sings in a surprisingly nice voice]
I was born to kill, to kill
Born only to kill...
Born only to slay...

Link:
That I won't allow! Allow!
And I was here first
Here first anyway!

Knil:
Oh who gives a damn?
Good guys will lose anyway!

Link:
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN!

Knil:
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO!

Link:
No, I won't let Ganon win!
I will not screw up again!
I will free the Water Sage so that I can avenge my friend... Hymie-oh

Knil: [at the same time as Link's last solo]
What 'ya fighting for?
What 'ya fighting for?
I was made to kill you so I won't stop until you are dead...

Link:
I DON'T LIKE YOU.

Knil: I don't like-

Link:
You can never understand
How it feels to be...

Knil:
Stuck here with this tree...

Link:
You don't have to be!

Knil:
You can never understand
How it feels to be...

Link:
Contended and free...

Knil:
THAT CAN NEVER BE!
I MUST FULFILL MY MEANING!

Link:
Is that just to kill?

Knil:
That's why I was made!

Link:
What a bloody shame!
There is so much stuff you'd know
If you'd ditch that evil glow
And went out this temple to the world with your face for to show...

[Instrumental, as the two Links still fight. Both Navis are trying to tear each other into pieces, and we'll catch up with their part in a moment.]

(A/N: I hope you're all happy. This song is a BITCH to write words to. T.T)

Navi:
I will never let him lose this fight!
We're the only ones to make it right!

Ivan:
Your boy will be a pleasure for to smite!
With all your useless ranting about light!

Chorus Singers:
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.

Navi: [takes a deeeeeeeep breath, bursts out into a crazy singing spree to the second violin part]
THE DEKU TREE TOLD ME TO WATCH THIS BOY AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY ANNOY I PROMISED HIM THAT I WOULD TRY TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE LITTLE GUY AND HE'S MY FRIEND THROUGH THICK AND THIN BECAUSE OF THAT YOU'LL NEVER WIN AND JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE EVIL DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD CRUSH MY SKULL AND SO WE'LL ALWAYS STAND OUR GROUND SOON YOU'LL NO LONGER BE AROUND AND LIGHT WILL ALWAYS CONQUER DARK NOW WATCH OUT THIS MAY LEAVE A MARK WHEN I SING SO FAST YOUR EARDRUMS POP AND YOUR BRAIN FLOWS RIGHT OUT YOUR EARS!

Ivan: [as Navi's singing]
Whoa there...
Slow down...
That must...
Be painful... [eyebrows raise]
How can...
You sing...
This fast...
OH YEAH?!

[she bursts out singing just as fast as Navi was]

WELL JUST BECAUSE WE'RE DARK AND BAD DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T BE SAD AND IT'S SO TRAGIC, YES INDEED, THIS POOR STORY OF KNIL AND ME AND WE WERE MADE JUST TO STOP YOU SHORT, YOUR GOOD-GUY PLANS WILL BE ABORTED AND GANONDORF DON'T LIKE YOU AROUND ALL THE TIME AND SO TO SATISFY HIS CRIME WE'RE STUCK IN HERE NOW DOING TIME BUT IF WE KILL YOU THEN OUR TASK WILL BE OVER AND WE CAN ASK OUR BOSS IF WE CAN GO ON VACATION TO MAUI TO PICK UP SOME LEIS AND STUFF!

Navi: [singing as Ivan does]
Oh dear...
Did I...
Go that...
Fast when I...
Sang then...
How awful...
Let's calm...
ALL RIGHT THEN!

[Both fairies gasp for breath and fall over]

Ivan: [panting]
ENOUGH!

Navi: [gasping for breath]
This is getting pretty rough.

[Back with our real hero, Link is getting some damage in on Dark Link. And they are still singing. And we'll catch up with them as soon as the author takes a deep breath and rests for a moment after all that songwriting... Okay, much better.]

Link:
I was born to save, to save
Born only to save...
Born to rescue folks...

Knil:
What a freaking joke!
You couldn't save your
Way out of a bag. A wet paper bag

Link:
TAKE THAT BACK OR ELSE!
Bad guys never win the day!

Knil:
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link:
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO!

Knil:
Oh I must fulfill my life
Though I'll never have a wife
I have only one purpose and that's to kill you, I won't fail

Link: [at the same time as Link's last solo]
What 'ya fighting for?
What 'ya fighting for?
I will save the save and so I will not stop til' you are dead

Chorus Singers:
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.
EEEEEEEEEYYOOOOO.

[Mercifully, the author puts an instrumental here. She is losing her sanity as she types. This is very, very hard. More very cool battles go here.]

Link, Navi, Knil, Ivan:
LINK VERSUS DARK LINK!
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH...

Link: [stops attacking Knil with his sword, reaches into his bag]
The author's going to lose her mind!
If I don't kill you within a little time
So I'm sick of playing nice...
Time for me to roll the dice
And SCORE!

[He pulls out the Megaton Hammer, and starts bashing poor Dark Link into an oblivion.]

Knil:
EEEEEYYYOWWW!
EEEEEEYYOWWW!
EEEEEYYYOWWW!
EEEEEEYOOWWW!

[HE kicks into high gear now.]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT'S NOT THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT NOW IF YOU DO NOT DO IT RIGHT WE'LL NEVER SEE WHICH LINK IS BEST AND I WILL NEVER GET TO REST KNOWING THAT I WAS KILLED BY CHEESE NOW STOP THE HAMMERING, OH PLEASE IT MAKES ME LOOK SO VERY BAD I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYMORE SAD SO STOP THE HAMMERING BEFORE I GET MORE MAD YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME NOW DO IT BEFORE I GET PISSED AND KICK YOU IN THE FACE!

Chorus Singers:
AIEEEEEEEEEEE!
AIEEEEEEOOOOO!
AIEEEEEEE!
AIEEEEEAAIIIIIEEE!
AIIEEEAIEEEE!
AIEEEEAAAIEEEEE!

Link: [also into high gear by now]
I AM SICK OF STUPID JERKS LIKE YOU PUTTING ME OUT OF WORK AND WHINING WHINING ALL THE TIME HOW BEING BORN'S YOUR ONLY CRIME AND HOW YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BAD THAT KIND OF CRAP JUST MAKES ME MAD, SEE I'M THE STAR AND I'M THE POINT YOU'RE UNIMPORTANT IN THIS JOINT YOU'LL DOCK MY SALARY, YOU ASS SO NOW I SMASH YOU IN THE GRASS NOW KNOCK OFF ALL THE ANGSTY EVIL VILLAIN CRAP BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR PUNY HIDE!

Knil: [singing]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Link:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Soundtrack:
BOOM!

[... OH SWEET LORD REMIND ME NEVER TO DO THAT EVER AGAIN! THAT WAS FREAKING HARD! Anyway, Link smashes Dark Link one more time and, he begins to fade away]

Knil and Ivan: AAAGGGH! [the magic villain fire begins to whisk them away]

Link: [shuffles the hammer in his hands] I really didn't want to do that, you guys! But you left me no choice!

Knil: I... I...

Link: There's only room for ONE sexy man with a sword in this game!

Knil: I only... [melancholically gazes up at the sky] I only wanted to be loved...

Navi: [sniffles] I'm sorry we couldn't work it out, Ivan, Knil.

Ivan: [also fading] I...

[A siren interrupts their plotting. An ambulance pulls into the room and two men hop out, leaping down, using a fire extinguisher on the fire, and pushing Knil and Ivan onto stretchers.]

Link: ... What... is going on?

Knil: Aren't I supposed to be dying?

Medic #1: No. You have been endeared to all the angst writers.

Medic #2: You are going to spend the rest of your days in the "Hyrule Happy Acres Home For Angsty Villains".

Navi: Oh that's good news!

Ivan: ... WHY?!

Medic #1: The author wasn't going to put you in a smashing-fantastically hard musical number like the last one and just do away with you.

Medic #2: Plus, she's a Dark Link and Malon shipper.

Knil: ... Malon, eh?

Link: [gasps] SHE'S MINE!

Navi: I thought you liked ZELDA!

Link: THAT stupid ditz? FUH!

Navi: [slaps her forehead]

Knil: Um... so... see you, I guess. No hard feelings.

[The medics push Dark Link and Dark Navi into the ambulance and drive away to the greener pastures of the HHAFAV.]

[The mist and the tree fade away and the room begins to look like the rest of the temple. Link gazes around, and Navi notices that the door at the far end has been unlocked.]

Link: ... That was moronic.

Navi: Quite. Let's... just keep moving, shall we?

Link: I'm so sick of this temple I could hurl. Again.

Navi: Chorus Singers... please?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK GOT THE LONGSHOT AND THEY FINALLY MADE IT TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOSS ROOM BECAUSE GG IS GOING TO MURDER THE PROGRAMMER OF THIS LONG, EVIL TEMPLE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Outside the Boss room. FINALLY.)

Link: [wipes sweat off of his forehead] PHEW! I'm glad we finally made it to the boss room!

Navi: Yeah! That took forever!

Link: [pulls out the boss key and slips it into the lock] All right... here we go... The source of the curse is behind this door... If I can successfully defeat it, I WILL FORCE RUTO OUT OF HYRULE FOREVER!

Navi: That's really all you care about, isn't it?

Link: Absolutely.

Navi: Well, for your own sake, I really, really hope that she's the Sage. If she's not, someone is going to die.

Link: Her, probably.

[They step inside the room, a wide, spike-lined one with a deep pool of water in the middle. Several islands separate the water, and Link hops out to the middle of one of the platforms and looks around.]

Link: I don't see any curse...

Ruto: [from somewhere we can't see] LINK!

Link: GWAAAAAH! [leaps six feet in the air] WHERE IS SHE?! SHE'S COMING TO GET ME!!!

Ruto: NO, YOU IDIOT! THAT'S NOT NORMAL WATER DOWN THERE!

Link: Eh?! [glances down at the water] What's up with it, Navi?!

Navi: [blinks in disbelief] This can't be right... Something tells me that the water is the curse!

Link: ... Okaaaaayyy.

Navi: It's like... something is in the water that...

[At that instance, a large squishy tentacle of water attacks from behind Link and Navi. It picks them up, flinging them against the wall and onto the floor, where they are dizzy]

Navi: OW!

Link: WAAAGGH! IT'S A HENTAI TENTACLE!

Navi: OH GROSS! EVEN WORSE! IT'S...


MORPHA: Gigantic Aquatic Amoeba


Link: ... That's the stupidest boss I've EVER seen.

Morpha: [bubbles in all its... amoebic glory, squiggling and squirming with its nucleus sticking out like a pink, gummy sore thumb]

Navi: ... You're right.

Link: [pulls out his longshot, brushes it off] I feel a song coming on.

Navi: Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, THE INDIGO-GOS!

[The Indigo-gos pop up in the corner, and begin playing "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi, with rocking guitars and such! Link circles around the room, carefully avoiding the squirming amoeba, which is spreading across the platforms and preparing its attack.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
This Boss is like STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

Navi: [unnaturally low voice]
STRAWBERRY JAM.

[Morpha lashes out a few tentacles to grab our hero. He gracefully slides out of the way, and steps on one of them. Morpha squeals and jiggles around, as Link takes careful aim with the longshot]

Link:
IIII've got a rumble in my tummy, hurts a bunch
And it'll take more than a Ding-Dong to help, cause I'm hung-a-ry
I don't ever get a chance to eat a little lunch
And it'll take more than snack to get this feeling outta me!
And I got all the motions down, like 1-2-3! [fires the longshot] WHEE!

[The Longshot strikes Morpha's nucleus and rips it out of the main body, dragging it over to Link, who starts stomping and slashing it with his sword as hard as he can]

Navi and Chorus Singers:
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING LIKE FOOD!

Link: [mouth waters as little bits of amoeba squirt all over him]
Waiter, check please!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
YOU'RE SUCH A CURSE, THOUGH YOU'RE JUST AN AMOEBA!

[The nucleus, tired of taking a beating, squirms back to the main body, leaving little bits of Morpha jelly all over. As Morpha prepares itself for another attack, Link curiously scoops up a bit of the amoeba and takes a little taste]

Link: [eyes widen]
It tastes like sweet cream cheese!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING LIKE FOOD!

Morpha: [grabs Link in a tentacle and lifts him up into the air, squeezing hard]

Link: [suddenly in a very high voice]
AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE SORTA TOUGH.
Whoa-oh-oh!

[Link takes a large bite out of Morpha. (??) Morpha squeals in agony and pitches him across the room, where he lands flat on his face before leaping up to sing the chorus.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
THIS BOSS IS LIKE STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

Navi and Indigo-gos:
STRAWWWWWWBERRY JAM.

Link:
IIII don't need advanced weapons to deal with this fiend
I don't need a big bazooka or a tank that's army green!
All I need's a longshot- Plus a hefty appetite!
Cause he tastes like chunky salsa with a hint of vegemite!
THERE'S NO IRON CHEF WHO COULDN'T DEAL WITH THIS ATTACK! [rips out the nucleus, stabs it a few times, more tasty Morpha gel is left behind] YAY!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR FREEZING SOME FISH!

Link: [pulls out a straw and eats Morpha gel off the floor]
Spicy meat-a-ball!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
YOU'RE SUCH A CURSE, THOUGH YOU'RE JUST AN AMOEBA!

Link:
He ain't scary at all!

Navi and Chorus Singers:
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR FREEZING SOME FISH!

Link: [pulls out the Tabasco sauce of time and dumps it on the tentacle that has come that close to grabbing him]
AND LET'S SEE HOW YOU TASTE WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT O' KICK!
Whoa-oh-oh!

[An elaborate dance scene/fight ensues, with Link pulling off Morpha's nucleus and beating it down, and Morpha being eaten every so often. Do NOT ask me about the eating Morpha thing... I just pulled it out of my butt.]

Link and Chorus Singers:
THIS BOSS IS LIKE STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

Navi and Link:
STRAAAAAAAWWWBERRY JAM!

Link: That's what I want!

Navi and Link:
STRAAAAAAWWWWBERRY JAM!

Link: That's what I need! HIT IT!

[Mikau slides out on his knees from the corner and plays a wild guitar solo, as Link hurls himself upon Morpha and begins beating the snot out of him]

Link: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!
[singing]
I need an after-dinner mint, I'm running out of room
And I apologize for wasting some, I get full all too soon
I'd love to stick around for some coffee and dessert
But I got to quickly kill ya- My tummy sort of hurts. WHOA-OH-OH!

Link, Navi and Chorus Singers:
THIS BOSS IS LIKE STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

THIS BOSS! STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

Navi:
STRAAAAWWWWWWBERRY JAM!

Link: That's what I want!

Navi:
STRAAAAAWWWWBERRY JAM!

Link: That's what I need!

Navi:
STRAAAAAAAWWWWWWBERRY JAM!

Link: [still stabbing Morpha like a homicidal maniac]
YAAGH! WAAGGH! DIE! DIE! DIE!
WHOA! WHOA THERE!
WAIT A MINUTE...
I GOTTA... I GOTTA...
[rips a chunk off and licks it, makes a blissful face as he holds Morpha down with one foot]
Oh... OH FARORE... THAT'S TASTY.
[looks back to Morpha]
I'm not done. ONE MORE TIME!
WITH FEELING!

Link and Chorus Singers:
THIS BOSS IS LIKE STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!
THIS BOSS! LIKE STRAWBERRY JAM!
STRAWBERRY JAM is what I eat! Whoa-oh-oh!
Mash it up, just like STRAWBERRY JAM!
This loser is goin' to go down with ease!

[With a... Amoebas really don't make any noises, do they? Ugh... well, just make up a noise for Morpha to make when he dies. He makes that noise, and squiggles up to the ceiling, suddenly crashing down with one last big splash and vanishing.]

Morpha: UWAAGGGH!!! [vanishes off to amoeba heaven]

Link: HA! [points at where Morpha landed] TAKE THAT YOU TASTY VILLAIN!

Navi: [flutters around happily] YAY! THE CURSE IS BROKEN! And the Water Sage should be awake! AND WE CAN FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS DAMN TEMPLE! [she dances about] Isn't that great, Link?!

[No answer.]

Navi: ... Link?

Link: [busy licking remnants of Morpha off of the side of the water pool] OH DAMN THAT'S GOOD... It like, changes flavors! Now it tastes like root beer! YUMMY! THIS PART TASTES LIKE LEMON!

Navi: [sweatdrop] ... Link. Let's go.

Link: [joyfully] Okay! [skips off towards the warp portal]
[singing, to "The Wizard of Oz"]
WEEEEEEEEE'RE OFF TO MEET THE SAGES!
THE WONDERFUL SAGES OF STUFF!
I HOPE RUTO IS ONE OF THEM
IF NOT THAT WOULD BE REALLY ROUGH!

Navi: [adds, wisely]
If ever oh ever a Sage there was
Then Ruto is probably one because

Link and Navi:
BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAAAAAAAUSE!
BECAUSE OF THE ANNOYING THINGS SHE DOES!
WE'RE OFF TO MEET THE SAGES!
THE WONDERFUL SAGES OF STUFF!

(Scene: The Chamber of Sages. As Link and Navi descend to their said spot, we can hear voices in the background.)

Rauru, Saria, Darunia, Ancient Sages:
HERO MAN... HALF-FINISHED
BUT THE IMPORTANCE... HASN'T... DIMISHED
FIND TWO MORE... THEN WE'LL GET GANON OUT OF THIS LAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAAAAND.
YOU'VE DONE WELL... IT'S CONFIRMED
AND WE HOPE... YOU HAVE LEARNED...
THAT WE ALL... NEED YOU TO KEEP MAKING A STAAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAAAND.

[As Link lands, the Water Seal begins to glow. His eyes grow wide, and he crosses his fingers.]

Link: Any second now...

Navi: [knowing that Link is going to murder the Sage if it's not Ruto] ...

[And lo and behold, Ruto rises into the chamber, her eyes welling up with soft tears]

~~~~ THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS NOT BEEN NOMINATED FOR A TONY AWARD BECAUSE OF ONE CHARACTER'S DRAMA AND THE OTHER'S SHEER BLISS AT HER DEPARTURE. PLEASE ENJOY. THANK YOU.~~~~

Ruto: L-Link...

Link: [pauses] Ruto... you're... the Sage of Water...

Ruto: [sniffles] I know! L-Link... I'm... I'm s-sorry, but it looks like... I won't be able to marry you anymore...

Link: [face frozen]

Ruto: [clutches her heart] Oh Link, all I want to say is that it's finally time for me to be your bride! But now... I can't... We're supposed to work together as the Sage of Water and the Hero of Time! We can't hold a relationship through all this terrible turmoil! It would never work! So... I'm sorry... Link... my darling shmoopy-poopy-heeny-weeny-baby-booby-baba.

Link: [is silent for a moment, then bursts into rapturous tears] OH GOD! GODDESSES! WHOEVER IS UP THERE! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! [Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" plays, and he drops to his knees] WHATEVER SACRED, BEAUTIFUL DEITY IS UP THERE WATCHING OVER ME, THANK YOU! THOU HAST DELIVERED ME FROM THE CLUTCHES OF DEPRAVITY, THE COLD, CLAMMY FINGERS OF THE ETERNAL DARKNESS ENCOMPASSED IN THE BODY OF THAT MUTANT FISH GIRL! THANK YOU! I SWEAR MY LIFE INTO YOUR SERVICE, OH MASTER, OH SAVIOR! YOU ARE MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL FOLLOW YOU! YEA, I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH BUT I FEAR NO EVIL! THY ROD AND THY STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME! I'LL USE THEM TO KICK THE LIVING POOP OUT OF ANY DEMON YOU ASK ME TO! JUST THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Navi: [raises eyebrows]

Ruto: [oblivious] I know Link! Go ahead and cry! I'm crying too... inside... and out... [cries]

Link: [sobbing for joy] OHHH, I'M SOOO HAPPY! [throws himself at Ruto and gives her a big hug] OHHH, I'M SO BLESSED! PRAISE BE TO GOD, DIN, FARORE, NAYRU, BUDDHA, THE GREEKS, THE ROMANS, THE EGYPTIANS, THE HINDU, AND ANY LACK OF THEM THEREOF!

Navi: Way to be politically correct with the religious deities, Link.

Ruto: I'LL STILL DREAM OF OUR WEDDING, MUSHIBEAR! [cries into his shoulder]

Link: AND I FORGIVE YOU, RUTO! I'M IN SUCH A JOYOUS, HAPPY MOOD THAT I'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR EATING HYMIE!

Ruto: [gasps] REALLY?!

Link: YES!

Both: [sobbing heavily, clutching onto each other]

Navi: [watches, absolutely clueless] Riiiight.

Ruto: [backs away from him, raises her arms] I GIVE YOU MY MEDALLION AS A TOKEN OF MY ETERNAL LOVE FOR YOU, LINKY-DIDDUMS!

Link: THANK YOU! I'M SO HAPPY I MIGHT NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!

[The shiny blue Water Medallion falls from the ceiling and Link catches it. He holds it up and the Chorus Singers take over.]

Chorus Singers:
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S...
A CRAZY ZORA KING'S DAUGHTER!
TURNS OUT, RUTO...
IS THE GREAT SAGE OF WATER!
AND NOW...
SHE ADDS... HER... POWER... TO YOURS!
YAY!

[Dramatic music strikes up and Link and Ruto sing a duet as the warp portal reappears to take Link back to Hyrule.]

Ruto:
Darling...
Even though you once hated me...
I can tell you that I have never had anything but love for you!

Link:
Princess...
I still hate you though, can't you see?
And though I forgive you, I must admit I'll miss your psycho ways... Kinda.

Ruto:
I'll stay here and guard the temple...
How could I think that this would be simple?
To just uproot myself and leave you there, behind...

Link:
And I will fight on with your strength...
I will go to absolutely any length
To save the world... even though you are our of your mind.

Ruto and Link:
AND SOO... IT'S TIME... TO SAY... TA-TA...

Ruto:
Too bad... I can't... show you... my bra...

Ruto and Link:
BUT I AM SURE WE'LL MEET AGAIN SOMEDAAAAAY!

Link: [closes it out]
If I can stop myself from killing you then... I cannot say.

[Link and Navi are whisked up in the warp portal, and Ruto waves goodbye spastically]

Ruto: GOODBYE, MY DARLING! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [crickets and thunder] But... er... [mischievously] TELL SHEIK THANK YOU! AND THAT I'LL CALL HIM!

~~~~~~~~ END OF NOT TONY-AWARD WINNING SCENE~~~~~~~

(Scene: The island in the middle of Lake Hylia. Sheik stands, gazing off into the distance, as water refills the lake.)

Sheik: The pure waters of Lake Hylia return... as hope returns to Hyrule. Link, you've done it...

[The warp portal appears over the little plaque-y thing, and Link goes plummeting down to the ground. He is magically in his green tunic again, cause I said so!]

SPLAT!

Link and Navi: OWIE!

Sheik: ... Link, very good job. You saved Ruto and restored the Water Temple.

Link: [rubbing his butt as he stands up] Yur, I did, didn't I? [smirks]

Navi: Ruto says "thank you". And she'll "call you".

Sheik: [blushes under his hood] Ah. I see... We have to save Hyrule for her sake, just like everyone else... don't we?

Link: I suppose... [walks over and joins Sheik at the side of the island, gazing out across the water]

Sheik: Beautiful, isn't it?

Link: ... Yes... [sighs, kicks the bank] It's funny, though... The lake is full again, and Ruto is gone... so why do I feel so empty?

Sheik: Empty?

Navi: Is it maybe because you still are carrying a grudge?

Link: ... [sighs] Hymie...

Sheik: Hymie?

Navi: DON'T ask.

Sheik: ... I see.

Link: [gazes across the horizon] My revenge has been paid to your murderer, Hymie... now... I guess... all that's left to do is to finally put your memory to rest in my mind. That way... I can move on. Maybe get another pet fish.

Navi: That's a good idea Link.

Link: [nods]

[Very dramatic organ music plays in the background as Link prepares one final tribute to our little fishy friend. It's "Who Wants To Live Forever?" by Queen! I've really been writing them a lot, too. o.o;]

Navi: [pulls out a lighter, waves it back and forth rhythmically]

Sheik: [clears his throat, steps back to watch Link]

Link: [singing melancholically]
There's no time... for us...
There's no place for us...
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Then takes them away from us?

[A dreamy, flashback image of young Link catching Hymie in with his teeth]

Link:
But we'll... be friends forever...
You'll be... my fish... forever...
Ohhh...

Navi: [sheds silent tears]

Sheik: [doesn't get it]

[A scene of Link stroking Hymie's scales as he swims in the bottle]

Link:
There's no chance for us...
It's all decided for us...
This world has only one moment
Set aside for us...

[A scene of Link and Hymie playing fetch. Hymie is flopping around, dying, and Link eventually gives him mouth-to-gill]

Link:
I'll love... your scales... forever...
Your fish...y head... forever!
Ooooooh...
HYMIE... MY FRIEND... FOREVER!
OOOOOOOHHHHWHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
WHY DID YOU DIEEEE?!

[A dramatic montage of Link and Hymie moments, including one of Link sobbing heavily over an empty, spilled bottle of water with a single silver scale still inside.]

Link:
Touch my tears...
With your fins...
Touch my heart...
With your fishy grin...

[An overly-dramatic image of Link throwing flowers into a yuck-hole inside Jabu-Jabu's belly]

Link:
AND WE... CAN LIVE... FOREVER!
AND WE'LL... BE FRIIIIIIENDS... FOREVER!
FOREEEEVER!
MY FRIEND, HYMIE...

[The Chorus Singers join in dramatically as the music picks up]

YOU'LL BEEEE... MY PET... FOREVER!
OH, IN... MY HEART... FOREVER!

Link: [slides out on his knees]
FOREEEEVEEEEER!
IS OUR TODAY!

[Violins slow the song down, and Link hangs his head]

Link:
My fish... forever.

[As the song ends, Link dramatically throws a single red rose that he pulled out of who-knows-where into the water of the lake, and stands up slowly]

Link: Rest in peace, sweet Hymie.

Navi: [crying] Link... that was beautiful.

Link: Thank you, Navi.

Navi: To think... that was the most dramatic thing we've had so far in this whole musical, and it was about a fish.

Link: Sheik?

[Sheik has long, long, LOOOONG since left, apparently scared away.]

Link: [adjusts his sword holster] Well Navi... shall we go?

Navi: Where to now, buddy?

Link: I don't know... SAAAAY! Look at that rising sun between those two poles!

Navi: Oh yeah, I remember! The legend says that if you fire an arrow between those two poles and at the sun as the sun comes up, your path will be shown to you and your pyromaniac wishes will be granted!

Link: [way ahead of her, already shooting the sun] COOOOOL!

[WHACK! The sun screams in agony and poops out the Fire Arrows, which, for convenience's sake, land in Link's backpack]

Link: FIRE ARROWS! SWEEEEEEEET!

Navi: ... Wait. How is that supposed to show us the path?

Link: [points north] TO THE NORTH!

Navi: ... Why?!

Link: BECAUSE THE ARROW SAID SO!

Navi: ... The arrow went EAST, Link, you idiot!

Link: ... NORTH, I SAY! COME, EPONA!

[Epona appears out of nowhere and Link mounts, riding north and towards the exit of Lake Hylia]

Link: Let's go back to Kakariko Village, Navi!

Navi: Why?!

Link: BECAUSE THE ARROW SAID SO!

Navi: Oh GOD... now you're talking to the arrows?

Link: [squeezes her between his fist] TAKE THAT!

Navi: WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!

Link: BECAUSE THE ARROW SAID SO!

Navi: THAT WASN'T IN THE LEGEND!

Link: ... Say. Did you notice that we end nearly every dungeon chapter the same way? With you and me riding off into the sunset and arguing?

Navi: Hey... WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!

Link: [indignant] How uncreative!

Navi: Why do you do it the same exact time every chapter, high and mighty author-type person?

GG: BECAUSE THE ARROW SAID SO!

[Link and Navi make faces at the sky, then ride off into the sunset and argue on their way to Kakariko Village and more adventures! YAY! I SOUND LIKE THE POKEMON ANNOUNCER!]

~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCEN-

EEEERRK!

GG: NOT YET IT AIN'T! WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

[The curtain falls and here comes the author, in her sparkly showy outfit with a microphone.]

GG: HIYA READERS! 'Tis me, Galaxy Girl, the high and mighty author type person! Exactly THREE chapters ago, I added a new feature- the pointless, plotless, never-would-happen-in-the-real game song at the end, AKA the OMAKE! And due to the nice feedback I got from the female readers (Thanks ladies, you rock!), I have decided to do the same favor to our gentleman readers!

Male Readers: YAY!

GG: Now, last chapter, I asked all the gentlemen to share which of the Zelda lasses they would most like to see scantily clad and prancing around for their sick fanboyish enjoyment. And the feedback I got was spectacular, if not IMPOSSIBLE TO CHOOSE. It seems that if I were to pick any one girl, I'd make half of you happy and make the other half homicidal maniacs. Thus, I had a problem.

Male Readers: GASP!

GG: [winks] But good news! Thanks to my close personal friends at the Hyrule Institute For Science-Type Stuff, our problem has been solved! After months and months and seconds of genetic research and development, they have finally created what they call GERALDINE. That stands for Genetically Engineered Really Amazing Luscious Dancing Ideal woman (Not to mention EXPENSIVE.)

[GG speeds back and prepares to pull up the curtain.]

GG: She is a perfect cross of all the traits of every Zelda girl there is! She's got Zelda's nobility and cash, Malon's interesting singing, Saria's cheerful innocence, Ruto's headstrong qualities, Nabooru's sword collection and feminism and Impa's "Xena Warrior Princess"-esque kickin'-your-ass martial arts. So gentlemen, I'm proud to present... MUTANT ZELDA LASS AKA GERALDINE!

[Bongo drums start up in the background as the curtain rises to reveal a genuinely hot woman standing there. She has long, red, Gerudo-esque hair, a small tiara, Sheikah eye tattoos, a yellow ascot/neckerchief, and is wearing tight green spandex! The song is "Rhythm of the Night" from Moulin Rouge!]

Female Singers:
DANCE ALL NIGHT!
DANCE ALL NIGHT!
DANCE ALL NIGHT!

Geraldine/MZL: I believe you were expecting me. [pouts her lips]

Female Singers:
DANCE ALL NIGHT!
DANCE ALL NIGHT!
DANCE ALL NIGHT!

Geraldine:
AND IT'S CALLED THE OMAKE... OH!
Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night!

Low-Voiced Woman:
FEEL THE RHYTHM.

Geraldine:
Fuggetabout the worries on your mind!

Low-Voiced Woman:
FEEL THE RHYTHM.

Geraldine:
Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night!

Low-Voiced Woman:
FEEL THE RHYTHM.

Geraldine:
Fuggetabout the worries on your mind!

[Buckets of water dump on our Mutant Zelda Lass, and she throws her crazy long hair back and bursts into song]

Geraldine:
When it feels like...
The world is on your shoulders
And all of the madness
Has got you going crazy
It's time to get out
Step out into the street
Where all of the action
Is right there at your feet, well!

[She does the splits. That's amazing in itself.]

Geraldine and Female Singers:
I KNOW A PLACE WHERE WE CAN DANCE THE WHOLE NIGHT AWAY!
AND IT'S CALLED AN OMAKE! WHOA!
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE WITH THE REST OF THE THING
PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE!
WHOAAAAA!

[MTZ breakdances like crazy, which is also very impressive. Confetti and wild Latin music are everywhere. Shake your groove thing, man.]

Geraldine:
FEEL THE BEAT OF THE RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT!
Dance until the morning light!
FUGGETABOUT THE WORRIES ON YOUR MIND!
You can leave them all behind!
FEEL THE BEAT OF THE RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT!
Oh, the rhythm of the night!
FUGGETABOUT THE WORRIES ON YOUR MIND!
We can leave them all behind!

[Gentlemen, insert your own fantasy dance here. Nothing too dirty, you silly little men. :P ]

FEEL THE BEAT OF THE RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT!
Dance until the morning light!
FUGGETABOUT THE WORRIES ON YOUR MIND!
You can leave them all behind!

WHOAAAAAA, THE RHYTHM! LOVE TO FEEL THE RHYTHM!

[And with one last gigantic PELVIC THRUST!- The entire male population of the audience is out cold with vicious nosebleeds, and Geraldine stands up and takes a little bow.]

Geraldine: Um... thank you... I guess...

[A white van pulls up onstage, and two police officers step out]

Cop #1: Are you Geraldine?

Geraldine: Um... yes?

Cop #2: You're coming with us ma'am.

Geraldine: Who are you?!

Cop #1: We represent the Hyrule Happy Acres Home For Potentially Dangerous Original Characters.

Cop #2: It's our job to take you to a place where you'll be safe and comfortable, and unable to become a Mary-Sue.

Geraldine: YOU'RE TAKING ME AWAY?!

Cop #1: Yes. We cannot risk you becoming a Mary-Sue.

Cop #2: There are many others like you at the HHAHFPDOC. You'll be happy there. If not a bit confined, and never allowed to appear again.

Geraldine: ... What if I don't want to go to your crazy home?! WHAT IF I WANT TO BE FREE?! POWER TO THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, BABY!

Cop #1: Please reconsider ma'am. We have Ding-Dongs.

Geraldine: [eyes bug out of her head] I'M IN!

[The officers strap Geraldine into a straight jacket and throw her into the back of the van. They then get inside and drive away to the greener pastures of the HHAHFPDOC.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 19~*~*~*~*~*~