Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Nine: Dodongo's Cavern & Great Fairy ( Chapter 9 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA- The Cheesy Zelda Musical!
by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE NINE: DODONGO DEMENTIA -plus- LINK MEETS THE BEE-YOO-TI-FUL FAIRY OF POWER (Ahem, NOT)

In this scene...

Do I really have to say it? - Link and Navi!
Darunia, the odd dancy Goron King!
Several Random Gorons!
Eddy the Etiquette-Sensitive Dodongo!
King Dodongo!
The Great Fairy of Power!
Kaepora Gaebora!
And the voice of Saria!

(Scene: the Death Mountain Trail. Link and Navi are heading for the bomb flower over on the cliff to blow up the boulder in front of the cavern.)

Link: There was a bomb flower sitting there the whole time? Jeez, those Gorons are idiots.

Navi: [shrug] It's probably all the lead they eat in the rocks.

Link: Good point.

Goron by Cliff: [wakes up, groans] Oy... my aching back! Hey, it's a soft thing!

Link: [cringes]

Goron by Cliff: You're probably wondering why I'm standing here.

Link: Actually, I really wasn't.

Goron by Cliff: I'm shading this bomb flower here on the cliff. You see, bomb flowers usually only grow in dark, cool places like caves. One out in the open like this is very rare.

Navi: So... why are you shading it?

Goron by Cliff: So it doesn't explode.

Link: Why would you care if it explodes?

Goron by Cliff: I plan on opening a tourist attraction with this as the main feature! BAH HAH HA!

Link: ... OOOK.

[Link grabs the bomb flower, pulls it up, and pitches it over the edge of the cliff with the help of the Goron's Bracelet.]

Sound FX: KABOOM!

Goron by Cliff: !!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY TOURIST ATTRACTION IS RUINED!!!

Navi: Have you forgotten that bomb flowers grow back within seconds?

Goron by Cliff: [scratches butt] Oh yeah. Sorry about that!

Link: [rolls eyes] Come on Navi, let's leave P.T. Barnum to his work then, hmm?

(Scene: Several minutes later, Link and Navi arrive at the bottom of the mountain, next to the Cavern. The boulder has been pulverized into gravel. The Goron who was standing by the Cavern is nursing a large wound on his head.)

Goron: WOW! I cannot even BELIEVE how smart you are! OWW!

Link: Oops, sorry about that.

Navi: [rolls eyes]

Goron: Even though I have a large concussion, I'm really glad we can go inside now!

Link: Erm, I wouldn't do that if I were you...

Goron: Why not?

Link: DODONGOS.

Goron: Oh yeah, there's that one little problem. Big Brother told you to take care of them, didn't he?

Link: How did you know?

Goron: Someone told me... [giggles]

Link: Aw, MAN. That ruins my plan of opening the cave and then running like a scared rabbit.

Navi: LINK!

Link: What, I'm resourceful!

Navi: Get in that cave, NOW.

Link: [grumbling, enters the cave.]

(Scene: Link explodes a large rock wall that leads into the cavern, and him and Navi stand staring in awe at how bad the author's grammar is. Oops, I mean, a giant Dodongo skull decorating the back of the cavern.)

Link: Wow... it's so big...

Navi: Look at all the lava!

Link: Look at all the laser-beam shooting monsters! [looks at Navi in anguish] This is really going to hurt, isn't it?

Navi: Most likely.

Link: [groans] Ahh, cue the song.

{The opening chords of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" by the Beatles play in the background, and "Where Are All Those D@MN Dodongos?" begins!}

Link:
Picture yourself in an over-large cavern...
That's full of magma and Keese in the skies!

Navi:
It doesn't leave you feeling safe and comfy...
Those monsters with laser-beam eyes!

[Link hops across the lava on the rock bridges, and lands on the main center platform]

Link:
Spiritual Stones, I want red, I've got green...
Got to get it cause Zelda said...

Navi:
Hey, there's a monster with laser-beam eyes!

Link:
Dude, I'm gone!

[Link screams like a girl and narrowly misses a laser-beam shot by a Beamos. He ducks into a tunnel on the left of the entrance.]

Sound FX: Bum, bum, bum...

Link and Navi:
WHERE ARE ALL THOSE D@MN DODON-GOS?
WHERE ARE ALL THOSE D@MN DODON-GOS?
WHERE ARE ALL THOSE D@MN DODON-GOS?

Link: [catches on fire] Ow... ow...

[An instrumental begins as Link runs through several really annoying rooms, and then reaches a room filled up with magma with chunks of rock floating near a waterfall of magma]

Navi:
Here we are now, a rock bridge, magma fountain...

Link:
Where mean lizard people eat small hero guys!

[A pair of Lizalfos drop from out of nowhere and Link engages in battle.]

Lizalfos 1: WAAA!

Lizalfos 2: WAAA!

Link: AIEEE! NAVI, HEEELP! The monsters in the tree didn't walk! AAGGHHH!

Navi: You're going to have to learn to fight monsters that can actually move around when you fight them, Linky-boy.

Link: I DON'T WANT TO!

Lizalfos 1: WAAA!

Lizalfos 2: WAAA!

Navi: Quick, put on your big shield!

Link: WHAT BIG SHIELD?

Navi: The one you randomly picked up in the graveyard, Spoot-head!

Link: Oh yeah... I forgot, we "Long-Story-Shorted" that... [quickly puts on his Hylian Shield, and ducks down underneath it] NAVVIIII! The dumb thing is BIGGER than me!

Lizalfos 1 and 2: WAAAA!

[Both Lizalfos slash downwards with their really big knives, and the recoil from the blow sends them both flying backwards into the magma]

Lizalfos 1 and 2: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [crispy noises]

Navi: Link, you did it!

Link: ... I... did?

Navi: Yeah, check it out! They're both fried crispy.

Link: [pokes crispy-fried Lizalfos with his sword] Whoa... Hey, I always wanted a pair of snake-skin boots!

Navi: Come on stupid, let's go. Wait- where were we with the song?

Link: [clears throat as he opens the door, races inside and starts singing]
Monsters in here all have strange fire powers!
I think-

[Sees that the next room is full of Dodongos. Actually, there are only three of them, but remember they've got that neat pepper breath action.]

Link:
I THINK THAT I'M GOING TO DIEE!

Navi:
Dodongos are stupid, their IQ is 4
It really shouldn't scare you away
Hang in the back hit their tails with your sword
And they're gone...

Link: [scratches head]
So these are the big Dodongos?
So these are the big Dodongos?
So these are the big Dodongos?

[One of the Dodongos blows fire out of his mouth, completely melting a randomly placed jar of money.]

Link:
AAAAH! AAAAAH! (speaking) I don't want to fight those things!

Navi: Oh COME ON. The Hero of Time is afraid of a couple of dumb Barney-wannabes?

Link: Huh? Hero of...

Navi: Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that. I read ahead in the script again.

Link: [shakes head] Ah, fine. But first, I want to try something. Remember how the Goron shopkeeper told us that Dodongos would eat anything?

Navi: ... no.

Link: Oh, that's right. That happened in between chapters.

Navi: [groans]

Link: Well, he did say that they would eat anything. I'm going to try something. [pulls up a bomb flower next to the door, and pitches it in front of the first Dodongo]

Dodongo 1 (Eddy the Etiquette Sensitive Dodongo): [growly noises, suddenly, makes a HMM? noise and stands up on two feet, speaking with an English accent.] I do say! What a perfectly delightful-looking snack! And I am ever so hungry... [pulls out a napkin, fork and knife, stuffs it in his mouth]

Link: That dope! He actually ate it!

Eddy: What? What was that you called me? My good chap, I- [stomach bulges hugely, smoke comes out of his ears] WHOA! I do say, my good chap... Where is the Maalox?

[falls over dead]

Link: Well, that solves our Dodongo problem.

[Link pitches out a few more bomb flowers, and is showered with Dodongo guts.]

Navi: Oh, beautiful... Where were we?

[A little while later, Link arrives in a room with a very tall staircase surrounded by bomb flowers]

Link:
Picture yourself in a room full of bomb plants
With a plexiglass staircase and spider-web vines

Navi:
Suddenly you can go up to the next floor...

[Link sets down a bomb flower, covers his ears and...]

BOOOOOOOOOM!

Link: AGH!
[singing] I JUST GOT SHRAPNEL IN MY EYES!

Navi: [looks at camera confusedly] Jeez, the author really is desperate with these rhymes, now isn't she?

Link:
WHERE ARE ALL THE D@MN DODON-GOS?
WHERE ARE ALL THE D@MN DODON-GOS?
WHERE ARE ALL THE D@MN DODON-GOS?

Navi: Aaaaaah...aaaah... [speaking] Time for a finale!

[the smoke from the explosion turns bright colors and fills the room; when it fades, Link and Navi are wearing colorful 60's style clothing, and an array of monsters including flaming Keese, some baby Dodongos, and some Beamos suddenly appear in the room, flying around and shooting lasers and making a big light show]

Link, Navi, and the Monsters:
THIS IS THE DODONGO'S CAVERN!
THIS IS THE DODONGO'S CAVERN!
THIS IS THE DODONGO'S CAVERN!
AAAAAAAAA... AAAAAAAAH...

Link: [grabs a microphone, slides out on his knees, finishes the song with an added verse]
Spiritual Stones, I want red, I've got green...
Got to get it, to stop Ganon's wrong...
I'd like to apologize to all the Beatles...
Cause I've mutilated their song...

[The smoke fades away, and the 60's clothing turns back to normal as the song fades out]

Navi: Phew! Another dungeon song over.

Link: But the dungeon isn't over yet! What are we going to do the rest of the time? This is a MUSICAL.

Navi: Um... let's... We could... er... why don't we just hum another song?

Link: OK.

[They march up the staircase, humming songs from "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"]

[Link heads into the next room, a tall one with lots of corridors and slashing blade traps on the floor]

Navi: AAAAA-aaahhh! Don't jump down there so fast! Look at all the big... BLADEY... THINGS!

Link: You're right... I'd better jump down there slowly.

Navi: That's not what I meant, I- [starts glowing neon blue, screams in agony] AAAAGGGH! MUST... MUST... AAAAGGGHHH- [speaking in a monotone voice] You never know what will be around the corner in narrow corridors like this... press Z to look down an aisle before you run down it... Ha... ha... ha... Hey... look... listen...

Link: Oh no! Annoying fairy mode! [slaps her]

Navi: [shakes off face] BBBBLLLT! I... I'm sorry... I can't... I can't control myself...

Link: [pats her affectionately] It's all right... I know...

Navi: But anyway, be careful. I don't want you to turn into mincemeat.

Link: Aw, that's so sweet! You really are my guardian fairy!

Navi: Blade!

Link: What? OWWW!

[The slidey blade thingy hits him in the butt]

Link: OWIE WOWIE ZOWIE!

Navi: I told you to watch out! MOVE!

Link: What? [it hits him again] AAGGH!

Navi: You idiot! Move it! [pushes him aside angrily] This could take a while... Chorus Singers, PLEASE?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK HEADED THROUGH THE DUNGEON SOME MORE, HUMMING "LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS", KILLING RANDOM MONSTERS THAT WERE ACTUALLY NOT DODONGOS AS WELL AS SOME THAT WERE BABY DODONGOS, FINDING A BIG NEAT BOMB BAG, BLOWING OPEN THE DODONGO'S SKULL AND GETTING READY TO GO INSIDE...
[The Chorus Singers gasp for breath and pass out]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Link is standing in front of the huge Dodongo's skull, and dramatically themed music is playing, while he prepares to sing "Is This Destiny?" [Part One] AKA "Wow, That's A Really Big Dodongo Skull"

Link:
I've come so far... since Kokiri Forest.
A couple miles north of all the trees...
And now, as I stand before this big skull...
I'm starting to feel weak in the knees!
I don't know why I have to do all this
Why does everything count on me?
Is it something to do with my nice hair?
Or could this maybe be Destiny...

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Link: [replaces his hat with a top-hat, grabs a cane, starts dancing around on the big rock platform while dodging the Beamos' fire]
I'm a kid who's barely ten!

Navi: TEN, TEN, TEN!

Link:
And so I ask you once again-

Navi: ONCE AGAIN!

Link:
Has it something to do with my designer shoes,
Or could this maybe be Destiny?

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Link:
I was a loser with nothing to do...

Navi: NOTHIN' TO DO!

Link:
When I was called by the tree called Deku...

Navi: TREE CALLED DEKU!

Link:
Suddenly all my dreams are coming true!

[The Beamos tries to blow him away. He artfully dodges the laser beam, and then kicks off the Beamos' head.]


Navi: HIS DREAMS'LL COME TRUE!

Link:
Maybe I'm in too deep, maybe I'm over my head
Have I considered that this quest could make me end up dead?
Am I standing on the edge? Biting off more than I can chew?
AM I DOING SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE TO DO?
WHY IS THIS HAPPENIN' TO ME?
Could it be a touch of DESTINY?

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEESTIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Link:
And so without choice of anything else to do!
I'll step into this skull!

Navi:
And I will follow you!

Link:
I'll wipe out the Dodongos!
And help out the Gorons!
Chop the boss into mulch!

Navi:
Could we continue, you MORON?

Link: Oh yeah. Well, let me finish first.

Navi: Certainly.

Link: [takes a really, really deep breath and screams out the finale]
And I'll do it...
CAUSE IT'S MY DESTINYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[The camera moves above Link and spirals upwards quickly, colored lights appear and fireworks go off]

Chorus Singers and Navi:
IT'S HIS DESTINY, AND THAT AIN'T A LIE!
IT'S HIS DESTINY, HE'S A DESTINED GUY!
IT'S HIS DESTINY, AND THAT ISN'T BULL!

Link: [looks up at skull, scratches chin]
Wow, that's a really big Dodongo skull!

Music: BADAAAA!

Link: [grabs sword, points into the Dodongo Skull's mouth] TO THE BOSS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK FOUND HIS WAY INTO THE BOSS'S ROOM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: A large room with a crumbling floor in the center and a small treasure chest at the far end. Link looks around puzzled, and then takes out his bomb bag.)

Link: Well, I suppose I'd better bomb the floor... Or is the boss invisible?

Navi: I don't know...

[Link sets the bomb down on the floor, and stands back.]

Link: Now, just to wait for it to explode...

[Navi looks around slyly, sneaks up behind Link, slaps him on the shoulder and screams.]

Navi: RAAAAAAAR!

Link: UWAAAAAAAAAH! [leaps forward onto the patch of ground near the bomb] NAVI! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Navi: That was freakin' HILARIOUS!

Link: It was not! What if it really was the boss?

Navi: You'd be very dead.

Link: Well that wasn't funny, o- [the bomb explodes, crumbling through the floor and throwing Link down into the room below, where he lands on his face]

Link: OOF!

Navi: [flies down] Link! Link, are you all right?

Link: [mumbling blankly]

Navi: What?

Link: GRANDMA MOSES MAKES MUNCHY MEATBALLS MONDAY MORNING!

Navi: Oh. Come on, get up. The boss is around here somewhere.

[Link sits up slowly, shaking off the dizziness. Then he sees something behind Navi, his faces goes totally white, and he screams, running the other direction.]

Link: BWAAAAAAAA!

Navi: Hey! Come back here! I just wanted to know if you were all right!

Voice behind Navi: Grrr...

Navi: [freezes, turns around slowly] Uh... YYYAIEEEEEEEEEE!

[Navi squeals in terror and speeds off towards where Link went, clutching her (invisible, fairy) face in terror. Standing behind her is a huge, scaly, ugly, more than likely ill-tempered gigantic Dodongo.]

INFERNAL DINOSAUR: KING DODONGO

King Dodongo: GRAAAAAAAAAAR!

Link: NAVI! NAVI! WHAT THE HECK DO WE DO?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE GODDESSES DO WE DO?!?!

Navi: Calm down! Just wait a second!

King Dodongo: [opens his mouth, starts sucking up fire or something]

Link: That reminds me... TAKE THIS, YOU PANSY!

[He pulls out a bomb, goes running kamikaze-style at King Dodongo, and chucks the bomb into his mouth.]

King Dodongo: [swallows the bomb] GRAAAR! [stomch bulges out, smoke comes out of ears] GRAAAR!

[King Dodongo falls over on his side, twitching]

Link: OH YEAH? GAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAA! [starts wailing on him with his sword.]

Navi: Get'm! Get'm! Get his head!

King Dodongo: [sits up, starts rolling around]

[Link and Navi watch King Dodongo roll pointlessly by a few times.]

Link: Uh... is that supposed to be an attack?

King Dodongo: DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME! I FLUNKED OUT OF BOSS SCHOOL! WAAAA! [opens his mouth again]

Link: EAT THIS, YOU OVERGROWN VICIOUS CHILDREN'S TELEVISION SHOW STAR!

King Dodongo: [accidentally eats the bomb] Uh oh... [stomach bulges out] AIEEAIEEAIEEE! THAT'S A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL!

[Falls over, Link stabs him again and...]

King Dodongo: GAAAHIEEE! [clutches chest in agony, gasps for breath] I think... I think you got me!

[King Dodongo staggers around, gasping for air and screaming]

~~~~~~~~ TONY AWARD-WINNING SCENE ~~~~~~~~~

[The Chorus Singers sing a dramatic hymn]

King Dodongo: Alas! Death spreads its foul black curtain across the window of my life... the light turns to a black, dank reminder of my own mortality... Alas, I have no reason to stay in this world anymore... My son and daughter Dodongos have all been slain by the mighty black bombs carried by this noble boy... My poor little grandchildren, those little wormy things, have all been spontaneously combusted by the stress of a sword blow... No one left in the world cares a bit about me! [looks ahead] Oh! Oh... is it... could it be... My wife, Queen Dodongo! But alas, you are dead!

Link: [looks at Navi and is about to say something]

Navi: [shakes her head and watches the scene]

King Dodongo: Please say that the time has come for me to join you... There is nothing to keep me here... [rolls slowly into the big vat of lava, is buried up to his neck in boiling magma] FOUL MAGMA, IT CONSUMETH MY FLESH! AGGGH... [singing very dramatically, "The Flag" by the Barenaked Ladies]
THERE GOES A COP CAR, AND THERE GOES AN EAGLE...
THERE GOES A RAVEN AND THERE GO THE RIBBONS...
THERE GOES A RAVEN AND THERE GO...
THE RIBBONS, THE RIBBONS, THE RIBBONS, THE RIBBONS...
OF THE FLAAAAAAAG... Farewell, cruel world! [turns black and charred, gives one last growl of agony and dies.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link and Navi: [looks back and forth from King Dodongo to each other] WOOHOO! HE DIED!

Link: Another job well done by me, Link, the Hero of Time!

Navi: SHHHHH! You're not supposed to know that yet!

Link: [grabs heart container and steps into the warp portal]

(Scene: Outside Dodongo's Cavern. Link appears in the warp portal, and Navi next to him.)

Link: Oh YEAH BABY! I'm on a roll! Two Spiritual Stones, and only one left to go!

Navi: Yeah... I wonder though. Why isn't anyone here to greet you outside? You'd think Darunia would...

[A huge shadow appears below Link and Navi, and they look up slowly just in time to be squashed flat by the gigantic, curled-up form of Darunia]

SPLAT!

Darunia: AAHAHAHAHAA! YO! Hey, it's me, DARUNIA! AAHAHAHAHAA!

Link: [muffled grunt of agony]

Darunia: Uh... huh? What'd ya say?

Link: GEDDOFFAME.

Darunia: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! [steps off of Link, who looks in need of serious medical attention] Hey, you did it Link! You killed off all the Dodongos, and that annoying King! I never would have imagined a scrawny little wimp like you could have killed all the Dodongos!

Link: [looking in great pain]

Navi: [straightens out her flattened wings] Link, are you all right? You look hurt.

Link: I only hurt inside...

Darunia: Aw, come on, I was only kidding. What a wild adventure! It will make an incredible story... or video game, for that matter. Or themed restaurant... or movie... or a cartoon series... or line of clothing... or CD company... or...

Link: Uh, yeah, we get it, Darunia. Now about that stone...

Darunia: I already told the doctor, he said to drink lots of cranberry juice and get some rest.

Link: [eyes are widened] I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Darunia: Huh? OH! The Spiritual Stone! Of course! I, the wild Darunia, Big Brother of the Gorons, present you, Brother Link of the Kokiri, with the Goron's Ruby AKA the Spiritual Stone of Fire!

Link: Wait- did you call me brother?

Darunia: Yeah! I say that you and I should be Sworn Brothers.

Link: Is there... A ceremony? I'll need a new tie.

Darunia: No, there's no ceremony. Just take the Ruby and we'll just say that that's the connection.

[dramatic music, as Link takes the Goron's Ruby]

Link: Woohoo! I got two Spiritual Stones! [Yoshi's Story theme plays, Link spins around and gives the V-is-for-Victory sign] LINKY!

Navi: Wrong game.

Link: Oh yeah.

Darunia: Oh, I'm so proud of you, Brother! You're just going to keep getting stronger, aren't you, you Goron hero you? I think you should go see the fairy that lives on top of the mountain.

Link: Fairy? I've already got one, thanks.

Darunia: No, dummy. The GREAT Fairy. One of the 6 Great Fairies, the queens of all the fairies! She'll give you power!

Link: Cool. Whatcha think, Navi?

Navi: [glowing blue, speaking in monotone] DIDN'T DARUNIA SAY THAT A FAIRY LIVES UP ON DEATH MOUNTAIN? WE SHOULD GO SEE HER...

Link: [pokes her] I think that's a yes.

Darunia: Cool! HEY GORONS! LET'S GIVE OUR BROTHER LINK A NICE SEND OFF!

[Several Gorons drop down from up on the mountain and unroll]

Goron 1: You're just as cool as Big Brother is!

Darunia: Hey.

Goron 2: That is... ALMOST!

Darunia: Better.

Goron 3: You're so cool, destroying the Dodongos! How about a song?

["Grey Seal" by Elton John plays]

Goron 4: [tap dancing]
We all live the life of-

Link: NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Goron 1: [singing]
In that case...
How about a great big Goron Hug?

Link: AAAAAAGGGGHHHH! [speeds up the mountain as fast as he can]

(Scene: The Death Mountain trail heading up the mountain. Link is singing a reprise of "Here I Go Again")

Link:
Baby, here I go again on my own...

Russ, Gus, and Theodore (The Singing Rabbits from Chapter 4):
HERE HE GOES! HERE HE GOES AGAIN!

Link:
Walkin' on another pointless quest alone!

Navi: I still say that song is stupid. I'm here.

Link: Yeah, I'm tired of singing anyway. At least do a new song.

Navi: Really? Hmm... let me think of one...

[Suddenly, the mountain erupts and chunks of fire and debris fall down from the sky, almost squashing Link flat]

Link: We'd better hurry up! [is squashed flat]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK GOT UP THE MOUNTAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: Phew! That was really annoying. That was probably the most annoying-

Sinister Laugh: UHOY HOY HUYO HUYO HOUY HUOY!

Link: Oh no... please... say it isn't so...

Kaepora Gaebora: [to the tune of that dumb song of his]
Hello again
My little hero friend and
Fairy I see that you have reached all the way up here.

Navi: ACCK!

Link: NO... NO... SWEET CHEESE, NO! NOT YOU!

Kaepora Gaebora:
Sorry, kid
I hate to break it to ya
But I'll be here for the rest of the game but
I'll still follow you to everywhere
To make sure that you never screw around...
Can you see the cloud that's right above us?
It's always hovering here
If everything on the mountain's hunky-dory
Then it is fluffy, grayish-white and clear
But if it gets big and red and spinny
And looks like fire or something really evil
That means that something is out of order
So get your butt back here and check it out...

Link: [silently crying, on one knee] PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

Kaepora Gaebora:
Now go see the Great Fairy to your left
And when you get outside
With your new power grab onto my legs
And I'll give you a ride!

Link: [bombs open the cave on his left, races inside as fast as he can to avoid more singing]

(Scene: A very lovely fountain of glistening, glowing white water. The walls of the fountain appear to be made out of flowing silver water)

Link: Oooh... pretty...

Navi: [is glowing an unusual color, even for a fairy] Wow! I haven't been in one of the Great Fairy's fountains in FOREVER! I bet she's still as beautiful as she was 200 years ago!

Link: HOW beautiful was she?

Navi: Very beautiful! Legends of the Great Fairies tell of a group of beautiful giant fairies with the power to make all your dreams come true... They rule all the fairies in the whole world! Unfortunately, I haven't been invited to the last several Fairy Balls... considering that at the last one I went to, I accidentally made the former Great Fairy of Time choke on a ham sandwich.

Link: So what happened?

Navi: Well, let's just say that there is no Great Fairy of Time anymore...

Link: You killed her?

Navi: She abdicated when she learned that I would be at the next ball. AAAANYWAY, there's 6 Great Fairies: The Fairy of Magic #1, Magic #2, Magic #3, Wisdom, Courage, and Power. The Great Fairy of Power lives up here. She was the prettiest of them all last I saw her.

Link: Yowie! Let's see this fairy chick for ourselves... [makes a cat call]

Navi: [stares at him] Oh, get REAL Link. You getting a date with the Great Fairy of Power seems about as likely as you getting a date with ME.

Link: [sees the Triforce symbol on the steps of the fountain] Wow. I wonder what I'll have to do here... [plays Zelda's Lullaby]

[Beautiful, heavenly music begins to play, and the fountain's water starts to glow even brighter]

Navi: You're about to see something that most people only dream about seeing, Link... you're a very lucky guy...

Link: Oh wow! [grabs a camera out of his pocket] I bet she's BEE-YOO-TI-FUL!

Navi: HEY! Where did you get that camera?

Link: I stole it from the prop department next door. They're making the Majora's Mask musical.

Navi: Oh.

[Suddenly, a burst of light shoots out of the fountain and a high pitched, maniacal laugh fills the room.]

Link: Huh?

Navi: Look Link! It's...

[Suddenly, from the fountain bursts the most HIDEOUS being ever put in a video game. She's a gigantic, green-skinned woman clothed only in vines, with big creepy eyes, long wild magenta hair, and a big mole next to her chin. Her sinister giggle and her horrible face make Ganondorf look charming and emotionally stable in comparison. (Thanks for the good description, VERSUS Books!) ]

Great Fairy of Power: HOOHEEHAAHOOHEEHAAAAAAA!

Navi: ... the most hideous thing I've ever seen!

Link: WHOA! AAGH, MY EYES! [covers his burning eyes to avoid seeing the scantily clad vine-wearing fairy hussy]

Great Fairy of Power: Hello, my dears! Hello Link, hello Navi!

Navi: It's like a car accident... I don't want to stare, but I can't... look... away!

Link: Lordy-Lord, that's the UGLIEST thing I've ever seen!

Great Fairy of Power: [singing to the Fairy Fountain song]
Greetings... young ones...
I am the Great
Fairy of Po-
Wer, don't you see?
And you've come to
Make a wish and
Get some power
From little me
That's all right, see
You are Destined

Chorus Singers: DESSTIIIINYYY!

Great Fairy of Power:
To receive a
Sword trick from me
Please hold still
And receive it now!

[Link is surrounded by magic light and fairy dust, and suddenly he spins around and holds up... nothing.]

Link: Wow! Suddenly I feel that I can charge up my sword with a blast of energy and spin attack my enemies!

Great Fairy of Power:
That is right, Link
You have been blessed
With a technique
For your sword so
Use it well and
Use it to send
Monsters to... heck
Please don't stare at
My ugly vines
They ran out of
Clothes in my size...
Anyway I
Should just say that
You should go check
Out the castle
One of my friends
Lives over there
She will give you
More magic gifts.
So, good luck on
Your long journey
If you get hurt
Come and see me...
BAAAHOOOHAAAHEEEHOOOHAAAA! [she vanishes back into the fountain]

Link: [stands in silence for a second, then stumbles over to the fountain, scoops up some magic water, and splashes it in his eyes] HOLY SHAMOLEY, that was the absolute UGLIEST thing I have ever seen!

Navi: She's really let herself go, man...

Link: [shudders] OK, now where do we go?

Navi: I say we- [freezes, glows blazingly bright blue, speaking in monotone] LET'S SEE IF SARIA KNOWS ABOUT THE SPIRITUAL STONE...

Link: OK. [grabs his Ocarina and plays "Saria's Song". From far below, you hear Darunia screaming, "I CAN'T STOP SHAKING! AAGH! AGGGH! AAGH!]

Saria's Voice: Erm... JUST A MINUTE! [toilet flushes] Yeah, Saria here. Whatcha want?

Link: Saria, it's me. Do you know anything about the third Spiritual Stone?

Saria's Voice: Huh? Why would I?

Link: I don't know. Evil Annoying-Fairy-Mode Navi says you do.

Saria's Voice: Well, whaddya know, she's right. I used to go through the Deku Tree's private papers. The third stone belongs to the Zoras. King Zora, the ruler of Zora's Domain has it.

Link: Wow, thanks a lot, Saria!

Saria's Voice: You're welcome! HEY! HEY MIDO, CUT IT OUT! STOP WEED-WHACKING LINK'S HOUSE! HEY! DID YOU HEAR ME?

[The line goes dead]

Link: Huh. Well, off to Zora's Domain, I guess.

Navi: KING ZORA MUST HAVE THE NEXT STONE...

Link: Uh- DUHHHH. Come on Navi, let's go get a ride from that dumb owl.

Navi: KING ZORA MUST-

Link: I KNOW. Now, COME ON.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK WENT OUTSIDE AND GRABBED THE OWL'S CLAWS AND IS NOW FLYING DOWN TO KAKARIKO VILLAGE...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link's Voice: [echoing over the cliffs of the mountain] AAAAAAAAAIEEEEE! WILL YOU STOP DIVING LIKE THAT?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Navi's Voice: KING ZORA MUST HAVE-

Link's Voice: WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY, NAVI?!?!

Kaepora Gaebora's Singing Voice:
KING ZORA MUST HAVE THE NEXT SPIRITUAL
STONE SO YOU HAD BETTER...

Link's Voice: AAAAAGGGHHHHH!


~*~*~*~* END OF SCENE 9 *~*~*~*~