Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Four: Hyrule Field & Market ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA!- The Cheesy Zelda Musical

SCENE FOUR: HERE I GO AGAIN!

In This Scene:
Link and Navi, as always!
That D@&$ annoying owl, Kaepora Gaebora!
Various townspeople!
Malon, the ranch girl!
Various castle soldiers!

(Scene: Link and Navi step out of the log from the Kokiri Forest. Link is holding his breath, and Navi is closing her eyes)

[Link opens his eyes, lets out his breath, and sighs. Navi opens her eyes.]

Link: I made it! I didn't drop dead! WOOHOOO!

Navi: Ya know Link, I get the feeling you're not really a Kokiri...

Link: SHUT YO MOUTH!

Navi: Jeez, sorry...

[Suddenly, our hero and fairy are stopped by a very, very scary sounding laugh...]

Very, Very Scary Sounding Laugh: UY HOY HOY HOY HOY HOY HUOY HUOY!

Link and Navi: [high pitched screaming] AIEEEEEEE!

[They look up to see KAEPORA GAEBORA! THE EVIL ANNOYING OWL FROM HECK! Thunder crashes, lightning strikes]

Kaepora Gaebora: [singing to the tune of Kaepora Gaebora's Theme]
He-llo there
I'm Kaepora Gaebora [Thunder and Lightning]
The musical owl who is stalking you now
You must be Link
And you must be Navi
Now I'll be following you EEEEEVERYWHERE!

Link: PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME! Take Navi instead!

Navi: HEY!

Kaepora Gaebora:
AH, my friends
You seem to be confused
Kaepora Gaebora [thunder]
Doesn't want to hurt you
I only
Am stalking you because
You get to be a hero and I NEEEEEVER WAS!
So I dish out my use-less advice to
People who happen to pass by
I will be wherever you may go
I'll get so annoying that you'll STAAART TO CRY!

Link: Um, OK... we're kind of in a hurry, so could you please... leave?

Kaepora Gaebora:
The time has come
For you to start your journey
Don't get discouraged
Yadda, yadda, ya-da
Follow this trail to get to the castle
Where you will find your silly PRIIIIINCESS GAL!

[Link and Navi look very upset]

Navi: Thank you, thank you, can we go now?

Kaepora Gaebora:
Do you want me to repeat what I said?

Link and Navi: NO! NO! NEVER!

Kaepora Gaebora:
Now I torment you with my bad catchphrase
Which is actually hooting, you know...
HOOT HOOT HOOT HO!

[He flies away. Link and Navi sigh and look very relieved.]

Link: What kind of wicked creature from the depths of Nintendo heck was that?

Navi: Don't even ask...

Link: HEY! I just realized something!

Navi: What?

Link: This is my first time ever leaving the forest!

Navi: NO! It took you that long to figure it out?

Link: [oblivious to Navi, looks dreamy-eyed] I feel a song coming on...

Navi: Heaven help us...

[Slow rock music, gradually speeding up, as "Here I Go Again" (to the tune of the same song by White Snake) begins.]

Link:
I've been stuck inside that forest for so long...

Navi: No kidding.

Link:
Now I've gone my separate way, and I'm still strong!

Navi: Thank goodness...

Link: [singing louder]
I never though I'd be!
The only one to LEEEEEEAAAAVE!

Navi: And here comes the chorus...

Link: [marching towards castle grinning like an idiot and singing]
And here I go again on my own!

Navi: It's your first time, dummy!

Link:
Walking down the only road I've ever known!

Navi: You've never seen this road!

Link:
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone!

Navi: Hey, what about me?

[Link slides down on his knees and screams the last line of the chorus]

Link:
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND!
I AIN'T WASTIN' NO MORE TIIIIIIIME!

Navi: Link, nothing about that song is true! You've never seen this road, you've never walked off on your own, and you're also NOT ALONE!

Link: But it's such a good song and it's so appropriate!

Navi: Not really, but...

Link: [continues singing]
The road is wide and open
The plains are big and flat!
I'm leaving to the castle
And I may never come back!
AND there's no real way to tell
Where I'm going to end up
But no one can stop me
Cause my mind's made UUUUUUUUP!

Navi: Oh stop it, please!

Link:
And here I go again on my own!

Navi: I told you...

Link:
Walking down the only road I've ever known!

Navi: AGGGH!

Link:
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone!

Navi: I... AM... HERE!

Link: [knee-slides]
I MADE UP MY MIND!
I AIN'T WASTIN' NO MORE TIIIIIIME!

[Link starts to break dance, and a bunch of rabbits start to gather around him]

Rabbit #1: What's he singing about?

Rabbit #2: I don't have a clue...

Rabbit #3: But it's a good song!

[Link sings the third chorus, and the rabbits don top-hats and sing back-up. Navi gives a dejected sigh and flies back in Link's hat.]

Link:
And I here I go again on my own!

Rabbits:
Here he goes! Here he goes again!

Link:
Walking down the only road I've ever known!

Rabbits:
It's the only road that he's ever known!

Link:
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone!

Rabbits:
Like a drifter! A lonely drifter!

[All the rabbits and Link slide out on their knees]

Rabbits and Link:
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND!
I AIN'T WASTIN' NO MORE TIIIIIME!

Navi: ENOUGH!

[The music stops immediately. Link and the rabbits look at Navi]

Navi: This is getting ridiculous! The rabbits are sort of cute, but Link, I can't stand to hear another second of your singing!

Narrator: [voice] Little did Navi know, she would hear a lot more than a second of Link's singing! She would hear seven years worth! Oh, but that's another story...

[The rabbits hop away, and Link and Navi continue on their way to the castle.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Tap dancers on an external spiral staircase)

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI ARRIVED AT HYRULE CASTLE TOOOOOOWN...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: A bustling square. Er, that is... the large path to that bustling square.)

Link: WOW! The big city!

Navi: It's amazing!

Link: It's fantastic!

Navi: It's incredible!

[Link and Navi stroll into the main square]

Link: It's... not that big...

[They take a look around the square and realize it's really not that big. Then, Link and Navi casually stroll around town, talking to people]

Laughing Guy: Oh man! This guy is hilarious! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Guy Being Laughed At: Hey!

Laughing Guy: WOOHOOOHOOO! He tried to sneak into the castle to see Princess Zelda!

Navi: GASP! PERV!

Guy Being Laughed At: It wasn't my fault! I was almost in... I had snuck past the guards... swam through the moat... I even found a small drainpipe on the right side of the castle that led inside! But it was too small for me, and I got stuck...

Laughing Guy: AHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks to this idiot, they've tightened security around the castle! Now no one can get in!

Link: YOU JERK!

[Link pulls out his sword and beats the Guy Being Laughed At over the head with the hilt. He falls unconscious]

Link: Great, NOW what are we going to do, Navi?

Navi: Let's just talk to some more people first...

Pooch Lady: My Little Richard is so much cuter than all the other mutts around here!

Navi: Um... What other mutts?

Pooch Lady: The other dogs in town!

Link: WHAT other dogs? There are no other dogs here!

Pooch Lady: HMMPH! Of all the nerve!

Old Guy Who Thinks He Knows Everything: Say, young man... have you heard the legend of the "Shadow Folk"?

Link: Do I WANT to hear the legend of the "Shadow Folk"?

OGWTHKE: Well, there used to be these guys called the Sheikah... they were the shadows of the Hylians... they protected the Hylians and the royal family... yadda, yadda, yadda, so on, so forth... and now they're all gone! There's one Sheikah woman living in the castle though. OR SO THEY SAY!

Link: Gee, real interesting Mr. Guy.

[Link shakes Navi awake and they continue wandering around]

Random Guy: Do you think it's weird that packs of dogs roam our streets at night? Does that seem strange to you?

Navi: What's wrong with dogs?

Random Guy: Kids can't go out on the streets at night because of the wild dogs. They're scary!

Link: Heh heh heh... if you think a bunch of dogs are scary, wait till you see what'll be roaming the streets in about seven years!

Random Guy & Navi: HUH?

Link: I read ahead in the script.

Navi: [sighs] Come on, let's keep going...

Random Woman: Kid, have you been to Lon-Lon Ranch?

Link: No... should I have?

Random Woman: It's a great place. They have lots of beautiful horses, and their milk is delicious! And the daughter of the ranch owner is cute!

Link: I'll be the judge of that...

Navi: HEY! [slaps Link]

Random Woman: Well, why don't you see? There she is, standing in the middle of the market, singing randomly!

Link: Oh, OK...

[Link and Navi make their way over to the ranch owner's daughter]

Malon: OOO-OOO-OOO! OOO-OOO-OOO! OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOO!

Link: [gazes at Malon] SCHA-WIIIIING!

Navi: LINK!

Link: WOW! What a babe!

[Link runs over to Malon]

Link: [blushing] Hi...

Malon: [looks Link over] What the HECK is up with your clothes?

Link: Well, that wasn't quite the greetings I was expecting...

Malon: Oh... OH! You must be a fairy boy from the forest! My name's Malon!

Navi: Yeah, how long did it take you to figure THAT out?

Link: Malon... OH WHAT A HEAVENLY NAME THE ANGELS HAVE BLESSED HER WITH!

Malon: What?

Link: Oh baby... Blessed be the tree that gave the wood to make your cradle, sugar-lips...

Malon: EXCUSE ME?????

Navi: Ugh... nice pick-up line, stupid...

Malon: Um... as I was saying... My dad owns Lon-Lon Ranch. Dad went to the castle to deliver some milk, but he isn't back yet...

Link: Oh, what a shame...

Navi: Come on Link, enough talking to the pretty girl!

[Navi grabs Link and drags him away from Malon]

Link: What a babe... GAH!

[Link crashes into a young woman]

Young Woman: GAH!

Link: Jeez, you scared me!

Young Woman: Watch where you're going, Slaphead!

Link: Um, sorry...

[Suddenly, the woman's face changes expressions]

Young Woman: Do you know that legend of the Temple of Time that we have in the village?

Navi: Temple of Time? Sounds important.

Link: Oh no, not again... Do we WANT to know the legend of the Temple of Time?

Young Woman: Legend has it that the ancient Sages built the temple to protect the Sacred Realm from intruders, because the Sacred Realm is where the Triforce is!

Navi: So that means...

Young Woman: That's right! The Temple of Time is the entrance to the Sacred Realm!

Link: Hey! I thought this whole game was about finding the entrance to the Sacred Realm... so that's it?

Navi: NO, that's not IT!

Link: But Navi, how are we going to get inside the castle?

[Because he's not watching where he's going, Link crashes into a castle guard]

Link: OW!

Guard: HEY! Is this your first time here?

Link: Yeah, so?

Guard: THIS IS THE GREAT CITY OF HYRULE, KID! HAVE A LOOK AROUND!

Link: I did already!

Guard: Is that a threat?

Link: Um, no... I just said...

Guard: Hey kid, we do things a little differently around here! Now that you're here, you're going to have to do things OUR WAY!

Link: Jeez man, don't get so uptight!

Guard: Heh heh heh... I can see you're lost... take that road to get to the back-alleys... and take that road to get to the castle...

Link: Thanks a lot man...

Guard: HEY! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WORM! GET BACK HERE!

[Link and Navi race off down the road, to the big old castle...]

(Scene: The castle. Link and Navi are walking up the road, when all of a sudden...)

Very, Very Scary Voice: HOOT HOOT! LINK, UP HERE!

Link and Navi: AGGGGHHHHHH!

(Psycho music)

REEEE! REEEE! REEE! REEE!

Kaepora Gaebora: [Kaepora Gaebora song starts up]
Hello again
I see you've made it this far
Up there is the great castle of Hyrule
On this ground time flows normally, and blah-blah
I bet you already knew AAAAALL THAT STUFF!

Link: Oh please... leave us alone!

Kaepora Gaebora:
The Princess is inside that castle right there!
Just take the road that's straight ahead!
Just don't get caught by the castle guards or
They may be saying "Off With his HEAAAAAD!"

Navi: [crying desperately]

Kaepora Gaebora:
Did you get that?

Link: YES! YES! PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP!

Kaepora Gaebora:
HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT
HOOTY HOOT AND HO, OH
I NEED TO GO NOW SO I WILL SEEEEE YOU SOON!

Navi: Heaven forbid...

Kaepora Gaebora: HOOT HOOT HOOT HO! [He flies away]

Link: [sighs] That guy is creepy...

Navi: No kidding.

{Suddenly, slow jazz music starts up}

Link: Uh oh... I feel another song coming on...

Navi: Uh oh... me too! But... but I hate singing! Hold it back Link! Please!

Link: It's my first time here in town, so I think I'd better say...

Navi: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

{Sorry Navi, you're too late. "Hello City" (Barenaked Ladies) has already started...)

Link: [singing]
Hello City... HEY!

Navi: [singing]
Here we are at the Palace...
Cause there is nothing else to do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oo whoa...

Link:
There's new people...
New places...
New music...
Hot babes, and-

Navi:
I think this castle town is wasted and, sing it, LINK!

[We continue to hear Link and Navi sing as they walk up the path to the castle gates]

Link:
Hello City!

Navi: Hello City!

Link: You've found an enemy in me!

Both:
Whoa, whoa... whoa-oo-whoa!

Navi:
Hello City!

Link: Hello City!

Both:
Hello City, HEY!

Link:
Now we're here at the guard post.
And my green tunic shirt just reeks!

Both:
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oo-whoa!

Navi:
From the potion room
To the weapon room
To the doom and gloom
WHERE'S A HOTEL ROOM?

Link:
I wish this riverside village would get blown up to bits!

[They arrive at the guard post]

Navi:
Hello, Guard Man!

Link: Hello, Guard Man!
Will the Princess seek an audience with me?

Gate Guard:
No-ooooo, no-oo!

Link:
Oh please, Guard Man!

Navi: Come on Guard Man!

Both: LET'S TALK, GUARD MAN, HEY!

Gate Guard:
You two came here at a bad time!
(WOOHOO!)
You should come on back next week.
(WOOHOO!)

Link:
But I have to show her
This green rock that will shine
Says the Deku Tree!

Gate Guard: [rolls eyes]
It's six o'-clock in the evening.
It's late anyway, you creep
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oo-whoa!
Besides, the Princess
Would never be in the moody-mood
To-a TALK to you!

Link: [under breath]
I hope tomorrow that I wake up in my own bed...

Navi:
Come on, Guardy!

Link: Come on, Guardy!

Guard: In your dreams-a... HEEYYYYYY!

[The song ends with brief piano chords, and Link and Navi saunter away. They see Malon near a clump of vines that lead to a hilltop nearby]

Malon: [singing] OOO-OOO-OOO! OOO-OOO-OOO! OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOO!

Link: Hey, Baby...

Malon: Stop it.

Link: [turns away] Chilled!

Malon: Hey fairy boy...

Link: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

Malon: Are you heading for the castle?

Link: Um... yeah?

Malon: Would you mind looking for my dad? He must have fallen asleep on his way to the castle! What a thing for an adult to do!

Link: OK, yeah, I'll look for him... if you-

Malon: If you do, I'll give you this!

Link: Well, I was gonna say go out with me, but that works too-

[Malon gives Link the Weird Egg]

DU DU DA DAAAAAAAA!

Link: It's... an egg?

Malon: It'll hatch into a chicken!

Link: A... chicken?

Malon: Good luck Fairy Boy!

[Link climbs up the vines to think]

Link: Fairy Boy... who's she calling Fairy Boy?

[He reaches the top]

Navi: [singing rapidly]
LINK! OH LINK!
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

Link: Huh? Got what?

Navi:
A PLAN! A PLAN!
I REALLY GOT A PLAAAN!

Link: What is it?

Navi: Look over there!
This cliff is attached to the gate that we were just at!
We can go over the gate and sneak on up the path!

Link: Great idea, Navi!

Navi: SSHHHHH! Be very quiet, now...

[Link and Navi are sneaking very, very quietly over the top of the gate, when...]

Sound FX Guy: TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

Link: [high pitched scream] AGGGGHHH!

Guard: Hey, you! Stop! You, kid over there!

[Seconds later, Link finds himself on his butt in front of the gate he was at before.]

Link: OW!

Guard: And don't you try and come in again!

Navi: BIG JERK!

Link: Grrr...

Navi: Now we have to find another way...

Link: [looks evilly at the guards]

Navi: Uh... Link? I don't like that look in your eye...

Link: Of course they realize that THIS means WAR!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE FOUR*~*~*~*~*~*~