Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Eight: Goron City & Darunia ( Chapter 8 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
There are only four things you need to know about Gorons!
1. They love to sing.
2. They love to dance.
3. They especially love the above when it is done to Elton John music.
4. Link blends in quite well with them intellectually.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.27.2002 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
There are only four things you need to know about Gorons!
1. They love to sing.
2. They love to dance.
3. They especially love the above when it is done to Elton John music.
4. Link blends in quite well with them intellectually.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.27.2002 | Updated On: 03.15.2005 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed
Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
by Galaxy Girl
SCENE EIGHT: THOSE CRAZY, CRAZY GORONS
(Scene: Link and Navi are trekking up Death Mountain Trail. Triumphant music is playing, and they both [well, Link anyway] looks very heroic.)
Chorus Singers: [singing along to the triumphant music]
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
[Link starts to look sort of tired, and he slows down. The Chorus Singers continue their singing]
Chorus Singers:
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
[Finally, Link collapses in exhaustion on the ground]
Link: Must... sleep... Zzzz...
Navi: Come on Link! We've gotta keep going!
Link: Zzzz...
[He feels something poking him]
Voice: Hey soft thing! Wake up!
Link: [groans] Ugh...?
[He looks up and sees a Goron standing over him.]
Link: GAAAH!
Goron: GAAAH!
Link: DON'T TOUCH ME!
Goron: Whoa, calm down, soft thing. I'm not gonna eat you.
Link: Don't... EVER wake me up like that again!
Goron: You look weird.
Link: Oh, that's real nice. Well I think you look weird.
Goron: [blubbering, bursts into tears] WAAAAA!
Navi: Oh great job, smart one! Now they're not gonna want to give up their Spiritual Stone!
Goron: It's not that! I'm so... HUNGRY!
Link: Well, I have half a tuna-fish sandwich from that strange man-woman thing in Kakariko. Want it?
Goron: [takes a look at the sandwich, gags] Ewww, sick! Why would anyone eat THAT?! Don't you know anything? Gorons only eat rocks!
Link: Oh.
Goron: But that's our problem... Big Brother wouldn't want us asking for help from some soft thing.
Link: Big Brother?
Goron: Hey soft thing, why were you lying there anyway?
Link: I was exhausted! That's a long trek up this mountain! I must have walked... 6 miles!
Goron: Um... you're only 20 feet up the trail.
Link: No way. I've got to be almost to the top by now!
Goron: Actually, you're only 20 feet up the trail. You can still see the gate to the village from here.
Navi: Yeah Link, we've only been walking for 2 minutes.
Link: [grumbles] Where is this "Big Brother" thing of yours?
Goron: In the city, of course. Goron City's a little more ways up the trail to the right. It won't take very long, even if you walk.
Link: Thanks...
Goron: Good-bye, soft thing. [falls over, goes to sleep]
Link: Gorons... [rolls eyes] I hope the rest of them are less... what's the word...
Navi: Eccentric?
Link: ... WEIRD than that one.
Narrator: [glides onto scene, everything freezes] Unbeknownst to Link, but knownst to us, it's a common trait of the Goron Tribe to be less than... What's the word... genius?
[Narrator glides away]
Link: [humming the Song of Storms] Hey, what's that ominous rumbling?
Navi: That would be the Goron about to-
Sound FX Guy: SPLAT!
[Link is squashed flat by a rolling Goron]
Narrator: And then Link, squashed flat by 600 pounds of rolling Goron, DIED!
Just kidding.
Link: [goes flying] OW!
Goron: [unrolls] Oops, sorry, soft thing.
Link: Will you guys quit calling me that!?
Goron: Sorry, soft thing.
Link: [cringes] I don't know what's worse... soft thing or Fairy Boy...
Navi: Fairy Boy.
Link: [cringes]
[Link stomps up the trail a little further, and finally reaches the end of the trail to Goron City]
Chorus Singers: [singing angelically]
BUM BU DA DA DUM...
BUM BU DA DA DUM...
AND THEN... HE GOT TO GORON CITYYYYYYYYY!
Link: I'm not having a very good day... there'd better not be any singing in there, or else!
[Link walks into Goron City, to find it a very lively place... Actually, not really.]
Link: [walks up to a Goron] Hey buddy! Wake up!
[The Goron sits up]
Goron: Ugh... I'm so hungry...
Link: Yeah, yeah, where's your Big Brother?
Goron: Don't interrupt me, soft thing. Where was I... [pulls out script] Ah, yes... Ugh... I'm so hungry... We Gorons eat rocks that we dig out of the mountain... More specifically from the Dodongo's Cavern... You probably saw the cavern on the way here...
Link: Yeah, I collapsed by it.
Navi: After two minutes of walking!
Link: Shut up, Navi.
Goron: We used to eat rocks from all around... But since we discovered that the top sirloin, delicious, nutritious, juiciest rocks are in the Dodongo's Cavern, that we can't STAND anything else!
Link: Oh, you poor thing... Where's Big Brother?
Goron: [completely oblivious to what he's saying, begins to sing]
And on top of that this mean old guy in armor that was black...
Threatened to take our Ruby and never to give it back...
So he sealed up the cave and now we're starving, near extinct...
I WANT TO EAT THE TOP-SIRLOIN DODONGO'S CAVERN ROCKS AGAIN OR- uh... SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH "EXTINCT"!
Link: [shakes head, walks off] These people we meet just keep getting weirder and weirder...
Random Goron: HEY EVERYONE! Look! It's a SOFT THING!
[All these Gorons run up to Link and start poking him.]
Goron 1: Wow... look how skinny he is!
Goron 2: He's so soft and pink!
Goron 3: LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR!
Link: Cut it out, cut it out! Leave me alone!
Goron 2: We don't get many visitors way up here, Soft Thing...
Link: That's because the King of Hyrule is an oppressive pig!
Goron 3: Where are you from?
Link: The Forest.
All Gorons: [echoing things like, "A FOREST? What's a forest?"]
Link: [rolls eyes] It's where a lot of trees and plants grow.
All Gorons: [echoing things like, "Trees" and "plants" and "What's he talking about?"]
Link: Agh, never mind. I need to know about your Big Brother, or your King or whatever he is.
Goron 1: Big Brother! Oh, great Big Brother!
Goron 2: He is so strong and brave! Our Big Brother has the strength of 10 Gorons!
Goron 3: And his hair is the nicest in the land!
Goron 4: Yes, we all love our Big Brother! He is our great leader!
Goron 5: Friend to ALL the Gorons!
Goron 1: He protects us from danger and leads us into battle against evil people!
Goron 2: Great Big Brother! He loves to party!
Goron 3: He's the coolest guy ever!
Goron 4: He was in my frat house in college! He once drank an entire keg of Bomb Flower Juice in 30 seconds!
Goron 5: And he's the best dancer of all!
All Gorons: WE LOVE OUR BIG BROTHER!
Goron 1: We like our Big Brother so much we could sing about him!
Link: Oh sweet cheese, no...
Navi: Too late...
[The Gorons all break into song. To the tune of "Grey Seal" by Elton John]
[Gorons all break-dancing and sliding around on their knees]
Goron 1:
We live the great good life of Goron...
Goron 2:
Eatin' rocks rolling around all day from dusk to dawn...
Goron 3:
Without guidance like comes from our mother...
Goron 4:
But we don't know her, so we count on Big Brother...
Goron 5:
There's just no one else like our Big Brooother.
[The Gorons break into a major song and dance, singing at the top of their lungs with lots of pretty sparkly lights and tap dancing.]
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and stroooong!
And oh-so wise...
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIIIIIIG BRO KEEPS IT REAAAAAAAAL!
[Quirky little dance routine]
Goron 1:
Even since the Goron tribe was formed!
Goron 2:
We've had to work in places oh-so rocky and warm...
Goron 3:
Big Brother said, "They work, so can I!"
Goron 4:
"I ain't so special that I cannot work hard till I die!"
Goron 5:
Our Big Bro is pretty much one of the guys!
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and strooong!
And oh-so wise!
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIIIIG BROOOO KEEPS IT REAAAAAL!
[Same quirky dance]
Goron 1:
He's got the neatest big sticky-up hair!
Goron 2:
He dances like a spaz, but we really do not care!
Goron 3:
He's so honest it drives you out of your mind!
Goron 4:
Big Brother's just not afraid to die!
Goron 5:
If Big Bro could be so cool then so can I!
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and strooong!
And oh-so wise!
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIG BROOO KEEEP IT REAAAAAAL!
[The Gorons all start dancing wildly, drumming on drums and playing makeshift guitars...]
Gorons: Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
[grand finale]
BIIIIIIIIIIIIG BRO KEEEEEEEPS IT REAAAAAAAAAAAAL!
[The Gorons finish in a spectacular display of color and light, and finally, they all slide out on their knees, holding up sparklers in each hand and gasping for breath]
Navi: Wow, talk about a popular leader.
Goron 1: NO KIDDING! HE'S THE COOLEST!
Goron 2: HE IS SO COOL!
Link: Well, all that is great, but... Where is he? I need to talk to him.
Goron 1: Big Brother Darunia is not in a very good mood right now...
Goron 2: Yeah. Ever since that nasty guy in the black armor showed up, he's been really freaked out!
Goron 3: He locked himself in his room with our Ruby!
Goron 4: [shaking head] He always says that everyone is after that stone...
Goron 5: I tried to go out and give it a tiny little lick earlier... But Big Brother already took it.
Link: [whispering to Navi] I really hope the King of Hyrule doesn't trust these guys with any major military secrets...
Navi: Anyone who asked would get enough details outta them to completely overthrow the kingdom!
Goron 1: Big Brother lives in his own room down there. [points to the bottom of the city]
Link: OK, thanks.
Goron 2: But I wouldn't talk to him right now if I were you...
Link: Why is that?
Goron 3: Well, let's just say...
All Gorons: [scream of terror] AAGGGGHHHHH!
Link: [holds ears] Ow... OK, thanks...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK GOT DOWNSTAIRS AND OPENED THE DOOR TO DARUNIA'S ROOM WITH ZELDA'S LULLABY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link: This guy is going to be huge, isn't he...
Navi: Maybe he's just big-boned.
Link: Nah, he's got to be at least filling up the room.
Navi: What makes you say that?
Link: Well, I took the lyrics from the Goron's song up there...
Navi: The "Big Bro Keepin' It Real"?
Link: They said strong 3 times. That must mean he's a HUGE guy.
Navi: ??? That was the chorus, you moron. It's a REFRAIN. They have to say it several times.
Link: Whatever. Well, let's go talk to Fats the Goron.
Navi: You'd better not call him that...
[Link walks into the room, and sees Darunia standing at the far end, looking nothing short of enraged. He's about 7'4", with big sticky up hair and thousands of pounds of steel sinewy Goron muscle...]
Darunia: [eyes Link] WHAT THE HECK?! WHO ARE YOU?!
Link: I'm the Royal Family's messenger!
Darunia: [appears not to have heard him] When I heard that song, I thought for sure that the Royal Family's messenger had arrived to take my message back to the King... BUT YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE SHRIMP!
Link: Hey, I am not. I'm at least a Big Shrimp.
Darunia: Has Darunia, the Big Boss of the Gorons, really lost THAT MUCH respect to be treated this way by his SWORN BROTHER THE KING!? HMMM?! [gets right in Link's face] HMMM?!
Link: Whoa- Hey guy, I AM the Royal Family's messenger.
Darunia: [gives him Look of Death]
Link: Er... Hey pal, why are you in such a bad mood anyway?
Darunia: WHY AM I IN A BAD MOOD?! WHY AM I IN A BAD MOOD!?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M IN A BAD MOOD! ANCIENT CREATURES HAVE INFESTED DODONGO'S CAVERN! WE'VE HAD A POOR HARVEST OF OUR SPECIAL CROP, BOMB FLOWERS! STARVATION BECAUSE OF THE ROCK SHORTAGE! MY HAIR IS STARTING TO THIN! PLANS FOR MY ARRANGED WEDDING WITH SOME GORON CHICK FROM TERMINA ISN'T GOING TOO WELL WITH HER FATHER! I HAVE A STOMACHACHE! I RAN OUT OF DR. PEPPER AND SALTED PEANUTS! I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE BEN AND JERRY'S SHIPMENT I ORDERED THREE MONTHS AGO! MY HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY IS GOING BANKRUPT AND I HAVE TO SWITCH HMOS! I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF MY MODERN DANCE CLASS FOR CRUSHING ANOTHER STUDENT! I'M A 33 YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WITH NO LITTLE WOMAN TO ENTERTAIN WITH MY CROONING, TUCK ME INTO BED AT NIGHT, OR CONSOLE ME WITH A BACKRUB AND SAYING "POOR SWEET BABY!"! I'M STARTING TO DOUBT I'LL EVER HAVE THAT SON I'VE WANTED FOR A WHILE NOW! MY STOCKS ARE GOING DOWN! I NEED SOME NEW UNDERWEAR... [breath] AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, SOME GERUDO DUDE IN BLACK ARMOR HAS SEALED UP DODONGO'S CAVERN, OUR QUARRY AND SOURCE OF FOOD AND IS THREATENING TO WIPE OUT MY ENTIRE RACE IF I DON'T HAND OVER THE SECRET TREASURE OF THE GORONS, THE GORON'S RUBY AKA THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF FIRE WHICH YOU MORE THAN LIKELY WANT TOO FOR SOME PRINCESS CHICK... but... THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! THIS IS A GORON PROBLEM! WE DON'T NEED HELP FROM STRANGERS!
Link: ... wow.
Darunia: [eyes glaring, panting angrily]
Link: Well, is there anything I can do to help?
Darunia: [Death Look]
Link: Um, how about a nice lullaby? [plays Zelda's Lullaby]
Darunia: [cussing, vague screaming] Eh? That's the Royal Family's song!
Navi: Yeah! We know!
Darunia: No, no, no... that's too... soft, and light for me... I want to hear something... green... natural... from outside the mountains... lively... tap-dancy... That's the kind of music I want to hear!
Link: What's he talking about?
Navi: [shrugs]
Link: Well, that slightly obvious clue is just what I needed to get an idea on how to shut this guy up. [plays Saria's Song]
Darunia: [gasps] WHAT WAS THAT?!
Navi: Uh oh...
Link: I said- [plays song again]
Darunia: [eyes get very wide, develops a facial tic] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus Singers start to sing (ooh-ing) to Saria's Song, and a chorus of Ocarinas take up the background]
[Darunia begins what is now referred to as his legendary "Spastic Dance of Goron Joy", shaking it all over and screaming random interjections every once and a while. Navi and Link back up against the wall, screaming in terror]
Link: WHAT'S HE DOING?!
Navi: AAAAAGGH!
Darunia: WOOOO! YEAAAAAH! WOW! HOT! WHAT A HOT BEAT! WHOAAAAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus finished the song, and Darunia is still shaking all over.]
Darunia: [out of his mind] I CAN'T- STOP- SHAKING! AGH! AH! AH! AH! [shakes his boo-taay] WAAAAAAAAHA! AH! AH! AH... [one last giant shake] AHHHHHHH!
[He looks at Link with a sort of drunken happiness plastered on his face]
Darunia: Wow... [face turns blissful] HEYYY! WHAT A NICE TUNE! I heard it and all of a sudden I wanted to dance like CRAZY! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Link: And believe me, you certainly did...
Darunia: I LIKE YOU, KID! You have GREAT SONGS! MWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE! I am DARUNIA! Big Brother of the Gorons!
Link: I'm Link, this is Navi, and... I sorta... figured that out on my own.
Darunia: What is it you wanted to ask me about?
Link: I need the Spiritual Stone of Fire.
Darunia: WHAAAT?! You want it TOO? THAT'S RIDICUL-
[Link plays Saria's Song again, while Navi screams at him not to]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
DARUNIA DID THAT... UH... DANCY-THING AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darunia: CAN'T! STOP! SHAKING! AH! AH! AH! AH... AHHHHHHHHHH!
Link: I'm sorry I had to do that, dude.
Darunia: Sorry you had to do what?
Link: I was talking to Navi.
[She is sitting, wide eyed on his shoulder]
Navi: The shaking... the shaking... Oh good grief, the shaking...
Darunia: I was about to say- "You want the Spiritual Stone too?"
Link: Oh. Uh... so you... weren't about to kill me?
Darunia: Why would I do that?
Link: Sorry, Navi...
Darunia: The Spiritual Stone of Fire, AKA "The Goron's Ruby" is one of the less-than-secret secret treasures of the Gorons. I suppose I could let you have it... We won't miss it. Heh. But... I'm not going to give it to you THAT easy! You have to do me a favor first!
Link: Oh please, don't make me play that song again...
Darunia: Of course not... Hey! I know! Why don't you break into the Dodongo's Cavern and get rid of the Dodongos?
Link: WHAT?!
Darunia: Ya see, this Gerudo creep Ganondorf sealed up our quarry and our food source, the Dodongo's Cavern with a giant boulder that not even I can break!
Link: Have you really tried?
Darunia: This is one of those cases that doesn't make a lot of sense, but has to be this way so that you have to do everything. All right anyway, a long time ago there were these big nasty dinosaur-looking characters called "Dodongos" living in the cavern. They were pretty scary. They eat EVERYTHING. Even bombs! They were keeping us Gorons out of the cavern... until we grabbed our bomb flowers and killed them all. But anyway, Ganondorf brought the Dodongos back with his nasty evil power and now we're locked out...
Link: Let me get this straight. They eat EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yeah, everything.
Link: EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yeah. So! If you want the Spiritual Stone, you'll go into the cavern, destroy all the Dodongos and their king, and let the Gorons back in! That way, we'll have food again, and everyone will be happy! Then I'll only have to deal with my arranged wedding, my thinning hair, the Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, the Ben & Jerry's thing, the-
Link: EVERYTHING?!
Darunia: Yes, everything.
Link: Uh...
Navi: We'll take the job!
Link: NAVIIIIII!
Darunia: All right! Good man! [high fives Link, knocking him across the room and into the wall]
Link: Ow...
Darunia: Oh yeah, and here. Take this bracelet! It lets a weak little punk like you pick the Bomb Flowers, which normally only a grown up or a Goron can do.
Link: And it looks pretty sweet too!
Darunia: OK, see you later.
Link: What, that's it then? You're just... leaving me to go exterminate the Dodongos?
Darunia: Yep.
Link: Uh... would it help change your mind about the stone and this whole nasty Dodongo thing if I... [reaches for Ocarina]
Navi: NOOOO! [knocks it out of his hand]
Link: Ow, jeez Navi...
Darunia: OK, good luck! I hope you do good! And if you get eaten, well... I'll arrange a nice memorial service for you. Any more questions?
Link: Uh, yeah... just one...
Darunia: What's that?
Link: It's about the Dodongos.
Darunia: What about them?
Link: They eat EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yes.
Link: Are you positive?
Darunia: Mmmhmm.
Link: Absolutely?
Darunia: Yep.
Link: Oh, OK... [heads towards the door on his way to the cavern]
[Suddenly, Link stops and turns around.]
Link: Every-
Darunia and Navi: YES!
Link: OK! [races out]
Darunia: [watches him go] I sure hope that little punk knows what he's doing...
Link: [races back into the room] One more thing, Darunia...
Darunia: Yes?
Link: [plays Saria's song and runs away giggling]
Darunia: AAGGGGH- [dances like nuts] CAN'T! STOP! SHAKING! AH! AH! AH! AH! AAAAHAHAHHAA- ARRIIIIIIIIBA! AH! AH... AHHHHHHHHHHHH... Man, I can't get enough o' that tune!
~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE EIGHT*~*~*~*~*~*~
by Galaxy Girl
SCENE EIGHT: THOSE CRAZY, CRAZY GORONS
(Scene: Link and Navi are trekking up Death Mountain Trail. Triumphant music is playing, and they both [well, Link anyway] looks very heroic.)
Chorus Singers: [singing along to the triumphant music]
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
[Link starts to look sort of tired, and he slows down. The Chorus Singers continue their singing]
Chorus Singers:
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
Dum, duh-dun duh duh dun...
[Finally, Link collapses in exhaustion on the ground]
Link: Must... sleep... Zzzz...
Navi: Come on Link! We've gotta keep going!
Link: Zzzz...
[He feels something poking him]
Voice: Hey soft thing! Wake up!
Link: [groans] Ugh...?
[He looks up and sees a Goron standing over him.]
Link: GAAAH!
Goron: GAAAH!
Link: DON'T TOUCH ME!
Goron: Whoa, calm down, soft thing. I'm not gonna eat you.
Link: Don't... EVER wake me up like that again!
Goron: You look weird.
Link: Oh, that's real nice. Well I think you look weird.
Goron: [blubbering, bursts into tears] WAAAAA!
Navi: Oh great job, smart one! Now they're not gonna want to give up their Spiritual Stone!
Goron: It's not that! I'm so... HUNGRY!
Link: Well, I have half a tuna-fish sandwich from that strange man-woman thing in Kakariko. Want it?
Goron: [takes a look at the sandwich, gags] Ewww, sick! Why would anyone eat THAT?! Don't you know anything? Gorons only eat rocks!
Link: Oh.
Goron: But that's our problem... Big Brother wouldn't want us asking for help from some soft thing.
Link: Big Brother?
Goron: Hey soft thing, why were you lying there anyway?
Link: I was exhausted! That's a long trek up this mountain! I must have walked... 6 miles!
Goron: Um... you're only 20 feet up the trail.
Link: No way. I've got to be almost to the top by now!
Goron: Actually, you're only 20 feet up the trail. You can still see the gate to the village from here.
Navi: Yeah Link, we've only been walking for 2 minutes.
Link: [grumbles] Where is this "Big Brother" thing of yours?
Goron: In the city, of course. Goron City's a little more ways up the trail to the right. It won't take very long, even if you walk.
Link: Thanks...
Goron: Good-bye, soft thing. [falls over, goes to sleep]
Link: Gorons... [rolls eyes] I hope the rest of them are less... what's the word...
Navi: Eccentric?
Link: ... WEIRD than that one.
Narrator: [glides onto scene, everything freezes] Unbeknownst to Link, but knownst to us, it's a common trait of the Goron Tribe to be less than... What's the word... genius?
[Narrator glides away]
Link: [humming the Song of Storms] Hey, what's that ominous rumbling?
Navi: That would be the Goron about to-
Sound FX Guy: SPLAT!
[Link is squashed flat by a rolling Goron]
Narrator: And then Link, squashed flat by 600 pounds of rolling Goron, DIED!
Just kidding.
Link: [goes flying] OW!
Goron: [unrolls] Oops, sorry, soft thing.
Link: Will you guys quit calling me that!?
Goron: Sorry, soft thing.
Link: [cringes] I don't know what's worse... soft thing or Fairy Boy...
Navi: Fairy Boy.
Link: [cringes]
[Link stomps up the trail a little further, and finally reaches the end of the trail to Goron City]
Chorus Singers: [singing angelically]
BUM BU DA DA DUM...
BUM BU DA DA DUM...
AND THEN... HE GOT TO GORON CITYYYYYYYYY!
Link: I'm not having a very good day... there'd better not be any singing in there, or else!
[Link walks into Goron City, to find it a very lively place... Actually, not really.]
Link: [walks up to a Goron] Hey buddy! Wake up!
[The Goron sits up]
Goron: Ugh... I'm so hungry...
Link: Yeah, yeah, where's your Big Brother?
Goron: Don't interrupt me, soft thing. Where was I... [pulls out script] Ah, yes... Ugh... I'm so hungry... We Gorons eat rocks that we dig out of the mountain... More specifically from the Dodongo's Cavern... You probably saw the cavern on the way here...
Link: Yeah, I collapsed by it.
Navi: After two minutes of walking!
Link: Shut up, Navi.
Goron: We used to eat rocks from all around... But since we discovered that the top sirloin, delicious, nutritious, juiciest rocks are in the Dodongo's Cavern, that we can't STAND anything else!
Link: Oh, you poor thing... Where's Big Brother?
Goron: [completely oblivious to what he's saying, begins to sing]
And on top of that this mean old guy in armor that was black...
Threatened to take our Ruby and never to give it back...
So he sealed up the cave and now we're starving, near extinct...
I WANT TO EAT THE TOP-SIRLOIN DODONGO'S CAVERN ROCKS AGAIN OR- uh... SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH "EXTINCT"!
Link: [shakes head, walks off] These people we meet just keep getting weirder and weirder...
Random Goron: HEY EVERYONE! Look! It's a SOFT THING!
[All these Gorons run up to Link and start poking him.]
Goron 1: Wow... look how skinny he is!
Goron 2: He's so soft and pink!
Goron 3: LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR!
Link: Cut it out, cut it out! Leave me alone!
Goron 2: We don't get many visitors way up here, Soft Thing...
Link: That's because the King of Hyrule is an oppressive pig!
Goron 3: Where are you from?
Link: The Forest.
All Gorons: [echoing things like, "A FOREST? What's a forest?"]
Link: [rolls eyes] It's where a lot of trees and plants grow.
All Gorons: [echoing things like, "Trees" and "plants" and "What's he talking about?"]
Link: Agh, never mind. I need to know about your Big Brother, or your King or whatever he is.
Goron 1: Big Brother! Oh, great Big Brother!
Goron 2: He is so strong and brave! Our Big Brother has the strength of 10 Gorons!
Goron 3: And his hair is the nicest in the land!
Goron 4: Yes, we all love our Big Brother! He is our great leader!
Goron 5: Friend to ALL the Gorons!
Goron 1: He protects us from danger and leads us into battle against evil people!
Goron 2: Great Big Brother! He loves to party!
Goron 3: He's the coolest guy ever!
Goron 4: He was in my frat house in college! He once drank an entire keg of Bomb Flower Juice in 30 seconds!
Goron 5: And he's the best dancer of all!
All Gorons: WE LOVE OUR BIG BROTHER!
Goron 1: We like our Big Brother so much we could sing about him!
Link: Oh sweet cheese, no...
Navi: Too late...
[The Gorons all break into song. To the tune of "Grey Seal" by Elton John]
[Gorons all break-dancing and sliding around on their knees]
Goron 1:
We live the great good life of Goron...
Goron 2:
Eatin' rocks rolling around all day from dusk to dawn...
Goron 3:
Without guidance like comes from our mother...
Goron 4:
But we don't know her, so we count on Big Brother...
Goron 5:
There's just no one else like our Big Brooother.
[The Gorons break into a major song and dance, singing at the top of their lungs with lots of pretty sparkly lights and tap dancing.]
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and stroooong!
And oh-so wise...
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIIIIIIG BRO KEEPS IT REAAAAAAAAL!
[Quirky little dance routine]
Goron 1:
Even since the Goron tribe was formed!
Goron 2:
We've had to work in places oh-so rocky and warm...
Goron 3:
Big Brother said, "They work, so can I!"
Goron 4:
"I ain't so special that I cannot work hard till I die!"
Goron 5:
Our Big Bro is pretty much one of the guys!
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and strooong!
And oh-so wise!
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIIIIG BROOOO KEEPS IT REAAAAAL!
[Same quirky dance]
Goron 1:
He's got the neatest big sticky-up hair!
Goron 2:
He dances like a spaz, but we really do not care!
Goron 3:
He's so honest it drives you out of your mind!
Goron 4:
Big Brother's just not afraid to die!
Goron 5:
If Big Bro could be so cool then so can I!
Gorons:
Big Brother's handsome! Courageous and strooong!
And oh-so wise!
He rules us fairly! Awesome is he! And real...
BIG BROOO KEEEP IT REAAAAAAL!
[The Gorons all start dancing wildly, drumming on drums and playing makeshift guitars...]
Gorons: Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
Dooo-doo doot doo DOOO!
[grand finale]
BIIIIIIIIIIIIG BRO KEEEEEEEPS IT REAAAAAAAAAAAAL!
[The Gorons finish in a spectacular display of color and light, and finally, they all slide out on their knees, holding up sparklers in each hand and gasping for breath]
Navi: Wow, talk about a popular leader.
Goron 1: NO KIDDING! HE'S THE COOLEST!
Goron 2: HE IS SO COOL!
Link: Well, all that is great, but... Where is he? I need to talk to him.
Goron 1: Big Brother Darunia is not in a very good mood right now...
Goron 2: Yeah. Ever since that nasty guy in the black armor showed up, he's been really freaked out!
Goron 3: He locked himself in his room with our Ruby!
Goron 4: [shaking head] He always says that everyone is after that stone...
Goron 5: I tried to go out and give it a tiny little lick earlier... But Big Brother already took it.
Link: [whispering to Navi] I really hope the King of Hyrule doesn't trust these guys with any major military secrets...
Navi: Anyone who asked would get enough details outta them to completely overthrow the kingdom!
Goron 1: Big Brother lives in his own room down there. [points to the bottom of the city]
Link: OK, thanks.
Goron 2: But I wouldn't talk to him right now if I were you...
Link: Why is that?
Goron 3: Well, let's just say...
All Gorons: [scream of terror] AAGGGGHHHHH!
Link: [holds ears] Ow... OK, thanks...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK GOT DOWNSTAIRS AND OPENED THE DOOR TO DARUNIA'S ROOM WITH ZELDA'S LULLABY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link: This guy is going to be huge, isn't he...
Navi: Maybe he's just big-boned.
Link: Nah, he's got to be at least filling up the room.
Navi: What makes you say that?
Link: Well, I took the lyrics from the Goron's song up there...
Navi: The "Big Bro Keepin' It Real"?
Link: They said strong 3 times. That must mean he's a HUGE guy.
Navi: ??? That was the chorus, you moron. It's a REFRAIN. They have to say it several times.
Link: Whatever. Well, let's go talk to Fats the Goron.
Navi: You'd better not call him that...
[Link walks into the room, and sees Darunia standing at the far end, looking nothing short of enraged. He's about 7'4", with big sticky up hair and thousands of pounds of steel sinewy Goron muscle...]
Darunia: [eyes Link] WHAT THE HECK?! WHO ARE YOU?!
Link: I'm the Royal Family's messenger!
Darunia: [appears not to have heard him] When I heard that song, I thought for sure that the Royal Family's messenger had arrived to take my message back to the King... BUT YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE SHRIMP!
Link: Hey, I am not. I'm at least a Big Shrimp.
Darunia: Has Darunia, the Big Boss of the Gorons, really lost THAT MUCH respect to be treated this way by his SWORN BROTHER THE KING!? HMMM?! [gets right in Link's face] HMMM?!
Link: Whoa- Hey guy, I AM the Royal Family's messenger.
Darunia: [gives him Look of Death]
Link: Er... Hey pal, why are you in such a bad mood anyway?
Darunia: WHY AM I IN A BAD MOOD?! WHY AM I IN A BAD MOOD!?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M IN A BAD MOOD! ANCIENT CREATURES HAVE INFESTED DODONGO'S CAVERN! WE'VE HAD A POOR HARVEST OF OUR SPECIAL CROP, BOMB FLOWERS! STARVATION BECAUSE OF THE ROCK SHORTAGE! MY HAIR IS STARTING TO THIN! PLANS FOR MY ARRANGED WEDDING WITH SOME GORON CHICK FROM TERMINA ISN'T GOING TOO WELL WITH HER FATHER! I HAVE A STOMACHACHE! I RAN OUT OF DR. PEPPER AND SALTED PEANUTS! I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE BEN AND JERRY'S SHIPMENT I ORDERED THREE MONTHS AGO! MY HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY IS GOING BANKRUPT AND I HAVE TO SWITCH HMOS! I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF MY MODERN DANCE CLASS FOR CRUSHING ANOTHER STUDENT! I'M A 33 YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WITH NO LITTLE WOMAN TO ENTERTAIN WITH MY CROONING, TUCK ME INTO BED AT NIGHT, OR CONSOLE ME WITH A BACKRUB AND SAYING "POOR SWEET BABY!"! I'M STARTING TO DOUBT I'LL EVER HAVE THAT SON I'VE WANTED FOR A WHILE NOW! MY STOCKS ARE GOING DOWN! I NEED SOME NEW UNDERWEAR... [breath] AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, SOME GERUDO DUDE IN BLACK ARMOR HAS SEALED UP DODONGO'S CAVERN, OUR QUARRY AND SOURCE OF FOOD AND IS THREATENING TO WIPE OUT MY ENTIRE RACE IF I DON'T HAND OVER THE SECRET TREASURE OF THE GORONS, THE GORON'S RUBY AKA THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF FIRE WHICH YOU MORE THAN LIKELY WANT TOO FOR SOME PRINCESS CHICK... but... THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! THIS IS A GORON PROBLEM! WE DON'T NEED HELP FROM STRANGERS!
Link: ... wow.
Darunia: [eyes glaring, panting angrily]
Link: Well, is there anything I can do to help?
Darunia: [Death Look]
Link: Um, how about a nice lullaby? [plays Zelda's Lullaby]
Darunia: [cussing, vague screaming] Eh? That's the Royal Family's song!
Navi: Yeah! We know!
Darunia: No, no, no... that's too... soft, and light for me... I want to hear something... green... natural... from outside the mountains... lively... tap-dancy... That's the kind of music I want to hear!
Link: What's he talking about?
Navi: [shrugs]
Link: Well, that slightly obvious clue is just what I needed to get an idea on how to shut this guy up. [plays Saria's Song]
Darunia: [gasps] WHAT WAS THAT?!
Navi: Uh oh...
Link: I said- [plays song again]
Darunia: [eyes get very wide, develops a facial tic] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus Singers start to sing (ooh-ing) to Saria's Song, and a chorus of Ocarinas take up the background]
[Darunia begins what is now referred to as his legendary "Spastic Dance of Goron Joy", shaking it all over and screaming random interjections every once and a while. Navi and Link back up against the wall, screaming in terror]
Link: WHAT'S HE DOING?!
Navi: AAAAAGGH!
Darunia: WOOOO! YEAAAAAH! WOW! HOT! WHAT A HOT BEAT! WHOAAAAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The Chorus finished the song, and Darunia is still shaking all over.]
Darunia: [out of his mind] I CAN'T- STOP- SHAKING! AGH! AH! AH! AH! [shakes his boo-taay] WAAAAAAAAHA! AH! AH! AH... [one last giant shake] AHHHHHHH!
[He looks at Link with a sort of drunken happiness plastered on his face]
Darunia: Wow... [face turns blissful] HEYYY! WHAT A NICE TUNE! I heard it and all of a sudden I wanted to dance like CRAZY! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!
Link: And believe me, you certainly did...
Darunia: I LIKE YOU, KID! You have GREAT SONGS! MWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE! I am DARUNIA! Big Brother of the Gorons!
Link: I'm Link, this is Navi, and... I sorta... figured that out on my own.
Darunia: What is it you wanted to ask me about?
Link: I need the Spiritual Stone of Fire.
Darunia: WHAAAT?! You want it TOO? THAT'S RIDICUL-
[Link plays Saria's Song again, while Navi screams at him not to]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
DARUNIA DID THAT... UH... DANCY-THING AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darunia: CAN'T! STOP! SHAKING! AH! AH! AH! AH... AHHHHHHHHHH!
Link: I'm sorry I had to do that, dude.
Darunia: Sorry you had to do what?
Link: I was talking to Navi.
[She is sitting, wide eyed on his shoulder]
Navi: The shaking... the shaking... Oh good grief, the shaking...
Darunia: I was about to say- "You want the Spiritual Stone too?"
Link: Oh. Uh... so you... weren't about to kill me?
Darunia: Why would I do that?
Link: Sorry, Navi...
Darunia: The Spiritual Stone of Fire, AKA "The Goron's Ruby" is one of the less-than-secret secret treasures of the Gorons. I suppose I could let you have it... We won't miss it. Heh. But... I'm not going to give it to you THAT easy! You have to do me a favor first!
Link: Oh please, don't make me play that song again...
Darunia: Of course not... Hey! I know! Why don't you break into the Dodongo's Cavern and get rid of the Dodongos?
Link: WHAT?!
Darunia: Ya see, this Gerudo creep Ganondorf sealed up our quarry and our food source, the Dodongo's Cavern with a giant boulder that not even I can break!
Link: Have you really tried?
Darunia: This is one of those cases that doesn't make a lot of sense, but has to be this way so that you have to do everything. All right anyway, a long time ago there were these big nasty dinosaur-looking characters called "Dodongos" living in the cavern. They were pretty scary. They eat EVERYTHING. Even bombs! They were keeping us Gorons out of the cavern... until we grabbed our bomb flowers and killed them all. But anyway, Ganondorf brought the Dodongos back with his nasty evil power and now we're locked out...
Link: Let me get this straight. They eat EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yeah, everything.
Link: EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yeah. So! If you want the Spiritual Stone, you'll go into the cavern, destroy all the Dodongos and their king, and let the Gorons back in! That way, we'll have food again, and everyone will be happy! Then I'll only have to deal with my arranged wedding, my thinning hair, the Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, the Ben & Jerry's thing, the-
Link: EVERYTHING?!
Darunia: Yes, everything.
Link: Uh...
Navi: We'll take the job!
Link: NAVIIIIII!
Darunia: All right! Good man! [high fives Link, knocking him across the room and into the wall]
Link: Ow...
Darunia: Oh yeah, and here. Take this bracelet! It lets a weak little punk like you pick the Bomb Flowers, which normally only a grown up or a Goron can do.
Link: And it looks pretty sweet too!
Darunia: OK, see you later.
Link: What, that's it then? You're just... leaving me to go exterminate the Dodongos?
Darunia: Yep.
Link: Uh... would it help change your mind about the stone and this whole nasty Dodongo thing if I... [reaches for Ocarina]
Navi: NOOOO! [knocks it out of his hand]
Link: Ow, jeez Navi...
Darunia: OK, good luck! I hope you do good! And if you get eaten, well... I'll arrange a nice memorial service for you. Any more questions?
Link: Uh, yeah... just one...
Darunia: What's that?
Link: It's about the Dodongos.
Darunia: What about them?
Link: They eat EVERYTHING?
Darunia: Yes.
Link: Are you positive?
Darunia: Mmmhmm.
Link: Absolutely?
Darunia: Yep.
Link: Oh, OK... [heads towards the door on his way to the cavern]
[Suddenly, Link stops and turns around.]
Link: Every-
Darunia and Navi: YES!
Link: OK! [races out]
Darunia: [watches him go] I sure hope that little punk knows what he's doing...
Link: [races back into the room] One more thing, Darunia...
Darunia: Yes?
Link: [plays Saria's song and runs away giggling]
Darunia: AAGGGGH- [dances like nuts] CAN'T! STOP! SHAKING! AH! AH! AH! AH! AAAAHAHAHHAA- ARRIIIIIIIIBA! AH! AH... AHHHHHHHHHHHH... Man, I can't get enough o' that tune!
~*~*~*~*~*~*END OF SCENE EIGHT*~*~*~*~*~*~