Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Three: Inside the Deku Tree ( Chapter 3 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
The world's easiest dungeon proves to be the world's hardest musical song! Oooh, but how the author's skills will be tested later on... If Link would stop falling for that old "Playboy Bunny" ploy, we might actually get out of here eventually.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.26.2002 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 10 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.4K | Status: Completed
The world's easiest dungeon proves to be the world's hardest musical song! Oooh, but how the author's skills will be tested later on... If Link would stop falling for that old "Playboy Bunny" ploy, we might actually get out of here eventually.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.26.2002 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 10 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.4K | Status: Completed
Hey, OCARINA!
A Cheesy Zelda Musical
SCENE THREE: INSIDE THE DEKU TREE, TREE!
In this scene...
Link, the Hero!
Navi, the Fairy!
Deku Tree, the... TREE!
Mido, the dweeb!
Saria, the Friend!
And some random Kokiri kids!
(Scene: Inside the Deku Tree's mouth. Link has just walked inside.)
Link: Woo... this guy could use a breath mint!
Navi: No kidding. HEY!
Link: What?
Navi: LOOK OUT!
Link: WHAAAT?
Navi: WATCH IT! MOVE! RUN!
Link: Navi, what is it?
Mysterious Voice: Hey kid... what you doin' here?
Link: BWAA!
[He sees a large evil plant-looking thingy next to him.]
Deku Baba: FEEEEED ME, SEYMOUR!
Link: WHAT?
Deku Baba: Er, uh... CHOMP CHOMP!
Navi: Quick Link! Swing your sword and kill him!
[Link does just that]
Navi: Hey, you've killed your first monster.
Link: All riiiight. Hey, whaddya mean by first? Not like I'm going to have to kill a lot of monsters, right?
Navi: Um... so Link. I know my way around here pretty good, and...
Link: Hey, you do?
Navi: Uh, yeah. Just... never mind. So, I am going to lead you through this tree and you just do what I tell you, OK?
Link: Uh, sure. I can handle that.
Navi: All right. A one, a two, a one, two, three...
{reggae style music, as Navi begins "The Inside The Deku Tree Song"}
Navi: {to the tune of "The Song of the Zebu" from Veggietales}
[flies over to a ladder]
See this ladder over here?
Climb it up, and have no fear.
Cause at the top there is just running, and running,
So run you dude, so run you dude woohoo.
[Link climbs the ladder and follows Navi over a series of gaps]
Navi:
DeKUUUUUUUUUUU!
So run you dude, so run you dude, so run you dude woohoo,
So run you dude run inside the Deku.
Link: Running, ma'am!
Navi: OK, keep going, now STOP!
[Navi points to a treasure chest placed near a vine wall]
Navi:
See this chest right here just so?
Open it before you go.
Cause inside there is a mappy, a mappy
A map woohoo a map woohoo woohoo!
[Link opens the chest]
Navi:
DeKUUUUUUUUUUU!
A map woohoo a map woohoo a map woohoo, woohoo
A map woohoo inside of the Deku.
Link: OK, a map, so what?
Navi: Now look up on the wall!
Link: Spiders.
Navi: Skullwalltulas. Don't touch them. You need a projectile weapon to kill them. OK, now follow me!
[She flies up to a door]
Navi:
In this door you open, bub.
You will find a Deku scrub.
Just bounce the nuts back, and kill it
And kill the scrub just kill the scrub woohoo.
[Link goes in and beats the scrub]
Scrub: OW! OK, fine! Here's a secret if you let me go. If you jump off a cliff, if you hold (control stick) forward you will roll and not get hurt.
Link: What's a (control stick)?
Navi: Yeah man, what do you think this is, some kind of video game or something?
Scrub: I don't know, I read the script and get my pay. [he runs away]
Navi: OK, now in this next room...
[singing]
There'll be platforms down below.
Press the switch and they will go.
Up so you can get the Slingshot, the Slingshot,
A weapon dude, a weapon dude, woohoo.
Link: Oh please Navi, please don't do the chorus...
Navi: All right. Fine, Mr. Picky.
[Link enters the room, presses the button, and hops across the platforms, and claims his weapon: the Fairy Slingshot.]
{Found-Something music}
DU DA DA DAAAAAAA!
Link: All right, now what?
Navi:
Go and kill them on the wall.
Climb up it, and when you're tall
Then go till you find a door, a door
Another door upon the third most floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dancing on an external spiral staircase]
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
HE GOT THE COMPASS AND KILLED SOME BIG SPIDERY THINGS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Link looks all the way down to the first floor at a big huge spider web on the bottom of the tree.)
Link: Wow, what a drop. Hey Navi, now what?
Navi: Jump.
Link: WHAT?
Navi: You heard me, skirt-boy! JUMP!
Link: It's a tunic. And are you crazy? Why would I jump and fall thousands of feet to my death in a big spidery web?
Navi: Because I told you to.
Link: And why should I listen to you?
Navi: Because the Deku Tree told you to.
Link: And why should I listen to him?
Navi: Because you're a Kokiri and you're supposed to.
Link: Crap.
Navi: Dude, less talking more walking, bubsy. Jump!
Link: Uh, no.
Navi: Come on!
Link: NO!
[Navi looks around slyly]
Navi: [points other direction] Hey look Link! Isn't that a picture of a naked girl?
Link: WHERE? [spins around]
[Navi shoves Link hard backwards (for a fairy, anyway) and he falls AAAAAALL THE WAAAAAAAY DOOOOOOOOWN!]
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH-
Sound FX Guy: [yelling] SPLAT!
Narrator: [the guy in the robe, remember?] And then he died!
Just kidding.
Sound FX Guy: [yelling] SPLASH!
[Link sits up, and sees himself in a puddle of water.]
Link: Ow...
[Navi cruises down casually]
Navi: [humming] We were sailing along, on moonlight bay!
Link: HEY! What's the big idea, Missy?
Navi: What? It was obviously going to take you a long time to decide to jump. So I thought I'd help.
Link: Ouch. If this is Destiny,
Chorus Singers: [Angelically]
DEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYY!
[Navi and Link look around confusedly]
Navi: I'd still like to know who is doing that.
Link: Heh, maybe we'll find out eventually. Anyway, I was saying, if this is... you know what, then I hate it!
Navi: Hey, no one said that being a Somebody was going to be easy.
Link: Yeah, but it'll be worth it to throw in Mido's face and call myself Link Somebody.
{Pa-dum, CHI!}
Navi: OK, where was I before those stupid chorus singers interrupted me? Oh yes, right.
[singing]
Burn this web down over here
Then trudge in and with no fear
Hit the eye with your Slingshot, your Slingshot
Then go on through the door you wimp, woohoo.
[Link grabs Navi and tries to strangle her.]
Link: You sing that song one more time, and I'll squeeze you till you pop.
Navi: [garbled] Well sooooorry! Just doing my job!
Link: According to the map, he boss is down below here.
Navi: Hmmm... if only there was a way to get down to the lower level quickly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Chorus Singers tap dancing on an external spiral staircase)
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI FOUND A WAY TO THE BOTTOM FLOOOOOOR...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Navi: OK, now jump down this hole and we'll be at the bottom floor.
Link: Are you CRAZY? I'm not going to jump!
Navi: Not this again!
Link: I don't want to die, thank you very much.
Navi: Hmmm. Hey Look Link, there's a Playboy poster!
Link: WHERE?
[Navi pushes him]
Link: AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Narrator: Magically, Link used the (control stick) to roll once he hit the ground, and he was safe.
Link: PHEW! Lucky for that (control stick), huh Mr. Narrator?
Narrator: You bet, Link.
Navi: [humming the Inside the Deku Tree song]
Link: Now Navi, DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!
Navi: Oh, sorry. Heh heh hehhhhh...
Link: All right, now what?
Navi: The grand finale of my song!
[singing]
Three Scrub Brothers over there!
They try to eat your underwear!
So you must beat them 2-3-1, 2-3-1,
2-3-1-1, 2-3-1-1, woohoo!
[Link runs over and beats the scrub brothers]
Scrub Brother 1: OWWWW! You're mean! That's so annoying! It's so annoying that I'm going to tell you the secret of our Queen Gohma!
Link: OOOH! GOODY!
Navi: Spill it, bub!
Scrub Brother 1: Well, Queenie likes to do her nails on Sunday, and she loves nothing better than to eat everyone and everything that comes in her lair, and she really, really loves popcorn!
[Navi and Link stare at him]
Scrub Brother 1: Aww, fine. You have to hit her with her sword while she's stunned, which is when you hit her with your slingshot when her eye is red. Oh Queenie...
[He disappears]
Navi: OK, GRAND GRAND FINALE TIME!
[singing]
Now you have to fight the curse!
Whether better or for worse!
Gotta kill the Queenie Gohma, she's Gohma,
Just kill her Link, just kill her Link WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!
And that's the song of Deku, WOOHOO!
{The music stops}
Link: THAT'S your grand finale?
Navi: Er, yeah.
Link: Hmm. It was no way as good as MY grand finale.
Navi: Aaahh... come on Link, let's go face your Destiny!
Chorus Singers: [angelically]
DEEEEESTIIIIINYYYYY!
[They look around confusedly]
Link: I'm confused.
Navi: Me too. Huh, let's go!
[Link opens the door to the boss chamber, and they walk inside]
(Scene: A big ugly room. Scratchy noises are heard on the wall, and Link and Navi look around scaredly.)
Link: AGGGH! WHAT'S THAT BIG UGLY THING ON THE CEILING?
[The big ugly spidery-type thing drops down, and hisses at Link.]
Gohma: GRAAAAR!
Navi and Link: [high pitched screaming] AAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
GOHMA: PARASITIC ARMORED ARACHNID
Link: AAGGGH! FORGET IT! I'M OUTTA HERE!
Navi: Link, her eye is red! Hit it!
[Link fires a slingshot bullet, which stuns her on the ground]
Navi: SWORD! SWORD! USE THE SWORD! KIIIIIILL IIIIIIIT!
[Link stabs Gohma once, and she dies]
Gohma: AAAGGGHHHHHH!
[She disintegrates. Link and Navi are left staring at nothing.]
Navi: That's... it?
Link: I... think so.
Navi: Gee, some curse. Why didn't the Deku Tree just belch it out and get it over with?
Link: Well, he's not exactly the sharpest tack in the box, that's for sure.
[A warp portal appears and Link and Navi hop in and float back to the Deku Tree meadow]
(Scene: The Deku Tree Meadow. "The Ballad of the Great Deku Tree Reprise" begins as the glow fades.)
Deku Tree: [singing Luciano Pavarotti style]
LIIIIINK! THOU HAST COME BACK TO MEEEE!
Link:
YES TREE! INDEED I HAVE!
Deku Tree:
YOU'VE BROKEN THE CURSE THAT CONTAINED ME!
Navi:
YES TREE! INDEED HE HAAAAAAAAAVE!
Deku Tree: [suddenly sadly]
I regret to inform ye...
Link: What to inform me?
Deku Tree:
Some most horrible news...
Navi: Uh oh! HOOORRIBLE NEWS!
Deku Tree:
I'm in midst of a battle...
Link: A big terrible battle!
Deku Tree:
And I'm going to LOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
Navi: What do you mean?
Deku Tree:
Though you tried so very valiantly to break this curse of mine...
Link: Yes?
Deku Tree:
No matter what you would have done I was dying the entire time!
Navi: NOOOO!
{music stops}
Link: You mean I just wasted a bunch of time in your stomach for no reason?
Deku Tree: Yes. You got a problem with it?
Link: Uh, YEAH!
Deku Tree: What are you going to do, cast a curse on me? Eh heh heh... Now, where was I?
Navi: Um, "Dying the entire time".
Deku Tree:
And before too long I will be gone but before that I SAAAAAAAAAAAY...
Link and Navi: WHAT DO YOU SAAAAY?
Deku Tree:
I will tell you the legend of the Triforce this day... so SIT!
[Link and Navi sit down]
(The scene of the meadow slowly fades to a dark night sky, and red, blue, and green lights whizzing through the sky)
Deku Tree:
Long ago before life and spirits existed when Hyrule was just a dead chaotic land!
The three golden goddesses came down from the heavens and created this whole world with their six hands!
Din, the Goddess of Power...
Upon the Earth did shower...
Fire to cultivate the land!
Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom...
Used her knowledge and goddessly-ism
To create a sense of justice and all that...
And Farore the Goddess of Courage...
Used her rich soul, to encourage
The life forms who would uphold law!
AND THEN THEY ALL JUST LEFT!
THEY JUST RAN AWAY AND LEFT!
AND THEY LEFT THE GOLDEN TRIANGLES BEHIND!
THE TRIFORCE!
THE MAGIC TRIFORCE!
WAS LEFT WHERE THEY RAN AWAY HERE, FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER!
And then the Sacred Realm...
Was built like a ship's helm...
TO PROTECT THE TRIFORCE AND ALL IT STANDS FOR!
(Scene fades back to the Great Deku tree meadow)
Deku Tree:
And now!
Link: Now?
Deku Tree:
This man...
Navi: Which man?
Deku Tree:
Ganondorf, the evil King of Thieves!
Cast a spell upon my bark!
That D@#$ power-hungry shark!
And it slowly sapped the power from my LEAVES!
Link: Oh no!
Deku Tree:
That man! HE SO DESIRED!
The Triforce, and the jewel that I HOLD!
He cast that stinking spell...
And now as you can tell...
In a while I'll just be
Great Deku MOLD!
Navi: Oh, poor Deku Tree...
Deku Tree: Link...
Link: Yes?
Deku Tree:
Take this stone!
Link: Um, it's not a KIDNEY stone, is it?
Deku Tree: Ewww, no!
[singing]
Take this stone!
The Kokiri Emerald!
And take it to the Castle of Hyrule!
There, you will meet a princess...
She is the princess of Destiny!
Chorus Singers: [angelically]
DEEESTIIIIIINYYYYY!
[All three look all around confusedly]
Deku Tree:
And she will understand everything...
Link: Um, OK.
Deku Tree:
BUT DO NOT CRY FOR MEEEE!
Link: I won't!
[Navi smacks him]
Link: Ow...
Deku Tree:
Now travel to the castle!
Hope it won't be a hassle!
SO GO!
Link: OK!
Deku Tree:
SOOOOOOOO...
SAYS THE MIGHTY DEKU TREE!
NOW GO, SAYS ME, THE DEKU TREE!
Link:
NAVI, LET'S STOP I HAVE TO PEE!
Navi:
UGGH! GO YOURSELF, DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!
All:
SO SAYS THE MIGHTY DEKU TREE!
[The Deku Tree tosses Link a shining green stone, the Kokiri Emerald, and Link and his fairy slowly walk out of the meadow.]
Deku Tree: [squeaky]
GOOD... BYE... NA...VIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
Navi:
Bye, De-ku Treeeeeeeee...
Deku Tree: AGGH! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AAGGGGHHHHHHH... [tongue hangs out of the side of his mouth, eyes turn into X's]
[He dies, and everyone in the forest bursts out crying all at the same time.]
(On the way out of the meadow, Link is stopped by Mido)
Mido: HEY! MR. GUY FORMERLY KNOWN AS NO-FAIRY! What did you do?
Link: What do you mean what did I do?
Mido: Everyone in the forest just burst out crying! The Deku Tree... did he... die?
Link: Um, no, he's perfectly fine.
Mido: Let me see!
[Mido runs to the meadow, we hear a loud scream]
Mido: AAGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHH!
[He runs back up to Link]
Mido: OH MY GODDESS! YOU KILLED THE DEKU TREE!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Navi: Did not! He... uh... DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES!
Mido: Did not!
Link: AHA! You admit I didn't kill him!
Mido: No, I was arguing with Navi whether or not he died of natural causes, you collective head of knuckle!
Link: Oh well, so I killed him! Big deal!
Mido: [screaming] HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT?
Other Kokiri: WHAT?
Mido: MR. GUY FORMERLY KNOWN AS NO-FAIRY KILLED THE GREAT DEKU TREE!
Other Kokiri: HE DID WHAT?
Mido: He killed out sacred deity and our father, the DEKU TREE!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Link: Did too!
Mido: Did not!
Link: AHA! So you admit that I DIDN'T kill him!
Mido: Did not!
Link: Did too!
[Suddenly, their argument is interrupted by a wave of vegetables being thrown at Link by the Kokiri]
Kokiri: BOOOOOOO! DEKU TREE KILLER!
Link: I didn't kill him! [is hit in face with tomato]
Navi: Hey, when did they open a salad bar?
Link: Aw, shut up, Navi!
Navi: Hey Link, [is knocked down by a head of lettuce] let's go to the castle and meet the princess, like the Deku Tree told us!
Link: [hit by a carrot] Works for me.
Mido: DEKU TREE KILLER!
[Link and Navi trudge out of the forest, dodging vegetable after vegetable.]
Link: [singing slowly]
Nobody likes me...
Everyone hates me...
I have no friend in the world...
(Scene: The bridge just outside the forest. Link and Navi are heading out of the forest, when Saria appears out of nowhere)
Saria: Oh... you're leaving.
Link: Uh, yeah.
Saria: I know why you're leaving. You're different from me and my friends.
Link: Jeez Saria, you don't have to rub it in!
Saria: Sorry, but it's true! I was about to say... that's all right, because we'll be friends forever anyway.
Link: That's sweet, Saria.
Saria: I made this for you. [she hands him the Fairy Ocarina] Whenever you play it, think of me.
[Link attempts to play to Ocarina. It sounds squeaky and deranged]
Saria: Uh... you need practice.
Link: Thank you, Saria.
Saria: No problem. Um, but Link?
Link: Yes?
Saria: It's good that you're different from me and my friends, because if you're not, and you take three more steps that way, you'll drop dead.
Link: Oh, that's good then.
{Slow music starts, for "Link and Saria"!}
Saria: {begins singing opera-like}
If I weren't Kokiri
I'd come with you today!
But for now all I can do is give you this...
[takes Ocarina back and then gives it to him again]
Link, forever best friends we'll be...
[Link sniffles, and wipes a tear away from his eyes. Navi blows her nose in a hankie]
Saria: [singing slowly]
Maybe someday, I'll find a way to join you!
And to help you on your quest, whatever it be!
Maybe someday I can leave this forest!
MAYBE SOMEDAY I WILL LEAVE THIS KOKIRI!
Bo-dy... be-hind...
Link: [singing]
But Saria, remember me!
Saria:
I will!
Link:
But Saria, they'll always tease!
Saria:
I don't care!
Link:
But Saria, I may never return!
Saria: [holds up fist]
You had better!
Come... back... and... visit... me...
Link: OK, OK, I will!
Saria:
There's bound to be some changes.
Some rules will likely bend!
But no matter what happens
I'll always be your friend!
Link:
I may travel near and far
But no matter what I do
Part of me will be left right behind
And that part's here with YOUUUUUUUUUU!
Saria: Um, that's really, really too mushy.
Link: Oh. Sorry.
Saria:
So remember Link, wherever you go
There you are bound to be!
But there'll always be inside of you...
A lit-tle Ko-Ki-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
[Navi bursts out crying, and blows her nose on Link's hat]
Link: See ya around, Saria.
Saria: Bye, Link.
[Link grabs Navi, and the two of them run to the other side of the bridge and out of the forest.]
[Saria sighs and watches them go, then clears her throat.]
Saria: [suddenly perky] Well, he ain't getting any gone-er. I think I'll go to his house and rummage through his stuff! WOOHOOO!
~*~*~*END OF SCENE THREE*~*~*~
A Cheesy Zelda Musical
SCENE THREE: INSIDE THE DEKU TREE, TREE!
In this scene...
Link, the Hero!
Navi, the Fairy!
Deku Tree, the... TREE!
Mido, the dweeb!
Saria, the Friend!
And some random Kokiri kids!
(Scene: Inside the Deku Tree's mouth. Link has just walked inside.)
Link: Woo... this guy could use a breath mint!
Navi: No kidding. HEY!
Link: What?
Navi: LOOK OUT!
Link: WHAAAT?
Navi: WATCH IT! MOVE! RUN!
Link: Navi, what is it?
Mysterious Voice: Hey kid... what you doin' here?
Link: BWAA!
[He sees a large evil plant-looking thingy next to him.]
Deku Baba: FEEEEED ME, SEYMOUR!
Link: WHAT?
Deku Baba: Er, uh... CHOMP CHOMP!
Navi: Quick Link! Swing your sword and kill him!
[Link does just that]
Navi: Hey, you've killed your first monster.
Link: All riiiight. Hey, whaddya mean by first? Not like I'm going to have to kill a lot of monsters, right?
Navi: Um... so Link. I know my way around here pretty good, and...
Link: Hey, you do?
Navi: Uh, yeah. Just... never mind. So, I am going to lead you through this tree and you just do what I tell you, OK?
Link: Uh, sure. I can handle that.
Navi: All right. A one, a two, a one, two, three...
{reggae style music, as Navi begins "The Inside The Deku Tree Song"}
Navi: {to the tune of "The Song of the Zebu" from Veggietales}
[flies over to a ladder]
See this ladder over here?
Climb it up, and have no fear.
Cause at the top there is just running, and running,
So run you dude, so run you dude woohoo.
[Link climbs the ladder and follows Navi over a series of gaps]
Navi:
DeKUUUUUUUUUUU!
So run you dude, so run you dude, so run you dude woohoo,
So run you dude run inside the Deku.
Link: Running, ma'am!
Navi: OK, keep going, now STOP!
[Navi points to a treasure chest placed near a vine wall]
Navi:
See this chest right here just so?
Open it before you go.
Cause inside there is a mappy, a mappy
A map woohoo a map woohoo woohoo!
[Link opens the chest]
Navi:
DeKUUUUUUUUUUU!
A map woohoo a map woohoo a map woohoo, woohoo
A map woohoo inside of the Deku.
Link: OK, a map, so what?
Navi: Now look up on the wall!
Link: Spiders.
Navi: Skullwalltulas. Don't touch them. You need a projectile weapon to kill them. OK, now follow me!
[She flies up to a door]
Navi:
In this door you open, bub.
You will find a Deku scrub.
Just bounce the nuts back, and kill it
And kill the scrub just kill the scrub woohoo.
[Link goes in and beats the scrub]
Scrub: OW! OK, fine! Here's a secret if you let me go. If you jump off a cliff, if you hold (control stick) forward you will roll and not get hurt.
Link: What's a (control stick)?
Navi: Yeah man, what do you think this is, some kind of video game or something?
Scrub: I don't know, I read the script and get my pay. [he runs away]
Navi: OK, now in this next room...
[singing]
There'll be platforms down below.
Press the switch and they will go.
Up so you can get the Slingshot, the Slingshot,
A weapon dude, a weapon dude, woohoo.
Link: Oh please Navi, please don't do the chorus...
Navi: All right. Fine, Mr. Picky.
[Link enters the room, presses the button, and hops across the platforms, and claims his weapon: the Fairy Slingshot.]
{Found-Something music}
DU DA DA DAAAAAAA!
Link: All right, now what?
Navi:
Go and kill them on the wall.
Climb up it, and when you're tall
Then go till you find a door, a door
Another door upon the third most floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dancing on an external spiral staircase]
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
HE GOT THE COMPASS AND KILLED SOME BIG SPIDERY THINGS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Link looks all the way down to the first floor at a big huge spider web on the bottom of the tree.)
Link: Wow, what a drop. Hey Navi, now what?
Navi: Jump.
Link: WHAT?
Navi: You heard me, skirt-boy! JUMP!
Link: It's a tunic. And are you crazy? Why would I jump and fall thousands of feet to my death in a big spidery web?
Navi: Because I told you to.
Link: And why should I listen to you?
Navi: Because the Deku Tree told you to.
Link: And why should I listen to him?
Navi: Because you're a Kokiri and you're supposed to.
Link: Crap.
Navi: Dude, less talking more walking, bubsy. Jump!
Link: Uh, no.
Navi: Come on!
Link: NO!
[Navi looks around slyly]
Navi: [points other direction] Hey look Link! Isn't that a picture of a naked girl?
Link: WHERE? [spins around]
[Navi shoves Link hard backwards (for a fairy, anyway) and he falls AAAAAALL THE WAAAAAAAY DOOOOOOOOWN!]
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH-
Sound FX Guy: [yelling] SPLAT!
Narrator: [the guy in the robe, remember?] And then he died!
Just kidding.
Sound FX Guy: [yelling] SPLASH!
[Link sits up, and sees himself in a puddle of water.]
Link: Ow...
[Navi cruises down casually]
Navi: [humming] We were sailing along, on moonlight bay!
Link: HEY! What's the big idea, Missy?
Navi: What? It was obviously going to take you a long time to decide to jump. So I thought I'd help.
Link: Ouch. If this is Destiny,
Chorus Singers: [Angelically]
DEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYY!
[Navi and Link look around confusedly]
Navi: I'd still like to know who is doing that.
Link: Heh, maybe we'll find out eventually. Anyway, I was saying, if this is... you know what, then I hate it!
Navi: Hey, no one said that being a Somebody was going to be easy.
Link: Yeah, but it'll be worth it to throw in Mido's face and call myself Link Somebody.
{Pa-dum, CHI!}
Navi: OK, where was I before those stupid chorus singers interrupted me? Oh yes, right.
[singing]
Burn this web down over here
Then trudge in and with no fear
Hit the eye with your Slingshot, your Slingshot
Then go on through the door you wimp, woohoo.
[Link grabs Navi and tries to strangle her.]
Link: You sing that song one more time, and I'll squeeze you till you pop.
Navi: [garbled] Well sooooorry! Just doing my job!
Link: According to the map, he boss is down below here.
Navi: Hmmm... if only there was a way to get down to the lower level quickly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Chorus Singers tap dancing on an external spiral staircase)
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI FOUND A WAY TO THE BOTTOM FLOOOOOOR...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Navi: OK, now jump down this hole and we'll be at the bottom floor.
Link: Are you CRAZY? I'm not going to jump!
Navi: Not this again!
Link: I don't want to die, thank you very much.
Navi: Hmmm. Hey Look Link, there's a Playboy poster!
Link: WHERE?
[Navi pushes him]
Link: AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Narrator: Magically, Link used the (control stick) to roll once he hit the ground, and he was safe.
Link: PHEW! Lucky for that (control stick), huh Mr. Narrator?
Narrator: You bet, Link.
Navi: [humming the Inside the Deku Tree song]
Link: Now Navi, DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!
Navi: Oh, sorry. Heh heh hehhhhh...
Link: All right, now what?
Navi: The grand finale of my song!
[singing]
Three Scrub Brothers over there!
They try to eat your underwear!
So you must beat them 2-3-1, 2-3-1,
2-3-1-1, 2-3-1-1, woohoo!
[Link runs over and beats the scrub brothers]
Scrub Brother 1: OWWWW! You're mean! That's so annoying! It's so annoying that I'm going to tell you the secret of our Queen Gohma!
Link: OOOH! GOODY!
Navi: Spill it, bub!
Scrub Brother 1: Well, Queenie likes to do her nails on Sunday, and she loves nothing better than to eat everyone and everything that comes in her lair, and she really, really loves popcorn!
[Navi and Link stare at him]
Scrub Brother 1: Aww, fine. You have to hit her with her sword while she's stunned, which is when you hit her with your slingshot when her eye is red. Oh Queenie...
[He disappears]
Navi: OK, GRAND GRAND FINALE TIME!
[singing]
Now you have to fight the curse!
Whether better or for worse!
Gotta kill the Queenie Gohma, she's Gohma,
Just kill her Link, just kill her Link WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!
And that's the song of Deku, WOOHOO!
{The music stops}
Link: THAT'S your grand finale?
Navi: Er, yeah.
Link: Hmm. It was no way as good as MY grand finale.
Navi: Aaahh... come on Link, let's go face your Destiny!
Chorus Singers: [angelically]
DEEEEESTIIIIINYYYYY!
[They look around confusedly]
Link: I'm confused.
Navi: Me too. Huh, let's go!
[Link opens the door to the boss chamber, and they walk inside]
(Scene: A big ugly room. Scratchy noises are heard on the wall, and Link and Navi look around scaredly.)
Link: AGGGH! WHAT'S THAT BIG UGLY THING ON THE CEILING?
[The big ugly spidery-type thing drops down, and hisses at Link.]
Gohma: GRAAAAR!
Navi and Link: [high pitched screaming] AAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
GOHMA: PARASITIC ARMORED ARACHNID
Link: AAGGGH! FORGET IT! I'M OUTTA HERE!
Navi: Link, her eye is red! Hit it!
[Link fires a slingshot bullet, which stuns her on the ground]
Navi: SWORD! SWORD! USE THE SWORD! KIIIIIILL IIIIIIIT!
[Link stabs Gohma once, and she dies]
Gohma: AAAGGGHHHHHH!
[She disintegrates. Link and Navi are left staring at nothing.]
Navi: That's... it?
Link: I... think so.
Navi: Gee, some curse. Why didn't the Deku Tree just belch it out and get it over with?
Link: Well, he's not exactly the sharpest tack in the box, that's for sure.
[A warp portal appears and Link and Navi hop in and float back to the Deku Tree meadow]
(Scene: The Deku Tree Meadow. "The Ballad of the Great Deku Tree Reprise" begins as the glow fades.)
Deku Tree: [singing Luciano Pavarotti style]
LIIIIINK! THOU HAST COME BACK TO MEEEE!
Link:
YES TREE! INDEED I HAVE!
Deku Tree:
YOU'VE BROKEN THE CURSE THAT CONTAINED ME!
Navi:
YES TREE! INDEED HE HAAAAAAAAAVE!
Deku Tree: [suddenly sadly]
I regret to inform ye...
Link: What to inform me?
Deku Tree:
Some most horrible news...
Navi: Uh oh! HOOORRIBLE NEWS!
Deku Tree:
I'm in midst of a battle...
Link: A big terrible battle!
Deku Tree:
And I'm going to LOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
Navi: What do you mean?
Deku Tree:
Though you tried so very valiantly to break this curse of mine...
Link: Yes?
Deku Tree:
No matter what you would have done I was dying the entire time!
Navi: NOOOO!
{music stops}
Link: You mean I just wasted a bunch of time in your stomach for no reason?
Deku Tree: Yes. You got a problem with it?
Link: Uh, YEAH!
Deku Tree: What are you going to do, cast a curse on me? Eh heh heh... Now, where was I?
Navi: Um, "Dying the entire time".
Deku Tree:
And before too long I will be gone but before that I SAAAAAAAAAAAY...
Link and Navi: WHAT DO YOU SAAAAY?
Deku Tree:
I will tell you the legend of the Triforce this day... so SIT!
[Link and Navi sit down]
(The scene of the meadow slowly fades to a dark night sky, and red, blue, and green lights whizzing through the sky)
Deku Tree:
Long ago before life and spirits existed when Hyrule was just a dead chaotic land!
The three golden goddesses came down from the heavens and created this whole world with their six hands!
Din, the Goddess of Power...
Upon the Earth did shower...
Fire to cultivate the land!
Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom...
Used her knowledge and goddessly-ism
To create a sense of justice and all that...
And Farore the Goddess of Courage...
Used her rich soul, to encourage
The life forms who would uphold law!
AND THEN THEY ALL JUST LEFT!
THEY JUST RAN AWAY AND LEFT!
AND THEY LEFT THE GOLDEN TRIANGLES BEHIND!
THE TRIFORCE!
THE MAGIC TRIFORCE!
WAS LEFT WHERE THEY RAN AWAY HERE, FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER!
And then the Sacred Realm...
Was built like a ship's helm...
TO PROTECT THE TRIFORCE AND ALL IT STANDS FOR!
(Scene fades back to the Great Deku tree meadow)
Deku Tree:
And now!
Link: Now?
Deku Tree:
This man...
Navi: Which man?
Deku Tree:
Ganondorf, the evil King of Thieves!
Cast a spell upon my bark!
That D@#$ power-hungry shark!
And it slowly sapped the power from my LEAVES!
Link: Oh no!
Deku Tree:
That man! HE SO DESIRED!
The Triforce, and the jewel that I HOLD!
He cast that stinking spell...
And now as you can tell...
In a while I'll just be
Great Deku MOLD!
Navi: Oh, poor Deku Tree...
Deku Tree: Link...
Link: Yes?
Deku Tree:
Take this stone!
Link: Um, it's not a KIDNEY stone, is it?
Deku Tree: Ewww, no!
[singing]
Take this stone!
The Kokiri Emerald!
And take it to the Castle of Hyrule!
There, you will meet a princess...
She is the princess of Destiny!
Chorus Singers: [angelically]
DEEESTIIIIIINYYYYY!
[All three look all around confusedly]
Deku Tree:
And she will understand everything...
Link: Um, OK.
Deku Tree:
BUT DO NOT CRY FOR MEEEE!
Link: I won't!
[Navi smacks him]
Link: Ow...
Deku Tree:
Now travel to the castle!
Hope it won't be a hassle!
SO GO!
Link: OK!
Deku Tree:
SOOOOOOOO...
SAYS THE MIGHTY DEKU TREE!
NOW GO, SAYS ME, THE DEKU TREE!
Link:
NAVI, LET'S STOP I HAVE TO PEE!
Navi:
UGGH! GO YOURSELF, DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!
All:
SO SAYS THE MIGHTY DEKU TREE!
[The Deku Tree tosses Link a shining green stone, the Kokiri Emerald, and Link and his fairy slowly walk out of the meadow.]
Deku Tree: [squeaky]
GOOD... BYE... NA...VIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
Navi:
Bye, De-ku Treeeeeeeee...
Deku Tree: AGGH! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AAGGGGHHHHHHH... [tongue hangs out of the side of his mouth, eyes turn into X's]
[He dies, and everyone in the forest bursts out crying all at the same time.]
(On the way out of the meadow, Link is stopped by Mido)
Mido: HEY! MR. GUY FORMERLY KNOWN AS NO-FAIRY! What did you do?
Link: What do you mean what did I do?
Mido: Everyone in the forest just burst out crying! The Deku Tree... did he... die?
Link: Um, no, he's perfectly fine.
Mido: Let me see!
[Mido runs to the meadow, we hear a loud scream]
Mido: AAGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHH!
[He runs back up to Link]
Mido: OH MY GODDESS! YOU KILLED THE DEKU TREE!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Navi: Did not! He... uh... DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES!
Mido: Did not!
Link: AHA! You admit I didn't kill him!
Mido: No, I was arguing with Navi whether or not he died of natural causes, you collective head of knuckle!
Link: Oh well, so I killed him! Big deal!
Mido: [screaming] HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT?
Other Kokiri: WHAT?
Mido: MR. GUY FORMERLY KNOWN AS NO-FAIRY KILLED THE GREAT DEKU TREE!
Other Kokiri: HE DID WHAT?
Mido: He killed out sacred deity and our father, the DEKU TREE!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Link: Did not!
Mido: Did too!
Link: Did too!
Mido: Did not!
Link: AHA! So you admit that I DIDN'T kill him!
Mido: Did not!
Link: Did too!
[Suddenly, their argument is interrupted by a wave of vegetables being thrown at Link by the Kokiri]
Kokiri: BOOOOOOO! DEKU TREE KILLER!
Link: I didn't kill him! [is hit in face with tomato]
Navi: Hey, when did they open a salad bar?
Link: Aw, shut up, Navi!
Navi: Hey Link, [is knocked down by a head of lettuce] let's go to the castle and meet the princess, like the Deku Tree told us!
Link: [hit by a carrot] Works for me.
Mido: DEKU TREE KILLER!
[Link and Navi trudge out of the forest, dodging vegetable after vegetable.]
Link: [singing slowly]
Nobody likes me...
Everyone hates me...
I have no friend in the world...
(Scene: The bridge just outside the forest. Link and Navi are heading out of the forest, when Saria appears out of nowhere)
Saria: Oh... you're leaving.
Link: Uh, yeah.
Saria: I know why you're leaving. You're different from me and my friends.
Link: Jeez Saria, you don't have to rub it in!
Saria: Sorry, but it's true! I was about to say... that's all right, because we'll be friends forever anyway.
Link: That's sweet, Saria.
Saria: I made this for you. [she hands him the Fairy Ocarina] Whenever you play it, think of me.
[Link attempts to play to Ocarina. It sounds squeaky and deranged]
Saria: Uh... you need practice.
Link: Thank you, Saria.
Saria: No problem. Um, but Link?
Link: Yes?
Saria: It's good that you're different from me and my friends, because if you're not, and you take three more steps that way, you'll drop dead.
Link: Oh, that's good then.
{Slow music starts, for "Link and Saria"!}
Saria: {begins singing opera-like}
If I weren't Kokiri
I'd come with you today!
But for now all I can do is give you this...
[takes Ocarina back and then gives it to him again]
Link, forever best friends we'll be...
[Link sniffles, and wipes a tear away from his eyes. Navi blows her nose in a hankie]
Saria: [singing slowly]
Maybe someday, I'll find a way to join you!
And to help you on your quest, whatever it be!
Maybe someday I can leave this forest!
MAYBE SOMEDAY I WILL LEAVE THIS KOKIRI!
Bo-dy... be-hind...
Link: [singing]
But Saria, remember me!
Saria:
I will!
Link:
But Saria, they'll always tease!
Saria:
I don't care!
Link:
But Saria, I may never return!
Saria: [holds up fist]
You had better!
Come... back... and... visit... me...
Link: OK, OK, I will!
Saria:
There's bound to be some changes.
Some rules will likely bend!
But no matter what happens
I'll always be your friend!
Link:
I may travel near and far
But no matter what I do
Part of me will be left right behind
And that part's here with YOUUUUUUUUUU!
Saria: Um, that's really, really too mushy.
Link: Oh. Sorry.
Saria:
So remember Link, wherever you go
There you are bound to be!
But there'll always be inside of you...
A lit-tle Ko-Ki-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
[Navi bursts out crying, and blows her nose on Link's hat]
Link: See ya around, Saria.
Saria: Bye, Link.
[Link grabs Navi, and the two of them run to the other side of the bridge and out of the forest.]
[Saria sighs and watches them go, then clears her throat.]
Saria: [suddenly perky] Well, he ain't getting any gone-er. I think I'll go to his house and rummage through his stuff! WOOHOOO!
~*~*~*END OF SCENE THREE*~*~*~