Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Eighteen: Ice Cavern & Zora's Domain ( Chapter 18 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Mocked- er... written by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE EIGHTEEN: The Winter Fresh Dungeon That Lasts and Lasts and Lasts!

In this scene...

Link, the Super-Bishie Hero of Time!
Navi, his fairy friend!
Sheik, the Super-Bishie Survivor of the Sheikah!
King Zora, the big fat frozen fish stick!
A variety of ice-based monsters!
A random cameo by The Four Giants and The Three Goddesses!
And sweet, sweet memories of Hymie the Fish!

A/N: Oh for goodness sakes... The very chapter I tell you all to inform me if I get an artist or song title wrong, I bite the big one... "It's Getting Hot In Here" was by Nelly, not Sisquo, as many of you politely informed me. Like I care... they both suck. ^.^; Well, ah, now that's fixed, so on with the chapter.


(Scene: Zora's River. Link and Navi are fighting through a very unusual snowstorm, on their way to the land of the Zora to settle an old score with Princess Ruto... Oh yeah, and the Sage is probably here, too.)

Link: [shivers] A-CHOO!

Navi: Bless you.

Link: [sniffles, wipes snot on his tunic, which is green again, by the way... Wonder why] Thanks... Gee, what a very unusual snowstorm.

Navi: I dunno Link... this is pretty weird. I mean, the Zoras live in water. I don't think they'd willingly build their city in place where it snows like this...

Link: Maybe they had a bad real estate agent.

Navi: Or maybe it's not supposed to snow like this, hmm?

Link: Or maybe... [stops walking, looks up at the sky, sticks out his tongue]

Navi: ... Waiting for pigeons?

Link: [makes a face, tongue still out] That'th disguthting! I'm trying thomething out...

[Catching a snowflake on his tongue, Link shakes his head and keeps walking.]

Navi: What are you doing?

Link: I was checking to see if it was really snow.

Navi: ... As opposed to what?

Link: [snorts] Dried flakes of other people's pet fishes that Ruto ate.

Navi: [groans, bops him in the head] COME ON, Link. PLEASE don't bring that up again when we talk to Ruto.

Link: [crossing arms, looking angry] Well can you blame me? She stole him from me... [blubbers] Cold-blooded killer...

Navi: She's a fish Link, of course she's cold blooded. And for the last time, it was an accident! Quit acting like the whole world is out to get you and your dumb pet fish that died seven years ago!

Link: [glares at Navi] Are you forgetting something?

Navi: What?

Link: I'm the Hero of Time, and Ganondorf's the Evil King! The whole world IS out to get me!

[Just as he says this, a frosty-looking Octorok pops out of the stream nearby and starts firing rocks at machine-gun pace at Link. He shrieks and pulls out his shield and sword, popping rocks back at the monster and killing it. A whole mess of other Octoroks and various other river-dwelling baddies pop up and start attacking Link, to soft violin and guitar chords.]

Link: [singing to "Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes" by Edison Lighthouse]
I don't have much money
My clothes are kinda funny
My hair is blond and pretty and free...
BUT MY...
Liiiife blows, cause wherever I go
Someone wants a piece of me!
I'm just your average hero
Who used to be a zero
And then nobody did like me...
BUT NOW...
Liiiife blows, cause wherever I go
Someone wants a piece... of me!

[As Link dances down the riverside, even more monsters pop out and all start trying to whack him. Several Gerudo assassins can be seen scaling down the walls of the river]

Link:
There's monsters and bandits chasing my back!
Always tryin' to whack
Me on orders of the Kiiiiing!
Assassin's got my pic on their walls
Gotta duck through the halls
I didn't do anything!

I thought this would be simple...
Just finish all the temples
And then the world will peaceful be...
OH, BUT
Liiiiife blows, cause wherever I go
Someone wants a piece... of me!

[The assassins leap down in an attempt to stab Link, who dances gracefully out of the way to a violin solo played by Navi.]

Link:
It sucks because my only real crime
Was being the Hero of Time
And that I didn't decide!
I've decided when it gets too rough
Navi gets all my stuff
After they skin my hiiiiide!

Navi: WOOHOO!

Link: [is now running down the riverside, avoiding all the assassins and monsters]
I'm a cautious fella
Some people call me yella
Cause I don't wanna be deceased...
AND MY...
Liiiiiife blows, cause wherever I go
Someone wants a piece... of me!

[The song bursts into its finale as Link reaches the snowy waterfalls, can-canning up the sides and preparing to play the Ocarina to open them up. Navi is fluttering around the snowflakes in time to the music, and the monsters and assassins are making a lovely gymnastics pyramid in the back]

Link:
MONSTERS CRAWLIN' every place I've been!
They all want a piece of me!
GANON HATES ME, tries to exterminate me!
Cause he wants a piece of me!
EVIL DEMONS, creatures, even some sea men
They all want a piece of me!

[The song ends on a spectacular high note, as Link plays Zelda's Lullaby and opens up the waterfalls. He leaps through, waving goodbye to all his pursuers.]

Link: Toodle-oo! [vanishes]

Assassins and Monsters: [their pyramid collapses] AAAGGGGGGH! [CRASH!]

(Scene: Inside the now-frozen Zora's Domain (Bet you knew that was coming), Link and Navi gaze around in horror.)

Link and Navi: SWEET MOTHER OF THE DEKU TREE!

Link: What... what happened here?! The whole place is one big ice cube!

Navi: The Zora! Are they all right?!

[Link pokes Navi on the shoulder and points down at the ice below. Just below the surface, various Zora are visible, frozen solid, most of them holding signs that read, "SAVE US!" and "OH, HELP, HELP!" and stuff like that.]

Navi: [eyes water] OOOHHH! IT'S TOO, TOO TERRIBLE!

[Soft harp strings emanate from the background, and Navi bursts into song. "Frozen" by Madonna. Bet you saw that one coming.]

Navi:
The ice has come in too thick a sheet...
You're stuck down there like pieces of meat...
You're frozen...
Like products from Gortman's...
[drums]
We were to late to stop this disaster...
Apparently, Link needs to run faster...
You're frozen...
Like products from Gortman's...

[The stage lights dim and turn a frosty blue, matching the snowflakes falling down and making a very dramatic scene for Navi to continue.]

Navi:
Ooooooooh...
Ganondorf's gone... too far...
Ooooooooh...
If only we had a car...
Ooooooooh...
Where's the antifreeze?
Ooooooooh...
Don't... die...
Oh please...

[Navi's singing is interrupted by fairly obnoxious (at the moment) piano music echoing from King Zora's chamber, where Link seems to have disappeared to.]

Navi: ... Link?

Link: [can be heard singing to "Seven Seas of Rhye" by Queen]
Poor little frozen fishy creatures!
Trapped below an evil sheet of ice!
You pissed off Ganondorf, you non-believers
I'll save you all but FIRST- WE'RE HAVIN' A FISH-FRY!

Navi: [eyes pop out] OH GODDESSES... LIIIINK! [races off to stop him from whatever he is doing, which is probably a bad thing]

(Scene: King Zora's throne room, Link is heating up the Fry Daddy of Time, a huge pot of oil, in front of the big frozen King Zora. He shakes some Tabasco Sauce of Time on King Zora, and continues his song as Navi arrives, horrified)

Navi: LIIINK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Link: [continues his song]
There's no need for people to starve while the king is out-of-it!
Trapped inside this freaky crimson ice!
And so before I go in search of the Water Sage, I must
Make best of this- WE'RE HAVIN' A FISH-FRY!

Navi: [slaps Link hard, stopping the music] ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Link: OW! [blubbers] BUT NAVI!

Navi: You can't eat the Zora King!

Link: And why not?!

Navi: [exasperated] ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?!

Link: ... No.

Navi: [gestures to King Zora's dead, frozen expression] He's covered in a big, freaky, unnatural sheet of red ice!

Link: ... OOOOOOOOOHHHH.

Navi: [matter-of-factly] That has got to be some sort of environmental fluke... We can't have you eating it, Link. You could get sick!

Link: [stands up, gives Navi a hug] Navi, you're always there to watch out for me... Thank you.

Navi: That's my job, Link ol' buddy ol' pal.

Link: [sighs, takes a look around the frozen throne room] But seriously... What are we going to do? Ganondorf's gone too far this time... The Zora are all but extinct below that sheet of ice... And if the Sage was one of them... How in the heck are we supposed to awaken them?

Navi: Maybe... if we find the source of the curse that's freezing their Domain, the Zora will eventually awaken...

Link: [blinks in disbelief] Hey, that's a good idea. Who told you that?

Navi: The game guide. [holds up a cheat book]

Link: ... Ah.

[Suddenly, a cold wind blows from the tunnel beyond King Zora's throne. Link and Navi shiver and sneeze, and Link jumps up next to King Zora and peers down the tunnel]

Link: Navi... did you hear that? An evil, cold wind...

Navi: Link! That might be the source of the curse!

Link: COOL! This'll be easier than I thought!

[He motions for Navi to follow him, and the two of them scurry out of the tunnel and into ZORA'S FOUNTAIN! Which has become something of Zora's Ice Cream Float...]

Navi: Jabu-Jabu is gone!

Link: Weird...

Navi: [whispers to Link] I bet King Zora ate him.

Link: Yuck. I saw the inside of that thing, and I pity any fish with an overeating disorder who ate him.

Navi: [gazes across the fountain] Well, it's a lot like inside... Big chunks of ice floating everywhere... Deep, cold water...

Link: HIT THE DECK!

Navi: What?

Link: [panicking, grabs Navi and flings her to the ground, also leaping down and covering his head with his hands]

[A gigantic drinking straw lowers down into the fountain, and there is a loud sucking noise as inches of water begin to flow away. Link finally sits up, sees the spectacle, and begins to yell]

Link: HANG ON! THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE GAME! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!

[He looks up to see that the straw splits into four sections, each one being used by one of the freaky giants from Majora's Mask.]

Navi: [shivering with fear, too scared to look] WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Link: [sighs with disgust] It's just some extras from "Twenty-Eight Masks For Young Link: The Majora's Mask Musical" crashing our set... HEY! YOU FOUR!

Four Giants: [stop sipping, glance at Link quizzically, speaking in the Oath to Order] WAAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

Link: [shakes his fist angrily] KNOCK IT OFF! GO DRINK YOUR OWN SET!

Four Giants: WAAAAAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAAAAA!

Link: I DON'T CARE IF YOUR DIRECTOR SAID YOU COULD, THIS IS OUR MUSICAL, NOW BEAT IT!

Four Giants: [place their hands on their hips] WAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAAAA!

Link: [looks indignant] Oh, THAT'S mature! Calling me names, now! Don't make me call Skull Kid to curse your big, dumb Lorax-butts!

Four Giants: [all flip Link the bird, and stomp away]

Link: [flips it right back] Stupid Guardians of Termina! [sighs deeply, pokes Navi] It's okay, we can go now.

Navi: [flutters up] That was pretty scary.

Link: HA. I'm glad OUR musical doesn't need four stupid dumb-looking giants to protect it.

Navi: Yeah, WE have the Mafia!

[Offstage, the three Goddesses/Mafia mistresses Din, Nayru and Farore can be seen accepting a payment from the director. They glance at the camera, nod, and walk away, buckling their black trenchcoats around them.]

Link: Well, back to business. [looks around] Where are we supposed to go?

Navi: [screams, hits Annoying Fairy Mode] LOOK, LINK. THERE IS A CAVE ACROSS THE FOUNTAIN FROM HERE. PERHAPS THAT IS THE SOURCE OF THE CURSE.

Link: [strains his eyes, sees the cave] Well, whaddya know? There is! Come on Nav, let's go! [taps her out of Annoying Fairy Mode]

[Triumphant music plays in the background as Link sets off, leaping off of the big chunk of ice near where Jabu-Jabu used to be and attempting to land on one of the smaller chunks. As he hits the chunk, the slippery ice flings him right into the freezing water, and the music cuts out]

Link: AGH! [coughs up water] IT'S COLD, IT'S COLD!

Navi: ... It's a block of ice, Link! You should have known better than that!

Link: [grumbling, swims to shore, wrings out his hat, and stomps back up to the block of ice] Let's try that again...

[Triumphant music starts again as Link CAREFULLY jumps down onto the chunk that he just slipped off of. He lands without incident.]

Link: HA! [takes a few steps back, leaps towards the next chunk] Told ya I could do it, Na- SPLOOSH!

Navi: [holds up an umbrella, water splashes off of it]

Link: [back in the water] NO FAIR! NO FAIR! WAAAAAA!

[Stomping back to shore, Link CAREFULLY crosses from the big chunk to the smaller chunk to the one he just fell off of.]

Link: All right, I've got it this time...
[singing along to the triumphant music]
This time I know that I'll do the right action!
If I land like so [pretends to jump], I'll get maximum traction!

[He takes a step backwards, runs and leaps towards the next chunk. As he lands, his feet fly out from under him, his head slams into the ice, and he slides off of the end and back into the water]

Navi: [now is quite enjoying herself] Hey Link... maybe you oughtta go around?

Link: [body floating face-down in the water, bubbles coming out]

Navi: ... Link?

Link: [BLUBBLUBBLUB]

Navi: ... Uh... MEDIC!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK WAS RESCUSCITATED BY THE MEDICS, AND THEN AFTER A LOT MORE FALLING, HE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FOUNTAIN WHERE THE CAVE WAS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The big, sparkly, cold, pretty Ice Cavern. Link and Navi take a few steps in the door, and glance around in awe.)

Link and Navi: AWWWWWWWWEEEEEE...

Link: Well, this certainly looks like the place, eh Navi?

Navi: Yeah, this has GOT to be the source of the curse!

Link: So, let's get crackin'!

[As though on cue, a large number of icicles break away from the ceiling and shatter inches away from our hero, who is needless to say, a bit alarmed]

Link: [leaps into Navi's arms] OH GODDESSES THE ICE IS GONNA GET ME!

Navi: [throws him down] GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! We're three steps in the door, there's got to be scarier stuff than THAT in here!

Link: ... Oh, you're SO comforting.

Navi: Thank you, that's my job.

[Link takes a deep breath and a few more steps into the cavern, as the song "Crystal Blue Persuasion" by Tommy James and the Shondells starts up in the background. With drums and guitar... really big hippie song.]

[They reach the main room of the cavern with the big spinning fan, and Link points]

Link:
Look over yonder!
What do you see?
There's nothin' but blue
All around me
It's colder than a tin-

Chorus Singers and Navi:
OOO OOOOO OOO OOOO!

Link: [shatters some icicles with his sword]
-Toilet in Greenland.
It's sorta beautiful!

Chorus Singers and Navi:
OOO OOOOO OOO OOOO!

All:
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION...

[All of the budget money for this chapter rears its blue, sparkling head as Link and Navi wander further into the beautiful cavern, beautiful ice structures and snow falling all over the place. It's also very slippery, and Link is sort of "skating" around, of course, in a well-choreographed dance routine.]

Link:
Feel like goin' sledding?!
In here the weather's right
Whoa! I feel like a dancer!

Chorus Singers and Navi:
OOO OOOOO OOO OOOO!

Link:
But that's all right.
We ain't givin' up now

Chorus Singers and Navi:
OOO OOOOO OOO OOOO!

Link:
Won't be easy to find
Any curses in here-ere
But we're keepin' in mind...
All the...

[More guitar and tambourine music starts up as they reach the room with the first blue fire thingy]

All:
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION...
MMMMHMMM...
EL NINO'S CREATION...
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION...
CRYSTAL...
BLUUUEEEE FREEZE-ATION...

[Freezards swarm in to attack Link, for some reason now equipped with bongo drums that they're playing in time to the song. Link fights them off with a couple of spin-attacks.]

Link:
MAYBE TOMORROW
The curse'll go down
I'LL SAVE EVERY ZORA
In the Zora town...
AND I'LL PUNISH RUTO
FOR KILLING MY FISHIE...

Navi: [pissed off] LINKY.
[singing]
Peace and love...
Between your two nations...

All:
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION.
YEAH.
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION.
AAAAAAAH.
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION.
AAAAAAAH.

Chorus Singers: [all echoing through the cavern as Link and Navi approach the blue fire thingy]
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION...
CRYSTAL BLUE FREEZE-ATION...

Link: [gazes at the blue fire as the song comes to a close] Coooool...

Navi: What is that?

Link: Blue Fire. What's it look like?

Navi: My Uncle Jerry.

Link: ... Okaaayyy. But I think it's Blue Fire.

Navi: Boy, this place must be on top of the EPA's list of "Biggest Offenders". Look at all the mutated fish and weird-colored stuff!

Link: [licks his finger, sticks it in the fire curiously] Hey, it's cold! [pauses] ... REALLY COLD!

Navi: There must be some use for this! Why else would they have spent money on it?

Link: Hmm... [thinking] If Red Fire melts Blue Ice... maybe...

Navi: [gasps] BLUE FIRE MELTS RED ICE!

Link: [flicks her] STEAL MY THUNDER WHY DON'T YA?!

Navi: OW! Sorry!

Link: JEEZ, NAVI, I FINALLY figure something out on my own and you go and SAY IT BEFORE ME! [sobs, his tears freeze into little balls of ice before they hit the ground]

Navi: Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Link: [pulls out a bottle, dusts off the label] A'right, we just empty out the ol' storage unit and... "Lon-Lon Milk"?

Navi: ... That milk is 7 years old.

Link: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, RANCID! [pops out the cork, an unholy odor emits from the bottle, causing Navi to fall right out of the air and Link to choke]

Navi: [rolling around on the floor]

Link: GROSS! [chucks the bottle away, it hits an approaching Ice Keese and knocks it out of the air, covering it with gross chunks of Lon-Lon Yogurt.]

Ice Keese: WAEEIEEEGGH! [dies]

Link: ... Eeww. What a way to die! That's almost as bad as getting humped by a flaming Redead in a pit of boiling acid... [pauses] Why do I get the feeling that that might actually happen to me?

Navi: [takes a few deep breaths] Okay... okay... we're okay now... Grab some Lysol of Time, will ya, pal?

Link: No problem. [hands Navi a spray can of Lysol of Time]

Navi: [spritzes it around] Mmmm... Spring fresh.

Link: [digs in his Backpack O' Time and pulls out another, empty bottle] Okay... NOW we'll get some.

[Link bottles up some of the fire... how is that possible? Wouldn't it go out? Let's ask Bill Nye the Science Guy about that... well then again, this is a musical about a video game, and Link has pointy ears so that doesn't necessarily mean that everything in this musical has to make sense with the human- ... Whoa. Yammering again.]

Link: [holds it up triumphantly] TA-DAAA!

Navi: Yay! Now we can melt some Red Ice... Somewhere!

Link: [points off somewhere yonder] OFF WE GO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI WANDERED ALL OVER THE PLACE UNTIL THEY FINALLY REACHED THE ROOM WHERE YOU PUSH THE BIG SLIDING BLOCK OF ICE ALL AROUND!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Said room with big sliding block of ice. Link knocks off all the Keese with a few well-aimed arrows, and leaps down to the ground. Unfortunately, it's slippery, and he flips head over heels and lands on his back on the ground)

Link: OOF!

Navi: Aie... Link, are you all right?

Link: Yeah... I think so... [stands up, rubs the back of his head] All riiiight... now, what do we do in this room?

Navi: Didn't you read the scene? You push the big sliding block of ice all around.

Link: [points at the Silver Rupees scattered about] I see. You push the block so that you can get all the money... and then the door opens and we can move on!

Navi: Goody! Get to work!

[As Link adjusts his gloves, the lights in the room dim down and a single spotlight shines on him as he begins the puzzle. "Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight" by the Beatles start up. Gentle piano chords start up.]

Link: [throwing his weight against the block]
This is the only way...
I'll get back homeward...
This is the only way...
I'll be myself...
Just three more Sages
And then I...
Will once again be Kokir-I.

[Link winces as he pushes very hard against the block, though he keeps losing his footing and falling down, looking fairly pathetic]

Link:
SIIIIIIL-VER RUPEES ARE MY PRIZE!
NEEEEEEEED THIS BLOCK JUST FOR TO RISE
Just a couple Sages
And then I...
Will once again be Kokir-I.

This is the only way...
I'll get back homeward...
Gotta push this block...
To be myself...
Three more stinkin' Sages
And then I...
Will finally be a Kokir-I.

[Link shoves the block about an inch, then shrieks as he completely loses his footing and falls, sliding backwards and nearly careening into one of the crevasses in the corners]

Navi: [faster tempo, yelling at him]
BOY...
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT!
CARRY THAT WEIGHT A LONG TIME!
BOY...
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT!
CARRY THAT WEIGHT A LONG TIME!

[Link triumphantly pulls himself out of the crevasse to equally triumphant trumpet chords, then throws himself at the block Bobby Boucher style, squealing and getting very frustrated. Th song becomes rocking guitar chords and drums.]

Link: MOVE, DAMN YOU! MOVE, MOVE, AAGGGH!

Navi: YOU CAN DO IT LINK!

Link: AAGGGGH!

Navi: GO, BOY!

[Suddenly, he stops pushing, snaps to attention, and he and Navi sing a single line out of "You Never Give Me Your Money" (which is actually in the song, if you have the Abbey Road album)]

Link and Navi: [directed to the puzzle designers]
YOU NEVER GIVE US IT EASY...
YOU ONLY GIVE US HUMILIATIONS...
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF INVESTIGATIONS...

Link: [loudly]
I BREEEEAK DOWN!

[More trumpets, as Link finally begins to push. Slowly, but surely, the block begins to move]

Navi:
BOY!
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT!
CARRY THAT WEIGHT A LONG TIME!
BOY!
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT!
CARRY THAT WEIGHT A LONG TIME!

[Blah blah, push push push, Link collects all of the Silver Rupees! Yay! Now he's aiming for the three red ones atop a pair of time blocks at the far north sides of the room.]

Link: Now, to just step up here...

Navi: NO, LINK! [knocks him off of the block and back to the ground]

Link: OW!!! NAVI!

Navi: LINK, YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE!

Link: Why not?! It's three RED RUPEES! That's 60 Rupees!

Navi: Because it's too, TOO HORRIBLE!

Link: What is?!

Navi: [shaking, looks very scared] What'll happen if you go up there... Link, it's just, too, too terrible... you can't, you just can't!

Link: [blinks] What'll happen?

Navi: It's BAD!

Link: ... But what is it?!

Navi: [sniffles] I... I can't say...

Link: [pokes Navi] Screw that you can't say! What'll happen?

Navi: [sniffles again, gets very close, whispers in his ear]

Link: [nodding, repeating every couple of words] Yes... yes... mmm... camera... underwear... [eyes pop out] WHAAAT!? THE CAMERA LOOKS UP MY SKIRT AND EVERYONE SEES MY UNDERWEAR!?

(A/N: I am NOT KIDDING. Go try it on your own game, if you want. Pervert.)

Navi: I know! Isn't it awful!

Link: [stands up, adjusts his pants, indignantly heads off to the door that has just opened] Let's GO, Navi. HMMPH.

(Scene: The gorgeous pretty blue ice room. Am I right or am I right when I say that this is the single prettiest place in the entire game? Anyway, Link walks inside, and is mesmerized by the prettiness.)

Link: [whistles] I am mesmerized by the prettiness...

Navi: LINK, LOOK OUT!

Link: Eh? BWAAAH!

[Shrieking, Link leaps out of the way of an Ice Wolfos that has been waiting in ambush. In a spectacular backflip-jump attack combo, he bashes the Wolfos over the head, sending it to kingdom come or wherever it is that monsters in this game go when you off them.]

Link: [sighs, takes a deep breath] Jeez, that was scary!

[A treasure chest rises up out of the floor, and Link's eyes glaze over as he speeds over to check it out]

Link: [opens up the chest, "You Found Something" music plays] Iron Boots? ... What's the use of Iron Boots?!

Navi: [wisely] They look like they'd make you sink to the bottom of a body of water.

Link: ... And seeing as Zora's Domain is a big sheet of ice, that makes them utterly useless.

Sheik: Not entirely useless, Link.

Link: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!! [leaps into Navi's arms again, Scooby-Doo style]

Sheik: [is now standing near the door, shakes his hands] Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Navi: AAAAAAAAG... [blinks] Link, it's just Sheik.

Link: [takes a deeeeeep breath, clutches at his chest] DEAR FARORE...

Sheik: No more caffeine, Link. [shakes his head sadly] Anyway... it's nice to see you again.

Link: Yeah, nice to see you, Sheik... [glances at him out of the corner of his eye] ... that outfit looks pretty chilly for a place like this.

Sheik: This? [motions to his spandex] No, it's nice and warm. It's self-heated ninja apparel from Bisho Depot.

Link: Self-heated? How does that work?

Sheik: [wipes his hair out of his face sexily] It runs on the power of my insatiable good looks and uses my hot body's own energy to keep itself warm.

Link: [whistles] Cool.

Sheik: And what about you? Those tights have got to be a bit nippy.

Link: A little bit... it's basically like being naked.

Sheik: Ah... spandex is like that too... It fits to every curve of your manly body.

[There is a little KLUNK noise, and with that, Navi drops out of the air and into Link's hands, where blood is dripping out of her nose]

Sheik: [uncomfortably, staring at Navi] ... She's doing it again.

Link: Navi, that's impolite. I think. I guess it could also be a compliment.

Navi: [murmuring stupidly to herself, staring very obviously at Sheik's chest] MMM... IT'S A TIT NIPPLY IN HERE... WE'D BREAST TURN ON THE HOOTERS...

Link: [blushes] NAVI!

Sheik: [blinks, wisely crosses his arms over his chest] Ah... anyway... [clears his throat, his theme plays in the background] If you came here to see the Zora, you wasted your time.

Link: Apparently! Frosty old wretches won't even talk to me! And King Zora's just a big stupid lump, won't say a thing to me!

Sheik: [in disbelief] ... They're all frozen, Link.

Link: [looks insulted] I KNEW THAT! I was trying to make a joke!

Sheik: Suuuure you were. [clears his throat again] This is all that remains of the Zora's kingdom... a frozen wasteland. Ganondorf had a really bad day one day while you were sleeping, and cast a curse of ice that will never melt on every single one of the Zora... except for one.

Link: [eyes widen] Who?

Sheik: I rescued the Zora Princess Ruto from beneath the ice when I heard what had happened... Then I dropped her off at the Water Temple at Lake Hylia.

Link: [cracks his knuckles, smiles wickedly] Ruto... is at the Water Temple... [snarls hungrily] Yeeesss...

Sheik: [looks a bit confused, but continues] That's where the source of the curse is. A terrible monster dwelling inside the temple has the source of the curse flowing through its body. If you kill the monster, than the curse will be broken.

Link: Ruto?

Sheik: I left her at the temple, yes.

Link: So something inside the Water Temple is the curse... [chuckles maniacally] Ruto...

Sheik: [alarmed] Princess Ruto is not the source of the curse.

Link: [looks upset] Are you sure?

Sheik: [frowns] Yes, I'm almost positive that Ruto is NOT the monster.

Link: [snaps his fingers] Darn.

Sheik: Right... well anyway, you must use these boots to travel beneath the surface of the lake and into the Water Temple to help Ruto break the curse.

Link: Can I kill her anyway?

Sheik: NO, you cannot KILL her. [snorts, pulls out his harp, hits soliloquy mode] Like a river, time is always flowing... Young affection will eventually blossom into mature love. The water's surface reflects growth.

Link: How very poetic.

Sheik: This is the song you will need to reach the temple. The Serenade of Water... Listen, now, to what I will play for you...

Link: [takes out his ocarina]


__________________________________________
________________________________^_________
_________________>_____>__________________
________V_________________________________

___A______________________________________


[Link and Sheik jam a very pretty song to a very nasty temple in a very pretty room]

Sheik: That was pretty, Link.

Link: Thank you...

Sheik: Now... Hurry to the temple. I will see you again soon.

Link: Ciao.

[Sheik throws a mystical Sheikah marble, and vanishes]

Link: [has a look around the room, then sets to work reviving Navi] Navi... he's gone.

Navi: [sits up instantly] I AM ALIIIIVE!

Link: Don't do that anymore when Sheik's around, okay? It's sort of creepy.

Navi: Sorry... I don't know WHAT came over me!

Link: Well, we've got something to do now. The Water Temple.

Navi: Sounds like fun... But maybe we should do something else first, eh?

Link: [blinks] Like what?

Navi: Well, after all that exploring in this cavern, you've got quite a bit of that Blue Fire. Maybe you oughtta go back to Zora's Domain and see if you can revive the king, or something like that.

Link: ... Say, that IS a good idea! Maybe then he'll give me money! Or permission to kill his daughter!

Navi: Stop talking about killing Ruto. It ain't gonna happen.

Link: [snorts, straps the Iron Boots onto his feet] You're no fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI LEFT THE ICE CAVERN AND GOT TO KING ZORA'S THRONE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: King Zora's throne room. Link stands next to him with a bottle of Blue Fire.)

Navi: Go ahead! Melt the ice!

Link: What if it kills him?

Navi: It won't kill him.

Link: How do you know? It's freaking BLUE FIRE. That's got to be some kind of chemical or something that makes it do that.

Navi: He's a big mutated fish, what's the worst that could happen? He'll grow flippers?

Link: Maybe he'll lose weight.

Navi: [sighs] Just do it already.

Link: [humming "Seven Seas of Rhye"] We havin' a fish fry... [uncorks the bottle and pours the Blue Fire onto King Zora]

[Steam rises from the enormous fat fish's body as Link and Navi leap over onto the royal podium. The Red Ice melts from around him, and he blinks]

King Zora: [seemed to have been in the middle of yelling something, continues] -SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS -Ruto- MITAMAS OR SOME- ... Wait... Where-Ruto- am I? What -Ruto- happened?

Link: Hey, King Zora? You okay?

King Zora: [sneezes, slowly shakes his fat head, red water goes flying everywhere] I... I-Ruto- think so... I was just sitting here, minding my own business, trying to get back to my -Ruto- normal spot from my mini fridge... I finally -Ruto- got there three years ago... and all of a -Ruto- sudden, BANG! It got REALLY -Ruto- COLD! I thought I -Ruto- was gonna die...

Navi: At least he's remembering his speech impediment. That's always a good sign.

King Zora: [blubbers] I'M HUNGRY!

Link: Yep, he's back to normal.

King Zora: But say, young -Ruto- man... Come to think of it, did -Ruto- you save me?! Awfully -Ruto- good of you!

Link: Don't you remember me?! I'm Link! The kid who saved your stupid-ass daughter seven years ago!

King Zora: Speaking of -Ruto- Ruto, my stupid-ass -Ruto- daughter... Where has she got to?! Did she -Ruto- get frozen too?!

Link: Naah, she went to the Water Temple. [under his breath] But I'll freeze her stupid-ass when I find her...

Navi: LINK.

King Zora: Oh -Ruto- would you? That -Ruto- would be wonderful!

Link: [grins evilly at Navi] I like this guy.

King Zora: If -Ruto- you could just check and make sure she's okay... I'd -Ruto- be much ob-Ruto-bliged!

Link: Yuh, okay pal... I'll go... [cracks his knuckles] Now that you've said that...

King Zora: Oh wait. -Ruto- You're not a -Ruto- Zora. You can't survive under-Ruto-water... So I'll give you -Ruto- a Zora Tunic so that you can! RUTO!

Link: Hey, COOL! Thanks, sir!

King Zora: Let me -Ruto- just slide over here and get it...

Link and Navi: [their faces drop] OH GODDESSES...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
KING ZORA GAVE LINK A ZORA TUNIC AFTER HE FINALLY GOT THERE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Zora: There you -Ruto- go! Now hurry and -Ruto- get going! Bring -Ruto- my Ruto -Ruto- back -Ruto- to me!

Link: Okay buddy... Let me shave first.

[Link pulls the Razor of Time out of his pocket and sets to work on his floor-length gray beard]

(Scene: Hyrule Field. Link is riding on Epona, majestically, off towards Lake Hylia, singing to "Compliment" by Collective Soul.)

Link:
Now we've gotten a sign...
Pointing where to go now...
Can we make it in time?
Or are we screwing around?

[He gazes off into the distance as they ride, bursting out into a full-fledged rock song]

Link:
But there it goes...
My solemn vow...
To have nothing...
To do with that cow...
And now I ride...
But, this I swear...
Ruto, you'll feel...
My wrath when I get... Theeeeeere.
When I get there...

Navi: ... Liiink.

Link: Come on, I haven't sung about it yet.
[continues]
Harlot princess of fish...
Betrayed my very best friend...
Got hungry, wanted a dish...
And that was poor Hymie's end...

She made my friend
A Lunchable
To forgive that
Is impossible!
And now I ride...
But, this I swear...
Ruto, feel my wrath!
Soon as I get... Theeeeere.
When I get there...

[Rock guitars and synthesizer chords, Link starts rocking his head rhythmically. Epona, too. Navi bobs back and forth, dancing to the cool song.]

Link:
She made my fish
A fricassee
So now she will
Get to R.I.P
And now I ride...
But, this I swear...
Ruto, just wait!
When I get there...

And there it goes...
My solemn vow...
To have nothing...
To do with that cow...
And now I ride...
But, this I swear...
Hymie'll be avenged
Right when I get... Theeeeeere.
When I get theeeeere...
When I get there...

[The last beats of the song melt into majestic music, and Link enters soliloquy mode again.]

Link: [thinking] Ruto... you liar... you coward... you horrible, horrible monster...

Navi: LINK, STOP IT! She didn't DO anything that bad!

Link: ... [thinking] Forgot she's telepathic... Okay... try this again. Princess Ruto... thorn in my side... pain in my butt... Now, you are the one who once again needs help. If I do help you, I will be submitting to what I promised myself I would never do... both helping and possibly marrying you. If I don't... the Water Sage will never be found, and I will never save Hyrule...

[Majestic music plays as Link continues riding on]

Link: Ruto... is it possible? Could you be that Sage? Do the Goddesses love me THAT much? We shall see... but first, I must find this Water Temple... and I must find you... and we must break that curse and save Zora's Domain...

[An image of Ruto, all dreamy-like, appears in the background as Link continues his ride across the field]

Link: [thinking] Ruto... Water Temple... Here I come! [pulls something deep-fried and breaded out of his pocket and takes a bite]

Navi: Link... do you think that... [eyes widen] What is that?

Link: [mouth full] Food.

Navi: [turns green] ... OH... OH... OH MY GODDESS... LINK... IS THAT... WHAT I THINK IT IS?!

Link: [mouth full] That depensh. What do you think it ish?

Navi: DID YOU COOK A ZORA?!

Link: [spits out the food] NO! I RAIDED KING ZORA'S MINI-FRIDGE, YOU SICKO!

Navi: WHY DON'T I BELIEVE YOU?!

Link: I'M TELLING THE TRUTH FOR ONCE!

[Their squabbles echo over the majestic music and across the field as the scene comes to a close.]

~*~*~*~*~*~ END OF CHAPTER/SCENE 18 ~*~*~*~*~


A/N: Next chapter, it shall be time for another pointless, plotless cameo song. This time, for the gentlemen. Gentlemen, in your review, which Zelda-related lassie would you like dancing scantily clad across the stage of your minds?

Ladies, who would you not, at any cost, like to see in that position?