Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Six: Kokiri Forest & Lon-Lon Ranch ( Chapter 6 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
By Galaxy Girl

SCENE SIX: IT'S (DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNN) SARIA'S SONG! (AND JUST TO KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE... LON-LON RANCH, TOO!)

(Scene: The Kokiri Forest. The Kokiri are all standing around a large pile of Link's stuff, dousing it with gasoline. Mido is seated on top of the pile, barking orders.)

Mido: Come on, slow pokes! Let's teach that little jerk for killing our tree!

Kokiri 1: Hey Mido, why are you sitting up there instead of helping?

Kokiri 2: Yeah, why do we have to do all the work?

Mido: I'm too... SPECIAL to toil with you low-lives.

All Kokiri: [grumbling]

(In another part of the forest, Link and Navi arrive)

Link: It's good to be home again!

Navi: [takes a deep breath] Ah, yes! See the emerald green of the trees... hear the whoosh of the wind through the leaves... feel the shadows on your face... taste the fresh air... smell the gasoline being used to set a bonfire to all your stuff, Link...

Link: Ah yes, smell that gasoline... [eyes pop out] GASOLINE?!

Mido: [still on top of pile] All right you guys, ready with the match? One... Two...

Link: [racing over] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mido: WHAT? What are YOU doing back here so soon?

Link: What are YOU doing burning down all my stuff?

Kokiri 3: You killed our tree!

Link: NO I DID NOT! Ganondorf killed your tree!

Kokiri 4: Who, pray tell, is Ganondorf?

Link: The guy who killed the tree. Burn down all his stuff, why don't you?

All Kokiri: YEAH!

Mido: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! Why are you listening to HIM? He killed our tree!

Link: I just told you, GANONDORF killed your tree.

Kokiri 4: Who, pray tell, is Ganondorf?

Link: The guy who killed the tree. Burn down all his stuff, why don't you?

All Kokiri: YEAH!

Mido: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!

Navi: Hey, does this seem... REDUNDANT to anybody but me?

Link: I'll say. Mido, put all my stuff back where it belongs, this instant!

Mido: Who's gonna make me? TREE KILLER!

Link: [triumphant pose] Me, the future hero of Hyrule!

[The Kokiri all gaze at each other, then burst out laughing]

Kokiri 1: WHAT A LAUGH! AAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kokiri 2: Oh sure, HE'S THE HERO OF HYRULE! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Kokiri 3: OH MAN! THAT GUY'S A RIOT! AAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!

Kokiri 4: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!

Mido: AAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA! OH NO! We'd better do what he says, or the HERO OF HYRULE is gonna KILL US! WHOAAAAA!

Link: Fine, laugh at me... Where's Saria?

Mido: [between giggles] LOST... WOODS... SACRED... FOREST... MEADOW! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

[Link and Navi both shrug and head for the Lost Woods]

Navi: But what about your stuff?

Link: It's all right.

[We can hear Mido screaming at the Kokiri to get their matches ready]

Link: [loudly] The only "stuff" I have is my furniture, and that I nailed to the floor. Everything else I "borrowed" from Mido...

Mido: [hears what Link said] Huh? Wait a sec... THAT'S MY BLANKIE! NOOOOOOO! STOP! DON'T LIGHT THAT...

Sound FX Guy: FWOOOOOOOSH!

[Mido starts screaming in pain. We see him grab something out of the pile and jump out quickly]

Mido: [holding tiny charred piece of cloth] It's all right, Mr. Hokey Poke Jones... you're safe now...

(Scene: Brief tambourine beats play as Link and Navi step through the log that leads to the Lost Woods. The angelic voices of the chorus singers echo through the woods, as they sing "Saria's Song".)

Link: Wow, I'm lost already!

Navi: I think we go that way!

Link: Er, OK...

Angelic Voices: [Saria's Song]
Ooh, ohh ooo!
Ooh, ohh ooo!

[Link and Navi run around for a bit, when suddenly]

Demonic Voice: UHOY HOY HOUY HOYU HOY!

Link: Only two people in Hyrule laugh like that!

Navi: One of them we haven't met yet, so it must be...

Kaepora Gaebora: HOO HA!

Link and Navi: AAAGGGGGHHH!

Kaepora Gaebora: [singing to that horribly annoying little theme song of his]
La, la, la
That song gets real annoying
And it's guaranteed to drive your parents wacko
If you find yourself stuck in the Lost Woods
So I'll give you a clue to help you out
When you're going the right way the song will
Be playing very loudly
And if you go the wrong way you won't be able to hear it at all!
So listen and you will be OK
Would you like to hear what I just said again?

Link: [crying] NO! NO, PLEASE!

Kaepora Gaebora:
Ha, ha, ha
I find you quite amusing
Even thought I must be going right now.
Hoot, hoot, hoot HOOOO!

[The Owl of Heck goes flying away, and Link and Navi sigh in relief]

Navi: Aggh... and people say I'm annoying!

Link: Well, even though I already knew what to do, let's go... [listens for a minute] This way!

[He points, and Navi follows him]

Chorus Singers: [angelically]
Kokiri, Kokiri
Link is lost again in the Kokiri!
The Kokiri!

[Scooby-Doo style scene in which Link and Navi run in and out of tree tunnels until finally...]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dancing]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT TO THE SACRED FOREST MEADOW...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: Phew! [emerges from bushes] That was tough!

Navi: Yeah, but we finally made it! And look! Just through that hedge maze is the Forest Temple, where Saria is waiting for us!

Link: Ooh... [runs into the maze]

Navi: Uh oh! [falls to ground, rolls around, screaming] ANNOYING... FAIRY GUARDIAN... INSTINCTS... KICKING IN... MUST... GIVE... OBVIOUS... STATEMENT! NOOOOOOOOO!

[Navi flies in front of Link, stopping him.]

Navi: [glowing odd color, monotonous, shrill and annoying] LISTEN! You never know what will be waiting right around the corner... Use the Z button to look in the proper direction to see what will be around the next corner!

Link: Whoa, Navi! What's going on with you?

Navi: MUST... FIGHT... ANNOYING... MOTHER-LIKE... NAGGING... AAAAAAAGGGH- hmm? What's that?

Link: Er, never mind.

[Link runs through an annoying hedge maze with Mad Scrubs shooting their nuts {A/N: Don't be perverted, you lechers!} at him from every direction. Finally he makes it through, gasping and injured, where he sees Saria sitting on a log, playing this slightly irritating song.]

Link: Must... get... health!

Saria: Hi, Link! I see you made it here safely.

Link: UGGGGGH... [passes out]

Navi: I wouldn't say... just that.

Saria: Oh. Um... all right then... [kicks Link in the shin]

Link: OW! OW! I'm up!

Saria: Good! Link, this is the Sacred Forest Meadow. This is my secret place.

Link: Then how come Mido and the rest of the Kokiri know about it?

Saria: Er... well, it's supposed to be my secret place. I feel... I feel that this place will be very important to both of us someday.

Navi: I know. You'll be the guardian of the temple, and Link will have to come here to-

Link: Huh?

Navi: You're not the only one with a script, pal!

Saria: Um... right... Well anyway, when you play the Ocarina here, you can talk to the forest spirits. Would you like to play the Ocarina with me?

Link: Why not?

Saria: OK, try to follow along with my song on your Ocarina.

Link: I think I can handle it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK LEARNED SARIA'S SONG...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saria: [giggles, it echoes all around creepily] Great! When you want to hear my voice, play Saria's Song. You can talk with me anytime!

Link: Hey, I thought you said I could talk to FOREST Spirits. You're not a FOREST Spirit.

Saria: Hmmm... that's weird. Well, I'll shut up and keep playing my Ocarina without saying goodbye now. [does just that]

Link: [walking back towards entrance to Lost Woods] Say, Navi... if this is a musical, how come we didn't do any singing here?

Navi: Because, it's hard to write lyrics for Saria's Song! Hey, you know what? I know where we should go next!

Link: Where?

Navi: Lon Lon Ranch!

Link: Why?

Navi: I don't know! Just cause I want to!

Link: And I can say hi to Malon again... Geh heh...

Navi: Let's do it! Let's do it for the sake of length and for the sake of saving the author some time! Oh, but going to the ranch would take an awfully long time...

Link: Not when you've got a pen and a copy of the script!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(in scribbly writing)
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI LEFT THE FOREST, HEADED WEST ON HYRULE FIELD UNTIL THEY REACHED LON-LON RANCH...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Lon-Lon Ranch. A beautiful western style ranch, with horses, cows, and chickens all around.)

Navi: Ooh! Aah!

Link: [mumbling] Lon-Lon Ranch... TaLON and MaLON... How irritatingly stupid.

Navi: Hey look, there's someone new!

[She points at a very irritated looking man with freaky eyebrows, carrying a bucket of... stuff.]

{Beginning of the Lon-Lon Ranch Song}

Link: [singing]
Hello, sir.
I am Link!
And this is Navi!
And who are you?

Ingo: [walking along, mumbling and singing]
Ingo is my name
A disgruntled stable hand am I!
I just hate working here.
Hey kid you just stepped in a big cow pie!

Link: [looks down, groans] Ew...

Ingo:
I hate this stupid place.
I hate the owner and his daughter, too!
I hate the stupid animals
So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!

[Ingo dons a top hat, and starts dancing with his pitchfork]

Ingo:
T-A-K-E-O-V-E-R, Hostile Takeover!
E-V-I-C-T, Evict Talon, too!
J-E-R-K, Be a jerk to Malon and make her a slave to me!
And S-U-P-P-O-R-T the nearest evil ruler I can see!

Navi: So you'll...

Ingo:
F-I-L-T-H-Y, I'll be filthy stinkin' rich!
M-I-S-E-R-L-Y, miserly too!
R-U-F-F-L-E-S, I'll have big ruffles on my shirts!
And T-I-G-H-T-S, I'll have from shades of magenta to blue!

Link:
You're not a very nice man, Mr. Ingo...

Ingo:
Oh yeah kid, like I haven't heard that one before!

Navi:
If you keep whining about your job and carrying on like this,

Link and Navi:
You will find yourself without a job and thrown right out the door!

Ingo:
B-E-A-T, BEAT is what I will do to the horses!
And B-E-T-T-I-N-G them too!
L-O-S-I-N and G is what my downfall will be!
When I lose a H-O-R-S-E to some dumb punk like you!
WAAAA!

Link: You certainly have this all planned out.

Ingo: I DOOO! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Navi: [whispering] Link, he's scary...

Link:
Sounds like someone needs some T-H-E-R-A-P-Y, indeed!
You're N-O-T the type of guy I like to know...
If it is all right with you, Mr. C-R-A-Z-Y,
My fairy and I have really got to go...

Ingo: MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! (thunder and lightning)

Navi: [hastily pushes Link into the nearest door] Eeeesh. He's creepy.

Link: Well, I can certainly hope that HE'S the creepiest guy we'll meet on this screwy journey of ours.

Narrator: But Link didn't know how wrong he was!

(Scene: Link and Navi are standing inside the ranch house. Chickens are pecking around everywhere. Talon is asleep near a table, and there are three chickens pecking around near him.)

Link: Hey, wake up, pal!

Talon: ZZZZ... HONK! Hey! Ah'm awake already!

Link: That's right, bub!

Talon: Hey... you're that forest kid from the other day!

Link: I... am?

Navi: Sure you are, Link. Remember? We skipped over the part when you met Talon because the Chorus Singers made a long story short.

Link: Oh yeah.

Talon: By th' way, thanks fer wakin' me up... Took some doin' but I finally got Malon back in a good mood! So, whatcha up to t'day? Got some free time on your hands?

Link: [looks frightened] Uh... I'm afraid to answer...

Talon: How about a lil' game? It's really easy!

Link: Um, OK, why not?

Talon: See these here Cuccos?

Navi: What?

Talon: Cuccos.

Link: What?

Talon: Cuccos.

Link: You mean chickens?

Talon: No, Cuccos.

Navi: Chickens.

Talon: Cuccos.

Navi: Chi-

Talon: CUCCOS!

Link: OK! OK! Cuccos! Whatever you wanna call them!

Talon: These three are special "Super Cuccos".

Navi: Chickens.

Link: Shut up, Navi.

Talon: I'll throw these three into that thar gaggle o' normal Cuccos. If you can find these three within 50 seconds, you get something good.

Link: Um, OK.

[Talon throws the chickens in, Link finds them within 15 seconds.]

Talon: Mah gosh! It's plumb incredible! You got the skills to be the world's best cowboy!

Link: Hey Talon... if this is... what, 1600-something, cowboys aren't going to exist for another 260 years.

Talon: ... Aw, hush up. Anyways, for yer prize... Ya wanna marry Malon?

Link: [Eyes bug out] Hey, man! Hey! Now there's another woman in my life! Malon and I are over! Done! Kaput!

Navi: WHAAAT?

Link: My heart belongs to another! ZELDAAAAA!

Navi: It does not.

Talon: Uh, Ah was just kiddin'. Jus' kiddin'. You're a bit young for that, don't cha think?

Link: You're weird, mister.

Talon: Here, instead take this bottle o' Lon-Lon milk. It'll energize the crap outta ya if yer tired.

Link: [takes sip of milk, gets milk mustache, winks at the camera and gives a thumbs up] Milk! It does a body good!

Navi: Thanks, weird man.

Link: And by the way... I'd keep an eye on that stable hand of yours.

Talon: Ingo? Why, don't be ridickerous! I'd trust Ingo wit' my life!

Link: And people wonder why they don't live over the age of 40...

Navi: OK, fine then... trust the guy who's out there building a replica of the ranch and stomping it down with dolls.

[Link and Navi walk back outside, humming.]

Ingo: [playing with a doll that looks like him, making it smash a little replica of the ranch]
[singing]
R-U-L-E-R, that's what I am now that I'm big!
A-L-M-I-G-H-T-Y, I'm that toooooooo!

Navi: [whispers to Link]
I think someone needs to see a S-H-R-I-N-K...

[Making their way to the center of the corral, Link and Navi see Malon, singing randomly and petting a baby horse with a reddish brown coat and a white mane.]

Malon: [singing Epona's Song]
OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!
OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!
OOO-OOO-OOOOOOOO-OOOOO- OOOOOOOO!

Link: Aggh, my ears!

Malon: [to the tune of Epona's Song]
Oh, hello!
Fairy Boy!
How are you today?

Link: [turns red, cringes] Hi...

Malon:
How was the castle?
Did you see the princess?

Link: Oh, yeah I did baby... [growls]

Malon: [raises eyebrows]
OOOK...
Anyway
I want you to meet
This brand new friend of mine, Fairy Boy!

Link: [cringes]

Malon:
It's this horse, see.
Her name is Epona!
Isn't she so very cute?

Epona: [neighs]

Malon:
I'm going to raise her to be the best racing horse in all of Hyrule!
Fairy Boy!

Link: [cringes] My name... is Link.

[Link groans and reaches out to pet Epona, but Epona whinnies in fear and runs away]

Link: Whoa, hey! Malon, is that horse paranoid or something?

Malon:
It seems like
Epona
Is afraid of you Faaaaaaaaairy Boy! Oh, it's true!

Link: [cringes]

Malon: Do you like the song I'm singing?

Link: Not particularly, no.

Malon: My mother wrote it. It's beautiful, isn't it, Fairy Boy?

Link: [cringes]

Malon: Let's sing together...

[Link stands there blankly, staring at Malon for a few minutes. Malon continues singing, then stops and looks at Link.]

Malon: Well? Can't you sing?

Link: Um... just a sec... [pulls out his Ocarina]

Malon: Oh, cute Ocarina! Are you going to play this song with it, Fairy Boy?

Link: [cringes]

Malon: OK, let me teach it to you. It goes like this. [sings song]

Link: [plays it back]

{You learned an Ocarina song music}

Link: Hey, it's really not that bad of a song if you think about- AAAAGGGH!

[Epona comes racing over, tackles Link to the ground, and starts licking his face like a dog]

Link: AAYYYY! GOOD EPONA! NIIIIICE EPONA! OW! OW! OW!

Malon: [giggles] It looks like Epona has grown fond of you, Fairy Boy!

Link: [stops yelling, cringes]

Malon: Maybe someday when we're older I can teach you to ride Epona!

Link: Why would you do that? [pushes Epona away]

Malon: Cause I like you!

Link: Uh, why? We only just met yesterday!

Malon: I don't know. I just do. Fairy Boy...

Link: [cringes] Well, gee... thanks... [blushes, shuffles away]

Navi: Oh, real smooth, Fairy Boy!

Link: [cringes]

Navi: Well, what do you want to do n- [freezes, glows blue] AAAAAGGGH! NAGGING... TAKING... OVER... MUST... [monotonous voice] Impa said that the Spiritual Stone is somewhere on Death Mountain... We should go there next...

Link: Er, OK. Why?

Navi: [monotonously] BECAUSE ZELDA SAID SO...

Link: And why should I listen to her?

Navi: BECAUSE SHE IS THE PRINCESS AND YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HER...

Link: I do not. I like Malon.

Navi: YOU JUST TOLD TALON THAT...

Link: I know. I changed my mind.

Navi: YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE...[stops glowing, hits the ground] OOF! Ah, I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

Link: So, off to Death Mountain, then?

Navi: Sure!

[Link and Navi stroll out of the ranch and onto the field]

[The sun goes down]

Link: Ah, the plains at night...

Navi: Uh oh...

Link: What, uh oh?

Navi: Maybe you'd better speed it up and get to Kakariko pretty quick, k?

Link: Why?

Navi: Because I said so...

Link: Oh, and what are you gonna do, Navi? MAKE ME? Heh heh heh... Look at me! I'm going slowly across the...

[A Stalchild pops up out of the ground and groans, reaching for Link]

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! !!!!

[Link splits off for Kakariko, and Navi hovers slowly, way behind him.]

Navi: That's why...


~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE SIX*~*~*~*~*~