Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Sixteen: Death Mountain & Goron City ( Chapter 16 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
Massacred- ehm... WRITTEN by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE SIXTEEN: A Deliriously Daffy Death Mountain Migration! (AKA Alliteration, Alliteration; Hallowed Be Thy Chapter Title)

In this scene...

Link, our oh-so-handsome Hero of Time!
Navi, the fairy!
Darunia, the LORD OF THE DANCE! (In a flashback)
Ganondorf, the Evil King! (In a flashback)
Volvagia, the evil dragon! (ditto)
Little Link, the adorable super-Goron!
A few random Kakarikan Citizens!
A big evil spinning cloud!
And guest starring those amazing Goron singing sensations...
MOVE ASIDE INDIGO-GOS: IT'S...
The Rockheads!

Oh yeah, and in another pointless, absolutely plotless, never-would-happen in the real game cameo:
Sheik and the Sheikah Dancers! (This is for you, Hime!)


(Scene: Hyrule Field, near Kakariko entrance. Link, riding on his majestic steed and Navi, fluttering close behind, are on their way to Kakariko to check out the strange cloud that Navi's been nagging about in annoying fairy mode for the entirety of the time it took me to publish the last chapter and write this one. The Chorus Singers, who are singing a parody of Rabbit Joint's cover of the old
Legend of Zelda theme, accompany them as they ride.)

Chorus Singers: (grooving)
LINK!
HE COME TO TOWN!
COME TO SEE
THE WACKY GORONS!
Their mountain's gone outta whack!
Glowing like firefly on crack!
But Link has come!
To get normal back!

HALLELUJIAH!

NOW LINK!
GET MOVING, FAST!
SOMETHING BAD-
IS UP ON MOUNTAIN!
You've got to hurry your hiney
Before Navi gets whiney!
Hurry up!
The Fire Sage is waiting, so don't GET BEHIND-Y...

[The song fades out as Link dismounts Epona and pats her on the nose]

Link: Good horsie! THAT'S A GOOD HORSIE!

Navi: [still in annoying fairy mode] LINK... THAT... CLOUD... THERE'S... SOMETHING...
STRANGE... ABOUT...

Link: [taps her gently] Uh... I know. That's why we're here. You can stop now.

Navi: [shakes herself off] ... Huh? What...? What have I been doing all this time...?

Link: [hugs her affectionately] Nothing... you were just having a bad nightmare, that's all.

Navi: [smiles drunkenly] Thanks, buddy... Hey... Didn't Sheik say that the second Sage temple was
"On a high mountain scene... neath the flames"?

Link: [stares up at the big, fiery spinning cloud, and sighs]

[Through the magic of sound effects and theater dramatics, Link speaks a long monologue, which echoes through the theater as the camera zooms in on his face, that is staring dramatically up at the cloud]

Link: My name is Link... I was born in the Kokiri Forest to the southeast, and I used to think that I was a Kokiri... until I learned the truth. I am a Hylian, and the Hero of Time, charged with protecting the land of Hyrule and the Princess Zelda from the evil Ganondorf, who I sort of accidentally let take over the world. I slept in the Sacred Realm for seven years, and awoke in the body of an adult... And now, I must awaken the rest of the Six Sages to stop Ganondorf's reign of terror and restore peace to Hyrule...

Navi: [taps him on the shoulder] Hey Link... Didn't that annoying bird thing say that if the cloud on Death Mountain is quote
"big and red and spinny
And looks like fire or something really evil
That means that something is out of order
So get your butt back here and check it out..." ... unquote?

Link: [still lost in monologue-ville] That owl... Goddesses, was he annoying. But now he's gone... A lot of people are gone... Some of them it might be a good thing. But... How many more people will disappear if I can't fulfill my duties as Hero of Time? I have saved the Kokiri... But what of the Gorons, and their leader, my Sworn Brother Darunia? What of the Zora, and their... Well, who cares about Ruto? But how many innocent people will die if I don't...

Navi: [pulls out an airhorn, blows it in his ear] HOW MANY MORE CLUES DO YOU NEED TO GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR AND HEADING UP THE MOUNTAIN?

Link: [still in monologue-ville...] I've always been the lonely one in my group... Saria was my only true friend growing up... And now, because of Ganondorf, the two of us have been ripped apart, perhaps forever... Will more of my friends become Sages, having to suffer because of what Ganondorf has done, and what I must do to stop him?

Navi: [thoroughly tired of waiting] HEY SHAKESPEARE! Come on, Link! Let's get going! Epona's eating your wallet.

Link: [still lost in monologue-ville, as Epona starts chewing on his wallet] Why does everything always have to rest on my shoulders...? Why is everything my fault?

Navi: [groans] Fine, ignore me, then.

Link: [drops to his knees, sings a reprise of "Anata no..." ... Long song with Japanese title.]
If only once more... Only once more...
I could live that moment when my childhood ended...
All of this stuff... Could be undone!
And I wouldn't be apart from my only friend...

[Finally, Navi gets frustrated with Link's endless soliloquies, and a gigantic glowing white woman's hand pops out of her body and smacks Link upside the head, throwing him to the ground violently.]

Navi: LISTEN, DAMMIT!

Link: EEYAIEEE! Jeez, SORRY!

Navi: [clears throat] NOW. Ahem... So, now that everybody reading this knows the entire plot of the game, let's get moving, shall we?

Link: [sits up, fixes his pants] RIGHT! There's a big evil glowing cloudy thingy over the mountain, and I can't WAIT for an excuse to blow it away!

[Link strikes a cheesy pose, and a tooth sparkle shines from his oversized grin]

(Scene: Kakariko Village. The villagers seem to still be stuck in the Kakariko song from two chapters ago, pacing around slowly and looking miserable. None of them seem to notice the evil red cloud surrounding the mountain and throwing a deadly glow all over the village.]

Villagers: [humming "Skid Row"]

Link: All right, you villagers! What can you tell me about this big creepy cloudy thingy?

Navi: I don't think they notice it, Link.

Link: [blinks confusedly] ...Whaddya mean? How could they NOT notice it?

Navi: It looks like they're just continuing their humdrum and oppressed daily lives.

Link: But how could they NOT notice that thing? I mean... JEEZ, LOOK AT IT! It sticks out like the mole on my butt!

Navi: ... I really don't think they've been programmed to notice it. I mean, considering that a thousand pounds of glowing embers and rocks are flying out of the volcano every second and littering themselves all over the village.

[True to Navi's prediction, fiery rocks and boulders begin raining down out of the sky, crushing several villagers and causing severe damage to several houses. The villagers are still pacing around, humming.]

Link: [shocked] Uh... Hey lady?

Random Lady: What is it, good sir?

Link: ... Your house just got smashed by a rock.

Random Lady: [stares at her house] ... Darn. There go my insurance rates.

Link: ... And I think your cow was inside.

Random Lady: [pulls a black veil out of her apron pocket, slides it over her face] Meh.

Navi: ... Ooookaaaay.

Link: [PO'ed] HOLY CRAP! THIS IS "DANTE'S PEAK" ALL OVER AGAIN!

Navi: [sadly] With Ganondorf around, things are so bad that everyone has to carry black veils around!

Link: I HATED THAT MOVIE! THOSE STUPID PEOPLE! JAMES BOND JUST KEPT TELLIN' EM, "EVACUATE NOW, YOU'RE LIVING ON AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!" But nooo, the stupid mayor's too busy watching her little brat kids and her little brat old lady mother-in-law, and lusting after his sexy body to pay much attention until WHAMM-O! THEY FIND ALL THESE NAKED TEENAGERS DEAD IN THE MOUNTAINS!

Navi: [fluttering near someone's foot sticking out from under a large rock] And it looks like they all have their names tattooed onto their feet to identify their mangled bodies when they find them torn apart by monsters.

Guy Under Rock: ... I'M... OKAAAAY!

Link: [clenches fist] AND THEN MAYOR LADY'S LIKE [high pitched voice] "Oh, help me, Mr. Geologist James Bond Guy!" and he's like, "I can't unless everyone believes me!" and then they keep finding all these toasted squirrels and stuff but his boss and everybody are still like, "OOOOH, BIG BAD VOLCANO'S GONNA GET US! I AM SOOO NOT SCARED!"

Navi: How could Ganondorf do this to these innocent people...? He's so terrible! I never could have imagined this...

Link: [still ranting] And then they go up there and the stupid freakin' fat boss guy gets his leg broken and then they're all sitting around and laughing at stupid fat boss man and then RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLERUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE... BAM! AND THEN THE LAVA COMES DOWN AND WIPES OUT THE WHOLE FREAKIN' TOWN AND ALL THESE CARS FALL INTO THE RIVER AND STUPID BOSS GUY GETS KILLED AND I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED! But then those stupid kids just HAAAAD to go up the mountain and save Grandma, even though she's an idiot and she won't leave and they're too young to even drive! And then James Bond has to come save them with dumb mayor lady, and then Grandma falls in the acid lake and dies and I laughed and laughed and laughed some more! And then they're all driving around the lava and they're like, "AGGH, WE'RE GONNA DIE!" And the lava's like, "BWAHAHAH, YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" And then they go in the stupid mine shaft and the whole town gets blown away and James Bond gets stabbed through the leg by a chunk of metal and then they get dug out by all the stupid townspeople who are like, "OH, MR. JAMES BOND, IT'S ALL OUR FAULTS! WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!" And he's like, "HA, SCREW YOU YOU STUPID PEOPLE! I'M GONNA DO IT WITH YOUR MAYOR AND THEN GO FISHING IN FLORIDA!" And then their whole town got ruined and it's like, THE END just because some moron townspeople didn't know AN ERUPTING VOLCANO WHEN THEY SEE ONE!!!

[Link takes a very deep breath. Navi is staring at him, and has been carefully pushing him out of the way of various chunks of rubble and large rocks raining down on the village.]

Navi: Are you quite finished?

Link: [pulls out a bottle of water, drinks it] Yes. Thank you. I had to get that out.

Navi: Now, if these idiots aren't going to notice the volcano is going to erupt, perhaps we should get going up there.

Link: Wait a sec... if the volcano's going to erupt, then why in the heck would we want to go up there ourselves?!

Navi: Because, silly. Darunia lives up there!

Link: Who?

Navi: ... Darunia! You know, big Goron dancing guy? [hums Saria's Song]

Link: WHOA! NO, NOT HIM!

Navi: What are you talking about!? He's a friend of ours!

Link: [sheepishly] Well yeah, but... I never really upheld my end of the Sworn Brother agreement... And I don't want to see any more singing Gorons or dancing Gorons or ANYTHING.

Navi: Why not? I thought their last number was very well choreographed and very well performed.

Link: And very ANNOYING. Why doesn't anyone ever since songs of praise to ME?

Navi: Maybe they will if you get your butt up the mountain and save them.

Link: ... Right. So, why are we gonna see Darunia?

Navi: BECAAAUSE, silly. He LIVES on the volcano. He'll know what's wrong, and he might know something about the Fire Sage!

Link: Or he might BE the Fire Sage...

Navi: Huh? Don't be silly. Why would it be him?

Link: Following the current pattern, the Sages are all going to be people who are my friends.

Navi: What about that big fat guy? What's-his-butt. He wasn't your friend.

Link: Yeah, but I have the strangest feeling that he was somehow involved with my care during the 7 years we were asleep... Or maybe like he dressed me in drag or something.

[GG's signature "SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION" sign drops down, with a cute winking chibi GG pointing you towards her profile for more FUNNY, FUN FANFICS THAT ARE ALSO CHEESY AND STUPID!]

Navi: Well anyway, enough standing around and talking. Let's get moving!

Link: I hope the rubble doesn't crush us, or destroy anything crucially important in town.

Navi: Heh... what's so important in this town?

Link: [snickering] Yeah, it's not like there's some evil vicious monster sealed back by a large rock at the bottom of the well that even the slightest touch of a chunk of rubble could crack and destroy, thereby letting the monster free to wreak havoc on the world.

[As they head up the mountain, a large burning chunk of rubble slams down into the bottom of the well. There is a big crashing noise. ... Uh oh...]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dancing]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI FOUND THEIR WAY UP THE MOUNTAIN, DODGING LARGE AND PAINFUL FLAMING BOULDERS AND STARING AT THE BIG CLOUDY THINGY, FINALLY MAKING IT TO GORON CITY...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Link and Navi arrive in Goron City. Link is covering his ears, and his eyes are tightly shut. Navi is leading him in by the arm. She pauses, looks around, and scratches her [invisible, fairy] head.)

Navi: Link... Wait a second... [lets go of his arm]

Link: What's going on? They're not gonna sing, are they? [hobbling forward]

Navi: Link, something strange is going on... There are no Gorons here!

Link: [oblivious, is walking towards the edge] And whatever you do, don't touch my ocarina! I don't wish to see a repeat performance of THAT psycho little number.

Navi: LINK!

Link: [takes one more step forward, turns around] What is it NaVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-SPLAT!

Navi: [cringes] ... Ow.

[Link is lying face down, spread eagle, three floors down on the walkway near one of the tunnels. Navi flutters down to him, pokes him, and tries to rouse him]

Navi: Well that was spectacular, Mr. Magoo. I warned you not to do that!

Link: ... OW.

Navi: Bet you wish you weren't a "soft thing" right now!

Link: [cringes, then sits up slowly] Something strange is going on, Navi. I can tell...

Navi: You mean you noticed the Gorons missing too?

Link: ... Gorons? What Gorons? I meant the smell! It smells TERRIBLE around here!

Navi: It's probably all the sulfur from the volcano acting up.

Link: Either that or the annual "Goron City Barbecue Cookout" they had yesterday. [he points to a colorful poster hanging on the wall]

Navi: But look, Link! There are NO Gorons around here!

Link: [stands up, brushes himself off] That can't be right... If there are no Gorons in Goron City, then they should just call it "City".

Navi: ... Right. Well, whatever you say, they're all gone!

Link: HEY! [stops for a moment, listening to the Goron City theme playing] If all the Gorons are gone, then HOW COME YOU CAN STILL HEAR THEM SINGING?! [glares at the ceiling, crossing his arms]

[The Gorons singing the GC theme suddenly start murmuring quietly back and forth to one another. Link and Navi stare up towards the sky, and finally...]

Singing Goron: He's right...

[Now all you can hear is the drumming and the little... guitar things.]

Link: Much better.

Navi: [holding her ears] I don't think so! That bass line is LOUD!

Link: What bass line?

Navi: That rumbling!

[Link pauses, looking around. Suddenly, he gasps and points up one more level]

Link: Navi, you idiot! Look! That's not the bass line, that's a GORON!

Navi: Huh?!

Link: Look, there!

[Sure enough, on the second floor down from the top, a little Goron is rolling around and around and around in circles.]

Navi: All right! Cool! Maybe he can tell us what happened to the others!

[In no time at all, with a fun musical accompaniment that replaces the singing Gorons with singing Chorus members, Link and Navi race up to the floor with the Goron, and watch him go spinning by a few times.]

Link: [sticks out his finger, speaking slowly, then speeding up, then slowing down again] Excuse me sir Goron, hello, I'm Link remember me I saved your butts seven years ago and... yeah, whatever.

[The Goron appears not to have heard him.]

Navi: He didn't see you, silly. You gotta step out in front of him!

[The next time the Goron comes around, Navi leaps in his path]

Navi: Hello little Goron, remember us? Link and his fairy? Hey, we were wondering if you'd AAAAGGH!

[Navi is squashed flat by the little Goron. The Goron rolls away, and Link steps out quickly, peering at her warily. He reaches down and pokes her]

Link: ... You okay?

Navi: [demented buzzing noise]

Link: ... Oooookay. For future reference, Navi will not be allowed to stop heavy moving objects.

[Link scoops her off of the floor with the Spatula of Time (It comes in a little secret compartment with the Master Sword's holster) and plops her down in his hat. He steps out and sticks out his hand, ready to intercept the little Goron]

Link: All right, little guy! STOP, IN THE NAME OF ME! I just need to ask you a few questions about- CRACK!

(A/N: ... Stop laughing. Drugs are not funny! That was just the sound effects, you... heh heh... well...)

[Unsurprisingly, our little rockine (feh heh... that's funny) friend does not hear Link, and he instead rolls right over Link's leg. Link pauses a moment, looks down at his obviously very badly fractured leg, and proceeds to scream like a woman]

Link: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGH MY GODDESS, MY FUTHERMUCKING LEG! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!

[And so, when the little Goron rolls around again, he comes face to face with Link, wrapping his hat around his leg to stop the gushing blood and Navi, untangling her wings begrudgingly. Somehow, through all the screaming, he STILL doesn't hear them.]

Navi: LITTLE A-HOLE! HMMPH! [sticks out her leg]

[As the Goron rolls by, he goes right over Navi's leg, apparently... "trips", and rolls, screaming in terror, over the edge of the floor and slamming into the one below.]

Little Goron: AAAAAIEEEEE!!! MY HEAD!

Navi: [celebrates] YEAH, SCORE! I GOT 'IM!

Link: [sobbing like a weenie, clutching his leg in agony and trying to straighten his knee back in the right direction] OWIEOWIEOWIE!

Navi: Link, look! [points down at the floor below] He's unconscious! Let's go get him!

Link: HOW? [points at his tibia, which is rather gruesomely poking out of his kneecap]

Navi: You big baby. You have a potion, right?

Link: ... Right. [Very quickly dumps a potion over his leg] ... Ow. Okay, let's go make that little sucker pay!

Little Goron: [from the floor below] HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! HOW, HOW?!

Link: [racing down the stairs to see him] I'll tell ya how, you rude little brat!

Navi: You nearly killed us!

Little Goron: YOU, YOU'RE GANONDORF'S SERVANTS, AREN'T YOU?!

Link: [pauses, just before reaching the dizzy little Goron] Say WHAA?

Little Goron: Well, I'M not afraid of you! You have no idea who you're messing with, do you?! WELL, I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON! HEAR MY NAME AND TREMBLE!

Navi: ... What's his name?

Little Goron: [turns, glares at Navi] Something REALLY intimidating! Something that strikes FEAR into the hearts of all enemies of ALL Gorons!

Link: [looking a little uneasy] What is it? "Psycho Killer Stan"?

Navi: "Panoony Booger Head"?

Link: [glances at her]

Navi: ... What?

Little Goron: No, it's more intimidating than ALL those things! YOU'D BETTER RUN AWAY NOW! I AM BRAVE... I AM STRONG... I... AM...

Link and Navi: [pause in suspense]

Little Link: LINK OF THE GORONS! [strikes a triumphant pose, a trumpet fanfare plays]

[There is a brief moment of silence. Link looks surprised, and Navi looks like someone at a funeral. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing hysterically]

Navi: LINK?! THAT is supposed to be intimidating?! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA! AHAHAHAHA, LINK! Y'HERE THAT LINK, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID OF...

Link: Shut up, Navi!

LL: [pauses, staring in awe] ... Huh? Did you... did you just call him Link?

Navi: [wiping tears out of her eyes] Yeah... LINK... SCARY... AAHAHAHAHAA...

LL: [eyes light up, get very large, he looks absolutely stunned] YOU'RE... LINK?! As in, THEE Link?

Link: ... Um... yes?

LL: Link, the Great Hero and Dodongo Buster, Link?!

Link: ... Uh... yeah... That's me.

LL: [lets out a shrill squeal of delight] AAAHHHHHHH! [tackles Link to the ground] AAAAHHHHH, IT'S YOU! IT'S REALLY YOU! AAIEEEE!

Link: [making a very pained face] OW! OW! OW, MY SPLEEN! AH, OH GOD, MY KIDNEY! AAAHH!

LL: I'VE WAITED ALL MY LIFE TO MEET YOU, LINK, YOU WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MAN!

Link: [ignoring the pain in his internal organs, glares at Navi, speaking in hoarse voice] Hear that Navi? I'm a MAAAAN.

Navi: I never doubted you. [rolls her eyes]

Link: [gently pushes LL off of him] Well hey, that's great kid... um... yeah... Glad to have a fan.

LL: Daddy told me all about you being his Sworn Brother!

Link: You're DARUNIA'S kid?

LL: YEAH! [flexes his muscles] AND I'M JUST AS STRONG AS HE IS!

Link: Wow... never thought the big guy'd get lucky. Hmmm... Say, LL, have you ever heard this song...? [reaches for his ocarina]

Navi: [smacks him] Don't even think about it!

Link: [sighs] Okay, okay...

LL: I can't believe I'm actually meeting you, Link! I WORSHIP YOU, MAN! I HAVE ALL YOUR POSTERS AND ACTION FIGURES!

Link: ... I have an action figure?!

LL: A Goron one, of course... Hardly anyone else even knows about you.

Link: [snaps his fingers] Darn.

LL: But now that you're here... Can I have your autograph?!

Link: [beams] Awwww, how cute! I love this kid! Sure, okay... [pats his pocket, searching for a slip of paper]

LL: Could you please write... "To My Best Friend Link of the Gorons, Love Link"?

Link: Sure! [finally finds a sheet of paper, scribbles down his autograph] Navi, I LOVE this kid!

Navi: Um... it's nice that you've found a fan, Link... But... maybe we should ask him...

LL: Ask me what?

Link: [interrupts Navi] Ask you if you wanted to join the "We Love Link" Fan Club!

LL: YEAH! HECK YEAH!

Link: Yeah, if you join now you get a hug!

LL: OH, LEMME JOIN LEMME JOIN LEMME JOIN!

Link: Okay! [gives LL a huge hug] AWWW... I LOVE THIS KID, NAVI! HE'S SO CUTE AND CUDDLY WITH HIS LITTLE POT BELLY!

Navi: ... Um... listen, Link...

Link and LL: Hmm?

Navi: The one who eats rocks.

Link and LL: [both still glancing at her quizzically]

Navi: ... The one with a large bald spot.

Link and LL: [both still glancing at her quizzically]

Navi: ... Oh dear GOD. GORON LINK!

LL: Yes?

Navi: That's not the question we wanted to ask you.

LL: It's... not?

Navi: While I'm sure Link appreciates your fandom, we need to know what happened to all the other Gorons.

LL: Oh, OHOHOHOHOHOH! I REHEARSED FOR THIS MOMENT FOR HOURS! I THOUGHT you'd come, so I was going to tell you! That's what I was doing rolling around!

Navi: What? Trying to kill us?

LL: Nono, I was trying to think. I always think better when I'm rolling... But anyway, now that you're here, I can finally say what I've waited all this time to say!

Link: Which is...?

LL: HIT IT! [points to the sky]

[Some light ukelele rhythms and guitar beats echo through the city. LL slides out on his knees, and from the side of the stage, a large curtain opens up]

Narrator: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MOVE OVER INDIGO-GOS! PLEASE WELCOME THE FABULOUS GORON SINGING SENSATIONS... THE ROCKHEADS!

LL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...

[The Rockheads, Stone, Bauble, Gorge, and Rocko, are all playing a tune on their rock guitars (pa-dum CHII!) that sounds suspiciously a lot like "Lovely Rita" by the Beatles (a personal favorite of mine, HEAR IT NOW!) LL starts dancing around and snapping his fingers, singing.]

Rockheads: [chanting quietly]
BROTHER LINK... NOW WE ARE SAVED...
BROTHER LINK... PLEASE SAVE THE DAY...

LL:
Brother Linky!
NOW WE'RE SAVED!
Someone has come to help us!
I'll tell you our plight so your might will make right!

When I was a baby Goron!
Daddy told me, ev'ry mornon'
"Link is such a hero and he really is great!
He saved us from all those creatures
My Sworn Brother, in skirt and breechers!"

Link:
It's a TUNIC if anybody would like to make note!

LL: [performs a slick little dance step as the Rockheads play kazoos]
Brother Linky!
NOW WE'RE SAVED!
Something real bad has happened!

Rockheads: [chanting]
IT'S... SO... TRAGIC!

LL:
But now that you're here, no fear, you'll spear those queers!

Rockheads: [chanting]
HERO, SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY...AYYYYY... AYYYYY... AYYYY...

Rockheads and LL:
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...

LL:
LI-INK!

[Stone pounds out a sweet little melody on the piano, and the other Rockheads join LL for a rather snazzy dance number]

Link: Gotta admire his choreography.

Navi: And he thought of this while rolling around?

LL:
Ganondorf, that awful bad man!
Captured all the Gorons. Sad, man!
Took them to the Fire Temple in the crater.
Gonna feed them to a dragon!
Daddy says he's only braggin'
To get the other races to bow down to his name!

LL and Rockheads:
OOOOOOOHHHHH...

LL:
Brother Linky!
SAVE THE DAY!
We'll all be doomed without you!
Please help my dad and save us from the bad!

Rockheads:
BROTHER LINKY... SAVE THE DAY...

LL: Linky, save the day!

Rockheads:
BOY, WE NEED A... FIRE SAGE...

LL: Brother Linky, help us, save the day...

Rockheads:
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY...

LL: [doing a little dance to send out the song, whimpering like he's going to cry]
Uh... uh huh...
Uh... uh huh...
UH... UH HUH...
UH... UH HUH...

Stone: AAAHHH...

Bauble: OOOOOH...

Rocko: ANNNHHH!

Gorge: WOOOOOT!

LL: [bursts into tears, sobbing in that weird Goron noise]
SAVE ME!

[Song ends. The Rockheads disappear. LL is left sobbing his little Goron eyes out, making that mutated little crying noise. Link and Navi look at him sympathetically, then at each other.]

LL: WAAAAAAAAAAAA! [demented Goron noise]

Link: ...

Navi: ...

Both: Awwwww.

Navi: He's so cute!

Link: Hey, little guy... So... um... exactly, what happened?

LL: Ganondorf... he... he... VOLVAGIA! [throws arms up strangely]

Navi: Volvagia? [suddenly throws her arms up strangely] Huh?!

Link: Volvagia? [throws his arms up strangely]

LL: Yes... You see... [sniff] [gentle harpstrings and flutes bring him in]
[singing, to the tune of "Aquarius" by The 5th Dimension]
A long time ago... when the moon was overhead
An evil dragon went on the prowl
He aaaaaate... Gorons and terrorized
The village down below you see it was-

[LL's singing fades off into a strange flashback. We see the Sheikah residents of an ancient Kakariko, as well as a lot of Gorons, arranged into a dance line. Behind them, streaking through the sky is a threatening, really scary dragon thingy.]

Villagers and Gorons:
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE AGE OF VOLVAGIA! [throw their arms up]
AGE OF VOLVAGIAAAAAA [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAA! [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAA! [throw arms up]

Volvagia: [growls viciously, chases them all away with a stream of fire] GRARGH!

Villagers and Gorons:
Ca-ca-pho-ny, death, destruction!
Po-ver-ty, misery and fear!

Female Villagers:
Peace is just a distant vision
Just a dream we used to have...

Male Villagers/Gorons:
Freaky fiery breathy death and-

Female Villagers:
And no means of liberation...

All:
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAA! [throw arms up]

LL: [narrating] And it looked like things would be that way forever, until...

[There is a clap of thunder, and a large, handsome Goron appears on the mountain, wielding a very large mallet/hammer thing]

LL:
When the mooooon and the mountain aligned...
Something legendary, awesome...
AND HEEEEEEE... HE HAD A HAMMER...
THIS GORON WASN'T SCARED TO USE!

Volvagia: GGRAAAGGH... EH? [gazes at the Goron hero]

Goron Hero: BOOOOYAAAAAHHH! [leaps out, mallet in hand, and... WHAMMO!]

-SONG BREAK-

[Back in reality-land]

LL: [pantomimes as he sings]
BANG BANG!
Legendary Hammer came down... up-on his head!
BANG BANG!
The Megaton Hammer made sure that he was dead!

-BACK TO THE FLASHBACK-

Villagers and Gorons:
THAT WAS THE ENDING OF THE AGE OF VOLVAGIA! [throw arms up]
AGE OF VOLVAGIAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAA! [well, you get the idea...]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAAAAAAA... [do I have to say it?]

[There is an abrupt song change, as "Aquarius" switches over to "Let The Sunshine In". We see a psychedelic time warp fly over the village of Kakariko, and it becomes a few months before the day when young Link began his fine journey, AKA seven years ago]

[We see the village residents and Gorons, calmly strutting around, wearing sunglasses, relaxing, drinking iced tea, and generally taking it easy.]

Kakariko Residents and Gorons: [snapping their fingers in time to the music]
LEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE!
LEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE IN!
THE SUUUUN...SHINE IN!
LEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE!
LEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE IN!
THE SUUUUUUN... SHIIIINE IN!
LEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE!

Darunia: [grooving at the top of the mountain]
Whoa, let it shine!

Villagers/Gorons:
LEEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE IN!

Darunia:
Come on!

Villagers/Gorons:
THE SUUUUUUUNSHINE IN!

Darunia:
Everybody, sing along!

Villagers/Gorons:
LEEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE!

Darunia:
Whoaaa, let the sunshine on in!

Villagers/Gorons:
LEEEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE IN!
LEEEEEEEEEEET... THE SUNSHINE IN!
THE SUUUUUUN... SHINE IN! [repeat, repeat, repeat]

[Seven years begin to pass as everyone continues to sing, and Darunia is dancing up a storm from up on the mountain]

Darunia:
Whoa, let it warm up your soul!
And when you're lonely!
Hey, let it shine!
Yeah, open up your heart!
Let it shine on in!
And when you feel like you're being cheated
And the boy is turnin' back home...
Just open up your heart and let it shine on you!
Yeah, you gotta feel it...
You got ta feeeeeeeel it...
AAAAAAAHHH!
Let it shine on in!
And let me tell ya one thing...
I WANT YOU TO SIIIING ALONG WITH ME, BABY!

HEY! OPEN UP YOUR HEART!
AAAHH, COME ON!
LET IT SHIIIINE!
EVERY DAY!
HEEEEY, YOU GOT TO FEEL IT!
YOU GOT TO FEEEEEEEL IT!
WHEN YOU OPEN UP YOUR HEART!
YOU GOTTA LET THE SUN COME IN!
BABY, BEELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE IIIITTT...

[There is the loud crashing of glass and a record breaking, and we see Ganondorf, looking like he's ready to puke, standing just offstage of the musical spectacular]

Ganondorf: Oh my GOD, I'M GONNA VOMIT.

Darunia: [eyes narrow] YOU!

LL: [appears next to Darunia] Who's that, Daddy?!

Ganondorf: FEH! All you hippie Gorons and Kakarikans make me SICK, singin' about your "sunshine" and your "hearts" and all the love all around and all that crap! IT MAKES ME SICK!

Darunia: You... said that. ... HEY! What are you doin' here?! I hate you, you stupid Gerudo, pluggin' up my cavern like you did! I'm gonna kick your green ugly butt if I ever figure out how to get off of this big fake Death Mountain!

Ganondorf: BAH! Pathetic! Haven't you guys HEARD? I'M the Evil King of the World! You all must obey me and bow down to me or else!

Random Kakarikan: [in hippie-wear] Hey man, that ain't cool!

Random Kakarikan #2: Yeah man, we worship the values of peace and love! And them Goddess ladies, they're cool too.

Random Kakarikan #3: Yeah, and Princess Zelda!

Ganondorf: [turns red with rage] ZELDA! You fools know where she's hiding, don't you?

Random Kakarikan: If we knew that, we would have called her already to come kick your butt!

Random Kakarikan #2: You're no match for our beloved princess!

Ganondorf: GRRR! You pathetic peasants are going to pay for the way you're talking to me, your god, your emperor, your evil king!

Darunia: Yeah?! Well HOW!?

[A darker version of "Aquarius" begins to play, and Ganondorf belts it out.]

Ganondorf: [sinisterly]
When the moon... is highest in the sky...
Evil pooooowers te-end to-oo grow!
They heeeelp me prove my point to you peasants!
And theyyyyyy're not just for show!

[Ganondorf waves his hands around, and green smoke fills the stage. All the Gorons and villagers panic and run, except Darunia and LL, who stand, watching in awe. Vicious, evil, really familiar orange eyes appear from below the mountain]

Darunia: WHAAAT?! IT CAN'T BE!

Ganondorf: That's right, you pathetic fool!
[bursts into song]
A BRAND NEW DAWNING OF THE AGE OF VOLVAGIA! [throws his arms up]
AGE OF VOLVAGIAAAAAA [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAA! [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAA! [throw arms up]

Volvagia: [growls viciously, rises from his grave, fully restored] GREAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [shoots fire breath]

Villagers and Gorons: AAGGGHHHH!
[now singing frantically]
Ca-ca-pho-ny, death, destruction!
Po-ver-ty, misery, fear!

Female Villagers:
We thought that he was gone forever!
But that was false and now it's clear!

Male Villagers/Gorons:
Nasty evil domination!

Female Villagers:
And no means of liberation...

All:
VOLVAGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAA! [throw arms up]

LL: [narrating, still crying] And to make matters worse... He didn't stop there!

Ganondorf: [as he swoops down, snatching Gorons and throwing them in cages]
When the mooooon and the mountain align...
It's dinner tiiiiime for my little pet!
I shall feeeeeeeeed him Gorons!
So other races won't go against me! DON'T FORGET:

Gorons in Cages: [crying in terror]
THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF VOLVAGIA! [throw arms up]
AGE OF VOLVAGIAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAAAAAAAA... [throw arms up]
VOLVAGIAAAAA! [well, you get the idea...]
VOL-VA-GI-AAAAAAAAAAA... [do I have to say it?]

[The Gorons continue their sad moaning singing, and we see Darunia patting LL on the shoulder]

Darunia: Son, I can't let this happen... I must save our people!

LL: But Daddy! Daddy, I'm afraid to be alone!

Darunia: Be a brave little Goron, Link! Just like our hero... I'm sure he will come to save us, just like he did before! You must wait for him in the city.

LL: Okay Daddy, I will! I promise!

Darunia: I promise Link, I'll do whatever I can to save the others... But... I might... I might not come back, Link...

LL: Daddy, please be careful!

Darunia: I will seal up the dragon with the power of the Goron heroes in my blood! You have it too, Link... You wait here for me to come back! And don't let anyone else follow me, except for Link!

LL: [salutes] Okay, Daddy! I love you!

Darunia: I love you too, son...

[The flashback fades out, and the Gorons echo the "Volvagia" line, still throwing their arms up in the air...]

LL: [snorts] So that's what happened... I'm... I'm afraid, Link... I think the dragon will eat my daddy and the others! Please, help us!

Link: [nods briskly] Anything for my number one fan, little guy!

LL: YAY!

Navi: Don't you mean your Sworn Brother too?

Link: Hmm?

Navi: I mean, doesn't the fact that it's Darunia in trouble mean anything to you?

Link: ... Mmm... not really.

Navi: But what if he really IS the Fire Sage, Link?

Link: [eyes widen] Oh yeah... I forgot about that.

LL: OH THANK YOU LINK! [throws himself at him, knocking him to the ground again]

Link: [eyes bugging out of his head] YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THAT... EEP- LITTLE GUY.

LL: Oh, that reminds me! A Hylian like you'll never survive in the crater if you wear normal clothes... Here, take these snazzy red duds. Not only do they look really cool, they'll protect you from the heat of the volcano!

[LL pulls the Goron Tunic out of his... wait a sec... where'd he get that? Well anyway, he pulls it out, crawls off of his hero and hands it to him, who smiles widely]

Link: Heeey, COOL! A costume change!

Navi: Aww, lucky! Say, LL, is it safe for a fairy to be in the volcano?

LL: [scratches his butt] Y'know, I'm not sure. I think you'll be okay.

Navi: Cool. [beams]

LL: But then again, you also might spontaneously combust and fall screaming and flaming down into the lava.

Navi: [face drops] Uh...

Link: Don't you mean "magma"?

LL: Naah, "magma" is only when it's still underground. "Lava" is when it's exposed to the air.

Link: Ah... Wow, you're smart for a little guy.

LL: Hey, it's just like Kool-Aid to me.

[A groovy tune plays as a harem of gorgeous dancing girls surround Link and hold long scarves around him. They vanish, and he is now wearing his Goron tunic with a big heroic grin on his face.]

Link: All right Navi, let's go save those Gorons!

Navi: [hesitant] Um... yeah...

LL: WAIT! [throws his arm up, whacking Navi right out of the air]

Navi: AAAGGGHHHHHHH! [splats onto the ground floor]

LL: I just remembered! There's a shortcut to the Fire Temple in my dad's room, right behind the big statue.

Link: [gazes off the platform at Navi's broken body down below] Ahh... You mean that really ugly one of him?

LL: ... That statue's of my mom.

Link: [eyes widen] ... Riiiight. Well! [salutes LL] Thank you for all your help Little Link!

LL: [salutes back] Your welcome, best buddy in the whole world, great Dodongo Buster and Goron Hero Link!

Link: Aww... I have a title! [kicks up some dirt, then looks serious] Right! Don't worry, I promise I'll help your dad save the Gorons! And I'll save him and awaken the Fire Sage and defeat that nasty dragon too!

LL: You're ACTUALLY going to defeat Volvagia? [throws arms up]

Link: Bet your little butt I will!

Navi: [very strained voice from down below] LIIIIIIINK...

Link: Oh, right... SORRY NAVI! [waves at LL] So, you just wait right here and I promise I'll help you out!

LL: [has a seat] Okay! Good luck, Link!

Link: Oh yeah, one more thing...

LL: Hmm?

Link: [whips out his ocarina, plays Saria's Song]

LL: [eyes bugging out] THAT SONG... THAT SONG... OH... OH... OH... WOOOO! YEAAAAAH! WOW! HOT! WHAT A HOT BEAT! WHOAAAAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: [snorting gleefully] Hee hee hee... it's funnier when you do it because you're LITTLE!

LL: [out of his mind] I CAN'T- STOP- SHAKING! AGH! AH! AH! AH! [shakes his boo-taay] WAAAAAAAAHA! AH! AH! AH... [one last giant shake] AHHHHHHH!

Link: Thank you for that.

LL: [drunken joy plastered across his face] NO WORRIES! [passes out]

Link: Now! I'M OFF!

[Triumphant music plays as Link leaps down to the ground floor, where Navi has been flattened into a little round glowing disc.]

Link: [in soliloquy mode again] Seven years ago we met, Darunia... You scared me. You scared me badly. In fact, you scared me more than I ever thought possible. That... "dance" of yours. But it endeared you to me, and you became my Sworn Brother, and one of my closest and most trusted friends...

[Link whips out the Spatula of Time and for the second time this chapter, sets to work scraping Navi off of the floor]

Link: [still] And now, your mountain and your people and your adorable little son are all endangered by a vicious, evil dragon brought back to life by the man I hate above all others, Ganondorf! He trapped Saria in that temple... And now she's a Sage. The Fire Sage is waiting for me... Is it you, Darunia? Will I have to say goodbye to you too?

[He continues scraping the fairy as he gazes up into a torch burning on the second floor of the city. An image of Darunia, smiling smugly appears all dreamy-like, and you can tell that this is building up for the end of the chapter. Majestic music plays in the background]

Link: But even so... I must awaken the Fire Sage. I must save you, Darunia! I'll do it... not as the Hero of Time, but as your Sworn Brother. I promise...

[FREEZE! Wow, how majestic.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE-

GG: WAAAAAAAIT!

[The curtain falls as the author runs onstage in a sparkly outfit, holding a large showy microphone. She smiles mischievously and waves]

GG: Hey everybody! This is Galaxy Girl, here with a very special edition omake (that is, a bonus) for Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical. Before I show it to you, a little explanation is in order...

[A large slide show appears on the curtain, and GG's microphone becomes a large pointer. The slide shows the cover of Final Fantasy X.]

GG: This, is Final Fantasy X. It is a game that features one of the, in my own humble opinion, hottest studmuffins the world has ever known: AURON! You may already know that I like him, based on the ode to him song parody I have in my profile and the random shirtless cameo he made in chapter 14.

[Slide changes to the profile page of Ryuutsu Seishin, Hime no Argh AKA Diamond AKA Hime.]

GG: This is Hime. She wrote an absolutely wonderful FFX story entitled "Waking Dreams". I suggest you read it, if you know a good fanfiction when you see one. Now, being a rabid supporter of both Auron and of FFX stories featuring him, I reviewed Hime's story, asking rather nicely if she would consider writing a scene in which Auron had his shirt off. ^.^;;;

[Slide changes to show the logo for Hey, OCARINA]

GG: This is Hey, OCARINA. You know that. Because you are currently reading it. Now, Hime, in a review of this story (which she is a fan of), suggested that I write a scene in which Sheik, her absolute favorite character, had HIS shirt off. Being the compromising people we are, Hime and I worked it out, and the "Auron-Sheik Doctrine" was signed.

[Slide shows an official-looking document]

GG: So, the deal was made: If I portrayed Sheik without his shirt on in one scene of Hey, OCARINA, Hime would portray Auron without his shirt on in one scene of Waking Dreams. Thus, the deal was signed. Now, as a special BONUS OMAKE (that is... an extra), I am going to hold up my end of the deal.

[A drum roll sounds]

GG: And now, ladies and gentlemen, in a completely pointless and plotless cameo for no reason whatsoever, Hey, OCARINA proudly presents...

SHEIK AND THE SHEIKAH DANCERS!

[GG races offscreen as the curtain rises, revealing a fully-clothed Sheik (WHO BY THE WAY, IS MAAAAALE AND A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHARACTER THAN ZELDA!) standing with his back to the audience. A bright spotlight shines on him, a disco ball lights up, a selection of equally sexy female Sheikah dancers rise up from behind him, and he spins around. The routine is set to "Mr. Wonderful" by NMR (from DDR) ]

[A dramatic bridge plays, and Sheik slowly walks forward, glaring out at all his adoring fangirls. Two dramatic drum rhythms pound, and equally dramatically, Sheik rips off his shirt to reveal his perfectly sculpted Sheikah six-pack, complete with sexy Sheikah eye tattoo! He shimmies for the crowd, and as a fade-in plays, the song changes]

Sheikah Dancers:
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OOH, YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL TO ME!

HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OOH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
A miracle to me...

[The crazy techno beat starts up. Sheik slides out on his knees, and the Sheikah dancers dump a large bucket of water on him. Hair dripping in his face (which is still half-hidden, by the way), he grabs a microphone and sings]

Sheik: [pointing out at all the fangirls]
Hold me...
I wanna feel your arms around me...

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA! OOH LALA!

Sheik: [hugging his chest]
Kiss me...
Cause only you can make me happy!

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALALA!

OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-

Dancer #1:
Oh, Mr. Wonderful...

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-

Dancer #2:
Are you for real?

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-

Dancer #1:
It's not impossible...

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-

Sheik: [leaps up, belting it out]
OOH WHOAAAA, OOOOHHH WHOAAAAAAA!

[Sheik does this sexy sort of... well, I dunno. "The Sprinkler" I think it's called, as the song continues]

Sheikah Dancers:
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OHH, YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL TO ME!

[Sheik does "The Monkey"]

HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OHH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
A miracle to me...

[Sheik does "The Cabbage Patch"]

HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OOH, YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL TO ME!

[Sheik pulls a bunch of pelvic thrusts, every fangirl currently reading this gets a nosebleed]

HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
OOH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE!
HEY! MR. WONDERFUL!
A miracle to me...

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-
OOH LALA... OOH LALA...

Sheik: [somehow break dancing as he sings]
A MIRACLE TO ME!

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-
OOH LALA... OOH LALA...

Sheik:
A MIRACLE TO ME!

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-
OOH LALA... OOH LALA...

Sheik:
A MIRACLE TO ME!

Sheikah Dancers:
OOH LALA OOH YA HEY YA-
OOH LALA... OOH LALA...

Sheik:
A MIRACLE TO ME...

[They repeat and fade, and when the song ends, Sheik stands up, dusts himself off, and stares around at all the Bonfils blood workers rushing around the audience and refilling the circulatory systems of every girl reader.]

Sheik: Looks like my work here is done. [flexes his muscles, calmly turns and walks offstage.]


~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF CHAPTER/SCENE SIXTEEN *~*~*~*~*~*~