Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Five: Princess Zelda & Ganondorf ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
By Galaxy Girl

SCENE FIVE: ZOUNDS! IT'S ZELDA!

IN THIS SCENE:

Link. (DUH!)
Navi. (DUH AGAIN!)
Various guards!
Princess Zelda, the PRINCESS!
Ganondorf, the evil guy!
The mysterious king no one ever sees!
Impa, the Sheikah lady!
Random Dancer Girls!

(Scene: Link is standing near the castle gate, holding a small bag marked with a skull and crossbones symbol. Navi is hovering over his shoulder, as usual.)

Navi: [singing]
Link!
Are you sure this is a good idea?

Link: Of course it is!
[singing]
I'll be inside that castle in no time at all!

Navi:
But Link
How will that bag help you get in the castle?

Link:
It is a magic bag! And that is how!

[Link walks up to the front gate guard, who stares at him evilly]

Guard: What? Why are you back again? I told you that you can't come in here!

Link: Please?

Guard: No.

Link: Pretty please?

Guard: No.

Link: I'll pay you back!

Guard: [rolls eyes] Oh puh-lease. What could a stupid, poor little kid like you ever do for me?

Link: I'll let you see what's inside my magic bag.

Guard: What magic bag?

Link: This one.

Navi: [whispering] This isn't gonna work, Link! Why even try?

Guard: There's nothing in that bag.

Link: Oh sure there is! [he shakes the bag and it jingles]

Guard: What is it?

Link: Can't tell you till you let me in.

Navi: Come on! What's in the bag?

Guard: Aw, come on! PLEASE?

Link: Nope.

Guard: Oh... fine.

[He opens up the gate]

Guard: [drops on knees] PLEASE let me see!

Link: OK. Here ya go...

[He bashes the guard over the head with the bag. Unfortunately the guard is wearing a helmet.]

Guard: HEY KID! THAT IS A DIRECT FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH AUTHORITY, YOU BRAT!

Link: Uh oh...

Navi: Come on! What's in the bag?

Guard: [immediately forgets his duties] Yeah, come on! Show us! The firefly and I wanna see!

Link: Ugh... I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

(Chorus singers tap dancing up an external spiral staircase...)

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT INSIIIIIIDE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

(Scene: A small courtyard. The camera zooms in on a pretty young blonde girl in a turban, standing at a window and watching someone inside the castle)

{Zelda's Dream}

Zelda: [singing]
Father!
Why won't you believe me?
I've seen that man in my dreams!
And not in a romantic dream, either...
A dream
A dream of mass destruction
A dream of bad intentions...
A dream with lots of [squeakily] DEAAAATTTHHHHH!

[Zelda turns away from the window, and throws her arms out in the true musical dramatic style.]

Zelda:
That man...
And his army of scantily clad women
Came racing through the village
Plundering their pillage!
And killing [squeakily] EVERYONE!
But a flash of light
From the forest
Became a boy with a fairy!
Holding a stone so green and bright
That shined and shined away the night
AND OH!
Is this a prophecy?
What will become of we?
[makes a face, crosses arms]
OR ME?
[increasingly lower] Or ev-er-y-bo-dyyyyyy...
FATHER!
Listen to me this day!
Attention you should pay!
To this dream I had, OK?
Listen to me I say!
Before I must shout-

Link: [screaming rudely] HEY!

[The music stops abruptly, and Zelda spins around in shock]

Zelda: ACCCK! SECURITY! SECURITY! SAVE MY ROYAL HIDE!

Link: WHOA! Hey, hey, hey, sorry... sorry! Didn't mean to sneak up on you like that!

Navi: I can't believe you got in that way! My impression of you is totally ruined!

Link: Ah, hush up, Navi.

Zelda: [is shocked] I am shocked! Who are you? How did you get past the guards?

Link: I paid them.

[Zelda sees her guards dancing about the courtyard holding large amounts of money in their hands, helmets, pockets, pants, whatever.]

Guard 1: WOOHOOO! WOOHOOOO! WE'RE RICH! AAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Guard 2: YIPPEEEEEE! WE HAVEN'T BEEN PAID THIS MUCH IN THIRTY YEARS!

Zelda: [grumbling angrily] Remind me to fire them! HMMPH!

[Zelda pouts for a few minutes, then freaks out]

Zelda: WOW! Is that... A FAIRY???

Navi: I ain't a tennis ball.

Zelda: A REAL FAIRY! INCREDIBLE!

Link: Not really, if you think about it.

Zelda: [puts hands together hopefully] Then... then are you from the FOREST?

Link: Maaaaaaaaayyyyyyybe...

Zelda: YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?

Link: Yeah, yeah I am.

Zelda: Then... then you wouldn't happen to have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, would you? That green and shining stone?

Link: Well I-

Zelda: Do you have it?

Link: Gaaawwwwwwl, give me a chance to speak here, PLEASE!

Zelda: Sorry.

Link: No, I don't have it.

Zelda: [sighs] Awww...

Link: All I have is the Kokiri's Emerald.

Zelda: [eyebrows raised] YOU IDIOT! THAT IS THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF THE FOREST!

Navi: EXCUSE ME? I thought princesses were supposed to be quiet and gentle!

Zelda: [looks enraged] I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PRINCESS!

[Someone from offstage throws Zelda a copy of the script with a page bookmarked. Zelda picks up the book and gazes over the page, scratches her head, then gasps. She throws the book offstage, clears her throat and turns to Link again.]

Zelda: Um, I mean... JUST AS I THOUGHT!

[Link and Navi look at each other, very confused.]

Link: Um, yeah... why do you care?

Zelda: I had a dream the other night... In the dream, dark clouds were gathering over the land of Hyrule. Suddenly, a flash of light came out of the forest, and it turned into a boy holding a green and shining stone followed by a fairy! I believe that it's a prophecy that something bad is going to happen soon...

[She sees Link staring blankly at her.]

Zelda: What are you looking at?

Link: Hey Wow... you're pretty full out for a ten-year-old...

Zelda: [notices what he's looking at, gasps] AGH! YOU CAD!

Navi: LIIIIIIINK! I thought you had a crush on Malon!

Zelda: [darkly] Who's Malon?

Link: Yeah, who's Malon? OH! Oh, THAT MALON!

Zelda: I'll kill her!

Link: Why do you care who she is? You hate me, remember?

Zelda: I don't hate you... you're GORGEOUS! Oh wait... I'm sorry! I was so caught up with my dream I didn't even properly introduce myself!

Link: No need. I know exactly who...

[Zelda clears her throat, crosses her eyes strangely (just like in the game) and nods]

Zelda: I am Zelda, the Princess of Hyrule!

Navi: [dripping with sarcasm] NOOOOOOO! REALLY?

Zelda: Yes, really. What's your name?

Link: I'm Link, and this is my fairy, Navi.

Navi: Yo.

Zelda: Link... Strange, it sounds somehow familiar...

Link: ... yeaaaaaaah. Sure.

Zelda: [gazes sadly at Link] Yes... I told my father about my dream...

Link: Huh? Who asked?

Zelda: He didn't believe it was a prophecy.

Link: Oh, that Mysterious King No One Ever Sees.

Zelda: Yep, my dad, King Nounevasees.

Navi: THAT'S his name?

Zelda: Yep. Um, where was I? Oh yeah... Link, I trust you. I am going to tell you the Legend of the Triforce passed down by the Royal Family!

Link: No thanks, I've already heard it.

Zelda: No, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Navi: But...

Zelda: [singing very quickly as to interrupt Link]
When the Golden Goddesses ascended up into the heavens!
And left the Triforce thingy-doo behind!
If one person was to get hold
Of this Triforce, so nice and gold
It would check them for a righteous mind!
One wish will be granted...
A righteous mind's enchanted...
To lead Hyrule to peace and harmony!
If an evil mind gets its desires...
The land will be covered in fires
Of darkness and evil and STUFF!

So the Ancient Sages
Built the Temple of Time
To protect the mighty Triforce
From an evil person's crime
And now Sacred Realm is sealed by the Door of Time!
Only to be opened by three Spiritual Stones and...
The TREEAAAAAASSURE the Royal Family guards!
THE OCARINA OF TIME!

Chorus Singers: [out of nowhere, singing angelically]
OOOOOOOCCCCCCCCAAAARRRIIIINAAAA OOOOOOOOF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[Zelda, Link and Navi look around suspiciously.]

Link: Um, anyway... no offense, but that was sort of a different variation of the EXACT SAME STORY I HEARD NOT A DAY AGO!

Zelda: Oh. Sorry. That reminds me! Before you came, I was spying in this window. The clouds in my dream... I think they represent that man in there!

Navi: Oh. Cool.

Zelda: Um, Link, look in the window.

Link: I don't wanna!

Zelda: I COMMAND YOU!

Link: OK, OK... [he looks in the window] THAT is the dark clouds guy?

Zelda: What? Let me look!

[She shoves him aside, and notices that Link was spying at some guard's butt]

Zelda: NOOOO! Over there!

[Link looks in through the window, and we see a man who could only be the bad guy walk in.]

Zelda: That's Ganondorf Dragmire, the King of the Gerudo Thieves! He swears allegiance to my father, but I can tell he's really an evil guy... just look at all that black armor and hippie hair!

Link: Oooh...

[Suddenly, we can hear the dialogue inside the castle. Ganondorf approaches the throne, and bows to the king. His hand is behind his back, and only the audience can see Ganondorf flipping off the King behind his back.]

Ganondorf: Ah, your majesty... it is an honor to be invited here!

King Nounevasees (King N): Ah Ganondorf, it has been so long!

Ganondorf: Oh yes, too long. Not since high school, right?

King N: Oh yeah. Remember that hot girl I asked to the prom?

Ganondorf: Little Suzie Bixby... Oh, I haven't seen her in years! Hey wait... Didn't I ask her to the prom?

King N: Yeah, remember? Then I stole her from you by bragging about how I would be King of the World someday.

Ganondorf: [looks kinda of upset] Oh yeah... that Suzie Bixby...

King N: She told me all about how you put on your lucky choo-choo boxer shorts to ask her out, and made her swear she wouldn't tell anyone about them. Hee hee hee, that was the world's least kept secret! Jeez, everyone in our grade must have known about them!

Ganondorf: [turns pale]

King N: Oh yeah... those were the days...

Ganondorf: Well, how is... QUEEN Suzie, anyway?

King N: Oh, she kicked off about a month ago. Heh heh heh, but wasn't it funny how she said she would marry the guy who took her to the prom and then you thought it would be you, but it was me, your best friend? Hee hee hee...

Ganondorf: [annoyed] Now, what is it you called me here for?

King N: Oh yes! My senate has just approved a law that would join the Gerudos into the Hylian Alliance!

Ganondorf: [giggles like a schoolboy] Oh goody! I've always wanted my people to be able to join the Hylian Alliance! This puts an end to thousands of years of war between us!

King N: Oh yes... The law states that the Gerudos would quote on quote [he reads off of a piece of paper] "Be moved into Hyrule Castle Town..."

Ganondorf: Um, er... You majesty, if I may interrupt?

King N: No. I'm the King here! Anyway, um... "Be given free uniforms..."

Ganondorf: [stunned] Uniforms?

King N: Yeah. Garcon, bring in the uniforms!

[Garcon brings in two typical villager suits, one male, one female.]

Ganondorf: But your majesty! My tribe has been wearing the same clothes for centuries! And we wanna stay in the desert!

King N: Oh, those body armor suits and the leather straps are SO out! These are the latest, greatest styles for men and women!

Ganondorf: Body armor? You mean the Sheikah? They're the ones with the body armor.

King N: No... wasn't it the Gerudo who wore the body armor?

Ganondorf: No, sir... that's the Sheikah. The Gerudo? The all-women led by a man tribe that wear nothing but tube tops and parachute pants?

King N: THOSE ARE THE GERUDO? Aw, man! Then why did I pass the law already? I was going to write another law that moved all the scantily clad women into the Castle Town so I could watch them from my bedroom in the morning! Poopy.

Ganondorf: So you'll change the law?

King N: No way. Guess your girls are gonna have to move in with us and get rid of the tube tops.

Ganondorf: WHAAAAAT? Aw, man!

King N: Sorry, dude. But a law's a law. Well, you and the girls have a month to move out of your little desert abode, change out of your tube tops and come live with us. Have fun, now!

[Ganondorf sighs and walks out of the throne room. Just before he leaves, he throws his hands up, and...]

Ganondorf: YOU'LL PAY FOR STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND AND TAKING MY SCANTILY CLAD ARMY AWAY, KING NOUNEVASEES! I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

[Suddenly, he gazes at the window and sees Link staring at him]

Link: YIKES!

Zelda: What happened? Did he see you?

Navi: OH NO! THAT'S BAD!

Zelda: Don't worry. He didn't get a good enough look at you to spot you in a crowd.

[Navi shrieks in terror and see Ganondorf with his nose pressed to the window, staring at Link]

Zelda: EEEK! [she reaches up and pulls down the window shade] Don't worry. He doesn't have any idea what we're planning... YET!

Link: Huh? Plan?

Navi: What plan? What are we planning?

Zelda: I'm afraid... I'm afraid that man is going to try and destroy Hyrule! Link, it's up to us to protect the Triforce.

Link: It is?

Zelda: Link, I'm sending you on a royal mission! You have to travel around Hyrule and find the other two Spiritual Stones so we can open the Sacred Realm and protect the Triforce from Ganondorf!

Link: Hey you know, that sounds like a really BAD idea to me. HELLLOOOO? That dude has evil powers! He'll kill us in like, seconds.

Zelda: So? Just trust me. All of my plans always work.

Link: [staring at her dreamily] Whatever you say, honeybunch...

Zelda: [rolls eyes] I'll protect the Ocarina of Time...

Chorus Singers: OOOOOOCAAAAARIIIIINAAAAA OFFFFFF TIIIIIIIME!

Zelda: [looks around confusedly] OK... you have your mission now. You can leave.

Link: Aren't you even gonna tell us where the other stones are?

Zelda: Mmmm... nope. But I will write a letter for you. You should find it helpful!

[She takes out a pencil and writes a letter on Royal-Looking stationary]

Zelda: "Dear Whoever... This is Link and his pet tennis ball Navi..."

Navi: HEY!

Zelda: "Please let them do whatever they want... CAUSE I SAY SO! Love, Zelda."

[got an item music]

Zelda: Link... good luck on your journey. And as soon as you find the other stones, come see me!

Link: You mean I have to sneak in AGAIN?

Zelda: Maybe. BYE LINK! GOOD LUCK!

[Link and Navi walk down the steps of the courtyard. Zelda watches them go, and sighs]

Zelda: Oh, I think I love him...

Link: Man, I can't believe what I've gotten into now!

Navi: [majestically singing]
But Link!
This is your chance to
SAAAAAAAAVE the world like you wanted to
Destiny has-

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYYYYY!

Navi: [stops singing] Um... let's just keep walking...

Mysterious voice from nowhere: Hello.

Link and Navi: [accompanied by Psycho music]
AGGGGGHHHHHH!

[The stage darkens, and the spotlight shines on a silver haired woman with body armor and leather shoulder straps.]

Impa: Calm down. Sheesh, you kids today are so freaked out...

Navi: W-w-who are you?

Impa: I am Impa of the Sheikah. I'm Princess Zelda's nanny and attendant. Didn't she tell you about me?

Link: Nope.

Impa: [darkly] Ungrateful little worm! AHEM! Well... my role in the Princess's dream was to teach a song to the boy.

Link: And that boy would be me.

Impa: Exactly. This is the song of the Royal Family. I sing it for Zelda every night before she goes to bed, as I have done for many, many years.

Navi: How sweet!

Impa: Follow along with the song I play, then I'll go into an extended dramatic song, and then we'll have another musical number once we get outside.

Link: Um, OK.

[He takes out his Ocarina, and Impa whistles the tune of Zelda's Lullaby. Link repeats it on his Ocarina.]

Navi: Sweet! You've learned Zelda's Lullaby! Your first song!

{Slow piano music starts up, as well as the opening chords of "Zelda's Lullaby: Extended Version + GG's Lyrics"}

Impa: [singing slowly]
Dream sweet dreams...
Moonlight seams...
Drifting through the sky!

Through the trees...
Starlight breeze...
Don't be afraid to CRYYYYY!

[Navi wipes away a tear, and Link looks dreamily at the singing, also fairly scantily-clad Sheikah woman.]

Impa: [still singing]
I'll always be with you
Soul, heart and mind with you
Wherever you may go in TIIIIME!

Royal heart
Tomorrow starts
With Reason and with Rhyme

Golden Shine
Yours and Mine
For the rest of TIIIIIIME!

I'll always be with you
Soul, heart and mind with you
Wherever you may go in TIIIIIIIME!

[the song ends, and Link and Navi both burst out crying]

Impa: Wow, I didn't know I could sing that good.

Link: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN!

Navi: AWWWWWW CRIPES, I'M GONNA CRY! WAAAAAA!

[Impa rolls her eyes and gazes over at Zelda. She is asleep.]

Impa: Oops... and I just washed her turban, too!

[Link and Navi stop crying.]

Link: Well... now what?

Impa: There will be trouble if the castle soldiers find you. Let me lead you out of the castle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(G uess what? The Chorus Singers are back!)

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
IMPA LED THEM OUT OF THE CASTLE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(S cene: Outside, on Hyrule Field)

Impa: You brave lad. You're out on a strange new journey, aren't you?

Link: I thought we all understood that.

Impa: Look at that mountain there!

[He looks]

Impa: That is Death Mountain, home of the Goron people. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire you seek. At the foot of the mountain is my village, Kakariko, where I was born and raised. Then I took over and now it's really my village.

Navi: Fascinating.

Impa: Head to Kakariko next. From there, you should know what to do. The Princess will be waiting for you when you find the other Spiritual Stones. Remember, all of Hyrule is counting on you!

[Impa throws a magic marble and disappears]

Link: OK... now what?

Navi: You just learned your first song!

Link: REALLY?

Navi: Yeah!

[A latin beat starts]

Navi: OH NO! I feel another song coming on!

Link: NOT AGAIN!

Navi: I'm sorry Link, I-
[throws head back, howls]
AAAYYYYYOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[ Suddenly, lots of pretty women pop up out of nowhere and the background changes to a bright Technicolor piece.]

Link: WOMEN!

Navi: [singing in a high voice, to the tune of the (Heaven help us...) MACARENA by Los Del Rio!]
You got an instrument, it's an OCARINA!

Singer Girl #1:
Hello there son, you know my name is Tina!

Navi and Tina:
Girls like music!
They like men and
Especially ones
Who play in a band!
They like music
From an Ocarina
And you have one

Navi:
Take it now, Tina!

Tina:
Link plays a song
On his magic Ocarina
He plays it everywhere...

Link: [cutting in]
Hope I don't get a subpoena!

All:
Come Linky-Boy
Come and play your Ocarina!

[Link plays the bridge on Ocarina and everyone else sings]

All: HEEEEEEEEEY, OCARINA!

Navi:
Saria gave you that
When you were going to leave-a

Link:
Don't sing Navi
You sound like a dying beave-a!

All: HEEEEEEEEEY, OCARINA!

Navi: Hey, now!
[singing]
Ocarina doesn't really rhyme with Beave-a
The lyrics to this poor song you've really cleave-ad!
Now I think that we had better try and stop now
Before we get sued by Los Del Rio!

All:
Link plays a song
On his magic Ocarina
He plays it everywhere

Link:
Hope I don't get a subpoena!

All:
Come, Linky-Boy
Come and play your Ocarina!

HEEEEEEEY, OCARINA!

[I'll spare you the torture of the next two choruses...]

Tina:
Link, play songs on your little Ocarina
To open doors and get items many-a.

Navi: COME ON!
[singing]
Ocarina doesn't really rhyme with Beave-a
The lyrics to this poor song you've really cleave-ad!
Now I think that we had better try and stop now

Before we get sued by Los Del Rio!

All:
Link plays a song
On his magic Ocarina
He plays it everywhere

Link:
Hope I don't get a subpoena!

All:
Come, Linky-Boy
Come and play your Ocarina!

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY, OCARINA!

Navi: AIEEEEEEE!

[The song ends, the dancers disappear, and Link and Navi are left alone.]

Link: Hey, where'd all the pretty girls go?

Navi: Wowee, Link... what would Saria say if we told her we were going to save the world?

Link: Gee, I don't know Navi. Let's make this obvious hint of yours into our next stop so you don't say it again! Let's go back home and visit Saria!

Navi: What about all the rest of your friends?

Link: What other friends?

[Link and Navi walk off towards the Forest, the chords of "Hey OCARINA" playing in the background]


~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE FIVE*~*~*~*~*~*~