Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Seven: Kakariko Village ( Chapter 7 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
by Galaxy Girl

SCENE SEVEN: KAKARIKO, HO! (Hey, how come half the chapters name either rhyme or have alliteration like nuts?)

In this scene:
(As always) Link, the Hero!
(As always) Navi, the Fairy!
Several Random Villagers!
The Guard!
The Weirdo Carpenters!
and a special appearance by...
(DUN DUN DUNNNNN...) The DWG!
And as always, your very favorite Narrator and Chorus Singers!



(Scene: Link and Navi are dancing along the field, singing on their way to Kakariko Village.)

Link:
Oh, we're movin' right along...

Navi:
Footloose and fancy free!

Link:
Come on let's sing another song...

Navi:
This one is annoying!

Link: So... [stares up long staircase into mountains] This is the gateway to new adventure, Navi...

Navi: Whatever, enough with the inspirational and obviously cheesy lines.

Link: But this is a cheesy musical.

Navi: It is?

Chorus Singers:
YES NAVIIII... IT REALLY IS!

Navi: I didn't know that.

Link: So I'll say as many weird lines as I want to. [strikes triumphant pose] Look Navi! The gateway to adventure... The gateway to new people and places... The gateway to Destiny!

Chorus Singers: [angelically]
DEEEEESTIIIIINYYYYYY!

Navi: AGH! [clutches (invisible, fairy) chest] I thought we'd gotten rid of those singers...

Link: The De-

Navi: SHHH! [clamps hand over his mouth] We all know what they say... Just... keep going...

Link: [shrugs, walks up stairs to Kakariko Village]

(Scene: A panning, flowing camera zoom over the lovely village of Kakariko; the windmill, the houses, majestic Death Mountain looming in the distance. The camera freezes for a minute on the graveyard, and lightning and thunder strike and deep organ music plays)

Kakariko Residents: [singing to the tune of "The Ballad of Rock Ridge" (Blazing Saddles)]
This is the town of Kakariko...
Nothing bad happens here at all...
It is a peaceful, quiet village...
Even though it is rather small...
It once belonged to all the Sheikah...
But since they've all gone MIA...
Great Impa, Zelda's fine attendant...
Opened it up the other day...
Some of us are poor, others sickly...

Skulltula Family: [screeching from inside their house]
AND OTHER ONES OF US ARE CURSED!

Residents:
But since Impa is so kind and gentle...
We'll stay here until life gets worse...
It's home to evil shadow spirits...
And a well full of demons bad...
The graveyard's home to the Shadow Temple...
Inside, it's really kind of sad...
But we all live naïve and clueless...
About these bad things all around...
We wander blankly through life thinking...
That we live in a perfect town...
But don't you get the wrong idea...
About this town Kakariko...
We're all so happy to belong here...
We all are- Are... uh... um...

Random Woman: Hey, what's the next line?

Random Man: I don't think anything rhymes with "Kakariko".

Random Woman 2: Er...

Random Man 2: SHHH! Look! The kid's here!

[All the residents get back to their daily jobs]

Link: Ahh... nice town.

Navi: Now what?

[Link looks at her and shrugs, but a dark shadow descends over him...]

Navi: Link... AAGGGH!

Creepy Voice: DING DONG! DING DONG!

Link and Navi: [screaming bloody murder and spinning around]

[They are face-to-face with a soldier, who is wearing a party hat and has a boom box rigged into his armor, which is multi colored]

Link: AAGGGH! A- huh?

Soldier: DING DONGGGG! I'm a clock soldier of KAKARIKO! HOO HOO HOO HAAAAA!

Navi: [flies behind Link's head] Whoa... scary...

Link: Some guardian fairy you are...

Soldier: THE CURRENT TIME IS 2:00! HOOHOOHOO HAAAAAA! Say KID! Ya know where you are? HUH? DO YA DO YA DO YA?!?!

Link: Yeah. Kakariko Village.

Soldier: WOW! How did you KNOW THAT?

Link: It says to in big white letters right above your head.

[The soldier looks up: what Link said is true]

Soldier: Oh. SAY KID! DID YOU KNOW that this used to be a SHEIKAH VILLAGE!? BUT NOW ALL THE Sheikah are gone, so Impa THE GREAT ATTENDANT OF PRINCESS ZELDA opened up the village for all the UNWORTHY SLOBS AND SLACKERS WHO ARE POOR!

Navi: Why does your voice keep zooming in and out of range?

Soldier: I don't KNOW WHAT you MEAN! [presses the button on his armor, and his boombox starts blaring out music]

Link: Uh...

Soldier: [singing loudly and squeakily] BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE-
Love grows, where my... ROSEMARY GOES AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY KNOWS LIKE ME!

Navi: We... really have to get going now! Bye!

[She ushers Link away from the guard quickly]

Soldier: OK! BYEEE! HAVE FUUUUN!
[crooning]
HERE WE ARE NOWWWWW, GOING to the NORTH SIDE! I LOOK AT my friend and we HOPE WE DON'T DIEEEEE...

Link: He was... nice.

Navi: In an amusingly psychopathic sort of way.

Link: Well, I think we've finally met someone stranger than Ingo.

Navi: The S-I-N-G-I-N-G guy? I don't think so.

Link: Oh come on! That guard had multi-colored armor and a party hat!

Navi: All right, all right... those two are definitely the weirdest and least sane people in Hyrule.

Narrator: [everyone else freezes, glides onto the scene] Unbeknownst to Link and Navi, but knownst to us, they were going to meet several hundred more weird and barely sane people on their long journey!

[Narrator glides mysteriously offstage, and everything resumes]

Chicken Lady: [screeching] AAAAAGGGGH! MY CHICKENS! MY PRECIOUS CHICKENS! AAAAAAGGGGHHH!

Link: Hey, what's up, lady?

Chicken Lady: [high pitched and screechy] MY CHICKENS HAVE RUN AWAY! GET THEM BACK!

Link: Why can't you?

Chicken Lady: I'M ALLERGIC TO THEM!

Link: [pauses] You're a chicken farmer... who's allergic to chickens?

Chicken Lady: THAT'S RIGHT!

Link: [shakes head sadly] Holy shamoley, that is sad.

Chicken Lady: DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GET THEM BACK!

Link: [shrugs] Why not?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK GOT ALL THE CHICKENS BACK TO THE PEN AND GOT THE CRAP PECKED OUT OF HIM SIMULTANEOUSLY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: [bruised and very beat up] Here you are lady... the last one...

Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! I'm so happy! [grins] Take this in return! It's fine glass, and should help you. Take good care of it or I'll sick my bloodthirsty chickens of the apocalypse after you!

[She hands him a bottle. He places it in his backpack and nearly falls over from loss of blood]

Navi: I told you not to hit them.

Link: It wouldn't move! There was no other way to get it away from the wall!

Navi: I bet the Hylian chapter of PETA isn't up with that.

Chicken Lady: Oh wait... didn't I have 8 chickens?

Link: [shrieks in terror and runs away]

Navi: Hey, we should go to the graveyard sometime.

Link: Why?

Navi: Cause I said so.

Link: All right, all right. Let's wait until after dark. You can't find anything good in a graveyard until after dark.

Navi: What are ya, NUTS?! That's when the brain-eating zombies come out.

Link: Well, we still have a couple hours to go. Let's randomly visit a few houses.

[They walk into the Skulltula house]

Navi: Yech... someone hasn't cleaned in a while...

Voice: Well, it's hard to clean when you have eight legs...

Link: Huh?

[Six big, ugly, mutated spiders drop down from the ceiling and surround Link and Navi]

Both: AAAUUGGH!

Skulltula Kid 1: No! Wait! Don't scream!

Skulltula Kid 2: Please! We're nice!

Skulltula Kid 3: Well, we are now anyway...

Skulltula Kid 4: Shut up, Carl!

Skulltula Dad: We look this way because of the spider's curse...

Navi: Sp-sp-spider's curse?

Skulltula Dad: Yes... it's a terrible curse... why don't we tell you about it...

Link: Uh, no, that's really...

[Too late. Sad piano music starts up, and all six spider mutants dig microphones out of their... pockets. To the tune of Matchbox 20's "Bed of Lies" (you probably haven't heard it, but it's a great song)]

Skulltula Dad:
We're all cursed to sleep... In this web of lies.
Cause we were nasty and... greedy.
And there'll be no rest for these spider's eyes...
No freedom until they're all dead...

Skulltula Kids: Ooooo...

S. Dad:
I made a whole bunch of money selling out on E-bay...
I made a whole bunch of moolah on my stocks...
But it wasn't ENOUGH JUST TO HAVE MONEY!
I wanted to have all of the money in the world...

S. Kids: Ooooooo...

S. Dad:
Just like me... My kids got greedy...
And they squirreled all their Rupees... away
And we all did surrender to the CURSES of greed... as they came!

S. Kids: Ooooooo...

S. Dad:
We're all cursed to sleep... In this web of lies
Cause we were nasty... and greedy.
And there'll be no rest for these spider's eyes...
No freedom until they're all dead.

S. Kids: NO FREEDOM UNTIL THEY'RE ALL DEAD!

[They all shimmy back and forth, and the dad starts to sing again]

S. Dad:
We though life was good until the whole thing just turned over...
This old beggar man showed up and pleaded for some food...
We turned him away and called him a beatnik...
Turns out he was magic and our greed it did us in...

S. Kid 5:
Now we've all been cursed like this!
And our money and stuff went away

S. Dad:
But that don't really matter
All we really want's our freedom... AGAAAAAAAAIN!

S. Kids: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

S. Dad:
We're all cursed to sleep... In this web of lies
Cause we were nasty... and greedy.
And there'll be no rest for these spider's eyes...
No freedom until they're all dead.
No freedom until they're all dead.

There's the spiders, you see...
They are gold... made from our greed...
Kill them all... All 100, you see...
I know that it's hard, but PLEASE HELP US! WE NEED THIS!

All Skulltula Family:
We're all cursed to sleep... In this web of lies
Cause we were nasty... and greedy.
And there'll be no rest for these spider's eyes...
No freedom until they're all dead.
No freedom until they're all dead...

[the song ends on a few depressing notes, and the Skulltula dad looks up hopefully]

S. Dad: So... whaddya say, kid? Will you-

[Link and Navi are gone. The door has been left open, and it looks like they left right at the beginning of the song.]

S. Family: Awww...

S. Dad: Don't worry, kids! I'm sure he's gonna do it! I am! I really, really am!

(Scene: Outside)

Link: [shakes head sadly] This is a strange and musical village.

Navi: That's for sure. And we've only been here for 10 minutes!

[Link walks a few more feet and freezes in terror. Up ahead of him is a group of very... very... um... ODD looking carpenters in a line.]

Link: Navi... what are they doing?

Navi: I don't know... but I have this awful, awful feeling that they're going to do a musical number...

[Slow piano music suddenly starts up, and it begins to rain. Link looks around at the rain in surprise, and then realizes that the carpenter guys are singing.]

Link: Uh oh...

[To the tune of "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey" by Paul McCartney]

Jiro the Carpenter: [singing low and slowly]
We're so sorry...
Mr. Boss Man...
We're so sorry that we haven't got to work...

Ichiro the Carpenter:
We're so sorry... Mr. Boss Man...
But we're not that good at carpentry and [really high] YOU'RE KIND OF A JEEERK...

[slow guitar music, as the carpenters all grab tools and start slow Vaudeville style dances]

[thunder and lightning]

Link: Uh... maybe this isn't the best time gentlemen, I've really got to...

Navi: I'm afraid...

[one of the carpenters runs over and pulls up a chair for Link, forcing him into it and then rejoining the line]

Shiro: Here, kid. We've been practicing!

Link: No... PLEASE! NO!

[song resumes]

Sabooroo:
We're so sorry, but we haven't built a thing all day...
We're so sorry... Mr. Boss Man...

Shiro:
But we're oh-so very tired and the [really high] PROOOJECT'S UNDERWAYYY!

[One of the carpenters grabs a set of castanets and starts to click them quickly. Jiro jumps up onto a crate with a voice-changer and the other carpenters surround him.]

Jiro: [effect like he's talking on the phone]
We're so sorry...
Mr. Boss Man...
That we haven't done a single thing all day...
We're ever-so sorry...
Mr. Boss Man...
But my finger's got a blister... And you've conveniently gone away!

Carpenters: [echo-y] Yeah... yeah...

Sabooroo: [squeaky] OOOOOOO-OOOOO, OOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOOOO!

Link: [ears bleeding]

Navi: [crying silently]

[Violin music starts up, and the beat slowly quickens... The carpenters tap their feet and snap their fingers, and one of them grabs a kazoo and starts to hum the melody.]

Carpenters: [belting it out]
HAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE HAMMER!

Ichiro: HAMMER!

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE SAW!

[Carpenters can-can]

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE HAMMER!

Jiro: Hammer!

[waving hands over their heads]

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE SAW!

[Link and Navi start to become very, very frightened as Sabooroo dons a fake beard and get right in their faces]

Sabooroo: [low haughty voice]
Carpenter Boss-Man notified me
We have to get to work on the shooting gallery...
I had a bit of lunch, and I had a cup of tea
And a chicken pie!

Ichiro: A Chicken PIE?!

Jiro: [whispering to Ichiro]
He stole the lady's Cucco and put it in the pie...

Ichiro: Oh goodness!

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE HAMMER!

Sabooroo: Hammer!

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE SAW!

[They start to hammer idly on the unfinished shooting gallery, then get distracted again and they all start dancing like idiots]

[Beat quickens]

Ichiro: [really high voice]
WE LIVE A LITTLE, TAKE A BREAK AND RUN AROUND!

Jiro: Run around!

Shiro:
So we don't get much work done? We don't care, we're having fun!

Ichiro: [same ear-splittingly high voice]
WE LIVE A LITTLE, TAKE A BREAK AND RUN AROUND!

Jiro: Run around!

Sabooroo:
We hate our job, to live it down we take a break and run around...

[beat slows down again, and the idiotic dancing begins again]

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE HAMMER!

Sabooroo: Hammer!

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE SAW!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE HAMMER!

Ichiro: Hammer!

Carpenters:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ME THAT THERE-

Deep Voice: WHAT IN THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS GOING ON HERE!?

[sound of a record squeaking, the music stops and the carpenters all panic]

Carpenter Boss: [stomps into village] HOLY CRAP! You weren't doing what I THINK you were doing... WERE YOU?

Jiro: [leaps to his feet] Er, no sir! We were just... Uh...

Carpenter Boss: You were singing again, weren't you?!

Sabooroo: Oh, no, no boss! Of course not! Especially not after you expressly warned us that if you caught us singing when we were supposed to be working again, you would beat us with sticks!

Carpenter Boss: I heard you singing!

Ichiro: Oh, but boss... WE WERE MADE TO SING!

Shiro: This carpenter work is SO... SO boring! We were born to be BROADWAY PERFORMERS!

Carpenter Boss: [crosses arms angrily] Oh. Really.

Jiro: Yeah! Check it out! We've been practicing! We can do it all!

Sabooroo: Cats!

[Suddenly, the carpenters are all wearing cat costume and crooning.]

Ichiro:
MEEEEEEMORIIEEEEES! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOOONLIIIIIIGHT! ALL ALONE IN THE STREEEEET LIIIIIIIIIGHT...

Shiro: We can do Lion King!

[The carpenters all magically change into animal costumes]

Jiro: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SMBEKYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MA MO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHIEROOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NE NE HA HAAAAAAAA...

Carpenters: Hmmm na hmmm naaa... Hmmm na hmmm naaaa...

Ichiro: We can do Phantom of the Opera!

[Jiro and Shiro grabs violins, Ichiro changes into a dress and Sabooroo dons a mask and cape]

Ichiro:
EACH NIGHT HE CALLS FOR ME... SCREAAAAAAAAAMS MY NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Jiro: And don't forget our spectacular rendition of Les Miserables!

[All of their clothes get desperately torn up, and they all start singing sadly]

Carpenters:
Look down... Look down... You're here until you die...

[They all change back into their normal clothes, and take bows]

Carpenter Boss: Oh really. Quite impressive. Unfortunately, we live in Hyrule and Broadway is in New York. Also unfortunately, you appear to have seriously traumatized this poor kid.

Link: [mumbling gibberish]

Navi: [giggling insanely]

Carpenter Boss: Now we'll just have to take him back to my house until he recovers!

Sabooroo: Oh, boss. We'll treat him to some more of our soothing singing!

Carpenter Boss: NO! GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I HAVE TO GRAB MY STICK!

Carpenters: YES SIR!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK RECOVERED FROM HIS HORRIFYING EXPERIENCE, TRAVELED INTO THE GRAVEYARD, PLAYED THE ROYAL LULLABY ON THE TRIFORCE IN THE BACK AND LEARNED THE SUN'S SONG...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: [emerging from the Royal Family's tomb] Man, what a useful song!

Navi: Yeah. Now you won't have to wait for it to get dark, it'll do it whenever you want!

Link: Hey... Look! A staircase that leads up to the windmill!

Navi: Whoa hey... I don't think we should go up there...

Link: Why not?

Navi: Because! Windmills like this one usually play host to a terrifyingly insane old crumudgeon who is liable to go nuts at any moment!

Link: Aw, come on. What's the worse that could happen?

Narrator: [everything freezes, glides out onto the scene] Unbeknownst to Link but knownst to us, something very bad would happen when he stepped into that windmill...

Link: [steps into the windmill]

(Scene: Inside the windmill... Strange accordion music is playing, and the entire room is dark. They can hear someone humming quietly "The Song of Storms")

Link: Who is that singing?

Navi: Maybe it's the carpenters...

Link: No, our ears aren't bleeding... it must be someone else!

Voice: Dum, da-da dum duda... Dum, da-da dum duda...

Link: Uh... hello? Who's there?

DWG: [screeching loudly]
Go around! Go around!
Here in Kakariko Town!
Things I like to burn!
While the windmill turns!
I am here!
I am here!
Playing my music box thing!
So happy you gave a ring...

Navi: Whoa there...

DWG: [giggling maniacally]
Hello there!
Hello there!
It's not like you give a care...
But I need to make a song...

Link: Song? About what?

DWG:
SPINNING THINGS!
SPINNING THINGS!
TURNING ALL AROUNDY THINGS!
Something that goes round and round...

Navi: Well, can we help?

DWG:
Maybe so!
Maybe so!
Maybe you can help me, yo
Play the Song of Storms for me!

Link: What Song of Storms?

DWG:
Play it fast!
Play it slow!
Play it, maybe, I don't know
It'll probably
Make me go kray-Z.
I don't care!
I don't care!
Wanna see my underwear?
Play that screwy Song of Storms!

Link: [backs up slowly towards the door] I have to get back to you on that...

DWG:
Well, OK!
Well, OK!
See you little greeny kid!
I'll see you another day...
MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
[thunder and lightning]

[Link races outside, slams the door shut, and pants]

Link: Holy crap! People in this town just keep getting weirder and weirder...

Navi: No kidding...

Carpenter Boss's Wife AKA Freaky Man-Woman With Beard: Oh, hello there! Have you seen my son? He's about so tall, so wide, scary-looking and pale with his ribs showing and he's got some kind of freaky hatred of humanity.

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [splits]

(Scene: Top of Kakariko Village, near Death Mountain Trail. Link pulls out his letter from Zelda to show to the guard)

Guard: So. You want to get up Death Mountain, do you?

Link: That's right.

Guard: What kind of business does a kid like you have on Death Mountain?

Link: I need to talk to the Gorons. I'm gathering the Spiritual Stones for Princess Zelda because she made me.

Guard: Puh. Please. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. For one thing, Princess Zelda would never call on the likes of YOU to do some kind of favor. For another, why would she want the Spiritual Stones? And finally, you need the King's permission to get up Death Mountain!

Link: Why?

Guard: Because it's his mountain.

Link: Whoa now- Hey, are we talking the King of Hyrule, or are we talking the King of the Gorons?

Guard: The King of Hyrule, of course. Where have you been?

Link: Why would the King of Hyrule care who went up Death Mountain? It's probably a lovely mountain with a lovely view. What if some guy wants to take his family on a picnic lunch and hike up there?

Guard: Then they need the King's permission. The King doesn't want lowly poor people like you bothering the Gorons.

Link: Who says? What if the Gorons are really lonely and insecure up there with no visitors? What if they really do want visitors, but because the King has put this cruel locked gate up, no one can come to visit them. [gasps] THEY'RE SLAVES ON THEIR OWN MOUNTAIN!

Guard: No they're not.

Link: Why can't common people go up there, huh? Is it some kind of government cover-up? Are there really any such THINGS as Gorons? Or are those just legends made up by the King to cover up his secret ATOMIC WEAPONS PLANT UP THERE?

Guard: SHHH! Hey kid, shut up! What're ya tryin' to do, start a revolution?

Link: Maybe I am!

Guard: No, no, no, please! Shut up!

Link: Then let me through.

Guard: Prove you have connection to the Royal Family!

Link: I don't want to... Why don't you let me through anyway?

Guard: No way! Go away and shut up about that cover-up stuff!

Link: Why? Is it true?

Guard: No!

Link: Then why aren't common people allowed up there?

Guard: Because... because... I can't tell you.

Link: Come on. I see no real good reason to block off the mountain to everyone except people with a royal connection.

Guard: There's a good reason. But I can't tell you what it is.

Link: [screaming] THE KING IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM US! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! VIVA LA REVOLUTI-

[The guard covers up his mouth]

Guard: Quiet! You're going to start a riot!

Link: HEY MAN! THIS GUARD'S GOT HIS HAND ON MY BUTT! THIS GUARD IS VIOLATING MY PERSONAL SPACE! HEY, CHECK OUT THIS GUARD WHO'S GRABBING A TEN-YEAR-OLD'S BUTT! SOMEONE HELP! THIS AUTHORITY FIGURE IS ABUSING HIS POSITION AND GRABBING MY BUTT!

Guard: [immediately drops him] Shut up! Shut up!

Villagers: [murmuring things like, "Hey, that's not right!" and "Hey yeah! Why can't we go up on the mountain?"]

Link: I would open the gate now, if I were you.

Guard: All right, all right... [opens gate]

Link: And tell me why commoners aren't allowed up there.

Guard: Can't.

Link: Aww... [puts on sad puppy face]

Guard: Kid, there's just some stuff that people can't tell other people for a good reason... [puts his hand on Link's head.]

[Link grabs the guard's wrist and starts wiggling all over, pretending like the guard is grabbing him by the hair]

Link: OW! STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME! OW! OW! PLEASE, LET ME GO! WAAAAAAAA!

Guard: HEY! I did not touch you!

Link: PLEASE MISTER! MOMMY ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO GO WITH STRANGERS! PLEASE! I SAID NO! DON'T TRY AND-

Guard: [pulls his hand away] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! The reason commoners can't go up onto the mountain is because I have to make life difficult for you because you're the hero and the game is supposed to be challenging, and locking this gate creates a linear sense in the fact that you must have Zelda's letter before you can come here which puts the events of the game in order!

Link: Game? What game?

Guard: Agh, never mind. Just go up the mountain and get outta my sight.

Link: Thank you, my good man...

Guard: Hey, wait a sec!

Link: Agh... now what?

Guard: You'd better put on a good shield before you go up there. It is an active volcano, after all.

Link: Hey, don't you have a shield?

Guard: Yeah, but you can't have it. Go to the graveyard and pull over the grave with the plants in front of it in the front row. There's a shield in there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK DID JUST THAT AND GOT A BIGGER SHIELD!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: All right, I have a big shield now.

Guard: Good. Now, you know the Happy Mask Shop in the Castle Town?

Link: No.

Guard: Well, it just opened. My kid, that creepy one in the graveyard, wants a certain Kee... kee... kee something mask from there. But I'm stuck here all day, so I can't get it for him.

Link: Is it Keaton?

Guard: Yeah, that's it! The Keaton Mask!

Link: You mean Pikachu.

Guard: Keaton.

Link: It's a Pikachu and you know it.

Guard: Fine. If you get it for me, I'll be really happy.

Link: What, no cash?

Guard: I think you've gotten enough stuff from me, kid. Now get outta here!

Link: OK! Byeee, Mr. Guard Man!

[He skips merrily up the trail to towering Death Mountain. Navi flies out of his hat.]

Navi: That... was the most creative but utterly pointless thing you've ever done. Why didn't you just give him the letter?

Link: Because. Do you know how much a pawn shop would give to have Zelda's autograph?

Navi: [gasps] You'd better not be serious...

Link: No, I'm going to keep it...

Navi: Why?

Link: Because she's beaaauuuuutiful...

Navi: I thought you liked Malon.

Link: Malon? Malon who?

Navi: [rolls eyes] You're a dunderhead.

Link: Thanks!

[Link and Navi continue up Death Mountain towards Goron City, a new dungeon, a new adventure, and the next Spiritual Stone... DUN DUN DUNNNN...]

~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE SEVEN*~*~*~*~*~*~*~