Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Seventeen: Fire Temple ( Chapter 17 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Smote by... er... WRITTEN by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE SEVENTEEN: Fiery Fun in the Fire Temple (Someone, PLEASE Spare My Chapter Titles From An My Own Worthless Stupidity!)

IN THIS SCENE...

Link, the hunky Hero o' Time!
Navi, the Fairy!
Darunia, the Lord of the Dance!
Volvagia (throws arms up), the evil dragon!
A large group of random Gorons!
A series of vicious, angry monsters!
Flare Dancers #1 and 2!

A/N: Don't ya hate when you upload something only to find out seconds later that there's a problem with it?! Thank you to Jigglypuff, who casually informed me that the song "Hey Mr. Wonderful" was performed not by NMR, but by Smile.dk, still a DDR artist, but a very different one. ^.^;; Please forgive the stupid child, all you happy people. From now on, if you see a glaring hideously evil mistake on my part involving a certain song or something, please leave it in a review (kindly, if you don't mind). And now, on with the smiting! Er... The writing!


(Scene: Inside the Death Mountain Crater. It's such a hospitable place, filled with [Dr. Evil Voice] hot liquid mag-MA, evil skull things that hop out of the same hot liquid mag-MA, and a lot of jumpy platforms and obstacles. Link, dressed in his new snazzy Goron tunic appears from a passageway with Navi close behind. She is holding a small battery-powered fan, which promptly fizzles, shorts out, and explodes.)

Navi: Darnit! My fan!

Link: That may very well have been your ONLY fan, Navi. [chuckles evilly]

Navi: Oh shut up, skirt boy.

Link: [eyes widen viciously] TUNIC.

Navi: [shakes head] Linky, I think you might be fighting a losing battle with the whole skirt-tunic thing.

Link: I am not. [grumbles, gazing around the crater] Woo. Well, this is scenic.

Navi: Yes, I like the whole... "Hell" thing they have going on in here.

Link: Who was their decorator, Alice Cooper? Heh heh heh...

Navi: [points off in the direction of the Fire Temple] I think I can see the entrance to the temple over that way!

Link: Good! That eliminates half of our problems!

Navi: [puzzled] What are you talking about?

Link: Well, now that we've FOUND the Fire Temple, all we gotta do is go inside and beat it. Then, woom-bang, problem solved!

Navi: ... Where have you BEEN? We've got a lot more problems than that.

Link: Like what? The gigantic evil cloud over Death Mountain was the only really obvious problem we had, right?

Navi: What about the fact that Ganondorf is the evil overlord of Hyrule because of something WE did?

Link: [reaches the rope bride, pondering that fact] Ah. Well... Yes, there's that. [grumbles] Even though it was really Zelda.

Navi: And what about the fact that there's an ominously evilly cold wind blowing from Zora's Domain?

Link: ... Right.

Navi: And what about the fact that there is a great disturbance in the balance of good and evil karma in Kakariko Village, liable to awaken some vicious evil demon at any second?

Link: Again, all this is Zelda's fault more than ours.

Navi: And by our own cosmically terrible streak of luck, there's probably a string of brainwashings going on out in the desert or somewhere like that, hmm?

Link: Always the optimist, aren't you Navi?

Navi: Naah, I dropped out of medical school.

Link: Always able to SEE the bright side of things, hmm?

Navi: Looking through rose-colored glasses all the time.

Link: Maybe you need a different perspective on things.

Navi: A new point of view?

Link: The eyes have it, after all.

Navi: Goddesses, enough with the eye doctor puns.

[PA-DUM, CHIII!]

Link: [peers down at the burned-out bridge] Comforting... How are we supposed to get across?

Navi: [smacks him] Doii, you silly hero! HOOKSHOT!

Link: [pulls it out triumphantly] HOOKSHOT!

[With careful and precise aim, and managing to look extremely sexy as he does, Link points his hookshot at the post of the bridge across the way, firing it off and being catapulted across the gap. At least, that's what would happen in the video game world, but we all know that a piece of wood sitting in an active volcano like that would never withstand that kind of heat for as long as this particular piece has been sitting here. With a great CRACK, the piece splits away, is yanked down after our hero, and he and Navi plummet into the lava and a fiery, quasi-instantaneous, probably extremely painful death.]

[Just kidding.]

Link: HUP! [lands on the bridge on the other side] Okay Navi! [points into the temple] LET'S GO SAVE THE GORONS FOR MY WONDERFUL LITTLE FANBOY!

Navi: And Darunia, your Sworn Brother and trusted friend.

Link: Oh yeah, him too!

[The classic LOZ theme plays as Link speeds across the next bridge, but suddenly halts as everyone's favorite, formerly shirtless Sheikah boy drops in, for some reason able to withstand the mind-melting heat.]

Sheik: [waves in that mysterious, sexy way of his] Yo, Link.

Link: Hi Sheik! What's-

[He feels something wet on his shoulder and looks up to see Navi, dripping blood out of her (invisible, fairy) nose and all over his shirt.]

Link: Ewww, Navi, what...?

Navi: [humming stupidly] HEY MR. WONDERFUL... [passes out on his shoulder]

Sheik: [turns bright red under his mask thingy] Er... what's wrong with your fairy?

Link: I have no idea! [pokes her] She's usually so good with hot guys in tight spandex clothing.

Sheik: [chuckling nervously] Um... yeah... RIGHT! [Sheik's Theme plays in the background as he delivers another very inspirational speech.] It is something that grows over time. A true friendship, a feeling in one's heart of unlimited trust. Over time, that feeling will blossom into a righteous power, and through it, you will know which way to go.

Link: Pretty words...

Navi: [murmuring] PRETTY BOY...

Sheik: [obviously pretending he doesn't know what she's talking about] This song is dedicated to the power of the heart. Listen to the Bolero of Fire. If you play it, you can return to this place quickly... But I don't know why you'd need to, really. Unless you really screw up in there.

Link: [glares]

Sheik: I'm just kidding! Anyway, the Bolero of Fire.

Link: Wowee, cool name! [pulls out his ocarina, tries his best to look serious]


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[Link and Sheik have a very dramatic jam session as the burning fires of the Death Mountain... burn around them.]

Chorus Singers: [singing along]
HMM HMM HMM HMM
HMMM HMMM HMMM HMMM!

[The song speeds up and then ends in a dramatic... bolero. What a cool word. If I ever get a goldfish, I'm gonna name it Bolero. Or Hamel.]

Sheik: [sticks his harp... wherever he keeps it] Yeah, that's it.

Link: Say, Sheik... I have a question.

Sheik: Yes?

Link: [fiddling around with a small IV machine for Navi] This is an active volcano, and the temperature in here must be hundreds, if not thousands of degrees, correct?

Sheik: Correct.

Link: It's so hot that I, a video game character, must wear protective clothing to avoid having my pixels burn up, correct?

Sheik: That is a Goron Tunic you're wearing.

Link: Okay... then why aren't you wearing any protective clothing?

[The two of them pause for a second. Sheik looks down and examines his clothing carefully. He then snaps his fingers]

Sheik: CRAP!

Link: Uh huh. So what's up with that, Sheik?

Sheik: I am wearing protective clothing!

Link: That's what you always wear!

Sheik: Um... [tugs on his collar] It's... um... protective?

Link: Nice try, bucko.

Sheik: All right, you caught me. [reaches down his shirt and removes a blue freezy-pack, the kind you use in coolers to keep lunchmeat cold.]

Link: Yeah. I thought so.

Sheik: They were working really nicely, too...

Link: [sticks his palm out, Sheik gives it to him] Good. Come on now, Sheik, I'm the Hero of Time. You have to tell me when you get things like this! This could save my life someday! And you're just the mystical sagey guide-type person. Do you really need this kind of thing? You weren't holding out on me, were you?

Sheik: [sighs, turns to leave]

Link: AND the other one.

Sheik: [squirms uncomfortably] But that one's... um... it's protecting my... uh...

Link: [eyes widen] OH! Sorry! Never mind you... ah, keep that one.

Sheik: [nods] Thank you... Now, em... I will see you again, Link.

Link: Oh, I know.

Sheik: Good luck awakening the Fire Sage... Hero of Time. [tosses a little Sheikah marble thingy at the ground, it explodes, he vanishes]

Link: [looking around suspiciously] Mmm... right. Navi, you up yet? He's gone.

Navi: [slowly coming out of her blood-loss induced coma]

Link: ... Right... [reaches down, pulls open his tights, drops the freezy-pack inside, and sighs with relief] Can't be too careful...

Navi: [wakes up] Eh...? Ugh... Link, is Sheik gone?

Link: Yep. It's temple time, my little fairy fangirl friend.

Navi: Cool. Okay, let's go!

(Scene: The entrance to the Fire Temple, a long pit going deep into the ground with a long ladder leading down. Link stands near it, studying it carefully)

Link: This must be it...

Navi: What are you waiting for? Let's go!

Link: What, I'm not going to just JUMP down there! There's probably fire inside! It is the FIRE Temple after all.

Navi: Somehow, I doubt that the whole temple is made out of fire.

Link: Why?

Navi: First of all, practicality reasons. And second of all, can you imagine how much it would cost the budget to build that set?

Link: [ponders that] You're probably right... Talk about burning money.

[PA-DUM, CHIIIII!]

Link: Well, the dragon's not getting any more alive! [straddles the ladder, begins his long descent]

Chorus Singers: [humming the openings of the Fire Temple song (that weird prayer thingy)]

Navi: [fluttering down the dark pit behind him] Watch your step while you're in here, Link.

Link: I will.

Navi: But really, we should try not to make too much noise... There are probably some really nasty monsters in here that we don't want to wake up.

Link: You mean, Volvagia? [throws arms up]

[Just as his arms reach their highest point above his head, Link realizes his desperate mistake. His eyes grow large and he lets out a terrified shriek, tumbling down, DOWN, DOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNNN... WHAM!]

Link: [eyes bulging out, lying flat on his back] ...

Navi: [whizzes down after him] LINK! OH DEAR GODDESSES, LINK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!?

Link: MY KIDNEYS!

Navi: Oh gee Link, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you let go of the ladder!

Link: [clutching at his back] JEEEEZ! Remind me never to do that again!

Navi: You just gotta be careful... It seems, as part of some sick joke, any character who says the name of this dungeon's boss must throw his or her hands in the air.

Link: Right... I'll try to remember that... [stands up, still clutching at his back]

[BUM BUM BUM! Link and Navi enter the temple, only to see a large neon sign pointing to the left. It reads, "Dragon's Lair". Calm, elevator-style music is playing in the background for some reason.]

Navi: I take it we go that way.

Link: Isn't there supposed to be a musical number?

Navi: [shrugs] Let's just follow the sign.

Link: It all seems too simple...

[Scene: Inside that room. Link and Navi look around suspiciously]

Link: So... where's the-

Familiar Voice: WAAAAGGGHH!

Link: AAAGHHHH!!!

Darunia: [standing across the way from them, yelling] WHOA! ... Brother Link? BROTHER LINK, IS THAT YOU?!

Link: [yelling back] DARUNIAAAAA?

Darunia: H-HEEEEY! [waves with exaggerated movements] WHAT'S UP, MAH BROTHER?

Link: [you know] NOTHING MUCH, REALLY! JUST HEARD SOME DRAGON WAS TERRORIZING THE MOUNTAIN!

Darunia: HEY YEAH! DUDE, I WANNA TOTALLY HAVE A MAN TO MAN CHAT WITH YOU. AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO HEAR THAT GREAT SONG AGAIN!

Link: YEAH, WE TOTALLY NEED TO CATCH UP!

Navi: Why don't you just GO OVER there and stop the yelling?

Link: That makes too much sense. And besides, there's no way to get over there.

Darunia: WHAAAAAAAT?

Link: I WAS TALKING TO THE FAIRY!

[For the rest of their conversation, Link and Darunia are yelling loudly back and forth]

Darunia: OH! Well hey, I guess you heard that that mean old Ganondorf is causing trouble on Death Mountain again!

Link: Why yes! I felt a troublesome wind from this direction!

Darunia: [scratches his head] Yeah, that was probably me. We had our annual barbecue cook-out last night.

Link: [sighs] No Darunia, I mean the whole dragon thing.

Darunia: OOOOOHHH, I GETCHA. Yeah, well anyway, I guess you heard that that poopy-head Ganondorf resurrected the evil dragon Volvagia [throws arms up] and captured all my people, locking them up in this temple! He's going to feed them all to that monster as a warning for other races that might oppose him!

Link: [gasps very loudly] THAT EVIL, HEARTLESS MAN!

Darunia: [indignant] I KNOW!!! How could he single us Gorons out for this? We're so cute with our little round faces! Why couldn't he feed the ZORAS to that creature? Or the HYLIANS maybe?

Link: ... Why should he feed ANYONE to them?

Darunia: That's what I thought too! So I decided, no matter what, I'm going to stop that dragon and save my people and my son!

Link: Oh yeah, he's really cute! We met!

Darunia: Yeah he is, ain't he?

Link: I like his name a lot!

Darunia: Yeah, me too! Well anyway, it was nice to see you again, Brother! I'm about to sacrifice myself to the dragon in the hopes that he'll discover we Gorons taste like a cross between a lump of dusty clay and LL's mother's cooking. Maybe he'll decide not to eat the rest of them!

Link: ... Did it take you a while to think of that?

Darunia: Yes! It's my MASTER PLAN!

Link: ... But that's a TERRIBLE plan!

Darunia: WHAAA?

Link: [louder] I SAID THAT'S A TERRIBLE PLAN! WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT THE DRAGON?

Darunia: ... [thinks about it] Hey, that's an even better idea! That way, he would be scared off by the fact that we Gorons put up quite a fight before we get devoured! Then he'd be too scared to attack the city after I'm dead!

Link: Or maybe you could try and... mm... NOT get devoured? Why don't you try to actually beat him instead of being eaten?

Darunia: ... Wow, you're really on the ball today, Brother! That's an even BETTER plan! If I try to kill the dragon, maybe he'll be too scared to mess with us at all! [voice drops] Oh... oh no, em... Unfortunately, I don't have the Legendary Hammer of the Gorons, so I won't stand a chance against him! That's the only thing that can put Volvagia [throws arms up] in his grave!

Link: Isn't that hammer INSIDE this temple?

Darunia: Oh yeah, it is, isn't it?

Link: Why don't you go GET it?

Darunia: [growls] There's no time! By the time I get my fat butt past all the obstacles here, half of Goron City will be an appetizer! And even worse, if that dragon somehow escapes while I'm gone, all of Hyrule will be toast! A burning wasteland! Like Nevada!

Link: [shudders] EEGH! So what are you going to do, Darunia?

Darunia: I'm going to go inside and attempt to fight the dragon, probably being eaten in the process. Hopefully, after he gets violently ill from eating me, he'll either keel over or decide that he prefers the taste of Zoras.

Link: ... Or... um... You could have ME help.

Darunia: ... Hey! That's the best idea yet! That's perfect! While I'm trying to deal with the dragon, why don't YOU go all through the temple and free the other Gorons?! And hey, maybe, if you hurry, you can find the Legendary Hammer and come and save me from the dragon before he eats me!

Link: [salutes] Sure thing, buddy!

Darunia: [salutes back] The prisoner's cells are in the opposite direction! Good luck, Brother!

Link: Okay, you can count on me!

Darunia: Don't worry! I'll give that dragon a run for his money!

[Darunia gives a brave nod as the door to the dragon's lair slides open. He ducks through it, and the door slams shut again as we hear a ferocious roar and a scream of terror]

Darunia: [through the door] AAGGGHHH! LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT!

Link: [points] Navi, he's in trouble!

Navi: NO! You promised Darunia that you'd help save the other Gorons before you helped him!

Link: But Navi-

Darunia: LET ME OUTTA HERE! SAVE ME, SAVE ME! AAAGGGGHHHHHH!

Link: But Navi, what if he-

Navi: [shakes her head] You have to keep your promise.

Darunia: YOU STUPID IDIOT! I WAS JOKING! JOKING!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL KICK YOUR HEAD IN- AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

Link: [turns away, covering his ears, eyes watering]

Darunia: ...

Link: [yelling, to drown out all the screaming and roaring] I WON'T LET YOU DOWN DARUNIA! WITH THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THIS LONG MUSICAL NUMBER, I WILL SAVE THE GORONS AND COMPLETE...

Link and Navi: [slide out on their knees]
THE FIRE TEMPLE!

[Slamming guitar chords open up the Fire Temple Medley (OH NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE!) The main song here is yet another obscure anime one, "Through the Night" from Outlaw Star (DL that song RIGHT NOW. It's SOO COOL). Also included are "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash, "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks, "Summer In the City" by The Lovin' Spoonful, a single line from "It's Getting Hot In Here" by Nelly (I HATE that guy...), and a mystery song that you have to guess later on.]

Link:
It's on-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
FIRE!

Link:
And it's-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
BURNING!

Link:
And it's-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
FLAMING!

Link:
It's obvious this temple's dangerous...
IT'S IN A VOLCANO!

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Navi:
There are-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
MONSTERS!

Navi:
Made of-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
LAVA!

Navi:
Have some-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
JAVA!

Navi:
Cuz' we're maybe gonna be in here...
FOR A VERY LONG WHIIIIIIIIILE...

[Link reaches the first Goron's cell, just to the right of the door where Darunia went in. With more awesome guitar chords and sparkly sound effects in the background, the following conversation takes place, still to "Through the Night".]

Goron #1:
OH, I BEG YOU PLEASE!
OH PLEASE, DRAGON, DON'T EAT ME!
I AM NOT TASTY!

Chorus Singers:
TAAAASTYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Goron #1:
I'll give you diarrhea bad!

Link: [steps on the switch to free him]
Don't worry little Goron buddy dude!
I am-a only here to rescue you!

Goron #1: [sits up, is stunned]
Oh Brother Link-ay!

Chorus Singers:
LINK-AAAAAAAYYY!

Goron #1:
I was so scared, I'm so glad to see you!

IIIIIF YOU... WANT TO...
Reach the room where Big Brother went!
THEN YOU... HAVE TO...
Knock the column outta that vent!
FIIIIND A... PATH THAT...
Goes there as fast as you can
And please save the others, save them-
SAYONARA! [speeds outta there]

[Abrupt music change to "Ring of Fire"]

Link: [points in the other direction]
I'm findin' my way through the Temple of Fire!
I go up, up, up, and the flames get higher!

Navi:
And it burns, burns, burns...
Temple of Fire...
Burns, burns, burns...
Temple of Fire.

[Run run run run run run run run run run- BANG! THEY REACH THE LAVA ROOM BACK ACROSS THE MAIN ENTRANCE!]

Link: [staring around at all the lava, back to "Through the Night"]
It's on-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
FIRE!

Link:
It's a-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
TEMPLE!

Link:
It sounds-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
SIMPLE!

Link:
But you wouldn't think so if you were me!
This could make a lesser man wail!

[He begins hopping across bridges and platforms, navigating his way across to free at least two more Gorons, who dance out of their cells very gracefully in time with the music]

Navi:
With your-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
BIG SWORD!

Navi:
And your-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
SHI-IELD!

Navi:
And your-

Chorus Singers, Link, Navi:
TUNIC!

Navi: And all your other weapons protecting you!
THE HERO OF TIME WILL PREVAAAAAAIL!

[A colorful pyrotechnics display blasts out from above a doorway that Link is climbing to reach]

Link: [points at Navi]
Hey, look out behind you!

Navi: [dodges the blast]
I'll be sure to mind you!
IF I BURN MY WINGS, I CAN'T FLY HIGHER!

Link:
Savin' my Sworn Brother!

Navi:
And the Gorons, other!

Both:
WATCH AS WE TAKE ON THIS TEMPLE OF FIIIIIIIIIRE!

[Somehow, because the author is lazy of writing the temple layout, Link and Navi are riding up to the next floor on one of the many cool fire-activated elevator things. "Summer in the City" plays.]

Link: [suddenly wearing shades]
Hot time!
Savin' Goron City
The crotch o' my tights getting burned and gritty
It hurts!
Chafing all my skin off
Someone stop the pain, come on please, have pity!

Navi: ... Oh, BEAUTIFUL.

[Ding. The elevator reaches its destination]

Link: [spies a Torch Slug a little ways away] WHOA! SWEET CHEESE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Navi: ... I think it's a Torch Slug!

Link: It looks like a flaming lump of jelly! [scampers around like a little girl] EWWHOOHOOHOO! It's GROSS!

Navi: All you gotta do to kill it is whack it about half a million times, and not let it jump up on you. THAT would hurt.

Link: It's like walking Napalm. [tiptoes over to the Torch Slug]

Torch Slug: [gross sluggy noises]

Link: [shyly pokes it with his sword]

Torch Slug: [explodes in a burst of fire, turning sickly gray and crunchy and squirmy] PHPHPHPGHGHHHPHHH!

Link: AAGGGHHH!!! [leaps away from it]

Navi: Ya big chicken, look, it's dying!

Link: IT'S GROSS, HIT IT AGAIN! [does so] EWW SICK, ITS GUTS ARE BURNING ON THE TIP OF MY SWORD! [hits it again] OH MY FREAKIN' GOSH, IT'S STILL MOVING! [hits it again] NOW IT'S FREAKIN' JIGGLING! NASTY! EWWWWWWW! [hits it a lot of times] AAIEEGGGHHH! ICKY POO-POO! [goes nuts, whacking it to bits]

[Unable to take any more abuse, the Torch Slug erupts in a burst of flaming red guts and squirmy mucus tissue. EWWWW! Then it melts! DOUBLE-EWW! And gets all over Link's shoes! EWWWWWWWWW!]

Link: MY BOOTS! [scraping them off on the ground] YUCKO!

Navi: ... EUUUGH! That looks like those videos they show you about what happens when you smoke cigarettes!

Link: So kids, don't do drugs! [winks]

[Brief pause, and "Through the Night" starts up again]

Link:
It was-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
SQUIRMY!

Link:
It was-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
PUFFY!

Link:
It had-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
MUCUS!

Link:
Now that Torch Slug's been reduced...
To a stain on my shoe!

Navi:
Oh, hey-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
LINKY!

Navi:
Hate to-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
MENTION!

Navi:
Need your-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
ATTENTION!

Navi:
But there's a whole bunch more of them in here!
We've gotta see some more grime!

Link: [grins maniacally, reaches into his pack]
Oh, don't-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
WORRY!

Link:
There's no-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
HURRY!

Link:
I like-

Link, Navi, Chorus:
CURRY!

Link:
I just thought of a way to kick them off!
With my Gasoline of Time!

[He triumphantly holds up a can of gasoline with the Triforce symbol on it; the aptly named "Gasoline of Time".]

Navi: ... Where did you get THAT!?

Link: Same compartment as the Spatula of Time.

Navi: There's a lot of "... of Time" stuff in that sword holster, isn't there?

Link: [now eating the Beef Jerky of Time] Yep. And it's all in the gift shop, too!

[Brief, cheesy 1950's music as a variety of items available in the Hey, OCARINA! Gift Shop of Time are shown off by a bunch of Bob Barker Beauty models (Including, but not limited to: The Panties of Time, the Digital Watch of Time [Ha ha], Computer Mouse of Time, and Singing, Dancing Link/Sheik/Ganondorf Dolls of Time.]

[The models run away, and we get back to the actual musical]

Link: So anyway, I figure I'll just pour a little Gasoline of Time on those things, and... [moves hand in front of face] Kaboom. No more monsters!

Navi: No more Fire Temple is more like it. Link, this whole PLACE is practically on fire! You're gonna kill us!

Link: I am not! Don't worry, it's a good idea! All my ideas are good ideas, don't you remember?

Navi: [has a brief musical flashback that includes some of Link's better ideas, like hitting the guard with money, picking up the Master Sword, adopting Hymie the fish and trying to attack Ganondorf with a cute little wooden shield.]

Link: Navi? You remember?

Navi: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh yes. GOOD idea.

Link: There we go... [pours a generous amount of Gasoline of Time all over the floor] Now, to just lure one more of those little buggers over here...

Random Torch Slug: [gross noises as it squirms towards Link]

Link: [sticks fingers in his ears] Okay Navi, get ready...

Navi: [hides in his hat]

(Scene: A sudden view of whatever planet Hyrule is on.)

Planet: ...

Large, Rather Noisy Exploding Fireball: KABLAM!

Narrator: And then Link and Navi, burnt to a flaming crisp in the unfortunate exploding fireball, DIED!

Just kidding.

[But the fireball does have some uses besides mass destruction: It blows Link and Navi far up into the depths of the temple, to the boulder maze! And it frees a lot of Gorons who were on the way, too! ... I am so lazy.]

(Scene: The boulder maze. Link and Navi, miraculously untouched by the exploding fireball of death, are navigating their way through the maze)

Link: This seems familiar somehow.

Navi: How do you figure?

Link: I dunno... I just have a feeling that this has happened be- [smashed under a large boulder]

Navi: AAUGGGH!!! LINK!

Link: [sits up very slowly, singing]
Rollin', rollin', rollin'...
I think my head is swollen!
That boulder just rolled over my
BACKSIIIIIIIIDE!

Navi:
LOOK A WALL!
LOOK A ROCK!
LOOK A ROOF!
LOOK A BLOCK!
LOOK A CHEST!
LOOK A GORON!
A CHEST!

Link: ... Very smooth, author. Like no one's not going to recognize that that song was already used in this- [bursts into song randomly]
Even... though I started this, I don't know if I can last
Can... I finish it when it is happening so fast?
There's no way... It was an accident...
None of this was something that I ever meant to do... Yes, it's true...

Navi: Link! You already sang that song!

Link: [clutches at his throat] DARN! I think the author's having song relapse!

Navi: Quick, start singing the Fire Temple Medley again!

Link: [bursts out, singing to "Standing Outside the Fire"]
They call them "wimps"...
Those who run screaming like a girl...
They never want to save the world...
I hope I am not one of them.

But the love of a hot chick is what I desire!
And I'll never get it if I GET BURNED BY THE FIRE!

Navi: ... [groans] Now you're making stuff up.

Link: [shrugs] At least it's new stuff.

[Link and Navi navigate their way through the boulder maze, as country-style violins and guitars from Garth Brooks' song continue on in the background. And they find some more stuff. Yeah... like a Goron or two... and some little rooms... Yeah, that's it! Little rooms, yeeeesss...
Finally, they reach the room with the wall of flame that chases you across the room... You know the one, right? RIIIIGHT?]

Link: Man, this medley SUCKS!

Navi: It's not that bad!

Link: Oh yes it is. The Forest Temple Medley was MUCH better.

Navi: Well... live with it!

Link: Think about it! Every single song is going on about how hot it is in here! That's obvious, it's the FIIIIRE TEMPLE. The author needs to hire a writer!

[There is a brief pause, as Link fumes angrily and Navi thinks about that]

Link: Hmmph... Stupid fiery-walley-chasey room. I bet the author can't think of a song for this!

Navi: ... AUTHOR... hires... a WRITER...

Link: I hate this place! This temple sucks! I WANT TO FIND THE HAMMER SO I CAN BREAK JUNK!

Navi: Well, if we keep going, we'll be able to FIND the hammer, silly!

Link: I ain't waitin' that long! I want a large destructive tool, NOW!

Navi: Now you're being childish!

Link: [pulls out the Gasoline of Time again] Here... I'll just pour some of this...

Navi: What are you doing?!

Link: Skipping over more of the temple, what else?

Navi: With gasoline?! Come on Link, the author already did that joke!

Link: But it worked! We skipped over half the temple already, and logically, half of the stupid song!

Navi: But we can't do it again! It won't be funny!

Link: I didn't think it was funny THE FIRST TIME. Come on, Navi, the author is OBVIOUSLY not into writing this chapter of the story, so why bother singing it?! Let's just do the author and the readers and us a favor and pour gasoline all over the flames in here.

Navi: We'll be killed!

Link: No we won't! Remember last time?! We'll just skip up about two floors! We'll land completely unharmed, and if this dungeon map is correct, right in the room with the Megaton Hammer in it!

Navi: [dumbfounded] Link, are you acting stupid again, or do you actually think that that's a good idea?

Link: What are you talking about Navi, I'm a ten year old trapped in the body of a seventeen year old. I'm ALWAYS acting stupid.

Navi: ... Good point. But come on Link, we can't do the gasoline fireball joke again... It won't be funny, and it's a really lame way to skip parts of the temple.

Link: Well what else can we do?!

Navi: We can stop being lazy and go through the temple like Heroes of Time and their guardian fairies SHOULD do!

Link: But... but... [eyes tear up] but... but Navi... THE AUTHOR!

Navi: The author needs to get used to it!

Link: BUT... BUT... THERE ARE NO PRETTY GIRLS IN HERE...

Navi: Get over it! We're GOING to save the day! For Little Link, remember!?

Link: [sad puppy face] BUT NAVIIII...

Navi: [turns away from him] DON'T look at me like that! Now, come on, Link! [bursts into song, "Through the Night" again]
We've got to save the Gorons!

Link: [grumbling angrily]
The author is a moron!

Navi: [takes the gasoline can away from him]
We can't use explosives to go higher!

[They leap through the room, frantically dodging the wall of flame]

Navi:
The Dice of Fate, we'll roll-e 'em!

Link: [still pouting, even as he dodges heroically]
I WANT MY DARN PETROLEUM.

Navi: [glares at him, but continues]
WE'LL SAVE THE DAY IN THIS TEMPLE OF FIRE!

[Link and Navi reach the mega-large flame maze just as the song launches into a rock and roll guitar instrumental. Very cool. Jets of flame and pyrotechnics are busting out of everywhere, and Link and Navi continue singing to "Standing Outside the Fire"]

Link, Navi, Chorus:
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!

Navi:
We both work like mules

Link: [clenches his fist furiously]
By DIN, WHERE'S MY FUEL?!

Link, Navi, Chorus:
WE ARE FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!
[Violins join the guitars in the instrumental]
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!

Navi:
Victory's close, we'll grip it!

Link: [still pouting]
Why can't we just SKIP it?

Link, Navi, Chorus:
WE'RE ALL FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!
[The violins reach a crescendo as Link races to outrun the wall of fire that has faded at the end of the room]
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!

Navi:
As time takes it cruel toll

Link:
I'm searching for petrol, as I'm

Link, Navi, Chorus:
FIGHTING AMONGST THE FIRE!

[Abrupt song change, Link is seen dancing towards the next room surrounded by a selection of pretty showgirls in Goron tunics]

Link: [To "Getting Hot In Here" by (ick) Sisqo]
IT'S GETTING HOT IN HEEEERE!
SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!

Showgirls:
I AM... GETTING SO HOT!
I'M GONNA TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF!

[Showgirls remove their Goron tunics, scream in agony, and burn up instantly]

Link: [stops singing, screams in horror] NOOOO!!!! [sobbing]

Navi: ...

[For about ten minutes, Link is seen moping around the ashes of the poor HO Showgirls. Navi finally taps him on the shoulder]

Navi: Are you going to live?

Link: I lose more showgirls that way...

Navi: [pats him on the shoulder] There, there.

Link: [stands up, sniffles] Ah, well... I guess I'll have to wait for Zelda to come back.

Navi: [stunned] Zelda?! I thought you liked Saria!

Link: ... EWWW! SHE'S A LITTLE KID!

Navi: But before that, you liked MALON!

Link: No, no, I like a little bit of royal charm in my ladies. [suavely raises his eyebrows]

Navi: Dear Goddesses... [rolls eyes]

Link: [shrugs, opens the door to the next room] Good news Navi... That showgirl scene proved something. The author doesn't want me to whine about the temple anymore! [winks at camera] She'll do AAANYTHING to keep me happy! WAHAHAHA! MORE SHOWGIRLS, MORE, MORE!

[Link and Navi find themselves in the SUB-BOSS ROOM! OOOOH!]

Link: [claps] HEY! I SAID MORE SHOWGIRLS!

[With no shortage of panache, the Flare Dancer leaps out of the fire in the center of the room, laughing maniacally and spinning around and generally looking rather freaky.]

Flare Dancer: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Link: [pulls out his sword] AIE! THAT'S NOT A SHOWGIRL!

Navi: ... Is that monster male or female?

Link: ... Y'know, I'm not sure! But it ain't a showgirl, so it's going DOWN.

Flare Dancer: [spinning around wackily] WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! [sends out the little mutant flames that chase you around]

Link: AIEEEE! OOOH, KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!

Navi: Listen up! It's a Flare Dancer! It's a big creepy spinning thing on fire, and its weak point is that little black cannonball-looking thing in the middle of it all!

Link: I swear, the monster-makers were on drugs when they did this temple!

Navi: Say, Link... What do you get when you cross Britney Spears with a pyromaniac?

Link: I don't know Navi, what do you get?

Navi: Something that blows fire. [pa-dum, CHIII!]

Link: HAHAHAHAHA.

Navi: That was a vague clue that the monster has just attacked you with a burst of flame, and your tights are melting.

Link: AAGGH! THAT'S IT, DIE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

[An intense, "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon"-esque fight scene ensues, with random explosions of fire every few minutes because as everyone knows, we are all distracted by such things.]

Link: [to "Standing Outside the Fire"]
Dude, your clothes are on fire!
[wild violins]
Dude, your clothes are on fire!

Navi: [leaps out of the way of the Flare Dancer, who is psycho diving around]
That monster is crazy!

Chorus Singers:
THE AUTHOR IS LAZY!
SO WE'LL JUST SAY THE FIGHT'S EXPIRED!

Flare Dancer: WAHAAHHAHAA- [screams in agony, explodes into shrapnel all over the room and vanishes]

Link: WOO! I DA MAN!

Navi: Hey, look! The platform has become a large elevator that we can ride up on!

Link: Yay! This temple IS for lazy people like me!

[Navi and Link board the platform and ride up, to gentle elevator music that has come out of nowhere. Far in the back of the music, though, we can hear an unmistakably familiar rap/hip hop beat...]

(Scene: The next room. It is a large, large, LAAAARGE spiral staircase leading up to a treasure chest engulfed in flames)

Link: Say, that looks like an important treasure chest to me, Navi.

Navi: I'm sure it is!

Link: [eyes widen slowly] Wait a sec... [digs the dungeon map out of his pocket and unfolds it, studying it carefully]

Navi: What is it? [flutters over his shoulder curiously]

Link: [eyes widen] Can it be...?! Could it possibly be...?

Navi: What?

Link: IS IT... [digs the compass out of his pocket and studies it] North by Northwest... On the east side... [a tremendous grin strikes his face like lightning] OH DIN, YES!

Navi: What?!

Link: I'VE FOUND IT!!! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[Link drops the map and compass in his excitement, and stomps roughly on a large switch conveniently placed next to them.]

Navi: HEY! [points at the chest at the far end of the staircase] Look, Link! The flames on the chest have gone down! But you'd better hurry, the flames will-

[No sooner does Navi say this, than Link reaches the chest, with a great world record time of 1.0345 seconds.]

Navi: ... O.O?!

Link: [clutching the chest, stroking it lovingly, crying] I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME!

Navi: ... WOW. When that boy gets motivated, there's no telling what he's able to do!

[Navi hurries her butt over to the chest just in time to see Link reach inside and pull out a beautiful, shiny, steel, silver-plated, ebony-handled Legendary Hammer of the Gorons AKA Megaton Hammer! Link stares at it for a second, grips it in his hands, gives it a little swing, and stands there, looking at it seriously]

Link: This... this is the beautiful, shiny, steel, silver-plated, ebony-handled Legendary Hammer of the Gorons AKA Megaton Hammer...

Navi: Yeah! The weapon of legend that defeated Volvagia [throws arms up] the first time around, and the whole reason this temple was built...

Link: [looks serious, speaks in a serious tone] With this weapon of power and glory, I will smash in the skull of that accursed dragon and save the hides of my Sworn Brother and good friend Darunia, and the entire Goron race...

Navi: That's right... Do you think you can do it?

Link: This hammer... is the Goron's most powerful weapon...

Navi: [raises eyebrows] Yeah... we said that.

Link: This hammer... can smash anything into itty-bitty pieces with one or two swings...

Navi: ... Yes, that fact has been established.

[There is a moment of silence, and Link continues staring at the hammer solemnly. Navi decides to let him act like a real hero for a change and doesn't say anything. Suddenly, there is a loud, high-pitched, ear-shattering scream.]

Sound FX: SCREEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!

Navi: AAAH! [freaks out, looking around quickly] Oh no! Link, was that a Goron in trouble?!

Link: [bursts into tears, sobbing and clutching the hammer close to him like it's his first born child] NO, THAT WAS JUST ME! WAAAAAHHH!

Navi: Link, what's the matter with you?! You're crying like a baby!

Link: [cradles the hammer] I HAVE NEVER BEFORE OWNED SOMETHING THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE COOLNESS OF THIS SINGULAR OBJECT! I HAVE NEVER EVEN IMAGINED EVER HOLDING SOMETHING THIS UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! THIS IS THE BEST, COOLEST, MOST IMPRESSIVE THING I HAVE EVER HAD!

Navi: What about the Ocarina of Time?! Or the Master Sword?!

Link: NOTHING! NOTHING IS COOLER THAN THIS HAMMER!

Navi: ... Oh BROTHER. [rolls eyes]

Link: [sobbing, as the hip-hop beat in the background gains a cheerful violin solo] I'VE COME SO FAR... I WAS ONCE A SAD LITTLE FRIENDLESS LOSER IN THE FOREST, WITH NO HOPE FOR A FUTURE... BUT NOW, NOW, I AM A STUDLY HUNKY HERO WITH A HAMMER THAT KICKS THE BUTT OF EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

Navi: Well, I'm happy for you Link. [pats his back, smiles nervously]

[Link sits there, cradling his hammer for a few minutes and generally being happy while Navi sits nervously above, waiting for him to snap out of it. Finally, with a loud snort, Link stands up, wields the Megaton Hammer over his head, and shouts out a declaration]

Link: [triumphantly] Brother Darunia, for this gift you have given me, I swear I shall wield it mightily and use it to bring about the destruction of the evil dragon Volvagia!

[Link throws his arms up and releases his grip on the hammer as per the sick Volvagia joke, sending it clomping down on his skull [THONK!] and sending him to the ground like a sack of wet mice.]

Link: [laying on the ground, out cold]

Navi: AAGGGH! [flutters down to his aid] LINK! LINK! ARE YOU OKAY?! Oh jeez, he has a giant hammer for five minutes and he's already hurt himself with it! LINK! LIIINK! SPEAK TO ME!

[Navi flies towards his face and starts slapping him across the cheeks, trying to awaken him. Meanwhile, the hip-hop beat cuts out completely]

Navi: ... Link...? Are you... dead?

Link: ...

Navi: Link...?

[Navi screams as his head suddenly and immediately snaps up and the hip hop beats start up again. He grins widely at the camera and bursts into song: WAIT... SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHICH ONE! I bet you can, go ahead, try it! Go ahead, guess... Come on... I'm sure you can do it! It's...


"Can't Touch This/Hammer Time" by MC Hammer!!! HA! I TOLD YOU!]

Link:
HAMMER TIME!

Navi: GWAAA!

[Link leaps to his feet, grabs the hammer, and begins dancing back down the spiral staircase with it, generally getting his freak on and strutting his funky stuff.]

Link: [humming to the tune]
DOOO DOO DOO DOO... DOODOO...
DON'T TOUCH THIS!
DOOO DOO DOO DOO... DOODOO...
YA DON'T TOUCH THIS!

[slides on his knees over to the platform thingy that you knock down]

Hey yo, me hero
Ganondorf's the man, stop him if I can
But HEY! OKAY!
I'm fine with it as long
As I get hold this hammer all the time!
Don't mess with me!
I'm tough, you see?
My hammer gonna [slams the hammer down] WHOMP
Down on your skull, FOO!

Navi: ... [groans disgustedly as Link prances around the next room, slamming random things with the hammer]

Link:
But they's one rule that y'all foos have gotta know...
DON'T TOUCH THIS! [clutches the hammer to his chest defensively]
DOOO DOO DOO DOO... DOODOO...
YA DON'T TOUCH THIS!
HAMMERTIME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [blah blah blah, staircase]
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN, RESCUED A COUPLE MORE GORONS, AND FOUND THE ROOM WHERE THE SECOND FLARE DANCER IS LURKING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The second Flare Dancer room. The author has mercilessly smashed all of the songs from this section together into one giant mishmash of rock guitars, violins, hip-hop drums and etc, creating one big dramatic theme that plays as Link stares into the central fire seriously)

Link: [wields the hammer] COME OUT AND FIGHT, IDJIT!

Flare Dancer 2: HWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Navi: THE HAMMER, LINK! THE HAMMER!

Link: I'm WAAAY ahead of you!

[Link leaps upon the monster with all the fury of a rabid hamster, and starts SMASHING it to bits with the Megaton Hammer. At first, the monster tries to fight, but soon it's getting pummeled into the ground with blow after blow on the hammer, and soon it's a little puddle of mush on the... GROSS!]

Link: HOOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: [dives out of the way of monster debris] AGH!

Link: WHOAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Navi: Link, CALM DOWN! I think it's dead now!

[Link still laughs maniacally for a few minutes, then gradually seems to calm himself down enough to stop. He gazes down at the puddle of monster below him, and is immediately sobered.]

Link: [drops the hammer] What... what... what have I done?! What have I become... When given the mysterious and very cool power of a large hammer... I've...

Navi: ... That was disgusting! But kinda cool.

Link: [staring at his hands] I've become a monster...

Navi: [rolls eyes] Oh GODDESSES. Link... [taps his shoulder]

Link: What? I'm brooding, can't you tell... [gazes at his hands again] With these hands... I...

Navi: You're too late. You've already been brooding about being trapped in the body of an adult. You are no longer allowed to whine about any of your other problems, because then the fan fic writers will make you out to be an angsty, suicidal, wrist-cutting loser boy.

Link: [immediately cheers up] Are you sure?

Navi: Positive. But er... Link... Don't you think you should turn your large hammer's attention to Volvagia [throws arms up]? I mean, we did leave Darunia in there alone with him... He's probably dragon poop by now.

Link: Oh ye of little faith. [picks up the hammer, slings it over his shoulder] But I suppose you're right. [lifts up the edge of his hat, grins heroically] Let's go bust some dragon brains!

Navi: NOW you're speaking my language!

Link: Glowing ping-pong balls have a language?

Navi: [smacks him around]

Link: OW!!

Random Goron Who Has Appeared Randomly: Oh! Brother Link!

Link: Yes? [rubbing his face from where Navi smacked him]

RGWHAR: AAGGH, BROTHER LINK, WHAT HAPPENED TO BIG BROTHER DARUNIA?!

Link: Didn't GG finish that years ago? [pa-dum, CHIII!]

Navi: [yells at the camera] GODDESSES, enough self-insertion, GG!

[Same glittering shot of the same pro-GG neon sign from practically every other chapter thus far]

RGWHAR: [sobbing] B-B-Big Brother went off to fight V-V-Volvagia [t-t-throws arms up] alone?! How could he be so reckless?!

Link: We're talking about the guy who's dancing skills have been known to make people have brain aneurysms.

RGWHAR: [throws self at Link's feet] OH PLEASE, BROTHER LINK! PLEASE SAVE BIG BROTHER! I... I LOVE HIM! I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE EATEN BY A DRAGON!

[Link and Navi eye each other suspiciously as the very sensitive Goron sobs at his feet, blowing his nose on Link's tunic several times]

Link: Um... You love him that much, huh?

RGWHAR: [bursts into Elton John's "Grey Seal"]
We live the great good life of Goron!
Eating rocks rolling around all day from dusk to-

Link: NOOO! NO, NO, NO, NO NOOOOO! NO MORE SINGING GORONS, NONE! NO! [closes his hand over RGWHAR's mouth]

RGWHAR: [mumbling something unintelligibly, sounds suspiciously like more singing]
BIBGGBRTODDGHGHGMAAMEEGGHHHMM!

Navi: Link... [eyes wide]

Link: I was destroyed mentally by one dancing Goron, the last thing I need is to relive the trauma on a smaller scale!

Navi: No offense Link, but I think you're pretty much traumatized beyond help. You are wearing a dress, after all.

Link: ... TUNIC. [irked, releases the random Goron] Okay... look, buddy... I promised Darunia that I'd help him by releasing all you guys... I don't remember saying anything about saving him in addition.

Navi: Yes, you did.

Link: [puzzled] I did?

Navi: Yes... You must have forgotten when you hit yourself in the head with the hammer.

Link: ... [alarmed] I CAN'T REMEMBER MY PIANO LESSONS!

Navi: What are you talking about? You grew up in Kokiri Forest, you never TOOK piano lessons!

Link: ... Oh yeah. Well... All right... I suppose I'd better get going then... I really just wanted to off the dragon for the heck of it, but if it's to save Darunia, I guess that's good too.

RGWHAR: THANK YOU! THANK YOU BROTHER LINK! [scampers off, screaming madly]

Link: ... Okay. I think the author's getting desperate.

Navi: Duh.

(Scene: The large, dramatic boss door before Volvagia[throws arms up]'s lair. Link is standing before it, gazing up at it in awe.)

Link: AWEEEEE...

Navi: Do you think you're ready?

Link: Absolutely not.

Navi: Why? You've got the Legendary Hammer... Didn't Darunia say that that was the only guaranteed way to kill it?

Link: Well yes, but keep in mind that my hammering skills only extend as far as the few monsters and things that I have mashed to an oblivion so far.

Navi: Yes... but you are the Hero of Time. Don't ya think that should count for something?

Link: [shrugs] Only one way to find out. [the door slides open dramatically, Link pauses, equally dramatically, and enters the lair of Volvagia [throws arms up]

(Scene: A large and hospitable room with a huge "island" of rock in the middle of a sea of hot liquid magma, exploding fireballs, and other fun pyromaniac-type things. Link leaps down onto a platform, and then onto the island, the hammer held over his head.)

Link: [glares around the room, yells] ALL RIGHT, YOU STUPID DRAGON! GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT LIKE... A DRAGON!

Navi: Way to be intimidating.

Link: Crud, I don't see Darunia anywhere! He must have been overpowered by Volvagia...

[Link throws his arms up and releases the hammer, which knocks him on the head and sends him to the ground like a bag of hammers landing on the pixellated head of a video game character]

Navi: AAGGH, LINK! [flutters down near his face] Link! Link! Wake up! This is no time to be napping!

Link: [unconscious]

Navi: LIINK! [slaps his face] Hurry up Link, wake up!

[Suddenly, the ground rumbles ominously]

Navi: [eyes widen] Uh oh... That ominous rumbling of the ground could only mean one thing...

Volvagia: [explodes out of the ground with a mighty roar in all his/her/its snaky glory] REAARRGGGHHHHHHH!

Navi: [terrified, slapping Link harder] LINK! LINK! LINK! AAAGGGGHHHHH! LINK, PLEASE WAKE UP! IT'S...



Subterranean Lava Dragon: VOLVAGIA! [text man throws arms up]

[An ominous, pounding beat in the background as Volvagia [throws arms up] snakes around in circles for the sheer purpose of wasting ten thousand dollars of budget money. He growls ferociously, throwing his arms over his head as he begins to sing in a low, growling tone.]

Volvagia: [roughly to the tune of "Bicycle Race" by Queen, the Boss Battle Song]
REREEEAARRGGH!
REEREEARRGGHH!
RREEEREEARRGH!

Navi: [frantically slapping Link, now also singing]
Oh Link, please wake up!

[Link remains lying there, unconscious. Volvagia snakes his way over to him, and sniffs his still body hungrily]

Volvagia: [still roughly singing]
RREERREEARRRGH!
RREREEARRGGHHH!

Navi: [shrieks, hits Link harder] LINK! LINK! LIIIINK!

[Navi let out a short scream as Link leaps to his feet and whacks Volvagia good in the skull, sending the dragon into a fury of rage]

Link: [singing]
I want to crush things in one blow
With my big hammer now...
I want to make bad guys scream "WHOA!
UH OH! HOLY COW!" and the like...

[Link dances around in circles with the hammer while Volvagia watches him, rubbing his head and snarling viciously]

Link: [points at Navi]
Dragon's black!

Navi:
And he's mean!

Link:
And he growls!

Navi:
How obscene!

Link: [smiles mischievously, backs up to Volvagia, who is stunned at the Hero of Time's ability to dance after a whack in the head]
You say "FIRE!"
And I say hey man, I've got cold packs in my pants and my tunic's cotton!

Navi: [getting into it]
Got a won-

Link:
-derful voice!
But you leave-

Navi:
-us no choice!
I say "NO!"

Link:
You can't go on
Eating Gorons, eating men, spreading terror cause you can!
TIME FOR ME TO USE MY...

Chorus Singers:
BIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIG HAMMER!

[Link walks right up to Volvagia, who is still watching him in confusion, and smacks him right on the noggin. This sends the snaky dragon into a rage, as he plunges down into the ground and pops back up a moment later, where Link meets him and bops him on the head again. Volvagia snarls in anger, and flies up into the ceiling, where he makes boulders tumble down]

Link:
I want to use my...

Chorus Singers:
BIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIG HAMMER!

Link: [dancing, easily sidestepping all of the boulders]
I want to crush things in one blow!
With my hammer of might!
I want to stamp out rampant violence!
And fight for what is-

[Volvagia [throws arms up] flies back down and takes a dive at Link, who steps out of the way and sends the dragon smacking into the wall behind him. He laughs hysterically and continues the song, pirouetting with the hammer spinning and whacking Volvagia [throws arms up] every time he attempts to slash at Link, which is quite often. Soon, Volvagia [throws arms up] is repeatedly slamming into Link, who is repeatedly knocking him away with a pirouette spinning thing.]

Chorus Singers:
LEGENDARY HAMMER IS COMING DOWN FAST

Link:
ON YOUR HEAD AND IT HURTS MUCH, OH YEAH...

Chorus Singers:
BRAINS FLYING OUT MESSING UP MY NEW SHOES

Link:
BUT I MUST KEEP ON WHACKING, OH YEAH...

[Volvagia [throw arms up] is now sitting near Link, extremely dizzy from the multiple head wounds, as Link dances up to him and raises the hammer over his head]

Chorus Singers:
RAISE IT UP!
GRIP SET!
GO!

THONK!

[Link thwacks him once more, knocking him into the ground with a roar, continues dancing to rock guitars and groovy rhythms]

Chorus Singers:
BIIIIIG!

Link and Navi:
HAMMER TIME!

Chorus Singers:
BIIIIIG!

Link and Navi:
HAMMER TIME!

Chorus Singers:
BIIIIIG!

Link and Navi:
HAMMER TIME!

[Rock guitars, Link does a fancy ballerina spin and taps the reeling Volvagia [throw arms up] on the shoulder]

Chorus Singers:
BIIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIIG HAMMER!

Link: [throws his arm over Volvagia[throw arms up]'s shoulder, singing to him now, and moving the hammer back and forth. The dizzy dragon follows it with his eyes.]
I want to use my

Chorus Singers:
BIIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIIG HAMMER!
BIG HAMMER, BIG HAMMER
BIG HAMMER

Link, Chorus Singers:
RIGHT IN YOUR...
FACE!

[With that, Link bonks Volvagia [throw arms up] in the nose with the hammer, sending him plopping to the ground once more. A chorus of hammers banging on various steel items and rock guitars break into the song and Link ballet dances to it, using the hammer to prop himself up on the difficult moves]

Link: HEY! [bursts into song again, popping up from all corners of the platform and confusing Volvagia [throw arms up] like crazy]
You say "OUCH!"

Navi:
There's some pain!

Link:
I just mashed

Navi:
Out your brain!

Chorus Singers:
GOOD LORD!

Link:
I say "HEY MAN!"
Dragon never gonna be a rocket scientist anymore!

Chorus Singers:
WHAT A SMILE!

Link: [makes a cute face, slings the hammer over his shoulder]
I'm so sweet!

Chorus Singers:
THOUGH HE IS

Link: [pinches his stomach]
Made of meat!

Chorus Singers:
FORTY WHACKS!

Link:
I say "Goodness
Don't you think that I can do much better if I wanna do?"
Because I'm armed with this, a

[Link breaks into the finale, spinning all around and whacking Volvagia [throw arms up] anywhere he can get a hit in]

Chorus Singers and Navi:
BIIIIG HAMMER!

Link: YEAH!

Chorus Singers and Navi:
BIIIIG HAMMER!

Link: HEY!

All:
BIIIIG HAMMER!

Link:
I love to use my

Chorus Singers and Navi:
BIIIIIG HAMMER!
BIIIIIG HAMMER!

Link: COME ON!

Chorus Singers and Navi:
BIIIIIG HAMMER!

Link:
I want to use my big hammer
Use it to prove my might...
I want to use my big hammer
AND NOW I'M GONNA WIN THIS FIGHT!

[With a mighty leap, Link hurls himself into the air and as Volvagia [throw arms up] watches in terror, throws himself down with the force of... a guy with a big hammer. The hammer splits Volvagia[throw arms up]'s skull into a big puddle of mush, and the dragon drops dead on the ground, no match for the singing, dancing Hero of Time]

Link: [takes a long bow, panting with exhaustion]

Navi: [pauses, stares at Volvagia[throw arms up]'s dead body] ... Wow! Link, that was INCREDIBLE!

Link: Thank you. [puts his hammer away]

Navi: Where did you learn to do that?! I never knew you could dance like that!

Link: Luckily, when I hit myself in the head with the hammer, I lost my piano lessons by I remembered my ballet lessons.

Navi: ... You never took ballet.

Link: Of course I did. Where do you think I got these tights?

Navi: ... Anyway... [sadly] We killed Volvagia [throw arms up] and saved Death Mountain... but... Darunia...

Link: Let's go to the Chamber of Sages... [steps into the warp portal] And we'll see if we saved the Sage in time...

[Link and Navi warp away to the Chamber]

(Scene: Outside Death Mountain, in Kakariko Village, the villagers and the Gorons who have gathered watch the evil cloud around the mountain vanish. A familiar rhythm jams in the background and they all burst into song.)

LL: [singing]
An evil cloud... over the mountain...
Has vanished back... to where it came from...
Somethiiiiing... something has happened...
But something tells me that it is-

[The Gorons and Villagers join into a gigantic dance line and hit it]

Villagers and Gorons:
THIS IS THE REAL ENDING OF THE AGE OF VOLVAGIA! [throw their arms up]
AGE OF VOLVAGIAAAAAA [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAA! [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAA! [throw arms up]

Villagers and Gorons:
No more random bad eruptions!
No more boulders on our houses!

Female Villagers:
This gives hope to our beaten people
Maybe someday, everything will-

Male Villagers/Gorons:
Be all right, happy and free now...

Female Villagers:
And we'll receive our liberation...

All:
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAA! [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAA! [throw arms up]

LL: [steps out in front, to "Lovely Rita"]
BRO-THER LINK... HAS... SAVED THE DAY...
NOW HIS... HEROIC... BUTT I'LL PAY...
HE REALLY CAME THROUGH NOW, EH?
I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM SOMEDAY...

[The song ends in a sparkling fizzle of hippie love and flowers. Yay.]

(Scene: The Chamber O' Sages. "Nowhere Man" echoes in the background, sung by Rauru and the Ancient Sages, with Saria's voice ringing loud and clear. Link and Navi hover down and land on the Triforce mark, as the Fire Seal begins to glow. Make appropriate sound effects and wave your cursor around like crazy)

Rauru, Saria, Ancient Sages:
HERO MAN... PLEASE HURRY
THIS RELIEVES... SOME WORRY
THE FIRE SAGE... HAS COME HERE TO LEND A HAAA-AAA-AAAAA-AAAAND.
BUT THERE'S STILL... THREE OTHERS
SAVE OUR SAGE...LY BROTHERS
AND GANON'S RULE... WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO STAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAND...

[Much to our surprise (not), Darunia rises into the Chamber, grinning like an idiot]

~~~~ THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS ONCE AGAIN BEEN NOMINATED FOR A TONY AWARD BECAUSE OF ITS SHEER EMOTION AND DRAMA. PLEASE ENJOY. THANK YOU.~~~~

Link: [gasps, puts out his hand like he's trying to grab something, but then stops] Da... Darunia?

Darunia: Brother Link...

Link: [voice downcast] You're... The Sage of Fire?

Darunia: [nods officially] I guess so... Funny, isn't it...? That I, the Wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire? Who'd a thought it, huh?

Link: But... [voice breaks] You're my friend... I don't want you to have to be a Sage just because of me!

Darunia: [snorts] Brother... part of becoming an adult is realizing that you have to do some things that you don't want to do.

Navi: [sniffs, blows her nose]

Darunia: Like you becoming the Hero of Time... and me becoming the Fire Sage and having to leave my mind-numbingly adorable little son behind.

Link: [slightly angrily] It's not fair... Why does this have to happen to people I care- [pauses, corrects self]- hold slight emotion for?

Darunia: That's just the way things go, Brother... It must be what they call destiny...

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

[There is a moment of silence. Darunia and Link gaze around, severely weirded out by the Chorus Singers. Finally, Darunia, clears his throat and continues.]

Darunia: But don't worry. Once you awaken the other three Sages and we defeat Ganondorf by your side, everything will go back to normal... So it's only goodbye for a little while.

Link: [nods] I'll do my best to awaken the other Sages... I promise!

Darunia: Brother, thank you for what you did for me. You saved the entire Goron race from destruction, and killed that darn annoying dragon with his redundant arm-throwing-up joke name. As proof of your victory, take this medallion. It holds the power of the Fire Sage... and my friendship.

[Darunia raises his hands, and the bright red Fire Medallion falls from the ceiling. It klunks Link on the head, but then he catches it and holds it up while the Chorus Singers take over]

Chorus Singers:
JUST BECAUSE...
YOU WERE NOT A LIAR!
DARUNIA...
THE SAGE OF FIRE!
PRESENTS YOU WITH THIS MEDALLION!
AND ADDS... HIS POWER... TO YOURS...

[Soft piano chords open another sappy song]

Link: [singing opera]
Another friend gone...
Another Sage awake
Another temple down...
How much more of this can I take?
Goodbye... Again...
Another... friend...
How many more times must I say... goodbye?

Darunia: [opera-like]
Be a man... Little Brother
You can take... so much more
Just be brave... And I promise
Things will be just like they were before

Link and Darunia: [opera duet]
Crazy dances...
Drums and chants...
Though neither one of us is wearing pants!
We'll always be... best friends you see...
Sworn Brothers all... eternity...

Link:
Big Brother Darunia...

Darunia:
Link, the Hero of Time...

Both:
We'll dance like loons again someday...
SOME... DAY... WE'LL... DANCE... LIKE... LOONS.

[Link and Navi begin to rise out of the chamber as the blue light around them closes into a crystal, and Darunia waves goodbye]

Darunia:
Brother 1...

Link:
Brother 2...

Both:
I GUESS... I... WILL... SEEEEEEEEEE...
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

~~~~~~~ END OF TONY AWARD-NOMINATED SCENE~~~~~~~~

[There is a loud, ear-splitting shatter as Darunia's singing breaks the crystal, sending Link plummeting back down with a terrified scream]

Link and Navi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

[They slam into the floor of the chamber, smashing right through and tumbling down, down, DOOOOOOOOOOOWN. Darunia gazes down into the huge space, biting his lip, and cringing as he hears a gigantic WHAM.]

Link and Navi: [from far, far below] ... AGGGHHHH!

Darunia: [makes a face] ... Ow. Uh... [yells down into the hole] SORRY ABOUT THAT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE... A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE... A LOOOOOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
THERE WAS A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN, AND THEY SOMEHOW GOT BACK TO HYRULE AND LINK AND NAVI WENT TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME BECAUSE WE SAID SO!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: The Temple of Time. Link steps calmly into the room where Sheik has been patiently standing since the beginning of the Fire Temple.)

Sheik: [nods greetings] Excellent... You have awakened the Sage of the Forest... but remember, there are still other Sages who need your help.

Link: What are you talking about? I just awakened Darunia as the Sage of Fire! You're stuck two chapters back!

Sheik: [pauses] ... Wait... [pulls out his copy of the script, flips through]

Navi: [also reading through her script] Wait a minute! We were supposed to come back here after the Forest Temple!

Sheik: JEEZ. [sighs, puts away his script] You guys screwed me up!

Link: Hey, sorry...

Sheik: Why are you here NOW, anyway?

Link: The Chorus Singers said we had to come here, so we did.

Sheik: Do you ALWAYS listen to the Chorus Singers?
Chorus Singers:
YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS.

Sheik: [gazes around] ... That is really creepy. Well anyway, since you're here, I'm gonna hit soliloquy mode. [clears throat, his theme plays in the background] AS you probably already know, Time is of the essence in this musical. Everything is "of Time". This temple is your headquarters, being the only place where Ganondorf's evil cannot touch. If you return the Master Sword, the sword of time, to the Pedestal of Time [gestures to the sword pedestal], you will travel back to your original time.

Navi: ... Original time? You mean... Link's NOT stuck in this body?

Sheik: Heck, no. He can be a kid again whenever he wants.

Link: [eyes widen, grins] HO BABY! [leaps at the Pedestal of Time, preparing to throw his sword back in]

Sheik: WAIT- [grabs him by the forehead] Let me finish talking!

Link: [gazing at the Pedestal impatiently] HURRY UP! I wanna have puberty!

Sheik: ... You're not missing much, trust me. [clears throat, his theme starts up again] There will come a time when you need to return here quickly. To do that, play the Prelude of Light that I am about to teach you.
__________________________________________
____^___________^___________________^_____
_________>___________>____________________
_____________________________<____________
__________________________________________

[Link quickly repeats the song, and they jam]

Sheik: [puts his harp back... wherever it came from] Good. Now... I will see you again, Link. Keep searching for the Sages.

Link: But where do I go now, Sheik?

Sheik: You have to figure that out for yourself. [throws a magic glowing light marble, vanishes] HUP!

Link: [shakes fist at where Sheik was] Stupid Sheikah!

Navi: Link, you can be a kid again!

Link: HECK YA! [leaps at the Pedestal]

Sheik: [reappears] Oh, by the way...

Link: [brakes]

Sheik: You're still the Hero of Time, even when you're a kid.

Link: WHAAAA?! BUT THAT'S A RIP-OFF!

Sheik: And the whole Ganondorf thing still happened, too. You're not off the hook yet.

Link: [kicks the ground] Aw, MAN.

Sheik: Sorry. [vanishes again]

Navi: ... That SUCKS!

Link: [sobs]

Navi: Aww, don't worry Link! [pats him on the shoulder] We'll awaken the next Sage soon, and we'll be one step closer to saving the world.

Link: [sniffles] Okay...

Navi: Now... let's see... We helped the Kokiri, we helped the Gorons... who else is there?

Link: There's the Zora, and the- [face pales] The... Zora.

Navi: [eyes widen] ... uh oh.

Link: [lip shaking] We don't have to go to Zora's Domain... d-do we?

Navi: I... I don't know... What if we do? What's the big deal?

Link: [gulps] Do you remember a certain person who I made a promise to when I was a kid?

Navi: ... Ruto? [crickets and thunder]

[Navi screams in rage as she hears the sound effects]

Navi: OH DON'T START THAT AGAIN!

[The sound FX guy hides behind a curtain]

Link: [sweating nervously] I told her I would marry her! If we go back there... sh-she... [wails]

Navi: But Link, what if she's dead? What if something really bad has happened to the Zora?

Link: We can only hope...

Navi: [indignant] LINK! THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY!

Link: That Fish Princess KILLED HYMIE!

Navi: [rolls eyes] Oh no... not Hymie again.

Link: [tightens his grip on his sword] I'd nearly forgotten... My closest and most trusted friend...

Navi: Oh THANKS. [huffs]

Link: [darkly, eyes narrow] Even though it might mean having to marry her... I must go back to Zora's Domain and have my revenge on the bloodthirsty murderer who stole my Hymie away from me seven years ago...

Navi: What a reason. Doesn't the fact that the Zora might be in really big trouble mean anything to you?

Link: [closes eyes] I promise, Hymie... I will not rest until you have been avenged.

Navi: To Zora's Domain, then?

Link: [points with his sword] To Zora's Domain!

[Triumphant music plays as Link runs as fast as he can past all the humpy zombies in Hyrule Marketplace, and out onto the field. He leaps onto Epona's back gracefully, and steers towards Zora's Domain, looking very heroic and serious]

Link: [thinking] Princess Ruto... I'm coming for you... And that really fat father of yours, too. THEY'RE ALL GOING DOW-

Navi: AHEM.

Link: [thinking] Er... well, maybe I'll see if I can find another Sage among you first... But then... OHHHH, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE! WHEN I GET TO ZORA'S DOMAIN... THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY!

Epona: Neigh.


~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE SEVENTEEN*~*~*~*~*~*~